Batman v. Superman: Bop 'Em in Gotham

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Last night, Izzy & I got a special invite to a screening of “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice” a full… maybe 24 hours prior to its worldwide release… but the price was right, so we went to see this EPIC movie featuring a load of costumed superheroes. This movie is basically the real jump-off point for the DC Cinematic Universe… and based on the previews leading up to it… I had some mixed feelings going in… but love for most of the characters… mainly the ones that I’m familiar with (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman… not so familiar with Flash, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, etc.) This movie starts out summing up the origin story of Batman (Ben Affleck) during the opening credits, which was great… because we’ve seen it a number of times in the various incarnations & flashbacks in the sequels. Then it picks up with the finale of “Man of Steel” where Superman (Henry Cavill) is battling General Zod (Michael Shannon), but it’s shown from the point of view of Bruce Wayne/Batman as a human from the streets of Metropolis… so building are falling left & right… thousands of casualties that were brushed over in “Man of Steel”. Then it fast forward to 18 months later… and the world is divided between those who see Superman as some sort of God to help us… and others as an Alien Threat that will destroy us all if he has a bad day. Then there’s the discovery a large chunk of green rock that can possibly be used as a weapon against Superman & his kind… and then probably the two richest people on Earth, Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) and Bruce Wayne, want it as a bit of deterrence against Superman. Look, basically check out the original trailer from a few months ago and you have the story. Lex uses the alien technology from the crashed ship to make Doomsday. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) makes a few brief appearances. That’s about all the spoilers that I’m going to give… and you got all that from the trailer. Here’s the breakdown:

  

Things I Liked About This Movie:

 

·         Wonder Woman – This is going to be the thing that everybody takes away from this movie… that Wonder Woman is the best part. I have a few theories on why this is… and it starts with that it’s basically a glorified cameo. Look, Gal Gadot is a fetching creature… and a decent actress in small doses. Can she pull a whole movie? Who knows? I assume there’s a reason that she hasn’t yet… but she will soon enough with the “Wonder Woman” movie coming soon, so then we’ll have an answer. She does a good job. Her accent isn’t that unnerving (which was a concern of mine) because you know… she’s French but could also pass for Greek as accents go… and compared with the Batman voice that this Batman has, there’s other things to worry about. Regardless, she does great. It’s a great intro to her character. We shall see if she can pull the lead role… but this movie is basically about 60% Batman movie, 30% Superman, 10% everybody else combined.

 

·         Visually Intriguing – Director Zach Snyder has a very distinct style… and the most notably is the very rich, dark, saturated color tone to basically every single frame of film. It’s pretty to look at, there’s lots of CGI (most of it is pretty decent), you’ve probably all seen “300”, “Watchmen”, “Sucker Punch”, “Man of Steel”, even “Dawn of the Dead” had elements of it… and what 90% of people talk about when they talk about those movies is just how pretty they were & how they were pretty imaginative for the time & badass from a visual standpoint. This movie is no different in that regard.

 

·         Sound Effects – In the theatre, the musical score is booming, every single character seems to have their own intro music like it’s WWE almost, the explosions, crunches, cracks, metal bending, all that is pretty intense & matches for the most part. Due to the epic scale of the movie, that’s good… because when a whole city is collapsing… or titanic beings are battling to the death… it can really take you out of a movie quick if the sound is a little off point. Also, director Zach Snyder get special recognition for using two songs from Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine (probably the greatest band you may have never heard of) as he did originally in “Dawn of the Dead” with their rendition of “Down with the Sickness”. They’re subtle in the movie obviously… but I caught it… and I have to rep for Richard Cheese.

 

·         Story is… Decent – I was a little worried that this movie was going to get very full of itself and really be pushing the whole Man vs. God thing… and that’s exactly what happened… like… repeated to a point of tedium… in case you went to the bathroom a few times during the lengthy run time. That being said though, they at least tried to make it intriguing from both points of view… and basically show that when people are scared, they do rash things. Whether it’s Batman wanting to keep Superman in check, because he used to be the big dick in the Gotham/Metropolis area & that has changed… or Lex Luthor fearing that all of his power from knowledge and/or privilege is now absolutely worthless in regards to Superman’s pure physical presence… or Superman just wanting to be a nice guy who protects people but he feels nothing but resent from those that he tries to protect… or Lois Lane for just being a f**king idiot / plot device who has a brief bathtub scene that… I actually rather enjoyed in just how silly & pointless it was. Anyway, the story was better than it really had to be… and is meant to be thought provoking, which I appreciate in what could be a very simple silly story & still make Brinks trucks of cash.

 

Things I Didn’t Like About This Movie:

 

·         Lex Luthor – Look, I think Jesse Eisenberg is a great actor in the few movies that I’ve seen him in. I love Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor in the old Superman movies. Hell, I liked Kevin Spacey in “Superman Returns” which everybody else hated. Even the construct of the character in this movie as a young Zuckerberg-type who has limitless financial means, incredible intelligence & ultimate contempt for everybody else in the world for his own personal gains & desires… really seems to work as a great plot forwarding device. You know, why else would Batman & Superman fight? That is except for the fact that Batman technically is a vigilante & Superman is Team America: World Police? However… watching this movie… I kept seeing the performance & mannerisms as matching up with a movie that I haven’t seen in nearly 20 years… and that was the Carrot Top vehicle “Chairman of the Board.” Also, nobody will ever touch him apparently. Superman, Batman, the government, they all just… kind of let him do whatever he wants… right in front of them… while monologuing… and they just kind of sit there… doing nothing. I’m actually kind of surprised that (spoiler alert) Lex Luthor gets arrested at the end. You know… he only tried to kill THE F**KING WORLD BY UNLEASHING AN UNHOLY ABOMINATION!!! “Ooooh, let’s shave his head & throw him in a cell.” Ridiculous…

 

·         Young Bruce Wayne Flying with the Bats – During the opening credits… you’ll see it… and when I saw it, I leaned over to Izzy and said “Oh God… this is not a good start…”

 

·         Superman’s Ever Growing List of Weaknesses – Look, I also understand that you have to give Superman weaknesses. That’s why Kryptonite exists, because otherwise he’d just kind of go through and solve the world’s problems almost inexplicably (like how he saves Lois & others in this movie). However… his ever-growing list of weakness includes his relationship with Lois… his mother Martha Kent (Diane Lane) back in Kansas… and frankly, his number one weakness… is his own stupidity. “UGH! I must do these horrible things to destroy the world to save Lois (who spoiler alert, is also part of the world)” Anyway, plot forwarding… I can look past this one a little bit.

 

·         Zack Snyder Tropes ABOUND!!! – As I mentioned, Zack Snyder has a very distinct style. Slow motion is EVERYWHERE!!! The run time in this movie could easily be a half hour shorter if they didn’t have dozens of scenes with super slow motion stuff going on… but it’s at least well hidden by the aforementioned soundtrack. The Physics in this world are… let’s say exaggerated or disregarded completely. There’s also a lot of the usual problems with these movies where… for example… a character may be able to pick up vehicles and toss them like a baseball in one scene… and then REALLY have to struggle with opening a door in the next scene. I don’t want to give away specific examples in this movie… but you’ll see them. Also, there’s a lots of guys with abs in this movie… but that’s standard Snyder. Heck, there’s a montage with Batman doing a P90X workout so that Affleck can show off his bod… and when Superman goes before Congress, suuuuuuper slow mo so that he can show off every single bulge in his suit.

 

·         Action Scenes are Hit or Miss – I have this one at the end because it’s kind of a like/dislike. I’m not going to be one of those super purist nerds who’s going to say that “Superman doesn’t kill” and “Batman doesn’t use guns” because… let’s be real… they do. Superman kills a lot of innocent bystanders while saving millions of people… that’s just fact, even in the comics. Also… especially in past movies, Batman uses guns… but in this movie, he uses LOTS of guns!!! Hell, you’ve seen the trailer by now, right? Did you notice that in the iconic scene where you see Superman, Wonder Woman & Batman together on screen… that Batman has the world’s largest f**king shotgun/grenade launcher at his disposal? Anyway, as for the fight scenes themselves, some are pretty tight & concise… others are just really confusing… and again, part of it is the fluctuation of physics in this cinematic universe… and I feel like this was Zach Snyder trying to touch on as many genre as possible. There’s car chase scenes like a “Fast & Furious” movie. There’s fight scenes that are the usual super-epic superhero stuff… as well as ones that are reminiscent of Asian movies like “Raid: Redemption” or “Oldboy” in their ferocity. It’s just kind of a mixed bag though.

 

Overall, you pretty much have to watch this movie if you like comics… and it’s not bad by any means. In fact, I would say that it’s pretty good and a decent start point for the whole “Justice League” franchise and all of its spin-offs. However, there are going to be plenty of times watching it where you think to yourself “What the…? What am I watching right now? Why is this in here?” It has a few flaws… but then again… as is constantly crammed down our throats, we all have flaws… especially our superheroes. Go check it out!

 

Also, Monday night the roommates and I hashed out some minor grievances over beer & wine, followed it up with “Tucker & Dale Versus Evil” and then a new movie that sounded interesting called “Lazarus Effect” starring Olivia Wilde, Mark Duplass, Donald Glover & Evan Peters. This movie is about a group of Berkeley scientists who start out attempting to restimulate brain cells and grow new cells, etc… and somehow slip on a way to actually reanimate dead dogs… and I assume future animals with testing. Then the pharmaceutical company that gave them the grant step in to steal their research… and so they decide to break into the lab & do it again… despite the dog that they brought back from the dead having some… odd ultraviolent side effects. Well… something goes wrong during the experiment… and the superhot scientist (Wilde) ends up getting electrocuted. What to do? Bring her back, of course! You don’t need another corpse on your record. Well… it works… but then she starts having some serious side effects as well.

 

Okay, I remember hearing about this movie… and then NOTHING! Apparently it was made in 2013… and then released over two years later (never a good sign) when the surprisingly good cast really caught fire or something. Fun fact: David Gelb, the director of this movie actually did a pretty good job of keeping the atmosphere of the movie creepy… even when the script towards the end took a serious turn to the ridiculous. What has he done in the past? Well… he did the documentary “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” and… that’s about it. Overall, I thought the movie was pretty good. There were obvious flaws, but the acting was pretty good… the atmosphere was creepy… I kept thinking about “Deep Blue Sea” while watching it… but where that movie is ridiculous throughout, this one is a little more rooted in reality & not spitting one-liners or anything. I’d say check it out. It’s a scant 83 minutes WITH credits.

 

This past weekend, we also stopped by SFHG founding member Kevin’s homebrew shop / taproom / brewery that we’ve been (small time) investors in for the past few years, Ferment.Drink.Repeat. The location is not quite open (hopefully in the next few weeks) but it’s well on its way… and the homebrew shop portion is open during select hours. Congratulations to Kevin & his wife Shae for getting this monstrous adventure off the ground! Here are some pictures…

 

We also brewed up an IPA with hops that we had lying around (mostly from NHC) and some ingredients from FDR... this first one is a picture of our Mountain Brew that we enjoyed while making it...

 

 

In summation, our latest episode of the Everything I Learned From Movies Podcast (eilfm.podbean.com) will be posted by the time that you read this… and spoiler alert, we’re probably going to talk about Batman v Superman a bit… but check out our review of “Leprechaun in Da Hood” as well as a few surprises. Until then, have a great day everybody!!!

Prince of Punishment

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I went to the San Francisco Homebrewers Guild Monthly Meeting at Chez Poulet… previously most meetings had been held at Anchor Brewing but due to our group growing beyond their capacity, we’ve had to start moving around venues… which has its own pros & cons… but let’s focus on the pros, which is creating a different atmosphere & experience with each meeting as well as keeping the main core values in spreading the good word of homebrewing and the cooperative community that the group provides. At this meeting, we also unveiled our new trophy for Homebrew Club of the Year from the California State Fair Homebrew Competition… because we had far & away the most award-winning beers this year!!!

 

 

 

 

 
 

After discussing events coming up in the next few months (more to come in future entries), one of the Guild’s founder Mr. Kevin Inglin gave a great talk about Mash Temperatures and how they’ll effect your beer on a chemical level, including all the various enzymes, malt sugars, and even various strategies for stabilizing & controlling the temperature during the mashing process. It was a great talk from a man who’s been homebrewing for almost twenty years now & will hopefully have his nanobrewery/homebrew shop open soon. Here are some pictures…

 

Also Monday night, Izzy & I had a little bit of a John Carpenter marathon with movies that we hadn’t seen… starting with 1987’s “Prince of Darkness” starring Donald Pleasance and… well… Alice Cooper is in it briefly as “Street Schizo” but that’s really about it. Egg Shen & Wang Chi from “Big Trouble in Little China” are in it but… yeah, not a lot of star power. The story is about a team of researchers who found this giant cylinder that… looks like it contains a green tornado in it… in this old deserted church… and basically in trying to figure it out & open it, they very well may release the Devil / Satan / Prince of Darkness and bring about the end of the world. That’s the one liner about it… but it’s really more like this. A bunch of stupid science nerds who aren’t particularly good at what they do, an old priest & some crazy Asian liberal arts professor meet up at a church where there’s this cylinder holding… what they can only even fathom is either a nuclear core, the worst plague imaginable, or according to their limited research… a 7 million year old harbinger of Death. Oh… and before they even enter the church, a small army of homeless people led by Alice Cooper basically surround them like zombies to keep them in the church. When the researchers take their naps while doing research, they all share the same dream consisting of an 8 mm film snippet complete with a warning that they’re going to unleash some sort of dark angel… yet they still continue. Well, spoiler alert… but something comes out of it… but it’s basically green ooze (the Devil’s semen?) and basically it’s shot into a girl’s mouth… and then she projectile vomits into another girl’s mouth… and then she vomits into another guy’s mouth… all the while, nobody seems to know where anybody is… but it doesn’t mean they’re going to really do anything about it… or they’ll see that one of their people are acting weird like a zombie… or slashing their own throat… or turning into beetles… and still they’ll do absolutely nothing. Seriously, I was getting frustrated during this movie… because nobody… f**king… did… any… thing… ever. It was sooooo f**king slow… and sooooo f**king stupid… and the dialogue was ridiculously bad… and I basically couldn’t stand it. I wanted them all to die. Well, except Wang Chi… but by the end, I was even willing to part with that if it meant an end to the movie. Oh… and the ending… ugh… who f**king cares? I did not care for it… sorry John, not your best by any means. Waste of two hours… and not even in the kitschy kind of way that I love… just f**king boring and stupid… with all due respect.

  

 

Next up was his most recent full scale production “The Ward” starring Amber Heard (Depp? Really?), Lynsey Fonseca and Jared Harris. This movie is about a crazy hot arsonist (Heard) who is sentenced to a psychiatric ward after burning down a house. Now… right away you’ll notice that the ward is a little different because… it’s basically filled with f**king supermodels. No joke. Every single person in this particular ward is an 18-29 year old superhottie… with various mental issues… but not the serious kind… the more like… it’s as if the cast of “Mean Girls” were on the set of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” but they wore… well, most of the time they wore exactly the same things they would’ve if they were in a high school… incredibly form-fitting blouses & jeans… occasionally a gown but… yeah, odd. Anyway, shortly after getting there (like I think this all takes place over the course of a few days?) she starts to realize that girls are being killed off… and then she learns about a killer ghost of a former patient… except the main doctor (Harris) thinks it’s all in her head… so even as girls are being killed off, they seem to do nothing. Why? What are they hiding? Yeah, the movie has a pretty good “Shutter Island” kind of vibe to it once you get past the fact that it’s a psych ward for starlets… and I actually enjoyed it, definitely a lot more than “Prince of Darkness.” As for the ending, you can kind of see it coming… but it’s pretty well done… except that it’s completely unfeasible in all reality. Maybe I’ll have to do a top ten list of those… Movie Endings that are absolutely ridiculous & unfinished though allegedly based in reality. Anyway, maybe down the road… that’ll take a lot of research to get the good ones for you. Not going to spoil this one though… go check it out… help support a decent, independent filmmaker like John Carpenter.

 

Wednesday night, we watched a movie that had somehow slipped through the cracks for me when it first came out, “Punisher: War Zone” starring Ray Stevenson & Dominic West. This is a re-reboot of the famous Marvel comic book “Punisher” which had originally been brought to the screen in the late 80’s with Dolph Lundgren as the star, then in 2004 with Thomas Jane (and John Travolta as the bad guy), and this movie was released in late 2008. For those who don’t know the basic story, Frank Castle is a former cop/war hero who was trying to lead the good life… until his family is brutally murdered (in this version, apparently during a picnic at an Old Navy commercial backdrop) and he then becomes a vigilante who exacts justice for criminals who slip through the cracks in the justice system. No, he’s not Daredevil. He doesn’t have superpowers & he’s not blind… nor is he Batman because although he apparently has a full arsenal at his disposal, he’s not a billionaire who dresses up in a rubber suit… basically he’s Batman if Bruce Wayne just loaded up on bulletproof vests, machine guns, rocket launchers & frag grenades and just decided that instead of putting criminals in Arkham Asylum to be released/escape a month later, he just did a quick double tap followed by evisceration of the corpse. He doesn’t even wear a helmet while he does it. Basically he’s a bit of an 80’s badass in the Rambo, Commando mold… but in this day & age (especially with the last decade’s shoot-em-up news stories) it’s not nearly the same appeal as it once was.

 

In this edition of the Punisher, after the Jane-Travolta movie didn’t do so well with audiences because it was either too dark for the PG-13 crowd that it tried to get or too weak & predictable for comic book fans, this version was meant as a full R-Rated version that wanted to be dark, violent, sickening, basically what the newer versions of the comic books were… and it pulled it off pretty tremendously. This is kind of a sequel to the Jane-Travolta version in which it takes place 4-5 years after the events of that movie… and the Punisher has been “takin’ care of business” and cleaning the streets of wrong doers… until he almost singlehandedly takes out the local crime syndicate… but accidentally takes out an undercover federal agent. Now the Feds have to take him down… and also, one of the few generals left in the crime syndicate is still alive (even after being ran through… some kind of glass pulversizer machine?) and emerges as the villain… JIGSAW!!! Jigsaw (West) then breaks his brother Looney Bin Jim out of… I assume another wing of the asylum from “The Ward” (same kind of super lax security) and they want revenge… and to get $12 million for facilitating the transfer of some dirty bombs to local terrorists. Who can save us? The Punisher!!! Okay, that’s the story… or at least the first act or so… but it’s all about the execution of the story… and I’ll admit… everybody in this f**king movie sounds like they have a weird Irish twist to their respective accents. The Punisher doesn’t speak much… so it’s hidden well… but Jigsaw sounds like an Englishman doing his worst Italian-wopdago stereotype (and I love Dominic West, don’t get it twisted)… and there’s even a Jamaican parkour guy who sounds like Bobby O’Marley… but aside from that, the movie is spot on. It’s extremely unabashedly violent… the mood is always dark… there’s always hues of red & green to almost every frame… even the sound effects sounds like the engineers were having a field day with KY jelly, grapes, mac & cheese, breaking glass and all kind of other muted breaking noises… HE PUNCHES THROUGH A GUY’S FACE!!! I read a little bit about this movie on IMDb… and there are WELL over a hundred DIFFERENT KINDS of guns used in this movie… and the death toll is probably in the Top 10 Movie Death Tolls of all time... but I enjoyed it. If you’re down for a total Man Movie, then I’d say check it out! You could do a LOT worse! There are some scenes where you’ll just go “F**K!!! Hahahaha… that was pretty awesome!”

 

It also got me thinking… about how the Punisher hasn’t been in the Marvel Universe. This movie came out a few months after the first Iron Man movie… and was under the “Marvel Knights” company… which apparently is separate from the more financially successful Marvel team (as it’s composed of this movie & the 2^nd Ghost Rider abortion a few years later) and is apparently for the more… let’s say EXTREME Marvel Universe where you can have gun-toting vigilantes & minions of Satan where there’s actual death tolls (as opposed to one character being killed off in “Avengers” movie and then brought back for a TV series later that year). If it’s the only way to get some of these characters & storylines brought to the screen, then so be it. Other characters in this universe are Black Panther (at least until next year), Black Widow and the Inhumans… and some of the darker storylines from other staples like I feel the Netflix Daredevil series is trying to do… but it got me thinking… “What if Punisher were in that extended Marvel Universe?” And here are some of my favorite Punisher Crossover Movie possibilities… starting with the most ridiculous to one that MUST happen…

 

Avengers: Infinity War Part Two – Let’s face it… there’s already enough characters in this movie… but I wouldn’t mind a quick cameo of The Punisher locking& loading as like a special general with S.H.I.E.L.D., giving a quick speech about finding the gumption to face impossible odds, charging into battle, and then maybe being quickly pimpslap-vaporized by Thanos. Maybe even follow it up with a snarky Tony Stark one-liner… You’re welcome, Hollywood.

 

X-Men: Apocolypse/Punishment Day – Basically the same as Avengers, but replace S.H.I.E.L.D. with Stryker’s armed forces… and Thanos with Apocalypse… and Tony Stark with Wolverine rattling off a Bad Pun… … …isher.

 

Punisher vs. Ghost Rider – Honestly the only reason that I want this movie to exist is to see Nicolas Cage do his crazy thing… you’d think that I’d be over it by now but… it’s just absolutely mesmerizing. As for the plot, they’re going after the same baddies… “This is my turf, punk!” Battle ensues… the only drawback is… honestly it’s not really a fair fight. Guns don’t even phase the Ghost Rider… in fact… from what I can tell in the movies… the only things that can slow down the Ghost Rider is either a dwindling return on investment… or Nicolas Cage’s schedule. That’s why this next one is much better…

 

Punisher vs. Daredevil – I’ve actually read this is already going to happen in the 2^nd season of the Netflix Daredevil series… and I basically got a woodie. Full chub. They even cast Jon Bernthal (“Walking Dead” & “Fury”) as the Punisher… and I’m perfectly okay with that. Also, you may be wondering why I don’t care about him going against fellow New Yorker Spiderman… and it’s because Spiderman is a f**king p**sy who couldn’t lick Frank Castle’s boot. Face!

 

Blade vs. Punisher – What? Blade gets top billing over the Punisher in this one? You bet he does! Wesley Snipes reprises the role that he was born to play… it’s the 4^th movie in both quadrilogies… and you can even have them meet up & battle the first time they meet because… you know, Punisher got wind that vampires are terrorizing the city… and Blade is half-vampire… but then after a battle, they begrudgingly join forces to try & take down Satan himself… played by Nicolas Cage with a full Fu Manchu… you’re welcome, World!!!

 

Punisher vs. Predator: Dusk of Justice – Okay, so I was trying to keep this all in the Marvel Universe… and I know that I might as well be saying Punisher vs. Jesus / Rambo / Batman / Superman / Lobo / Jason / Freddy /  The Devil / The Devil’s Rejects / Time / Barb Wire / Beavis & Butthead / Jurassic World or something like that. However… this would be f**king amazing on every level!!! You could even have Dolph Lundgren back as an aging Punisher (though I’d prefer Jason Statham or Ray Stevenson) following the trail of this mysterious killer whose… basically doing his work, taking out the trash of New York City. However, as he gets close… he realizes that it’s all for sport… and there’s only one man who can actually give Predator a challenge. “PUNISHER VS. PREDATOR: DUSK OF JUSTICE… coming this December…”

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry… I hope you all enjoyed it… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m probably going to watch some of that Netflix Daredevil so that I can get ready for the 2^nd season… have a great weekend everybody!!!

Avengers: The Age of Max

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

  

Saturday, we decided to go to a matinee at Cerrito Theatre… and oddly enough, Big Ben & his family did too… we saw them in line… and then we saw “Avengers: Age of Ultron” starring… the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You know the actors & characters… and if you don’t, you checked out a LONG time ago. Basically the story starts out with the Avengers attacking a Hydra (bad guys from previous movies) stronghold to recapture an ultra-powerful scepter… and incidentally release two new foes, the Maximoff twins (Quiksilver & Scarlet Witch, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson & Elisabeth Olsen… who played a married couple in their last movie “Godzilla”, don’t think about that though). While the Avengers have the scepter, Iron Man decides that it’d be a good idea to use it to make artificial intelligence using its power.. you know, so that they can achieve world peace… and spoiler alert, it doesn’t happen… and he ends up making a super-powerful robot called Ultron (voiced by James Spader) who spends the rest of the movie making a horde of indestructible robots that he can transfer his conscience through (using the internet, which he also runs now) and there’s a floating island and… you know, what? I’m not going to be able to do a good job in making this sounds like a good movie… but trust me, it’s better than a lot of people are giving it credit for. It’s a huge movie event… so there are gonna be things to knit-pick… but yeah, it’s an action movie. Here are my quick pros & cons:

 

What I Like About This Movie

·         Getting Everybody Involved – It’s a massive cinematic universe… it’s actually easier to tell you who from the previous movies is NOT in here (Gwyneth Paltrow & Natalie Portman) and they even added another dozen or so including…

 

·         Andy Serkis – Because there wasn’t enough big names in this movie, they brought in the Great Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaw who will probably be in the Black Panther movie, which I’m okay with… and other new faces include the twins (mentioned before), the voice of James Spader, and Hawkeye’s family with his wife Velma from “Scooby Doo”

 

What I Didn’t Like About This Movie

·         The Floating Island – Yes, THIS was the point in this movie of superheroes and such that I just gave up on the Physics like I’m watching “Interstellar” or a Syfy movie… but yeah, even given the stuff like the magnetic/force field used to making it fly… then why are people falling off the edge?

 

·         Ultron’s Motivation – Look, you’re an indestructible robot who utilizes the internet as your plaything with (apparently) limitless vibranium resources to make thousands of clones and such… who’s threatening you? Just run sh*t! No need to wipe out all humans… you want to destroy the world K2 style and then NOT have your resources? Logic flawed!!!

 

·         It Wasn’t Infinity War or Civil War – Quick cockteasing me!!! F**k the anticipatory foreplay, let’s get down!!!

 

Yeah, go check it out… it’s no Mad Max: Fury Road… but on that note…

 

We rewatched the rest of the Mad Max trilogy starting with “Mad Max 2: Road Warrior” starring Mel Gibson & directed by George Miller. In this installment, Max (Gibson) is wandering the wasteland of post-apocalyptic Earth and stumbles upon a small oil refinery community… and he’s out of gas… but there’s also a band of marauders who are looking to take it over, get the gas & kill everybody inside… probably after some rapening. So then it works out that Max isn’t a complete dick & tries to save them… while saving himself. Before Fury Road, this was the best Mad Max movie… not just my opinion, basically FACT. Google it. There’s great action & intrigue throughout… and I highly recommend that you see this as soon as possible… and then go see Fury Road.

 

Later that night, we also watched the finale of the original trilogy “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” starring Mel Gibson and… Tina Turner. Yes, THAT Tina Turner… who also provided the soundtrack. Ugh… okay… in this installment Mad Max (with really long 80’s hair) is inexplicably surprise camel-drawn-wagon-jacked by one of the people that he saved in Mad Max 2… and then follows him to Bartertown, the Mos Eisley of this realm… where people come to trade their goods, get some companionship, and just not die if at all possible. Well, he goes in to get his camel-drawn wagon & supplies back… and then stumbles upon a political coup when the mayor of Bartertown (Turner) who’s trying to killer Master Blaster, who’s running the pig sh*t farm that this city (and plot) is built upon. Okay… so in summation, there’s THUNDERDOME which is a duel to the death… then there’s a surprise group of children who save Max… and a train… but did you notice one thing that I haven’t mentioned about this movie? Anything that’s missing from the plot outline? F**KING CARS!!! THERE’S NO CARS IN THIS CAR-CHASE MOVIE UNTIL… about 80 minutes in… and even then, it’s the bad guys who have the cars… and they’re on a train… which apparently still runs just fine on a clean track and… INEXCUSEABLE!!! Ugh… look, it’s easy to mock this movie… I mean… Tina Turner is the 2^nd billed ACTOR in this movie. Is it a horrible movie? Not at all… seriously, the potential of this movie is f**king amazing… and I want to see the sequel to Fury Road be a reimagining of this concept in some way… but yeah, it’s not great… and almost killed the franchise… until 30 years later when it RISES LIKE A PHOENIX IN FURY ROAD!!! SERIOUSLY GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!! “PITCH PERFECT 2” IS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE AMERICA!!! MEANWHILE FURY ROAD MADE ABOUT HALF AS MUCH MONEY & IS AT 98% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES!!! THAT MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A F**KING AMERICAN!!!

   

Earlier in the week, we were forwarded an email (possibly propaganda) about 20 horror movies available on Netflix that we should check out. We’d already seen three of them… but we figured that we’d watch some of the rest, if not all. First up was “Housebound” which is the story of New Zealand troublemaker (Morgana O’Reilly) who is arrested and sentenced to 8 months of house arrest… at her mother’s house. That’s right… moving back in with your mom & stepfather… what could be worse? Well, what if your well-intentioned blabbermouth mother also thinks that the mouth is haunted… and after a few days, event cause you to believe her. That’s about all I’m going to give you about the story… but I would highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s not super gory or anything… the acting is decent… the suspense is great… the story is even pretty decent with just a little disbelief. For example, I was trying to figure out how old the main character was supposed to be. In the story, she seems like she might be anywhere between 17 & 22 because she’s apparently fresh out of school… but the actress is obviously in her late twenties… but I just assume that’s why they mention that she’s on meth (quickly, but she’s pretty gorgeous for meth head, just saying maybe it aged her a bit)… and there are a few other things that you’ll just have to wave off… but overall, check this movie out! Support independent movies from Kiwi Hobbit World!

 

Next up was a movie called “Late Phases” starring Nick Damici & Ethan Embry (was in “Can’t Hardly Wait”, “Empire Records” & “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” but has honestly not aged well) and is the story of an aging wounded war vet (Damici) who moves to a retirement community where people are dying of mysterious circumstances… like BEING TORN TO F**KING SHREDS!!! Okay, I really do recommend checking this movie out… I want to get that out of the way right away because it’s a good flick & Nick Damici does a good job at playing a blind iron-resolute vet who seems amazed that everybody around him is f**king stupid… and the other actors do pretty well, including Tom Noonan who I haven’t seen in a while… you can see him as a priest with a beard. There are also some great teases that show that the writers have obviously seen past werewolf movies like “Silver Bullet” (there’s a priest involved AND an eye-patch guy) and others of the ilk. My main problem with this movie… is that EVERYBODY IS SO F**KING STUPID!!! The police? F**king useless… like even more so than they are in real life. “Eh, maybe it’s dogs doing it.” THEN KILL THE F**KING DOGS!!! The neighbors & other people in the retirement community? Friends & member of your community are dropping like flies… and not the peacefully in their sleep way as you might expect… more like screaming & being torn asunder… so what do you do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! No heightened security, no extra camera footage (like three cameras in the whole sprawling city and two are at the front gate?), all kinds of stupid sh*t that you just have to say… “Okay, they all long for death’s sweet embrace & the people running the community have a lot of prepaid leases and a healthy waiting list for new entries… I’ll go with that… I guess.” Aside from that though, I liked this movie… made me think of my dad a little bit (sadly) and he would’ve probably liked this movie… picture a blind Charles Bronson going against a legion of werewolves… you’re welcome!

 

We also watched an odd little movie called “Volcano High” that… apparently was a Korean martial arts movie set in a high school where I guess everybody has super fighting powers… insert the new kid protagonist… and was on MTV for a while back in the early 2000’s. Now, I like martial arts movies… even the ones bordering on anime… but why would I watch this one as opposed to the hundreds, thousands of others? Well… this one was dubbed into English… but some of the biggest hip hop artists of the day… namely Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Andre 3000 & Big Boi of Outkast, Kelis, Mya, even Li’l Jon before he blew the f**k up… and random ass selections like the late great Pat Morita& Tracy Morgan. Intrigued, right? Yeah, me too! Well… the movie was okay… the lead guy especially had some amazing Jim Carrey-esque goofy smiles and stuff that was entertaining… the story is… well, it’s what you expect… and fighting scenes are okay loaded with special effects & reality bending… but it’s what you expect. My knit-pick… is that everything seems to be in super slow motion when they fight… to the point where I’m pretty sure a regular speed version of this movie… would last about 22 minutes, your average sitcom episode. Anyway, do you need to check it out? Of course not… but then again, that got me thinking about doing some ADR work for other foreign language movies… but these ones are actually good… so I give you my ADR nominations for the English dubbing… of “Raid: Redemption”!!!

 

Now, because it’s so jam packed with action, there’s not a whole lot of dialogue required to dub… I feel like Rama, the protagonist supercop could be voiced by… Eminem. Hear me out! Why Eminem? Because you can understand what he says… regardless of what Sly, Arnie, JCVD & others might say that’s pretty f**king important. Plus, he has a more miniscule, almost childish voice that he can use to give some empathy towards the hero. One thing from “Volcano High” that irritated me was Andre 3000 voicing the main guy who’s supposed to be kinda nerdy… Andre 3000 sounds cool as f**k all damn day… every day. Plus… you get a lot of raging Eminem “Ha-YA!!!”s once the fights start… you’re welcome!

 

I also like the idea of the injured officer Bowo being voiced by the great R. Kelly. Why? Why the hell not? That velvety voice would sing-song it’s way through his moans of pain... and I just like the idea.

 

Now for the crime lord Tama Riyadi... you'd think that I'd go with some boss like mutha f**k like Jay-Z... and that's an interesting pick... and I'd watch that movie... probably twice. We're talking about the "final boss" in this basically video game movie... and to have Jigga yelling out orders & runnin' sh*t from the top floor would be nice... but I'm casting Jay-Z's voice (if he has time) as the police commissioner barking out orders or something. Instead, I'm giving Tama's role to...

 

DMX!!! That rough, gravely, crazy voice with emphasis EVERYWHERE... you know it's the right decision. This show would be epic... how is this not already done? DMX should be in everything.

 

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight... busy little weekend coming up with Izzy's graduation & her family in town. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Support our troops!!!

The Greatest Year in Movie History

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wednesday night, Izzy & I watched “22 Jump Street” starring Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill & Ice Cube… and yes, this is the sequel to the parody of a dated & preposterous TV show that they turned into a movie last year… so it has a LOT of things going against it. That being said… it’s actually pretty f**king hilarious. For those who don’t know the premise, two policemen in their late twenties/early thirties pose as high school kids in the original to bust a drug ring… and this movie picks up right after the last, except this time… they’re going to college. What changes? Well… not much really… except the students are even less willing to accept that these guys are students (which is odd cuz… yeah, you don’t need to pretend to be younger in college). Yes, the plot is pretty thin. Yes, the humor is a tad sophomoric & ultimately self-deprecating… but that’s exactly what you expect from this movie. There will be no Oscar nominations… students of stage & screen will not marvel at the precise emotions of the main actors… nor will thespians who fancy the Bard quote Ice Cube’s character during the next Shakespearian-inspired performances at Carnegie Hall… muthaf**kas… but it exists to create laughs… and it does that pretty damn well. If you’re into laugher, I’d definitely say check it out… you won’t be disappointed unless you’re expecting Channing Tatum to win an Academy Award (2017 will be his year, mark it now).

Later that night, we watched a movie that I hadn’t even heard of that came out last year called “Oculus” starring… well, Katee Sackhoff from “Battlestar Galactice” is in it… and Rory Cochran from “Empire Records” all grown up… and apparently the main girl was Nebula in “Guardians of the Galaxy” under all the makeup (Karen Gillan) but yeah, pretty exclusive & little known cast in this one. Anyway, the story is about a young 21-year old man who is recently released from a mental institution that he’s been in for 11 years since the bizarre killing of his parents in 2002. His sister (Gillan) picks him up… and basically takes him straight from the institution to the house where it all happened… and who else is there but the one they all blame for killing their parents… a 400-year old mirror. Needless to say, apparently mental health issues run in the family… but the man has been in the institution… and has learned that what he perceived to have happened, could not have happened. It was all in his ill mind. The sister, apparently hid her convictions a lot better, and is adamant to PROVE that the Mirror killed their parents… and has set up a “Ghost Adventures”-esque documentation area to observe it. Now, from this point in the movie, where it’s just the two of them, in this house, with the mirror, and their own perceptions of what’s real, and blurred lines between the past, present & reality in general… the movie is pretty f**king amazing. Honestly, it’s one of the best horror movies that I’ve seen in a long, long, long time. You’re genuinely intrigued as to what’s going on. Is the Mirror haunted? Possessed? Or is this just the delusions of two schizophrenics? Is one sane & the other isn’t? Then why are they seeing the same things? Is the Mirror controlling their minds? You don’t know what’s going to happen because it plays with perception & perspective… how they remember the past & how their present is manipulated by their senses… I just highly recommend that if you enjoy a good scare (and don’t worry, it’s actually pretty low on gore, though a few spots have blood) then go rent this movie as soon as possible. GREAT horror flick!!!

Thursday night, Izzy & I finally watched “X-Men: Days of Future Past” which is the latest installment of the X-Men movie series and the return of director Bryan Singer (first two & “Usual Suspects”). In this edition, it’s the year 2023 or so… and the world is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad place where these giant, adaptable, basically unstoppable robots called Sentinels are used to eliminate mutants… and not only that… but they wipe out anybody with genetics that could possibly produce mutants in the future… so basically everybody since that’s the nature of evolution. Mankind is basically doomed. Roll credits. No, wait! One of the mutants is able to… okay, go with me on this one… send somebody back through time using their own memories… wait… and then through their memories, they can change the past & save the future. However, to do this, they have to go back to “the beginning” which conveniently enough… begins in 1973, right in between the generations of the original trilogy… and the younger “First Class” version… sigh… f**k me, it’s “Star Trek: Generations” but with X-Men… and the time travel concept from “Butterfly Effect”. Awesome, right? Okay, so they send Wolverine back because… well, the reasoning is that he’s the only one that can physically withstand having his mind stretched back 50 years… but I was kinda raised on the whole point that Wolverine’s main weakness is that his mind is kind of a jumbled mess of horribleness that causes him to basically flip out at any moment… let’s be honest, it’s because Hugh Jackman is the star & he’s basically f**king timeless and can be the “anchor” for our frame of reality… so he’s sent back to change the past & save the future. Okay, seriously… as silly as it might sound… go check this movie out.

What I Liked:

• Overall, Just a Decent Comic Book Flick / Crossover / Reboot – That pretty much says it all… and let’s be honest, the whole point of this movie in essence… was for Bryan Singer to pull a Richard Donner. What’s that mean? Richard Donner directed the first two Superman movies (the good ones) and then was brought back to produce “Superman Returns” after a few sh*tty movies were made in between… basically to say, “You know what? Those bad movies… never happened in this universe now. We can continue & forget about that alternate dimension of hogwash.” Basically there was X-Men & X2… and then Singer went off to do… oh yeah, “Superman Returns” and there were a few bad X-Men movies made (X3, Origins: Wolverine & The Wolverine) but with the events of this movie… they kinda go, “Nope, never happened now. All better. You’re welcome.”

• Working Everybody into the Movie (except Rogue) – The cast of main characters is a tremendous amount. Something like two dozen or more… but they also did a decent job of giving the big names the majority of the scenes (Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Patrick Stewart, etc) while keeping a lot of the others to little more than cameos… and actually keeping some of the more annoying characters from the first movie as half-scene cockblockers (Cyclops) or out of the movie entirely (Rogue). Not an easy feat I’m sure.

• Quiksilver Steals the Show – Evan Peters (“American Horror Story”) plays the character Quiksilver who was always a favorite as a kid… and as the name might infer, he can run really, really, really fast… like the Flash… but if the Flash were a teenage smartass. He’s basically in the movie for two scenes… and they’re probably the most memorable ones of the whole movie… then for some reason, they send him back home because there’s no possible way that he could help them later on… you know, moments after he just broke one of the three most powerful beings on Earth out of the Pentagon almost single-handedly.

• Peter Dinklage – It’s really a shame that this guy can’t be in more movies or shows. It’s hard out there for a little person trying to make it in the average sized Hollywood game. However, it seems whatever he’s doing… he acting the sh*t out of it… and I’m glad that they were able to get him in this movie as the pivotal character Bolivar Trask (creator of the Sentinels) and actually give him some character depth.



What I Didn’t Like:

• Professor Xavier’s Legs – “WHY THE F**K ARE YOU WALKING AROUND???” That was my reaction to James McAvoy doing his best impression of The Dude when he first comes into the scene as 1973 Professor X… and it was kind of hard to focus on whatever they were talking about for the next ten minutes. Oh sorry, in case you didn’t know, Professor X is without the use of his legs… it’s the whole angle of having the most powerful mind in the world… but the flesh is weak & spongy… and at the end of “First Class” is the scene where he is crippled by a stray bullet. So to have him just gingerly walking into frame… you might see the reaction justified. Oh… and the reason for his walking? So… he’s an addict for the serum that makes it so he can’t use his mutant mental powers… and apparently what happens is when he’s taking hits of that, he can walk just fine… even run from time to time… but as soon as his powers come back, THAT’S what cripples him & makes him wheelchair bound. F**k you, movie! Too much going on upstairs to control the legs? Okay, I’ll take that. Then don’t throw in the f**king serum that makes it all better. Okay… done with that.

• Brutal Deaths – So… this is a PG-13 movies… but YOOOOOOOO!!! Some of the death scenes set in 2023 involving the unstoppable Sentinels & the last of the mutantkind… are pretty f**king brutal. Lots of stabbing through the torsos like shishkabob… bodies exploding… decapitations… and there’s quite a few occasions where somebody is choked the f**k out. Granted, there’s not a lot of blood… but still, pretty brutal… and because of the time travel component… it kinda happens a lot as they “reset” and play again.

• Bishop Cameo – In the 2023 scenes, we get our first glimpse at one of the biggest badasses in X-Men lore, the gigantic & thoroughly mullet-dreadlocked Bishop… and he doesn’t really disappoint… except you don’t really know who he is unless you’re a nerd or you think his superpower is dying epicly (see previous point). My big question though is… Where the f**k is CABLE??? It’s not really a complaint for this movie as there’s already a LOT of things going on… but Cable is a badass & he hasn’t been in a movie yet (queue “X-Men: Apocalypse”?). If you don’t know who he is… google it… but I can’t wait to see him played by Arnie? Or Stephen Lang (“Avatar”)? Or Mickey Rourke? Or Robert Patrick maybe (Izzy’s suggestion)? Anyway, good movie check it out.





Movies of 1994 (20th Anniversary)



As we come to year’s end… and I’m obviously watching a lot of movies from this year… I can’t help but think back to… what may hands-down be the greatest year in movie history – 1994. Twenty years ago now, all of these movies were made & released… and I think you’ll agree that they’re all quite EPIC… and probably all of them that you’ve seen have shaped your life in some way. Heck, if you’re a teenager, and you haven’t seen this movies, check ‘em out… well, most of them anyway. Anyway, here’s just a sampling of movies from that year that you might remember fondly…



Drama

• Pulp Fiction – Probably my favorite movie of all time… and the one that really put Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman, Ving Rhames & Samuel L. Jackson on the map… and rejuvenated John Travolta’s career. Yes, it was snubbed repeatedly for awards… but whatever, that’s Hollywood.

• Forrest Gump – Does it hold up? Yeah, I think so. Funny, tugs at the heart strings, a unique & memorable tale of a dumbass who apparently was involved in nearly every facet of American history from 1955 to the late 80’s… and then begat Haley Joel Osment with the crack-fiend version of Buttercup. In all honesty though, I love this movie & I don’t care what you say, nor should you care what I say.

• Shawshank Redemption – Morgan Freeman’s incredible narration career begins…

• The Client – Susan Sarandon, Tommy Lee Jones & the late great child actor Brad Renfro among others… is it bad that the first thing I remember about this movie is “Hey Ricky, how does an eskimo take a piss?”

• Above the Rim – Basketball + 2Pac’s role as Birdie = Movie gold in my opinion

• Immortal Beloved – Gary Oldman is Beethoven… that’s all you need to know… go watch it!!!



Action

• True Lies – Arnold at his finest! No, not Schwarzenegger… Tom Arnold! Okay, maybe both… and jailbait Eliza Dushku

• Clear & Present Danger – Jack Ryan: American Badass takes on Willem Dafoe… also starring jailbait Thora Birch

• Leon: The Professional – Luc Besson begins his oddly intriguing grip on action cinema… and Gary Oldman turns from Beethoven to a Badass… and jailbait Natalie Portman… hmm… a lot of legitimate jailbait in this year’s action movies…

• Natural Born Killers – Oliver Stone… Woody Harrelson… Juliette Lewis… coked-out Robert Downey jr… Tom Sizemore… Rodney Dangerfield cameo… and Tommy Lee Jones comes in & plays probably the craziest of all them… f**king classic movie

• Speed – Ladies & gentlemen, Academy-Award winner Sandra Bullock stars as the comic relief / love interest in this Keanu Reeves action behemoth

• Stargate – James Spader… Kurt Russell… Those badass Anubis warriors… Admit it… you f**king love this movie too… and probably the TV series… serieses? What’s the plural for series?

• Timecop & Street Fighter – Jean-Claude Van Damme had probably his finest year… time traveling cop & the leader of the American forces set to take out a Thai terrorist leader played by the late great Raul Julia… hmm… wasn’t his second in command Kylie Minogue in that movie?

• The Specialist – Sylvester Stallone also existed… as did Sharon Stone & James Woods… not their finest flick but it was Sly’s follow-up to the classic Demolition Man & let’s be honest… the only reason anybody went to see this movie was to see the sex scene where Sly gets up in the Family Stone… or see a lot of sh*t get blown up

• Blown Away – Speaking of sh*t getting blown up…

• On Deadly Ground – Steven Seagal also existed during this time… and he even DIRECTED this classic where the synopsis is… I sh*t you not, this is straight from IMDb “Mystical martial artist/environmental agent takes on a ruthless oil corporation.” Not only that… it also stars Michael Caine, Billy Bob Thornton, John McGinley, R. Lee Ermey & the great Sven Ole Thorsen

• The Shadow – Alec Baldwin vs. KHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!

• Star Trek: Generations – Mentioned above in the X-Men review, but yeah, this movie brought Picard & Kirk together via wormhole (Nexus?) instead of sillier time travel ideas like thinking really hard about it

• Highlander: The Final Dimension – So remember that whole “Highlander II: The Quickening” thing? Yeah, forget about it… just add magic. Also, Mario Van Peebles is an underrated actor (not in this movie, just overall), Mako had a cameo, and Debra Unger was REALLY hot. That’s all I really remember about this movie…

• Double Dragon – Not the worst video game movie ever made (Super Mario Bros is still #1) but pretty close… Alyssa Milano is in it… Robert Patrick… but it’s really odd when the Lee brothers are played by Scott Wolf from “Party of Five” and the Iron Chef (“Brotherhood of the Wolf” is badass though).



Comedy

• Dumb & Dumber – This was the year that made Jim Carrey LEGEND!!! He started off with the underground classic “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”, followed up with this movie that’s regarded as one of the top of all time… and then finished it up with “The Mask” which was larger budget & launched the career of Cameron Diaz (and a few sh*tty sequels). Has any actor had a better year of work than Jim Carrey had in 1994? Especially from a comedy perspective?

• Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult – The finale of the great Naked Gun trilogy… and just to show you how much can change in twenty years, this movie starred both O.J. Simpson AND Anna Nicole Smith… and the main plot centered around terrorists plotting to destroy the American way of life… by blowing up the Oscars… and it was totally tongue-in-cheek. Fantastic!!!

• Addams Family Values – Okay, officially it was released November of ’93… but f**k it, this is my list & I’m including this masterpiece because I probably watched it a few dozen times in 1994. Deal.

• Maverick – Mel Gibson before he went f**king crazy… Jodie Foster before she went f**king crazy… Alfred Molina before you had to mention he was in a movie… and James Garner is all that is Man. Damn I wanna watch this movie now.

• Ed Wood – Tim Burton & Johnny Depp telling the story of probably the worst director in the history of cinema (before Uwe Boll). Great flick… lots of awards… Martin Landau… go see it!

• Don Juan DeMarco – Speaking of Johnny Depp, f**k you I love this movie… and the song! I am not ashamed.

• Clerks – This was one of the first really big indie films… and of course started Kevin Smith to being the living punchline/social icon that he is today. Keep an eye out for “Clerks 3” coming out next year I think… and “Clerks 2” really wasn’t that bad… I miss my donkey…

• Priscilla: Queen of the Desert – General Zod, Agent Smith & Guy Pearce are drag queens on a road trip across the Australian landscape… sigh… it’s actually pretty damn good

• Beverly Hills Cop III – Eddie Murphy was still funny twenty years ago… this is the one at the amusement park though.

• Milk Money – Watching this family film as an adult… is a thousand times more disturbing than watching it as a teenager. The premise is a kid (maybe 12 yrs old?) goes into town to see a naked woman with his friends (odd). While there he meets V (Melanie Griffith) who takes their money for a quick flash of her tatas. Moments later, she’s on the run from her pimp’s pimp (Malcolm McDowell) and goes home with this kid to hide out in his treehouse… but then she meets the widower father (Ed Harris) and the kid tries to hook them up. Trust me… it only gets worse from there really… but still fond memories

• Junior – “Okay Mr. Producer, so my idea for a movie… Arnold Schwarzenegger is pregnant…” “When can we start filming?”

• Cabin Boy – I f**king LOVE this movie… and can’t believe that Chris Elliott wasn’t a bigger thing. Fun fact: David Letterman’s best performance to date

• Wagons East – John Candy’s last movie… and he had to share top billing with Richard Lewis… sigh… it’s actually still pretty damn funny, an anti-Western

• Airheads – Today: “Okay Mr. Producer… Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler & Steve Buscemi are…” “I’m out!”

• The Ref – Denis Leary + Christmas = “Holy sh*t is that Kevin Spacey???”

• PCU – The underground launching pad for future star Jeremy Piven… and George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic are essentially main characters… you really can’t beat it

• A Low Down Dirty Shame – Written & directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans as “In Living Color” stars were splitting off to take over Hollywood, a really underrated black detective comedy that should be mentioned more with the likes of “Undercover Brother” & “Black Dynamite”

• Blankman – Damon Wayans as an unlikely superhero… David Alan Grier as the voice of reason… Robin Givens as the love interest… and Jason Alexander in a wheelchair… hilarious

• Duckman (TV) – Yes, I know it’s not a movie… but this show is f**king awesome and I just mentioned Jason Alexander so… WATCH IT!!!

• Due South (TV) – Izzy would feel a little gipped if I didn’t mention that her favorite TV Show of all time didn’t start in ’94 too… about a lovely & infallible Mountie named Benton Fraser in the mean streets of Chicago… and I’m told that I’m very similar to Benton



Horror-ish

• Interview with the Vampire – “Legends of the Fall”

• Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – Kenneth Branaugh stars & directs the classic story with Robert DeNiro as the monster & Helena Bonham Carter as his bride… that’s right, Helena Bonham Carter in a horror movie NOT directed by Tim Burton

• The Crow – RIP Brandon Lee… seriously though… the son of Bruce Lee would’ve been Keanu Reeves if not for the mishap… think about it

• The Stand – I mention this 45-hour mini-series only because my uncle’s arm is apparently in a scene unloading bodies into a dump… I’ve actually never seen this… but it came out the appropriate year

• Wes Craven’s New Nightmare – This was actually my first introduction to the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series (remember, I was 13) but after watching it… my dad basically told me, “Okay… let’s watch the original… it’s better” but still… as far as #6 or 7 in a horror series goes, actually not that bad

• Wolf – Jack Nicholson is an aging publisher who gets bitten by a wolf… and he slowly but surely turns into a werewolf over the course of this movie. Michelle Pfeiffer is hot. James Spader is the master of playing the pricky young publisher moving in on Jack’s turf… but yeah, this movie is just a good reason to watch Jack play Jack… and it’s basically symbolic of two guys trying to mark their territory… love it

• In the Mouth of Madness – The year after Jurassic Park came out, Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) was in this John Carpenter movie about an insurance adjuster looking into the fans of a horror writer and… it just gets really weird & satanic… check it out… Jurgen Prochnow is cast perfectly

• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation – Ladies & gentlemen, starring Academy Award-winner Matthew McConaughey & Renee Zellweger… the first of MANY Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboots… and if you’ve seen it… you know why I’m laughing about robot legs.



Family

• The Lion King – Still probably the best Disney movie…

• The Little Rascals – F**k I love this movie too… in spite of Whoopi’s cameo

• D2: The Mighty Ducks – Team Iceland… you don’t like them either…

• The Jungle Book – Why isn’t Jason Scott Lee in more movies?

• The Flintstones – I mean… for a Flintstones movie… eh…

• The Return of Jafar – HELL YEAH!!! The straight-to-VHS sequel to “Aladdin” which was actually okay…

• Richie Rich – Macaulay Culkin headlined this movie and “Pagemaster” this year… does it piss you off sometimes that a 13-year old can make a sh*t ton more money than you ever will?

• Angels in the Outfield – TONY DANZA!!!

• The Next Karate Kid – Ladies & gentlemen, starring TWO-TIME Academy Award-winner Hilary Swank as the more effeminate Daniel-son (Danielle-son?) in the fourth movie of the legendary series… hmm… do you think if there was a twist ending where she died at the end, would she be a THREE-TIME Academy Award winner?



The Rest

• Four Weddings & a Funeral – Yeah… no comment…

• It Could Happen to You – No… no, it couldn’t… but Nicolas Cage!

• Reality Bites – Ugh… I wanted them all to die when I saw this for the first time last year…

• Hoop Dreams – 13 year old me decided to watch this three-hour documentary about William “Bill” Gates & Arthur Agee, two kids from Chicago trying to make it to the pros… instead of “Billy Madison” & another movie that my brother decided to go see instead (early 1995)… he won that round… but still, great documentary… it’s tough to cover something like 15 years in less than three hours

• Quiz Show – Haven’t seen it… heard good things… directed by Robert Redford… won awards…

• Exotica – I just remember this trailer a lot… because it had Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) and it was the saddest, creepiest strip club that I had ever seen at the time…

• North – So while Bruce Willis was also revitalizing his career in “Pulp Fiction”, he also played a guy in a pink bunny suit in this flick… and with a ridiculously star-studded cast… directed by Rob Reiner… but just to put it in perspective, Bruce Willis was in a pink bunny suit… and Kathy Bates was an Eskimo mother… even though the first role of a ten-year old jailbait Scarlett Johannsen, one of the worst movies ever made…

• Exit to Eden – But not even the worst movie made that year… Dan Aykroyd & Rosie O’Donnell undercover at a sex resort… the best part about this movie… my mom picked it out when I was a kid. “Hey, this one has the guy from Ghostbusters & that girl from A League of Their Own! I’ll bet it’s hilarious!” She was wrong… but I still love her…



Seriously though, if you can think of a better year for movies… please share. I enjoy these little trips down memory lane… and now I’m gonna have to watch half of the above list again. Have a great weekend everybody!!!