Shaq Fu Tu: The Quickening

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

So… signed a three-year lease on the apartment again… yup, that time of year. How much did rent go up? (By the way, not did rent go up… but how much, it’s assumed). Well, this year it was “only” about 6%... and it actually was this time. Not they said 5.5% and it was really 9% for those who know math (like me). So yeah, about $50 extra each month… and there’ll be 5.5% increase each of the next two years (which I will personally double check) but overall, given the climate of San Francisco, that’s really not that bad. It’s still ridiculous… but it could be worse.

 

Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn – Speaking of horrible & ridiculous things that could be worse… Shaquille O’Neal & Big Deez Productions (love the name) just crowdfunded a reboot of one of the worst video games ever “Shaq Fu”. Yes, it was almost 20 years ago that a foolish young $teve purchased (at full $49.95 plus tax mind you) a copy of the Super Nintendo video game “Shaq Fu” melting together two of his favorite things at the time… Shaq… and fighting games… like if David Robinson was a special boss in Street Fighter… or Larry Bird was in Mortal Kombat. Well… spoiler alert: The game sucked… probably worse than his movies “Kazaam” & “Steel”. It was just… horrible. I can deal with bad storylines & stuff like that… I mean… video games are based on bad storylines like plumbers stomping on mushrooms & turtles in an alternate dimension and nobody really bats an eye… so the whole “Shaq goes to an alternate dimension to fight off mummies & shiz” isn’t a big thing… however, the game mechanics were pretty horrible, graphics were bad even for SNES & frankly it just wasn’t a lot of fun to play, especially compared to games at the time like Super Street Fighter II and two of my personal favorites… Killer Instinct & Weaponlord. Don’t know about them? Check them out... but this is one of the better examples of the original Shaq Fu...

  

Anyway, back to the reboot, Shaq is of course a key part of it… but allegedly that’s about the only thing staying the same. Some of the crowdfunding benefits are kind of sweet like him DJ’ing a party, leaving you a voicemail, dinner, taping of his studio show, stuff like that… but allegedly when completed it’s going to be on most of the major consoles… and here are some promotional shots… pay particular attention to the last one…

 

That’s right… Cyborg Arsenio Hall is apparently going to be a character. Which got me thinking… who else could be characters in the game? Here are a few thoughts:

 

Michael Jordan as “The Owner” – I’m picturing him made out of liquid metal like T-1000 and able to not only form his arms into knives & stabbing weapons… but to also morph into any other character. Why? To win that f**king trophy, that’s why! Obviously he can also throw fiery basketballs… and double jump ability is a must.

 

Earvin Johnson as “The Magic Man” – Full wizard regalia in purple & gold… with an infectious laugh & blinding smile can summon the darkest of magics… maybe even throw in some Siberian tigers at his command… why the hell not? With every flamboyant & mystifying maneuver comes his commands like “Showtime baby!” But wait… there’s more…

 

 
  

Also, as you progress in the game, there’s another mysterious entity cloaked entirely in black who challenges The Magic Man… their powers are nearly identical in every way… it is only after standing victorious over his fallen rival that they pull back their cloak to reveal… LARRY THE GRAY!!! THE BIRDMAN OF INDIANA!!!

 

Kobe Bryant as “The Black Hole” – Made out of liquid metal, starts out fast, strong & impervious to the law… can absorb any projectiles, but will never return them (cuz Kobe don’t pass) but will rust as the match goes on to the point of being almost brittle… so attack quickly & with purpose

 

Julius Erving as “Dr. Jay” – This OG has a deceptive afro that will cloud the abilities of his opponents… before he’s ready to operate with his bag of sterilized tools.

 

Allen Iverson as "AI" - Yes, very small, very fast, very tough... and a cyborg... picture a robotic Wolverine in cornrows... probably a big fan favorite upon the game's release.

 

Dennis Rodman as “The Worm” – I’m can’t even imagine the character design on this guy… but it has to happen, right? I’m thinking something along the lines of his outfit in “Double Team” and with the occasional helpful missile strike from his buddy Kim Jong Un.

 

Manute Bol as “The Thin Man” – Think Dhalsim from Street Fighter… but almost eight feet tall. This guy cold literally reach you from across the arena… but the drawback is that (as Derrick Coleman brought to everybody’s attention in their famous fight) he’s not really a strong fighter… then again… it’s very difficult to punch a ghost (RIP Manute). OOOH!!! I’ve got it… he’s a reanimated Frankenstein-esque cyborg… okay, never mind… scratch Manute from the roster… or replace him with Dikembe Mutumbo or Hakeem Olajuwon with his Lando Calrissian moustache...

 

Yao Ming as “YAO!!!” – Tall, strong, master of the martial arts… like a 7’5” Bruce Lee… this is who I’m going to throw into the game because Kareem Abdul-Jabbar simply would not participate… but basically it’s like his role in “Game of Death” but battling a much larger opponent. Obscure reference? You know it! Sigh… it’s  a shame Yao’s ankles went out when they did… he was primed to take over the WORLD…

  
 

Karl Malone as “The Mailman” – I like this entry in lieu of Charles Barkley as “Sir Charles” or Kenny Smith as “The Jet” because… I really like the idea of Shaq & Karl getting in a little scrum. I know that sounds mean… but think about it. Shaq is this giant behemoth of an immovable object… and Karl was… hell, basically the prime example of a guy who just put in his work every f**king day. I mean… he seemed like an absolute ass… but giving respect where it’s due. The best part: They were on the same team that flopped horribly in a quest for the championship (1999 Lakers, suck it Karl!), it’s pretty difficult to understand what either is saying, Shaq will tease Karl about his rings, Karl will tease Shaq about his movies & then it just comes down to a brutal beatdown of epic proportions… you know, in a video game… because otherwise they’d have to call it “Grudge Match 2” or something.

 

Dwight Howard as “Superman” – Besides Kobe, MJ, Karl Malone, movie producers, or the five teams that’ve traded him for pennies on the dollar… now he faces his ARCH NEMESIS!!! Like Shaq… but younger, faster, more athletic… took his namesake (or had it thrust upon him & he ran with it) and now Shaq must defeat him in combat to reclaim his Mojo… or something.

 

These are only a few of the better idea that I had for this game… and I haven’t even gone into pop culture references like The Urkel, The Fresh Prince (or The Carlton), D-O-Double Gizzle (or anybody from Def Jam Fight for NY who might be interested… DMX I’m looking at you), The REAL Superman & Blade. Why Blade? Why the f**k not? Heck, I’ll even though in Steel & Kazaam as special characters. “HOW DARE YOU DEFILE OUR GOOD NAMES? PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!” FIGHT!!!

 

Anyway, keep your eyes out for this installation & remember… you heard it here first. You’re welcome! Have a great day everybody!!!

Jackie D's Search for Habitation

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It has been a little bit of a busy week… but you know that’s how G’s do it. During the week, I went apartment hunting with Jackie D to help her try to do the impossible… which is find a reasonably sized one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco for under $3,000 a month… preferably under $2,000 but let’s not get too crazy. This IS San Francisco that we’re talking about. The city were the average selling price of a home went up over 30% this year when the national average was 1.4%. F**king insane… For what I pay as my share with three roommates in a townhouse… The Wingman pays less than HALF for a six-bedroom on acreage in Utah.

 

Anyway, we checked out a few places… and they were mostly in the Tenderloin the first few days… and they were pretty ridiculous. About 400 square feet studios… for about $1,800+ a month… and not exactly the finest amenities… and crackheads abound on every single block in that area. We were still optimistic with the search… but yeah, she was definitely looking into the roommate thing for a moment... and then on Friday, she luckily found a place that was half-decent... and "only" $2,300 a month... so yeah, she jumped all over that a few hours before she flew back to Philly. YAY!!! I'm excited for her... and I think she is too... but she's also running numbers in her head... I can tell. So excited for her return!

 

As for my apartment, the bathroom is still being redone… in fact, now COMPLETELY redone like even under the floorboards and everything since they found a bigger leak problem… so I should have it back by the end of next week. Fingers crossed… and in the meantime, all of my stuff is now in about a third of the space since the workers need to be able to walk entirely through my bedroom to access the bathroom… but yeah, it should be even better when they’re done. Allegedly they’re going to jack up the shower head to suit my six-foot-eight frame… but we’ll see if they even raise it to accommodate your average six-footer. Before it was… I don’t know… Asian influence? So yeah, fingers crossed.

 

Saturday, Izzy & I had some homebrewing duties to tend to… starting with the transfer of our future aware-winning Honey Amber Ale to the secondary fermenter…

 

Fancy bubbles from cleaning secondary carboy...

Mmm... look at that gorgeousness...

and the beer color...

How does it get that color?

This is the sediment taken out during

primary fermentation

Cleaning activity...

Then, since we had an open primary carboy, why not fill it up with our next batch - Blood Orange Hefeweizen!!! Based on a recipe from Dogfish Head Brewery’s owner in a Popular Mechanics article, it sounded pretty interesting… and since we were able to pick up some blood oranges in Watsonville last weekend, and the rest of the ingredients at homebrew shops, so decided to give it a try. The recipe is obviously pretty similar to our first batch of Bavarian Hefeweizen that we made in November… but with the addition of blood oranges into the wort & fermentation for a different colors & taste components… as well as about double the hops of our Bavarian Hefeweizen.

 

However, due to a few factors, we were simply NOT feeling it... and it wasn't essential... so we decided to not make the new batch & then we spent the weekend dogsitting for Izzy's aunts because... well, they have a teenage daughter who could do it but... she was busy... by being there 90% of the time... except when she went to Target... allegedly... let's face it, she's a teenage daughter who just doesn't want to do anything. Good for her. Regardless, we had fun anyway. We did squeeze the blood oranges from last week & got some zest... so it'll be well preserved for next week's batch to be brewed.

 

Now we will soon have the Oktoberfest Lager, Honey Amber Ale AND Blood Orange Hefeweizen doing their thing… and they should all be ready in time for our next big party. What is the party you ask? Why… it’s $TEVE-TOBERFEST!!! What is that? Well, it’s going to be my 33^rd birthday celebration… complete with ample beverages (like the 15 gallons of previously mentioned beer that I currently have fermenting& about 20 more gallons in other kinds of booze ready for drinking), some oompah music, Falco, and Izzy & I are going to try to make some amazing German foods like pretzels, spaetzle, some legit brauts and all that kind of stuff too. There will also be the triumphant return of… DAS BOOOOOOOOT!!! Details will be coming soon… but prepare thy selves for Epicness!

BLACK & ORANGE, BLACK & ORANGE...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been another week… and let’s see what’s happened. First & foremost, THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!!! Kind of a surprise… but a good one. Last weekend, Dizzy & I went to one of her old teacher’s art exhibitions at the Mission… and there were about 20 or so other studios set up as well. They were all pretty fantastic… but you know me & art… I know what I like… and I respect the work put into it & all but… it’s not my realm of expertise or anything. Aside from that, we watched a lot of football mostly.

Saturday though, we did go to a nice little block party in my neighborhood… and I finally met a LOT of my neighbors that I had seen in passing before but never really chatted with. That was a lot of fun! Apparently I’m also a bit of a celebrity in the area for walking to work in a suit everyday… you know… ladies be noticin’ that stuff. (pops collar) I also saw J-Mo’s roommate Boz for a bit too and we talked about future Bacon Days & Gaming parties… and we also heard about gossip in the neighborhood. By the way, apparently Tuesday night while I was playing softball, there was a f**king SWAT team apprehending suspects in the apartments across the street from me. Finally some action in my hood… and I missed it. Oh well, still a great time meeting new peeps & meeting up with old ones.

Speaking of softball, last night was another doubleheader… but we won the first one by forfeit and just kind of batted around for an hour or so until the 2^nd team showed up. Coach tried something a little different this time. Instead of marooning me in Right field (or right center since it’s softball & you have 4 outfielders), he decided to move me to 1^st base… and I did pretty good (only one pseudo-error in an inning where we had like… six total) but then he moved me over to 3^rd base. They had the lead after that first inning, but then we came back in a hard way… I went 4-for-4 at the plate… and we ended up winning the team that beat us in the championship last year for the second time this season, 15-10. Guess who got his first game ball EVER in a baseball related sport. THIS GUY!!! Sure it may have been a little bit of “great effort” for a guy who’s obviously not meant for the sport… but I could give two sh*ts because I got a game ball. UHHHHH!!! UHHHHHH!!! NANANANA!!! NANANANA!!! So yeah, we won, still undefeated. Here are some movies I watched this past week…

First up was “Snow White & the Huntsman” starring Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth & Kristen Stewart. Sold as a dark & gritty version of the classic “Snow White” tale… I didn’t particularly care for it. Charlize did her thing… and she’s hot… and creepy at the same time… but I just couldn’t get over a few things. First & foremost, how does Kristen Stewart get work? I understand Chris Hemsworth because he’s handsome… but why Kristen? She’s a horrible actress & she ain’t even cute. She’s a 4. Hate all you want Twi-hards, you know I’m right. So when the plot of your movie involves a voluptuous evil witch stunner (Theron) being threatened by some puny, pasty, expression-less faced twig girl with no discernable skills of any kind… and it’s constantly referred to about how fair she is… and how her beauty & purity is going to restore this wasteland of a world… then it’s really difficult to go from there. Oh, so how did she get the job? I wonder if she f**ked the director before or during filming… but anyway, it’s not my cup of tea… but I’m sure it’s better than that “Mirror Mirror” that pretty much went straight to DVD. That Snow White was cuter… and I could buy Julia Roberts as an evil witch stepmother (oh I’ve seen “Stepmom”) but then I’ve have to waste another two hours. Pass.

Next up was a board game movie adaptation of “Battleship” starring Liam Neeson and… let’s see, there was Taylor Kitsch (Gambit in “Wolverine” & “Sunday Night Lights” fame), Rihanna (not an actress obviously) & Brooklyn Decker (aka swimsuit issue covergirl & Mrs. Andy Roddick)… so obviously the bar was set high & surprisingly enough NOT directed by Michael Bay (instead by Peter Berg who did “Hancock” & the movie “Friday Night Lights”). Okay, but a good movie can overcome the lack of acting, right? It’s happened many times before. Well, the story follows a guy (Kitsch) who is doing nothing with his life, until one drunken night, his brother convinces him to join the Navy… and he hits on a girl (Decker) who also happens to be the daughter of his brother’s commander (Neeson). Small world, right? Anyway, a few years later, he’s about to get thrown out of the Navy when all of a sudden aliens attack Earth. Now, I’m not going to bore you with the hundred of implausible plot points & scientific issues with the film that led up to this point or were prevalent throughout the movie (on par with “The Core”) but aliens attack & set up a force field with oddly enough, five ships inside the bubble (like the board game it’s based) and… well, how do you expect it to go? How about the commander’s daughter going toe-to-toe with the aliens on an island (by the way, it’s set in Hawaii which was probably it’s best attribute) in charge of taking out their communications relay. Basically it was “Independence Day” meets “Transformers” with a sprinkle of “Top Gun” thrown in. I wouldn’t recommend it… but hey, Liam Neeson puts asses in seats.

Viewing highpoints of the week are a few TV series that I stumbled upon. First up was “Comic Book Men” starring “Clerks” director Kevin Smith and the employee’s of Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash comic book store in Red Bank, New Jersey. It’s basically a reality show / video podcast of them talking about comics and the activities of the past few weeks or whatever… but I like it. If you’re a comic book geek & you haven’t seen it, check it out.

Best though… was the TV animated series of “BLACK DYNAMITE”!!! Yes, the live action blaxploitation parody is now a TV series on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim… and it retains pretty much the entire cast from the movie… but with animated craziness… and all kind of takes of pop culture of the 70s & 80s along with its irreverent jokes (“Ninja please”) and general badassery that is… Black Dynamite. I love it… though it’s not for everybody (as I’ve learned from the 35 seconds that my roommates watched before they excused themselves to “do homework”) but I say, check it out.

Anyway, that should do it for now. Some big plans may be brewing… but I’ll save that for another time. Have a great day everybody!!!

Krewe of Boo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… pretty big news yesterday. First off, I have a roommate again. A gentleman came over to check out the apartment… and of course, it’s a great deal for this part of town & a bachelor pad & I’m pretty f**king awesome… so yeah, I took him to meet the landlord and start the process. He’ll be moving in at the start of August (right around the time my mom & aunt will be visiting). He seems like a cool cat. Been in the area a few years, his buddy who he lived with is moving out to Tahoe Donner area and that’s just too much of a hassle for him when winter rolls in, Bills fan (so we both despise T.O.) from Lake Placid originally, contractor by trade, appears pretty easy going. Hopefully it works out pretty well. We shall see. So yeah, guess I’d better take down the Craigslist posting. Or maybe I’ll wait until the first check clears…

Also, more big news from yesterday. I’ve officially decided that I will be visiting New Orleans for a week on & around Halloween. Yes, it should truly be epic… and it narrowly beat out San Francisco… but it basically boiled down to the fact that I had some flight credits that were going to expire… and I’ve been wanting to go back for over a year now… and it’s basically a nice way to cash in what would otherwise be a $500 flight. I’m already looking into all the fun stuff that we (Filly, myself & her friends) will be doing. Filly tells me that she knows a great karaoke place (and wants to sing “Bad Touch” with me among others), great food establishments, and because of her connections with her jobs, we will be taken care of by the haunted mortuary & carriage rides through the French Quarter. Also, there’s the Krewe of Boo Halloween Parade, and even a Boo at the Zoo at the Audobon Zoo, which oddly enough… in all my journeys to the Crescent City, I have yet to experience. Another big thing… that I’m kinda looking into… is that there’s a Sunday night football match at the Superdome on Halloween night between the defending world champion New Orleans Saints… and the 6-time Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. The only catch? Filly couldn’t possibly care less about football… oh and the prices I’ve been finding are about $200 a pop for nosebleeds (on that note, still looking for great tickets to the 49ers – Eagles game on 10/10/10 but may find some this weekend). So yeah… it should make for an incredible week… but I’m forgetting the most important thing of all – What do I wear? How will Dr Love portray himself during this most incredible collection of eccentric costumes in the Big Easy? I honestly have no idea. Sure, I could go with Chewbacca again… and Filly’s offered to modify it to be Frank the Bunny (from “Donnie Darko”) but there are just so many options… and I’d hate to hide this handsome face behind a bulky mask. Other suggestions were a gladiator (more like the world’s tallest, skinniest sumo wrestler) or Don Juan DeMarco… and I could definitely pull that off… but I’m not allowed to grow facial hair due to my work (I know, right?). We shall see. Perhaps I will keep it a surprise as well… but suggestions are gladly considered, so please – What should $teve dress up as for Halloween in New Orleans?

Last night, I watched a vampire movie called “Daybreakers” starring Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe & Sam Neill. Now, you know how I feel about vampire movies nowadays… and that they’re all whiny pissy dramas… but this one had a little twist. Basically it’s set ten years into the future, and for the last decade, vampirism has spread like a virus… and now 95% of the world’s population is vampire. Okay, so they’re in control. There’s a catch though. They’re running out of their most precious resource that gives them… well, un-life – human blood. They can’t feast on each other, animal blood just doesn’t do it, and they have yet to find a substitute… and time is running out before all chaos ensues (think if everybody in the world was starving & had superpowers). One hematologist (Hawke) wants to find a cure to vampirism… and meets up with some humans, including one who used to be a vampire (Dafoe). However, the government is hunting all of them down… and the CEO of the blood bank (Neill) has other plans. Why cure it when you can just medicate it? Yes, this story is ripe with metaphor about politics and the human condition… but I would still highly recommend it. The story is told in a very convincing way (as long as you can accept certain realities of course) and even the mood and tone and coloring really put you into this world. I will warn you though. I found the ending to be a little… ridiculous, but hey, it all has to do with the metaphor I’m sure. Go check this movie out. Especially if you like vampire movies. Anyway, here’s the news… free of vampirism outbreaks… for now…

Brad Pitt is a Zombie!!! – That’s right, forget vampires. Zombieism is what’s really spreading like wildfire… but the good news is that it may free up Angelina on the singles market. Okay, maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Brad Pitt is officially attached to star in the film adaptation of Max Brooks' "World War Z" for Paramount Pictures and Plan B reports MTV News. Set a decade after a virus has turned much of the planet's population into zombies (not vampires), the story follows a journalist interviewing subjects from around the world about their experiences during the 'zombie war'. The book fuses elements of political satire, war and survival horror as it explores how various nations, governments and individuals respond to the crisis. Paramount has also apparently optioned the movie rights to two more of his projects, including "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "The zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks." Marc Forster ("Quantum of Solace") has been attached to direct. A few years back, I attended a seminar conducted by Max Brooks with an ex-girlfriend… and it’s truly one of my fondest memories. Why? Because I found out that I wasn’t the only crazy person with a bunch of crazy friends who have thorough (though possibly far-fetched) plans intact in case of a zombie apocalypse (this was before I was certain of the serpent apocalypse). This could be a pretty good movie. I mean… Zombieland was awesome. Now just throw in Brad Pitt instead of that neurotic kid… and boom!!! Blockbuster, right? We shall see. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, Max Brooks is the son of legendary comedic filmmaker Mel Brooks (“Young Frankenstein”, “Robin Hood: Men in Tights”, “Spaceballs”, etc) so now you know… and knowing is half the battle… especially against the brain-starved zombie hordes.

Orlando Bloom is Not Gay!!! – (allegedly) Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr have married, her employer said Friday. Upscale Australian department store David Jones, which employs the 27-year-old Australian model as a fashion ambassador, said she will not attend a Spring season launch on August 3rd because she was honeymooning with the 33-year-old British star of "Lord of the Rings" and "Pirates of the Caribbean." "Given the exiting news that Miranda and Orlando have recently wed and will be enjoying their honeymoon together, Miranda will not be with us" for the launch, David Jones spokeswoman Colette Garnsey said in a statement. The statement did not say where or when they had married. David Jones would not be commenting on personal aspects of the announcement, that statement said. Kerr said she would continue to work for the store. "I am enormously grateful to David Jones to have been given this time to enjoy such a special moment of my life. I look forward to coming back to Australia in the near future to celebrate with family and friends," she said. "David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together," she added. Kerr first met Bloom backstage at a Victoria's Secret lingerie fashion show in New York in 2006. They began dating in late 2007 and confirmed their engagement last month. However, the question remains… really? My gay-dar must be WAY off because… seriously, unless he’s a guard at the Vatican wearing that sh*t… or he lost a bet or something… you know what, I’m not convinced. I’ll report that he’s married to a Victoria’s Secret supermodel but… that is all. Next story… perhaps something more manly…

Machete at Comic Con – That should do the trick. Robert Rodriguez loves Comic-Con, but the San Diego Convention Center is just too limiting. So the filmmaker decided to unveil his new movie, "Machete," on a street corner instead. Rodriguez showed about seven minutes of footage from the film at an outdoor party Thursday night that featured free tacos and margaritas, scantily clad dancers, a dozen tricked-out low-rider cars and a graffiti wall (and sombreros for all!!!). Stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez were on hand for the celebration. The film also stars Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson and Lindsay Lohan among countless others. The seven-minute clip was sexy, bloody and action-packed. In one scene, Alba puts out an attacker's eye with a stiletto heel. Giggidy!!! In another, Trejo's character slices open an opponent's stomach and rappels down a wall with his intestine. To which Robert said, "The human intestine is 10 times longer than the human body. True fact." It is. The writer-director said "Machete" is a film of and for the fans, who clamored for a full-length movie after seeing a trailer in 2007's "Grindhouse." "I was never going to go beyond the trailer." The film focuses on Trejo's character, Machete, a renegade who's fighting against corruption in the United States and Mexico. Robert Rodriguez wrote the part for Trejo, his first starring role in a 25-year career. "No matter where you go, there's always going to be corruption," Robert Rodriguez said. "So you almost have to create this superhero that can solve a problem that we find unsolvable ourselves." "This is the first Latino superhero," said Michelle Rodriguez (no relation?), who sports an eye patch in "Machete." Arrrrgh… Lohan plays a pistol-packing nun in the movie. Repeat: Former friend of the blog and recovering alcoholic Lindsay Lohan plays a super hot servant of Christ who packs heat. The director said her character has "a really great, surprising arc." Hopefully of her back. "I was playing with icons a lot in this. She was already so iconic in one way, I thought, 'How can you play with that, play with these images in pop culture?' And everything that's going on with her now only fuels that even more." "Machete" opens in September. $teve will be there to show his support. Comic-Con continues through Sunday. I will more than likely not be there… though I don’t have plans this weekend… so we shall see. It has been a while since my last trip to San Diego (two moves to two states ago). Machete sounds like my kind of movie… and now if we can only get Rob Zombie to make “Werewolf Women of the SS” starring his wife, Udo Kier, Jurgen Prochnow and of course… Nicolas Cage as Doctor Fu Manchu!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Saw This Coming? – In other Comic Con news, the "Saw" horror movie franchise is getting a place in the Guinness World Records as the "Most Successful Horror Movie Series," one of the film's producers, Mark Burg, said on Thursday. "I'm still in shock. The fact that we beat out (such horror franchises as) 'Friday the 13th,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street,' 'Halloween' and 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre' is a testament to our cast, crew and our partners at Lionsgate." (and how ridiculous ticket prices have gotten) The franchise consists of six movies, each one having come out consecutively every Halloween since 2004. The seventh, and final, installment (until prequels & reboots pop up in a few years) is due out October 29th and will be featured in futuristic 3D. Collectively, the "Saw" films have made over $730 million at the worldwide box-office and sold more than thirty million DVDs, according to distributors Lionsgate. The films centre around a killer named Jigsaw who puts his victims through psychological torture before killing them. Burg said it was during the production of "Saw 2," that the producers decided to "etch out" one long story spanning seven films. Therefore, after the seventh movie, called "Saw 3D", there will be no other movies, including spin-offs or prequels. Really? "We are done; this is it. We don't want to be that boxer who fought one too many fights." Really? Don’t think I won’t bring this back up WHEN you do. Burg said the seventh chapter was always "anticipated" by fans as the final one. Really? "In every 'Saw' movie, we left questions open and in this movie we answer every question the audience has ever had," Burg said, adding that even new viewers will be able to follow and "get caught up to speed." (“Previously on Saw…”) The Guinness presentation will take place at San Diego's Comic Con convention on Friday. London-based Guinness Editor-in-Chief Craig Glenday will be on hand to present the award to the film's producers. Congratulations to everybody involved!!! I like the Saw movies. Sure, they’re primarily a way to capitalize on the audience’s obsession with gore & violence… but there’s at least a decent plot (sorta) and an underlining creepiness and moral to it all (allegedly). As for a horror gore-gy slasher flicks go, they’re pretty good. We’ll see if they don’t try to make more of them though. I obviously have my doubts. Really.

Judge Dress Reboot – I mean… if they try to reboot “Judge Dredd” what’s next? Pootie Tang? ($teve fondly dreams of a world with more Pootie) New Zealand actor Karl Urban ("Pathfinder" & Bones in the new "Star Trek") is reportedly set to play "Judge Dredd" in the upcoming film reboot of the British comic reports Bleeding Cool. Unlike the previous film starring Sylvester Stallone, Urban's handsome face however will remain hidden as the iconic visor and helmet of the law enforcement officer will not be removed at anytime in the film (true to the comic… but may prove awkward for the mandatory love scenes). Pete Travis (“Vantage Point”) directs from a script by Alex Garland (“28 Days Later” & “Sunshine”) which is said to hew closer to the darker tone of the comic book (so don’t expect Rob Schneider to pop up, probably more cannibals & zombies). Shooting will take place in Johannesburg this year for a 2012 release… so don’t wait up.

My Own Reservation – People often tell me that I live in my own wonderful dream world. That very well may be true. I mean… just take into account my frame of reference, if I believe it, then it is so… but don’t worry, I’m not going to get into a whole philosophical discussion with you just yet (though I’ve found over the years that it is a great way to f**k with stoners & have them question everything from their existence to whether they’re gay for God). Instead, I’m going to talk about a man who really tried to stretch his way through a loop hole that doesn’t really exist to get what would be easier for him. My kind of BS’er. An Ohio man who claimed that his American Indian ancestry makes him exempt from city nuisance laws has been ordered to clean up two homes that have fallen into disrepair. I know. When I read city nuisance laws and American Indian heritage, I was expected rain dances in loincloths and ritual sacrifice too. A judge told William Bowersock on Thursday that he has 30 days to take care of the properties in Lima (LY'-muh). The judge rejected Bowersock's argument that he had seceded from the local government and formed his own Indian reservation, thereby making him exempt from the city's property code. Yup, he said it with a straight face too. Bowersock says he thinks the city is singling him out (yeah, because they’re your properties) and using selective enforcement of property codes to harass him (I’m assuming he’s trying to pull the race card). Judge Richard Warren said city officials have given Bowersock years to address the nuisance problem and that the rights of the city and Bowersock's neighbors must be protected (citing both city ordinances and Manifest Destiny). Look, you know how I feel about Native Americans getting screwed over… and not just because my Ottawa heritage makes my skin color the faintest of pinks either. However, does $teve Comes with a Thunder claim his home to be a sovereign two-acre nation in the middle of suburban Ohio? No. Though maybe when I stop renting & actually “own land” that might change. I grasp the key principles of the White Man’s laws. For example, I know that I first have to petition and file a lot of paperwork to get my property sanctioned as a reservation before I can claim for it to be officially be one, until then, it’s just another couple of houses in a neighborhood… and if my place smells like ass (peyote would be generally acceptable) then I have to respect those around me. Hey, that’s why I wear clothes. I respect others around me who may not want to be distracted by my hot body and wreck their cars or have impure and/or unfaithful thoughts. Well, that and anybody who’s walked around in the nude before knows that mosquitoes go directly to the warmest part of your exposed body and… well, you know. Anyway, I like that you at least attempted to find a loophole and play the race card and all… but good luck fixing up your property, Mr. Bowersock. Keep up the good fight.

On that note, I think I’ll call it a day. I’ve babbled on long enough about movies, roommates, future vacations and the like. Still no idea what I’m going to do this weekend but next weekend is mama’s visit and also a new roomie moving in. Should make for an interesting and fantastic time. Any suggestions on what I should do? Eh, I’m sure I’ll find something… or someone. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Taking Over for Junior

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I guess I’ll start off with the big news of the day. I got an email yesterday from my roommate…and he’s basically going to be moving out in about two months. It was a little expected because we don’t really hang out much, he’s got his other buddies & rooming with me was always kind of a temporary thing until he got to know the area. I knew that from the start. No worries. He’s gotta do what’s good for him…and frankly, that’s why all the utilities and stuff were in my name from the get-go anyway. I’m glad that he’s giving me some notice. So yeah, if anybody out there knows somebody looking for a pretty sweet living arrangement in paradise, let me know. I’ll be checking the local papers & putting word out on the streets I guess. Not too worried…but we’ll see what happens in the next month or so. Other than that, I’m excited for a possible date this weekend…even though she’s already had to reschedule for lunch & a movie. I know what you’re thinking…and it was my first thought too – The Friend Zone. The most dreaded of all zones…yet somehow $teve always seems to find his way there. Hmm, although it does give me a plethora of very beautiful friends… Anyway, semi-jokingly, when she told me that she had to move it up a few hours, I text back “Ah… lunch? I’m already headed for the Friend Zone?” She’s aware of my sense of humor, so she wrote back that the only way I was going there…was if I put myself there. I don’t intend to. Then again, who really intends to? We shall see. Besides, everybody knows that my most “successful” relationships usually start with breakfast…and frankly, the lady making a move. That’ll have to change though. If I have a flaw (and I did say IF), it’s that I’m a little timid. I just have to put myself out there…and some lucky girl’s gonna find out what she’s been missing out on…cuz let’s face it, I’m hot sh*t in a champagne glass…and most guys out there are cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. I owe it to all the lovely ladies out there to let them know that there are some great guys out there. Anyway, to be continued…

Also, do you love the Muppets? Of course you do. What about Sex & the City? Yeah, I hate it too. However, if you want to see the new “Sex & the City 2” movie…starring Muppets, then I highly recommend that you check out the brilliant B’s Popsuede blog. It’s… it’s pretty much perfect hilarity… and it makes me want to watch “Muppets Take Manhattan” and pretend it’s a prequel.

Let’s see. Softball tonight. Allegedly I’m going to get to play the whole game. A few people aren’t going to be able to make it. We’ll see how that goes. I’m sure I’ll be put out into right field or something. I guess I’ll have to wait another week until playing pickup basketball in Incline Village. No worries. Either way should be a lot of fun. It’s just funny how in basketball, I base my performance on how much I dominate…but with baseball, it’s whether I don’t screw up. Ah well, wish me luck. Here’s some news…

Junior Retires – Back when I used to at least watch baseball, my favorite player was far and away, Ken Griffey Jr. Back when he was with the Seattle Mariners, there was simply none greater…and he was just a kid. He was going to shatter the record books…and do it with a style & grace that in the years since has been lost from the game thanks to contract disputes, media scrutiny & of course steroids. Well, a few years back, I had already passed on baseball, but Junior was able to achieve his dream through free agency. He was going to return home to Cincinnati, where his father played baseball for the Reds, where he grew up, and where he wanted to retire with a bunch of World Series rings. Unfortunately, he was plagued with injuries for over a decade…and the team was never really a contender for pennants…and the record book was never shattered (though despite all the injuries, he’s still 5th on the all-time list with 630 homers…and no steroids). Through all the adversity, he just remained a smiling kid in an adult body playing the game that he loved…for 22 seasons. Now, forty years old and back with the Seattle Mariners as a part-time designated hitter, he’s retiring from baseball. In his statement, he said, “While I feel I am still able to make a contribution on the field and nobody in the Mariners front office has asked me to retire, I told the Mariners when I met with them prior to the 2009 season and was invited back that I will never allow myself to become a distraction. I feel that without enough occasional starts to be sharper coming off the bench, my continued presence as a player would be an unfair distraction to my teammates and their success as a team is what the ultimate goal should be.” We’ll miss ya, Junior. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out the way that you planned…but hopefully you had fun while you were doing it. Nothing but the best.

Something Exciting in Delaware – Have you ever wondered what people in Delaware do for fun? Me too…and my best guess is to go to another state…but then I read this and found a new popular activity – Messing with Authority. See, Rehoboth Beach in Delaware isn't a topless beach… but a few transgender men caused a stir by treating it like one. Police say passers-by complained after the men removed their tops and revealed their surgically enhanced breasts over Memorial Day weekend (giggidy!). A lifeguard asked them to put their tops back on (“and for God’s sake shave”). The men initially refused, but covered up before police arrived. Even if they hadn't, though, Police Chief Keith Banks notes the men were doing nothing illegal. Since they have male genitalia (did he check?), they can't be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts. Banks says there's no need for a specific law to address the issue. Oh really? Rehoboth Beach commissioner Kathy McGuiness isn't so sure. She says the matter will be discussed at a town hall meeting next week. Well, I have the solution…and it’s a good one - Let the girls breathe. Why not? Are you sexist? Only somebody who is sexist would allow men to do what women are not allowed to do. Do you plan on passing a law where men have to wear tops? HA!!! Good luck with that, Miss McGuiness. Besides, is it hurting anybody? Except by maybe making gentlemen’s shorts fit a little tighter (and raising some questions about their orientation)? No. Not at all…and there’s fewer tan lines. Anyway… that’s what’s going on in Delaware.

Quite A Feet – In the city of Talent, Oregon, Todd Ragsdale enjoyed a peppermint mineral foot soak while relaxing at home Monday. It was well deserved after running a world-record distance without shoes over the weekend. Between 8 a.m. Saturday and 8 a.m. Sunday, the 41-year-old logged 102 miles barefoot (or more specifically, 413 laps on the South Medford High School track). Ragsdale made his run in the Relay For Life fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. The run left Ragsdale's feet bruised, blistered and swollen, but he said it was well worth it. I’m glad that this was for a good cause. I’m all for raising money for cancer research & kudos to Mr. Ragsdale on an astounding accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, running almost 5 MPH for 24 hours? I start getting short of breath after about 24 minutes on a treadmill. And he did it barefoot. I don’t even walk around my house in bare feet if I can help it, less a high school track. The only problem I have with this…is maybe the world record part. Granted, nobody’s really keeping track of this…but I’m sure there are guys in Kenya that run this much barefoot just about every weekend…and that’s in the savannah, not a high school track. Okay, probably not for 24 hours straight though…so I’ll give Mr. Ragsdale his due. Donate to cancer research y’all.

Elvis Update - The estate of the great Elvis Aaron Presley has signed a deal for Hasbro Inc. and PPW Toys to release an Elvis version of Mr. Potato Head. (Bone Junior’s probably already looking for it online) Kevin Kern, a spokesman for Presley's Graceland estate, told The Commercial Appeal the new toy is one of 15,000 Elvis-licensed products and is one the company is excited about (unlike the Elvis early pregnancy detection kit that replies “Lord have mercy” or “Thank you very much” depending on the results). The first of the Elvis potato heads will be released for Elvis Tribute Week in August. The toy will be in a jumpsuit. A second version with the likeness dressed in black leather will be on the market for Christmas (hint hint). PPW Toys spokesman Dean Gorby said the Elvis Mr. Potato Head will broaden the audience from young fans to adult toy collectors. Yeah, because that’s what Elvis needs. More fans. The man’s been dead for over 30 years and has more loyal followers than Jesus (probably because he’s been dead for over 2000 years). It’s always good to see Mr. Potato Head back in the news too. However, I’m still waiting on the live-action movie starring the only man who can pull off the character with absolutely no makeup – Sir Ron Perlman. I’ll keep you posted.

Biggest Burger – Mmm… what better to go with a Ron Perlman sized batch of fried potaters than the world’s biggest burger? An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with an 81 kg (178 lb) patty that took 12 hours to cook and four men to flip. The monster burger cooked up by Sydney cafe owners, Joe and Iman El-Ajouz, weighed in at 90 kg in total, eclipsing the previous record of 84 kg, set in Michigan. "Just flipping the patty was the main challenge for us, but it all went well," Iman El-Ajouz told Reuters. "My husband had to prepare special metal holders and a metal plate, he had one at the bottom one at the top, locked them together and they flipped the burger with that." The giant burger contained the giant beef patty, 120 eggs, 150 slices of cheese, 1.5 kg of beetroot, 2.5 kg of tomatoes and almost 2 kg of lettuce all topped off with gallons of special sauce on a giant sesame seed bun. It was eaten by employees at the café (so they couldn’t sue if it was undercooked). The variety of burger will be on the menu at the cafe for the next year in order to meet the conditions for a Guinness world record, but will set hungry patrons back around A$1,500 ($1,220), which if you think about it, is about $7 a pound. Only bad thing about this…is that they didn’t add any bacon. What the hell were they thinking? Beetroot? Come on, Aussies. You’re better than that. By the way, I realize that the eggs were used to keep the patty together…but isn’t that technically a meatloaf? Just throwing that out there.

Mortal Kombat Reboot? - A viral video has hit the past few days that's spreading like wildfire because it plays like a trailer for Warner Bros. upcoming reboot of the "Mortal Kombat" franchise. This professionally made clip starring Michael Jai White (“Spawn” & “Black Dynamite”) and Jeri Ryan (Seven of 9 in “Star Trek” lore) also includes multiple decapitations, cannibalism, mutated people and a much darker and grittier sense to it than the previous two fantasy/action films based on the video game. As for its origins? The clip first emerged on YouTube under the name 'MortalKombatRebirth' and is apparently a proof-of-concept reel that film director Kevin Tancharoen ("Fame") put together with the help of fight sequence coordinator Larnell Stovall ("Undisputed III"). This could be pretty cool. Yes, the two previous Mortal Kombat movie were insanely flawed and really just a way to capitalize on the game’s popularity with the kids…but if we’re talking hardcore R-rated gritty stuff, then I can definitely got on board for that. Anyway, I know you want to see a video with decapitations, cannibalism & mutants…so here you go…



X-Men Update – In more certain movie news, Michael Fassbender is fast becoming a hot commodity in Hollywood since his role in “Inglorious Basterds” last year. The German-born, Irish-raised actor is currently being linked to not one but TWO Marvel comic book film adaptations currently heading towards production. Showbiz 411 reports that "X-Men: First Class" director Matthew Vaughn is pursuing him to play the younger version of Ian McKellen’s Magneto in Fox's prequel project, which already stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as the younger Professor Xavier. That film is slated to kick off filming soon in the UK for release next Summer. At the same time, Fassbender is being pursued to play the villain in “Spider Man 4" at Sony Pictures. As that film isn't scheduled to hit until mid-2012, its production won't kick off until sometime next year. Fassbender is expected to choose one over the other, the question is which one and how it will fit into his schedule. The actor is currently shooting David Cronenberg's "A Dangerous Method" and will next star in David Jacobson's "A Single Shot". The actor will be seen onscreen in "Jonah Hex" later this month and "Centurion" in August. Indeed a busy man…but once you get into the Marvel Universe, you can pretty much set yourself up for a while. Anyway, we’ll see. I can totally see him as Magneto though. That’d be kick-ass.

Well geez, I guess that’ll do it for today. So much uncertainty in my near future…but hey, I’ll just live day to day and see what happens. Worst-case, Filly’s getting into the crowd down in New Orleans that could get her a job as a paranormal investigator. I’m not joking. You could actually put that on your taxes. So now I’m having images of driving around the country in my Baby fighting the forces of Evil (and making sweet love to a few demons & angels along the way) like Sam & Dean Winchester on “Supernatural.” Don’t think I’m not giving this some serious thought. The only problem I had with the premise of the show before was the lack of a paycheck…but even if it’s ten bucks an hour plus gas money, who knows? That’s not likely though. Have a great day everybody!!!

Nooorthern California Where the Girls Are Warm

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, It's been a while since I've been able to bless you with my presence virtually...but rest assured that I should be getting internet (and cable and gas and my new car registered and a California driver's license) officially tomorrow, so that should help tremendously. Let's see, when last I left you, I believe I was sh*ttin' kittens about finding a new car since Brandy had...some issues. Well, I found her...and she was a pretty penny...but I think well worth it. Only time will tell, she's a firecracker red 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited hardtop with about 46,000 miles on her...and her name...is Gretchen (you know I've always loved that name) and she's a fiery red-headed wood nymph of an Earth Muffin who's always down for adventure whether in the woods, in the city or on the open road...and if the weather's right, she's not afraid to take her top off for all the world to see. BEHOLD!!!

Sadly, I had to trade in Brandy because I simply couldn't put her anywhere (really wish I had known that about a week earlier) but I was able to talk her up to a $1000 trade-in, which on a car with 217,000+ miles on her, should get me some kind of an award or something. Alas, I'm sorry Brandy. You were a great gal...

Oh, also, proof that I can cook a fine pork pot roast with all the fixings...

Basically, I spent all day Saturday & Sunday morning checking out cars...and then about six hours at the dealership to get everything taken care of (haggling, the usual process plus computer outages...but involved a lovely tour of Carson City, capital of the Silver State). Not exactly how I wanted to spend my first weekend...but whatever, it had to be done. I did have a little time in the evenings to set up the apartment a bit. Still a work in progress now that the roommate showed up last week...but it's coming together & he's cool as hell, so good times.

The bedroom's different w/o my favorite headboard...

...but I do have my own private deck.

The next six days was basically a hectic little dance of getting our office ready for opening this next week...and I'd love to tell you more about it...but just trust me, it's a lot of work & we're all really excited & nervous at the same time about our jobs & our new office opening. It's going to be EPIC!!!

Today's actually the first time that I've been able to see the sun really since I was shopping for a car (schedule is sunrise to sundown this time of year) and it's supposed to start snowing today and probably keep going until Friday...or April. I'm not sure how this weather is...but they've told us to stock up on food, have a shovel ready, dress warmly, drive safely & bring forth two of every animal, preferably one male & one female so they don't have what's referred to as a Unicorn Incident. Regardless, I think that my CD of the Steve Miller Band's greatest hits is absolutely perfect to listen to while driving around this place...and you know that crisp, clean smell of rain that I love so much...well, it's pretty much always here...just a little crispy sometimes depending on the early morning temperature as it prepares for winter.

In the meantime, we did have a full moon the other day & I got out of work a little early...so I drove down to Lake Tahoe & took a few pictures at dusk...and I thought I would leave you with those...and a message that I miss each and every single one of you...and I can't wait to see you again, whenever that may be. Have a great day everybody!!!

I think Gretchen enjoys the sunsets too...