Benefit of a Doubt

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Have you ever wanted to point something out to people… but you knew in your heart that it was a trap? Plain & simple. Of course, the biggest thing in sports right now is what LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling said in a recorded phone conversation with his mistress… and apparently it’s the most horrific & racist comments that any reporter, player, coach or fan of the NBA has ever heard. Now… I’m going to start by going against what everything tells me to do… and ASSUME that everything said in the conversation is completely legit & untampered with in any way (though obviously coaxed by his mistress). So with that assumption of absolute GUILT before proven innocent that surprisingly EVERYBODY is making… here’s my thoughts (cuz why else would you be reading this far).

 

1)    Consider the source (Mr. Sterling) - Granted, again if confirmed true, what he said is many things… including racist, stupid, ignorant and… frankly, a little confusing & hypocritical at time… but let’s face it, he’s an old man. He’s in his 80’s so I’m guessing that more than a quarter of the things that come out of his mouth are going to be one of those adjectives at any point in time. Is that an excuse? No. I’m just saying that there were some parts where I was just like “Oh, grandpa is rambling again & seems to be going in & out of conversations again… let’s get him some pudding.” By the way, he’s been married for over 50 years but apparently has a plethora of mistresses over the years… so he’s a stand-up guy to begin with. Wait, is that why he’s got a lifetime ban & all that? Nope, he said some stupid sh*t. If any time that somebody said some stupid sh*t they were kicked out of the NBA, there would be no NBA. More on that later…

2)    Consider the source (The Mistress) – This woman (shivers) is the person who is what… a third his age & was perfectly fine with everything when she was getting a multi-million dollar condo, two Bentleys, blah blah blah in exchange for her company… and by the way, apparently not exclusive by any stretch of the imagination… but hey, do you. Sure, he was married for over 50 years… but he’s rich as f**k! When did it all go wrong for her morally? The exact moment that Mrs. Sterling filed to get all the “gifts” back from the Mistress thanks to California law. Then she recorded the babblings of an old man to hold for extortion (I’m sure that was a few weeks ago) and then outright mass media release. Again, do you.

3)      Just one little thought… the first time that I read a little blurb about this… there were a lot of (black people) notations thrown into quotations where they could’ve just as well put (noun) in any context… so I wasn’t reading it as “You shouldn’t bring those (black people) to the games” like that, but rather as “You shouldn’t bring those (people that you’re f**king who aren’t supporting your lavish lifestyle like me) to the games” because… let’s face it, would you want your “girlfriend” to be bringing the other dudes that she’s f**king to your place of business in one of the $300,000 car that you bought her? Let’s be real… regardless of race.

4)      The NBA Powers That Be – Let’s face it, they’ve wanted Donald Sterling out as owner of the Clippers since the late 80’s as far as I know. There have been countless scathing remarks about everything from his frugality in free agent signings to just his business practices in general. All they needed was a good reason to kick him out of the league… and frankly, they seemed good enough… though is it really? Anyway, they got their reason… and before anything was even confirmed… they slapped him with a lifetime ban from attending NBA games (from his own stadium? Balls…), a $2.5 million fine, and apparently he has to sell his team. Why did they have to come down so hard, so fast & with sketchy proof at best? They had a smoking gun and… the rest of the league & its fans demanded it.

5)      The Rest of the NBA – Again, before any conviction, players were allegedly ready to boycott unless the NBA did something HUGE to show that racism will not stand in the league. Excuse me… but… I’ve watched hundreds, possibly thousands of professional basketball games in the past quarter-century… and I’m pretty sure there has not been a SINGLE GAME where I did not here an N-bomb dropped… not a one. From what I’ve been told though, it’s okay… because probably 99.999% of the time that speaker of this forbidden word has had a certain tone of skin. Let’s keep is real…

6)      The Crime – He said stupid sh*t to his mistress. Not that he had a mistress… not that he was killing puppies… not that he’s even committed a f**king crime!!! No DUI, selling booze to minors, sexual harassment (well, a few non-convictions on that), public urination, parking tickets, bringing glass bottles onto a public beach, drug smuggling, choking his coach, vehicular manslaughter, or anything else that the NFL pretty much keeps a list of on every pre-draft roster… he said some stupid sh*t… and this is what he gets for it:

7)      The Punishment – Lifetime ban from NBA games… if it’s found to be true, do you REALLY think he wants to show his face in public ever again? $2.5 million fine… where’s the money going? To a charity spreading the awareness of racism? Or to something useful perhaps? Or straight to the NBA’s massive non-for-profit (according to tax codes anyway) pockets? I haven’t heard any specifics on that yet. Sell the team? Sure… to who? For how much? Does he have to sell it to the NBA like New Orleans did a few years back? Sure, market value of the Clippers was almost a billion dollars last time I checked… top-tier basketball franchise doing well in the playoffs with exciting young superstars based in Hollywood with a new state of the art stadium… write a check. How about those guys in Seattle that’ve been trying to buy the Sacramento Kings for the past decade it seems? Do the Clippers move to Seattle, leaving the Lakers alone in LA? So… your punishment is that you make him sell a team for a billion dollars since he’s never going to show his face in public again because he’s an old man who said some stupid sh*t to his mistress… still at the point of “allegedly” in all legal terms? My assumption is that you shot for the moon with the punishment… and then when reality sets in, even if it’s all true (I feel like I’m saying that a lot just to keep it in everybody’s mind, though it’s probably all true, we’re not sure, I just want that to be part of the conversation), then it won’t be quite an insanely ludicrous punishment.

8)      The Precedent – The one positive thing about this may be the Precedent that it sets. What is it? If anybody in the league says something f**king stupid, they’re immediately thrown out of the league, slapped with a huge fine & can never show their face in public again. I’m looking at you Charles Barkley!!! That cushy job with TNT doesn’t sound so f**king cushy now, does it? By the way, wasn’t Charles on the cover of Sports Illustrated a few years ago in chains & shackles? It’s okay though… because he was a certain tone of skin color… otherwise it might be construed as racist. I may have to check that definition again sometime soon… I’ve heard it so much recently that I feel like I might’ve forgotten what it means.

 

Look… I agree that if everything turns out like everybody’s already assuming it is… then he should be punished. How? Look… who knows? Obviously he’s not going to be able to show his face in public again like Marge Schott back when she owned the Cincinnati Reds and… again, was an old lady saying stupid sh*t. Fine him? Sure… but in the true heart of keeping racism out of the league… fine everybody who ever says anything that could even be construed as racist or insensitive ever again the same amount (or in proportion to their own ludicrous take-home salary). What’s that? That’s a ridiculous solution? How so? Obviously it’s perfectly fine! You know, as long as we’re keeping everything on the same level. If we REALLY want to keep it on the same level… the next time that… a two-guard drives the lane & gets a hard foul from another player and I hear that N-bomb loud & clear on my HDTV, then I DEMAND that he be banned from the NBA for life, slapped with a six-digit fine & chastised for the rest of his days without any trial or criminal wrongdoing whatsoever. He (or she) can even keep their NBA franchise… because I’m not crazy. Then again, the obvious public backlash may force them into selling all of their possessions & retreating to the mountains to live out the rest of their wretched & miserable days of bigotry.

 

Anyway, just a few thoughts on the subject. Judge not & all that jazz… fair & just trials… though I’m sure that ignorant bigot said all of that stuff & meant it… still… let’s just keep it real… the reactions that everybody’s having about it honestly kinda scares me. Oh well… as is my new excuse for everything… culture. Sorry to rant on this normally super upbeat blog but… I just love basketball… and this story just made my heart hurt in a lot of ways having almost nothing to do with the sport. Have a great day everybody!!!

El Wingador's Secret

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Been pretty slow this week aside from getting ready for the Oregon trip this next week. REALLY excited about it… and we’re going to hit up a LOT of the sights… so stay tuned for magnificent pictures & stories to come. Last night, I met up with Bubbles & we had our “catch up” dinner. This time it was at “Little Nepal” in Bernal Heights (nice little area) and we enjoyed some great Nepalese food… which is a lot like Indian food to be honest. We shared some vegetable curry with potato, black eyed beans & bamboo shoots… some momos (like vegetable pot stickers) and I enjoyed the tandoori chicken, lamb & salmon. It was all pretty good. I highly recommend it. We recanted our Utah trips that happened around the same time, caught up on gossip, all the usual fun stuff… but yeah, nothing major to report. No marriages, babies, deaths, etc.

 

NBA 2K13 Update: Well, a third straight championship ring & finals MVP as you may have expected… so the big news… is where did I take my talents in free agency? What was… The Decision? Or as I prefer to call it… The Be-Reckonin’? Did I stay in Milwaukee, the town that took a chance on me in the late lottery, so full of potential? Did I head back home to Utah to play for the Jazz? Or my beloved San Antonio Spurs? Perhaps I took a challenge like bringing the Charlotte Bobcats out of the depths of professional franchises that have gotten so bad that they literally needed to change their names to no longer be associated with their horrible deeds? Did Jay-Z holla at me from Brooklyn to come ball in his backyard? Maybe go to Toronto to attempt at replacing Hockey (ice soccer) as the national pastime? Well, first off, apparently with this game, it’s not really by money but by points… and apparently it maxed out at a certain point because… well, there were a dozen teams that wanted my services (currently #2 rated player in the league behind LeBron, who plays for Mark Cuban in Dallas in this alternate universe BTW) and they all didn’t budge “on their prices” cuz I think they were maxed out… so then it became about what I wanted… and who I wanted for teammates. Since, let’s face it, I’m hot sh*t in a champagne glass, who was surrounded by ballhogs & probably the lowest ranked frontcourt in the league in Milwaukee (we started Ekpe Udoh & Ersan Ilyasova… congrats if you also know about them) and still led them to 3 straight NBA championships. So who would I like to team up with? Well, since I’m the small forward or 6’9” two-guard in most lineups… I’m thinking…

 

A)      Rebounders & Defenders – One man does not a good defense make. I can’t be everywhere, especially when if I give my man more than 3 feet, I mysteriously stop so that they can hit a wide open three in this game. Also, with Milwaukee, I led the league in rebounding… because I was the only one that could & would. Did I mention that we started Udoh & Ilyasova at the 4 & 5? Just want somebody else who can help with boards on the defensive end so they don’t get three chances at a layup.

B)      Pass-first Point Guard  - Brandon Jennings is not a point guard. He’s just a short two-guard, but still extremely talented. Same with Monta Ellis except he can’t even pass in a virtual games. To maximize my potential, I need a point whose not afraid to give it up, but at least won’t throw the ball to the other team. Shooting is a plus.

C)      Decent Bench – In Milwaukee, there was Drew Gooden… and about five other power forwards with rankings in the low 60’s. Because the games are only 20 minutes, we don’t need a lot of minutes from the bench… just don’t want them to be a liability. Most of them couldn’t even catch a pass. True story.

 

So… with all these factors in mind… max contracts offered by nearly a dozen suitors… I decided to go with… wait for it… wait for it… The Minnesota Timberwolves!!!

 

Yes, they fit the mold that I was looking for PERFECTLY!!! In this virtual 2015, they had Ricky Rubio at the point (not horrible & injured), Brandon Roy at the two (defender & again NOT injured), and a front court that features former #2 overall pick Derrick Williams (I still believe in him) and rebounding aficionado, Olympian & my own brother from another mother Kevin Love!!! Plus, there bench still has Nikola Pekovic (star center now) and a host of others rated in the 70’s… so yeah, we’re basically set. How set? I played one game with my new team… and just wanted to see how many three-pointers I could make & see how the team would react. Well, I made 15 of them (record was 10), set a team record for points (50, old record was 47 by KG) and we won by over 40 points against the Clippers. I think that we’re going to be okay… by the way, is it weird that I’m this in depth about an alternate NBA universe in a f**king video game? Maybe… but I still enjoy it. Watch out, Prince!!! There’s a new King of Minnesota!!!

 

The other night I watched “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” starring The Rock, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, Ray Winstone & others… and from the director of the “Step Up” trilogy (Jon M Chu). Now, I think I mentioned this in a previous post… but the first G.I. Joe movie was pretty horrible… even though it starred my alleged doppelganger (Dennis Quaid, not Channing Tatum… but thank you). This one was actually a little better… but still pretty bad. Okay, so… the first movie ends with the President of the United States kidnapped by the ultimate terrorist group bent on world domination, Cobra… and a master of disguise named Zartan replacing him. Basically in the first few minutes of the movie, the President replaces the secret service with Cobra soldiers (like within a day & not even masking it, like… explaining it in a press conference) then sends the Joe team to Pakistan to get some nukes… and then eliminates all but three of them (The Rock, hot chick & random dude who doesn’t do much in the movie except have a pouty face). Well, now they have to save the world from Cobra with nukes… but there’s only three of them. How do they fix that? They add to their team the original Joe (Bruce Willis, who’s badass but in his sixties) and three ninjas… and now they can take down an elite fighting force. Oh… and they’re split between two fronts most of the time too… so it’s really still three against the world… but in two separate hemispheres. Will they win? Or will everybody be speaking Cobranessssse by Labor Day? Okay, with that all being said, it’s an action flick… and though some parts seemed really awkward, rushed & unnecessary (still think The Rza was just thrown in at the last minute) but there are explosions, sword fights & CGI galore. There’s even a fight scene between The Rock & Ray Winstone where they’re basically punching with gunfire. If that intrigues you, check it out. If not, you’re not missing much. Here’s a little somewhat related news…

 

Warning Shots - A Washington state man who fired a shotgun in the air to chase away car prowlers says he was following the advice of Vice President Joe Biden. Jeffrey Barton, of Vancouver, pleaded not guilty Wednesday in a Clark County court to a charge of illegally discharging a firearm. The 52-year-old fired the shot Monday when he thought people were breaking into his vehicles. Outside of court, Barton told KOIN, "I did what Joe Biden told me to do. I went outside and fired my shotgun in the air." In an answer to a home defense question in February, the vice president said Americans don't need semi-automatic weapons because a couple of blasts from a shotgun will scare off intruders. Sheriff's deputies said that's not allowed, except in self-defense… which is all well & good until reality sets in. I’m guessing the deputies haven’t found out that the whole “cocking the shotgun” thing in the movie doesn’t have the desired effect from more than 10 yards away. So what is Mr. Barton to do in that situation exactly? “Hey, you bastards get away from dat der Chevy!” and then they snicker, one of them maybe goes up to subdue him… and gets a chest full of buckshot as his entrails ruin the new finish of Thompson’s waterseal on his deck? Now that I think about it… maybe that would’ve been better. Definitely a better action flick. Seriously, all I’m getting from this story is that warning shots are for pansies… is that right? Heaven forbid that it should wake a neighbor… who probably won’t have to worry about their car getting broken into now as well, since historically (and from personal experience) threatening somebody who tried to break into your vehicle can work for the neighborhood too. Whether it’s unloading a warning shot to let them know you mean business… or threatening them (and their family, friends or anybody who looks like them) with a baseball bat once you’ve beaten & pinned them face down in the grass as the rain falls on your angry naked ass. I wonder how the Washington sheriffs would view that altercation.

 

 

Drone Hunting – Speaking of rednecks firing into the skies, a small town in Colorado is considering an ordinance that would create a license and bounty for hunters to shoot down drones. "We do not want drones in town," Phillip Steel, the Deer Trail, Colorado, resident who drafted the ordinance, told Denver's ABC7 affiliate. "They fly in town, they get shot down." (The ghost of Johnnie Cochran lives on) Steel's proposal, recently submitted to the town board, calls for a $25 drone hunting license and outlines "rules of engagement" for hunters looking to shoot down the unmanned aerial devices: The Town of Deer Trail shall issue a reward of $100 to any shooter who presents a valid hunting license and the following identifiable parts of an unmanned aerial vehicle whose markings and configuration are consistent with those used on any similar craft known to be owned or operated by the United States federal government. The best part: Steel said that while he's never seen a drone flying in Deer Trail, the ordinance is a "symbolic" one. "I do not believe in the idea of a surveillance society, and I believe we are headed that way." According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Deer Trail's population was 559 in 2011… and I’m guessing maybe 5 with a skin tone darker than eggshell. "They'll sell like hotcakes," Steel said of the proposed drone license. "It could be a huge moneymaker for the town." Fun fact: $25 per license times maybe 300 residents who are of legal age to carry a licensed gun is about $7,500… or enough for a good used truck. Also, I’m guessing that $100 bounty for actually shooting one down will be taken either out of that fund or education, correct? That's of course a best case scenario... and without administration fees to provide the licenses, background checks, etc. Anyway, David Boyd, one of Deer Field's seven board members, supports the drone ordinance. "Even if a tiny percentage of people get online (for a) drone license, that's cool. That's a lot of money to a small town like us. Could be known for it as well, which probably might be a mixed blessing, but what the heck." There's even talk of the town—which claims to be home to "the world's first rodeo"—hosting the world's first drone hunt. "A skeet, fun-filled festival," town clerk Kim Oldfield said. The board will consider the drone hunting ordinance on August 6^th. See what happens when you don’t have a lottery to drop your money into???

 

Old School Drones - Turkish authorities detained a bird on suspicion it was spying for Israel… but freed it after X-rays showed it was not embedded with surveillance equipment, newspapers said last Friday. Perhaps Turkish authorities haven’t heard about drones yet. This kestrel aroused suspicion because of a metal ring on its foot carrying the words "24311 Tel Avivunia Israel", prompting residents in the village of Altinayva (shire adjacent) to hand it over to the local governor. The bird was put in an X-ray machine at a university hospital to check for microchips or bugging devices, according to the Milliyet newspaper… which also carried a front-page image of the radiogram with the title "Israeli agent". See? It’s not just our journalism that’s in shambles. Ties between Turkey and Israel, long military allies, have been tense since May 2010 when Israeli commandoes killed nine Turkish activists aboard the Mavi Marmara, a ship in a Turkish-led convoy seeking to break a naval blockade of the Gaza Strip. Yeah, that could raise tensions I would think. It’s not exactly Mexican drug cartels doing heads on spits in border cities or anything… but still, pretty bad. What if that’s the answer? What if Israel really was using falcons as surveillance gatherers from thousands of miles away? That would actually be more impressive than octocopter drones or something like that. My God… could you imagine one of those birds being captured? Tortured? “Tell us who you work for?” (High pitched squeal) “We have ways of making you talk!” (Somehow I doubt it) Anyway, sorry for the little bird interrogation anecdote… no raptors were harmed in the making of this blog.

 

 

El Wingador’s Secret - A five-time Buffalo wing-eating champion known as “El Wingador” has pleaded guilty to a cocaine distribution charge in New Jersey. Gloucester County prosecutors say William (not Bill) Simmons pleaded guilty Monday to possession with intent to distribute. The 51-year-old Woodbury Heights resident faces a seven-year prison when he's sentenced in September. Prosecutors say they won't object if he applies for an intensive supervision program that could shorten his sentence. Several drug charges were filed against Simmons following a June 2012 traffic stop. Simmons admitted he was using "a little bit" of cocaine at the time. My guess: That’s his secret weapon. It’s a lot easier to eat massive amounts of spicy buffalo wings when you can’t feel your gums! “El Wingador” last won Philadelphia's Wing Bowl in 2005, when he gnawed through 162 chicken wings… or as I prefer to think, permanently hobbled 81 chickens. Fun fact: The Wing Bowl was started as a way for Philadelphia sports fans to blow off steam before the Super Bowl… since they’ve never won a single one & have only been a part of two of them the last half-century. GO EAGLES!!!

 

Prison Hotels - Some prisoner’s in Northern California are upgrading to better living spaces – but only if they’ve got the cash to pay. That’s because a jail in Fremont is offering prisoners the chance to pay-as-they-go for a cell in the prison. And the rent isn’t cheap, running $155 a night, the same as a local three star hotel, according to local affiliate WTKR. “You do get cable TV, but you don’t get a warm cookie on your bed,” Lt. Mark Devine, of the Fremont Police Department told the station. The $10 million minimum security prison is far from luxurious with standard prison beds, shared bathroom and shower space. But it does come with various recreational options, including a HD widescreen TV. Built in 2000, the prison facility has 54 beds and can house up to 96 inmates at a time (doubling up?). And the space is only eligible to misdemeanor offenders who receive prior approval from a judge. While the program is unusual, the Fremont Police Department said that similar “Pay to Stay” programs currently exist in Southern California cities such as Anaheim and Beverly Hills. So, why would a prisoner pay so much money to essentially live in the same conditions they’d find in one of the other state prisons? It turns out, they’re not paying for added value, but rather what’s not there. “The only other thing you’re really paying for is the smallness and the quietness of the facility,” Devine told WTKR. California Governor Jerry Brown was recently tasked with finding ways to reduce the burden of the state’s overcrowded prison system… and it could provide an economic boost for the local economy. Devine told the Sacramento Bee that if at least 16 inmates stay at the facility for two nights a week, the city would make an annual profit of about $244,000. Devine says the prison was originally intended to be used for misdemeanor offenders to perform work while they served out their time. But the prison had remained unused until it was opened for the pay-as-you-go system. “We are the trustees of a large facility that was paid for with taxpayer money. Now we need to be good stewards of that investment and maximize its use and efficiency for the taxpayers,” Devine said. “There is a cost to government. And that cost, where appropriate, should be borne by the people using the program or facility, or what not.” Hence to furthermore indeed, good sir… and so on. Okay, back on track despite police grammar. Shocker! The pay-as-you-go plan has drawn criticism from the American Civil Liberties Union, who said it creates a bad precedent by giving more preferential treatment to wealthier inmates. "There should not be one form of punishment for those who can afford to pay and a different form of punishment for those who can't," ACLU National Prison Project attorney Carl Takei (George’s brother) told the Bee.

 

What’s that? Oh you’re wondering what I think about this situation? Or the criminal & justice system in general? Well, you probably know from previous posts that I’m one of those… let’s say “old school” kind of guys who isn’t opposed to ideas like chain gangs picking up the side of the highway (only because we don’t build railways & mine for precious minerals anymore) or actually making criminals work for their food, room & board like everybody else… but that may just be me. It doesn’t have to be manual labor by the way… if they have other skills that’ll benefit society, go for it. Do you want your cell to be in the “rape-free” cell block? Well, that’s going to cost you about $100 a night… it’s basically the same decision you make when it’s “do I pay to stay at this sleazy motel or in my car at that dimly-lit truck stop where all those hikers’ corpses were found last week?” It’s really a mixture of cost-benefit & risk analysis… or a pros & cons of going to prison.

 

Pros: Free shared apartment, clothing, laundry, fitness center, access to library, basic cable TV, three meals a day, conjugal visits, gated community with intense on-site security team.

 

Cons: Constant threat of ass & mouth rape, limited wireless internet & cellular phone access, background checks on roommates aren’t too restrictive, cozy accommodations.

 

I’ll give you a hint which con isn’t exactly the same living in the Presidio… and I pay handsomely to live there & have my garbage ravaged by raccoons and wake to flocks of birds on the weekends. The way I see it… and since I’m paying for it then I feel my input should be considered… if inmates want to pay $150 per night for better accommodations, then I say it’s about time. As for the rest that don’t want to pay for anything & continue to be a drain on society, you missed a spot (as I throw a half-full Big Gulp on the side of the freeway). Remember when being in prison was a really bad thing instead of an inconvenience? Eh… whatever. Enjoy paying for it until they hire me to run that place like a f**king hotel. “Ah yes, we have an excellent cell for you next to the ice machine. Oh… and we weren’t able to guarantee the double bunk bed requests but I’m told that your cellmate Buck is a gentle lover after the first few romps. Maybe next time you’d like to upgrade to our Executive Level or not spat in that officer’s face. Good day, sir!” Ah, a man can dream…

 

Anyway, now I’m off to Oregon for a fantastic road trip with my ladyfriend & meeting up with Chick’n’Wing’s family. Ugh… if you only knew how awesome this trip was going to be… pictures coming soon!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

The REAL Oppressed Demographic

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

I’d like to start things off by wishing a happy 30^th birthday to my baby brother Kiel. Good father, ok brother, lots of untapped potential in my opinion… but he’s great to those kids of his. We haven’t always gotten along… but still, congratulations on reaching 30. We were all worried for a while that you wouldn’t make it. Next stop: Making 40 without being incarcerated for killing douche teenagers that Kairi dates.

 

This weekend was again, pretty laid back. Saturday we did some running around… and got to make some free tie-dye T-shirts in El Cerrito Plaza (shout out to Joann Fabrics), then we went to Dizzy’s Aunt’s retirement party. She’s retiring after 46 years of nursing. We had a few beers, some great food & just hung out with a lot of nice people in beautiful picturesque weather… so yeah, good times. The rest of the time… we basically watched movies…

 

First up was “Senna” which is a documentary about the meteoric rise & tragic fall of Formula One racecar driver Artyon Senna. Basically, he was a Brazilian man who from the time of being a little kid wanted to race… and he burst onto the F1 scene in the mid-80’s and had a very confident personality & aggressive driving style. Then again, don’t all racecar drivers? True… but this guy basically propositioned Xuxa on live television on New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry it was tasteful… and successful. Anyway, during that time, Alain Prost was the world champion & main rival of Senna… but he was a Frenchman… as was the President of Formula One. So basically there was a lot of political stuff done to kind of restrict Senna and keep him in 2^nd place for a while… but eventually he became world champion (using their own BS rules against them by the way) and representing an entire nation in need of a hero at the time (Brazil). Tragically, he died in a horrific crash in the early 90’s at a track where… basically it seemed in the movie like half the people that drove that day died in crashes… but since then, Formula One has placed a lot of safety protocols in & have yet to lose a driver since. Unfortunately it was too late for Artyon Senna. The documentary itself was VERY well done with great score and basically just compiled of footage from the time with supplemental interviews voiced over, so you’re never really taken out of the moment. Great story, well done, check it out.

 

Sunday night I watched “A Haunted House” which is a parody of the “Paranormal Activity” & “Exorcist/Exorcism” style movies starring Marlon Wayans, Nick Swarsdon, Dave Koechner & Cedric the Entertainer. It’s set in the found footage genre and includes takes on a lot of the iconic scenes… but yeah, with that Wayans touch to it. Basically… it’s exactly what you expect. A lot of fart jokes, gay jokes, a few bare male asses, more crude sexual humor… and if that’s what you’re looking for… it’s still only okay. Fun fact: Did you know that “Scary Movie 5” came out in April? I had no idea… then again, #4 was pretty terrible… and this actually rated much higher (26) on Metascore than SM5 did (11) and this was kind of hard to watch for the most part. I’m a huge fan of good parody movies… but unfortunately this just isn’t one of them. Sorry guys! I’d rather watch “Don’t Be a Menace in South Central While Drinking Your Juice in Da Hood” for the 1,271^st time.

 

 

Early this week, I also watched “The House at the End of the Street” starring Jennifer Lawrence & Elisabeth Shue. The story is about a mother (Shue) & daughter (Lawrence) who move into a new house… and they got a good deal… because the house next to them was the site of a double murder a few years earlier. Nice, right? Apparently the daughter of the murdered family was just nuckin’ futz & killed the parents... and then disappeared without a trace into the woods. Well, the son who was away at camp or something still lives in the house a few years later… and of course he’s a boy with a sad story so Jennifer Lawrence’s panties are overflooding… and there are secrets… stabby secrets. As you can tell, I think the whole premise of the movie is obvious & cookie cutter… and the movie didn’t disappoint. Basically I’ve found that a lot of these kind of lower-budget horror flicks are just ways for directors to flex what they learned in film school from a visual perspective to polish a turd. Some do it very well… most don’t. I think Jennifer Lawrence was only involved because she got to sing a little bit & strum a guitar so maybe she’s trying to be a crossover artist or something but… yeah, pass. It’s also a shame that Elisabeth Shue is an actress in her 40’s so this is the only kind of work that she can get… but hey, I’d still do her. (wink, call me when you’re back on the singles market). Here’s some news…

 

Is This Justice? – No, no, no… I’m not even touching the George Zimmerman thing… cuz basically since the day it happened… my guess was that he was going to get off without a charge & then Florida was going to immediately change the “Stand Your Ground” Law. So let’s countdown until the day that happens (my guess is by August 1^st & it’ll be the first time that a government act has taken two weeks to happen). Rather my injustice… is from this story. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled unanimously on Friday in its second decision in the case…. that an Iowa dentist did NOT discriminate against a female assistant he fired for being "too attractive," In December, the all-male court (that’s right) ruled that Dr. James Knight did NOT discriminate in firing dental hygienist Melissa Nelson after more than 10 years' service because he found her too attractive… and his wife saw her as a threat. Nelson had argued she would not have been fired if she were a man, and her attorney, Paige Fiedler, argued in seeking a second hearing that their decision was a setback for gender equality in the workplace. In late June, the justices decided to reconsider the case. "We ultimately conclude the conduct does not amount to unlawful sex discrimination in violation of the Iowa Civil Rights Act," Justice Edward Mansfield wrote. Knight had hired Nelson in 1999 and on several occasions in the 18 months before he fired her in early 2010, he complained that her clothing was too tight, revealing and distracting, the decision said. She denied wearing anything inappropriate. In her defense, saying that the clothing was too tight may have been construed as saying that she was getting fat… but then I’m sure we would have an assault case on our hands if that was the interpretation.

 

Nelson and Knight began texting each other in 2009 (uh oh… I think I know where this might be going). Most messages were work-related or otherwise innocuous, but some were more suggestive… including one in which Knight asked Nelson how often she had an orgasm. Wow… Oddly enough, Nelson did not answer that text. "The fact of the matter is Nelson was terminated because of the activities of her consensual personal relationship with her employer, not because of her gender," Chief Justice Mark Cady wrote in a separate special concurrence, probably using the term “work flirt” several times. In late 2009, Knight's wife, Jeanne Knight, learned that her husband had been texting with Nelson while he was on an out-of-state vacation with their children and she insisted he fire her, saying "she was a big threat to our marriage.” Knight read Nelson a statement when he fired her that said in part that their relationship had become a detriment to both of their families. Nelson's attorney, Fiedler, said Friday she was "beyond distressed at the lack of awareness and understanding this decision demonstrates. Women already have to balance on the very fine line of being respected, professional and well-liked in the workplace without having their perceived charm or attractiveness garner unwanted sexual advances, harassment and discrimination," Fiedler said in a statement. She’s absolutely right… when are attractive people going to get a fair shake??? This injustice will not stand!!! This is why I only hire attractive prostitutes and housekeepers!!! Todd Pettys, associate dean for faculty in the University of Iowa College of Law, said it was unclear why the court decided to rehear the case, given that the justices did not change their positions from December to July. "It appears to me what they really wanted to do was take another shot at explaining why they were reaching the conclusion that they did, understanding that they had come under some criticism for that conclusion." My guess… their wives made them look at it again… as the criticism was a strain on their marriage... but I have no evidence to back that up. With all of the protests out there for Trayvon Martin… why don’t we have any for Melissa Nelson??? This is the true outrage!!! For God’s sake, won’t somebody help a hottie out? Even if it’s just buy her a drink… or dinner… or a car… or a diamond ring… or pay her bills… or f**k it I’m done with this story. Tough break, toots!

  

Death Valley News - It’s really, really hot in Death Valley… so hot that you could probably fry an egg. Unfortunately, that wasn’t exactly the message the national park in eastern California had hoped to impart. But the weather has been so warm, a park staffer filmed herself cooking an egg with nothing but a skillet and the sun. The buzzy video took off on the Web (over 170,000 views) and soon enough, visitors to the hot, dry area were imitating the staffer… except they didn’t have the skillet, leaving a runny, drippy mess… because people nowadays are apparently arrogant, self-centered narcissist idiots. It actually got to be such a problem that the park issued a plea on its Facebook page to crack down on the egg frying frenzy: “An employee's posting of frying an egg in a pan in Death Valley was intended to demonstrate how hot it can get here, with the recommendation that if you do this, use a pan or tin foil and properly dispose of the contents. However, the Death Valley NP maintenance crew has been busy cleaning up eggs cracked directly on the sidewalk, including egg cartons and shells strewn across the parking lot. This is your national park, please put trash in the garbage or recycle bins provided and don’t crack eggs on the sidewalks, or the Salt Playa at Badwater.” Park supporters also weighed in. LaMoine Hill posted, “Some people need to have their heads fried, or maybe they already have, anyway people, use your heads.” Wow… eloquently put. Brett Houston added, “Some people do not belong in the wild.” I… have no idea what you’re going for… but preach on. The reason the employee made the video in the first place: Death Valley temperatures have been around 120 degrees, and in fact on Wednesday the park marked the 100th anniversary of the world’s hottest day on record: 134 degrees Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. For the record, the temperature in the egg-cooking demonstration hovers just over 127 degrees. Damn… I’m sweating just thinking about that. Even the note on the description page of the YouTube video alerts viewers: “Be sure to drink plenty of water and avoid outdoor activity in extreme heat. And please don't try to fry eggs on the ground. It makes a mess and it doesn't work.” On our next video… the health benefits of drinking plenty of crystal-cloudy water from the Great Salt Lake to stay hydrated in Death Valley. The results may surprise you… for a few moments… and then destroy you from the inside.

 

That’s One Way to Do It - How far would you go to quit smoking? I’m sure that if you’ve ever really tried… you’ve found it to be pretty difficult… asked friends for methods… maybe even sought other oral fixations… or even professional help. Well, one Turkish man has literally locked his head in a cage as a last ditch attempt to quit the habit. In a YouTube video, 42-year-old Ibrahim Yucel explains why he went to such an extreme measure: “I have been smoking since high school. I have tried to quit smoking each year on my birthday. Unfortunately, I could not.” Yucel told the Hurriyet Daily News that he smoked two packs a day for more than 20 years before putting on the cage helmet, which he says was inspired by seeing motorcycle riders in helmets. "My father developed lung cancer and died because of smoking. I decided it was time to hinder my will.” And for at least two days he’s managed to stay cigarette free, though not without some serious effort and potential embarrassment. To construct the helmet cage, Yucel took around 130 feet of copper wire and wound it into a tight circle and placed two locks at the bottom of the cage. When he heads out to work each morning, he gives the cage keys to either his wife or his daughter. Initially, Yucel’s wife says seeing her husband walking around with a cage on his head bothered her but she says she now supports the move. “This cage is embarrassing at first, but he wants to quit smoking,” she says in the video. While at work, Yucel says he can drink water through a straw and manages to eat small crackers through openings in the wire helmet. “I swear an oath to Allah and the Quran. I’m not going to smoke again.” I wonder if he wears the helmet to bed too… you know, for those late night cravings? Let’s ask the wife next time. He’s probably not much of a looker anyway. Building a cage for your own head might be less extreme than the plan to quit smoking employed by California’s Etta Mae Lopez. In May, the 31-year-old waited outside a police station where she subsequently slapped a police officer. It was all according to plan: Lopez wanted to be sent to jail, where smoking is prohibited… and she got her wish with a 63-day sentence. Talk about two birds with one stone! Quit smoking AND slap a cop. Anyway, maybe these methods will help you with your resolutions.

 


 

Goat Update – I know the past few entries have kind of ended on sour notes… so today we’re going to do something a little upbeat… and I know Dizzy has a thing for goats. Japan is a place of mystery & wonder… and of course, crazy sh*t. First, there were the maid cafes, their customers pampered by women in maids' uniforms. Sounds sexy, right? Well, then that led to the cat cafes, which allowed cat lovers to play with frisky felines while sipping a cup of coffee. Hey, pussy is pussy! Now, enter the goat cafe, which houses a pair of friendly goats for customers to pet, play with and even take for walks through Tokyo's concrete jungle. Rena Kawaguchi and her staff brought the animals (named Sakura and Chocolat, or “Cherry” and “Chocolate”) three years ago, hoping to attract a new breed of animal-loving customers and spice up flagging weekend business. "Back then animal cafes were booming, places where you could play with cats or dogs," Kawaguchi said. "But we reckoned a normal animal like that wouldn't have the wow factor of a goat." Customers can pet the goats in their pen while drinking a coffee, or book a slot to take them for a walk through the crowded area surrounding Shibuya station, a hub for commuters and Tokyo's trend-conscious youth. "When you live in the city like I do, places where you can meet animals are so far away and you rarely get the time to go there," said Kotaro Nakazato, a 21-year-old university student. "Having them nearby like this makes it easy to commune with nature." Keeping the goats has its challenges. Staff have to muck out their pen between serving customers, and the goats are fed special protein-rich pills to prevent foul-smelling droppings. With the goats proving a hit, Kawaguchi says she's got even bigger plans. Yes… an elephant cafe is at the top of her list, although it was not clear what her pen-cleaning staff thought of the prospect… but hey, it’s a sh*t job anyway (rim shot). Now I know the first stop for any trip to Japan with Dizzy. “But you don’t even drink coff…” “I DON’T CARE! I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE GOATS!” Hmm… I wonder if places with rats in New York could sell it as a rat café? Interesting twist to a Kitchen Nightmare show…

 

Anyway, that will do it for today. Thank you all for stopping by & I’ll probably catch up with you after the trip back to Utah for a few days. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Warren Die Harding

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

As you could probably tell from my “Stars & Strips” post the other day, the 4^th of July was pretty sweet… and the 5^th of July hasn’t been bad either. Dizzy & I saw fireworks from Inspiration Point over Fisherman’s Wharf… and they were awesome. We also had boar burgers with bacon & bleu cheese on sourdough baguettes for dinner… and washed it down with some double mocha porter. Mmm… good times.

 

I don’t know if it’s just me… or a select few… or everyone… but I feel like “the next generation” may be in trouble. By “the next generation” I mean those that are in their early 20’s or so now & high school. So basically just about anybody who may be reading this blog… thus killing my demographic a bit… but please let me explain. Last week when we were watching “The Conjuring”, some ass hat in the movie theatre took his shoes off… and set them on the back of the seats in front of him. That’s pretty much an 7 or an 8 on the douche-o-meter, right? Sadly it’s not the first time that has happened… but this guy was ripe enough for me to smell it, so I’m upping it to a 9. Last night, we’re getting ready to watch the fireworks from the beautiful national park of the Presidio… and a few minutes before it starts, 6-8 ass hats (neighbors?) show up with lawn chairs, beers, blankets, etc. then hop a fence… and basically pitch up their spot in the middle of a f**king owl sanctuary (what the fence was protecting from the trail). Now… it’s not my place to step in & be “that guy” but apparently the park rangers who were readily present last year were nowhere to be seen this year (maybe striking with Bart now). Is it a major thing? Of course not… besides, if coyotes would’ve attacked them, then I would’ve had TWO shows going on simultaneously. If there’s anything that movies have taught me… it’s the explosions are made better with gratuitous violence (and nudity). Are these possibly just extreme cases? Maybe. Is it representative of the entire generation? Of course not. However, I’ve also chatted, conversed & eavesdropped on this “next generation” and… it scares me… to the core. Now, I will readily admit that I wasn’t the sharpest cookie in the tree when I was that age… but I feel like I had a great sense of perspective & wasn’t a complete narcissist (that came later when I became the amazing demigod that you see before you). Now, I’m not going to get into a rant about the root causes, solutions, embargoes or anything like that… so don’t worry. I just want to offer a suggestion to the next generation: Please consider others with regards to your actions. Spoiler alert: You’re not the only thing that matters. #troof #hashtag

 

Anyway, on another topic, as you can probably tell, Dizzy & I are developing a thing for horrible movies. Thank you Netflix! One of our latest ventures was to the “Galaxy of Terror” which shouldn’t be a shocker as it was produced by Roger Corman in the early 80’s… so chances are it was going to be bad. Then again, he probably produced about two more slasher or zombie flicks that month so it’s more quantity that quality at that point. Hey, as long as it makes money, right? This entry was a space thriller starring Erin Moran (“Happy Days”), Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) & Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding). Basically, it’s a rag tag crew of space travelers who are sent on a mission to a distant world to answer a distress call or something. They get to the planet’s station, everybody is dead, then the fun begins. The aliens include tentacles that suck victims dry, giant space spiders that tear people apart, unseen forces that use the crew’s own weapons against them, even a giant space worm that rips off a crew members clothes & apparently rapes her to death… I think… I don’t know, it really seemed out of place & confusing about what was happening. The thrilling climax was… not so thrilling… but yeah, I wasn’t expecting much… and it delivered just that. Feel free to check it out after a few beers… but Dizzy fell asleep watching it… and frankly I almost did too, if I wasn’t trying to figure out what was going on most of the time.

 

Wednesday night was a fitting movie for Independence Day with “A Good Day to Die Hard”, the latest in the “Die Hard” series of movies which… let’s just face it… are all pretty amazing for what they are. Plot holes? Of course. Explosions & violence & one-liners? Absolutely! Watching them in a row & seeing Bruce Willis go from Bruno to a streak of roles as retired agents getting brought back in for “one last fight” over the course of almost thirty years… and still being as charismatic & badass as ever? Uh-huh!!! Well, though this may not be the greatest in the series, this movie was still decent for what it was. The story is that John McClane (Willis) is in Moscow “on vacation” but really looking to meet up with his son who was last seen there. Surprise! His son is a CIA agent… and now they’re in the midst of a giant Russian struggle for power & have to protect a billionaire from the bad guys. Now, there are some GREAT car chase scenes & stunts in this movie… like I had forgotten how much I missed good, real car stunts in movies… not that CGI cop out stuff. It has all the other stuff… one liners (thought not as many as expected), family drama that nobody really cares about, lots of shoot outs & explosions… and the ending just kind of happens, patriotic music, roll credits. If you like “Die Hard” movies, you’ll like this. Now… “Live Free or Die Hard” had a metascore rating of like 68… while this one has a rating of 27. Why? I’m thinking that the critics are sick of the “Die Hard” series because it really wasn’t any worse than Justin Long & Kevin Smith being injected into the movie… but a difference of over 40 points? Ridiculous. Don’t believe the (lack of) hype! Also, fun fact… coming in 2015… “Die Hardest” which I’m guessing will be the finale of the series… until the reboot starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Armie Hammer or somebody from “Twilight” comes out in 2017. Check it out! Now for the news…

 

 

Mommy & Poppy - A woman who had her newborn taken away because she failed a hospital drug test after she ate a poppy seed bagel has settled a lawsuit over the case. Lawrence County's child welfare agency and Jameson Hospital have paid $143,500 to settle the suit filed on behalf of Elizabeth Mort by the American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania, which announced the settlement Tuesday. Mort sued in October 2010, alleging that a poppy seed bagel she ate shortly before arriving at the hospital spurred a positive test for opiates in April 2010 that prompted the seizure of her 3-day-old daughter, Isabella Rodriguez. Mort said she was home with her baby when a county child welfare caseworker arrived with an emergency protective custody order and took Isabella. The lawsuit alleged Mort was never told in the hospital that she had failed a drug test, nor was she asked if she had eaten anything that could have affected the test results (like a sh*t ton of opium brownies?). Basically the way it works is that you have to basically eat a few pounds of pure poppy seeds to even get the chemicals that would lead to a hallucinogenic reaction… but then you have a few pounds of seeds in your belly… even then, typically it wouldn’t show on a toxicology report like it was immediate use of opiates. Anyway, the infant was returned five days later, after local officials agreed there was no evidence the mother had used illegal drugs. The suit argued that Jameson Hospital used a much lower threshold for drug screening than federal guidelines, resulting in more false positives from common foods and medicines. The federal standard is 2,000 nanograms per milliliter, but Jameson Hospital used a reading of 300 nanograms, according to the lawsuit. Which apparently means that 7 bagels would cause it for standard tests then? I’m thinking somebody just REALLY f**ked up & now Ms. Mort has a nice chunk of change for little Issy’s college fund (or a hell of a weekend thanks to her opium dealer). ACLU officials said Tuesday the hospital and county have implemented policy changes so newborns aren't taken from parents based only on maternal drug tests, which can be inaccurate. "We hope that this case will encourage hospitals that routinely test pregnant women for drug use to reconsider that practice due to the harm that can result from false positives," said Pennsylvania ACLU staff attorney Sara Rose. So wait, you want to stop testing mothers for drugs? Is that what you’re saying? Great plan, ACLU!!! Tired of pulling in the silver medal every year for Stupidest F**king Agency race to PETA? This will help immensely.

 

Another Cop Fail - Felony charges were dropped on Thursday against a 20-year-old University of Virginia student who says she panicked when undercover agents from the state's Alcohol Beverage Control division mistook her water purchase for beer. Yup. According to Charlottesville (Va.) Daily Progress, the student, Elizabeth Daly, was walking to her car on April 11^th at approximately 10:15 p.m. with a box of sparkling water, cookie dough and ice cream she had just bought from a local supermarket when the agents (six men and one woman, all in plainclothes) approached suspecting the box, a blue carton of LaCroix sparkling water, to be a 12-pack of beer. One jumped on the hood of her SUV; another pulled out a gun, Daly said, as her roommates seated inside looked on in horror. Keep in mind, they’re in plain clothes… and some crazy mother f**ker just jumped on the hood & guns are being drawn. "They were showing unidentifiable badges after they approached us, but we became frightened, as they were not in anything close to a uniform," Daly wrote in an account submitted to the court. "I couldn't put my windows down unless I started my car, and when I started my car they began yelling to not move the car, not to start the car. They began trying to break the windows. My roommates and I were ... terrified." Daly's roommate in the front passenger seat told her to "go, go, go"—and that's what she did, apparently "grazing" two of the agents in the process. The students called 911 as they left the parking lot, police said, and were pulled over by another agent driving a vehicle with lights and sirens, Charlottesville Commonwealth Attorney Dave Chapman told the paper. Daly (for some reason) apologized when she realized who they were, Chapman said, but agents arrested Daly and charged her with two counts of assaulting a law enforcement officer and one count of eluding police—each carrying a maximum penalty of five years in prison and $2,500 in fines. By the way, all cops are heroes. She spent the night in Albemarle-Charlottesville Regional Jail. Daly wrote, "This has been an extremely trying experience. It is something to this day I cannot understand or believe has come to this point." Either can Chapman. "It wouldn't be the right thing to do to prosecute this," he said. NO SH*T!!! Nonetheless, Chapman "stood by the agents' decision to file charges, citing faith in a process that yielded an appropriate resolution." "You don't know all the facts until you complete the investigation," he said. Really? That’s what you’re going with? Okay… good luck with that… and don’t worry, the taxpayers of Charlottesville will pay for your mistakes… like all taxpayers do when the police f**k over the innocent due to incompetence. F**k the police! I can’t believe that I used to respect you guys… “She’s got water! Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to… COOKIE DOUGH!!! (Bang bang bang…) Shots fired, shots fired, officer down… looks like he was shot in the foot. Suspect on the run. Heading south on Grant. Removing my ski mask to administer first aid.” I think Ms. Daly has a way to pay for her college tuition now. Great job!

 

NBA 2K13 Update: So... well into the 2nd season for $teve Love now... and the Milwaukee Bucks are 34-5, I'm 2nd in the MVP voting behind teammate Monta Ellis...though still barely on the cusp of maybe being an All-Star (don't ask me). However, the main thing... is all of the advertising for me...

 

Winning the title...

 

Cover of Sports Illustrated...

 

 

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight! Hope that you all have a great Independence Day Weekend!!!

America Back in the Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Bart is still on strike… in other news…

 

Fish Story - A fisherman in Alaska took home a catch for the ages recently when he reeled in a 40-pound shortraker rockfish that experts believe is at least 200 years old. The Daily Sitka Journal reported that Henry Liebman of Seattle was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Alaska on June 21 when he hooked the record-setting shortraker fish from a depth of approximately 900 feet. “I knew it was abnormally big (but I) didn’t know it was a record until on the way back we looked in the Alaska guide book that was on the boat,” Liebman told the paper. Shortrakers, which have hues of orange, pink or red on top of their white bodies, are one of the most commonly sought fish in Alaska and can live at depths of more than 2,500 feet. Troy Tidingco, Sitka area manager for the state Department of Fish and Game, said the fish is still being analyzed but he believes it is at least 200 years old. Tidingco said that would beat the current record of 175 years. And if my calculations are correct, that’s about 25 years more. Math, b**ches! Researchers are able to determine the age of a shortraker by the number of growth rings along its ear bone. What? Really? It’s seriously one of those “count the rings” and you’re throwing in an ear bone? What if humans were like that? “How old are you miss?” “22.” “Let’s see the ear… these are obviously drawn on with an eyebrow pencil. Get back home sweetie, you’ve got class in the morning.” However, a previously caught rougheye rockfish, similar to the shortraker, was believed to have been 205 years old. Still, Tydingco said that record-setting fish “was quite a bit smaller” than the 41-inch specimen Liebman caught. In 2007, a commercial fisherman caught a similarly sized rockfish that turned out to be 115 years old. So basically… like most bits of media information, this is probably just a pointless thing… no records broken, just filler for a slow news day… but then again, maybe it is… nobody knows… hence the more filler. Amazingly, researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association say that fish was still fertile at the time of its capture. "The belly was large," NOAA researcher Paul Spencer told The Associated Press. "The ovaries were full of developing embryos." Liebman told the paper he plans to have the fish mounted back home in Seattle, but he did provide the Alaska Department of Fish and Game with a sample so its age could be determined. Tidingco noted that if the fish is actually as old as believed, it would easily predate the Alaska Purchase in 1867. Scientists say they still don't fully understand animal longevity. Normally, smaller animals tend to outlive larger ones, though that does not necessarily appear to be true with the rockfish. Fun fact: The oldest known animal on record was a clam believed to have been 400-years-old. How did they find out how old it was? They asked it. I don’t know… maybe it’s another “count the rings” thing. Maybe that’s why older ladies tend to have more rings. Perhaps it’s a ring for each decade of life… who knows? Science!

 

 

Eye of the Beholder – Art is a funny thing. Many will marvel at the artistry & skill of the “Mona Lisa”, while sane people will look at it & go “How is that different from any other of the thousands of portraits done during that time or millions since? What’s the big deal? Is it because Nat King Cole sang a song about it?” Strolls through an art museum for some people can either captivate the imagination… inspire you… or befoggle your very mind & make you question everything you thought that you ever knew about human beings. Well, this story is a little fun with that. A pair of Manhattan socialites are suing a private school for nearly a half-million dollars after it allegedly tricked them into bidding $50,000 for a finger painting done by kindergarteners. According to the lawsuit filed on Friday in New York State Supreme Court, Michelle-Marie and Jon Heinemann claim the Cathedral School of St. John the Divine sent them a bill for $50,000 after the March 1 silent auction. “This is essentially a painting done by 5-year-olds,” a "source who knows the family" told the New York Post, which first reported the lawsuit. The school scoffed at the Heinemanns' claims. "These allegations are sad, false and without merit," a spokesman for the Upper West Side school said in a statement to Yahoo News. "The Cathedral School has a more than 100-year reputation of excellence in education and service to its students and demonstrates a profound respect for the dignity and equality of every child.” How about some details to find out exactly what’s going on here now that we’re a good few paragraphs into the story? The Heinemanns—whose 5-year-old son, Hudson (I’m assuming named after the badass Gargoyle & not the smelly river), attended the school—were not present at the auction… but instructed the school to bid on their behalf until they won the artwork. Sigh… can you tell where this is going yet? The Heinemanns claim the finger-painted piece should have sold for a maximum of $3,000 (seriously?), but a high-ranking school official made a first-grade teacher bid against the Heinemanns… resulting in the $50,000 price tag. And that was in addition to "$6,000 worth of designer clothing items" the Heinemanns bought and donated to the school specifically for the auction, the suit states. Yes… and on another note, the $56,000 alone spent on this finger painting & clothes to wear to the event for purchase of this finger painting could have fed over 180 African adults for an entire year. This is why the world hates us.

 

From the lawsuit: Additionally, Plaintiff Michelle-Marie Heinemann, a renowned artist whose works have sold for tens of thousands of dollars, donated significant amounts of her time to work with the children at the school on an art project to be included in the Auction. The family subsequently pulled Hudson out of the $39,000-a-year school. OH NO! Home schooling? What a tragedy! (If that were really the case) According to the lawsuit, the employee who engineered the auction scam was terminated. But the Heinemanns say their trouble with the K-8 day school began well before the auction. They say Hudson was "subjected to disparate and unfair treatment" during the 2012-2013 school year. He "was consistently left out of School exhibits and films" and "was made to go last at nearly everything," the lawsuit claims: On one occasion, Plaintiffs' five-year-old son was relegated to the role of "door-holder" and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students. The Heinemanns say they tried to discuss the situation with school officials, but "were either ignored or otherwise met with resentment." They say they "were forced to endure humiliation and emotional damages" as a result of the auction debacle. They're seeking $415,900 in damages, including the following:

 

• Tuition to a new school- $20,000 (half the cost of previous school);
• Forfeiting deposit paid to Defendant School for the following school year- $5,000;
• Maintaining the employment of a family driver that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $60,000;
• Continuing the employment of the family housekeeper that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $1,200 per week

 

In other unrelated news, I’m considering becoming a family driver and/or family housekeeper to make $60,000-$120,000 a year. Okay, point number one: You are the f**king idiots that set it up to screw yourself. What exactly was this auction for? Fundraising of the school that you’re already paying $39,000 a year for & donating your time to? You’re buying your kid’s f**king finger paintings? “I don’t care what it costs!”? Apparently you do… and somebody took advantage of that stupid situation that you put yourself in. Which leads me to point two, of COURSE they took advantage of you, sucker! They didn’t even have to do a three card monty. That game was reduced to “Okay Jack, pick the red card.” “Here, just take my wallet & tell me if I won.” “Oh, sorry chum, them’s the breaks! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m fresh out of pomade.” Exits stage right to Vaudeville piano…

 

Point three: Maybe your 5-year old son is just a gentleman, holding the door for his classmates. Would you rather he be a classroom traffic controller or educational usher? “Right this way to you seat, Ms. Smythe!” Point four: Your son was left out of school exhibits & films? First off, he’s five years old… I’ve seen them before, there’s absolutely no need for them to be on exhibit unless they have horns, hair like the wolf boy or have a third of something they’re supposed to have two. Then the price should only be two bits a gander. As for the films, maybe your son isn’t… how do I put this? Maybe he isn’t camera candy. Perhaps your son is more suited for behind the camera… or radio… you know, like the Baldwin that nobody cares about or Brad Pitt’s brother or Dick Howard. I’m sure he’s still a cute kid… but let’s face it, he’s five years old… and he’s not going to set the cinema world on fire by NOT being a class film about… what the hell would that even be about? Oooh… unless it’s a reenactment of Rumplestiltzchen or the Hunchback of Notre Dame or something… then your son could be the STAR!!! Then again, everybody would want to be the star… because there can only be one star & everybody else plays a f**king tree or goat or cloud or something in the background. We get it, you’re new parents. I’m not even a parent & I understand that. Point five: Sure, go ahead & sue for a half million dollars even though the above stipulations don’t even reach $150,000… so the other $300,000+ is the emotional damages that you (not your son) have endured from you being a f**king idiot? The defense rests, your Honor. Case closed. “I told you, that’s my line!” Point six: Your poor kid’s name is Hudson Heinemann. I almost want to beat him up.

 

Chop Chop – This next courtroom story irks me to my very core. A judge sentenced a Southern California woman who cut off her estranged husband's penis (yeesh!) and tossed it in the garbage disposal (NOOOO!!!) to life in prison (YAY!!!) with the possibility of parole (NO!!!)… in seven years (Are you f**king kidding me?). Okay, now for the back-story so I can get you informed as well as the current state of the media will allow. Catherine Kieu, 50, was convicted by an Orange County jury in April of aggravated mayhem and torture following the July 2011 assault on her ex-husband. According to reports, they were going through divorce proceedings (though I can’t seem to find details as to why for motive other than she’s a crazy b**ch) when Kieu drugged her 60-year old former spouse’s tofu with sleeping pills… before tying him up to the bed… and severing his penis with a 10-inch kitchen knife. She then threw it into the garbage disposal unit. An attorney for Vietnam-born Kieu argued at trial that she had suffered sexual abuse as a child which left her with post-traumatic stress. She was remorseful about the attack, he said.

 

I’m sorry… did her former husband abuse her? No? Did she chop off the offending party’s penis forty years later until they bled out in painful anguish? Then it doesn’t f**king matter how remorseful you are. After the sentencing hearing, the victim - identified only as "Glen" - said he obviously wished Orange County Superior Court Judge Richard Toohey could have given Kieu more time behind bars, City News Service reported. Yes, more time than “life”!!! "Deep down inside I was hoping for a stronger sentence, but given the restraints of the law this is what he had to do," he said. "There may be a situation where I can be happy, but whole? Never ... I've got a long ways to go." So fellas, let’s say you got touched by an uncle when you were a kid… it’s okay… because using this case as reference, you can get back at him by drugging a girl forty years later, preferably somebody close like your wife, not just some random side chick, tying her up, chopping off her breasts, throwing them in the blender for the world’s worst smoothie, and you’ll only have to serve seven years for your heinous act of violence against a loved one… or you can have a pound of weed in your car. It’s about the same sentence if I’m not mistaken. Thank you, court system! You never cease to disappoint me in every way! By the way, I’m not a huge advocate for the Code of Hammurabi or anything as a legal system but… somehow I feel this might be an appropriate situation. Eye for an eye & all that sh*t. I can hear it now. “But $teve, he was 60 & probably not even using it anymore… so no real harm done.” In that case, you’ve convinced me that the only justice is to severely maim her vagina, like Middle East style… because obviously she’s not going to be using hers anymore, right? You heard it, judge. Make it happen! Or set her free in seven years because she says she’s really sorry about it… and then she dies mysteriously one night when her house goes up in flames after a few Vietnam vets with PTSD on hard times have flashbacks after being given an address that they were told was for a VFW shelter… but instead is her residence. I’m just saying, mistakes are made… and it’s a damn tragedy. Also, I’m just picturing this b**ch getting seven years in prison, getting a free ride & three meals a day, being idolized by all the other b**ches in prison. “What’re you in for?” “I chopped off my husband’s penis & threw it in the garbage disposal.” “Why?” “Because somebody touched me inappropriately forty years ago & I have no concept of perception & reality.” “Yeah, f**k men! Throw them all in the garbage disposal.” Justice!

 

America Circa 1900 – I feel like I’ve been leaving news stories with downers for a while now… so I’m gonna end with this. A number of panoramic photographs from more than 100 years ago show how one man’s creative thinking helped influence photography—especially aerial photography. In 1893, photographer George R. Lawrence inherited a camera studio and launched his new company with the motto, “The Hitherto Impossible in Photography is Our Specialty." I like it already! Lawrence was particularly interested in aerial photography, according to the Library of Congress, and in 1901 he began using a series of creative approaches that eventually led to capturing images from thousands of feet above Earth. Lawrence first turned to wooden ladders, but he wanted to go higher… “How high?” “So high that he could touch the sky?” “How sick?” “So sick that you can suck my…” Okay, Redman & Method Man moment is over now. Anyway, Mr. Lawrence wanted to go higher… so he started using balloons to get his unique photographs. Airplanes were not an option, because it was still more than two years before the Wright Brothers' maiden flight in 1903. The high-flying innovator would travel the skies above communities across the United States to capture images of developing cities. A near-death experience “inspired” Lawrence to move away from balloons. During one flight, the cage Lawrence was riding in tore free from the balloon, sending him falling to the ground hundreds of feet below. His life was saved when the cage’s fall was broken by telephone lines (ZAP!!!). Amazingly, Lawrence walked away from the incident unharmed. That incident also pushed Lawrence's photography to new heights. He began experimenting with using kites, even stringing 17 of them together to lift a 50-pound camera an estimated 2,000 feet into the air (the prequel to “Up” entitled “Eye in the Sky”). In 1906, Lawrence famously used his kite method to capture a panoramic view chronicling the devastating aftermath of fires that had leveled much of San Francisco after a major earthquake. If you’re interested, you can view the full collection of Lawrence’s aerial photographs at the Library of Congress… but here are a few examples…

 

San Francisco after the big quake of 1906

 

The Jersey Shore – Atlantic City 1909

 

Washington D.C. in 1905

 

Well, that’ll do it for today. I know that you’re impressed that I’ve been cranking out a few of these entries a week again since it has been a few years since I could… but unfortunately I wouldn’t get too used to it. I have a little bit of free time here & there but only because it’s kind of a lull in my busy season. I’ll certainly try to keep things up & keep you informed… but just be aware… I’m trying hard to keep my fans (both of them) on the cutting edge of entertainment. Have a great 4^th of July weekend everybody!!! Happy birthday, ‘Merica!!!