Snatch - It's About Robbin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I was wondering what I was going to do with this lovely weekend. See, I wanted to be a little on the frugal side because of this coming weekend with my mom… so no last minute trip to San Fran or anything (besides, Bubbles already had company for her birthday… and I’m always 3 hours away). So I thought, “Maybe I should call my stepsister and see what her family’s up to. Maybe they’re bored too… and it is Pioneer Day over in Utah, so we should be celebrating… something… right?” Whatever you’ve got to tell yourself, $teve. Well, not minutes after I had the passing thought, did my stepsister call me & invite me to my nephew’s 10th birthday party… and the best part… it was at Wild Island, which is a water park in Sparks apparently. “Yeah, I was just going to call you guys. That’d be awesome.” So yeah, we met up at Scheels first because the kids wanted to ride the FERRIS WHEEL while the parents wanted to check out guns & mountain bikes. You can guess which one Uncle $teve wanted to do. Here are the pictures…

After Scheels, we went across the highway to Wild Island. It was a pretty cool water park… and because it was 103 degrees and a Saturday, the place was PACKED!!! We still had a LOT of fun though with the different slides and of course just being silly in general. After a few hours, clouds started to move in… and then it because a lightning storm… and then a sandstorm, so we basically had to abandon after about 3 hours, but still, good times. Sorry, no pictures of me and my hard, chiseled, bronze body for this part. I had to leave the camera in a locker (not waterproof) but hey, that’s why you should come along next time.

That night, I decided that since it was basically a full moon, I would watch “The Wolfman” starring Benecio Del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Basically it’s supposed to be a retelling of the Lon Chaney classic Wolfman movie. An actor from London (Del Toro) must return home upon news of his brother’s disappearance. He returns to find his brother has been found… and torn up by what appears to be some kind of a savage beast. Well, he moves back into the family estate until he finds the killer with his father (Hopkins) and now widowed former sister-in-law (Emily Blunt). Well, blah blah blah, he gets bit, becomes a werewolf, Scotland Yard sends in a man (Weaving) to investigate, family “secrets” are revealed, long story short, I didn’t care for this movie at all. It was dull, boring, incredibly predictable, even poor CGI, and believe me… I’m willing to take the leap with believing the whole system of lycanthropy and whatnot… but yeah, this movie was just… pointless really. I say pass if at all possible. Plenty of other werewolf movies out there… and I can’t wait for “Jack & Diane” to this one out of my mind. Here’s the news…

Bank Robbery Monthly: Darkside - Times must be tough back at the Empire after having to rebuild all those Death Stars. A bank robber dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader made off with an undetermined amount of cash after pointing a handgun at startled tellers inside a Chase bank branch on Long Island. Detectives say the stickup man walked into the bank shortly before noon Thursday wearing a full head mask and a blue cape. The only part of the uniform that was out of place were his camouflage pants. And that handgun — no light saber. Suffolk County police Detective Sgt. William Lamb told reporters at least one customer at the time didn't think the theft was legit. The customer, whose identity was not released, can be seen cowering on the floor in a surveillance camera photo, moments after the holdup man shoved him away. "The customer thought it might have been a joke and not a serious attempt at a robbery," Lamb told the Daily News. The only other description of the suspect was his height: between 6 feet and 6-foot-2. He was last seen running across a parking lot. "I thought it was pretty comical, but I guess this guy was pretty serious about needing some money," Michael Aloisio, who works at a nearby restaurant and saw the bandit run past, told the New York Post. "I think we need more police and more security here," said Louie Lin, 24, who works at a Chinese restaurant in the shopping center where the bank is located and saw the robber. "People need money so bad nowadays ... maybe next time they will come here and steal from us too." Heather Apolo, 36, a Chase customer from Port Jefferson Station, said she was surprised the bank had been targeted. "It really is a good area. They'll probably beef up security and make sure something like this doesn't happen again." Mike Fusco, a Chase spokesman, declined to comment other than to say bank officials were cooperating with the investigation. My grade for this robber – C. I like the whole Darth Vader thing. Definitely would’ve been intimidating because Episodes II & III but still an ominous image. Blue cape? Eh, obviously times are rough & you’ve got to go with what you’ve got. That IS why he’s robbing the bank. Now if the gun were made to look like Han Solo’s blaster or something, definite A- at least… or if there was some sort of Force Chokehold involved… but yeah, a C isn’t too bad of a grade for a nerd in need of some dough. Also, 6’2” is right around the good height to be physically intimidating… but more than 1% of the population can be in the lineup. Anyway, I’m not condoning bank robbing, just to be clear… just judging the methods. The holdup was the 15th in Suffolk County this year; 30 bank heists were reported in 2009. The robbery comes about a week after a so-called bouquet bandit held up a Manhattan bank. Authorities say Edward Pemberton used a flower bouquet to conceal a note demanding cash during a $440 bank heist July 15. They say he used a potted plant as a similar prop in a holdup at another bank earlier this month. There also have been numerous reports around the country of men dressing as women, wigs, sunglasses and all, holding up banks. A New Hampshire man robbed a bank in 2007 wearing tree branches and leaves (damn, hippie thieves now?). Oh wait… it gets better…

BRM: Clowns - Authorities said a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. Swissvale police said 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday. Police Chief Greg Geppert said Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint, using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store. Geppert said Hawkins then entered a woman's car. She got out, took her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car. He is being held on $230,000 bail. It's not clear whether he has an attorney. Obviously this robbery was an F in every single facet other than nobody got hurt, which is like signing your name correctly at the top of the test. If you get that wrong, it’s an automatic zero. Okay, step by step. Weapon – Stolen BB gun. It may look real, so I can’t completely rag on it… but if it’s one of those plastic transparent things from Wal-Mart, I’m holding back laughter if I’m stuck up with one of those. The Outfit – Big-breasted blonde lady clown. Too bad the 5 o’clock shadow probably gives it all away. Perhaps thought of in case an insanity plea was needed later on. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of a doubt. The Getaway – Jack a lady in the parking lot… but she takes the keys & calls the cops… while you check the money & get blasted in the face with a dye pack. Here’s how it goes down… and keep in mind that the carjackee will be in a completely state of confusion because this is all going down with a giant he-she clown. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! KEYS!!! Thank you, here’s a little something for a new car.” Drive off. Moments later, when she is no longer stunned from being carjacked by a clown, she glanced down at her stack of hundreds… and it explodes all over her. Heck, if she’s a blonde with big breasts, you may have a patsy. Anyway, terrible robbery all around… and he’s in jail now. Might be worth it though. At least he won’t have to worry where his next meal is coming from. Just if somebody’s going to make him eat a meat sandwich for dessert. Stay in school, kids.

BRM: Undies – So I’m thinking of renaming my new magazine from “Bank Robbing Monthly” to simply “Snatch” to cover all forms of thievery. However, I’m also afraid that there’s more than likely another kind of magazine out there with that title… and is probably handed upon purchase in a brown paper slip. Anyway, this doesn’t even really have to do with banks… but I had to share. An unemployed woman who said she was desperate for money has been arrested on charges she robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's with a white stretch girdle wrapped around her face as a makeshift mask (probably recently used in an Oklahoma heat wave too). Authorities said 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Midwest City admitted to being the underwear-masked bandit who made off with the contents of a cash drawer from the fast-food restaurant around 3 a.m. Tuesday. A surveillance video captured the woman on tape and was broadcast on local television, prompting several tips (“I recognize those undies anywhere!”) that led police to a condemned home on Wednesday night where Lain was found living, said Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Police found the underwear - a white stretch girdle known as 'spanx' (no joke) along with illegal drugs, including methamphetamine (gasp of surprise). "She admitted to her role in the burglary," said Clabes. "And we found the clothes she wore. This was a really bizarre disguise. I wasn't sure what spanx was. I've never seen a woman with one on; now I've seen one on someone's face." Police said Lain was a former night shift manager at McDonald's but was fired about a month ago. Lain told investigators she needed money and suffered from a gambling problem (and don’t forget the meth). She is being charged with second-degree burglary, possession of a controlled dangerous substance, possession of paraphernalia and illegal trespass. So yeah, she doesn’t qualify for a grade because it was a McDonald’s but it’s probably for the better because it was a place that she worked at (unless there was another inside man), she has the drug problem, I admire the spirit with the make-shift disguise but… seriously, putting your undies on your head? I can totally see McDonald’s just giving the cash drawer and being like “See ya when you’re hungry” and getting it right back within a month.

Just Plane Robbin’ Folks – Yes, it’s a bad pun. You should be used to them by now. French police have arrested an Air France stewardess (not pictured) on suspicion of stealing thousands of euros in cash, cards and jewelry as passengers slept on long haul flights, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Police investigating thefts over several months on flights between France and the Far East picked up the 47-year old attendant identified as Lucie R. after she landed from Tokyo on Friday, Le Figaro said. "Her bank accounts showed an absurd gap between her lifestyle and her declared income," the newspaper quoted a police investigator as saying. Police launched an investigation in January after about 4,000 euros' ($5,170) was stolen from five passengers. The robber took advantage of sleeping passengers, taking euros, yen, and Swiss francs as well as watches, jewels, credit cards and even checkbooks. According to the newspaper, the woman, who worked mainly in business class, began her spree in March 2009 to ease financial problems and has confessed to 26 thefts (so obviously done a LOT more). Since January, there have been about 140 thefts, the newspaper said (see?). "The Japanese were ideal prey because they travel with lots of cash -- euros and yen -- instead of paying with credit cards," a police source said. Police found travelers' checks, blank checks and bank card numbers at her home. Just goes to show that you can never trust the French, especially at 35,000 feet.

Crappy Gig – American rock band Kings of Leon (great band, by the way) said they were forced to abandon a concert in St. Louis at the weekend after three songs because pigeons kept pooping on them from the rafters. The band left the stage at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater on Friday after bass player Jared Followill was hit in the face by one dropping. "Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn't deal any longer," the Nashville band's publicist, Any Mendelsohn, said in a statement. "It's not only disgusting - it's a toxic hazard. They really tried to hang in there." Drummer Nathan Followill apologized on Twitter to fans of the Grammy-winning band which is made up of three Followill brothers and their cousin Matthew who plays lead guitar. "So sorry St Louis. We had to bail, pigeons s****ing in Jared's mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. Don't take it out on Jared ... Sorry for all who (traveled) many miles. "The band was to continue its U.S. tour in Cleveland, Ohio, on Monday to promote its fourth album "Only By The Night" before heading to Canada and Britain. The country duo Sugarland was scheduled to play the venue on Sunday night. Now I want to go home and listen to their album… but yeah, it was literally raining sh*t on them as they played. It just goes to show how “rock bands” nowadays handle these kind of things. Just think, what would Ozzy have done? Oh yeah, he would’ve bit the heads off a few pigeons… placed their heads on a few drumstick spits… and then yelled, “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you f**king winged rats!!!” Then Oswald’s cousin Louis steps in to keep the peace and lead the pigeons off to a different perch to watch the concert. Apparently watching over others is in their genetic code.

Lettuce Help the World – Okay, last pun of the day I swear. An animal rights activist has caused a stir in Jordan's capital by covering herself in lettuce in a quirky attempt to persuade Middle Eastern meat lovers to go vegetarian (good luck changing anything over there). Crowds quickly gathered to gawk at the lettuce lady, but police were not amused. Officers briefly arrested the Jordanian activist, Amina Tarek, and a colleague from PETA (of course, I KNEW they would be involved with this story… but I didn’t think they allowed them into that region). The pair stood in a square along one of Amman's trendiest streets and held a placard reading "Let vegetarianism grow on you." Tarek says she wanted Jordanians "to turn over a new leaf." Police held them for three hours, saying they had not obtained permission for Sunday's protest. The activists say they had approval. The police responded with “Yeah? Well I burned it, so you’ll agree with whatever I f**king tell you. You’re in Jordan now, hippie scum.” Okay, that last sentence was made up… but seriously, you could see that, right? Yeah, once again, I mention this more for the picture than anything else. Do I think the world needs to go vegetarian? Of course not. I love meat. I think it’s part of a healthy diet. Has been since the times of the caveman. Do I think they should’ve been arrested? Hey, if you don’t have permission to protest, the law steps in. Be happy that you have the right to request permission to protest. Wait, that does sound a little weird now that I think about it. Permission… to protest? “Sure you can get on your soap box or speak out about some injustice… but make sure you fill out the proper paperwork no less than 7 days in advance so that we can anticipate the kind of adverse effect this will have on traffic & parking through that region.” Yeah, kind of silly to get permission to go against the status quo but hey… it’s Jordan, right? It’s not like there’s stuff like that here in the States (unless you look).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you enjoyed these tales of snatching… and if not, tomorrow might be different. Maybe there’s more hot chicks. I know you love those stories. Tomorrow’s softball (unless we forfeit again), Wednesday’s a date (oh yeah, can’t wait to see how this one goes), and then Thursday my mom & aunt come to town for the weekend which should be epic. Still plenty of time to take a road trip out here to join us. We’ve got a LOT of activities planned… and even more that we’ll stumble upon along the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

I AM THE LAW!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been busy busy at work as usual…but that’s a good thing. It keeps you sharp…and employed, which you know has been a pretty important thing the past year or so. The snow yesterday was really just a warm-up for this weekend where we’re supposed to get a foot or so. Also, some of the locals are telling me that Smarch is snowiest month around these parts. “Brrrrrrrr, lousy Smarch weather…” We’ll see if this interferes with my Film Festival plans…but I’m optimistic as always.

Last night I watched “Law Abiding Citizen” starring Gerard Butler & Jamie Foxx. When it came out a few months ago, like most Gerard Butler movies, I was interested in seeing it in theaters…but didn’t…and nobody that I know saw it either. It’s weird. Did anybody out there see this movie, “Gamer” or “P.S. I Love You” in theatres? Did you see them on DVD? Anyway, back to the movie. It’s about a man (Butler) whose wife & daughter are brutally murdered…and through the trial, one of the guy makes a plea deal with his lawyer (Foxx) because of a technicality and he may get away completely if he doesn’t. So once again, the Justice system fails. Ten years later, the two criminals die horrible deaths (finally) and of course the suspect is Gerard Butler. Well, he’s playing a game now with the Justice system and trying to bring the whole system down through judges & lawyers dying, explosions all over the place, and all while he’s already locked up in prison. The city of Philadelphia goes into a state of martial law (okay, probably not what would really happen…but hey, I’m not a screenwriter) but overall, it’s a pretty good action flick…and of course, you know my opinion of the legal system…and it’s a cerebral action movie based on that premise. Oh…and it’s directed by F. Gary Gray whose other movies include “Friday”, “The Italian Job”, “Be Cool” and Outkast’s “Miss Jackson” video. So yeah, give it a shot if you like those kind of action movies. It’s not astounding…but it’s not horrible either. It may even give you some ideas for your own brand of vengeance. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? Ugh…here’s the news…and some tales of the law…

Bikini Barista - Pierce County prosecutors filed a charge of unlawful public exposure against a 19-year-old barista accused of wearing only a thong bottom and X-shaped pasties on her nipples (if you want to convert me to a coffee drinker, this is a good start Starbucks). Prosecutors filed the misdemeanor charge Tuesday against the woman who worked at the Bikini Bottoms espresso stand in Puyallup, Washington. A passer-by had complained last October about seeing the woman topless (yes, one passer-by, four months ago, you read that correctly). When a sheriff's deputy went to investigate the woman went to the back of the stand, took off the pasties and put on a bikini top. The News Tribune of Tacoma reported the deputy confiscated the pasties as evidence (after taking a few pictures as well…you know, for evidence). My sweet Jesus, a topless coffee shop. That would be amazing. I feel like I've had this thought before. “Hey $teve, want another lapdance?” “No thanks.” “How about another iced caramel macchiato?” “Sure, better than a cold shower.” “Want an extra shot of milk with that?” “Ugh… Could you be more specific as to the source of said milk?” Don’t judge me. If she’s lactating, not only is it already warm…but perfectly suited for my human physiological needs…and maybe I get to help squeeze it. Again, don’t judge me. I don’t even drink coffee. Yet. And the law should just stay out of my theoretical coffee shops.

Everybody Hates Clowns - A Tampa man faces charges after a deputy spotted him walking in a clown mask. According to jail records, the man was arrested Tuesday and charged with wearing a mask or hood on a public road over the age of 16 and resisting arrest without violence (both real charges). The man, who turned 19 on Wednesday (happy birthday?), has been released from Hillsborough County Jail on $750 bond. The St. Petersburg Times reported that a deputy saw the man wearing a clown mask and bright wig as he walked down a street with two other people. The group fled when deputies tried to question them, but were later located. Okay, so granted clowns are just creepy. Clowns don’t even like clowns…and it’s the only think that a large group of children will ever agree on. But here’s the thing, it’s illegal…and a jailable offense…to wear a mask or hood…on a public road…for anybody over the age of sixteen…in Tampa, Florida. Now, hoods aren’t a big fashion thing in Florida for the most part. But let’s say, it’s October 31st, or the weekend before or after. Hypothetically speaking, if you’re wearing a Halloween mask…and are over the age of sixteen, you don’t even have to be driving home drunk to be in lockup for a few hours. Technically speaking. Not only that…but if you resist arrest by NOT resisting, just sitting, then you face additional charges. Odd, right? So yeah, everybody hates clowns. It’s a proven fact.

50 Cent Update - A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent in New York City, claiming he unlawfully distributed her homemade sex video over the Internet after editing himself into it as a wig-wearing narrator. Lastonia Leviston filed a lawsuit on Wednesday in Manhattan claiming unauthorized use of her name or image and emotional distress caused by the public release of a video she made with a lover in 2008. The lawsuit claims 50 Cent posted the video on his Web site last year after blurring out the lover's face. It also claims the rapper appears in the video wearing a wig and robe and can be heard narrating throughout. The rapper's real name is Curtis Jackson. His lawyer hasn't responded to a phone message seeking comment. Okay, first off, how the f**k did 50 get the video to post? Was it like an audition tape sent to his website? Also, I may have to check out 50 playing the mumbly Bob Costas of Coitus on his website. (spoken through clenched teeth) “Yeah, he positioning himself all up inside her now. He’s got pretty good technique for an amateur. Looks like he’s keepin’ it safe by using one of my Bulletproof condoms. G-G-G-G-UNIT!!! (pumps a few into his fake Jerry curl) Oooh, he’s beatin’ that ass like it owe him money now. Now a word from our sponsor…” It’s no Morgan Freeman talking about the sexual habits of penguins…but hey, I’m sure it’s mildly entertaining. Oh…and as for the law being called into this, yeah obviously if it’s unwarranted or whatever, he’ll probably end up paying a ludicrous sum of money…but again I ask, how did he get the video?

IT’S CALLED A KILLER WHALE!!! – So I assume you’ve all heard about this already…but if not, here you go. Despite calls to free or destroy the animal, SeaWorld said Thursday it will keep the killer whale that drowned its trainer, but will suspend all orca shows while it decides whether to change the way handlers work with the behemoths. Also, VIP visitors who occasionally were invited to pet the killer whales will no longer be allowed to do so. "We're going to make any changes we have to to make sure this doesn't happen again," Chuck Tompkins, chief of animal training at SeaWorld parks, said a day after a 12,000-pound killer whale named Tilikum dragged a trainer into its pool and thrashed the woman to death as audience members watched in horror (I assume the family vacation videos are a lot like the gruesome Discovery Channel epics that I love). Talk-radio callers, bloggers and animal activists said Tilikum (which was involved in the deaths of two other people over the past two decades) should be released into the ocean or put to death like a dangerous dog (don’t get me started on Michael Vick, okay?). Tompkins said that Tilikum would not survive in the wild because it has been captive for so long, and that destroying the animal is not an option either, because it is an important part of the breeding program at SeaWorld and a companion to the seven other whales there (Conjugal visits? Put him out to stud?). Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old veteran trainer who adored whales, was rubbing Tilikum from a poolside platform when the 22-foot creature grabbed the woman's ponytail in its jaws and pulled her in. Witnesses said the whale played with Brancheau like a toy. "He kept pushing her and poking her with his nose," said Paula Gillespie of Delaware, who saw the attack from an underwater observation point. "It looked like she was just totally caught off guard and looked like she was struggling." She added: "I just felt horrible because she's someone's daughter, mother. I couldn't stop crying." The killer whale shows (what kind of whale?) have been put on hold at SeaWorld's three parks in Orlando, San Antonio and San Diego. Tompkins said they will not resume until trainers understand what happened to Brancheau. He also said trainers will review safety procedures and change them as needed. He would not give details on what might be changed, but he said he does not expect visitors to the theme park to see much difference in the killer whale shows, in which trainers swim with the animals, ride on their backs and jump off of them. There is virtually no contact between visitors and the orcas at SeaWorld shows, said Fred Jacobs, a spokesman for the SeaWorld parks. But in the past, VIP guests occasionally were allowed to come down to the edge of the pool and touch the whales. That will no longer be permitted. Because of Tilikum's size and history of aggressive behavior, visitors were not allowed to get close to the whale, and trainers were not permitted to climb into the water with the animal. They were only allowed to work with him from a partially submerged deck. Tompkins defended SeaWorld's use a whale that had already been blamed in the deaths of two other people. "We didn't ignore those incidents. We work with him very, very carefully. We did not get in the water with this animal like we do with other killer whales because we recognized his potential." Brancheau's older sister, Diane Gross, said the trainer would not have wanted anything done to the whale. "She loved the whales like her children. She loved all of them. They all had personalities, good days and bad days." In a profile in the Orlando Sentinel in 2006, Brancheau acknowledged the dangers, saying: "You can't put yourself in the water unless you trust them and they trust you." It’s truly tragic…but at the same time, you can’t possibly be surprised. I’m surprised that it doesn’t happen more. They’re wild animals. Watch the Discovery Channel (or the posted videos coming to YouTube shortly, possibly narrated by 50 Cent). It’s the same thing that happens when you play with tigers (RIP Roy) or dogs once in a while. As I’ve mentioned probably hundreds of times on this blog, I went to the Panda Breeding Center in Chengdu a few years back. Oh yeah, pandas are cute cuddly creatures. No. They are bears. With long sharp claws. And teeth that do nothing but crush bamboo 12 hours a day…and then they sleep. They had these beautiful young Asian girls that would bathe the toddler pandas at the center…and almost all of them had very visible and very defined scars about their face, legs and any other skin that you could see. Why? Because they’re bears with claws & teeth. Even when they’re just playing, they’re bears with claws & teeth. And in keeping with the theme of this entry, you can't go against the Laws of Nature & expect a perfect record. Not until they're extinct, that is. Again, it’s tragic…but not surprising. She did what she loves though. My condolences to her family.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Your future is bright...in bed" - Quite possibly the laziest fortune to date. Your future is bright? Cool. So the sun WILL come out tomorrow? That's great news. That is all.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Two weeks from now I'll be cleaning up my apartment to host my mother for the weekend. In the meantime, we'll see happens. Perhaps my weekend will be filled with matinee-based entertainment...or perhaps something snow-involving...or perhaps nothing of notable merit. We shall see...but I usually find a little something to do. Have a great day everybody!!!