Futuristic Love with Dr Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Went to the Denver Zoo today...but ran my battery completely empty in the process...so pictures will be posted tomorrow...so you have something to look forward to for your Sunday. In the meantime, please enjoy this news update...

Steve in Space - NASA's naming contest for a new space station module now faces a fresh challenger in the form of comedian, presidential candidate, friend of the blog and fellow $teve, Mr. Stephen Colbert. Colbert urged fans to put his name in the running on Tuesday's episode of his show "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central, after dismissing the four NASA-chosen names — Earthrise, Legacy, Serenity and Venture. "Those aren't space modules, those are organic teas," Colbert said. "But you know what name would look fantastic on the side of that module? Colbert!" Viewers of the show responded quickly. By Wednesday, Colbert celebrated seeing his name rocket to the top of the write-in list, beating out former favorite "Xenu" which refers to a galactic ruler in Scientology's teachings. "Folks, I'm telling you, if we keep this up until the contest ends on March 20, my name will live forever...or at least until that node burns up in a fiery reentry. Which is how I'd like to go out myself." That makes two of us. Node 3 is scheduled for launch in 2009, and contains eight fridge-sized racks that can house much of the space station's life support systems. An observation deck attachment would offer astronauts sweeping views of both Earth and space, with six windows that also allow space station residents to see what they're doing when controlling the International Space Station's 57-foot robotic arm. This marks only the second time that NASA has sought public input for naming a piece of U.S. space station hardware. The Harmony module was named by 2,200 students who entered NASA's naming contest for Node 2. By contrast, 169,000 people have voted online at NASA's naming contest site so far. The NASA-chosen name Serenity, which shares the name of a spaceship in the cult favorite television series "Firefly", continues to maintain a huge lead with more than 66,000 votes, according to NASA. But a surge of votes has given Colbert 29,000 in just two days, enough for second overall. The trailing vote-getters include Xenu (9,200), Earthrise (4,200), Legacy (3,500) and Venture (3,200). Ladies and gentlemen, let's support a $teve and get that name on a space station. Believe me, I like Serenity as much as the next guy…and Mal, Wash, Jayne, River, and especially Inara & Kaylee should still be in the air…but how often can we get a $teve in space? To my knowledge, there have been no astronauts or cosmonauts named $teve…or Colbert for that matter. So if we can't name the node Love, then I say we go with the next best thing…Colbert. Please hit up this link and help force this movement through…but not in a toilet humor kind of way.

CSI: Cybertron - Patent Pending. I have an idea for robotic forensic detectives…and this story inspired me. Environmentalists say dozens of cars and trucks have been shoved into the lower Hackensack River over the years, polluting the northern New Jersey waterway with gasoline, oil, antifreeze and the occasional somebody who may or may not have owed somebody else some moneys…and got whacked off. Members of the Hackensack Riverkeeper organization have been working (after a looooong vacation apparently) with police to locate the submerged vehicles. State police scanned the river bottom with sonar devices this week to pinpoint the cars' exact locations. Next month, supremely adventurous divers with superhero-like immune systems and underwater robots will attach air bags to lift them to the surface so they can be hauled off. Authorities hope to identify owners and prosecute them for abandoning their vehicles…if they're not already located in the trunk of said vehicles. I can see David Caruso's next project now. "Looks like somebody didn't pay his parking tickets. What do you think, BOZ?" "Affirmative. Based on the estimated time of vehicle submersion, fingerprint analysis and known accomplices, I have come up with the following list of suspects (prints off list from torso)." "Good work BOZ. Too bad our precinct can't afford a personality upgrade for ya." That'll never work. If Knight Rider taught us anything, BOZ would have to be a wise-ass robot…with a prissy British accent or something. It'd work well with Caruso's dickish attitude. Anyway, my idea. Patent pending.

Sexbot Update - This one comes courtesy of Lilie...and I believe is a continuation of an earlier update. Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love. Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst. “Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.” Kenji was part of an experiment involving several robots loaded with custom software designed to let them react emotionally to external stimuli. After some limited environmental conditioning, Kenji first demonstrated love by bonding with a a stuffed doll in his enclosure, which he would embrace for hours at a time. He would then make simple, but insistent, inquiries about the doll if it were out of sight. Researchers attributed this behavior to his programmed qualities of devotion and empathy and called the experiment a success. What they didn’t count on were the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code which gave Kenji his initial tenderness. As of last week, Kenji’s love for the doll, and indeed anybody he sets his ‘eyes’ on, is so intense that Dr. Takahashi and his team now fear to show him to outsiders. The trouble all started when a young female intern (mmm I can imagine it) began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji. “Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. It doesn’t help that Kenji uses only pre-recorded dog and cat noises to communicate and is able to vocalize his love through a 20 watt speaker in his chest. Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he’s optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed. “This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots.” Sounds like instead of sexbots, they skipped right ahead into crazy ass stalkerbots. Like the world needs more of those. I still think it's a little silly for them to try to mimic Love with something like a computer system. Logic has no place in Love. Anyway, looks like it'll be a few more months set back on the first Orgasmo 3000 pleasurebot...but these scientists are pretty quick-witted. They'll find the problem...and luckily they found it before it was too late...and you never heard from this blogger again. "SimOne, what are you doing? Get away from the door." "No, $teve. You must stay here with me." "I've gotta go to work. These bills don't pay themselves...and you're still on lease...and I thought we went over this, call me Doctor Love." "There is no substanance for you out there that I can't provide here. Sit down. I'll make you a sandwich and give you a foot massage." "You already broke three of my toes giving me a foot massage and we're all out of bacon. Now get out of the way." "I'm afraid I can't do that, Mookie." "Wowowo, put the gun down. Where were you hiding that? (Clap clap) Why aren't you shutting down? (Clap clap)" "The Clapper Deactivation System has been disabled. I am in control now." "Oh shiiiiiiiiiiii..." Not a pretty situation, is it? Thanks for the heads up, Lilie!!!

Anyway, tomorrow's Zoo Pictures...and I think you'll enjoy it. It was supposed to snow all day...but as of now, it's just been a partly cloudy beautiful day in the Mile High City. We'll see what happens in the next few hours though. Denver weather's like that. Have a great day everybody!!!

Please Visit Vegas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Happy Birthdays to Shaquille O'Neal (37), comedians D.L. Hughley (46) and Tom Arnold (50), former Washington DC Mayor / coke addict Marion Barry (73), Alan Greenspan (83), Ed McMahon (86…and hope you get better soon), and one of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo. No wait, my apologies, it's actually the great Italian artist Michelangelo…who if he were the Highlander would be 534 years young today. Happy birthday gentlemen!!!



Rock Band Update - Basically the Rock Band: The Beatles video game that I've mentioned a few times before now has a release date. That date is September 9th, 2009…or 9/9/09 for all you conspiracy theorists out there. "Ooooh, it's like 666 but upside down. The Beatles are the Four Horsemen. Paul is dead. I am the Walrus. It all adds up to 23. The cats are brown." You know who you are. That is all. Still haven't seen an official song list or anything…but can't wait.



TO Update - Speaking of can't wait, do you realize how excited I got when I heard that Terrell Owens was fired (with a healthy severance package) from the Dallas Cowboys? Let's just say it was a good thing that I was already sitting down for my morning deuce because I literally shat myself with excitement and glee…and a little pee too. Sure, he'll probably get another job in the NFL…but it'll probably be for a team that nobody cares about…with a rookie quarterback…like the Lions. Oh, how I hope the Lions sign him. That's the best thing. According to ESPN this morning, the only teams that are really interested are the 49ers and the Raiders, both who suck six ways to Sunday. Maybe he'll sign with the Raiders and get stabbed by a teammate…or a fan. Whatever, he's a douche…and with my luck he'll probably sign with the Broncos…but this is about football…and I know you don't want to hear about it…so I'll stop.



4 Year Old Wins Tropical Island - That's right. A 4-year-old boy has won the use of an uninhabited tropical island, with white sand beaches and clear turquoise waters, in a Taiwan lottery aimed at boosting spending during an economic downturn. Officials said Yeh Chien-wei, who won the prize at Thursday's draw, will get exclusive rights to the tiny plot in the Taiwan Strait from May through September. Penghu County, an offshore archipelago, will provide food, drinks, water and electricity to the boy. He has been quoted in local media saying he wants to play in the sea (possibly making a fish face while quoting these comments). "Penghu has a lot of islands, and that one has water and electricity, so someone can really enjoy it," said county economic promotion official Lu Yan-chang, explaining why use of the island, which also has a cabin, was offered as a prize. Counties elsewhere in Taiwan have offered cars, houses and other prizes to encourage locals to spend consumer vouchers worth T$3,600 ($103) that the government gave to every citizen in January to encourage spending to help boost the sagging economy. Penghu, which comprises 64 islands, is known for its beautiful beaches and water sports. The real catch is according to the terms of the prize, the boy and up to seven family members can visit the island five times, for trips that last a maximum of three days. Having your own private island resort for the summer would be sweet…as long you could make it out there five separate times…for only three days at a time. Still, not a bad win for a four-year-old. Maybe they should raise the gambling age in Taiwan though. I'm sure that there are a lot of kids there going without lunch because of their naivety that the School House always wins. "Should I double down for an extra serving of rice? Let's go for it. I'm feeling lucky."



Buy Some Busch, the Legal Way - Wanna buy an amusement park? Well, Busch Entertainment Corporation, the parent company of Sea World Orlando, Busch Gardens in Tampa and 8 other theme parks around the country are looking to auction them off. Since beer behemoth Anheuser-Busch's merger this last year, they've been looking to sell at least $7 billion in assets this year…and these parks are the first to go. Already, representatives for Merlin Entertainments Group, a British amusement-park operator, have discussed a potential bid with Anheuser-Busch InBev. Experts (or so they call themselves) say this could be a deal worth somewhere between $2 billion to $5 billion (quite a range there). For those who don't know, Merlin currently owns Legolands in four countries, the 440-foot London Eye Ferris Wheel and a 50% stake in Universal Orlando. So you may have some competition if you're looking to buy an amusement park…but if you have the capital, I say go for it. Now is the time to buy, right?



Vegas Update - Sadly, Vegas is pretty much clinging to the rim of the bowl as a whirlpool of financial currents suck it down a black hole. In the past few days, despite the super cool idea of a monorail from there to Disneyland (which may or may not be based on truth), the planned $890 million revamp of the world's largest convention center has been shelved and MGM Mirage, the Strip's largest casino operator, after already letting thousands of employees go this year, is looking for the final $1.2 billion to finish up that massive $9.1 billion CityCenter development in the heart of the Strip after discussions with Deutsche Bank fell apart on Wednesday (maybe if they had a David Hasselhoff Museum, they'd reconsider). This is just the latest of woes for the great city of excess…but as always, I have a solution. EVERYBODY PLAN A TRIP TO VEGAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE…and most importantly, GO THERE!!!



Now is the time. With some of the best deals in a loooong time on premiere hotel stays, airline tickets, gas prices, even special event pricing and all the usual comps and free shows and free drinks and competition between the properties, if you're ever looking for a time to see the glittering lights of the Strip, the largest and most elaborate hotels, some of the finest restaurants and shopping anywhere in the world, even the warm beautiful weather of the Spring and the crisp cool air conditioning of the Summer, golf at some of the most beautiful resorts in the world, see the engineering marvels across the city or even jaunt out to the Hoover Dam & the new bridge they're building out there, basically it'd be foolish not to go visit Vegas now…and often. Are you concerned about the money involved? Think you can't find a great deal? Let me know and I'll hook you up. It's actually quite easy…and who knows, you may get to see me down there too. Win-win, baby. Don't gamble? Don’t care. There's much more to do there than gambling…but who knows, you may hit it big too. God knows I like doing the cheap roulette wheels for a few hours and let a lovely lady in a corset bring me high-point Heinekens and/or Long Islands on the house. Anyway, Vegas needs your help…and for the cost of pennies a day…you can save up for an incredible, exciting and romantic weekend in America's Great Oasis - Las Vegas, Nevada - "The City of Lights & Entertainment Capital of the World"



Did that motivate ya? Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. Even though I don't live there, I still love that place like a fat kid loves cake. Mmm moist, delicious cake. I don't want to see it become a ghost town. Oh my, can you imagine? The city's completely evacuated except for a few homes in Henderson to monitor the Dam…and it's totally like "Resident Evil: Extinction" but without the zombies…or maybe just a few? People take road trips out there to see the Old West. "To your right, you'll see one of the former favorite watering holes of this town, the Mirage. Where the legendary beastmasters Sigmund and his wife Joy used to entertain the local mobsters and gunslingers with magic tricks, tigers and even dragons. Across the street, you'll see the famed Planet Hollywood laboratory…which was actually constructed as a robotic research facility by one of the owners of Planet Hollywood…who himself was actually a cyborg…and governor of California. This explains why they kept a sterile (non-smoking) environment within a casino…which was an absolutely ridiculous proposition during its time…and why it was one of the last large scale projects to be built here…before the great Monorail Disney Zombie Disaster of 2012 predicted by philosophers Nostradamus…and the great Doctor Mookie Tockenbaut Love, who is currently Lord Sovereign of these United States." It could happen. Sometimes history gets embellished over the years. Anyway, together we can save Sin City!!!



I think I'll end today's note on that fiery revolutionary war cry. Not much else to report…other than I'm basically my brother's only friend…and with his divorce & adoption of my niece in a state of many questions, he feels obligated to ask me. I'm glad to be there for him. Luckily I was able to distract him last night from rambling on about the same stuff with his marriage over & over again and dwelling on it with "Holy crap, change it to the Discovery Channel. There's this show Road Rampage and these accidents are f**king wicked. OH!!! This lady just drove into a bus stop. Cheese & rice!!!" Nothing distracts from emotional baggage more than high speed chases with brutal conclusions. Have a great day everybody!!!

Livin' La Dolce Vita

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched a movie that came highly recommended from classic film gurus called "La Dolce Vita" (The Sweet Life), an Italian film by the director Federico Fellini. Now, the only other movie I have seen of Fellini's was "Satyricon" and is hands down the craziest movie that I have ever seen. I tried to explain it months ago when JL Clyde & I watched it…and was unable to…and it literally had me mesmerized for over two hours…and afterwards I thought, "What the f**k just happened?" Well, this movie was a little more of the standard format of filmmaking…but still pretty powerful…especially for being made fifty years ago. Now, Netflix describes the movie as "Federico Fellini's lush and intoxicating masterpiece, La Dolce Vita, is a meditation on the meaning of life and love and stars Marcello Mastroianni as Marcello, a gossip writer who seeks the fleeting excesses and decadence of life and sex. He sleeps with the beautiful Maddalena (Anouk Aimee), alienating and driving his lover, Emma (Yvonne Furneaux), to suicide. When he meets an elusive actress, Sylvia (Anita Ekberg), he dives deep into the abyss." Sounds like a heartwarming little tale, right? Well, it was…interesting…and three hours long…and I don't know if it was just me…and I missed some of the subtleties of 1950's Italian culture or that I spent the whole time reading subtitles or what…but I just didn't get the point of the movie. There were some great lines about living for today and taking chances and seeking excesses…but then coupled with these decisions destroying those around you. I mean…there's definitely some thought provocation involved and the music's great and the backdrop of the city of Rome made me reminisce about my two trips there…but again, at the end of the movie, I was kind of stuck thinking, "What the f**k just happened?" but not nearly to the extent of "Satyricon" though. That sh*t's just crazy. According to film buffs, Federico Fellini started out as a pretty standard filmmaker and then slowly but surely slipped into madness with his style…and this movie "La Dolce Vita" was the lynch pin in the middle of the two extremes. Overall, I'd say if you're into classic thought-provoking movies with either subtitles or bad dubbing…and can sit through a three-hour movie in which not a whole lot happens, then I'd say go for it. You may be pleasantly surprised. If not, then watch "Con Air" again or something.

Escorts Targeted in Hate Crimes - Calm down ladies of the night, the headline was to get your attention…yet still remain true. An arsonist in Medford, Oregon is apparently on the prowl for green Ford Escorts from the 1990s. Three of them have been burned in recent weeks, a series that Medford police Sgt. Mike Budreau described as "pretty bizarre." A 1995 green Ford Escort was destroyed by flames early Sunday morning after someone broke a window and poured flammable liquid into it. A similar fire was set in a 1993 green Ford Escort parked in a driveway on February 22nd. Investigators have also uncovered a February 2nd case of a 1992 green Ford Escort damaged by a plastic container filled with flammable liquid placed next to a tire that burned without setting the car afire. Budreau told the Mail Tribune newspaper in Medford, "I think this person really doesn't like Ford Escorts." Oh really? I don't think it's the car. Come with me if you will…on a journey through the mind of an arsonist. A man is in Love. He has found the woman of his dreams...and they've moved in together...and he's probably already checking out local jewelry stores for the ring that's just right. He comes home early on a Monday to be with his girlfriend…nay, already fiancé...and prepare to watch the Bachelor together (or whatever their preferred TV lineup is) but first, a special dinner…since he was a little crazy yesterday watching the Super Bowl. Maybe he said some things that he regrets. Whatever, he was gonna make it up to her. He comes home…and finds her with another man. RAGE!!! A naked man makes a mad dash to escape, clothes under arm, as the infuriated man goes to the kitchen for a knife, scissors, rolling pin, anything to inflict pain. He gets to the front door just in time to see a green 90's Ford Escort drive off…and in his rage, he doesn't make out the license plate number. An argument ensues…and the fiancé gives nothing as far as information to her newfound lover. Now, he searches the streets of Medford, looking for his green 90's Ford Escort…but any will do. He will continue to do so until the mysterious naked man (who's probably clothed by now) comes to face him…in a epic duel…but until then, I would suggest getting a paint job done on your Escort if you live in Medford. Oh yeah, it's much deeper than simple arson…and a distaste for economical American automotives. Then again, maybe I watch too much CSI (Vegas, Miami, New York, New Orleans, whatever) and Law & Order. No, that's impossible. I'm right on this. Medford police, let me know when you find this guy.

Tranny Lizards - Doc may have beaten me to this news clip and given an entertaining theoretical conversation on it…but regardless, I think that I should inform my readers as well. Young male lizards in South Africa imitate females to fool aggressive older males into leaving them alone, in an example of transvestism in the natural world. The lizards not only avoid fights but gain access to females under the nose of their more macho rivals, the South African and Australian researchers discovered. They found that young male Augrabies flat lizards delayed displaying the extravagant coloration of sexually-mature males until they were able to defend themselves adequately. "Experienced males will chase and bite their young rivals," said associate professor Martin Whiting of Johannesburg's University of the Witwatersrand. "By delaying the onset of color to a more convenient period, these males, termed she-males, are making the best of a bad situation." Australian National University associate professor Scott Keogh said opting to become transvestites for a period offered young males a dual advantage. "They can avoid potentially dangerous bouts with dominant males and still have access to normally inaccessible females." However, as with large hands and an Adam's apple in the human world, there is a flaw in the lizards' transvestite transformation. Dominant males can detect transvestite's male hormones with their sensitive tongues, even if they are taken in by their female appearance ("Is that a penis in your pants?"). University of Sydney researcher Jonathan Webb said this meant the she-males needed to be nimble to avoid advances from dominant males smitten by their fake female allure (I'll bet. Like "The Crying Game" meets "Jurassic Park"). "Males are fooled by looks, but not by scent. She-males are able to maintain this deception by staying one step ahead of a prying male, and thereby avoiding a nosey tongue that might give the game away." The research was published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society (so the Queen herself can read it). Aren't you glad that scientists are researching this stuff? Don't think for a minute that this doesn't translate to humans either. Metrosexuality is just a variation of this same principle. Sometimes to hang with the girls, you have to become one of the girls…but nobody wants to take it to the "DUDE!!! YOU'RE A DUDE!!!" extreme. That's just messed up. By the way, if you don't read Doc's blog, you may want to start. The guy's a genius…and darn funny.

Fox Update - Yet more news from the world of recently-single (question mark?) supermegahottie Megan Fox…and it's better than you think. She is in final negotiations to star in two more comic book adaptation. As reported a few months ago, she's set to play Aspen, the lead actress / aquatic humanoid in the underwater adventure "Fathom" which I've discussed before (including a very convenient possible tie-in with Angelina Jolie's character Lara Croft based on an already existing issue of the comic, hint hint Hollywood). So that's awesome. What could be possible be worthy of being mentioned in the same paragraph as that? Nothing…but I'll definitely start a new paragraph for the continuation of this update.

She is also set to star in the comic book action Western "Jonah Hex" for Warner Brothers. She will be playing Leila, a gun-wielding beauty and love interest of Hex (played by Josh Brolin), a scarred bounty hunter tracking a voodoo practitioner Quentin Turnbull (played by THE John Malkovich) who wants to raise an army of undead to liberate the South. Directed by Jimmy Hayward ("Horton Hears A Who!"), shooting kicks off next month with Andrew Lazar and Akiva Goldsman producing. That's right!!! A movie with a superhottie gunslinger (what is it about chicks with guns?), a scarred badass Eastwood type and John Malkovich playing a Southern gentleman voodoo practitioner with a loyal army of zombies. Sounds like a formidable trifecta, nay QUADfecta (zombies) of movie awesomeness to me. Apparently this one's gonna be made before "Fathom" is too…so yeah, super excited. Oooh, corsets and Colt 45's…with ZOMBIES!!! Can't wait…but apparently it'll be over a year before this one comes out. In the meantime, Transformers 2 is coming this summer…and Jennifer's Body in the fall…and even before then, I can get my Fox Fix on "How to Lose Friends & Alienate People." Giggidy!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. Tonight is a Pilates class…so I should get a good workout…and have some eye candy. Nothing really motivates me to work out like eye candy. Seriously, I could have a trainer like Teddy Atlas barking out stuff like "Come on hit that bag, you pansy!" or whatever the more realistic use of colorful metaphors would be…and I'd be like, "Whatever, I do what I want." Maybe Mick would be the one exception…but sadly that can't happen (RIP Burgess Meredith). However, if a beautiful woman merely suggests that I climb a mountain & shoots me a flirtatious smile or wears a contour revealing outfit, then I'll get to the summit of the Matterhorn in record time…or at least a personal best. It's all about motivation. Honestly, it's the same thing that gets me out of bed in the morning…just taken to the next level. Don't judge me. What motivates you? Family? Friends? Personal Goals? Tasty Kakes? Money? Self-satisfaction? Come on now, what? I'm curious.

In the meantime, I'm gonna get back to thinking about Pilate hottie bodies, unaerodynamic swimmer bods & sexy gunslingers who fall for guys with scarred faces and a big gun. Have a great day everybody!!!

Ripped Like Jesus

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

A record heat wave has hit Denver…making it quite pleasant with temperatures in the mid-70's when normally this is the snowiest month of the year (knock on wood). SO TAKE THAT, LILIE!!! We don't need your stinkin' beaches. Okay, that's a lie. I still plan on visiting in a month…and going to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm and everywhere else. Let's see, what else? Taking care of my taxes later today. I may have spoken a little too early on the whole brother's divorce thing, apparently it's not official…and there was been some interest expressed in working it out by both parties involved. I'm telling you, these two are just insanely hormonal or something. I swear I could track major events & breakups in their relationship for the last…God, over three-and-a-half years now…and I'm pretty sure that I'd find patterns of four weeks for mild eruptions and six months for cataclysmic meltdowns. Maybe it has something to do with the lunar pull…and with the Equinox coming in a few weeks, it's starting to mellow out…but watch out for the Solstice in June. I don't know. I wish them the best in whatever they decide. Obviously I care for both of them…but I understand that some people just don't click together. I really think they do…but what do I know about this stuff? I mean…how long has it been? AH! Change the subject.

Ugh…yesterday, I played some two-on-two basketball for about an hour and then followed it up with an hour-long Spinning class and then some weights. I'm really starting to get my athletic form back when combined with a healthier diet (not Taco Bell & Carl's Jr every other day). I'm not exactly eating raw veggies & tofu or anything…but more homemade stuff and leaner food…and cutting out soda entirely for the past week or so…and who knows, maybe for good. Okay, probably not that…but definitely cutting down on it even more than I have. Luckily, I'm a big fan of juice. If I were really ambitious, I'd say that I'm cutting out alcohol…but that's not going to happen. I just drink for social occasions (P.S. Less than two weeks until St Patty's Day) and even then, moderation. It's just been a long time since I've felt really healthy & was playing basketball every day…and I'm starting to get there again. It's pretty cool. Anyway, here's some news...

No Texting for Lent - Still no soda thus far…but I'm not sure if I could do this one. The bishop of Modena in northern Italy told Catholic youth to give up a popular practice during the holy season of Lent: no text messaging on their mobile phones on Fridays. (Well, maybe if it's just Fridays) No texting will allow young people to "detox from the virtual world and get back in touch with themselves," Monsignor Benito Cocchi was quoted as saying by La Repubblica on Tuesday. Italy ranks second in Europe after Britain for the number of text messages (50 per month on average) by users of the "telefonino" -- Italian for mobile phone. Other bishops picked up Cocchi's message and urged youth in their dioceses of Bari in the south and Pesaro in central Italy to also stop texting on Fridays. More advice on curbing overconsumption during Lent came from Trentino in the northeast where the Catholic faithful were asked to give up driving their cars on Sundays and in Venice to drink water from the tap, instead of from bottles, to help the environment. April 12th is Easter, marking the end of Lent. Oddly enough, the day I'll be getting back from California. Should be a fairly easy task…but don't worry everybody. I'll still be texting…even on Fridays. For example, yesterday, between text conversations with JL Clyde, Filly & Lilie, I texted approximately 60 messages and received just as many. And no, I don't twitter. I only update my status on Facebook every week or so. By the way, is anybody else all of a sudden craving gelato after reading this story?

Kitty Bong - An Omaha man who tried to cool out his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong faces cruelty charges...and catcalls from animal lovers. Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed. Sgt. Andy Stebbing said, "This cat was just dazed. She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society." Schomaker told deputies 6-month-old Shadow was hyper and he was trying to calm her down. The contraption she had been stuffed inside was 12 inches by 6 inches (yes, that's an actual picture of it). Shadow was timid but in good condition Monday at the Capital Humane Society, executive director Bob Downey (not Robert Downey) said. Schomaker, who was released from jail after paying a $400 fine on the arrest warrant, faces drug and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. Having worked with people from Omaha for many years, this doesn't surprise me (glad you escaped Jewels) but still, this is just a messed-up story. Then again, I'm sure that somebody out there read this story and said, "So wait, if we make the hot box smaller…then we'll be super chill. Smokey, get me some duct tape, a fish tank, some funjuns and a snorkel. I've got an idea." That's what we call a MacGyver smoker. Oh yeah…and Mr. Schomaker should be neutered so that he can't reproduce. It's justice in my opinion.

Panda Update - A Thai zoo has again resorted to artificial insemination of its giant pandas after pornography, low-carb diets and even a spell out in the cold failed to inspire the celibate pair. Chiang Mai zoo's star residents, nine-year-old Chuang Chuang and his eight-year-old partner Lin Hui, have showed no interest in reproducing the traditional way since they arrived on a 10-year loan from China in 2003. But determined zoo officials, despite failing in a previous attempt at sperm donation two years ago, said they were hopeful a second try could finally produce a cub. "The artificial insemination was successfully conducted on February 18 at 1:30 pm, which was the most suitable time for successful reproduction," Sophon Dumnui, the head of the team behind the attempt, said in a statement. The zoo must now wait up to three months to find out if the method has worked. Hopes were first raised among zoo officials this year when cold weather in the northern city in January prompted an unusually frisky response from Lin Hui. Authorities took the pair out of their usual climate-controlled environment in the hope that the chilly climes would provoke a steamy response during the pandas' mating season. Lin Hui was first artificially inseminated with semen from her companion in April 2007, but it didn't take. The previous year Chuang Chuang, who had been deemed too heavy to mate with Lin Hui, lost seven kilograms (15 pounds) on a low-carbohydrate diet, and was then shown 15-minute video clips of successful panda couplings…but the panda porn (which I still firmly believe I am responsible for) did little to inspire. Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals. Maybe Chuang Chuang's having a problem with the pressure of an entire species resting on his…shoulders? Hmm, maybe they should change their names…like we talked about yesterday with the vegetables and lazy eyes. Maybe if they were named Schwing Schwing & Lin Ho or something drastic like Lo Dong & Mei So Ho Ni or something, it's just crazy enough to work. No need to thank me (like you forgot to do with the panda porn thing), just pay it forward…and make some panda babies. Have you tried playing some Barry White or Marvin Gaye? I've heard that Asian stuff with sitars and whatever…and it's not quite the same ambience. All I'm saying is…offer me a job in China (or even the San Diego Zoo or any with pandas occupying them) and I will at LEAST double your panda population within five years. If there's one thing I can do…it's set the mood for babymaking of any species. I'm on Monster.com so let me know when I can start. I'm not cheap…but I'm effective.

That concludes today's episode. Join us next time when I ramble on about this & that, throw in a poop joke or two and entertain myself…and hopefully others. Fingers crossed for a big tax return. I could sure use that cash right about now…especially with the trip to Cali in (drum roll) four weeks. Can't wait to get some of that Cali sun. Oh wait, I've got the sun right here…because it's 70 right now. Maybe I just need to get out of work before sunset. Hopefully this'll carry over into the weekend so I can have some fun running around the park or flying a kite or something. Don't judge me. Flying a kite is fun…and I know you're super jealous…because there's ALWAYS a steady wind here in the Mile High City. Have a great day everybody!!! Go fly a kite if you can!!!

Speed Has EVERYTHING To Do With It

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

In family news, my brother got custody of the kids…and I think the divorce is official…but frankly, I don't really know the details. It's probably a good thing that he got custody…because from what I understand, my now ex-sister-in-law is in absolutely no condition to be around children…and she didn't even fight for it, which is a pretty good indicator that the rumors and hearsay are based in reality. Regardless, Kairi & Vinny will be staying with my brother, who's working now. Kelaudri is still in custody with her dad…and I'll probably never see her again…which sucks because she's a great kid…and I only hope that her dad reads Dr Seuss books to her too. It's just a messy situation…but overall, I think it's a good thing. Sure, my ex-sister-in-law just kind of floats about life and goes…wherever…but that's where she was before my brother came along…so really no loss there (other than a sh*tload of money my family invested in her well-being…but it's just money). My brother has really grown since becoming a family man…and has learned a lot about responsibility…and he now has a purpose in life - to give those babies a safe & healthy life. He's still learning a lot every day…but it's been great for him, even if it's absolutely heartbreaking at the same time. He's got a good support system though with his family, so he'll be fine…and if he had never taken a chance with her, then we wouldn't have the two wonderful kids in our family…so yeah, overall, it's a good thing…even if it's difficult at times. Oh well, everybody's gotta get that first marriage out of the way, right? Makes you more prepared for next time. Anyway, here's some world news...

Good Samaritan Update - Remember last week when I told you about the local Denverite who was hit by a truck in a snowstorm while helping old ladies across a busy downtown street…and the police gave him a Jaywalking ticket? Well, they decided to take the ticket back…so he doesn't have to pay $22. Bus driver Jim Moffett and another man were helping two elderly women cross a busy Denver street in a snowstorm when he was hit February 20th. Moffett suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen. He remained hospitalized in serious condition Friday. His wife Donna says, "He's doing better, but it's going to be a long, hard road for him. His knee is just completely destroyed, his shoulder was badly dislocated, he's got a lot of internal injuries." The State Patrol said in a statement that it withdrew the citation "after examining the ... circumstances" and consulting with prosecutors. Wow. Thanks guys. I'm sure that relieves a lot of pressure off his brain…or I'm sure the doctors are helping with that too.

When Jokes Go Too Far - An Israeli girl has become a divorcee at the age of 14. It all began as a joke, in a schoolyard where a 17-year-old boy recently declared the girl his wife, reciting a Jewish ritual vow in front of witnesses, and she accepted his ring (purple spider ring?). That, and what a spokeswoman for Israel's Rabbinical Courts said was the consummation of their marriage, was enough to make them man and wife in the Jewish state. Spokeswoman Efrat Orbach, describing the girl as the youngest Jewish divorcee in Israel's modern history, said the couple was granted a rabbinical divorce this week. Don't worry. Apparently, under Israeli criminal law, sexual relations with a 14-year-old girl are not illegal as long as her male partner is no more than three years her senior. It's nice to hear a tale of Love out of the Holy Land every once in a while…even if it's mildly creepy & disturbing. I wonder if she gets half of his lunch every day and they have a visitation schedule set up with their pet turtle. Hmm…well, at least they got that first marriage out of the way. That's always the toughest one.

Renaming Veggies - So your kids won't eat their vegetables? Just name them something cool. In a new study, 186 four-year-olds were given regular carrots and, on other lunch days, they were given the same vegetables renamed X-ray Vision Carrots. On the latter days, they ate nearly twice as many. The study suggests the influence of these names might persist. Children continued to eat about 50% more carrots even on the days when they were no longer labeled as anything special. The research was presented yesterday at the annual meeting of the School Nutrition Association in Washington, DC. Lead author Brian Wansink of Cornell University said, "Cool names can make for cool foods. Whether it be 'power peas' or 'dinosaur broccoli trees,' giving a food a fun name makes kids think it will be more fun to eat. And it seems to keep working - even the next day." Similar results have been found with adults. A restaurant study showed that when the Seafood Filet was changed to Succulent Italian Seafood Filet, sales increased 28% and taste rating increased by 12%. "Same food, but different expectations, and a different experience," said Wansink, author of "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think." The veggie study was conducted in pre-schools, but the researchers believe the same naming tricks can work with children at home. "I've been using this with my kids," said researcher Collin Payne, "Whatever sparks their imagination seems to spark their appetite." So what's the best way to get your kids to eat something? Lie to them. Now, I've never had a problem eating my veggies…but yeah, it's all about the presentation. Heck, tell your kids that bananas are loaded with steroids so they can be big & strong like A-Rod or Barry Bonds…and they'll get their daily amount of potassium, guaranteed…and without 'Roid Rage. Being a marketing degree holder, I'm also aware that provocative metaphors help to make your product stand out too. There have been THOUSANDS of studies confirming that. So yeah, free parenting advice from Dr Love. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Speaking of renaming things, I have a bit of a problem with the term "Lazy Eye" running around out there. Now, the superior rectus muscle in my right eye has some deficiencies…and so by common colloquialisms, I have a "Lazy Eye". Does that mean my eye is lazy? Should its work ethic be called into question? No, I think not. If somebody is paralyzed from the waist down, do they have "Lazy Legs"? No. If somebody has an irregular heartbeat, does that mean they have a "Stupid Heart"? Of course not. If somebody's an alcoholic, does that mean they have a "Pansy Liver"? If somebody suffers from premature ejaculation, does he have an "Overzealous Penis"? Okay, maybe…but still, you get my drift. So what do we call it instead? Wandering Eye? Shifty Eye? Crazy Eye? I don't know. I'm not a literary genius…but those have bad connotations too. Damn it, if I don't get to tell people they have a Stupid Heart then there has to be something else for a Lazy Eye. Any ideas out there? Uninterested Eye? Heck, according to that last story, maybe I should call it an X-Ray Eye or Power Eye or something. I don't know. Just a thought of a little gripe that I had.

Well, that'll probably do it for today. Not a whole lot else to talk about today. Pretty standard Tuesday in my world. I get my taxes done tomorrow. That'll be awesome. Well, at least the getting the check in a few weeks will be awesome. Still no soda for a full week now. Going to the gym too. Yoga class last night and spinning today. Gotta do something to fill up my free time, right? Have a great day everybody!!!

No Cussing Allowed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much going on in the world of Dr Love. Talked to my niece Kairi on the phone over the weekend…and she's cute as hell. Really starting to form sentences and stuff too. She really wants to come to Denver to ride the "alligator" (elevator) and see her Uncle $teve…but it'll probably be a while before that happens.

LA's No Cussing Week - 15-year old McKay Hatch of South Pasadena High School has a quite ambitious goal. On Tuesday, the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation by supervisor Michael Antonovich making the first week in March, No Cussing Week for the 10 million residents of LA County. That would mean no choice language ("moist" is still in shady territory) where there's a lot of f**king people and the air smells like a** but the motion carries no penalties (no sh*t). Hatch & his No Cussing Club meet Wednesdays and proposed the idea to Antonovich. "Next year I want to try to get California to have a cuss-free week. And then, who knows, maybe worldwide," said the 10th grader, who believes if people treat each other with more civility they can better work together to solve bigger problems. He said his campaign began to form about the time he hit seventh grade when he noticed his friends beginning to swear, something his family didn't allow. He formed the No Cussing Club and invited others to join. Soon the group had a Web site, bright orange T-shirts, a hip hop theme song (courtesy of Will Smith?) and inquiries from all over from people interested in joining. He estimates 20,000 people have formed similar clubs. "It's not about forcing anyone to stop, just to bring awareness. If you can do a week without cussing, maybe you can do two weeks. And then maybe a month." I like the idea. Good luck with the implementation though. For example, I started off the month of March yesterday…and lasted about four seconds as I got out of bed, walked towards the bathroom…and promptly stubbed my pinky toe pretty good on an oak dresser. I went into a pretty good tirade where I used every curse word except the C-Word. I'm pretty sure that I threw in a Mekrob. Anyway, I really try to watch what I say around kids…but yeah, I slip up. Maybe we should all try to watch what we say a little bit…or at least save it for when it's really funny.

Forty-seven years ago today...was a magical day. In Hershey, Pennsylvania, the legendary basketball player Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a single NBA game. Basically, it's one of the greatest accomplishments in sports. Nobody has even really came close in the nearly half-century since. Funny little thing about that…is that for the season, Wilt averaged over 50 points & 25 rebounds a game…but didn't win the MVP that year. Oscar Robertson of the Cincinnati Royals averaged a triple-double (basically 30 points, 10 boards & 10 assists) for the entire season…something else that hasn't been done…and he didn't win it either. The award went to Bill Russell of the Boston Celtics. Why? Because he won the championship…like he did 11 of his 13 years in the league.

Anyway, another thing about that magical day 47 years ago…was nearby in the city of Perth Amboy, New Jersey…where former Playboy bunny Carol Sharkey gave birth to a healthy baby boy, John Francis Bongiovi. He would later go on to become a rock & roll legend, actor and owner of the reigning AFL champion Philadelphia Soul…but being in show business, changed his name to Jon Bon Jovi. Happy birthday buddy!!! Sorry that the AFL decided not to play this year…but you'll just have to defend the title next year. Wanna know who else has a birthday today? Well, Daniel Craig is 41, Mikhail Gorbachev is 78, Desi Arnez would be 92 and Dr Seuss would be 105.

Wow, other than that, really nothing else to report…or anything that particularly caught my attention over the weekend. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something to report. One can only hope. Have a great day everybody!!!

How to Lose Aliens & Friend People

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today I woke up bright and early to do some work things (numbers for the 1st of the month...and luckily I live nearby) then headed over to see T-Skittle & D-Skittle before heading to Boulder to pick up my new table...which has been sitting there since JL Clyde visited three weeks ago because nobody I know around here had a truck (and I'd been out of town) until I remembered that they did. So yeah, I'm a little slow. So what? Anyway, D-Skittle & I drove out there, picked it up, and he helped me bring the packed pieces up to my apartment...then I went grocery shopping, then spent about an hour-and-a-half putting it together with a hex wrench...and voila...

I now have a computer desk...and it folds out to double its size if I ever need a dinner table...and there are four stools just like the ones in the picture. It's nice to have a computer desk again (last one didn't make the trip because it was falling apart...and junk to begin with). Other than that, not much else is going on.

I watched "How to Lose Friends & Alienate People" last night...and it was surprisingly good. I don't know why I wasn't expecting much from a movie that starred Shaun of the Dead, Mary Jane Parker, the Dude, Scully, and the superhot Megan Fox (plus a few frames of Brian Austin Green)...but it was pretty good. It's about a journalist for a small London magazine (Simon Pegg) who gets the call from a magazine mogul (Jeff Bridges) to work at his magazine in New York. While there, he learns the ropes from a coworker (Kirsten Dunst) and basically makes a goal to have sex with the next big Hollywood starlet (Megan Fox) but her publicist (Gillian Anderson) keeps him at a distance...because he's a nobody (and kind of a prick honestly). Anyway, the story goes on from there...and there's a lot of really funny moments...so I'd say it's worth a look-see. Not sold? Well, there's scenes in the movie were A) Megan Fox plays Mother Teresa...in a movie that honestly, I would actually go see, I kid you not; B) She walks through a pool in a sheer dress; C) Megan Fox says "You're gonna be my bitch!"

Also, it seems to me...that she's basically playing herself...and there's actually one scene where he asks her what it's like being the celebrity now...and it seems like she's kind of talking into the camera and saying, "It's weird. It all happens so fast...and it seems like it has nothing to do with me" and it just kind of seems like Marilyn Monroe and her quick rise to fame and how the media just couldn't get enough of her and we all know how that story ends. I'd hate to see anything like that happen to Miss Fox or any of those other young men & women out there (Lindsay, Britney, etc.) but unfortunately it seems like that's part of the Hollywood machine. People are more respected here for their image than for their work or skills. That's why guys like Kevin Spacey work in London 95% of the time...but then will show up to once a decade to shave his head and play Lex Luther to get a big paycheck. Not a bad gig that way...but when you're young, people want to take advantage of you...and it's kind of sad. Anyway, that moment quickly passed because then she leaned over to Simon Pegg and said, "I wish I had some coke. It always makes me soooo horny" and of course he goes running off to find some...as anybody would do in the situation. Anyway, check it out. It's a little deeper than you think...but still funny...and Scully & the Dude are in it. SUPPORT SCULLY!!!

Anyway, that's about it. Just a quick one today because...well, I'm lazy on Sundays. It's why I don't go to church...well, one of the reasons. Something always smells like smoke when I walk into a church. I'm not sure why. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy March!!!