Marathon of Ass Kickin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Here’s just a little catchup on things not directly related to beer in the world…

 

This past weekend, Dizzy & I had a little bit of a “Kick Ass” marathon (since she hadn’t seen the first) and ending with the recent DVD release “Kick Ass 2” starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloe Moretz, CMP (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) & Jim Carrey among others. Basically in the original “Kick Ass”, the story is about a teenager who decides to become a superhero & clean up the mean streets of NYC. Along the way, he gets his ass beat a lot… but he befriends a daddy-daughter duo (Big Daddy & Hit Girl), they teach him some of the ropes, they try to take down a crime boss in the end… they win… but Big Daddy is dead and now Kick Ass & Hit Girl are doing the whole high school angst during the day, crime fighters at night thing as the credits roll. Well, in the sequel, other crime fighters inspired by Kick Ass are coming out of the woodworks… and they form a bit of an alliance. The problem is… that the teenage son of the crime boss who died in the original (CMP) has decided to become the first Supervillain named… The Motherf**ker… and use his apparently limitless wealth to form his own legion of  dastardly villains with one goal in mind… to kill Kick Ass & wipe out any influence that he has (namely killing all his superhero buddies). Also, Hit Girl has sworn to her father figure (dad’s best friend) that she wouldn’t fight crime anymore & is trying to become a typical teenage girl… but of course that’s not going to work out well. What happens? THERE WILL BE BLOOD & VENGEANCE!!! As for the movie, if you liked the first one, you’re probably going to like the sequel… it’s not the best storytelling in the world… it’s based off a comic book, so there’s a little bit of disbelief involved… but overall, I really enjoyed the movie. Yes, as star Jim Carrey mentioned during his comments basically saying that he never wants to work in Hollywood again… it’s really violent & involves teenagers… but yeah, it’s a comic book movie. If you can’t separate that from real life, then you have mental health issues. Luckily… there are places in society where you can… oh wait, never mind. I guess we’re all screwed until that gets taken care of. In the meantime though, I recommend it. It’s not going to win any awards… but it’s a violent action-comedy… that gets a little dark at some points, so be prepared. Here’s the news…

 

Utah Update - A University of Utah student says he paid his tuition bill with 2,000 one-dollar bills as a silent (though obvious publicized) protest against the rising cost of college. Luq Mughal brought a metal case full of greenbacks to the school Tuesday, the deadline for payment. He says he collected the cash from several banks. Mughal tells The Salt Lake Tribune he spends weekends working to pay for his electrical engineering degree (wow… sounds familiar… try doing it during the week as well). The 21-year-old says he gets a discount because his father is a faculty member and acknowledges his situation is far from the worst on campus. Undergraduate in-state tuition rates have more than doubled in Utah over the past 10 years (like everywhere else). Trustees set a 5% tuition hike this year, saying they needed to fund a cost-of-living raise for employees as state funding declines. Look… it’s always been a dream of mine to pay a large bill with a suitcase full of money (probably singles until I reach big baller status) so I like this story for that aspect of it. However, saying that it’s a (silent) statement against the rise of tuition… while at the same time having a discounted tuition… is murky at best. However, I feel your pain (or rather did) and support your decision. Colleges & universities charge more & more every year… because they think they can… and they’re kinda right. There are some benefits to higher learning… but that’s when the cost-benefits analysis comes into play. When the peak is that extra million dollars over your lifetime that you’re going to be making (for Uncle Sam) over your lifetime that’s always advertised… and the low is that college is where you developed your drug habit, impregnated some chick at a party that you legally raped in some states eyes & have crippling debt for the rest of your life while you still can’t find a job… and the alternative is working hard, learning through apprenticeship while doing a day job or at least finding out what it is that you want to do before you commit a sh*t ton of money towards an education… just remember to weigh your options carefully. You hear about all the successes of college dropouts… but it’s because they something more than a piece of paper on their wall… they had a Drive & an Initiative & a Passion for what they do and knew how to get there. College can help you to find yours… but just do a cost-benefit analysis. That’s all I’m saying. Stay in school kids!!! At least while it’s free.

 

Good Deeds Done Hella Expensive – Or you could just be f**king lucky. For example, Montez Jones of Louisville, Kentucky was going about his day as a human billboard, enthusiastically dancing while holding a sign advertising Colbert Ball Tax Service, when he received a huge gift from a passerby. The sign man is dedicated to his job and told WDRB, “I don't care what the weather is, I'm coming to work." Perhaps it’s that devotion that caught the attention of Reverend Kevin Cosby, the President of Simmons College of Kentucky, a small and historically black Bible college. Rev. Cosby was driving by 29-year-old Mr. Jones as he did his job, and stopped to talk to the man. He described Jones as a, "human billboard, gyrating. I mean, totally depersonalized." Jones explained, "A black car just pulled up, and he said, 'Do you know who I am, young man?' I said, 'No sir.'" The stranger than replied, “I am The Devil… and I have a proposition for you.” Okay, no he didn’t. I was just checking to make sure you were reading. The reverend then introduced himself to Montez and offered him a $20,000 full ride scholarship and the opportunity to attend Simmons College. But why extend that offer to Montez Jones? Rev. Cosby said it was to, "Show [Jones] what confidence, hard work, discipline and being around the right environment can do for a person and if he can do it he becomes my example that anyone can be successful." The prospective student’s success could benefit them both, especially with the college anticipating full accreditation from the U.S. Department of Education, within months. Montez said that as a child he dreamed of being a doctor, but his circumstances, "living in the streets," and an arrest ended it. Wait, what was the arrest for? Oh I see, we’re not even going to discuss that part of the story. “With my background, it was over. My dreams were crushed,” said the sign shaker. He’s hopeful and grateful for the sudden opportunity saying, "It's like me being a newborn. Start my life all over again, fresh. Hopefully this might be a good start for me you know what I’m saying. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it and run with it though. I ain't going to let [Rev. Cosby] down." I really do hope that it’s a great start for him into a new life. I like that he got the scholarship because of his attitude but… I mean… publicity stunt aside… why would a reasonable man just be driving down the street & see a guy waving a sign around and say “Hey, you wanna go to college?” “I don’t even know what I would study… and I haven’t studies since the 3^rd grade… which is why I’m spinning this sign.” “Well, what did you want to be in 3^rd grade?” “A doctor… and Spiderman.” “Well, school can probably help with one of those.” “Hmm… Nah… I’m good. Thanks though.” That being said… if he’s got the gumption, then I wish Mr. Jones & Rev. Cosby nothing but the best. It’s not going to be easy… but worst-case, at least he knows the President of the College.

 

Penis Pump Healthcare Scam – Yes, corruption has gone there too. Penis pumps cost the U.S. government's Medicare program $172 million between 2006 and 2011. Why is this possibly a scam? Because that’s about TWICE as much as the consumer would have paid at the RETAIL level (yes, even after doubling plus markup), according to a government watchdog's report released on Monday. The report by the inspector general for the Department of Health and Human Services said Medicare, the government health insurance system for seniors, paid nearly 474,000 claims for vacuum erection systems, or VES, totaling about $172.4 million from 2006 to 2011. Yearly claims for the devices nearly doubled from $20.6 million in 2006 to $38.6 million in 2011. According to the Mayo Clinic, penis pumps are one of a few treatment options for erectile dysfunction. Government waste is a major issue in budget talks in the U.S. capital as lawmakers try to reach agreement on a $1 trillion spending bill. "Medicare payment amounts for VES remain grossly excessive compared with the amounts that non-Medicare payers pay," said the report, dated December 2013. "Medicare currently pays suppliers more than twice as much for VES as the Department of Veterans Affairs and consumers over the Internet pay for these types of devices." If Medicare had adjusted its payments to approximately the price non-Medicare payers pay, the U.S. government would have saved an average of about $14.4 million for each of the six years, the report said. Yup… and that’s JUST for penis pumps… imagine if, God forbid, they should extend those kinds of practices to daily medications and/or vaccinations. "Considering the strain retiring baby boomers will soon be placing on Medicare's budget, shouldn't we be focusing this entitlement program on real, life-saving treatment and equipment to serve the health needs of seniors - instead of subsidizing penis pump purchases?" Ben Domenici of the Heartland Institute think tank said in an email statement. "And to those seniors who really do want one," added Domenech, "just buy it yourself - you don't need to send the bill to your fellow Americans." Well… I’m not entirely sure about that last statement… but do you see where there are MAJOR issues in government… and if something isn’t done, it’s only going to get worse. Do you think the DOUBLE RETAIL prices (so something like 6-8 times cost of production) is just going towards mailing, processing, and all that? Or medications that costs about 10,000 times the cost of production? Hell no. Somebody getting f**king RICH off that… because they have a buddy in the system… who’s also getting f**king RICH. “I scratch your back, you scratch mine. What’re they going to do? Fire us? Please… those sheeple just want to live & get boners… and they want to continue to do so… they’ll pay OUR prices & fill OUR pockets for the privilege.” Now, I know that’s probably not an EXACT transcript from a conversation over a few cognacs… but yeah, that’s what’s happening… and we’re letting it happen. Just my PSA for the day… hidden in a story about penis pumps.

 

So yeah… that’s about it for this issue I think. Lots of good things coming up this week so do yourself a favor & subscribe to this blog (or friend it or whatever the term is) and these updates can be sent directly to your email or phone or really anything so that it’s quick, easy, convenient & of course entertaining. While you’re at it… sign up for Terrible Lizard Brewing too!!! It’s all the beer-related things from this blog… and so much more. Have a great day everybody!!!

High Brow Entertainment

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, it’s been a pretty standard week thus far. I’ve been trying to avoid getting sick since all of my coworkers insist on working so that everybody can share in their misery… but hey, that’s Corporate America. What’s that? Oh you even have paid time off for sickness & you still show up to work because you have to use that time for other things like hair appointments or random days off? So be it. I can understand. I don’t agree… but I understand the concept. That being said, still like my job & am proud to put in a good day’s work.

Dizzy did something AWESOME the other day!!! She assisted her local microbrewery in brewing up a Double RyePA. She was there by 5:30 AM and… well, I don’t even really have all of the details yet… but I’m sure that she’ll elaborate about it in a future post on our beer blog. What’s that? Oh, you didn’t even know that we HAD a beer blog? How is that possible? I feel like I’ve mentioned it a few times back when we first opened it up… but regardless, the link is below. Please feel free to check it out & Like it or Friend it or whatever so that you get those interesting updates.

Terrible Lizard Brewing at:

http://terriblelizardbrewing.blogspot.com  

Just to elaborate on this blog again (because I’d like some viewership), basically it’s a blog about our adventures in beer. Whether it’s our homebrewing (about to start batch #7 this weekend), books that we’ve heard on the subject, documentaries that we’ve seen, touring large scale breweries, patronizing local establishments, attending festivals & events, all centered around the subject of Beer & Beermaking. We find it interesting… and I kinda think that you will too. If not, it’s probably only because of my piss-poor storytelling abilities… and I’m trying to work on that. I’m always up for suggestions.

Last night, Dizzy & I watched a Netflix movie called “Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury” starring Kevin Sorbo, Danny Trejo… and a host of other great cameos by forgotten stars like Brian Callen, Gary Valentine & even the great Richard Karn (Al from “Home Improvement”). Now, the premise of the movie is pretty ridiculous… so that’s what drew me to it initially… but it’s even better. See… the movie is unfolded as if it were a director’s cut kind of storytelling about the making of the film… as told by the eccentric award-winning, one-eyed possibly maniacal director Saint James St. James (the St. stands for Street). He unfolds his film that… previously was too controversial and too thought-provoking for audiences, so the MPAA denied his distribution or ability for it to be shown in theatres back when it was made in 1990… but luckily, there’s still one surviving VHS tape of the sequel “Poolboy 2: Drowning Out the Fury” as the original was destroyed. Well, “exactly like the Matrix”, you don’t need to see the original to miss out on the story of the sequel… so the story goes. His film is about a Vietnam vet named Sal Bando (Sorbo) who after a traumatic experience, returns home to Los Angeles to find that Mexicans have taken over the pool-cleaning industry… and one has been banging his wife. Well, he doesn’t take kindly to it… and wants to clean up the streets (basically in the most racially insensitive way possible by killing all of the Mexicans in the neighborhood). The kingpin of the pool-cleaning and landscaping cartel (Trejo) finds out… and vows to end this “Poolboy” hero. However… Sal soon finds out… that it’s much DEEPER and more DANGEROUS than he could have possibly imagined. Gripping story, right? Well… it’s obviously a farce… kinda of a National Lampoon’s version of “First Blood” but… with a LOT more ethnic jokes. I highly recommend it as it’s an ode to the horrible cheesy action movies of the 80’s and early 90’s that we all love… but yeah, it’s not going to win any awards… good to see “Hercules”, “Machete” and Al from “Home Improvement” getting work… and I assume if it catches on that the Hispanic community will be up in arms… but until then, enjoy the hell out of it. I personally thought that the director Saint James St. James with his concise delivery & unfathomable ego… connecting with me on a personal level. Go check it out!

Wednesday night I watched another Netflix movie recommended to me by The Wingman called “American Mary” starring Katharine Isabella in the title role of Mary. The story is about a medical student who is going to school to become a surgeon… but while trying to get a new job to pay for it… and kinda stumbling into a somewhat seedy underworld of keeping “roughed-up” guys from not dying… and then into the lucrative world of body modifications… and then being drugged & raped by her professor, she drops the med school thing and basically goes rogue by getting revenge on her professor… and making a LOT of money in the bod mod game. Well, the cops get wind of her from another surgeon rapist (apparently they have big parties like that because they’re surgeons) and the walls are closing in. What’s she to do? They REALLY try to play the whole “girl next door who just wanted to be a surgeon but got swept up in this craziness” and… there was even some poor humor thrown in but… it’s really dark, there’s a lot of extended scenes of surgeries (think “Nip/Tuck” but for about a three-minute montage & more blood as opposed to the 15-second TV ones on that show), some fairly gruesome violent and/or sexual acts though a few things implied, WILD inconsistencies, a LOT of F-bombs given by the professor in class & everybody else in the show for… really no constructive reason other than questionable dialogue, the lead actress is very cute but… not the best actress in the world. I don’t know, I didn’t care for it really. I get that it’s an independent flick and the lines between good & evil are supposed to be blurry (except that all surgeons are serial killing rapists in lab coats apparently) and it wasn’t horrible… but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone really. Now for some news…

 

Speaking of Shit… - A critic of President Francois Hollande and France's ruling elite literally dumped tons of horse manure in front of the national parliament building in Paris on Thursday in a pungent protest against French politics. I like it. "Out with Hollande and the entire political class. Long live the Sixth Republic," read a message on the side of the man's articulated truck. France's present-day Fifth Republic was founded in 1958 with Charles de Gaulle its first president. “The Sixth Republic” is probably some independent French movie coming in the Spring with a lot of pretention & unkempt genital hair… or maybe that’s “The Sixth Re-pubic”. Anyway, the unnamed perpetrator was detained by police before he was able to shed all of his truckload of dung at the steps of the Bourbon Palace, the building that houses the lower house of parliament on the edge of the Seine river in downtown Paris, witnesses said. Authorities began a mass clear-up operation. Hollande, hit by magazine allegations of a love affair with an actress and battling to restore the fortunes of Europe's second-largest economy, has the lowest popularity ratings of any leader in modern-day France. Ah… remember the days when banging a superhot Fritalian model-actress like Carla Bruni while married to somebody else while elected to a public office was not only acceptable, but basically expected? Ah, but it’s no longer 2007 everybody, it’s 2014. What’s that? Oh, the rumor is that former French President Serkozy & Ms. Bruni met shortly after his divorce in 2007? Well, the important thing is that YOU believe that. Still, I like the leaving of horse sh*t on the steps of parliament. Good show, Froggie!

Farming with Urine – Yes, we’re keeping it high-brow on this blog apparently. The Rich Earth Institute (REI) in Battleboro, Vt., is investigating whether human urine can replace chemical fertilizers. We first learned of the technique over at Modern Farmer. The project, which has enlisted well over 100 volunteers to donate their urine, aims to determine if "essential plant nutrients" found in urine, such as nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium, will work as a kind of all-natural fertilizer. It's not as unusual as you might think. Modern Farmer explains that, "Across the Atlantic, studies have long established urine as a powerful fertilizer." The article goes on to cite a study done by the Stockholm Water Company. Via Modern Farmer:

A study conducted by the Stockholm Water Company in the late 1990s diverted urine from four housing projects to a grain farmer outside the city. The scientists concluded not only that urine could replace quick-acting mineral fertilizers, but also calculated that one Northern European adult pees enough plant nutrients to grow 50 to 100 percent of the food requirement for another person. Other successful trials have taken place in China and Mexico, though none as detailed as the Swedish one.

Regardless of the tone of that news clip sounding like a Northern European is peeing on somebody else’s food, I like the sound of those results. National Geographic spoke with researcher Debendra Shrestha of Tribhuvan University in Kathmandu, Nepal, who said that Nepalese farmers have been using human urine on crops for centuries. But does it work? According to National Geographic, it did for Shrestha. Ugh… okay? Well, if it works for… him? Her? Not sure what sex a Debendra is but it sounds feminine. After conducting an experiment that featured sweet peppers grown in soil with different combinations of urine, compost, and urea ― "the main nitrogen-containing chemical in human urine" ― the researchers found that plants grown in soil that "had a combination of human urine and compost grew the tallest, yielded the most peppers, and had the most total fruit weight per plant." That study's results were published in Scientia Horticulturae. Another study investigated the effect that urine and ash had on growing beets. The researchers found that "urine with or without ash can increase the yield of red beet and furthermore the microbial quality and chemical quality were similar to the situation in mineral-fertilized products." Yet another study that focused on tomatoes found similar results. Still, there are questions. As Modern Farmer notes, traces of pharmaceuticals that can show up in urine are also being studied by REI, with the help of two universities… which kinda makes sense, but yeah… I like the results of that. So… go out and pee on somebody’s garden… and if they give you any guff, simply reply with “You’re welcome!!!” Go Green everybody… and I guess Yellow!!!

Death By Wedgie - A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an "atomic wedgie," that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear. First, let that sink in for… just a moment. Okay, I’ll continue. Brad Lee Davis (not to be confused with Bradley Davis) was charged with murder in the death of 58-year-old Denver St. Clair in a drunken family fight at a residence just east of Oklahoma City, the Pottawatomie County Sheriff's Office said in an arrest affidavit obtained on Wednesday. Police arrested Davis on Tuesday. The affidavit said he "grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.' Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck." Oklahoma Medical Examiner spokeswoman Amy Elliott said the cause of death was asphyxiation and blunt force trauma (ugh… wait, what was the 2nd one?). Pottawatomie County Sheriff Deputy Travis Palmer said Davis and St. Clair were drinking beer (my guess is a 24-pack of Coors?) on the night of December 21st at the older man's residence when St. Clair began speaking ill about his wife, who is Davis' mother. One should know that you don’t speak ill about another man’s mama… especially when you’re both drunken rednecks and he’s a quarter-century younger than you. Investigators said St. Clair's elastic waistband was stretched over his head and that it left ligature marks around his neck. Blood splatter was also found in the kitchen, the living room and on the living room ceiling. See? This is where the blunt force trauma thing comes in. Either the wedgie was applied… and then while strangled by his own underwear’s (apparently superstrong) elastic band, he was then bludgeoned by Mr. Davis… or because he was being strangled by his own elastic band, Mr. St. Clair overreacted to the situation… in a drunken stupor… and on the way to the kitchen to grab a knife or something to cut the band… slipped and banged his head on the linoleum (I’m just guessing marble was out of their price range) and boom… blunt force trauma. Will anyone ever really know what happened? Probably not… especially since the only witnesses are the accused & his mother… who apparently was spoken ill of by the departed. Anyway, Davis was being held in Pottawatomie County without bond. His lawyer was not immediately available for comment. Please drink responsibly… especially on that cheap sh*t.

Amsterdam Update – Here’s an interesting idea that’s being partially funded by the Dutch government. The BBC reports that alcoholics are, “being paid in beer to clean the streets of Amsterdam.” For five hours of work, those who have signed on to help clean up the streets get five cans of beer and receive €10 ($13.50). The program is run by De Regenboog Groep (The Rainbow Group), an organization that aims to help those with, “…social problems, the homeless, the poor, drug users and those with psychiatric problems. The organization provides shelter, relief and aid to people in the margins of society.” They see their litter program as, as the BBC put it, a more pragmatic approach. Janet van de Noord, who runs the program, told the BBC, "It's quite difficult to get these people off the alcohol completely. We have tried everything else. Now this is the only thing that works. We might not make them better, but we are giving them a better quality of life and it's better for the neighborhood, they're giving something back to society." There has been already been a noticeable difference in Oosterpark, a large park in Amsterdam in which many alcoholics have resided. The BBC writes that since The Rainbow Group started their efforts, there have been fewer reports of violent crimes and the park is largely litter free. Rene, a 52-year-old man, is one of 20 alcoholics who are participating. He freely admits that the draw is the free beer and doesn’t seem to be close to sobering up, yet he is happy that he is contributing to society. He told the British news station, “They used to treat us like garbage - and now we are picking up their garbage, we are not the garbage anymore.” I personally really like this idea. I’m sure human rights & addiction groups will have their problems with it as it’s not really a solution to the big problem… but at least it’s a solution. When the alternative is them begging for change or committing violent acts to get their beer, then I prefer the idea of giving them a six-pack (or I guess five-pack? Do they take one for themselves?) and a couple Euros for half a day’s work.



Hmm… I wonder if we could get Budweiser to sponsor a program like this here in San Francisco. God knows we have the homeless… damn temperate weather & apparently non-violent working class. I mean… let’s face it, in Los Angeles the cops can beat a homeless man to death on video and be quickly acquitted & almost completely slide under the national radar (as long as the homeless man is of Caucasian descent, but that’s another thing) so it’s either work programs like this into the system… or we have to have SFPD start cracking some heads. Hmm… speaking of crack… if the Budweiser sponsorship doesn’t work out… maybe crack will be the cheap alternative. Damn… I’ve got some great ideas. I should run for office.

Reporter: “Mayor Love, your ‘Filling In the Cracks’ clean-up campaign has caused a lot of controversy. While the results are unquestionable in San Francisco being voted yet again as the Greenest Big City in America, some would question your methods in that you’re using the addictions of others, namely the homeless, to your benefit. What is your response to that?”

Mayor Love: “It’s not MY benefit… it’s OUR benefit, as a community. You see… until we find a solution to the addictions that these people are afflicted with… or they find the ability in themselves to overcome these problems, then I personally like the opportunity to give them a helping hand… and the city is safer because of it.”

Reporter: “Don’t you think that’s more of a direct result of your ‘Crack Down on Crime’ campaign where individuals found selling crack-cocaine outside of a designated work-release center are bludgeoned by the fire department?”

Mayor Love: “Crime is down. Our firefighters are fit & active. Heck, no major fires in the past six months. I can’t take all the credit, it’s mostly today’s technology but… ah heck, you’re welcome everybody!”

Reporter: “And there’s still the controversy concerning the shutdown of one lane on the Golden Gate Bridge… and the email trail between you & one of your top advisors that clearly implicates…”

Mayor Love: “As I’ve told you before… if the unions would’ve headed my warnings about bullsh*tting a bullsh*tter, then it wouldn’t have been an issue. They didn’t play ball… so take it up with them. On another note… HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE? There’s ALWAYS lanes closed… for absolutely no reason… at all. We have an entire multi-billion dollar two-mile stretch of bridge… sitting about 50 yards parallel to a new multi-billion two-mile stretch of bridge… that goes to THE EXACT SAME F**KING SPOT! Fun fact… we’re not using one of those stretches… six lanes each way… and traffic is ridiculous… why? Because we have millions of people in dozens of square miles. You think people move through tubes like they’re in Futurama? Does anybody have any real questions? By the way, is everybody enjoying their beverages? That’s a bourbon barrel porter that I made partnering up with Anchor Steam… it hits shelves on the new city holiday, Love Day, April 26th. THAT should be your lead story. Peace, I’m out…” Drops the mic & walks away…



Yup… Tom Ford & Chris Christie ain’t got sh*t on me. Have a great day everybody!!!

Daily Fuggle Redactions

d Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

How about some more news? Since I don’t have a lot of exciting stuff going on in my world just this moment...

 

My Kind of Coach - It may be the Preseason WNIT semifinals, but the first round is on Louisville coach Jeff Walz, who said he will buy the first 2,500 beers for of-age fans who attend the No. 5 Cardinals' game against No. 14 LSU on Thursday night. Walz's bar tab will come to $5,000. Assistant sports information director Kim Pemberton told ESPN.com on Wednesday that the promotion will take place and that Walz is paying for the beer with his own money. Fans with proper ID will get a voucher for one beer, which they can get at concession stands. "I tried that once in college, but I only got up to about 400 [people]," Walz joked to the Louisville Courier-Journal. "But no, no, no, I've never done that." The Cardinals' basketball facility -- the KFC Yum! Center -- is off campus, and beer is normally sold there for all games. The school said there are no NCAA compliance issues. "We're just trying to have a little bit of a good time here at the ballgame," Walz told the Courier-Journal. "Make sure you have a designated driver if you want to come and have a few of them. It's a little way to say thanks to all our adults who come and support us, and we're just trying to get some of our fans who haven't come out to come on out one time and get a drink and enjoy the ballgame and hopefully grab the attention of a few more fans." Amy Morgan, Louisville's assistant athletic director for marketing, told the paper that the promotion was Walz's idea. "It shows his commitment to the program and his desire to grow the program and expose as many fans as possible to their play on the court," she said. Two things. First, great idea coach! Were I within a thousand miles of Kentucky, I’d definitely consider coming to see the game. Secondly, wait… is that $2 per beer? Have I really been in San Francisco that long where that sounds like an absolutely STEAL??? Here, if you find $5 beer, you’ve basically found your bastion for nights out on the town… but then again, I’ve become a bit of a beer snob. Still though… like PBR is $3 happy hour specials and stuff like that. Hence… why I’m starting to make my own… and then perhaps sell some down the road once I have an established business… but yeah… great promotion coach! I hope it works out for you & the Lady Cardinals!

 

Toronto Mayor - Toronto's embattled mayor, Rob Ford, insisted on Wednesday he has zero tolerance for drugs and gangs, but also admitted he has bought illegal drugs in the past two years. Let that sink in for a moment. Speaking at a City Council meeting during which members almost unanimously urged him to take a break from his job, Ford said he cannot change his past actions, which include acknowledged use of crack cocaine. But he asserted his intention to continue to work as mayor so he can carry out his promise to save money for Toronto taxpayers. Asked if he had bought illegal drugs in the past two years, he replied somberly: "Yes, I have." Ford, elected in 2010 on a promise to end the City Hall "gravy train", admitted last week that he had smoked crack cocaine in "one of my drunken stupors". Wednesday's call for him to step aside came in council's first meeting since that admission. "Our city's reputation has been damaged and continues to suffer," City Councillor Jaye Robinson read from a non binding petition signed by 30 of the city's 44 councilors, and passed by a vote of 41 to two. "Together we stand to ask you to step aside and take a leave of absence to address your challenges privately outside of the public eye." Right, like that’ll happen now. Councilors will vote later on a separate motion that asks Ford both to take a leave of absence and to apologize for "misleading" Toronto residents… by telling the truth? Council has no power to force the mayor to step down or take a break unless he is convicted of a crime, and Ford insists he has no plans to go, or to seek treatment. "I am not an addict of any sort, so I am not quite sure why you are saying that I need help," he told councilors during an hour-long grilling that centered on his fitness to remain the city's chief magistrate… by the way, at the taxpayer’s expense since we (the royal hypothetical we of Canada) are paying taxes. "I can understand how people would perceive my behavior. The reason I drank or did drugs was not because of stress, it was out of sheer stupidity. That's all it was." As the questions continued, hundreds of protesters gathered outside City Hall, many of them calling on Ford to step down… while millions continued with their daily lives. An Ipsos-Reid poll conducted for several TV and radio stations showed that 76% of Toronto voters think Ford should step down or take a leave of absence, while only 24% agreed with Ford's insistence on staying in his job… but these are among people who didn’t insist they were on a no-call list & to never call them with surveys.  The scandal of the crack-smoking mayor broke six months ago, when the Toronto Star newspaper and media blog Gawker said they had been shown a video of the mayor smoking crack, an allegation that Ford spent six months denying. Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair has since confirmed the video exists, and Ford admitted earlier this month that he had indeed smoked crack. The events brought back memories of the scandal that enveloped former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry after he was filmed smoking crack in 1990 (and reelected a few years later, ‘MERICA!!!). Ford's admission has made him the target of late night-talk show jokes and put the international media interest on Toronto, including extensive coverage of Wednesday's City Hall debate on U.S. networks. Asked on Wednesday if more embarrassing revelations could come, Ford said: "As far as I know... you don't know if people are videoing this or doing that. I don't know what's out there right now. But everything that I'm aware of is out there." Last week, the Star bought a separate video that showed Ford in an expletive-laden rant, making threats to unspecified persons and pounding his hands together. Ford apologized and admitted he was "extremely inebriated". But more information is likely. A Superior Court judge on Wednesday ordered the release of more details from a police investigation that resulted in drug-trafficking and extortion charges against Ford's friend and part-time driver Sandro Lisi. A heavily redacted 474-page file was released two weeks ago and showed police had had the mayor under close surveillance for months, and had recorded numerous meetings with Lisi in parks and other venues. The judge ruled on Wednesday that some of the redacted portions be revealed. Ford said on Wednesday that his lawyer had advised him not to cooperate with police investigations. So… yeah, Toronto’s mayor may be in a bit of hot water… but whatever. The real question is… Is he doing his job? Or rather, was he doing his job well before all this came out & he spent 90% of his day answering reporter’s f**king questions & the other 10% eating ham & smoking crack? What are the results? Do we ever really hold our public officials responsible for their results? If you just spent your entire time at work going around & shaking hands & kissing babies when you were supposed to be helping the economy, infrastructure, schools, etc… wouldn’t you be fired? Yes… maybe if you were smoking crack on the job, that’s usually pretty quick case for HR… but if that’s it, then kick him out… and any other official whose doing this stuff. If not, or there’s no protocol for it, then shut the f**k up & let him do his job. He obviously has work to do in helping run the capital of Canada. “Ey hoser, the capital of Canada is Ottawa, eh!” And the capital of California is Sacramento but who gives a flying f**k??? My point still stands.

 

Navajo Bronze? Burnt Injun? – Two of my favorite things to talk about in this one… Marketing Strategies… and alleged racism. Club Sun Color Studios, a tanning salon based in Alabama raised controversy by posting an ad on its Facebook page promoting a Thanksgiving tanning special they were running. As reported by WPMI Local 15, the ad many find offensive shows a brunette woman dressed in a Native American costume next to a blonde woman with lighter skin dressed in a pilgrim costume. It reads: “The Indians brought more than just ‘corn’ to the first Thanksgiving…they brought Sexy ‘Color!’”

Club Sun Color Studios' controversial Facebook ad

 

I’m not exactly sure why the word ‘corn’ is in quotes, but Club Sun representatives stated that they did not mean to offend the public with their sunless spray tan advertisement. David Arnett, Marketing Director of Club Sun apologized for the ad and said, “I myself am Native American, and I am very proud of my heritage and skin tone. The thought process behind the ad was simply a play on my own ‘sexy color.' Again, I apologize for any offense and misunderstanding." Wait, David Arnett? I’m going to have to Google whether he’s really Native American or not. If so… Alabama? Tanning Salon? Really? Anyway, the ad is now gone from the Club Sun Color Studios Facebook page (yet all over the internet somehow… hmmm… maybe he really is a marketing director). WPMI asked Mobile, Alabama resident Ebony Monigan what she thought about controversy and she said, "Whether he's a Native American, the words still offend people." The station also spoke to Club Sun’s Vice President of Sales, Larry Andrews who said that the message was simply on an “Innocent in-house flyer,” adding, "I think this day and time people look for something to complain about and something to, to stir, stir the pot. I mean, if they would look for more positive things in life we'd have a much better Thanksgiving and holiday season." Despite that statement, Club Sun representatives said that they would be cautious about future ads. Probably a good plan… then again, it’s making the rounds on the website… and I guess they have a point, no matter how offensive it may be… a little melanin tends to give a sexy tone.

 

HOW Is This Surprising? - A two-year-old girl has been severely burned in suburban Atlanta in a freak accident after gasoline poured on an outdoor slide to make it slicker ignited from static electricity, police said on Tuesday. The toddler and her four-year-old sister were playing on a swing set on Saturday when the gasoline was put on the slide (WHAT?), said Keith Brooks, chief deputy of the Walton County Sheriff's Office. Investigators do not know which of the two siblings poured the gasoline (Wait, WHAT??? A 2 year old or a 4 year old poured the gasoline???) but determined, after finding no other ignition source, that static electricity sparked the blaze, Brooks said. "This was a freak accident. It's definitely strange that something like this would happen." ARE YOU F**KING INSANE??? It’s strange… that gasoline would ignite? HOW??? The two-year-old was flown by helicopter to a hospital in Atlanta and put into a medically induced coma to help her cope with the pain from her critical injuries, Brook said. Grady Health System, the hospital where she was taken, declined to comment on her condition on Tuesday. No charges are expected to be filed, the chief deputy said. Sigh… it’s tragic… it’s certainly tragic but… is this a thing? Does this happen at kids parks all over America & I just don’t know about it? “Well $teve, a gallon of gasoline only costs about $4 & it decreases viscosity on the slide so that you can go quicker… like a water slide.” Doesn’t water cost like… five cents a gallon? “Well yeah but… gasoline is much more slickerier… and water evaporates too quickly here in Georgia.” Uh-huh… so because water evaporates faster… and don’t get it twisted, gasoline evaporates too… and it’s vapor is highly explosive… but because water evaporates, you pour highly flammable gasoline on a children’s plaything so that they can slide down at a faster velocity? “Yes’r.” Okay, well… I guess if an adult is handling the gasoline then it’s… “Oh no s’r… the kids tend to handle that all by themselves.” (stunned silence) “I said the kids tend to…” I F**KING HEARD YA!!! Not sure what to say about this story other than to pose a question. We’re smart, right? Human beings? We’re capable of incredible things, right? Highly intelligent & all that? Just checkin’…

 

Batman Update - A Singaporean man with an unusual superhero-like name turned out to be a villain who consumed drugs and stole from his brother. Batman bin Suparman, which means Batman son of Suparman in the Malay language, was jailed on Monday for two years and nine months for various offences including stealing his brother's automated teller machine card to make withdrawals, media reported. The 23-year-old unemployed man had also broken into the office of a firm in western Singapore to steal money and taken heroin. Batman, who has his own fan club on Facebook, became a social media sensation after an image of his identity card with his unusual name was circulated online. You’ve all seen it. Keep your eyes out for a Tosh.0 Web Redemption down the road… I’m guessing at Six Flags over Singapore or something with the DC Comic characters involved in an intervention. It could happen. Stay away from heroin kids… it can even turn Batman and/or Superman into a pitiful being turnin’ tricks to get their next fix. Hmm… I think I just had an idea for an interesting spin-off… The Dark Knight Sniffs starring a coked-out Bruce Wayne. Patent pending.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight. Have a great day everybody!!!

Vote Love August 4th!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GETTIN’ DOWN ON FRIDAY!!! LOOKIN FORWARD… TO THE WEEEKEEEEND!!! PARTYING, PARTYING YEAH!!! PARTYING, PARTYING YEAAAAAH!!! FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN… Yes ladies & gentlemen, it’s the weekend. Huzzah & hurray! A week from now, I’ll be back in the land that birthed me… the Beehive state… the State of Deseret… Life Elevated… Mormon Mecca… yes, UTAH!!! It should be fun… but that’s next weekend… and this weekend includes retirement parties, great temperate weather, and let’s face it… we’re lucky to be alive!!! Now without further adieu, let’s get this thing started…

 

NBA 2K13 Update: The Milwaukee Bucks have now won TWO consecutive NBA Championships after we beat the Heat in the Eastern finals in five games (game one was ridiculous, up 13 going into the 4^th, inbounder would literally hand them the ball when he wasn’t throwing it directly out of bounds, they couldn’t miss, we couldn’t make, continued into overtime, still only lost by 3) and then swept the Phoenix Suns in the Finals. Yes, ladies & gentlemen, the Phoenix Suns & Milwaukee Bucks played each other in the simulated 2014 NBA Finals… and they even had pretty much the same rosters with the exception of me… and you were scared that it might be Spurs & Pacers in real life just last month. The intense matchups of Jared Dudley vs. Ersan Ilyasova… certainly household names (though they kinda should be, they’re great role players). Oh, I won the Finals MVP… here are some pictures from my visit to the White House… I’m the white guy behind Obama & far stage left… hmm... same suit as the style magazine... who dresses me?

 

Apparently they exercised a third year option on my rookie contract (that I never got to negotiate) so I’ll probably be leading them to a three-peat. The ball hogs (Ellis & Jennings) are still on the team doing their thing… but I’m learning the tricks to get the ball from them at least once in a while… and try to rack up assists as well. Basically a handful of games into the season, I’m averaging nearly twice the points that 2^nd in the league is… so I think I’ve figured out how to get the MVP awards, etc now. We shall see. Also… guess who’s the new cover boy for NBA 2K14???

 

...and Sports Illustrated for Kids talking 'bout FEAR!!!

...and on Jordan billboards

Apparently in this universe, Chris Paul is with the Cavs

& Carmelo went to the Suns AFTER the lost to us in the FInals

 

Small Town Mayor – Supporters of the mayor in the tiny tourist town of Dorset, Minnesota can stuff the ballot box all they want as he seeks re-election. The mayor (a short guy) is known for his fondness of ice cream and fishing. And he's got the county's top law enforcement official in his pocket. Say hello to Mayor Robert "Bobby" Tufts. He's 4 years old and not even in school yet. Bobby was only 3 when he won the election last year as mayor of Dorset (population 22 to 28, depending on whether the minister and his family are in town). Dorset, which bills itself as the Restaurant Capital of the World, has no formal city government (or claim to the title they’ve bestowed upon themselves obviously). Every year the town draws a name during its Taste of Dorset Festival, and the winner gets to be mayor. Anyone can vote as many times as they like — for $1 a vote — at any of the ballot boxes in stores around town. Bobby is running for a second term, and he gets to draw the winning name August 4^th, so it's possible he could draw his own name. God I love politics… and the lottery… and this is their bastard child. Calls of "Mr. Mayor" greet Bobby as he strolls around Dorset, handing out his campaign card. One side shows Bobby, his dark hair slicked down, wearing his tan fishing vest over a suit jacket. The other side shows Bobby sitting in a porch swing with his girlfriend, Sophie. "I would love to be your Mayor as much as I love Sophie," the card reads. "He's been pretty good. Lotta PR for the town," said his mother, Emma Tufts, 34. "I think he's doing a fine job."

 

Bobby's job as mayor is to greet people as they come to Dorset, located among the pines and lakes of northern Minnesota about 150 miles northwest of Minneapolis. Resorts and tourism are the main industry, and restaurants ranging from Mexican to Italian to family style line about two blocks on either side of the highway that runs through the middle of town. Bobby's major act as mayor so far has been to make ice cream the top of the food pyramid. He has many favorite flavors. "Chocolate. And vanilla. Strawberry. Cotton candy kind. And rainbow sherbet," said the mayor. On a recent steamy summer morning, Bobby skipped ahead as he led a group of about 20 children and adults on a walk on the Heartland Trail to raise money for Ronald McDonald House Charities of the Red River Valley in Fargo, N.D. He wore his signature black fedora, adorned with fishing lures and a large button with his photo, and seemed endlessly energetic. "I think he's a cute little bugger and I think a lot of people share the same, you know, opinion as me, and it's neat," Hubbard County Sheriff Cory Aukes says (not sure if Cory is male or female). "You know, how often do you see a little kid like that who's — call 'em camera-friendly or whatever, you know — he's got a very good little personality, and he's not afraid to show it. So I think it's great."

 

Well Mr. Mayor, your f**king days are numbered! I don’t know about you… but in MY America, you can’t BUY VOTES!!! Votes are determined by the people… and tallied… not drawn out of a hat like a rigged lottery (looking at you, David Stern!) by the very hand of who it determines. Worse yet… you promote your horrible diet to children of all ages. ICE CREAM? Clogging arteries with empty calories from fat? Business cards showing you living in sin with your girlfriend? And fishing while on the job claiming to run your city? Well, I may not have the experience of being “mayor” as you do… but I’ve got hair on my chest (and sack) and a lot more experience at LIFE and balancing a budget… not suckling at the teet of my parents while everybody else in my community are forced to work as dishwashers & waitresses for minimum wage just get by. Citizens of Dorset! You no longer have to live under this charismatic dictator’s rule! Hope is on the way… Love is on the way… and Hell’s coming with him!!! Vote Love August 4^th!!!

 

 

Seriously though, I really do want to challenge a 4-year old to a political debate for the mayor of a small town that I’ve never been to. I feel like it would be an interesting inspection of the political process.

 

Love: “My fellow candidate Mr. Robert ‘Bobby’ HUSSEIN Tufts… believes that dinosaurs & dragons… are real. Meanwhile, my dedicated team of scientists & I are hard (bang) at (bang) work (bang) MAKING (bang) THEM (bang) A REALITY!!! Through Science!!!”

Tufts: “What’s science?”

Love: “DID YOU HEAR THAT, ladies & gentlemen? Mr. Tufts doesn’t even know… what science is… surely, spending too much time on the lake fishing for dollars to buy votes… or laaaaaazing about with his girlfriend… who by the way, records will show… IS AN UNDERAGE MINOR!!!”

Tufts: “What’s a minor?”

Love: “Either it’s somebody who digs for precious minerals… or somebody that is not of age in GOD-FEARING society!!! Sophie is a sweet little lady… but too young to be in cahoots with a political figure such as yourself.”

Tufts: “You have a girlfriend. I met her at the lake. Her name is Dizzy and she’s pretty and made me a sandwich and taught me how to draw a kitty and she…”

Love: “Yes, but she is of LEGAL AGE!!! Citizens of Dorset, is this the man… nah, CHILD that you want running your city? Diddlying the whole day long with minors? Can’t even shave nor vote? No experience?”

Reporter: “But Mr. Love, you don’t have any prior experience eith…”

Love: “I ASK YOU!!! Nay, I PLEAD with you… help me kind this child molester from representing YOU!!! Vote Love August 4^th! Thank you! Praise Christ!”

 

For years I’ve wanted to run for an office… almost as a gaff. You know, have a camera crew around me for “behind the scenes” stuff too where it’s abundantly transparent that I don’t really have a stance or a plan… other than to make the other person uncomfortable & explain their stance or plan. Alternatively, there’s also the idea that I would actually have a stance & plan… but still call out bullsh*t against my poor opponents who are just pretty faces… and maybe throw in a couple random movie quotes or song lyrics off the fly to try to get a rise out of people & the interwebs. Any publicity is good publicity, right?

 

Motown Morons – A Detroit man driving an armor-plated military-type vehicle and firing what appeared to be a machine gun mounted on top caused a ripple of panic on the Fourth of July. It turned out the weapon was a modified World War II .50-caliber machine gun that had been converted to fire compressed gas. It produced bright flashes and loud gunfire sounds as the driver, a man in his 40s, drove around Shelby Township. Recordings of a series of 911 calls capture the fear of residents whose reports of the imposing sight sent officers swarming late Thursday. In one call, bangs similar to the sound of gunshots can be heard (I’m assuming along with cries of “WOOHOO AMERICA!!! F**K YEAH!!!”). Police say they arrested the driver and confiscated his vehicle. He was released Friday. Charges are pending. The real question though… is when’s police auction for that vehicle? There’s a thin line between Patriotism & Stupidity… and apparently it’s located about ten miles outside of Shelby Township, Michigan. As cool as it sounds to do something like that… just remember that people get shot all the time for just walking around with Skittles, so driving an armored car with a 50-cal machine gun could draw some REAL enemy fire. Sad thing is… had I access to an armor plated vehicle with a 50-cal… I’d probably done the same thing. Praise Christ!

  

Apocalypse Update - Australian police were mystified by a chaotic crime scene including a hole in the ceiling and a smelly pool of vomit-like liquid… until they found the culprit was a 5.7-meter (19-foot) python. The massive snake weighing in at 17 kilograms (37 pounds) was captured a day after a suspected burglary was reported at a charity store in Queensland in northeastern Australia. "Its head was the size of a small dog," Police Sgt. Don Auld said Wednesday. Before they found the python, investigators' working theory was that a human burglar with an appetite for destruction (and a serious illness) had gone on a rampage inside the St. Vincent de Paul store in the small town of Ingham. "We thought a person had fallen through the ceiling because the roof panel was cut in half," Auld said. "When they've hit the floor, they've vomited and then staggered and fallen over. That's what we thought anyway." Police now suspect the python entered the store through the roof, which was damaged in a cyclone two years ago. The animal then plummeted through the ceiling, knocking over dishes, clothes and other items, before relieving itself on the floor. It somehow managed to hide from officials until staff spotted it lying alongside a wall the next day. A local snake catcher was called in to capture the reptile, which has been relocated to nearby wetlands. That’s right… they’re climbing walls & coming in through the ceiling now… like f**king cat burglars… and apparently can swallow small dogs whole if they wanted. Why would this python attack an Australian thrift shop? Perhaps to find some sheets & socks to prepare for the cold battle during the Winter of our Discontent… The Final Battle… They’ve attacked us at Land & Sea for years, then took to the skies aboard (mutha f**kin’) aircraft… and soon they’ll be parachuting down around us… perhaps joining forces with other animal hordes… and even Michael Bay’s CGI explosions won’t be able to save us!!! Get me the rednecks with the 50-cal machine guns!!! It’s ON!!!

 

Anyway, that should do it for today’s rants about a parallel basketball universe, signs of the Apocalypse in Detroit & Australia, and verbally berating a 4-year old for my own amusement. It’s been grand. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Topless Gangster Party in Davos

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, Nurse & I woke up a little early and met up with her friends for an adventure in Vacaville – Midway Paintballing. Now the complex is located about an hour outside of the City, and is just off the freeway in a field in a small town next to an RV park… but don’t get it twisted, it’s actually a pretty fine establishment and I’m sure it makes some good money. They have several different arenas to choose from for a range of scenarios and skill levels. The cover even ranges from inflatable shapes on a football field, to construction spools & leftover plastic piping, to something that seems like an invasion in Western Europe with a stronghold and trenches and even makeshift particle board tanks. We went during a busy day, so we got the full gamut of guys showing up in camouflage with their specialized paintball guns & gear to us… basically beginners. There were even softball teams & families trying stuff out for the first time. Now, I had paintballed a few times as a kid but didn’t really get into it as much as you might think given my redneck background. It’s still a lot of fun & I don’t mind the welts and what-have-you from a good day out. We were there for a good 5-6 hours. Then right around the end of the day, I went & tried to do some ridiculous sliding into the cover because I was feeling a little cocky… and tweaked my back. Sum’bich! It’s still a little sore… and I had to sit out my basketball game last night… but all in all, it was a great time with Nurse & her friends. I would definitely do it again & highly recommend it.

That night, I was sitting around watching TV with my bad back when I was getting text messages from Dizzy. Apparently we were both sitting around not doing much… so I mentioned that I was about to watch “Return to Oz” for the first time since I was a kid, so if she cared to join me, that’d be cool. She did… and we watched it. Now, for those of you who have never seen it, here’s the synopsis. It’s a few weeks after the end of “The Wizard of Oz” (though inexplicably Dorothy has reverted from a 17-year old Judy Garland to a ten-year old Fairuza Balk from “The Craft” & “Waterboy” fame). After a time of insomnia, coupled with these fantastically crazy stories of a land called Oz that their daughter rants on about, Dorothy’s parents basically decide to commit her to a hospital for some electro shock treatment. By the way, the story is set in Kansas 1899… and if you didn’t know that, don’t worry, they mention it several times in the first few minutes. Anyway, while in the hospital (being supervised by Nurse Ratchet), Dorothy is magically transported back to Oz, along with her beloved chicken… to save it from an evil sorceress & rock lord who have taken power. Basically from there, it’s a bunch of craziness involving henchmen with rollerskates for appendages, a flying couch with a moose head on it, Jack the pumpkin king, a robot soldier & the creepiest smiling Scarecrow you can imagine. It’s great fun for the kiddies… and kinda creepy. Sidenote: In the story, the Wizard passes away or something… and they name Scarecrow the King of the Emerald City. Now… I know he got a brain at the end of first movie… but I kinda wonder how that discussion went when they were appointing the new ruler. Was it something like “Okay, we could go with one of the munchkins… or do we have any of those white witches left? No? Well, the flying monkeys are already in Congress so I guess that leaves us the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Man & the Scarecrow. The Lion is now longer cowardly… but he’s got that public affairs fiasco with eating half of congress. The Tin Man is a strong candidate with a good war record… but he’s seen as a little soft since he got that new heart. He also has no soul & is basically a robot so he’s more fit to lead the robot army of tinker toys that we have. I guess that leaves us with… sigh… a thatched man of straw who just recently because smarter than a 5th grader.” It sounds ridiculous… but this was basically the 2000 Presidential Election about fifteen years earlier. Food for thought. The movie was a’ight I guess… we had fun making fun of it… and that’s what really matters.

Sunday, I made some b**chin’ red beans & rice with chicken sausage for dinner and stayed home for most of the day. Later in the day, Nurse & I watched another I hadn’t seen in a long time, “The Lost World: Jurassic Park” starring Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn & the late great Pete Postelthwaite. Now, I had seen this movie once when it first came out… and I didn’t really like it, which is tough for me to say with a dinosaur flick. Oh yeah, plot first… a few years after the original, the company that funded Jurassic Park is scrambling with the impending death of the owner & trying to make a profit all the money that they poured into a failed investment. Well, the owner (“Spared no expense!”) sends a small team of four to a previously unmentioned island (conveniently) where they basically just let the dinosaurs roam around unchecked (that wasn’t explained why either). And… and for some reason on these team of four, he added the most irritating character from the first movie (yes even more than the little kid) statistician Ian Malcolm (Goldblum) because math is important when you’re working with live dinosaurs… and his paleontologist girlfriend (Moore) who’s already been on the island for a bit. So armed with a few tranquilizer darts and a first aid kit, the team of four go to the island… and I forgot to mention the African-American daughter of Jeff Goldblum (obvious resemblance) who managed to stow away somehow to get on this trip… and as you might expect, sh*t goes wrong. Of course. There’s really no way for this to possibly go right. Anyway, company send another team of hunters fully loaded to the teeth with weapons & battle experience, after sh*t goes wrong, some manage to survive & they bagged a T-Rex to take back to downtown San Diego for their new zoo (a la King Kong). Well, you can guess where it goes from there.

Okay, even as a kid, I can look past all the corny lines, ridiculous scenarios to introduce certain character demographics, plot holes & stuff like that because I grew up on Back to the Future, so I’ll let ya slide Mr. Spielberg. However, I just had one really burning question from my teenage years that has yet to be answered. A little bit of a spoiler alert: When the ship transporting the T-Rex crashes into the dock, I’m not even going to ask about how the ship crashed into the exact spot that it was supposed to go anyway… I’ll let you off with an explanation like “The autopilot controlled the direction but not the speed” or something like that. What I’m wondering about… is when they board the ship, they find random limbs of the crew scattered about insinuating that the T-Rex ate them all, as he was the only dinosaur on the ship. However, the T-Rex was in the cargo hold the entire time, as that is where he was found trapped when they boarded the ship. So who the f**k ate the crew? That’s the big one, and I’ll leave out little ones like how would the T-Rex have eaten the captain (all but his hand on the steering wheel) without destroying the little door that Jeff Goldblum would have to duck to enter? Anyway, I watched the movie… and again, it was alright to make fun of… but the 3rd one was definitely better. Dinosaurs rule! On that note…

Apocalypse Update - That burgeoning population of huge pythons that I’ve been rattling on about for years appears to be wiping out large numbers of raccoons, opossums, bobcats and other mammals in the Everglades, a study says. The study, published Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that sightings of medium-size mammals are down dramatically (as much as 99%, in some cases) in areas where pythons and other large, non-native constrictor snakes are known to be lurking. Scientists fear the pythons could disrupt the food chain and upset the Everglades' environmental balance in ways difficult to predict. "The effects of declining mammal populations on the overall Everglades ecosystem, which extends well beyond the national park boundaries, are likely profound," said John Willson, a research scientist at Virginia Tech University and co-author of the study. Tens of thousands of Burmese pythons, which are native to Southeast Asia, are believed to be living in the Everglades, where they thrive in the warm, humid climate. While many were apparently released by their owners, others may have escaped from pet shops during Hurricane Andrew in 1992 and have been reproducing ever since. Burmese pythons can grow to be 26 feet long and more than 200 pounds, and they have been known to swallow animals as large as alligators. They and other constrictor snakes kill their prey by coiling around it and suffocating it. The National Park Service has counted 1,825 Burmese pythons that have been caught in and around Everglades National Park since 2000. Among the largest so far was a 156-pound, 16.4-foot one captured earlier this month. For the study, researchers drove 39,000 miles along Everglades-area roads from 2003 through 2011, counting wildlife spotted along the way and comparing the results with surveys conducted on the same routes in 1996 and 1997. The researchers found staggering declines in animal sightings: a drop of 99.3% among raccoons, 98.9% for opossums, 94.1% for white-tailed deer and 87.5% for bobcats. Along roads where python populations are believed to be smaller, declines were lower but still notable. Rabbits and foxes, which were commonly spotted in 1996 and 1997, were not seen at all in the later counts (100%?). Researchers noted slight increases in coyotes, Florida panthers, rodents and other mammals, but discounted that finding because so few were spotted overall. "The magnitude of these declines underscores the apparent incredible density of pythons in Everglades National Park," said Michael Dorcas, a professor at Davidson College in North Carolina and lead author of the study. Although scientists cannot definitively say the pythons are killing off the mammals, the snakes are the prime suspect. The increase in pythons coincides with the mammals' decrease, and the decline appears to grow in magnitude with the size of the snakes' population in an area. A single disease appears unlikely to be the cause since several species were affected. The report says the effect on the overall ecosystem is hard to predict. Declines among bobcats and foxes, which eat rabbits, could be linked to pythons' feasting on rabbits. On the flip side, declines among raccoons, which eat eggs, may help some turtles, crocodiles and birds. Scientists point with concern to what happened in Guam, where the invasive brown tree snake has killed off birds, bats and lizards that pollinated trees and flowers and dispersed seeds. That has led to declines in native trees, fish-eating birds and certain plants. In 2010, Florida banned private ownership of Burmese pythons. Earlier this month, U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced a federal ban on the import of Burmese pythons and three other snakes. Salazar said Monday that the study shows why such restrictions were needed. "This study paints a stark picture of the real damage that Burmese pythons are causing to native wildlife and the Florida economy," he said. Wait, there’s more…

Apocalypse Update Two - Florida wildlife recently officers found a veritable deadly reptile exhibit inside one man's Boca Raton apartment: A red-spitting cobra, a puff adder, a uracoan rattlesnake, two false cobras and even a small alligator. Basically the Rogue’s Gallery of Deadly Reptiles for all occasions. When you read the detailed descriptions of each of these reptiles, it's hard to imagine how anyone would willingly live with these deadly creatures. But that was exactly what Tyler Nolan was doing until he was caught keeping them without a permit. Nolan was cited for several health and safety violations. The alligator was released back into the wild while the snakes were turned over to a professional facility capable of caring for them (exterminator). Nolan reportedly cooperated with authorities, telling them that he was in the process of obtaining permits for all of the reptiles. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission first became aware of the situation when they received a tip that Nolan was housing the reptiles without proper authority (probably when he applied for the permits). As the group's website notes, Florida is already home to approximately 1,300 native species of fish and wildlife. The commission estimates that the state has also become home to nearly 300 non-native species. The same reason that so many people are drawn to the Sunshine State is what makes the need for proper wildlife regulations essential: "Florida's subtropical climate is ideal for many foreign species to survive. If these species escape or are released, they can easily become established here," the site notes. And to that end, the state does have some unusual wildlife permits, include those for Florida black bears and Florida panthers. Thankfully, the reptiles were all reportedly in good condition and were being kept in "secure enclosures," according to the Sun-Sentinel. Why would a man do this? Probably because he had no choice. The animals ambushed him & forced him to give them a safe home… or perhaps he was being unwillingly coerced into providing shelter for what appeared to be unfortunate travelers on the run from the snake whacking hordes out to destroy them (and save the world)? Whatever the reason, it happened… and your neighbor might be doing the same thing. Keep an eye out for suspicious behavior and report to your local wildlife department… and always keep a machete handy, just in case. You never know when you need a machete. That’s just common sense.

Zombie George Washington? - George Washington wasn't only America's first President (well, he actually wasn’t if you go by the official record where John Hanson was elected President in 1781 after the Articles of Confederation were signed… and there were actually six others elected before Washington in 1789 when the Constitution was signed… but you can google that sh*t later), but George was also almost its first zombie. After Washington died from an illness in December 1799, his family nearly accepted an offer from a physician who believed he could bring America's first commander in chief back to life. The website io9 writes that physician William Thornton is best remembered as the first designer of the U.S. Capitol. But he also proposed reviving George Washington's deceased body using a combination of blankets, an air pump and lamb's blood. Washington had become ill after traveling through the wet winter rain that year. He finally succumbed to his illness after a painful series of "treatments" that included regular blood drainings, having his stomach drained and drinking mixtures of vinegar, molasses and butter (mmm…). Washington famously told his doctors before passing, "I die hard, but I am not afraid to go." However, he was reportedly afraid of being buried alive and asked friends and family to wait three days before holding his funeral (Jesus complex?). The strange tale comes from Holly Tucker's book “Blood Work: A Tale of Medicine and Murder in the Scientific Revolution”, which was released last March. The morning after his death, Washington's step-granddaughter brought Dr. Thornton to the Mount Vernon. That's when Thornton made the offer to Martha Washington. The plan involved thawing Washington's body which had been placed on ice, rubbing it "vigorously" with blankets, performing a tracheotomy to pump Washington's lungs full of air and then finally an infusion of lamb's blood, which at the time was believed to contain special medicinal properties. Washington's friends and family reportedly turned down the offer not because they didn't think it could work but because they felt Washington would have wanted to rest in peace. Repeat: Not because they didn’t think it wouldn’t work… but because they thought he wanted to rest in peace… as opposed to be a walking dead man. As it turns out, Thornton had other plans for Washington's body as well (oh dear God). Thornton secretly included a burial vault in his designs for the Capitol and hoped it would be Washington's final resting place. Martha Washington reportedly agreed to that arrangement, only stipulating that she be entombed next to Washington after her own death. An interesting little tidbit for all you other people out there who flip through the channels and see… for example, what I saw on the History Channel last night, shows about how to survive a zombie apocalypse & how zombies may not be completely fake. Yes. That was on the History Channel. Primetime on a Sunday afternoon. Now for something a little bit more on the bright side of life… sorta…

Topless Gangster Party in Davos - Three radical (in every sense of the word) Ukrainian feminists braved the subzero chill at the Swiss ski resort of Davos on Saturday, going topless to protest against the World Economic Forum "gangsters". Now this politics I can stand behind… or preferably in front of. The three activists arrived at the security checks at the congress hall's entrance where they undressed, revealing slogans painted across their upper bodies including "Gangster Party in Davos" and "Poor Because of You." They also brandished signs saying "Crisis Made in Davos" and were arrested after they attempted to scale the metal fences with glass-cutter nipples intact. The Ukrainian group called Femen, whose slogan is "We Came, We Undressed, We Conquered," specializes in eye-catching stunts in which they protest topless, using their bodies to draw attention to sexual exploitation. Femen activists have previously protested outside the Parisian home of former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. In November, one activist also managed to sneak past security to partially strip in front of the Vatican's Saint Peter's Basilica just after the pope's Sunday Angelus. All I have to say is… giggidy!!!

Anyway, that should do it for today. Not a whole lot to catch you up on… but the Super Bowl Party is coming up on Sunday so that should be a whole lotta fun. Not sure who’s going to show up… but I’ll be there… and at least two roommates… and probably a few of their friends… and any neighbors that hear our shenanigans. Have a great day everybody!!!