2012 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2012 $tevies

So as you know, about six years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2012. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and once again, I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some more of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host of the prestigious $tevies this year… RoboCop…

“Good evening, citizens. Tonight's prerogative is the dispensing of metallic statutes to winning candidates determined by electoral process. Touch your palms together repeatedly for the first figurehead to distribute said awards, Sterling Archer..."

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “Hello there everyone... yes, it is I, Sterling Archer, the world's greatest secret agent. SUCK IT, BOND!!! I am here to... LINE!!! Oh yeah... I am here to give this thing to... I don't know, somebody this guy got drunk with I think. Envelope please! What? What? WHAT? Oh sh*t, it's up here on the podium? Thank you, snooty Theatre degree holder who's too ugly for the stage... and the winner is... BUBBLES? Seriously, you have a friend named BUBBLES? What the sh*t? Are you a reclusive king of pop without a childhood? That's great, everybody should have a monkey to drink with. IT'S A WOMAN!!! She had better have ginormous breasts for a name like... what's that? Oh she does... very well then. I assume she will now come up here for the award & complimentary chest massage that goes along with this incredible achievement via the world's greatest secret agent. Oh, she's not here? What the hell kind of awards show is this? Are you sponsored by Blockbuster Video or something? Later Gator..."

 

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): "Hello everyone, I'm Joe Montana. Many of you on the internet know me as that guy from the commercials about the shoes with the supporting arches... but I was once the greatest quarterback to ever live. I'm here tonight to give due to a good friend for many many years... Isaiah. Now that his friend $teve is living here in San Francisco, hanging out with me on Sundays as we talk about the good ol' days of football, he often mentions this guy... mostly in phrases like 'My buddy Isaiah would literally sh*t himself if he knew that I was hanging out with Joe Montana' or 'You know who else would like to play with your trophies like action figures, my buddy Isaiah.' It's great... and a great way to show that he misses this guy even when he's here in the Bay Area living the good life. So this one's for you, Isaiah. Catch!" (Bionic Man noise as he button hooks a $tevie from the Bay to Isaiah's couch) "Gratitude, football cyborg. Transition to next award."

 

NEWCOMER AWARD: "Hello everybody, my name is Adriana Lima. As a long time admirer of $teve aka Dr Mookie Love, I is so proud to present dees award for New-cummer of ze year... to Miss Dizzy. Since I have tried to move on from the unstoppable attractive force that is heem, by marrying a man as close as I could to his exact dimensions (Marko Jaric), I know how luckys you is to be wit such a man... and I no heez happy that you be wit heem. Gracias Miss Dizzy... and don't take advantage of heem... for he is the wind... and no woman can contain heem... sigh... he's still the talk of the annual show backstage with all of the other angels... oh no, it is so steamy in here with all of the ladies thinking about heem that RoboCop isn't working right..." "Warning! Warning! Malfunction! Malfunction! New p-p-p-prime directive is to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance FREEZE! Now shake your posterior vigorously! WARNING! KANYE & KARDASHIAN ARE WITHIN THE PERIMETER!!!"

SONG FOR 2012: "WE'RE PREGGERS!!! You all still care, right? Irregardless, we are here to present the award for song of the year... but cuz most new music is all auto-tuned to hell, y'all welcome, and Adele gets all the love in the world, there's no award this year... I just wanted to come up here & show you my baby mama's ace! THE ROC IS IN THE BUILDING!!! On to the next one..."

 

MOVIE FOR 2012: "Okay $teve, I get it... you haven't seen my new movie Django Unchained yet, u'kay u'kay... I get it, movie tickets are ridiculously expensive, you were busy during the holidays, whatever. And this was a year with a lot of competition... I mean you had the Avengers movie, which was like six superhero movies in one... you had the classy picture Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis actin' his ass off... and you even had a bunch of hyped crap like the last Harry Potter, the last Twilight & even other movies dealing with slavery like mine & Lincoln... but instead it was Lincoln hunting f**king vampires who kept slavery going? Really? Come on... even I think that's ridiculous... and you know I've seen just about every movie ever made. The thing that gets me though... is this was supposed to be the year... when you finally matched up my brilliance... against the Batman... head to head... mano e mano... and you gave this award to f**king BATMAN for "Dark Knight Rises" saying that you haven't seen the other one. I specifically held out until the last week of the year so that you would have it fresh in your mind for these awards... and you f**ked me! I demand to know.... right now... head to head... mano y mano... who's it going to be? Me? Or the Bat? Whoa, watch it Tin Man!" "Time limit exceeded! Vacate the stage for the next presenter, the Batman!"

VIDEO GAME FOR 2012: (Christian Bale's Batman voice) "I'm Batman... and this year had some great new video game titles for the PS3 video console... and $teve even had time to play some of them this year. So did he pick MY game, Arkham City? It's a great game... how about Assassin’s Creed III? It's a lot like me... but traveling through time or something, I don't know... the story's a little out there... but you get the idea, they're just kinda trying to rip me off. Still, pretty awesome... because I'm Batman... and everything within three degrees of me is awesome... but the game that $teve probably played the most this year was NCAA Football 2013. That's right, a football game... but this one actually has a lot of versatility & game modes that he really likes more than any recent game that he's purchased... but all are great games... and since Barry Sanders isn't going to come take this award... I'll take it on his beha... wait a minute... where did it go?" Pops up behind Batman, "Ah-ha! It is I, Ezio Auditore! I have stolen the award from under you... Deuces!" (smoke bomb & both disappear)

TV SHOW FOR 2012: "Good evening everyone, great to see you, welcome to the Report... oh wait, sorry, force of habit, I'm Stephen Colbert! (hold for applause) Yes... yes... Yes, I know... I'm happy to see me too... but I am not here for me... I am here, for another me... another fellow great $teve... and to present this award for the greatest TV show of 2012... and though there are great shows out there like Game of Thrones, Archer, Breaking Bad & countless others... this award should be for new shows... or at least newly discovered... so narrowly beating out My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding... we have... VH1's Couples Therapy starring the great, the one... and thankfully the only... tonight's musical guest, Sir Earl Simmons... or perhaps better known as... DMX, WHAT'S MY MUTHA F**KIN NAAAAME!!!"

 "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, WHAT??? COME ON!!!"

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: "Since I'm already up here... he was Waldo again for Halloween... yeah, he totally phoned it in..."

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: "He also likes Jacques dans le Boite... so here's the next presenter... and a good friend of $teve... Mister Adam Carolla"

BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Hey everybody, $teve read my book 'In Fifty Years, We’ll All Be Chicks' from a few years ago... and my new audio book 'Not Taco Bell Material... so that's pretty f**king awesome... I'm not sure what else you guys need to know about the book or anything... but it's basically stories of my life... and a bunch of rants from a bitter old white guy... not entirely unlike this blog... so yeah, if you like this, you might like them... is that good? Do I get my check now? Thanks.”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: "Oh... and since I'm up here... I'll tell you who's a real douchebag... whoever the hell is making everything so f**king expensive nowadays despite being in a recession. Whoever that is needs to get raped by a chainsaw... anyway, that's all I have to say about that... have a great night everybody... back to you, RoboPig!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, prepare for introductions of the guest of honor. Welcome... The $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I would have paid them. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2012 was a biggie. The world didn't blow up... I got laid repeatedly… things were just good all around... and so here are a few of my awards that I'm just going to run through real quick because I know you all have parties to get to this new year...”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: YAY!!! I finally have a legitimate answer for this one!!! Dizzy!!! If you don’t know her… then you don’t read my blog… or hers… but yeah, she’s pretty f**king amazing… and she would have to be for me to continue hanging out with her sooooo… yeah.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: I watched "Cannibal the Musical" and "Orgazmo" with Dizzy... and apparently back then I wasn't looking for anything serious... remember? Well, we're doing it now... but still hanging out... so yeah, that's cool. 

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Just being more open to everything... and basically just doing what I need to do to be happy... that's really about it...

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Sigh… f**king St Patrick’s Day keeps popping up on this one!!! After several liters of fine Czech beer, some a-hole decided to start buying shots… and of course, guys can’t be topped, so then other guys are buying shots, then you time travel to the next morning feeling like sh*t & having to go to work because you’re a G. That was pretty much the worst that I “went IN” this year… but hey, I had a lot of fun before the alcohol took effect, nobody got hurt (except maybe a wallet here & there), and I woke up with a beautiful young lady by my side so… can’t really beat that with a baseball bat. Chu’ch!!!

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I DIDN’T MOVE THIS YEAR!!! (Strikes up the band & drops balloons from the ceiling)

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Christmas I guess... but also winning Employee of the Quarter was pretty awesome... and I had some fun vacation... but yeah, Christmas wins.

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Don't wanna jinx it... but there really haven't been too many low points. Probably when Dizzy & I's trip to Mount Shasta was kinda ruined when her car was stolen & the establishment that was set to prosecute & help her get her car back were lacking to say the least... but all in all, it was still a fun time with her... and nothing horrible happened. Just frustrating more than anything... and if that's the low point, you really can't complain.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2013 as well):

• Date Dammit! – Checkity-check-check!
• Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit… this makes like 5 years in a row…
• Give Up Mountain Dew – I was doing real good... until about May… but still better than I was…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve had the gym membership for a while now & was doing pretty good… until about May… and now I have a quarterly Bacon Day which doesn’t help the diet aspect at all… but yeah, not too bad but can always get better
• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten about me
• Use My Passport – She still needs stamps but plans are in the works…
• Write a Children’s Book – I’m well on my way with making a comic & with being surrounded by artistically talented family & friends, it makes for a great start to my future literary domination! Watch yo ass, Stan Lee!
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’ve really learned to just relax & take things as they come… for example, Employee of the Quarter at work! Proof, pudding, BOOM!!!
• Look for the Next Step – I’m really working on “the Plan” as Bubbles so eloquently put it a while back… and things are moving along nicely.
• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I survived like a f**king CHAMPION!!! Now I just have to wait for the next Y2K to outlast…

 

Thanks for coming out ladies & gentlemen... drive home safely... anything else left to say RoboCop?

 

"END TRANSMISSION!!!"

2010 Halftime Report

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

We've reached the midway point of our 2010 season...but I'm going to hold off on analyzing it until I'm in a better (more focused) mood. Maybe next week. In less than 24 hours, my dad & stepmom will be here…and we’ll probably go check out the Thursday night festival that they have in downtown Truckee every week during the summer. I hear good things. Tonight’s a softball game…so we’ll see how that goes. Friday, they have a celebration down at Kings Beach with music by Blues Monster, so hopefully the folks’ll be interested in that. Saturday, we’ll probably meet up with my stepsister and her family in Carson City during the day…and then at night, there are a lot of possibilities. There’s ska music at the park near my house, a Jimi Hendrix tribute band called Purple Haze at the Crystal Bay Casino, and a big Deck Party in Kings Beach with music as well. Sunday, I’m sure I’ll be dragged to a parade or something…but then Monday & Tuesday, we take a trip out to San Francisco. See, apparently I’m the only one in my family who has been there…so I’ve got to share it with the little nephews that live in Carson & have never seen the ocean, right? Plus, it’s a great excuse to go see the city & my buddy Bubbles. So yeah, if you don’t hear from me for a week or so, now you know why. It should make for an epic week.

Last night, I watched an independent movie called “Cold Souls” starring Paul Giamatti…as himself. Sort of. Basically he plays himself in a production of “Uncle Vanya” which is a depressing Russian play. Because he’s a method actor, it starts to wear on him…and he stumbles upon an article about Soul Storage that promises to eliminate suffering…by taking the weight of your troubled soul. He agrees to do it temporarily so that he can do a great performance without the burden…and then get it back. Simple enough, right? Oh, you’re still stuck on the placing a soul into a storage container? Or what constitutes the Soul? Well, forget about that for a moment. Disbelief. Now, trafficking souls is big business between the United States & Russia…but obviously it’s a little shadier in Russia. Transporting souls is tricky when it comes to pressure, so no flights, but instead they have “mules” who transport them (you know, like heroin). Well, long story short, Paul’s soul gets stolen so that it can be put into the body of a (really hot) Russian soap opera actress who wants to be a big star…and Paul finds out…and has to go get it. Now, there’s a whole lot of metaphor & just general allegory kind of thrown your way during this movie…and it’s a little slow at times (but mostly to show just how distraught Paul is and why he would even consider doing something like this). That being said, I thought it was an okay movie. I think it was supposed to be a comedy…but it really wasn’t. You know how those independent movies can be. Great performances all around…but I kind of give it a “take it or leave it” review. The concept was what interested me. As you know, I’ve been contemplating a LOT of things the past month or so…and one of the things that came up was “Am I losing my Soul?” Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been feeling kinda “in the dumps” for a bit despite being surrounded in all this beauty & wonderful people…so it’s the only explanation, right? Yeah, didn’t think so. Anyway, I like my Soul. I couldn’t imagine giving it up…and I’ve got so much of it. I’m like a white chocolate James Brown most of the time. A ball of energy & positive emotions, always ready for a good time no matter where the time or place. So why do I have these feelings sometimes? I assume because I’m just not surrounded by my peeps like I’m used to…but even that’s starting to change a bit. I’m meeting people…and softball’s a lot of fun…and I may have even found another coworker who seemed interested in being a roommate, albeit he lives by the lake now…and will probably want to move just before the snow comes. Heck, I can’t blame him. I’d do the same thing. Anyway, we’ll see how that goes. Covet your Soul, ladies & gentlemen. You’re lucky to have it. Even if it looks like a chickpea (obscure reference to this movie). Here’s some news…

Little Dictator Update - A lock of hair cut from Napoleon Bonaparte's head after he died has sold for $13,000 at an auction in New Zealand. Extra phone lines were installed for the sale to cope with an expected rush of international buyers seeking to snip up the hair cut from the head of former French Emperor a day after his death in 1821 while he was in exile on the island of St. Helena. The circle of hair was part of a collection brought to New Zealand in 1864 by Denzil Ibbetson, a British commissary officer and artist. Ibbetson served on St. Helena during the six years that Napoleon was held on the island after being defeated at the Battle of Waterloo. The collection of about 40 items, including sketches by Ibbetson of Napoleon on his death bed at the age of 51, was sold by his descendants. "The collection has really been in remarkable condition and the family has to be commended for preserving this material for all this time, it's nearly 200 years old," Hamish Coney, managing director of the Art+Object Auction House, told Reuters Television. "In terms of a historical collection that will be located in New Zealand, it's probably one of the most important collections that has ever been found." According to the auction house the lock was bought by an unnamed collector in London. Coney said as well as local interest in New Zealand, there had been interest from Hong Kong, the United States, Lithuania and France. Thirteen grand for a few strands of 200-year old hair? WOW!!! I guess DNA research or something if…for some reason, you wanted to clone him…but really? Man, I don’t think anybody will ever be able to talk crap on any purchase that I make. “$teve, you paid two grand for a poster of Pootie Tang signed by Lance Crowthers?” “Hey, at least I didn’t pay $13,000 for a lock of Napoleon’s hair.” “But… actually you’ve got a great point there.” Anyway, I’m done talking about short French guys who have complexes named after them. Let’s move on to something better like…

HOT RUSSIAN SPIES!!! - Anna Chapman has been called the femme fatale of a spy case with Cold War-style intrigue — a striking redhead and self-styled entrepreneur who dabbled in real estate and mused on her Facebook page, "if you can dream, you can become it." Chapman's American dream, U.S. authorities say, was a ruse. The 28-year-old Chapman, they say, was a savvy Russian secret agent who worked with a network of other operatives before an FBI undercover agent lured her into an elaborate trap at a coffee shop in lower Manhattan (apparently it wasn’t just a casual flirtatious cup of coffee). Though the U.S. has branded the operatives as living covertly, at least in Chapman's case, she had taken care to brand herself publicly as a striver of the digital age, passionately embracing online social networking by posting information and images of herself for the world to see (hiding in plain sight). Prosecutors have charged Chapman and 10 other suspects with following orders by Russian intelligence to become "Americanized" enough to infiltrate "policymaking circles" and feed information back to Moscow. Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Farbiarz has called evidence against Chapman "devastating." She is "someone who has extraordinary training, who is a sophisticated agent of Russia," he said. Her mother, who lives in western Moscow, said she is convinced of her daughter's innocence. "Of course I believe that she's innocent," Irina Kushchenko told The Associated Press. She refused to comment further. Chapman and nine others accused of being ring members were arrested across the Northeast and charged with failing to register as foreign agents, a crime that is less serious than espionage and carries up to five years in prison. Some also face money laundering charges. An 11th suspect was arrested in Cyprus, accused of passing money to the other 10 over several years. Prosecutors said several of the defendants were Russians living in the U.S. under assumed names and posing as Canadian or American citizens. It was unclear how and where they were recruited, but court papers said the operation went as far back as the 1990s. Exactly what sort of information the agents are alleged to have provided to their Russian handlers and how valuable it may have been was not disclosed. The FBI finally moved in to break up the ring because one of the suspects was going to leave the country, the Department of Justice said Tuesday. Court documents indicate the FBI believed Chapman was about to go to Moscow, but it wasn't clear whether her impending departure was the one that triggered the arrests. The court papers allege that some of the ring's members were husband and wife and that they used invisible ink, coded radio transmissions and encrypted data and employed methods such as swapping bags in passing at a train station. Farbiarz called the arrests "the tip of the iceberg" of a conspiracy by Russia's intelligence service, the SVR, to collect information inside the U.S. The arrests raised fears that Moscow has planted other couples (remember the 50’s when commies were everywhere?). Such deep-cover agents are known as "illegals" in the intelligence world because they take civilian jobs instead of operating inside Russian embassies and military missions. Russian officials initially denounced the arrests as "Cold War-era spy stories" and accused elements of the U.S. government of trying to undermine the improving relationship between Moscow and Washington. But the White House and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin expressed confidence that the arrests would not damage ties between the two nations. So there are REALLY spies walking among us…and of course, they’re HOT!!! By the way, does anybody see this as possibly the GREATEST PROMOTION of a movie about to hit theatres in a while? What am I talking about? WHO IS SALT??? Hmm, superhot Russian operative who has been living among us & infiltrating the hearth of government? Anna Chapman (a.k.a. Anya Kapucikova en lieu of a far more suggestive James Bond-esque name like Xenia Onatop or Octopussy) may as well be played by Angelina Jolie!!! Like I wasn’t going to watch a movie with an armed Angelina in the first place… now it could be based on a true story. Sad thing is…this isn’t the only story of movie promotion taking this route…

They Call Him Machete – September 3rd can’t get here soon enough for Robert Rodriguez’ movie based on a fake preview from another movie “Machete” to hit theatres. Though the preview has been posted on my blog a few times over the years, this story has little to nothing to do with it…or does it? Police said an 81-year-old man was arrested after he chased another man around a taco stand in Salem, Oregon while armed with a machete. Yes, an elderly gentleman wielding a machete. Go ahead and picture it…and then laugh hysterically…until you realize that it could happen in your neighborhood. Salem police said Monday the man accused the taco stand owner of stealing a drill from his nearby business. When the taco stand owner denied it, the suspect left and returned with a machete. Lt. Dave Okada said the suspect chased the unidentified man around the stand several times before officers arrested him on accusations of menacing and attempted assault. He was booked into the Marion County Jail. There were no injuries in Sunday's incident. Also, is menacing an actual crime? I figured it was just more of a way of life or a dirty look or something. More like a…dangerous or evil attitude as opposed to action, which is basically just annoying. In this case, we’re talking about a grandpa off his rocker attacking another man with a machete over a drill. That’s not exactly my definition of Menacing…but I’ll double check with Webster’s. By the way, in my version of this story, the taco stand owner is played by a wise-cracking Cheech Marin and the old guy is played by Charlton Heston. Act like you wouldn’t like it…

I Read of Jeannie - American actress Barbara Eden, famed for her starring role in the hit 1960s TV series "I Dream of Jeannie," is writing a tell-all memoir about her career in Hollywood, The Crown Publishing Group said on Tuesday. The memoir, called "Jeannie out of the Bottle," will be published next year, detailing Eden's on and off-screen life with celebrities including Elvis Presley, Warren Beatty, Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Marilyn Monroe, Lucille Ball and her "Jeannie" co-star Larry Hagman. "Like Jeannie, I've been bottled up long enough -- it's time for me to pop the cork and talk about the amazing people I've been fortunate enough to meet along the way, and the highs and lows of my every day living," Eden said in a statement. The 75 year-old Arizona-born actress gained stardom from the TV show playing the beautiful 2000-year-old female genie who falls in love with an astronaut, played by Hagman. The series aired between 1965 and 1970 and produced 139 episodes and has been widely rerun on cable TV and in syndication throughout the world. Eden has also appeared regularly on stage in musicals and plays as well as films and guest appearances in other television shows. Will there be any insanely detailed orgy adventures complete with black-and-white stills? Probably not. Then again, when you’re talking about Elvis, Clyde, Dirty Harry, Butch Cassidy, Marilyn, Lucy and a guy that she called “Master” for six years, the possibilities are endless.

Harold & Kumar Christmas - Neil Patrick Harris is set to return for "A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas" and comedian Patton Oswalt will join him according to The Wrap. Harris himself confirmed to Hollywood.com that he will re-team with Kal Penn and John Cho for the third feature in the comedy series, despite meeting his apparent demise in 2008's "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo" (I’m thinking in some kind of Obe Wan using the Force kind of appearance). Oswalt meanwhile is expected to play Todd Dennison, a high-strung friend of Harold's whose infant daughter gets accidentally high on second-hand pot smoke. The third 'Kumar' film began production last week in Michigan where shooting will continue until mid-August. The story follows the pair on a hunt for a new Christmas tree for Harold's father-in-law after Kumar burns it down. Should be a real side-splitter. Eh, we’ll see. Anything with NPH simply HAS to be good. Check out the record. Doogie Howser MD, Starship Troopers, Undercover Brother, the first two Harold & Kumar’s, How I Met Your Mother, Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, hell I’m gonna take it all the way back to Purple People Eater. Oh, you don’t remember that one? Google that sh*t. It’s a kid’s flick before Doogie… and I just remember watching it at my grandma’s once and singing “One eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater” for like a week. What’s my point? All classics. NPH has the Midas Touch.

Fox Update – Sigh… so I guess you’ve all heard. The other day when I said it ain’t over until it’s Mrs. Megan Fox-Austin-Green, apparently that was the final straw for her…and it’s been made official to kill all hope. Megan finally married her long time boyfriend / fiancé Brian Austin Green. Fox's publicist Dominique Appel said Tuesday the couple was "happily married." The 24-year-old actress became engaged to Green earlier this month for the second time. The pair was previously engaged in 2006. It's the first marriage for both. The good news? Green is a dozen years her senior…so it gives me some hope that in a few years some beautiful woman will be able to hand the complex genius that is me…and we fall madly in Love and get married. Also, they’re happy. That’s what’s most important obviously. The bad news? Sigh… now who am I going to report on every week or so with career updates and sound bites to the media that will entertain me… and then pair them with a plethora of pictures that strike at my very core? We shall see. One thing’s for sure though, if I can get over Adriana Lima after she married someone who is vastly my inferior, then I’m sure that I can get over Megan as well. Time heals all wounds…and like I said, some lucky vixen out there will be able to handle all of me… even if I have to slowly work her into it. I’m a patient man. Congratulations to both of you, Brian & Megan. And I understand that I wasn’t invited to the ceremony. It would’ve been awkward.

That’ll do it for today…and I guess for probably the next week or so because I’ll have visitors. Don’t worry, when I return, there shall be plenty of brilliant insights, a few amusing anecdotes, and as always… a lot of pictures gloating just how awesome everything is here in sunny California… so you should just come visit when you get a few days off & I’d be happy to share it all with you. That’s right, I’m talking to you. You know the digits. You’ve had them for years. Call me up. Let’s make it happen. Anyway, have a great Independence Day Weekend everybody!!!

The End Shall Come With A Hiss

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm in a pretty damn good mood right now. I hate to jinx it...but I just wanted to share it with you all...because I know I've been a little less perky than you're probably accustomed to being religious readers of my blog for the past two years or so. It's just been an odd little situation the past few months were I haven't really known what my future holds more than...a few days in advance...and it's somewhat unsettling. Plus you through in the Jerry Springer drama (minus the midgets) that is my brother's life...and living solo in my apartment...sometimes it just wears on me a bit. Luckily, I have a lot of great friends all over the nation that like to keep tabs on me via text & phone calls...and a wonderful family that I live within an hour's drive if I need to chill with someone...and my job is actually a lot of fun & a great place to grow...and then start over...and grow again. Who knows? Maybe I just need a good make out session & I'll be back on my peak game but in the meantime, I'm doing pretty damn good today. I even had my latest managerial training class and it was pretty awesome. It was about relationships & the way that others see you. Yeah, nothing major...but I may have a budding work relationship with one of the ladies in the class...but I don't wanna get my hopes up...and let's face it, I'm pretty good eye candy. Who wouldn't want to talk to me? Especially if I'm in a suit looking all GQ cover? Anyway, here's the news...

American Wife-Carrying - This honestly should be an Olympic sport by 2020 but I'll leave that up to the politicians at the IOC. A Maine couple has taken the crown in the North American Wife Carrying Championship over a course that featured a muddy water hole and two log obstacles. Dave and Lacey Castro of Lewiston came in first among 41 teams to win Saturday's competition at Sunday River ski resort in Newry. They covered the 278-yard course in 54.45 seconds. For their effort, besides being known as the greatest wife-carrier duo in North America, what else do they win? The couple won 97-pound Lacey Castro's weight in beer and five times her weight in cash or $485. How's that for a prize? Teams from 11 states competed in the 10th annual race in which a man has to carry a woman (or vice versa) over an obstacle course. As the North American champs, the Castros are eligible to compete in the world championships in Finland next July (and this year's were documented on my blog...because I think this is a great competition). Tell me that you wouldn't watch this. Okay, then imagine a Celebrity Wife-Carrying competition. You'd watch that wouldn't ya? Forget that whole dancing with the D-list or whatever, you want to see The Rock see if he can carry his wife through an obstacle course faster than Shawne Merriman can carry Tila Tequila (granted I know they're not married...but I'm just hoping that he drops her along the way. Anybody with me on that?) It'd work. If not on one of the real networks, I'm sure that somebody that works for Fox has been stealing my ideas for years. Make it happen. Today, the Friday night death slot on Fox. Tomorrow, Sweden vs. Estonia in the Olympic relay. Holy crap, that's an even better idea. Wives being passed like batons between burly Eastern Europeans...and maybe a Samoan underdog. This could revolutionize co-ed sports. Patent pending.

Ninja Update - Police in Vernon, Connecticut said they arrested a man who was dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks while yelling about wanting to beat up U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman (we've all been there). The man, 30, was charged Sunday with breach of peace. Police said he was brought to Rockville General Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and later released. Authorities said they received several emergency calls about the man, who witnesses say was standing at the corner of Route 83 and Regan Road at about 11 a.m. Officers said they pulled out bean bag and taser guns, and the man became polite and cooperative. The man couldn't be reached Monday. He has no public phone listing, and it's not clear whether he has a lawyer...or a master of some sort. Obviously nothing major about this story. It just mentioned ninjas and it's a little too early to be Halloween related...so I shared. Ninja vanish!!! (Poof of smoke)

Apocalypse Update - Leave it to the United States government to be about a year behind in their research & still not really doing anything about it other than a general warning. According to recent reports, there are five species of foreign snakes just waiting to eat you. More troublingly, according to a U.S. Geological Survey report released Tuesday, nonnative snakes like the Burmese python could slither their way north from the warm, humid conditions of South Florida. The big snakes threaten native species and ecosystems because they mature and reproduce quickly, travel long distances and can eat almost anything in fur, feathers or scales, experts say. The 302-page report could be a step toward a ban on importing constrictor-like snakes into the U.S., said Ken Warren, spokesman for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's South Florida office. The FWC will now evaluate the report and seek public comment before recommending such a ban. "In many aspects, the report confirms what we already knew: that these snakes are a problem and that they do pose some risk," Warren said. The report analyzed nine kinds of snakes. Five — Burmese pythons, northern and southern African pythons, boa constrictors and yellow anacondas — are of "high risk" to the ecosystems of the U.S., especially in Florida. That's right, I said ANACONDAS!!! Four others — the reticulated python, Deschauensee's anaconda, green anaconda and Beni anaconda — are considered medium risk to ecosystems. That's right, MORE ANACONDAS!!! Scientists are already studying where Burmese pythons can survive in the U.S. Seven are being studied in a natural enclosure in South Carolina to see if the tropical natives can live through colder winters. The number of invasive pythons in South Florida and throughout Everglades National Park has exploded in the past decade to potentially tens of thousands, though wildlife officials aren't sure exactly how many are out there. Scientists believe pet owners have freed their snakes into the wild once they became too big to keep. They also think some Burmese pythons may have escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing ever since. Officials say the constrictors can produce up to 100 eggs at a time. Dr. Robert Reed, a research biologist with the U.S. geological survey, said everything from small wood storks, alligators and bobcats have been found in the stomachs of dead pythons. Reed said the native animals of Florida aren't used to living near super-predatory snakes, and in time, entire wildlife populations could be wiped out. "The fear is that something will happen akin to the situation with brown tree snakes on Guam. There, within 40 years of arrival, the snakes wiped out 10 of 12 bird species on island." Reed was quick to point out that these free-range snakes pose a "minuscule" threat to people. "All of the known fatalities involving giant snakes are from pet snakes, and usually to the owners," he said. In July, an 8-foot pet python strangled a toddler in Central Florida. Officials have tried to crack down on the invasive species; this summer, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission announced that the state would allow a few permitted snake experts to begin hunting, trapping and killing the nonnative pythons in an effort to eradicate them. Hunting the snakes is not allowed in Everglades National Park. Between January 1st and October 5th, some 270 Burmese pythons have been removed from the park. "It's just very difficult to eradicate them," said Linda Friar, a park spokeswoman. "The snakes are very difficult to locate." Ugh...and they survived what the dinosaurs couldn't. Thank you scientists. Okay...so now that the government is telling us that there may be a problem...and not to panic...so this is usually the time that we need to panic. Now, it's been a while since I've read Revelations...but I'm pretty sure there there were earthquakes, tidal waves, chaos...and GIANT SNAKES EVERYWHERE!!! Maybe there is something to this 2012 thing. Maybe that's when the ANACONDAS will outnumber the humans in the world. The signs are there, the data is there, we need to fight back...and I hear that snake is quite delicious. You could probably eat an anaconda for a month...and that's not including the alligator or bobcat or deer or whatever might be within it. Perhaps they will be like...a post-apocalyptic Kinderegg, with a special surprise inside. All I know is...we need to fight back...before it's too late. There's too many mother f**kin' snakes in this mother f**kin' glade...and we need to send Samuel L. in there to get it taken care of...and a bunch of his buddies for backup...because you never know when he's going to get snatched up by a supersmart great white shark in some illogical manner while giving a speech. It's happened before. Sigh...enough of this. I'm tired of spilling my case to a government who will sit back and bureaucratize when things need to be done. I'm changing the subject for a moment.

Megan Fox Update - American actress & now officially GLOBAL superhottie Megan Fox will strip down to her underwear for Giorgio Armani's Emporio Armani fashion brand, the Italian design house said on Wednesday. Fox, who starred in the "Transformers" films, follows in the footsteps of "Posh Spice" Victoria Beckham who along with her soccer-playing husband David heads the Emporio Armani autumn/winter underwear campaign. The actress will also be the new official worldwide face for Armani Jeans for next year (mmm...face, jeans, I like where this is going...) Armani said in a statement the soon-to-be unveiled adverts were shot by photographers Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott at the weekend in Lost Angeles. The duo also took the Beckhams' underwear ad pictures. Last week, the Milan-based fashion house said Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo would replace David Beckham as the new sports model for Emporio Armani's men's underwear. So now you all have something to look forward to. Instead of Posh, you get the Fox...in her underwear. Here's a sneak preview...

Oh wait, it's Armani...

so it'll probably be more like this

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Not much else to blab on about. Even if so, it wouldn't be that entertaining. I'm just glad that my family's back together with Kairi and they're happen. What more could a man ask for? Hmm, maybe a trip to Vegas soon. I need to be rejuvenated. "But $teve, you just went to Lake Tahoe. WTF?" You're right...but mind your own business. I guess I'll more than likely be going to LA next month...so maybe that'll work too. Lilie has promised to hook me up with an Adriana Lima look-alike that she met at a bar...since the real one is allegedly married to the man that I've proven is less compatible than me...but whatever, that'll be nice. I probably won't even have to learn Portuguese. Have a great day everybody!!!

Penguins Fly Together

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

The Official Interview went splendidly in my personal, humble opinion. They did call back after rescheduling...and it seemed like I answered the same questions again and again, with slight modifications like replacing Team with Individual and repeating phrases like "positive work environment", "delegation", "different points of view coming together to find an effective solution", and "leading to an incredible product" about a dozen times. I should now later today or tomorrow hopefully whether I'll be officially reoffered the job and as to when I will start there, probably next week...but who knows? I was kinda supposed to have a place there by now. No big deal. Today may be my last official day at work now. It should be awesome. Now for some news...

Iceland Going Bankrupt? - More than just the evil team from D2: The Mighty Ducks, the volcanic island nation of Iceland may be erupting into a major financial disaster…and is on the brink of becoming the first "national bankruptcy" of the global financial meltdown (like ice, get it?). Home to just 320,000 people on a territory the size of Kentucky, Iceland has formidable international reach because of an outsized banking sector that set out with Viking confidence to conquer swaths of the British economy from fashion retailers to top soccer teams. The strategy gave Icelanders one of the world's highest per capita incomes but now they are watching helplessly as their economy implodes with their currency (the Icelandic Krona) losing almost half its value and their heavily exposed banks collapsing under the weight of debts incurred by lending in the boom times. "Everything is closed. We couldn't sell our stock or take money from the bank," said Johann Sigurdsson as he left a branch of Landsbanki in downtown Reykjavik. The government had earlier announced it had nationalized the bank under emergency laws enacted to deal with the crisis. "We have been forced to take decisive action to save the country," Prime Minister Geir H. Haarde said of those sweeping new powers that allow the government to take over companies, limit the authority of boards, and call shareholder meetings. A full-blown collapse of Iceland's financial system would send shock waves across Europe, given the heavy investment by Icelandic banks and companies across the continent. Weird thing is…that Iceland was voted "Best Country to Live In" during a poll by the United Nations LAST YEAR with its residents deemed the most contented in the world. I wonder how that would turn out now. Damn financial crisis anyway. Who knows? Maybe Iceland will become the 51st state or something…like Hawaii…but in the Arctic Circle. Now's the time to buy, that's for sure.

Bardot Speaks - French film legend-turned-activist Brigitte Bardot took a swipe at Sarah Palin on Tuesday, saying the US vice presidential candidate was a disgrace to women. She wrote in an open letter, "I hope you lose these elections because that would be a victory for the world. By denying the responsibility of man in global warming, by advocating gun rights and making statements that are disconcertingly stupid, you are a disgrace to women and you alone represent a terrible threat, a true environmental catastrophe." The screen icon from the 1960s, who now heads an animal rights foundation, went on to assail Palin for supporting Arctic oil exploration that could jeopardize delicate animal habitats and for dismissing measures to protect polar bears. "This shows your total lack of responsibility, your inability to protect or simply respect animal life." In a final salvo against Palin, the 74-year-old ex-star picked up on Palin's depiction of herself as a pitbull wearing lipstick and said she "implored" her not to compare herself to dogs. "I know them well and I can assure you that no pitbull, no dog, nor any other animal for that matter is as dangerous as you are." Wow. You know, I really just put this in my blog so that I would have an excuse to put a picture of Brigitte Bardot on the screen…but she may have a point. Anyway, enjoy the picture…and Ms. Bardot, you may not have to worry because according to the latest polls, she's not as dangerous as you think…but there's still a few weeks to go.

Penguins CAN Fly - More than 370 penguins that mysteriously washed up on Brazil's equatorial beaches were flown south on a huge air force cargo plane and released closer to the frigid waters they call home, animal advocates said Monday. Onlookers cheered as the young Magellanic penguins were set free on a beach in southern Brazil and scampered into the ocean, the International Fund for Animal Welfare said in a statement. It called the penguin release the largest ever in South America. The penguins were among nearly 1,000 that have washed up on Brazil's northeastern coast in recent months, said group spokesman Chris Cutter. About 20 percent of the penguins died and the rest were not healthy enough send back. The penguins, which had been kept at an animal rehabilitation center in the northeastern city of Salvador, were flown on an air force C130 turboprop plane usually used for heavy military cargo to southern Brazil and set free on Saturday. Environmentalists say it is not know why the penguins were stranded so far north, but suggest they could have been carried beyond their usual range by a flow of warm water. Honestly though, is it any wonder why penguins wanted to go to the beaches of Brazil? I mean…have you SEEN Brazilian women? In bikinis? I wanna go to Brazil. Heck, I might even swim over if I knew they'd fly me back home for free.

That'll do it for today. Yeah, kind of a little brief entry this morning...but in the next day or two, I should have a lot more pictures from the Going Away Party to share...and more general craziness that you should be used to by now. Have a great day everybody!!!