Still Just a Rad-a-Nic Cage

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Nicolas Cage is an American treasure. Let’s be honest. He’s an Academy Award winning actor (“Leaving Las Vegas”) and has had iconic roles & legendary freak-outs. His movies have been colossal blockbusters and incredible flops… and his acting has ran the gamut of award-winning to a meme maker’s wet dream. However, can you recall the last big, good movie that he has starred in? “Kick Ass”? “Sorceror’s Apprectice” maybe? Those were five years ago… and he’s been in a LOT of movies since then. We’ve already reviewed a few of them (“Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, “Drive Angry”, “Outcast”, “The Frozen Ground”) but there are a LOT more… and you’ve probably never even heard of them. So thanks to Netflix… here are a few movies from Nicolas Cage’s last five years that you might have missed…

 

First up was his latest movie, “The Runner” starring himself, Sarah Paulson, Connie Nielsen & Peter Fonda from director/writer Austin Stark’s feature length directorial debut. The story is about a Louisiana politician (Cage) who is ferociously fighting for his constituents in the aftermath of the 2010 BP Oil Spill… and just when he’s getting traction… get involved in a sex scandal because he’s been banging a fisherman’s wife while his trophy wife is the hot sister from “Devil’s Advocate” (Nielsen). Well, on the advice of his advisors (including Paulson) & his father who was a somewhat disgraced mayor of NOLA (Fonda), he decides to resign from his post… wait it out… and then start fighting BP again… and then has a relationship with his advisor (whose still married) and… okay, it’s a movie about politics and how it’s all kind of screwed up… and it’s called the runner because he runs every morning… and he’s running for office… and he’s running from himself & his own stupid decisions I guess… but it’s an okay movie. It’s really tough to root for the guy when he keeps making HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE decisions constantly throughout… but you’ll notice that’s a trend in a LOT of Nicolas Cage’s recent movie roles (and personal life). If you like political non-thrillers & wanna see some New Orleans, check this movie out… if not, pass.

 

Now, if you want a more exciting New Orleans-based Cage movie, then check out 2011’s “Seeking Justice” starring Sir Nicolas, January Jones & Guy Pearce from director Roger Donaldson (“The Recruit”, “World’s Fastest Indian”, “Species”, “Cocktail”, so he’s got some range).This movie is about a high school English teacher named Will (Cage) whose wife (Jones) is violently assaulted… and while he’s in the waiting room, he’s approached by a man named Simon (Pearce) who says that he sympathizes for his situation… and the city has gone to sh*t… and the Justice System is flawed… but he knows who attacked his wife… and if Will would like… then Simon & his group of fellow-minded vigilantes can exact VENGEANCE and make it look like a suicide. The cost? Sometime down the road, they will ask him to do a favor for them. That’s all. What happens after that… is a bit of a twisted tale of corruption, lies, counter-lies, VENGEANCE and more. I really enjoyed the movie… even though there were a few decisions made along the way that didn’t make a whole lot of sense… but I’m surprised that I didn’t hear much about this movie. The performances are good. It’s set in New Orleans. It’s a Vigilante Vengeance movie. Yeah, check it out!

 

Next up was a bit of a throwback with 2005’s “The Weather Man” because it was on Netflix… and Izzy & I hadn’t seen it. This was the movie that Gore Verbinski directed between “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies… and is about a Chicago weatherman (Cage) who wants to be the weatherman on “Hello America” in New York with Bryant Gumbel. His father (Michael Caine) was a Pulitzer Award-winning author… but he’s dying of lymphoma. His wife… is divorced & marrying another guy. His kids… pretty much don’t want anything to do with him. People throw food at him in the street because… people are dicks. The movie is about whether he can get his life together… and basically he’s a bit of a selfish prick… but also doesn’t use his words well (odd for a weatherman) and ends up just screwing things up along the way. Now… it’s an okay movie despite my horrible summary… but it’s also kind of boring at times, not going to lie. There’s a lot of things about choosing between your career & your family… maximizing your short, short life… all that stuff… but you may want to follow it up with an action movie. Check it out!

 

 

Okay, back to the last five years… and remember when I mentioned ‘incredible flops’ earlier? Well, “Trespass” was #1 on my list. This movie stars Sir Cage, Nicole Kidman, and is directed by legendary filmmaker Joel Schumacher (mostly legendarily bad for “Batman & Robin” but he also directed “Phantom of the Opera”, “The Client”, “A Time to Kill”, “The Lost Boys” and others). The budget was $35 million. Any guesses what the total box office for this movie was? No, seriously, guess. About a million? Lower. About half a million? LOWER!!! Fifty grand? LOWER!!! Total box office was $24,094 and it broke the record for theatre-to-home-video speed by going from nationwide release to DVD in only 18 days. “From Justin to Kelly” took 29 days. That being said… I actually liked this movie. The story is about a diamond dealer (Cage) and his family (wife Kidman) are in their home when it’s attacked by robbers… who want to get the diamonds in the vault… but then betrayal rears its ugly head. I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll just stop it there. Yes, some of the acting is… annoying. Overall though, it wasn’t a bad way to spend 90 minutes. You could kind of see what was going to happen… but the way it unraveled was pretty interesting. Check it out!

 

Next up was one called “Pay the Ghost” starring Sir Nicolas and the mom from “Walking Dead” as the parents of a young son who… well, they lose at a Halloween carnival (no, his name isn’t Carl). After a year without any leads… the couple has divorced… and Halloween approaches again… and some things start to suggest that their son may not have been abducted by a pedophile at a public place… but some ancient evil ghost. Yeah… the premise is… shaky. It’s not a horrible movie though. Not a great movie either. Not even really that memorable to be honest. It’s… very blah. Fun fact though: the kid in the movie is the kid who’s the star of the Academy-Award nominated movie “Room” and he does a pretty good job. Cage does well too. The mom not so much… she kind of just has the creepy waif neck muscles that are mildly disturbing… but yeah, check it out. It’s free. Why not?

  

We also watched “Rage” starring Sir Nicolas, Rachel Nichols as his completely age-appropriate wife & Peter Stormare. Cage plays a reformed criminal / construction foreman… and his daughter is kidnapped… and killed. So now he rounds up some of his old buddies for some good old fashioned VENGEANCE and finding out who killed his daughter… and maybe why… he has plenty of reasonable reasons from his past indiscretions though. This movie… was probably my favorite of all the ones reviewed this entry. I mean… it’s Vengeance… it’s twists & turns… it’s gritty… and honestly, I think the best performance in this whole movie is from the head of the Russian Mafia (No, NOT Peter Stormare, he’s Irish in this movie) played by Pasha Lynchnikoff. He really does a great job for such a small part… and I REALLY liked the ending. Crazy stuff… check this movie out!

 

Last up was a little movie called “Stolen” starring Nic, Malin Akerman, M.C. Gainey & Josh Lucas… and directed by Simon West, probably best known for the modern classic “Con Air”. This movie is about a bank robbing foursome who get pinched by a New Orleans detective (Danny Huston) during their big $10 million heist… well, just Nicolas Cage does, but he’s not found with the money… so he serves an 8 year stint in jail. When he’s released… he’s under constant surveillance since the police think he still has the money… as does his old crew… in fact, one of them kidnaps his now teenage daughter and holds her ransom in exchange for the money. One problem though… he burned it to get a reduced sentence when they found him. He’s got 12 hours to get $10 million dollars… or his daughter’s dead. What do you do? Well… I think Nicolas Cage has really made it a point to have every movie over the past few years be in New Orleans, which I’m all about… even if it’s probably because of house arrest and/or probation. That being said… I’d say check this movie out. There are a few questions that will come up… but overall, not a bad little flick. It’s pretty much what you expect.

 

Oh, there are a few more movies like “Joe” and “Left Behind” that… well, really I’ll probably get to another time… but Christ Almighty, that’s SEVEN Cage Movies in a week… my penis can only get so erect. Until I’m in my refractory period… have a great weekend everybody!!!

The Robin's Next

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I watched a movie called “Outcast” that popped up on our Netflix suggestions. Why? I’m assuming because Nicolas Cage was in it (briefly) but you would know that as the story synopsis involves feudal China in the 12^th century. What’s that? Why is Nicolas Cage in a story about 12^th century China? Why he’s the mentor to Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), duh!!! Oh, he’s in it too… did I mention that? Sorry, I’m still a little scattered from this movie. Shall I start from the beginning? My humblest apologies (the only apologies I know how to do). Our story begins during the Crusades… where two crusaders (Cage & Christensen) have a bit of a falling out during a battle. Smash cut to three years later in China… oh no, the movie does that… it’s not just my synopsis… to where an elderly Chinese monarch is dying… and has a moving conversation with his young son (says he’s 14 but couldn’t be more than 10 years old) and daughter (of not quite banging age, I’m sure) saying that the monarch wants his young son to be ruler… since his eldest son is basically a warlord. Who’s that at the door? It’s the warlord son, RUN!!! So they run… and within… probably three miles of their journey, they stumble upon to a town, are instantly recognized & the story is over. Roll credits. Wait! NO!!! That’s right… opiate addict Anakin Skywalker is in this restaurant where they’re capturing the young son & daughter… and while trippin’ balls, he sloughs a dozen or so elite “black guards” like it’s f**king nothing… and then they run off together. Of course, Anakin (okay, his name is Jacob in the movie) doesn’t want to take them anywhere… but then he has a premonition that this may help save his soul from all the horrible things that he did during the Crusades. What’s going to happen? Watch the movie… it involves Nicolas Cage stroking his beard with a snake looking like Egg Shen from “Big Trouble in Little China” and some decent fighting scenes… it’s pretty gritty though. Basically, if you like stuff like Game of Thrones, it’s not a bad watch. Don’t look too deep into the story or anything though… it’ll just piss you off.

 

My 19-year old cousin Alicia flew in last night & she and Izzy went to the zoo today (so you can catch picks on her blog someday) but since we haven’t done a whole lot yet together… here’s episode #2 of Movies by $teve!!! This edition, is kind of a continuation of last week’s “Rockford Files” casting… so now we cast what was basically the continuation of that series…

 

Magnum, P.I.

(queue that insanely awesome intro music)

 

Plot Summary: Fun-loving Vietnam (gulf war in reboot?) vet Thomas Magnum has turned his very particular set of skills into being a private investigator… and is employed by a ludicrously wealthy author Robin Masters. Magnum lives on the Masters Estate in Hawaii… which is ran by a very strict disciplined man named Jonathan Higgins. It seems that just about every week that Magnum is… well, not necessarily hired for a case… but usually involved in some sort of shenanigans involving gun play, fights with the Yakuza, saving an old Navy friend, an attack on the life of Robin Masters (they didn’t like his latest book?) or some sort of hit squad… and he usually needs to call on his friends TC & Rick to help out. Oh… and he does it all in the tiniest f**king short shorts that you’ve ever used to wrangle a python. Enjoy!

 

Thomas Magnum – Timothy Olyphant – Everybody know that Tom Selleck was the original Magnum. There’s just not a Tom Selleck out there other than Tom Selleck… but he’s 70 years old now. He still looks like he’s in his late 40’s but fun fact: He was 35-43 years old when he was playing the role of Tom Magnum in the 80’s. Let that sink in for a minute… next year is my 35^th birthday. Coincidence? Why do I say this? Timothy Olyphant is 47 years old… looks like he’s in his early 30’s… and was born in Honolulu… so he was a teenager when Magnum was on the air… so he’s basically BRED for this role. That is all FACT!!! He’s also had similar smart-ass action roles… and is taller than most actors at six-foot. Sure there may be bigger draws like Matthew McConaughey (45) or taller actors like Joel McHale (43) but I just like the idea of Timothy getting another shot at big budget movie leading man stuff… and this role kinda suits him. Of course he will have the moustache… and maybe a scene or two in the speedo or short shorts… but yeah, don’t want it to be too distracting.

 

Jonathan Higgins – Gary Oldman – Higgins is the caretaker of “The Robin’s Nest” which is the humble sprawling abode of Robin Masters… and he was a decorated sergeant major in the British Army before joining the private sector and he’s usually joined by his Dobermans Zeus & Apollo. He tells a good “old war story” from time to time… but does not care for Magnum’s lack of discipline or antics… but there’s definitely some underlying respect and/or rapport… but still plenty of witful banter between the two. Though I could see that role going to somebody like Ewan McGregor, Jude Law, or any other British actor out there… but Gary Oldman is a f**king chameleon who can pull off the understated “I’ve seen some sh*t” that underlies Higgins’ character if you want a more dramatic movie. He will also have the moustache… but you should pretty much know that by now.

 

Ted “TC” Calvin – Terry Crews – This former Marine turned tourist helicopter pilot is an old buddy of Magnum… and I can think of a more charismatic, hilarious& chiseled human being to play the part than Mr. AB-DOMINAAAAAAAAAAALS himself, Sir Terance Alan Crews. You may know him from various things like “Expendables”, “White Chicks”, “Everybody Hates Chris”, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, “Norbit” and perhaps the greatest role in cinema history, President Camacho in “Idiocracy” but he’s a very versatile actor… and I just want to see him in more things. I almost put him in my “Rockford Files” reboot until I realized the only African-American role in… well, the whole series… would’ve been Gandolph Fitch & Wesley Snipes just needs it more.

 

“Rick” Wright – Mark Wahlberg - His full name is Orville Wilbur Richard Wright… but you can just call him Rick & he is a bit of playboy who manages the King Kamehameha Club (also owned & operated by Robin Masters) but he’s also an ex-Marine and helps Magnum out whenever needed… usually… when it benefits him. Okay… so the first time that I saw the series… I swear that “Boogie Nights” Marky Mark went back in time& played Rick in the TV show… you simply can’t deny the resemblance. Is it racist? I don’t think so… but yeah, Mark Wahlberg as Rick. There really wasn’t even an alternative. Like Vince Vaughn as Rockford in the last one, Marky Mark was born to play Rick Wright.

 

Robin Masters – Voice of Alan Rickman – This mysterious man of mystery who, I suspect, does a LOT more than just write books (I always thought that he was based on Stephen King with Bill Gates money & even more influence) was never seen on camera save for a few shots of his hand holding a glass of brandy on his private jet… but he was voiced by the legendary Orson Welles. I like to keep the mystery as to what Robin Masters looks like… and even really playing with the idea that he’s really Tom Cruise/Ethan Hunt from the Mission: Impossible movies this whole time… but we’ll save it for one of the many sequels. Instead, there are many great actors with many distinct voices that could be used such as Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, Kevin Spacey, Tim Curry, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Anthony Hopkins, Sean Connery, Patrick Stewart, Jon Hamm, or even legendary voice actor Maurice LaMarche AS Orson Welles… and there’s really no wrong answer in this world. Hell, I’d even try to work out a way that the ghost of Vincent Price was the voice of Sir Masters… but the Voice of God is gonna be my choice… or IS IT? Sigh… yeah… it is… or Maurice LaMarche. Then the big reveal at the end is that it’s actually dame Helen Mirren with a voice synthesizer. Robin’s a sexually flexible name. MAGICK!!!

 

The Bad Guy – Ken Watanabe – The Yakuza usually play a big part in the crime surrounding Hawaii on the show… so it only makes sense that Magnum would be involved in one of the plots. Maybe the Yakuza are attempting to assassinate Robin Masters or something… I don’t know, earn your own keep Hollywood! However, for an actor of Japanese descent, you really can’t go wrong with Ken Watanabe. Yes, there will be a couple (implied) gruesome scenes involving cutting off fingers, making an unwitting American fall on their sword after falling him, all that usual stuff… but yeah, there’s gonna be a lot of gunplay and martial arts in the finale. Also, I have Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson showing up for a brief altercation opposite TC (Crews) at the Club to keep the action going. Maybe a quick bar fight… why not?

 

The Director – Michael Mann – One important thing that I forgot to mention with the Rockford Files is that there needs to be a certain tone & overall feel to the movie which requires a certain touch behind the camera. For the Rockford Files, being heavy on the humor, maybe somebody like Vince Vaughn’s buddy Jon Favreau might be able to do it along with some great thrilling action & storytelling as well. However, for Magnum, I really like the kind of vibe that came when Michael Mann did the “Miami Vice” movie… but perhaps with a bit more humor & banter between the characters. There are definitely scenes in “Collateral” that had that vibe though… and “Heat” is of course legendary… so yeah, I’d be intrigued how Michael Mann would do with a project like this.

 

So yeah… you’re welcome once again, Hollywood! I’m sh*tting out summer blockbusters not based on comic books. Also, tell me that anybody is going to say “no thank you” to shooting a movie in Hawaii for three months minimum? Anyway, something to percolate on… have a great weekend everybody!!!

Frozen, Safehouse & Cyser

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Friday night, Izzy & I watched a movie that’d been on our queue for Netflix for a while called “The Frozen Ground”. Why was it on our queue? Well, it’s about an Alaskan troooper (played by Nicolas Cage) who is trying to find a serial killer (played by John Cusack… yes, John Cusack) before he strikes again… and basically the only lead that he has to go on is an underage prostitute (Vanessa Hudgens), but aside from her personal quibbles… she also has a mean pimp (50 Cent). By the way, this is NOT a comedy… it’s actually based on a true story. I just want to make that abundantly clear from the beginning. It’s not Ghost Rider trying to convict a serial killing Edgar Allen Poe with the help of a High School Musical dropout fallen on hard times… but still, you can see why it’s intriguing at a casual glance. The movie… is actually pretty good, hence why you’ve probably never heard about it, even though it came out in 2013 other than on my blog a few years ago. There are even some other character actors that you’ll recognize from other things (Kevin Dunn from “Transformers”, Kurt Fuller, Dean Norris from “Breaking Bad”, Brad Henke, etc) but the movie sets a dark, seedy tone… and the acting isn’t completely over the f**king top like you might expect from Mr. Cage or Mr. Cusack (okay, there are a few moments towards the end but… you know, climax). Also, fun fact: Vanessa Hudgens… can actually f**king act. I mean… the character for the most part is kind of lacking… but she actually pulls it off really well. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her in some actual movies going forward… not that teeny bopper bullsh*t. Good for her! I definitely recommend watching this movie on Netflix if you like the genre… or all the TV capers and stuff. I’ll warn you though… this movie will make you think of…

  

Director Christopher Nolan’s “Insomnia” from 11 years earlier… you remember? After “Memento” but before the new Batman trilogy? Al Pacino trying to find a murdering Robin Williams with the help of Hilary Swank in the city of Nightmute, Alaska? During the time of year where the sun doesn’t set for months? There’s sleep deprivation, an internal affair investigation, some cover-up conspiracies and a lot of artsy focus shots? Well… Izzy hadn’t seen it… so I made her watch it right after. I’m pretty sure I’ve reviewed this movie before… so I’m just gonna say check it out if you like the genre. I liked it.

 

Saturday, Izzy & I went to a meeting with the advisory board for the Safehouse for the Performing Arts here in San Francisco. Izzy has been assisting one of the board members for a while… and I was her ride… but we sat in the meeting & basically, we’re very interested in helping out the organization to promote the arts in the area… and maybe a few other things… but more on that to come. We also had some gyros & dolmathes at a great little Mediterranean place next door called Greek King. Good times!

 

Afterwards, we had made a Costco run in the morning to get food for the week & ingredients for our next batch of boozy goodness… Cyser. Now, you may be asking, “$teve, what the f**k is Cyser?” Well, have you ever imagined what Liquid Love might taste like? Well, it’s a lot like this. Previously, we’d made Mead (honey wine) and it turned out… questionable to say the least. We’d also made Apple Cider with fantastic results. Cyser… is the marriage of apple cider & honey to make an absolutely fantastic alcoholic concoction of which the world rarely sees. Basically for this batch, we got four gallons on 100% apple juice, five pounds of Clover Honey, some yeast nutrients (to help out the yeast & keep them active over long periods of time) and sweet mead yeast. It’s actually really simple. There’s not even a boil or anything involved for bittering, etc. because sanitization is aided by the help of campden tablets before adding the yeast 24 hours later… so yeah, here are some pictures… and the delicious end results will be in a few months…

 

 

Sunday, Izzy & I are beginning to officially walk more… like tracking on apps & stuff. See, I was basically volunteered to head up a walking team at work to promote fitness… and figured it’d be good motivation for me to do stuff like… walk for an hour after I get home from work & change or… get up early and go jogging or… you know, pair with the smoothies & drinking tea instead of Mountain Dew… which by the way has been going great thus far. Anyway, what makes it great motivation is that other people will be kind of depending on me to do it (team environment) and we can support each other… and Izzy of course wants in on it too. So yeah, probably more beautiful walking pictures to come… like this one…

 

Another great thing that happened this weekend… we’re getting to a point where our logo for Terrible Lizard Brewing is coming together… and we’re working on situation to get it in an event near you (if you’re in the Bay Area) but still a lot of hurdles… but without further ado… have a great weekend… and BEHOLD!!! The first real draft of the Terrible Lizard Brewing logo!!!

 

 

Incomplete Movies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,



It’s been a lot time since I did a movie list… and I was watching movies earlier this week & thought I’d start one up… so behold…



Movie Endings That REALLY Felt Incomplete



There’s a difference between movies feeling incomplete… and leaving for interpretation. Films like “Reservoir Dogs”, “In Bruges”, “Inception”, “Total Recall”, “French Connection”, “The Italian Job” and a few others leave the endings ambiguous for the viewer to decide what happens… but these are more movies that had a lot of pretty obvious questions that weren’t answered… or just forgot to make sequels for… or some even made sequels but completely forgot a few things along the way. Anyway, these were just a few that I thought of the other day when thinking about the subject… but I know that I’ve forgotten a few. By the way, spoiler alerts… since we’re talking about movie endings… but yeah…



• Goonies (1985) – Okay, this was the one that started the thought the other night… and I know they’re allegedly doing a sequel 30 years later or whatever… but at the end of the movie… even as a kid, my thought was “Okay, there’s a marble bag full of (fake-looking) precious stones left from the ship. Is that going to be enough to buy all of the houses back? I’m not sure what property values are in 1985 Astoria, Oregon but… I’m not 100% sure that’s all going to be handled in 24 hours and/or that’ll cover all of the neighborhood. Especially if you have to sell in a hurry! Also, if they’re stinking rich now somehow… do they want to stay there? All of them? Obviously they weren’t doing too well before so they may have some crippling debt to pay off first… or at the least bank liens. Also, where the f**k is the ship going? Out to see like an abandoned Russian cruise ship? Somebody’s going to after that, right? I mean… the kids just said they got a pocketful of these precious stones worth millions… and that was a drop in the pond of that floating money bin! Is the guy who’s making the golf course going to go after it? He probably has a boat… the coast guard? Why the f**k not? It’s a floating fortune. Roll credits? Are you serious right now?” So yeah… glimpse into the world of young $teve… before he learned about his own One-Eyed Willie… but then again, I also think that the years around 1985 were basically the Golden Era of Movies with shows like Back to the Future, Goonies, Rocky IV, Romancing the Stone, Ghostbusters, Revenge of the Nerds & so on…



• Rocky III (1982) – Speaking of the Rocky series… the original is a classic… number two was pretty good too despite being thrown together willy-nilly… the third one was where it started getting a little campy… but Clubber Lang (Mr. T) was a f**king BEAST!!! Okay, quick summary of the movie. Rocky’s champ & his rival from the first two movies Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) has retired. Along comes this f**king badass boxer from Detroit named Clubber Lang… and he’s just destroying cats. He’s also about the greatest self-promoter in the history of boxing by just showing up at news conferences & talking trash to Rocky… making lewd comments at his woman… and basically pushes his manager Mick which… I guess incidentally led to his death in a way? Anyway, Rocky fights Clubber… and gets beaten like a mule. Clubber is the champion. Mick is dead. Rocky is bummed. Well, Apollo Creed steps in and says “I’ll be your manager and teach you to fight like me… it’s the only chance you’ve got.” Rocky says something back in mumbled gibberish but it’s basically “Okay.” They train… montages… rematch… more trash talking… Rocky eventually wins the rematch… orchestra plays… roll credits. Rocky IV comes out two years later… and CLUBBER LANG IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!!! What… how is there not a 3rd bout? That’s what the boxing world is based on!!! Selling the rematch!!! That was the whole premise of Rocky II!!! Did Clubber Lang just retire from boxing to go work on an assembly line in Detroit? F**K NO!!! Absolute worst-case scenario: He’s the #1 contender for another decade, making millions of dollars fighting others INCLUDING the rematches with Rocky Balboa, collects them checks and then at the ripe old age of 38, died from a cocaine overdose in the company of several Brazilian supermodels in his mansion. That’s the movie I want to see. Now, Rocky IV was a classic in its own right… but think of it, even with the addition of Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), Clubber is #2 contender… and I’d personally LOVE to see that match-up of Clubber vs. Drago!!! Wouldn’t you??? That’s the sh*t that needs to happen, Hollywood!!! You’re welcome!!!



• Over the Top (1987) – Speaking of Stallone movies… I understand that this movie was kind a half-ass thrown-together movie about professional arm wrestling where they paid a LOT of money for Stallone to play Lincoln Hawk, whose basically an absent father & then when the mother is close to death (Disney disease?) then he has a chance to impress his son… by being the best arm wrestler in the world. Okay, that’s… a premise. The thing is… at the end of the movie, he’s won the title… and apparently he bet on himself… not sure if that’s really legal… but then, did we forget the scene where he drove his semi truck through the front yard & fountain of his child’s wealthy grandparents? I just felt like… consequences were coming from that at the end of the movie because… silly me, I think they should… and Robert Loggia doesn’t forgive easily. Oh well… it’s just a horrible movie.



• Next (2007) – So basically from the mid-80’s my remembered movie list jumps about twenty years to the next batch where they seemed to have forgotten endings. Now, I understand this Nicolas Cage / Jessica Biel flick was based on a notion by Philip K. Dick as many great sci-fi movies are… even if they’re not really futuristic sci-fi. Basically Nicolas Cage is a guy who can see a few minutes into the future, so he can see hundreds of possible scenarios & pick the best one… the government finds out… and now he’s on a mission to find a nuclear bomb before it goes off. He does a good job… and they find the bomb… then the credits roll. I… okay? What about the people who stole the bomb? Are we going after them now? I just seem to remember this movie ending with Nicolas Cage walking off, I think to go find them… and the credits rolling like “Is… Is that it?” Now, there were a few movies around this time that were supposed to have sequels like Jumper (2008) & Eragon (2006) but because they sucked so bad, the movies just left on little cliffhangers… but I’m not sure if Next was one of those movies… anyway, interesting concept but it just left me wanting at the end. Especially with the possibilities of sequel titles… like Next 2 (next to what?)… the Next Next… the Final Next… The Next Problem… The Sequel to Next… I don’t know… maybe that’s why they didn’t do it.



• Death Proof (2007) – I’ve mentioned this before back when I watched the movie for the first time… but after sticking around through the end credits of this movie to see what was going to happen when the three heroines of this movie returned with a completely trashed Dodge Challenger to Jasper’s home in the backwoods of Lebanon, Kentucky. Alas, there was no resolution in this Tarantino masterpiece… but perhaps that was his intention… to let the viewer picture their own ending… or in my case, sequel.



• No Country for Old Men (2007) – GREAT flick… kind of an ambiguous ending… I don’t know, it just seemed like a weird point to stop & roll the credits, right? Eh, I guess that’s why I’m not a professional critic. I don’t have enough training in nuance & a bunch of terms for film that if they really mattered, there wouldn’t be a minimum of four Transformer movies or SEVEN Fast & Furious flicks.



• Zodiac (2007) – I REALLY hate to question the merciful ending of a three-hour borefest like this movie… but yeah, after three hours of… this movie… it just kind of ends. What happens? What was learned? Not a whole hell of a lot… except I’m at least three hours older now… apparently it was just the thing to do in 2007 is leave your movie without a decent third act or any kind of resolution.



• 2001: Space Odyssey (1968) – Again… three hour flick… this one’s actually really f**king good too… amazing special effects by today’s standards let alone the 60’s… but after watching it, my initial response was “What’s up with the f**king baby? Is this a metaphor? Sigh… f**king Kubrick…” Now, I’m sure if I really wanted to, I could talk to a Kubrick expert… and delve into the genius that is Kubrick… and all the layers of his artwork… and get all the meanings that my simple mind might have missed in watching this flick (along with a few others he made) but to do that… I’d have to actually speak with a Kubrick expert… and the few that I’ve seen on television have steered me away from engaging in such conversation. So… barring I find a non-pretentious Kubrick expert… I’m just going to enjoy the overlying concepts of technology vs. nature, man’s path of self-destruction, logic vs. longing & all that crazy stuff… and just leave the Space Baby alone. I probably don’t want the answer anyway.



Did I forget any? Let me know…



Anyway, I’ll be back with more entries in a few days… this time probably beer related stuff and ACTUAL movie reviews. You’re welcome. Have a great day everybody!!!

Thin Man & Bacon Girl

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

There have been a few recent posts on the Terrible Lizard Brewing blog about our SF Beer Week adventures… but now it’s time for the more journal-ish part of the blog… about just my silly ass. So here’s what you might have missed. Ugh… One night, Dizzy & I watched “The Ladies Man” starring Tim Meadows, Will Ferrell, and the ageless one Billy Dee Williams. Seriously… did you know that Lando is in his mid-70s? Which means that he was about 65 when “The Ladies Man” came out… and 43 when he was f**king Lando in “Empire Strikes Back”!!! Mack fact, Jack! Black don’t crack. Anyway, I’ve reviewed this movie before (go see it if you haven’t) so I won’t bore you with it right now. Check out the archives.

 

Courtesy of Netflix, we watched “The Croods” starring the voice talents of Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener & others. The Croods are a family of Neanderthals who basically spend their days hunting & their nights hiding in a cave to avoid getting eaten. Until one day, their curious older daughter (Stone) goes out into the night… and finds a slightly more evolved young man (Ryan Reynolds) who tells her that the world is going to end in a great destruction that’s coming. Well, it comes… and now this family must escape dangerous creatures and make it to… I don’t know, the Great Valley (for all you “Land Before Time” fans out there). It’s a kid’s flick… and it has some funny moments… but yeah, fairly predictable. The weird thing is that I remember this show having a poster at my bus stop for… I don’t know… four months leading up its release… and then I didn’t see it anywhere. Maybe that’s how the kids shows are nowadays. If they don’t have $100 million the first week, then they’re fast tracked to DVD sales to make way for the next one that will… but yeah, good to see Nic Cage still getting work. He’s the father Ugg by the way. Check it out if you have kids… or if you don’t, you’re not really missing much. Whatever you do… don’t be a dinosaur / ice age nerd and be looking for anything resembling scientific fact or reason though. Just remember, it’s a kid’s flick. There will be farts.

 

Thursday night, Dizzy & I had a little bit of a Valentine’s Movie Night and were going to the El Cerrito Theatre to watch “The Thin Man” which is the original of the Nick & Norah series… but that showing was sold out… so we decided to just swing by Silver Screen Video & pick up their copy. Oh, you haven’t heard of the Nick & Norah series? They’re from the 1930’s is probably why… but it may sound familiar. It’s a former detective husband Nick Charles (William Powell) and his playful heiress wife Norah (Myrna Loy) and they investigate murder cases… basically because they’re bored… and usually have cocktails in their hands while doing it. Also, this movie was directed by W.S. (stands for Woodbridge Strong) Van Dyke… who get this, from 1917 to 1942, directed 91 films. That’s almost four films per year… so basically the opposite of directors nowadays who direct one every four years. Also, this movie also had one of the great suave Latin lovers of the day… Cesar Romero. What’s that? Oh you’ve heard that name somewhere? Because he was the f**king Joker in the 60’s Batman TV series… but before that, he was even MORE awesome. Anyway, the movie is kind of a Hitchcock detective flick meets the Marx Brothers as Nick & Norah are always quick with the witty remarks & impeccable comedic timing… and I absolutely loved it. They movie was fun, intriguing (if just to see the separate beds in the master bedroom & the jargon of 80 years ago when the movie was made) and just a good ol’ time at the movies. Sure, it would’ve been cool to see on the big screen but… oh yeah, I have a big screen at home. Problem solved. Now we’ll probably have to see some of the other Nick & Norah movies… and I’m perfectly okay with that. Now for some news…

 
 

Jersey Bacon Festival - Get ready for bacon like you've never eaten, drunk or worn it before. Bacon milkshakes. Chocolate-covered bacon shaped like roses. Bacon-flavored toothpaste, dental floss and lip balm. Bacon bourbon, margaritas, beer and vodka. Bacon ice cream sundaes. A BLT sandwich with a full pound of bacon. They're all on the menu this week as one Atlantic City casino stretches the bounds of good taste and cardiovascular health with Bacon Week. The festival at the Tropicana Casino and Resort gives new meaning to the term "pigging out." The idea of a bacon festival is not as far-fetched as it might sound. Americans eat about 1.5 billion pounds of bacon a year, according to the National Pork Board. And the website bacontoday.com counted nearly 30 bacon festivals around the country from late April through December 2013, many of whose tickets sold out in minutes. "Bacon is like heaven," said Nadina Fornia, of Egg Harbor Township. "If you're going to die, die with bacon on your lips and a BLT in each hand." Perhaps a little dramatic… but she was drawn to the casino Monday by the promise of bacon in far-out forms, including milkshakes and beer (not in the same glass, thankfully.) She also heard about the bacon-infused vodka. "That is my quest today," she said. Fornia tried a bacon bloody Mary mixed with a smoky bacon beer. Despite the overwhelming salty taste and the small strip of bacon floating in the glass, it tasted mostly like sharp tomato juice, she said. Nearby were chocolate covered pretzels with crumbled bacon bits; chocolate-drizzled potato chips with bacon, two kinds of pasta dishes with bacon, bacon cupcakes, and bacon wrapped around a fake green stem to form roses, which were then dipped in chocolate. "The first taste is chocolatey, then it's all bacon," said Melissa Ehrke, of Egg Harbor Township. "I was a little surprised I liked it, 'cause I was afraid to try it. It's that whole sweet and salty thing." While bacon-flavored grooming items are sold at festivals around the nation, they were encountering some skepticism at the Tropicana this week. "There are people that are just crazy for bacon," said Denise McGrath, of Neptune City. "But bacon toothpaste or floss? I'm not that crazy." James Sanders, of New York City, was in heaven trying as many free samples of bacon-flavored items as he could get his hands on. "I love me some bacon!" he exclaimed between bites of ... something. "I don't even know what this is, but it's got bacon in it. And it's good!" Sanders said eating bacon is a multilayered experience. "You keep chewing it and chewing it, and the flavor comes out the more you chew on it," he said. "And then you get to the fat and that floods into your mouth. I just love it." Carrie Jorgenson and her husband, Mike, were downing the bacon bloody Mary beer concoctions, while channeling celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse. "I love pork. All things pork," she said. "That's what Emeril used to say, that pork fat rules, and it does." So… in other words… it’s like our Bacon Day parties… but over in on the Jersey Shore. Good to know but… I’ll stick to the West Coast… cuz you and I know it’s the Best Coast.

 

Anyway, again, be sure to check out the Terrible Lizard Brewing blog for some of the fun recent events in the world of $teve & Dizzy. Some of the things coming up from SF Beer Week include us helping with a 200+ gallon batch of IPA, a Barleywine festival, a big homebrew party with the SF Homebrewers Guild, and a bunch of our own homebrew things like starting a new batch (Oktoberfest), bottling another (Winter Warmer)& sampling a few others (Bourbon Barrel Porter & Quick Mead). Have a great weekend everybody!!! And Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Tapes or DVDs?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I hope that you all enjoyed (what you could see) of my first issue storyboard of “RoboPanda vs Zombie Dinosaurs” and don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll all be HUGE fans by the time that the real drawings come through… and I’m thinking that by Christmas 2015 your children will be BEGGING for the new array of toys, videos & bedding sets… but please keep in mind that you can’t put a price on your children’s happiness… and the proceeds go to a worthwhile cause… my retirement fund. Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Anyway, back in the present, spent most of the weekend not being sick… but not really exerting myself because the flu is going around & I wasn’t feeling it Friday night after work… which is really disappointing because I missed out on a party for some coworkers that are moving on to other careers. I really wanted to wish them well… but also didn’t want to get anybody sick. Congratulations you two!!! Other than that, I spent the weekend with Dizzy watching football, ironing out details for the comic book, planning the menu for Bacon Day: Part Deux next weekend & just enjoying each other. We also met up with some of her work friends for some drinks at Chevy’s to celebrate a 25^th birthday. Good times were had. I’m sure that all interests you… but I also watched some movies… so here are some reviews.

As you know, I have a soft spot for bad movies. I enjoy watching them sometimes… and I’m always curious about movies that critics completely pan even before seeing them (including myself). So Thursday night, I was going through the movie channels the last few days that I’m going to have TV… and I stumbled upon “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” starring Nicolas Cage. It’s the sequel to the Marvel Comics adaptation of “Ghost Rider” and you may recall it from an early Nicolas Cage update that it had so much going for it in the way of bad movies.

1) It was the sequel to a not-so-good original movie

2) Nicolas Cage desperately needs money… and his recent choices in acting gigs has confirmed it

3) Directed by the team Nevaldine & Taylor who brought you the likes of “Jonah Hex” & both “Crank” movies

4) Originally, the storyline was going to be Ghost Rider vs. Dracula… but that changed

5) Christopher Lambert (“Highlander”) made a cameo

The story goes that there is a mother & child being pursued by the Devil (Ciaran Hinds) and his henchmen (AJ from “Empire Records” no joke) and only the Rider (Cage) can protect them. Why are they being pursued? Well, as he put it in the movie “You’re the Devil’s baby mama…” and the story kinda goes from there. There are a LOT of scenes were it’s a mix of CGI transformations, Nic’s bad end of the “crazy-conflicted” spectrum & the usual death metal score that you get from the Nevaldine-Taylor combo. Now, based on the source material, the movie wasn’t absolutely horrible. The Ghost Rider story is very difficult to tell without a whole lot of CGI & questionable motivation and character development (see “Spawn”) but I wouldn’t really recommend this movie to anybody. Sorry Nic. I wish that I could help with your financial woes… but hey, maybe when RoboPanda takes off I can get you a gig as a voiceover to help.

Next up was the Syfy Channel’s “12 Disasters of Christmas” which stars… well, nobody. I think some of them were on WB series but… yeah, I didn’t really recognize anybody. Anyway, it’s set in small town Oregon I think… and there’s a family (conveniently named Joe, Mary, Peter & Jacey… yes, the daughter is Jacey as in JC, wait for it). There are some strange occurrences going on with birds dying, the water turning red, unusually warm weather, and then giant icicles falling from the sky & impaling people in the streets. Global warming? Possibly… no wait, WRONG! It’s the Mayan Prophecy coming true! By the way, did you know that the Mayans invented the song “12 Days of Christmas” and passed it along through the generations & all kinds of languages as a WARNING of the 12 disasters that would destroy the world? Oh it’s documented… the crazy old guy Frank had a whole wall chart made up connecting it… and there is a lineage of protectors that are direct descendants of Mayans (though now some of the whitest people you’ve ever seen thanks to cross-breeding) and they have to find five golden rings that will help save the world (or at least this small town in Oregon) from destruction by Mother Nature. I assume by calling forth Captain Planet and his magical mullet… but I don’t want to give away the surprise ending. Like most Syfy movies, it’s pretty horrible… but if you’re watching in a group, it’s descent to make fun of. Otherwise, forget that it even exists. Big thanks to The Soup for letting me know of this show’s existence.

Saturday night was actually a surprise. Dizzy & I watched “VHS” which is about a group of misfits who videotape their shenanigans (and crimes) to sell to voyeurs in that black market. Well, one of them hires them to break into a house to steal a particular video from the owners… but when they get to the house, there’s a bunch of them, so they have to cycles through them to find the right one… and what they find is a bunch of twisted sh*t. That’s the story… and basically, the movie is a collection of six horror movie concepts by various directors in the “found footage” genre that really would have been a MAJOR stretch for their own full-length feature… so they combine their 15-20 minute shorts into one film. What I was surprised about this movie… is how genuinely creepy some of them were on a shoe string budget. I was expecting it to be pretty cheesy… and I’ll admit, some of the acting was very questionable… but each story had it’s own redeeming quality & were very interesting ideas… except maybe the main story, but even that had it’s moments were it could’ve worked really well. Anyway, without giving too much away, I would say to check it out & judge for yourself. As a horror fan, I give it two thumbs up… and be warned, there is some gore… but overall, it’s a very decent flick. Check it out! It’s on Netflix!

Lastly was a documentary entitled “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” about Jiro, the world’s premiere 3-Michelin star sushi chef who has been doing the job that he loves for over 70 years. The camera crew follows him through his daily routine, other chefs at his restaurant, his family, his friends, food critics, etc. & paints a portrait of this intriguing man. To boil it down, Jiro is a perfectionist who loves sushi. Every waking moment he’s honing his skills to make perfect sushi… and as the title would imply, even during his non-waking moments, he’s dreaming of it. He accepts nothing but the best in every stage of preparation. He only buys fish from masters of their respective crafts (tuna, shrimp, octopus, etc). His chefs are meticulously trained for decades before he’ll allow them to prepare sushi for his guests (a ten-seat restaurant). Even his sons have been learning from him for over 40 years (youngest went off to start his own sushi restaurant & oldest is waiting for Jiro to retire to take head spot). Is it the borderline-obsessive goal of his entire life? Yeah, pretty much… but you be the judge. The man loves what he does. He’s focused on becoming the master of his craft & to push it to the next level… every day… for over 70 years. Some may say it’s crazy. Perhaps those people are not perfectionists & have not found the Passion that he has. I’d recommend checking out this documentary. It’s very interesting… but be warned… you’ll want to go have sushi during & afterwards… so you may want to watch on a full stomach.

It may also make you wonder about your own situation. For example, I’ve been in an industry for over 12 years now. I’ve essentially mastered my specific craft (hence why I can do so many jobs for the pay of one) but have I been “pushing” the craft forward? There have been instances where I’ll see procedures & improve upon them… share ideas with my colleagues with different sets of circumstances for their office… but am I constantly looking forward at the next step? Or have I grown complacent with my position because it’s easier than looking on to the next step, which would require sacrifices? Is this what I want to do for 70+ years (shiver) or until retirement age anyway? Is it my Passion? Is the fact that I’m even asking these questions convincing proof that it is not? Is there something different out there for me? That I would be more passionate about? Or am I just too level headed to put my all into something & widen my range of talents to be a Jack of all trades kind of person?

The saying goes that if you Love what you do, then you’ll never work a day in your life… or something like that… and there’s a few ways of looking at it. Does that mean that you have to find something that you Love to do? Or is it just on you to Love whatever it is that you’re doing? In either case, I guess the saying still holds true… but let’s face it, most of us would probably find it easier to Love being a movie star than a coal miner. Or I guess in a real world sense, let’s say you enjoy being physically fit… and your current job as a construction worker helps you to do that (as long as you don’t get a hernia). Do you just learn to Love being a construction worker? Study in the evenings & work your way to foreman & push your craft? Or do you study to become a personal trainer so you get that same benefit that you’re looking for, but it’s more recreational & you’re basically the master of your own unique craft?

Now, I’m sure you know by now that I tend to think too much for my own good & ramble incessantly… and of course not everybody’s priorities are the same. Some are focused on raising their children, making money any way possible, just getting by & getting high, cross things off their bucket list, seeing the world, continuing the family legacy, whatever it may be… not becoming yokozuna or a legend of the wood carving community or any other master of their given craft… and that’s perfectly fine. However, I do feel that life needs a little direction with goals to continue to grow & thrive. With that being said, that’s another reason why I’m REALLY excited about this new venture with this comic. I’m not an expert by any means… I’ve read a few back in my childhood… I’ve seen a lot of TV shows & movies… read about other people’s characters basically… but I’m not an artist. I have no official training in storyboarding, plotting, structure, or really ANYTHING related to drawing. Yeah, I won a few Reflections contests back in 2^nd & 3^rd grade… but yeah, that was drawing dinosaurs & weird alien creatures… in the 3^rd grade. So how is this going to work? I’m going to research, study, practice, calibrate, collaborate, peat, re-research, re-study, re-practice, re-calibrate & collaborate some more… and of course, repeat. Am I going to have all the skills? Probably not… but if I surround myself in the right people, use what I’ve learned, along with my own ingenuity & spin on things, then I’ll probably be off to a good start. Anyway, that’s the plan… for now. It’ll definitely change… but I can keep you posted…

I’ll also try to figure out how to get REAL pictures on Blogger again. Apparently the “new & improved” version really isn’t improved… but I’m sure it works for them. Have a great day everybody!!!

Tannenbaum II: Electric Boogaloo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a fairly slow few days. Though I did further establish my place as coolest roommate alive by get a lovely new Christmas tree & set it up the other night. The former fake tree was sacrificed to the plastic Gods when I moved out here. It had been used for 8 Christmases though… including that one year when I decided to leave it up for the entire year because it was great lighting in my Utah apartment… so it was due for retirement. Please observe & behold… Tannenbaum 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

Monday night, I watched “Season of the Witch” starring Nicolas Cage & Ron Perlman. The story is set back in the times of the Crusades & the Black Plague… and the people of Europe are dying all over the world. After losing interest in slaughtering peoples of the Middle East, two deserters of the Crusades (Cage & Perlman) head back to Europe… only to be recognized as deserting soldiers & given an ultimatum – Deliver an alleged witch to a church stronghold… or go to jail. Needless to say, they chose jail & died shortly after of the plague. The end. Of course that’s not the end, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. So they choose to deliver the witch… but they soon find out that this little girl does indeed seem to have supernatural powers. Could she really be a witch? Or possibly something more horrific? (Dun dun duuuuuh…) Anyway, I enjoyed it. The movie was a lot better than I was expecting (horrible reviews & the Nicolas Cage’s recent willingness to do anything for money) but it was pretty good. Best part: If you have Netflix, you can watch it RIGHT NOW on demand. By the way, if you’re not into the movie say… 15-20 minutes in, then you can just turn it off… and you’ve only lost 15-20 minutes of your life. Technology is awesome!

Oh… and funny thing. Remember how I replaced the lamp on my projector a few weeks ago when my dad was visiting? Well, apparently it has burned out again. The previous bulb lasted over 6 years… and this one lasted about 6 weeks. What the f**k? So yeah, another week or so until I get a replacement… and I would say that I may miss my NFL… but then again, I have NFL Sunday Ticket… and a PS3… and a TV upstairs (though it’s a 27” tube TV that was considered old when I got it for free 10 years ago… but it works). I just got everything hooked up last night so I haven’t ventured the Sunday Ticket yet (by the way, the bedroom has a ridiculous amount of cables in the way right now) but I’ll keep you posted… because I know you care, right?

Basketball last night was pretty horrible. We were pretty close the first half… but then we just got blown away in the second half. Why? Well, I only had two points (even went 0-for-4 from the free throw line… when they decided to call fouls which wasn’t long). They also had three bigs in the entire game… and again, it was just me & everybody else was about 5’6” & I can’t guard them all. They were also just simply a pretty good team. I think they finished 2nd last go around… but yeah, it got pretty embarrassing towards the end… because our guards couldn’t hold onto the ball & I don’t even think I touched it more than twice in the second half other than defensive rebounds & blocks. Oh well… next week is another game… and round two of the playoffs on Sunday with my other team.

Ridin’ Dirty - A naked and drunk motorist sped through central Moscow last month, crashing into 17 cars before being stopped by police who chased him across a large part of the capital, state television said. Go ahead & read that last sentence… step by step… to get the full image. "When police made him open his door, it became clear he was completely naked," said state TV, showing lines of cars with shattered windscreens and battered sides. Local media said the man, who appeared to be in his 40s, was from Moldova and showed a picture of him grinning in the back seat of a police car (so he’s a happy drunk). State TV said preliminary tests showed the driver had an "abnormally high" level of alcohol in his system. Please take into account that this is a Russian television station… saying “abnormally high” levels of alcohol in his system. TV pictures showed distressed drivers with bloodied hands and faces sitting in their cars, but police said there were no serious injuries. "The most dangerous part was when he almost hit a bus full of school children," police spokesman Gennady Bogachev told state TV, adding that four of the 17 vehicles were police cars. This is what happens when you let people in their forties play video games for the first time. They don’t know how to react. They have a bit of vodka & then they try to rack up a high score on “Grand Theft Auto: Moscow” but in real life. Thank goodness this drunken idiot didn’t hurt anybody though. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it… literally over a hundred times on this blog over the years… don’t drink & drive. Period. And for God’s sake, put some pants on. Hey ladies, what’s cooler than being cool? Russia in November. Alrightalrightalrightalrightalright…

Robocop Update – Okay, so it’s not exactly an update on the reboot in the works (or the statue in Detroit) but "Robocop" star Peter Weller is joining the cast of JJ Abrams’ "Star Trek" sequel in what is described as a principal (but unspecified) role reports Deadline. Weller joins the returning cast members along with the already set Alice Eve (“She’s Out of My League”) and Benicio Del Toro (“Traffic” & “Snatch”) with production to begin early into the new year. Fun fact: Weller has actually been a part of the 'Star Trek' universe before. The actor played a xenophobic factional leader determine to expel all aliens from our solar system in two episodes of "Star Trek: Enterprise" in 2005. So what does this mean? Well, nothing really other than Peter Weller’s going to be the in movie… and Benecio del Toro is allegedly NOT going to be KAAAAAAAAHN so then really what’s the point of the sequel? I’m sure it’ll still be good… and maybe it’s all Hollywood gossip to throw people off & KAAAAAHN’s wrath will be a part of it. We shall see.

Starship Troopers Reboot? – Say what you will about director Paul Verhoeven, but the man has made some guilty pleasures over the years… and Hollywood recognizes it. They've remade "Total Recall", they're working on a reboot of "Robocop", now a third Paul Verhoeven film is about to get another go around - "Starship Troopers". Yes, yes, I know… please calm down. I know… this is simply the greatest news you’ve heard since the Berlin Wall coming down. Producer Neal Moritz is looking into a reboot of the 1997 sci-fi cult classic and have assigned "Thor," "X-Men: First Class" and frequent "Fringe" writers Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz to do the script according to Vulture. Based on a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, Verhoeven's film followed a futuristic military unit as they progress from recruit to infantry to ranking officers against the backdrop of an interstellar war between mankind and a giant arachnoid species known as "the Bugs". Really no more explanation or elaboration on that is needed… and thank God because I had a lot of questions as a kid. The film boasted impressive Oscar nominated visual effects, gory violence, healthy doses of male and female nudity, a cast of young unknowns with oodles of sex appeal, and a tone that blended war-time action with an often campy skewering of fascism - the latter irony seemingly lost on some critics and viewers at the time. Hmm… speaking of unknowns, I wonder what Casper van Diem does when he’s not starring in sequels of this series. I mean… it can’t pay too well. Does he have a day job? Anyway, point is… “Would you like to know more?” Of course you would. Love that flick… and now it gets a reboot. The question remains though… Can new versions of his three other Hollywood films be far behind? Could the next Sharon Stone be recast for “Basic Instinct: Beginnings”? Could a new group of Hollywood hopefuls careers be shat down the toilet in a “Showgirls” reboot? Mmm… could the timeless beauty of Elisabeth Shue & the most deliciously named man in the industry Kevin Bacon be involved in another “Hollow Man” sequel? Only time will tell… but will there be time?

Apocalypse Update – As you know, the inevitable apocalypse is almost always at the forefront of my mind… with the exceptions being distractions by shiny objects, catchy tunes & the female form. It is also well known that I’ve documented stories supporting my theory that the apocalypse will not come with a horrific explosion… but rather a slither as snakes lead an army of animals against us. Well, here’s yet another story of them possibly coaxing humans to assist them in their world domination. A snake charmer in India released 40 poisonous snakes, including a number of cobras, onto the floor of a Government Land Registry Office to protest the delay of a new land permit. The UK Guardian reports that the man, reportedly named Hakkul (yes, only one name… like Cher or Socrates or Beavis), also accused bureaucrats in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh of demanding bribes for his land application: "I am a conservationist and have been seeking the government's help. Having waited patiently for so long, I had no option but to leave all my snakes in this office," Hakkul told the Telegraph. Clearly he had no other choice. Simple freedoms like this are what we sometimes take for granted in America. Is the DMV taking too damn long with your registration? SURPRISE! Now you’ve got a snake infestation to worry about too. Why don’t you just gimme my sticker please? Anyway, the story goes that he said he received promise of a land permit two years ago so that he would have a place for his snakes to live. Fun fact: Despite their world-famous reputations, snake charmers are actually illegal in India, which is why the government says it has continued to delay Hakkul's request. In fact, the Indian government recently began implanting some snakes with tracking devices in order to protect them from what critics say is a cruel and inhumane practice. It’s a practice similar to when a farmer in Humboldt County asks for a land permit for growing a marijuana field… and so the institution delays the process until they at least pretend that it’s for growing corn or wheat or something. "He had applied for a plot of land to keep his snakes," Subhash Mani Tripathi, the head of land-revenue administration, told the AFP. "But there is no provision for such a business. Instead of seeking a written reply, which we would have issued, Hakkul created panic by letting loose a bunch of snakes all over the office." No one was hurt after Hakkul released the snakes, which were eventually captured by forestry department officials. So what do you think? Was Hakkul just a man at the end of his rope & without the proper BS’ing skills to say that he was going to create a snake sanctuary as opposed to place for his illegal practice (kind of like saying that you need a building permit for a brothel as opposed to women’s shelter)? Or has he formed a traitorous allegiance with the serpents in order to gain favor when they rule? Or did the snakes charm him? Or did the mighty Cobra Commander implement a microchip into his brain, controlling his actions? Whatever the sssssituation may be, sssssh*t issss getting real. So please watch yourselves out there…

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. Did a lot of my Christmas shopping online… and I’d love to share what I got people… but I’m sure a few of them actually read this thing… so maybe another day. Damn, can’t believe it’s almost 2012 already. I’d better get thinking about the 2011 $tevie Awards too. Such a busy time of the year, right? Oh… and apparently we have basketball back soon. I’ve actually already bought a few upper bowl tickets for when the Spurs come to play the Warriors on my 31st birthday in April. It should be awesome. However… I’m not sure what the hell is going on with the Chris Paul being traded to the Lakers move getting vetoed by the league. Can they really do that? It seemed to me that all three teams involved were getting a pretty sweet deal… hence why they all agreed to it. The Hornets got a sh*t load of good players & a good draft pick in exchange for a guy who is only going to play (disgruntledly) for one more year anyway. Then the commissioner stepped in & said they couldn’t do it… because he’s going to the Lakers? I think that’s what he’s saying? Regardless, the three teams are now threatening to sue so I hope it’ll be overturned & go as planned as it should be… but whatever. They’re all rich as hell anyway. It’s just a horrible way to start this new era of basketball after the lockout with more chicken sh*t stuff… and you know I don’t care for the Lakers… I’m just want the Hornets to get something for very little… and the integrity of a team managing itself to be upheld… but I digress. Have a great weekend everybody!!!