High Brow Entertainment

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, it’s been a pretty standard week thus far. I’ve been trying to avoid getting sick since all of my coworkers insist on working so that everybody can share in their misery… but hey, that’s Corporate America. What’s that? Oh you even have paid time off for sickness & you still show up to work because you have to use that time for other things like hair appointments or random days off? So be it. I can understand. I don’t agree… but I understand the concept. That being said, still like my job & am proud to put in a good day’s work.

Dizzy did something AWESOME the other day!!! She assisted her local microbrewery in brewing up a Double RyePA. She was there by 5:30 AM and… well, I don’t even really have all of the details yet… but I’m sure that she’ll elaborate about it in a future post on our beer blog. What’s that? Oh, you didn’t even know that we HAD a beer blog? How is that possible? I feel like I’ve mentioned it a few times back when we first opened it up… but regardless, the link is below. Please feel free to check it out & Like it or Friend it or whatever so that you get those interesting updates.

Terrible Lizard Brewing at:

http://terriblelizardbrewing.blogspot.com  

Just to elaborate on this blog again (because I’d like some viewership), basically it’s a blog about our adventures in beer. Whether it’s our homebrewing (about to start batch #7 this weekend), books that we’ve heard on the subject, documentaries that we’ve seen, touring large scale breweries, patronizing local establishments, attending festivals & events, all centered around the subject of Beer & Beermaking. We find it interesting… and I kinda think that you will too. If not, it’s probably only because of my piss-poor storytelling abilities… and I’m trying to work on that. I’m always up for suggestions.

Last night, Dizzy & I watched a Netflix movie called “Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury” starring Kevin Sorbo, Danny Trejo… and a host of other great cameos by forgotten stars like Brian Callen, Gary Valentine & even the great Richard Karn (Al from “Home Improvement”). Now, the premise of the movie is pretty ridiculous… so that’s what drew me to it initially… but it’s even better. See… the movie is unfolded as if it were a director’s cut kind of storytelling about the making of the film… as told by the eccentric award-winning, one-eyed possibly maniacal director Saint James St. James (the St. stands for Street). He unfolds his film that… previously was too controversial and too thought-provoking for audiences, so the MPAA denied his distribution or ability for it to be shown in theatres back when it was made in 1990… but luckily, there’s still one surviving VHS tape of the sequel “Poolboy 2: Drowning Out the Fury” as the original was destroyed. Well, “exactly like the Matrix”, you don’t need to see the original to miss out on the story of the sequel… so the story goes. His film is about a Vietnam vet named Sal Bando (Sorbo) who after a traumatic experience, returns home to Los Angeles to find that Mexicans have taken over the pool-cleaning industry… and one has been banging his wife. Well, he doesn’t take kindly to it… and wants to clean up the streets (basically in the most racially insensitive way possible by killing all of the Mexicans in the neighborhood). The kingpin of the pool-cleaning and landscaping cartel (Trejo) finds out… and vows to end this “Poolboy” hero. However… Sal soon finds out… that it’s much DEEPER and more DANGEROUS than he could have possibly imagined. Gripping story, right? Well… it’s obviously a farce… kinda of a National Lampoon’s version of “First Blood” but… with a LOT more ethnic jokes. I highly recommend it as it’s an ode to the horrible cheesy action movies of the 80’s and early 90’s that we all love… but yeah, it’s not going to win any awards… good to see “Hercules”, “Machete” and Al from “Home Improvement” getting work… and I assume if it catches on that the Hispanic community will be up in arms… but until then, enjoy the hell out of it. I personally thought that the director Saint James St. James with his concise delivery & unfathomable ego… connecting with me on a personal level. Go check it out!

Wednesday night I watched another Netflix movie recommended to me by The Wingman called “American Mary” starring Katharine Isabella in the title role of Mary. The story is about a medical student who is going to school to become a surgeon… but while trying to get a new job to pay for it… and kinda stumbling into a somewhat seedy underworld of keeping “roughed-up” guys from not dying… and then into the lucrative world of body modifications… and then being drugged & raped by her professor, she drops the med school thing and basically goes rogue by getting revenge on her professor… and making a LOT of money in the bod mod game. Well, the cops get wind of her from another surgeon rapist (apparently they have big parties like that because they’re surgeons) and the walls are closing in. What’s she to do? They REALLY try to play the whole “girl next door who just wanted to be a surgeon but got swept up in this craziness” and… there was even some poor humor thrown in but… it’s really dark, there’s a lot of extended scenes of surgeries (think “Nip/Tuck” but for about a three-minute montage & more blood as opposed to the 15-second TV ones on that show), some fairly gruesome violent and/or sexual acts though a few things implied, WILD inconsistencies, a LOT of F-bombs given by the professor in class & everybody else in the show for… really no constructive reason other than questionable dialogue, the lead actress is very cute but… not the best actress in the world. I don’t know, I didn’t care for it really. I get that it’s an independent flick and the lines between good & evil are supposed to be blurry (except that all surgeons are serial killing rapists in lab coats apparently) and it wasn’t horrible… but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone really. Now for some news…

 

Speaking of Shit… - A critic of President Francois Hollande and France's ruling elite literally dumped tons of horse manure in front of the national parliament building in Paris on Thursday in a pungent protest against French politics. I like it. "Out with Hollande and the entire political class. Long live the Sixth Republic," read a message on the side of the man's articulated truck. France's present-day Fifth Republic was founded in 1958 with Charles de Gaulle its first president. “The Sixth Republic” is probably some independent French movie coming in the Spring with a lot of pretention & unkempt genital hair… or maybe that’s “The Sixth Re-pubic”. Anyway, the unnamed perpetrator was detained by police before he was able to shed all of his truckload of dung at the steps of the Bourbon Palace, the building that houses the lower house of parliament on the edge of the Seine river in downtown Paris, witnesses said. Authorities began a mass clear-up operation. Hollande, hit by magazine allegations of a love affair with an actress and battling to restore the fortunes of Europe's second-largest economy, has the lowest popularity ratings of any leader in modern-day France. Ah… remember the days when banging a superhot Fritalian model-actress like Carla Bruni while married to somebody else while elected to a public office was not only acceptable, but basically expected? Ah, but it’s no longer 2007 everybody, it’s 2014. What’s that? Oh, the rumor is that former French President Serkozy & Ms. Bruni met shortly after his divorce in 2007? Well, the important thing is that YOU believe that. Still, I like the leaving of horse sh*t on the steps of parliament. Good show, Froggie!

Farming with Urine – Yes, we’re keeping it high-brow on this blog apparently. The Rich Earth Institute (REI) in Battleboro, Vt., is investigating whether human urine can replace chemical fertilizers. We first learned of the technique over at Modern Farmer. The project, which has enlisted well over 100 volunteers to donate their urine, aims to determine if "essential plant nutrients" found in urine, such as nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium, will work as a kind of all-natural fertilizer. It's not as unusual as you might think. Modern Farmer explains that, "Across the Atlantic, studies have long established urine as a powerful fertilizer." The article goes on to cite a study done by the Stockholm Water Company. Via Modern Farmer:

A study conducted by the Stockholm Water Company in the late 1990s diverted urine from four housing projects to a grain farmer outside the city. The scientists concluded not only that urine could replace quick-acting mineral fertilizers, but also calculated that one Northern European adult pees enough plant nutrients to grow 50 to 100 percent of the food requirement for another person. Other successful trials have taken place in China and Mexico, though none as detailed as the Swedish one.

Regardless of the tone of that news clip sounding like a Northern European is peeing on somebody else’s food, I like the sound of those results. National Geographic spoke with researcher Debendra Shrestha of Tribhuvan University in Kathmandu, Nepal, who said that Nepalese farmers have been using human urine on crops for centuries. But does it work? According to National Geographic, it did for Shrestha. Ugh… okay? Well, if it works for… him? Her? Not sure what sex a Debendra is but it sounds feminine. After conducting an experiment that featured sweet peppers grown in soil with different combinations of urine, compost, and urea ― "the main nitrogen-containing chemical in human urine" ― the researchers found that plants grown in soil that "had a combination of human urine and compost grew the tallest, yielded the most peppers, and had the most total fruit weight per plant." That study's results were published in Scientia Horticulturae. Another study investigated the effect that urine and ash had on growing beets. The researchers found that "urine with or without ash can increase the yield of red beet and furthermore the microbial quality and chemical quality were similar to the situation in mineral-fertilized products." Yet another study that focused on tomatoes found similar results. Still, there are questions. As Modern Farmer notes, traces of pharmaceuticals that can show up in urine are also being studied by REI, with the help of two universities… which kinda makes sense, but yeah… I like the results of that. So… go out and pee on somebody’s garden… and if they give you any guff, simply reply with “You’re welcome!!!” Go Green everybody… and I guess Yellow!!!

Death By Wedgie - A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an "atomic wedgie," that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear. First, let that sink in for… just a moment. Okay, I’ll continue. Brad Lee Davis (not to be confused with Bradley Davis) was charged with murder in the death of 58-year-old Denver St. Clair in a drunken family fight at a residence just east of Oklahoma City, the Pottawatomie County Sheriff's Office said in an arrest affidavit obtained on Wednesday. Police arrested Davis on Tuesday. The affidavit said he "grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.' Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck." Oklahoma Medical Examiner spokeswoman Amy Elliott said the cause of death was asphyxiation and blunt force trauma (ugh… wait, what was the 2nd one?). Pottawatomie County Sheriff Deputy Travis Palmer said Davis and St. Clair were drinking beer (my guess is a 24-pack of Coors?) on the night of December 21st at the older man's residence when St. Clair began speaking ill about his wife, who is Davis' mother. One should know that you don’t speak ill about another man’s mama… especially when you’re both drunken rednecks and he’s a quarter-century younger than you. Investigators said St. Clair's elastic waistband was stretched over his head and that it left ligature marks around his neck. Blood splatter was also found in the kitchen, the living room and on the living room ceiling. See? This is where the blunt force trauma thing comes in. Either the wedgie was applied… and then while strangled by his own underwear’s (apparently superstrong) elastic band, he was then bludgeoned by Mr. Davis… or because he was being strangled by his own elastic band, Mr. St. Clair overreacted to the situation… in a drunken stupor… and on the way to the kitchen to grab a knife or something to cut the band… slipped and banged his head on the linoleum (I’m just guessing marble was out of their price range) and boom… blunt force trauma. Will anyone ever really know what happened? Probably not… especially since the only witnesses are the accused & his mother… who apparently was spoken ill of by the departed. Anyway, Davis was being held in Pottawatomie County without bond. His lawyer was not immediately available for comment. Please drink responsibly… especially on that cheap sh*t.

Amsterdam Update – Here’s an interesting idea that’s being partially funded by the Dutch government. The BBC reports that alcoholics are, “being paid in beer to clean the streets of Amsterdam.” For five hours of work, those who have signed on to help clean up the streets get five cans of beer and receive €10 ($13.50). The program is run by De Regenboog Groep (The Rainbow Group), an organization that aims to help those with, “…social problems, the homeless, the poor, drug users and those with psychiatric problems. The organization provides shelter, relief and aid to people in the margins of society.” They see their litter program as, as the BBC put it, a more pragmatic approach. Janet van de Noord, who runs the program, told the BBC, "It's quite difficult to get these people off the alcohol completely. We have tried everything else. Now this is the only thing that works. We might not make them better, but we are giving them a better quality of life and it's better for the neighborhood, they're giving something back to society." There has been already been a noticeable difference in Oosterpark, a large park in Amsterdam in which many alcoholics have resided. The BBC writes that since The Rainbow Group started their efforts, there have been fewer reports of violent crimes and the park is largely litter free. Rene, a 52-year-old man, is one of 20 alcoholics who are participating. He freely admits that the draw is the free beer and doesn’t seem to be close to sobering up, yet he is happy that he is contributing to society. He told the British news station, “They used to treat us like garbage - and now we are picking up their garbage, we are not the garbage anymore.” I personally really like this idea. I’m sure human rights & addiction groups will have their problems with it as it’s not really a solution to the big problem… but at least it’s a solution. When the alternative is them begging for change or committing violent acts to get their beer, then I prefer the idea of giving them a six-pack (or I guess five-pack? Do they take one for themselves?) and a couple Euros for half a day’s work.



Hmm… I wonder if we could get Budweiser to sponsor a program like this here in San Francisco. God knows we have the homeless… damn temperate weather & apparently non-violent working class. I mean… let’s face it, in Los Angeles the cops can beat a homeless man to death on video and be quickly acquitted & almost completely slide under the national radar (as long as the homeless man is of Caucasian descent, but that’s another thing) so it’s either work programs like this into the system… or we have to have SFPD start cracking some heads. Hmm… speaking of crack… if the Budweiser sponsorship doesn’t work out… maybe crack will be the cheap alternative. Damn… I’ve got some great ideas. I should run for office.

Reporter: “Mayor Love, your ‘Filling In the Cracks’ clean-up campaign has caused a lot of controversy. While the results are unquestionable in San Francisco being voted yet again as the Greenest Big City in America, some would question your methods in that you’re using the addictions of others, namely the homeless, to your benefit. What is your response to that?”

Mayor Love: “It’s not MY benefit… it’s OUR benefit, as a community. You see… until we find a solution to the addictions that these people are afflicted with… or they find the ability in themselves to overcome these problems, then I personally like the opportunity to give them a helping hand… and the city is safer because of it.”

Reporter: “Don’t you think that’s more of a direct result of your ‘Crack Down on Crime’ campaign where individuals found selling crack-cocaine outside of a designated work-release center are bludgeoned by the fire department?”

Mayor Love: “Crime is down. Our firefighters are fit & active. Heck, no major fires in the past six months. I can’t take all the credit, it’s mostly today’s technology but… ah heck, you’re welcome everybody!”

Reporter: “And there’s still the controversy concerning the shutdown of one lane on the Golden Gate Bridge… and the email trail between you & one of your top advisors that clearly implicates…”

Mayor Love: “As I’ve told you before… if the unions would’ve headed my warnings about bullsh*tting a bullsh*tter, then it wouldn’t have been an issue. They didn’t play ball… so take it up with them. On another note… HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE? There’s ALWAYS lanes closed… for absolutely no reason… at all. We have an entire multi-billion dollar two-mile stretch of bridge… sitting about 50 yards parallel to a new multi-billion two-mile stretch of bridge… that goes to THE EXACT SAME F**KING SPOT! Fun fact… we’re not using one of those stretches… six lanes each way… and traffic is ridiculous… why? Because we have millions of people in dozens of square miles. You think people move through tubes like they’re in Futurama? Does anybody have any real questions? By the way, is everybody enjoying their beverages? That’s a bourbon barrel porter that I made partnering up with Anchor Steam… it hits shelves on the new city holiday, Love Day, April 26th. THAT should be your lead story. Peace, I’m out…” Drops the mic & walks away…



Yup… Tom Ford & Chris Christie ain’t got sh*t on me. Have a great day everybody!!!

I Got A Sweet Tooth

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… my brother left. Here’s the deal, I was talking to him last night… and basically what turned into a little smoking out on the deck conversation turned into my brother being in tears wondering what the point of his life was besides being a father to his two kids (since their mother is a useless crack whore). He didn’t want to work at a gas station anymore… and he wants a good job… but doesn’t know if he can (want to) go to school for a job that still won’t be there. See, this was different then I usually see my brother. He doesn’t cry much around me. Usually he’s just angry… and a little violent… but we were actually talking about it. I offered my place for as long as he needed, said we could chat about options over the weekend and all the stuff that a good brother should. Then he received a call from my mom’s house. It was my stepdad… and my niece Kairi wasn’t sleeping & she wanted to talk to her daddy. I’ll admit, I was kind of eavesdropping, but with passing traffic outside on my deck it was hard to make out. All of a sudden, my brother hangs up the phone and puts his face in his hand. “What’s up? Bad connection?” “My daughter just told me that she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. She wants to live with grandma.” I was a little stunned. “Just like that? What did she say?” “Just like that.” “She’s a f**king four year old girl. Not even four yet. She’ll say stupid sh*t from time to time. She just likes being spoiled is all.” The phone rings again & I hear my stepdad on the line but can’t quite make it out… something in a “sorry your daughter said that” tone. I just heard my brother say "I will be there tomorrow. You will get me an apartment for a month for me & my kids to stay at." Sometimes said back on the other line. "I WILL BE THERE TOMORROW. YOU WILL GET ME AN APARTMENT!!!" Hangs up. So, to sum up, right in the middle of a conversation with an end goal of setting his life up with a point besides just being a father to his kids, he gets a call from his daughter saying that she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. Needless to say, this was the excuse he needed (had been looking for) to go back to Utah and throw a tissy fit at my mom. Oh… and why did Kairi say that? Because my mom got a puppy… that my brother had already told the kids no on. Isn’t family fantastic? It could be worse, no doubt… but yeah, I did my part.

Other than that, I had no idea what to do this weekend but I figured I’d best catch up on my laundry & cleaning up after my brother (f**king pig sty everywhere he goes), get a haircut & watch my first professional football of the season (been busy the past few weekends as you know). Who knows what else may happen, right? Well, Friday night I started by going to a coworker’s going away party (off to LA to be an actor, I’ll let you know if he’s in anything I like… I mean, Lindsay was once a friend of the blog) and it was a lot of fun. There was Beer Pong, great peeps, hot girls (though every single one of them was spoken for, I checked), great tunes, even a little freestyling. While having a conversation about sexy Halloween costumes and how unnecessary they really are when you have a sense of humor, it somehow got to age… and I mentioned my 30th birthday coming up… and how I wanted to go to Amsterdam, but nobody could afford to go with me (nor will I be able to at this rate). “Why don’t you just have an Amsterdam themed party?” “Holy sh*t!!! That’s BRILLIANT!!! I’ve already got the red light bulbs (bow chicka bow wow), just get a few dozen tulips, some brownies, maybe talk to a buddy that lives on the river to replace the canals, maybe have a Jewish family in the crawl space, a few Rembrandts on the wall, girls dancing in windows, Heineken EVERYWHERE. Oh it’ll work…” So if it comes to be, you’re all invited to my 30th birthday Amsterdamian extravaganza. I’ll keep you posted.

Saturday, didn’t do much expect clean, laundry & college football… though some great games, but you don’t care. Sunday, I went on a date. Oh yeah, $teve still dates when he feels the urge… and this one was a coffee date with, we’ll say Candy, in Reno right after I got my oil changed & my hair did. We met up at Java Jungle down in the River District (my favorite area of Reno thus far) and we just chatted. Candy is funny, intelligent, just got back from a 3 week vacation in Peru, backpacked through Europe, Peace Corps in Guinea (west Africa, not New Guinea), has a marketing job, great sense of humor very similar to mine, oh… and she’s gorgeous. I know what you’re thinking “$teve, she way out of your league.” You may be right… but she seemed to be digging me (as they all usually do before I never hear from them again) so we’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck & I’ll invite you to the wedding. HA!!! Anyway, in the meantime, here’s some news since you’ve been deprived the past week or so…

Back in Black… Rubber – In an effort to keep vampire movies from going completely cheesy & ridiculously bad, Kate Beckinsale has officially closed her deal to reprise her role as vampire heroine Selene in a fourth "Underworld" film at Screen Gems and Lakeshore Entertainment says the trades. Story details are unknown beyond the usual vampire vs. werewolves tale, but it seems likely events will pick up from the end of 2006's "Underworld: Evolution" with all the vampire elders now slain and Selene having obtained special powers including the ability to safely tolerate daylight (apparently it was sexually transmitted by a hybrid vampire/werewolf making sweet love to her knee if I remember correctly). John Hlavin wrote the script which J. Michael Straczynski ("Changeling," "Babylon 5") is polishing. Both a director and an actress to play Selene's daughter are currently being sought. Tom Rosenberg, Gary Lucchesi and Len Wiseman are producing. Filming kicks off in March in Vancouver. So gentlemen, prepare thyselves.

Jolie Update – Speaking of hot ladies with questionably sexy accents, Angelina Jolie has chosen young Bosnian actress Zana Marjanovic for the lead role in her directorial debut — a wartime love story between a Bosnian woman and a Serbian man (though nothing like Romeo & Juliet set in modern times, I’m sure). Marjanovic told the Associated Press on Thursday that the screenplay was "fabulous" and she could not wait to start shooting with such a "great actress and humanist" like Jolie. The 27-year-old actress said she was on her way to Hungary to prepare for the film shoot beginning later this year and take place both in Hungary and Bosnia. Jolie has visited Bosnia twice this year — as UNHCR good will ambassador and to scout for her movie — and had promised she would cast only actors from the region. Marjanovic became known after her prominent role in award winning "Snow" by Bosnian director Aida Begic. So yeah… keep an eye out for this movie, I guess.

Commies & Puppies – It’s pretty much a universal trait among all cultures… that you just don’t mess with another human’s spouse, children, car or dog (though cats are okay because… well, they’re just cats & have no souls). However, sometimes they have to send in the loan sharks to bust a few heads. For example, Russian bailiffs have threatened to take what is most precious from a Russian pensioner who has failed to pay a debt -- her three Shar Pei pedigree puppies, they said Friday. Though Shar Peis are technically not dogs, being of the small hairy annoying rat family of the animal kingdom (feel free to Google it), apparently this still involves the aforementioned values. The pensioner, who bailiffs did not name, owes 350,000 rubles ($11,330) to an individual in her home town in Russia's volcanic Kamchatka region in the Far East. "If she does not fulfill her obligations (to pay back the debt) within 10 days, the puppies will be sold by the Federal Agency for State Property Management," bailiffs said in a statement on their site fssprus.ru. In Kamchatka, Shar Pei puppies fetch 15,000 rubles ($482.60) each, media reported. But bailiffs said they will try to sell them for 5,000 rubles to attract more potential buyers (so if you’re interested in that market, great deals to be had). They added that the famously wrinkled Shar Pei puppies have been allowed for the time being to remain with the pensioner, who breeds them as her sole source of income as she has no property (so… she breeds them out of her apartment or something?). By the way, who the hell gave this woman 350,000 rubles when they know all she does is breed ugly dogs? I mean… we’re talking giving back every last dime from the first 25 puppies sold at peak price with minimum interest on the loan. That’s also assuming the food is free (eating pigeons or rats or something), no checkups for the dogs, nothing of the sort, every last dime… for probably five generations of dogs. I’m sorry pensioner… but if you knew that was the deal, then you pretty much deserve to lose that money… but at least you’ll probably get a few dogs out of the deal (at $4000 a pop). Yet another sign of the Apocalypse, I guess when Shar Peis are valued that much. Oh speaking of which…

Apocalypse Update - At least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a Mexican refuge (not refugee) near the Gulf of Mexico after heavy flooding caused by Hurricane Karl, Mexican media said Tuesday. The endangered Morelet crocodiles were on the roam in six coastal areas in the Mexican state of Veracruz and residents were told not to try to capture or kill them, El Economista reported. The governor of Veracruz told reporters about 280 crocodiles were missing from the reserve in La Antigua, although some media put the number of reptiles at closer to 400. Morelet crocodiles can grow to nearly 10 feet and are found in freshwater swamps, lakes and rivers, and the brackish coastal waters of eastern Mexico, Belize and Guatemala. Federal authorities from the agency charged with environmental protection said crocodile experts (like Steve Irwin? Sorry, too soon?) would be sent to the region to try to recapture the animals. At least 15 people were killed and thousands displaced by the hurricane, which ripped through the Yucatan peninsula and slammed into Mexico's Gulf coast this past weekend. So to recap, a few hundred endangered crocodile prisoners have escaped from their cells to join the army of pythons in Florida and bring out the end of days. All that gibberish in the Bible about the Serpent, the Anti-Christ, Rapture and all that doesn’t seem so crazy & mythological now, does it? And all this time you thought it would be the Environment or Robots that would destroy us all. By the way, has anybody else noticed that it’s been a while since I reported a sexy dream or had a Sexbot Update? Didn’t think so… but I have…

Robopocalypse Update – Legendary filmmaker & iconic $teve, Steven Spielberg himself is said to be considering the film "Robopocalypse" as one of his next projects for Dreamworks Pictures says Vulture. Based on Daniel H. Wilson's unpublished manuscript, the cautionary tale explores the fate of the human race after a robot uprising. Wilson, who has a Ph.D. in robotics, has grounded his tale in a heavy degree of authenticity derived from real robot technology. Drew Goddard ("Cloverfield") has just handed in a new draft of the script which the studio is keen to check out. Spielberg still hasn't made up his mind about which project he'll next helm after "The War Horse" but he may want to decide quickly as there are a multitude of Apocalypses converging to destroy us all… so unless he wants to do this tale years down the road as a historical interpretation like “Schindler’s List” then he’d better get on that pestilence horse immediately after his war horse before the other two show up… like they did for the dinosaurs. Hmm… just had a thought about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding around on Raptors. That’d be sweet…

Dino Update - Scientists said Wednesday they've discovered fossils in the southern Utah desert of two new dinosaur species closely related to the Triceratops, including one with 15 horns on its large head. The discovery of the new plant-eating species — including Kosmoceratops richardsoni, considered the most ornate-headed dinosaur known to man — was reported Wednesday in the online scientific journal PLoS ONE, produced by the Public Library of Science. The other dinosaur, which has five horns and is the larger of the two, was dubbed Utahceratops gettyi. "It's not every day that you find two rhino-sized dinosaurs that are different from all the other dinosaurs found in North America," said Mark Loewen, a Utah Museum of Natural History paleontologist and an author of the paper published in PLoS ONE. "You would think that we know everything there is to know about the dinosaurs of western North America, but every year we're finding new things, especially here in Utah," he said. The Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument has been a hotbed for dinosaur species discoveries in the past decade, with more than a dozen new species discovered. While it is a rocky, arid place now, millions of years ago it was similar to a swamp. The Utahceratops has a large horn over the nose and short eye horns that project to the side rather than upward, similar to a bison (or the MONARCH!!!). Its skull is about 7 feet long, it stood about 6 feet high and was 18 to 22 feet long. It is believed to have weighed about 3 to 4 tons. The Kosmoceratops has similar facial features to the Utahceratops, but has 10 horns across the rear margin of its bony frill that point downward and outward. It weighed about 2.5 tons and was about 15 feet long. The horns on both animals range in length from about 6 inches to 1 foot. Paleontologists say the discovery shows that horned dinosaurs living on the same continent 76 million years ago evolved differently. Scientists say that other horned dinosaurs lived on the same ancient continent known as Laramidia in what is now Alberta, Canada. The numerous horns are believed to have been used to attract mates and intimidate sexual competitors, similar to horns on deer. "The horns really are probably developed at puberty, because most likely these are signals for mate recognition, competition between males, things like that," Loewen said. "They're sexual signals and really that's how we think this group of dinosaurs divided." Again though, that’s all speculation… but hey, what else are you going to do when you find something that died millions of years ago?

Well, that’ll do it for today. Enough talk about family drama, hot girls & the Apocalypse… and the correlation between all three. Also, less than two weeks until my dad comes to visit for the football game and five weeks until New Orleans Halloween, which is even better than a North Pole Christmas or a Dublin St. Patty’s Day. Good times y’all. Filly’s really excited for it too, as she should be. I’m kind of a big deal… so watch out when Tropical Storm $teve hits the Crescent City. Have a great day everybody!!!

Beware: Multiple Nerdgasms

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well last night was fun. I get a call shortly after going to sleep…and it’s my brother, saying that my mom is at her hotel in Thailand & can’t pay because her credit card isn’t going through. Okay, awesome. I then find out shortly after…that my phone won’t call international…and the only person that can change that…is in Thailand. Eventually, I get a call…and it’s two of my favorite people on the other line, a weeping mother…and a front desk agent wanting my credit card number over the world’s worst phone connection. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with all the details…but eventually, an emailed form that they said would be sent in ten minutes (I gave up after over an hour) showed up nine hours later while I was at work, a little exhausted. Basically, there were daily credit card limits on her card to protect from CC & Identity Theft…and the checkout exceeded that…but it’s okay because my mom & stepdad were able to get to the boat on time anyway…and all it cost them was pretty much all of their traveler’s checks…and then I was able to cover the rest on my card. And don’t worry, it shouldn’t put a serious dent in my travel plans starting this weekend…because I have a little bit of emergency savings for occasions such as this (had this happen a few times in the past). So yeah, she’s safe & sound and enjoying the vacation of a lifetime. And she did have fun in Thailand despite all the craziness. She even got to ride on an elephant. What? Earthquakes in China? Sigh… she’ll be fine.

So this morning, I was a little tired because…well, four hours of stressed-out sleep and a few days of bad sleep due to back pain will do that. I got to work…and the parking lot was a little icy. I step out of my car…and I notice a female coworker about to walk…in dress shoes…up a steep portion of the lot that leads to the office…and over an area that’s completely covered in some of the smoothest ice you’ve ever seen. I think you know where this is going. Before anything could be said or done, slip, SMACK!!! She lands face-first on the icy pavement. So I run over, “Are you okay?” I’m thinking that maybe she got her arm in front of her and caught herself, landing gently on her purse…and it only looked bad from the rear view. Nope. She was holding teeth. “Alright, let’s get you to the nurse’s room. Are you okay to move?” She’s looking at her hand full of mouth blood, “I guess. It doesn’t hurt yet.” “Well that’s good. Let’s keep it that way.” I help her up, grab her purse, we hop into Gretchen and fly over to the nurse’s office where I leave her in capable hands. I checked in with her later…and she’s doing okay…but it was just a wonderful way to start an already lackluster morning (still hadn’t settled everything with Thailand at this point) but it’s all good now. The Wingmans are soon approaching, my mom’s on the vacation of her life, my vacation will be starting soon, the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue & all the leaves are green. My heart’s as full as a baked potato. Oh yes, it will be a schpedoinkal weekend…and month or so.

Last night, I watched "Funny People" starring Adam Sandler & Seth Rogen. It's a comedy from director Judd Apatow ("40 Year Old Virgin") and it's about a superfamous comedian (Sandler) who finds out that he has cancer...and hires an up-and-coming comedian (Rogen) to write some jokes for him and act as his assistant. Enter the ex-girlfriend (Leslie Mann) and her Australian husband (Eric Bana) and some drama ensues with this...actually kind of dreary comedy. Now, I say that...but it's still a pretty good movie. I'm a little lost on some of the decisions made by the characters...but it's got some funny parts, a lot of cameos (like a LOT), and it's not exactly a knee-jerking comedy...but it has a little heart to it...covered in dick & fart jokes. You know the type. If you like it, check it out. If not, pass. More on Seth Rogen later. Here’s the news…

Amsterdam Update - Dutch police arrested a woman who locked a utility firm employee in her home after he arrived to disconnect her power supplies over an unpaid bill of 42,000 Euros (over $50,000). The 65-year-old woman denied having such a large bill and rang the police to say she wanted to arrange a repayment scheme with the utility firm Eneco before allowing the man to leave (that’s your only demand for the hostage?). She had tried to phone Eneco, but was unable to do so because her electricity had already been cut off, police said. The utility employee wanted to press charges against the woman. She will appear in court later. An Eneco spokesman said the woman's bill was exceptionally high but could not immediately explain why. Theories? Another typo landing somebody in jail for a while? Are utilities in an Amsterdam home somewhere in the range of 10,000 Euros a month? Has this been accumulated since 1956 and they’re just now getting to checking their records? Who knows? I’m not sure how the kidnapping and hostage negotiation is going to play into all of this…but it’s probably not going to go well. Hope to see how this one turns out.

Lip Synching Arrest - Two singers have become the first people in the People’s Republic of China to fall foul of new rules banning lip-synching nearly two years after widespread criticism of miming at the Beijing Olympics' opening ceremony. The two young female singers were spotted lip-synching during a concert in southwestern China's Chengdu city last year, the official Xinhua news agency said on its website (www.xinhuanet.com). "No signals were received from their microphones while the show was on," it quoted an official with the local government's cultural affairs office as saying. The two have been fined 50,000 yuan ($7,329) each. China's feisty internet users frequently blame famous singers of short-selling their fans by lip-synching on stage…but some have also wondered why these first fines were leveled against two almost unknown singers rather than more famous stars. "Why do they choose to keep their eyes closed when it's a famous singer miming?" one commentator wrote on the website of the Beijing Daily. Lip-synching, known as "fake singing" in Chinese, burst into the open during 2008's Beijing Olympics. China's Olympic organizers were lambasted by Internet users and in the media after they admitted a nine-year-old girl lip-synched during the opening ceremony, in place of the real singer who was rejected because of her appearance (Sarah Boyle?). The Culture Ministry then issued an edict formally banning lip-synching and threatened to revoke the performance licenses of repeat offenders. I used to wonder why big acts never went on tour to China…but now I know. The really sad thing is…karaoke’s perfectly legal…which is, in my opinion, much worse. Also, over seven grand for lip-synching? I wonder if Ashlee Simpson would get the same fine. Still might be some pretty good money for her. Somebody’s gotta provide for little Bronx Mowgli. Sigh… you should also be fined for naming your children ridiculous things. I’m also quite surprised that the internet users in China have such pull. I never would’ve guessed with all the censorship…but there you have it. The people spoke…and now there’s no lip-synching. Power to the people!!!

Father of the Year - Police arrested a man for leaving his 1-year-old baby in a car unattended during the early hours while he watched strippers at a nightclub in New Zealand's capital, and have placed the boy in welfare agency care. A passer-by called police after seeing the sleeping baby in a car parked near the Mermaid Strip Club in Wellington about 3 a.m. Tuesday (usually the strippers have bullet wounds & C-scars during that time). Police took the baby to a hospital and arrested the father, 42, after he was located in the club, Inspector Simon Perry said. The man faces a charge of leaving a child under 14 without reasonable supervision. The Child, Youth and Family agency has custody of the baby for five days while it works with the baby's relatives to decide on his future, agency deputy chief executive Ray Smith said. New Zealand's commissioner for children, John Angus, said leaving a child alone in a car at night was an "extreme form of neglect." "I would commend the member of the public who saw this poor child in the car and took some action to make it safe" by alerting police, Angus told National Radio. Authorities declined to confirm details of the baby's family situation, but Angus said he expected relatives to step in and warn the father that "it's not good enough for our child to be looked after this way." What was he supposed to do? Bring the kid into the club with him? He’s a toddler for God’s sake. Would you rather he exposed his child to the stimulations of sexually suggestive dancing by scantily-clad women, high point alcoholic beverages, loud controversial music, various communicative diseases & being surrounded by questionable strangers…or to be sleeping safely & quietly in a locked car? Seriously? And yet the father goes punished for choosing the best option. Disgusting. A complete perversion of Justice. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. That man is a saint. Would it have been better if he just left him home in the shire? (Because I assume all people who live in New Zealand are at least half-hobbit) What’s that? Maybe he could’ve gotten a babysitter? And what? Pay her in dollar bills too? Besides, what babysitter’s going to be able to work until 3 AM on a Tuesday? Now you’re against schooling for our children? What kind of monster are you? Not go? JUST NOT GO? On $5 lap dance night? Are you f**king INSANE??? Where were you when this was going down? Huh? Answer me that. Why weren’t YOU watching over the baby boy? Little Frodo or whatever his name is. By the way, for those of you who don’t know, my favorite game is Devil’s Advocate.

Warning: Multiple Nerdgasms!!! (Please put some goggles on, ladies)

Book of Mormon Musical – Normally, you know I want nothing to do with Broadway…but this is a little different. The creators of "South Park" are taking aim at Broadway (again, please wear goggles). Trey Parker and Matt Stone have written a musical comedy called "The Book of Mormon" that will open on Broadway in March 2011. The two wrote the show's book, music and lyrics, along with Robert Lopez, one of the creators of the Tony-winning "Avenue Q." The musical will be directed by Parker and Jason Moore, who directed "Avenue Q." Producers Scott Rudin and Anne Garefino said Wednesday that a theater, casting and other production details would be announced later. The Emmy-winning "South Park" premiered in 1997 on Comedy Central…but you already knew that. Will it be some kind of bastard offspring of “Orgazmo” & “Cannibal: The Musical”? Something completely new & different? Will it be stories from the Book of Mormon brought to life with foul-mouthed puppets? (Which, by the way, I would probably see) Who knows? We’ve got almost a full year to plan a trip to the Big Apple to see it though.

Nerdy Comic Book Movie Updates - Sources for IESB.Net have been busy beavers today in the comic book-to-film world genre with potential scoops on three adaptations currently in the works.

Spider-Man 4 - Josh Hutcherson ("Journey to the Center of the Earth," "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant") has apparently joined the short list of contenders for Sony's upcoming "Spider-Man" reboot. Yes, apparently it’s another reboot now. Why? Because you & your kids will still watch it…and you can’t top Venom…even when Venom’s played by Topher Grace. Seriously. Even a John Malkovich portrayed Vulture wouldn’t top it.

The Green Hornet - The site claims Sony Pictures are apparently "displeased with the results" they've seen so far of Michel Gondry's "The Green Hornet" film adaptation. A source claims the "tone is too campy, they're not happy with the work from director Michel Gondry and Seth Rogen does not look the part. At all. (No sh*t!!!) In fact, the feeling at Sony is the movie is a disaster." Yeesh!!! Strong words for a movie studio. Sigh…maybe when, after decades of trying to get Kevin Smith to do it…but it’s a weak story, you then start over with a French director who does a lot of artsy thinker films like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, “The Science of Sleep”, “Be Kind Rewind” and Bjork videos…then cast the star as Seth Rogen…in a non-comedy but as an action hero, you may come out with something that isn’t quite what you’re looking for. Who didn’t see this one coming? (Again, goggles)

Lobo - With Guy Ritchie ditching this project in favor of "Sherlock Holmes 2", the Akiva Goldsman-produced comic adaptation has stalled over at Warner Brothers. The reasoning? "a direct result of their not-so-hot reaction to The Losers and especially Jonah Hex". Sigh…this is really deflating my windsock right now. Guy Ritchie ditched Lobo to do a Sherlock sequel…and the movie has stalled…because they think that The Losers & (the anxiously anticipated) Jonah Hex suck? “Cheese & rice. You start out with the promise of multiple nerdgasms, throw in the mixed emotions of a musical by Trey Parker, then just keep destroying my faith in recent movie magic with comic book adaptations & make me think they’re returning to the days of “Batman & Robin” and “Daredevil” or something. You’d better have something good to make me peak, $teve.” Indeed I do, enough foreplay, let’s bring in the Big Gun (insert AC/DC music).

Joss to Direct Avengers Movie – SPLOOSH!!! "Buffy" creator and "Serenity" director Joss Whedon is reportedly in final negotiations to direct the superhero team-up movie "The Avengers" for Marvel Studios and Paramount Pictures says Deadline New York. Thus culminating what can only be seen as a Perfect Storm of Nerddom, bringing many of Marvel’s favorite characters together with the Joss himself. Whedon's name was first mentioned over at IESB.net a few weeks ago. Production would begin sometime next year for release May 4th 2012 (mark your calendars). Oh…and it gets better. Two characters from that future movie may be making earlier appearances than that. According to a trusted source for Bad Taste, a scene about Captain America and Thor will appear after the end credits of "Iron Man 2" - much like the way Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) made a cameo in a post-credits scene at the end of 2008's "Iron Man". Could we see Captain America (Chris Evans) and Thor (Chris Hemsworth) in full costume? Unlikely. The crucial wording here is that it's a "scene about" the two characters meaning one or both may not even pop up on screen but rather merely referenced. Then again…maybe they will. I guess we’ll all find out on May 7th when Iron Man 2 is released. (Seriously, they should be giving me a kickback for all the good stuff that I talk about this movie) So yeah…in about two years, there’s going to be a movie coming out…that includes, at the very least, Iron Man (Robert Downey jr), the Incredible Hulk (Edward Norton), Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson), Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), War Machine (Don Cheadle?), plus a few others to play guys like Hawkeye and the supporting cast like Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and then…there’s the villains!!! AND Joss, the King of Nerddom, is going to direct it all…making it fantastic (but don’t be surprised if a beloved character of vital importance to the story dies suddenly, it’s his way, who are we to question it?). Whew… what’s that? You need a cigarette?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. The Wingmans are almost here…and we’ve got a full four-day weekend ahead of us…then I’ve got a three-week weekend after that. So you probably won’t be hearing from me until mid-May…but I’ll be back with plenty of pictures & stories. Besides, a lot of you may get to see me in the meantime…if you’re lucky. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Drive safely everybody!!! Have a great few weeks!!!

Billy, Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yet another busy day at work…but I got through it without a scratch. Well, other than that, not a whole lot going on except tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day (big ups to the Mad Scientist for last year’s adventures that I vaguely remember) and I’m sure that I’ll find something around here to do. There’s always the Bar of America, the Tourist Club, a microbrewery and more all within a mile of my house. Pair that with the beautiful weather that we’ve been having…and that could be a little dangerous. You’re all free to join me, of course. You may want to hurry though. I plan on being faded in less than 24 hours. Hmm, I wonder if the office will come down with a case of “strep throat” like last year. Anyway, here’s the news…

Peter Graves - Peter Graves, whose calm and intelligent demeanor was a good fit to the intrigue of "Mission Impossible" as well as the satire of the "Airplane" films, died over the weekend. Graves passed away Sunday just a few days before his 84th birthday outside his home in Los Angeles, publicist Sandy Brokaw said. Graves was returning from brunch with his wife of nearly 60 years (wow…) and his family when he had what Graves' doctor believed was a heart attack, Brokaw said. Graves first gained attention of many baby boomers with the 1950s TV series "Fury," but remained best known for the role of Jim Phelps, leader of a gang of special agents who battled evil conspirators in TV's "Mission: Impossible" and as the pilot of the “Airplane!” movies. He noted during an interview in 2000 that he made his foray into comedy somewhat reluctantly. Filmmakers Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker had written a satire on the airplane-in-trouble movies, and they wanted Graves and fellow handsome actors Lloyd Bridges, Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack to spoof their serious images. On the one hand, he said, he considered the role a challenge, "but it also scared me." "I thought I could lose a whole long acting career," he recalled. Graves was also a champion hurdler in high school in Minnesota, as well as a clarinet player in dance bands and a radio announcer (no doubt where he honed that smooth delivery). After two years in the Air Force, he enrolled at the University of Minnesota as a drama major and worked in summer stock before following his brother west to Hollywood. Whenever I think of Peter Graves, I think of the timeless question, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?” We will miss you, Mr. Graves. Always cool, classy and dignified…even when you’re outside your comfort zone. My condolences to his family.

Shortest Man Dies - The world's shortest man has died in Italy, where he was to take part in a TV show, the program's production company said Tuesday. He Pingping, of China, who was 2 feet, 5.37 inches (74.6 centimeters) tall, had become a recognized figure across the world, often taking part in shows, photo shoots and other events, Guinness World Records said. Craig Glenday, the Guinness World Records editor-in-chief, said He (the name, not the capitalized pronoun referring to God) was "an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual" and "showed us that, despite the challenges we face, we can still make the most out of life." He died Saturday in Rome, according to the TV production company Europroduzione. Guinness World Records said in a press release He was born in 1988 with a form of primordial dwarfism. He was officially measured in March 2008. He was taken to a hospital March 3 after he fell ill while rehearsing the Italian program "The Record Show," Marco Fernandez de Araoz of Europroduzione said. After two days, He was transferred to intensive care, where he was found to have a heart condition and high cholesterol. He said the hospital, where he died, has so far given as his cause of death the heart condition (okay, so the name He & pronoun he in the last sentence was a little confusing). The man's body will be flown to China soon once the paperwork is ready. It’s truly unfortunate. And you can be sure that I’m going to try to Google what TV show he was on in Italy. Dare I imagine… an Italian version of Austin Powers? “Si baby, si.”

Booby Bank – Enough talk about death, let’s get back to what this blog is about, which today, like most days, includes breasts. A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies said a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft. Lukeisha A. Harris was one of three Seattle-area residents arrested Friday as part of an alleged fraud ring. Deputies said they used phony Oregon driver's licenses and counterfeit credit cards to obtain cash advances from Spokane banks. Sheriff's spokesman Dave Reagan said the three were arrested after a worker at one bank reported that they tried to obtain money using a stolen credit card. The investigators followed the ring to two other banks before making the bust. Reagan said that during a search at the Spokane County Jail, guards found that the 24-year-old Harris (who is 6 feet tall and 400 pounds, so not shown in the picture) had the cash hidden in her bra, along with bank receipts. It was not immediately known Saturday if Harris or the other suspects had lawyers. It’s a pretty straight forward story…until I mention that the safety deposit box has yet to be found…and I don’t know about you…but I’m not looking for it.

Mugshot of the Week - Iowa City police arrested a woman who allegedly attacked her sister with the lid of a toilet tank. Nitasha Johnson, of Iowa City, was arrested early Sunday and was charged with domestic abuse assault causing injury and interference with official acts (taking a dump?). According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger (that’s it?). Johnson was taken to the Johnson County jail. She remained in jail on Monday on a $1,500 bond. Jail officials did not know if she had hired an attorney. I just kinda liked the smugness of the mugshot…and the fact that there’s a toilet lid involved in a domestic dispute. Notice they didn’t say what the fight was about. “Nitasha!!! Get outta the f**king bathroom, I’m prairie dogging.” “I’ll get out when I’m damn good & ready.” Oh…and you would be seriously mistaken if you think this is the only toilet humor in this post.

Swiss Crapsmanship – Oh it’s not a typo. A Swiss watchmaker is hoping to raise a stink with an expensive timepiece that eschews the trade's standard gold, diamond or titanium fittings for a more earthy substance — dinosaur dung. Vesenaz, Switzerland-based company Artya says the watch set in fossilized feces will sell for about $12,000 and comes with a strap made with skin from an American cane toad. Designer Yvan Arpa said Monday the coprolite (fancy word for crap) came from a plant-eater that died about 100 million years ago in what is now the U.S. That’s right. There is now a device that you can wear on your wrist wherever you go…that will tell you the exact time with Swiss precision…that is made out of something that a corn-eating sauropod shat out more than 100 million years ago (that’s 8 zeroes) and the only thing separating this prehistoric bowel movement and you…is a strap made of frog skin…and it will cost you about $12,000. Just send me a picture when you buy yours, okay?

Hamburglar - A German woman called the police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight Thursday. She was fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment. Police surrounded the house, drew weapons, the man jumped down from the balcony and tried to escape but was quickly tackled by the police…and then they discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend. The best part is…they arrested him anyway because of an outstanding warrant. "He was trying to surprise her with the flowers and a bottle of wine but it all went wrong," said Korbach police spokesman Volker Koenig. "He nevertheless gave the police who were taking him to jail the bottle of wine as a gesture of thanks for the friendly treatment after the arrest." I could see that. “Danke schoen for not ass-raping me or making me an unwilling costar in a scheisse film.” See ladies…and you wonder why chivalry is dead. Because most of us nice guys still have outstanding warrants for other stuff (in my case it’s mostly indecent exposure, public urination & trying to pick fights with the Governor of California). On another note, did you guys know that I speak German? Or at least did pretty fluently a decade ago? My boss was sent a German travel magazine earlier today and gave it to me. Should be good practice. Ah, now the children’s book from yesterday makes sense, right? That and the link to Ruben auf Deutsch’s blog. Now you know.

Amsterdam Update – You know what? If my company opens up a branch in Amsterdam, I’m just moving there. Get used to the idea. Hell, if the right job comes around (manager of a chocolate factory in the Red Light District?) then I may just move there anyway. A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. I’m going to repeat that just so that it sinks in…so please read every word carefully. A union representing Dutch nurses…will launch a national campaign Friday AGAINST demands for sexual services by patients…who claim it should be part of their STANDARD care. The union, NU'91, is calling the campaign "I Draw The Line Here" (of which I’m curious EXACTLY where that line may be) with an advert that features a young woman covering her face with crossed hands (“No blow with your HMO”?). The union said in a statement Thursday that the campaign follows a complaint it had received in the last week from a 24-year-old woman who said a 42-year-old disabled man asked her to provide sexual services as part of his care at home (it’s worth a shot, right?). According to the union, the young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification (get the f**k out, really?). When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care. "This type of action is not part of the job responsibilities of carers and nurses," NU'91 said. The case has been reported to police, the union added. That’s it. F**k health care reform, I’m moving to Amsterdam where there’s a 50/50 chance that if I ask for an oral exam, it’ll be covered by plan. It boggled the mind to think how happy a nation would be with a plan like that (of course using proper protection). Hell, I wouldn’t mind paying the prison ass-raping price of health insurance if there was a little incentive for staying healthy. “Well Dr. Love, it appears that everything is in order. Your heart rate seems fine, blood pressure’s normal, cholesterol’s a little high but better than your last visit. You’re the image of health. Great job.” “Thanks doc.” “Only one test left…and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave the room while my nurse Camille checks thoroughly for a hernia, any unusual growths and then to make sure all the pipes are working properly.” “Really? Wow, thanks doc.” “Not a problem. Just wait until you reach forty and we have to check your colon too. Which reminds me, I’d better make my appointment. Excuse me.” Do you think people would eat vegetables, work out, get standard checkups, floss, whatever they’ve got to do to be healthy if they’re rewarded like THAT? You betcha. Hell, I do those things based on the thought that I might possibly have the opportunity at some point in the future for consensual sensual activity. At least I would know that my massive deduction from my paycheck was going towards something. Hey Obama, see if you can work this into the plan somehow. By the way, wanna know who told me about this story? My mom. Love ya moms.

Okay, I think that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with that thought…of what could be. Be sure to check out Lilie’s blog as she’ll have some sweet pictures of her visit to New Orleans and be safe out there on St. Patty’s Day. Have a great day everybody!!!

Gretchen Gets Gistered

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s official. Gretchen has a license plate…and no, it’s not a sweet personalized plate like “DR LOVE” or “GRETCHEN” or “TO H8R” or “COITUS” or anything like that. It’s standard. Sorry to disappoint…but I figured that would’ve added another 6 months to the struggle…and creditors were getting antsy about the whole thing. Talk to the bailout people if you need my hard-earned cash. I pay taxes. Oh...and if you're wondering about the blog title, it's because she wasn't registered. This is the first time, so she was gistered. That's a word, right? Well it is now. Anyway, other than that, not a whole lot to report…other than there’s a LOT of stupid people doing really stupid stuff. Please enjoy…

“Busted” Update – So, remember last week when I talked about the guy who was caught looking at pictures of Miranda Kerr while at work ON LIVE TV??? No? Well, it happened. Anyway, it’s a happy day because the guy gets to keep his job (with internet restrictions, I’m sure). The Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job, Macquarie Bank said Friday. "He will remain an employee of Macquarie," the bank said in a statement. "Macquarie and the employee apologize for any offence that may have been caused." David Kiely, who works in Macquarie Private Wealth in Sydney, opened emails Tuesday containing pictures of Kerr, unaware a colleague behind him was doing a live television interview about the Australian economy. The incident became a YouTube hit and sparked an online campaign that urged forgiveness. The financial website "Here is the City News" set up a "Save Dave" page encouraging readers to email the public relations department of Macquarie Bank to save Kiely's job. The web campaign listed four reasons why Kiely should be allowed to keep his job: he seems like a nice bloke; the photographs were not hardcore; he has suffered enough, and there's just too much political correctness in this world anyway. Macquarie is known in banking circles as the "millionaire's club" because of the high bonuses earned by some of its staff. Anyway, he’s safe…for now. Methinks it has something to do with Miranda Kerr herself coming to his defense…but what do I know?

The Sight’s A Little Off - A man accidentally shot himself in the leg shortly after leaving a Jupiter gun store (Florida, not the planet). Police said the unidentified man went to Chuck's Guns and Ammo (ah, a name of quality) on Monday afternoon, looking for batteries for the laser sight on a small handgun. When the man was back in his car, the gun accidentally fired, hitting him in the leg. The man was taken to a West Palm Beach hospital for treatment. Always have the safety on, my friend. I really don’t have anything else to say about this story other than…I just imagine the guy checking the laser sight on his hand or something, smiling with the bliss of a child who just got a new Tonka truck, and then frowning after a loud pop and blood gushing through a new hole in his leg. Hope you get well soon, buddy.

Stealing an Ambulance – Have you ever noticed that a funny story usually starts with “Authorities say a drunken man…blank”? Well, I have...and authorities say a drunken man stole an ambulance from a Wisconsin ski area with the patient and paramedics still inside. The Dane County Sheriff's Department says emergency responders were treating a patient in the back of the ambulance at the Tyrol Basin Ski and Snowboard Area in Mount Horeb on Monday night. They say a 24-year-old Illinois man got into the vehicle and drove it around the parking lot. The sheriff's department says deputies arrested the man…but it is unclear how he was stopped (snow bank maybe?). Fitch-Rona Medical Service Deputy Chief Dale Dow says the ambulance's emergency brake was on and paramedics were still in the back when the man got inside. He says he doesn't know what happened after that. No other details were immediately available. Well, here’s my guess since I happen to be an expert in drunken theory. I think they’ll find that the man behind the wheel was actually a friend or extremely concerned passerby of the injured person. After a few minutes of treatment, he thought he’d take matters into his own hands. “Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll get you to the hosssspital.” He hops in the ambulance, knowingly inebriated and putting himself (and others) in danger, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. He drives off…and after a few yards he realizes an odor coming from the vehicle. “Whoa, is that me?” No, it’s the emergency brake that you forgot to disengage. He drives around the parking lot and soon realizes that he’s in a foreign land. “Where the ffffflap is the exit?” He hears a commotion from the back, “Don’t worry guys. We’re almost there.” POOF!!! Snow bank. I’ll let you know if there’s any official update on the story…but I’m sticking with my version.

Sword Swallower – Insert oral sex joke at leisure throughout this story. An Australian performance artist set a new Guinness World Record on Monday by simultaneously swallowing 18 swords, each nearly as long as two and a half rulers (here’s a good spot for a political oral sex joke). Chayne Hultgren, also known by his stage name The Space Cowboy (another good spot, for example, “In space, nobody can hear you coming”), beat the record he had set in 2008 by swallowing the swords, each 72 cm (about 28 inches) long, at an outdoor event in central Sydney. The 31-year-old said he started practicing with swords when he was 16 (wait…) and has used different methods to perfect the art (wait…), including stretching his throat with hoses (NOW!!!). He said that while the stunt was not dangerous, he spent many hours training for it. After setting the record, he said, "Wow, I did it, it feels good, thank you very much, it feels really good actually." (Did anybody else read that with a lisp too?) Congratulations Chayne!!! And my apologies if my jokes offended you. Then again, you are a sword swallower.

Forgetting the Ten Crack Commandments – Can anybody else recite the Ten Crack Commandments? Remember? Biggie Smalls? No? Okay, well…it’s a step-by-step booklet for you to get your game on track (not your wig pushed back) with regards to the crack industry. It’s okay though, apparently there are a few out there who don’t know it…or maybe just forgot it over the years (R.I.P. B.I.G.) Authorities said a man accused of stealing a car, then reporting it stolen remains in custody after telling police he was robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy crack cocaine with a credit card (“That goddamn credit, forget it! You think a crackhead paying you back?”). The Flint Journal said the man reported Thursday night that a 2003 Chevy Malibu had been stolen. Police reports indicated the vehicle was previously stolen out of Lapeer, Michigan (about 50 miles north-northwest of my favorite US city Detroit). The suspect is being lodged (nice way of putting it) at the Genesee County Jail. No further details were released. As the late great Rick James said, “Cocaine’s a helluva drug.” I thought it funny that they said “the suspect is being lodged” especially after this next story.

Rent-A-Cell - Supplementing one's income by renting out a spare room is hardly a novel concept, but the Netherlands took it a big step further Friday when, in an European first, it officially leased a prison to Belgium. With plenty of prison cells to spare (cuz everything’s legal except margarine or stuff like that), the Netherlands has agreed to admit 500 Belgian inmates into its prison in the southern Dutch city of Tilburg. Belgium will pay the Dutch 30 million euros (over $41 million) a year for the favor under a three-year deal. Spearheaded last year by former Belgian prime minister Herman van Rompuy (who is now President of the European Council) the initiative should provide relief to Belgium's overcrowded prisons until new ones come into operation from 2012. Dutch Deputy Justice Minister Nebahat Albayrak delivered the keys of the prison to Belgian Justice Minister Stefaan De Clerck, handing over a hand-sized symbolic key tied to ribbons in the color of the Dutch and Belgian flags in a ceremony also attended by Dutch Justice Minister Ernst Hirsch Ballin (that’s right, ballin’ is his real name). Albayrak said, "We are not making a profit here. Construction of many prisons over a short period combined with lower criminality rates meant that we had overcapacity." The prison, located in Tilburg's outer city districts and surrounded by an electric, barbed-wire fence, will be staffed by both Dutch and Belgian employees, while the director, Frank Schoeters, is also Belgian. The transfer of inmates to Tilburg will take place throughout February, with detainees at risk of flight or a social risk that is not in line with the prison's security level excluded from the deal, the Dutch authorities said. The overcrowded conditions in many of Belgium's 32 prisons (20 of which date back to the 19th century) can often provide a sharp contrast to the Dutch prisons. Belgium caters for 10,400 prisoners by having only 8,400 places, a far cry from the overcapacity of 2,000 places that the Netherlands has. Matching demand with supply can be challenging for many governments when it comes to prison infrastructure. The United States, home to the world's largest prison population, turns to the private sector to accommodate some of its inmates. The Dutch prisoners at Tilburg have already been transferred to other prisons in the Netherlands. The deal with Belgium can be extended or reduced by one year, based on the needs of the two sides. According to Albayrak, "What I understand is that most people that are selected to be placed in Tilburg are quite happy and I also hear some are disappointed when they are not selected." Yeah, that’s gotta suck. Hmm, the Netherlands has too few criminals to put in their prisons…yet I seem to post stories like this every few weeks…

Amsterdam Update – And a VERY Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!!! A week before Valentine's Day, a consignment of cocaine was found hidden among 20,000 roses from Latin America at Amsterdam airport, Dutch authorities said Wednesday. The roses arrived last Sunday on a flight from Bogota, Colombia (renowned for having the best roses in all the world), which stopped over in Puerto Rico, the public prosecutors' office said in a statement. The drug was found in cellophane packets hidden in boxes containing the roses. Three people in the Netherlands were arrested and police found a total of 9 kilos (20 lb) of cocaine in their possession, including the seized shipment, with a street value of about 1.3 million euros. The Netherlands is a major flower trading hub, home to the world's biggest flower auction house and is the source of 60% of the world's flower exports. What tipped off authorities? My guess, there were three things – That the shipment came from Bogota, the shipment was roses & not tulips (a.k.a. Dutch gold) and the last one…is they paid for the shipment in cash (“That goddamn credit, forget it!!!”).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. I hope you enjoyed today’s run through the funny pages. Glad to finally have a license plate on Gretchen…and it only took a little over two months and more time off work than I’d care to discuss. I’m in a good mood. Have a great day everybody!!!