Thanks Be Unto You

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, it’s the time of year when we should all be grateful for many, many, many, many things. Here are a few things that top my list:

 

·     My Family – I spent Thanksgiving with basically my new family… and in two weeks’ time I’ll be in Utah with the rest of them for Christmas

 

·     My Friends – I’m glad that I’m apparently able to surround myself with good people wherever I go

 

·     My Lady – She’s amazing… can’t really say enough about her

 

·     My Health – This one has really hit home recently when a few friends & coworkers have been dealt some seriously life-changing blows… and I wish them all a speedy recovery & send them my warmest wishes

 

·     My Mind – Like my health, I’d better enjoy it while I can… family history is less than promising

 

·     My Country – “America… f**k yeah!” Say what you want about the state of absolute decay that it’s going into because of ridiculous leadership on just about all levels… but it’s still better than where over 90% of the rest of the world’s population lives

 

·     Beer – “The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems”

 

Now that we’ve got those major things out of the way… let’s check out the news…

 

The Mad Tipper - Before Aaron Collins died, he gave his brother, Seth, a mission: Eat, be merry and leave a giant tip. On Wednesday night, Seth Collins of Lexington, Kentucky, did just that, leaving a $500 tip for a Friendly's waitress in Springfield, Vermont. It's part of a nationwide tour that Collins is carrying out in the name of his brother, who died in July 2012 at the age of 30. In a story provided by the Eagle Times of Claremont, the Friendly's waitress, Julie Bombria, said she thought she was going to faint after getting the generous tip. "This is the nicest thing anyone has done," she said. In his will, Aaron Collins asked his family to give his money to people in need. His cause of death is still unknown, according to the newspaper. Through his family, he's given away 81 tips throughout the Midwest, Pacific and Mountain West regions and is now in New England. Initially, Seth Collins took family and friends to dinner at a Lexington restaurant, gave their server $500 and recorded it. Aaron's wish was fulfilled but far from over. Seth Collins put a video of his first tipping spree on Facebook and started getting donations from around the world. The total's up to $50,000. "(Aaron) thought it would be a one-shot deal," Collins said. "I was going to do this like three or four times, but people were so compelled that they kept giving money. I'm going to give it back on behalf of my brother." He is on his way to Maine, then he will work his way down through New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and the Mid-Atlantic. "Being on the other side of the table and giving away $500 tips is very rewarding," Collins said. So if you’re on the East Coast, keep your eyes out for Seth. Man, it would be nice to give money like that willy-nilly. It’s a good story about helping others in need… that are really in need…

 

Not just, for example, a heavy-set man standing in a BART station saying, “Five bucks… five bucks… five bucks… lots of people in need… five bucks… five bucks…” I indulged this gentleman (dressed in a suit of course):

 

$teve: “What are you selling?”

Man: “Wha’?”

$teve: “What are you selling for five bucks?”

Man: “Nah man, I’m hungry… and cold. I need five bucks.”

$teve: “Really? Not even messing around with change anymore? Going straight for five bucks?”

Man: “Everything expensive…”

$teve: “Oh I KNOW! Believe me, I KNOW! Well, good luck with that…”

Man: (under his breath) “F**k you!”

$teve: “Happy holidays to you too!”

 

Yes, I know I sound like an asshole… but seriously? Granted there are a LOT of homeless people here in the City… but as I get older, my feelings toward them goes from pity & a longing to help them… to actually having met a few… and that just led to bitter resentment. Some are drunken, belligerent asshats… some are drug addicts… some are mentally unstable… some are honestly just f**king lazy… some are just preying on human emotions to support them… some of them it’s their f**king “job” & they go home to houses better than where I live. True story. Anyway, that’s basically why this next story REALLY irks my gurken…

 

Christmaspocracy - 11-year-old entrepreneur Madison Root was selling bags of hand-picked mistletoe in Oregon’s Portland Saturday Market to help pay for her braces… but was told to stop because she was violating a city code. The young salesperson told KATU 2 news, "I wouldn't think that I'd have any problems because people are asking for money, people are selling stuff, this is a public place." But the private security guard for the Portland Saturday Market said she was violating Chapter 20.12.020, which makes sales without permits illegal. Madison’s father, Ashton Root (I'm assuming either her mother or brother is named Dakota by the way), was with her at the market and told The Oregonian that the guard said she couldn’t even give away the mistletoe and ask for donations… but begging for money would be okay. (LOOPHOLE FOUND! Beg for money… then throw mistletoe at them & call them “Obama’s c**ksucker!” It’s perfectly legal here!) Mark Ross, Portland Parks Bureau spokesperson, explained that begging is a protected form of free speech. "We totally understand the rule…But here she was selling mistletoe and all around her were people playing music for money, or asking for money for pot, or just spare change. We’re allowing people to beg, but not to sell; it seems like there should be some sort of exception,” Ashton said. Madison agreed, “I don't want to beg! I would rather work for something than beg." From a f**king 11 year old... AMERICA!!! After KATU’s original story spread, Madison’s business took off. In just two days orders streamed in, some for 20 or 30 bags of the mistletoe at a time. A fellow entrepreneur, McKenzie Cook, also took notice of Madison’s plight telling the station, "I saw Madison's story on KATU and I was so moved." So moved that McKenzie offered Madison $1000… for one night. Wait, no… sorry, just to help pay for the braces I think. The fellow Oregonian started his business McKenzie Farms, the second largest Christmas tree farm in the country, with no trees and felt, "This girl is what America is all about." Madison launched her own website which is taking donations for her braces fund and her “special cause of supporting the entrepreneurial spirit for kids of all ages.” Thanks to the mistletoe sales and McKenzie Cook’s contribution, Madison recently got her top row of braces. As her business takes off the pre-teen has been making media appearances and is planning an event on December 14th by the Saturday Market called, “Kiss Off Portland.” AMERICA!!! At the event the young entrepreneur will be speaking about making a difference in the city laws. The effort that began to fund her braces became a lesson in civics and Madison has developed her own platform saying, "People should be able to work for money. People should be able to try hard to make a living.” Needless to say, I agree.

 

I feel like I shouldn’t have to elaborate on this… because if you don’t understand the core concept, then there’s probably no way that I’m going to turn you. Mental illness & the physical inability to do something is one reason… but just giving up, not even trying & expecting the world to take care of you… that’s something that I just can’t stand. I’ve had a job since I was 15… and went to school for many years. Granted I had a great family to help set the foundation… but it wasn’t easy. I feel like I’m better for it obviously… and maybe it’s just me… but I see a lot of “kids” nowadays and how entitled they think they are… and it just makes me fearful for the future. Learn a trade… or two… or three. Give more than you’ll get this holiday season… and to people who deserve it… not just because they’re related. Also, don’t just give them sh*t. Give them something that they’d actually use or would be helpful to them. If they roll their eyes or give you guff that they wanted some piece of sh*t, take it back & give them the back of your hand. Okay… maybe not that extreme… but inform them that you care for them & this is a gift because of that… and if they don’t like that, THEN you ask them “What did the five fingers say to the face?” SLAP!!! Whatever… rant over.

 

On that note, I just wanted to wish everybody a HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! Hopefully you find this blog a little helpful… as it’s wrapped with Love & sprinkled with bacon on at least a weekly basis. Have a great day everybody!!!

America Back in the Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Bart is still on strike… in other news…

 

Fish Story - A fisherman in Alaska took home a catch for the ages recently when he reeled in a 40-pound shortraker rockfish that experts believe is at least 200 years old. The Daily Sitka Journal reported that Henry Liebman of Seattle was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Alaska on June 21 when he hooked the record-setting shortraker fish from a depth of approximately 900 feet. “I knew it was abnormally big (but I) didn’t know it was a record until on the way back we looked in the Alaska guide book that was on the boat,” Liebman told the paper. Shortrakers, which have hues of orange, pink or red on top of their white bodies, are one of the most commonly sought fish in Alaska and can live at depths of more than 2,500 feet. Troy Tidingco, Sitka area manager for the state Department of Fish and Game, said the fish is still being analyzed but he believes it is at least 200 years old. Tidingco said that would beat the current record of 175 years. And if my calculations are correct, that’s about 25 years more. Math, b**ches! Researchers are able to determine the age of a shortraker by the number of growth rings along its ear bone. What? Really? It’s seriously one of those “count the rings” and you’re throwing in an ear bone? What if humans were like that? “How old are you miss?” “22.” “Let’s see the ear… these are obviously drawn on with an eyebrow pencil. Get back home sweetie, you’ve got class in the morning.” However, a previously caught rougheye rockfish, similar to the shortraker, was believed to have been 205 years old. Still, Tydingco said that record-setting fish “was quite a bit smaller” than the 41-inch specimen Liebman caught. In 2007, a commercial fisherman caught a similarly sized rockfish that turned out to be 115 years old. So basically… like most bits of media information, this is probably just a pointless thing… no records broken, just filler for a slow news day… but then again, maybe it is… nobody knows… hence the more filler. Amazingly, researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association say that fish was still fertile at the time of its capture. "The belly was large," NOAA researcher Paul Spencer told The Associated Press. "The ovaries were full of developing embryos." Liebman told the paper he plans to have the fish mounted back home in Seattle, but he did provide the Alaska Department of Fish and Game with a sample so its age could be determined. Tidingco noted that if the fish is actually as old as believed, it would easily predate the Alaska Purchase in 1867. Scientists say they still don't fully understand animal longevity. Normally, smaller animals tend to outlive larger ones, though that does not necessarily appear to be true with the rockfish. Fun fact: The oldest known animal on record was a clam believed to have been 400-years-old. How did they find out how old it was? They asked it. I don’t know… maybe it’s another “count the rings” thing. Maybe that’s why older ladies tend to have more rings. Perhaps it’s a ring for each decade of life… who knows? Science!

 

 

Eye of the Beholder – Art is a funny thing. Many will marvel at the artistry & skill of the “Mona Lisa”, while sane people will look at it & go “How is that different from any other of the thousands of portraits done during that time or millions since? What’s the big deal? Is it because Nat King Cole sang a song about it?” Strolls through an art museum for some people can either captivate the imagination… inspire you… or befoggle your very mind & make you question everything you thought that you ever knew about human beings. Well, this story is a little fun with that. A pair of Manhattan socialites are suing a private school for nearly a half-million dollars after it allegedly tricked them into bidding $50,000 for a finger painting done by kindergarteners. According to the lawsuit filed on Friday in New York State Supreme Court, Michelle-Marie and Jon Heinemann claim the Cathedral School of St. John the Divine sent them a bill for $50,000 after the March 1 silent auction. “This is essentially a painting done by 5-year-olds,” a "source who knows the family" told the New York Post, which first reported the lawsuit. The school scoffed at the Heinemanns' claims. "These allegations are sad, false and without merit," a spokesman for the Upper West Side school said in a statement to Yahoo News. "The Cathedral School has a more than 100-year reputation of excellence in education and service to its students and demonstrates a profound respect for the dignity and equality of every child.” How about some details to find out exactly what’s going on here now that we’re a good few paragraphs into the story? The Heinemanns—whose 5-year-old son, Hudson (I’m assuming named after the badass Gargoyle & not the smelly river), attended the school—were not present at the auction… but instructed the school to bid on their behalf until they won the artwork. Sigh… can you tell where this is going yet? The Heinemanns claim the finger-painted piece should have sold for a maximum of $3,000 (seriously?), but a high-ranking school official made a first-grade teacher bid against the Heinemanns… resulting in the $50,000 price tag. And that was in addition to "$6,000 worth of designer clothing items" the Heinemanns bought and donated to the school specifically for the auction, the suit states. Yes… and on another note, the $56,000 alone spent on this finger painting & clothes to wear to the event for purchase of this finger painting could have fed over 180 African adults for an entire year. This is why the world hates us.

 

From the lawsuit: Additionally, Plaintiff Michelle-Marie Heinemann, a renowned artist whose works have sold for tens of thousands of dollars, donated significant amounts of her time to work with the children at the school on an art project to be included in the Auction. The family subsequently pulled Hudson out of the $39,000-a-year school. OH NO! Home schooling? What a tragedy! (If that were really the case) According to the lawsuit, the employee who engineered the auction scam was terminated. But the Heinemanns say their trouble with the K-8 day school began well before the auction. They say Hudson was "subjected to disparate and unfair treatment" during the 2012-2013 school year. He "was consistently left out of School exhibits and films" and "was made to go last at nearly everything," the lawsuit claims: On one occasion, Plaintiffs' five-year-old son was relegated to the role of "door-holder" and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students. The Heinemanns say they tried to discuss the situation with school officials, but "were either ignored or otherwise met with resentment." They say they "were forced to endure humiliation and emotional damages" as a result of the auction debacle. They're seeking $415,900 in damages, including the following:

 

• Tuition to a new school- $20,000 (half the cost of previous school);
• Forfeiting deposit paid to Defendant School for the following school year- $5,000;
• Maintaining the employment of a family driver that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $60,000;
• Continuing the employment of the family housekeeper that is no longer needed due to the relocation- $1,200 per week

 

In other unrelated news, I’m considering becoming a family driver and/or family housekeeper to make $60,000-$120,000 a year. Okay, point number one: You are the f**king idiots that set it up to screw yourself. What exactly was this auction for? Fundraising of the school that you’re already paying $39,000 a year for & donating your time to? You’re buying your kid’s f**king finger paintings? “I don’t care what it costs!”? Apparently you do… and somebody took advantage of that stupid situation that you put yourself in. Which leads me to point two, of COURSE they took advantage of you, sucker! They didn’t even have to do a three card monty. That game was reduced to “Okay Jack, pick the red card.” “Here, just take my wallet & tell me if I won.” “Oh, sorry chum, them’s the breaks! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m fresh out of pomade.” Exits stage right to Vaudeville piano…

 

Point three: Maybe your 5-year old son is just a gentleman, holding the door for his classmates. Would you rather he be a classroom traffic controller or educational usher? “Right this way to you seat, Ms. Smythe!” Point four: Your son was left out of school exhibits & films? First off, he’s five years old… I’ve seen them before, there’s absolutely no need for them to be on exhibit unless they have horns, hair like the wolf boy or have a third of something they’re supposed to have two. Then the price should only be two bits a gander. As for the films, maybe your son isn’t… how do I put this? Maybe he isn’t camera candy. Perhaps your son is more suited for behind the camera… or radio… you know, like the Baldwin that nobody cares about or Brad Pitt’s brother or Dick Howard. I’m sure he’s still a cute kid… but let’s face it, he’s five years old… and he’s not going to set the cinema world on fire by NOT being a class film about… what the hell would that even be about? Oooh… unless it’s a reenactment of Rumplestiltzchen or the Hunchback of Notre Dame or something… then your son could be the STAR!!! Then again, everybody would want to be the star… because there can only be one star & everybody else plays a f**king tree or goat or cloud or something in the background. We get it, you’re new parents. I’m not even a parent & I understand that. Point five: Sure, go ahead & sue for a half million dollars even though the above stipulations don’t even reach $150,000… so the other $300,000+ is the emotional damages that you (not your son) have endured from you being a f**king idiot? The defense rests, your Honor. Case closed. “I told you, that’s my line!” Point six: Your poor kid’s name is Hudson Heinemann. I almost want to beat him up.

 

Chop Chop – This next courtroom story irks me to my very core. A judge sentenced a Southern California woman who cut off her estranged husband's penis (yeesh!) and tossed it in the garbage disposal (NOOOO!!!) to life in prison (YAY!!!) with the possibility of parole (NO!!!)… in seven years (Are you f**king kidding me?). Okay, now for the back-story so I can get you informed as well as the current state of the media will allow. Catherine Kieu, 50, was convicted by an Orange County jury in April of aggravated mayhem and torture following the July 2011 assault on her ex-husband. According to reports, they were going through divorce proceedings (though I can’t seem to find details as to why for motive other than she’s a crazy b**ch) when Kieu drugged her 60-year old former spouse’s tofu with sleeping pills… before tying him up to the bed… and severing his penis with a 10-inch kitchen knife. She then threw it into the garbage disposal unit. An attorney for Vietnam-born Kieu argued at trial that she had suffered sexual abuse as a child which left her with post-traumatic stress. She was remorseful about the attack, he said.

 

I’m sorry… did her former husband abuse her? No? Did she chop off the offending party’s penis forty years later until they bled out in painful anguish? Then it doesn’t f**king matter how remorseful you are. After the sentencing hearing, the victim - identified only as "Glen" - said he obviously wished Orange County Superior Court Judge Richard Toohey could have given Kieu more time behind bars, City News Service reported. Yes, more time than “life”!!! "Deep down inside I was hoping for a stronger sentence, but given the restraints of the law this is what he had to do," he said. "There may be a situation where I can be happy, but whole? Never ... I've got a long ways to go." So fellas, let’s say you got touched by an uncle when you were a kid… it’s okay… because using this case as reference, you can get back at him by drugging a girl forty years later, preferably somebody close like your wife, not just some random side chick, tying her up, chopping off her breasts, throwing them in the blender for the world’s worst smoothie, and you’ll only have to serve seven years for your heinous act of violence against a loved one… or you can have a pound of weed in your car. It’s about the same sentence if I’m not mistaken. Thank you, court system! You never cease to disappoint me in every way! By the way, I’m not a huge advocate for the Code of Hammurabi or anything as a legal system but… somehow I feel this might be an appropriate situation. Eye for an eye & all that sh*t. I can hear it now. “But $teve, he was 60 & probably not even using it anymore… so no real harm done.” In that case, you’ve convinced me that the only justice is to severely maim her vagina, like Middle East style… because obviously she’s not going to be using hers anymore, right? You heard it, judge. Make it happen! Or set her free in seven years because she says she’s really sorry about it… and then she dies mysteriously one night when her house goes up in flames after a few Vietnam vets with PTSD on hard times have flashbacks after being given an address that they were told was for a VFW shelter… but instead is her residence. I’m just saying, mistakes are made… and it’s a damn tragedy. Also, I’m just picturing this b**ch getting seven years in prison, getting a free ride & three meals a day, being idolized by all the other b**ches in prison. “What’re you in for?” “I chopped off my husband’s penis & threw it in the garbage disposal.” “Why?” “Because somebody touched me inappropriately forty years ago & I have no concept of perception & reality.” “Yeah, f**k men! Throw them all in the garbage disposal.” Justice!

 

America Circa 1900 – I feel like I’ve been leaving news stories with downers for a while now… so I’m gonna end with this. A number of panoramic photographs from more than 100 years ago show how one man’s creative thinking helped influence photography—especially aerial photography. In 1893, photographer George R. Lawrence inherited a camera studio and launched his new company with the motto, “The Hitherto Impossible in Photography is Our Specialty." I like it already! Lawrence was particularly interested in aerial photography, according to the Library of Congress, and in 1901 he began using a series of creative approaches that eventually led to capturing images from thousands of feet above Earth. Lawrence first turned to wooden ladders, but he wanted to go higher… “How high?” “So high that he could touch the sky?” “How sick?” “So sick that you can suck my…” Okay, Redman & Method Man moment is over now. Anyway, Mr. Lawrence wanted to go higher… so he started using balloons to get his unique photographs. Airplanes were not an option, because it was still more than two years before the Wright Brothers' maiden flight in 1903. The high-flying innovator would travel the skies above communities across the United States to capture images of developing cities. A near-death experience “inspired” Lawrence to move away from balloons. During one flight, the cage Lawrence was riding in tore free from the balloon, sending him falling to the ground hundreds of feet below. His life was saved when the cage’s fall was broken by telephone lines (ZAP!!!). Amazingly, Lawrence walked away from the incident unharmed. That incident also pushed Lawrence's photography to new heights. He began experimenting with using kites, even stringing 17 of them together to lift a 50-pound camera an estimated 2,000 feet into the air (the prequel to “Up” entitled “Eye in the Sky”). In 1906, Lawrence famously used his kite method to capture a panoramic view chronicling the devastating aftermath of fires that had leveled much of San Francisco after a major earthquake. If you’re interested, you can view the full collection of Lawrence’s aerial photographs at the Library of Congress… but here are a few examples…

 

San Francisco after the big quake of 1906

 

The Jersey Shore – Atlantic City 1909

 

Washington D.C. in 1905

 

Well, that’ll do it for today. I know that you’re impressed that I’ve been cranking out a few of these entries a week again since it has been a few years since I could… but unfortunately I wouldn’t get too used to it. I have a little bit of free time here & there but only because it’s kind of a lull in my busy season. I’ll certainly try to keep things up & keep you informed… but just be aware… I’m trying hard to keep my fans (both of them) on the cutting edge of entertainment. Have a great 4^th of July weekend everybody!!! Happy birthday, ‘Merica!!!

Death by Snoo Snoo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Great weekend. Lots of rain, lots of family time, good stuff. Saturday, I woke up in a pretty good mood...because it was raining heavily...and you know how I feel about that. No rain lightly drumming the roof to help ease me to sleep...but luckily there was a little wind too so that brushed a tree against my bedroom wall and I could still hear it a bit...and the car tires sloshing through it on their way home. So I awoke refreshed & renewed...and headed out to hang with my brother. He has been VERY lonely the past few weeks but I spent a few hours with him before he had to go to work, which was him playing video games mostly...but we also checked out a Halloween store for outfits for the kids. Nothing definite for them...but something great did come out of this trip.

We decided that if we ever decide to really rob a bank (I've told you that it's been a dream of ours for a while...but we're too easily identifiable in a lineup due to our height) that we would do it dressed as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Why? Why not? Think about it. Sure, the drive to the bank may be less than conspicuous...but think about it. Running up in there with green face paint (or a form-fitted mask), Kevlar vest shell, semi-automatic weapon in one hand...and a ninja weapon in the other, and you've already got the nicknames burned into your psyche. "Raph, get the cash. Mikey, you're on crowd control. Sixty seconds." Some of you may be saying, "$teve, why have the guns? You already have the superior ninja skills. Why cheapen the experience?" It's not my choice, believe me. However, people have been watching too many movies nowadays and want to be a hero...and there's more of a chance that somebody will want to be one if they only have a kitana blade or nunchakus to worry about...and it'll just save time...and I don't want to have to make an example out of anybody, I just want to get the money and ninja vanish with a smoke bomb. The banks are insured. I know I sound like an incredible humanitarian when I talk about robbing a bank...but hey, like I said, it's a big IF. Now that I've posted my plan on the internet, I'm sure that somebody else will think that's a swell idea, have the balls & weaponry to use it, and I'll be the first one that the FBI talks to. Oh well, thus is the life of a criminal mastermind. Just thought that I'd share that with you. "Where's Splinter with the f**king van?"

The rest of the day was spent with my mom, niece & nephew watching "Jungle Book" and it amazes me that they were both singing along (how's that for a segway? Bank robbery to Disney flicks). My niece Kairi was singing "Bear Necessities" & "Til I'm Grown" and even little Vinny (not even two) was singing "Military Style" which just blew my mind. My mom was telling me that I used to do the same thing as a kid with everything from the "Muppets Take Manhattan" to "Revenge of the Nerds" so...at least they're watching movies more appropriate for children then I was. That night, after the kids went to bed, I walked out of the house...in the rain and apparently a full moon with a few stars peeking through the clouds and nearly blinding moonlight. That's why I like to go to the Fortress of Solitude. Sure, talking to my mom is great...and the kids are usually up there...but sometimes I just need to get away from everything too. Stand out in an open area, listen to the wind & rain blow through the trees, glance over a valley completely lit by the soft glow of the moon, take in all the free beautiful things that the world has to offer...and just think my situation over. There are a LOT worse situations that I could be in.

The next day, I gave those kids a bath...and we had hella fun. Vinny kept standing up and jumping around...which I'm told is unsafe in a bathtub, so rather than let him find out the hard way, I just kept telling him to sit down. I wasn't going to let his first permanent scar be on my watch. "Dude, you watch my kids for fifteen minutes...and my son has a concussion & my daughter is traumatized from it?" "That's the thing with childcare, you get what you pay for, man." Those kids are hella cute...but I'm sure they'll outgrow it too soon. After that, I went to hang out with my brother again (because he had called me twice & left me three text messages in an hour wondering when I was coming down) and met up with him and went to watch some football at my buddy Isaiha's house. Good times. Then I drove home and slept like a baby. Like I said, not a bad weekend at all. Sure there wasn't any hot and heavy tales of lust involved (I decided to leave those dreams out of this episode) but hey, I got to sing Disney songs with two of the greatest little kids in the wide world. Now here's the news...

Best Place to Live - If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? French Riviera? New York City? Bora Bora? Rio de Janeiro? Well, that'll obviously depend on your personal situation...but luckily we also have a board at the United Nations that will help us decide the best places to live. And this year...Norway takes the number one spot in the annual United Nations human development index released Monday...but the People's Republic of China made the biggest strides in improving the well-being of its citizens. The index compiled by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) ranks 182 countries based on such criteria as life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product (GDP) per capita. Norway, Australia and Iceland took the first three spots while Niger (what did you just call me?) ranks at the very bottom, just below Afghanistan. China moved up seven places on the list to rank as the 92nd most developed country due to improvements in education as well as income levels and life expectancy. Colombia and Peru rose five spaces to rank 77th and 78th while France -- which was not part of the top 10 last year -- returns to the upper echelons by moving up three places to number 8. The UNDP said the index highlights the grave disparities between rich and poor countries. A child born in Niger can expect to live to just over 50, which is 30 years less than a child born in Norway. For every dollar a person earns in Niger, 85 dollars are earned in Norway. This year's index was based on data from 2007 and does not take into account the impact of the global economic crisis (yeah...because didn't Iceland go bankrupt?). "Many countries have experienced setbacks over recent decades, in the face of economic downturns, conflict-related crises and the HIV and AIDS epidemic," said the UN development report's author Jeni Klugman. "And this was even before the impact of the current global financial crisis was felt." Afghanistan, which returns to the list for the first time since 1996, is the only Asian country among the bottom ten which also include Sierra Leone in the 180th spot, just below the Central African Republic. The top ten countries listed on the index are: Norway, Australia, Iceland, Canada, Ireland, the Netherlands (AMSTERDAM!!!), Sweden, France, Switzerland and Japan. The United States ranks 13th, down one spot from last year.

Well, I'm proud to be the 13th greatest country to live in on Earth. The land of Elvis, Hollywood, bacon, Jack Daniels, all-you-can-eat buffets, Benjamin Franklin, grizzly bears, Starbucks, Hugh Hefner, credit cards, Rock & Roll, Batman, Twitter, Nat King Cole, crack, Chuck Norris, baseball, Bettie Page, Las Vegas, Levi jeans, Marilyn Monroe, Harley Davidson, pet rocks, professional wrestling, Rocky, Girls Gone Wild, monster trucks, Biggie Smalls, slap bracelets, Wal-Mart, FOOTBALL, Obama, Oprah, and ugh...Wonder Woman!!! (P.S. For some reason I wanted to sing "America, f**k yeah!!!" anybody else with me on that one?)

Anyway, that'll do it for today...but before I go, I want to hear your feedback. Best Country in the World...and the top three reasons why? Discuss.

My Country: United States of America
Reasons

• Diversity of Land - What do you want? Snow? Desert? Mountains? Skyscrapers? Wetlands? Corn as far as the eye can see? Pineapples? Pine trees? White sand beaches? Vineyards? We've got it...or your money back.


• Diversity of People - The Great Melting Pot of the World...and it's heated up by the ladies...


• Viewers Like You - Since the majority of my viewers are Americans...and I'm all about pandering...and that's why I may be President one day. ROCK, FLAG & EEEEAGLLLLLE!!!
  
  Have a great day everybody!!!