Midyear Review

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

The weekend was pretty good… Dizzy & I basically watched a bunch of movies, walked a little bit (but it was pretty warm & muggy so not too much), relaxed & played video games, you know… fun stuff. We also discussed the idea of home brewing… so keep an eye out for a special Bacon Day celebration one of these days with homebrewed awesomeness… but don’t worry, it’ll be a few months down the road at least. We have to do a few test batches to make sure we’re not giving you Old Milwaukee or something.

 

Also, in case you didn’t know, it’s July 1^st, so it’s time for a little midyear review of my Resolutions:

 

• Date Dammit! – I’m not sure if Dizzy would approve of me dating more… she might get jealous
• Learn a Language – Not really…
• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I went to the batting cages last week, but still drinking Mountain Dew. I may just have to give that up cold turkey & switch to water whenever I’m thirsty, still not too bad though, just could be healthier…
• Use My Passport – Still nothing international planned just yet but going to Utah in less than three weeks, Oregon for a week in about a month, and Jackie D & C-Real are talking about the Maldives next year. How’s that for exotic?
• Write a Children’s Book – I basically have the first 15 issues of our comic written & storyboarded, so now we just have to focus on getting the first few issues officially made & start selling to our demographic
• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – Doing pretty good, but every day is a struggle. The main point of friction is where this idea crosses paths with “Don’t Let Triflin’ B**ches take advantage of you” so I keep it all in perspective… yet at the same time keeps it real…
• Look for the Next Step – I’m gonna sell my shares in the Brooklyn Nets & become a sports agent
• Survive the Apocalypse – So far so good… and I’m watching plenty of survival shows & watching disaster movies, which is important when you live at ground zero for all of them. “It all started when (insert threat to humanity) first appeared in San Francisco…” Speaking of movies, here are a few reviews from the weekend…

 

Saturday night, Dizzy, J-Mo, B&D and I went to see a special preview screening of “The Conjuring” starring Patrick Wilson (“Insidious” & “Watchmen”), Vera Farmiga (“The Departed”), Lily Taylor (“House on Haunted Hill”) & Ron Livingston (“Office Space”) from director James Wan. This movie is based on the real life accounts of Ed & Lorraine Warren, who were basically legends of the paranormal back in the 60’s & 70’s… and for all intensive purposes, it’s your standard plot for an exorcism/haunted house movie. A family gets a great deal on a house with plenty of acreage in Rhode Island, they move in, weird stuff starts happening, then sh*t gets real dangerous & they call in the Ghostbusters… or you know, paranormal experts (Wilson & Farmiga). However, what can set a movie like that apart from the others in the genre is the visual components, how the story unfolds, character development, acting, whether they have to resort to gore to get a reaction from the audience, and basically keeping the audience captivated & intrigued in the story on the screen… instead of snickering about how bad the CGI is or rolling your eyes like “Nobody’s going to walk into that dark ass room without a weapon on them!” Okay, so there are a few moments of that last one, but much like “Insidious” and a few other good horror flicks over the past few years, “The Conjuring” does a good job in developing the characters, keeping the story realistic, staying away from flashbacks & CGI, and basically it’s just a great horror flick. I’d definitely watch it again to see if I get the same reactions that I did in a theatre. You know, sometimes the sound system is what startles you instead of what’s going on the screen. Anyway, I’d say check it out.

 

Later that night, Dizzy & I watched another newer horror flick called “Mama” starring Jessica Chastain (“Zero Dark Thirty”) & Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister from “Game of Thrones”). You might recall the preview… it’s about the two young girls who were found after living in the woods alone miraculously for five years, basically making them feral children. Well, they’re found & their fairly wealthy uncle (Waldau) who has been searching for them for years, and his hot bass player girlfriend (Chastain) take them in & try to get them assimilated with the world. However, they soon find out that maybe their survival in the woods wasn’t miraculous… and they may have had someone watching over them… who wants them back. I’ll leave it at that for the story… but this movie was actually really well done with regards to how things were revealed, even character development was decent. Some characters you don’t particularly care for… but that’s how life is. Basically it was really good for the first hour or so… and then the last 20-30 minutes, it just kind of takes a turn for the worst. The story kind of falls apart. That being said, check out the preview, if it intrigues you, check it out… but just be warned that the ending may be disappointing.

 

 

Now for some light hearted fair, Dizzy & I watched “Lego: The Batman Movie” because we’re grown ups… and Batman is awesome… and Superman is in it as well… and spoiler alert, a lot of other DC comic book characters. The story starts with… look, let’s face it… does it really matter what the story is? It’s Batman… with Legos… and Superman… and Joker cracking wise… and it’s basically a sweet kid’s show. Have you played the Lego video games? It’s basically like those animation scenes but with a little better quality, actual voices & set in the DC Comic Universe for about 75 minutes. We really liked it, but it’s not going to win any awards. Kids should like it… adults might like it in the background… go ahead & check it out.

 

Next up was “Butterfly” starring Stacy Keach, Pia Zadora, Orson Welles… and brief cameos from June Lockhart & Ed McMahon (without his glasses). Now, from what I saw on IMDB, the director Matt Cimber basically made some exploitation films in the 60’s & 70’s so by 1982 he kinda had a theme set. Go ahead & check out his “body” of work… I’m already intrigued by the poster for one with Jayne Mansfield in 1966. (Shiver…) Anyway, this story is based on a novel… and is about a sexually open woman (Zadora) who meets up with her estranged father (Keach) who is the caretaker of an abandoned silver mine. Basically from there, it’s a fairly twisted tale of betrayal, incest, honor, morality… and frankly it gets a little out there. Now, one of the intriguing things about this movie… was that star Pia Zadora won both a Golden Globe AND a Razzie for her performance in this movie (the GG was bought & paid for I’m sure). She’s not the worst actress I’ve ever seen but… maybe the bottom ten… but she was hot so it’s okay. Stacy Keach does a decent job… given the role of being torn between banging his daughter, stealing silver to pay for her baby born out of wedlock/grandson, keeping his hussy daughter/love interest out of the whoring business, etc. However, I think my favorite role in this movie… was Orson Welles as the Judge. This was of course 80’s Orson Welles that you may remember from TV commercials, voice of Unicron in the “Transformers” cartoon movie & basically just waiting to die… but he shows up for at least two days of shooting for this movie… and during the final courtroom scenes when all the crazy sh*t comes to a head… you can just see it in his eyes that he doesn’t give two sh*ts about what he’s doing & no matter how crazy the plot holes are… you kind of just go, “Okay… I guess that’s the movie.” Roll credits. Would I recommend it? I’m making a list of movies that I want to do hilarious commentaries with some of my friends to get their reactions… and this made the list because it’s just so bad, weird, twisted, etc. Other than that, I wouldn’t waste the time.

 

New roommates coming in over the next few days, it’s a little awkward this first week but should be interesting to say the least. No NBA 2K13 update this time due to lack of playing time but now my brother wants me to play “Saint’s Row” with him as well. Apparently it’s like “Grand Theft Auto” but crazier… or something. Do you think he realizes that I’ve probably put in about four hours of playing time with GTA4 since I bought it four years ago? I’ll have to check it out though. Have a great 4^th of July everybody!!! ‘MERICA!!!

I Am An Athelete

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yes, I am... an athelete. Why the extra e? Because spell check is for people that can't pull off being bad spellers. In the last 24 hours, I have been asked to join two recreation basketball leagues AND the company softball team. Why? Because of my amazing physical prowess? Because of my incredible charm & charisma that'll put lady's asses in the seats? Because they saw demonstrations of my staggering athletic skills? Nope... I played horribly at some pickup games at the YMCA and they still asked me... probably because I'm tall. Oh, and the softball thing, apparently they heard that I was on the company softball team last summer in Tahoe. You remember how that turned out, right? We won our first and last games... and by the end of the season I wasn't completely horrible. This one will actually be coed (then again, last year's was supposed to be coed kickball... but that didn't go as planned). Whatever, I am an athelete... so I will play. Now I just have to find out which basketball league is better for my schedule.

Other than that, not a whole lot going on other than working myself into a stupor during the day... and then watching a few movies at night trying to unwind. Hell, I just realized that other night that I hadn't even mentioned Basketball's Christmas a few weeks back while I was in Utah. I'm surprised that you haven't demanded my foolproof analysis of this year's NBA draft picks... but then again, with the lockout, the season may be shortened anyway... and I've admitted that I haven't really watched any college or professional basketball this season... but I figure it's a sign that the first pick of this year's draft and my niece share a name (both pronounced Ky-Ree). That's right. There was actually a LOT of sexually flexible names in the first 15 or so picks of the draft... but I'll save that for another day.

The other day, I was finally able to watch a movie that was recommended to me by The Mad Scientist (remember him?) a while back... but it finally came to Netflix. It was "Things to Do In Denver When You're Dead" starring Andy Garcia, Christopher Walken, Gabrielle Anwar, Treat Williams & Steve Buscemi. As you can tell from the title, it was recommend to me back when I was living in Denver over two years ago... but basically it's the story of Jimmy the Saint (Garcia) who is living in Denver... but like most former gangsters who try to make a decent living... he gets pulled back into the game... and has to do one last job to nullify his debts. So he gets the team back together... and I don't want to give too much away... but things don't go according to plan. Anyway, I highly recommend this movie if you're into gangster movies. Heck, this one might have even cracked my Movie List for that genre. Great ensemble cast... with the likes of Jack Warden, William Forsythe, and others. Go check it out.

Next up was "The Beach" starring Leonardo DiCaprio and from director Danny Boyle ("Trainspotting", "Slumdog Millionairre" & "127 Hours"). Now... I thought that I had watched this movie before... but then again, all I could remember was the preview with the hot French chick & I thought pirates were involved or something... so maybe I didn't. Anyway, it's about this guy (DiCaprio) who goes to Thailand to find adventure (great place to do it) but not be a tourist, be an adventurer or something. Well, he meets this guy (Robert Carlyle) who tells him about this perfect island with a perfect beach and perfect everything... and even gives him a map, telling him that it's super secret. He then meets this French couple... and they decide to go check it out & see if it really exists. Well, it does... but they're super secretive as I mentioned... and Leo's character is a bit of a douche... like in every situation... and there are Thai drug farmers involved on the island... and you might want to check it out... but it's not the greatest movie ever made. There's one part where Leo kind of freaks out a bit... and I for some reason was totally thinking about Ben Stiller in "Tropic Thunder" wearing a panda on his head. Yeah, it's like that... but trying to be serious.

Last up is "A Wrinkle In Time", which as I've mentioned before... was basically my favorite book growing up as a kid (you know, back when I read books). They made a TV movie about it a few years back starring Alfre Woodard & Katie Stuart... so I thought that I'd check it out. Well, it's pretty much just like the book (except there were a few things that I must've forgot... but it's been about 20 years since I've read it). There's Mag (Stuart) who is just a young teenage girl with twin brothers and another named Charles Wallace. Their father mysteriously disappeared about a year earlier... and then a magical adventure presents itself when Mrs. Who, Mrs. Which & Mrs. Whatsit flutter by & tell them of Tesseracts & IT and the story just kind of goes from there. For a TV movie, it wasn't that bad... and I'd definitely recommend watching it with kids if you have them. I had my roommates... but luckily, they all loved the book as kids too... so good times by all.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. I'd better brush up on my basketball knowledge so that I can drop bombs on you... in case they decide to have a season. Sigh... damn football & basketball... why can't you all just enjoy the money you've got? Here's an idea... instead of fighting over the profits, why don't you just lower the mother f**king ticket prices? SOLD!!! Anyway, I'll be back at my 9-5+ hourly wage job in the morning. Have a great night everybody!!!

Slap It Up, Flip It, Rub It Down

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the roommate interviews went splendidly. We were slated for five on Wednesday, two actually showed up, both took about five minutes each tops, both were pretty easy-going chicks from what I could tell (not even time for nicknames really), and within a few hours of the interview… one of them started signing checks… and she’ll be moving in on Tuesday. How sweet is that? Now let’s just hope she’s not a secret creeper. I’m sure she’s fine though. I’ll let you know her nom de plume just as soon as I get one for her. Other than that, just been a busy week with work & a little working out, but still not as much as I should be. I could blame interviews… but it’s just me mostly, especially when the sun’s going down & I’ve been up since early. Oh well, the weekend should reinvigorate my sense of wonder. Sunday night… TECH N9NE!!! Stay tuned…

Earlier this week, I watched “The Next Three Days” starring Russell Crowe, Liam Neeson & Elizabeth Banks (and an eclectic ensemble cast that included Olivia Wilde, Brian Dennehy, the RZA & Daniel Stern among others). Okay, the story is about an apparently brilliant man (Crowe) whose wife (Banks, who is probably too pretty to ever really be considered a great actress, just saying) is arrested & convicted for murdering a coworker. The man spends his fortune trying to defend her, retrial, almost to the Supreme Court… to no avail. The evidence is staggering… but he believes she didn’t do it. So now… he’s convinced that he’s going to break her out of jail… and they’re going to run away to some far off country. He even asks an expert criminal (Neeson in a two minute scene) to find out how to do it & not get caught. Oh… and there’s a 9-year old son involved too. The premise may be a little on the edge of reason… but the movie itself is actually pretty good. It’s even fairly realistic… whereas the odds are REALLY stacked against you in trying to break somebody out of jail… and have enough money to get away & stay away undetected… and trusting people in an untrustworthy industry like forfeiting, robbing, stealing & prison. Go figure. So yeah… it’s pretty good. I would recommend it… but it’s going to take a little disbelief in a few spots.

A few days ago, I sat and watched a movie with Nurse again… and this time, it was “Easy A” starring Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes, Stanley Tucci, Thomas Haden Church & Lisa Kudrow. They say it’s a modern retelling of “The Scarlet Letter” but… it’s really just about rumors spreading like wildfire through high school and teenage drama mostly. There’s this girl that (inexplicably) nobody notices (Stone) who makes a little white lie to cover spending an entire weekend singing “Pocket Full of Sunshine” by saying that she went on a date… and her ditzy friend starts saying that she’s been banging this imaginary guy… and it goes from there. She starts being ridiculed by the stuck-up church girl (Bynes), and seeks advise from her favorite teacher (Church) but the lies just kind of go from there because she likes that people actually notice her… even if it’s because they think she’s a tramp. That being said though… it was actually pretty damn funny. I almost feel bad saying it given my usual stance on chick flicks AND teenage drama… but yeah, it was actually pretty funny on many levels… and I might even watch it again.

Later that night… it was time for “The Green Hornet” starring Seth Rogen & Christophe Waltz. Now, this movie has been gestating for a looooong time with Kevin Smith in & out as the writer / director… but that apparently wasn’t meant to be. Regardless, I really liked this movie… but obviously more for the comedy of Seth Rogen & the writers who brought you half of the good comedies since “40 Year Old Virgin” than the superhero storyline. Anyway, the story is about a young man (Rogen) who inherits a newspaper fortune… and basically, while drunk one night with his chauffeur / mechanic / barista Kato, they decide to become crime fighters… but by disguising themselves as criminals. Why? Because superheroes get their asses kicked. So with the help of his own newspaper giving this new mysterious “bad guy” press, the baddest guy in all of LA (Waltz) decides that he’s had enough of competition… and conspires to eliminate this Green Hornet... who honestly is causing more destruction than he's preventing... but hey, that's not for me to say. Okay, I’d recommend watching this movie… but basically only because it’s pretty hilarious… and some of the special effects are okay (not all). The director Michel Gondry is the guy who did “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” & “Science of Sleep” so it has it moments where you question it… but since it’s a big budget blockbuster they had plenty of guys making sure it made sense & if you’re a fan of Rogen’s dialogue… then you’ll like this movie. There’s even a cameo from James Franco, ladies. There. Now go see it. Here’s the news…

Children’s Book Update – As you know, I’ve been interested in the idea of making children’s books for some time… but have no artistic ability so the illustrations would be crudely drawn creatures (probably with humongous breasts) and I’d probably work a few phrases into the story just to picture the parents reading them the first time. “Wait… did I just say reach around while talking about Santa’s elves helping one another? That can’t be right.” Regardless, it’s refreshing to see that being borderline crazy (human) won’t play too much of a role, because I’m just like everybody else in the industry. A New York children's author who used a curse word in exasperation during a plane delay at a U.S. airport was ejected from the aircraft for disruptive behavior. Robert Sayegh, 37, said Atlantic Southeast Airlines overreacted to his salty language when it summoned police aboard to escort him off the Sunday evening flight at Detroit Metro Airport (there’s a reason right there… he was in Detroit). "The f-word is not a nice word to use," he acknowledged in a telephone interview, adding he was complaining to himself rather than snapping at anyone in particular. "I really didn't think I was being that loud." Sayegh, who is also a television producer, was catching a connecting flight home after attending a relative's wedding in Kansas City, Missouri. He was, by his own account, feeling tired. The plane was not taking off. The explanation that there was a problem with the overhead compartments did little to soothe his irritation, he said. And so, to no one in particular, he wondered aloud, using coarse language, what was taking so long. "I said the f-word," Sayegh said. Perhaps, he recalled, he said it twice. A flight attendant seated near Sayegh took offense. Soon he was being led off the plane by police. "I didn't direct it at him," Sayegh said, referring to the flight attendant. "The only reason he heard me was he was sitting in his seat behind me." Atlantic Southeast Airlines said in a statement that it was investigating the incident aboard Flight 5136, and declined to offer further details. The airline confirmed that a passenger was removed and then booked onto another flight back to New York a couple of hours later. "We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused," the airline statement said. Typical response. Sayegh apologized for offending anyone with his language. "I asked the people around me if I was being rude and they said 'No.' If I was this loud disruptive passenger then I'm sure everyone would have been aware of it." Sayegh said he would complain to the airline. "The ironic part is I'm putting a children's book out in August so this wasn't the kind of press I was looking for," he added, saying there are no obscenities in the book. I’ll admit it. I’ve used the f-word more than thrice on a flight… and those are ones without delays. “I’m just saying the city that I’m going to in Thailand. What’s the big f**king deal?” “It’s pronounced pu-ket.” “Then why is it spelled Phuket???” Anyway, that’s a future discussion. He must have REALLY offended somebody on that flight… but hey, he’ll get compensated with a free flight or something… and a little publicity for his book.

Bank Robbing Update – I should seriously make a monthly magazine about bank robbing or something. I still think it would be an interesting idea… but the subscription membership would be… questionable at best. Probably big on the militia crowd. Anyway, a woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday. Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build." Satur said a woman, who was wearing a train conductor's cap and a gray sweat shirt, walked into a Wells Fargo bank inside a Safeway grocery store on Thursday night and handed a note to a teller. "She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," Satur said. The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, Satur said. Police and the FBI released still photographs of the robbery and are reviewing additional photographs and surveillance video from the bank's parking lot to try and identify the suspect. She is described as about 5-feet 6 inches tall, and weighing between 130 and 150 pounds. No weapon was displayed during the robbery and no one was injured, police said. So to recap… a frail looking grandma type threatened the bank teller to give them a disease if they didn’t hand over the cash. I know banks are insured… but that’s kind of like threatening to exist. I’m not one for confrontation… but if an old lady threatens my life at my place of work, she is making a horrible life choice at that point, especially if there’s a blunt object anywhere within arm’s length & I don’t think she’s spry enough to defend herself. Okay, honestly I would’ve just given her the money too… but only because it was insured. If it were my pocket, first off, I could outrun her. Secondly, I could taze her if I didn’t want to worry about the blood splatter from my foot breaking off in her backside. Thirdly, she’s an old lady, she’s already ripe with disease. She’s probably robbing a bank just to pay for medication anyway (thank you corporate America). So my grade for this robbery – C+. Why? It worked for the moment… nobody got hurt… and the money probably went for a good cause. However, in the wrong set of circumstances, she could’ve been put down by just about anybody in the place who wanted to be a hero. Just saying…

Tarantino Update - Darren Aronofsky is reportedly in talks with Christian Bale about possibly starring in his $130 million take on "Noah's Ark" reports Vulture. The locking down of Bale would help secure studio backing for the project assuming Aronofsky wants Bale for the lead. At present a trio of studios (Paramount, Summit, and Fox) considering co-financing the movie with New Regency where it is set up. However, this isn’t a Bale Update… this is a Tarantino Update, so why do I even mention it. I thought it was interesting. A Noah’s Ark movie? Okay. Meanwhile Showbiz 411 reports that Jamie Foxx (“Ray”, “Miami Vice” & “Booty Call”) may be joining Quentin Tarantino‘s “Django Unchained” in the titular role. There is also a rumor that Leonardo DiCaprio is also "definitely signed" according to the report. For those who don’t know, this is Tarantino’s Western film that he’s been talking about for YEARS, more like decades. Oh… and for you naysayers thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio can’t do a Western… go check out “The Quick & the Dead” and get back to me. That was twenty years ago. He’s damn near an Eastwood by now. And Jamie Foxx can definitely be a black sheriff a la Blazing Saddles… or whatever part he may be. I’m excited. Too bad it’ll probably be another 2-3 years before we get to see the end product. Damn Tarantino for being a perfectionist!!! Oh well, it should be worth the wait.

That’ll do it for this evening. Got some shopping to do for birthdays & Father’s Day tomorrow and then TECH N9NE Sunday night with Bubbles. It should be fun… plus plenty of sunshine from what I’m told. Thursday, I leave for Utah for the weekend & Spitso’s wedding. Should make for a good time… as 4th of July is after that. Fun fun fun!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

There Will Be Emancipation

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Still no real update on the job situation in San Francisco… but thanks to my “inside man” I know a few reasons for the delay. No worries. I’m confident that I’ll be hearing from them in the near future… and that they will insist on me being a part of their team. Then, there will probably be a lengthy transitional phase where I train my replacement(s) here in Tahoe, in the middle of our busiest time of year, then check out apartments in San Francisco, while learning the fine points of the new job (though pretty much the same) and meeting all the new people, then packing up all my stuff & moving. So yeah… it’s gonna be a busy time once it gets started so… not too worried about all of it. Besides, Bubbles is coming up for the weekend!!! Happy days… and here’s the news…

Eight-Digit Book - To some (like myself) it's just a bunch of bird pictures. To others, John James Audubon's "Birds of America" is a rare blend of art, natural history and craftsmanship, unique enough to sell for more than $10 million at a London auction Tuesday — making it the world's most expensive printed book. Yes, you read correctly. TEN MILLION DOLLARS for a bird-watching book. Some of the world's wealthiest book collectors had been anticipating the auction for months: it represents a chance to own one of the best preserved editions of Aubudon's 19th Century masterpiece, with its 435 hand-colored illustrations. The book sold for 6,500,000 pounds ($10,270,000) at a Sotheby's auction to an anonymous collector bidding by telephone (Batman?), the auction house said. While the Audubon volume holds the record for a printed book, a 72-page notebook of Leonardo da Vinci's handwritten notes and illustrations went for even more. Known as the Leicester Codex, the collection was bought by Bill Gates in 1994 for $31 million (and he’s been using the technological secrets within ever since, since DaVinci invented X Box). Each individual picture in "Birds of America" is so valuable there have been some fears the volume could be broken up and sold as 435 separate works of art. Experts believe that unlikely: the tome is probably more valuable intact. And collectors hold Audubon in such reverence that the notion of ripping apart a perfect copy would be akin to sacrilege. "Audubon's Birds holds a special place in the rare book market for several reasons," said Heather O'Donnell, a specialist with Bauman Rare Books in New York. "The book is a major original contribution to the study of natural history in the New World. "It's also one of the most visually stunning books in the history of print: The scale of the images, the originality of each composition, the brilliance of the hand coloring." Then there's the wow factor. "No one can rival John James Audubon for frontier glamour. The story of his lonely journey through the American wilderness and his struggle to record what he saw there gives the Birds a resonance that no other book can match." Audubon was part naturalist, part artist, and possessed a rare, almost unequaled ability to observe, catalog and paint the birds he observed in the wild. Experts say his book, originally published in 1827, is unmatched in its beauty and also of considerable scientific value, (allegedly) justifying its stratospheric cost. Pom Harrington, owner of the Peter Harrington rare book firm in London, said it has been 10 years since the last complete edition of "Birds of America," with all of the illustrations, has been auctioned — and that was sold for $8.8 million by Christie's auction house, a record for a printed book at auction. He said it is unusual to find a copy not in a museum or academic institution. "If you want to buy an example of a rare work of art, this is one of the best," he said. "It is valuable in its artistic nature because it is so well drawn." He said other historic books — like an excellent example of a Gutenberg Bible — would likely be valued even higher if they came up for sale. Harrington estimated that a complete Gutenberg Bible in good condition would probably sell for between $30 million and $50 million, but none has been sold in more than 30 years. In recent years, he said, a complete First Folio of Shakespeare's works sold at auction for about $5.6 million while a Chaucer collection sold for more than $4 million. "That's getting close to Audubon," he said. Close, but no cigar: the complete Audubon book is more rare than the Shakespeare folio — and much more beautiful to look at, even if Shakespeare is more famous. A Shakespeare First Folio from 1623 is also being auctioned with the Audubon book Tuesday evening. It is likely to be sold for more than $1.5 million. Sotheby's books expert David Goldthorpe said the Aubudon and Shakespeare volumes represent "the twin peaks of book collecting." The books come from the estate of the 2nd Baron Hesketh, an aristocratic book collector who died in 1955. The "Birds of America" plates were printed in black and white and hand-colored afterward. That made the production process extremely expensive, especially, Harrington said, since it was carried out by "the best artists of the time." (Slaves?) The collection, made from engravings of Audubon's watercolors, measures more than 3 feet by 2 feet (90 centimeters by 60 centimeters) because Audubon wanted to paint the birds life size. The size of the illustrations makes them extremely valuable as standalone piece of arts, which makes the complete edition vulnerable to being broken up so the individual prints can be sold one-by-one. Harrington said that the wild turkey that is depicted in the first big plate of the book can be sold for $200,000. But Mark Ghahramani, a rare book specialist at Classic Bindings in London, said it is unlikely the "Birds of America" will be divided up for resale because it is probably more valuable intact. "There are very few copies left of the entire book, so I would think that whoever bought it at the auction would be quite interested in keeping it whole," he said. "Anything to do with American natural history is quite valuable." Audubon, who died in 1851, represents a unique figure in American history, a renaissance man with shades of Huckleberry Finn — like Mark Twain's fictional character, Audubon made an epic voyage down the mighty Mississippi — but with a scientist's inquisitive nature. He made his trip, after his dry-goods business failed, with only a rifle, an assistant, and a drawing pad, making illustrations of as many birds as he could find. He did not find a printer in the United States willing to take on the book, with its oversize illustrations, so he sailed to England, eventually finding printers in Edinburgh, Scotland, and in London. The volume is seen as a vital piece of American history, Harrington said. "It is the most important natural history book for America," he said. "That is the main point. It screams Americana. For an American patriot, it is the greatest book on American heritage — there is no competition." So there you go. Somebody paid over $10 million for a book that’s mostly pictures. Pretty impressive if you ask me… especially since all forms of publishing will probably be dead in the next generation or so…

Old Men Study – Speaking of which, according to Australian researchers, the very oldest men are still interested in sex but illness and a lack of opportunity may be holding them back (sarcastic GASP!!!). The "male" hormone testosterone was clearly linked with how often a man over 75 had sex, and doctors need to do more studies to see if hormone replacement therapy might benefit older men, the researchers said. Zoe Hyde of the University of Western Australia and colleagues surveyed more than 2,700 men aged 75 to 95 for their study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine (not “Anals” of Internal Medicine). They asked a range of questions about health, relationships and sexual activity (and then shuddered and/or vomited at the thought of their responses). "The older the men were, the less likely they were to be sexually active, but sex remained at least somewhat important to one fifth of men aged 90 to 95 years, refuting the stereotype of the asexual older person," they wrote in their report. "Of those who were sexually active, more than 40 percent were dissatisfied with the frequency of sexual activity, preferring sex more frequently." GASP!!! What? Men of any age still want more sex (especially when compared to none and/or manual release)? Baffling. More than 30% of the men reported some sort of sexual activity in the past year, but more than 48% said sex was important, suggesting many of the men wanted to have sex but could not. Age was a factor but so were testosterone levels, the lack of an interested partner, and various diseases from diabetes to prostate cancer (to the Plague to Old Man Penis). More than 40% of the men who had not had sex recently said they were not interested… which is obviously a cry to pull the f**king plug. Okay, that last part might’ve been a little harsh… but you get the idea. See? They really conduct studies like this… and some people make a good living at it. How do I get one of these cushy jobs as a studier of widely accepted facts & scientific laws? I’m telling ya, one day, somebody will have the balls to give me the funding to find out the truth behind stereotypes. Hell, if somebody can pay $10 million for a book of color-by-numbers (think about it… and that’s exactly what it is… reproduction… colored by others… see? Not crazy), then somebody might give me seven digits to find out the truth. It’s out there.

Frisky, Are We? – Then again, maybe the old guys just know that crazy sh*t that you can get into in a fit of Passion. For example, a Wisconsin woman bit off half her husband's tongue during a kiss… and has been arrested, authorities said on Tuesday. The bitten piece of the husband's tongue was recovered, and he was taken to a hospital following the incident late on Monday, Sheboygan, Wisconsin police said in a statement. The woman, 57, told emergency workers she had "bit her husband's tongue off," police said in a statement. She had blood on her clothing, they said. The 79-year-old victim said his wife bit his tongue while he was kissing her (and apparently the new denture grip was working like a charm), police said. The woman was singing Christmas carols and blowing a New Year's horn when police arrested her on charges of felony mayhem (sigh… delirium… it gets us all). She was being held pending formal charges by the District Attorney's Office. The victim was transported to an area hospital where doctors were trying to reattach his tongue, police said. The victim said his wife had been acting strangely in recent days, said the police in Sheboygan, roughly 50 miles north of Milwaukee. Wouldn’t that be an awkward Christmas dinner with the grandparents? “It’s great to see you all again… it seems like grandma bit grandpa’s tongue off under the Mistletoe mere days ago. Sigh… that reminds me, I should go visit her at Shady Acres after the New Year. That’ll be my resolution.” Be careful out there, gentlemen. You never know when you’re normally frisky sexual partner will be straight bat crackers crazy and rip your face off like Hannibal Lechter.

Selling Kids for Cars - A Florida woman was charged with trying to sell her infant son in order to pay for a new car, police said Tuesday. The baby's grandmother brokered the deal (oh yes, it’s a family affair) and initially demanded $75,000 but agreed to cut the price to $30,000 when told the prospective buyer could not get a bank loan (sounds like some great haggling), the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE) said. The mother of the eight-week-old boy, Stephanie Bigbee Fleming, 22, of Bradenton, Florida, was to receive $9,000 of the proceeds, the FDLE said. "Fleming planned to purchase a new vehicle from the money received," an FDLE spokeswoman said. Fleming also needed money to pay court costs for an unrelated probation violation, the arrest documents said. Fleming was arrested Tuesday. The grandmother, Patty Bigbee, 45, was arrested last week with her boyfriend Lawrence Works, 42, both of Holly Hill, Florida. All three were charged with the illegal sale of a child (as opposed to a legal sale of a child), and Bigbee was also charged with communications fraud, the department said. The arrest report said Bigbee offered to sell the baby to a female relative in October, explaining she had been caring for her grandchild but "was not mother material." The relative alerted police and worked with them during the negotiations. Bigbee and Works were arrested when they collected a $30,000 cashier's check and handed over the baby to an undercover agent in a Daytona Beach parking lot, police said. The baby remains in state custody. Wow! This is absolutely unacceptable. So just to sum up, not only did the buyer get 60% off the original asking price… but the mother only got a 30% cut while grandma took a 70% commission. That’s the real crime here. I’m glad that they got arrested. Oh yeah… and the selling your child thing I guess is a little wrong… but isn’t that kind of like adoption. Please don’t make me go into a rant where I compare children to cats & dogs in an animal shelter because it’ll break your f**king heart and mine. There is a silver lining though. The Bigbees will have an opportunity to learn the finer points of bartering & negotiations while in a Florida prison. “In exchange for protection from the other inmates, I will gladly offer you two cigarettes per day. Deal?” “Hmm, interesting… my counter offer is… how about you give me those cigarettes, your fruit cocktail AND oral pleasure… and in exchange, I will refrain from shanking you AND violating you with the same modified broom handle. Are we in agreement?” It’ll be an amazing learning experience for both of them.

Lincoln Update – Okay, for years now, I’ve been anxiously anticipating Steven Spielberg’s biopic about Abraham Lincoln… and I’m not afraid to admit that it was primarily because of what would be a legendary confrontation between Abraham Lincoln (played by Liam Neeson) and his Vice President Andrew Johnson (played by Harrison Ford). Throw in Sally Field playing his crazy wife Mary Todd Lincoln and you’ve got cinematic GOLD!!! However, after years of delays and hearsay… something happened that may make this even MORE of a legendary confrontation. Ladies & gentlemen, Daniel Day-Lewis (“There Will Be Blood” & “Gangs of New York”) will star as Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's long-gestating biopic about the 16th President of the United States according to a just issued press release from DreamWorks Pictures. Based on Doris Kearns Goodwin' best-selling book "Team of Rivals" and adapted by multi-award winning playwright Tony Kushner, the film will focus on the political collision of Lincoln and the powerful men of his cabinet (including Johnson) on the road to abolition and the end of the Civil War. The film has been on Spielberg's 'to do' list for years and Liam Neeson had been attached to play Lincoln since at least mid-2005 right up until July this year. Spielberg originally planned to make it his first post-"Munich" project but for various reasons the film kept getting delayed over and over again. Now at last it is finally happening with shooting expected to get underway in the fall next year for a late 2012 release through Touchstone Pictures. I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about it. I can see it now. Bill the Butcher… versus Han Solo. Hawkeye… against Indiana Jones. Daniel Plainview… and the other President Ford (“GET OFF MY PLANE!!!”). It’s going to be AMAZING!!! (in theory) I’m getting more excited every day. Coming soon… Gary Oldman signs on to play General Robert E. Lee… and Jefferson Davis will be played to John Malkovich… and Megan Fox plays the White House intern that through her Love & Full Release Massage would save a nation. My God, it’ll sweep the Oscars AND the Razzies. Until then though… we can only wait…

I guess that’ll do it for today. Not a whole lot else to update at this point. Awaiting word from San Francisco on the job opportunity… and Bubbles is getting REALLY excited about this weekend… as well she should because it’s going to be EPIC!!! Show off the sights of Lake Tahoe, maybe a dash of Reno, elegant workplace Christmas celebration, gorgeous weather (fingers crossed but it should be sunny most of the weekend), should be amazing. Have a great night everybody!!!

Snow in the Land of Oz

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nothing really planned this weekend… except an easy breezy plan for a date in Reno with Candy… but we’ll see. Was thinking about finally doing some good hiking but… apparently there’s supposed to be thunderstorms so… we’ll see. You know how I love the rain though, so combine that with some possible romance, it could make for a fantastic weekend. Eagles – Racists game in Philly on Sunday with plenty of great college & professional football… so I’m a little excited… and it’s a great warmup for next week when I go to the Eagles – 49ers game at Candlestick Park. Oh… and less than four weeks until New Orleans. Exciting times indeed.

Oscar-nominated actor Tony Curtis died Wednesday evening of cardiac arrest at home in the Las Vegas-area city of Henderson, Clark County Coroner Mike Murphy said Thursday. He was 85. He shaped himself from a 1950s movie heartthrob into a respected actor, showing a determined streak that served him well in such films as "Sweet Smell of Success," "The Defiant Ones" and "Some Like It Hot." "He died peacefully here, surrounded by those who love him and have been caring for him," his wife, Jill Curtis, told The Associated Press outside their home. "All Tony ever wanted to be was a movie star. He didn't want to be the most dramatic actor. He wanted to be a movie star, ever since he was a little kid." Curtis began acting in frivolous movies that exploited his handsome physique and appealing personality then steadily moved to more substantial roles, starting in 1957 in the harrowing show business tale, "Sweet Smell of Success." In 1958, "The Defiant Ones" brought him an Academy Award nomination as best actor for his portrayal of a white racist who escaped from prison handcuffed to a black man played by Sidney Poitier. The following year, Curtis donned women's clothing and sparred with Marilyn Monroe in one of the most acclaimed film comedies ever, Billy Wilder's "Some Like It Hot." (Check it out if you haven’t) "He was a fine actor ... I shall miss him," said British actor Roger Moore, who starred alongside Curtis in TV's "The Persuaders." "He was great fun to work with, a great sense of humor and wonderful ad libs," Moore told Sky News. "We had the best of times." Curtis' first wife was actress Janet Leigh of "Psycho" fame; actress Jamie Lee Curtis is their daughter. "My father leaves behind a legacy of great performances in movies and in his paintings and assemblages," Jamie Lee Curtis said in a statement. "He leaves behind children and their families who loved him and respected him and a wife and in-laws who were devoted to him. He also leaves behind fans all over the world." Truly a sad day.

Greg Giraldo, a comedian famous for his stinging insult humor, disgruntled rants and frequent appearances on Comedy Central’s highly watched roast series, also died on Wednesday at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, N.J. He was 44. He had been hospitalized since Saturday night after he was found unconscious in a hotel room in New Brunswick, where he was scheduled to perform at a club. Mr. Giraldo had suffered a drug overdose (comedian’s kryptonite), The Home News Tribune of East Brunswick, N.J., reported, citing New Brunswick police. The precise cause of death on Wednesday was unclear. A hospital spokesman said the family declined to release that information. The thing I liked most about Greg Giraldo was that he was a lawyer who gave up a job at a law firm to pursue comedy, probably because he got more chicks and free drugs that way. That’d be my guess. Mr. Giraldo became a wildly successful stand-up comic touring the country as a headliner at many clubs and dispensing his own brand of sharp and often brutal humor. As Mr. Giraldo’s following grew so did his presence on radio and television. He performed more than a dozen times on Leno & Conan and become a radio regular on “The Howard Stern Show.” Mr. Giraldo was particularly known for his clever and exasperated rants, which he used to great effect on Comedy Central shows like “Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn” and Lewis Black’s “Root of All Evil.” But it was his regular appearances on that network’s roast series — one of Comedy Central’s most successful shows — that drew particular attention. Mr. Giraldo was a mainstay on that series, taking the stage in more than a half-dozen shows to mercilessly ridicule pop-culture figures like Pamela Anderson, William Shatner, & Chevy Chase. “I could only dream,” he told Mr. Chase, of making “three good movies” and 40 horrible ones — and, in 2009, a fellow comedian, Larry the Cable Guy. Mr. Giraldo was born in New York in 1965. He earned a bachelor’s degree from Columbia and a law degree from Harvard. He was divorced with three children. He will be missed.

Snow White Remake – Enough talk about death, let’s talk about rebirth. "Snow White and the Huntsman", a re-telling of the classic fairy tale, has been making the rounds of the studios reports Heat Vision. Oh… and for those of you who don’t know, a “re-telling” of a classic fairy tale… is basically just taking characters from an established brand and doing whatever you want with them. Scribe Evan Daugherty, director Rupert Sanders and producer Joe Roth are all attached to this version which expands the role of the Huntsman in the fairy tale. Ordered to take Snow White into the woods and kill her, he instead lets her go and becomes something of a mentor who teaches her how to fight and survive. Oh yeah… you read that correctly. The two are also apparently chained together for part of the movie as they make their escape, but this isn't a romantic connection as the prince will still serve as the love interest. Really? There's a wrinkle however in the form of two rival projects. Disney Pictures is developing its own revisiting of the story entitled "Snow and the Seven" which is set in British colonial China and will be directed by Francis Lawrence. Relativity is also developing its own edgy take which Brett Ratner will produce and Melisa Wallack ("Meet Bill") has penned. I repeat for the cheap seats… Disney… is making a movie called “Snow and the Seven”… set in colonial China… because as we all know, Chinese people are dwarves. Hey, I’m not making the movie. Why the hell else would it be set in China? Maybe it should be set in Japan and called “Whiteness of Snow & the Seven Samurai” or set in the Wild West and called “Snowy & the Magnificent Seven” or perhaps a crossover with a detective movie set in New York entitled “Snow Se7en”. “WHAT’S IN THE BOX???” Oh yes, my ideas are MUCH worse, right? Oh… they get worse…

Oz Remakes – It’s not just Disney classics that are in peril of being violated cinematically. The wonderful land of Oz is getting the business too… and this may involve more violation than the HBO series of the same name. "Glee" star Lea Michele is set to both voice the titular character and sing several musical numbers in the animated 3D musical "Dorothy of Oz" for Summertime Entertainment reports Variety. Randi Barnes, Adam Balsam and Barry Glasser penned the script based on the same book by Roger S. Baum, great-grandson of the original "The Wizard of Oz" author L. Frank Baum. This story centers on Dorothy Gale "returning to a tornado-devastated Kansas and then being transported back to Oz to help her friends." Also onboard are Jim Belushi as the Lion, Dan Aykroyd as the Scarecrow, Kelsey Grammer as the Tin Man, Oliver Platt as Wiser the Owl, Megan Hilty as the China Princess, Hugh Dancy as Marshall Mallow and Martin Short as Dorothy's arch-nemesis Jester. Bryan Adams and his writing partner Jim Vallance are writing the first songs and lyrics for the film. Bonne Radford ("Curious George," "The Road to El Dorado") is producing while Dan St. Pierre ("Everyone’s Hero") is directing. Okay, a 3D animated sequel starring a lot of elderly comedians and the chick from Glee? I can see that being made. Probably won’t be any good but… it’s good that Dan Aykroyd and the other Belushi can get some work still. What’s that? There’s more?

Yet More Oz Remakes - "Spider-Man" & “Evil Dead” director Sam Raimi has apparently been offered the job of director on Disney's upcoming prequel "Oz: The Great and Powerful" reports New York Magazine. Though the likes of Sam Mendes ("American Beauty") and Adam Shankman ("Hairspray") were previously rumored, the paper's sources claim Raimi has already received an official offer. Robert Downey Jr. (“Iron Man” & “Sherlock Holmes”) will star in the film which tells of how the Wizard arrived in Oz and became the ruler of the Emerald City (not Seattle). Mitchell Kapner penned the script. The project is one of AT LEAST A HALF DOZEN PROJECTS based on L. Frank Baum's classic literary property currently in the works, most being original spins on the property rather than direct adaptations. The list includes the 'Wizard' sequel “Surrender Dorothy" which Zach Helm ("Stranger Than Fiction") penned and Drew Barrymore is rumored to be directing; the previously mentioned animated musical "Dorothy of Oz"; the film adaptation of the hit musical "Wicked"; a project simply called "Oz" by Darren Lemke ("Shrek Forever After") but is NOT the HBO series; a darker and twisted take on the Oz books by scribe Josh Olson ("A History of Violence") and Todd MacFarlane (“Spawn”); and yet another CG-animated feature that John Boorman is slated to direct. The sad thing is… of all of those, I’m only mildly interested in seeing Robert Downey jr as the Wizard and the twisted sh*t that Todd McFarlane will do with the story. I watched the “Tin Man” TV movie thing a few years back with Zooey Deschanel (“500 Days of Summer”) as Dorothy and honestly, it’s going to be REALLY hard to top that hotness on a Dorothy… and it wasn’t even intentional. Oh… and the story was a little blah. Anyway, best of luck to all of you in your ventures to capitalize on the nostalgic childhood market. Which reminds me, I should really get to writing my children’s books…

Star Whores – Speaking of recycled classics for a profit, once again George Lucas is re-re-re-releasing the original Star Wars Saga (GASP!!!). Creator George Lucas is reportedly set on re-releasing all six films in the "Star Wars" franchise with new 3D conversions in 2012 according to the trades. Fox will release the 3D versions starting early 2012 with "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" (JAR JAR IN 3D!!! FINALLY!!!). Each subsequent film will be released annually around the same date over consecutive years (so as to allow for capitalizing on both the summer release in theatres AND Christmas DVD purchases over the rest of the decade for doing NOTHING). Lucasfilm is taking at least a full year with each conversion and will use several higher-end conversion houses to work on the project. The reason for the 2012 release of the first film is that Lucas is waiting for enough 3D screens being available to create a 'huge event'. Lucas purportedly is lining up the re-releases as a lead-in to the ultimate home-viewing experience as home 3D TV technology is being perfected in coming years. Oh… and please don’t worry, this won't affect Lucas' plans for a comprehensive 2D Blu-ray Disc set of the six films due out next year… so you won’t have to wait for yet another format to own the entire story in… in addition to your VHS, laserdisc, DVD, Betamax, LP, 8-track, whatever else is out there (I still just have the first three on VHS & my pirated Episode III from China which I bought the day it hit theatres, but please don’t tell anybody… cuz I’ve got a nerdy reputation to keep). Sigh… why doesn’t anybody remake “Spaceballs” in 3D? Or how about this… “Back to the Future” in 3D? Oh yeah… I know I just made you cream a little bit when you read that. Don’t fight it, just go with it. It’s okay. Anyway, now you know why George Lucas is LOOOOOOADEEEEED!!! Just remember, you can’t take it with you…

Long Lost Chicken Scratch - Archaeologists say scrawl on the back of a letter recovered from a 17th century dig site reveals a previously unknown language spoken by indigenous peoples in northern Peru. A team of international archaeologists found the letter under a pile of adobe bricks in a collapsed church complex near Trujillo, 347 miles north of Lima. The complex had been inhabited by Dominican friars for two centuries. "Our investigations determined that this piece of paper records a number system in a language that has been lost for hundreds of years," Jeffrey Quilter, an archaeologist at Harvard's Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology, told Reuters. A photograph of the letter recently released by archaeologists shows a column of numbers written in Spanish and translated into a language that scholars say is now extinct. "We discovered a language no one has seen or heard since the 16th or 17th century," Quilter said, adding that the language appears to have been influenced by Quechua, an ancient tongue still spoken by millions of people across the Andes. He said it could also be the written version of a language colonial-era Spaniards referred to in historical writings as pescadora, for the fishermen on Peru's northern coast who spoke it. So far no record of the pescadora language has been found. The letter, buried in the ruins of the Magdalena de Cao Viejo church at the El Brujo Archaeological Complex in northern Peru, was discovered in 2008. But Quilter said archaeologists decided to keep their discovery secret until the research showing evidence of the lost language was published this month in the journal American Anthropologist. "I think a lot of people don't realize how many languages were spoken in pre-contact times," Quilter said. "Linguistically, the relationship between the Spanish conquistadors and the indigenous was very complex."

True, language and how people communicate is an amazing, complex & fascinating thing. However, I often wonder… how will society look back on us in… even just a few hundred years? First off, most of our crap wouldn’t last long. It’s not like… three hundred years from now, somebody’s going to dig up your DVD collection and theorize that it’s some kind of flying disc that you used to hunt cattle & the now-extinct pussycat dolls. Will my blog survive so that future generations can marvel at my amazing wit & perception of life… not unlike the Henry David Thoreau or Mark Twain? Will I be required reading for children in school? Or I guess by the time will I be required “mental downloading” for humanoids? What if these “plates” and “pots” that we dig up at sites were really an ancient societies version of a music record… but we just don’t have their player? Yes, I’m sure these are all questions that you’ve reckoned over a fresh bag of sticky icky icky (oooEEEE!!!) but you know, I often wonder what the legacy of our planet will be. Hell, then again, maybe scientists are right and they’ll be digging up the whole planet once we destroy it and are living on Mars or something… if we make it that far. What will truly live on is how we treat each other and the planet where we live? Not what we say in some ancient tongue that nobody knows anymore. Anyway, that’s my message for the day. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Wish me luck… and maybe a little lust…

Sexy Bedtime Stories

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Softball last night was more of the same. We are now, I think 1-10. I’m not exactly sure why we suck so bad because… we’re actually pretty good players. Okay, THEY’RE actually pretty good players… but I’ve only been playing the last few games… and actually doing pretty damn good. For example, last night I went 2-for-3 with an RBI. Not too bad. I even had a couple outs playing catcher. Yet we lost 18-10. We haven’t even been drinking (much) during the games. Eh, I’m having fun anyway. Hopefully our basketball team this winter is a little more competitive though. Other than that, not much has happened. I’ll officially be spending Christmas back in Utah… but you probably already figured that much. The only time I hadn’t spent Christmas with the family was when I went to Boston for a week starting Christmas morning… and I had spent the week before that with the family. Still no idea what’ll happen for New Year’s… but that’s almost five months away. Geez… 2010 is kind of flying by, right? Sigh… Anyway, here’s some REAL news…

Kama Sutra as Narrated by Betty White - Too shy to read the Kama Sutra on the train during rush hour? I wouldn’t suspect that you would if you’re reading this blog… but just in case, now you can just take out your headphones. The ancient sex guide dating back 1,600 years has been published as an audio book for the first time in its long history in what its British-based publisher described as a "perfect meeting of ancient history and modernity." "Now there's no need to feel embarrassed by reading a copy of this wonderful and important book in public -- simply download it on to your mp3 player and liven up your commute to work," said Simon Petherick, managing director of Beautiful Books. "Some may also consider using the audio book as a step-by-step manual for improving bedroom techniques, without the need to stop and start with constant reference to a book." The Kama Sutra, narrated by a British actress (Dame Judy Dench? Mmm… or maybe Liz Hurley), is based on ancient Indian philosophies and was first translated into English in the 19th century. It contains advice on relationships and one of its chapters describes 64 types of sexual acts. Go ahead. Start counting. I’ll wait. Have their really been awkward social advances started when somebody was reading this book? I can imagine. Hell, if I were on the subway & noticed a lovely young lady reading the book, “Hey there, I couldn’t help but noticed that you were reading one of my favorite books. I especially like the chapter where it brings in the monkeys.” “Excuse me?” “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give away the ending. Please forget I said anything. My name’s $teve by the way.” Does it sound like I’ve used that line before? It should. The only read downside to a book-on-tape (or whatever the digital equivalent is) format, would be explaining the erections when you get to the juicy parts. Am I right, guys? “Dude! What are you listening to?” “Ugh… Shakira?” “Why would you listen to Shakira?” “Have you seen her? Those videos? Caliente!” “Yeah… but why would you LISTEN to Shakira?” “Ugh… audio… memory… recognition… ism?” (quizzical look) “Are you listening to smut again?” “Sigh… sorta, but it’s historic smut.” By the way, ladies, if you ever want some of your smut translated to incredibly sexy audio narration, please feel free to give me a call (and send me the book). I’ve been told that I’m quite “entertaining” as you might imagine. Just ask Bubbles. I’ve been reading her the “I Saw You” ads in various local papers for years.

Role Reversal - The owner of an Ohio strip club and some of his dancers have been protesting at a church that has done the same to them for four years. Women in bikinis sat in camp chairs Sunday outside the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, about 60 miles northeast of Columbus. Tommy George owns the Foxhole strip club (love the name) in nearby Newcastle. He says he and his employees decided to start coming to the church because they were fed up. George says the church's pastor, Bill Dunfee, and his congregation have bothered the club's weekend patrons. He says they come armed with bullhorns, signs and video cameras for posting customers' license plate numbers online. Dunfee calls George a "parasite" and says seeing the protesters outside the church has strengthened the resolve of his flock. Anybody else think this is f**ked up? Posting license plates online? Is that legal? It’s probably a good thing that I don’t own a strip club (for many reasons) because I would have no problem with turning the hose on them. “Git on outta heya!!! Dis here MY property.” You bet I’d do the old man voice too. As for calling your followers a flock, I just find that disrespectful. Do they know that you refer to them as sheep? Just asking. I would totally join an exotic dancer protest. “Thanks for coming out and supporting us. Is your girlfriend one of the dancers? Did she convince you to come help?” “Not at all. I’m doing this because I believe DANCERS HAVE RIGHTS!!! It’s just ridiculous that the religious right wing can do whatever they want without repercussions. You ladies are just trying to make a living like everybody else. It’s not your fault that you’re amazingly gorgeous & ambitious. My name’s $teve by the way.” Does it sound like I’ve used THAT line before? Anyway, best of luck to the Foxhole. The last thing that we need is more unemployed hotties.

Too Hot for Work? – Too hot to be an engineer or a prison guard? Good looks can kill a woman's chances of snaring jobs considered "masculine," according to a study by the University of Colorado Denver Business School. Attractive women faced discrimination when they applied for jobs where appearance was not seen as important (GASP!!!). These positions included job titles like manager of research and development, director of finance, mechanical engineer and construction supervisor (I think that last one has other factors). They were also overlooked for categories like director of security, hardware salesperson (“The hammer is my penis…”), prison guard (tehehe, penal system) and tow-truck driver. "In these professions being attractive was highly detrimental to women," researcher Stefanie Johnson said in a statement, adding that attractive women tended to be sorted into positions like receptionist or secretary (or missionary or reverse cowgirl). "In every other kind of job, attractive women were preferred. This wasn't the case with men which shows that there is still a double standard when it comes to gender." The study, published in the Journal of Social Psychology, was based on giving participants a list of jobs and photos of applicants and asking them to sort them according to their suitability for the role (more on what I think of the study parameters in a moment). They had a stack of 55 male and 55 female photos. While the researchers found good-looking women were ruled out for certain jobs, they found that attractive men did not face similar discrimination and were always at an advantage. But Johnson said beautiful people still enjoyed a significant edge when it came to the workplace. They tended to get higher salaries, better performance evaluations, higher levels of admission to college, better voter ratings when running for public office, and more favorable judgments in trials. "In every other kind of job, attractive women were preferred," said Johnson, who chided those who let stereotypes affect hiring decisions. Okay, now that Stefanie is done, allow me to retort. First off, your study is flawed because you’re giving people a stack of photos & jobs… and telling them to make a decision based solely on appearance. If the job is construction supervisor, director of security, prison guard, tow-truck driver or anything like that were not only are they going to be working directly above men… but in most of those, in direct confrontation with rather large men, then yeah, you’re going to “discriminate” against a blonde 114-pound woman. That’s like saying your “discriminating” against a dwarf for the position of club bouncer. They’re at a severe disadvantage for that job. Go ahead and cry to ADA or the NCLU for a lawsuit… but then show me how you’re going to throw a 150-pound man out of the bar. Now double the size. Maybe throw in the fact that they have a schiv or a weapon of some sort. Do you still want this job? Anyway, when you base it solely on appearance, that’s what happens. I however like to look at the resume & interview portions as well when I’m determining a suitable employee. That is not taken into account. Besides, isn’t this pretty much common knowledge anyway? “What? There’s only hot prison guards on late night Cinemax movies? That’s discrimination!!!” No it’s not. I doubt that Angelina Jolie could pull that sh*t off… and she’s about the baddest b**ch I know (in this alternate universe where I know her & more importantly, she knows me). It’s just funny that there are actual funded studies for stuff like this… and yet my stereotype studies go unsponsored.

Baby Name Update – By the way, don’t think that I didn’t notice Stefanie’s name either. Though it’s an extremely mild case, I thought it made for a nice transition to my next story. An ex-convict was jailed on a charge that he harassed a nurse who laughed at his plan to name his newborn after late mob boss John Gotti. John Keinath allegedly told the nurse back in March he would strangle her for laughing at him. He was charged with felony harassment and had been free awaiting trial, but on Monday, a Snohomish County Superior Court judge ordered him held on $1 million bail. Yeah. One MILLION dollars… for saying something. The Herald of Everett reported that according to prosecutors, Keinath spent the past few months trying to trick people at Stevens Hospital into giving him the nurse's identity, and he finally learned it. That led to concerns about her safety. Keinath was arrested late last week after being chased around by local police and U.S. marshals. His previous convictions include a drive-by shooting and assaulting someone with a piece of pipe. It was unclear if Keinath has an attorney… but what if THIS was the 3rd strike or something like that… and he would get life in prison because he said something in anger when a nurse told him that she thought John was a stupid name? Better yet, what if her name (since the identity’s a secret) was something that he thought was stupid? That’s why I feel sorry for celebrity kids that just because their parents are douchebags who want to be unique, they get stuck with a name like Bronx Mowgli or Apple or Jermajesty. Oh that’s right, I brought one of the Jacksons into the mix too. What now? Anyway, kind of an odd story that I thought I’d share with you. Just don’t laugh at what other people name their kin & why… unless you’re absolutely sure they won’t have you whacked or off’d or whacked off or whatever.

Adult Name Update - A judge is considering whether a Pittsburgh-area man can legally change his name to Boomer the Dog after a short-lived television series. The man who went to court Tuesday is 44-year-old Gary Guy Mathews, of Green Tree, Pennsylvania. He is a fan of the 1980s NBC series "Here's Boomer," which featured a dog who rescued people. That’s not all though. He's also an enthusiast of Anthrocon. That's an annual convention of people dedicated to anthropomorphism, the practice of attributing human characteristics to animals. Mathews says his friends already call him Boomer, as did his late parents, though that took some persuading. Allegheny County Judge Robert Folino says he'll take a couple of days to decide. He says he could nix the request if it results in "unintended consequences" like being "seen as bizarre." Really? A judge can do that? Nice. Anyway, if an adult want to change their name to Chad Ochocinco or Boomer the Dog or Dog the Bounty Hunter or $tevonia or simply “?” that’s fine with me, they’re fully grown individuals… though there are obvious problems with punctuation in certain computer fields with a few of those. However, don’t be angry if your mama calls you Gary, I’m gonna call you Gary. I have a friend that answers only to Pork Chop. I’m pretty sure that it’s not on his driver’s license… but hey, I’ll take his word for it, whatever. Do what you want. However, if I’m checking your ID at a club… and I kind of snicker a bit because it says your name is Boba Fett McLovin and think that it sounds fake, just don’t be surprised. It’s unusual. Like a hot prison guard.

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight. Hope you all enjoyed my ramblings about discrimination and labeling and blah blah blah. Still can’t wait to hear the Kama Sutra read to me by M herself. That should be awesome. Oh… and remember, if you want erotic novels, children’s books or anything of the sort (even math books, I’ll find a way to make it dirty) narrated for yourself or the kids, please let me know. I know I’m barely literate but I get the gist from the pictures and fill in the blanks on my own… and I sound like Billie Dee Williams. “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish… mmm…” “Ooooooh… Lando…” Have a great night everybody!!!