Top Destinations in the USA

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the weekend is finally here… and my dad arrives tomorrow morning for our dude’s weekend out including an Eagles-49ers game at Candlestick Park. It should be EPIC!!! You know, I’ve always had my suspicions since I moved out here that I was pretty much perfectly situated to enjoy a lot of what this great world has to offer. Well, now I have confirmation. You see, this morning, I received a pair of emails from coworkers… the first was from the Huffington Post, where Lake Tahoe was ranked #1 as the most beautiful lake in all of the WORLD!!! Check out some of the competition (including Lake Titicaca) that we beat out. Nice, right? Well, shortly after, this one was sent for Trip Advisor that listed the Top 25 Destination in the United States… and long story short, 6 of the top 12 are in Northern California including #1 – San Francisco and #2 – Lake Tahoe. Here’s the full list so that you can enjoy it as well…

1. San Francisco – I think Bubbles would agree, there’s always something to do there. Besides, what place could possibly compare to Lake Tahoe? If I had to live in a big city, I could definitely see myself living in a city like San Fran. Very easily.
2. Lake Tahoe – SURPRISE!!!
3. San Diego– Ah yes, Heaven!!! Many a wonderful vacations to this beachly paradise and I really couldn’t argue if this were higher on the list. I mean… if you’re looking for beaches & sunshine EVERYDAY, this is where to go.
4. Washington D.C. – Our nation’s capital city is pretty cool too. Been there twice in the winter, though seasonably warm. Lots of great monuments and things to do… and I always think of Forrest & Jenny when I tell people about our nation’s capital.
5. Chicago – Never been here (except the airport a few times) but hear great things.
6. Seattle – The Emerald City is really a nice place. I too could see myself living there… and you know how I love the rain.
7. Big Sur, CA – Now, I may have to check this place out again because… the weather was bad when I checked it out last time… and it didn’t seem like much… but maybe I just wasn’t exploring the right places due to the weather.
8. New York City – Skyscrapers and EVERYTHING!!! Been there twice too, great to visit, would never want to live there probably.
9. Carmel, CA – Another stop on my road trip this last spring… and it’s amazing.
10. Sedona, AZ – I’m sure it’s awesome by desert standards… but yeah, never been there.
11. Monterey – Isn’t this place adjacent to Carmel? Also breathtakingly beautiful…
12. Napa, CA – Should really plan a Wine Country trip out there with Bubbles one of these days…
13. Austin, TX – I’m sure it’s better than Dallas… and I like what I’ve seen in Robert Rodriguez movies.
14. Boston – Birthplace of our nation… and if it weren’t for those accents, it’d probably be higher on the list. Really cool place with a lot of history by U.S. standards.
15. New Orleans – You know it would be higher on my list. THREE WEEKS AWAY!!!
16. Grand Canyon – The only natural formation in America photographed more than Emerald Bay here on Lake Tahoe. Who would’ve thought a big hole in the ground would be so magnificent?
17. Denver – Lived there for six months, lots of fun stuff to do, not bad for a city.
18. Colorado Springs – No idea…
19. Boulder, CO – Ugh… the definition of hippie college town. Love it.
20. Charleston, SC – I really would love to go see this place. The stories on the news out of South Carolina never cease to amaze me, so it’d be great to meet the people.
21. Portland, OR – I hear it’s like Seattle only… actually I hear it’s EXACTLY like Seattle.
22. Anchorage, AK – The Last Frontier. Maybe be going on a cruise there soon… but yeah, seen “Into the Wild” so not really looking to get THAT out there.
23. Santa Barbara, CA – As seen on the hit USA series “Psych”
24. Rocky Mountains – If you like mountains, this is the place to be…
25. Yosemite – Only three hours away… and magnificent.
    
    

Not a bad list, right? A few places that weren’t included… Salt Lake City (or Utah period), Los Angeles, Miami, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Vermont, Twin Falls… and most surprisingly, NO LAS VEGAS!!! Why do I mention these? No reason. Then again, Yosemite BARELY made it onto the list. Thank you Trip Advisor. Though I do wonder if you’re headquartered in California or Colorado…

Some other big news on the vacation front is that I will again have a three week hiatus around my birthday where I will be unemployed during the “shoulder” season here in the Tahoe area. What does this mean? Well… besides that I’ll probably have to deal with the BS of filing for unemployment if I choose to do that this year, it means that I’ll have three weeks to do whatever and go wherever I want (or rather can afford to go). Here are some options that instantly popped into my head:

1. Another EPIC Road Trip down the Pacific Coast – This time though, maybe I’ll have some more company, like Bubbles hitching a ride down through Napa, Monterey, Carmel, Big Sur, Hearst Castle and Hollywood, then fly back as I continue onto Mexico or something. You never know.
2. Another EPIC Road Trip down the Pacific Coast - This time though, maybe I’ll go north towards Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, Whistler, etc. and come back through Spokane, Calgary, Idaho, Montana, Yellowstone, etc. on the way to Utah.
3. European Vacation – I did say that Amsterdam for the 30th birthday would be the dream… and while over there for a few weeks, I could use the train & ferry system to stop by Brussels, Copenhagen, Berlin, Oslo, Prague, wherever else I can work into that time. Again, company would be nice…
4. Family Cruise – During the family reunion last month, we reminisced about our cruise a few years back from LA to San Diego, Catalina & Ensenada. I think that we need to do something like this again… but this time, I’m thinking we need to up the stakes. I’m thinking… leave from the Port of New Orleans (after a few days of the Big Easy) on a Caribbean cruise to places like Costa Maya, Belize, Isla Roatan or over to the Bahamas. The best part… they have those cruises there during that time. It’s quite doable.
5. Recharge the Batteries – Anything is possible… even sitting at home without a care in the world and just relaxing. Though this is probably the least likely of the options thus far, if the company’s nice… you never know. Since hiking in the mud and kayaking on snow runoff are the options around here though, it’s highly unlikely.
   
   

So yeah, I have six months to figure that part out… but first thing’s first. Football & male bonding this weekend, hopefully a date (and female bonding?) later in the week, get things squared away for the upcoming winter season, spend a week hanging out with Filly & Friends in New Orleans. Not a bad way to spend the month. Anyway, enough of that… here’s some news…

This Week at Auction – How much would you pay for this vase? By the way, I pronounced that “vace” not “vaaaz” or whatever. If I said a few hundred bucks, have I lost you already? It’s pretty nice, right? What if I were to tell you that it was from the Qing Dynasty? Does that mean anything to you? Didn’t think so. In this case, it just means that it was made in the 18th century during the last dynasty of China. Now do I have you bidding in the thousands? Yeah? How about a million bucks? Would you pay one million dollars for this vase? No? Sigh… well, you just missed on a golden opportunity because this Chinese Qing dynasty vase sold for HK$253 million ($32.4 million) in a Sotheby's sale in Hong Kong on Thursday, a world record at auction for any Chinese porcelain. "This is definitely a milestone," Nicolas Chow, the Deputy Chairman of Sotheby's Asia told Reuters. "Chinese works of art took their place on the world auction stage today." While segments of the Chinese art market cooled substantially during the financial crisis, especially once white-hot Chinese contemporary art, older paintings and imperial antiques continued to generate solid demand and prices, though fewer quality works surfaced as sellers stayed away on still fragile sentiment. In Sotheby's current autumn sales, however, a selection of rare works from four major private collections and a flood of free-spending Chinese millionaires, contributed to what many called one of the best sales of Chinese ceramics in recent years. In a packed auction hall filled with applauding mainland Chinese buyers, a bidding war saw the rare Qing vase finally go to Alice Cheng, a Hong Kong collector and sister of renowned octogenarian Chinese art collector and dealer Robert Chang. "I'm very happy," said Cheng. "As long as you like something, even if it's expensive it's worth it," she told reporters. Truer words may have never been spoken. The price was more than the about $28 million paid for a 14th century blue and white porcelain jar sold by Christie's in 2005, though less than a calligraphy scroll by Song dynasty poet Huang Tingjian (1045-1105 AD) that sold for around $64 million at a June Beijing auction by Chinese auctioneers Beijing Poly. Repeat: A nearly thousand year old calligraphy scroll sold for around $64 million. The globular yellow-ground Qing vase, decorated with flowers and golden emblems for longevity, is an exemplar of the so-called "famille rose" family of Qing vases that have been among the most highly sought after works among wealthy Chinese in recent years. "It's astounding," said veteran New York-based dealer James Lally. "I feel this is not a bubble. We've seen so much depth to this market. We're stunned because there's no precedent for it." Fired in the 18th century during the Qianlong period of the Qing dynasty, the gourd-shaped vase has an impeccable provenance and put up for sale by longtime collector J.T. Tai. "I can safely say there has not been a famille rose vase of a finer quality in the last 10 or 15 years," said Sotheby's Chow. In other signs of the Chinese art market's ebullience at the top end, a pair of famille rose "floral medallion" vases sold for HK$140 million ($18 million) while a Qing white jade "Xintian Zhuren" seal, sourced from a reclusive overseas Chinese collector, made $16 million, a world record for an imperial seal. A collection of Ming imperial bronzes from the collection of Tuyet Nguyet and Stephen Markbreiter, also performed strongly, with a seated Tibetan gilt bronze figure fetching $3.5 million. "Every so often something like this happens," said Nader Rasti, a London art dealer. "A psychological barrier has been broken," he said of the blockbuster prices. Sigh… you know where a LOT of that money that China has is coming from, right? Well, it’s still amazing what people will pay for old pots & pans. Oooh, it’s a 400 year old porcelain vase that was once owned by a child emperor. Whoopty-doo… I can go to Pier 1 Imports and get something exactly like that for about $40. They’re still in business, right? Haven’t done a lot of decorating lately. Anyway, hopefully Ms. Cheng doesn’t have buyer’s remorse already. Congratulations on your monumental purchase! Sigh… what am I going to do for Christmas?

Santa-Free Christmas? – Could you imagine? Christmas without Santa Claus? Then again, it may be a Godsend in these tough economic times. Think about it. We just… forget about Santa, focus the holiday on helping others rather than buying tons of useless crap for one another… and Christmas is super awesome again. In Germany, a group of Catholics wants to do away with Santa Claus because of the fictional figure's commercial hype and replace him with St Nicolas and the selfless giving they say he represents. Even before shops fill with Santa-themed goodies, the Bonifatiuswerk of German Catholics -- a Catholic aid organization -- has begun calling for "Santa Claus-free zones." The organization sees Santa as "an invention of the advertising industry designed to boost sales" and as "a representative of consumer society" who has little to do with the historical figure of St Nicolas (wait until Easter rolls around and they can attack the Easter Bunny). Its website describes Nicolas, the patron saint of children, as "a helper in need who reminds us to be kind, to think of our neighbors, and to give the gift of happiness." The campaign is supported by several German celebrities. "Unlike Santa Claus, Nicolas wants to give children inner riches and not just encourage them to strive for material wealth," German TV presenter Nina Ruege was quoted saying. David Hasselhoff has yet to be reached for comment. So what do you think? Sure, Santa is fun… and who doesn’t want to sit on his jolly fat lap once in a while (right Bone Jr?) but… is he taking the focus away from the Spirit of Christmas? Of giving? I know that personally, I wouldn’t mind going without a single gift this Christmas other than a hug from loved ones. I would much rather bring a smile to somebody’s face by giving them a warm meal and a hot shower than a brand new Lamborghini (that I honestly couldn’t drive around here half the year anyway). Will it catch on? It really has the potential to… but I doubt it. Even in Germany where logic & beer are king & queen. Still… it’s a nice idea. It also makes me think about my family & friends back in Utah and all around the globe. I’m glad that I’m able to visit them a few times a year, including Christmas. I can’t wait to see you all again this coming holiday season. You have no idea how much you all mean to me.

On that note, I’ll call it a day. I’m sitting here staring at my postcards of some of the places I’ve been… and it’s really getting the creative juices going on where to spend the next epic journey in April now that I know that far in advance. If anybody out there is interested in joining me, please let me know and we’ll get it crackilackin’. Man, I haven’t used that word in the longest time. That’s Ice Cube / Westside, right? Geez, that takes me back to high school. By the way, when the hell did Ice Cube go from “Straight Outta Compton” to “Are We There Yet?” Was it a smooth transition or did it just happen all of a sudden on March 14th, 2003 or something? Anyway, have a great night everybody!!!

Mona Lisa Manatees

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I didn’t go to Truckee Thursdays. GASP!!! I know, I know. After the previous night’s waste of money (in which Karma placed a hundred bucks cash back into my pocket a few hours later), I just wasn’t feeling it, so I decided to clean up around the apartment (now that my roommate’s done moving out) and then… I watched the first few episodes of the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” series with Filly over the phone. I had never watched the series. Filly’s a fanatic…and told me that I reminded her of the lovable (but not f**kable) character Xander…and after a few episodes, I can kinda see why. I’d like to say I’m more like Angel where ladies cream at the thought of me…but he’s a little too “Twilight” for me. You know how I feel about moody vampires…and I still think he should hook up with Bones. Sorry, reference to another series a decade later. Anyway, it was pretty fun just chatting and mocking (and basically turning it into a porn in a few very simple steps) with Filly…even though we’re like 2000 miles apart. She keeps telling me that I need to get Skype so that we can webchat…but I’m not sure if I want people to be seeing me late night in this kind of situation. You know, kicked back, watching movies, beer in hand, maybe some M&Ms or an orange, doesn’t sound too bad? How about the pants being off from time to time? Still intrigued? Maybe you ladies should start a charity to save up for a new laptop so that I can make this happen…because my laptop probably isn’t going to cut it…and like I said, I have no roommate currently so finances are a little tight for something I’m barely going to use.

Today at lunch, a coworker and I were watching the Open Championship at St. Andrew’s (don’t feel bad that you don’t know what it is, basically it’s golf on the course where the sport was invented), and we discussed how golf was so damn boring…and then we shared ideas on Extreme Golf. He seemed to really like my ideas…and being a former officer in the Army, he added a few touches that I hadn’t even considered… mostly land mines, distracting crossfire, maybe a few freedom fighters in the trees or high grass, stuff like that. Then he mentioned an idea…that I think has the potential to make us both very rich. Well, maybe not Oprah rich…but at least Girls Gone Wild guy rich. Now, you have to promise not to tell anyone (who would start this up without cutting us a little piece of the pie). Pinky swear? Okay. Here it is. Jousting!!! Wait, think about it for a second. You may be thinking “$teve, that’s an antiquated form of dueling, barbaric, and nobody would be interested in it whatsoever.” Bullsh*t!!! You’re probably thinking about two knights riding on horses. This isn’t the Middle Ages. We’re in the 21st century. 3rd Millennium!!! I’m talking two guys (or girls, because of Title IX) on segways, jet skis, snowmobiles, those mini-motorcycles, zip lines, skateboards, snowboards or skis (half pipe), big wheels, unicycles, the possibilities are endless really. Some of those could be padding optional. I’m picturing the guys on segways, as long as they can hold onto the steering bar, it’d autocorrect and they’d pop right back up like one of those damn punching clowns. Oh…and of course you could still do horseback and all of that too…but tell me that you wouldn’t watch REAL competitive jousting. “But $teve, I don’t even go to the Renaissance Fair to see two LARPers joust for free. Why would I want to watch this?” Because we’re talking about real athletes with big sticks, that’s why. Do you mean to tell me that you wouldn’t want to see Brock Lesnar go against Shaq in a bare-chested joust on mini-motorcycles? The image alone is worth the price of admission. If anybody rich out there is reading this and needs my help in getting this league off the ground, just send me an email and the jet to Truckee Regional and we can iron out the details. I’m talking GLOBAL!!! Go big or go home!!! Anyway, that’s really all of an update in my world at this point…so let’s go to the news…

Denver Update – Speaking of pants-off dance-off, the days when a citizen could address the Boulder City Council wearing only underwear may be over. (GASP!!!) The council will vote on new decorum rules in September, seven months after a resident stepped up to a microphone in his boxers. The rules were already under review, but that incident led to a proposed ban on undressing during meetings. It's not the first time the university town has wrestled with how much clothing is enough. In April, the city barred teens and adults from showing their genitals in public (WHAT???). That could put the wraps (and/or pasties) on two annual traditions that involve running or cycling naked. But the council declined to outlaw topless females, despite complaints about a woman who gardens in a thong and gloves (remember her?). You know, the more I hear about Boulder, the more I think I was probably supposed to go to the party college of Colorado and root for a different new member (GO BUFFS!!!) of the Pac-12 or whatever it is now, rather than the newest (GO UTES!!!). There’s a lot more crazy nudity & debauchery on the other side of the Rockies. Believe me, I’ve had thoughts of going before the Ogden City Council and stripping down to my underwear…but I’m sure they would’ve had police pouncing on me by the time that I was loosening the belt. Traditions of hiking & biking naked, showing genitals in public, topless women rampant in the streets, that’s my kind of place. I dream of a world where people can speak freely in whatever attire they want. Where the morals of Justice can rise up…as if held by suspenders…and not be bogged down by the crushing weight of oppression…and layers of cotton blends. Then, when we can be in a world with nothing to hide, free at last, free at last, sweet tig ol’ bitties, free at last!!! Sorry I ugh… just pictured myself on the steps of the Lincoln monument for a moment.

Mama’s Manatee Update – I like Pandas. You all know this. Sure I think they’re nature’s lazy, sexually retarded, potentially vicious teddy bears… but I’m doing my best to save the species. They’re just not helping much. I think it might be genetic…because my mom’s favorite animal…is the Manatee. It’s a very similar story with these animals. They’re big, slow, rare…and basically nature’s speed bumps down in Florida’s waterways. Well, because I love my mama very much, here’s an update in the world of the Sea Cow. A group of manatees looking for love are safe after being stranded in a shallow canal in Miami. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Jorge Pino said four or five male manatees were trying to mate with a female in the canal (simultaneously?). Pino said the water in the canal may have been too dirty for the sea cows to see through (nature’s bag over the head?). Wildlife officials managed to coerce all the manatees to swim out of the shallow area on Monday. Pino said it's not uncommon to see several manatees in one place during the summer, when mating is most frequent. Last year, ten manatees appeared on the shores of Lauderdale-by-the-Sea to mate. So apparently where pandas are basically un-sexual and prudish, manatees prefer dirty sausage-heavy gangbangs in the shallow end of the pool. Natural selection works in mysterious ways…and I think both species are screwed unless they get their acts together.

Mona Lisa’s Secrets – The works of Leonardo da Vinci are steeped in mystery. What is the meaning of the positioning of “The Last Supper”? Does his flying machine really work? Why does Mona Lisa look like she has a stick up her ass? Is “The Da Vinci Code” just on par with “National Treasure” with respect to historical accuracy? Burning questions all…but French scientists say they have cracked a few secrets of the "Mona Lisa." (She’s actually a dude?) French researchers studied seven of the Louvre Museum's Leonardo da Vinci paintings, including the "Mona Lisa," to analyze the master's use of successive ultra-thin layers of paint and glaze - a technique that gave his works their dreamy quality. Specialists from the Center for Research and Restoration of the Museums of France found that da Vinci painted up to 30 layers of paint on his works to meet his standards of subtlety. Added up, all the layers are less than 40 micrometers, or about half the thickness of a human hair, researcher Philippe Walter said Friday. The technique, called "sfumato," allowed da Vinci to give outlines and contours a hazy quality and create an illusion of depth and shadow. His use of the technique is well-known, but scientific study on it has been limited because tests often required samples from the paintings. The French researchers used a noninvasive technique called X-ray fluorescence spectroscopy to study the paint layers and their chemical composition. They brought their specially developed high-tech tool into the museum when it was closed and studied the portraits' faces, which are emblematic of sfumato (bless you). The project was developed in collaboration with the European Synchrotron Radiation Facility in Grenoble. The tool is so precise that "now we can find out the mix of pigments used by the artist for each coat of paint," Walter told The Associated Press. "And that's very, very important for understanding the technique." The analysis of the various paintings also shows da Vinci was constantly trying out new methods, Walter said. In the "Mona Lisa," da Vinci used manganese oxide in his shadings. In others, he used copper. Often he used glazes, but not always. The results were published Wednesday in Angewandte Chemie International Edition, a chemistry journal. Tradition holds that the "Mona Lisa" is a painting of Lisa Gherardini, wife of Florentine merchant Francesco del Giocondo, and that da Vinci started painting it in 1503. Giorgio Vasari, a 16th-century painter and biographer of da Vinci and other artists, wrote that the perfectionist (or procrastinator) da Vinci worked on it for four years. No wonder she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She’s been sitting in that same spot for four years while he strokes his beard and says in a bad Italian accent (provided by yours truly), “No no no, this simply will not do. Perhaps if I use manganese oxide to bring out the bags under her eyes she won’t look like a harlot.” “Excuse me?” “Ssssh, no moving. You will break my concentration and we’ll have to start all over again.” “My husband will surely have your head for such…” “Your husband told me to keep you here for as long as I want while he’s out f**king half of Roma. Capice?” So you see, French scientists are hard at work on solving centuries-old mysteries…and no just “What the hell did we just eat? Snails? (gag)”

Tink Update – Since I did an update for my mom earlier with the manatees, now I have to go with my niece favorite thing in the whole world (besides her daddy maybe) and that is Tinkerbell. You’ve seen the pictures. She has the bedroom sets, the table, the toys, even of her multi-cultural fairy friends, all that Disney produced crap that’s peddled to kids. She loves her Tink…and I think to this day, won’t go anywhere without her Tink blanket. Well, guess what. Elizabeth Banks ("30 Rock," "Slither") is attached to star in "Tink", a live-action film starring Peter Pan's fairy friend Tinkerbell in development at Disney Pictures says Variety. Banks and Max Handelman came up with the idea which will play on "the mischievous nature of the Tinkerbell character". Elizabeth Wright Shapiro ("Miss January") penned the script. Adam Shankman, Jennifer Gibgot and McG will produce. What’s that? You don’t think that you could see the star of such classics as “40 Year Old Virgin” and “Zach & Miri Make a Porno” as your daughter’s favorite nymph(o)? (“Wow, that’s graphic!”) Yeah, think about that for a second…if you dare. Speaking of Tinkerbell’s mischievous nature, I’ve often wondered what the hell girls see in her? Oh yeah, I wonder about stuff like this all the time. Don’t act surprised. As a guy, yeah, she’s a cute little fairy with a tight little body with magical powers and doesn’t talk much or whatever… and that’s cool… but that’s kinda like thinking about trying to get with some pixie tramp stamp or ankle tattoo, which oddly enough if you think about it, is definitely more realistic. However, the thing that bothers me about it… is Tinkerbell is pure f**king evil. Didn’t anybody watch Peter Pan? That jealous b**ch tried to have Wendy killed. Why? Because the preteen boy that she had a crush on (don’t even try to work out the logistics of anything happening, by the way) like her more… and gave her a thimble, I think. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen the show…but even as a kid, I knew she was evil. What’s her response? Well, after straight-up assault a few times with hair pulling and whatever else her diminutive body could do, she helped f**king pirates to not only kidnap Wendy…but all of her alleged friends, the Lost Boys too. Oh yeah! You know I’m right. This is what Disney is teaching your daughter (and generations before) and you’re enabling them. Now she’s going to be portrayed in a live-action movie by the “do-it-yourself” enthusiast / amateur porn star actress. Yes, I know in real life Ms. Banks is probably salt of the Earth good people… but I’m just saying, I have the mentality of a child, so I know how they think. Do you want to be the one answering questions like “What is Tinkerbell doing with that tub faucet, daddy?” “She’s ugh… thinking happy thoughts, sweetie. Bedtime!!!” All that said, I fully support this movie… but shame on all you ladies out there for supporting Tinkerbell’s behavior. You know who you are.

So yeah, that’s going to be it for me today. Leave on a high note with evil slutty pixies, I guess. Welcome to my blog. Speaking of my niece Kairi, she’s kinda bummed that I won’t be visiting her for my brother’s birthday barbecue this weekend…but I’ll get to see her soon. I miss her… and that little munchkin Vinny too (who before I know it will no longer be a munchkin). What am I going to be doing this weekend? Don’t know. Probably cleaning the house, looking for a roommate, maybe another date (with somebody else), plenty of stuff going on in the area too… and there’s always trails and other relative free stuff around the lake. I’ll keep you posted. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

The Other Kind of Stoned

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not a whole lot the past few days. Been watching “Ghost Adventurers” on Travel Channel, which for those of you who don’t know, is basically three dudes who lock themselves into allegedly haunted places across the world overnight…and basically try to contact and/or pick fights with ghosts. It’s mildly amusing to me. They get these white noise blurbs on digital recorders and…sometimes they try to stretch it out into something. For example, they’ll be in an abandoned hospital in East LA…and be yelling down a hallway “Are there any ghosts here?” and their recorder will pick up some quick random noise for half a second. Then they look at the camera all excited, “DID YOU HEAR THAT?” “Oh my God, dude. That was totally a woman screaming.” “Yeah, that was definitely a woman’s voice down the hallway, screaming possibly singing.” Then they’ll replay it on enhanced audio…and I think sometimes they forget that they’re in East LA and that sounds like somebody using the horn of their automobile two miles away. Occasionally there are some real interesting things that happen…but yeah, it’s a little overdramatic & therefore hilarious to me sometimes, much like a soap opera. I still watch it though. That stuff intrigues me. That may explain my fascination with New Orleans a little bit too, besides the food, culture, architecture, women, music, environment, women, history, hospitality and ugh… there was one more thing. Oh yeah, the women. Anyway, check the show out if you want…or maybe these movies.

The other night I watched “Shutter Island” which is a horror flick from director Martin Scorsese (“Goodfellas”, “The Departed”, etc) and starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo among others. The story is of a Boston detective (DiCaprio) who is sent to an isolated mental institution island with his new partner (Ruffalo) to investigate the disappearance of a “guest” in the 1950’s. From the beginning, the staff seems very secretive & non-compliant to their requests for information…and it really doesn’t help that there are a lot of rumors about the place…or that the man responsible for the detective’s wife’s death is allegedly an inmate in their psychotic prison ward. The way that the story is told is quite slow, methodical & bone chilling…which is pretty much what you want in a psychological thriller like this. However, have you ever watched a movie…and had it figured out in the first ten minutes…and it goes on for two hours trying to throw you off? Yeah, me neither. I was just asking. I’d still recommend checking out this movie. It’s pretty good.

Last night, I watched a movie that was pretty different in a lot of ways. It was “The Crazies” starring Timothy Olyphant & Radha Mitchell. Set in Ogden Marsh, Iowa, it’s about a local small-town sheriff (Olyphant) and his pregnant doctor wife (Mitchell) who are caught up in some crazy sh*t. Opening scene: You’ve seen the commercial, I’m sure. Baseball game, whole town is there, guy wanders into the outfield with a shotgun, sheriff confronts him, guy looks at shotgun awkwardly, raises it, sheriff has to put him down. Best part about the movie, it really doesn’t slow down much from there. The next day, a man randomly burns his house down with his wife & son inside…and then while locked in the town drunk cell, he starts going really batty. Then the government comes in to start cracking down on this behavior…and it basically turns into “28 Days Later” with rednecks. Pretty good little horror flick. If you’re into that stuff, I’d recommend it. It’s not completely stupid like most of them…but then again, don’t look too hard into the plot at some points too. You know, standard horror protocol applies. Here’s the news…

Denver Update - Police responding to reports of a man leaping between cars in a Colorado supermarket parking lot didn't need a detailed description of the suspect. Boulder Police Sgt. Fred Gerhardt said witnesses on Wednesday reported a man was dressed as a leprechaun and pretending to shoot at people with his fingers (or as the kids are calling it these days, “fingerbanging”). Witnesses told police the man may have made obscene gestures (“Top o’ da mornin’ love. Would you like to touch my shalalee?”). Gerhardt said they likely called police because the man "was acting bizarre." Officers did not find anyone matching the description of the leprechaun (no redheads in Boulder?). Gerhardt said this is the first time Boulder police have received a complaint about a leprechaun…which having been to Denver’s St Patty’s Day Parade, I seriously doubt. I wonder if it’s some kind of advertisement. You know me, always looking for the angle in a story like this. Think about it. Where did it happen? A grocery store. Then you have some fingerbanging leprechaun in the parking lot saying “You’ll never get me Lucky Charms now. It’s a shame too, cuz they’re on sale in the cereal aisle, pkyoo pkyoo (that’s him firing his pistols)” and then running off to the next family. Good show, General Mills. Good show.

Dolly Parton: Fairy Godmother - If the superstardom Miley Cyrus has experienced by age 17 sounds like a fairy tale, maybe there's a good reason. "I'm her fairy godmother," exclaimed Dolly Parton after they recently performed together at Dollywood. Parton has known Miley since she was a baby. Her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, met Parton in the early 1990s when he shot to fame with "Achy Breaky Heart." He credits Parton for inspiring his acting career (his what?) and is thankful that she has been a role model for Miley. "It's great that she has someone like Dolly to idolize, someone to look up to," said Billy Ray in a recent phone interview. "Having that type of influence in her life, it's so amazing and so special." In late May, Miley, Billy Ray and Kenny Rogers joined Parton in Pigeon Forge, Tenn., to shoot the hour-long TV special "Dolly Parton Celebrates 25 Years of Dollywood," which airs Saturday on the Hallmark Channel. The special is filled with performances, glimpses of the theme park and unscripted moments between the stars, including a part where Parton and the Cyruses play guitar and talk in an attic (completely unscripted). It also includes tributes from friends — Reba McEntire, Brad Paisley, Kenny Chesney, and others. "There are a lot of wonderful things," she said. "It shows the park really great, and the audience and all the people that work here, so we've really covered it in every respect." One highlight featured Parton and Miley turning the song "Jolene" into a spirited duet, with the two fighting over the same man. "I was blown away when they did 'Jolene,'" Billy Ray said. "It was amazing, it was just a moment of going, 'Wow, listen to how great they sound together.'" Parton said she considers Miley to be like one of her nieces or a little sister. "I'm just real proud of her. She does not need my advice, but she's often asking for information and advice, and I tell her what I know, but I think the girl's doing all right without me." I sense a spin-off coming out soon titled “Cinder-Ellie May” starring those two…but I’m wait for CMT or the Disney Channel to call me for the script. What’s that? Never thought you’d hear me talk about Hannah Montana on my blog again since she ransacked my dreams & I gave her career advice? Apparently you were wrong. Don’t worry. She’s not going to be the next Adriana Lima or Megan Fox on this blog…by which I mean, appearing sporadically in obsessive updates until she marries some douche who doesn’t know how to shave. See, I’m like that stupid Dane Cook movie, what’s it called? Oh yeah, all of them…but specifically the one where I’m good luck to any chick I have sex with… only there’s no sex involved, it’s just a stupid blog. You know, I’m nothing like that movie. Why would you even say that? And Dane Cook is hilarious in small doses. How dare you?

Stoning? Really? – Update from the Middle East, a realm of the planet that I just don’t understand at all. The Iranian government has announced that it will NOT stone to death Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani for adultery. I repeat. The government has announced that it will NOT STONE A WOMAN TO DEATH FOR ADULTERY. As in, they were originally planning to…but are deciding another form of execution…for adultery. It's not clear whether the death sentence against the 43-year-old mother has been lifted…or whether she still faces execution by another method (possibly the chopping block or being torn limb from limb by Arabian horses). Ashtiani, a widow, was convicted in May 2006 of having an "illicit relationship outside marriage" with two men (simultaneously?) and then punished with 99 lashes. Her case was reopened after a court suspected her of murdering her husband but she was acquitted. A death penalty was handed down on the adultery charge, however, based on a "judge's knowledge," Britain's Guardian writes. Remember, she already got 99 lashes…and THEN was sentenced to death because…wait, what? Judge’s knowledge? Was he one of the two guys? I’m confused. News of the medieval punishment that Ashtiani faced generated international opposition and pressure on Tehran. A statement by the Iranian Embassy in London denied that stoning was ever considered, calling such reports "false news." The Guardian also reports that 12 Iranian women and three men imprisoned for adultery still face execution by stoning. Let’s take a moment…and really think about some of the liberties that we have as Americans…or really anywhere outside of what I like to call, the Crazy Oily Sandbox. Now, it’s been a while for me since I’ve felt the warm soothing touch of a woman (please don’t look back in the blog to see how long…because it’d only make us both cry a little) but in Iran, having never been married, I would be damn near a 30-year old virgin…or face getting bludgeoned to death instead of blue balls. No wonder everybody’s so f**king cranky over there. I could see them doing some kind of cruel punishment where a guy gets a dozen lashes while a belly dancer performs in front of him. What was his crime? Masturbating. I guess it’s still better than beheading (which in this case would be more like circumcision). So… when the legal system gets you down here in the States, just remember, it could always be worse. And to all the single ladies out there, I think that we should celebrate our sexual freedoms whenever possible…like say, 8 o’clock Wednesday, my place, bring some wine & we’ll watch the sunset… and maybe get the other kind of “stoned” while watching a movie. Sound good? You know it does.

Meanwhile in Vietnam… - More international “craziness”, an acupuncturist who claims she can detect a man's virginity based on a small dot on the ear has become a minor celebrity in Vietnam, where she is credited with helping to free three convicted rapists from prison. Wait, wait, let’s read the story first, then jump to judgment. Traditional medicine practitioner Pham Thi Hong started lobbying for the men's release, pleading their case all the way to the president, because she believes all three men are virgins and therefore could not be guilty of rape. "They all had small red spots on the back of their ears," said Hong, 54. "The spots should have disappeared if they had had sex. My many years of experience (giggidy?) told me that these men did not have sex before." Her claims are unusual even for a country where acupuncture and traditional medicine are still common remedies, but Hong's determination to have the case reopened — even threatening to light herself on fire — led to prosecutors re-examining the case. The convictions eventually were suspended due to flaws by initial investigators. "Thanks to her efforts, investigators revisited the case which otherwise could have been buried," said Nong Thi Hong Ha (no relation), a lawyer for one of the freed men. Hong says she discovered the spot on Nguyen Dinh Kien's ear the first time he visited her for treatment four years ago. He was brought to the hospital from prison, where he was serving a 16-year sentence after being convicted of gang raping a 20-year-old woman in 2000. After seeing the spot on Kien's ear, Hong believed his insistence that he was innocent. She later examined his two alleged accomplices (the other alleged gangbangers) and began a campaign for their release. Eventually, President Nguyen Minh Triet ordered that the case be re-examined. Investigators who revisited the case discovered flaws, including the fact that testimonies of witnesses indicating their innocence were not included in the case's files, according to the local Pioneer newspaper. The three men, having served 10 years in jail, were released in January. Vietnamese newspapers have dedicated profiles to Hong and her virginity test, crediting her with helping to free the men while not expressing any skepticism of her ability. Earlier this week, she went on an online chat on Pioneer newspaper where readers expressed their "great admiration" for her efforts. She says she was first taught how to determine if a man has ever had sex by feeling their pulse (and if he blew a load in his pants, then the answer was no). She later developed the ear-spot method on her own. She says the spot will only disappear after heterosexual intercourse and is not affected by gay sex or masturbation. "I never thought that one day I would use this method to help the three men prove their innocence," said Hong, while treating a patient in her home on the outskirts of Hanoi. Her virgin-detecting claims have drawn skepticism from other traditional medicine practitioners, who work with needles, herbs and other methods using centuries-old techniques to manipulate energy, or chi, in the body. "I have never heard of this method before," said Nguyen Van Hao, 60, an acupuncturist who has practiced for 14 years. "From the medical point of view, it's impossible to determine whether a man has had sex or not by feeling the pulse or examining the red spot on their ears (now if you’ll excuse me, I have to cure this woman’s consumption with gingko and leeches)." Hong, however, said she's convinced her method works after years of testing it on her students. Hong says her reputation has now prompted other convicted rapists to seek her help in appealing their cases. "I'm not planning to launch a campaign to clear innocent people who were falsely convicted of rape. But I'm willing to help people to prove their innocence, if they really are (paying in cash)." Okay, now you can pass judgment. So the three rapists were actually released because of poor police work…which sadly does happen. However, this would’ve never come to light…if the President of Vietnam…wasn’t convinced that this 54-year old woman…could determine if a man was still in possession of his V-card…by a freckle or a spider bite behind his ear. When you go home tonight, check behind your son’s ear. What’s that? Your six-year old doesn’t have the red dot? Grill him about who he’s been playing doctor with…because that child’s been adultering. Oh, your son still has the red dot? Then REALLY grill him about who he’s been playing doctor with…because he may be why your towels are no longer soft…or it may be Timmy from down the street. Yeah, kind of ridiculous…but hey, at times like this, I think WWJD? He wouldn’t judge them, right?

Jesus Update – Ever seen the episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia titled “The Gang Exploits a Miracle”? If not, you should. It’ll make this story even funnier. A Catholic priest in New Hampshire plans to visit a Candia water park to see if he can see the face of Jesus in the park's lifeguard flag. The owner of the Liquid Planet Water Park said that when the flag was unfurled earlier this season staff saw what looked to them like a shadowy image of Jesus Christ. Kevin Dumont said he had been praying for a miracle to improve business. Since the flag was opened, there have been a string of perfect days and business is up 200%. The New Hampshire Union Leader said Father Volney "Von" DeRosia from St. Joseph's Church in Epping will visit the park Thursday to try to determine if the image could have been intentionally fabricated. Wow, business has TRIPLED since Jesus appeared on the lifeguard’s flag? Hmm… There may be something to this. Maybe they haven’t exploited it enough. Maybe if it’s confirmed, the priest can bless the water…and then it’ll be Liquid Planet Holy Water Park. They could even open a sacramental wine bar next to the adult pool…which they top off with a hard plastic cover in the evenings so that they can enjoy the blood of Christ…and then dance on water to “Jesus Walks” or something. Hey now, I’m just throwing out ideas here. Patent pending, Mr. Dumont. Anyway, just goes to show that Jesus loves water parks…just like everybody else.

Dino Update – Also in the picturesque Northeast, in Post Mills, Vermont, an interesting question is raised? Does a 25-foot-tall, 122-foot-long dinosaur need a permit to avoid extinction? That's the unlikely dilemma posed by "Vermontasaurus," a whimsical sculpture thrown together with scrap wood by a Vermont man. The oddity now faces opposition from neighbors and regulatory challenges from government entities that he fears could force him to dismantle it. It's art, not edifice, says Brian Boland. "They should leave me alone. It's a piece of artwork," he said. Boland, 61, is a former teacher, hot-air balloon designer and pilot who runs the Post Mills Airport, a 52-acre airfield. Last month, he decided to turn a pile of broken wooden planks and other detritus on the edge of his property into something more. Boland says the idea was to build a sculpture that could be a community gathering place, with no admission and no commercial element (What? No money? That’s un-American). Using a dinosaur model as his inspiration, he put out a call for volunteer helpers and went to work. He cut a huge pine tree into four pieces and, using a back hoe, planted them as the bases of the four feet. Then, over nine days and using dozens of volunteers, the ersatz sculpture began taking shape. A splintered two-by-four here, the rotted belly of a guitar there, half a ladder from a child's bunk bed here, Boland and his volunteers worked under basic ground rules: No saws, no rulers and no materials other than what was in the scrap pile. Also, anything nailed into place couldn't be removed. And nothing was to be level or plumb. What emerged from the random carpentry was a Smithsonian-sized slice of roadside Americana. "It's an interesting piece of art, but personally, I don't find it all that appealing," said neighbor Mary Wilson, 54, who lives down the street and wishes it could be removed. On the poster Boland circulated to seek volunteers, "it looked pretty neat. But when you look at it now, it looks like a messy piece of art." Dirk Koppers, 40, who lives next door to Wilson, said he loves it. "It shows such creativity. You just don't go to places and be surprised anymore. Everything's always so controlled or so governed." Speaking of which, government officials are not amused. The Town of Thetford told Boland his sculpture was really a structure (akin to a shed or a gazebo) and that he needed a $272 permit for it. The state Division of Fire Safety, meanwhile, told Boland that if he couldn't get a structural engineer to attest to the sculpture's safety, he could not allow people to congregate underneath it. Boland has since wound a strap around the legs to keep people from walking under the belly of the beast. "There's enough weight there that if it collapsed, somebody would probably be hurt," said Michael Desrochers, regional manager for the Division of Fire Safety. The Vermont Natural Resources Board weighed in with a notice of alleged violation that said the wooden dinosaur was a substantial change to an existing development and may therefore need another permit, at a minimum of $150, under an ultra-restrictive state land-use law called Act 250. The state will decide this week if such a permit is required, according to Boolie Sluka, District 2 assistant coordinator for the Board. Boland says he's been told he might have to dismantle it entirely. In the interim, he has won cheers from passers-by, some of whom drive up to take pictures. It was an onlooker from Boston who dubbed it "Vermontasaurus," which Boland has adopted as the structure's name. On Thursday, Peg Perkins, 77, of Gaysville (yes, a real city), and cousin Diana LeClair, 59, of Hardwick, pulled up next to it, cameras in hand. "It's very, very ingenious," said LeClair. I like it. I hope it gets to stay. When I visit Vermont for the first time, I hope I get my picture taken with Vermontasaurus. I think Ben & Jerry should step in and help out, maybe a tie-in with a local flavor or something, like the Vermonster. I think they’re done with my suggestions though. I told them to help Save the Tatas a few years back with a special human mother’s milk ice cream…and for some reason, they said it wasn’t cost effective. I worked out the kinks in my plan…and then I found out what a cease & desist order was. I’m sure they’re nice guys and it’s all lawyer communication… but hey, this is a little easier. Save up donations with the factory tours there in Vermont for a few weeks…and anything more than the $272 permit costs for Vermontasaurus, donate to the Susan Komen foundation. There, free fundraising advice from Dr Love. You’re welcome.

REAL Killer Whale - Scientists have discovered an ancient whale whose bite ripped huge chunks of flesh out of other whales about 12 million years ago… and the best part, they've named it after the author of "Moby-Dick." The prehistoric sperm whale grew to between 13 and 18 meters (up to 60 feet) long, not unusual by today's standards. But unlike modern sperm whales, Leviathan melvillei, named for Herman Melville, sported vicious, tusk-like teeth some 36 centimeters (14 inches) long. The ancient beast evidently dined on other whales, researchers said in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature. They report finding a skull of the beast in a Peruvian desert. The researchers named it in tribute to the 19th-century author and his classic tale of the great white whale, which includes frequent digressions on natural history that punctuate the action…yet perhaps now prove prophetic. "There is a chapter about fossils," one of the paper's authors, Olivier Lambert of the Natural History Museum in Paris, said. "Melville even mentions some of the fossils that I studied for my PhD thesis." Anthony Friscia, a paleontologist at UCLA, who wasn't involved in the discovery, said scattered finds of huge fossilized teeth had long hinted at the ancient whale's existence. But without a skull to fit them in, the creature's shape, size and feeding habits remained a mystery. "The fact that they have found the entire jaw — well, almost the entire skull — is what's pretty unprecedented," he said. Friscia said the ancient beasts "were the killer whales of their time, although on a much grander scale. They were close to the biggest things around." Friscia also said he thought the choice of a name was fantastic. "You gotta love any time you get a nod to literature in taxonomy. It was a big whale, so why not?" Not so sure about mixing allegorical tales with my vicious gargantuan bloodthirsty prehistoric beasts… but hey, I hear Jurassic Park was a book once. (FYI – I did actually read both Moby Dick AND Jurassic Park back in the day) Anyway, just wanted to nerd out real quick.

That’ll do it for today. I hope this proved educational and entertaining for you. If so, let me know. If not, please leave comments as to how I can make this blog better…and then kindly go tell somebody who cares. Softball tonight. What? That’s right, it’s Tuesday nights now, which frees up my Wednesdays for basketball in Incline Village if I so choose. Yay summer! Have a great day everybody!!!

RIP Manute Bol

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm not going to lie. Not a whole lot to talk about personally...other than the usual uncertainty...and I don't want to jinx anything else...so I'll just go right into the news...

Manute Bol Dies – A few years ago, I shared with you one of my favorite stories in sports, a lithe 7-foot-7 shot-blocker from Sudan who spent 10 seasons in the NBA and was dedicated to humanitarian work in Africa named Manute Bol. Unfortunately, he passed away on Saturday at the age of 47. Bol died at the University of Virginia Hospital in Charlottesville, where he was being treated for severe kidney trouble and a painful skin condition, Tom Prichard, executive director of the group Sudan Sunrise, said in an e-mail. “Sudan and the world have lost a hero and an example for all of us. Manute, we’ll miss you. Our prayers and best wishes go out to all his family, and all who mourn his loss.” Bol played in the NBA with Washington, Golden State, Philadelphia and Miami, averaging 2.6 points, 4.2 rebounds and 3.3 blocks for his career. He led the league in blocks in 1985-86 with Washington (5.0 per game) and in 1988-89 with Golden State (4.3 a game). “Manute’s impact on this city, our franchise and the game of basketball cannot be put into words,” 76ers president and general manager Ed Stefanski said in a statement. “He … was continually giving of himself through his generosity and humanitarian efforts in order to make the world around him a much better place, for which he will always be remembered.” Bol joined the NBA with Washington in 1985 and played three seasons there (actually teamed up with 5-3 “Muggsy” Bogues, the shortest player in NBA history). He returned to the team briefly toward the end of his career. The Wizards lauded him as a “true humanitarian and an ambassador for the sport of basketball.” “Despite his accomplishments on the court, his lasting legacy will be the tireless work and causes he promoted in his native Sudan and the cities in which he played,” the club said in a statement. After the NBA, Bol worked closely as an advisory board member of Sudan Sunrise, which promotes reconciliation in Sudan. Over the years, he has been a prisoner by refugee forces in Sudan, been involved in a major car accident, and Bol was hospitalized in mid-May during a stopover in Washington after returning to the United States from Sudan. Prichard said then that Bol was in Sudan to help build a school in conjunction with Sudan Sunrise but stayed longer than anticipated after the president of southern Sudan asked him to make election appearances and use his influence to counter corruption in the county. He said Bol had undergone three dialysis treatments and developed Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, a condition that caused him to lose patches of skin. Prichard said the skin around Bol’s mouth was so sore he went 11 days without eating and could barely talk. Prichard said it’s believed Bol contracted the skin disease as a reaction to kidney medication he took while in Africa. Janis Ricker, operations manager of Sudan Sunrise, said Saturday the organization will continue its work building the school in Bol’s home village in southern Sudan. She said Bol’s goal was to build 41 schools throughout Sudan. I know last time I brought him up I asked you all to donate to his Ring One organization…but let’s go with Sudan Sunrise this time. Let’s help open a few dozen schools in the Sudan. If everybody who reads this blog gives ten bucks, then we could raise enough to buy a hammer & a few nails to start the first school. Then you tell your friends about Manute Bol, and they tell their friends, and so on, and so on…and before you know it, the Dr Love School may be opening up in Manute’s home village ready to teach the next generation of gigantic, skinny humanitarians and make the world a better place. How awesome would that be? My condolences go out to Manute’s family and all the lives that he has touched over the years.

Denver / Perky Cups Update – It’s time for a mood changer. Remember the cleverness of Perky Cups coffee & their advertising? Well, the suburban Denver coffee shop whose bikini-clad baristas prompted a boycott…and has now closed its doors. Perky Cups was evicted from its home in an Aurora shopping center for failing to pay rent and for violating terms of the lease, including operating outside the shop's premises (probably because there was a line around the block). Owner Jason Bernal sent women wearing bikinis onto city streets to advertise the shop (and get hit on by gentlemen). That prompted City Councilwoman Molly Markert (aka cockblocker) and at least 30 other people to sign a petition last month calling for a boycott of the shop and other businesses in the same shopping center. Bernal says he's relieved the shop has closed because of problems he's had with the landlord (hiring their daughter?). He plans to open a new location in the coming weeks. Landlord Greg Coleman wouldn't say how much money Bernal owed because their dispute is now in court. At least he’ll be able to open a new location. What the hell, Denver? I used to remember you being pretty cool. I’d say to bring a franchise out here to Truckee but…perky is not the best choice of word when winter sets in over here. Still, you’d be the place to go to warm up on a frigid winter night. Great place to get a Cup of Joe & a Peek at Joan.

Tigers in Toronto - A "delightful" Bengal tiger named Jonas, and two camels named Todd and Sean, have gone missing in eastern Canada after thieves drove off with the truck and trailer in which they were traveling. The three animals, en route to the Bowmanville Zoo on the outskirts of Toronto, were stolen, along with the vehicles, after their driver stopped for the night in the French-speaking province of Quebec, zoo director Michael Hackenberger said. "Our concern is that the animals were last watered at 11 o'clock at night and so that's over 12 hours ago, and the fact that it's turning into a very hot day up here in Canada means that unless the trailer is appropriately ventilated they could absolutely be compromised," Hackenberger told Reuters. Okay, just to interrupt, a hot day in Canada, is probably like 75-80 degrees this time of year…and we’re talking about a Bengal tiger…and two camels. You would think a zoo director would know more about their natural climates. Speaking by cell phone as he raced toward Quebec with medical supplies for when the animals are found, he added: "It's like an amber alert, the longer it lasts the less likely you are to get the animals back." That’s right, parents. He just compared your children to zoo animals. Send him your hate mail. Hackenberger described all three animals as "delightful" and friendly, and said the camels, used as ride animals at the zoo, were like good-natured horses. He said Jonas, who weighs in at around 400 pounds (180 kg), was trained and friendly and was locked behind several doors in an internal cage in the trailer. "But he is still a tiger," he cautioned. The animals could die of dehydration unless they get water soon, he said. Hackenberger said he did not believe thieves had targeted the animals, and the region where the trailer was stolen has had other similar vehicle thefts. "I don't think the thieves had any clue about what was inside," he said. Can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they find out though. Maybe it’s all off-shoot of those French art thieves & bank robbers that I’ve been following for the past few months. “What do you think it is, Jean-Pierre? Gold? Matisse paintings?” “If it’s anything like it smells it’s probably raw unearthed stones…enough talk, let’s find out.” “AH CAMELS!!! Cover your eyes, they spit!!!” “Whew… that was close. Wait, camels? Do you know what this means? Whatever’s in the box…is the property of some oil baron sheikh.” “Oh, I don’t know, Francois. Why would a sheikh have anything to do with Quebec?” “He must be a cultured man of the world. Hand me that crow bar.” And pieces of the thieves are found several days later as a well-fed tiger is introduced into the Great White North. May God have mercy on us all. We may have to send in some hunters to track Rajah down. Where will we ever find somebody with that kind of skill set? To track a tiger…in the harsh Canadian wilderness?

Mosquito Catching Contest – Probably not in Estonia. The mosquito population of Estonia is a little smaller after the Baltic state hosted its first mosquito-catching championship. A total of 37 participants gathered in a field in the city of Tartu and were given 10 minutes to catch as many mosquitoes as possible in a small, designated area. The competition rules did not state whether the collected mosquitoes had to be dead or alive (“The only good bug is a dead bug”) and competitors could work alone or in teams of three. "We have many mosquitoes and we must fight them somehow, so we decided to organize a mosquito-catching championship," said the event's organizer, Triinu Akkermann. One competitor, Jevgeny Serov, had a plan worked out in the lead-up to the contest. "We will warm up so we will start sweating a little then I will stand with bare hands and feet and my wife and daughter will pick mosquitoes off me," he told Reuters Television. But the winner of the first prize (a sailing trip on Estonia's Lake Peipus) was Rauno Luksepp who caught 38 mosquitoes but accumulated as many bites in the process. The idea of the contest came from Finland where there have been mosquito-catching championships in the past. I like the idea…and hope it grows exponentially. There’s nothing like a good competition slapping contest in Eastern Europe. I kinda liked Jevgeny’s (feel free to call him Big J if you have trouble with that name) plan of getting all sweaty and standing naked in a field as women pluck mosquitoes off your body. That’d probably be my plan. Only not with family members. “AH!!! They’re going for the moneymaker!!! Quick, getemgetemgetem… RAAAH!!! Don’t slap at ‘em when they’re on my junk, Sasha!!! No!!! No time to kiss it better. We’ve only got ten minutes. Focus!!! Veronika, you’re on ravine detail. They seem to like the equator.”

No Soup for You - Authorities arrested a Pennsylvania man who allegedly tried to smuggle more than four pounds of cocaine through Dulles International Airport using powdered soup packets. Customs and Border Protection officers arrested the man after he arrived on board a flight from El Salvador on Thursday. Authorities said a customs dog identified the man as carrying drugs (“That’s him! Get him guys!”). When authorities opened the soup packets the drugs were hidden and they found some still contained rice. It isn't the first time authorities at the airport have seen creative smugglers. Last year officers found heroin in juice boxes and cocaine in cooked chicken…which I’m sure was headed right to the coolest f**king 6th birthday party EVER!!! Dang, I guess that thwarts my ideas of smuggling in Crystal Light packets. “This makes my face feel funny.” “That’s because it’s raising your metabolism and flushing out the toxins in your body. By the way, that’ll be $60 for that packet & don’t drive or operate heavy machinery for at least two hours.”

Text Driving – What’s worse than driving on Crystal Light? Texting & driving. But parents, if you're about to warn your teenager about the dangers of texting or talking on the phone while driving, a new report suggests you look in the mirror first. A study released Friday by The Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project (surprise, something with that name is based in San Francisco) says adults and teenagers are equally likely to have texted while driving…and adults are more likely to have chatted on their phones while driving (probably to their children who don’t have their own car). The study found that 47% of adults who text reported sending or reading texts while behind the wheel. In a 2009 Pew study, a lower number (34%) of 16- and 17-year-olds who send texts said that they did that while driving. Because not everyone has a phone or sends texts, the report said the findings indicate that 27% of all U.S. adults have sent or read texts while driving and 26% of all U.S. 16- and 17-year-olds have (admittedly) done so. The study also found that adults are much more likely to chat on their phones while driving: 75% of adults with mobile phones said they talked and drove, while 52% of teenagers with cell phones said they did so in last year's study. That would translate into a finding that 61% of all U.S. adults talk on the phone while driving, while the 2009 study indicates that 43% of all 16- and 17-year-olds do likewise. Mary Madden, a senior research specialist for Pew and the study's lead author, said that while many educational efforts that emphasize the dangers of distracted driving have targeted teens, the findings show a need to educate adults, too. "I think all of us can identify with that temptation to stay connected during those idle moments in the car. ... The reality is, even if the car isn't moving, a delayed response to a green light or at a stop sign can still result in an accident," she said. The Pew study didn't take into account that some drivers may be using hands-free devices such as Bluetooth headsets when they talk and drive, but Madden pointed out that simply having a conversation can be a distraction. Even when not driving, adults are still engrossed in their phones: The study said that 17% of adults who have cell phones reported walking into other people or things because they were so busy using their phones to text or chat. The survey used telephone interviews with 2,252 adults between April 29 and May 30. It has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.4% points. So what’s my point? I don’t have one. I’m updating this thing from my cell phone as I cruise Donner Pass at 85 miles an hour. I’m a hypocrite. Okay, I guess it really is…please don’t text & drive. It’s up there with drinking & driving. I’ve lost too many friends & family members to drinking and/or driving. I only like wearing my black tux to weddings (and the occasional dinner party). If it’s really that important that you text (like directions that should’ve been sent to you hours ago, we’ve all been there) then please, just pull over to the shoulder.

Mannequin 3: Out to Sea – So what if my idea for a feasible sequel to the “Mannequin” movies has yet to be filmed? Seriously, if I had a superhot woman who loved me…but turned into a mannequin every time somebody else saw her, I would trade in all my worldly possessions for a houseboat and you would never see my silly ass again (and for the plot twist and conflict, of course there has to be pirates). Anyway, a reported "mummified" body on an abandoned boat in the Florida Keys turned out to be a mannequin. The Monroe County Sheriff's Office says a young couple spotted what they thought was a dead body in an abandoned boat off Sugarloaf Key on Saturday night. They said it appeared to be mummified (wrapped in toilet paper?). The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission sent a boat to take deputies to the scene. They found only a mannequin on the boat — no human remains were on board. Andrew McCartney was taken in for questioning but later released. Okay, that last sentence was a lie…but funny to one or two of you out there…and therefore well worth it.

Fox Update – Speaking of movies I’d watch and/or make, here’s the latest Fox update. Now, I’m sure you’ve all heard that she and her fiancé Brian Austin Green (yes, that guy from 90210) are officially engaged…and now she’s saying that they always were engaged…and that what we had meant nothing to her other than a hot, passionate friendly tryst…but there’s news that’s much more interesting to me & my selective concept of reality. Now that Megan Fox has moved on from her days as Mikaela Banes in Michael Bay’s “Transformers” franchise (in which she was replaced within 48 hours by somebody with absolutely no acting experience other than “faking it”), it seems she’s ready to show us the true extent of her acting abilities. FOXNews.com (so you know it’s great journalism & completely unbiased with a firm sense of reality) reported on Monday that her dream role is a Native American lesbian comic book superhero (funny, I was thinking the same thing). Fox, an avid comic book fan, told FOXNews.com at last week’s premiere of her new film “Jonah Hex” that “I don’t want people to protest this, but I would like to be [Sarah] Rainmaker in ‘Gen 13‘ if they ever made that into a movie.” Apache born, Rainmaker is a fictional superhero from the "Gen 13" comic series who possesses the superpower of manipulating weather and the water with her thoughts, as well as having an innate aptitude for combat tactics. When not forced to fight supervillians, the peace-seeking activist, who was revealed as a lesbian in the second issue of the ongoing series (boioioioioioing!), spends her spare time leading protests on an array of issues, as well as preaching political correctness to her teammates (including the mighty Apache Chief and African-American Panther). But despite her fair complexion and light eyes, Fox is confident that physically transforming into Rainmaker is definitely doable. “She’s a Native American and I have a little bit of that blood in me. It would be a bit of a stretch -- but if Jake Gyllenhaal can be the Prince of Persia, I think that I can do that.” Definitely. And if you need a fellow mighty fair-skinned warrior with a little Ottawa blood & the ability to control the weather by your side, I’d like to introduce you to $teve Comes With A Thunder. Oh yeah, Sarah Rainmaker’s totally bi in my movie. Can’t alienate certain demographics. Anyway, I’m just gonna… drift off for a second. Hold all my calls.

Whew, that should do it for tonight. Tomorrow, I think I have a softball game…but I have no idea the time…and if not, I’ll probably go play some hoops while listening to some music at the park (we have our free summer concert series now a few blocks from my house). Tonight, probably the same without music. Starting to realize how much I miss playing basketball…but it’s just difficult to find people to play with and/or against…but hey, that’s what an imagination is for, right? Play a game with all my make-believe playmates. That’s safe for a man approaching thirty, right? Anyway, have a great day everybody!!!

Return of $teve Comes with a Thunder

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So…after voicing my little thought the other day about wandering the Earth, I found that a few people may be down for the journey. My brothers from another mother, Isaiah and Andy, were both down with the idea…and I know they would seriously do it too. They’d be great assets too. Isaiah was in the Army for a few years, and Andy’s a rapper / entertainer. The Wingmans also joined in. My mom was down with the idea when I told her…but apparently she thought I meant moving to Thailand to grow poppies or live off the land like an agricultural tribe or a Mormon compound or something, rather than a nomadic colony of gypsies. Once she found out about the walking, she said she’d live vicariously through my blog. So we shall see. I don’t know. It just reminds me of a little news article I read a few years back (okay, it was an email that may or may not have been true…but shhhh…) where an elderly Indian Chief by the name of Two Eagles (no tribe given, which indicated it may be false) was asked by a government official, “You’ve observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done. Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” He replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver (giggidy!), clean water. Women did all the work, medicine man free, men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex. Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.” Am I right?

I’m not going to lie. I’ve considered running off to a reservation to learn their ways…but I’m afraid that most of those ways are long gone. “$teve Comes with a Thunder, to become a true Moapa warrior, you must hunt & kill a buffalo using only weapons that you have made from your bare hands.” “Chief Horse Rock, I have fashioned this spear and my blade with my bare hands, my horse Breaking Water is ready to ride, but are there any buffalo left here in the Nevada desert? Where might I find them in this harsh terrain?” “We have heard rumors of them in the land of Yellowstone.” “F**k. Those rangers are gonna be a hassle.” One thing’s for sure though, some lucky tourists are gonna have some amazing video to show to their families. “So the buffalo were just sitting there grazing, right? And then the herd starts rustling…and this guy, like 8 feet tall, comes flying at them on his horse, all painted up like a centaur rolled in an easel, chucks the spear at one, it stumbles a bit, then he literally pounces on its back, pulls out his knife, I think he stabbed it in the neck, they both fall. It quiet for a second, then he stands up, the buffalo’s still alive, he does this… I don’t know if it was a prayer or what, stabs the buffalo a few more times and then, I think he yelled “KAAAAAHN!!!” at the top of his lungs. I’ve got it all on video.” “That’s cool, man. We should watch it.” “Yeah, the weird thing was…after he cleaned the carcass & strapped it to his horse, he rode by the road, stopped by our RV, jumped off the horse, still covered in blood sweat dirt and only a loincloth that didn’t even cover all his junk, he looks at me and says ‘I am a Man’ then he grabbed my sister & her friend, took them into the RV and…well, she hasn’t walked right since…or stopped smiling.” “Dude, that’s gross. All that blood and stuff?” “Actually, from what she says, they showered together first to clean up, then she says her memory gets fuzzy after that…and she tends to drift off into a daydream thinking about it. They didn’t put up a fight. Weirdest thing, she speaks Portuguese or something now.” What can I say? My mind tends to wander. Anyway, so yeah, to be continued…

Yesterday, I participated in Truckee Clean Up Day, where the townspeople go around and clean up the streets and parks and stuff of all the litter and various trash from the winter. My section was around the Northstar Ski Resort...and the vast majority of what I found along the roads where alcohol-related and car parts. Not sure if there's a direct correlation between the two...but I assume it was the passengers throwing out the bottles of booze (hopefully). After that was a Block Party with live music and free burgers & hot dogs for those who participated. I met a few nice people at the table and we discussed how cool Truckee is (they'd lived here for 30 years) and we even danced a little bit to...what was basically the soundtrack to "Jungle Book" which thanks to Kairi, I now know and love because I've heard her singing and dancing to it. That little girl's gonna be a heartbreaker. Oh...and I saw my first bear...

After the party, I went to Reno to get some groceries and a haircut. I kinda flirted with the stylist because...well, she's was kinda cute and what the hell else was I going to do with a cute girl running her fingers through my hair? "Wow, your hair is so thick. I could just play with it all day." "(I've got something else thick you could play with all day...but it's not nearly as soft & pliable)" "Haha, did you just think something dirty?" "Ugh...no?" "What do you want me to do with the back?" "(Bring it over here so I can smack it up, flip it, rub it down, OH NOOOOO!!!)" Anyway, nothing came of it. Half because I'm a pussy & half because she didn't really seem to be digging me. I can't read women. I just enjoy the pictures. So yeah, eventually made it down to the Lake to get some grub and enjoy a sunset. I went to my favorite place because I was in need of a mood elevator. Well, I got there...and there were two guys down there...and they signaled me down and offered me a beer. "Sure." So I go introduce myself to Eric & Nick Deez. Through our conversation, this was also their "favorite spot in all of Nevada" which is a bold statement given Vegas...but I have to agree. We shot the sh*t and just enjoyed the sunset. Apparently I'm "a pretty cool guy" but hey, these guys were the ones that cheered me up with a kind brew and a few laughs. Inspired by sailboats passing by, we talked about partying on a boat...and of course, T-Pain. "I'm on a BOAT!!!" Here are some pictures...

Anyway, after that, I went to the Tourist Club in downtown for a drink or two and try to meet people...but it was a sausage fest...so after a few beers I walked home. Hey, I'm trying to meet people. Honestly I am. Sigh... oh well, enough about my saturday. Here's some news...

Denver Update – One stop on my journey was through the Mile High City of Denver last year. Looking back, Denver was okay…but it wasn’t where I wanted to stay. I know that now. Being laid off was a blessing in disguise…because now I’m here in Tahoe…and even when I’m lonely (and contemplating hermitude, which is a word I just made up I think) it’s great, fun & gorgeous here. Anyway, Denver. Sculptures outside Denver International Airport already include a 30-foot-tall, rearing blue mustang with glowing red eyes, nicknamed "Bluecifer" by snickering locals. Now the airport has another statue: a 26-foot tall replica of the Egyptian god of the dead. Workers erected the seven-ton replica of Anubis on Wednesday next to the main terminal to promote an upcoming King Tut exhibit at the Denver Art Museum (which is pretty good for an art museum). The statue has promoted the exhibit in other cities too. It's not far from the sculpture of the blue horse called "Mustang," by Luis Jimenez. Wanna hear something creepy? The artist was killed in 2006 when a large piece of the sculpture fell on him in his studio. Airport officials say Anubis will stay only through the summer…and then move on before Bluecifer kills again. So the airport has a new creepy statue warning passers by of the dance with death that they are about to embark upon. Sometimes I think that the Denver Airport wants to fail. Years ago it was “Hey, instead of having an airport conveniently located to downtown, let’s put it about 45 minute into butt-lovin’ nowhere so that anybody who wants to use, has to pay for a bunch of gas, parking & $5 for a Whopper if they’re hungry.” Yet they still came in hordes, so then it was “How about we scare kids off with this devil horse statue with flaming eyes?” Now it’s “Let’s turn into Revenge of the Mummy” and the next logical step…is just to turn the security check into the lair of the Holy Grail from “Indiana Jones & the Lost Crusade” or something. “What does this sign say? All liquids must be in a container no larger than 3 ounces. He who carries a container larger than 3 ounces must kneel before Christ. KNEEL!!!” SCHINK!!! (that’s the sound of a blade barely missing your head as you fall to the ground by the way) So yeah, don’t miss Denver much. Mostly my apartment on the 34th floor & my cousin Ranae.

Bullfighting – Speaking of decapitation, I want to thank the great $teve of the Colbert Nation for telling me about this story in his appropriately named segment “That’s the Craziest F**king Thing I’ve Ever Heard” a few days back. Top Spanish matador Julio Aparicio left the hospital on Friday two weeks after he was gored through the throat during a bullfight before a packed arena in Madrid. Dressed in a blue suit, the 41-year-old waved to well-wishers outside of Madrid's October 12 Hospital but was unable to speak and used gestures to try to answer journalists' questions. Asked if he felt it was a miracle that he was alive, Aparicio kissed his hand and looked up while pointing at the sky. A spokesman said it was not clear how long it will take for Aparicio to make a full recovery but he added that the matador hopes to return to the ring this year (really?). Aparicio was taken to hospital in life-threatening condition on May 21 after the half-ton bull jabbed one of its horns through Aparicio's chin and back out of his mouth at Madrid's Las Ventas bullring. He underwent surgery to reconstruct his jaw, tongue and the roof of his mouth and was placed on a ventilator for several days before finally recovering the ability to breathe on his own. The matador comes from a well-known bullfighting family and he was one of the top draws at the San Isidro bullfighting festival held each May at the 25,000-seat Las Ventas arena in the Spanish capital. The injury happened as he was attempting the faena, a series of passes in which he uses his cape and sword before delivering the death blow to the bull…but the bull wasn’t falling for that sh*t. GORE!!! MORE GORE!!! People may think this is a horrible accident and should never have happened but…isn’t this exactly why you watch bullfighting? Because THIS might happen? You don’t go to watch a flamboyantly dress Spaniard and a bull dance. You go to see them fight…and not even a fair one by any stretch of the imagination. It’s like an 80-year old deaf, blind, dumb & restrained ninja going against an angry girl with a machine gun. You know which side you’re betting on…but once in a while, the broken watch has the correct time and GORE!!! I’d like to say I feel sorry for Senor Aparicio…but I really don’t. Do you think he got the worst of it? The bull’s corpse has been processed by now…and that was going to happen whether he got his sweet revenge or not. This is why I like bullfighting. You can’t even pull the BS NASCAR excuse of “I like watching the expert driving” when you know damn well you just want to see a crash or two. What can you say with bullfighting? “I like to ugh…check out the outfits and ugh…watch ‘em dance around a bit.” Yeah, that’s butch.

Miss Ellie – Speaking of disfigurement, Miss Ellie, a small, bug-eyed Chinese Crested Hairless dog whose pimples and lolling tongue helped her win Animal Planet's "World's Ugliest Dog" contest in 2009, has died at age 17 after a career in resort show business in the Smoky Mountains (wait, run that by me again). The Mountain Press reported Thursday that Ellie starred in shows at the Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. She also appeared on The Animal Planet cable show "Dogs 101" and was on billboards and in a commercial. That’s right. This ugly f**king dog is more famous than you are. How does that make you feel? Oh wait, it gets better. Pigeon Forge Mayor Keith Whaley proclaimed November 12th as "Miss Ellie Day" for her owner's efforts to raise money for the local humane society. Over the years, Ellie helped raise more than $100,000 for the Sevier County Humane Society. She will be cremated. Probably a good thing because she looks like she could easily come back as a zombie. “Oh $teve, you’re so heartless. Making fun of somebody’s beloved puppy.” I know. I apologize to the owners of Miss Ellie as I know they’re probably heartbroken about their loss. I was trying to make a little levity out of the situation. It’s my own defense mechanism because I’m too scared to face my own mortality. Please don’t let my shortcomings cause you any grief. True beauty’s on the inside anyway. You know that I believe that. Then again, I’m not the one that entered her into a contest for the World’s Ugliest Dog…and then upon winning the contest, paraded her on billboards & got her a gig at a comedy club. I’m just saying, I think the owners have a sense of humor about it too. But still, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Also, a big shout-out to all of our dogs out there who ain’t with us anymore – Bogi, Sam, Zurich, X, Bronto, Ben, I’m pouring a little Cristal in your bowl for ya. Hope you like it. Miss Ellie, I’ll buy you a drink too. Sorry about the jokes.

Too Good Looking? – Is there really such a thing? And if so, would I be strong enough to witness it? I’ve experienced some beautiful creatures out there who have shook me to my very core & left me weeping like the world’s ugliest dog (sorry Miss Ellie, I’ll stop now) but TOO good looking? Well, a woman in New York has sued Citigroup Inc, accusing the bank of firing her for being too good-looking. Court records show the bank believes the lawsuit should be dismissed, or else sent to arbitration. Debrahlee Lorenzana alleged that management had warned her not to dress like her female co-workers because her "shapeliness" upset her "easily distracted" male colleagues and supervisors. The lawsuit was filed in November 2009. It received new attention after The Village Voice published an article about the 33-year-old, 5-foot-6 (1.68-m), 125-pound (57-kg) Lorenzana. Lorenzana and her lawyer Jack Tuckner were not available to comment on Thursday. According to the complaint, soon after beginning work in September 2008 at a Citibank branch in Manhattan's Chrysler building, Lorenzana was advised by supervisors not to wear turtlenecks, pencil skirts and fitted suits because her figure made such attire "too distracting" for male workers to bear. Really? I’ve got to see this. Lorenzana said management told her that female co-workers were not similarly told what to wear because their "general unattractiveness rendered moot their sartorial choices." Efforts to dress down did not end management's complaints, the single mother told the Voice. SINGLE MOTHER? Why haven’t we been introduced on eHarmony? Oh yeah, New York. "I could have worn a paper bag, and it would not have mattered," she said. It must suck to be beautiful. After complaining about her treatment, Lorenzana said she was transferred to a Rockefeller Centre branch but given a remote desk that made it difficult to sign up customers (“Nobody puts Baby in the corner”). Lorenzana was fired in August 2009, for reasons including "inappropriate" attire and a failure to meet new account quotas, the complaint said. Citigroup rejected Lorenzana's allegations. "Her termination was solely performance-based and not at all related to her appearance or attire (or that she wouldn’t go out with me). We are confident that when all of the facts and documentation are presented, the claim will be dismissed." The lawsuit was filed in the New York State Supreme Court in Manhattan. It seeks lost pay, compensatory and punitive damages, along with other remedies. Oh to be a judge in that courtroom. “Your Honor, Miss Lorenzana’s claims are completely ridiculous and I can’t believe that her case has reached the Supreme Court. As you can tell from the documentation provided, her work performance was below average and…your Honor?” “Hmm, what? I’m sorry I was ugh… (mumbles) mmm I’d show her a thing or two about the penal system.” “Your Honor?” “WHAT?” “Can you please focus on the case?” “Well, f**k man… just look at her!!! How can I be expected to listen to you blah blah blah when I can just focus on (mumbles) all the ways I’d stimulate every single nerve on that caramel bodice…” “The defense moves for a…” “The defense can move its ass out of my courtroom. Bailiff!!!” Well, I hope for Justice. Whatever that may be. I don’t know the facts. I’m not a judge. I’m a doctor. And it may be time for Miss Lorenzana’s checkup. I don't know. She's obviously gorgeous...but too good looking? If so, I'm sure that we can find a position for you where I work. Giggidy.

Snow White - With Tim Burton's new take on "Alice in Wonderland" proving such a hit this year, fairy tale films are coming back in style and now "Rush Hour" director Brett Ratner is setting up a new adaptation of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" over at Relativity Media reports Deadline. This new take, entitled simply "Snow White", is being penned by Melisa Wallack ("Meet Bill") and sounds like it will be closer in tone to the original Grimm Brothers stories than Disney's toddler-friendly 1938 animated adaptation. Ratner says "Melisa went back to the 500 year old folk tale and put in some of the things that were missing from Walt Disney's film. His dwarves were miners, and here they are robbers. There is also a dragon that was in the original folk tale. Walt made one of the great movies of all time, but ours is edgy and there is more comedy. The original, made for its time, was soft compared to what we're going to do." I like it. Did you know that aside from Disney, at least half a dozen adaptations of "Snow White" have been made over the years? Me neither…but apparently Ratner's idea sounds like it'll be halfway between the Disney film and the Michael Cohn-directed 1997 feature "Snow White: A Tale of Terror", a gothic horror interpretation which scored Sigourney Weaver both an Emmy and a SAG nomination for her performance. What’s that? Oh you’re intrigued about a horror flick about Snow White starring Sigourney Weaver? Of course you are. So am I. Now I have to find it too. Well, I’ve found the trailer. Enjoy…



Laetitia Casta in 3D – What’s better than a Victoria’s Secret model? How about one in 3D? Model/actress Laetitia Casta ("Luisa Sanfelice," "Asterix & Obelix vs. Caesar") will star in the upcoming French 3D fantasy/suspense film "Behind The Walls" reports Variety. Set in 1922, the very Victorian Gothic-sounding story centers on a young novelist who moves to a creepy small village to write a book and falls victim to terrifying hallucinations and nightmares. Pascal Sid and Julien Lacombe will direct the $5 million budget feature which will be shot in stereoscopic 3D and is scheduled for release early next year. Pre-production sketches from the project can be found at FilmsActu. Casta recently scored raves for her portrayal of Brigitte Bardot in Joann Sfar's Serge Gainsbourg biopic which opened in France back in January. Who knew that she could act too? I’m intrigued. Are you? What? You want more pictures? Okay…

Well, that'll do it for today. Again, big thanks to everybody out there for supporting my dream of going Kerouac on everybody's ass and roaming the planet in search of... whatever's out there. Who knows? Maybe by some divine intervention, the circumstances will arrive where that becomes a likely scenario...and then I'm gone for a bit. I'll keep you posted though. Have a great weekend everybody!!!