The Kwyjibo Conspiracy

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, apparently I got TV back into my life just in time to watch the Eagles season come to an end. Now, I'm not going to point out that they just happened to set an NFL record for most penalty yards in a playoff game...when they just so happened to be playing in a new billion dollar stadium in Dallas...because that would be too conspiratory. Instead, I'm going to wish the Cowboys the best of...f**k I can't even type it out. F**k the Cowboys!!! Other than that, it's pretty foggy here in Truckee today. Like I'm kind of still in a dream state in a way...but I'm not going to tell you about my dreams last night because...they would only frustrate the both of us.

Instead, I’m gonna take you back. WAAAAAAY back. To when I used to write ditties about stuff that wasn’t about just me. That’s right. Ladies & Gentlemen, I bring you…THE NEWS!!! (sans Huey Lewis). The only thing is...a lot of the links are no longer available. My apologies.

Tallest Man & Biggest Gingerbread Man - The world's tallest living man has unveiled the world's largest gingerbread man at an Ikea outlet in Norway's capital, Oslo. Guinness Book of World Records spokeswoman Justine Bourdariat says 8-foot-1-inch tall Sultan Koesen of Turkey displayed the 1,435-pound (651-kilogram) biscuit. Baked locally in the traditional gingerbread-man shape, it beat the previous gingerbread cookie record of 1,307 pounds set in 2006 in Smithville, Texas. Ikea spokesman Jan Thommesen says Guinness Book of World Records representative Kelly Gerret awarded the furniture store a world record diploma Thursday as part of the publication's World Records Day. I guess it’s kind of fitting that the world’s tallest man unveil the biggest gingerbread man…but why’s Ikea involved? I assume they paid for it or something. I wonder if this gingerbread man was dry & stale by the time they got to eat him. “No!!! Not the buttons!!!”

BIRD!!! - A man blamed a low-flying pelican and a dropped cell phone for his veering his million-dollar sports car off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston, Texas. The accident happened about 3 p.m. Wednesday on the frontage road of Interstate 45 northbound in La Marque, about 35 miles southeast of Houston (“Oh, that marsh…”). The man told of driving his luxury, French-built Bugatti Veyron when the bird distracted him, said La Marque police Lt. Greg Gilchrist. The motorist dropped his cell phone, reached to pick it up and veered off the road and into the salt marsh. The car was half-submerged in the brine about 20 feet from the road when police arrived. Gilchrist said he doesn't know if the car was salvageable, but in his words, "Salt water isn't good for anything." Take THAT, ocean! He says the man, whose identity hasn't been released, was not injured. A similar 2006 Bugatti Veyron was recently offered for sale in Jonesboro, Arkansas for $1.25 million. That’s what you get for talking on your cell phone when you’re driving, buddy. I hope it was important. Oh…and the pelican was a nice touch.

Nicolas Cage Update – In other sad, financial fubar news, Nicolas Cage's ex-girlfriend is suing the actor and his former business manager, claiming she is owed more than $13 million AND a house the actor promised her. Christina Fulton, who is the mother of Cage's adult son, Weston, sued the Oscar-winner in Los Angeles on Tuesday. She claims Cage promised her a home in Los Angeles' Hancock Park neighborhood, but that she has now been ordered to leave the property. Fulton is seeking the title and rights to the house as well as money for a series of debts she claims were caused by Cage's former business manager, Samuel J. Levin. (REALLY? $13 million in your debt is because of somebody else?) Cage's attorney, Marty Singer, called Fulton's claims against the actor absurd and said Cage has given her far more than the $6,000 per month he was required to pay her under a court order. Cage has paid $3 million per year on behalf of Fulton in recent years, he said. (f**k, I want to have an actor’s baby…) "From Nic's standpoint, this is really a case of 'No good deed goes unpunished,'" Singer said. He noted that many of the claims are leveled against Levin, whose attorney, Joseph Schleimer, did not respond to a phone message seeking comment on Wednesday. Fulton's lawsuit is the latest in a string of financial woes for Cage, who stated in a $20 million lawsuit against Levin that he is being forced to sell properties around the world to make up for financial mismanagement. The Internal Revenue Service has filed more than $6.6 million in tax liens against the actor this year, records show. Levin has countersued Cage, claiming the star owes him money and failed to heed his advice to curb his lavish spending habits (was he executive producers on sh*t movies like “Knowing”?). Fulton and Cage's son was born in 1990, and the couple split about four years later. Cage bought her a home in 2001 and told her she would own the title to the property, according to the lawsuit. It wasn't until earlier this year (when the actor told her in an e-mail that she should sell the home if she was having financial problems…because obviously he was) that Fulton states she discovered her name wasn't on the title. Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the home. Fulton accuses Levin of failing to properly review credit statements and spot fraudulent charges. She also accused the accountant of exposing her to other debts, including a $1 million in government liens. Public records show Levin has been a licensed certified public accountant in California for nearly 25 years and has no public record of disciplinary actions. Bored taking about other people’s money yet? Me too. Just thought I’d let you all know how these hard financial times have hit most of us…and that might explain why Nic looks sad & sleepy all the time. Oh…and to the baby mama…f**king deal with it & get a job. Apparently you’ve been riding the gravy train for twenty years…and I don’t care how good of a f**k you are. You ain’t worth it.

The Power of Books – At times like these, books can provide the best answers for getting out of debt & maximizing your life. How you ask? Well, for example, a first edition of Charles Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," which had been kept in a bathroom bookcase in England for years, fetched 103,250 pounds ($171,000) at auction last month, around twice its pre-sale estimate. Christie's auctioneer offered the book at a sale held in London on the 150th anniversary of the evolutionary work's original publication. The copy was bought by the family of the current owners for "a few shillings" (dollars) over 50 years ago, the auctioneer said. The seller's son-in-law recently visited an exhibition on Darwin where he saw another first edition on display and realized it was the same work as that in his father-in-law's guest bathroom. That’s right. A book worth six digits was watching guests poop. Anyway, that’s about the only real example I can give of books helping anybody outside of maybe the Kama Sutra…but it’s good to know. Hmm, I wonder what an original print of that would go for…

Pee Wee Update – Hey kids!!! Today’s secret word is…allegedly. We all remember Pee-Wee Herman. If not for the “incident” almost twenty years ago when he allegedly (AAAAAAAGH!!!) exposed himself at a dirty movie (GASP!!!) then for his children’s show. Well, guess what. He’s BACK!!! "The Pee-wee Herman Show," opening next month in downtown Los Angeles at Club Nokia theater, cost millions to mount. It boasts 11 actors, 20 puppets and marks the show's first production since 1982. So, why now? Why the hell not? "Well, you know, I really want to make a movie version of 'The Playhouse,' my Saturday morning kid show," Paul Reubens said in an interview earlier this week in which he stayed in his exuberant Pee-wee persona. "This seemed like a great way to do it: Reintroduce it, get back out there, introduce Pee-wee to the new generation that didn't know about it." An impulsive, sometimes naughty child living a fantastical world, the Pee-wee character first made a big splash with the live "The Pee-wee Herman Show," which debuted at Groundlings theater in Los Angeles in 1981. An HBO broadcast of the show spread the Pee-wee gospel across the country later that year, and a 1985 Tim Burton-directed feature film, "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," was an acclaimed and popular success (and don’t forget the sequel “Big Top Pee-Wee”). Then came the television series "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" (1986-91), which ran for five seasons, earned 22 Emmys and attracted not only children but adults to Saturday-morning television. So yeah, if you’re in the LA area & want to see a man in his fifties play a child then you have the chance. Hmm, not sure if it’s going to be a kid-friendly show…seeing as I would be considered the youth that watched Pee-Wee back in the day (right before Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future). It would be cool to see though.

Well, that'll do it for today. I've got some football to watch. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello to all my friends out there who read this. I miss you madly...so gimme a call or something if you get bored. Have a great day everybody!!!