Sexy Sexy Science

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Great football this weekend!!! Seriously, the Saints – 49ers game was definitely one for the ages. The home team is now one win away from the Super Bowl… with the bastard NY Giants standing in the way. GO NINERS!!! The Tebow magic has died down momentarily with a humbling loss to the Patriots… but they’ve already announced that he’s pegged as the starter for next year so that’s a good start. Hopefully over the offseason he can become a more pure quarterback… but with undeniable heart & athleticism. Remember, Tom Brady wasn’t always Tom Brady… but he worked hard and it came to be. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past few years… it’s to never doubt Tebow!!! Thank you & God bless…

Saturday, I searched for a suitable laptop as my current laptop is about a decade old & on its last leg… or whatever the equivalent would be for a laptop. It’s been frustrating me… and so I ordered a new one (costs $200 less online as opposed to directly with my local Best Buy so… yeah, I can wait a week). While I was at Best Buy though, they had a special on pre-owned PS3 games… so basically I walked out of there with four “old” games (Duke Nukkem Forever, Infamous, Dead Rising 2 & NHL 2011) for about $30, which is awesome. I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Oh, I also upgraded my PS3 from a 60GB hard drive to a 500GB drive, so I can start using its full capabilities (music, video, etc) instead of just a few demos downloaded of the Playstation Store. So yeah, Saturday was upgrading my technology… until football started.

Sunday was the start of another basketball season & we played a pretty good game. I wasn’t my best at all… missed a lot of easy shots & free throws… but that kind of happens when I’m matched up against a guy better suited for left tackle & loved taking good, firm cheap shots whenever he could. Seriously, guy had a hundred pounds on me… but I still destroyed him game-wise. I can’t guard everybody though… and like I said I was missing shots when/if they were getting me the ball, but I still had about a dozen points which wasn’t too bad considering the rib shots, getting my knee whacked good & a chop to the throat that all still kind of ache a day or so later. We ended up losing by four points… but we really should’ve dominated. I’m a little disappointed in myself… but hey, next game. Can’t change the last one. We’re still not really playing as a team much… but the only time we see each other is at the games so, no real plan of attack other than whatever comes to mind during the game… and everybody wants to take shots but not do the dirty work.

Monday, I found out that I could do a chat with my brother on his PS3… using my webcam for my laptop & a Bluetooth from a game that he bought me last year called “Warhawk” so that’s okay. Got to see him & C-Rock in a grainy ass way. Why do I mention this? Because my mom has a PS3 as well… and so now once in a while, she can probably do the same thing… and when the niece & nephew visit on weekends, they get to see their Uncle $teve on the TV when they talk to him (and the connection will actually be quite a bit better than my cell phone). That’s awesome to me, so I thought I’d share it with you. You’re welcome! Anybody else who wants to get in on this PS3 chat tip, drop me a friend request at SJK69. That’s right, that’s my ID, deal with it. You know you love it.

Tuesday morning, I did my taxes bright & early because… well, they’re really simple… you know, finally having one job in one state for an entire year will do that… and basically, my return was nearly double what it was last year living in Tahoe. Why? Well obviously I was getting paid a lot more as well as I didn’t go on unemployment for 3 weeks. There were also a few moving expenses deductions in there so yeah, good times. Moving out here to San Francisco has been a fairly good financial situation for me thus far. On top of the taxes, I’ve been ballin’ out of control with several vacations & road trips, but with all the money I’m saving on stuff like gas, I’m able to save a few hundred bucks a month. It would be even better if I could avoid parking tickets, ordering $30 pizzas, extravagant mixology experiments when I’m already buzzed, and other stuff like that… but it’s all part of the experience. I’m really happy here… but yeah, it does get a little lonely… but hey, only one way to change that… and I’m working on it. I’m a charming & good looking guy, I just need to get out there & do something with it. That’s all. Anyway, enough about that, here’s the news…

Jay-Z / Beyonce Update - A newly discovered horse fly in Australia was so "bootylicious" with its golden-haired bum, there was only one name worthy of its beauty: Beyonce. Previously published results from Bryan Lessard, a 24-year-old researcher at Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, were recently announced on the species that had been sitting in a fly collection since it was captured in 1981 — the same year pop diva Beyonce was born (and yours truly). He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect's beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae. Lessard said Beyonce would be "in the nature history books forever" and that the fly now bearing her name is "pretty bootylicious" with its golden backside. "Bootylicious" was the title of a song by Beyonce's previous group, Destiny's Child. It's unknown if the rare species is a bloodsucker like many female horse flies (and other species, I said it!!!). Lessard says he was unable to find any live specimens when he went looking in 2010 in northeast Queensland's Atherton Tablelands, where it was captured three decades ago. However, at least one member of the public has alerted him that he was recently bitten by what's locally called the "gold bum fly." The description of the fly was earlier published in the Australian Journal of Entomology, but the results were announced last week. Lessard says he hasn't heard from Beyonce, who recently gave birth to her first child, but he is a fan and hopes she will take his scientific gesture as a compliment… and maybe say heeeeey? He also said the name was picked to help draw attention to the importance of his field and the need for more researchers to catalog and study insects. Horse flies are "vital pollinators of native plants, not just in Australia, but all over the world. It's extremely important to name all the undescribed species so we can measure our human impact on the environment and hopefully protect it for future generations to enjoy." See? Some nice marketing for scientists out there… even the ones that study bugs, which granted isn’t even the sexiest job in the scientist community (been a while since a sexbot update). However, it is vital important as they say. I know here in California its of major importance with regards to bee populations helping all our fruits, vegetables & nuts to grow so that we can feed the world. Keep up the good work… and I hope Beyonce hollas back… otherwise, I’d rename it to “Bug-a-boo”!!! (PS Also a Destiny’s Child song, just so you catch the joke)

Barbie Update - Iran's morality police are cracking down on the sale of Barbie dolls to protect the public from what they see as pernicious western culture eroding Islamic values, shopkeepers said on Monday. As the West imposes the toughest ever sanctions on Iran and tensions rise over its nuclear program, inside the country the Barbie ban is part of what the government calls a "soft war" against decadent cultural influences. "About three weeks ago they (the morality police) came to our shop, asking us to remove all the Barbies," said a shopkeeper in a toy shop in northern Tehran. Iran's religious rulers first declared Barbie, made by U.S. company Mattel Inc, un-Islamic in 1996, citing its "destructive cultural and social consequences." Despite the ban, the doll has until recently been openly on sale in Tehran shops. The new order, issued around three weeks ago, forced shopkeepers to hide the leggy, busty blonde behind other toys as a way of meeting popular demand for the dolls while avoiding being closed down by the police. Yes, this is the same Iran that’s trying to be a nuclear power. I’m thinking that it’ll eventually work itself into black market Barbie sells. A range of officially approved dolls launched in 2002 to counter demand for Barbie have not proven successful, merchants told Reuters. The dolls named Sara, a female, and Dara, a male (really?) arrived in shops wearing a variety of traditional dress, with Sara fully respecting the rule that all women in Iran must obey in public, of covering their hair and wearing loose-fitting clothes. How have the consumers spoken? "My daughter prefers Barbies. She says Sara and Dara are ugly and fat," said Farnaz, a 38-year-old mother, adding that she could not find Barbie cartoon DVDs as she was told they were also banned from public sale. Pointing to a doll covered in black long veil, a 40-year-old Tehran toy shop manager said: "We still sell Barbies but secretly and put these in the window to make the police think we are just selling these kinds of dolls." See? You have to go to bodegas to get your blonde fix… and sex sells, baby! Yes, even in the doll game. Iran has fought a running battle to purge pervasive western culture from the country since its Islamic revolution overthrew a western-backed king in 1979, enforcing Islamic dress codes, banning Western music and foreign satellite television. As another swipe at the West, Iranians will soon be able to buy toy versions of the U.S. spy drone that it captured in December, Iranian media reported. Models of the bat-wing RQ-170 Sentinel - which Iran's military displayed on TV after it was downed near the Afghan border - will be mass produced in a variety of colors, reports said. Eh… we’ve got plenty of the real thing & are always improving on them. Enjoy your toys… and our Barbies.

Laser Clark Gable – Well, it’s been a while since THE Clark Gable has made some news… so now it’s up to his progeny… even if it’s a little on the crazy side. Clark Gable's 23-year-old grandson has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for pointing a green laser at a Los Angeles police helicopter as it flew 800 feet over Hollywood. City News Service says the judge, who gave Clark James Gable credit for one day already served in jail, also placed him on three years' probation. He was sentenced Thursday. Gable pleaded guilty last month to felony discharge of a laser. He flashed the laser three times at the helicopter while riding as a passenger in a car on July 28. Officers aboard the helicopter pinpointed the source of the 52-milliwatt laser and directed officers on the ground to make an arrest. That’s right. You can go to jail for some childish sh*t. Keep that in mind next time you play with those little lasers. I know they’re fun… but if Clark Gable can go to jail for it… you don’t stand a f**king chance.

Most Beautiful Scientific Theories – Okay, this is a warning… but I’m about to nerd up on ya… so prepare yourself. From Darwinian evolution to the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance, the favorite theories of the world's most eminent thinkers are as eclectic as science itself. Every January, John Brockman, the impresario and literary agent who presides over the online salon Edge.org, asks his circle of scientists, digerati and humanities scholars to tackle one question. In previous years, they have included "how is the Internet changing the way you think?" and "what is the most important invention in the last 2,000 years?" This year, he posed the open-ended question "what is your favorite deep, elegant or beautiful explanation?" The responses, released at midnight on Sunday, provide a crash course in science both well known and far out-of-the-box, as admired by the likes of Astronomer Royal Martin Rees, physicist Freeman Dyson and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Several of the nearly 200 scholars nominated what are arguably the two most powerful scientific theories ever developed. "Darwin's natural selection wins hands down," argues Dawkins, emeritus professor at Oxford University. "Never in the field of human comprehension were so many facts explained by assuming so few," he says of the theory that encompasses everything about life, based on the idea of natural selection operating on random genetic mutations (aka the Platypus). Einstein's theory of relativity, which explains gravity as the curvature of space, also gets a few nods. As theoretical physicist Steve Giddings of the University of California, Santa Barbara, writes, "This central idea has shaped our ideas of modern cosmology (and) given us the image of the expanding universe." General relativity explains black holes, the bending of light and "even offers a possible explanation of the origin of our Universe - as quantum tunneling from 'nothing,'" he writes.

Many of the nominated ideas, however, won't be found in science courses taught in high school or even college. Terrence Sejnowski, a computational neuroscientist at the Salk Institute, extols the discovery that the conscious, deliberative mind is not the author of important decisions such as what work people do and who they marry. Instead, he writes, "an ancient brain system called the basal ganglia, brain circuits that consciousness cannot access," pull the strings. Running on the neurochemical dopamine, they predict how rewarding a choice will be - if I pick this apartment, how happy will I be? - "evaluate the current state of the entire cortex and inform the brain about the best course of action," explains Sejnowski. Only later do people construct an explanation of their choices, he said in an interview, convincing themselves incorrectly that volition and logic were responsible. That’s a pretty interesting theory, in my humble opinion. A kind of scientific explanation for “going with your gut” even if it’s against logic… and then later basically convincing yourself that it seemed like the best decision at the time. Hmm… I don’t see how that could apply to my life at all (please disregard the last 3+ years of this blog). To neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky of Stanford University, the most beautiful idea is emergence, in which complex phenomena almost magically come into being from extremely simple components. For instance, a human being arises from a few thousand genes. The intelligence of an ant colony - labor specialization, intricate underground nests - emerges from the seemingly senseless behavior of thousands of individual ants. "Critically, there's no blueprint or central source of command," says Sapolsky. Each individual ant has a simple algorithm for interacting with the environment, "and out of this emerges a highly efficient colony." Among other tricks, the colony has solved the notorious Traveling Salesman problem, or the challenge of stopping at a long list of destinations by the shortest route possible. Also very interesting… here are a few others mentioned in the article…

Stephen Kosslyn, director of the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences at Stanford, is most impressed by Pavlovian conditioning, in which a neutral stimulus such as a sound comes to be associated with a reward, such as food, producing a response, such as salivation. That much is familiar. Less well known is that Pavlovian conditioning might account for placebo effects. After people have used analgesics such as ibuprofen or aspirin many times, the drugs begin to have effects before their active ingredients kick in. From previous experience, the mere act of taking the pill has become like Pavlov's bell was for his dogs, causing them to salivate: the "conditioned stimulus" of merely seeing the pill "triggers the pain-relieving processes invoked by the medicine itself," explains Kosslyn. Science theories that explain puzzling human behavior or the inner workings of the universe were also particular favorites of the Edge contributors:

* Psychologist Alison Gopnik of the University of California, Berkeley, is partial to one that accounts for why teenagers are so restless, reckless and emotional. Two brain systems, an emotional motivational system and a cognitive control system, have fallen out of sync, she explains. The control system that inhibits impulses and allows you to delay gratification kicks in later than it did in past generations, but the motivational system is kicking in earlier and earlier. The result: "A striking number of young adults who are enormously smart and knowledgeable but directionless, who are enthusiastic and exuberant but unable to commit to a particular work or a particular love until well into their twenties or thirties." Wait… they KNEW about this & did nothing to help my enormously smart ass? DAMN YOU SCIENTISTS!!!

* Neurobiologist Sam Barondes of the University of California, San Francisco, nominates the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance. One serendipitous force is which parental genes happen to be in the egg and sperm that produced the child. "But there is also chance in how neurodevelopmental processes unfold - a little virus here, an intrauterine event there, and you have chance all over the place," he said in an interview. Another toss of the dice: how a parent will respond to a child's genetic disposition to be outgoing, neurotic, open to new experience and the like, either reinforcing the innate tendencies or countering them. The role of chance in creating differences between people has moral consequences, says Barondes, "promoting understanding and compassion for the wide range of people with whom we share our lives."

* Timothy Wilson nominates the idea that "people become what they do." While people's behavior arises from their character - someone returns a lost wallet because she is honest - "the reverse also holds," says the University of Virginia psychologist. If we return a lost wallet, our assessment of how honest we are rises through what he calls "self-inference." One implication of this phenomenon: "We should all heed Kurt Vonnegut's advice," Wilson says: "'We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.'" True dat…

* Psychologist David Myers of Hope College finds "group polarization" a beautiful idea, since it explains how interacting with others tends to amplify people's initial views. In particular, discussing issues with like-minded peers -increasingly the norm in the United States, where red states attract conservatives and blue states attract liberals - push people toward extremes. "The surprising thing is that the group as a whole becomes more extreme than its pre-discussion average," he said in an interview. So in other words, putting crazy people in the same room make them crazier than the sum of their parts? Don’t worry, the opposite works too like Tony Robbins said, where if you surround yourself with people that you want to be like, then you’re more likely to become like those people.

* Martin Rees, professor of cosmology and astrophysics at the University of Cambridge, nominates the "astonishing concept" that what we consider the universe "could be hugely more extensive" than what astronomers observe. If true, the known cosmos may instead "be a tiny part of the aftermath of 'our' big bang, which is itself just one bang among a perhaps-infinite ensemble," Rees writes. Even more intriguing is that different physics might prevail in these different universes, so that "some of what we call 'laws of nature' may ... be local bylaws." I assume that whoever came up with that idea was probably smoking a joint with some buddies, as I’ve heard stuff like that growing up all the time. Good work, scientists! I dig your ways of thinking.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Gonna be a busy couple of weeks coming up but hey, that’s why I get paid the big bucks… and leads to big tax returns. BOO-YAH!!! Maybe I’ll finally get that chalice to complete my ensemble. It’s been so long since this pimp has had a proper drinking receptacle. This weekend should also be some good times with the 49ers playing in the NFC Championship for the first time since I could drive a car legally. GO NINERS!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Man Eating Super Snake

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past few days haven’t been very eventful per se. I hung out with the roommates and watched TV a few nights, basketball season started for my work team & I’ve already been nicknamed $tevie Franchise because of my play our first game (we lost, but I did pretty damn good), started working on the backyard a bit… but that’s about it. It started getting really cold overnight too… but only by Bay Area standards, not Tahoe. Oh… Thursday night, I was flipping through the channels with the roommates and their friends… and we came across “Man Eating Super Snake” on Animal Planet… about African rock pythons in Florida… and how they may crossbreed with Burmese pythons to form a super snake. The intro stated that… and the roommates were instantly enthralled, so to save time, I brought them up to speed on $teve’s Apocalypse theory and mentioned a few things from my blog… and they seemed skeptical… until the show backed up just about everything I said… and then went a step further to add dramatizations of the stories I told about kids getting snatched up. Oh yeah… they watched the entire show. My message is spreading now… but more updates on that later.

My weekend was a little rainy so we didn’t get to fixing up the backyard… which probably worked out because Nurse’s family was in town. I got to hang with them a bit & they were a lot of fun. We also watched “Crazy Stupid Love” starring Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon, & the ageless Marisa Tomei. It’s a romantic comedy about love & how crazy & stupid it is. More specific? Okay, a man (Carell) & wife (Moore) are getting a divorce, because she’s having an affair with a coworker (Bacon). He goes to a bar & meets this playa (Gosling) who teaches him that he just needs to dress nicer & have confidence to get back on the horse of dating. Meanwhile there’s the subplot with their 13 year old son & his hot 17 year old babysitter. You know what, just go watch the movie. It’s pretty good for a romantic comedy. I’d watch it again… but certainly not alone. That’s just dumb. A man who watches a romantic comedy by himself is a sad creature. By the way, please don’t read back on past entries to see if I’ve watched romantic comedies by myself… because I’m pretty sure I have… but I do it for you guys, so it’s okay, right? Right. Next…

I also had brunch with Bubbles at The Magic Flute, which was rated as the best brunch in San Francisco… and that’s quite a statement. The food was pretty good, we shared the salmon & hunter’s scrambles and crostini for appetizers. I highly recommend the place… but of course the reason for going there was to catch up on going-ons. We’ve basically decided that we’re going to try to set up Wednesday nights as a weekly occurrence when we meet up, go to a restaurant in different neighborhoods each week, catch up on gossip, make each other laugh a bit, have a drink or two, repeat next week. I like the idea. As to whether it’ll happen consistently we shall see… but I’m optimistic. I’m always down for trying new things… and it really helps when you have somebody to adventure with.

Monday night was softball night… and it wasn’t pretty. We were down 5-1 in the 5th and the other team, how do I put this? They weren’t the most sporting of opponents. They certainly weren’t the ladies & gentlemen that we were. There was some real sh*t talking and yes, even profanity from time to time. We won’t stand for that. Long story short, we rallied and won yet again, so next week is the championship. Thankfully I haven’t been playing much (because softball’s not my thang & I don’t want to be the weak link out there) but I’ve been a fantastic cheerleader (especially in the direction of the other team when we were rallying back… nothing bad, just REALLY loud). Afterwards, we went to Park 77 again and had some pizza & beers. This is always a good time for me to get to know my coworkers because frankly, I’m locked in the basement most of the day & don’t get to get out & see everybody… but it’s always good when I do. Let my personality shine, get to know each other… and frankly, most of the ladies that I work with… smokin’ hot. I know the phrase “Don’t sh*t where you eat” comes in to play… and that phrase always confused me because I don’t know what kind of fecophile stuff you’ve got going on in your bedroom… but still, great fun & great eye candy. Now the basketball team just needs more ladies…

Barbie Update – Speaking of things that I’ve predicted years ago coming to fruition, allow me to tell you a story. Back in high school, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas… and being a fairly independent soul, I said nothing but your Love… and maybe some new pants. Being the greatest mother ever, she insisted on more to add to the list… so in a fit of silliness, I said “I want a Gangsta B**ch Barbie” and then went on to describe that it was a very rare item, not unlike Tickle My Pickle Elmo & wished her luck in finding it. Well, a few months later, I opened a package to find… a custom made Gangsta B**ch Barbie… complete with tattoos, mini skirt, high heels, doo rag over blonde cornrows, a joint in her mouth & a gat in her purse. It was basically the greatest gift ever for a 16 year old straight boy, as you might imagine. Thanks mom! Remember this was 1997, so these views of women were very different from what they are today. Well, I guess I’m just ahead of my time… because now, there’s a new Barbie. But with pink hair and tattoos across her shoulders and neck, U.S. toymaker Mattel's latest collector's edition Barbie doll could be compared more to the edgy female heroine of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than to the more traditional Barbies. Since its release earlier this month online, the $50 (31 pound) limited edition doll designed by Los Angeles-based fashion company tokidoki and aimed at adult collectors, has sold out but not before causing controversy. "Is the New 'Tokidoki' Tattoo Barbie Inappropriate for Children?" the magazine U.S. News & World Report asked in a recent headline. Some parents in the United States also questioned whether the toy company that launched the original Barbie in 1959 should be promoting body art. "It's teaching kids to want tattoos before they are old enough to dress like that," Kevin Buckner, of Virginia, told a local television station. No one was available from Mattel to comment on the issue but not all the feedback has been negative. Some adults said the doll reflected modern fashion and pop culture (and of course $teve IS pop culture). "Have you seen Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, Rihanna?" Candace Caswell, a 30-year-old mother from New York asked in an email interview, adding that the pop stars have tattoos and wear wigs and crazy clothes. "They are capturing a snapshot of pop culture the way it really is. Barbie is not raising my daughter. I am," she added… I’m assuming while giving “the look” to her computer screen while typing. For Heather Gately Stoll, of Colorado, tattoos are not the issue. "What is inappropriate for kids are her measurements," she said about the shapely doll. "If she can change personalities why can't she change her shape and size?" And while New York mother Sue Dennis would not spend $50 on the doll, she is not offended by it. "I have a 16 month-old son and the tokidoki Barbie is more the diverse image of women I would like to present to him versus more traditional ones," she said. The tokidoki Barbie is not the first to sport tattoos. In 2009, some stores pulled Mattel's Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie following complaints, and a year earlier Mattel collaborated with motorcycle manufacturer Harley Davidson to produce a Barbie with wings tattooed on her back. Production of tattooed Butterfly Art Barbie was halted in 1999 after parents voiced their concerns. Gayatri Bhalla, 41, of Washington D.C, who writes a blog about experiences for tween girls, sees it as a marketing issue. "On the one hand, the company likes to hold Barbie up as the iconic American toy for girls and use her to promote things that most parents wouldn't object to, such as Take Your Daughter To Work Day," she said. "But they also create Barbie in images that a lot of parents wouldn't choose to hold up as a role model for their young daughters, and a full-body tattooed doll falls into this camp." Check it out, I’ve got a solution. If you don’t like it, don’t f**king buy it. Go buy some of those stupid Bratz that are obviously teaching great values about shopping & makeup… or buy a baby that wets itself so that you can teach your daughter to be a teenage mother. Seriously, who cares? I do. Why? Because I was right. It’s not quite Gangsta B**ch Barbie… but you’re never going to get a name like that past the board. Perhaps… Fallen on Hard Times Barbie or… Urban Beauty Barbie … or my personal favorite, BWA (Barbie With Attitude). Keep an eye out for that one… crack baby sold separately.

Carmen Sandiego MOVIE? – Fresh off trying to pick up on a beautiful Carmen Sandiego this weekend, I get some pretty good news. Walden Media has picked up the live-action film rights to the classic educational game series turned animated show "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reports Deadline. An official synopsis is already out: "When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?" Sounds kick ass, right? Well, there’s a twist. Walden plans to turn the property into a feature starring Jennifer Lopez as the title character, though at present J-Lo is attached to produce only alongside Benny Medina, Simon Fields, Nick Osbourne, Trevor Engelson and Devin Andre. The tone is said to be akin to "National Treasure" meets "The Thomas Crown Affair". Disney previously optioned the film rights to the property in the late 1990s and developed a version for Sandra Bullock, but that version never took off (thank God). In short, good news that Carmen may be hitting a big screen near you… and probably a few sequels. Bad news that it may be J-Lo playing her.

Now… for how $teve would turn this into a billion dollar grossing movie. I love the premise. Not making it too kiddy even though it’s based on an educational game & I think the National Treasure movies are PG, right? I’d go PG-13 because… is Carmen even on TV anymore? Anyway, solid PG-13. Switch it up so that Angelina Jolie is Carmen Sandiego… or if she won’t do it, go with Eva Mendes… or check this twist, don’t even reveal her face until near the end. How? “These are the last photos we have… but she may have had extensive plastic surgery since these were taken months ago…” Done. You know what, scrap that. Angelina… and her former partner who has to track her down? No, not Brad Pitt, that’s too easy… but there may have to be a romantic past involved… but I’m thinking a younger protégé kind of dynamic… so let’s go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (you’re welcome) or Ryan Gosling or something, I don’t know. Whatever puts asses in seats nowadays. Anyway, story goes on… follow the clues… exotic locations… trivial knowledge… uncover the conspiracy… maybe she’s not a villain… and then the truth is revealed… she was trying to bring down a mysterious & elusive international kingpin of legendary status, with whom she is also romantically linked. How is this kingpin? Code name: Waldo… played of course by the remarkably talented acting debut of yours truly… and yes, I could totally pull off the Waldo as a suave Bond-like villain… even in candy cane striped silk from head to toe. You’re welcome, Hollywood!!! Though you’ll probably make it with J-Lo & Justin Bieber or something. Speaking of which…

Canadian Bieber in Jeopardy? – Teenager pop sensation Justin Bieber has denied allegations he fathered a child in a backstage bathroom and says he has never met the woman who filed the paternity suit against him. "To set the record straight, none of it is true," the teen heartthrob declared Friday during a brief appearance on NBC's "Today" show. As mobs of fans screamed adoringly in Rockefeller Plaza, Bieber called it "crazy" that anyone would make up such a story. "I know I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim," Bieber told "Today" host Matt Lauer. "It's crazy, because every night after the show I've gone right from the stage right to my car. So it's crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations." Okay, I’m stepping in right here… and if this is true… I know there have been other rumors out there that Mr. Bieber prefers the company of… let’s say non-females. If he’s an international superstar… with millions of adoring & willing fans… and all he’s doing is going straight from his show to his car… I’m thinking that he & the Jonas Brothers are either full of sh*t or not living up to their potential. Regardless, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. The paternity suit was filed in San Diego Superior Court by Mariah Yeater earlier this week. She had just turned 19 when she says she and Bieber, then 16, had a brief sexual encounter after one of the singer's concerts last fall at Los Angeles' Staples Center… and for some reason, she alleges that it was in a backstage bathroom as opposed to, I don’t know, a dressing room or limo or hotel suite or anything else. Interesting. She said she gave birth to a boy in July and believes Bieber is the father because there were no other possible men she had sex with at that time. That is… unless she was drunk & just banged a guy who looked like or said that he was Justin Bieber… but who would do such a thing? Answer: Somebody who looks like Justin Bieber to a drunk 19-year old. Asked if he knows Yeater, Bieber told Lauer, "Never met the woman." Yeater is asking a judge for child support and a paternity test. A hearing is scheduled for Dec 15th. Her lawyer has described her as a stay-at-home mother who is looking for adequate child support if a paternity test determines Bieber is the father. Meanwhile, in an obvious twist to this whole situation, Los Angeles police have said Yeater could be investigated for having had sex with a minor. It's illegal in California to have sex with someone under age 18. If the other person is not more than three years older, it is a misdemeanor, which carries up to a one-year jail sentence. Along with knocking down rumors, Bieber's appearance was apparently timed to the release of a Christmas album. "It's hard to record a Christmas album in September," he said. Do I really need to start a conspiracy about the timing of these allegations? No? Good, because that’s not what’s important here. What IS important… you know what, I have no idea what it even is. Is Justin a baby daddy? Unlikely, but possible. Is the baby mama lying? Likely… but short of a spot on Maury Povich, I don’t see this playing out much further. Why does anybody care about Justin Bieber? That’s the real mystery.

Canadian Beaver in Jeopardy? – You have to love politicians. Instead of doing real work, a Canadian senator has launched a campaign to replace the industrious beaver with the indomitable polar bear as Canada's national emblem, saying the incumbent is "a dentally defective rat." Conservative Senator Nicole Eaton delivered her damning criticism in the Senate last week, noting that the beavers wreak havoc on the dock at her waterfront cottage every summer. Now, for the moment, just forget that some spoiled b**ch is complaining about something at her waterfront summer cottage & listen to her argument. "A country's symbols are not constant and can change over time. The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity is perfect for the part." My counterpoint: If polar bears were so resourceful, don’t you think they’d have built a new place to live since we’ve destroyed their ice caps. Check. And. Mate. The beaver became Canada's only official national animal in 1975. Why? Trade in the beaver pelts, used to make fashionable fur hats, drove European expansion in North America in the 1600s and early 1700s. So it’s only fitting that some 300 years later, the animals are honored for their sacrificed skins for the better benefit of the nation. Much like we would do for the mighty buffalo if eagles weren’t so f**king cool & Americans invented flight (THAT’S WRIGHT, I SAID IT!!!). Eaton said the ever-busy dambuilders are now nuisance, but avoided mentioning another gnawing problem with the emblem: In modern times, its name is slang for female genitals (GASP!!! Since when?). Last year The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines, re-christened itself Canada's History, complaining that its emails and newsletters were being blocked by internet filters. The magazine said market research showed younger Canadians and women were not interested in buying the publication because of its name (“No, seriously. I do read it for the articles… there’s a great one about the founding of Montreal. Will you PLEASE just LOOK AT IT?”). As for Eaton's proposed replacement, Keith Stewart, a climate change campaigner with Greenpeace Canada, was skeptical. "You have a Conservative senator proposing to replace the beaver with the polar bear as the symbol of Canada, yet her government's climate policy would appear to do everything possible to wipe our polar bears by the end of the century," he said. Stewart said the debate was a distraction… but he was too late… because I had already pointed that out earlier this paragraph. So what do you think? Should Canada change its national animal from a hard-working & resilient (as well as tight-fitting) beaver… to a homeless minority of the bear community? That’s what I thought. Now for some real animal news that threatens all of those around you…

Apocalypse Update: Utah – With just over a year until the foretold end of the Mayan calendar, I bring you a trilogy of updates in the Apocalyptic future of the world. For more, feel free to refer to these other entries from years past. You’re welcome. Now, they’re going straight for my hometown. Four young rattlesnakes found in the span of a week in a building at Weber State University have officials scaling back operations until it's deemed safe for workers to return. The Receiving and Distribution Center — in the foothills of the great city of Ogden, birthplace of the awesomeness that is $teve — houses printing operations and mail services and is not frequented by students, said campus spokesman John Kowalewski. A young rattlesnake found at Weber State University's campus is among four found in the span of a week. WSU officials are taking precautions. Still, workers who stumbled upon the young rattlers last week are unnerved and questioning if more of the reptiles may have found their way inside the building. "At first, I thought it was a fake," said mail center employee Brad Colby, describing his Oct. 24 encounter with one. "Then it moved and I was dumbfounded." The foot-long snake was on a landing at the top of the stairs in the building, which had some doors propped open because of the unseasonably warm daytime temperatures last week, he said. By the way, snowing there now. That’s Utah weather for ya. Colby said he thought it may have been a garter snake, but when it coiled up in a corner, a co-worker told him it was a rattler. "I just hate snakes," he said, probably in an effeminate voice. "I didn't care what it was." Colby's discovery was the second of its type, with two more snakes found in the days to follow. Kowalewski said three of the snakes were safely captured and removed, while a fourth was killed… I’m sure it was self defense. A reptile expert was on campus Wednesday afternoon to determine if any more snakes remain and to assist campus officials in preventing a possible return. "What we have discovered quickly is that we are not experts on reptiles or rattlesnakes," Kowalewski said. Mail service employees were sent home early Wednesday and only a few printing press operators remain to finish up a job (aka the MEN!!!). Weber State, he added, will wait for the all-clear before employees return. "First and foremost we are concerned about the safety and health of our employees in that building," he said. Arlo Wing, a wildlife specialist with the state Division of Wildlife Resources, points out that rattlesnakes are a protected and misunderstood species and if all possible, appropriate agencies should be contacted for a safe removal. "They do a lot of good for the environment. We do recognize there can be conflicts with public safety, but their benefits outweigh a lot of the negative connotations that many people have about them." What does that mean? Now the snakes have human conspirators assisting them. Misunderstood? Good for the environment? Who the f**k does this guy think he is fooling? Anyway, back to the story. It's likely that changing temperatures are among the factors contributing to the rattlesnake issue on campus, added another division employee. "It's not surprising to me at all that there would be rattlesnakes there," said Phil Douglass, pointing to the building's location next to the mountains. "You get them even further down in town." Douglass, the state's conservation outreach manager, said they may also be looking for a suitable place to bunk down for the winter. Once snakes pick a place, they can be hard tenants to evict, he said. "Telling a snake where to go is a little bit like sweeping the tide back with a broom. They are going to be where they are going to be." Yup… and they’ve decided that Earth is where they’re going to be… ALL OF IT!!! Sure, now it’s just a few of our homes, maybe the occasional post office or police station is under direst, not a big deal, right? We’re human beings! We have whole armies that we can finance to protect those of us who aren’t willing to fight… even from nature itself. Oh really?

Apocalypse Update: Spain - Most of us dread visiting a cash machine at one time or another. It’s usually a hassle, homeless people & charities camp out there guilting you into donations, maybe you’re just broke & don’t want anybody to know about it, and we’re all just kind of waiting for the day that we can download cash to our phones. But instead of being shocked by the state of his bank balance, one customer in Spain was surprised to be dispensed a vicious snake along with his cash. The middle-aged man had stopped at the ATM to pick up some quick cash… and BAM!!! Snake attack!!! The video on the link shows a police officer taunting the snake with his baton. Eventually the manager was able to free the snake by activating the machine from the inside. It was then put into a box and taken to a shelter… where if they were smart, they tortured it to find out the locations of other insurgent serpents & their BIG plans for world domination. Police have not ruled out the possibility that someone may have put the reptile in the cash machine for a prank. However, as the ATM is in a rural area it is feasible the snake got there on its own accord. Chil’ please! You & I both know this was a blatant attack. Forget Class Warfare! These power-hungry pythons are going straight to Phylum Warfare! (Tehehe, sometimes I think I’m the only one who loves my nerdy science jokes) Anything with arms or legs, attack! They’re also trying to cut off our money supply… so that we can no longer finance our armies. My gods, these bastardly boas are clever! The moral of the story… never leave your house without your machete. Why? I’d rather you had it & not need it… then for you to need it & not have one. Stopping by 7-Eleven after work to grab a steak & pepper jack taquito, grab some cash for the weekend, then SURPRISE!!! African rock python tries to turn you into a Big Gulp. “There’s too many mutha f**kin’ snakes in my mutha f**kin’ convenience store!” A single swing sends the surprising serpent’s scaly skull spiraling skyward. That’s decapitation AND alliteration, Holmes! Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. Added bonus to the machete, you ALWAYS get a seat on the bus. “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” “F**k no! Take the whole bench, this is my stop.”

That will do it for today. Hopefully we get the internet soon so that I can get these things out more regularly. Lots of pictures with the Vegas trip looming & hopefully by the time you’re reading this, you’ve seen the Halloween pics from the past few years. Have a great night everybody!!!

Beware La Barbie!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Work’s busy. That is all. Back to Rhonda in the news center…

Barbie Update – Why am I showing a picture of a dude when this is a Barbie update? The Texas-born fugitive known as "the Barbie" grinned Tuesday as police paraded him in handcuffs and described his alleged life of luxury and savagery — cut short when he became the third suspected drug lord to fall in Mexico in the past 10 months in a coup for President Felipe Calderon's war on cartels. Edgar Valdez Villarreal, is a former Texas high school football player who allegedly jumped into the world of Mexican drug cartels and gradually rose through the ranks. He got his improbable nickname for his green eyes and fair complexion, is wanted in the U.S. for allegedly smuggling tons of cocaine. In Mexico, he is blamed for a brutal turf war that has included bodies hung from bridges, decapitations and shootouts as he and a rival fought for control of the divided Beltran Leyva cartel. As he was displayed to reporters on Tuesday, he still wore the green polo shirt in which he was captured the day before. He shifted his weight and smiled often as police described a high-flying and violent life. Security forces had been closing in on Valdez for over a year. Their biggest breakthrough was the death of his boss, Arturo Beltran Leyva, in a December shootout with marines, Federal Police Commissioner Facundo Rosas said at the news conference. The arrest of several of Valdez' allies, U.S. intelligence tips and other sources provided evidence that Valdez had left his home of 10 years in the resort of Acapulco — where he owned at least one posh bar that was raided in 2009 — to lead a lower-profile life in wealthy neighborhoods of Mexico City, Rosas said. Mexican security officials began getting hits on Valdez's whereabouts six weeks ago and approached U.S. officials for help, according to U.S. law enforcement officials in Washington, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the case They said intelligence from U.S. agents helped lead to his arrest. "We were on his heels for the last six weeks, receiving tips, but Mexican law enforcement would show up and they would miss him. He was feeling the heat of Mexican law enforcement," one of the officials said. Mexican federal police nearly nabbed Valdez during a raid in an upscale neighborhood of the Mexican capital on Aug. 8. He got away, Rosas said, but police found clues there that led them to a woody weekend getaway just outside the city where he was finally caught Tuesday by an elite squad of federal police trained abroad. His U.S. lawyer, Kent Schaffer, said Valdez's girlfriend and her mother were both arrested in recent Mexican operations, he said. "This has been going on for quite a while. They raided several of his homes. They detained his girlfriend's mother at one of his homes about three weeks ago," Schaffer told The Associated Press. "So you figure it's just a matter of a time." Valdez and four other people — described by police as Valdez's inner security circle — were pulling into the driveway when they were arrested, Rosas said in an interview with MVS radio. Although he had two guns and a grenade launcher (wow), Valdez didn't resist because police "never gave him the opportunity," Facundo said. Another of his associates with killed during a shootout with police outside a shopping mall in the city. Facundo said Valdez was found with three unostentatious compact cars — evidence that he had tried to lay low as security forces hunted him. Calderon called Valdez "one of the most-wanted criminals in Mexico and abroad" in a Tweet. He vowed that authorities will continue to chase the rest of his gang. Valdez, 37, was charged in May in U.S. District Court in Atlanta with distributing thousands of pounds of cocaine from Mexico to the eastern U.S. from 2004 to 2006. U.S. authorities had offered a reward of up to $2 million for information leading to his capture, and the Mexican government offered a similar amount. But Facundo said security forces nabbed Valdez on their own, and there would be no reward. Mexican authorities had not decided on any extradition plans. Schaffer said Valdez is an illegal immigrant in Mexico and could be deported (see? They’d do the same thing to us). "He was born and raised in Texas. His family's here. There's no Mexican citizenship at all," Schaffer told The Associated Press. "Mexico may not be so eager to hand him over, but it would be the smartest thing for Mexico to do politically." Facundo said deportation was a possibility but that police would prefer that he first face justice in Mexico for several dozen murders he is suspected to be behind. However, he said the final decision would be up to the federal Attorney General's Office. Schaffer said Valdez' safety could be compromised in a Mexican prison. "I'm sure there's a whole lot of people that are hoping that he would have been killed rather than captured," he said. Anyway, enough about living the life of drug-bought luxury, what would it be like to be known as “La Barbie” in a Mexican drug cartel. You have to be tough with a nickname like that. It’s not quite as menacing as… even something like “El Guapo” or “El Tortuga” or… “El Mariachi” or something? “They call him El. It means ‘The” in Spanish.” Oh… can’t wait for Danny Trejo to get a chance to star in “Machete”, it’s been far too long in the making. Where was I? Oh yeah, coming soon, Matt Damon is… La Barbie.

Hair Worth A Million – Something else fairly effeminate from a normally masculine district, American football star Troy Polamalu has a price on his head -- with an anti-dandruff shampoo brand taking out a $1 million insurance policy on his trademark mane of black ringlets (he’s Samoan so it’s a sign of manhood). Head & Shoulders said on Monday it had taken a $1 million Lloyd's of London policy on the locks of Pittsburgh Steelers' Polamalu, the Super Bowl-winning safety. Polamalu, 29, who was born in the United States but is of Samoan descent, says he has not cut his hair since 2000. He has been a spokesman for the Procter & Gamble Co brand for two years (with some of the most… let’s say, sexually questionable commercials of all time). "They've created the first ever insurance policy to protect his iconic mane for the entire NFL season," Procter & Gamble said in a statement. Polamalu, a five-time Pro Bowl selection, suffered some injuries last year but is back in the game and expected to be the backbone of his side's defense this season. His hair has come under attack on the field before, with Larry Johnson of the Chiefs tackling Polamalu by the hair in a 2006 game, but no details were given of exactly what damage to his hair would trigger a claim on the insurance policy. Split ends? Perhaps the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field effecting his shimmer? Just an interesting little bit of sports & fashion coming together. You’re welcome, ladies.

Marilyn Update – So… remember about a month ago when I was joking about a distinguished English actress like Judi Dench reading the Kama Sutra book-on-tape? Well, this story's pretty close too. Dame Judi Dench has signed on to the Marilyn Monroe semi-biopic "My Week With Marilyn" reports The Daily Mail. The story is based on a diary by Colin Clark, a young actor who worked for Laurence Olivier when the veteran actor shepherded Marilyn Monroe around London while she shot "The Prince and the Showgirl". Kenneth Branagh (“Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein”) and Michelle Williams (“Shutter Island”) are set to play Olivier and Monroe respectively, and Simon Curtis directs the project. Dench would play actress Sybil Thorndike, a fellow Dame who played the dowager queen in the film and one of the few people on the set who understood and got on with Monroe (whoa, wait, what? Oh, “got on” as in “got along” not “got it on” with Monroe). Dench will start shooting her scenes on September 20th, two weeks prior to the main body of the shoot. This is being done to accommodate Dench’s commitment to James Madden’s "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel", which has nothing to do with “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” so I’m told. So yeah… be careful what you wish for, right?

Cusack as Poe - John Cusack (“2012” & “1408”) has revealed through his Twitter account that he's set to play legendary writer Edgar Allan Poe. "officiali- will play edgar allen poe in fall-a-film called the raven, send any poe- gold - my way as i begin this journey into the abyss" says the tweet. By the way, f**king tweets, am I right? Have some respect for grammar and penmanship. The only excuse is if he sent that while driving down the PCH with a hooker snorting coke off his grosse point blanke. Anyway, at last report, James McTeigue ("V for Vendetta") would direct the project which re-imagines the author as something of a mid-19th century profiler who joins the hunt for a serial killer whose murders are inspired by his stories (as opposed to the incredibly depressing story of the writer’s life). The film's setting takes place during the final week leading up to Poe's death in 1849, during which the author essentially vanished for several days with no account of his whereabouts (like all superheroes). He was found wandering the streets of Baltimore in great distress and repeating the name Reynolds (Burt?) before dying several days later in hospital. Hannah Shakespeare (I’m assuming no relation to Billy Shakespeare) and Ben Livingston penned the screenplay. Sounds like something I would watch. Big fan of the writings of Poe… and Cusack rarely makes me long for Death’s sweet embrace… so yeah, good luck with that sir.

That’ll do it for today. Not a whole lot going on for the next few days, but that’s good because I need to catch up on chores. This weekend should be pretty fun though with the Rib Cook-Off and Bubbles’ visit… and then the following weekend should be EPIC as I go back to the homeland to check on the Compound… er, family back in Utah. Have a great day everybody!!!