Fortune As I Desire

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well… it’s basically the eve before I go to San Francisco to look for a home (or at least a temporary residence). One more day at work… and then leaving after so that I can hopefully avoid the storm coming in this weekend. Then after a weekend of searching The City for a future pad with or without roommates, then I get an evening of relaxing chaos at the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl (GO WOLFPACK!!!), then start the job at the new office bright & early on Monday morning. Next weekend will hopefully be the Big Move… but first, I have to find a forwarding address. I cannot tell you how incredibly excited I am for this move… and the last few days at work have been INSANELY busy… so it’s made it very easy to walk away from… I can’t lie, I kinda had a f**k it attitude at moments… but I’m a professional & set them up VERY well for some time to come. I will miss all the ladies & gentlemen that I worked with for the past year or so… and though it’s been a sudden switch, it was a difficult decision to make… but it felt like something that I simply had to do… and the time was right (for me, not necessarily the Tahoe office, but whatever, they had their chances).

Now I go to a new opportunity to explore a new city in depth, a job that pays pretty well, meeting new people, experiencing new cultures, there’s so much to do, I seriously already have four concerts (Albino, George Clinton with Parliament Funkadelic & TWO Richard Cheese) in the next six weeks that I KNOW I’m going to… and a football game this weekend. I’m really excited about the new office I’ll be working in and learning & growing with the company, as well as an individual as I hope to get back into doing things that bring me joy… like charity, spending time with great people, working out more, playing basketball & just enjoying all the things around me. Obviously I’ve felt a little lonely & isolated here in Tahoe… but I have a feeling that’s going to change here in the next few weeks. 2011 has already been pretty fantastic so hopefully it will only get better… and maybe some of my good vibes will rub off on Bubbles, as she’s apparently had a pretty sh**ty year so far… but that’s what I’m here for, right?

The real joy of my life is bringing joy to others… and I feel like I’ve been missing that. There have been a few instances where I can make people at work laugh, the roommate loves my sense of humor (watched “Boyz N the Hood” last night & let’s just say, I have a way of breaking the drama) & I can usually make people laugh over the phone… but they’re usually few & far between. I really can’t wait to get out there and see what’s going on in The City and (knock on wood) maybe stay there for a while as at least a pseudo-home. This being a wandering gypsy thing is tough when you have a lot of crap & nobody to share your experiences with (except both of you who read this thing) but you know me, I’d like to establish some roots, maybe set up a family down the line, but I’m pretty free spirited & anything’s a possibility at this point. Oh well, time will tell where this journey leads me… but I’m excited for the next few steps. I really hope that I find a fantastic living situation for me this weekend… and I hope that you all get to visit & let me share my experiences with you. Wish me luck!!!

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You will have Fortune as you Desire... in bed!!!" - Guess who's gonna be bangin' on a pile of money in the near future... Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Viva La Brown Shirts

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Hangover Day!!! Hopefully you were a little responsible last night and don’t have a pounding headache during this midweek post-St. Patrick’s Day…but in either case, don’t worry. You can always have a Bloody Mary and there’s PLENTY of corned beef left over to soak up all that alcohol. The shiner and the rash are probably going to stick around for a while though. As for me, I had a fun little evening…but nothing really out of the ordinary. I did eventually make it down to downtown Truckee and wandered around there for a bit. Spent most of my time at the Tourist Club, which is a very small, very bar bar on Donner Pass Road. I mean… they offer no food. Just drinks…and at special prices this special day. However, it was standing room only at this point in the evening. I had a few drinks (but not a lot…because I was my ride home and I know the po-po was parked right outside), tried to strike up a few conversations…but I swear there’s not ONE single woman over the age of 18 in this whole f**king town. If so, they’re in hibernation right now. It kinda makes sense though. How else could you afford to live here unless you were cohabitating or living in your parent’s basement or something? Hell, I’ve got a roommate…and I’m considering getting back into pimpin’ to make ends meet. “You b**ches wanna make some REAL money?” Sorry, I saw the South Park where Butters is a pimp for the first time last night…and I never liked Butters…but it may be my new favorite episode. Anyway, that was the evening. After a few drinks, I went home (had a few more) and slept like a baby (alone). No fiery lasses this evening…but I did get a fortune cookie the other day that was a two-for... and they read "You Will Be Rewarded for Your Patience & Understanding... in Bed" and “You Will Have Full Contentment By Summer’s End… in Bed” so I’m optimistic as always. Then again, f**k patience, Dr Love needs some patients. Anyway, here’s some news…

Thai Problems – So has anybody been checking out the news recently? People in Thailand are starting to creep me out. The worst part is…my mom’s going there to start a cruise in less than four weeks. If you remember, this isn’t the first time that I’ve mentioned Thai Politics and craziness in the same sentence. So, just to catch you up, Thai protesters seeking a change of government turned to shock tactics Tuesday, pouring gallons of their own blood into a glistening puddle at the gate of the prime minister's office (you read that right, puddles of blood). The dramatic gesture, repeated in front of the headquarters of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiava's Democrat Party, grabbed attention but put the "Red Shirt" protest movement no closer to its goal of forcing new elections (recount?). More than 100,000 demonstrators from all over the country gathered in Bangkok on Sunday, vowing to keep up their protest until victory. But Abhisit has rejected their demands to dissolve Parliament, saying only that he will listen to the protesters' point of view and leaving the situation in a stalemate. Reporters asked one of the protest leaders what their next move would be, and Veera Musikapong replied, "I want to know that myself." He said the group maps strategy on a day-by-day basis. The protesters comprise supporters of former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, who was ousted by a 2006 military coup for alleged corruption, and pro-democracy activists who opposed the army takeover. They believe Abhisit came to power illegitimately with the connivance of the military and other parts of the traditional ruling class who were alarmed by Thaksin's popularity, particularly among the poor (everybody loves a corrupt underdog). Thailand has been in political turmoil since early 2006, when anti-Thaksin demonstrations began. In 2008, when Thaksin's political allies came back to power for a year, his "Yellow Shirt" opponents (don’t need to tell you what kind of puddles they left in protest) occupied the prime minister's office compound for three months and seized Bangkok's two airports for a week. Thousands of Red Shirts formed long lines Tuesday morning to have their blood drawn by nurses, a day after their leaders vowed to collect at least 1 million cubic centimeters of blood (1000 liters or about 264 gallons) to spill at Government House. They claimed to have collected 300,000 cubic centimeters (about 80 gallons). Suriya Laemthong, 28, shielded his eyes with a baseball cap as a nurse pricked his arm (I wonder if they had to share…this is how disease spreads). He said he doubted that the blood spilling would compel the government to step down but that he finds the protest leaders' strategies "rational and acceptable." "If they say that we soldier on, I'm ready," he said. A few teaspoons of blood were drawn from each volunteer and then transferred into dozens of large plastic water jugs that were passed overhead through the crowd of cheering protesters before being delivered to Government House, the prime minister's office. "When we see gallons and gallons of blood here, instead of feeling frightened and horrified, we feel proud that this is the mutual expression of the Thai people," proclaimed Natthawut Saikua, another Red Shirt leader. (I’m thousands of miles away & frightened) The Red Shirts say that if the people are willing to sacrifice their blood, Prime Minister Abhisit should show similar spirit by relinquishing power. Riot police allowed protest leaders to approach the iron front gate and pour out the blood, which oozed under the gate as national television broadcast the images live (instead of regularly scheduled Seinfeld). A purported Brahmin priest in ceremonial robes performed an unorthodox black magic ritual on the Red Shirts' behalf. "The blood of the common people is mixing together to fight for democracy," Natthawut told cheering supporters. "When Abhisit works in his office, he will be reminded that he is sitting on the people's blood." Abhisit has not entered his office at Government House since preliminary protests started on Friday. Minutes afterward, a government medical cleanup team in white coats, face masks and rubber gloves hosed down the site. Health authorities had warned that the protest risked spreading disease if infected blood splashed healthy bystanders. So there you have it. Thailand has gotten even crazier. Seriously, forget tea parties or whatever, I don’t see protestors here splitting veins before their congressman. “I don’t agree with your policy on education reform.” “JESUS!!! What are you doing?” “I’m showing you just how much I disagree with your ideas.” “SECURITY!!! Oh f**k, that rug really tied the room together.” That’s right, the Dude’s in politics in my world now…and that man bled on his f**king rug. “He bled on your rug, dude?” He bled on his f**king rug. Oh, you think I’m crazy. Just wait until me & my fellow Brown Shirts get to the capital building for a talk with the Governator. “Wat de faaaak are you doing? Quit krappin’ on my rug.” “Here’s what I think of your stance on welfare, Dutch.” This is where I get my ass kicked by a man in his sixties…and win a bet with JL Clyde.

Democracy Wins Again – Let’s stay in crazy politics for a second, shall we? A woman who has directed 300 "female-friendly" sex films (mmm… I like the sound of that) is to test the liberal-mindedness of British voters and run for parliament in an election due within weeks. Anna Arrowsmith, 38, whose works under the name Anna Span include "Be My Toy Boy," "Hoxton Honey" and "Uniform Behavior," is standing for the opposition Liberal Democrats in the Kent constituency of Gravesham in southeast England. Her last-minute selection for the seat after the previous candidate dropped out made headlines across Britain over the weekend as the opposition party met in the midlands city of Birmingham ahead of the election expected in May. Even the normally august Times newspaper put her picture on its front page above the caption: "The woman who is sexing up the Lib Dems" (and readers were somewhat disappointed when they found it she wasn’t a madame involved in a sex scandal). Party leader Nick Clegg said her films were not his "cup of tea" but said she had at least not done anything illegal, a swipe at rival politicians caught up in a long-running scandal over parliamentary expenses. Ah British humor. Arrowsmith, managing director of Easy on the Eye Productions, said her move into politics was a natural diversification after years of campaigning to improve women's rights in the adult film industry. "I'm hopefully taking the skills I've learned of being a fighter to the national stage at Westminster," she told Reuters. Despite a matter-of-fact attitude to her subject matter, she has always remained behind the camera. "You've got to naturally be an exhibitionist and that's not what I am like. Porn stars would walk along the streets nude, that's what they enjoy, that's not me." Hmm… I think I just got an idea for her victory parade… but in either case, best of luck to you, Ms. Arrowsmith. I wonder if her work’s on Netflix. I’ve wondered if British porn is as its portrayed on Family Guy…or if it’s just like any other pornographic film but boring and with annoying accents.

Sexting – From one extreme to the other. Two Emirates airlines cabin crew have been ordered jailed for three months in Dubai over sexually explicit text messages, the latest in a string of indecency cases against foreigners, a newspaper reported Wednesday. The pair, an Indian flight attendant and her cabin services supervisor, were convicted of "coercion to commit sin" over the messages and initially sentenced to six months in jail, The National newspaper said on its website, citing court documents. The sentence was reduced on appeal last week to three months and deportation orders against the pair were lifted. It did not reveal the content of the messages (which is mildly disappointing). Dubai's foreign population has expanded rapidly in recent years as expatriates flocked to the Gulf Arab trade and tourism hub for its tax-free earnings and year-round sunshine (and ugh…JOBS!!!). The changes have challenged the Emirati population, which is now vastly outnumbered by foreigners, raising concern that their emirate's rapid pace of growth is a threat to their social and religious identity in what remains a deeply conservative region (obviously). An Emirates spokeswoman declined to comment on the case as it was still ongoing. The paper said the case emerged after the flight attendant's husband filed a lawsuit against his wife a year ago accusing her of being in an illicit relationship with her supervisor. It said the couple had been embroiled in a divorce battle since 2007. The case is the latest decency case against foreigners accused of not respecting local mores. In a separate case, a British pair caught kissing in public in Dubai is appealing a month-long jail sentence handed down after an Emirati mother complained her child had seen their indiscretion (GASP!!! That poor child…forever traumatized). The pair, a British man living in Dubai and a female friend, were arrested in November on accusations of kissing and touching each other intimately in public and consuming alcohol, their lawyer said. They were ordered jailed for a month. In a high-profile case in 2008, a British couple narrowly escaped jail after a court found them guilty of engaging in drunken sexual activity out of wedlock, and for doing so in public on a beach in the emirate (nice). They were sentenced to three months in prison followed by deportation, but had their jail terms overturned on appeal. In a separate case this year, a British couple who shared a hotel room managed to escape trial in Dubai for having sex out of wedlock by producing a marriage certificate. Yeah, apparently it’s that crazy there. And the funny thing is…I would think that Dubai would make for a wonderful romantic getaway for jetsetters…but alas, if you’re going to have sex (or just make out) with a woman, you’d better be married to her. I guess that’s why some of those sheikhs have a bunch of wives. “Yeah, that’s my wife…ugh, she’s…I can’t even remember her name. I wanted to fool around with her at a party in college so we headed down the street, got married, made out for a few minutes, then I vomited, which broke the mood and then… yeah, she’s just been here ever since.” I guess just…watch your public displays of affection when in a Middle Eastern country.

Funny Bunny Mistake – I wonder what would happen if that Emirati mother who complained about her child seeing two people kissing was a part of this. Young viewers of children's television programs in North Carolina got a glimpse of something far more risqué than their favorite cartoons, when a cable glitch broadcast two hours of the Playboy channel (what they call “glitch”, we as kids called “jackpot”). "Due to a technical malfunction, some adult programs had been diverted on children's networks," Time Warner Cable vice president of public relations Alex Dudley told AFP on Wednesday. "We sincerely apologize." The equipment failure, which took place between 6:15 and 8:15 am on Tuesday, beamed previews of adult shows with scantily clad women striking suggestive poses and talking dirty into a portion of the Kids on Demand and Preschool on Demand channels, local media reported. The cable operator reportedly learned of the glitch when worried parents alerted them to the problem…around 8:20 am. “Hey, where did it go? I was finally enjoying quality time & learning the A-B-C’s with my son when…it just…disappeared.” By the way, glitch my ass. Somebody got laid off & got back at the cable company. Regardless, it’s kinda funny…and I’ll bet those kids will never look at Bugs Bunny quite the same.

Rude Awakening – I’m always suggesting that we stay warm with somebody we care about during these cold winter months…but please, be mindful of where you go. Police said a man broke into a Pittsburgh home and climbed into bed with its owner, apparently because he was drunk and cold following a rap concert. Homeowner Frank Fontana says he was in bed when the man climbed in about 5:30 Wednesday morning. Fontana says he asked whether it was a woman who has keys to his home…and he grabbed a baseball bat when a deep male voice answered, "No, it's not." Police said Fontana kept the man at bay until police arrived but didn't hit him with the bat. Police say the intruder told them he was looking for shelter after a Tuesday night concert by rapper Jay-Z at the Mellon Arena (is he on tour? Apparently he’s in San Jose on Wednesday). The 33-year-old man faces a preliminary hearing on charges of criminal mischief and criminal trespass. Yeah, it’s like something out of a bad comedy. “Mmm, hey there Shellie. Came back for seconds, huh? I’ve got a little time before work. Oooh, your hands are frozen. Here, let me help warm those up for you. Ugh…baby? Did you bring a flashlight? Is that you Shellie?” “No, it’s not.” “AAGGH!!! What the…who the f**k are you?” “Look man, I’m sorry. I just got back from the Jigga concert, I’m a little tipsy, it’s f**king freezing outside…” “Where the f**k are your clothes?” “Look, I can explain that…but would you mind if I just got under the covers while I do that?” “Stay right there, I’m calling the cops.” “Look, we don’t need to be doing this. If you’d prefer, I can just borrow a blanket and take a nap on the couch or something to warm up. You can go back to…” “Yes, hello. Police? My name is Frank and…there’s a naked man in my house. No, I’m not gay!!! Look, he just came in, took his clothes off, slipped under the covers and…he may touched my penis. I don’t know if that counts as assault or attempted rape or what. No, I’m not drunk…but I think he is. Look, just send somebody out here to get him out of here.” “Fine, I’ll just wait right here until they come…but I’m gonna need to borrow a blanket or something if you don’t mind, I’m still very chilly.” “Put that blanket down. That’s my blanket. You can have this.” “Man, this is an Afghan…and it’s like two feet long. This wouldn’t warm one of your dolls, ya creepy ass grandma’s boy.” I’m telling ya, I swear I’ve seen this movie before.

Is This Sexist? – You know me, whenever something could be considered racist, sexist, sadist, bassist, or any other –ist, I like to bring it to your attention. Who are better drivers – men or women? I guessing you answered with…whatever you are. It very well may be true. I’ve witnessed horrible drivers of both sexes. Well, here’s a story. A New Zealand man is recovering from injuries after being run over by his wife -- twice, local media reported on Friday. Now, wait for the full story before you decide. Sandy Telford ran over her husband, Terry, as she backed down the driveway of their rural property in the Hawke's Bay region, 350 kilometers (220 miles) north-east of Wellington, the Dominion Post newspaper reported. Not realizing what she had done, Sandy then drove her car forward, running over him again. Police said the woman was distraught and too upset to speak to them (understandably, that is really sad). "We are treating it as an accident," a police spokesman told the newspaper. Ambulance authorities said the husband suffered moderate head, chest and back injuries, but was "conscious and talking" after the incident. Okay, now you can decide. Rural property, backed over husband, pulled forward over husband again. Any better stories out there? I’m just glad that Mr. Telford is okay…and hopefully Sandy is too. I know it can be very depressing to accidentally hurt somebody…especially if you love that person. May you both recover swiftly.

Hottest Researcher – Okay, so I think I’ve used the word “sex” in dozens of forms and baker’s dozens of times throughout this entry…and now I’m going to nerd it up a bit…with the results of the Hottest Researcher Awards. Oh yeah, brainy busty biologists & chiseled, down-and-dirty paleontologists with sexy accents & the like. So who’s the winner this year? Rudolf Jaenisch, whose stem cell lab at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has consistently broken new barriers in the field, is the world's "hottest" researcher, according to a survey by Thomson Reuters. Wait, what? The annual hot list from Thomson Reuters' Science Watch also names four genome experts at MIT and Harvard University's Broad Institute - Mark Daly, David Altshuler, and Paul I.W. de Bakker and Eric Lander. Biostatistician Goncalo Abecasis of the University of Michigan, who has worked with the Broad team, also makes the top 12 list, as do Manchester University materials professors Andre Geim and Konstantin Novoselov, who discovered graphene, the two-dimensional form of carbon and who also worked on a new adhesive known commonly as gecko tape. Shizuo Akira of Osaka University, named by Thomson Reuters as the hottest researcher in 2005 and 2006, is on the list for work on toll-like receptors - which are molecular doorways on immune cells. Maybe I misunderstood the list…because this is a sausage fest…and they’re not particularly handsome. Carlo Croce from Ohio State University makes the list for papers on cancer genetics, theoretical physicist Mikhail Katsnelson from Radboud University in Nijmegen, Netherlands, is on the list for work on condensed matter and computer scientist Ji-Huan He from Donghua University in Shanghai, China is there for work figuring out how to break down complex problems. Okay, what the f**k is going on here? "Our annual roundup of researchers who have authored multiple Hot Papers allows us to recognize those who are leading scientific thought," said Christopher King, editor of Science Watch. Oh…so it’s not…like the Sexiest Researchers? Sigh… of course not. Anyway, Jaenisch, who works with embryonic stem cells and the new cells made out of skin cells called induced pluripotent stem cells or iPS cells, had 14 of the most cited papers…and apparently this puts him in great contention for a Nobel Prize as most of the scientists on this list eventually get nominated. I was wondering why Kari Byron wasn’t on this list. She gets my vote for Hottest Researcher…and I still think “Nutbusters” would be a top-rated cable show with us paired together. Giggidy.

Okay, that’ll do it for today. I hope that you all had a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day yesterday…and yes, the corned beef was delicious…and I’ll probably be eating it for the next week. I’m turning into a pretty good cook if I say so myself. Also, a happy birthday to Leeshy, Homer & Lady M. They probably don't read this blog...but hey, if you do & you know them, tell them I said happy birthday in cyber space for them. Have a great day everybody!!!

I AM THE LAW!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been busy busy at work as usual…but that’s a good thing. It keeps you sharp…and employed, which you know has been a pretty important thing the past year or so. The snow yesterday was really just a warm-up for this weekend where we’re supposed to get a foot or so. Also, some of the locals are telling me that Smarch is snowiest month around these parts. “Brrrrrrrr, lousy Smarch weather…” We’ll see if this interferes with my Film Festival plans…but I’m optimistic as always.

Last night I watched “Law Abiding Citizen” starring Gerard Butler & Jamie Foxx. When it came out a few months ago, like most Gerard Butler movies, I was interested in seeing it in theaters…but didn’t…and nobody that I know saw it either. It’s weird. Did anybody out there see this movie, “Gamer” or “P.S. I Love You” in theatres? Did you see them on DVD? Anyway, back to the movie. It’s about a man (Butler) whose wife & daughter are brutally murdered…and through the trial, one of the guy makes a plea deal with his lawyer (Foxx) because of a technicality and he may get away completely if he doesn’t. So once again, the Justice system fails. Ten years later, the two criminals die horrible deaths (finally) and of course the suspect is Gerard Butler. Well, he’s playing a game now with the Justice system and trying to bring the whole system down through judges & lawyers dying, explosions all over the place, and all while he’s already locked up in prison. The city of Philadelphia goes into a state of martial law (okay, probably not what would really happen…but hey, I’m not a screenwriter) but overall, it’s a pretty good action flick…and of course, you know my opinion of the legal system…and it’s a cerebral action movie based on that premise. Oh…and it’s directed by F. Gary Gray whose other movies include “Friday”, “The Italian Job”, “Be Cool” and Outkast’s “Miss Jackson” video. So yeah, give it a shot if you like those kind of action movies. It’s not astounding…but it’s not horrible either. It may even give you some ideas for your own brand of vengeance. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? Ugh…here’s the news…and some tales of the law…

Bikini Barista - Pierce County prosecutors filed a charge of unlawful public exposure against a 19-year-old barista accused of wearing only a thong bottom and X-shaped pasties on her nipples (if you want to convert me to a coffee drinker, this is a good start Starbucks). Prosecutors filed the misdemeanor charge Tuesday against the woman who worked at the Bikini Bottoms espresso stand in Puyallup, Washington. A passer-by had complained last October about seeing the woman topless (yes, one passer-by, four months ago, you read that correctly). When a sheriff's deputy went to investigate the woman went to the back of the stand, took off the pasties and put on a bikini top. The News Tribune of Tacoma reported the deputy confiscated the pasties as evidence (after taking a few pictures as well…you know, for evidence). My sweet Jesus, a topless coffee shop. That would be amazing. I feel like I've had this thought before. “Hey $teve, want another lapdance?” “No thanks.” “How about another iced caramel macchiato?” “Sure, better than a cold shower.” “Want an extra shot of milk with that?” “Ugh… Could you be more specific as to the source of said milk?” Don’t judge me. If she’s lactating, not only is it already warm…but perfectly suited for my human physiological needs…and maybe I get to help squeeze it. Again, don’t judge me. I don’t even drink coffee. Yet. And the law should just stay out of my theoretical coffee shops.

Everybody Hates Clowns - A Tampa man faces charges after a deputy spotted him walking in a clown mask. According to jail records, the man was arrested Tuesday and charged with wearing a mask or hood on a public road over the age of 16 and resisting arrest without violence (both real charges). The man, who turned 19 on Wednesday (happy birthday?), has been released from Hillsborough County Jail on $750 bond. The St. Petersburg Times reported that a deputy saw the man wearing a clown mask and bright wig as he walked down a street with two other people. The group fled when deputies tried to question them, but were later located. Okay, so granted clowns are just creepy. Clowns don’t even like clowns…and it’s the only think that a large group of children will ever agree on. But here’s the thing, it’s illegal…and a jailable offense…to wear a mask or hood…on a public road…for anybody over the age of sixteen…in Tampa, Florida. Now, hoods aren’t a big fashion thing in Florida for the most part. But let’s say, it’s October 31st, or the weekend before or after. Hypothetically speaking, if you’re wearing a Halloween mask…and are over the age of sixteen, you don’t even have to be driving home drunk to be in lockup for a few hours. Technically speaking. Not only that…but if you resist arrest by NOT resisting, just sitting, then you face additional charges. Odd, right? So yeah, everybody hates clowns. It’s a proven fact.

50 Cent Update - A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent in New York City, claiming he unlawfully distributed her homemade sex video over the Internet after editing himself into it as a wig-wearing narrator. Lastonia Leviston filed a lawsuit on Wednesday in Manhattan claiming unauthorized use of her name or image and emotional distress caused by the public release of a video she made with a lover in 2008. The lawsuit claims 50 Cent posted the video on his Web site last year after blurring out the lover's face. It also claims the rapper appears in the video wearing a wig and robe and can be heard narrating throughout. The rapper's real name is Curtis Jackson. His lawyer hasn't responded to a phone message seeking comment. Okay, first off, how the f**k did 50 get the video to post? Was it like an audition tape sent to his website? Also, I may have to check out 50 playing the mumbly Bob Costas of Coitus on his website. (spoken through clenched teeth) “Yeah, he positioning himself all up inside her now. He’s got pretty good technique for an amateur. Looks like he’s keepin’ it safe by using one of my Bulletproof condoms. G-G-G-G-UNIT!!! (pumps a few into his fake Jerry curl) Oooh, he’s beatin’ that ass like it owe him money now. Now a word from our sponsor…” It’s no Morgan Freeman talking about the sexual habits of penguins…but hey, I’m sure it’s mildly entertaining. Oh…and as for the law being called into this, yeah obviously if it’s unwarranted or whatever, he’ll probably end up paying a ludicrous sum of money…but again I ask, how did he get the video?

IT’S CALLED A KILLER WHALE!!! – So I assume you’ve all heard about this already…but if not, here you go. Despite calls to free or destroy the animal, SeaWorld said Thursday it will keep the killer whale that drowned its trainer, but will suspend all orca shows while it decides whether to change the way handlers work with the behemoths. Also, VIP visitors who occasionally were invited to pet the killer whales will no longer be allowed to do so. "We're going to make any changes we have to to make sure this doesn't happen again," Chuck Tompkins, chief of animal training at SeaWorld parks, said a day after a 12,000-pound killer whale named Tilikum dragged a trainer into its pool and thrashed the woman to death as audience members watched in horror (I assume the family vacation videos are a lot like the gruesome Discovery Channel epics that I love). Talk-radio callers, bloggers and animal activists said Tilikum (which was involved in the deaths of two other people over the past two decades) should be released into the ocean or put to death like a dangerous dog (don’t get me started on Michael Vick, okay?). Tompkins said that Tilikum would not survive in the wild because it has been captive for so long, and that destroying the animal is not an option either, because it is an important part of the breeding program at SeaWorld and a companion to the seven other whales there (Conjugal visits? Put him out to stud?). Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old veteran trainer who adored whales, was rubbing Tilikum from a poolside platform when the 22-foot creature grabbed the woman's ponytail in its jaws and pulled her in. Witnesses said the whale played with Brancheau like a toy. "He kept pushing her and poking her with his nose," said Paula Gillespie of Delaware, who saw the attack from an underwater observation point. "It looked like she was just totally caught off guard and looked like she was struggling." She added: "I just felt horrible because she's someone's daughter, mother. I couldn't stop crying." The killer whale shows (what kind of whale?) have been put on hold at SeaWorld's three parks in Orlando, San Antonio and San Diego. Tompkins said they will not resume until trainers understand what happened to Brancheau. He also said trainers will review safety procedures and change them as needed. He would not give details on what might be changed, but he said he does not expect visitors to the theme park to see much difference in the killer whale shows, in which trainers swim with the animals, ride on their backs and jump off of them. There is virtually no contact between visitors and the orcas at SeaWorld shows, said Fred Jacobs, a spokesman for the SeaWorld parks. But in the past, VIP guests occasionally were allowed to come down to the edge of the pool and touch the whales. That will no longer be permitted. Because of Tilikum's size and history of aggressive behavior, visitors were not allowed to get close to the whale, and trainers were not permitted to climb into the water with the animal. They were only allowed to work with him from a partially submerged deck. Tompkins defended SeaWorld's use a whale that had already been blamed in the deaths of two other people. "We didn't ignore those incidents. We work with him very, very carefully. We did not get in the water with this animal like we do with other killer whales because we recognized his potential." Brancheau's older sister, Diane Gross, said the trainer would not have wanted anything done to the whale. "She loved the whales like her children. She loved all of them. They all had personalities, good days and bad days." In a profile in the Orlando Sentinel in 2006, Brancheau acknowledged the dangers, saying: "You can't put yourself in the water unless you trust them and they trust you." It’s truly tragic…but at the same time, you can’t possibly be surprised. I’m surprised that it doesn’t happen more. They’re wild animals. Watch the Discovery Channel (or the posted videos coming to YouTube shortly, possibly narrated by 50 Cent). It’s the same thing that happens when you play with tigers (RIP Roy) or dogs once in a while. As I’ve mentioned probably hundreds of times on this blog, I went to the Panda Breeding Center in Chengdu a few years back. Oh yeah, pandas are cute cuddly creatures. No. They are bears. With long sharp claws. And teeth that do nothing but crush bamboo 12 hours a day…and then they sleep. They had these beautiful young Asian girls that would bathe the toddler pandas at the center…and almost all of them had very visible and very defined scars about their face, legs and any other skin that you could see. Why? Because they’re bears with claws & teeth. Even when they’re just playing, they’re bears with claws & teeth. And in keeping with the theme of this entry, you can't go against the Laws of Nature & expect a perfect record. Not until they're extinct, that is. Again, it’s tragic…but not surprising. She did what she loves though. My condolences to her family.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Your future is bright...in bed" - Quite possibly the laziest fortune to date. Your future is bright? Cool. So the sun WILL come out tomorrow? That's great news. That is all.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Two weeks from now I'll be cleaning up my apartment to host my mother for the weekend. In the meantime, we'll see happens. Perhaps my weekend will be filled with matinee-based entertainment...or perhaps something snow-involving...or perhaps nothing of notable merit. We shall see...but I usually find a little something to do. Have a great day everybody!!!

Love Stinks

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

What a beautiful weekend! Since we left off, I went for a wonderful drive down by Squaw Valley & the west shore of Lake Tahoe…and I think it got up into the sixties here. Gorgeous!!! Sorry I didn’t really take any pictures along the drive but trust me, it was nice. When I got back home, I watched the NBA All-Star Game, which was actually pretty good. I watched LeBron, D-Wade, Dwight Howard & others do their thing…and then remembered the Slam Dunk Contest the night before…and then grew a little angry that they weren’t a part of it. Here’s the thing about the game, it was held at Cowboys Stadium…and allegedly had over 108,000 people in attendance…but whenever it showed the crowd, there were a LOT of empty seats. I think somebody may have been blowing smoke…and that angered me a bit.

However, any resemblance of anger was quickly eliminated by the halftime show which featured two of my favorite artists to both look at & listen to, my friend Shaky (Shakira) and Alicia Keys. Happy Valentine's Day, $teve!!! The performances were great…but I had a few thoughts during them (don’t worry, not too dirty). The first was… I wondered what it was like to be in the same room with over a hundred thousand people who wanted to f**k me. I’m sure these two performers have gotten used to it over the years…but it’s kind of an odd situation one would think. The second one was when Alicia sang “Empire State of Mind” which of course, is about New York…and she was in Dallas. Now, I’ve heard enough of that song to last me a long time…but I just thought, you know, if you REALLY wanted to get the crowd into it, there’s only one thing you need to do. “The stars at niiiiiight are big and briiiight” and you’d get a hundred thousand people to clap in perfect unison followed by “Deep in the heaaaart of Texas.” Anyway, just a few thoughts (among others) while watched the halftime show. Giggidy.

The Olympics have been okay too. Nailbiting excitement in speed skating, the moguls were fairly entertaining, so far so good. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for the delays in the downhill have nothing to do with rain & everything to do with a certain hottie American gold medal winner with a bruised shin. I’m not one to start a conspiracy about the Olympics when there’s nothing to it…but it’s odd that a luger can DIE (tragic in many, many ways) in a sport where you literally slide balls first down an icy track with nothing more than a helmet & an ice skate up your ass and there’s no delay in their competition whatsoever, yet when there’s a little rain (in mid-February), all the skiing competitions are cancelled until further notice. What? Oh, that’s the only one? The ski jump, moguls, even the biathlon where the competitors carry rifles continue on as normal in the rain…but the downhill skiers can’t? Weird. Don’t get it twisted, I like Lindsey Vonn (and not just because she’s gorgeous) and think she deserves a shot & hopes she brings home the gold again…but it’s just fishy is all I’m saying. Anyway, that’s enough of that.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “The Respect of Influential People Will Soon Be Yours…in bed” – Hmm, what influential people could the cookie be referring to? Work? The movie business? Blog syndication & advertising? Could I soon be getting my own show on cable? Once again, I ask, is Hollywood ready for Dr. Love? Or maybe just my hard work & amazing work ethic & skills will be respected…and therefore greatly exploited by others of influence. Wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last. Thanks for the warning, cookie. Now here’s the news…

Love Stinks – Ah, the bitter cry of a cynical man who spent Single Awareness Day Weekend traveling to wonderful cities and walking the romantic riverwalk of Old Sac alone (except for when he was picking noble fights with teenage douchebags)? No, not at all. Simply stating that Love is all around us…and it can bear a pungent aroma. For example, nothing says "I love you" like a half-mile wide heart made out of manure, right? Well, a southern Minnesota man created the Valentine's Day gift for his wife of 37 years in their farm field about 12 miles southwest of Albert Lea. Bruce Andersland told the Alberta Lea Tribune that he started the project with his tractor and manure spreader Wednesday and finished Thursday. That’s right, ladies. He spent two full days spreading sh*t all over his field in the dead of a Minnesota winter…just to let his wife (and any alien life forms) know that he still loves her after all these years & she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him. His wife, Beth, said it's the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received. She said some people might think it's gross, but she says it's cute and "Why not do something fun with what you got?" She said the heart would be darker except for the recent heavy snowfall that mixed with the manure. That’s right, when life gives you sh*t, make a gesture of Love. Kudos Bruce. May your Valentine keep you warm in the Great White North for 37 more years to come.

Vegas Update – Ever wondered why police officers call their badge a shield? Well, they ain’t bullsh*tting. A police officer's badge may have saved his life when it stopped a bullet during an exchange of gunfire in North Las Vegas this weekend. Police say the 31-year-old officer was patrolling just before 10 p.m. Saturday when he heard shots being fired in an apartment complex. While investigating, the officer came upon a person with a gun and opened fire. The officer returned fire and was hit…but the bullet hit the badge, and the officer suffered only minor injuries. The person with the gun fled. Police continued to search Sunday for the suspect, who might also be injured. The injured police officer's name was not immediately released…but since it’s Las Vegas, we’ll call him Officer Nasty. Anyway, glad you’re okay & can keep drunk drivers off the streets. I worry about my friends who live down there, especially if they’re out past ten. That’s when I’m sure more than half of the drivers on the road are legally drunk…and some of them are completely plastered. How about another Vegas update?

Vegas Hugs Update – What do you think would be the funnest world record to break? A 51-year-old Ohio man has embraced the Valentine's Day spirit faster than anyone before, giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours for a new world record. Jeff Ondash, who sought the squeezes under the costumed alter ego Teddy McHuggin, broke the record Saturday night outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip. "When you hug somebody, they all walk away from each other smiling. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away; a hug a day — it's just fun." Ondash said he wanted to become the world's hugging champion to raise money for the American Heart Association during American Heart month. The cause is important to him because his brother and father both died relatively young because of heart problems. His daughter Carlie, who tallied her father's hugs with a manual counter at the start of his attempt on Friday, came up with his pseudonym to make his spectacle a bit more fun. As Teddy McHuggin, Ondash sports a red NASCAR-style driver's suit with hugging logos and a wrestling-style championship belt. "Jeff Ondash breaking a record really doesn't mean a lot. Teddy McHuggin on the other hand, he's the reigning world speed hugging champion, now going after the world marathon hugging champion. No one on earth has ever attempted something like that before," he said. Ondash, of Canfield, Ohio, already held the record for most hugs in one hour with 1,205, according to Guinness World Records. The previous record of 5,000 hugs in one day was set last year by Siobhan O'Connor in Dublin, Ireland, Guinness spokesman Philip Robertson said. To break O'Connor's mark, Ondash needed more than 208 hugs per hour, or a hug about every 17 seconds (a.k.a. every third sexual thought for me). Ondash logged just over 700 hugs during his first hour of embraces on Friday night. He said he embraced all kinds of people throughout Friday night and Saturday and was tired from being on his feet and not eating. But Ondash said he wasn't planning to go to sleep right away. "I'm going to go and enjoy the town tonight," he said Saturday. Ondash said he did not expect Guinness World Records to certify his record for several weeks. The organization did not have a judge present at his attempt. Instead, independent judges who tracked Ondash in shifts were to submit affidavits to the organization. Ondash says he, as McHuggin, is now eyeing both the world's longest single hug (currently 24 hours and 1 second) and breaking his current two records consecutively, which he said was "unheard of." "I don't even know if I can do that but I'm going to attempt it. It's like climbing Mount Everest twice — same thing." One question remains for me though. Why is the guy next to him dressed as a Jedi? Silly me, I would much rather hold a loved one in warm embrace for an entire day than climb Mount Everest. That being said, I think I’ve found a way to get people to touch me. Free hugs from a tall good-looking gentleman? Who would refuse that? So what if he appears to have a hard-on? It’s only a half-chub. He’s been hugging people all day. Blood flows. Sorry I missed out on the festivities, McHuggin. I really would’ve like to have been in Vegas this weekend anyway…even without the free hugs…but I did alright. Some people just have personal space issues.

Apartheid’s Still Worse – A South African minibus taxi driver five times over the legal blood alcohol limit at breakfast time was arrested on Wednesday for transporting 49 children in a 16-seat vehicle. Repeat of key terms: Taxi driver, five times over the legal limit, at breakfast time, 49 kids, 16 seats, arrested. The 26-year-old man was pulled over at a routine check-point in KwaZulu-Natal province, where traffic officials found the children, aged between three and 13, crammed on top of each other for the morning ride to school. "The man is now behind bars," Colin Govender of the Road Traffic Inspectorate said. The driver is due to appear in court on Thursday. With the soccer World Cup just months away, police are cracking down on rogue taxi operators in the hope that foreign visitors will use minibuses to get around the country. Millions of mostly black South Africans use minibus taxis to travel between townships and cities, although many of the vehicles are barely roadworthy and fatal accidents are common. Also, remember that he was stopped at a routine checkpoint, not pulled over for swerving or having kids hanging out the sunroof or anything like that. Just wanted you to have an image of this situation. What would’ve really been awkward is if among the 49 children, there was one adult. “Seriously, I was just trying to get to the office. The driver asked if it was okay if another fare came on, I said cool, little did I know a f**king preschool was going to hop on the magic school bus. Also, I don’t wanna be a dick…but I think the driver may have been drinking.”

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Glad you could all stop by and listen to me babble on about Love and hugs and lusting for halftime entertainment and Vegas and snow bunnies and whatever else comes to mind. Supposed to be a beautiful week and the sun actually stays up for about an hour once I get off work, so I’ve been more willing to go to the gym. Still haven’t really met anybody there…but hey, the ladies get to see the goods. It’s only a matter of time before someone between the ages of 18 & 40 gives me the eye. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President’s Day!!!

Sex Lives of the Potato Men

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I’m feeling MUCH better today. I think the nine hours or Nyquil induced sleep had something to do with it (started to wear off about 4 AM but Gatorade helped with the headache after that). Basically I just woke up this morning feeling a little hung over or something…but after a shower & a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, I was good to go. Not a whole lot going on with me in the meantime. My dad went to see “The Pink Floyd Experience” at Kingsbury Hall yesterday (told you that was probably what was playing when I was conceived) and said it was pretty good. My brother was fired because…well, they didn’t have to give a real reason really…but I’m sure that gas station is gonna go downhill without him…and he needed a push to get a better job anyway. So no worries there. I’ve just been sick. I guess I’ll just get on with the news or something.

Worst Movies Ever - Hollywood star George Clooney's latest movie "Up In The Air" garnered five Oscar nominations on Tuesday but there is one film about which he may not be so proud -- "Batman and Robin." The 1997 movie starring Clooney as the caped crusader with Chris O'Donnell as Robin and Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl came top in an online survey by film magazine Empire to find the most disastrous film ever made. Clooney has not been shy about belittling the film and his role in it. The magazine said it did not just come top in voters' rankings but got almost three times as many votes as the next entry -- John Travolta's science-fiction "Battlefield Earth" which was a film adaptation of a novel by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Here is a list of the top 10 of Empire's list of the 50 most disastrous movies ever made with the rest available on Empire's website (http://www.empireonline.com/):

1. "Batman and Robin" (1997) – I agree, this was REALLY bad. I saw it once in theatres when it came out…and never again. Joel Schumacher f**ked up Batman…and that’s hard to do. Even the Adam West classic “Batman: The Movie” had more story integrity…and it had Bat Shark Repellant & a Foam Rubber Wholesale Convention in it. Glad that George Clooney was able to turn his career around. Arnold Schwarzenegger made a career change. Alicia Silverstone & Chris O’Donnell had to go to TV after this. I would agree.


2. "Battlefield Earth" (2000) starring John Travolta – Have never seen it, don’t intend to.


3. "The Love Guru" (2008) with Mike Myers – Never seen it, don’t intend to. However, I do have to give credit to a movie that got away with saying “C**tface” on all the previews.


4. "Raise the Titanic" (1980) with Jason Robards & Alec Guinness – Never even heard of this one…but it’s about a covert operation to salvage the Titanic for a US military defense system.


5. "Epic Movie" (2007) – Really all of these (blank) Movies that aren’t Scary Movie should never be made.


6. "Heaven's Gate" (1980) – A western starring Kris Kristofferson & Christopher Walken. Never seen it.


7. "Sex Lives of the Potato Men" (2004) – Ever just know a movie’s going to suck by the title? It’s an English movie about potato delivery men and their active fantasy sex lives. See? Exactly what you thought it would be.


8. "The Happening" (2008) – A lot of you got conned into seeing this in theatres…and for that, I apologize. Mark Wahlberg is a pretty good actor. Zooey Deschanel isn’t even that bad. Poor M. Night Shamalayan started with “The Sixth Sense” and has gone downhill ever since. The same thing happened with Orson Welles. It’s not his fault, right?


9. "Highlander 2: The Quickening" (1991) – Actually, I think this one should be much higher on the list. I love the Highlander movies…and the TV spin-offs. Yet when this movie came out after the first movie was so badass…and basically said, “By the way, the Highlanders are aliens from the planet Ziest…and the ozone is gone…and the One is old now because there is only One…but when other Ziestians show up, he’s the Highlander again…and Sean Connery’s back too…but in flashbacks.” I know…and how could a movie starring Michael Ironsides suck? But it did.


10. "The Room" (2003) – Never heard of it. Black comedy about love, passion & betrayal apparently…but who cares?
    
    

However, I want to hear YOUR suggestions…for the worst movies ever. Was there a movie that made your blood boil it was so bad? A movie that made your heart ache in all the wrong ways? Made you violently ill with all the inexplicable violence or plot twists? I’m expecting a lot of Arnie movies to be mentioned…but hey, let me know what you think.

Birthday = Sports Success? - Could you be the next David Beckham or Michael Jordan? Or for you ladies out there, ugh…Serena Williams or ugh…Venus Williams? An Australian researcher has found your chances of becoming a professional sportsperson could depend on your birthday. Senior research fellow Adrian Barnett from Queensland University of Technology's Institute of Health and Biomedical Innovation found that a person's birth month could determine their health and fitness. The results of the study are published in a book, "Analyzing Seasonal Health Data," which Barnett co-authored with researcher Annette Dobson from the University of Queensland. Barnett analyzed the birthdays of professional Australian Football League (the AFL that hasn’t folded) players and found a disproportionate number had their birthdays in the early months of the year, while a fewer number were born in the later months, especially December. The Australian school year begins in January. "Children who are taller have an obvious advantage when playing the football code of AFL," Barnett said in a statement issued by the book's publishers, Springer. "If you were born in January, you have almost 12 months' growth ahead of your classmates born late in the year, so whether you were born on December 31st or January 1st could have a huge effect on your life." Barnett found there were 33% more professional AFL players than expected with birthdays in January and 25% fewer in December. He said the results mirrored other international studies which found a link between being born near the start of school year and the chances of becoming a professional player in the sports of ice hockey, football, volleyball and basketball. "Research in the UK shows those born at the start of the school year also do better academically and have more confidence. And with physical activity being so important, it could also mean smaller children get disheartened and play less sport. If smaller children are missing out on sporting activity then this has potentially serious consequences for their health in adulthood." Barnett said this seasonal pattern could also result in wasted talent, with potential sports stars not being identified because they were competing against children who were much more physically advanced than them. He said a possible solution was for one of the sporting codes in Australia to change the team entry date from January 1 to July 1. Okay, so that study really didn’t prove anything except children that have had more time to mature compared to their classmates are usually more confident and have better coordination and whatnot. Big surprise. Sorry to put you through all that. I thought it was gonna be something like Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Hank Aaron & Babe Ruth are all Aquarius…but Harry S. Truman, Saddam Hussein, Karl Marx & Hitler are all Taurus…so that’s why you’re an evil dictator instead of competing in the NBA All-Star game next week, $teve!!! Anyway, maybe they should focus on that with their studies.

Tastes Like Kiwi - A New Zealand teenager who says she auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise tuition money did not break any laws but it might be risky for her to follow through on the deal, police warned Wednesday. The anonymous 19-year-old student offered her virginity to the highest bidder on the Web site www.ineed.co.nz under the name "Unigirl," saying she would use the money to pay for her tuition. She said in a post that more than 30,000 people had viewed her ad and more than 1,200 had made bids before she accepted an offer of more than New Zealand dollars 45,000 ($32,000). Unlike similar New Zealand Web sites, bidding and correspondence between buyers and sellers on the ineed site is private so it is not known what bids Unigirl's offer received. Web site owner Ross McKenzie said the site's policy was that as long as an ad was legal and did not offend the general standards of society, "it was OK." He confirmed Unigirl was a member on the site. Prostitution is legal in New Zealand under laws considered more liberal than many countries. Prostitution among consenting adults is allowed in brothels and on the streets, and offering sexual services in print ads and online is also legal. (Who wants to go to New Zealand?) National police spokesman Jon Neilson said no law appeared to have been breached. But "we would suggest it's not a safe practice," Neilson told The Associated Press. "There are definitely issues of personal safety" in using chat rooms, social dating networks and other Internet sites that can be used to arrange meetings between strangers. Really? Unigirl, in her initial post, described herself as attractive, fit and healthy. She did not post a photograph of herself, and bidders did not appear to have a way of confirming any of the details of her posts. Unigirl said she was desperate for money to pay university fees. "I am offering my virginity by tender to the highest bidder as long as all personal safety aspects are observed. This is my decision made with full awareness of the circumstances and possible consequences." The internet has increasingly been used for offering and arranging sex services, and security concerns have quickly followed. In the United States, 23-year-old former medical student Philip Markoff has pleaded not guilty to killing a masseuse he met on the Craigslist classified advertising site, and raping a stripper and robbing another woman he met in the same way. Virginity has also been offered for sale online. British newspapers reported last week that a 16-year-old girl in Ireland had offered to sell her virginity on an online classified advertising site but recanted after a reporter posing as a bidder identified himself as from the media. A 22-year-old student in San Diego says she has received bids of up to $3.7 million for her virginity, which is being offered for sale through a brothel in Nevada, CNN reported. Last year, a Philadelphia woman was charged with promoting prostitution after posting an ad online offering sex for tickets to a World Series baseball game (now that’s a Phillies fan). Catherine Healy of the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective, a group that represents sex workers on health and rights issues, said the New Zealand teenager had entered into sex work by offering herself online. "The amount of money is absolutely huge — and that puts her under enormous pressure to perform all sorts of acts," she said. But Healy said it was also possible that the successful bidder wanted to "save" the teenager and would not ask her to have sex (hey anything’s possible…and I’m sure Peter Jackson’s a nice guy. Oops, sorry to give away his identity). She said the teenager would still have the right to refuse to have sex with the bidder if she changed her mind, and that the bidder could claim his money back. You know, I hope this works out for this sweet Kiwi. Why? Because I want her to have an education. I want you ALL to have an education. Unfortunately, it seems that sometimes to get what you want (or need) you have to literally sell yourself for it. However, if you can get a four-year scholarship to a fine university for a few minutes of awkward discomfort (and probably a little pain) then maybe it’s worth it. It’s definitely easier than getting anything done in Congress apparently.

Panda Update - Chinese zookeepers are advertising for a tutor to teach Chinese to an American-born giant panda arriving this week in her parents' homeland. The language lessons, a special diet and even blind dates are also part of the red-carpet welcome being rolled out for 3-year-old Mei Lan (“Beautiful Orchid”) by Chinese caretakers ahead of her arrival Friday on a special FedEx flight from the U.S. Under a deal between China and the U.S., all giant pandas originally from China are only lent out to foreign zoos for scientific study for several years. They and any cubs they produce must all return to China eventually. Determined to help Mei Lan adapt more quickly to her new life, the caretakers at her new home, the Chengdu Panda Breeding Research Center in the southwestern province of Sichuan, are recruiting a language teacher via the Internet. Mei Lan has lived at a zoo in Atlanta, Georgia, since her birth in 2006. "Mei Lan has been living in the United States since she was born, and she must be unfamiliar with Chinese," Huang Xiangming, director of the center's animal management department, told the official Xinhua News Agency. The center has set up a Web site on the popular Internet portal Sina.com for Mei Lan, detailing the qualifications for a volunteer teacher: a bachelor's degree or higher, no history of infectious disease and good command of both English and Chinese. "She will be taught Chinese with a Sichuan dialect, because people here all speak Sichuan dialect. She will become familiar with some simple phrases," Cui Kai, a staffer at the panda research center, told The Associated Press. "For example, she will be taught the phrases for going back to the cage or coming out from the dormitory." (She needs an interpreter for that? How about a whip or a carrot?) Mei Lan will also have to gradually get used to her new Chinese diet. "We have asked the American zookeepers to bring Mei Lan's favorite biscuits (mmm biscuits & gravy), but we will gradually use Chinese 'wotou' (steamed bread made of corn and sorghum) and fresh bamboo to replace biscuits," Huang said. Mei Lan will be housed in a special suite during an initial quarantine period, which all pandas from overseas undergo. Then, her caretakers hope to introduce her to a potential mate. Panda fans are being asked to help choose a "boyfriend" for Mei Lan. The Web page set up for her introduces eight prospective candidates, including pandas named Superman Kobe and Yong Yong, or Doubly Brave. It includes short videos of the potential suitors in action (WHAT?), usually munching on bamboo (oh…), and asks voters to choose the most compatible based on their appearance and behavior. The public's votes notwithstanding, panda experts will have the final say on which one is the best match for Mei Lan. Giant pandas are known for being sexually inactive, and they are among the world's most endangered animals. It is unclear if similar plans are under way for Tai Shan, a 4-year-old male panda who arrives on the same flight as Mei Lan. Tai Shan was born in Washington D.C.'s National Zoo, and he will be moving to the Bifengxia Breeding Base in Ya'an, another panda breeding center in Sichuan. So yeah, go on that website and vote for Mei Lan’s mate. Or not. Seriously, an interpreter for a panda? Even I think that’s a little kooky…and I first learned German as a kid by commanding a German Shepherd. (RIP Sam, X & Zurich) It’s not the gorilla from “Congo” is it? Then we don’t need to know what it thinks. “Why won’t you tax that panda ass, Superman Kobe?” “Kobe. Want. Raindrop. Drink.” “No more sake for you until we get twins.” “Beauty-full. Orchid. No. Tickle. Egg roll.” “Sigh… Sometimes I think they want to be extinct.”

Apocalypse Prequel – As you know, I’m keeping a close eye on the number one threat to our very existence – Snakes. However, a pretty smart person once said that those who don’t study the past are doomed to repeat it…and with that in mind, this story peaked my keen intellectual interest. The largest snake the world has ever known likely had a diet that included crocodile, or at least an ancient relative of the reptile. Scientists have discovered a 60-million-year-old ancient crocodile fossil, which has been named a new species, in northern Columbia, South America. The site, which is also one of the world's largest open-pit coal mines, also yielded skeletons of the giant boa constrictor-like Titanoboa, which measured up to 45 feet long (14 m). Crocodyliforms are extinct reptiles that are distant relatives of modern crocodiles and alligators. "We're starting to flesh out the fauna that we have from there," said study author Alex Hastings, a graduate student at the Florida Museum of Natural History. The skull and other specimens used in the study show the newly discovered species, named Cerrejonisuchus improcerus, grew only 6 to 7 feet long (about 2 m), making it easy prey for Titanoboa. Clearly this new fossil would have been part of the food-chain, both as predator and prey," said Jonathan Bloch, a Florida Museum vertebrate paleontologist and associate curator. "Giant snakes today are known to eat crocodylians, and it is not much of a reach to say Cerrejonisuchus would have been a frequent meal for Titanoboa. Fossils of the two are often found side-by-side," added Bloch, who was part of the fossil-hunting expeditions. Indeed, anacondas have been documented consuming caimans (reptiles in the same family as crocodiles) in the Amazon. The new croc species is the smallest member of Dyrosauridae, a family of now-extinct crocodyliforms. Dyrosaurids typically grew to about 18 feet and had long tweezer-like snouts for eating fish. By contrast, the newly discovered species had a much shorter snout, indicating a more generalized diet that likely included frogs, lizards, small snakes and possibly mammals. Scientists previously believed dyrosaurids diversified in the Paleogene, the period of time following the mass extinction of dinosaurs. But this study reinforces the view that much of their diversity was in place before the mass extinction event, Brochu said. Somehow dyrosaurids survived the mass extinction intact while other marine reptile groups, such as mosasaurs and plesiosaurs, died out completely.

So what does this all have to do with the Apocalypse? Well, let’s see. Titanoboas used to eat crocodiles as tasty treats…but who’s to say that they didn’t crush, eat, digest & expunge basically any dinosaur smaller than a bus? You’ve all seen the shows. When a paleontologist digs up a dinosaur, they’re lucky that it’s intact. Most of the bones are broken…and some experts say it’s because of erosion & pressure over millions of years…but I say it’s because it was crushed, consumed and passed through the anus of a Titanoboa. “But $teve, what about the dinosaurs bigger than a bus?” With their food source depleted by these insatiable slithery serpents, they died off from starvation…or turned to cannibalism…or maybe when they tried to take out the Titanoboas they were merely strangled and left to rot, being too large to swallow whole. “Then why haven’t we seen too many bones of these Titanoboas?” Because they’re in the ocean now. I’ve got an answer for everything. Don’t even try to question my logic. What does this mean about the future? Watch out for those giant pythons growing in the Everglades. Today, they’re already eating deer, crocodiles and small children…but it’s only a matter of time before they move on to adults, bears & cows…and grow even larger than their current 20-25 foot length. How? Boa constrictors are born and reproducing in about the time it takes humans to learn to crap in a porcelain tank and not directly into their diapers. Anyway, just a theory completely backed by fact. Do with it what you will.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “Before an Evening of Romance, Turn Off the Cell Phone…in bed” – Hmm, I figured that she would’ve enjoyed the vibrating sensation. Seriously, is this what fortunes have come to? I don’t consult fortune cookies for everyday tips. I consult them for the sage-like wisdom & timeless perspectives. There were no cell phones in ancient China. There was no, “Confucius say…to find out whose call you missed, just press *69” or anything like that. Don’t give me that. I know to turn the cell phone off when I want to focus my attention of my damie. Hell, even gimme something like “When she asks if it makes her look fat, it’s a trap. Tell her she has beautiful eyes.” I don’t need helpful hints for around the house like “Change your oil every 3000 miles.” Thanks but no thanks.

So on that high note, I guess I’ll leave you all be for the evening. Hopefully this cold will stay away & I can just rest easy tonight without the aid of Nyquil. Hopefully you find your sage-like wisdom from this blog rather than bits of paper found in your favorite Asian dessert (though seriously, Asians have no idea what fortune cookies are, they originated in San Francisco). I hope you all have a wonderful evening…and if it’s an evening of romance, turn off the cell phone…but not before they show up at your doorstep. Communication is the key. Have a great night everybody!!!

Relax, Don't Do It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nowadays, there’s a lot of stress out there. Money’s a HUGE one. Do I have enough to survive? Am I getting laid off? Am I going to have to move? What if I can’t make my payments? Will I have to move in with my parents? Will they have a basement to move into? What if I can’t afford good schools for my kids? Why is gas so expensive? Can’t we get like a 55 gallon drum for $70 now? Maybe you’re stressed about work, your family, your friends, finding a future significant other, maybe just an overall anxiety about everything. Well, I’m here to help you…as always. How? I’m going to share with you a few Do’s & Do Not Do’s when it comes to relieving stress…and trust me, I’m a doctor.

One method is just to kick back, relax, maybe pop some popcorn, grab a frosty beer, and watch an entertaining movie. Now, comedies are usually the best for a stressed-out scenario…but that’s not what I watched last night, so deal with it (in the calmest manner possible). The movie that I watched was “Surrogates” starring Bruce Willis as a detective in the not-so-distant future, where 98% of the population live through surrogates (basically robots that serve as their avatars or something) in the real world while they lie in a chair at home. The remaining 2% live on reservations in machine-free zones and are led by Ving Rhames threatening revolution. It comes to a boil when a few people are killed through their surrogates…which isn’t supposed to happen…and of course, Bruce Willis is to the rescue. Did you like “I, Robot”? Then that’s how you’ll feel about this movie. It’s basically the next, more fundamental step in the moral perspective of that movie, where instead of just having robots do all the physical labor…and possibly feel emotions, it’s people living through their robots instead of really living their lives. How much is it like “I, Robot”? The exact same actor (Sir James Cromwell) plays the scientist who created the robots and then saw his creation perverted by corporate greed. Anyway, it was okay. Again, not the best for relieving stress…but it’s an action flick.

Hug a Furry Creature – Pets usually have an incredible ability to help you relieve stress (unless they just pissed all over your apartment). Dogs are always excited to see you when you get home and want nothing more than to just pounce on you and lick you for hours (I know the feeling all too well). Parrots will say “Herro!!!” when you walk in the door…and pussies just love being stroked & played with…and there’s just a great connection when you’re playing with your favorite furry creature. And then there’s PETA. The animal rights group wants organizers of Pennsylvania's Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in (oh yes, they like robots too). People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it's unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each February 2nd in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model. But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (how’s that for a cloak & dagger type club name?), says the animal is "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." (Really? What does that say about kids in Philly?) The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture, while apparently children are taught to fend for themselves at a young age and rummage for food in the frozen tundra of Gobbler’s Knob (oh yeah, it’s a real place). Deeley says PETA isn't interested in Phil from February 2nd on, and is looking for publicity. Sigh… Of course they’re looking for publicity, Punxsutawney Bill. That’s why organizations exist…because if they were just one person b**ching then they wouldn’t make the news. However, I’m a little disturbed at what PETA is suggesting. I mean…surely they know of Phil’s magical powers to predict the future, primarily with regards to weather patterns. Now they suggest there to be a robot that can duplicate these magical powers…and essentially control the weather. I don’t know about you (PETA chairman Cobra Commander) but I shudder to think of it. That sounds like trouble to me…and I won’t have any part of it. Let the Groundhog have his day…and stay away from those coarse, scaly serpents…and hug a furry creature. You’ll feel better. However, you probably don’t want to take it too far…or out of the home…like this guy did on the New York subway. He prefers to be called the Chicken Lover.

Don’t Play Video Games – Some video games may put you at ease…but the vast majority will just frustrate you. “Oh $teve, it’s okay. I’m just going to play a soccer video game. You know how soccer puts me & every other American right to sleep.” Oh really? That may sound like a great idea…but let me tell you a little story about a family in Italy. Once upon a time a few days ago, an Italian man named Fabrizio was playing “FIFA 2009” with his 16-year old son Mario (if he has a brother named Luigi, I’m cry laughing). After a few games, police say an argument broke out when the 46-year-old storekeeper offered his son advice on tactics to improve his play, and then turned the television off in response to his son's behavior. Fetching a knife from the kitchen, Mario stabbed his father in the neck with a 15-inch knife before returning to clean the weapon at the kitchen sink in front of his mother and leaving it to dry on the draining-board. The mother Monica told Italian daily Il Corriere della Sera that she had no idea what had happened until her husband stumbled into the room, clutching his throat. "I saw Mario come back into the room, he seemed calm, he went to the sink and I noticed him washing a knife. Then my husband came into the room with a hand round his neck, dripping blood." The teenager shut himself in his bedroom after the attack and made no attempt to resist arrest, police said. The game had been given to Mario a few days earlier, as a birthday present. "Mario is obsessed. He's forever playing on his PlayStation, and we bought him FIFA 2009 because we didn't want him playing violent games." See? Even video games of non-contact sports can enrage someone into a stabbing mood…and that’s not what you want. Instead, why not relax on your couch…and play a favorite album from “back in the day” that you know all the words too…and reminisce about the memories associated with these tunes. I’m sure there are a few albums that you’re thinking of right now…and if not, then go through your collection. No, not your iPod. I mean the REAL collection. You know, cases with production notes and stuff. That’ll take you back. ”Oh man, I haven’t heard this album in years.”

Stay Out of Traffic – Personally, I know that sometimes going for a little drive can be quite therapeutic and help you to get your head straight about things…and maybe just go on a quick zany adventure…but if you live in the city, just stay at home. Why? You never know when something like this may happen. An East Tennessee man told police that a woman in a vehicle in front of his jumped on his hood and kicked and punched his windshield as he waited for a traffic light to change. The man, John P. Williamson, 37, said the incident was unprovoked. According to The Daily Times of Maryville, police quoted the woman as saying she was being followed (and probably a little high). The 58-year-old woman was arrested and charged with vandalism of more than $500. She was being held in lieu of $1,000 bond pending a hearing Thursday in Blount County General Sessions Court. Menopause sucks. One thing I’ve learned…is you don’t drive angry (or under the influence of medications). That can lead to some pretty bad things. However, I’ve also learned that sometimes the best way to get everything in perspective is to meet up with a great friend or family member…and just talk about the situation. Even if your friend isn’t an expert in…well, anything, sometimes it’s good just to bounce it off somebody else, take in their feedback…and then decide what to do from there. Phones work well for this too…but hey, nothing beats a good ol’ pat on the back or a shoulder to cry on…or just somebody to laugh with. Just stay away from paranoid old ladies behind the wheel.

Rest & Relaxation – Sometimes, there’s just nothing like rolling up in a soft snug blanket, laying on some fresh hot sheets straight out of the dryer, taking a few deep breaths, picturing some beautiful, exotic location…and just zoning out for a few. It’s just a great feeling, right? Well, somebody else feels the same way…and has a way for you to take that feeling on the road. International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in Britain this month. Oh yes, I said bed-warming. If requested, a willing staff-member at two of the chain's London hotels and one in the northern English city of Manchester will dress in an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit before slipping between the sheets (ah, I want that job). "The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed," Holiday Inn spokeswoman Jane Bednall said in an emailed statement to Reuters. The bed-warmer is equipped with a thermometer to measure the bed's required temperature of 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit). Holiday Inn said the warmer would be fully dressed and leave the bed before the guest occupied it (otherwise it costs extra). They could not confirm if the warmer would shower first, but said hair would be covered. Florence Eavis, Holiday Inn spokeswoman told Reuters that the "innovative" bed-warming method was a response to Britain's recent cold weather and marked the launch of 3,200 new Holiday Inns worldwide. She could not explain why the beds were not being warmed by hot water bottles or electric-blankets, but admitted the human method was quirky. Holiday Inn is promoting the service with the help of sleep-expert Chris Idzikowski, director of the Edinburgh Sleep Center, who said the idea could help people sleep. “There's plenty of scientific evidence to show that sleep starts at the beginning of the night when body temperature starts to drop. A warm bed - approximately 20 to 24 Celsius - is a good way to start this process whereas a cold bed would inhibit sleep." And besides, it helps to keep some hot bodies employed. Well, if this service becomes popular and used steadily, then I wish Holiday Inn nothing but luck. It is a great idea…but is it feasible? We shall see. Personally, I don’t think they take it far enough. All you luxury hotel chains out there, just keep in mind…that this idea is Patent Pending…

Imagine arriving at your hotel after a long day of travel to get to your desired location. Last year’s anniversary trip turned out to be pretty bad…but this year’s going to be different. As you open the door, the distinctive odor of Love fills your nostrils (something like a fine mixture of lilac, jasmine, eucalyptus & just a pinch of pheromones a.k.a. stank). A trail of rose petals guide your eyes to the fireplace lit before a presentation of fruit & chocolate strawberries on a soft blanket that seems to be fur or some kind of fuzzy knit pattern. The flames flicker off the centerpiece bottle of wine and seem to make the entire room glow in a magical dance of orange & shadow. You hear the smooth rhythmic vibrations of the perfect harmony of drums, a funky electric guitar, a washboard, and a silky baritone over the radio next to the bed, which has a heart made of more petals over inviting linens covering an overstuffed mattress. The drapes are open wide revealing the majesty of the city at night (or mountain sunset or wherever you are). “Excuse me.” A tall handsome gentleman in an Armani suit steps out of the bathroom tucking in his shirt and fastening the top button of his jacket. “I’m terribly sorry to startle you. My name is $teve, I am the Love Butler here at the hotel. Miss Dupaix is putting the ugh…final preparations in the bathroom but I see that you’ve already noticed the presentation. I’m sure that it’d be quite an exhausting journey here, so please replenish yourselves. Miss Dupaix & I took the time to test, prepare & warm the bed for you and then put on some fresh linens from the dryer. We have several musical selections to choose from that I have arranged in ascending order from mellow to bow chicka bow wow…and if you need anything else…and I mean. Any. Thing. Else. Please do not hesitate to dial extension 6969 and we’d be happy to accommodate.” A voluptuous maid with briskly tossed hair steps out behind him, “Oh, bon jour.” She stands on her tippy toes to whisper something into $teve’s ear and…did she just nibble his earlobe? “Thank you, Miss Dupaix. We appreciate your…Passion for your craft. Well, Mister & Misses Smith, I will leave you two to…do as you please. Have a great evening.” As he exits the room, curiosity gets the best of you…and you open the door to the bathroom to reveal…ah ah ah. Patent Pending. Let’s just say a great night is had by all…and oh yeah, the bed was warmed in there somewhere too. You’re intrigued, I know. Just wait until I get into the industry, then we’ll see how this idea goes. Yesterday, the roommate & I went grocery shopping & then to Panda Express, so you know what that means…

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “If you continually give, you will continually have…in bed.” – I knew I did charity for some reason. I’m going to help the recreation center host a senior night…where there will be a spaghetti dinner, a charity auction and of course…BINGO!!! It should be quite the experience…and who knows? Maybe I’ll meet another volunteer there who’s not a big fan of lonely subzero nights. Sometimes just giving to others is a great way to de-stress…and meet new friends…and just have a fun time. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Once again, if you need to distress or need somebody to talk to, you know the digits. Call your Doctor. I always answer…eventually. Have a relaxing evening everybody!!!