GREAT SCOTCH!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Nice little meteor shower last night. Wasn’t exactly Laser Zeppelin but still pretty cool on a nerdy level. Today is Friday the 13th… and also my Wingman’s birthday. How is he celebrating? By going with his dad & other male family members to Alaska for some fishing. Why is this odd? Because Alaska’s a sausage fest. How else would Palin get elected there? Get a bunch of sex-starved mountain men up there and after a while it becomes “Sure, I’ll take my top off… but only if you elect me governor.” “I’ve got twenty bucks.” “That’s Lower 48 prices…” What was my point? Oh yeah… he told me this was the prettiest girl that he’s seen up there so far…

Last night, I watched “Better Off Dead” starring John Cusack (“2012”) and Curtis Armstrong (“Revenge of the Nerds”) back when they were young bucks. Now, I’m certain that I had seen this movie before… but many many years ago (I vaguely remembered the opening animation sequence). Basically, this movie is a pre-existing prequel to “Hot Tub Time Machine” which I reviewed last week… and now after watching this, makes it all the more hilarious. Lane Meyer (Cusack) is your average teenager (in the 80’s) and his girlfriend just dumped him for some douche ski instructor because… she’s fickle or something. Anyway, now he’s trying to win her back by challenging the ski instructor to a race down K-12, a legendary black diamond ski run. (Side note: I tried to figure out where this movie was set… and I think it’s a fake town here in Northern California where the streets are perfectly dry on Christmas Eve yet is 15 minutes away from the slopes… mysterious) His friend (Armstrong) helps him out… along with a cute French foreign exchange student with a knack for fixing Camaros (oh you think you know how this is going to end?) and it all leads to several montages and the final race. If you like 80’s movies, this is definitely one of the better ones, so check it out. Just don’t look for too much plot… and I love the little scenes where Lane kinda wanders off into his own imagination… because I live there most of the time & understand his struggles. Anyway, check it out. Here’s the news…

Japanese Craziness – There’s this rumor that’s been going around for a while about Japan being the chief example of a culture that values its elderly and makes sure that they are provided for & respected. Don’t feel bad. I fell for it too. Until I read this article and found out that it very well may be a scam. Japanese authorities admitted last week they'd lost track of a 113-year-old woman listed as Tokyo's oldest, days after police searched the home of the city's official oldest man — only to find his long-dead, mummified body. Officials launched a search this week for Fusa Furuya, born in July 1897 and listed as Tokyo's oldest citizen, after it emerged her whereabouts are unknown. Several other celebrated centenarians are also unaccounted for due to poor record-keeping and follow-up in a country that prides itself in its number of long-lived citizens but also frets about an unraveling of traditional family ties. Officials updating their records ahead of a holiday next month honoring the elderly found that Furuya does not live at the address where she is registered, said Hiroshi Sugimoto, an official in Tokyo's Suginami ward. Furuya's 79-year-old daughter, whose name was not disclosed, told officials she was not aware of her mother's registration at that address and said she thought her mother was with her younger brother, with whom she has lost touch. But that address just outside Tokyo turned out to be a vacant lot. Police are also interviewing the brother and another daughter, but still have not been able to locate Furuya. Nice, right? The disappearance follows last week's grisly discovery (also by officials updating the most-elderly list) that the man listed as Tokyo's oldest male, who would have been 111 years old, had actually been dead for some 30 years and his decayed body was still in his home. THIRTY YEARS!!! Reagan had just become President y’all. Police are investigating the family of Sogen Kato for alleged abandonment and swindling his pension money. Kato is believed to have died about 32 years ago, when his family said he retreated to his bedroom, wanting to be a living Buddha. Officials said they had not personally contacted Furuya or Kato for decades (obviously). Authorities are also looking for a 106-year-old man who is missing in Nagoya, central Japan, Kyodo News agency reported. The Asahi newspaper said three more centenarians were unaccounted for in Tokyo. The missing elderly people could cast doubt on the exact number of centenarians in Japan, a figure that has been rising for decades. Officially (allegedly), Japan has 40,399 people aged 100 or older, including 4,800 in Tokyo, according to an annual health ministry report last year marking the September 21st holiday for the elderly. Each centenarian receives a letter and a gift from a local government office — usually by mail. Officials in fewer than half of the country's 47 prefectures (states) routinely keep track of centenarians in person, Kyodo calculated. Health and Welfare Minister Akira Nagatsuma urged officials to find a better way to monitor the elderly (perhaps GPS, heart monitors or bells around their neck?). "Many people have doubts whether the government properly keeps track of senior citizens' whereabouts. It is important for public offices to check up on them — where and how they are — and follow through all the way." But local officials say it is hard to keep track because families are often reluctant to receive official visits. Many also send their elderly relatives to nursing homes without doing the proper paperwork. "It's shocking that even relatives don't know if their parents are alive or dead," Chiba University professor Yoshinori Hiroi, an expert on public welfare, told public broadcaster NHK. "These cases were typical examples of thinning relationship among families and neighbors in Japan today." The rapidly graying population has also fueled concerns about Japan's overburdened public pension and medical care system. Remember that whole dream of mine to study stereotypes? Not looking like such a bad idea now, is it? The important thing here is… keep in touch with your family. Heck, I’m gonna call my grandma when I get home now. It’s been a long time… and I’ll see her when I go to the family reunion in a bit… but just keep in touch. It only takes a minute or two (or hours if your family talks like mine… but you can always claim your cell doesn’t get a signal) and it’d make their day. Guaranteed.

Great Scotch!!! – Speaking of finding things a hundred years old, a crate of Scotch whisky that was trapped in Antarctic ice for a century was finally opened Friday — but the heritage dram won't be tasted by whisky lovers. Why not? Because it's being preserved for its historical significance. The crate, recovered from the Antarctic hut of renowned explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton after it was found there in 2006, has been thawed very slowly in recent weeks at the Canterbury Museum in Christchurch on New Zealand's South Island. The crate was painstakingly opened to reveal 11 bottles of Mackinlay's Scotch whisky, wrapped in paper and straw to protect them from the rigors of a rough trip to Antarctica for Shackleton's 1907 Nimrod expedition. Though the crate was frozen solid when it was retrieved earlier this year, the whisky inside could be heard sloshing around in the bottles. Antarctica's minus 22 Fahrenheit (-30 Celsius) temperature was not enough to freeze the liquor, dating from 1896 or 1897 and described as being in remarkably good condition. This Scotch is unlikely ever to be tasted, but master blenders will examine samples of it to see if they can replicate the brew (“Damn the secret ingredient is Dodo urine”). The original recipe for the Scotch no longer exists. Once samples have been extracted and sent to Scottish distiller Whyte and Mackay, which took over Mackinlay's distillery many years ago, the 11 bottles will be returned to their home — under the floorboards of Shackleton's hut at Cape Royds on Ross Island, near Antarctica's McMurdo Sound. (Why?) Whisky lover Michael Milne, a Scot who runs the Whisky Galore liquor outlet in Christchurch, described the rare event as a great experience. "I just looked at this (crate) and honestly, my heartbeat went up about three paces. It was amazing. The box was like a pioneer's box with the wood and nails coming out," he said. Although Milne said he'd give anything to have a taste of the whisky. "It is not going to happen and I am not going to get excited about it, but if there was ever an opportunity, it could be a wonderful one to have." Nigel Watson, executive director of the Antarctic Heritage Trust, which is restoring the explorer's hut, said opening the crate was a delicate process. The crate will remain in cold storage and each of the 11 bottles will be carefully assessed and conserved over the next few weeks. Some samples will be extracted, possibly using a syringe through the bottles' cork stoppers. Nice little story, right? And it gave me an excuse for a title with a “Back to the Future” reference.

Chinese Dominos - More than 10,000 people in northern China (or about 0.002% of a town’s population) have set a world record for the longest chain of human dominoes. Arranged in lines, they slowly collapsed backward onto each other in sequence from a sitting position like a line of toppling dominoes. The 10,267 people who took part wore color-coordinated clothes that spelled out in English and Chinese the name of the city of Ordos in Inner Mongolia where the record attempt was made Thursday. The monitor for Guinness World Records, Wu Xiaohong, declared the new record. It obliterated the record set a decade ago in Singapore by more than 1,000 people. Oh I think we can top it though. We just need to get a place like… San Francisco to unite, meet in the Presidio or something, and claim that record for the U.S. of A. Until then though, I just wanted to show a crazy picture. Congratulations Ordos!!!

Terminator Update – Want more Terminator? Have the four movies and television series not satisfied your hunger for time traveling cyborgs? Well, the "Terminator" franchise is coming back sooner than anticipated, but in an unexpected format. Hannover House and Red Bear Entertainment are teaming to develop "Terminator 3000", a $70 million 3D animated feature based on the characters and storyline of the franchise according to a press release (though $70 million sounds like a LOT for a CG movie). One more little change, the project will tone down the violence as it plans to target a PG-13 rating (like “Jonah Hex”? Good idea). Story details however are being kept top secret (i.e. They have no idea what they’re doing yet). Pacificor, LLC scored the rights to the franchise in January and holds licensing authority over the proposed project. Both companies will release further details later this year in the leadup to the production kicking off in January. Intrigued? Even a little bit? Yeah, it could be awesome. Maybe James Cameron will get back involved. Who knows? Just thought I’d share with you so that you won’t be caught by surprise.

Oblivion - Disney Pictures has picked up the rights to the film adaptation of graphic novel "Oblivion" from Radical Publishing reports Heat Vision. Set in an apocalyptic future where most people live high in the sky due to Earth's surface being uninhabitable (like the Jetsons?), a soldier stuck on the ground goes about his job repairing hunter drones which seek out and destroy members of a savage alien race (Predators? Aliens? Gremlins? Alfs?). He soon comes upon a beautiful woman (hopefully with her consent) whose craft has crashed nearby and together they set out on an epic adventure. The move, said to be one of the more expensive deals of the year, re-teams Disney with "Tron Legacy" director Joseph Kosinski who created the comic and will both direct and produce alongside Barry Levine. Kosinski is also said to be working on the remake of "The Black Hole" and turned in a recent script draft which the studio is apparently happy with (will make money). Sounds like an okay movie, right? Oh… and I know what you’re thinking too. When ARE they going to make an “Alf” movie? A children’s tale of a loveable, huggable wiseass alien from Melmac who crash lands in suburbia, befriends a family & loves to eat p**sy. Mmm… that’s my kind of children’s story.

Anyway, that note will definitely do it for today. Tomorrow’s the Blues Beer & Funk Festival at Squaw Valley… and I’m thinking that I might make a run to Reno to watch a movie… maybe two. The Expendables came out today… but there’s also Inception, Salt, Predators and others that I wanted to check out too. We shall see. Theatres are expensive nowadays. Especially when it’ll probably just be me… unless I meet somebody in the festival… but when has that ever REALLY happened? Anyway, wish me luck… and have a great weekend everybody!!!

No Man Is An Island

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Friday the 13th!!! Not bad having two of these in consecutive months…but that's what February does most of the time. Last night, I ended up only working a 12-hour shift so it wasn't that bad (used to do those all the time at the last job) so afterwards, I went home and watched a movie that I had never seen before but heard good things about "The Seven Year Itch" starring Marilyn Monroe…and some guy (Thomas Ewell). It was actually a quite hilarious film…especially by 50's film standards. The story is about a Manhattan man whose wife & child go to Maine for the summer, leaving him home to work and provide for his family. Meanwhile, a curvaceous new neighbor (Marilyn, of course) moves in upstairs and his overactive imagination takes over…and it's actually quite reassuring to a crazy guy like myself…that there may actually be other people like that out there. At the beginning of the movie, he's just talking to himself in his apartment…and I do that ALL the time (schizophrenia maybe?) but then he goes into these elaborate and imaginative little skits that are basically just like something out of my blog. The title is about a theory that after being with somebody for seven years, men tend to start questioning themselves about whether they chose the right mate, could I still play the field, blah blah blah…and so their mind (and possibly other parts) starts to wander. I have no idea what that's about…because I've only lasted three months before…but there may be something to it. Of course, that's all fine & dandy…but don't forget, if my neighbor were Marilyn Monroe, I'd have wandering eyes too…and God knows my imagination would simply run rampant. It already is…and she's been dead for almost fifty years now. I would highly recommend this flick to anybody who enjoys good clean comedy with a healthy dose of eye candy. It's on par with "Some Like It Hot" in my opinion, as one of the great classic comedies.

Speaking of some liking it hot, the hot water has been off at my apartments the past two mornings…so yesterday, I awoke to a frighteningly brisk shower to start off my long day at work…and then this morning, I ended up just going the gym to take my shower…because they still had hot water. It will allegedly be taken care of by tonight…so it's a LOT faster than when I had a similar problem at the old apartment. I believe that one took a few weeks…but luckily it was during the summer, so the cold water wasn't that bad. It's dropped back down into the thirties for highs here in Denver though, so yeah, hot water is appreciated this time of year. Also found out that they have a St. Patrick's Day Parade tomorrow that goes two blocks from my house by Coors Field, so I'll have to check that out. I wonder if they'll throw beads…or preferably beers…but that may not be kid-friendly. I may have to wait until Tuesday to get my drink on…and I shall get my drink on…because luckily I live within staggering distance of a plethora of drinking establishments. Anyway, you already knew that. Here's some news...

No Man Is An Island - A man accused of driving drunk said Pennsylvania courts have no jurisdiction over him because he's his own country. After seeing the paperwork that 44-year-old Scott Allan Witmer filed with the court claiming sovereignty, a Northampton County judge said Tuesday he cannot be released from jail until he gets a mental exam. Witmer, who represented himself, said he believes police lack jurisdiction to pull him over. As he said in court: "I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania." He said there is no victim in the crime and asked to go to trial. Defense attorney James Connell, Witmer's standby counsel, said a challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed as a pretrial motion. It's ballsy. I like it. However, I'm pretty sure that it's not going to hold up in court. No man is an island…or even a sovereign nation. Sure, we may have our own Republic within our minds…but to say that you are a isolated nation of one is kind of a stretch. Then again, each individual is responsible for their own financial situation based upon trade with other nations, has a varying sense of justice, different regulations for what they watch on TV, ability to boycott other nations, occasionally conflict can result but we can also have a peaceful meeting of goodwill, so maybe there is something to that…but yeah, Mr. Witmer's still screwed…and with good reason, you should never drink & drive. Thus being a law of the land of $tevonia. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Finding Mick's Killer - A Los Angeles councilman has announced a $50,000 reward for help solving the 30-year-old slaying of a gym manager believed to be the inspiration of a "Rocky" movie character. Councilman Dennis Zine made the announcement Wednesday for information leading to arrests in the March 1977 slaying of Howard Steindler. Steindler was beaten and forced into his own gold Cadillac a block from his home. He was found robbed and smothered in the car. Steindler ran the Main Street Gym, where boxing stars such as Muhammad Ali and Jack Dempsey trained. He is widely believed to have inspired the character Mickey Goldmill, the boxing manager played by Burgess Meredith in the films. Interesting that such a reward would be offered now…especially since they've done so well finding out information on the alleged killers of Biggie & Tupac (remember my theory?) but I had no idea that Mick was actually inspired by somebody. I thought he was more of a composite character - like a mix of a typical boxing trainer, the Penguin & Jesus. I'm also thinking of a new reboot for the Rocky movie series…starting over from Rocky III. Now, here me out, Mr. T can still be Clobber Lang…and still beat Rocky the first time…but instead of Mick having a heart attack, he's smothered in his own Cadillac (always wondered what he drove) and this sends Rocky into a jungles of Colombia (somehow) after his killers…because Mick was getting too close to the drug trade in Philadelphia…and a mysterious drug lord known only as El Gatto had to make an example of him. Then Rocky recruits an elite team of underworld mercenaries to go in with him…and he's told of this group of such men called the A-Team…and who's a member of that team? Clobber Lang. We can call it "Rocky III: Expendables" and we can get Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, and even a fellow $teve who works out, Stone Cold Steve Austin now. We can even have Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) in there as a tie in to "Rocky IV", my God this thing almost writes itself. What? They're already kind of doing that? The only difference is the finding Mick's killer angle? Dang it. You're good, Mr. Stallone. I can see why they call you Sly.

Venice Update - Venice, Italy is one of the most beautiful cities in all of the world. It may also be washed away in a matter of weeks because of global warming and the rising tides…but in the meantime, it's dark secrets are being found out. VAMPIRES once ran rampantly through the narrow streets and canals. Matteo Borrini, an anthropologist from the University of Florence (Italy, not Kentucky or South Carolina), said the discovery on the small island of Lazzaretto Nuovo in the Venice lagoon supported the medieval belief that vampires were behind the spread of plagues like the Black Death. According to Borrini, "This is the first time that archaeology has succeeded in reconstructing the ritual of exorcism of a vampire. This helps ... authenticate how the myth of vampires was born." The skeleton was unearthed in a mass grave from the Venetian plague of 1576 (in which the artist Titian died) on Lazzaretto Nuovo, which lies around three km (2 miles) northeast of Venice and was used as a sanatorium for plague sufferers. The succession of plagues which ravaged Europe between 1300 and 1700 fostered the belief in vampires, mainly because the decomposition of corpses was not well understood. Gravediggers reopening mass graves would sometimes come across bodies bloated by gas, with hair still growing, and blood seeping from their mouths and believe them to be still alive. The shrouds used to cover the faces of the dead were often decayed by bacteria in the mouth, revealing the corpse's teeth, and vampires became known as "shroud-eaters." According to medieval medical and religious texts, the "undead" were believed to spread pestilence in order to suck the remaining life from corpses until they acquired the strength to return to the streets again. "To kill the vampire you had to remove the shroud from its mouth, which was its food like the milk of a child, and put something uneatable in there. It's possible that other corpses have been found with bricks in their mouths, but this is the first time the ritual has been recognized." While legends about blood-drinking ghouls date back thousands of years, the modern figure of the vampire was encapsulated in the Irish author Bram Stoker's 1897 novel "Dracula," based on 18th century eastern European folktales. Okay, so this really has nothing to do with finding out about vampires…more that they can now see how some people might have thought that there was something similar to a vampire back when there was no such thing as public education…but still, Vampires in Venice!!! I'll bet there's a movie out there with a name like that…and when I googled it, there it was...but I have a better one in mind. I can see it now, "Violent & Voluptuous Vampires of Venice" starring a host of Fritalian hotties…in Technicolor…and maybe even 3-D. That's a guaranteed smash hit…even without the Monica Bellucci love scene. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? It's because there's going to be so many similar scenes with other Fritalians. I'll have my own day in Italy…like Fellini…only a plot that everybody can enjoy and get. Bellisima!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. Not a whole lot going on…except for the St Patty's Day Parade tomorrow morning…and hopefully the return of hot water to my shower. Stay out of trouble on this unlucky Friday the 13th…and have a great day everybody!!!

Happy Voorhees Day!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's Friday the 13th…and fittingly enough, tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day and/or Single Awareness Day, depending on your situation I guess. So as the superstitions go, stay away from black cats, ladders, poorly constructed mirrors, salt shakers…and make sure to have your lucky socks, rabbits feet, horseshoes, four-leaved clovers, red balloons, blue moons and whatever else handy just in case you need them…because everybody should have a fun weekend this time of year. As mentioned before, historically this week has sucked for me…but I've got high hopes this year. Why? A combination of delusion and optimism, like every other day. I also got to do a great deed today…for somebody who just returned from Iraq after 15 months…and that just made my week. A humungous THANK YOU to all our troops out there protecting us…and all the families out there praying for their safe return. We miss you guys & gals!!! Besides, though I may not have a sweetie here in Denver (by any stretch of the imagination), you'll be my Valentine, right? I know that one or two people out there will be…and that's all I need…and yes, it's probably my mom…but also your mom. Also, my cousin Ranae called me last night…and we got talking about hanging out…so I'm seeing if any coworkers want to go out for drinks or something tomorrow night in a kind of Single Awareness Day (SAD) celebration…but so far, most people already have plans. No biggie. I'm sure that I'll find a way to have fun anyway. Oh…and it's One Day Photo Project Day today…so keep an eye out for that at this link. Anyway, here's some news...

Clown Dogs - North Texas authorities seized 22 dogs found crammed inside a station wagon with their owner in the city of Pottsboro. The owner locked the car doors and refused to come out when a constable tried to serve her a warrant for the seizure of the dogs early Monday, said SPCA (Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) spokeswoman Maura Davies. Two puppies and 20 dogs were taken to a shelter until a judge decides who gets custody. A hearing on the custody of the animals is set for February 16th in Denison. The dogs were in the car along with a pot of water, blankets and waste (all in one pot?). "The car was soaked with urine and covered in feces. The ammonia level in the vehicle was 23 parts per million even after the doors had been opened for several minutes. As a frame of reference, humans start experiencing health issues at 12 parts per million." The owner does not face charges, Grayson County constable Michael Putman said. She was not coherent (crazy and cheesin' on dog fumes) and the SPCA said it has contacted Adult Protective Services about the woman. Pottsboro is about 70 miles north of Dallas. It's just ridiculous to have that many pets…unless they're earning their keep by making milk or eggs or bacon or something. Now cramming them all into a station wagon, that's just crazy.

More Craziness - More than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas and tarantulas have been removed from a two-bedroom apartment in Buffalo, New York (surprisingly, no buffalo were removed) by authorities who needed three vans to cart off the menagerie. Police officers responding to an animal mistreatment complaint at a South Buffalo apartment found the animals living in a couple's cramped apartment Monday. The animals were removed in dozens of cages and cardboard containers (chicken…after being seasoned & fried) by officers from the local chapter of the SPCA (more publicity for them). The couple living in the second-story apartment has been charged with animal cruelty. The SPCA is trying to find homes for some of the animals, while other animal rescue organizations are expected to take some. I've got a place for the chickens…and a few bottles of buffalo sauce. The rabbits…well, I can sell the furs to Boy Scouts…and maybe keep a few for myself. The rest, I say just set them free in the wilderness near Niagara Falls and let nature run its course. Oooh, what's this? Oh my, apparently I've just received a letter from the SPCA. (Mumbled reading involving the words "animal cruelty" blah blah blah "insighting further action" blah blah blah "shotty grammar" blah blah blah "sexbots and bacon" blah blah blah) Hmm, apparently they don't like my blog. Well, that's their problem…because I like animals…but apparently not as much as these crazy cats in Buffalo & Pottsboro…and I wouldn't be surprised to see a PETA or SPCA sticker on the bumper of that station wagon either. I'm just saying.

Even More Craziness - A British university has apologized to a Ph.D. student for throwing away his treasured, seven-year collection of lizard dung. Daniel Bennett has told Times Higher Education magazine that he had collected the dung in the Philippines while studying the rare butaan lizard, a relative of the Komodo dragon. The material was to be studied as part of his doctoral research. Bennett said the 77-pound bag was thrown away by cleaners at his lab at Leeds University in northern England. He says the dung represented seven years' worth of field work, and its loss "left me reeling." The university said Friday it had apologized. Bennett says he rejected the university's compensation offer of 500 pounds ($750) and will "see them in court." Well, short of spending the next seven years gathering butaan lizard crap for him, here are some other possible resolutions that may work out…or perhaps a combination of these suggestions.

1. Return a 77-pound bag of feces, preferably reptilian
2. Give him a degree - It's just a piece of paper anyway
3. Have Hugh Grant apologize on behalf of the university - It always seems to work in the movies. Hugh Grant comes in, gives some kind of snide half-ass apology in a charming British accent, boom he's bangin' Liz Hurley.
4. Knight him - All is forgiven with a prefix like Sir Daniel Bennett
5. Make him international ambassador to the Philippines - He can do research in the field, expenses paid…and again, all is forgiven with a prefix like Ambassador Daniel Bennett.
   

Though it may not help with his research, it very well may be his own fault for not properly labeling his bags of poo (in English and Spanish?) but it's a good start. As far as compensation, it's going to be hard for the university to pay him back for seven years of research on lizard dung…but I'm guessing that when it's all said and done, it'll be like a year's worth of tuition, which is still better than 500 British pounds. I mean…that's less than seven pounds per pound. Even Wal-Mart has more expensive crap than that.

Yet Even More Craziness - A hard-line Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India. The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release. The flavor is not yet known (I'll give you a hint, guys) but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer (how about dysentery?). Many Hindus consider cow urine to have medicinal properties and it is often drunk in religious festivals (I think I'd prefer "the Blood of Christ" to "the Tinkle of Beef"). The organization, which aims to transform India's secular society and establish the supremacy of a Hindu majority, said it had not decided on a name (Mellow Yellow?) or a price for the drink. "Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," according to Om Prakash, local crazy person and head of the RSS Cow Protection Department. Prakash, who is based in Hardwar, one of four holy Hindu cities on the river Ganges where the world's largest religious gathering takes place, said the product will be sold nationwide but did not rule out international success. "It is useful for the whole country and the world as well. It will be done through shops and through corporates," he said. The Hindu group has campaigned against foreign imports such as Pepsi and Coca Cola in the past, which it sees as a corrupting influence and a tool of Western imperialism. The RSS was temporarily banned after a Hindu mob tore down a mosque in 1992 which lead to bloody religious riots (a little-known actual scrimmage during the latter days of the Cola Wars). The Shiv Sena, a hard-line Hindu political party also known for attacking what it sees as threats to Indian culture such as Valentine's Day, started a similar initiative last year to appeal to its powerbase in Mumbai. To promote the food of the native Marathi culture, the Shiv Sena said it was "making a chain like McDonalds" to sell a popular local fried snack (bull testicles?). I ugh…wow. I think that I would…actually prefer Diet Mountain Dew to actual cow urine, though I assume the taste would be similar. Best of luck with your aloe vera flavored cow piss that cures cancer. I wonder if there have been any studies one that. What if that were the cure? All this time we were trying radiation and various treatments…and the whole time it was cow piss or horse gizz or something like that? We would look quite silly.

Rum Diary Update - Okay, so remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned Johnny Depp doing another Hunter S. Thompson novel adaptation called "Rum Diary"? Well, now Aaron Eckhart ("The Dark Knight" & "Thank You For Smoking") is in negotiations and Richard Jenkins (the dad on "Step Brothers") is signed on to join Johnny Depp according to the Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a washed-up, hard-drinking journalist named Paul Kemp (Depp) in 1950s Puerto Rico. Eckhart would play Sanderson, a wealthy landowner who believes everything has a price and introduces Kemp to a different standard of living. The pair are soon caught up in a love triangle with a beautiful young woman (Amber Heard from "Pineapple Express"). Jenkins is playing Lotterman, the man who oversees the rundown newspaper where Kemp works. Bruce Robinson adapted and is directing. Depp, Christi Dembrowski and Graham King are producing, Filming begins March 30th in Puerto Rico. Shaping up to be a pretty interesting film. Maybe I should read the book in the meantime…but then that'd require me reading…and I still have my "Dirty, Filthy Jokes" book to finish. If only there was something else sooner that I could look forward to…maybe something…more violent…

Ong Bak 2 Update - Okay, so…you may remember that I'm a huge fan of martial arts movies…and that the best martial artist actor alive today is a Thai fighter named Tony Jaa. Well, it's been a few years since one of his movies has come out…and if you haven't seen "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior" or "The Protector" then get thee to a rental store and check them out. However, now the Wagner/Cuban Companies' Magnolia Pictures announced today that it has acquired U.S. rights to the Thai martial arts epic Ong Bak 2. The highly anticipated sequel directed by star Tony Jaa, and allegedly delivers even more impressive martial arts wizardry that its predecessor (I can only imagine). The film was originally released in Thailand in December of 2008, and will be released theatrically by Magnet (Magnolia's genre label) later this year. "When we first saw the original 'Ong Bak,' after picking our jaws off the floor, we knew we wanted to be in the Tony Jaa business. It put us on the map as a home for the best in genre fare, and helped make our genre label Magnet possible," said Magnolia President Eamonn Bowles. "We're beyond thrilled to be able to carry the franchise forward and continue our relationship with Tony, Sahamongkol, and the entire creative team involved. We are exceptionally happy with the deal with Magnolia," said Gilbert Lim, Executive Vice President of Sahamongkol Film International. "They did a wonderful job with the release of the original 'Ong Bak,' and it feels great to be back in business again with 'Ong Bak 2.' I am certain that the movie is in great hands." Even better news, Ong Bak 3 is currently in production and is slated for a December 2009 opening in Thailand…apparently to create some kind of Star Wars like trilogy…but only better…because instead of the Force…and turning Darth Vader into a whiny baby Annie…it's Muay Thai. I'm waiting for the instructor in my yoga class to say something like "Kra-dod Chok, Kao Loi" so then I can throw out a Cobra Punch, Flying Knee Strike combo while everybody else is looking around wondering what the hell she's saying. Oh, how the tables have turned now. Anybody else a martial arts fan out there? Holla!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. After work I'm going to wander about town and see if I can get some cool pictures or something. Then again, I may have done enough with my last entry to make up for it I think. Also, I'm officially going to LA and San Diego that first week of April. The plane ticket has been bought, the hotels reserved, and soon the bags will be packed (though that'll be for Mardi Gras in New Orleans in less than a week). So Lilie, I hope that you're ready to hang out that first weekend. I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!! And hopefully California Adventure, Knott's Berry Farm, Seaworld, Orange County and whatever else I can find to do during that week. It should be fun. Have a wonderful Valentine's Weekend everybody!!!