Love Stinks

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

What a beautiful weekend! Since we left off, I went for a wonderful drive down by Squaw Valley & the west shore of Lake Tahoe…and I think it got up into the sixties here. Gorgeous!!! Sorry I didn’t really take any pictures along the drive but trust me, it was nice. When I got back home, I watched the NBA All-Star Game, which was actually pretty good. I watched LeBron, D-Wade, Dwight Howard & others do their thing…and then remembered the Slam Dunk Contest the night before…and then grew a little angry that they weren’t a part of it. Here’s the thing about the game, it was held at Cowboys Stadium…and allegedly had over 108,000 people in attendance…but whenever it showed the crowd, there were a LOT of empty seats. I think somebody may have been blowing smoke…and that angered me a bit.

However, any resemblance of anger was quickly eliminated by the halftime show which featured two of my favorite artists to both look at & listen to, my friend Shaky (Shakira) and Alicia Keys. Happy Valentine's Day, $teve!!! The performances were great…but I had a few thoughts during them (don’t worry, not too dirty). The first was… I wondered what it was like to be in the same room with over a hundred thousand people who wanted to f**k me. I’m sure these two performers have gotten used to it over the years…but it’s kind of an odd situation one would think. The second one was when Alicia sang “Empire State of Mind” which of course, is about New York…and she was in Dallas. Now, I’ve heard enough of that song to last me a long time…but I just thought, you know, if you REALLY wanted to get the crowd into it, there’s only one thing you need to do. “The stars at niiiiiight are big and briiiight” and you’d get a hundred thousand people to clap in perfect unison followed by “Deep in the heaaaart of Texas.” Anyway, just a few thoughts (among others) while watched the halftime show. Giggidy.

The Olympics have been okay too. Nailbiting excitement in speed skating, the moguls were fairly entertaining, so far so good. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for the delays in the downhill have nothing to do with rain & everything to do with a certain hottie American gold medal winner with a bruised shin. I’m not one to start a conspiracy about the Olympics when there’s nothing to it…but it’s odd that a luger can DIE (tragic in many, many ways) in a sport where you literally slide balls first down an icy track with nothing more than a helmet & an ice skate up your ass and there’s no delay in their competition whatsoever, yet when there’s a little rain (in mid-February), all the skiing competitions are cancelled until further notice. What? Oh, that’s the only one? The ski jump, moguls, even the biathlon where the competitors carry rifles continue on as normal in the rain…but the downhill skiers can’t? Weird. Don’t get it twisted, I like Lindsey Vonn (and not just because she’s gorgeous) and think she deserves a shot & hopes she brings home the gold again…but it’s just fishy is all I’m saying. Anyway, that’s enough of that.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “The Respect of Influential People Will Soon Be Yours…in bed” – Hmm, what influential people could the cookie be referring to? Work? The movie business? Blog syndication & advertising? Could I soon be getting my own show on cable? Once again, I ask, is Hollywood ready for Dr. Love? Or maybe just my hard work & amazing work ethic & skills will be respected…and therefore greatly exploited by others of influence. Wouldn’t be the first time, probably won’t be the last. Thanks for the warning, cookie. Now here’s the news…

Love Stinks – Ah, the bitter cry of a cynical man who spent Single Awareness Day Weekend traveling to wonderful cities and walking the romantic riverwalk of Old Sac alone (except for when he was picking noble fights with teenage douchebags)? No, not at all. Simply stating that Love is all around us…and it can bear a pungent aroma. For example, nothing says "I love you" like a half-mile wide heart made out of manure, right? Well, a southern Minnesota man created the Valentine's Day gift for his wife of 37 years in their farm field about 12 miles southwest of Albert Lea. Bruce Andersland told the Alberta Lea Tribune that he started the project with his tractor and manure spreader Wednesday and finished Thursday. That’s right, ladies. He spent two full days spreading sh*t all over his field in the dead of a Minnesota winter…just to let his wife (and any alien life forms) know that he still loves her after all these years & she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him. His wife, Beth, said it's the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received. She said some people might think it's gross, but she says it's cute and "Why not do something fun with what you got?" She said the heart would be darker except for the recent heavy snowfall that mixed with the manure. That’s right, when life gives you sh*t, make a gesture of Love. Kudos Bruce. May your Valentine keep you warm in the Great White North for 37 more years to come.

Vegas Update – Ever wondered why police officers call their badge a shield? Well, they ain’t bullsh*tting. A police officer's badge may have saved his life when it stopped a bullet during an exchange of gunfire in North Las Vegas this weekend. Police say the 31-year-old officer was patrolling just before 10 p.m. Saturday when he heard shots being fired in an apartment complex. While investigating, the officer came upon a person with a gun and opened fire. The officer returned fire and was hit…but the bullet hit the badge, and the officer suffered only minor injuries. The person with the gun fled. Police continued to search Sunday for the suspect, who might also be injured. The injured police officer's name was not immediately released…but since it’s Las Vegas, we’ll call him Officer Nasty. Anyway, glad you’re okay & can keep drunk drivers off the streets. I worry about my friends who live down there, especially if they’re out past ten. That’s when I’m sure more than half of the drivers on the road are legally drunk…and some of them are completely plastered. How about another Vegas update?

Vegas Hugs Update – What do you think would be the funnest world record to break? A 51-year-old Ohio man has embraced the Valentine's Day spirit faster than anyone before, giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours for a new world record. Jeff Ondash, who sought the squeezes under the costumed alter ego Teddy McHuggin, broke the record Saturday night outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip. "When you hug somebody, they all walk away from each other smiling. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away; a hug a day — it's just fun." Ondash said he wanted to become the world's hugging champion to raise money for the American Heart Association during American Heart month. The cause is important to him because his brother and father both died relatively young because of heart problems. His daughter Carlie, who tallied her father's hugs with a manual counter at the start of his attempt on Friday, came up with his pseudonym to make his spectacle a bit more fun. As Teddy McHuggin, Ondash sports a red NASCAR-style driver's suit with hugging logos and a wrestling-style championship belt. "Jeff Ondash breaking a record really doesn't mean a lot. Teddy McHuggin on the other hand, he's the reigning world speed hugging champion, now going after the world marathon hugging champion. No one on earth has ever attempted something like that before," he said. Ondash, of Canfield, Ohio, already held the record for most hugs in one hour with 1,205, according to Guinness World Records. The previous record of 5,000 hugs in one day was set last year by Siobhan O'Connor in Dublin, Ireland, Guinness spokesman Philip Robertson said. To break O'Connor's mark, Ondash needed more than 208 hugs per hour, or a hug about every 17 seconds (a.k.a. every third sexual thought for me). Ondash logged just over 700 hugs during his first hour of embraces on Friday night. He said he embraced all kinds of people throughout Friday night and Saturday and was tired from being on his feet and not eating. But Ondash said he wasn't planning to go to sleep right away. "I'm going to go and enjoy the town tonight," he said Saturday. Ondash said he did not expect Guinness World Records to certify his record for several weeks. The organization did not have a judge present at his attempt. Instead, independent judges who tracked Ondash in shifts were to submit affidavits to the organization. Ondash says he, as McHuggin, is now eyeing both the world's longest single hug (currently 24 hours and 1 second) and breaking his current two records consecutively, which he said was "unheard of." "I don't even know if I can do that but I'm going to attempt it. It's like climbing Mount Everest twice — same thing." One question remains for me though. Why is the guy next to him dressed as a Jedi? Silly me, I would much rather hold a loved one in warm embrace for an entire day than climb Mount Everest. That being said, I think I’ve found a way to get people to touch me. Free hugs from a tall good-looking gentleman? Who would refuse that? So what if he appears to have a hard-on? It’s only a half-chub. He’s been hugging people all day. Blood flows. Sorry I missed out on the festivities, McHuggin. I really would’ve like to have been in Vegas this weekend anyway…even without the free hugs…but I did alright. Some people just have personal space issues.

Apartheid’s Still Worse – A South African minibus taxi driver five times over the legal blood alcohol limit at breakfast time was arrested on Wednesday for transporting 49 children in a 16-seat vehicle. Repeat of key terms: Taxi driver, five times over the legal limit, at breakfast time, 49 kids, 16 seats, arrested. The 26-year-old man was pulled over at a routine check-point in KwaZulu-Natal province, where traffic officials found the children, aged between three and 13, crammed on top of each other for the morning ride to school. "The man is now behind bars," Colin Govender of the Road Traffic Inspectorate said. The driver is due to appear in court on Thursday. With the soccer World Cup just months away, police are cracking down on rogue taxi operators in the hope that foreign visitors will use minibuses to get around the country. Millions of mostly black South Africans use minibus taxis to travel between townships and cities, although many of the vehicles are barely roadworthy and fatal accidents are common. Also, remember that he was stopped at a routine checkpoint, not pulled over for swerving or having kids hanging out the sunroof or anything like that. Just wanted you to have an image of this situation. What would’ve really been awkward is if among the 49 children, there was one adult. “Seriously, I was just trying to get to the office. The driver asked if it was okay if another fare came on, I said cool, little did I know a f**king preschool was going to hop on the magic school bus. Also, I don’t wanna be a dick…but I think the driver may have been drinking.”

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Glad you could all stop by and listen to me babble on about Love and hugs and lusting for halftime entertainment and Vegas and snow bunnies and whatever else comes to mind. Supposed to be a beautiful week and the sun actually stays up for about an hour once I get off work, so I’ve been more willing to go to the gym. Still haven’t really met anybody there…but hey, the ladies get to see the goods. It’s only a matter of time before someone between the ages of 18 & 40 gives me the eye. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy President’s Day!!!

The Kwyjibo Conspiracy

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, apparently I got TV back into my life just in time to watch the Eagles season come to an end. Now, I'm not going to point out that they just happened to set an NFL record for most penalty yards in a playoff game...when they just so happened to be playing in a new billion dollar stadium in Dallas...because that would be too conspiratory. Instead, I'm going to wish the Cowboys the best of...f**k I can't even type it out. F**k the Cowboys!!! Other than that, it's pretty foggy here in Truckee today. Like I'm kind of still in a dream state in a way...but I'm not going to tell you about my dreams last night because...they would only frustrate the both of us.

Instead, I’m gonna take you back. WAAAAAAY back. To when I used to write ditties about stuff that wasn’t about just me. That’s right. Ladies & Gentlemen, I bring you…THE NEWS!!! (sans Huey Lewis). The only thing is...a lot of the links are no longer available. My apologies.

Tallest Man & Biggest Gingerbread Man - The world's tallest living man has unveiled the world's largest gingerbread man at an Ikea outlet in Norway's capital, Oslo. Guinness Book of World Records spokeswoman Justine Bourdariat says 8-foot-1-inch tall Sultan Koesen of Turkey displayed the 1,435-pound (651-kilogram) biscuit. Baked locally in the traditional gingerbread-man shape, it beat the previous gingerbread cookie record of 1,307 pounds set in 2006 in Smithville, Texas. Ikea spokesman Jan Thommesen says Guinness Book of World Records representative Kelly Gerret awarded the furniture store a world record diploma Thursday as part of the publication's World Records Day. I guess it’s kind of fitting that the world’s tallest man unveil the biggest gingerbread man…but why’s Ikea involved? I assume they paid for it or something. I wonder if this gingerbread man was dry & stale by the time they got to eat him. “No!!! Not the buttons!!!”

BIRD!!! - A man blamed a low-flying pelican and a dropped cell phone for his veering his million-dollar sports car off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston, Texas. The accident happened about 3 p.m. Wednesday on the frontage road of Interstate 45 northbound in La Marque, about 35 miles southeast of Houston (“Oh, that marsh…”). The man told of driving his luxury, French-built Bugatti Veyron when the bird distracted him, said La Marque police Lt. Greg Gilchrist. The motorist dropped his cell phone, reached to pick it up and veered off the road and into the salt marsh. The car was half-submerged in the brine about 20 feet from the road when police arrived. Gilchrist said he doesn't know if the car was salvageable, but in his words, "Salt water isn't good for anything." Take THAT, ocean! He says the man, whose identity hasn't been released, was not injured. A similar 2006 Bugatti Veyron was recently offered for sale in Jonesboro, Arkansas for $1.25 million. That’s what you get for talking on your cell phone when you’re driving, buddy. I hope it was important. Oh…and the pelican was a nice touch.

Nicolas Cage Update – In other sad, financial fubar news, Nicolas Cage's ex-girlfriend is suing the actor and his former business manager, claiming she is owed more than $13 million AND a house the actor promised her. Christina Fulton, who is the mother of Cage's adult son, Weston, sued the Oscar-winner in Los Angeles on Tuesday. She claims Cage promised her a home in Los Angeles' Hancock Park neighborhood, but that she has now been ordered to leave the property. Fulton is seeking the title and rights to the house as well as money for a series of debts she claims were caused by Cage's former business manager, Samuel J. Levin. (REALLY? $13 million in your debt is because of somebody else?) Cage's attorney, Marty Singer, called Fulton's claims against the actor absurd and said Cage has given her far more than the $6,000 per month he was required to pay her under a court order. Cage has paid $3 million per year on behalf of Fulton in recent years, he said. (f**k, I want to have an actor’s baby…) "From Nic's standpoint, this is really a case of 'No good deed goes unpunished,'" Singer said. He noted that many of the claims are leveled against Levin, whose attorney, Joseph Schleimer, did not respond to a phone message seeking comment on Wednesday. Fulton's lawsuit is the latest in a string of financial woes for Cage, who stated in a $20 million lawsuit against Levin that he is being forced to sell properties around the world to make up for financial mismanagement. The Internal Revenue Service has filed more than $6.6 million in tax liens against the actor this year, records show. Levin has countersued Cage, claiming the star owes him money and failed to heed his advice to curb his lavish spending habits (was he executive producers on sh*t movies like “Knowing”?). Fulton and Cage's son was born in 1990, and the couple split about four years later. Cage bought her a home in 2001 and told her she would own the title to the property, according to the lawsuit. It wasn't until earlier this year (when the actor told her in an e-mail that she should sell the home if she was having financial problems…because obviously he was) that Fulton states she discovered her name wasn't on the title. Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the home. Fulton accuses Levin of failing to properly review credit statements and spot fraudulent charges. She also accused the accountant of exposing her to other debts, including a $1 million in government liens. Public records show Levin has been a licensed certified public accountant in California for nearly 25 years and has no public record of disciplinary actions. Bored taking about other people’s money yet? Me too. Just thought I’d let you all know how these hard financial times have hit most of us…and that might explain why Nic looks sad & sleepy all the time. Oh…and to the baby mama…f**king deal with it & get a job. Apparently you’ve been riding the gravy train for twenty years…and I don’t care how good of a f**k you are. You ain’t worth it.

The Power of Books – At times like these, books can provide the best answers for getting out of debt & maximizing your life. How you ask? Well, for example, a first edition of Charles Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," which had been kept in a bathroom bookcase in England for years, fetched 103,250 pounds ($171,000) at auction last month, around twice its pre-sale estimate. Christie's auctioneer offered the book at a sale held in London on the 150th anniversary of the evolutionary work's original publication. The copy was bought by the family of the current owners for "a few shillings" (dollars) over 50 years ago, the auctioneer said. The seller's son-in-law recently visited an exhibition on Darwin where he saw another first edition on display and realized it was the same work as that in his father-in-law's guest bathroom. That’s right. A book worth six digits was watching guests poop. Anyway, that’s about the only real example I can give of books helping anybody outside of maybe the Kama Sutra…but it’s good to know. Hmm, I wonder what an original print of that would go for…

Pee Wee Update – Hey kids!!! Today’s secret word is…allegedly. We all remember Pee-Wee Herman. If not for the “incident” almost twenty years ago when he allegedly (AAAAAAAGH!!!) exposed himself at a dirty movie (GASP!!!) then for his children’s show. Well, guess what. He’s BACK!!! "The Pee-wee Herman Show," opening next month in downtown Los Angeles at Club Nokia theater, cost millions to mount. It boasts 11 actors, 20 puppets and marks the show's first production since 1982. So, why now? Why the hell not? "Well, you know, I really want to make a movie version of 'The Playhouse,' my Saturday morning kid show," Paul Reubens said in an interview earlier this week in which he stayed in his exuberant Pee-wee persona. "This seemed like a great way to do it: Reintroduce it, get back out there, introduce Pee-wee to the new generation that didn't know about it." An impulsive, sometimes naughty child living a fantastical world, the Pee-wee character first made a big splash with the live "The Pee-wee Herman Show," which debuted at Groundlings theater in Los Angeles in 1981. An HBO broadcast of the show spread the Pee-wee gospel across the country later that year, and a 1985 Tim Burton-directed feature film, "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," was an acclaimed and popular success (and don’t forget the sequel “Big Top Pee-Wee”). Then came the television series "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" (1986-91), which ran for five seasons, earned 22 Emmys and attracted not only children but adults to Saturday-morning television. So yeah, if you’re in the LA area & want to see a man in his fifties play a child then you have the chance. Hmm, not sure if it’s going to be a kid-friendly show…seeing as I would be considered the youth that watched Pee-Wee back in the day (right before Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future). It would be cool to see though.

Well, that'll do it for today. I've got some football to watch. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello to all my friends out there who read this. I miss you madly...so gimme a call or something if you get bored. Have a great day everybody!!!

Watching SNL Tonight?

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Haven't been updating this thing regularly...but it's mostly because the internet connection has been extremely hit or miss (damn password security, why can't people just share the web with the world?). Last night, JL Clyde & I went to an art show in Park City for a very talented artist by the name of Joseph Taylor. He has some amazing work...and because he's a student, you can get it at discount prices. Get them quick though. Remember that back in the day, Picasso would sell you one of his paintings for beer money...but when it went to the collectors, the price skyrocketed. Just letting you know.

I'd hate to bore you with the non-activity concerning my possible job position change...but basically, nothing has happened with regards to Lake Tahoe (like not even a callback yet...but they did post for a few other positions so that may be happening next week) and I'm getting to the point where I might just say "F**k it" and continue my career re-progression here with my current employer. I mean...honestly, it's a great job, great benefits, great people, they have no problem with training me consistently (rather than the situation of "Here's the problem, what do we do?" that I'm used to...and flourish in), and I don't know. I guess I'm just saying that if Lake Tahoe doesn't work out, I won't be heartbroken. Besides, the family & friends are (mostly) here...and you really can't replace that, right? Well, you can...but it's just not as good. Anyway, enough about that. To be continued.

So just before I went to Lake Tahoe, I was hanging with the Wingman...and we watched "Adventureland" starring Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart & Bill Hader. It was billed as one of those movies "From the director of Superbad" so I was expecting something hilarious like that. The story is set in 1985 I think...and is about a recent high school graduate (Eisenberg, though I'm pretty sure that Michael Cena was supposed to play this guy) whose parents have fallen on hard financial times...so he doesn't have money to move to NYC and go to NYU to be the next great American writer or something...so instead, he has to get a job to save up...and so he gets a summer job at a carnival because...he can, I guess. While there he meets an interested group of characters (okay, so interesting is a strong word) and then he meets this cute brunette (Stewart in her typical moody teenager role) and then it just drags on from there. Basically, the movie has a few brief moments of hilarity...and the other 95% is just stupid teenage drama crap. My suggestion? Don't waste your time with this one.

Last night, the Wingmans visited with their new puppy Sheba...and we ate at Buca di Beppo (okay...but pretty expensive) and then we watched "Observe & Report" starring Seth Rogen, Anna Farris & Ray Liotta. As I'm sure you've seen from the previews, it's about mall security guy (no, not Paul Blart, the other one) played by Seth Rogen who longs to be more. He takes his job seriously (somewhat) and when a serial flasher infiltrates his perimeter & exposes himself to the makeup girl that he lusts over (Farris), a detective is sent to investigate (Liotta) and he doesn't like competition. From there, he decides to apply to be a real cop...but he has some fairly obvious bipolar issues...and I'd like to say that it's funny...but there's actually a scene in the movie that I think sums up the movie incredibly well. He shows up to a meeting thinking that he's going to become a cop...and Liotta's character breaks the news to him that he's been rejected...and a fly-on-the-wall steps out of his office closet and says, "Sorry, I thought this was going to be kind of funny...but it's just really sad." There are a few parts where even I was like, "Wow!!! This is...really not...funny" and I find humor in just about everything, as you know. Anyway, it does have a few funny moments here & there...and I'm a sucker for potty humor...but I feel like towards the end they just got to the point of "Okay, how do we end this?" "I don't know let's just (completely quick & ridiculous wrap-up with no real world consequences)" "Sounds good." Personally, I'd say pass...but I can see where a few might like it. Now for some news...

The Naked Gun - Yet another reason to fear the elderly. Authorities say a 91-year-old South Florida man jumped out of bed naked and held an intruder at gunpoint until deputies arrived. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Robert E. Thompson woke up Saturday morning after a would-be burglar climbed his backyard fence and was met by his charging dog, Rettt, a Rottweiler and Doberman pinscher mix. Thompson heard the commotion, grabbed his .38-caliber revolver and phoned police without ever getting dressed. Deputies said Thompson fired a warning shot as 26-year-old Jose Pasqual started to come toward him. Thompson kept his gun trained on Pasqual until deputies arrived. Pasqual was booked in the Palm Beach County Jail on a burglary charge and did not immediately have an attorney. By the way, if you're going to rob a place, at least case it first. See if there's...I don't know...a bloodthirsty mutt...or maybe an old guy packing heat. Come on guys, if you're going to do something stupid like rob somebody, at least do it smartly. Is smartly a real word? I don't care. You get the idea. Just thought that was a funny image...and brought back memories of when my dad caught somebody trying to steal my Carmen back in the day...in the rain...in the nude...and he let him go after an HOUR and cops didn't show (but we put the fear of God in him before we let him go). When the cops showed up FOUR HOURS LATER, they wondered why we let him go. "We didn't want to get in trouble for kidnapping, torture or anything else. Besides, you're four hours late. He ain't coming back though." "How do you know?" "Because we told him that if we ever saw him again, you're not getting called." Good times.

Speaking of Cops - As you know, I enjoy certain things...such as stories that may or may not involve reverse racism. Well, here's one. Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards (even Beckham can't pull them off). The Philadelphia Daily News reported Monday that Officer Thomas Strain was put on desk duty this month because of the braids, even though the paper reported dozens of black officers wear cornrows. Police spokesman Lt. Frank Vanore says Strain's boss told the officer to cut his hair to look more "professional." Vanore says officers' hats must fit "in a military manner" over their hair, and that Strain's hat did not. Strain got a haircut; he declined comment to the paper (and therefore remains employed). Vanore recalled only one black officer with braids in the past several years. He says that officer also was told to get a haircut. Awesome. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Do with it what you will. It's always funny in Philadelphia.

Oh...and speaking of reverse racism in Philly, did any of you catch that late hit Week 1 on Donovan McNabb that bruised his ribs and gives him yet another nagging injury for the rest of his career? It was a late hit by a Panthers linebacker after the touchdown had already been scored. All I'm saying is...if it had happened to Tom Brady or either of the Manning brothers, there would've been a hefty fine, possible suspension and/or a rule change to protect the quarterbacks. However, oddly enough, it was Donovan McNabb...and it's just regarded as "Oh well, football's a contact sport. People get hurt. At least they have Vick or Kolb or Garcia to back him up now." Just something I'm throwing out there...because I can. You know what, I'm not about causing controversy...or talking about brushes with the law...or reviewing bad movies...especially after such a hiatus. I'm gonna end this on a positive note...

Megan Fox Update - The hot pants, leather biker suit and sweaty tank top that Megan Fox wore in the Transformers sequel are to be auctioned off as part of a massive film prop and costume sale. More than 100 items from "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" will go under the hammer at a Profiles In History sale in California next month. As well as Fox's clothing items, the highlights will include a 17-foot Bumblebee Autobot, the film's Bumblebee Camaro vehicle and the original Optimus Prime CGI head (ugh...the computer image?). The Bumblebee robot is expected to be the auction's big seller, with estimates starting at $60,000. Fox's short shorts, tank top and black leather motorcycle costume are expected to fetch between $3,000-5,000 each (yeah...and "Jennifer's Body" was supposed to be a hit too...but I expect them to be about right with the clothing. If they threw in a kiss from the starlet though, the price would easily TRIPLE). The Transformers sequel items will go under the hammer at the same auction as Michael Jackson's iconic illuminating white glove, which the late King of Pop wore on the Victory Tour. Should be an interesting day at the auction...but I'm afraid that outfit's a little out of my price range. The reason that I mention this...isn't just so that I can show the photos of the outfit being completely filled out in all the right ways...but also, think of this potential buyers, underneath this outfit...she was completely naked. That's right, hot sweet stanky Fox sweat...and I doubt the outfit has been thoroughly laundered...and when cloning is as popular as iPods, you'll have her DNA. Just throwing that out there...and let the imagination wander...

You gotta know how to sell it. Best of luck to her on SNL tonight. I'm sure she'll slay 'em...one way or another. Anyway, just had to end this on a positive note...and things are definitely looking up right now. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Basketball's Christmas 2009

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The concert last night was amazing...as far as cultural events go filled with classical masterpieces. Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra really outdid themselves and provided an evening full of a little dignified humor, great music...and for some reason they even threw in "My Heart Will Go On" and that's when I resorted to texting. JL Clyde apparently went to a special presentation of a movie that was so horrible that just checking out the preview for it...made me cringe a bit. It's called "Black Devil Doll" and apparently it's this independent blaxploitation horror flick that's touring around the world (kid you not, it's next stop is LONDON) and...well, just check out the preview if you dare. It's rated NC-17 and I think that's only because they couldn't give it a worse rating. Check it out...if you dare.

Other than that, of course, Basketball's Christmas 2009 Edition was last night with the NBA Draft...and I'm VERY happy with what my Spurs have done over the past few days...but here's a little review (and critique and random thoughts) of what went down last night...and what I believe the future holds for some of these players. Hope you enjoy.

2009 NBA Draft

1. LA Clippers - Blake Griffin (Oklahoma) - Even the Clippers couldn't screw up this pick. Hands down he was the best player in this draft and honestly...at this point, seems like the only one that has the potential to be a great player...though I hope that I'm proved wrong. It's just that the draft now seems to be all about potential instead of current skills because they're drafting teenagers instead of seasoned players in their early twenties. This guy's a great inside scorer, rebounder, even defender, so yeah...as soon as he gets away from the Clippers he could be something great...but as long as he stays there, he'll probably be the victim of some freak accidents like it seems this cursed franchise is destined for...but I hope that streak is changed too. Good luck, Blake!!!

2. Memphis - Hasheem Thabeet (UConn) - You can't teach big...and this guy is 7-foot-3 with the relative wingspan of a f**king condor. He has the potential to be a great shot blocker & rebounder...and as long as they don't try to run the offense through him, they should be fine. He can clean up the boards and put back dunks or something. I see him as a clone of Samuel Dalembert, who plays for the 76ers. Imposing on defense...but let him take the shot and grab the rebound on offense. The major question with him...is that he's as skinny as rail...and he doesn't want to play in Memphis (I have no idea why) but both of those can be handled with one thing...and that's BARBECUE!!! After a year of that sweet Memphis BBQ on Beale Street, the guy will gain about thirty pounds and fall in love with the city (check out some of the sights) and be happy being the big man in town. Get this, Hasheem. You won't even have the pressure of being the biggest star...or having the funniest name...because your new teammate O.J. Mayo takes care of both. Did you know his full name is Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo? Now you do. Enjoy Memphis...and quit being such a whiny b**ch about living the dream. (I despise people who complain about where they get to play ball. It's probably the one reason I would move to Detroit...or Beirut...for $30,000 a year, not the millions that these douches are gonna get)

3. Oklahoma City - James Harden (Arizona State) - Some people were a little surprised by this pick...but they shouldn't be. He was really the third best player in this draft and a great scorer on an average team in college. His offensive skills are unquestioned (except for being a little shorter than the prototype) but it's defense where he's going to have to improve to be a great player. Also takes some of the weight of Kevin Durant's shoulders in running that team. They also drafted one of the best big men in the draft with B.J. Mullens (Ohio State) who has a lot of potential...but is just a young'un so it may take a few years for this team to really turn the corner. They're REALLY bummed that they didn't get the number one pick to get hometown Sooner hero Blake Griffin...but they'll deal with it.

4. Sacramento - Tyreke Evans (Memphis) - Really wanted to stay in Memphis with that number two pick...but yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Sacramento may prove to be a nice fit for him though. he's a big athletic guard who likes to run & score and not play a whole lot of defense...and that's perfect for this team. Okay, he's a better defender than that...but still. He has a lot of potential...but is another one of those one-and-done players, so who really knows. It may take a year or two before he develops into a star. The Kings also got a great big to help him out with Jon Brockman (Washington) in the second round. They still seem to be far away from making the playoffs...but they have a few key players if they can stay healthy.

5. Minnesota - Ricky Rubio (Spain) - I didn't understand why this guy was so hyped. Okay, he's played pro in Spain for a few years and is 18 years old. He played on the Olympic team (allegedly though I don't recall seeing him) and he throws a few behind-the-back passes and they're saying he's the next Pistol Pete Maravich. First off, HOW DARE YOU??? You have to have some BALLS to compare this kid to the Pistol. Maravich broke every single scoring record in NCAA history...and revolutionize the game of basketball. He also did it against the pinnacle of competition. This kid didn't even shoot around against a player in a workout. It was a few one-on-none drills...and nothing too impressive. He also requires a $4-6 million buyout from his Spanish team, he's learning English, he's shy and introverted, and just a host of other things that scream, "Don't waste a lottery pick on this guy." Yet the T'Wolves picked him. They do need a point guard...so maybe they're just hoping this guy blossoms into a fantastic player in a few years...or at least puts some asses in seats in the Great White North.

6. Minnesota - Jonny Flynn (Syracuse) - And then with the next pick, they completely boggle my mind. Another point guard? Do they play on working them out and then trading the lesser of the two? See, that's what happens when little Ricky Rubio won't work out against a player. It's amazing what a lot of mystery, a few video clips and a great manager can do for a nobody that played in Europe. Anyway, Flynn's a pretty good guard. He's a little undersized but plays with a lot of heart, a lot of skill...and has no problem with taking it right to anybody in the lane, no matter how big they are. I like those kind of players. That's how you have to play the game. In the long run, I see Minnesota sticking with Flynn and trying to trade Rubio away. Rubio, at best, may be the next Jason Williams (the fancy passing one).

Side note: Is it just me, or does the name Jason Williams seem to be cursed when it comes to the NBA? Observe. First, there was Jayson Williams who played with the Nets in the 90's and was one of the league's favorite guys. A great role player with a booming, fun-loving personality and a favorite on NBA Inside Stuff (which I watched religiously as a kid). He even battled through knee injuries with just a huge smile on his face. Then he accidentally shot a limo driver while showing off a shotgun...and tried to cover it up...and has managed to stay out of jail...but isn't the ball of passion that he once was. Every time I see him in the courtroom footage, I cry a little inside for seeing that passion die. Be careful with guns out there everybody. It's not just Jayson either. That was followed up by the aforementioned Jason Williams (hereafter referred to as J-Dub) who played high school ball with Randy Moss, college at Florida and then was drafted into the pros and was called the next Pistol Pete. Well, once he realized that the NBA actually plays defense once in a while, his fancy passing turned into turnovers, everybody realized he couldn't shoot, and he was a third string point guard for the Heat when they won the championship a few years ago...but never reached his potential. Not sure what he's doing now. Then there was Jason Williams (went by Jay to try to break this curse) who had an amazing collegiate career with Duke and was taken with the second overall pick by the Bulls in 2002 (only behind Yao Ming) and was on his way to resurrecting the Bulls franchise since Jordan left. Then he got in a motorcycle accident in the offseason...and his career was over. He's a broadcaster now on ESPN but who knows what he could've been as a professional player. He had some major skills and the right attitude...but a major mistake...and it's all over. I hope he goes on to win multiple awards for his broadcasting. He seems like a great guy. They all seemed like great guys (though J-Dub was kind of a West Virginia hillbilly) so it may just be mere coincidence that these horrible events and memories of lackluster careers feel upon these three gentlemen...but then again, everything happens for a reason, right? Who knows the mysteries of the universe? Anyway, back to the draft...

7. Golden State - Stephen Curry (Davidson) - This guy is just an amazing shooter. The son of former outstanding NBA role player Dell Curry, this guy can shoot from anywhere within 40 feet with pinpoint accuracy. He was the nation's leading scorer...while also learning to be a point guard and distribute to his teammates. If he were about three inches taller, there'd be no question that this guy would be a superstar really...but that's not the case, so he's got a lot of question marks. Personally, I think he'll make a great fit at Golden State because they have plenty of ball hungry shooters already...so he can get a lot of practice in distributing the ball...and when they're covered, they can kick it out to him for a three-pointer to spread out the defense. It could be a great fit...as long as they don't expect him to be a 25 point a game scorer. That probably won't happen in the NBA for this guy...but if he can distribute & hit the three when needed, he can have an long, productive career like his dad did.

8. New York - Jordan Hill (Arizona) - Great player. Seemed a little undersized but played hard and has great potential. He can shoot, play D, very quick and athletic for a big guy. I don't really see him as a superstar or anything...but a solid role player at least. I was also really impressed that the Knicks were able to get Toney Douglas (Florida State) in a trade with the Lakers. Douglas is another player that I really like watching during ACC action on ESPN. He's a great shooter, defender and all around player. Again, the only real downside seems to be his stature...but not a bad gamble with a late first round pickup. Hate to say it...but the Knicks may have had the best draft this year. Oh and don't worry, that's not what he looks like gentlemen. I just found it funny that there was another Jordan Hill out there.

10. Milwaukee - Brandon Jennings (Italy) - Okay, I saw this guy play in a McDonald All-American game last year and he was okay. Not amazing, just okay. Originally, he signed a letter of intent for Arizona...but decided to just go pro. Because of the "one-and-done" rule, he couldn't go straight to the NBA from high school...so he went to Rome to play for a year...and played very mediocre. Then during the pre-draft interviews, he called out Ricky Rubio as all hype...which I'll admit was a little warranted, but seeing interviews and stuff with this guy, I don't particularly care for his attitude. That being said, this isn't a game of attitude...and I hear he's supposed to be pretty good. Haven't been able to see him thanks to Italian League games only being played in some parts of Italy...but we shall see. I'm also a little curious why the Bucks drafted Jodie Meeks (Kentucky) for the exact same position in the second round...but hey, they're the Bucks. They haven't been relevant since Lew Alcindor played for them in the early 70's. (By the way, brownie points if you know who Lewis Ferdinand Alcindor, jr is and what classic comedies & kung fu movie he has starred in)

13. Indiana - Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina) - "Experts" have been giving the Pacers a lot of flack for picking him...and they're kind of warranted because they really needed a point guard more than a forward...but they went with the best player in the draft at this point in my opinion. The same experts were saying that he'd fall to #20 with the Jazz (which would've been awesome) but instead Indiana gets a great rebounder, defender and post scorer who plays with a lot of heart & grit...and sure, this guy may not become a huge megastar...but it's very unlikely that anybody else available. I was REALLY hoping this pick would drop...and I hope that he's the steal. He's a great player with a great attitude...but I can understand that a lot of people are hesitant about the white boy with a great college career (that's right, I said white boy) because of past infractions like Todd Fuller, Mark Madsen, Danny Ferry, Rex Chapman, Adam Keefe, Bryant Reeves, Keith Van Horn, Chris Mihm, and a host of others who were top 10 picks and didn't amount to much...at least until they got into the team's front office and set up championship-caliber teams. So either way, maybe that four-year education will come in handy. Also, the best nickname in the draft with "Psycho T", how can that not be a good sign? (Please forget about Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen)

18. Denver - Ty Lawson (North Carolina) - My opinion...the best point guard in the draft...up until he broke his ankle senior year. That's why he fell this far...but has a great situation on a championship-caliber team in the Nuggets playing backup to Chauncey Billups for a year or two while the ankle heals...and who knows what then? This guy reminds me a lot of Derek Fisher, who may not go into the Hall of Fame...but is a great guy playing a long career.

20. Utah - Eric Maynor (VCU) - Loved watching this guy play with VCU a few games...but may be a little short for the league. Not sure how he works in Jerry Sloan's system...but really the best talent available at the time...and a lot of upside as a scorer on the perimeter and slashing penetrator to create opportunities for others. They also drafted a big guy in Goran Suton (Michigan State) to help out. Had to mention the hometown team.

37. San Antonio - DeJuan Blair (Pittsburgh) - STEAL OF THE DRAFT!!! Great rebounder, inside presence, interior defender, fits in perfectly with a championship caliber team that just added a scorer in Richard Jefferson by trade and was looking to fill in the rebounders that they gave up for him. Perfect situation coming in off the bench to start...and can rebound Manu Ginobili's misses when he's the only offensive option weapon on the court. I can't tell you how excited I am with this pick...and he definite should've been a top 20 pick...but angels were smiling down on the great state of Texas. A lot like Carlos Boozer...just not quite the offensive threat. Undersized a little...but yeah, great pickup for the Spurs...and then they drafted a few unknown foreigners with their other second round picks...including a French guy. Maybe he'll be another Tony Parker...some day.

45. Minnesota - Nick Calathes (Florida) - I really only mention this guy because one of my new coworkers, we'll call him Gator, kept bringing him up. Apparently he went to college...and then decided to leave early to go pro...in Europe. He left his name in the NBA draft...and now can choose between Minnesota (by the way, he's a point guard too...and they just drafted those two earlier...so they'll probably trade him too) or go to Europe. Just an interesting situation where the guy left early to go pro in Europe is all. Apparently Florida wasn't nice enough...so he'll go to Greece or Spain or Italy or something. Not a bad situation, just different. Good luck, Mr. Calathes.

Anyway, that's what I think about the Draft...and of course there are still trades to come and contracts to be signed...so we'll see what happens over the summer...but barring something major, you probably won't hear from me about the NBA until around Halloween when the season starts again. I realize most of you don't care about basketball as much as I do...but these are just my thoughts and I thought I'd keep them down to check later and see if I predicted the busts or surprise players. It's what I do. Oh...and I think I saw something on the news about Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett passing away. Don't know if anybody else caught that. Rest in peace y'all. However, on that note, when I'm watching CNN...and it's nothing but them waiting for a coroner's report for six hours...that's not news. "Breaking news: "King of Pop" was major influence on younger artists" or "Lisa Marie: Michael was afraid he'd die like Elvis" Really? Is that breaking news? I'm afraid that I'll die like Elvis...but we all die...some of us on the crapper with a peanut butter & banana sandwich in our hand. That's life. Enjoy it while you got it. What does Obama think? "My condolences to his family. Now if you'll excuse me, Iran is trying to start another war...and I have a job to do."

That'll do it for today. Tomorrow it's the Arts Festival and some fun late night activities, so until then, have a great weekend & enjoy your round-the-clock Jacko coverage. If he comes back in two days, please don't form a religion around him. Peace!!!

And the First Pick Goes To...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a pretty chill day. I slept in a bit, moved the furniture around in my apartment a bit & have finally started putting up some decorations, and then I called to see what my dad was up to...and he had just finished doing a Harley charity run, so we decided to hang out and watch Game 7 of the Celtics/Magic playoff series. I also got to listen to my stepmom talk about her "experience" camping trip to the Valley of Fire near Vegas...and basically sweat all day in hundred degree desert temperatures, then dance around a fire all night. I'm thinking this is one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences for her. I thought she knew that you slept during the day when you're in or near Vegas. She has so much to learn. So yeah, the game was okay...and the Magic won.

I also thought it was REALLY odd that just about every commercial during the game was about Kobe & LeBron. Not seperately...but together...like there may be some kind of conspiracy to have the two of them meet in the Finals or something...just throwing that out there. All the announcers were already talking about it...and my dad & I were like, "Ugh...the defending champions are on TV right now. Remember last year when you were talking about the Celtics & Lakers in the Finals since Christmas? Can you at least wait until it's not blatantly obvious that's what the plan is." Speaking of which, my prediction for tomorrow...for the NBA Draft Lottery...is the the number one pick goes to the Oklahoma City Thunder. Why, you ask? The number one pick is going to be Blake Griffin, that's a given. Who was raised in Oklahoma...went to the University of Oklahoma...and will play professionally in Oklahoma...because he's the marketable name in the draft. Think LeBron going to his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers...or even this last year when Derrick Rose went to his hometown Chicago Bulls. Maybe it's just luck...but that's my prediction. P.S. Tyler Hansborough's playing for the Bobcats next year. No matter where they pick in the lottery, whether number two or number ten. Write it down. So let it be written...

Anyway, enough about my sports business conspiracy theories, the other day I finally watched a movie that I was really excited to see when I first heard about it...and then quickly died down when I heard the details...and then completely fizzed out when other people watched it opening weekend & I respect their opinions. What movie is this, you ask? "The Day the Earth Stood Still" remake. Now, the original is a classic...and if you haven't seen it, I'm sorry to hear that. Great flick. This one...is surprisingly boring & slow-paced. Now I can spend all movie watching Jennifer Connelly stare in complete amazement with those beautiful sapphire peepers of hers (and pretty much had to for half the movie) but the rest of the movie was...well, not good. Keanu was born to play Klaatu...but that's not really a compliment. John Cleese was in the movie...for two minutes. Gort was...I mean, why did they even try messing with it? Seriously. I'm still scratching my head as to why Will & Jada's kid is even in the movie other than to be annoying as hell. He's the Jar Jar of this movie...and I hate to wish the end of the human race starting with a ten-year old...but it somehow got to that point. I don't know, it didn't really appeal to me at all. Still the best movie of the day...but that was only because it was up against W & Twilight. Again, not really a compliment. Watch the original. It's better written...and executed, even without the CGI and multi-million dollar budget. Now, for something that's going to really make you scratch your head...

Keanu Update - Keanu Reeves is attached to star in a contemporary retelling of Robert Louis Stevenson's classic novella "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" for Universal Pictures says The Hollywood Reporter. Plot details of this interpretation are being kept under wraps, though the story of the doctor who scientifically develops an evil self has been adapted many times before. Justin Haythe ("Revolutionary Road") is penning the script while Nicolas Winding Refn (who?) is in negotiations to direct. The likes of John Malkovich, Kirk Douglas, Michael Caine, Jack Palance, Boris Karloff, Dougray Scott, Leonard Nimoy, Anthony Perkins, James Nesbitt, Christopher Eccleston, Anthony Andrews, Udo Kier and even David Hasselhoff have all played versions of the character over the past five decades...and now, Keanu. I even remember a comedy version of this flick starring Tim Daly & Sean Young...and what was "The Mask" but a similar take on the dichotomy of man, what he presents to the world...and the inquenchable thirst for life, love & power that parches his very soul unless fully emersed in his most primal instincts...but I'm only assuming this one isn't supposed to be funny. Really? Keanu? There are so many great actors out there...and you go with Johnny Utah? Well, I guess it could be worse. Wait, what's that? Another update?

Jekyll & Hyde Update: Part Two - Hot on the heels of the news that a contemporary 'Jekyll and Hyde' film entitled "Jekyll" is in the works with Keanu Reeves, a rival project has sprung up. Forest Whitaker and Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson are attached to play the lead roles in "Jekyll and Hyde", the classic tale about a doctor who invents a potion that unleashes his violent alter ego says Variety. Abel Ferrara (who?) helms this re-imagining which, like its rival, will also have a contemporary setting (no sh*t). Brett Walsh and Randall Emmett are producing. Shooting kicks off later this Summer. So yeah, Forest Whitaker AND Fitty...are going to play what I can only assume is a mix of Jekyll & Hyde & the Nutty Professor.

The good news from all of this though...is apparently, even I could become the director of a major Hollywood remake of Jekyll & Hyde. I could get somebody like...Gary Oldman to do it. No, that'd make too much sense. Wait! I've got it. Zach Efron!!! And it'll be a musical. From the guys who brought you the 40 Year Old Virgin. It simply can not miss. I am a damned genius. I'll invite you all to the ceremony for my star on the Walk of Fame.

That'll do it for the day. If you're bored, I made a "How Well Do You Know $teve?" quiz on the Facebook. I'll probably copy it over her tomorrow if I have nothing better to share. Have a great day everybody!!!

Lady Robot Assassins

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was more fun…but again, pictures will be downloaded shortly…so in the meantime, here's some other news to fill your day…and maybe even your mind…with knowledge…or more likely disturbing images.

Swimsuit Issue - Butt first, the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated came out…so I thought I'd start off with this image. The girl on the cover is Israeli model Bar Rafaeli, who apparently hangs with Leonardo DiCaprio. I especially like the article title "Bikinis or Nothing" and then there's a stamp saying body paint with a beautiful woman. Now, being a marketer, I know exactly what that's supposed to infer…and I lick it…er, like it. This is, of course, the most popular annual article of the weekly sports magazine…so today millions of men will get their new reading material along with a pack of smokes at the nearest convenience store. The articles and layouts really are quite remarkable and tasteful (directed at those who are currently judging me in a less than flattering manner). Check 'em out.

Mind Reader - Have you ever read this blog and wondered "I wonder what $teve's really thinking about…" Of course you haven't…because I'm great at just letting it out. However, not everybody has the same openness as I do (GASP!!!) but it's probably a good thing in most cases…because you may not want to know what they're thinking. Then again, you may want to know…and that's where Canadians may finally be helping out. Canadian researchers say they can glean simple preferences from a person's brain by shining near-infrared light into the noggin. The study, reported in the Journal of Neural Engineering, demonstrated the ability to decode a person's preference for one of two drinks with 80% accuracy by measuring the intensity of near-infrared light absorbed in brain tissue, the scientists said in a statement today. "This is the first system that decodes preference naturally from spontaneous thoughts," says Sheena Luu, a University of Toronto doctoral student in biomedical engineering who led the work at the university's Bloorview Kids Rehab center. Near-infrared light has a longer wavelength than visible light. In the beginning of the study, nine adult volunteers rated eight drinks on a scale of one to five. Then, wearing a headband fitted with fiber optics that emit light into the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, the subjects were shown two drinks on a computer monitor, one after the other, and asked to make a mental decision about which they liked more. "When your brain is active, the oxygen in your blood increases and depending on the concentration, it absorbs more or less light. In some people, their brains are more active when they don't like something, and in some people they're more active when they do like something." After teaching the computer to recognize the unique pattern of brain activity associated with preference for each subject, the researchers accurately predicted which drink the participants liked best 80 percent of the time. Other research has suggested brain activity could be monitored before decisions are made, perhaps with a mind-reading hat that would predict what we'll do. The goal of the new research is ultimately to open the world of choice to children who can't speak or move…but apparently need a stiff drink. You heard it hear folks. Canadian are working on little mountie hats that will read your mind. First drinks, then what toppings you want on your pizza, then the nuclear missile launch codes…so when the Apocalypse begins, just do what the Academy Award-nominated song says…and "Blame Canada! They're not even a real country anyway."

Sexbot Update - Speaking of technology, it has been reported that popular singer & alleged robot Rihanna has filed assault charges against singer Chris Brown. Now, as you're aware, domestic violence does not stand well with me…at all. Like, I get extremely frustrated just thinking about it. However, I also believe that Rihanna is a robot…though I don't have a whole lot of proof…yet I'm still extremely concerned and conflicted…both for well-being…and what her ultimate objective is. Allow me to explain my theory. You may want to sit down and take a deep breath…so that when this knowledge LITERALLY blows your socks off, you won't fall and hurt something. Okay, it started a few years ago when hip-hop legend Jay-Z was retiring (I warned you, this thing goes straight to the top) but he still really liked making money. So he brought together the finest minds in robotics…to build him a pure moneymaker, a superhot sound machine to rise to the top of the pop charts. The scientists came up with RI-HANNA (Robotic Intelligence - Hottie Artist with Nuclear Nanotechnological Assimilation) basically it regenerates off solar power and uses it's nanoprocessors to assimilate the traits of other hotties…but with override principles in place for a "puppet master" if you will. Jay-Z was pleased. He even came up with a convincing back-story (seriously, does Barbados even really exist? Have you been there? How do you know?) Cash was flowing from his wazoo. He had the post-retirement albums, clothing sales, his own vodka, new clubs from Vegas to Macau and now…a figurehead that could go on tour for months at a time (even though there were a few glitches along the way - "Umbrella-ella-ella-ella…") and all the profit would go directly to him, instead of some b**chy prima donna. Perfect setup. About the same time, this 16-year old kid named Chris Brown started singing hit songs…and also becoming a major touring artist. Nothing like a little competition though, right?

Then the economy flushed. High-end clothing sales tanked. His new club in Vegas went bankrupt in less than a year. His albums weren't selling like they used to, no more diamond records, just platinum. You would think that his vodka sales would rise…but it's too damn expensive…and you can always get Popov Vodka for like ten bucks to get your drunk on. His last hope to continue enjoying the Anti-Hard Knock Life was RIHANNA (while his Weather Dominator & Time Machine are still in the Research & Development phases). However, this Chris Brown kid was now on the same par as his experiment…and cutting into his market share of the teenage pop music market club hits. There was only one thing to do - Take him out of the equation. First, he would have RIHANNA introduce herself…and work her charms on him, gaining his trust, and then when the time is right (like say…right before a performance at the Grammys) DESTROY HIS WHOLESOME IMAGE!!! Thus leaving RIHANNA not only with her current share of the market…but also acquiring most of his. It's a great plan…but what else would you expect from Jigga? It would've worked too…if not for one blogger who exposed the truth…to both of his readers…and then they told two people…and then they told two people...and so on…and so on. I'm sorry to do this Jay-Z…but monopolies just don't help the economy…and I don't think Miley Cyrus is of club hit age yet (Hmm, RI-HANNA…and HANNA Montana? This may require more investigation.) Anyway, the sad thing is that I kinda hope this is the truth and not some random story that I just made up when I had nothing better to do…because otherwise it's domestic violence…and that irks me. Anyway, it's all alleged assault right now…so let's wait until the facts come out…and not speculate (any more than I already have).

Gut Instinct - As I have explained, my decision making process is…pretty much a Democracy. For more details, please feel free to read this link…but it basically consists of three branches: Executive (Brain), Legislative (Heart) and Judicial (The Wang…or Gut). However, once again, science is backing me up…and finding that our "Gut Instinct" may be something more than a vague term. Sometimes when you think you're guessing, your brain may actually know better. After conducting some unique memory and recognition tests, while also recording subjects' brain waves, scientists conclude that some gut feelings are not just guesswork after all. Rather, we access memories we aren't even aware we have. "We may actually know more than we think we know in everyday situations, too," said Ken Paller, professor of psychology at Northwestern University and co-researcher on the study. "Unconscious memory may come into play, for example, in recognizing the face of a perpetrator of a crime or the correct answer on a test. Or the choice from a horde of consumer products may be driven by memories that are quite alive on an unconscious level." The findings were published online Sunday in the journal Nature Neuroscience. The research, done with only a couple dozen participants, adds to a growing body of conflicting evidence about decision-making. In one study done in 2007, researchers found that quick decisions were better than those given lots of thought…but a study last year suggested neither snap judgments nor "sleeping on it" trump good old-fashioned conscious thought. During the first part of the memory test in the new study, participants were shown a series of colorful kaleidoscope images that flashed on a computer screen. (I'm reminded of the scene from Ghostbusters - "I don't know…a couple of wavy lines?") Half of the images were viewed with full attention as participants tried to memorize them. While viewing the other half, the participants were distracted: They heard a spoken number that they had to keep in mind until the next trial, when they indicated whether it was odd or even. In other words, they could focus on memorizing half of the images but were greatly distracted from memorizing the others. A bit later, they viewed pairs of similar kaleidoscope images in a recognition test. "Remarkably, people were more accurate in selecting the old image when they had been distracted than when they had paid full attention. They also were more accurate when they claimed to be guessing than when they registered some familiarity for the image." Splitting attention during a memory test usually makes memory worse. "But our research showed that even when people weren't paying as much attention, their visual system was storing information quite well." See ladies, we don't have to be paying full attention. We're soaking in all the information about your day & water cooler gossip AND watching Sportscenter. During the tests, electrical signals in the brain were recorded from a set of electrodes placed on each person's head. The brain waves during implicit recognition were distinct from those associated with conscious memory experiences. A unique signal of implicit recognition was seen a quarter of a second after study participants saw each old image. Other related research has shown that amnesia victims with severe memory problems often have strong implicit memories, Paller said, "Intuition may have an important role in finding answers to all sorts of problems in everyday life." Indeed, this could prove fruitful…but in the meantime, sometimes you just have to go with your Gut…unless you ate something you shouldn't have. Then you may want to seek advice elsewhere.

Well, that'll do it for today. It should just be a day or two before I share all the wonderful pictures and stories of the past few days with y'all. Just in time for Valentine's Day…and then for me to head off to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Good times are just around the corner. Have a great day everybody!!!

Tying Up With Tigers

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Apparently, though not much has happened, in the spirit of NaBloPoMo, I get to ramble a bit. This is also my 100th post on this second blog location...and I still haven't changed anything on it in the over three months. Sad, I know...but some day...some day. Been watching football this morning and afternoon...and I can't believe the Eagles tied the Bengals. The first tie in the NFL since 2002 (thank God, what is this? Hockey?) For those who don't know, the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl this year...and the Bengals won a game earlier this year on a fluke...and the tied at 13 in their game today...because apparently Eagels QB Donovan McNabb is suffering from some kind of horrible disease and/or was poisoned by Bengals coach Marvin Lewis out of revenge...for having banged his mom earlier in the week, I suppose. So sad.

Last night, I was working overtime...and basically made about three hundred bucks for beautiful women taking their clothes off and giving them to me. That's right, you've found out my secret. I work at a gentlemen's club. Now you know my terrible secret. Some great people have worked at gentlemen's clubs though - Hugh Hefner, Eric Clapton, Oprah, even Jesus did some carpentry work at a gentlemen's club back in the day. Google it. There's no shame in it. Women are beautiful creatures...and some men like to pay to view these works of art. You don't criticize museums for charging admission do you...and they have similar rules. No touching the pieces. No photography. No outside food or drink. There's an extra charge for private exhibits. The only thing missing is a two drink minimum...and you also usually feel a little ripped off when you leave...but that's not going to stop you from coming back. Okay, so I don't really work at a gentlemen's club...but in these hard economic times, I'm really thinking about looking for a part-time gig at one. I'd make a great accountant...and help out human resources when interviewing new employees. "Congratulations. You...will start Tuesday afternoon. I don't care what you dad says, bullet wounds aren't sexy."

Honestly, that's really about it for today...and I'm pretty lazy and have more football to watch. Hopefully you're all having a great weekend...and if not, as usual, gimme a call and I'll give you a few cheap laughs depending on your cell phone plan. Have a great night everybody!!!