Alaska: Part Three - Oh Canada... Briefly

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentelmen,

 

Day 9 – May 31^st - Day at Sea

 

This last day in May was a pretty relaxing day at sea… there was some Reindeer Chili & Rockfish Chowder for lunch… another Basketball Shootout where I took home another gold medal… and we watched Comedian Rollin Jay Moore who was pretty funny… but yeah, nothing really out of the ordinary.

 

Day 10 – June 1^st - Victoria, Canada

 

Our morning in Victoria was spent out on a fully-packed boat for some Orca watching. The first hour or so was… frankly pretty cold, boring & uneventful… but that all changed once we got to where we found the family of ORCAS!!! Behold…

 

Then on the way back, we saw a few Harbor Seals… or Sea Sausages if you will…

 

Once we got back to the port, we only had about two hours until the ship’s last call (real quick teaser stop in Victoria on this cruise) so we hailed a cabbie named Doug, who was everything that you would want in a nice Canadian cabbie (short of wearing a mountie outfit) and we headed out to Vancouver Brewing Company to try some brews… but alas, it was a Sunday & they were closed. What to do? No problem, Doug suggested another place that was two blocks away called Moon Under Water Brewing… and the three of us enjoyed lunch and a few beverages there… and it was all pretty fantastic. After lunch, Doug then drove us back to the ship & we got there JUST as they were closing up the port… seriously, like we were probably the last two people to make it.

 

Back on the boat, there was Adult Basketball... which was basically another game of H-O-R-S-E and it turned into a nice 45-minute competition between me & one other guy who'd obviously been playing more recently than the past two years... like in the last week or so... but yeah, JUST missed on winning, so took home the silver.

 

There was also a "British Invasion" production show... and it was eh... that's all I've really got to say about that.

 

Day 11 – June 2^nd - Day at Sea

 

The real highlight of this day was the final race of the Star Downs Horse Racing where our beautiful Robo-Pegasus named Harry Seaward was to compete against the other “owner” horses for a shot at the final pot. BEHOLD THE GLORY THAT IS HARRY SEAWARD!!!

 

So then it was time for the race… and we basically SMOKED everybody… like it wasn’t even close… and we walked away with about $250 in winnings, so that basically covered what I bid on the horse originally and most of the gratuities for the cruise. Not a bad chunk of change honestly. I wish that I could tell you that we burned the midnight oil our last day at sea but… really about the most exciting thing that we did was enjoy a nice warm Remy Martin before bedtime… and the hot tub… and that was about it. Boom!

 

Day 12 – June 3^rd - Back to San Francisco

 

This Tuesday morning was our return to San Francisco… and essentially reality… but it was a fantastic vacation & I can’t thank my mom, stepdad & lovely ladyfriend enough for going with me. It was truly an incredible experience… that frankly, I can’t wait to experience again. I’d love to spend more time up in Alaska & Canada to get to hang out with the locals, see new incredible sights that I couldn’t manage in a scant few hours, and see how things happen on a regular basis. I know with cruise ships there’s a lot of fun activity for a few hours a few times a week for a few months & then the vendors disappear… but it really peaked my interest in these places& there’s really so much to see in the area. Heck, this was just the southeastern shoreline too… there’s literally about a MILLION TIMES what we say left to see in Alaska… and Canada? Please! Probably BILLIONS times more to see. Anyway, incredible experience… I highly recommend it… hope you enjoyed reading this little thing… and it was worth the wait to all of us. Have a great day everybody!!!

Daily Fuggle Redactions

d Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

How about some more news? Since I don’t have a lot of exciting stuff going on in my world just this moment...

 

My Kind of Coach - It may be the Preseason WNIT semifinals, but the first round is on Louisville coach Jeff Walz, who said he will buy the first 2,500 beers for of-age fans who attend the No. 5 Cardinals' game against No. 14 LSU on Thursday night. Walz's bar tab will come to $5,000. Assistant sports information director Kim Pemberton told ESPN.com on Wednesday that the promotion will take place and that Walz is paying for the beer with his own money. Fans with proper ID will get a voucher for one beer, which they can get at concession stands. "I tried that once in college, but I only got up to about 400 [people]," Walz joked to the Louisville Courier-Journal. "But no, no, no, I've never done that." The Cardinals' basketball facility -- the KFC Yum! Center -- is off campus, and beer is normally sold there for all games. The school said there are no NCAA compliance issues. "We're just trying to have a little bit of a good time here at the ballgame," Walz told the Courier-Journal. "Make sure you have a designated driver if you want to come and have a few of them. It's a little way to say thanks to all our adults who come and support us, and we're just trying to get some of our fans who haven't come out to come on out one time and get a drink and enjoy the ballgame and hopefully grab the attention of a few more fans." Amy Morgan, Louisville's assistant athletic director for marketing, told the paper that the promotion was Walz's idea. "It shows his commitment to the program and his desire to grow the program and expose as many fans as possible to their play on the court," she said. Two things. First, great idea coach! Were I within a thousand miles of Kentucky, I’d definitely consider coming to see the game. Secondly, wait… is that $2 per beer? Have I really been in San Francisco that long where that sounds like an absolutely STEAL??? Here, if you find $5 beer, you’ve basically found your bastion for nights out on the town… but then again, I’ve become a bit of a beer snob. Still though… like PBR is $3 happy hour specials and stuff like that. Hence… why I’m starting to make my own… and then perhaps sell some down the road once I have an established business… but yeah… great promotion coach! I hope it works out for you & the Lady Cardinals!

 

Toronto Mayor - Toronto's embattled mayor, Rob Ford, insisted on Wednesday he has zero tolerance for drugs and gangs, but also admitted he has bought illegal drugs in the past two years. Let that sink in for a moment. Speaking at a City Council meeting during which members almost unanimously urged him to take a break from his job, Ford said he cannot change his past actions, which include acknowledged use of crack cocaine. But he asserted his intention to continue to work as mayor so he can carry out his promise to save money for Toronto taxpayers. Asked if he had bought illegal drugs in the past two years, he replied somberly: "Yes, I have." Ford, elected in 2010 on a promise to end the City Hall "gravy train", admitted last week that he had smoked crack cocaine in "one of my drunken stupors". Wednesday's call for him to step aside came in council's first meeting since that admission. "Our city's reputation has been damaged and continues to suffer," City Councillor Jaye Robinson read from a non binding petition signed by 30 of the city's 44 councilors, and passed by a vote of 41 to two. "Together we stand to ask you to step aside and take a leave of absence to address your challenges privately outside of the public eye." Right, like that’ll happen now. Councilors will vote later on a separate motion that asks Ford both to take a leave of absence and to apologize for "misleading" Toronto residents… by telling the truth? Council has no power to force the mayor to step down or take a break unless he is convicted of a crime, and Ford insists he has no plans to go, or to seek treatment. "I am not an addict of any sort, so I am not quite sure why you are saying that I need help," he told councilors during an hour-long grilling that centered on his fitness to remain the city's chief magistrate… by the way, at the taxpayer’s expense since we (the royal hypothetical we of Canada) are paying taxes. "I can understand how people would perceive my behavior. The reason I drank or did drugs was not because of stress, it was out of sheer stupidity. That's all it was." As the questions continued, hundreds of protesters gathered outside City Hall, many of them calling on Ford to step down… while millions continued with their daily lives. An Ipsos-Reid poll conducted for several TV and radio stations showed that 76% of Toronto voters think Ford should step down or take a leave of absence, while only 24% agreed with Ford's insistence on staying in his job… but these are among people who didn’t insist they were on a no-call list & to never call them with surveys.  The scandal of the crack-smoking mayor broke six months ago, when the Toronto Star newspaper and media blog Gawker said they had been shown a video of the mayor smoking crack, an allegation that Ford spent six months denying. Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair has since confirmed the video exists, and Ford admitted earlier this month that he had indeed smoked crack. The events brought back memories of the scandal that enveloped former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry after he was filmed smoking crack in 1990 (and reelected a few years later, ‘MERICA!!!). Ford's admission has made him the target of late night-talk show jokes and put the international media interest on Toronto, including extensive coverage of Wednesday's City Hall debate on U.S. networks. Asked on Wednesday if more embarrassing revelations could come, Ford said: "As far as I know... you don't know if people are videoing this or doing that. I don't know what's out there right now. But everything that I'm aware of is out there." Last week, the Star bought a separate video that showed Ford in an expletive-laden rant, making threats to unspecified persons and pounding his hands together. Ford apologized and admitted he was "extremely inebriated". But more information is likely. A Superior Court judge on Wednesday ordered the release of more details from a police investigation that resulted in drug-trafficking and extortion charges against Ford's friend and part-time driver Sandro Lisi. A heavily redacted 474-page file was released two weeks ago and showed police had had the mayor under close surveillance for months, and had recorded numerous meetings with Lisi in parks and other venues. The judge ruled on Wednesday that some of the redacted portions be revealed. Ford said on Wednesday that his lawyer had advised him not to cooperate with police investigations. So… yeah, Toronto’s mayor may be in a bit of hot water… but whatever. The real question is… Is he doing his job? Or rather, was he doing his job well before all this came out & he spent 90% of his day answering reporter’s f**king questions & the other 10% eating ham & smoking crack? What are the results? Do we ever really hold our public officials responsible for their results? If you just spent your entire time at work going around & shaking hands & kissing babies when you were supposed to be helping the economy, infrastructure, schools, etc… wouldn’t you be fired? Yes… maybe if you were smoking crack on the job, that’s usually pretty quick case for HR… but if that’s it, then kick him out… and any other official whose doing this stuff. If not, or there’s no protocol for it, then shut the f**k up & let him do his job. He obviously has work to do in helping run the capital of Canada. “Ey hoser, the capital of Canada is Ottawa, eh!” And the capital of California is Sacramento but who gives a flying f**k??? My point still stands.

 

Navajo Bronze? Burnt Injun? – Two of my favorite things to talk about in this one… Marketing Strategies… and alleged racism. Club Sun Color Studios, a tanning salon based in Alabama raised controversy by posting an ad on its Facebook page promoting a Thanksgiving tanning special they were running. As reported by WPMI Local 15, the ad many find offensive shows a brunette woman dressed in a Native American costume next to a blonde woman with lighter skin dressed in a pilgrim costume. It reads: “The Indians brought more than just ‘corn’ to the first Thanksgiving…they brought Sexy ‘Color!’”

Club Sun Color Studios' controversial Facebook ad

 

I’m not exactly sure why the word ‘corn’ is in quotes, but Club Sun representatives stated that they did not mean to offend the public with their sunless spray tan advertisement. David Arnett, Marketing Director of Club Sun apologized for the ad and said, “I myself am Native American, and I am very proud of my heritage and skin tone. The thought process behind the ad was simply a play on my own ‘sexy color.' Again, I apologize for any offense and misunderstanding." Wait, David Arnett? I’m going to have to Google whether he’s really Native American or not. If so… Alabama? Tanning Salon? Really? Anyway, the ad is now gone from the Club Sun Color Studios Facebook page (yet all over the internet somehow… hmmm… maybe he really is a marketing director). WPMI asked Mobile, Alabama resident Ebony Monigan what she thought about controversy and she said, "Whether he's a Native American, the words still offend people." The station also spoke to Club Sun’s Vice President of Sales, Larry Andrews who said that the message was simply on an “Innocent in-house flyer,” adding, "I think this day and time people look for something to complain about and something to, to stir, stir the pot. I mean, if they would look for more positive things in life we'd have a much better Thanksgiving and holiday season." Despite that statement, Club Sun representatives said that they would be cautious about future ads. Probably a good plan… then again, it’s making the rounds on the website… and I guess they have a point, no matter how offensive it may be… a little melanin tends to give a sexy tone.

 

HOW Is This Surprising? - A two-year-old girl has been severely burned in suburban Atlanta in a freak accident after gasoline poured on an outdoor slide to make it slicker ignited from static electricity, police said on Tuesday. The toddler and her four-year-old sister were playing on a swing set on Saturday when the gasoline was put on the slide (WHAT?), said Keith Brooks, chief deputy of the Walton County Sheriff's Office. Investigators do not know which of the two siblings poured the gasoline (Wait, WHAT??? A 2 year old or a 4 year old poured the gasoline???) but determined, after finding no other ignition source, that static electricity sparked the blaze, Brooks said. "This was a freak accident. It's definitely strange that something like this would happen." ARE YOU F**KING INSANE??? It’s strange… that gasoline would ignite? HOW??? The two-year-old was flown by helicopter to a hospital in Atlanta and put into a medically induced coma to help her cope with the pain from her critical injuries, Brook said. Grady Health System, the hospital where she was taken, declined to comment on her condition on Tuesday. No charges are expected to be filed, the chief deputy said. Sigh… it’s tragic… it’s certainly tragic but… is this a thing? Does this happen at kids parks all over America & I just don’t know about it? “Well $teve, a gallon of gasoline only costs about $4 & it decreases viscosity on the slide so that you can go quicker… like a water slide.” Doesn’t water cost like… five cents a gallon? “Well yeah but… gasoline is much more slickerier… and water evaporates too quickly here in Georgia.” Uh-huh… so because water evaporates faster… and don’t get it twisted, gasoline evaporates too… and it’s vapor is highly explosive… but because water evaporates, you pour highly flammable gasoline on a children’s plaything so that they can slide down at a faster velocity? “Yes’r.” Okay, well… I guess if an adult is handling the gasoline then it’s… “Oh no s’r… the kids tend to handle that all by themselves.” (stunned silence) “I said the kids tend to…” I F**KING HEARD YA!!! Not sure what to say about this story other than to pose a question. We’re smart, right? Human beings? We’re capable of incredible things, right? Highly intelligent & all that? Just checkin’…

 

Batman Update - A Singaporean man with an unusual superhero-like name turned out to be a villain who consumed drugs and stole from his brother. Batman bin Suparman, which means Batman son of Suparman in the Malay language, was jailed on Monday for two years and nine months for various offences including stealing his brother's automated teller machine card to make withdrawals, media reported. The 23-year-old unemployed man had also broken into the office of a firm in western Singapore to steal money and taken heroin. Batman, who has his own fan club on Facebook, became a social media sensation after an image of his identity card with his unusual name was circulated online. You’ve all seen it. Keep your eyes out for a Tosh.0 Web Redemption down the road… I’m guessing at Six Flags over Singapore or something with the DC Comic characters involved in an intervention. It could happen. Stay away from heroin kids… it can even turn Batman and/or Superman into a pitiful being turnin’ tricks to get their next fix. Hmm… I think I just had an idea for an interesting spin-off… The Dark Knight Sniffs starring a coked-out Bruce Wayne. Patent pending.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for tonight. Have a great day everybody!!!

Basketball Christmas 2013

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

It’s that time of year again… basically my half-Christmas every year… when all the GMs, coaches, fans & everybody else involved with the NBA get to see what presents their teams can pick from under the tree of amateur ballers. The big thing that I keep hearing about this draft is that there are “no superstars” where next year they expect a whole bunch… though I only know about Andrew Wiggins whose supposed to be the next LeBron & Marcus Smart who’d probably be the 2^nd pick in this year’s draft if he didn’t like Stillwater, Oklahoma so much… so he’ll probably be #2 next year pending injuries. Apparently there are more… but we shall see.

 

The thing about team sports is that you may LOVE to have a superstar… but there are four other people out there on the court with you in basketball. Michael Jordan wasn’t winning championships by himself. He had guys like Scottie Pippen who nobody expected to be a Hall of Famer when he was drafted… and Horace Grant to grab rebounds… and John Paxson to hit those open threes when MJ was double teamed… and Bill Cartwright to be the defensive anchor… and Ron Harper or B.J. Armstrong to bring the ball up the court… and other bench players like Cliff Levingston & Luc Longley to provide some rest for the starters so they’re fresh in crunch time. It’s a team sport with lots of role players… and this year’s draft could have some fantastic role players that could easily be starters for the next decade or so. Anyway, as you know, I didn’t get to see a whole lot of games until March Madness this year… but here’s what went down Thursday night & what I think about the decision making done… in my humble expert opinion.

 

NBA Draft 2013

 

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Anthony Bennett – Forward from UNLV – This pick was a curveball to me. Now, I never got to see Anthony play… but from what I understand, he’s a great physical specimen for a power forward & has some great offensive skills. Combined with quick guards like Kyrie Irving & Dion Waiters… and another large Canadian specimen like Tristan Thompson & a seven-foot sideshow Bob that is Anderson Varajeo, the Cavs have a good young core to go with. They also picked up a guy that I heard a lot about going into the draft later in the round with Sergey Karasev (#19 forward from Russia). Good solid pick, though a bit surprising.

  

  

2. Orlando Magic – Victor Oladipo – Forward from Indiana – I saw a few bits of Indiana games early last year when they were preseason #1 and all that… and I really liked Mr. Oladipo’s game. I’ve heard people compare him to D-Wade & all that… but that sh*t needs to stop for a few years. He plays solid defense which is always good, he put up about 15 points in college & he may be a start in Orlando, but that’s because everybody there kinda sucks right now. Well, you know, by NBA standards. Don’t look at me like that. That’s why they have the #2 pick. It wasn’t a fluke. Anyway, it should be a good solid pick… even though, I don’t know… yeah, I’ll just agree with the pick. I wasn’t there for the workouts. He plays D. Gotta love it.

 

3. Washington Wizards – Otto Porter – Forward from Georgetown – I like this as the hometown pick & he really is the best fit for the Wizards too. They already have the guard spots taken care of with John Wall & Bradley Beal… and the post spots with Nene & Emeka Okafor… so the best small forward in the draft was a good solid pick. I also like them picking up Glen Rice jr (#35 guard from NBDL) in the 2^nd round. He has a few character issues that got him out of college & into the NBDL, but hey, as long as he can overcome all that… if he’s HALF what his daddy was, then he’ll be a steal in the 2^nd round.

 

4. Charlotte Bobcats – Cody Zeller – Center from Indiana – Reading the blogs, everybody thinks that this was a ridiculous pick for the Bobcats… who seem to have a habit of ridiculous picks… and that’s part of why they’re HISTORICALLY HORRIBLE the past few years. However, if the only knock on this guy is that he scores, plays defense, wins… but he’s a little skinny & Caucasian aka non-athletic? Then by all means get that guy in the gym, put some meat on his bones & let him continue to score, play defense & win. Seriously, what was his competition? Another tall skinny 20 year old? Prove ‘em wrong, Cody!!!

 

 

5. Phoenix Suns – Alex Len – Center from Maryland – You can’t teach big. I’ve said it at least once every time I’ve reviewed a draft. Many thought that Alex would go #1 because of it… well, I kinda did. However, he has some injury issues, didn’t show a lot of certain skills while playing, but definitely among the best bigs in the draft crop this year. I think that he’ll actually fit in very well in Phoenix & can learn offensive moves from current center Martin Gortat in his development before doing the twin towers kind of thing. Phoenix also picked a guy that I really like with Archie Goodwin (#29 guard from Kentucky). Now… I was forced to watch a few Kentucky games this year… and this guy reminded me a lot of a guy that I saw in UCLA a few years back… who just had a solid all-around game & really athletic… but not really like a superstar kind of demeanor. Well, today that guy is Russell Westbrook… and Archie Goodwin reminded me of him. Basically what I’m saying is… I kinda hoped that the Spurs were gonna pick him up with their #28 pick… but more on that later. Good job, Suns!

 

6. Philadelphia 76ers (from New Orleans) – Nerlens Noel – Center from Kentucky – Most people had Nerlens Noel as the first pick, even though he tore his ACL earlier this year. The knocks against him were the injury concerns (I’m not a doctor, but I know knees can be tricky, especially when there’s not a lot of muscle helping out), he was “unpolished” on the offensive end… but he’s a shot-blocking fool, 20 years old, a little skinny, but he tore his ACL chasing down a guard on a fast break… so he has hustle & a win-first mentality, right? My suggestion: Grow the high top fade to EPIC proportions and/or pick it out like Ben Wallace used to do… and dominate the defense end… and then clean up the glass on offense putting back misses from the quick perimeter players if they deny the entry pass. Well, we shall see. He gets a chance to be a focal point in Philly, which can be good or bad for a 20-year old… but at least he doesn’t have to deal with being the #1 pick. The 76ers also did a great job in picking up a tall point guard Michael Carter-Williams (#11 guard from Syracuse) or soon to be called MCW or MC-Dub or something like that, probably the best point guard prospect in the draft… but then they also got point guard Pierre Jackson (#42 guard from Baylor) in the 2^nd round. Maybe for a backup just in case? Trade bait? We shall see.

 

7. Sacramento Kings – Ben McLemore – Guard from Kansas –I think this guy could be the steal of the Top 10 picks. A lot of people had him going as high as #2 in the draft… but he fell to Sacramento at #7 and they couldn’t be happier. He has amazing skills all around & a very good athlete… and he goes to a team that could really use him. With their current star Tyreke Evans (very similar game play) probably on his way out to a larger market, they really couldn’t ask for more. I LOVE this pick… and hope nothing but the best for them. Ben grew up in adverse poverty… and I’m not sure whether that has led to good traits like humility & perspective or bad traits like hanging with the wrong crowd & lack of discipline… but I’m pulling for ya. Best of luck!

 

8. Detroit Pistons – Kentavious Caldwell-Pope – Guard from Georgia – Never seen him play… but he’s a pretty prototypical two guard, tall, shoots well, decent ball handling skills, might even play some defense from the report. If he works hard & plays well with the other young core there in Detroit, he would be a fan favorite in no time… and I just like his name – Kentavious. Though I’m sure he will also fall victim to the initial nickname game. Welcome KCP!!! I like that Detroit also picked up Peyton Siva (#56 guard from Louisville) because I really liked his game during the tournament this last year. He seems like a good Greivas Vasquez kind of player & should work well for them.

 

9. Utah Jazz (from Minnesota) – Trey Burke – Guard from Michigan – The National Player of the Year is going to Utah. Skeptics have said that he’s undersized for the big leagues… but the Jazz could sure use a pick & roll playmaker like him to go with their abundance of young bigs. I’m also excited that they picked up the biggest of the bigs later in the first round with Rudy Gobert (#27 center from France). He’s a fairly skinny 7’3” Frenchman with the wingspan of a f**king condor… so he just puts his hand up… and he’s five inches from the rim. F**king ridiculous. Does that mean that he’s going to be a superstar? Of course not. Can you teach big? You sure the f**k can’t. Is he the 2^nd coming of Mark Eaton? Only if he puts on another hundred points & a badass Viking beard. He seems more like a Shawn Bradley kind of player… or even a Manute Bol if he can bomb threes… but yeah, obviously a project. He’s not gonna Yao Ming anybody this year. Yes, I was bummed that he didn’t last until the next pick for the Spurs as well. You know how they do with the foreign players. Instead they got another Frenchie… but again, more on that later. Seriously though... look... it's f**king ridiculous how big this guy is...

 

10. Portland Trailblazers – C.J. McCollum – Guard from Lehigh – After drafting the high scoring playmaker from a college nobody heard of last year with Rookie of the Year & WEBER STATE ALUM Damian Lillard, they picked almost the exact same thing this year. He really was the best talent at the spot though… so maybe it’ll be a good backcourt tandem for years to come. Obviously I never saw the guy play last year (apparently he was hurt for most of it anyway… and I don’t even know where the f**k Lehigh College is). The Blazers also picked up sharpshooter Allen Crabbe (#31 guard from Cal) & another guy that I think could be a great 2^nd round steal, Jeff Withey (#39 Center from Kansas). I saw Jeff in a few games… and I didn’t really understand why he wasn’t a big deal leading up to the draft. I could say racism… but nobody would listen.

 

12. Oklahoma City - Steven Adams – Center from Pittsburgh – Never saw him play, all I heard was “raw” but again, you can’t teach height. The Thunder can pick him up & develop him though because they’re already set for a while at center with Serge Ibaka. That’s really all I have to say on this pick.

 

13. Boston Celtics (from Dallas) – Kelly Olynyk – Center from Gonzaga – I saw Mr. Olynyk in a few games… and he’s got some skills. Unfortunately it seems that the Celtics have decided to pack it in for a few years after they traded away their stars Kevin Garnett & Paul Pierce earlier in the day… but Olynyk is a tall, hard-working big with some offensive skills. As long as he picks up the defense a little bit, he could be a fan favorite during the rebuilding process & set himself up nicely in Beantown. Also... I do love the hair. Players in the WNBA can't rock the locks like this guy can...

 

14. Minnesota Timberwolves (from Utah) – Shabazz Muhammed – Guard from UCLA – For the first time in recent memory, former GM David Kahn didn’t do silly as things on draft day for the T’Wolves. The new guy stepped in & took a bit of a gamble by drafting Shabazz. Seen him play a bit, he’s a scorer… but needs to handle his defense, otherwise he may be a flash in the pan kind of player. The thing is… everybody says he has character issues or doesn’t play hard… but when you’re playing for free when you know you should be getting paid for it… sometimes you take that attitude. That’s just how it is. Now that he’s getting paid… dare I say it… possibly Harrison Barnes type player? I also like that they drafted Gorgui Dieng (# 21 Center from Louisville) who is a defensive BEAST!!! They really needed one in Minneapolis. Just grab boards & play defense… he could be the next Adonal Foyle kind of player… and you know I like those kind of role players.

 

16. Atlanta Hawks (from Boston) – Lucas Nogueira – Center from Brazil – The Hawks are looking to make some major moves this offseason with free agents in a few weeks… but they started Thursday by drafting a project big from Brazil. He has the Sideshow Bob hair like Anderson Varajeo but other than that, I have no idea what his skills are. They also picked up one of the top points guards in Dennis Schroeder (#17 guard from Germany) who I never heard of before, but I also REALLY like them getting Mike Muscala (#44 Center from Bucknell) in the 2^nd round. He’s a big solid guy who was the focal point of his team in college, but not really against he best competition (Patriot League). He seems like one of those mid-major guys who might do well at the next level though.

 

22. Brooklyn Nets – Mason Plumlee (center from Duke) – I’m just gonna say it… Brooklyn looks f**king FIERCE for next year now. They had a very good core with point guard Deron Williams, two-guard Joe Johnson & center Brook Lopez… then they pulled trading most of their bench to get Kevin Garnett & Paul Pierce to fill the forward positions… so their whole lineup has multiple All-Star games appearances… and they solidify their front court by picking a player that I thought didn’t get a lot of respect in Mason Plumlee from Duke. He’s big, physical, skilled on offense & defense, he should be a great fit coming off the bench for the next few years. Maybe even an upgrade from Kris Humphries who they traded away for Garnett & Pierce. I like it. Big ups to Brooklyn! THE ROC IS THE BUILDING!!!

 

24. New York Knicks – Tim Hardaway jr – Guard from Michigan – Another one of those “If he’s HALF as good as his dad was…” players but Tim Bug Junior should be able to step in as the backup point guard for the Knicks right from the get-go since Jason Kidd retired & Raymond Felton could give him some good veteran tips. I like the pick… but being the son of a Hall of Famer in the Big Apple could be a lot of pressure too. I’m sure he’ll handle it well.

 

28. San Antonio Spurs - Livio Jean-Charles – Forward from France – My exact response: “Who the f**k is Livio Jean-Charles?” Not the first time that I’ve had that reaction to a Spurs pick (don’t watch a lot of international 19-and-under basketball) but hey, I’ve also reacted to some of their picks like “Who the f**k is Tony Parker? A FRENCH GUY?” or “Who the f**k is Emmanuel Ginobili? Are they drafting a soccer team?” Continue to prove me wrong, Spurs. Continue to prove me wrong. I also like the pick of Deshaun Thomas (#58 forward from Ohio State) late in the 2^nd round. He could be a solid bench performer.

 

Aside from that, not a whole lot more to say about the draft other than I’m excited for basketball to start again… and they’ve been really building up the draft for 2014 already. Fun fact: Anthony Bennett, this year’s #1 pick, is Canadian (along with #13 pick Kelly Olynyk). Yup… and next year’s consensus #1 pick & the “next LeBron” Andrew Wiggins… also hails from Canada. Could there be a Canadian invasion in the NBA? We shall see…

 

NBA 2K13 Update: So… we swept the Nuggets in the NBA Finals… even though I’m still learning the controls of the game for the most part. I see opponents doing certain moves & I’m like “I wanna do that… how do I do that? Where do I go to learn these things?” They have little tutorials from Hall of Famers during the career that you can purchase… and I’ve used them… but I feel like I’m more like “what does the circle button really do?” and there are helpful (yet often confusing) tips throughout game play sometimes… but it’s the same 5-6 over & over with tips like “To box out, hold L2 and blah blah blah” to which I reply “Yeah, I’ve been doing it. Now why are my layups not going in? How do I do a spin move? How about some post plays?” Still, I’m learning… and the game is still real fun & exciting… at least to me. After my 2^nd second… comes contract negotiations for my REAL contract. Also, I have to figure out how I get Monta Ellis & Brandon Jennings to pass AT LEAST once on offense before they throw their fade away corner shots. Not without its flaws… but still a solid game.

 

Have a great day everybody!!!

Man Eating Super Snake

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past few days haven’t been very eventful per se. I hung out with the roommates and watched TV a few nights, basketball season started for my work team & I’ve already been nicknamed $tevie Franchise because of my play our first game (we lost, but I did pretty damn good), started working on the backyard a bit… but that’s about it. It started getting really cold overnight too… but only by Bay Area standards, not Tahoe. Oh… Thursday night, I was flipping through the channels with the roommates and their friends… and we came across “Man Eating Super Snake” on Animal Planet… about African rock pythons in Florida… and how they may crossbreed with Burmese pythons to form a super snake. The intro stated that… and the roommates were instantly enthralled, so to save time, I brought them up to speed on $teve’s Apocalypse theory and mentioned a few things from my blog… and they seemed skeptical… until the show backed up just about everything I said… and then went a step further to add dramatizations of the stories I told about kids getting snatched up. Oh yeah… they watched the entire show. My message is spreading now… but more updates on that later.

My weekend was a little rainy so we didn’t get to fixing up the backyard… which probably worked out because Nurse’s family was in town. I got to hang with them a bit & they were a lot of fun. We also watched “Crazy Stupid Love” starring Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon, & the ageless Marisa Tomei. It’s a romantic comedy about love & how crazy & stupid it is. More specific? Okay, a man (Carell) & wife (Moore) are getting a divorce, because she’s having an affair with a coworker (Bacon). He goes to a bar & meets this playa (Gosling) who teaches him that he just needs to dress nicer & have confidence to get back on the horse of dating. Meanwhile there’s the subplot with their 13 year old son & his hot 17 year old babysitter. You know what, just go watch the movie. It’s pretty good for a romantic comedy. I’d watch it again… but certainly not alone. That’s just dumb. A man who watches a romantic comedy by himself is a sad creature. By the way, please don’t read back on past entries to see if I’ve watched romantic comedies by myself… because I’m pretty sure I have… but I do it for you guys, so it’s okay, right? Right. Next…

I also had brunch with Bubbles at The Magic Flute, which was rated as the best brunch in San Francisco… and that’s quite a statement. The food was pretty good, we shared the salmon & hunter’s scrambles and crostini for appetizers. I highly recommend the place… but of course the reason for going there was to catch up on going-ons. We’ve basically decided that we’re going to try to set up Wednesday nights as a weekly occurrence when we meet up, go to a restaurant in different neighborhoods each week, catch up on gossip, make each other laugh a bit, have a drink or two, repeat next week. I like the idea. As to whether it’ll happen consistently we shall see… but I’m optimistic. I’m always down for trying new things… and it really helps when you have somebody to adventure with.

Monday night was softball night… and it wasn’t pretty. We were down 5-1 in the 5th and the other team, how do I put this? They weren’t the most sporting of opponents. They certainly weren’t the ladies & gentlemen that we were. There was some real sh*t talking and yes, even profanity from time to time. We won’t stand for that. Long story short, we rallied and won yet again, so next week is the championship. Thankfully I haven’t been playing much (because softball’s not my thang & I don’t want to be the weak link out there) but I’ve been a fantastic cheerleader (especially in the direction of the other team when we were rallying back… nothing bad, just REALLY loud). Afterwards, we went to Park 77 again and had some pizza & beers. This is always a good time for me to get to know my coworkers because frankly, I’m locked in the basement most of the day & don’t get to get out & see everybody… but it’s always good when I do. Let my personality shine, get to know each other… and frankly, most of the ladies that I work with… smokin’ hot. I know the phrase “Don’t sh*t where you eat” comes in to play… and that phrase always confused me because I don’t know what kind of fecophile stuff you’ve got going on in your bedroom… but still, great fun & great eye candy. Now the basketball team just needs more ladies…

Barbie Update – Speaking of things that I’ve predicted years ago coming to fruition, allow me to tell you a story. Back in high school, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas… and being a fairly independent soul, I said nothing but your Love… and maybe some new pants. Being the greatest mother ever, she insisted on more to add to the list… so in a fit of silliness, I said “I want a Gangsta B**ch Barbie” and then went on to describe that it was a very rare item, not unlike Tickle My Pickle Elmo & wished her luck in finding it. Well, a few months later, I opened a package to find… a custom made Gangsta B**ch Barbie… complete with tattoos, mini skirt, high heels, doo rag over blonde cornrows, a joint in her mouth & a gat in her purse. It was basically the greatest gift ever for a 16 year old straight boy, as you might imagine. Thanks mom! Remember this was 1997, so these views of women were very different from what they are today. Well, I guess I’m just ahead of my time… because now, there’s a new Barbie. But with pink hair and tattoos across her shoulders and neck, U.S. toymaker Mattel's latest collector's edition Barbie doll could be compared more to the edgy female heroine of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than to the more traditional Barbies. Since its release earlier this month online, the $50 (31 pound) limited edition doll designed by Los Angeles-based fashion company tokidoki and aimed at adult collectors, has sold out but not before causing controversy. "Is the New 'Tokidoki' Tattoo Barbie Inappropriate for Children?" the magazine U.S. News & World Report asked in a recent headline. Some parents in the United States also questioned whether the toy company that launched the original Barbie in 1959 should be promoting body art. "It's teaching kids to want tattoos before they are old enough to dress like that," Kevin Buckner, of Virginia, told a local television station. No one was available from Mattel to comment on the issue but not all the feedback has been negative. Some adults said the doll reflected modern fashion and pop culture (and of course $teve IS pop culture). "Have you seen Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, Rihanna?" Candace Caswell, a 30-year-old mother from New York asked in an email interview, adding that the pop stars have tattoos and wear wigs and crazy clothes. "They are capturing a snapshot of pop culture the way it really is. Barbie is not raising my daughter. I am," she added… I’m assuming while giving “the look” to her computer screen while typing. For Heather Gately Stoll, of Colorado, tattoos are not the issue. "What is inappropriate for kids are her measurements," she said about the shapely doll. "If she can change personalities why can't she change her shape and size?" And while New York mother Sue Dennis would not spend $50 on the doll, she is not offended by it. "I have a 16 month-old son and the tokidoki Barbie is more the diverse image of women I would like to present to him versus more traditional ones," she said. The tokidoki Barbie is not the first to sport tattoos. In 2009, some stores pulled Mattel's Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie following complaints, and a year earlier Mattel collaborated with motorcycle manufacturer Harley Davidson to produce a Barbie with wings tattooed on her back. Production of tattooed Butterfly Art Barbie was halted in 1999 after parents voiced their concerns. Gayatri Bhalla, 41, of Washington D.C, who writes a blog about experiences for tween girls, sees it as a marketing issue. "On the one hand, the company likes to hold Barbie up as the iconic American toy for girls and use her to promote things that most parents wouldn't object to, such as Take Your Daughter To Work Day," she said. "But they also create Barbie in images that a lot of parents wouldn't choose to hold up as a role model for their young daughters, and a full-body tattooed doll falls into this camp." Check it out, I’ve got a solution. If you don’t like it, don’t f**king buy it. Go buy some of those stupid Bratz that are obviously teaching great values about shopping & makeup… or buy a baby that wets itself so that you can teach your daughter to be a teenage mother. Seriously, who cares? I do. Why? Because I was right. It’s not quite Gangsta B**ch Barbie… but you’re never going to get a name like that past the board. Perhaps… Fallen on Hard Times Barbie or… Urban Beauty Barbie … or my personal favorite, BWA (Barbie With Attitude). Keep an eye out for that one… crack baby sold separately.

Carmen Sandiego MOVIE? – Fresh off trying to pick up on a beautiful Carmen Sandiego this weekend, I get some pretty good news. Walden Media has picked up the live-action film rights to the classic educational game series turned animated show "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reports Deadline. An official synopsis is already out: "When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?" Sounds kick ass, right? Well, there’s a twist. Walden plans to turn the property into a feature starring Jennifer Lopez as the title character, though at present J-Lo is attached to produce only alongside Benny Medina, Simon Fields, Nick Osbourne, Trevor Engelson and Devin Andre. The tone is said to be akin to "National Treasure" meets "The Thomas Crown Affair". Disney previously optioned the film rights to the property in the late 1990s and developed a version for Sandra Bullock, but that version never took off (thank God). In short, good news that Carmen may be hitting a big screen near you… and probably a few sequels. Bad news that it may be J-Lo playing her.

Now… for how $teve would turn this into a billion dollar grossing movie. I love the premise. Not making it too kiddy even though it’s based on an educational game & I think the National Treasure movies are PG, right? I’d go PG-13 because… is Carmen even on TV anymore? Anyway, solid PG-13. Switch it up so that Angelina Jolie is Carmen Sandiego… or if she won’t do it, go with Eva Mendes… or check this twist, don’t even reveal her face until near the end. How? “These are the last photos we have… but she may have had extensive plastic surgery since these were taken months ago…” Done. You know what, scrap that. Angelina… and her former partner who has to track her down? No, not Brad Pitt, that’s too easy… but there may have to be a romantic past involved… but I’m thinking a younger protégé kind of dynamic… so let’s go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (you’re welcome) or Ryan Gosling or something, I don’t know. Whatever puts asses in seats nowadays. Anyway, story goes on… follow the clues… exotic locations… trivial knowledge… uncover the conspiracy… maybe she’s not a villain… and then the truth is revealed… she was trying to bring down a mysterious & elusive international kingpin of legendary status, with whom she is also romantically linked. How is this kingpin? Code name: Waldo… played of course by the remarkably talented acting debut of yours truly… and yes, I could totally pull off the Waldo as a suave Bond-like villain… even in candy cane striped silk from head to toe. You’re welcome, Hollywood!!! Though you’ll probably make it with J-Lo & Justin Bieber or something. Speaking of which…

Canadian Bieber in Jeopardy? – Teenager pop sensation Justin Bieber has denied allegations he fathered a child in a backstage bathroom and says he has never met the woman who filed the paternity suit against him. "To set the record straight, none of it is true," the teen heartthrob declared Friday during a brief appearance on NBC's "Today" show. As mobs of fans screamed adoringly in Rockefeller Plaza, Bieber called it "crazy" that anyone would make up such a story. "I know I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim," Bieber told "Today" host Matt Lauer. "It's crazy, because every night after the show I've gone right from the stage right to my car. So it's crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations." Okay, I’m stepping in right here… and if this is true… I know there have been other rumors out there that Mr. Bieber prefers the company of… let’s say non-females. If he’s an international superstar… with millions of adoring & willing fans… and all he’s doing is going straight from his show to his car… I’m thinking that he & the Jonas Brothers are either full of sh*t or not living up to their potential. Regardless, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. The paternity suit was filed in San Diego Superior Court by Mariah Yeater earlier this week. She had just turned 19 when she says she and Bieber, then 16, had a brief sexual encounter after one of the singer's concerts last fall at Los Angeles' Staples Center… and for some reason, she alleges that it was in a backstage bathroom as opposed to, I don’t know, a dressing room or limo or hotel suite or anything else. Interesting. She said she gave birth to a boy in July and believes Bieber is the father because there were no other possible men she had sex with at that time. That is… unless she was drunk & just banged a guy who looked like or said that he was Justin Bieber… but who would do such a thing? Answer: Somebody who looks like Justin Bieber to a drunk 19-year old. Asked if he knows Yeater, Bieber told Lauer, "Never met the woman." Yeater is asking a judge for child support and a paternity test. A hearing is scheduled for Dec 15th. Her lawyer has described her as a stay-at-home mother who is looking for adequate child support if a paternity test determines Bieber is the father. Meanwhile, in an obvious twist to this whole situation, Los Angeles police have said Yeater could be investigated for having had sex with a minor. It's illegal in California to have sex with someone under age 18. If the other person is not more than three years older, it is a misdemeanor, which carries up to a one-year jail sentence. Along with knocking down rumors, Bieber's appearance was apparently timed to the release of a Christmas album. "It's hard to record a Christmas album in September," he said. Do I really need to start a conspiracy about the timing of these allegations? No? Good, because that’s not what’s important here. What IS important… you know what, I have no idea what it even is. Is Justin a baby daddy? Unlikely, but possible. Is the baby mama lying? Likely… but short of a spot on Maury Povich, I don’t see this playing out much further. Why does anybody care about Justin Bieber? That’s the real mystery.

Canadian Beaver in Jeopardy? – You have to love politicians. Instead of doing real work, a Canadian senator has launched a campaign to replace the industrious beaver with the indomitable polar bear as Canada's national emblem, saying the incumbent is "a dentally defective rat." Conservative Senator Nicole Eaton delivered her damning criticism in the Senate last week, noting that the beavers wreak havoc on the dock at her waterfront cottage every summer. Now, for the moment, just forget that some spoiled b**ch is complaining about something at her waterfront summer cottage & listen to her argument. "A country's symbols are not constant and can change over time. The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity is perfect for the part." My counterpoint: If polar bears were so resourceful, don’t you think they’d have built a new place to live since we’ve destroyed their ice caps. Check. And. Mate. The beaver became Canada's only official national animal in 1975. Why? Trade in the beaver pelts, used to make fashionable fur hats, drove European expansion in North America in the 1600s and early 1700s. So it’s only fitting that some 300 years later, the animals are honored for their sacrificed skins for the better benefit of the nation. Much like we would do for the mighty buffalo if eagles weren’t so f**king cool & Americans invented flight (THAT’S WRIGHT, I SAID IT!!!). Eaton said the ever-busy dambuilders are now nuisance, but avoided mentioning another gnawing problem with the emblem: In modern times, its name is slang for female genitals (GASP!!! Since when?). Last year The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines, re-christened itself Canada's History, complaining that its emails and newsletters were being blocked by internet filters. The magazine said market research showed younger Canadians and women were not interested in buying the publication because of its name (“No, seriously. I do read it for the articles… there’s a great one about the founding of Montreal. Will you PLEASE just LOOK AT IT?”). As for Eaton's proposed replacement, Keith Stewart, a climate change campaigner with Greenpeace Canada, was skeptical. "You have a Conservative senator proposing to replace the beaver with the polar bear as the symbol of Canada, yet her government's climate policy would appear to do everything possible to wipe our polar bears by the end of the century," he said. Stewart said the debate was a distraction… but he was too late… because I had already pointed that out earlier this paragraph. So what do you think? Should Canada change its national animal from a hard-working & resilient (as well as tight-fitting) beaver… to a homeless minority of the bear community? That’s what I thought. Now for some real animal news that threatens all of those around you…

Apocalypse Update: Utah – With just over a year until the foretold end of the Mayan calendar, I bring you a trilogy of updates in the Apocalyptic future of the world. For more, feel free to refer to these other entries from years past. You’re welcome. Now, they’re going straight for my hometown. Four young rattlesnakes found in the span of a week in a building at Weber State University have officials scaling back operations until it's deemed safe for workers to return. The Receiving and Distribution Center — in the foothills of the great city of Ogden, birthplace of the awesomeness that is $teve — houses printing operations and mail services and is not frequented by students, said campus spokesman John Kowalewski. A young rattlesnake found at Weber State University's campus is among four found in the span of a week. WSU officials are taking precautions. Still, workers who stumbled upon the young rattlers last week are unnerved and questioning if more of the reptiles may have found their way inside the building. "At first, I thought it was a fake," said mail center employee Brad Colby, describing his Oct. 24 encounter with one. "Then it moved and I was dumbfounded." The foot-long snake was on a landing at the top of the stairs in the building, which had some doors propped open because of the unseasonably warm daytime temperatures last week, he said. By the way, snowing there now. That’s Utah weather for ya. Colby said he thought it may have been a garter snake, but when it coiled up in a corner, a co-worker told him it was a rattler. "I just hate snakes," he said, probably in an effeminate voice. "I didn't care what it was." Colby's discovery was the second of its type, with two more snakes found in the days to follow. Kowalewski said three of the snakes were safely captured and removed, while a fourth was killed… I’m sure it was self defense. A reptile expert was on campus Wednesday afternoon to determine if any more snakes remain and to assist campus officials in preventing a possible return. "What we have discovered quickly is that we are not experts on reptiles or rattlesnakes," Kowalewski said. Mail service employees were sent home early Wednesday and only a few printing press operators remain to finish up a job (aka the MEN!!!). Weber State, he added, will wait for the all-clear before employees return. "First and foremost we are concerned about the safety and health of our employees in that building," he said. Arlo Wing, a wildlife specialist with the state Division of Wildlife Resources, points out that rattlesnakes are a protected and misunderstood species and if all possible, appropriate agencies should be contacted for a safe removal. "They do a lot of good for the environment. We do recognize there can be conflicts with public safety, but their benefits outweigh a lot of the negative connotations that many people have about them." What does that mean? Now the snakes have human conspirators assisting them. Misunderstood? Good for the environment? Who the f**k does this guy think he is fooling? Anyway, back to the story. It's likely that changing temperatures are among the factors contributing to the rattlesnake issue on campus, added another division employee. "It's not surprising to me at all that there would be rattlesnakes there," said Phil Douglass, pointing to the building's location next to the mountains. "You get them even further down in town." Douglass, the state's conservation outreach manager, said they may also be looking for a suitable place to bunk down for the winter. Once snakes pick a place, they can be hard tenants to evict, he said. "Telling a snake where to go is a little bit like sweeping the tide back with a broom. They are going to be where they are going to be." Yup… and they’ve decided that Earth is where they’re going to be… ALL OF IT!!! Sure, now it’s just a few of our homes, maybe the occasional post office or police station is under direst, not a big deal, right? We’re human beings! We have whole armies that we can finance to protect those of us who aren’t willing to fight… even from nature itself. Oh really?

Apocalypse Update: Spain - Most of us dread visiting a cash machine at one time or another. It’s usually a hassle, homeless people & charities camp out there guilting you into donations, maybe you’re just broke & don’t want anybody to know about it, and we’re all just kind of waiting for the day that we can download cash to our phones. But instead of being shocked by the state of his bank balance, one customer in Spain was surprised to be dispensed a vicious snake along with his cash. The middle-aged man had stopped at the ATM to pick up some quick cash… and BAM!!! Snake attack!!! The video on the link shows a police officer taunting the snake with his baton. Eventually the manager was able to free the snake by activating the machine from the inside. It was then put into a box and taken to a shelter… where if they were smart, they tortured it to find out the locations of other insurgent serpents & their BIG plans for world domination. Police have not ruled out the possibility that someone may have put the reptile in the cash machine for a prank. However, as the ATM is in a rural area it is feasible the snake got there on its own accord. Chil’ please! You & I both know this was a blatant attack. Forget Class Warfare! These power-hungry pythons are going straight to Phylum Warfare! (Tehehe, sometimes I think I’m the only one who loves my nerdy science jokes) Anything with arms or legs, attack! They’re also trying to cut off our money supply… so that we can no longer finance our armies. My gods, these bastardly boas are clever! The moral of the story… never leave your house without your machete. Why? I’d rather you had it & not need it… then for you to need it & not have one. Stopping by 7-Eleven after work to grab a steak & pepper jack taquito, grab some cash for the weekend, then SURPRISE!!! African rock python tries to turn you into a Big Gulp. “There’s too many mutha f**kin’ snakes in my mutha f**kin’ convenience store!” A single swing sends the surprising serpent’s scaly skull spiraling skyward. That’s decapitation AND alliteration, Holmes! Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. Added bonus to the machete, you ALWAYS get a seat on the bus. “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” “F**k no! Take the whole bench, this is my stop.”

That will do it for today. Hopefully we get the internet soon so that I can get these things out more regularly. Lots of pictures with the Vegas trip looming & hopefully by the time you’re reading this, you’ve seen the Halloween pics from the past few years. Have a great night everybody!!!