Everything is Sharks!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This weekend was pretty cool. Saturday, we were at one of Dizzy’s aunts’ house & she mentioned that the Gilroy Garlic Festival was this weekend. We had heard about it before but didn’t really check when it was recently… so we kind of impromptu adventures out to Gilroy (about 2 hours from SF) to experience it. Well… getting there was a bit of a pain… we were going fine until the freeway off ramp… and then it was about 90 minutes in traffic as temperatures approached 100 (by the way, all you people in LA rolling your eyes saying “so a Wednesday?” just keep it to yourselves) for the last few miles… even the great Gretchen overheated for a moment, so we pulled off in the shade & topped her off with coolant. Side note: Sunday we also changed her oil & tuned her up for the road trip next week… but more on that later.

 

We got to the festival & it was your typical festival… with food, craft booths, live music, etc. Basically though, I wasn’t well dressed for it (again, impromptu) and I’m apparently become a bit MORE of a puss when it comes to heat now… but frankly, it was f**king hot in any situation. Even the locals were commenting on it. Regardless, we stayed for a few hours, drank plenty of fluids, found a bracelet for Dizzy, ate some of the biggest f**king crawdads I’ve ever seen & then drove back to town with no problems at all. I’m glad that we went… even if it was pretty sweetie. Best part: No sun sickness because we played it smart.

 

That night, we watched “Mental” starring Toni Collette, Anthony LaPaglia, & Liev Schreiber. It’s from director P.J. Hogan (not to be confused with Paul Hogan from “Crocodile Dundee” fame) and is the story of an Australian family of 7 (children are all girls) whose father is the mayor (and a bit of a dick), mother is institutionalized & now they’re all questioning their mental health. Well, the father goes out & picks up a random lady off the street (Collette) who along with her loyal dog “RIPPAH!” help the family with their problems… in some pretty crazy ways… kind of like Mary Poppins… if she had spent some time in the pen. Anyway, I thought it was pretty entertaining… and kinda heartfelt at times… but you know, not an amazing movie. Good for some laughs as long as you can understand what they’re saying (lots of Australian accents). Kind of a feel good movie… I guess… check it out.

 

Courtesy of Netflix, our next adventure was the 80’s action flick “Commando” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, this may sound bad… but I hadn’t seen this movie before. I know, it shocked me too! I thought that I had seen it all in the Arnie library but apparently I had missed this one. Well, for those who haven’t seen it… think the plot of “Taken”, retired ex-special ops guy whose daughter (12-year old Alyssa Milano) is kidnapped, but in this one, it’s so that the bad boss (Dan Hedaya) will have Arnie kill somebody in South America. Well, Arnie is not having it… so he basically goes vendetta on everybody’s ass in tracking them down… lots of explosions, one-liners, random flight attendant tagging along (I probably would’ve ditched her very early in the movie in my rampage), cameos by guys that you may recognize from other shows now… but yeah, Arnie is a little more physically intimidating than Liam Neeson. I’d say check it out… but be prepared… it’s 1985 so it’s pretty cheesy… and I think Arnie’s first movie where he actually speaks a lot. Enjoy! Now for your local news…

 

 

Shocker: DC is Dishonest - For the second year in a row, residents of our nation’s capital have proven themselves the most likely to steal a dollar from your pocket (GASP!!!). At least, that’s according to one unusual new study, which found Washington, D.C. to be the least honest city or state in the nation. The makers of Honest Tea conducted the survey, which involved setting up an unmanned booth with bottles of their product on display. Customers were asked to use the honor system and leave $1 for each bottle of tea they took. In the end, 80% of Washingtonians paid for their beverage. But that was still far less than the national average of 92%. “As a company, Honest Tea values transparency,” National Honesty Index spokesman Dan Forman told Yahoo! News. “To touch on this, the company thought creating a light-hearted social experiment that takes a look at honesty in America would be a good way to start a conversation about honesty and how society values it.“ Fun fact: To add to the irony of the experiment, Honest Tea CEO Seth Goldman said he had his bike stolen while traveling to the D.C. booth. He said he had even chained the bike up before leaving it for a few hours. Now, a tea test is far from the final word on a city or state’s total measurement of honesty. But this is not the only study to find D.C. atop some less than ideal rankings. For example, a 2012 study found that workers in D.C. curse on the job more than of their colleagues around the nation. This is the fourth year that Honest Tea has conducted their little experiment, during which they visited all 50 states and 61 locations in total. Alabama and Hawaii tied for the most honest states, where 100% of customers paid for their tea. West Virginia was considered the second least honest state, with 85% of people paying for their tea (possible illiteracy curve?). Still, as Forman notes, a large majority of Americans paid for their drinks even in those so-called least honest states. “We were delighted to see that people in the U.S. were so honest. There is so much negative rhetoric put out there. It’s encouraging to know that in reality, when faced with a choice to do the right thing or steal, 92 percent of people in the U.S. chose to do the right thing.” Forman says the company will continue to tweak its honesty tests in future years to better measure how people respond to various scenarios testing their responses. Another fun fact: Utah was among the five least honest states! Yes, Utah! Now, frankly I’m a little shocked at that… but then again… maybe not shocked is the right word. Again, maybe it was a little bit of the literacy issue that I mentioned regarding West Virginia. Still… would you leave a dollar for tea? I’d like to think that my readers would but… then again… if I only had a five dollar bill & no change…

 

The Great Escape of the Pink Panther – No, not a reboot of the Peter Sellers movie series… but rather a tale of movie-like action. Armed men have broken a member of the so-called Pink Panther gang of jewel thieves out of a Swiss prison, police said on Friday. Bosnian gang member Poparic Milan escaped the jail in the Swiss canton of Vaud on Thursday night, along with another prisoner, after accomplices in two vehicles forced their way through a gate and fired at prison guards. The Pink Panthers, who have a weakness for expensive watches, have staged about 340 robberies on luxury stores in Europe, the Middle East, Asia and the United States since 1999, making off with booty worth more than 330 million Euros ($436.77 million), according to Interpol. That’s right… international jewel thieves! Milan, 34, had been serving a jail sentence of six years and eight months for robbing a jewelry store in Switzerland's watch-making capital Neuchatel in 2009. Known for their spectacular heists, the gang drove two cars into a Dubai shopping mall and through the window of a jewelry store in 2007, swiping goods worth about $14.5 million in a raid lasting less than a minute. The following year the group walked away with loot worth up to $113 million after entering the Harry Winston jewelers in central Paris disguised as women. Yeah… they broke into a Swiss prison & took their guy back. Ballsy…

  

The Return of the Pink Puma? – In American criminal system news, a convicted sex offender has pleaded guilty to repeatedly using phony credentials to gain entry into New York City jails. The New York Post reports that 36-year-old Yonkers resident Matthew Matagrano pleaded guilty Thursday to posing as a correction officer and sneaking into the Manhattan Detention Center. During one of those visits, on February 27^th, Matagrano assaulted an inmate and stole a $2,500 walkie-talkie (Really? They make those? F**k that’s why prisons are so expensive…). He also handed out cigarettes to inmates. It's not clear why the former inmate, whose rap sheet includes a conviction for sodomy and sexual abuse, wanted to get back into jails. My guess: Probably to sell cigarettes for… favors… but let’s not think too much into that. He faces 10 years behind bars at sentencing… because if there’s one thing that convicted sodomites fear… it’s a decade in prison. Sigh… I don’t think that armed men are going to break into jail to free this guy…

 

NBA 2K13 Update: I’ve won the MVP Award AND the Most Improved Player award (pretty sure that’s the first time that’s happened) as well as first team All-NBA & first team All-Defensive. I led the league in scoring, FG%, rebounds & even etched out minutes played by 2 minutes. Boom! Oh… and we (the Milwaukee Bucks) went 51-0 during the regular season since I basically decided to just take over & finally learned some of the tricks. Some games were close (10-0 runs when I sat on the bench for a minute happened a LOT) but yeah, pretty good season for a… 22-year old on the game. Next stop: Bulls in first round of the playoffs… and shortly after three-peating… Contract negotiations!!! Time for this sucka to get PAID!!! Here is my new billboard… and a magazine cover showing off my new shoe… but it really looks like I’m showing off a giant dildo, right?

 

Just a few more days until the start of our EPIC Oregon Road Trip. We’re still working out the plans… but it looks like we may get to see Portland for a few days, then drive along the Oregon Coast, drive dune buggies, fish & eat crab all day for a week, then on the drive back we may stop by Crater Lake & Klamath Falls. Not a bad trip, right? I will definitely keep you posted with pictures when I get back… but yeah, should be some pretty amazing fun. Have a great day everybody!!!

Was It All A Dream?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Thursday night, Dizzy, T-Dogg, J-Mo, his buddy Dave & I all went to see a special preview screening of “Pacific Rim” by director Guilllermo del Toro. You've probably all seen the commercials & posters... the movie that looks like a mix of Gundam, Voltron & Godzilla all rolled into one... like some kind of twisted teenage fantasy come to life... well, it pretty much is. The story is in the near future... these giant monsters called Kaiju (Japanese for something) start coming out of a dimensional riff in the depths of the Pacific Ocean & destroying coastal cities (you'll never guess which one is first... unless you've seen ANY disaster movie to ever come out of Hollywood). Well, in response to this new universal threat, the governments of the world join forces (HA!!!) to make these giant robots to fight them off called Jaegers (German for hunters... so I'm guessing they're designed by Germans instead of Japanese scientists who seem to have the lock on robots? Or maybe it just sounds cooler). Now, these robots have to be controlled by two pilots because... they do a "mind melt" with the robot (because wireless PS3 controllers don't work I guess) and just one pilot, the melt is too much for them. Okay, got it? Alright... so the monsters are getting bigger & bigger... so then the government pulls the funding of these robots to build a fence. Now... feel free to read that last sentence again. These monsters... that are traveling through a dimensional riffs in time & space... emerge in the depths of the ocean... travel thousands of miles to the coast line & apparently can only be stopped by robots punching them (because missiles & bombs don't work better?)... so a fence about a hundred feet high that you're going to build over the course of many many years is going to stop them? Yes... THAT'S where they lost me, right? Not anything before... but right there.

 

The story is pretty horrible... and not even the portion about the robots & monsters, all that I can go along with... but more the lead actor (guy from "Sons of Anarchy") and all the stereotype characters (borderline cartoon caricatures) that they force feed into the story... but honestly, it kinda makes up for it with all the amazing fight sequences (though kinda predictable & full of loopholes at the same time) so I wouldn't be surprised if this was nominated for an Academy Award for its visual effects, simply astounding... and even all the scenography is pretty amazing... but yeah, the acting is horrible. I'd still check it out if I were you. Drops in theatres next weekend. Again, it's basically a wet teenage nerd fantasy come to life... and having been one, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Spioler alert: YOU GET TO MIND MELT WITH A CUTE JAPANESE GIRL & A ROBOT!!! Also, the Japanese girl will keep secrets from you... like you had a sword the whole time... here's some news...

 

 

Thank You for Not Smoking - A new study finds that some anti-cigarette messages in public service announcements have an unintended result: They trigger viewers' desire to smoke. (Surprise!!! Though not at all really…) The findings were published in the most recent issue of Media Psychology. Certain "scenes portraying smoking objects or behaviors can be helpful by making antismoking PSAs more relevant and engaging the target audience,” write the study’s authors, Sungkyoung Lee, Ph.D., and Joseph N. Cappella, Ph.D., of the Center of Excellence in Cancer Communication Research, Annenberg School for Communication, University of Pennsylvania (yes, that was a lot of title to absorb, you may want to read it again to get it all). “However, inclusion of such images can [sometimes] distract viewers from processing audio and non-cue visuals, which are often the most important content audiences need to take away.” The key, the authors write, is whether the anti-smoking message is powerful enough to capture the viewer’s attention. In such cases, the images of smokers will reinforce the notion that cigarettes are harmful. But when the anti-smoking message is “weak,” these images can have the opposite effect. For instance, a PSA released in March 2012 by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that showed a former smoker adjusting to life with a tracheotomy was one of the most powerful television ads that year. Another memorable series of PSAs was released by the Canadian government in March, which compared smoking with “public farting.” “Such PSAs have shown to be effective in influencing the target audience’s awareness, knowledge and beliefs relating to smoking behavior, which in turn increase antismoking intention and behavior change,” write the study’s authors.

 

In weaker PSAs, the visual “cues” of individuals smoking will override the viewer’s ability to “encode and remember antismoking arguments," they add, as such cues play a pivotal role in the relapse behaviors of former substance abusers. Or, as Adweek puts it, the wrong kind of anti-drug ad will “make you want to take drugs.” The creative minds behind anti-smoking ads know that visual cues are key. The variable in the equation is just making sure that the message is strong enough to outweigh the potential trigger for a craving. The risk vs. reward scenario is said to be similar to using a joke or memorable sexy image to sell an unrelated product, like a car or clothing (or beer or booze or dry cleaning services or ANYTHING!!!). If the joke is too good, people will remember only the funny ad, not what the company is trying to sell (service dogs that bring beer?). “In theory, the core content of a message can be placed in either the audio or video channel, or both,” Lee and Cappella write in their study’s conclusion. “Our findings suggest that the audio channel is an efficient modality for delivering the core arguments of a message, especially when the arguments are strong.” I agree… especially since often times you’re not even looking at the TV & it’s playing in the background for example. Great job, guys! You’ve earned a B+ in Marketing 1010. It’s the same principle as when you go to the grocery store & they have the sign at checkout that says something like “Don’t Forget the Ice!” So what do you do? Immediately purchase ice so that you can pick it up on the way out. OF COURSE YOU DON’T!!! You forget it… or just don’t care. However, if you put it as “Ice for $1.99… or enjoy your warm soda (Coca-Cola if they wanna pay for the advertisement)!” with a picture of a cooler in the sun or something… then that’s more provoking to conjuring an image of tasting that ridiculously hot nasty Coca-Cola that’s been slow roasting in the sun at the beach or whatever. Besides, is it weird that just everybody talking about smoking being bad for you has made me more willing to accept the idea of smoking? It’s the same thing when somebody tells me about red meat being bad for me & comparing it to tofu or some crap like that… so I immediately half-vomit a little in my mouth with the thought of most health food… and then go to my happy place where I’ve got a beer in my right hand, girl in my lap, porterhouse on a plate in her ample bosom, fork in my left hand, knife in my other right hand & Cuban cigar in my other left hand. By the way, apparently in my happy place I have four arms, two wings, two legs & a tail with versatile attack capabilities. What’s my point? Oh yeah… gotta keep an eye on Big Tobacco. Now enjoy your smoking… and birth defects like…

  

TWO-RTUGA!!! - A two-headed turtle has hatched at the San Antonio Zoo and officials have named her… what for it… Thelma and Louise. The female Texas cooter (it’s a real thing, google it) arrived June 18^th and will go on display Thursday at the zoo's Friedrich Aquarium. Zoo spokeswoman Debbie Rios-Vanskike (van SKYKE') said Wednesday that the two-headed turtle appears healthy and is able to swim and walk. She says experts at the zoo don't foresee any health issues for Thelma and Louise, named for the female duo in the 1991 Oscar-winning road movie of the same name (oh I thought they were talking about “League of Their Own” for a minute). The San Antonio Zoo is no stranger to two-headed reptiles. The facility was home to a two-headed Texas rat snake named Janus from 1978 until the creature's death to 1995. Eh… I still like my name better. EL TWO-RTUGAAAAA!!! Coming to the Syfy channel next fall.

 

Baby Name Update – Nope… not even going to comment on Kanye & Kim Kardashian’s daughter North West on this one. It’s been done to death… and actually not too bad… but this is about something else. Two things actually – Narcissism (strong word but kinda true) & Crowd-sourcing. A Connecticut couple has named its baby with help from customers at a Starbucks coffee shop. Oh yes… it’s one of those stories. Twenty-five-year-old Jennifer James and 24-year-old Mark Dixon of West Haven told the New Haven Register they had been struggling between two names for the boy they are expecting in September, so they decided to put it to a vote. They placed signs at the Starbucks on the New Haven Green, where they are regulars, asking people to vote for either the name Jackson or Logan (ugh… really?). The couple said it got the idea for the voting based on a system used by that Starbucks location, where customers cast votes for the store's employee of the month. (Really? Not just the actual concept of voting?) "We saw that and thought we might as well see how it works," Dixon said. They received about 1,800 votes in the coffee cup serving as a ballot box. The couple said voters did not limit themselves to the two choices they were given (GASP!!!). "We've gotten Obama, Jebediah, Lincoln. Someone put (a) write-in, Webster," James said. James said that when she realized Dixon would sound similar to Jackson, she began pulling for the name Logan. "I don't know why I didn't realize the 'Jackson Dixon' thing, but I think once I realized that, he was going to be Logan no matter what," she said knowing full damn well that the ballot was pointless as she had the Vagina Veto firmly in (nature’s) pocket. The name Logan also was favored by the customers, but ultimately… because there are no losers in this day & age… both names won. The couple said it will name the baby Logan Jackson Dixon. What an amazingly pointless story!

 

My idea… which isn’t far off… and no, it’s not original… sell naming rights to your child. When & if some poor woman decides that she wants to bear my enormous bastard offspring (or whatever the situation may be) then I’m thinking… Kickstarter or some other crowd-sourcing type of site… where we put maybe four top choices, let’s say for a boy: Korbin, Konrad, Eugene & Barkevious. For a dollar donation, you can cast your vote for one of the top names. Conversely, if you think that you have a better idea, then for $5 you can cast a write-in vote. As the votes add up (God willing), you are setting up a nice little nest egg for our li’l bastard & making your voice heard like on American Idol. Let’s say 100,000 people cast their votes & it raises something like $250,000 (lots of write-ins). Then your new addition to the family, “Monkey Butt Love”, may be able to have a place to sleep, help with a down payment on a home, or maybe even a semester of art school if you want to put the whole thing on that. Not a bad idea, right?

 

But wait… there’s more. Let’s say that some multinational corporate conglomerate decides that they want your son’s future glory to be associated with their product. Well then, for the flat fee of $250,000 they decide to purchase the naming rights & then you have a beautiful son named “Golden Palace Love”. I know what you’re thinking… what about loop holes out of this situation. Maybe you don’t agree with the name. Be careful though… if there’s anything that previous story has taught us… it’s that Integrity in the vote is important. Act like a f**king p**sy & they may ask for their money back… or they just won’t donate in the first place.

 

There are loop holes that you can exercise. The aforementioned Vagina Veto may decide that she doesn’t want her first born child to be named “Monkey Butt Love” or “Golden Palace Love” or “Fast & Furious 9: Maximum Thrust Love” or something like that. She has to be on board for it… because it’s her baby, regardless of all that talk she uses to convince you that it’s your baby when bills have to be paid, don’t fool yourself or let her fool you, it’s hers. Period. Then along comes the idea of “Wait, we can just pretend that this random donor came in & paid the $250,000 naming rights… but it’s really us. We take out a home loan, filter it through the site with the lump sum payment & then use it towards the house.” I’m not sure what all the legal ramifications may be with a move like that… but either way, it’s chicken shit. Don’t do it. Man the f**k up. When you’re trying to get free money for doing something that people have done for thousands, maybe millions of years, then suck it up & roll with the decision. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet… even if the bud is named “Tebow for President Love”. Anyway, just a thought… somebody steal it & make millions like everybody else, okay? I’ve got my own ways of making money…

 

 

Bank Robbery Update – Speaking of families & trying to make money… The FBI says a Michigan man who recognized his mom in surveillance photos of a bank robbery called police to turn her in. I know, right? What a f**king narc! MLive.com reports the man told police his mother was at his home in Kent County's Byron Township. Authorities say 53-year-old Dee Ann Sanders of Martin was charged Tuesday with robbing a Bank of America branch on June 18^th. Her arraignment is scheduled Thursday in Grand Rapids. A teller says the robber handed her a note demanding $2,500 for her children and grandchildren. She got $1,092. Wait, stop right there… question time. So… she just handed over a note that said something like “Give me $2,500 for my kids & grandkids”? Did she even add pretty please or any kind of threat? They were just like “You know what… here, take this stack… and God bless you!”? Anyway, surveillance photos show a woman wearing a bright red T-shirt with a large American flag on the front. You know… low-profile stuff. FBI special agent Adam Van Deuren says Sanders confessed. It's unknown if she has a lawyer yet. Apparently she doesn’t have a phone listing. Though based on the information in this article, if I’m her lawyer, I’m questioning whether there was a crime committed. It sounds like she was just given money by a bank teller. Anyway, the real crime is the son dropping the dime on his mom. I mean… think about it. Would you rat on your mom? Especially if the only police description is something like “a human being, possibly female, mid-50’s, allegedly poor penmanship, Patriot”? Maybe there were circumstances were it was a little more specific than that… like she signed the note “Sincerely, Dee Ann Sanders” but still, would you do it? Don’t worry mom! Your interstate drug trafficking cartel is safe with me.

 

Was It All A Dream? – Picture this if you will… Sixty-nine-year-old Wladyslaw Haniszewski had lived in the U.S. for about 30 years. But when the New Jersey resident fell into a coma… he awoke to find himself in his native country of Poland. The New York Daily News reports that Haniszewski fell victim to a growing phenomenon in which uninsured immigrants are deported by U.S. hospitals that do not want to get stuck paying for their treatment. “Imagine being carted around like a sack of potatoes," said Polish Consul General Ewa Junczyk-Ziomecka, who argues that Haniszewski was placed on a chartered flight while still unconscious, never giving his consent to being shipped to a hospital in a country he had not lived in for decades. The practice of medical repatriation has reportedly become increasingly common. One immigration advocacy group told The Associated Press in April that it has documented at least 800 cases of individuals being deported from hospitals without consent over the past six years in at least 15 states. However, the actual number is believed to be much higher because of the significant number of cases that go unreported. "It really is a Catch-22 for us," Dr. Mark Purtle, vice president of Medical Affairs for Iowa Health System, said at the time. "This is the area that the federal government, the state, everybody says we're not paying for the undocumented." There is an ongoing debate over the legality and morality of medical repatriation. Under U.S. law, hospitals are required to gain patient consent, from either the individual directly or an immediate family member, before having the individual deported. The federal government is not directly involved in the cases and does not pay for the cost of deportation. In April, "Colbert Report" host the great Stephen Colbert weighed in on the controversy, saying sarcastically, "It's totally unregulated, so hospitals avoid all the red tape usually involved in shipping the unconscious." Haniszewski has reportedly fallen on hard times in recent years. Friends tell the Daily News that he recently lost his apartment and job, and was forced to relocate to a shelter. The Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick is defending its actions, saying it took the necessary precautions before placing Haniszewski on an outbound flight. “The individual was informed regarding his discharge plan and care,” said hospital spokesman Peter Haigney. “As the hospital's understanding of the facts differs from the published reports, we are conducting a thorough review of the procedures and communications surrounding this gentleman's care.” However, Junczyk-Ziomecka contests the theory that Haniszewski consented to the move or was even informed of the decision. After all, he was still in a coma when he arrived in Poland and even now is unable to verbally communicate with hospital staff. He’s also estranged from his two daughters, who live in Poland. "He can smile from time to time, but he is unable to communicate," Junczyk-Ziomecka told the Daily News. “It’s an incredibly disturbing case,” Lori Nessel, director of the Center for Social Justice at Seton Hall University School of Law, told the Daily News. “This kind of action seems clearly illegal and also not ethical, but it’s hard to bring a legal action.”

 

Yes… yes… very controversial topic this… medical repatriation. My stance: Let’s say, God forbid, I need to stay in the hospital… and I pay my taxes (and an ass-ton for medical that I don’t use often) like a good citizen… but I can’t get the attention that I need (or pay ten times as much as I should have to) because an elderly man estranged from his family is in a coma but I’m covering the charges? I’m gonna lean towards the side of deportation… er, repatriation. All expense paid trip to the homeland? Sh*t, I’d like to check out the Czech Republic when I’m young & healthy… why I gotta wait until I’m in a coma & considered a burden on society? Anyway, that’s really not the reason I brought up the story… it’s just the thought of let’s say that you’re in a car wreck or just randomly pass out or something, let’s say, RIGHT NOW while reading my boring ass blog. Then when you come to… you’re in the middle of some Polish hospital where all the nurses speak a language that you can’t understand, the smell of cabbage & feces waft through the air (okay, maybe not in a hospital) you get the idea. It would understandably freak you the f**k out. Was it all a dream? Where am I? When am I? Why can’t I move or talk? Anyway, I feel sorry for the guy… but unfortunately I just don’t want to pay for him to be in a vegetable. It may sound heartless & cruel but… apparently that’s just me. I’m not really Democratic or Republican or conservative or whatever… I’m just an asshole… who doesn’t want to work harder to get less. Don’t be mad. I’m only being real…

 

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. Next time, I've got a few horror flicks to review... and another Batman movie. Intrigued? Of course you are... have a great day everybody!!!

Dad's Visit to San Francisco

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let’s see, last week I watched “Scream 4” starring the lovely Neve Campbell, the awkward couple of Cox-Arquette… and a bunch of other young people who get brutally murdered but the only one that I recognize from anything is Hayden Penetierre from “Heroes” who will forever look fourteen years old. Sidney Prescott (Campbell) is on a book tour promoting her memoirs from overcoming the brutal attacks of the first three movies when her travels take her back home to Woodsboro, where it all began. Needless to say, people start dying… and it’s as if they’re trying to “reboot” the original murder spree for a new Ghostface Killer (not Ghostface Killah, WU TANG!!!). In typical Scream fashion, it’s a very good horror flick with social undertones to the whole remake / reboot craze of Hollywood as well as the ideas of celebrity via webcasts, Twitter, Facebook & other social media. If you pay attention, it’s fairly predictable… but if you’re looking for a good scream, check it out. The Scream movies are a LOT better than most horror flicks out there… usually because they make fun of some of the clichés & improve upon them… but still keep true to the genre… because let’s face it, what’s a horror flick without somebody running up the stairs… or turning on a f**king light switch?

Later on, I hung out with J-Mo and we watched “Horrible Bosses” starring Jason Bateman, Jason Sedaikis, Charlie Day, Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Jamie Foxx, Donald Sutherland & Colin Farrell in a comb-over. You’ve probably seen the previews about the three guys with three horrible bosses & they drunkenly decide that they should kill them… but they’re not professional killers… so they ask for help from a man called Mother F**ker Jones (Foxx). It’s actually pretty hilarious even though it didn’t shatter any box office records. Kevin Spacey plays a great a-hole boss, I wish there was more of Colin Farrell’s cokehead character but I’m sure there’ll be deleted scenes, & I WISH Jennifer Aniston would sexually harass me… but that’s another story. I would highly recommend checking this movie out for a few good laughs.

Friday night, I picked up my dad at the airport & began our male bonding weekend. We didn’t do much except split a 6-pack of Hornsby’s Crisp Apples and watch a little TV that night… but the next couple of days were pretty awesome.

Saturday, we started off by stopping by Safeway to stock up on adult beverages & snacks, then took the bus to Joe’s Crab Shack near Fisherman’s Wharf. The food was pretty good, we just had appetizers of crab stuffed mushrooms & crab nachos, with a pitcher of Hurricane. Now, my dad was a pretty big drinker in his heyday. Not really bragging or anything, just saying. Then thankfully about 7-8 years ago, he quit drinking (and it only took a pretty scary physical reaction to do it). So now, he’s kind of a lightweight like me… except I’m a little younger. He had never tried a Hurricane. Being damn near a New Orleans native, I love ‘em. He took a drink though & gave me a look. “What’s in this?” “It’s delicious right?” “Very… but what’s in it?” “Three kinds of rum, some orange juice, grenadine, and… I think triple sec. Been a while since I’ve made them myself.” “Wait, what? Three kinds of rum?” “Yup. Light, dark & Bacardi 151.” “What’s Bacardi 151?” “Well… it’s what turns a light drizzle into a Hurricane.” He liked ‘em… and they were great in the sunny cool weather that we had all weekend.

Saturday afternoon was the Utah-Cal college football game at AT&T Park. We got there a little early and had a few Stella Artois at a nearby grilled cheese establishment & then went to the game. Today’s Tip: If you’re expecting to get a few incredibly expensive beers at AT&T Park for a college football game, you’re going to be horribly disappointed. Apparently the stadium goes dry as a bone for them. Not a big concern, but just giving you some warning. The stadium was great. The seats were 2nd row at the 35 yard line right behind the U of U bench. You could smell the players if you wanted to. The game… well, the game was absolutely atrocious if you’re a U fan. They did manage to get a field goal in the 4th quarter before we left, but the Bears routed ‘em 34-10 and it really wasn’t even that close. We had a great time though because my dad & I are just that way… and we were sitting next to a large Samoan family whose relative was the nose tackle for the U & he was having a pretty good game of stopping the run… so every time he was in on a tackle, we all went ape sh*t!!! Great times. Then we took the bus home & my dad turned in early because… well, he’s over 50 now… and we had an “early morning” planned the next day.

Willie Mays... Hayes?

Watch out for my balls...

This is what 2nd row is like...

especially when there's technically no 1st row

Sunday morning was the Raiders-Chiefs game at Oakland Coliseum (O.co or Overstock.com is the official sponsor… but who cares really?). We loaded up Gretchen with plenty of booze… and a few chips… and headed to the coliseum. Along the way, we noticed that there were maybe 5 Chiefs fan in the entire place. We tailgated in the parking lot… and we apparently picked a pretty good spot right next to a wonderful Hispanic family making steak fajitas, a family from SoCal who had worked with my business a few times, and a girl that was smoking hot… with her boyfriend. We got a pretty good buzz going & got to know our neighbors… and before it was all done, they had offered us some fajitas with homemade salsa & guacamole in exchange for a few shots of Jose Cuervo Silver. SOLD!!! Again, the game was pretty horrible if you were rooting for the Raiders. The Chiefs weren’t doing necessarily great… but the quarterbacks threw 6 interceptions for two touchdowns to the other team. The Chiefs won 28-0 but we left as the 4th quarter was starting… because the game wasn’t going well, the sun was right in our face, and I’m pretty sure my dad was nodding off (possibly heat stroke) so I got him some water & drove him home. So much for a great start to the big Carson Palmer trade… but hey, he only had three days of practice to get ready from his retirement. Next game in two weeks should be better for him.

After we got back, my dad nodded off watching the Saints destroy the Colts on TV… so I went to my basketball game… with a bit of a buzz still going & left him to get some rest. The game was more of the same. I only missed one shot, but I had to create my own off my teammates horrible misses. We ended up only losing by 9 but we could’ve been a lot more competitive if they would just give me the ball once in a while. Whatever though, I’ll be on a company team before soon & we’ll have an actual strategy more than likely. After that, went home, dad was awake… for a while… and we watched the new “Robin Hood” movie starring Russell Crowe. It was pretty good, I guess. I enjoyed it. My dad’s doing fine. He woke up Monday morning with a little bit of a headache but wandered around the Presidio before I took him to the airport after work. We talked about how much fun we had & how much we missed each other… but yeah, it was a great weekend. It was great to spend some time with him.

About three minutes after dropping him off, I get a call from the softball team manager. “Are you coming tonight?” “We have a game tonight? I thought it was the bye week before the playoffs.” “Nope, we have a game starting in a few minutes & we need players.” “Shoot, I just dropped my dad off at Oakland Airport but I can probably be there in… 30-45 minutes. I’ll hurry. Do you have a spare glove?” I’ll spare you the details… but 18 minutes later, I was pulling into the parking lot of the softball field ready to go. Gretchen is an amazing machine. We were still shorthanded at 9 with four girls… but we played, fairly poorly… and ended up losing by one. So our undefeated season is over… but we’re still the top seed for the playoffs next week. Besides, we were shorthanded, caught by surprise & without our best players… and we still only lost a really close game with some controversial calls. Afterwards, we went out for a few drinks too. Now for some news…

Koalas: The Other Cute Bears – Sadly, Pandas aren’t the only cute bears that can’t seem to survive on their own. On Thursday, lawmakers said that special koala tunnels and tougher road speed limits would help avoid one of the leading causes of death of Australia's iconic marsupial. No-one knows how many koalas are left in the wild (experts estimate anywhere between 43,000 to 300,000, which is kind of like saying “Eh, they’re out there”) but the numbers are slowly falling and road deaths are the second biggest cause (I’m guessing behind… tree deaths? Underwater deaths?). An inquiry by the upper house Senate urged national and state government to take action to nurture the much-loved furry marsupial. "The committee is pleased that the koala may not yet be eligible for listing as threatened. The committee believes that to have such a significant Australian icon included on the threatened species list would be national shame," its acting chairman Doug Cameron said. It found that loss of habitat due to land clearing was the biggest risk to koalas, which live almost entirely on gum tree leaves. HA! So it WAS tree deaths! BOOYAH!!! Numbers have also been reduced by an AIDS-like virus which causes immune deficiency and cancer (Koal-AIDS?). In the north-eastern Queensland state, authorities reported more than 4,500 koalas were hit by cars over 12 years to 2009, prompting the state government to commit to "koala-friendly" designs for main road construction. Some areas of dense koala populations also have special koala-proof fences around major roads, and tunnels which allow the animals to cross safely underneath. The Senate inquiry recommended local governments introduce lower speed limits around known koala areas, install koala-proof fencing on major roads, and build more tunnels and bridges to allow koalas to cross roads safely. OR!!! Check this idea out… maybe if there was some kind of… I don’t know, above ground mains of transportation. Like… these interconnecting organisms that grow on their own… and koala can some move through these organisms with about the same ease as a tunnel under a major freeway. I’ve heard of something like this in what scientists call “forests” but I forget what they’re called. I’ll have to google it. So yeah… koalas need our help to become underground dwelling creatures apparently.

Cage Update – Speaking of “forests”, here’s a little ditty that I found interesting. There’s a movie being made soon that will be Scott Walker's directorial debut called “The Frozen Ground”. Based on true events, John Cusack plays respected Alaskan family man Robert Hansen who abducted more than 24 women… flew them into the Alaskan wilderness… and hunted and murdered them. Nice, right? And yes… I said John Cusack. Anyway, Nicolas Cage plays an Alaskan State Trooper who finds an escaped girl (Vanessa Hudgens) on the street. Together they work to bring Hansen to justice. Curtis Jackson (aka 50 Cent) just signed on to play a 1980s-era pimp which is a reportedly 'substantial role'. Jackson and Randall Emmett are producing and shooting begins October 17th in Anchorage, Alaska. So… yeah. Keep an eye out for that. And if John Cusack runs into you in a dark alley in Anchorage, be cautious. He’s a method actor.

Bank Robbery Update – Okay, even though it’s not officially a bank robbery… I had to mention it. In the world of animated TV, it's no stretch to say that good-natured Gumby is far down the list of characters that would commit armed robbery. But a man clad in a full-figured Gumby costume has made a botched attempt to rob a 7-Eleven store in California, and authorities are looking for the suspect, police said on Wednesday. It happened early on Monday when the man came into the San Diego store dressed as the green claymation figure, accompanied by an ordinarily dressed accomplice, San Diego Police spokesman Detective Gary Hassen said. The costumed man announced he was robbing the store, but the clerk thought it was a joke, according to police. Understandably so… but wait, it gets better. "Gumby said, 'You don't think it's a robbery? Let me show you my gun,'" Hassen said. The suspect then tried to reach into his Gumby outfit… but experienced a "costume malfunction" and could not fit his hand in a pocket. Instead of a gun, the costumed suspect pulled out 26 cents in change which he dropped on the floor. The accomplice, who had left the store and gotten into a minivan, honked at the man dressed as Gumby. He, too, walked out of the store without managing to take any money, police said. Both men left in the minivan. After their getaway, the store clerk was still not certain an attempted robbery had occurred and did not call police. That’s right. Nothing happened. The store manager, who arrived later that morning, reported the incident. Police were treating the episode, which was captured on surveillance video (come on… YouTube), as an attempted robbery and not a prank, Hassen said. I wonder if they originally tried to get the accomplice to dress up as Pokey… but he couldn’t drive the minivan in full regalia. Anyway, how do I rate this? D- all the way. Why not an F? Because they almost didn’t even get called on… and there’s probably a viral video that I expect to see on Tosh.0 before long.

Toe Suck Fairy - A man known in Arkansas as the "Toe Suck Fairy" for a series of 1990s assaults directed at women's feet was arrested after he struck again more than a decade later, police said. Michael Robert Wyatt, 50, was arrested on Monday after two women identified him from a photo line-up as "the man who approached them in local stores commenting on their feet and asking to suck their toes," said LaTresha Woodruff, spokeswoman for the Conway Police Department. How’s that for the direct approach? One of the women described the man as having "really messed up toes." Earlier in the month an 83-year-old woman told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached her. He took off one of her shoes and began sucking her toes, police said. Wow, not even an introduction? In the 1990s, Wyatt was convicted and even served time in prison for his obsession. “What’re you in for?” He had pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway, Arkansas, woman's toes at a clothing store. And, he was convicted in 1991 of making threats for telling a convenience store clerk that he wanted to cut off her feet and suck her toes while she bled to death. Okay… now it’s not just a creepy fetish. For that, he was sentence to four years in state prison, but served just over a year. In 1999, Wyatt was arrested again, police said, after asking a woman in a northwest Arkansas Walmart if she wanted him to amputate her feet and showing her pictures of women with no feet. Wyatt was picked up at his home in Vilonia, about 15 miles from Conway, where three incidents have been reported in the past few weeks. Conway is about 30 miles north of Little Rock. Well, at least they got him before it got SUPER creepy again. Poor people who can’t handle their craziness in constructive ways. Might I recommend a blog read by dozens across the worlds? Baker’s dozens?

Anyway, on that note, I’ll leave you be for the time being. Vegas is mere weeks away & I seriously can’t wait… and neither can Jackie D. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Even moreso than this past weekend. Have a great day everybody!!!

Slap It Up, Flip It, Rub It Down

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the roommate interviews went splendidly. We were slated for five on Wednesday, two actually showed up, both took about five minutes each tops, both were pretty easy-going chicks from what I could tell (not even time for nicknames really), and within a few hours of the interview… one of them started signing checks… and she’ll be moving in on Tuesday. How sweet is that? Now let’s just hope she’s not a secret creeper. I’m sure she’s fine though. I’ll let you know her nom de plume just as soon as I get one for her. Other than that, just been a busy week with work & a little working out, but still not as much as I should be. I could blame interviews… but it’s just me mostly, especially when the sun’s going down & I’ve been up since early. Oh well, the weekend should reinvigorate my sense of wonder. Sunday night… TECH N9NE!!! Stay tuned…

Earlier this week, I watched “The Next Three Days” starring Russell Crowe, Liam Neeson & Elizabeth Banks (and an eclectic ensemble cast that included Olivia Wilde, Brian Dennehy, the RZA & Daniel Stern among others). Okay, the story is about an apparently brilliant man (Crowe) whose wife (Banks, who is probably too pretty to ever really be considered a great actress, just saying) is arrested & convicted for murdering a coworker. The man spends his fortune trying to defend her, retrial, almost to the Supreme Court… to no avail. The evidence is staggering… but he believes she didn’t do it. So now… he’s convinced that he’s going to break her out of jail… and they’re going to run away to some far off country. He even asks an expert criminal (Neeson in a two minute scene) to find out how to do it & not get caught. Oh… and there’s a 9-year old son involved too. The premise may be a little on the edge of reason… but the movie itself is actually pretty good. It’s even fairly realistic… whereas the odds are REALLY stacked against you in trying to break somebody out of jail… and have enough money to get away & stay away undetected… and trusting people in an untrustworthy industry like forfeiting, robbing, stealing & prison. Go figure. So yeah… it’s pretty good. I would recommend it… but it’s going to take a little disbelief in a few spots.

A few days ago, I sat and watched a movie with Nurse again… and this time, it was “Easy A” starring Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes, Stanley Tucci, Thomas Haden Church & Lisa Kudrow. They say it’s a modern retelling of “The Scarlet Letter” but… it’s really just about rumors spreading like wildfire through high school and teenage drama mostly. There’s this girl that (inexplicably) nobody notices (Stone) who makes a little white lie to cover spending an entire weekend singing “Pocket Full of Sunshine” by saying that she went on a date… and her ditzy friend starts saying that she’s been banging this imaginary guy… and it goes from there. She starts being ridiculed by the stuck-up church girl (Bynes), and seeks advise from her favorite teacher (Church) but the lies just kind of go from there because she likes that people actually notice her… even if it’s because they think she’s a tramp. That being said though… it was actually pretty damn funny. I almost feel bad saying it given my usual stance on chick flicks AND teenage drama… but yeah, it was actually pretty funny on many levels… and I might even watch it again.

Later that night… it was time for “The Green Hornet” starring Seth Rogen & Christophe Waltz. Now, this movie has been gestating for a looooong time with Kevin Smith in & out as the writer / director… but that apparently wasn’t meant to be. Regardless, I really liked this movie… but obviously more for the comedy of Seth Rogen & the writers who brought you half of the good comedies since “40 Year Old Virgin” than the superhero storyline. Anyway, the story is about a young man (Rogen) who inherits a newspaper fortune… and basically, while drunk one night with his chauffeur / mechanic / barista Kato, they decide to become crime fighters… but by disguising themselves as criminals. Why? Because superheroes get their asses kicked. So with the help of his own newspaper giving this new mysterious “bad guy” press, the baddest guy in all of LA (Waltz) decides that he’s had enough of competition… and conspires to eliminate this Green Hornet... who honestly is causing more destruction than he's preventing... but hey, that's not for me to say. Okay, I’d recommend watching this movie… but basically only because it’s pretty hilarious… and some of the special effects are okay (not all). The director Michel Gondry is the guy who did “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” & “Science of Sleep” so it has it moments where you question it… but since it’s a big budget blockbuster they had plenty of guys making sure it made sense & if you’re a fan of Rogen’s dialogue… then you’ll like this movie. There’s even a cameo from James Franco, ladies. There. Now go see it. Here’s the news…

Children’s Book Update – As you know, I’ve been interested in the idea of making children’s books for some time… but have no artistic ability so the illustrations would be crudely drawn creatures (probably with humongous breasts) and I’d probably work a few phrases into the story just to picture the parents reading them the first time. “Wait… did I just say reach around while talking about Santa’s elves helping one another? That can’t be right.” Regardless, it’s refreshing to see that being borderline crazy (human) won’t play too much of a role, because I’m just like everybody else in the industry. A New York children's author who used a curse word in exasperation during a plane delay at a U.S. airport was ejected from the aircraft for disruptive behavior. Robert Sayegh, 37, said Atlantic Southeast Airlines overreacted to his salty language when it summoned police aboard to escort him off the Sunday evening flight at Detroit Metro Airport (there’s a reason right there… he was in Detroit). "The f-word is not a nice word to use," he acknowledged in a telephone interview, adding he was complaining to himself rather than snapping at anyone in particular. "I really didn't think I was being that loud." Sayegh, who is also a television producer, was catching a connecting flight home after attending a relative's wedding in Kansas City, Missouri. He was, by his own account, feeling tired. The plane was not taking off. The explanation that there was a problem with the overhead compartments did little to soothe his irritation, he said. And so, to no one in particular, he wondered aloud, using coarse language, what was taking so long. "I said the f-word," Sayegh said. Perhaps, he recalled, he said it twice. A flight attendant seated near Sayegh took offense. Soon he was being led off the plane by police. "I didn't direct it at him," Sayegh said, referring to the flight attendant. "The only reason he heard me was he was sitting in his seat behind me." Atlantic Southeast Airlines said in a statement that it was investigating the incident aboard Flight 5136, and declined to offer further details. The airline confirmed that a passenger was removed and then booked onto another flight back to New York a couple of hours later. "We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused," the airline statement said. Typical response. Sayegh apologized for offending anyone with his language. "I asked the people around me if I was being rude and they said 'No.' If I was this loud disruptive passenger then I'm sure everyone would have been aware of it." Sayegh said he would complain to the airline. "The ironic part is I'm putting a children's book out in August so this wasn't the kind of press I was looking for," he added, saying there are no obscenities in the book. I’ll admit it. I’ve used the f-word more than thrice on a flight… and those are ones without delays. “I’m just saying the city that I’m going to in Thailand. What’s the big f**king deal?” “It’s pronounced pu-ket.” “Then why is it spelled Phuket???” Anyway, that’s a future discussion. He must have REALLY offended somebody on that flight… but hey, he’ll get compensated with a free flight or something… and a little publicity for his book.

Bank Robbing Update – I should seriously make a monthly magazine about bank robbing or something. I still think it would be an interesting idea… but the subscription membership would be… questionable at best. Probably big on the militia crowd. Anyway, a woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday. Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build." Satur said a woman, who was wearing a train conductor's cap and a gray sweat shirt, walked into a Wells Fargo bank inside a Safeway grocery store on Thursday night and handed a note to a teller. "She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," Satur said. The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, Satur said. Police and the FBI released still photographs of the robbery and are reviewing additional photographs and surveillance video from the bank's parking lot to try and identify the suspect. She is described as about 5-feet 6 inches tall, and weighing between 130 and 150 pounds. No weapon was displayed during the robbery and no one was injured, police said. So to recap… a frail looking grandma type threatened the bank teller to give them a disease if they didn’t hand over the cash. I know banks are insured… but that’s kind of like threatening to exist. I’m not one for confrontation… but if an old lady threatens my life at my place of work, she is making a horrible life choice at that point, especially if there’s a blunt object anywhere within arm’s length & I don’t think she’s spry enough to defend herself. Okay, honestly I would’ve just given her the money too… but only because it was insured. If it were my pocket, first off, I could outrun her. Secondly, I could taze her if I didn’t want to worry about the blood splatter from my foot breaking off in her backside. Thirdly, she’s an old lady, she’s already ripe with disease. She’s probably robbing a bank just to pay for medication anyway (thank you corporate America). So my grade for this robbery – C+. Why? It worked for the moment… nobody got hurt… and the money probably went for a good cause. However, in the wrong set of circumstances, she could’ve been put down by just about anybody in the place who wanted to be a hero. Just saying…

Tarantino Update - Darren Aronofsky is reportedly in talks with Christian Bale about possibly starring in his $130 million take on "Noah's Ark" reports Vulture. The locking down of Bale would help secure studio backing for the project assuming Aronofsky wants Bale for the lead. At present a trio of studios (Paramount, Summit, and Fox) considering co-financing the movie with New Regency where it is set up. However, this isn’t a Bale Update… this is a Tarantino Update, so why do I even mention it. I thought it was interesting. A Noah’s Ark movie? Okay. Meanwhile Showbiz 411 reports that Jamie Foxx (“Ray”, “Miami Vice” & “Booty Call”) may be joining Quentin Tarantino‘s “Django Unchained” in the titular role. There is also a rumor that Leonardo DiCaprio is also "definitely signed" according to the report. For those who don’t know, this is Tarantino’s Western film that he’s been talking about for YEARS, more like decades. Oh… and for you naysayers thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio can’t do a Western… go check out “The Quick & the Dead” and get back to me. That was twenty years ago. He’s damn near an Eastwood by now. And Jamie Foxx can definitely be a black sheriff a la Blazing Saddles… or whatever part he may be. I’m excited. Too bad it’ll probably be another 2-3 years before we get to see the end product. Damn Tarantino for being a perfectionist!!! Oh well, it should be worth the wait.

That’ll do it for this evening. Got some shopping to do for birthdays & Father’s Day tomorrow and then TECH N9NE Sunday night with Bubbles. It should be fun… plus plenty of sunshine from what I’m told. Thursday, I leave for Utah for the weekend & Spitso’s wedding. Should make for a good time… as 4th of July is after that. Fun fun fun!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!