Still Loading, Please Hold

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, as mentioned yesterday, I am back from New Orleans safe & sound…and quite exhausted. I'm loading pictures as fast as I can…but it's a timely process. Especially with all the cool stuff that I got to see and experience. Had yet another bill collector call for a utility bill from my hellhole apartment (formerly known as the Cooliseum) that I cancelled back in October. I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't dream calling all of these places up individually and cancelling my service back in mid-October…but apparently I may have. I'm also pretty sure that if I did, I would have been receiving a lap dance from some mysterious woman, who may or may not have been a cyborg while cancelling these services…which I assume you that I don't recall at all…and I'm pretty sure that I would remember something like that. Anyway, it has been taken care of…and I'm going to call any place that I've ever had any kind of a bill concerning that f**king place and make sure that I'm not paying for two apartments when I can damn well barely afford the one that I'm currently in. Apparently whoever got that apartment after me got a free winter's heating bill…and I didn't even get a thank you. Oh well, hopefully it kept them warm for a few months. The gas company can stay warm too…as they burn in Hell for all I care. Still in a great mood though. I've just been catching up at work. They decided to give me new responsibilities while I was gone…so that's fun. It's not as cool as when they decided to give me a raise when I was in New Orleans last time…but it's something I should keep in mind.

Well, today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent ending in Easter. Traditionally, I understand that you're supposed to swear off something for that forty day interval…and then usually gorge yourself on deviled eggs and chocolate bunnies when it's over. At least that's how I understand it. Now I’m trying to think of things that I can swear off to join in this tradition…and I could say something like sex…but honestly, it would only be in hopes of some kind of reverse psychology…and then when the opportunity arose over a drunken encounter on St. Patty's Day, I would blow it. (That's what she said) Why not alcohol? St. Patty's Day is in between…and that's not much of a stretch for me either. I've never smoked…and don't plan to start. Maybe I should start for 40 days. Nah, that's dumb…but I'm thinking outside of the box. (That's what she said?) Why not fast food? I would probably starve…and I'd get caught up on the whole definition of fast food and that would just get bothersome. Go to the gym for 40 days? I'd definitely try…but I'm going to Cali during that time. The only thing that I can think of…that might work out…and actually be a very bold thing for me…is to swear off carbonated beverages until Easter. Drinking only water, juice, blood and soy sauce or something like that. Yeah, I think that'll do it. From now…until Zombie Jesus Day, I'm going to be soda free…and try my best to make it to the gym everyday. Geez, it's been a few weeks since I went consistently. Damn you Filly…and Mardi Gras...and JL Clyde…and other funny excuse…and my own laziness and pulling a muscle. Oh well, NO SODA FOR FORTY DAYS…AND FORTY NIGHTS!!! So let it be written…so let it be done…

The Governator is Expendable - Former action star turned California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (try to tell me you've never heard of him) will have a cameo in the upcoming Sylvester Stallone flick "The Expendables" already starring half of kick-ass Hollywood…like Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren. His cameo will be a stretch…because he'll be playing…himself. Maybe he gets a handshake and a photo-op before the end credits roll or something. In other casting news for this…what I can only assume is going to be an epic masterpiece of coolness…is that Sir Ben Kingsley has apparently backed out of the movie (if he sites problems with the script, I'm going to remind everybody about Bloodrayne) and his role as a corrupt CIA agent has now been cast as Eric Roberts (who I just found out last night in the Season 3 Finale of the L Word…is Shane's deadbeat dad. I think I'm about four years behind on that show…but I'm catching up.). Apparently, Machete a.k.a. Danny Trejo has landed a role as well. Could he be the ruthless South American dictator? Or perhaps the #2 to the dictator (still think Antonio Benderas will eventually take that part)? Who knows? I'm already excited to see it. Allegedly they start filming next month…so keep your eyes open.

Other than that, I have no idea what's going on outside of my own world this past week. I know my brother's going through a divorce…so he's…cheerful. My mom wants to go to New Orleans now…so she may be joining me next time. My dad's been hanging out with an old friend that…well, they really hadn't hung out since I was a little kid…so that's cool. Bubbles is sick, so I hope she's feeling better today. I'm sure that Filly's glad that Mardi Gras is over…and with only a few known casualties this year. So with that in mind, maybe I'll just do one of these questionnaire things that the Mad Scientist just sent me. I'm pretty sure that I've done this one before…but I'm bored and can't do any more work really…and can't load pictures…so here you go. Have a great day everybody!!! Pictures are on the way…

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Steve McQueen - The King of Cool (apparently it was also my dad's Christening name…but I have no idea what that means)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
During a very special episode of the L Word last night. Yes, a show about lesbians brought a tear to my eye…like sweet cherry pie...

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I like that nobody else can read it. It gives me an excuse to type emails instead of write letters.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Breast…and it really doesn't matter the bird

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not that I'm aware of. I did have a part-time job as a donor though for a few months…but I guess I'll find out in a few years if that were the case. Man, that would be an awkward conversation. "Hi, I'm $teve. We…talked on the phone." "Oh wow, YOU are my biological father. That makes sense. My mom's only 5'5" and I'm already 5'10" at thirteen years old." "Yup, just like your…ugh, me. Hmm. So ugh…do you play basketball?" "Yeah." "Do you already hate that everybody asks you that?" "Hehe, yeah." "Here's what you do, you just ask them if they play miniature golf." "Haha, that's funny, mister." "Yeah, my smart ass gets me through the day." "(Gasp) You said ass!!!" "Oh sorry, I ugh…forgot you were a kid." "It's okay. Mommy swears once in a while too." "You don't swear though, do ya?" "Well, once in a while…but not much." "That's good. Just be respectful and you'll be respected." "Okay." Awkward silence. "So ugh…hmm. Is ugh…is your mom hot?"

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I were a single mother, absolutely. I don't know what it is…but they really seem to dig me. Sorry, the ugh…wording of the question was a little confusing. Anybody that knows better would be friends with me…and not just because I'm so humble.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Use is such a strong word...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Ain't no fancy doctor gonna take MY tonsils. Everybody knows that where magic comes from.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Absolutely. In fact, I need to set that up. Hey Mad Scientist, do you wanna go bungee jumping?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honey Nut Cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Of course. They're shoes, not slippers…and it's not like I can get them a few sizes too big. It's already hard enough finding size 14's

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Oddly enough, this question came up at a meeting today…and I went with gelato. Specifically, rice gelato that I had in Florence when I went there a decade ago…and oddly enough, a coworker said the exact same thing…and we were instantly best buds…and have been trying to find where we can get rice gelato…to no avail. By the way, what happened to #12?

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Eyes and hopefully a smile. If I can't find a smile though, I'll usually try to get one out of them.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue…and according to one of Filly's friends the other night, it's because I've been conditioned that way since I was a baby boy…and that's why most boys say blue…and most girls say pink…this is according to her…because originally, I was going to say green (GO EAGLES!!!) but I was wearing blue beads at the time…and her eyes were blue. So therefore, I wasn't conditioned as a child, I was brainwashed by a southern belle. There's a distinct difference.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm pretty f**king awesome in my own humble opinion. I don't know. What's your least favorite thing about me? Maybe that's a more provocative question.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
I miss lots of people from Utah…and friends & family scattered all over the place. As far as most, it's hard to think of one specifically…but you're all missed. Just so you're aware. Don’t get all misty eyed on me though. You're gonna come visit…or I'll visit there & you'll think of some reason to ditch me. You know what? On second thought, God damn the whole lot of you. (Big thanks to the Mad Scientist for making that an acceptable ending salutation on workplace emails…)

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
If they want to, sure, why not? I'd read it. I find people interesting. Especially when they ramble about answers. I like to know stuff like WHY cookie dough is your favorite ice cream…or HOW you see yourself and why you'd be your own buddy. I think it's awesome.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Chocolate brown suit pants and matching size 14 Italian leather dress shoes…from Italian cows that say "Bellisimooooo!!!"

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Girls gossip about the Bachelor…and phones ringing. Quick question, why do all of these online questionnaires miss a lot of numbers? Does somebody delete them in the copy & forward process? Is the author just not able to count? Does somebody out there have a phobia of these numbers? I'm more intrigued by that then what I'm listening to right now. The Bachelor's basically a whore-off anyway…which is why I like to watch it when nothing better's on.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink…because all the girls would squeeze me, use me (to make little hearts to dot their I's or whatever) and then put me back in a drawer until they're ready for me again. It may be the closest that I ever come to being somebody's vibrator.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Scent of a Woman - Girly sweat with a dash of perfume. I don't have a great sense of smell at all…but when combined with the taste from kissing a girl's neckline, that smell definitely beats out rain or lavender or anything else like that.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She's totally bummed that I moved to Denver.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Pole Dancing. It's a sport in my world. Incredible athletes…and it's definitely a spectator sport…with plenty of beer, nachos and dolla dolla bills y'all. Besides, most dancers would remember to put in a question #25.

27. HAIR COLOR?
I'm gonna go with…Sepia or maybe…Raw Umber

28. EYE COLOR?
Cerulean…because it sounds cooler than blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Can't stand those things. That's why I had Lasik surgery.

30. FAVORITE FOODS?
Soul Food…which is one reason I like New Orleans so much. It's one of those places where you can get decent fried catfish…at your local gas station.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
There's a reason that I've never asked a masseuse for a Scary Movie. I'm not sure what it's a metaphor for…but it's gonna be really difficult to top a Happy Ending.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Choke - It's amazing. Rent it.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Mocha dress shirt to go with the suit…and chocolate suit jacket. I'm a sexy corporate teddy bear.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
If I had to pick one, I'd say summer…but only because people drive like sh*t in the winter. I think snow makes some people temporarily retarded. Where the study on that?

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I really like to hug…but kisses have a deep meaning to me…so I reserve them for extremely special people.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Same person that responds to #36. Oh wait, no #36. What a surprise! By the way, I guess that pretty much answers #7.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Well, I just finished my "Dirty Filthy Jokes" that Bubbles got me for Christmas…so any suggestions? Maybe a Hunter S Thompson or something a little crazy. I like crazy.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I'm at work, so my mouse pad is…just a mouse pad. Literally. Just a black mouse pad…with nothing on it. I may have to bring one from home. It's depressing me now. So bland. Maybe I'll bring some Mardi Gras beads and Jazz up my workspace.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I watched a few episodes of the L Word in between talking to people and letting them know that I made it out of Mardi Gras safely…and had hella fun.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Again, the sounds that a woman makes while tasting her…and getting close enough for me to smell her…those beat out the ocean waves or Nat King Cole or the ice cream truck or anything like that. It's not even close. Hearing my name that way definitely beats out the rain.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
I don't care about the Rolling Stones at all. Can't wait for The Beatles Rock Band game that's supposed to come out this year.

44. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Chengdu, China which is the full twelve hours time difference…so I think it's technically as far as I can get from home and still be on planet Earth. I'll have to wait until 2034, when I can take a teleporter to the moon.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Ask your mother...

46 WHERE WERE U BORN?
Ask my mother...

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
As I mentioned before, all of them. Holla!!!

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR CURRENT/MOST RECENT SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where I meet all my past significant others…work.

Again, have a great day everybody!!! Sorry if I bored you. Pictures are on the way.

Mardi Gras Was Awesome!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I have returned from the Crescent City with many a wonderful story to tell...but alas, the past six days in the Dirty South has drained me of my vigor & fluids...and I'm just not in the mood right now to type a long story. I'm simply too sore and have too much catching up to do right now...and there's now an accurate measurement, just returned from the Association of Weights & Measures, and there are actually over TWO sh*tloads of pictures from my journey, which I will systematically widdle down to an acceptable & entertaining number (sorry, no nudity on this website).

All I'm going to say at this time is that we went to a lot of great parades, saw a lot of drunk people, got at least a sh*tload of beads and other free goodies, I impressed a few hotties with my ballroom dancing abilities, had a girl ride me like a pony (sadly with the clothes on) and there were special celebrity guests. Other than that, I'm afraid that you'll have to wait until tomorrow...or whenever I can find enough time to load up ALL the pictures that I have. Please be patient. In the meantime, I'd like to wish a happy Mardi Gras to everybody...and a happy birthday to little Croz. Happy 1st birthday playa!!! I'd also like to thank Filly for giving me a floor to sleep on during this event...so that I could afford it...but seriously, you owed me.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Le Krewe de Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, tomorrow I'll be in New Orleans…so you won't be hearing from me for a few days. I know, I know. It sucks…but you'll survive…and if not, then just gimme a call. No matter how loud the parade is, how drunk I am, or how many breasts are flaunted in my face, I'll do my best to answer the call…but please keep in mind…that it'll be really loud…and I'll probably be really drunk…and I anticipate a LOT of breasts being flaunted in my face. There should be some great pictures (and video?) so dry your eyes, it'll be worth it.

Yesterday, President Barack Obama stopped by to say howdy…yes, specifically to me…because I am American people. He even went to my favorite attraction in this city, the Museum of Nature & Science (because they have dinosaurs) and signed the Economic Stimulus Bill of (big gulp) $787 BILLION in delegated financial aid. Oddly enough, the alleged reason that the President chose the Museum as the site wasn't because of the dinosaurs (again, allegedly) or even the fact that his good buddy and advisor Dr Mookie Love could see him from his 34th floor apartment window not quite two miles away…or even that Denver was the site of the DNC shortly before his advisor Dr Love moved out here…but rather because the roof of the Museum has a solar energy paneled roof…and this package is suppose to stimulate the economy as well as "green energy" related programs. I'm still pretty convinced that it's the dinosaurs though…but that's not the point. The point is…that the check has been signed…and if you want to (allegedly) follow where the money's going, you can check out the website (http://www.blogger.com/www.recovery.gov) and see who gets it. Who knows? Through trickle-down economics, it may be you…in a few years. Today, he's in Phoenix for the unveiling of a program to help millions of homeowners fend off foreclosures. Desert cities like Phoenix & Vegas have been hit hardest by this…but there was something mentioned in the stimulus package that get this blogger a little excited.

Monorail! Monorail! MONORAIL!!! - Okay, so in this (sigh) $787 BILLION bill, there's mention of $400 tax breaks per person, bailing out the auto industry & Wall Street (after first mocking them incessantly) and so on…but there's also a part that includes $8 BILLION for high-speed rail projects (you know, like on the first Mission: Impossible movie). Cool, right? It gets better. What if I were to tell you…that the top proposed project in this endeavor…was a 311 MPH train whose track ran from the Happiest Place on Earth…all the way to Disneyland? What? No, they're not one and the same. I'm talking about the Happiest Place on Earth a.k.a. Sin City a.k.a. Las Vegas, Nevada…to Disneyland in Anaheim, California…in less than two hours…through the Sierra Nevadas. Can you tell how excited I am? Sure, there's a part of me that thinks about a salesman voiced by Phil Hartman coming into Springfield and breaking into song mid-sales pitch…but there's another part of me that thinks "Hmm, I could have breakfast in Redondo Beach, spend the day at Disneyland with the family, take a nap on the bullet train and wake up to a lap dance at Sapphire…all in one day…and ugh, helping the environment too…cuz that's important to me too." Anyway, more to come as things develop…but I doubt it's going to be built in a week.

Last night, I also watched a great movie that I wanted to see for over a year now since the Mad Scientist told me about it. It's the movie "Choke" based on the book by Chuck Palahniuk that I actually read. I know, right? Originally, I was going to watch this movie when it came out in theatres...but because Utah's a prudish state...and this is the story involving sex addiction, Jesus, kidnapping, choking, scams, strippers, and foul language...it was played on one theatre, one showing, opening night, in Logan (about two hours from where I live) and then was never seen again. Well, thanks Netflix for making this possible. It's actually a pretty good movie almost directly adapted from the book (except for a few things and a different ending...but still pretty good). Sam Rockwell plays Victor Mancini, a medical school drop-out sex addict who scams people into sending him money by choking on food in restaurants, letting people save him, they give him money...and he passes it along to a nursing home that takes care of his sick & crazy mother (Angelica Huston). Along the way, he meets a lovely doctor Paige (Kelly Macdonald) and the story goes from there. Just check it out.

Wanna Be In Pictures? - Have you ever wanted to be a big time Hollywood producer? Accept awards for your films? Make big decisions when times are tough? Wheel & deal with other big shots? Hire & fire on a whim? Yell into cellular phones while cruising the PCH and snorting coke off a hooker's ass? Destroy all who question you and your omnipotent power over them? Me too. Now, here's your chance…sort of. Widely derided German director Uwe Boll (who has brought you such ridiculous crap as "Bloodrayne", "Alone in the Dark" and a bunch of other video game adaptations that sucked) has found a new way to finance his upcoming films - online punters. For around $49, you can be a 'co-producer' on Boll's terrorist disaster tale "Blackout". Boll hopes to raise $18.5 million through the film's Web site TheBlackoutFilm.com. Those who sign up and transfer the money are promised a limited-edition DVD of the film (normally $3 in your local bargain bin three months after nationwide theatrical release) plus a chance to win a trip to the set and other prizes. The site will be open till March 31st. If the planned budget is not reached by then, but at least 43% of the desired cash has been collected, Boll may elect to make the movie with a smaller budget. If not, he says he will return most of the cash to investors with at least $40 from each payment being returned should the film not get made (processing fees). Boll is currently shooting the apocalyptic thriller "The Storm" starring Lauren Holly ("Dumb & Dumber" & "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story") and Luke Perry ("90210", "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "8 Seconds"). It's a bold new move from Uwe Boll…who is widely regarded as a running joke in Hollywood because…well, his movies are just pretty damn terrible. Okay, I liked "In the Name of the King" last year…but other than that, the only reason to watch the movies is just to see Kristanna Loken naked in one of the most awkward sex scenes ever or just seeing how hard up for money great actors like Sir Ben Kingsley are in today's film industry. I do like to see Udo Kier & Billy Zane in movies still though. Anyway, he's basically the Ed Wood of our generation…so there's that appeal…but if you ever want to have your name in the end credits of a movie, this is probably the easiest way to do it. Who knows? Maybe if I win that trip to the set (wherever that may be…maybe Prague…but more than likely Culver City) then I'll get to meet Kristanna Loken…and I can share my dream about the Terminator taking my Johnson…and she'll fall madly in Lust with me. It could happen. Don't judge me.

Sci-Fi Babes - Okay, so since I'm talking about a Terminator, apparently there's this website called MSN Movies that has listed the Top Sci-Fi Movie Babes of All Time…and Megan Fox was voted Number One (I told you she was going to be HUGE) but this is amid some controversy. Sure, she's hot. There is no doubt. In fact, she's so hot, I'm starting to question whether she may be a robot too…but she's only been in one big movie…and we're talking about all time here. Anyway, here's the top five from the poll…followed by my write-in votes for #6-10. I'm always up to suggestions though…so let me know what you think & if you have any that I might have missed..

1. Megan Fox (Transformers) - 33% - Again, can't argue really on hotness…but yeah...


2. Halle Berry (X-Men) - 26% - Academy Award winning Bond girl, so why do I keep thinking about Swordfish?


3. Milla Jovovich (Fifth Element) - 17% - Now, you KNOW my baby's mama would be higher on MY list. The Perfect Being…and she was in a zombie trilogy.


4. Natalie Portman (Star Wars) - 8% - Apparently she & Carrie Fisher tied…but all I have to say is, where's O'Hura?


5. Sigourney Weaver (Alien Quadrilogy) - 8% - "Get away from her you BITCH!!!"


6. Natasha Henstridge (Species) - Even starred on an episode of South Park as "the chick from Species" and everybody knew who they were talking about.


7. Cast of Battlestar Galactica TV Series - Have you SEEN this show? I think like four of Maxim's Top 100 Hottest Hotties star in this series…and Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess) and even Mary McDonnell (Independence Day & Dances with Wolves). Still doesn’t make up for the fact that one of Edward James Olmos' parents may have been an orange.


8. Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) - Linda Hamilton is a handsome woman…but she just doesn't really do it for me. This sexbot beat out Sean Young in Blade Runner by this much.


9. Jane Fonda (Barbarella) - "Is that a Sci-fi movie?" "What else would it be?"


10. The chick with three boobs (Total Recall) - "You do know the middle one was paper mache, right?" "Oh gee, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's fake, I don't care." Anyway, write-in votes are accepted.
    

By the way, in my absence, feel free to check out the Angry Alien website for one of my favorite pointless internet hilarities, two-hour Hollywood stories shortened to thirty seconds…and performed by bunnies. They're quite hilarious…and I have to say that my personal favorite would be "Fight Club" though there are about a dozen that I've seen multiple times like "Rocky" and "Reservoir Dogs." Enjoy. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Lemonade Award

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, I'd like to congratulate Lilie and her longtime boyfriend on finally & officially becoming engaged. I wish them nothing but the best…and I hope that they can work out living in the same state again soon (damned economy!!!). Ah, to be in Love. Wouldn't it be nice? (Stares off into his own imagination for a few moments…as a tear runs down his cheek) Congratulations again to both of you!!!

Enough of that lubby dubby stuff, back to me. Jlee bestowed yet another award on me…because she rocks…and apparently has great taste. See, there's apparently this Lemonade Award which is given to sites that show a great attitude and/or gratitude…and allegedly, I am worthy of such a virtual honor. Awesome!!! Well, there's some rules with this award (like touring after you win American Idol and hanging out with sick kids when you win Miss America) so here they are…

Rules for the award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Nominate your favorites and link to this post.

Well, in addition to the bloggers that I've already given the Arte y Pico Award to six months ago (and have already rambled on about) by B's Microsuede, the bubblier Bone Junior, BSUWG (now Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass), Lis & D (and Croz), and Mediocre Gatsby (sorry about the berries, dude) here are TEN MORE wonderful bloggers that I enjoy reading and I am grateful for them…in no particular order except alphabetical...

Amber Colored Life - This is just one funny chick from the Great White North (okay, Minnesota…but still). Full of her random thoughts and basically just a great perky perspective of Love, Life & things that just make you happy.

Doc - His blog is about Beer…and so much more. Hilarious cartoons, love letters to his wife, stories from his well of experience and just overall craziness. I always look forward to when I get comments from this guy…because you can tell that he just "gets it." Check his site out…and tell him that Dr Love sent ya.

JL Clyde - Never before have I met a girl that loves American football so much. She just won't stop talking about it…except maybe to read about it…or serve her community service hours by hanging out with schizophrenics in Colorado. As for her blog, it's always full of poetry, book reviews, pictures and zany observations. Did I mention that she loves football? Because she really does.

Lilie - Congratulations again on your engagement, Lilie!!! A newcomer to the blogosphere, she chronicles her adventures in the new land of California and always makes sure to mention a funny thing that happened to her each day and something that she's thankful for. Everybody should take a moment in their day to reflect on stuff like that…especially when you're stressed out.

Mad Scientist - Also a HUGE fan of the football. He's also a movie geek, photography geek, physics/engineering geek, music geek, cartoon geek and is also one of the few lucky people who can keep up with my obscure references and wise-ass sense of humor. He's brilliant and can deconstruct a movie like a professional critic or a master of the arts…but isn't afraid to throw in a fart joke to make his point. Can't wait until he & From Russia With Love come to visit In Colorado With Dr Love.

Mitchieville - The Mayor & citizens of Mitchieville also like to bring up random thoughts and news clippings from around the world…with their own little twist. The motto of the blog is "Think Globally, Act Locally, and Demand Handouts." What more need I say?

Pirate Monkey - A hot chick that has a blog about scary & awesomely bad movies and titled her personal one after Pirates & Monkeys. Always full of wit, entertainment and ask her the story about the Turkish Brothel.

Ruben auf Deutsch - Whenever I want to brush up on my German, I'll try to translate this blog…and see the world from the point of view of another great man over two meters tall…but can definitely hold his alcohol better than I can. By the way, did you know this guy's bigger than I am…and drives a smart car? And no, he doesn't play basketball.

TAN - The Assimilated Negro always has a fresh conspiracy theory and checks out popular culture from his own distinct point of view. Still a huge fan of his post "Six Asses That Changed America" back when I first became a blogger.

Vollman - One funny Canuck with yet another askew perspective on life. I often wonder if half of the conversations that he talks about really occurred or not…but then I remember, you know, if I had a weaker frontal lobe, I'd probably have a lot of conversations like this. Kudos to having the sheer BALLS to be Vollman good sir. Kudos.

So yeah, if you're looking for a little happiness in these troubling times, I'd personally recommend checking out these blogs. They're good peeps…and they're fairly consistently updated. Thanks to all of you for actually reading this blog too. I'm always glad when I hear that this makes somebody's day a little better. Whether making you laugh out loud (or preferably long & hard) or just making you smile…and maybe even think a little bit. Though I'm reminded of the lyrics of one of the greatest songs of all time - "I don't want clever conversation, don’t want to work that hard. I just want some…someone to talk to. I want you just the way you are." (Saxophone solo) Now for some intriguing and mind-blowingly deep news stories…

Teenage Mutant Injured Turtle - A Japanese conservation group said Monday it plans to fit prosthetic front limbs to a sea turtle injured in what marine scientists believe was a shark attack (not turtle fin soup). "We need to pay special attention as the forelimbs will have to be strong enough to (allow her) to climb up a beach," Erika Akai, a researcher at the non-profit Sea Turtle Association of Japan, told AFP. "She should eventually be able to lay eggs on a beach." The injured loggerhead sea turtle, with a 30-inch long shell, was named Yu ("Hey Yu!") after being rescued off southwestern Japan following a suspected shark attack last summer. "Since we cannot release her like this, because her swimming capability is only at 60 percent of that of a healthy turtle, we decided to make prosthetic fins for her," said Akai, adding that the project would start in May. The association has set up a fund and asked Japan's largest prosthetic limb maker in western Osaka prefecture to make the artificial fins. "We are fully aware that it will be a difficult challenge," said a spokeswoman for the company, Kawamura Gishi Co. "But we were moved by the passion of the association and decided to take part in the project." However, you have to take into account that the prosthetic limbs would give the turtle an unfair advantage. It's not like using an aerodynamic Speedo or a certain kind of wax, just imagine how fast Michael Phelps would be if he had a set of flippers on (and wasn't stoned all the time). With this unfair advantage, the whole loggerhead record book would have to have some kind of asterisk…and it would be shameful to the sport of babymaking. Okay, so maybe I'm just blowing smoke and causing unnecessary controversy (in an effort to get my own pundit show on Fox) but if you're going to give the turtle prosthetic limbs to get its swimming capability to 100%, then why not just go for 200%. Oh yeah, maybe more. Put some new aerodynamic rudders on those front flippers and strap a turbine engine on that shell. Or better yet, a combination like the engine…and those rudders have little climbing axes or shovels or something so that she can climb that beach like no other, dig a nice warm hole, drop her load and scoot on back into the ocean…and make it to the mystical land of Barbados (still think Rihanna's a robot) by morning. I'm just saying…and they'd come in handy if another shark attacked her too. Come on scientists, do your thing. It could be somebody's thesis project. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Flying Gizi - I know. Just the title alone sucks you in. "Flying what-now? Gi-zi? Ji-zy? Guy-zee?" A notorious 83-year-old Hungarian thief with a criminal record dating back six decades, was caught by police on Thursday at the scene of a break-in. Kosztor Sandorne, dubbed "Flying Gizi" by Hungarian media, was arrested after she entered a house in Komarom, a town in the northwest. Sandorne, who earned her nickname because she liked to flee her crime scenes by taking commercial flights (of course!), said she was in the house because she was trying to save money (ballsy). "At her hearing she said she wanted to find a cheaper lodging than in Budapest, where it is too expensive," a police spokeswoman told Reuters. "Flying Gizi" has been convicted more than 20 times and first came to the attention of the police in the 1950s. Her preferred method of travel is now rail rather than air, since train travel is free for pensioners in Hungary (No paper trail? Brilliant!!!). She was already under investigation for an alleged theft in Szentendre, a town near Budapest, before her latest detention. The owner of the house in Komarom has not yet decided whether to press charges. Why? Probably because the reaction is something like "THIS lady broke into my house. What is she, like a hundred? I wasn't using it. I mean…as long as she's not sh*tting on my rug or something, why not? Wait, you want to put her in jail? Dude!!! That's messed up. She's just…so old." The only thing that I don't get…is why is she called the Flying Gizi? Her name is Kosztor (which I'm assuming is only properly pronounced in Klingon). Maybe it's something in translation…but the only thing that I could find is that Gizi is the name of a neighborhood in Athens. That just confuses it more…like finding out that Batman is a city in Turkey. Anyway, glad another criminal is off the streets…or whatever the Hungarian equivalent is. Path or rut or whatever.

Local News - A jeweler from Kansas was robbed of about $300,000 in gems by armed men wearing ski masks outside a local Starbucks, police said. The armed robbery happened at about 8:30 a.m. today in a strip-mall parking lot near the intersection of Lincoln Avenue and South Parker Road, said Elise Penington, a Parker police spokeswoman. The jeweler, a 64-year-old man from Kansas, stopped at a Starbucks for a beverage, and when he went back to his vehicle, he was held up by three masked men, one brandishing a gun. The victim, who is in the Denver area on business, went back into the coffee shop after the robbery, and police were called. The robbers got away with three "tubs" of stones (holy crap, do you have any idea how many stones you can fit in a tub?) and the victim's briefcase, which was packed with a gun (hmm, that was thinking ahead). The victim was not harmed, and the robbers fled. They remain at large. Police did not have detailed descriptions on the robbers or a vehicle they may have fled in (but I'm sure the stones were healthily insured). Anyone with information on the incident is asked to call the Parker, Colorado police at 303-841-9800. Or if you want a belated Valentine's present, you can call my cell phone and let me know where I can get a few stones at bargain basement prices. I just never would've thought that a jewelry heist would happen at a Starbucks. Then again, a few months ago I never thought that the black market purchase of Hitler's Bookmark would happen either…but it did. Still waiting for the topless baristas though. Starbucks is apparently the new hot bed for criminal activity apparently. Can't wait for the next Bond flick. Exterior: Starbucks in Rome. Bond walks up to the counter and orders, "Venti iced caramel macchiato with an extra shot of caramel…shaken, not stirred." "Mamma mia. Ugh scusi…how many did you want?" HAHA!!! It's a bad Italian joke, see? Cuz venti means "twenty" in Italian or Fritalian or whatever language, right? And he's in Rome…in Italy…where they may or may not have Starbucks. Okay, any joke involving this much explanation probably shouldn't have been told. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the African-American Market before it closes.

Well, that'll do it for today. Remember to check out those blogs. You won't regret it. In fact, pretty much any on the right taskbar are a good bet. That's why they're there. T-minus two days until I'm in New Orleans…and Filly is super excited about me coming to crash on her couch…and her new roommate will just have to deal with it. To be perfect honest though, I don't plan on sleeping too much. Maybe a mid-day nap between parades. I'm not used to seeing the sun this time of year anyway…so it'll work out nice. I've promised the ladies that I work with that I'd bring them back some beads…but we'll see if HR is brought into the equation when I give them out. "Okay ladies, you know what to do…WOOOOHOOOO!!!" I mean…giving out beads without frontal nudity is like…giving out Christmas presents…without frontal nudity. It's just not right. Have a great day everybody!!!

Single Awareness Weekend Report

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I had a fairly splendid Valentine's Day Weekend. I did some good deeds on Friday the 13th. Saturday, I was all pumped to start the weekend, so I went to the gym…and then promptly landed funny while shooting hoops and pulled a muscle in my lower back. Yeah, it hurt a bit…but no biggie. It wasn't going to hold me down…just end my day at the gym. So I went back to the apartment, cooked me a nice lunch and talked with some of the ladyfriends…since it was Valentine's Day. Then that night, my cousin Ranae came over and we headed to the Tavern for a few drinks. It was a lot of fun. We caught up…since we really hadn't just hung out in about a decade…usually our family reunions are just too hectic to do anything…what with literally HUNDREDS of little kids running around (mom was one of 17 kids…and all my cousins are of breeding years…and now some of my cousins' kids are getting there…but I'm not old). We sat back, had a few drinks, and watched a bit of the NBA All-Star weekend and even a professional Lacrosse game (we weren't familiar with it, so we basically mocked it and looked at the other team's logo and read the subtitles trying to figure out who they were...and it ended up being the Roughnecks, we were WAY off) all while listening to hits of the 80's and 90's that we seemed to have stories associated with each one. "Holy crap, this song was such a huge hit when I was in high school (sigh) ten years ago." We're just a few months apart age-wise, so yeah…we related to a lot of music.

Get this. Jlee commented on my blog yesterday about my touching Valentine's note of a hopeless romantic...while listening to Richard Cheese's version of "Rape Me" on my music list…so that's why I mention this. One of the songs that came on was Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" of which is also covered by Mr. Cheese. So I start laughing a bit…and she is too (probably just to humor me). "Sorry, I just…do you know who Richard Cheese is?" She looked at me wide-eyed, "Ricardo Caso? YES!!! I was thinking about him earlier when Belle Biv Devoe was on." "Get the f**k out! I have all eight of his CDs and I just got this new live album in the mail the other day." So yeah, we were super excited to find other Richard Cheese fans. Good times. We hung out for a while and watched "Tropic Thunder" (she hadn't seen it but wanted to). Lot of fun…and it's good to know that there's somebody nearby that if we get bored, we can just call up and hang out. Also, God forbid if anything should happen, I've got family nearby. Definitely a reassuring thought. Much more reassuring than the thought that it seems one of my best Valentine's "dates" ever was with my cousin…but she still doesn't beat last year with Bubbles & the Mad Scientist.

Sunday, I basically didn't do a damn thing. I don't know how else to put it. More specifically, I went to Walgreen's to get toilet paper & conditioner…and basically spent the rest of the day talking to family and…get this, READING. I know, what the hell's going on? There is some great news that comes out of this though. The Wingmans may be going to California with me that first week of April. I got a message from Mrs Wingman that they just got back from Vegas for the weekend and missed me (can't believe it's been almost two years since we last went) so we got to talking…and they really want to go. It'll also be great for me…because then if I don’t wanna do the same thing as my 12-year old cousin…or simply can't stand being around my aunt or something, we can hope in the Wingman's Yellow Taxi and head to a strip club or grunion hunt or go fly a kite or something. It keeps our options open…and our fists unclenched. Oh…and before that, I leave for Mardi Gras in three days. Yay! Good time to be me…and definitely a great Valentine's Weekend. Enough about me though…here's the news...

I Swear This NEVER Happens - A man who reached into his pocket to pay for lunch at a hospital cafeteria in Lafayette, Colorado accidentally shot himself with the gun in his pocket. Police and officials at Exempla Good Samaritan Medical Center said it was an unfortunate accident. Officials said 59-year-old Steve Tapp of Thornton was treated at the hospital and released. No one else was hurt…despite reports that one man laughed so hard that "his side split open" but that was later confirmed to be false. Officials said Tapp, who was visiting family at the hospital, shot himself in the right thigh Tuesday. Security guards responded and took the gun. Tapp faces possible misdemeanor charges of unlawfully carrying a concealed weapon, prohibited use of a weapon and reckless endangerment. The hospital forbids guns, although no sign was posted Tuesday stating the policy. At least he was in the right place to have his gun accidentally go off in his hand.

Record Breaking Broken - A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Lee Redmond of Salt Lake City sustained serious but non-life-threatening injuries in the accident Tuesday. Redmond's nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, were broken in the crash. According to the Guinness Web site, her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches. Salt Lake County Sheriff's Lt. Don Hutson says Redmond was ejected from an SUV in the crash and taken to the hospital in serious condition. I wish Ms. Redmond a speedy recover…and it's amazing that somebody has fingernails older than I am…and a little creepy all at the same time. I can't believe that I never met this lady…and she was in Slick City the whole time. Maybe she just hung out at home waiting for her fingernails to grow…with her cats. I don't know. Maybe it's just a feeling that I get from this picture.

Act Like A Millionaire - A flashy handbag or Armani suit can signal a person's wealth, but so can their body language, according to a new study. People of higher socioeconomic status are more rude when conversing with others. Psychologists Michael Kraus and Dacher Keltner at UC-Berkeley, videotaped pairs of undergraduate students who were strangers to one another, during one-on-one interviews. In total, 100 undergraduate students participated. The researchers then looked for certain gestures that indicate level of interest in the other person during one-minute slices of each conversation. They found that students whose parents were from higher socioeconomic status (SES) backgrounds engaged in more of what he called "impolite" behaviors, such as grooming, doodling and fidgeting. Lower SES students showed more "I'm interested" gestures, including laughter and raising of the eyebrows The higher SES students fidgeted with nearby objects (money clips?) for an average of two seconds, while those from lower SES backgrounds almost never fidgeted during the 60-second clips. Upper SES students also groomed themselves for short stints while lower SES students didn't. Rather, the lower SES students nodded their heads, laughed and raised their eyebrows an average of one to two seconds more than their upper SES counterparts. "We're talking seconds here, but that is a pretty big difference when you consider that we coded one minute of interaction time. So how many times a day are you nodding if you're lower socioeconomic status?" It comes down to our animalistic tendencies, Kraus explained. Like a peacock's tail, the seemingly snooty gestures of higher SES students indicates modern society's version of "I'm fit," and "I don't need you." "In the animal world, conflict arises when you're battling for status. So it's adaptive for us to avoid those conflicts and tell us we know 'I'm higher status than you, so don't bother having a conflict with me,'" Kraus figures. Lower SES individuals can't afford to brush off others. "Lower SES people have fewer resources, and by definition should be more dependent on others." Not really sure if this was news to anybody…but maybe it can come in handy. Hmm, maybe if I act like a douche, the ladies will think I'm loaded…and then be willing to put up with it in hopes of scamming me. Then I pull a Joe Millionaire on them…and it's the greatest April Fool's Day ever. I'd better get started on this. Only about six weeks until the big day.

Then again, apparently I'm just too damn nice for all that. So instead I'll just have to invest, live within my means, and still be the sexiest mother lover alive. That'll do it for today. Not much else to ramble about. Have a great day everybody!!!

Message to My Valentine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last year, I kind of rambled on about how this time of year typically sucks for me…but not this year. Today, as with every other day in the world of Dr Mookie Love, it's all about you…ladies. I know that some of you have your man there…so I'm gonna let him whisper in your ear and tell you what you wanna hear…because that's what he's supposed to do. However, I also know that for whatever reason, some of you don’t have that special someone with you tonight. Maybe circumstances have you a few hundred miles apart with both of you trying to make ends meet in this damn economy. Maybe they're off protecting our way of life half a world away. Maybe you think that nobody's there for you…but in reality, they're just too damn intimidated by your beauty to make a move. I mean…what could you possibly see in him? His awkwardness? His feeble attempts at charm? You deserve some millionairre with a Spanish accent and a G5. How could I…er, he possibly compete with that? So they hang back in the shadows and admire you with occasional glances and try to get a rise out of you with cheap jokes…but believe me, they're out there…and they want you to have a happy Valentine's Day…even if they too petrified to make a move. Anyway, for whatever reason, some of you are alone tonight…and that may not be right…but it's all right…because Dr Mookie Love is here with a special message for all his Valentines out there that need a little…heating up on this cold winter's night.

Now, before I get started, let me just take care of a few things to make you feel a little more comfortable. Ah, it looks like the fondue's ready. I hope you don't mind…but I made two pots worth. One with a nice mix of white wine & Gruyere cheese for the Rosemary bread…and another with dark chocolate fondue to go with these strawberries. I was a little hungry…and this chilled Chilean pinot noir (and Jaeger for later) would match well. I know I promised you a picnic…but it seem to be gently snowing outside. No matter, I have a blanket…and we'll just put it here in front of the fireplace on the 34th floor so that we can see the snowflakes gliding about out the window…but stay nice and toasty. Okay, I don't have a fireplace. I just drew it up and taped it to the wall…but it's okay because we can still keep warm inside…and these candles smell like rain & lavendar anyway. What's what now? Oh, this CD's Nat King Cole & the Cole Porter Trio. I know, it sounds like they're right here with us…but it's just you…and me…and a little serendipity that brought us together tonight. How's the fondue? Great. Oh thanks, it's my first time making it. Well, it's not exactly something you make when you're dining alone…but I was really just waiting for a special occasion. Thanks for accepting my invitation. Where was I? Oh yeah, now that the mood's set…

I'd like to start off with a toast…to Love, Beauty, Friendship, Family…and everything else worth getting up in the morning for. (Clink, sip, swig, swallow) Mmm, that's pretty good. Thank you again for coming. We've known each other for a while now…and every day just seems better than the last. We have all of our inside jokes that make us laugh hysterically and make others stare at us with a quizzical look on their face. They just don't get it. Their loss. Every time the phone rings, I hope that it's you. Whether texting some random phrase from a movie with a smiling emoticon, where I imagine those lovely upturned lips of yours…or just checking to see how I'm doing. The ringtone has become almost as fantastic as the sound of your voice…which I'm always glad to hear, even when you're having a bad day and just need to vent. You can blow your hot steam on me any day…and I'll just be right there to spout some clever cliché or turn it into a joke somehow just to get a chuckle out of you…because that's what I'm here for…though I'd much rather give you a warm, reassuring hug and tell you that everything's going to be okay…because it is. You'll always have a Valentine in me. Basically, you're pretty much stuck with me. You don't seem to mind though. Even when I'm hundreds…maybe even thousands of miles away and taking pictures of pandas and signs with double entendres, I'm just a phone call away…and there's nothing that I want more than to make your day…because when I know you're thinking of me, that just made mine. Happy Valentine's Day. (Another toast…possibly followed by a hug…when some sweet mackin' on a blanket...and a little fondue foreplay…sorry, too much?)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank all of you out there for your support over the past few years…and making me feel like the luckiest guy in the world…who wasn't the drummer for the Beatles. I hope that you're all having a wonderful Valentine's Weekend with loved ones…but if you get bored or something, you know where to find me…and seeing as it's Valentine's, you know I ain't got sh*t to do. (Sigh…) Have a great day, all my lovely Valentines!!!

Happy Voorhees Day!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's Friday the 13th…and fittingly enough, tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day and/or Single Awareness Day, depending on your situation I guess. So as the superstitions go, stay away from black cats, ladders, poorly constructed mirrors, salt shakers…and make sure to have your lucky socks, rabbits feet, horseshoes, four-leaved clovers, red balloons, blue moons and whatever else handy just in case you need them…because everybody should have a fun weekend this time of year. As mentioned before, historically this week has sucked for me…but I've got high hopes this year. Why? A combination of delusion and optimism, like every other day. I also got to do a great deed today…for somebody who just returned from Iraq after 15 months…and that just made my week. A humungous THANK YOU to all our troops out there protecting us…and all the families out there praying for their safe return. We miss you guys & gals!!! Besides, though I may not have a sweetie here in Denver (by any stretch of the imagination), you'll be my Valentine, right? I know that one or two people out there will be…and that's all I need…and yes, it's probably my mom…but also your mom. Also, my cousin Ranae called me last night…and we got talking about hanging out…so I'm seeing if any coworkers want to go out for drinks or something tomorrow night in a kind of Single Awareness Day (SAD) celebration…but so far, most people already have plans. No biggie. I'm sure that I'll find a way to have fun anyway. Oh…and it's One Day Photo Project Day today…so keep an eye out for that at this link. Anyway, here's some news...

Clown Dogs - North Texas authorities seized 22 dogs found crammed inside a station wagon with their owner in the city of Pottsboro. The owner locked the car doors and refused to come out when a constable tried to serve her a warrant for the seizure of the dogs early Monday, said SPCA (Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) spokeswoman Maura Davies. Two puppies and 20 dogs were taken to a shelter until a judge decides who gets custody. A hearing on the custody of the animals is set for February 16th in Denison. The dogs were in the car along with a pot of water, blankets and waste (all in one pot?). "The car was soaked with urine and covered in feces. The ammonia level in the vehicle was 23 parts per million even after the doors had been opened for several minutes. As a frame of reference, humans start experiencing health issues at 12 parts per million." The owner does not face charges, Grayson County constable Michael Putman said. She was not coherent (crazy and cheesin' on dog fumes) and the SPCA said it has contacted Adult Protective Services about the woman. Pottsboro is about 70 miles north of Dallas. It's just ridiculous to have that many pets…unless they're earning their keep by making milk or eggs or bacon or something. Now cramming them all into a station wagon, that's just crazy.

More Craziness - More than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas and tarantulas have been removed from a two-bedroom apartment in Buffalo, New York (surprisingly, no buffalo were removed) by authorities who needed three vans to cart off the menagerie. Police officers responding to an animal mistreatment complaint at a South Buffalo apartment found the animals living in a couple's cramped apartment Monday. The animals were removed in dozens of cages and cardboard containers (chicken…after being seasoned & fried) by officers from the local chapter of the SPCA (more publicity for them). The couple living in the second-story apartment has been charged with animal cruelty. The SPCA is trying to find homes for some of the animals, while other animal rescue organizations are expected to take some. I've got a place for the chickens…and a few bottles of buffalo sauce. The rabbits…well, I can sell the furs to Boy Scouts…and maybe keep a few for myself. The rest, I say just set them free in the wilderness near Niagara Falls and let nature run its course. Oooh, what's this? Oh my, apparently I've just received a letter from the SPCA. (Mumbled reading involving the words "animal cruelty" blah blah blah "insighting further action" blah blah blah "shotty grammar" blah blah blah "sexbots and bacon" blah blah blah) Hmm, apparently they don't like my blog. Well, that's their problem…because I like animals…but apparently not as much as these crazy cats in Buffalo & Pottsboro…and I wouldn't be surprised to see a PETA or SPCA sticker on the bumper of that station wagon either. I'm just saying.

Even More Craziness - A British university has apologized to a Ph.D. student for throwing away his treasured, seven-year collection of lizard dung. Daniel Bennett has told Times Higher Education magazine that he had collected the dung in the Philippines while studying the rare butaan lizard, a relative of the Komodo dragon. The material was to be studied as part of his doctoral research. Bennett said the 77-pound bag was thrown away by cleaners at his lab at Leeds University in northern England. He says the dung represented seven years' worth of field work, and its loss "left me reeling." The university said Friday it had apologized. Bennett says he rejected the university's compensation offer of 500 pounds ($750) and will "see them in court." Well, short of spending the next seven years gathering butaan lizard crap for him, here are some other possible resolutions that may work out…or perhaps a combination of these suggestions.

1. Return a 77-pound bag of feces, preferably reptilian
2. Give him a degree - It's just a piece of paper anyway
3. Have Hugh Grant apologize on behalf of the university - It always seems to work in the movies. Hugh Grant comes in, gives some kind of snide half-ass apology in a charming British accent, boom he's bangin' Liz Hurley.
4. Knight him - All is forgiven with a prefix like Sir Daniel Bennett
5. Make him international ambassador to the Philippines - He can do research in the field, expenses paid…and again, all is forgiven with a prefix like Ambassador Daniel Bennett.
   

Though it may not help with his research, it very well may be his own fault for not properly labeling his bags of poo (in English and Spanish?) but it's a good start. As far as compensation, it's going to be hard for the university to pay him back for seven years of research on lizard dung…but I'm guessing that when it's all said and done, it'll be like a year's worth of tuition, which is still better than 500 British pounds. I mean…that's less than seven pounds per pound. Even Wal-Mart has more expensive crap than that.

Yet Even More Craziness - A hard-line Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India. The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release. The flavor is not yet known (I'll give you a hint, guys) but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer (how about dysentery?). Many Hindus consider cow urine to have medicinal properties and it is often drunk in religious festivals (I think I'd prefer "the Blood of Christ" to "the Tinkle of Beef"). The organization, which aims to transform India's secular society and establish the supremacy of a Hindu majority, said it had not decided on a name (Mellow Yellow?) or a price for the drink. "Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," according to Om Prakash, local crazy person and head of the RSS Cow Protection Department. Prakash, who is based in Hardwar, one of four holy Hindu cities on the river Ganges where the world's largest religious gathering takes place, said the product will be sold nationwide but did not rule out international success. "It is useful for the whole country and the world as well. It will be done through shops and through corporates," he said. The Hindu group has campaigned against foreign imports such as Pepsi and Coca Cola in the past, which it sees as a corrupting influence and a tool of Western imperialism. The RSS was temporarily banned after a Hindu mob tore down a mosque in 1992 which lead to bloody religious riots (a little-known actual scrimmage during the latter days of the Cola Wars). The Shiv Sena, a hard-line Hindu political party also known for attacking what it sees as threats to Indian culture such as Valentine's Day, started a similar initiative last year to appeal to its powerbase in Mumbai. To promote the food of the native Marathi culture, the Shiv Sena said it was "making a chain like McDonalds" to sell a popular local fried snack (bull testicles?). I ugh…wow. I think that I would…actually prefer Diet Mountain Dew to actual cow urine, though I assume the taste would be similar. Best of luck with your aloe vera flavored cow piss that cures cancer. I wonder if there have been any studies one that. What if that were the cure? All this time we were trying radiation and various treatments…and the whole time it was cow piss or horse gizz or something like that? We would look quite silly.

Rum Diary Update - Okay, so remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned Johnny Depp doing another Hunter S. Thompson novel adaptation called "Rum Diary"? Well, now Aaron Eckhart ("The Dark Knight" & "Thank You For Smoking") is in negotiations and Richard Jenkins (the dad on "Step Brothers") is signed on to join Johnny Depp according to the Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a washed-up, hard-drinking journalist named Paul Kemp (Depp) in 1950s Puerto Rico. Eckhart would play Sanderson, a wealthy landowner who believes everything has a price and introduces Kemp to a different standard of living. The pair are soon caught up in a love triangle with a beautiful young woman (Amber Heard from "Pineapple Express"). Jenkins is playing Lotterman, the man who oversees the rundown newspaper where Kemp works. Bruce Robinson adapted and is directing. Depp, Christi Dembrowski and Graham King are producing, Filming begins March 30th in Puerto Rico. Shaping up to be a pretty interesting film. Maybe I should read the book in the meantime…but then that'd require me reading…and I still have my "Dirty, Filthy Jokes" book to finish. If only there was something else sooner that I could look forward to…maybe something…more violent…

Ong Bak 2 Update - Okay, so…you may remember that I'm a huge fan of martial arts movies…and that the best martial artist actor alive today is a Thai fighter named Tony Jaa. Well, it's been a few years since one of his movies has come out…and if you haven't seen "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior" or "The Protector" then get thee to a rental store and check them out. However, now the Wagner/Cuban Companies' Magnolia Pictures announced today that it has acquired U.S. rights to the Thai martial arts epic Ong Bak 2. The highly anticipated sequel directed by star Tony Jaa, and allegedly delivers even more impressive martial arts wizardry that its predecessor (I can only imagine). The film was originally released in Thailand in December of 2008, and will be released theatrically by Magnet (Magnolia's genre label) later this year. "When we first saw the original 'Ong Bak,' after picking our jaws off the floor, we knew we wanted to be in the Tony Jaa business. It put us on the map as a home for the best in genre fare, and helped make our genre label Magnet possible," said Magnolia President Eamonn Bowles. "We're beyond thrilled to be able to carry the franchise forward and continue our relationship with Tony, Sahamongkol, and the entire creative team involved. We are exceptionally happy with the deal with Magnolia," said Gilbert Lim, Executive Vice President of Sahamongkol Film International. "They did a wonderful job with the release of the original 'Ong Bak,' and it feels great to be back in business again with 'Ong Bak 2.' I am certain that the movie is in great hands." Even better news, Ong Bak 3 is currently in production and is slated for a December 2009 opening in Thailand…apparently to create some kind of Star Wars like trilogy…but only better…because instead of the Force…and turning Darth Vader into a whiny baby Annie…it's Muay Thai. I'm waiting for the instructor in my yoga class to say something like "Kra-dod Chok, Kao Loi" so then I can throw out a Cobra Punch, Flying Knee Strike combo while everybody else is looking around wondering what the hell she's saying. Oh, how the tables have turned now. Anybody else a martial arts fan out there? Holla!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. After work I'm going to wander about town and see if I can get some cool pictures or something. Then again, I may have done enough with my last entry to make up for it I think. Also, I'm officially going to LA and San Diego that first week of April. The plane ticket has been bought, the hotels reserved, and soon the bags will be packed (though that'll be for Mardi Gras in New Orleans in less than a week). So Lilie, I hope that you're ready to hang out that first weekend. I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!! And hopefully California Adventure, Knott's Berry Farm, Seaworld, Orange County and whatever else I can find to do during that week. It should be fun. Have a wonderful Valentine's Weekend everybody!!!