Avengers: The Age of Max

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

  

Saturday, we decided to go to a matinee at Cerrito Theatre… and oddly enough, Big Ben & his family did too… we saw them in line… and then we saw “Avengers: Age of Ultron” starring… the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You know the actors & characters… and if you don’t, you checked out a LONG time ago. Basically the story starts out with the Avengers attacking a Hydra (bad guys from previous movies) stronghold to recapture an ultra-powerful scepter… and incidentally release two new foes, the Maximoff twins (Quiksilver & Scarlet Witch, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson & Elisabeth Olsen… who played a married couple in their last movie “Godzilla”, don’t think about that though). While the Avengers have the scepter, Iron Man decides that it’d be a good idea to use it to make artificial intelligence using its power.. you know, so that they can achieve world peace… and spoiler alert, it doesn’t happen… and he ends up making a super-powerful robot called Ultron (voiced by James Spader) who spends the rest of the movie making a horde of indestructible robots that he can transfer his conscience through (using the internet, which he also runs now) and there’s a floating island and… you know, what? I’m not going to be able to do a good job in making this sounds like a good movie… but trust me, it’s better than a lot of people are giving it credit for. It’s a huge movie event… so there are gonna be things to knit-pick… but yeah, it’s an action movie. Here are my quick pros & cons:

 

What I Like About This Movie

·         Getting Everybody Involved – It’s a massive cinematic universe… it’s actually easier to tell you who from the previous movies is NOT in here (Gwyneth Paltrow & Natalie Portman) and they even added another dozen or so including…

 

·         Andy Serkis – Because there wasn’t enough big names in this movie, they brought in the Great Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaw who will probably be in the Black Panther movie, which I’m okay with… and other new faces include the twins (mentioned before), the voice of James Spader, and Hawkeye’s family with his wife Velma from “Scooby Doo”

 

What I Didn’t Like About This Movie

·         The Floating Island – Yes, THIS was the point in this movie of superheroes and such that I just gave up on the Physics like I’m watching “Interstellar” or a Syfy movie… but yeah, even given the stuff like the magnetic/force field used to making it fly… then why are people falling off the edge?

 

·         Ultron’s Motivation – Look, you’re an indestructible robot who utilizes the internet as your plaything with (apparently) limitless vibranium resources to make thousands of clones and such… who’s threatening you? Just run sh*t! No need to wipe out all humans… you want to destroy the world K2 style and then NOT have your resources? Logic flawed!!!

 

·         It Wasn’t Infinity War or Civil War – Quick cockteasing me!!! F**k the anticipatory foreplay, let’s get down!!!

 

Yeah, go check it out… it’s no Mad Max: Fury Road… but on that note…

 

We rewatched the rest of the Mad Max trilogy starting with “Mad Max 2: Road Warrior” starring Mel Gibson & directed by George Miller. In this installment, Max (Gibson) is wandering the wasteland of post-apocalyptic Earth and stumbles upon a small oil refinery community… and he’s out of gas… but there’s also a band of marauders who are looking to take it over, get the gas & kill everybody inside… probably after some rapening. So then it works out that Max isn’t a complete dick & tries to save them… while saving himself. Before Fury Road, this was the best Mad Max movie… not just my opinion, basically FACT. Google it. There’s great action & intrigue throughout… and I highly recommend that you see this as soon as possible… and then go see Fury Road.

 

Later that night, we also watched the finale of the original trilogy “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” starring Mel Gibson and… Tina Turner. Yes, THAT Tina Turner… who also provided the soundtrack. Ugh… okay… in this installment Mad Max (with really long 80’s hair) is inexplicably surprise camel-drawn-wagon-jacked by one of the people that he saved in Mad Max 2… and then follows him to Bartertown, the Mos Eisley of this realm… where people come to trade their goods, get some companionship, and just not die if at all possible. Well, he goes in to get his camel-drawn wagon & supplies back… and then stumbles upon a political coup when the mayor of Bartertown (Turner) who’s trying to killer Master Blaster, who’s running the pig sh*t farm that this city (and plot) is built upon. Okay… so in summation, there’s THUNDERDOME which is a duel to the death… then there’s a surprise group of children who save Max… and a train… but did you notice one thing that I haven’t mentioned about this movie? Anything that’s missing from the plot outline? F**KING CARS!!! THERE’S NO CARS IN THIS CAR-CHASE MOVIE UNTIL… about 80 minutes in… and even then, it’s the bad guys who have the cars… and they’re on a train… which apparently still runs just fine on a clean track and… INEXCUSEABLE!!! Ugh… look, it’s easy to mock this movie… I mean… Tina Turner is the 2^nd billed ACTOR in this movie. Is it a horrible movie? Not at all… seriously, the potential of this movie is f**king amazing… and I want to see the sequel to Fury Road be a reimagining of this concept in some way… but yeah, it’s not great… and almost killed the franchise… until 30 years later when it RISES LIKE A PHOENIX IN FURY ROAD!!! SERIOUSLY GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!! “PITCH PERFECT 2” IS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE AMERICA!!! MEANWHILE FURY ROAD MADE ABOUT HALF AS MUCH MONEY & IS AT 98% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES!!! THAT MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A F**KING AMERICAN!!!

   

Earlier in the week, we were forwarded an email (possibly propaganda) about 20 horror movies available on Netflix that we should check out. We’d already seen three of them… but we figured that we’d watch some of the rest, if not all. First up was “Housebound” which is the story of New Zealand troublemaker (Morgana O’Reilly) who is arrested and sentenced to 8 months of house arrest… at her mother’s house. That’s right… moving back in with your mom & stepfather… what could be worse? Well, what if your well-intentioned blabbermouth mother also thinks that the mouth is haunted… and after a few days, event cause you to believe her. That’s about all I’m going to give you about the story… but I would highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s not super gory or anything… the acting is decent… the suspense is great… the story is even pretty decent with just a little disbelief. For example, I was trying to figure out how old the main character was supposed to be. In the story, she seems like she might be anywhere between 17 & 22 because she’s apparently fresh out of school… but the actress is obviously in her late twenties… but I just assume that’s why they mention that she’s on meth (quickly, but she’s pretty gorgeous for meth head, just saying maybe it aged her a bit)… and there are a few other things that you’ll just have to wave off… but overall, check this movie out! Support independent movies from Kiwi Hobbit World!

 

Next up was a movie called “Late Phases” starring Nick Damici & Ethan Embry (was in “Can’t Hardly Wait”, “Empire Records” & “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” but has honestly not aged well) and is the story of an aging wounded war vet (Damici) who moves to a retirement community where people are dying of mysterious circumstances… like BEING TORN TO F**KING SHREDS!!! Okay, I really do recommend checking this movie out… I want to get that out of the way right away because it’s a good flick & Nick Damici does a good job at playing a blind iron-resolute vet who seems amazed that everybody around him is f**king stupid… and the other actors do pretty well, including Tom Noonan who I haven’t seen in a while… you can see him as a priest with a beard. There are also some great teases that show that the writers have obviously seen past werewolf movies like “Silver Bullet” (there’s a priest involved AND an eye-patch guy) and others of the ilk. My main problem with this movie… is that EVERYBODY IS SO F**KING STUPID!!! The police? F**king useless… like even more so than they are in real life. “Eh, maybe it’s dogs doing it.” THEN KILL THE F**KING DOGS!!! The neighbors & other people in the retirement community? Friends & member of your community are dropping like flies… and not the peacefully in their sleep way as you might expect… more like screaming & being torn asunder… so what do you do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! No heightened security, no extra camera footage (like three cameras in the whole sprawling city and two are at the front gate?), all kinds of stupid sh*t that you just have to say… “Okay, they all long for death’s sweet embrace & the people running the community have a lot of prepaid leases and a healthy waiting list for new entries… I’ll go with that… I guess.” Aside from that though, I liked this movie… made me think of my dad a little bit (sadly) and he would’ve probably liked this movie… picture a blind Charles Bronson going against a legion of werewolves… you’re welcome!

 

We also watched an odd little movie called “Volcano High” that… apparently was a Korean martial arts movie set in a high school where I guess everybody has super fighting powers… insert the new kid protagonist… and was on MTV for a while back in the early 2000’s. Now, I like martial arts movies… even the ones bordering on anime… but why would I watch this one as opposed to the hundreds, thousands of others? Well… this one was dubbed into English… but some of the biggest hip hop artists of the day… namely Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Andre 3000 & Big Boi of Outkast, Kelis, Mya, even Li’l Jon before he blew the f**k up… and random ass selections like the late great Pat Morita& Tracy Morgan. Intrigued, right? Yeah, me too! Well… the movie was okay… the lead guy especially had some amazing Jim Carrey-esque goofy smiles and stuff that was entertaining… the story is… well, it’s what you expect… and fighting scenes are okay loaded with special effects & reality bending… but it’s what you expect. My knit-pick… is that everything seems to be in super slow motion when they fight… to the point where I’m pretty sure a regular speed version of this movie… would last about 22 minutes, your average sitcom episode. Anyway, do you need to check it out? Of course not… but then again, that got me thinking about doing some ADR work for other foreign language movies… but these ones are actually good… so I give you my ADR nominations for the English dubbing… of “Raid: Redemption”!!!

 

Now, because it’s so jam packed with action, there’s not a whole lot of dialogue required to dub… I feel like Rama, the protagonist supercop could be voiced by… Eminem. Hear me out! Why Eminem? Because you can understand what he says… regardless of what Sly, Arnie, JCVD & others might say that’s pretty f**king important. Plus, he has a more miniscule, almost childish voice that he can use to give some empathy towards the hero. One thing from “Volcano High” that irritated me was Andre 3000 voicing the main guy who’s supposed to be kinda nerdy… Andre 3000 sounds cool as f**k all damn day… every day. Plus… you get a lot of raging Eminem “Ha-YA!!!”s once the fights start… you’re welcome!

 

I also like the idea of the injured officer Bowo being voiced by the great R. Kelly. Why? Why the hell not? That velvety voice would sing-song it’s way through his moans of pain... and I just like the idea.

 

Now for the crime lord Tama Riyadi... you'd think that I'd go with some boss like mutha f**k like Jay-Z... and that's an interesting pick... and I'd watch that movie... probably twice. We're talking about the "final boss" in this basically video game movie... and to have Jigga yelling out orders & runnin' sh*t from the top floor would be nice... but I'm casting Jay-Z's voice (if he has time) as the police commissioner barking out orders or something. Instead, I'm giving Tama's role to...

 

DMX!!! That rough, gravely, crazy voice with emphasis EVERYWHERE... you know it's the right decision. This show would be epic... how is this not already done? DMX should be in everything.

 

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight... busy little weekend coming up with Izzy's graduation & her family in town. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Support our troops!!!

Top Five & Other Random Movies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

I’ve watched a few movies this past week-plus, so I thought that I’d catch you up on them:

 

First off was “The Elephant Man” starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Hurt & directed by the eccentric genius David Lynch (“Eraserhead”, “Twin Peaks”, etc). The movie is about the AMAZING TRUE STORY of a man whose body was SERIOUSLY disfigured and how one doctor took him from a sideshow attraction to somewhat prominence in turn-of-the-century London. I know… it sounds like some kind of “Blind Side” movie where rich whitey takes a poor, unfortunate soul and turns them into an NFL Player… but it’s not that at all. The movie is in black & white, which basically seems like the right choice for this movie in general to make it kind of a classic story… but also, the makeup for the Elephant Man may have been completely distracting. That being said… the story is great… and the makeup is so good that it led to the creation of an Academy Award for makeup the following year, because they academy thought work like this should be recognized. There are a few moments in the movie that are… well, Lynch-esque… like the opening few seconds… I’m pretty sure that a woman is being raped by an elephant, not “trampled” as was told later in the movie. So I highly recommend that you check this movie out… great performances all around (except for a few cockney extras) and just a great lesson in movie making & revealing surprise twists. I enjoyed it immensely.

   

Next up was the Academy’s Best Picture of 1973, “The Sting” starring Robert Redford, Paul Newman & Robert Shaw. Set in Depression-era Chicago, this movie is about a young con man (Redford) whose partner is killed by a criminal banker mastermind (Shaw) and he seeks REVENGE!!! However, he can’t just walk up & off the guy… then expect to live… so he asks for the help of a master confidence man (Newman) to get REVENGE… and maybe rich at the same time. I had never seen this movie growing up… but had heard good things… and it certainly didn’t disappoint. I’m not going to reveal any more than the premise really… but if you’re a fan of movies like the “Ocean’s 11” trilogy or intricate little spy thrillers and stuff of that guild, then you’ve probably already seen this movie… but if somehow you haven’t, then absolutely check this out! You’ll actually see a LOT of things that’re pretty standard now over forty years later… but yeah, it’s still semi-fresh & worst-case scenario… ladies, you get to look at Redford & Newman for over two hours… gentlemen, you get to see wit & VENGEANCE!!! It’s just a fun little romp with various twists and turns along the way… so check it out! Classic!

 

Sunday night, we watched one of the most talked about horror movies of the past year called “The Babadook” starring Essie Davis and written-directed by Jennifer Kent (don’t worry, you haven’t seen anything else they’ve done unless you’re in Australia I think). The movie is about a single mother (Davis) who husband died in a horrific car crash while she was pregnant… and now she’s raising a seven-year old son… but the son is acting… let’s face it, he’s acting f**king nuts. He may have a learning disability… but kudos to the child actor playing him… because he really got under my f**king nerves. Anyway, one day she’s putting her son to bed when he pulls a children’s book from off the shelf… but it’s a book they’ve never seen before… called “The Babadook” and… it’s easily one of the creepiest things you’ll ever read… so of course, the son LOVES IT!!! As the days go by, the son gets more & more disturbed and talks about Babadook being in the room & freaking out… and basically there’s a demonic presence that makes itself known… and now the mother starts losing it with sleep deprivation and… demonic possession? The story goes from there and again, I’m not going to ruin it. What I REALLY like about this movie… is that it’s basically, in my opinion, a perspective piece on mental illness and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Who do I come to that? Well, the story centers around two people, the mother & the son. Everybody is really only in the story as ancillary characters to be like “You sound f**king insane! You know that, right?” or “Your son is out of control!” and stuff like that. However, nobody really sees this Babadook… or even this book… except those two. The mother having an incredibly difficult time since her husband gruesome death right in front of her eyes & feeling somewhat responsible for it… and then a young, impressionable child raised by that same person, so no real frame of reference for what’s considered sane. So is there really a demonic presence in the house? Or is it just her mental breakdown finally coming to fruition? It keeps it kind of hazy… much like “Oculus” that came out the year before… but yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out.

 

Last up this entry is “Top Five” starring Chris Rock (writer-director-star), Rosario Dawson, JB Smoove and a HOST of great cameos including Gabrielle Union, Cedric the Entertainer, Anders Holm, Tracy Morgan and a bunch of others that I don’t want to spoil… but are definitely fun. The plot is about a famous comedian movie star (basically Chris Rock playing a version of himself) who has decided that he wants to do a serious movie… about the Haitian slave revolution called “Uprize” which… just sounds horrible, even as a parody. He has a reality-TV star fiancée (Union) and is out promoting his new movie venture… when he meets up with a young female reporter with the NY Post (Dawson) and they basically spend the day together talking about his motivations for things during his career. It’s actually a pretty well done little flick in that respect… there are moments of great conflict involved in his decisions, weakness of character, strength in overcoming adversities, all that kind of stuff… except there was one part that REALLY didn’t need to be part of it (you’ll know it when you see it, trust me) but overall, I’d highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s poignant for perspective on the life of comedians & actors… and yeah, there are a few things thrown in like the love interest angles, odd character conflicts, stuff like that… but hey, that’s what you need for a movie to work, not just a documentary or set piece or something. It’s a pretty good little flick… but yeah, you’ll know what part I’m talking about. Guaranteed. Oh… and whole top five thing is a running thing where characters in the movie (mostly his family) talk about their Top Five all-time rappers… and it’s all over the place with everyone from Rakim to LL Cool J to Biggie to Nas and so on… but yeah, that’s why it’s the movie’s title. On that note…

 

My Top Five… since you asked:

 

1.       Jay-Z – He’s been slipping a little bit the past few years… but he’s a Business, MAAAN!!! He has children with Beyonce. Game won!

2.       Eminem – Yes, there are definitely songs (and some albums) that you could absolutely pass on… but when he’s on, he’s on.

3.       Notorious B.I.G. – Too soon… too soon…

4.       Tupac Shakur – Too soon… too soon… almost feel like if he’s made it to his forties, his mindset would be better suited for it. He could share hosting duties for Award Shows with LL Cool J. You know… so LL could take a weekend off or something.

5.       DMX – Yes… DMX is in my Top 5… “WHAT???” I loved DMX… and the market did too for his first five albums, all debuting at #1 in the 90’s & early 00’s. He was also a large-budget movie star in “Belly”, “Cradle 2 Da Grave”, “Exit Wounds”, “Never Die Alone” and others… but unfortunately, crack cocaine is a helluva drug… and he’s made some serious mistakes in his life. OH GOD, have you SEEN VH1’s “Couples Therapy” Season 1? Greatest f**king reality TV EVER!!! I've mentioned this before. Anyway, I hope that he can get his sh*t together… because when he was on, he was on. Rough, raw, real… and rumbly… grrrrrrrrrr… (insert dog barks)

 

My 6^th man is Ma$e… f**k you, it’s my list! “Harlem World” was ahead of its time. I’m a product of 90’s and early 00’s rap… that’s the era that made me. Yes, I love what little I’ve heard from KRS-One, Slick Rick & all those guys from the 80’s… but it’s not what I was raised on. Anything made after 2005, I think is basically horsesh*t with a few exceptions like Macklemore and a few other singles out there. Lyric for lyric, line for line, yeah… those are my Top Five… deal with it. I know… you don’t care… I’m just being semi-confrontational to show my resolve in this matter. Busta Rhymes almost made it on the list… and WU TANG CLAN as a group would absolutely be on there… but mostly due to the large bulk of both artists and a great disparity between their great licks & horrible rhyming nonsense… they didn’t make it.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today… Tomorrow is Steve-toberfest!!! An epic celebration of my birth some 34 years ago!!! Tell all your friends & bring a boot to drink from!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Jay-Z & Beyonce: On the Run Tour

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Monday night, I watched a movie that I had been anticipating for almost a year now called “Protector 2” starring Thai martial arts movie icon Tony Jaa… and the RZA from Wu Tang Clan (and has found a nice niche for him in kung fu movie roles the past few years). As you may recall, I hold the original Protector (2005) as elite level prestige when it comes to my beloved genre of martial arts movies, mostly due to the almost inhuman abilities of Tony Jaa… and some of the great choreography involved in filming the fight scenes by director Prachya Pinkaew including the almost legendary seven-minute continuous shot action sequence from the original. Well, because it was so awesome, they had to do a sequel… but due to the star Tony Jaa going off to be a monk for a few years, it took about 8 years to happen. Okay, the story of the original is a Thai man named Kham (Jaa) raises elephants in the country… and masters Muay Thai… some bad guys kill a father elephant & run off with the baby elephant to Sydney… and then VENGEANCE!!! Spoiler alert: He gets the baby elephant back. In the sequel, the baby is now a teenage elephant… some bad guys offer to buy him, “He’s not for sale!”, “You’ll be sorry…”, “We shall see. Hey retarded villager, could you watch my home & elephant for a few minutes while I go to town to pick up some coconuts?”, “Sure thing”, spoiler alert: The elephant gets stolen again… but at least they kept it in Thailand this time around. Oh, there’s something about a peace treaty between East & West Katana (fake countries?) and an underground fighting ring ran by a guy named LC (The RZA) though it’s never really shown how money is made or anything like in “Man of Tai Chi” but that’d be plot development& there’s no need for that really. As a wise action filmmaker once said, “Plot is the sound that poop makes when it hits the sidewalk.” To exact his VENGEANCE and save his beloved elephant, he tries to track down the thieves… but instead gets framed for the murder of one of the lower-level baddies, incidentally meets up with his buddy Mark from the first movie (now working with Interpol) and basically has to fight his way through a bunch of seemingly random groups of people until… honestly, the bad guy holding him just kinda holds the elephant hostage & makes him do jobs for him. There’s your plot. You’re watching this movie for the action though. If you’re doing it for anything else, you’re related to a cast member.

 

Now… for the action sequences, they were pretty good… but there was a LOT more CGI in this one… and fairly obvious too. Where the original had a lot of real but obviously staged scenarios, this one had… well, there was a scene where a bunch of guys on motorcycles are after Kham… and for every decent real life stuntman, there’s a poorly animated sequence. There’s another scene were the walls of a small area are COMPLETELY ON FIRE from burning oil or something… so instead of getting out of there, the fighters jump off the wall so their shoes start on FIRE & start fighting… again, pretty ridiculously animated fire too… and I won’t even get into the fact there’d be smoke inhalation and BOILING SKIN in that situation. Yet another scene has… I can’t even believe I’m about to type this out… the two main badasses Kham and a henchman named “Number Two” stand on an electrified train rail to fight… and when they punch, not only are there sparks from their hands like Thor… but the sounds are EXACTLY those of lightsabres from Star Wars. Ugh… anyway, with all of that being said, it’s not a horrible martial arts movie. Some of the sequences are pretty cool… some are rather dull & pointless… some are laughably stupid. If you’re a fan of the genre, check it out. If not, watch the original or something. I only kinda enjoyed it… and I’m almost glad that they didn’t have it in theatres in the Bay Area as I would’ve felt like I wasted $30. Sorry Tony! Glad to see you’re out of retirement though! Now get with the director of “Expendables 4” and a great translator! What’s that? YOU JUST SIGNED ON FOR THE JCVD CLASSIC “KICKBOXER” REBOOT??? Oh… you’re not the most malicious badass villain in all of fight movie history Po… that’ll be played by Dave Bautista… but I’m still insanely intrigued… sigh… and for you joining the “Fast & Furious” franchise in a few months… and apparently “Raid 3” which just sounds f**king EPIC!!!

  

Tuesday night was director Oliver Stone’s latest film “Savages” starring Taylor Kitsch, Aaron Johnson, Blake Lively, Benecio Del Toro, Salma Hayek & John Travolta (briefly). The story is about a couple of Laguna Beach pot growers (Kitsch as a former solider turned enforcer & Johnson as a hippie botanist with a heart of Maui Gold) who do pretty damn well for themselves… and so then a Mexican drug cartel wants in… they want to remain independent… and they kidnap THEIR girlfriend (Lively). With the help of a pocketed DEA agent (Travolta), they try to get her back… but does it mean doing exactly as the cartel says… or taking action. It’s been a while since Oliver Stone has had a decent movie. Some may say that he never really has… but they’d be wrong. “Platoon”, “JFK”, “Natural Born Killers”, “Any Given Sunday”, even “The Doors” were all really decent films even if a little preachy and conspiracy theory at times… but those were all back in the 90’s. This movie though… was actually pretty damn good in my opinion. I mean… aside from a few essential plot holes & points for suspension of disbelief in order to go along with the story… you get the feeling of a rough, edgy, kinda creepy, morally conflicted, dangerous tale of doing dirty things with the best intentions to start. I actually enjoyed this film. If you’re a fan of these shoot-em-up, drug cartel kind of movies… then by all means, watch this one too.

 

Now, the major plot device of this movie was kind of the major problem I had with the movie from the start… the shared girlfriend by these two guys.  I mean… Blake Lively is hot… and though there’s really no evidence of it in the movie, I’m sure her character is the epitome of female perfection in the sack while at the same time just being a pretty typical SoCal blonde with no real direction or skills that these two guys tag team on but… it’s just really weird... and it REALLY didn't help that she was the narrator throughout the film. Maybe I’m not a Millennial and this is a new thing… but I wasn’t exactly along for the ride with the whole Butch & Sundance thing either (directly referenced in this movie by the way). Don’t get it twisted, I’m all about the “They stole my family/girlfriend/master/dog so now I must get them back” VENGEANCE angle… but just the whole, “Hey bro… the Mexican drug cartel just kidnapped our lady… ugh… O? Was that her name? We should go get her…” “Ugh… actually bro… I think I’m just kinda bisexual and ugh… I was really in this thing for you.” “What? Me too! Let’s run off to Indonesia together! We can pick up a few SoCal blondes on the way if you want… or just find some new side trim while there… or just cut out the middle man & bang each other!” “OKAY!” Spoiler alert: That didn’t exactly happen… but that was kind of what I was expecting. The main female character O isn’t really developed at all… other than she’s essentially a slutty pothead. Her backstory is… well, eh… her moral compass is spinning all over the place… I just, couldn’t really get behind whatever it was they were trying to set up with that. However, once I basically broke it down myself to “They were trying to get out of the game but got pulled back in, when they stole the woman they loved, now shit’s getting real…” and just went from there, it was okay. I feel like they were… maybe trying to add some kind of new wave Shakespearean element… and it just didn’t work for me. Aside from that though, Benecio Del Toro is menacing as always… everybody else does a decent job… I assume Travolta got paid handsomely for 3-4 days of shooting… welcome back to decent films, Mr. Stone!!!

 

Wednesday night was the long awaited concert event of the DECADE (maybe?) when hip hop’s first family Jay-Z & Beyonce filled up AT&T Park for two shows with their “On the Run Tour” and… everything about this event was EPIC!!! Of course, AT&T Park is a venue of 40,000 plus screaming fans (though I think with the layout of the show, probably about 30-35k spectators). The show… high volume… like probably rattling the neighbors windows. The performance… AMAZING!!! Now… Beyonce is a f**king force. I may not be the world’s biggest fan of her or anything… but she can sing, dance, do ALL that sh*t… for 2.5 solid hours… and still look like a billion with a B. Game recognize Game… and she can shut it down by herself. Now through in her husband, the legendary S-dot-Carter, best rapper alive (and probably dead too), CEO of the ROC, HOV!!! And you’ve got TWO FORCES hitting the stage at the same time!!! Because there are so many hits between the two of their careers, most of the concert was like a medley of their hits… interjected with these whole Bonnie & Clyde video segments directed by Melina Matsoukas… but yeah, pure energy for 150 minutes… one of the best concerts of my LIFE!!! Here are some photos…

 

Sidenote: I did feel a little bad because… well, there  was a maybe five-foot Latino woman in the seat behind me… so yeah, she didn’t get the same view that I did… and I tried to be nice when the people in front of me weren’t there or standing up so that she could see… but needless to say, that was like 2% of the show… the rest of the time instead of seeing Beyonce’s gyrating booty, she had to watch mine… sucks for her… but I got over that real quick… I mean… the alternative was me sitting in my seat & not seeing the show so that her short ass could see… everything else in the world is built for you missy… enjoy it… but I done paid for my seat. HOV!!!

 

Anyway, that’s about all I’ve got for the past few days… more fun stuff coming up this weekend. Have a great day everybody!!! IT’S THE ROC!!!

Divine Abortion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Utah is just moments away so I’m excited for that… and I’m now officially certified to operate ATVs & other recreational vehicles in the state of Oregon… so I’m ready to go for my NEXT next trip. Despite marital strife currently separating the Wingmans, I’ll still be spending a wonderful time with Dizzy, Chick’n’Wing & her family eating crab all f**king day in the beauty of the Columbia River. It’s gonna be EPIC!!!

 

So Jay-Z released his new album entitled “Magna Carte Holy Grail” this week, so of course, I purchased it sight unseen (or rather unheard) because the man is basically one of my idols & doesn’t really steer me wrong in the music department. He’s even the subject of my first (and so far only) Music List with the same criterion as my Movie Lists (medals, suggestions, flush it, etc) a few years back. When his worst album to date is “Kingdom Come” and it’s still better than 90% of the stuff out there (maybe more) then I’m okay with purchasing for $12 opening week for what’s typically about 50-60 minutes of music (this one was just under an hour I think). I’ve given the album a few listens through… because I hate to jump to conclusions… and a great album will grow with time… but so far, it’s not among my favorites. Just saying… I’ll let you know if it grows on me but… we’ll see. Still the greatest though!

 

Last night I watched “Broken City” starring Russell Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Marky Mark Wahlberg… and directed by Allen Hughes of the Hughes Brothers. Surprisingly, it was actually kind of a new age spin on the film noir like “Chinatown” that I saw last week… but set in New York City & a little flashier and faster paced than normal. Anyway, the storyline is similar… there’s a cop (Marky Mark) who was involved in a questionable shooting so he was fired & became a private investigator. Well, his old buddy the mayor (Crowe) asks him to tail his wife (Jones) to find out who she’s having an affair with, conveniently right around election time. Well, he tails hers… and finds out that she’s been hooking up with his rival’s campaign manager… or is it something far more sinister? The campaign manager shows up dead, Marky Mark is implicated, more bodies show up, his girlfriend stars in a tasteful snuff film, he’s back on the wagon, things are spinning out of control… but he has to clear his name somehow. That’s all I’m going to tell you on the plot… but it was pretty good. There are a few things that were a bit of a stretch… and even a few awkward moments that seemed out of place… that also oddly enough, I remember were all in the previews that I saw on TV for the movie… so not sure what that’s all about… but it was decent. Not great, not horrible… kind of what you expected. I enjoyed it. Here’s some news…

 

Divine Abortion Attempt? - A couple and their newborn are miraculously recovering after being hit by lightning last week. Albuquerque residents Ian Gordon and his pregnant girlfriend, Kendra Villanueva, had been watching the fireworks and began to head inside as a lightning storm started to move in on July 4^th. Unfortunately, they couldn’t escape the strike. They were hit under a tree in front of Gordon's mother's house. "I had turned and started walking," Gordon told Action 7 News. "And next thing I remember, I woke up on the ground. My car alarm was blaring and I was dazed. I didn't know what happened." Gordon suffered a ruptured ear drum where the lightning either entered or left his body. Villanueva had a bleeding finger where the electricity had left her body. She worried about her unborn child. "I woke up and I didn't think she was going to make it for sure,” Villanueva said. Luckily, first responders in the area were minutes away and got to the couple quickly. Villanueva had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency C-section. Her baby was born and although doctors aren’t sure yet, they think Kimberly Samantha Rose Gordon will be fine… except that she has too many names already… and she has definitely earned her nickname. "Last name's Gordon… so little Flash Gordon,” Gordon told station KRQE. FLASH! AAAAAAAH!!! The couple got to thank the emergency workers who saved their lives and ensured the safe delivery of the baby. The team received the "hero's coin," presented by the Albuquerque Fire Department. To avoid strikes during lightning season, April to November in most areas, follow simple precautions. Start by checking the weather. If a lightning storm is coming, stay indoors if possible. If outside, stay away from trees, or higher ground, and if you're in the water, get the f**k out! If your hair stands on end, lightning is about to strike — FEMA advises you to make yourself as small as possible by squatting low to the ground with your hands over your ears and your head between your knees… apparently like you’re fully prepared to be violated by Zeus’ rod… of lightning of course. Congratulations Gordons! You all survived essentially unscathed… but if there’s anything that I’ve learned from scary movies… Death will continue to hunt you down… at least until it’s no longer profitable. Be safe out there!

 


 

Cell Phone Shocker – In other shocking news, Apple Inc is investigating an accident in which a Chinese woman was killed by an electric shock when answering a call on her iPhone 5… while it was charging, the U.S. technology company said on Monday. Last Thursday, Ma Ailun, a 23-year-old woman from China's western Xinjiang region and a flight attendant with China Southern Airlines, was electrocuted when she took a call on the charging mobile telephone, the official Xinhua news agency quoted police as saying on Sunday. "We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family. We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter," Apple said in an e-mail. Apple declined to comment on details… such as whether this was an isolated case (insert dramatic music). Ma's sister tweeted on Sina's microblog saying that Ma collapsed and died after using her charging iPhone 5 and urged users to be careful, a message that went viral on the site. In April, Apple apologized to Chinese consumers and altered iPhone warranty policies in its second-biggest market after its after-sales service suffered more than two weeks of condemnation by the state-run media. I know it’s not a huge surprise if you actually think about it… but cell phones are killing people. It’s no longer brain tumors (THAT’S why I text so much) that take years to develop… now it’s straight to electrocution. Sure, maybe it was an isolated incident in which her hand grazed a frayed wire on the charger cord, while she was wearing her favorite sequin jumpsuit & giant superconductive earrings, standing in a tub of water & somehow it was just the direct charge from the outlet racing through her body that killed her… but still, be careful out there. The last thing we want to hear about is more machines turning on their creators. My God! First cell phones, then sexbots… then wood chippers! We wouldn’t stand a chance! That is… unless they see snakes as more of a threat… then perhaps that epic battle (totally thinking about “Pacific Rim” right now) could help to eliminate our top two threats… and by then we could probably form an alliance with Zeus to eradicate the surviving droids & serpents. ALL HAIL ZEUS!!!

 

Alternative to the Zeus Alliance – Or there’s this other method… Imagine this: There's no need to throw out your old cellphone… because it will self-destruct. Yes, I love Mission: Impossible too… but that's the idea behind a project at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (French for “malt liquor”), where researchers are investigating how to build electronics that vanish in water. (Spoiler alert: They all kinda do already… but just stop working… but please continue) John Rogers is a professor of Materials Science and Engineering at the university. Rogers says the goal of the "born to die" program is to design transient technology that can dissolve at the end of its useful life, thus saving space in landfills and reducing waste. By which I assume he means a predetermined useful life (6-12 months?) and somewhere around halfway through that life, half the parts already disintegrated… but that’s okay… because if one or two parts disintegrate it already stopped working long ago… like two weeks after you started it & before you loaded all your contacts. Anyway, that’s my own little angle, back to the story. The research team isn't there yet (GASP!!!). But it has designed a chip built on a thin film of silk that dissolves when hit with water. Well heck, they’re already half way there to making a completely self destructing cell phone… which will certainly revolutionize the world… if not just the drug dealing industry with these supremely disposable phones. Also, next time that it rains… yeah… I don’t think they really thought this one out too well… but best of luck to you Professor Rogers. Fun Fact: As I was typing this up... my girlfriend was telling about how her new laptop fried within four months of existence. F**k your ideas, sir! Instead try making something that works... FOREVER!!!

 

Superman Update – Okay… it’s not really a Superman update… but still. Thailand's premier university has apologized for displaying a billboard that showed Adolf Hitler alongside Superman and other superheroes, saying Monday it was painted by ignorant students who didn't realize Hitler's image would offend anyone (really?). The huge billboard was placed outside the art faculty of Chulalongkorn University as part of a tribute to this year's graduating class. It said "Congratulations" in bold white letters and showed Hitler with his arm raised in a Nazi salute next to Batman, Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Iron Man… who they apparently believe instead of forming the Avengers & Justice League joined Hitler in the Legion of Doom.  "(We) would like to formally express our sincere apology for our students' 'Superhero' mural," art school dean Suppakorn Disatapundhu said in a statement issued Monday. "I can assure you we are taking this matter very seriously." The billboard was up for two days before being removed Saturday in response to criticism. Online photographs showed graduating students in their robes, mimicking Hitler's raised arm salute. Suppakorn said that freshman art students had painted the banner as part of a traditional send-off from incoming students to the graduating class, and it was one of dozens of banners and billboards across the campus during the university's commencement period. The artistic vision behind the picture was to show that good and bad people co-exist in the world, Suppakorn said after summoning the students for an explanation. "They told me the concept was to paint a picture of superheroes who protect the world. Hitler was supposed to serve as a conceptual paradox to the superheroes," he said, noting that the superheroes were painted in vivid colors, while Hitler's image was in grey scale. "This kind of thoughtless display will not happen again." No sh*t! The Simon Wiesenthal Center, an international Jewish human rights group, had criticized the banner prior to its removal. "Hitler as a superhero? Is he an appropriate role model for Thailand's younger generation — a genocidal hate monger who mass murdered Jews and Gypsies and who considered people of color as racially inferior," Rabbi Abraham Cooper, associate dean at the center, said in a statement Friday. "The Simon Wiesenthal Center is outraged and disgusted by this public display at Thailand's leading school of higher education." The study of history in the Thai school system revolves primarily around the history of Thailand and its long line of kings. World history is glossed over, with little or no mention of the Holocaust. Now… before you start criticizing that aspect of their world history lessons, keep in mind, you didn’t even know that Thailand had kings until you just read that last sentence… unless you’re into Tony Jaa movies (PLEASE COME BACK!!!). Yes, it’s atrociously stupid… and basically the equivalent of Harvard presenting a special art exhibition with an entry entitled “King Anand Raping an Elephant on a Mound of Cocaine while its Offspring Watches” briefly… but still, how were we supposed to know? Good job, Thailand! Next time… keep in mind, that the still-bleeding head & spinal cord of Hitler being held by Superman ala Mortal Kombat fatality giving a smile & a thumbs up… probably wouldn’t have even been mentioned. By the way, both the “King Anand…” & “Flawless Victory” depicted above are patent pending. Sorry would-be billionaires off my ideas…

 

Anyway, that’ll end it for today I think… have a great weekend everybody & I’ll catch up with you after my Utah adventure!!!

Football 1001

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well... I'm live blogging from the Red Zone Channel... sort of. I'm about an hour & a half late because I was a good roommate and let Batgirl catch up on "Fringe" DVR recordings, but it was okay... so here we are... about to the two minute warnings for the 6 early games... but hey, some quick impressions from what I've seen so far.

11:20 AM - Eagles are sucking... Vick can't hold on to the ball, but it's still a game; THE BROWNS HAD A BIG LEAD AGAINST THE GIANTS, then immediately returned to being the Browns; Adam Kerrigan had a nice pick-six on Matt Ryan for the Washington Racists (er, Redskins); I've heard "Jumbo package" a few times in a few minutes... and it makes me laugh.

11:22 - Falcons tight end / future Hall of Fame statue Tony Gonzalez is ageless & amazing... just had a nice catch. Gotta give credit where credit is due...

11:23 - Just got a text from C-Real... apparently the Learning Channel (who brought us My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, Toddlers & Tiaras, Honey Boo Boo Child, 19 Kids & Counting, Sister Wives, etc) has apparently started a show called Hip Hop Exes... starring 50's ex, DMX's ex (DMXX?) and a few others... so my love for all things DMX is apparently well known at TLC. We've also decided that the theme music will obviously be "Have a Baby By Me, Baby... Be a Millionairre" by 50 Cent if they can get the royalties. It only makes sense.

11:27 - Last night, Dizzy & I made bleu bacon barbecue boar burgers on pretzel rolls... and I just love the alliteration... and they were delicious. Yes, bleu cheese, bacon, barbecue sauce, and wild pig meat on a pretzel rolls. Beer batter it next to take it from the 5B burger to 7B burger.

11:29 - Oh thank God, Pittsburgh WR Jerricho Cotchery tripped on his way to the end zone because there's no way the Eagles D would've stopped him. I think they were already heading for the sideline when they did it. Let's check the replay on that one.

11:30 - Speaking of silly names like Jerricho, last night watching college football with the ladies, we mocked many a ridiculous name... and shocker, not all of them were African-American (just the vast majority). Barkevious, Captain, Sirgregory, D'Brickashaw, Jermichael, De'Anthony, Ovinton J'Anthony, etc. I've documented these over the years... but we googled a few for a list of some of the best... and did you know there was a college player who's Christian name... was Kokain Mothership? Parents should get their naming right revoked for sh*t like that. Seriously. I don't care if George Clinton is your father, that ain't right.

11:32 - Also, I'm be mentioning more funny names as the day goes on & they're mentioned...

11:34 - Googled the new TLC show and it gets even worse... it's called "Starter Wives", yes... that's right, "Starter Wives" and will star Tashera Simmons (DMXX, former wife of the great Earl Simmons) and the wives/girlfriends who helped broke ass 50 Cent (his exes' name is Shaniqua, that's not racist if it's true), Lamar Odom (high school girlfriend? He's been paid since he was 19), Floyd Mayweather & Funkmaster Flex (real name Aston Taylor... yes, Ass-Ton, Taylor). There's also a former mob wife & the ex of some guy named "Maino" I've never heard of... but yeah, they all can't be winners like DMXX & Shaniqua. Coming this Spring...

11:39 - Lexus brings you the RZC Halftime show. NFL stepping their game up? Take that, Toyota!

11:40 - Best of luck to Indianapolis coach Chuck Pagano & his family as he battle Leukemia...

11:41 - VICK FUMBLED AT THE ONE??? THEN AGAIN??? AND THEY'RE STILL WITHIN 10 POINTS??? This has all the making of yet another one-point win this year. The Eagles may end up with a 14-2 record yet get outscored by 30 for the season...

11:43 - KANSAS CITY MAY GET THE LEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR!!! Baltimore fumbled the opening kickoff of the half... and it's tied. Queue Matt Cassel f**k up... or are they just gonna hand it off three times and play it safe?

11:45 - Ooooh... that was close. Luckily pass interference saved a questionable throw by Matt Cassel. Why don't cornerbacks seem to play D well?

11:46 - HOLY SH*T!!! HE FUMBLED THE BALL!!! HOLY SH*T!!! ARE THEY GONNA BRING IN BRADY QUINN? HAHAHAHA!!! I'm kinda glad my dad's working so he doesn't have to witness his team sucking this bad...

11:47 - By the way, Matt Cassel is probably one of the luckiest guys you could ever hope to be. He backed up Heisman winners at USC (Carson Palmer & Matt Leinart, both currently with the Raiders) so basically didn't play in college... but he was drafted in the 7th round while the Heisman trophy winner that year (Jason White of Oklahoma) was NOT. He was drafted by the Patriots to backup Tom Brady... and the only reason he got to play ever... is because the Chiefs linebacker took out Brady's knee the first week. So instead of going undefeated because of their system with Brady at quarterback, they went 11-5 with somebody who hadn't started since high school about 7 years earlier... pretty sure that I could've done a similar record with their system (and my throw has been described as Tebow-esque). Anyway, based on that year, Kansas City mortgaged their future on him & have been paying for it ever since... but hey, that's football.

11:52 - While Giants coach Tom Coughlin has the game of football explained to him, let me tell you about Mangria!!! Basically, it's something that Dizzy told me... and yes, Adam Carolla apparently invented it, but it's a mix of 3 parts red wine, one part vodka & one part juice (I used cran-raspberry because it's what I have). The concoction tastes like smooth red wine... but is about 20-25% booze... and we had it last night to wash down the boar burgers... and I highly recommend it. Very warm feeling afterwards. It may make an appearance at the next Bacon Day.

11:55 - By the way, Ron Swanson & Don Draper for the Presidency in 2016? Anybody?

11:57 - Pierre Garcon's review: Looked like a completed pass to me, his knee hit the ground, then it was ripped out... but then again, I'm not a referee.

11:58 - Speaking of the refs, have the calls really been that much better? Forget the Monday Night Football thing, cuz I have a conspiracy theory that the replacement ref who f**ked up a coin toss years earlier as a regular ref kinda botched that call so that his buddies could get their jobs back with all of their demands... but all the other "bad calls" that they made, have the "real refs" really done that much better? It's all still judgement calls & that crap so... it's football. Deal with it.

11:59 - RG3 is pretty fast... so was Michael Vick... and West Virgina QB Geno Smith was pretty amazing the past few weeks. The only catch is... all it takes is one major leg injury or killing a few puppies to derail your career. Be careful gentlemen.

12:01 PM - Top two picks of this year's draft in the Red Zone simultanoeusly: RG3 just got popped in the face! OUCH!!! Andrew Luck just missed a few open receivers in the end zone on his left but then again, he was rolling right. Next play touchdown.

12:03 - How does Redskins kicker / former Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff still have a job? Does the mob has his family or something?

12:05 - Fun fact: The Racists' backup quarterback is also a rookie, former Michigan State QB Kirk Cousins who you may remember from the crazy hail mary game last year... but he was pretty decent in college. Since RG3 is trying to remember basic memories, he may get some playing time.

12:06 - TOUCHDOWN EAGLES!!! Shady McCoy...

12:10 - They've shown RG3 get popped like a dozen times at least on three different channels, I think there will be a few dozen more before the day is over.

12:14 - College football was pretty good yesterday... The Georgia vs South Carolina in the "I Can't Believe Michael Vick Got So Much Sh*t When You Have The Fightin' Cocks vs the Bulldogs in a Collegiate Atmosphere / Love the South" Bowl went pretty well, even though the Cocks blew out the Dawgs... which does sound really dirty. LSU / Florida game was good. West Virginia beat Texas in a game where the defenses took the day off apparently... yeah, college football. It's not the pros... but the names of the athletes & mascots are easily mockable.

12:18 - A few more shots of RG3 getting clocked... I hate being right most of the time...

12:20 - After the commentator asked us what we thought of a replay, when a giant scoreboard popped in the way to interfere with the replay, then the 2nd replay from a different angle was cut off... Dizzy & I went on a rant about how that happens on TV shows nowadays, especially on Fox, when an advertisement for another show will jump in the way when you're supposed to read subtitles watching a show you're actually interested in. "F**k Raising Hope coming Sunday night, I'm watching Fringe & you just f**ked up the story... they were able to give away the twist." or "Yes, I know Family Guy is coming up some time... but I'm trying to read subtitles on 24." Super Simple Solution: Move the advertisements (lose completely? Never!), move the subtitles, or best one... hire horrible dubbers from 70s martial arts moves to replace the subtitles.

12:24 - F**k, the Falcons look pretty good the first month of the season. By the way, I've pretty much decided that I'm going to New Orleans in February to see the Super Bowl & Mardi Gras in consecutive weekends. Though my dream Super Bowl would be the Eagles against anybody or the Browns vs Lions (they gotta win something eventually, right?), my gut tells me that it's looking like a Falcons - Texans battle of the South in New Orleans thus far... but then again, we've got 4 months & injuries change EVERYTHING!!!

12:27 - "Trickeration" - Real word? I like to think so... but I make up words all the time.

12:30 - By the way, I love boobs... so I'm all for the pink gloves & accents on all the uniforms for the NFL. I have a pink & green Eagles knit cap to prove it. G's can pull off pink.

12:31 - Eli Manning's first name is Elisha. FACT!!!

12:31 - Kirk Cousins just threw a touchdown in his first drive in relief of RG3... QB controversy in DC? I don't think so...

12:33 - There's new hope in Kansas City... Matt Cassel just got knocked out... I'll be sure to keep you posted. Sorry dad...

12:37 - Can't throw the ball twice on the same play, Brandon Weeden. Sorry... oh and you just got picked on the next play. No Browns in the Super Bowl this year... or ever?

12:36 - Okay, so Critical Mass is this... bicycler activist thing that happens once a month... and last week was the 20th anniversary so they basically had a few thousand bicyclists driving illegally through the already crowded streets of San Francisco... without a permit or anything, because those don't exist, because that would be f**king stupid... during rush hour on a Friday... and here's the real twist, when pedestrians try to maintain order or go about their way, they get ran the f**k over... and if vehicles follow the traffic signals & run over a few dozen douchy entitled bicyclists, they may end up going to jail (though I'm pretty sure that if it went to court I would be protected... or at least convince 12 of my peers that I was in the right, especially they're locals & were in the traffic). Plan for next time... well, that's a secret. I'm probably not going to run over anybody in my Jeep (though if I wasn't stuck behind other vehicles & would've been going down the wrong way of the street so it was technically illegal, I would have) there's a plan in place. Watch your ass, Critical Mass! Nobody loves you... and you're a drain on humanity.

12:44 - DeSean Jackson sighting... apparently he's actually playing this year. Good things should come from this.

12:45 - "Clay Harbor, the big tight end..." - First off, I like the name Clay Harbor... it sounds like a wonderful resort... secondly... why is the saying big tight end so fully to me? Must be my dirty mind... Like J-Lo if she has never broke her be-hyman...

12:47 - Chiefs basically had a fumble return for a touchdown that would've again been their first lead of the season... but it was called back because of a combination of forward progress & God hating Kansas City, Missouri.

12:49 - Uh-oh, Colts are within 2 points of the Packers? Weren't the Packers supposed to be good this year? Again?

12:50 - So... Dizzy needs to draw me... and apparently with my shirt off... if I'm not typing for a while, you'll know why...

12:52 - Ravens / Chiefs game must've been Godawful to watch in person... but luckily it's quick with all of the run plays. Already down to the two minute warning & the Ravens are running out the clock. Yup, the referees f**ked over the Chiefs. Wonder if they want those replacements refs back?

12:55 - I live in the Presidio in San Francisco. It's a beautiful national park in the heart of a great city... and this week is Fleet Week... and the Blue Angels and other aircraft (including stealth bombers) have various air shows going on from 12:30 - 4:00 PM this weekend. We went & saw it yesterday for about an hour and it was pretty cool. The rest of the time of the show... we hear them rushing by... and it's kind of cool. Last year, the windows were shaking & sh*t but not so much this year. Maybe it was the old bombers or something that did that last year. Am I bragging? Maybe a little... but that wasn't my intention. I like where I live...

12:58 - Last two minutes, Eagles have a one point lead... but the Steelers can basically run the clock and kick a field goal to win. Looks like it'll be about 40 yards so... FLY EAGLES!!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!!

12:59 - Kirk Cousins just threw an interception. QB controversy over. Even an injured RG3 may get the start next week. Hopefully he's okay though. Seems like a pretty cool cat.

1:00 - Nevermind, I forgot that the Eagles can't play the run so it'll be more of a kick in the teens yardage wise or they may just unintentionally let them in the end zone.

1:03 - Finally setting up the potentially game winning field goal for the Steelers against the Eagles...

1:04 - BLOCK IT!!! BLOCK IIIIIITTTT!!! F******KKKKKKKKKKK!!! Yeah... it went in... dang, we lost a 2-point game... oh well, at least it wasn't against the Browns...

1:06 - Later games are starting... SO MUCH FOOTBALL!!!

1:07 - Bengals QB "The Red Rifle" Andy Dalton just threw a pick, game over, Dolphins win.

1:09 - Packers LB Clay Matthews has taken over for former Colts QB Curtis Pointer for prettiest hair in the NFL I think... Imagine Fabio with an NFL Hall of Fame lineage...

1:12 - Who decided that neon green should be part of the Seahawks uniforms? Not saying whether I hate it or like it... but I assume it's the same minds that convinced the Oregon Ducks & Maryland Terrapins that they should change their uniforms to something completely different & crazy every week. Distinctive but... not exactly the greatest thing ever. At least they don't have advertisements for "Bob's Burgers" popping up on their shoulder pads or anything...

1:20 - Not nearly as interesting sh*t with the earlier games as two weeks ago with the 3 overtimes & a lot of last minute stuff... and I don't care about Jay Cutler one bit... why am I watching the Bears play the Jaguars so much on the Red Zone Channel? Still kinda surprised the Jags are still in the league...

1:21 - Was just recommended a movie by C-Real called "Carnage" that's a dark comedy starring Jodie Foster, Kate Winslett, John C Reilly & Christophe Waltz. Don't know what it's about... but I'm already sold. Netflix'd it...

1:23 - Traymon Williams... yup, it's funny to me.

1:24 - Reggie Wayne is having a great game... but the broadcaster just said "Gweat cwedit" and made me laugh for about 20 seconds...

1:25 - TOM BRADY VERSUS PEYTON MANNING!!!

1:26 - No touchdown? Well, why don't you go pout about it, Jay Cutler? Punk b**ch... but everytime they're held to a field goal... you get to see Robbie GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOULD kick a field goal. It's just fun to say.

1:27 - Reggie Wayne & Andrew Luck are leading a late charge for the Colts. Luck was just described as "Roethlisberger-esque" because he could avoid getting tackled by an arm... either that or he was able to get away with rape... but I think it was the first one... because luck doesn't need bodyguards covering a nightclub bathroom to get his swerve on... he's a Stanford educated millionairre... and he's just Lucky.

1:29 - 1st & goal with 39 seconds left... but no time outs. Drama established for the rookie quarterback.

1:31 - Broncos receiver made a nice catch, got the ball punched out by the defender while he was thinking about the endzone dance prematurely, Patriots get the fumble, and the received got blindside blocked. Talk about insult to insult.

1:33 - Touchdown Colts on the first play. No more drama. Except... Packers get it back with 35 seconds or so & two timeouts... Not quite over.

1:37 - 49ers TE Vernon Davis is a BEAST!!! 53 yard pickup...

1:38 - Packers on a drive to tie it up with a field goal... 25 seconds to go... catch by Driver? I don't know about that... review? 8 seconds with spike, what to do? One more shot? Ooh... timeout taken just before the snap... now that "HAVE" to kick the field goal.

1:40 - I'm happy for David Akers success here in San Francisco. Was worried when the Eagles cut him then learned about his daughter & that whole story... but he seems to be okay.

1:41 - WIIIIIIDE LEFT!!! COLTS WIN!!! COLTS WIN!!!

1:42 - I like the Jaguars black alternative uniforms more than their teal green ones... but hey, the green is their main color... and black is essentially just awesome.

1:43 - Jags kicker Josh Scooooobee doobee DOOOOOO!!!!

1:45 - "Have a baby by me, baby... be a millionairre..." Damn song is stuck in my head... STARTER WIVES!!!

1:46 - By the way, Dizzy is still drawing me... "Are you gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?" That's right, Titanic references up in this b**ch...

1:48 - Oh... and my work's softball team started up again. It was basically announced last Thursday that it might be happening... then the next day they told us about the first game... on Monday. We won, I went 1-for-4 and drove in a run, no major f**k ups on defense in right center field (it's a softball position apparently). Went for drinks in Portero Hill afterwards. Tuesday is a double header... and apparently most games will be double headers as we play 7 games before Halloween. Yeah... go softball.

1:50 - Deuce break...

1:57 - I'm back... and just thought I'd clarify something. Dizzy may be drawing me... but it's not like I'm naked on a chaise lounge typing up this entry (insert sexy yet awkward charcoal drawing image of this), but I do have my shirt off. She's drawing my apparently manly jawline, neck & shoulders for a class of hers... so yeah, not nearly dirty... but just had a thought that I should clarify that while I was on the John...

1:58 - Broncos WR Demaryius Thomas just caught a nice pass (and I think he's the one that fumbled & got blindsided earlier) and I think he likes playing with Peyton Manning more than Tim Tebow last year.

2:01 - Oooh... it's like the Civil War in this Broncos vs Patriots game with brother versus brother... namely Chris vs Rob Gronkowski. It's no Harbaugh Bowl... but I'll take it.

2:02 - Ugh... a walleyed lens is NOT the friend of sideline reporter Tony Siragusa... sorry Goose... but your only competition for wretchedness is Jigga man in the "Sunshine" video back in the late 90s. I blame Diddy for that one...

2:07 - The coach's challenge flag... is now apparently called "The Magic Red Hankie" by the guy who does the RZC commentary. I like him. He's a bit of a smart ass... and always at possibly inappropriate times... but whatever.

2:09 - Chili mac break... courtesy of Dizzy...

2:16 - Panthers QB Cam Newton is a BEAST!!!

2:17 - Fun fact: Did you know that former Giants DE Michael Strahan has taken over for Regis Philbin on "Live with Kelly Ripa and ____"? So during the week, he's shootin' the sh*t with a former soap opera actress about... whatever the f**k can fill an hour of morning TV. Then on the weekends, he's talking football with Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long & Jimmy Johnson.

2:19 - Vikings rookie safetey Harrison Smith just got ejected for pushing a referee off of him. Really? They didn't really show the replay but... the freeze frame looked like the referee instigated it. Replacement refs? No? "ResPECT my authoritaaah!!!"

2:21 - Ugh... Bears QB Jay Cutler just LOOKS like somebody I would not enjoy being around... and that's without his pissy attitude. He just looks douchy. I wonder if he does Critical Mass...

2:26 - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was just shown in the stands of the Vikings game... and we're guessing the two men around him with graying hair, moustaches & serious looks on their face are his security team. Then I had a thought of Commission Gordon getting replaced with Commissioner Goodell in the Batman universe... and how Batman would have a choice of whether to kill him or have him service jail time for his crimes against humanity... and then thankfully they switched back to the game. See, these are the things that my mind wonders when I'm not properly distracted. God bless TV!!!

2:27 - How many guys with the last name Smith are on the 49ers roster? There's Alex, Aldon, Justin... and I think they just referred to one of the offensive linemen as Smith... Google says just the three though. I was worried. Now if they could just sign both receiver Steve Smiths... and a few others... they could just change the team name to the Smiths!!! Crazy you say? Do you know why they call the Cleveland Browns the Browns? Google that sh*t! WHO'S CRAZY NOW???

2:34 - Danny Woodhead... yup... I like it... but yeah... tehehehe...

2:37 - Ooooh... Colin Kaepernick fumbled for the 49ers. By the way, I've liked Kaepernick since he was the option QB up at Nevada when I was in Tahoe... so I like that they're finally using him starting last week... but yeah, the fumble sucks.

2:38 - Speaking of Tahoe, one of my favorite bosses from when I worked there... is going to be the new big boss at our office here!!! That was announced Friday! I'm hella excited about it... but never thought he would consider it... but maybe he just couldn't deal with the winter either... or it was just a great opportunity for him too. I don't know, I'll be sure to ask him. AWESOME SAUCE!!!

2:40 - Well, it's about halftime on these late games... but Dizzy needs a ride to work... so I'll bid you adieu for now. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings & notes from today in football. See ya next week? We'll see... Have a great weekend everbody!!! Oh... and happy Columbus Day (regardless of how I feel about celebrating him...)