Dr Love's Irritated Voice

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night, Tracy interviewed a potential roommate… and she’s French… but she was also two days off the plane & we were her first stop so we’ll see how that goes. I wasn’t there but she was apparently very nice. That night, Jackie D & I had pulled pork sandwiches for the third time in a week & watched some TV shows on Netflix & drank a few beers. That’s really about it.

Saturday, I woke up pretty early to A) Get a fine haircut, possibly something drastic to break in my San Franciscan existence; B) Get an oil change for Gretchen for our road trip next weekend; C) Get some portraits done for my mom because she’s been hassling me for months to get it done. Normally I would say that I could get ALL THREE done at Walmart and done with it, right? Not this time. First, I was determined to have a real “stylist” look at my hair, my face, my whole package… and then give me some great suggestions on what to go with… because I’ve really never done ANYTHING with my hair other than wash, rinse & occasionally comb (and those highlights last March that few people noticed). So I asked around work… and I was recommended Diva International down by my bus stop. Perfect! Well, Friday night, they didn’t have any openings, so I went Saturday morning. I parked at a meter, with a maximum of one hour allowed. Keep this in mind… as I think you know where this is going later on.

I get to Diva (named after the owner who is a big wig in the industry apparently, as she was just in Singapore on her way to Italy for a show, but this is her home base) and am greeted by a man, who is very nice and offered me an espresso while I waited… as he would do about a dozen times during my tenure there. He asked me if it was my first time… and this might’ve been a bad sign from the get-go, or maybe I take better care of my hair than I lead on. After chit-chat, I’m paired up with a man and I explain my situation, ask his advice on what I should do… and it’s basically “Well, I like what you have going on here already, it’s a very good look for you. Basically I would shorten it up a bit, feather out some of the extra hair, and then maybe some highlights to blend out the grey hairs.” I instantly thought “I should’ve just gone to Wal-Mart if this is your suggestion” but I said let’s go with it. Loooong story short, it was literally one of those things where he would cut 3-4 hairs at a time, then taking a few steps back to look at it from afar, then swoop back in, very time consuming… and comical to me. So two hours later, I’m paying $120 for a haircut & highlights (and made sure to get some free products to try out) and then praying that the meter maids had better things to do on a Saturday. They didn’t… so I got a $65 parking ticket too because I didn’t want to run a few blocks out of the way with a formula burning highlights into my hair. Lesson learned – Don’t believe the hype. Already found another place that does just as good as haircuts for $10 that another coworker’s husband uses… and it makes me wonder what kind of paycheck the coworker who recommended this place is taking home.

After that, I felt light as a feather (thanks to my wallet’s contents being lifted from me) so I drove to Oakland to get an oil change & hopefully take some portraits… but alas, there is no portrait studio at that Wal-Mart, so I basically went all the way out to Oakland for an oil change & Quizno’s. Awesome. When I got back home, Bubbles said that she wasn’t feeling well (sick, not hung over this time) and she wanted to get some pho… with me… because apparently I’m her pho buddy as well as drinking buddy and any other kind of buddy out there. So we went to Pho Garden, a new place, and it was delicious. After pho, she started having a migraine, so I offered her to stay at my place (the roommates were gone) and watch a movie in a dark place and pop some E (Excedrin Migraine, but it has an E on the tablet). We watched “No Country for Old Men” which was Bubbles’ first time seeing it. As usual, luckily she had me there to explain what was going on & the intricacies of each scene. Musicals, relationship dramas, comedies in general, she’s usually all over that stuff because you don’t really have to be paying attention… and you can kind of draw your own conclusions. However, thrillers and movies where you have to pay attention, that’s why she has me around. “Who’s that guy?” “He’s the guy trying to find the money that the hunter took.” “Why is he killing everybody? And what’s the deal with the oxygen tank?” “Patience, all answers will be revealed in time.” “You know I don’t like patience or surprises.” “Okay fine, spoiler alert, he’s been dead the whole time & nobody puts Baby in the corner.” “Don’t be a smart ass.” “But it’s how I make such amazing popcorn.” “That doesn’t even make sense.” “Why not?” “You’re so stupid.” “Oh, so when I ask questions… I see how it is. You know what they say… when in Rome…” “Ah! What just happened? Did somebody else die?” “Yup. Oh… and turn away because it’s going to show a dog & you won’t want to see why.” “What?” “Just trust me.” See? When you’ve known somebody for a few years like we have… and you know what’s going to trigger certain reactions, you can kind of anticipate what will immediately cause somebody to dislike a movie (or really any other situation) regardless of how amazing it is. Sure, it’s a little like telling a kid to put on earmuffs before somebody says the S-word on “Back to the Future” or something, but hey, if the only thing she remembers about this movie at the end is that they shot a dog, I don’t believe I’ve done my part to enhance her experience. It’s just what I do. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

So afterwards, Bubbles went home to get some sleep & I had the entire apartment to myself. Tracy went to hang with family in the South Bay, Jackie D was on the East Bay doing her thing, & Carmen was in New York City, but she moved out anyway. What does that mean? I danced around to some R. Kelly bucky naked on Chat Roulette. No, of course not. What it meant was… I was feeling kind of lonely for about three seconds… and then I decided that I was going to watch a horrible movie that just came on Netflix… and that movie was… “Resident Evil: Afterlife” starring my baby’s mamma Milla Jovovich & Ali Larter (“Heroes”). This is the 4th installment of the movie franchise based on a video game… so you know it has to be good. Let’s see, a little back-story, when we left from the 3rd installment, Alice (Jovovich) was apparently some kind of human-zombie superhybrid who inexplicably obtained the Force and could pretty much do anything she wanted in a post-apocalyptic world… and they were dozens if not hundreds of copies of her. Well, this movie starts off with her trying to bring down the evil corporation that brought on this zombie apocalypse (again) but apparently she got a vaccine that took all of her superpowers away… yet survived a head-on helicopter crash complete with massive explosion seconds later. Throw in a story about a refuge for the few humans left, a few call-backs from the 3rd movie, saving humans from a building surrounded by zombies, same story different edition. I didn’t really care for it… and you know how I like Milla. Oh… and Resident Evil 5 is already in production I guess. Does this movie franchise REALLY make money? It must. So yeah… I would say pass.

Sunday was another kind of a lazy day. Cleaned up around the apartment, then went with Bubbles to the pharmacy & Safeway to get some things. Had an interesting situation there. Bubbles was picking out a dessert for a dinner party she was going to, and as usual she asked me for my opinion. “"I don't know, what kind of dinner is it?" "Asian." "Hmm... well, what were you thinking about getting?" "I don't know, that's why I asked you. What's an Asian dessert?" "Well, funny thing is... dessert isn't really a big thing in poverty stricken countries, and I doubt this Safeway has some sweet Tai Pai or anything, so I say go with an American dessert that you like... like a pie or something." "How about cookies?" "Fortune cookies? I mean… this is San Francisco (being a smartass)" "No, chocolate chip." "But you don't like chocolate." "They might." "I'm sure that they might... but do you think chocolate chip cookies go well with Asian dinner?" "Sigh... how about a pie?" "Fantastic idea. What kind of pie looks good?" "How about a cheesecake?" This was about the time my mom called so I stepped away for a second, then come back. "Why were you using your irritated voice? Was that your brother?" "No, it was my mom." "So I'm the one irritating you." "Not really. Did you decide on a dessert?" "No, you stepped away." "Lemon meringue pie. Go with that." "Why?" "Why not?" "Sigh... I do like lemon meringue pie." "I know you do... and that way, no matter what happens, at least ONE person will get the dessert they want... even if they have room after a large Asian potluck meal like it sounds like you're having, right? You're welcome." I really wasn’t that irritated which is the weird thing… but I just don’t like when people will ask me for my opinion, and then don’t make a decision for themselves. It’s like they want to start a little mini-argument, except I don’t care who wins. If I would’ve just said lemon meringue pie right at the beginning, it still would’ve turned into “Well, what about this?” “That’s good too.” “You’re not helping.” “Are you asking me to pick a dessert or contrast and compare the options? Because no matter which way this conversation goes, it’s going to end up the same way, you getting what you want to get with or without my approval, so why bother? I won’t be at the dinner.” I don’t know why I feel that way about it… because it’s really not irritating. I don’t care one way or another, I just like to be heard if you ask me what essentially is a rhetorical question… and not disregarded as bullsh*t or whatever.

It made me think of when I was a kid, 5th grade maybe, and my dad was called in one day by my teacher to have a little conference with me & her. I didn’t know what it was about. My dad had worked a 12-hour shift as a police officer the night before, so he was a little bent out of shape about it. The teacher started out, “Mr. Love, we have reason to believe that your son has been cheating on his math tests.” We both simultaneously said, “WHAT???” “You see, on your son’s tests here, these are fairly complex equations for a student of his age, and he’s simply writing down the answers without any proof of his work. So we think that he’s somehow getting the answers from another source.” My dad being a cop & knowing that I’m pretty damn good at math said, “Where could he get the answers from? Do you have an answer key or something?” “Yes.” “And where is this key hidden? You know what, don’t answer that. Is it in a safe place? Under lock & key?” “Why yes.” “So the real problem based on the reasons that you’ve explain isn’t that my son is a cheater, but that my son hasn’t been showing every basic step to reach the solution in the problems.” “Mr. Love, like I said, these are fairly complex equations for a student…” “Excuse me, just one moment. Steve, did you cheat on any of these tests?” “F**k no.” “Watch your mouth boy. If I don’t get to swear, neither do you. Miss, would you be satisfied of my son’s innocence if he were to take another test, right here, right now?” “Well sure, I guess I could find one that he hasn’t taken yet.” “Actually, why don’t you pick ten random equations out of a test, the book, your head, wherever you can find ‘em, put them on a piece of paper, and watch him solve them before your very eyes?” So she did… and I was telling her the answers as she was finishing writing them down. “X equals 3… X-intercept is 4, Y-intercept is -2… C equals 3 and two-sevenths or 3.285714 repeating” and so on. By the time she was done, she was convinced that I wasn’t cheating. So my dad, a little sleep deprived, said “Look, if you want my son to show every single step on his work, just ask him. He’s a brilliant young man and he’s usually pretty good about doing what is asked of him… even if he’s a bit of a wise ass about it sometimes. However, please don’t drag me out of bed after I’ve spent my evening protecting good people like yourself from gang bangers & rapists when I’d much rather be tucking my children into bed… and then accuse my first born son of lying & cheating on a pointless test… and only because he doesn’t need a f**king answer key to get the right answers. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some rest before I go back to work and I believe you have some children to teach, have a great safe f**king day. Son, I love you… and I’m proud of you, but please show your work when your doing these tests so that your teacher can figure out how to get the answers too, okay?” “Okay daddy.”

There are two points to that story. One, my dad was a great father… and basically a bad ass… even with his flawed character traits at times that would become more evident later on. Damn, I just realized that he was pretty much my age in that story, maybe a year or two older. Anyway, number two, I oftentimes think in lengthy ballads but speak in shorthand. If you want to know the what, why, when, where & how of my answer, then just ask for it, I’m usually more than happy to give you my train of thought (even it’s a little “out there” sometimes). What’s the square root of 69? Eight something. What dessert should you get? I may want to know what kind of dinner it is… but ultimately, I’m gonna say go with your gut… because that’s who you’re aiming to please. Like I said, I’m not really irritated, I just don’t know what you’re looking for out of me… and please don’t disregard it as bullsh*t. If it’s bullsh*t, I’ll usually tell you…or just laugh at the end of whatever I’m saying. That’s my tell.

Anyway, after that, I went back to the apartment to watch movies on a dreary day with Jackie D. First up was “New York I Love You” which starred, well, it seemed to be pretty much most of the actors in Hollywood that I don’t particularly care for – Hayden Christensen, Ethan Hawke, Rachel Bilson, Shia LaBeouf, Anton Yelchin, & Orlando Bloom, but it’s balanced out by the likes of Andy Garcia, Chris Cooper, Natalie Portman, Bradley Cooper, Christina Ricci, Cloris Leachman and THE James Caan. So yeah, pretty good ensemble cast for a small-time movie. Basically it’s the story of a bunch of very different love stories set in New York City and directed by a bunch of different people… from high school kids to call girls to old people to pick-up artists to thieves to artists to jewelers to Jews and so much more. All in all, it shows how different people from completely different backgrounds come together to live… because EVERYBODY has a story. You may think that you don’t have a story… but you do. Granted it may not involve anything that made the news or will have a movie made about it… but everybody has a story, full of love, pain, intrigue, adventure, passion, pleasure, anger, betrayal, all those peaks & valleys that make life worth living. Then again, I wouldn’t particular say this is the greatest movie ever made… but hey, if you’re into independent movies & like NYC, give it a shot.

Then Jackie D & I cooked up some LARGE steaks with various colored pepper slivers on them along with season potatoes. It was delicious… and plentiful. We chased it with a bottle of Castle Rock cabernet sauvignon while watching a sexual thriller “Chloe” starring Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore & Amanda Seyfried. Basically, it’s the story of a woman (Moore) who is convinced that her husband (Neeson) is cheating on her, so she hires a call girl (Seyfried) to seduce him and report back to her. This can only work out in a positive way, right? Well, she agrees, because she doesn’t have to blow anybody and she still gets paid… but then the seduction takes an intriguing turn. I’m not going to spoil it because I think you may want to actually go see this movie if you’re into these erotic thrillers, which you know I am. I would recommend it, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself going “Wait… what? What is happening right now?” a few times during this movie. It has some… awkward turns… and I know that only intrigues you more, you dirty minx.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. I’m sure you enjoy my ramblings about my own character flaws… as you surely do if you still read this thing. Hope you enjoy it. Another roommate interview tomorrow… so wish me luck. Have a great day everybody!!!

Return of $teve Comes with a Thunder

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So…after voicing my little thought the other day about wandering the Earth, I found that a few people may be down for the journey. My brothers from another mother, Isaiah and Andy, were both down with the idea…and I know they would seriously do it too. They’d be great assets too. Isaiah was in the Army for a few years, and Andy’s a rapper / entertainer. The Wingmans also joined in. My mom was down with the idea when I told her…but apparently she thought I meant moving to Thailand to grow poppies or live off the land like an agricultural tribe or a Mormon compound or something, rather than a nomadic colony of gypsies. Once she found out about the walking, she said she’d live vicariously through my blog. So we shall see. I don’t know. It just reminds me of a little news article I read a few years back (okay, it was an email that may or may not have been true…but shhhh…) where an elderly Indian Chief by the name of Two Eagles (no tribe given, which indicated it may be false) was asked by a government official, “You’ve observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done. Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” He replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver (giggidy!), clean water. Women did all the work, medicine man free, men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex. Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.” Am I right?

I’m not going to lie. I’ve considered running off to a reservation to learn their ways…but I’m afraid that most of those ways are long gone. “$teve Comes with a Thunder, to become a true Moapa warrior, you must hunt & kill a buffalo using only weapons that you have made from your bare hands.” “Chief Horse Rock, I have fashioned this spear and my blade with my bare hands, my horse Breaking Water is ready to ride, but are there any buffalo left here in the Nevada desert? Where might I find them in this harsh terrain?” “We have heard rumors of them in the land of Yellowstone.” “F**k. Those rangers are gonna be a hassle.” One thing’s for sure though, some lucky tourists are gonna have some amazing video to show to their families. “So the buffalo were just sitting there grazing, right? And then the herd starts rustling…and this guy, like 8 feet tall, comes flying at them on his horse, all painted up like a centaur rolled in an easel, chucks the spear at one, it stumbles a bit, then he literally pounces on its back, pulls out his knife, I think he stabbed it in the neck, they both fall. It quiet for a second, then he stands up, the buffalo’s still alive, he does this… I don’t know if it was a prayer or what, stabs the buffalo a few more times and then, I think he yelled “KAAAAAHN!!!” at the top of his lungs. I’ve got it all on video.” “That’s cool, man. We should watch it.” “Yeah, the weird thing was…after he cleaned the carcass & strapped it to his horse, he rode by the road, stopped by our RV, jumped off the horse, still covered in blood sweat dirt and only a loincloth that didn’t even cover all his junk, he looks at me and says ‘I am a Man’ then he grabbed my sister & her friend, took them into the RV and…well, she hasn’t walked right since…or stopped smiling.” “Dude, that’s gross. All that blood and stuff?” “Actually, from what she says, they showered together first to clean up, then she says her memory gets fuzzy after that…and she tends to drift off into a daydream thinking about it. They didn’t put up a fight. Weirdest thing, she speaks Portuguese or something now.” What can I say? My mind tends to wander. Anyway, so yeah, to be continued…

Yesterday, I participated in Truckee Clean Up Day, where the townspeople go around and clean up the streets and parks and stuff of all the litter and various trash from the winter. My section was around the Northstar Ski Resort...and the vast majority of what I found along the roads where alcohol-related and car parts. Not sure if there's a direct correlation between the two...but I assume it was the passengers throwing out the bottles of booze (hopefully). After that was a Block Party with live music and free burgers & hot dogs for those who participated. I met a few nice people at the table and we discussed how cool Truckee is (they'd lived here for 30 years) and we even danced a little bit to...what was basically the soundtrack to "Jungle Book" which thanks to Kairi, I now know and love because I've heard her singing and dancing to it. That little girl's gonna be a heartbreaker. Oh...and I saw my first bear...

After the party, I went to Reno to get some groceries and a haircut. I kinda flirted with the stylist because...well, she's was kinda cute and what the hell else was I going to do with a cute girl running her fingers through my hair? "Wow, your hair is so thick. I could just play with it all day." "(I've got something else thick you could play with all day...but it's not nearly as soft & pliable)" "Haha, did you just think something dirty?" "Ugh...no?" "What do you want me to do with the back?" "(Bring it over here so I can smack it up, flip it, rub it down, OH NOOOOO!!!)" Anyway, nothing came of it. Half because I'm a pussy & half because she didn't really seem to be digging me. I can't read women. I just enjoy the pictures. So yeah, eventually made it down to the Lake to get some grub and enjoy a sunset. I went to my favorite place because I was in need of a mood elevator. Well, I got there...and there were two guys down there...and they signaled me down and offered me a beer. "Sure." So I go introduce myself to Eric & Nick Deez. Through our conversation, this was also their "favorite spot in all of Nevada" which is a bold statement given Vegas...but I have to agree. We shot the sh*t and just enjoyed the sunset. Apparently I'm "a pretty cool guy" but hey, these guys were the ones that cheered me up with a kind brew and a few laughs. Inspired by sailboats passing by, we talked about partying on a boat...and of course, T-Pain. "I'm on a BOAT!!!" Here are some pictures...

Anyway, after that, I went to the Tourist Club in downtown for a drink or two and try to meet people...but it was a sausage fest...so after a few beers I walked home. Hey, I'm trying to meet people. Honestly I am. Sigh... oh well, enough about my saturday. Here's some news...

Denver Update – One stop on my journey was through the Mile High City of Denver last year. Looking back, Denver was okay…but it wasn’t where I wanted to stay. I know that now. Being laid off was a blessing in disguise…because now I’m here in Tahoe…and even when I’m lonely (and contemplating hermitude, which is a word I just made up I think) it’s great, fun & gorgeous here. Anyway, Denver. Sculptures outside Denver International Airport already include a 30-foot-tall, rearing blue mustang with glowing red eyes, nicknamed "Bluecifer" by snickering locals. Now the airport has another statue: a 26-foot tall replica of the Egyptian god of the dead. Workers erected the seven-ton replica of Anubis on Wednesday next to the main terminal to promote an upcoming King Tut exhibit at the Denver Art Museum (which is pretty good for an art museum). The statue has promoted the exhibit in other cities too. It's not far from the sculpture of the blue horse called "Mustang," by Luis Jimenez. Wanna hear something creepy? The artist was killed in 2006 when a large piece of the sculpture fell on him in his studio. Airport officials say Anubis will stay only through the summer…and then move on before Bluecifer kills again. So the airport has a new creepy statue warning passers by of the dance with death that they are about to embark upon. Sometimes I think that the Denver Airport wants to fail. Years ago it was “Hey, instead of having an airport conveniently located to downtown, let’s put it about 45 minute into butt-lovin’ nowhere so that anybody who wants to use, has to pay for a bunch of gas, parking & $5 for a Whopper if they’re hungry.” Yet they still came in hordes, so then it was “How about we scare kids off with this devil horse statue with flaming eyes?” Now it’s “Let’s turn into Revenge of the Mummy” and the next logical step…is just to turn the security check into the lair of the Holy Grail from “Indiana Jones & the Lost Crusade” or something. “What does this sign say? All liquids must be in a container no larger than 3 ounces. He who carries a container larger than 3 ounces must kneel before Christ. KNEEL!!!” SCHINK!!! (that’s the sound of a blade barely missing your head as you fall to the ground by the way) So yeah, don’t miss Denver much. Mostly my apartment on the 34th floor & my cousin Ranae.

Bullfighting – Speaking of decapitation, I want to thank the great $teve of the Colbert Nation for telling me about this story in his appropriately named segment “That’s the Craziest F**king Thing I’ve Ever Heard” a few days back. Top Spanish matador Julio Aparicio left the hospital on Friday two weeks after he was gored through the throat during a bullfight before a packed arena in Madrid. Dressed in a blue suit, the 41-year-old waved to well-wishers outside of Madrid's October 12 Hospital but was unable to speak and used gestures to try to answer journalists' questions. Asked if he felt it was a miracle that he was alive, Aparicio kissed his hand and looked up while pointing at the sky. A spokesman said it was not clear how long it will take for Aparicio to make a full recovery but he added that the matador hopes to return to the ring this year (really?). Aparicio was taken to hospital in life-threatening condition on May 21 after the half-ton bull jabbed one of its horns through Aparicio's chin and back out of his mouth at Madrid's Las Ventas bullring. He underwent surgery to reconstruct his jaw, tongue and the roof of his mouth and was placed on a ventilator for several days before finally recovering the ability to breathe on his own. The matador comes from a well-known bullfighting family and he was one of the top draws at the San Isidro bullfighting festival held each May at the 25,000-seat Las Ventas arena in the Spanish capital. The injury happened as he was attempting the faena, a series of passes in which he uses his cape and sword before delivering the death blow to the bull…but the bull wasn’t falling for that sh*t. GORE!!! MORE GORE!!! People may think this is a horrible accident and should never have happened but…isn’t this exactly why you watch bullfighting? Because THIS might happen? You don’t go to watch a flamboyantly dress Spaniard and a bull dance. You go to see them fight…and not even a fair one by any stretch of the imagination. It’s like an 80-year old deaf, blind, dumb & restrained ninja going against an angry girl with a machine gun. You know which side you’re betting on…but once in a while, the broken watch has the correct time and GORE!!! I’d like to say I feel sorry for Senor Aparicio…but I really don’t. Do you think he got the worst of it? The bull’s corpse has been processed by now…and that was going to happen whether he got his sweet revenge or not. This is why I like bullfighting. You can’t even pull the BS NASCAR excuse of “I like watching the expert driving” when you know damn well you just want to see a crash or two. What can you say with bullfighting? “I like to ugh…check out the outfits and ugh…watch ‘em dance around a bit.” Yeah, that’s butch.

Miss Ellie – Speaking of disfigurement, Miss Ellie, a small, bug-eyed Chinese Crested Hairless dog whose pimples and lolling tongue helped her win Animal Planet's "World's Ugliest Dog" contest in 2009, has died at age 17 after a career in resort show business in the Smoky Mountains (wait, run that by me again). The Mountain Press reported Thursday that Ellie starred in shows at the Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. She also appeared on The Animal Planet cable show "Dogs 101" and was on billboards and in a commercial. That’s right. This ugly f**king dog is more famous than you are. How does that make you feel? Oh wait, it gets better. Pigeon Forge Mayor Keith Whaley proclaimed November 12th as "Miss Ellie Day" for her owner's efforts to raise money for the local humane society. Over the years, Ellie helped raise more than $100,000 for the Sevier County Humane Society. She will be cremated. Probably a good thing because she looks like she could easily come back as a zombie. “Oh $teve, you’re so heartless. Making fun of somebody’s beloved puppy.” I know. I apologize to the owners of Miss Ellie as I know they’re probably heartbroken about their loss. I was trying to make a little levity out of the situation. It’s my own defense mechanism because I’m too scared to face my own mortality. Please don’t let my shortcomings cause you any grief. True beauty’s on the inside anyway. You know that I believe that. Then again, I’m not the one that entered her into a contest for the World’s Ugliest Dog…and then upon winning the contest, paraded her on billboards & got her a gig at a comedy club. I’m just saying, I think the owners have a sense of humor about it too. But still, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Also, a big shout-out to all of our dogs out there who ain’t with us anymore – Bogi, Sam, Zurich, X, Bronto, Ben, I’m pouring a little Cristal in your bowl for ya. Hope you like it. Miss Ellie, I’ll buy you a drink too. Sorry about the jokes.

Too Good Looking? – Is there really such a thing? And if so, would I be strong enough to witness it? I’ve experienced some beautiful creatures out there who have shook me to my very core & left me weeping like the world’s ugliest dog (sorry Miss Ellie, I’ll stop now) but TOO good looking? Well, a woman in New York has sued Citigroup Inc, accusing the bank of firing her for being too good-looking. Court records show the bank believes the lawsuit should be dismissed, or else sent to arbitration. Debrahlee Lorenzana alleged that management had warned her not to dress like her female co-workers because her "shapeliness" upset her "easily distracted" male colleagues and supervisors. The lawsuit was filed in November 2009. It received new attention after The Village Voice published an article about the 33-year-old, 5-foot-6 (1.68-m), 125-pound (57-kg) Lorenzana. Lorenzana and her lawyer Jack Tuckner were not available to comment on Thursday. According to the complaint, soon after beginning work in September 2008 at a Citibank branch in Manhattan's Chrysler building, Lorenzana was advised by supervisors not to wear turtlenecks, pencil skirts and fitted suits because her figure made such attire "too distracting" for male workers to bear. Really? I’ve got to see this. Lorenzana said management told her that female co-workers were not similarly told what to wear because their "general unattractiveness rendered moot their sartorial choices." Efforts to dress down did not end management's complaints, the single mother told the Voice. SINGLE MOTHER? Why haven’t we been introduced on eHarmony? Oh yeah, New York. "I could have worn a paper bag, and it would not have mattered," she said. It must suck to be beautiful. After complaining about her treatment, Lorenzana said she was transferred to a Rockefeller Centre branch but given a remote desk that made it difficult to sign up customers (“Nobody puts Baby in the corner”). Lorenzana was fired in August 2009, for reasons including "inappropriate" attire and a failure to meet new account quotas, the complaint said. Citigroup rejected Lorenzana's allegations. "Her termination was solely performance-based and not at all related to her appearance or attire (or that she wouldn’t go out with me). We are confident that when all of the facts and documentation are presented, the claim will be dismissed." The lawsuit was filed in the New York State Supreme Court in Manhattan. It seeks lost pay, compensatory and punitive damages, along with other remedies. Oh to be a judge in that courtroom. “Your Honor, Miss Lorenzana’s claims are completely ridiculous and I can’t believe that her case has reached the Supreme Court. As you can tell from the documentation provided, her work performance was below average and…your Honor?” “Hmm, what? I’m sorry I was ugh… (mumbles) mmm I’d show her a thing or two about the penal system.” “Your Honor?” “WHAT?” “Can you please focus on the case?” “Well, f**k man… just look at her!!! How can I be expected to listen to you blah blah blah when I can just focus on (mumbles) all the ways I’d stimulate every single nerve on that caramel bodice…” “The defense moves for a…” “The defense can move its ass out of my courtroom. Bailiff!!!” Well, I hope for Justice. Whatever that may be. I don’t know the facts. I’m not a judge. I’m a doctor. And it may be time for Miss Lorenzana’s checkup. I don't know. She's obviously gorgeous...but too good looking? If so, I'm sure that we can find a position for you where I work. Giggidy.

Snow White - With Tim Burton's new take on "Alice in Wonderland" proving such a hit this year, fairy tale films are coming back in style and now "Rush Hour" director Brett Ratner is setting up a new adaptation of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" over at Relativity Media reports Deadline. This new take, entitled simply "Snow White", is being penned by Melisa Wallack ("Meet Bill") and sounds like it will be closer in tone to the original Grimm Brothers stories than Disney's toddler-friendly 1938 animated adaptation. Ratner says "Melisa went back to the 500 year old folk tale and put in some of the things that were missing from Walt Disney's film. His dwarves were miners, and here they are robbers. There is also a dragon that was in the original folk tale. Walt made one of the great movies of all time, but ours is edgy and there is more comedy. The original, made for its time, was soft compared to what we're going to do." I like it. Did you know that aside from Disney, at least half a dozen adaptations of "Snow White" have been made over the years? Me neither…but apparently Ratner's idea sounds like it'll be halfway between the Disney film and the Michael Cohn-directed 1997 feature "Snow White: A Tale of Terror", a gothic horror interpretation which scored Sigourney Weaver both an Emmy and a SAG nomination for her performance. What’s that? Oh you’re intrigued about a horror flick about Snow White starring Sigourney Weaver? Of course you are. So am I. Now I have to find it too. Well, I’ve found the trailer. Enjoy…



Laetitia Casta in 3D – What’s better than a Victoria’s Secret model? How about one in 3D? Model/actress Laetitia Casta ("Luisa Sanfelice," "Asterix & Obelix vs. Caesar") will star in the upcoming French 3D fantasy/suspense film "Behind The Walls" reports Variety. Set in 1922, the very Victorian Gothic-sounding story centers on a young novelist who moves to a creepy small village to write a book and falls victim to terrifying hallucinations and nightmares. Pascal Sid and Julien Lacombe will direct the $5 million budget feature which will be shot in stereoscopic 3D and is scheduled for release early next year. Pre-production sketches from the project can be found at FilmsActu. Casta recently scored raves for her portrayal of Brigitte Bardot in Joann Sfar's Serge Gainsbourg biopic which opened in France back in January. Who knew that she could act too? I’m intrigued. Are you? What? You want more pictures? Okay…

Well, that'll do it for today. Again, big thanks to everybody out there for supporting my dream of going Kerouac on everybody's ass and roaming the planet in search of... whatever's out there. Who knows? Maybe by some divine intervention, the circumstances will arrive where that becomes a likely scenario...and then I'm gone for a bit. I'll keep you posted though. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

I'm Going For The Saints Since You Asked

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty nice. Saturday, I went to get my hair did at pretty much the only barber in town…but luckily, it’s Manstyle Barbers and less than a mile from my house. It’s a pretty nice little place in a loft overlooking historic downtown Truckee (see pictures) and the barber was pretty cool. We talked about football, pickup basketball games in the area, moving to the area and all that stuff. For lunch, I also decided to stop by the Bar of America & try their turkey cheese steak. It was pretty good…you know, for being turkey. I also tried the Truckee Book & Bean, where believe it or not, it’s a bookstore…with a coffee shop inside. I know, never saw it coming, right? The ladies behind the counter were very nice…and there were plenty of books to be read & educated types to converse with…but I ain’t a big fan of reading on a beautiful sunny day (or any other day really) so I ordered a chai spiced cider, glanced through the erotica section & then headed out to wander. Good times.

I told you I'd take a picture, JL Clyde

Sunday, I woke up & went to the rec center to shoot some hoops while listening to Journey’s Greatest Hits. Great album. I like the Sunday morning attendant’s taste. Last week it was Springsteen & John Cougar. Then I went home & was flipping through the channels when I saw PBA Bowler Kelly Kulick become the first woman to win a PBA Tour title. I didn’t even know until a few hours later…but I was witnessing history. Congratulations Kelly. Also, I stumbled upon Alyssa Dehaan. Who’s she? Only a 6’9” woman who plays for Michigan State University’s basketball team. Oh yeah, hot. So yeah, I kinda watched that game during commercials of football. Oh yeah, there were a few football games too. Great ones too. Two weeks from now, the Colts & the Saints will be playing in Super Bowl XLIV (44 in English). It should be a great game…with great commercials. My friend Filly, who I helped move to New Orleans, called me when she was on her way to work last night…about an hour after the game ended…and basically there was rioting in the streets. I would imagine so. The last time that the city of New Orleans won anything…was January 26, 1815. Go ahead, Google it. It’s a history joke. Anyway, I hope they win the Super Bowl. Peyton & the Colts have theirs. I wanna see the underdog team full of players that nobody else wanted to hold up that trophy. WHO DAT??? Anyway, here’s the news this week on silly crime…

Something Fishy Going On - A U.S. border inspector suspected something fishy about the truckload of white sea bass headed into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. It was a good hunch. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said Friday that authorities seized 708 pounds of marijuana stowed under the fish (would’ve suspected cocaine given they were white sea bass). An officer at the Otay Mesa border crossing ordered the truck driver aside Thursday night to put the cargo under X-rays. Authorities said they found 29 wrapped packages of marijuana hidden beneath the fish and a layer of ice. The driver was a 34-year-old man from Ensenada, Mexico, whose name was not released. He was booked into a downtown San Diego jail for investigation of drug smuggling. I’d say the case was pretty open & shut…but then again, maybe he had a good alibi or something. “No, is garnish. You know, make food look good.” “Why is there over 700 pounds of it?” “Ugh…it was on sale? I don’t know, I just drive truck.”

“It’s Just Sugar!” - East Tennessee police said a Knoxville woman who was later arrested for cocaine possession initially told an officer that she had been eating a powdered doughnut. The Maryville Daily Times reported that a 21-year-old woman was arrested on Thursday and charged with possession of a Schedule II substance with intent to sell or deliver. She was also cited for driving on a suspended driver's license, driving without proof of insurance, failure to maintain her lane of traffic and possession of drug paraphernalia (guess which one has the longest sentence). According to an Alcoa police report, a field test on the substance indicated that the white powder she put in her mouth as an officer approached the car was cocaine, not a sugary pastry. She was being held in the Blount County Jail on a $12,250 bond pending a court hearing on Monday. I’m sure it’s not the first time that that defense has been used…and it sure won’t be the last.

Grand Theft Auto - Sheriff's deputies in central Florida found a suspected car thief playing the "Grand Theft Auto" video game, and they later charged him with just that. Polk County deputies investigating the theft of a 1998 Dodge Durango arrested 30-year-old Michael Ray Ekes on Thursday. They found the SUV outside a Haines City home. Ekes was inside in the house, playing the popular video game. Ekes was charged with grand theft auto, burglary and drug possession. At the time of his arrest, he was out of jail on bond for another grand theft auto charge (so does this make “Grand Theft Auto II”?). According to Polk County jail records, Ekes remained in custody Friday. Bond had not been set and no attorney was listed. Hmm, I wonder if anybody has ever robbed a bank…and then been found playing “Kane & Lynch: Dead Men” or something. Or stole a bunch of change, destroyed public property while on PCP, and killed a bunch of tortoises…then were found playing Super Mario Brothers. “AH, I just ate-a de mushrooms. Now I have-a de fireballs. Pyoon, pyoon, pyoon, pyoon.” “Sir, please stop jumping around and put that lizard down.” “Yoshi, we’s a got to get outta here. Quick, hop into the cart.” And there’s the world’s shortest police chase as he rides a Barbie Go-kart into the wall as the police sedate him. I’m sure it has happened before.

“I Thought the Cop Was A Prostitute…” - A 51-year-old Detroit man was arrested for impersonating an officer after police said he interfered with a prostitution sting. Wayne County Sheriff Benny Napoleon said in a release Wednesday that the man pulled alongside an undercover female officer on Detroit's east side, flashed a badge and yelled "get off the street." Another man who believed he was speaking with a prostitute wisely drove away. Napoleon said the suspect continued to follow his deputy, but sped off when she told him she was an officer. He was stopped and arrested by other deputies who found a loaded .40-caliber handgun, a Detroit police badge, hats and other clothing with police logos in his pickup. Sounds like a little vigilante justice trying to clean up the streets of Detroit…but yeah, probably not the best way to do it. Probably not a good idea for a 51-year old man to be riding by in a Cadillac (oh I KNOW it’s a Cadillac) and telling ladies to put some clothes on. Or maybe he was just warning her to “get off the street” because there was a crazy old man in a cop’s uniform with a loaded gun nearby. I, for one, would be appreciative of such a warning.

Megan Fox Update – Okay, so I quickly glanced at askmen.com’s Top 99 Women of 2009 list, you know…because I could…and I have a number of critiques, just from the first dozen. However, I’m going to stick to the top two that I have. The first is…well, number one. Oh yes, Emmanuelle Chriqui is hot. Please don’t get it twisted. Seriously though? What would I know her from? Oh yeah, she was the short agent’s girlfriend in a few episodes of “Entourage” and she was in that stupid Sandler movie “Zohan” but…I disagree. In fact, I pretty much wrote this list off at that point. Then when I finished the Top 10…and there was no Megan Fox, I’m pretty sure that men weren’t even questioned about this list (she was #11 by the way). “But $teve, there are dozens, maybe hundreds of these stupid f**king lists on the internet & in publications and only your lists mean anything to us…so why do you even bring this one up?” Because it gives me an excuse to post THESE!!!

You know I don’t need a real excuse. So anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed it. Wow, February’s right around the corner. Only a few more weeks to get me a Valentine’s Day present, ladies (or gentlemen, I like gifts). If you need suggestions, just ask. I’ll give you a few options so that it’ll be a surprise for me. “You can get me…ugh, I don’t know…how about ugh…a hot, steamy love letter confessing your inner-most desires for me, complete with provocative photos or ugh…a golden toilet.” “Wow, that’s it? How about chocolates or something?” “Sure you can throw those in with the toilet. Like I said, surprise me.” You know I’m easy to please (in most ways) so yeah, if you’re without a Valentine this year, let me know. We’ll see what we can work out. We could be alone together. By the way, about half way through this paragraph my baritone voice just went down about three octaves. Have a great night…ladies.

My Halloween

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I hope that you all had a wonderful evening, dressing up and making asses of yourself. Don't worry, I love to do it too...and I don't know why either. Regardless, last night, I arranged my house a bit...and I wasn't feeling very well to begin with...but I think that I may be allergic to dust. All week I've been feeling...less than dapper...and all week I've been unloading my worldly possessions, basically covered in dust. It may also be the altitude or something...but I wasn't feeling that way the previous week. Anyway, you don't care...so I decided to just stay in-house and fry up some stir fry & rice...and finish season two of Heroes. Sad, right? Yeah, a little bit...but I got a lot done around the house...and that's what counts. Sigh...

This was how packed a 16' moving van was of my crap

This morning, I woke up and saw the sunrise (though for the first time since I've been here, I didn't have to) and then decided that I was going to get my hair cut (because I had to for work...damn conformists) so I went to a place nearby called Floyd's Barbershop. There, I got some trim from a lovely lady named Jenny who asked me & fellow barberinas about their Halloween activities. Apparently, she didn't do much either. "That's sad, we should've just hung out then." "Haha, yeah, I love Heroes." After the haircut was done, then she asked me, "Would you like a massage?" Now, I don't know if this is a big thing at barbershops elsewhere...but apparently they offer massage services (neck & shoulder only, I asked) as well as cutting, waxing, shampooing, and the like. The only other place where this was an option...was in China...and it was brothelesque. Then again, we were getting along fairly well, so I thought that she just might be being nice. "Ugh...no. Thanks though. I wouldn't mind getting your number though." She didn't mention that the reason that she was alone last night was because her boyfriend was out of town. "That's cool. Well, if you ever wanna watch Heroes or something, let me know." Man, I must just suck at this whole pickup thing. Oh well, at least I look hot and sophisticated now. Watch out ladies.

After that, I decided that instead of spending my morning fixing up the apartment more...that I'd go do something fun...and because I am a HUGE nerd, I decided that the fun thing to do would be to drive down to City Park and check out the Museum of Nature & Science. Why? Because they have dinosaurs...and so much more. They're famous for their diaramas too. Here's my journey from prehistory to today...

Whale skeleton

I gave my niece Kairi a buffalo for her 2nd birthday last week

She loves it...and already does noises & stuff

I'm gonna get her to say "Tatonka!!!"

Yes, the sign DOES say Black Bears

Apparently, these are Kermodes Bears...

which apparently is an Inuit word for "white"

My mom's favorite...the Manatee mother & child

The Platypus - Nature's Clusterf**k

Big ass birds called Cassowaries

California Condors (stuffed in 1928)

I saw REAL mummies on Halloween. Did you?

I think the one on the top right gives you

the ability to throw bouncy fireballs...

Coelacanth...early dino-fish, you know what that means...

Aaaah yeah, trilobites...moving through time...

Giant monsterfish...and what's that on the right?

AAAAAH!!! IT'S PREHISTORIC FLYING

SNAPPING TURTLE!!!

Finally, the early dinosaurs...like Dimitrodon

Jurassic Fight Club stuff...

T-Rex skull...among others

"That's a huge b**ch!!!"

The tail goes over your head and down the hall behind you.

After the dinosaurs died, other animals came about...

Such as prehistoric big ass birds called Moa

These crazy looking rhino things...

JESUS!!! That's one big ugly pig rhino thing.

Thank God they went extinct.

Then again, I wonder what the bacon would taste like...

Mammoths dressed for Halloween

There's an atrium to leads out to the rest of City Park

There's even the Denver Zoo nearby...but that's for another day

Well, after that, I've been up in my apartment for the last four hours doing more...and I'm almost done. Will finish up the laundry and arrangements as best I can...and who knows? Tomorrow night, you may have EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS of my apartment ready for company and looking superfly. Keep your fingers crossed...and have a great day!!!