Showing posts with label sexbots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexbots. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

"Just... One More Thing..."

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
 
Only a few more days/hours until my voyage back to the Frozen Land of Utah (FLU) but I’m obviously looking forward to it. I mean… as you may know, Christmas is just about my favorite holiday because it’s about families getting together, usually making lots of delicious treats, and exchanging gifts is cool for the kiddies. I’ve got some really good ones for my niece & nephew… and most everybody else will just be drinking some of my homebrews. Am I being “that guy” whose against commercialism during the Holidays? Sorta… but it’s really just why get them a bunch of crap that they’re not going to use… when I can give them something that I want them to literally turn into crap (and/or urine)? It just makes sense… and they’ll enjoy it. Then again, if my homebrews end up destroyed during the journey… then I’m kinda screwed and everybody’s getting doodles of dinosaurs or macaroni & paper plate tambourines. If it worked in 2nd grade, why not now?
 
So this past weekend, I finally watched “The Breakfast Club” starring Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall & Ally Sheedy. I had never seen this movie before… but I’ve seen plenty of parodies over the years, most recognizably “NOT Another Teen Movie” which… is basically my kind of teen movie. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, there are these five high school kids who spend a Saturday in detention for unknown reasons. They’re the standard horror flick mix of The Nerd, The Rich Girl, The Jock, The Weird Chick & The “Criminal” (A-hole). Over the course of the afternoon, they talk… divulge their life stories… smoke a lot of weed… swear a sh*t ton… vandalize (at one point the Jock breaks a window by screaming after doing a bunch of cartwheels high off his ass… or he may have rag bonered it, I dare not rewind to find out) and so on. I’ve heard this movie is a generational epic masterpiece… but then again, I’ve heard similar things about “Dirty Dancing” and “Napoleon Dynamite.” Basically… your sister probably loved it. Why? Not entirely sure. Maybe she personified with the weird chick. Maybe they liked odd ways of applying lipstick. Maybe she likes the a-hole type guy. I’m sure they’re all getting ridiculous amounts of muff from this movie. In fact, check on your sister. She may be getting banged by Judd Nelson this very moment. As for my opinion, I didn’t care for it. I personalized more with the Janitor than any of the kids. Is that to say I’m old? Maybe… but then again, I never really had the “NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!” phase when I was in high school. Everybody seemed to understand me. I like to keep things simple & logical… at least on the inside.
 
Next up was “Europa Report” starring Sharlto Copley & Michal Nyqvist. Set in the fairly near future, an international crew of astronauts is sent on an epic mission to Europa, one of the many moons of Jupiter in the search of life on other planets. This 22-month mission (each way) is privately funded and based on some findings that there was water (or some liquid) under the frozen icy exterior… so there’s potentially microscopic organisms… or perhaps, something more… more DANGEROUS!!! Things get really interesting when the communications link is lost 6 months into their journey there. This movie is told kind of in a jumbled way of interviews with members of home base, found footage, interviews with the crew, etc… and it’s actually a pretty interesting movie… though there are a lot of points that are kind of predictable and what-have-you. I’d recommend it though. It’s very similar to that movie “Sunshine” that came out a few years ago from director Danny Boyle… but with a bit more of a horror twist to it. It’s on Netflix, check it out.
 

 
Next up was “Robot & Frank” starring Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon, James Marsden & Liv Tyler. Also set in the fairly near future, Frank (Langella) is a former cat burglar… but he’s losing his mind a little bit in his older years. So his kids (Marsden & Tyler) get him a healthcare robot to help out around the house. At first, he’s obviously opposed to having a damn talking tin can there to pester him, but over time… he begins to form a bit of a kinship with the robot… and then when he realizes that he can convince the robot to help him pull off heists, then the cat burglar is back up to his old tricks… but with him being a little old & forgetful, will the law catch up to him? Throw in an attractive librarian of a certain age (Sarandon) that he has the hots for… and boom, you’ve got a movie. I REALLY liked this movie. Basically it starts out as a piece about how to care for the elderly in the future since we’re all apparently going to live to be well into our hundreds unless there’s a major catastrophe… and how robots as healthcare workers can be a controversial solution to certain things when the technology is ready. It also touches on how one of the best things to help a person suffering from some mental setbacks is to keep their minds occupied & stimulated… but at the same time, if what stimulates them is larceny then there may be an issue there. Aside from that background, it’s a pretty funny & entertaining little flick that I highly recommend. Frank Langella does a nice job as the “everyday grandpa” type since he’s obviously most famous for being the only actor to successfully portray the Holy Quartet of Evil (Dracula, Satan, Skeletor & Nixon), it’s a nice change of pace for a very underrated actor. Also, it's been a LONG time since I mentioned updates on "Sexbots". This particular movies doesn't dive into that subject but... just a thought that I had.
 
Well, that’ll do it for tonight. Just a quick movie updated really before I’m off for a few weeks. I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas time with your family, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, but sure just to let your Loved ones know that you Love them. Happy Holidays y’all!!!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Steady Lovin' Woman Gon' Come My Way

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Two days from now, my dad & stepmom are going to be here…so if you don’t hear from me for a few days, please don’t worry. I’ll just be enjoying time with the family including a four-day weekend. Not a whole lot to really say or catch up on. Shot some hoops at the park yesterday…and pretty much had the court to myself which is a rarity in this outstanding weather. No softball leagues on Mondays, just practice for a girl’s team…which I don’t mind one bit. “Whew… it’s gettin’ hot in herre. So take off all your clothes. I am, getting so hot, I’m gon’ take my clothes off.” With a little bitta… Come on. Don’t act like you don’t know Nelly. Anyway, that’s about it. Talked to a coworker who may be a new roommate…but we’ll see. He was looking to move to Truckee by the start of winter. I gave him the number & he knows where to find me if he wants to check the place out. He’s a cool cat. Anyway, I guess here’s some news…

Still Think You’d Be a Bad Parent? – You know, I hear people say stuff all the time like “I’d like to have kids…but I just don’t think that I’d be a great parent. So I’ll wait” or “I can’t afford kids right now.” Now, I don’t have kids…but let me tell ya, there’s no time like as soon as you’d like to have them (and you don’t have pending drug addictions). It’s always a shame when a perfectly good couple let their window pass them by because they’re scared about becoming a parent. It’s a valid fear…but you can do it. Besides, stupid people are having kids at an INCREDIBLE rate…and I see the movie “Idiocracy” as more like “An Inconvenient Truth” than most people…but hey, prove me wrong. For example, this story comes from Michigan. Authorities said a drunken man and woman were arrested after they were found pushing a baby stroller holding two young boys…who were holding open containers of alcohol and a bayonet inside. Police said in a statement that the 30-year-old woman and 52-year-old man (oh yes, 52 & 30) were arrested after police were called about 1:30 a.m. Friday when the woman tried to take a bike off a porch (that apparently didn’t belong to her?). The statement said security guards had been watching the pair and initially detained the woman. Police said officers found the woman's one- and four-year-old sons in the stroller along with alcohol and the "double-edged bayonet." AnnArbor.com reported the children were turned over to a relative. Charges were pending. Still think you’re not fit to raise children? I believe in you. All you need is Love. How do I know this? My grandpa & grandma Jay raised 17 children on a farm…and my grandpa Jay was a garbage man (and my grandma was apparently knocked up for over 20 years) and they were all happy as clams. Will you make mistakes? Of course. Will it be difficult? Anything worth doing or having usually is. Just do me a favor…and don’t give you kids a bottle of Jack and a large stabbing weapon as toys while you go on a drunken bike theft spree.

Schoolyard Brawl – I’d be more forgiving if this happened. Authorities say two women have been arrested following a parents' brawl that interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony. School officials placed Puesta del Sol (“Sunset”) Elementary in the desert town of Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents. The San Bernardino County sheriff's department says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in an argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray, and the incident turned into a brawl. A deputy later arrested two people on suspicion of being a disruptive presence at a school. Witnesses said they were the main instigators. In all, 20 adults were identified in the brawl. A school district official says there could be more arrests. There were no reported injuries. The worst part is…we don’t even know what it was about. You’re at a cheesy kindergarten graduation ceremony… probably in hundred degree heat… I want to know what the spark was to light this powder keg. Was some parent making fun of somebody’s child? Did somebody accidentally step on a foot & tempers went off? Was there an argument about how tax dollars are being spent on public schools in our state? Or was it somebody didn’t “ackrite” and “be dis-respeckin me” and it hit the fan? Who knows? That is the mystery of the minor schoolyard brawl. Heck, it could’ve gone back to when the parents involved were children. “This is for kissing Bobby Higgins under jungle gym.” POP!!! “B**ch, that was back when New Kids on the Block were actually kids. Why are you bringing that up now?” Then it goes from there. Still thinking that raising kids is tough? Would you start a fight at a graduation ceremony for your 5-year old? I didn’t think so. Now let’s travel the world for some news…

Legendary Tennis Match - When umpire Mohamed Lahyani was assigned to officiate a first-round match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, little did he know his years of traveling around the world cramped in economy class would come in handy. While American Isner and Frenchman Mahut were locked in an almighty three-day battle that stretched on for a surreal 11 hours and five minutes (oh yes, the old record was almost half as long), many people were concerned about the plight of Sweden's Lahyani. "Seriously... doesn't anyone have to pee? Umpires included?" Andy Roddick Tweeted Wednesday as he watched the final set drag on for what ended up being eight hours and 11 minutes. Once the match concluded Thursday, with an eye-popping score of 6-4 3-6 6-7 7-6 70-68, Lahyani shed light on his own powers of endurance. "I travel economy so seven hours sitting still on court is nothing," Lahyani, who had the best seat in town for the match of the century which featured an unbelievable 980 points, told reporters. "It has been quite amazing to be involved with such an extraordinary match. I can't imagine seeing another one like it in my lifetime. I didn't get a chance to feel tired, I was gripped by the amazing match and my concentration stayed good -- I owe that to the players. Their stamina was breathtaking and their behavior exceptional." While Isner and Mahut were seen chomping away energy bars and endless bunches of bananas, Lahyani took a few sips of water now and then as he enjoyed his high-rise vantage point. He sent the crowd into fits of laughter at every mention of the score -- it does not get any more surreal than uttering 68-games all -- and sometimes even shook his head and rubbed his eyes at the absurdity of it all. But he would not have swapped his place with anyone. "On Wednesday my voice did get a little dry but I have drunk plenty today and it feels good," said Lahyani, who along with the players was presented with a memento on court to mark the marathon feat. "I think the longest match I've ever chair umpired before was five and a half hours long... that's a lot less than even the third set of this one. When you are so focused and every point feels like a match point you just don't even think about eating or needing the bathroom.” So the next time that you’re stuck on a layover at DIA for a couple hours thinking “How could this possibly get any worse?” Just remember, you could be forced to watch tennis. I kid. It must’ve been an epic match. I caught some of the highlights. Would’ve been better if it were women. You know how I like to just listen…

Beauty Queen Stripped – Sorry, it’s not nearly as sexy as you think. No sex scandal involved. A British beauty queen has been stripped of her title after pageant organizers discovered she lied about her age and place of residence on the application form for the contest. Hopefuls must be between the ages of 15 (really?) and 24 to participate in the Miss Cornwall pageant and 27-year-old English teacher Anness (that’s it? Like Madonna? Only dangerously close to anus?) claimed to be 22 on all the entry forms she submitted between 2006 and 2010, British papers reported. Competition organizer Becky Chapman discovered the old applications while cleaning her office. When she went to confront Anness at her home, she found that the beauty queen lived not in Saltash, Cornwall as she had written on the application form, but in Plymouth, Devon. GASP!!! According to the rules of the contest, entrants must either live, work or study in Cornwall. Anness apologized for the incident, explaining that she had lied about her age to follow her dream. Chapman expressed pity for Anness. "I feel sorry for her, she'd been entering these contests for years and never won, and now she has finally won she gets her title taken from her," Chapman told the Mail. As well as the prized crown and sash, Anness has given up 2,000 pounds ($3,013) worth of prizes, a 12 month modeling contract, and a chance to compete for the Miss England title. Runner-up Samantha Jane Orpe will take her title and place in the Miss England final. Sucks a little bit, right? Just goes to show that women age like fine wine. Oh golly, a woman lied about her age! Stop the presses! Get to the fallout shelter! The Apocalypse is surely upon us as foretold in the Prophecy! The fall of an empire, the passing of a comet, David Spade is a father, and now… a woman has lied about her age. We are surely doomed!!! Cheese & rice, we’re talking about a beauty pageant. Do you think ANY of them actually work with charity organizations? If they had the choice between World Peace & a shopping spree, which do you think they would take? Granted, I know a few former pageant contestants who got out of that crap because they really did like that stuff & didn’t like the BS associated with the pageants…but nine times out of ten, they’re just a beautiful naïve sheltered girl. Definitely not a woman who has any idea what she wants in life, just like any other 15-24 year old out there. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you, Anness. Wow! She’s a superhot school teacher with an English accent…and she has a name like that. Just goes to show, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

Village Sale - Stressed-out city executives looking to get away from it all have the chance to buy their own rural village in New Zealand, complete with a pub and population of 40. Otira, a hamlet on the rainy west coast of New Zealand's South Island, is on the market for $NZ1 million ($715,000). Current owners Bill and Christine Hennah bought the rundown village in 1998 after passing through and "feeling sorry for it," Christchurch-based newspaper The Press reported on Friday. They paid $NZ80,000 ($56,000) for the hotel or pub, school, railway station, town hall and 18 houses making up the village near the Arthur's Pass National Park that dates back to 1923. The village developed when the Otira railway tunnel was opened, and during its heyday was home to about 600 workers and their families. But the couple, now aged in their 60s, say they no longer have the energy to run the hotel. They are asking $NZ350,000 for the hotel or $NZ1 million for the whole lot. "We need someone to build it up again. There is a lot of potential and opportunity," Christine Hennah told The Press. Hmm, you can buy a quaint Kiwi town for less than a million bucks? Interesting. What’s the catch? Oh yeah, it’s cold & rainy and everything’s about 80 years old and rundown. I wonder if it’s still that whole untapped gorgeous wilderness that you always see in the New Zealand advertisements. I’m sure it’s not horrible, right? “The name Otira has to go. Welcome to…$tevonia!!! The hotel, to meet the changing demographic of our guests, will now be a hotel / pub / spa / brothel. I have also hired the famous Anness to be our greeter / school teacher / eye candy. The railway station will bring in guests from all over the island…and our new policy will be to give everybody a Kiwi as they exit. Since Kiwis won’t readily grow here, we’ll have to import them from more tropical areas. To counter these expenses, we will convert the town hall into a marijuana greenhouse, providing the stickiest of the icky and boosting our modest economy…and maybe see if we can grow a few Kiwis in there too. You aaaaand you now work at the hotel. So let it be written, so let it be done!” Ah yes, loads of potential in the city of Otira. Within a few years, I see it blossoming like Vegas…only in a place that knows what the color non-neon green looks like.

Russian Getaway – “$teve, how would you get the money to afford a small town?” Being in the right place at the right time, that’s how. A Russian fisheries official suspected of accepting bribes tossed 10 million rubles ($322,000) from his car after a police chase and a crash on a busy Moscow highway, investigators said on Monday. Pursued by police, Federal Fisheries Agency official Boris Simonov crashed his Cadillac (what did YOU think he drove?) on Friday and frantically flung 10 million rubles ($322,000) into the wind, local media reported. State-run First Channel television showed scores of large-denomination ruble notes being collected by police and cast into a torn, grimy cardboard box beside a thoroughfare in south-central Moscow. A spokesman for Russia's Investigative Committee said Simonov's boss, Roman Postnikov, who oversaw two Moscow rivers, was arrested on suspicion of forging a contract that allowed a fishing firm operate without the proper documents. Both fishery officials will be jailed for two months pending further investigation, the committee said. President Dmitry Medvedev has vowed to tackle Russia's endemic graft, but analysts say little has changed since he took office in May 2008. Anyway, back to the getaway. Despite the poor exchange rate of rubles to dollars, isn’t that better than a smoke screen for a getaway? “Damn the cops are on our ass. Fan out the money!” “What? Why?” “Don’t worry, we have billions of rubles, just toss out what we have. People will get in the way & the cops will stop…or have some serious explaining to do.” Admit it, if you where walking downtown…and saw a car driving by with a man in the window through bags of singles into the air (like he just robbed a strip club & decided to make it rain), wouldn’t you flood the streets to get a few handfuls? Sure, you may wait until the cop cars pass…then again, you may not. You got first dibs, only suckers will wait until the coast is clear. You’re an entrepreneur. Money goes to the adventurous, right? Anyway, just thought it was an interesting story / image.

Bot Update – “$teve, it’s not a Sexbot Update?” Does everything have to be about sex with you? Can’t I just talk nerdy for a few minutes (and maybe work in some sexual innuendo)? So the theory is, if extraterrestrial life exists on Jupiter's moon Europa, instead of deploying probes to drill past its ice shell to look for aliens in the ocean below, one might just go fossil-hunting on the icy surface, right? "A prospector sent there could possibly find extraterrestrial life within our lifetimes," suggested planetary scientist Richard Greenberg at the University of Arizona's Lunar and Planetary Laboratory at Tucson. Europa, which is roughly the size of Earth's moon, is enveloped by a global ocean that may be about 100 miles deep (Waterworld on acid?). This ocean is overlain by an icy crust of unknown thickness, although some estimates are that it could be only a few miles thick. Since wherever there is water on Earth there is a chance of life, for many years scientists have entertained the notion that this Jovian moon could support extraterrestrials. Recent findings even suggest its ocean could be loaded with oxygen, enough to support millions of tons worth of marine life like the type that exists on Earth. To see if any kind of life actually evolved on Europa, scientists have proposed missions to drill through its outer shell, perhaps using heat to melt through the ice (that couldn’t possibly work), whirring blades to clear away rocks and robot subs to explore the ocean. "With that vision in mind, NASA has a multi-staged plan, first with a Europa orbiter scheduled for 18 years from now, and 10 or 20 years after that, a lander to see what the surface is like, and then maybe a generation later, hopefully we can figure out how to drill all the way down through the ice," Greenberg noted. He recently wrote a book, "Unmasking Europa," which touched upon how one might search for life on the Jovian moon (and then fall in love with the princess of the native underwater people, soon to become a movie titled “Dancing with Snorks”). However, rather than deploying complex equipment to try and penetrate an uncertain distance into the ice, the remains of marine life on Europa could be available right on the outer shell for landers to find. Scientists aren't suggesting that any life from Europa somehow managed to dig its way up through the ice. Instead, the constant upheaval this Jovian moon undergoes could drag unwitting organisms upward (ugh…giggidy?), Greenberg explained. The scarcity of craters seen on Europa suggests the ice shell is no older than 50 million years old, hinting that it underwent complete turnover in that time. The culprit for this extraordinary activity is the gravitational pull Europa experiences from Jupiter. This leads to tidal forces roughly 1,000 times stronger than what Earth feels from our moon, flexing and heating the Jovian moon and constantly stirring its crust (ah, giggidy!). Ice (probably newly frozen ocean water) apparently regularly gets pushed up from below, leading double ridges typically 330 feet high (100 meters) to form and cover at least half of Europa's surface. Parts of the surface also could partially melt from below, creating rafts of ice that break loose and tumble around. This process creates the "chaotic terrain" that comprises roughly 40% of the ice shell, and also sends matter both upward and downward (giggidy). "If there are organisms in Europa's ocean, one could well imagine that all over the surface there might be frozen chunks of that stuff. People are talking about various kinds of drills and melting down through the ice, and I think we can jump past that and sample the ocean from the surface." One of the best places to look for any fossils on Europa would be newly formed double ridges, Greenberg said. "The ridges that crisscross others are going to be the most recent ones. One could then imagine landers scooping up the ice and analyzing it." Chaotic terrain would also be another good area to explore, as would an active crack (giggidy?) in Europa's crust. "If we can land right next to an active crack, there's a good chance we could sample some of the most recent ice. If we could put a penetrator into it, we could even sample water as it comes up." Okay, that’s a definite giggidy…but let’s get it back to science now. No more penetrating cracks and sample the water that comes out of it. If any microbes did manage to make their way to Europa's surface, the constant stream of radiation from Jupiter would likely break their proteins down over time, assuming such life would have proteins at all, said planetary geologist Brad Dalton at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Still, experiments of Dalton's have suggested orbiters could investigate the infrared signature of Europa's icy crust to look for tattered remnants of life. Landers could conduct even more detailed analyses — for instance, using "lab-on-a-chip" devices on melted ice samples to look for biomolecules, he added. Also "there's always the possibility that we could find structures — something analogous to skeletal remains," Greenberg noted. Dalton added that if landers dug "even a meter or so down might also be able to find viable organisms, if there are any there." Of course, if there is life in Europa's ocean, it remains uncertain whether it would indeed get lofted up via geological processes to its surface. Conversely, if no life is seen on Europa's surface, that does not mean there is no life in Europa's ocean. "My point is only why wait to look for life at the hardest place on Europa to get to? Why not go to the easy place first?" Good point. Okay, I think I’ve nerded you out for long enough. This stuff interests me a bit…and it’s my blog, so deal with it. Hmm, what else interests me…

X-Men Update – Ah yes, beautiful women & comic books. Those too interest me. Alice Eve ("She’s Out of My League") has scored the role of Emma Frost in “X-Men: First Class” for 20th Century Fox reports Heat Vision. The fictional telepathic character, also known as the White Queen, started out as one of the X-Men's most dangerous foes…and then became one of its most central members (don’t worry, not necessarily a spoiler alert for the movie). Rosamund Pike was rumored to be up for the role earlier this month…but they decided to go with another hot British chick…and apparently Anness either can’t act or couldn’t get away from school long enough to audition. Matthew Vaughn (“Kick Ass”, “Stardust” & “Layer Cake”) directs the prequel which also stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as a young (bald?) Professor X, and Michael Fassbender (“Inglorious Basterds”) as a young Magneto. There are a lot of other rumors out there…but apparently these three are signed up. More to come I’m sure. Oh, you haven’t seen “She’s Out of My League” yet? Or Maxim’s issue a few months back? Well allow me to introduce you to Miss Alice Eve…

Anyway, I think that’ll do it for tonight. You’re probably fighting off sleep anyway. Thanks for stopping by…and I’ll keep you posted on events coming up this week…and worst-case, you’ll get the pictures next week some time. Have a great day everybody!!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Why Haven't I?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, we won our softball game last night. I’d like to take all the credit but…that wouldn’t be true at all. I was the reserve, which basically meant that I BS’d in the dugout and cheered those in the field on…which I’m totally cool with. Like I’ve said before, baseball isn’t my thing. I don’t have a burning desire to play it like I do for basketball, nor the respective skill set…but when I’m out there, I do alright & try my best, which is all you can really ask for. So yeah, we won…which is awesome. Both my mom & my dad are setting up plans to come visit me. My dad & stepmom are coming for 4th of July week (and now are considering a road trip down to San Fran after seeing some of my pictures) while my mom wants to come for her birthday in August with the whole family (stepdad, brother, niece, nephew, Alicia, etc) so we’ll see how that all works out. Other than that, not a whole lot going on directly right now…but I’ll be sure to keep you posted as the weather warms up. Oh I just can’t wait for the outdoor activities here in Tahoe. It’s going to be amazing. So in the meantime, I guess here’s some news…

And Then There Was One – It’s a sad day as Betty White finds herself the Last Girl Standing. Rue McClanahan, the Emmy-winning actress who brought the sexually liberated Southern belle Blanche Devereaux to life on the hit TV series "The Golden Girls," has died. She was 76. Her manager Barbara Lawrence said McClanahan died Thursday at 1 a.m. of a stroke. She had undergone treatment for breast cancer in 1997 and later lectured to cancer support groups on "aging gracefully." In 2009, she had heart bypass surgery. McClanahan had an active career in off-Broadway and regional stages in the 1960s before she was tapped for TV in the 1970s for the key best-friend character on the hit series "Maude," starring Beatrice Arthur. After that series ended in 1978, McClanahan landed the role as Aunt Fran on "Mama's Family" in 1983. But her most loved role came in 1985 when she co-starred with Arthur, Betty White and Estelle Getty in "The Golden Girls," a runaway hit that broke the sitcom mold by focusing on the foibles of four aging — and frequently eccentric — women living together in Miami. "Golden Girls" aimed to show "that when people mature, they add layers," she told The New York Times in 1985. "They don't turn into other creatures. The truth is we all still have our child, our adolescent, and your young woman living in us." Blanche, who called her father "Big Daddy," was a frequent target of roommates Dorothy, Rose and the outspoken Sophia (Getty), who would fire off zingers at Blanche such as, "Your life's an open blouse." After "The Golden Girls" was canceled in 1992, McClanahan, White and Getty reprised their roles in a short-lived spin-off, "Golden Palace." McClanahan continued working in television, on stage and in film, appearing in the Jack Lemmon-Walter Matthau vehicle "Out to Sea" and yes, as the biology teacher in possibly the best bad movie ever made "Starship Troopers." She later went onto off-Broadway productions but will always be remembered as Blanche (basically Samantha from Sex & the City in about twenty years…okay, ten). My condolences go out to her family. Okay, enough of the sappy stuff, let’s dirty it up a bit…

Horniest Dinosaur Update - A group of US paleontologists said Friday it has unearthed a new species of dinosaurs standing some six feet tall and weighing up to 4.5 tons, with the longest horns of any dinosaur previously discovered. The 72-million-year-old herbivore, now named Coahuilaceratops magnacuerna, has two large horns above its eyes measuring up to an impressive four feet (1.22 meters) long -- the largest of any other species, providing fresh insight into the history of western North America. Scientists uncovered fossils belonging to both an adult and a juvenile of the rhino-sized tubby creature at the Cerro del Pueblo Formation in Coahuila, Mexico. It measured about 22 feet (6.7 meters) long as an adult, standing six to seven feet (1.8 to two meters) tall at the shoulder and hips. "We know very little about the dinosaurs of Mexico, and this find increases immeasurably our knowledge of the dinosaurs living in Mexico during the Late Cretaceous," said the study's lead author Mark Loewen, a paleontologist with the Utah Museum of Natural History. His team is to release a book next week detailing the find, which took place during expeditions in 2002 and 2003 in the Coahuila desert. The study was funded by the National Geographic Society and the University of Utah (GO UTES!!!). When dinosaurs lived in this corner of Mexico, it was a lush, humid estuary where ocean water mixed with fresh water from rivers, similar to the US Gulf Coast today (so all the fossil fuels going into the Gulf Coast is kinda like a homecoming). Many dinosaur bones unearthed in the area are covered with fossilized snails and marine clams, indicating that the creatures lived close to the seashore. The rocks in which the paleontologists found Coahuilaceratops contained large fossil deposits of jumbled duck-bill dinosaur skeletons. According to the scientists, the dinosaurs likely died en mass in the area due to storms similar to present-day hurricanes. During most of the Late Cretaceous Period, 97 to 65 million years ago, high global sea levels led to flooding of the central, low-lying portion of North America. Ultimately, a warm, shallow sea emerged, stretching from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean and splitting the continent into eastern and western landmasses. "We are confident that Mexican dinosaurs will be a critical element in unraveling the ancient mystery of this island continent," said Scott Sampson of the Utah Museum of Natural History. The end of the period also marks the extinction of dinosaurs after a massive six-mile (10-kilometer) long asteroid hit the Earth, according to the most widely accepted theory. The impact is said to have lifted so much dust that the planet was plunged into darkness for several years, killing off a larger number of plants, followed by herbivores and carnivores. Nearly 80% of the Earth's living species died as a result of the disaster (yet the snakes somehow survived, coincidence?). So now you all know the answer to the questions of “What’s the horniest dinosaur?” Sorry Licholatapus!!! You’re still my favorite though.

Sexbot Update – Smooth transition from the past to the future. Bomb squads from around New Mexico got a chance to sharpen their skills by using a remote-controlled robot — not to blow things up, but to make pancakes. The Robot Rodeo was held last week at a tech site at Los Alamos National Laboratory. The three-day event offered hours of hands-on training at the controls of $225,000 robots used for bomb and hazardous waste detection and disposal. Six teams guided robots through 10 challenges, including an obstacle course, simulated attacks, cooperation exercises and activities to test their ability to minutely control the robot, said Chris Ory, a member of Los Alamos lab's hazardous devices team. Controlling the robot was where pancake-making came into play. Teams from the state police and Santa Fe Police Department controlled robots while watching video monitors from vehicles parked outside a small building where two judges sat, ready with syrup and butter to taste their pancakes. Tables on either side of the room held griddles, pancake mix in a pitcher and a spatula. Each team had to mix the batter, then cook four pancakes and bring two plates to the table. Judges Valine Griego and Erica DeSmett, coordinators from Sandia National Laboratory, rejected the state police robot's creation. "It's only cooked on one side," Griego said. Jose Salazar, the state police bomb squad assistant commander controlling the robot, also sampled the pancake. "I'm glad it's pancakes and not public safety," he said. On the Santa Fe team, Officer Scott Waite painstakingly maneuvered the robot through the pour and flip. Waite scooped the pancake from the side for the flip. He lucked out when his second pancake broke in half during the flip, so he created two pancakes out of one. The robot delivered the first plate perfectly. Griego, DeSmett and honorary judge Mary Salazar, a Los Alamos lab intern, poured syrup and took their bites. Salazar pronounced the pancakes "pretty good." So how is this a Sexbot Update? Well… I mean, it goes without saying… but after a long, exhausting night of Passion…who doesn’t want pancakes the next morning? They’re trying to translate the motor skills needed to make the perfect stack of flapjacks for post-coital breakfast in bed. I mean… obviously, right? Why else would you have quarter-million-dollar robots meant for massive explosions (in my pants) going through obstacle courses (like an unkept living room and/or kitchen) and finish it all by having them make pancakes? For a publicity stunt? Not likely.

Marilyn Update - The only known photograph of President John F. Kennedy with Marilyn Monroe was released yesterday. "There is no other known photo of Bobby (Kennedy) with Marilyn or JFK with Marilyn and it's not because they were never photographed together," filmmaker Keya Morgan, who owns the only original prints of it, told CNN. "In fact, they were photographed together many times, but the Secret Service and the FBI confiscated every single photograph." The photo was taken by White House photographer Cecil Stoughton, who said the Secret Service missed one photo. "The Secret Service came in when he was developing the negatives and basically confiscated all the ones of Jack, Bobby with Marilyn. The only one that survived is the one that was in the dryer." The photo occurred after Marilyn Monroe's sexy rendition of "Happy Birthday," sung for President John F. Kennedy's 45th birthday celebration (Mmm… memories…). It was widely rumored the two were having an affair. It marked the actress's last major public appearance before her mysterious death in August 1962. President Kennedy appears to be turning away from the camera, something he rarely did (ugh, looks like he’s subtly checkin’ out the goods to me), while his brother Bobby, the U.S. Attorney General, looks toward them. Historian Arthur Schlesinger Jr., is seen in the photo holding a drink and cigar. He later wrote about it. "The image of this exquisite, beguiling and desperate girl will always stay with me. I do not think I have seen anyone so beautiful; I was enchanted by her manner and her wit, at once so masked, so ingenuous and so penetrating (giggidy!!!). Bobby Kennedy and I engaged in mock competition for her; she was most agreeable to him and pleasant to me, but one never felt her to be wholly engaged," Schlesinger wrote in a passage included in his book "Journals: 1952-2000." The photographer, Cecil Stoughton, said Jackie Kennedy refused to attend the birthday party because Marilyn Monroe was there. "He's the one who told Jackie that Marilyn was going to be at the celebration, and her exact words were 'Screw Jack,' and she left the room and she did not go to the famous celebration," Morgan said. That sounded like an order from First Lady Jackie-O. So here you are. I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen this picture before…so I don’t know about the never before released stuff…but here’s all three of them (JFK, Bobby & Marilyn) in the same place at the same time. Happy birthday, Mr. President!!!

Jean Luc Picard Knighted - Patrick Stewart has been upgraded from Captain to Knight. The actor, most famous for playing Captain Jean-Luc Picard on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", officially became Sir Patrick Stewart when he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday. While "Star Trek" introduced him to a different group of fans, Stewart is also a widely respected stage actor. The 69-year-old actor discovered the theater as a child, and said "my heroes were Sir Laurence Olivier, Sir John Gielgud, Sir Alec Guinness." That’s right, the heroes that inspired Patrick Stewart were Lawrence of Arabia, Arthur’s butler & Obe Wan Kenobi. Think about that. Being "in that company is the grandest thing that has professionally happened to me." Stewart joined Britain's storied Royal Shakespeare Company in his 20s, and in 2008 was nominated for a Tony award for the leading role in "Macbeth." Congratulations, Sir Patrick. Who knew that somebody providing a voice on “American Dad” could possibly get such a prestigious honor? “Smith, do you have any Gatorade? I seem to have left all my electrolytes with your daughter.”

Tony Jaa Update – If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering when the f**k the next Tony Jaa movie is coming out. Really? Nobody out there cares? Well, I’m gonna update you anyway…because it’s kinda crazy. Well, I guess I should just rip it off like a band-aid. The Thai action star Tony Jaa has quit the film industry according to Twitchfilm. According to the site, the actor rode an elephant to a temple in Surin, Thailand, where he shaved his head, took vows, and was officially ordained as a Buddhist monk late last week. However Jaa's time away is not being seen as a permanent move, and the expectation is he will not remain in the monastery forever. Why would he do this? Well Twitchfilm also have a long but utterly fascinating possible explanation involving failed film projects, contractual obligations, Jaa's previous two month disappearance and more…but then again, maybe it’s just his own personal journey. Sure, I can try to say he should get back to revolutionizing martial arts movies and show off his raw physical ability to some of the silliest plots ever…but I also have to look at it from his perspective. He’s a proud Thai man…and a world-renowned representative of his land & people…and they’re in a bit of turmoil right now (Remember the Red Shirts? Yeah, still going on). I’m sure there have been a few trying times with the movie industry too. There was a lot of rumors in the past about trying to get Tony into a major Hollywood pictures…but it’s really hard to do when somebody doesn’t speak any English whatsoever. I mean… think of Jet Li in “Lethal Weapon 4” back in the day. “In Hong Kong, you’d be dead.” I think that was his only line, right? The rest was angry looks and kicking ass. It’s hard to work a feasible character like that into a big budget movie. So what’s a man to do? I don’t know…and maybe he doesn’t know…and that’s why he’s going to try to seek some enlightenment. This is very similar to what football player Ricky Williams did a few years back. In your prime, just getting worldwide notoriety…and then exit stage left in a fairly mysterious way. I watched that “Run Ricky Run” documentary…and it’s a pretty good one. I recommend it. I just hope that Tony finds what he’s looking for. And if that means “Ong Bak 3”, “The Protector 2” or a small role on “Ocean’s 14” with me…then that’s awesome. If not, it’s his life. More power to him.

We’ve all had those impulses, right? One day, we just kinda stop, look around at our situation, and wonder why? Why do I go to do a job that I can’t f**king stand? Why do I need more money? What’s really important to me? Who’s really there for me? Am I being all that I can be? Can I be doing more? What then? Am I giving back to my fellow man? Is this the path that I should be on? Why do I have so much sh*t that I don’t need or even use? Why haven’t I seen the world? What do I really want? What do I really need? What should I be doing with my life? Am I living or just surviving? Then you start getting thoughts like selling all of your worldly possessions, buying a boat & a bicycle, and just going on adventures all over the world with nothing but the clothes on your back, a backpack full of equipment, a pocket full of miracles and…maybe your passport. Maybe not even a boat. You don’t want to deal with Pirates. You go “Into the Wild” style and just hitchhike all over the landmasses, maybe do some rough boat labor to get a ride to the other side of the pond, wander around there, picking up the languages as you go along, your stupid charms warm the hearts of everybody you meet, you keep a journal so that later you can go do what it says on your future resume and “go Kerouac on everybody’s ass.” It doesn’t sound like that bad of an existence, right? Yeah, it’d be a little lonely…but you’d meet people along the way. Some good, some bad, one may be the Love of your life, another may be the prime suspect in your disappearance, then again…that’s pretty much how it is anyway, right? Maybe it’s not just you. Maybe you and your best friend go off on this adventure together. Maybe you set up little grifts to get by and gypsy & hustle your way across the globe enjoying all the experience that life has to offer. You could basically do anything. See the sun rise off the shore of Thailand, set at the Grand Canyon, walk along the entirety of the Great Wall of China, help feed children in Somalia, stroll through the streets of Paris, fish for salmon in the Yukon with only the Northern Lights to illuminate you, go on a true walkabout in Australia, explore the ancient ruins of Peru, learn a new way of life from the few remaining Apache, grow tulips in the Netherlands, pick pineapples in the South Pacific, go through the trials to become a Zulu Warrior, just go and see anything that you’ve ever heard about or dreamed of or had never even thought could possibly be true.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why the hell I haven’t done it. I know I’ve ranted like this before after watching “Into the Wild” but…I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have the self-confidence to give it all up and become a true wandering nomad. Maybe I’m a little scared at the thought of being all by myself. Maybe I’d be too lonely and miss my family. Maybe I want to see my niece & nephew grow up and be adventurous. Maybe I’d like to raise a family someday and I don’t really see that happening during my adventures. Then again, my stupid charms would be working on some beautiful women during my travels. Maybe I think too much about things like finding food, having a bed to sleep in, not smelling like ass, little things like that. Maybe it’s the concerns about what if something bad happens? What if I get hurt? What if the person with me gets hurt or sick? What if we get attacked by muggers? Or pirates? Or grizzly bears? Or a f**king panda? Hmm, okay that last one might kind of a cool way to go…but still, all these what if’s? Well, what if that happens to you now anyway? It’s just one of those reoccurring thoughts that I often have…and it obviously just raises more questions than answers. I admire people like Alisa’s friend Jen who basically does this. Hell, if she’d have me, she may just have a new traveling companion. The other day she posted a bunch of tips for preparing for one of these journeys that she does…and I was reading it and thinking once again “How am I not already doing this?” Moving the past few years has taught me one thing, I don’t need a lot of sh*t. Most of the world has NOTHING except the Love in their heart and they get by just fine. A wise man once said “All you need is Love.” And honestly, a lot of the time you can deal without all that f**king drama anyway. You can tell me that those people living solely on Love & no possessions only live until their forty-something but…if you think about it, 40 years of living versus 100 years of surviving. I don’t know. I may be talking myself into never updating this blog again. You all may just have to wait until my memoirs come out in 20 years or so when I come out of my world tour with facial hair, new scars & a bunch of stories (and don’t worry, I’d find a way to take pictures too). Sometimes I feel kinda bad for thinking like this. Damn Christian principles of moderation & contentment. I’ve truly been blessed and have seen MANY beautiful and wonderful things in my life…and I want more. Like a f**king crack fiend.

I feel like I haven’t even scratched the surface. It’s a weird thing. I know how lucky I am. Surrounded by incredible people, living in what’s probably the most beautiful place in all of the world, having a job that I actually enjoy doing very much & allows me to travel quite a bit, a plethora of charms & skills at my disposal, a positive nature that only wants to help people and make them smile and be happy every single day, a big beautiful body in excellent physical condition, a brilliant mind (if I say so myself) that always seems to find the best in everything & everyone and is constantly yearning to grow and be the best that it can be, and yet… I feel like there’s something missing… and the worst part is that I have no idea what it is. It’s not like a depressing void that can only be filled with hard drugs & soft tail or anything like that. I just get the feeling that I could…and therefore SHOULD be doing more. Then the question is “What should you be doing?” (shrug shoulders) No clue. Peace Corps? Kerouac? Go on adventures & share my insights with the world? Find the cure to cancer? Repopulate the Earth with gigantic children? Clean up the Gulf Coast? Go out and hug every person that I walk by on the streets? Write children’s books? Rob banks? Become a freelance handsome companion aka non-profit gigolo? Go to China and train Pandas to fight for their lives? Become an erotic novelist? Sail the world like a trash bag in an updraft? At the very least, when I get home from work, do something besides workout, cook, blog or talk on the phone? Like…I don’t know, paint pinecones or something? Be a positive male role model to inner city kids? See, I’ve found that this is what happens when you have an overactive mind, a lot of imagination & a little free time when you’re not completely focused on something. Who would have ever thought that Tony Jaa would inspire me to ramble on like this? So yeah. Been thinking a lot. As usual. Am I gonna become a nomadic truth-seeker by morning? Probably not. Am I going to shave my head & learn kung fu at a monastery? Anything’s possible. Will you never hear from me again…or at least until the aforementioned memoirs comes out? Hell no. You mean too much to me…and I would send postcards. Have I inspired you to cast away your mental shackles and go forth to explore the world on your own? I sincerely doubt it…but if so, I wish you nothing but the best.

What will tomorrow bring? Who knows? Will I just go back into my routine like any other weekday? There’s nothing wrong with a normal life. Will I load Gretchen up with what I need to survive and head for the coast? Don’t think that I don’t have the balls to do something like that. The Dude abides…and honestly, if Ginger wants her rent money then she can come get it after she makes the minor fixes…or sell my bed, couch, projector TV, PS3, DVD collection (CD’s will be coming with me), & all the other crap that I leave behind in my apartment to make the difference. I’m sure my roommate wouldn’t even notice for a while. “Dude, I thought you were just on vacation again.” If the dealership wants Gretchen back, they’ll have to find us first…and I’d have a few months headstart. I have a few buddies who drive trucks across the country anyway. My transportation needs would be met somehow. Would I miss my job? I’d hate to leave them high and dry…and I’d miss the people that I work with…but it wouldn’t be enough to stop me from a fantastic voyage. Am I really going to do this? More than likely not. However, you can see why this might have a grand appeal to me…so don’t be too surprised when/if I take this massive collection of awesomeness that is me & leave this career of mediocre servitude in order to fulfill my seemingly insatiable appetite for all things real, imaginary & spiritual. Then again, who knows? Maybe I find the right lady some day soon…and we decide to go off on a whimsical romantic adventure of exploration. Anything’s possible…and even more possible when you realize how little sh*t you really need to get by. The sad thing is that I also wonder “Is this how the Unabomber started? Did he have thoughts like this before he went off in the woods & convinced himself to start his own personal jihad on materialism or whatever?” It does sound a little crazy…but then again, if you’ve been reading this or know me at all, then you know I’m a little crazy…and will full-heartedly admit it. I prefer the term “eccentric” but I’m not rich enough to use that kind of language just yet. Hence the title of my blog, the Eclectic Eccentric. Basically a lot of great things thrown together with a little crazy. I’m just saying…maybe it’s time to take this collection on the road. I don’t know. What do you think? Are you interested? Wanna come along with? Am I nucking futz? Do I have a problem with rational thought? That’s just it, I don’t think I do. I know the dangers. I’m an educated man. I’ve got the meaningless pieces of paper & financial debt to prove it (okay, so there’s no financial debt but still). I’m aware of the risks & rewards, pros & cons, ups & downs, goodies & baddies, all the possibilities on either end of the spectrum. Believe me, if there’s one thing that I do too much, it’s think about everything. It has its good & bad qualities. Looking at it though, it just seems like a bold & amazing choice…and kinda what I’m looking for in a way…and in some other ways not…but obviously, so far the former is outweighing the latter. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just feel unattached and am looking for something to latch onto subconsciously. It’s like my mom told me last week, “Every Paradise has its Price.”

So I asked my mom if I was crazy for thinking about it. Wanna know what she said? “No it is not crazy. I have had the thought myself many times. What stops me is I don't trust people enough to take care of me, so I have to take care of myself. So you want out of the daily grind huh!!! You just need to get a couple babies to worry about and then you will want to do everything you can to protect them from the world. (smiley face)” That’s her answer for everything – Having babies. Hey mom, what do you think I should major in at college? “Having babies” What’s for dinner? “Having babies” Gross. Did you hear about Angelina & Brad Pitt? “Having babies.” Sigh…lucky guess. Anyway, you get the point. So is it I want out of the daily grind? Eh, I’ve grown comfortable with the daily grind…but then again, I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone. I don’t really think that has much to do with it. Routine has its rewards in consistency.

In summation, maybe I just need to get out there and do more, which will be a lot easier with the weather warming up. Maybe I’m just bored…and a little lonely…and thinking about drastic changes like some people think about wallpaper. “Let’s just paint the whole house maroon.” I guess whatever goes down, I’ll be sure to keep you posted. I do know how lucky I am to have this incredible life…and I almost feel like I’m kinda disrespecting it by basically threatening to scrap it & go looking for a new one. It’s just thoughts that I have…and like I’ve said repeatedly, the more I think about it, why not? Anyway, thanks for listening to me rambling on & on & on about this for a while now. Who knows? Maybe I inspired you somehow (doubt it). I guess for right now, I’ll just continue going to work & keep my possessions for now. You know, in case I need them later on. Saturday is Truckee Clean-Up Day with a town-wide block party afterwards which should be awesome. Do some charity work, meet some new people, hang out with neighbors & coworkers, have a few lunch beers, maybe they’ll have brats on the grill or something, good times…and who knows where the evening may take us? That’s the plan. Hope you all enjoy my little spiels. If you’re worried about me or would like to discuss this further, please feel free to contact me. You all know the digits. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

You're Just What I Needed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, my mom’s off to Asia. She called me this morning as she was boarding the plane…and apparently she’s going to miss me. I’m sure she’ll get over that when she sees the Forbidden City, Okinawa, and everything else over the next month. Oh well, I’ll just have to do with the metropolis of San Francisco, the majesty of the Pacific Coast, an entire city populated by Angels, another city ripe with sin & decadence, then a week back home…all while spending time with those that I love. I’m sure I’ll get over it too. Anyway, that’s really about it for me so…back to you, $teve.

Johnny English Sequel – Have you seen “Johnny English” yet? Well you should. Also, Universal Pictures and Working Title are assembling a sequel to the spy comedy "Johnny English" says Variety. The 2003 James Bond satire had Rowan Atkinson starring as an inept British Intelligence worker called into service after every secret agent in the country is wiped out in an explosion at a funeral. He soon uncovers a plot by French prison entrepreneur Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) to steal the British Crown Jewels. The original cost a modest $40 million and even though it flopped in the U.S. ($28 million), it did very well overseas with a global $161 million haul. Oliver Parker ("St. Trinian's") is onboard to direct with the budget expected to be around the same. The move is seen as an example of the struggling studio's new plans to avoid high-cost, high-risk fare. Hamish McColl ("Mr. Bean's Holiday") penned the screenplay and Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are producing. Filming kicks off in August. So there you go. Also, I think I know of the perfect big name American actor who could fill the shoes of Malkovich in the sequel…and may be looking for a good paying gig…

Nicolas Cage Update – Ladies, Nicolas Cage may be looking for a home. Okay, probably not, but now that I have your attention, a Bel-Air mansion owned by Nicolas Cage has found no takers in a foreclosure auction. The opening bid for the actor's 12,000-square-foot home was $10.4 million, but there are $18 million worth of loans on the property (that’s $1500 per square foot or over $10 per square inch). The Tudor mansion boasts six bedrooms, a central tower, home theater and an Olympic-sized pool. The house reverted to the foreclosing lender at Wednesday's auction in Pomona. Even though he's one of Hollywood's highest-paid stars, Cage has money troubles. He owes millions in unpaid taxes and in January his foreclosed home in Las Vegas sold for nearly $5 million. Cage sued his former business manager in October for $20 million, claiming the man's advice led him toward financial ruin (never should’ve invest in our children’s future). The ex-manager says Cage is a spendthrift. It’s amazing how this happens to some stars & big wigs…but it’s really hard to feel sorry for them at the same time. How much was he asking for his house? Oh about a thousand times what I made last year after taxes? Sounds a little rich for my blood. Maybe if I get a good rate on a loan… nah, Bel Air’s not my cup o’ tea. Best of luck to you sir. I hope that you get a fair price for your property and are able to get out of financial debt…because I don’t want you to have to do another Ghost Rider. No one should be subjected to that.

Beer Strike - Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites (GASP!!!), a company spokesman said. The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites (f**k your water coolers, America!!!). The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said. Carlsberg had mulled a stricter drinking policy for years and finally decided to impose the new rules on April 1st (seriously, April Fool’s Day? Is this a joke?), prompting protests from the staff. Bekke said around 800 workers went on strike Wednesday and around 250 walked (or rather stumbled) off their jobs Thursday, resulting in interruptions to beer transports in and around Copenhagen. Carlsberg's truck drivers joined the strike in sympathy — even though they are exempt from the new rules, Bekke said. Oh…and yeah, you read that correctly. The truck drivers…are exempt from the rules involving not being drunk while working. Specifically, the truck drivers are permitted to bring three beers from the canteen because they often don't have time to have lunch there. You know, it’s like the Danish equivalent of ADA but for the drunk driver that’s always on the go. Sigh… don’t worry, the trucks have alcohol ignition locks preventing the drivers from driving drunk…or at least over the legal limit. So in case you’re wondering why your local grocery store doesn’t have Carlsberg brand on the shelf right now…well, there’s a lot of reasons why…but this is just the newest. I’ve toured a few breweries where the employees get to test their draft…and it was like walking through a screening of Billy Bonka & the Beer Factory. There was a guide in a crazy get-up, answering questions in little quips before breaking into song, a river of lager with a boat made of pretzeled bread, short migrant workers speaking what must’ve been Elfish, twinkling neon shimmering off massive vats of barley-based ecstasy. During our testing after the tour, a few samples in, I swear I could hear the tour guide singing, “Take one drink, then you’ll sink, into a wooooorld of pure inebriation…” but then again, I’m pretty sure that was a Family Guy episode. Damn alcohol (and head injuries) has rotted my memory. My God! Do you think other beer companies would go on strike? Will this disease spread south into the Netherlands, Bavaria, the Czech Republic, maybe even…cross oceans? No, no I refuse to even think about it. I refuse to even imagine a world that’s as dry in every way as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That would truly be the end of the world. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. There’s no way that would happen. Besides, haven’t you been saying for years now that snakes will destroy us all before striking brewery workers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or a Miley Cyrus Oscar?” First off, thank you for heading my warnings…and secondly, when you’re right, you’re right…but I had already thought of that…

Apocalypse Update – We’ll never make it to a world without beer? Well, the evil snake forces of the Apocalypse have already infiltrated Germany. Authorities in the German city of Muelheim spent over 100,000 Euros on a three week mission to recover ONE missing snake -- only to discover it had died (or sacrificed for the good of the snake forces). "We had to do everything in our power to find this cobra," said Volker Wiebels, spokesman for the city council. After the highly poisonous monocled cobra (yes, cobra…apparently wearing a lensed eyepiece) escaped from its container in March, fire services cleared the entire apartment block, removed all the furniture and gutted the owner's flat (before stuffing it into intestinal lining & marinating it in beer). They then sealed all the doors and windows of the building, so the 30 cm (1 foot) long reptile couldn't get out, and set large sticky traps to catch it, Wiebels said. Officials finally found the snake lying dead in the rooftop apartment of its 19-year-old owner on Thursday. By that time the cost of the operation had ballooned to about 100,000 Euros (about $135,000). Taxpayers are likely on the hook for 40,000 Euros, because an escaped snake is considered public hazard, Wiebels said. The rest falls on the owner, who paid 70 Euros for the snake at a local reptile trade fair. It was unclear if the city would get its money back, because the man is currently unemployed. "The snake may have been cheap, but unfortunately what happened next wasn't," Wiebels said. To summarized, one foot-long cobra…brought an entire city of 170,000 people to its knees…and cost six digits to find…and when found, it was conveniently dead & gutted in the apartment where he first went missing. The snakes are using our own policies against us. They know that if there’s a venomous snake entered into an environment of a worldwide financial leader like Germany…and in an area where it could survive…then they could bring down their enemy from the top-down. New children’s tales about evil one-eyed snakes (remember, he was monocled) that spit poison into your eyes, both killing Germans & stopping them from reproducing (“Ew, get that one-eyed snake away from me!”). Also, costing obscene amounts of money searching for them…when they’d obviously have to retreat to the ground to survive the bitter cold. Alas, the people of Muelheim wouldn’t stop searching until they found it…so the slithery council decided to sacrifice Raput, the assassin from India for the greater good…and placed his body in an area that was easy for the authorities to find, unable to be tortured for their plans of poisoning the water supply (why I only drink beer & whiskey). Still think I’m crazy? Well then, you explain it Detective. In the meantime…just stay outta my way…and when the Apocalypse comes…I’ll try not to say I told you so…

Mind Reading Machines – Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What the f**k is he thinking?” Probably a few times reading this blog…but help is on the way to answering that somewhat rhetorical question. Mind reading may no longer be the domain of psychics and fortune tellers — now some computers can do it, too. Software that uses brain scans to determine what items people are thinking about was among the technological innovations showcased Wednesday by Intel Corp., which drew back the curtain on a number of projects that are still under development (yet still kept the curtains over the Weather Dominator). The software analyzes functional MRI scans to determine what parts of a person's brain is being activated as he or she thinks. In tests, it guessed with 90% accuracy which of two words a person was thinking about, said Intel Labs researcher Dean Pomerleau (Boobs or Booty?). Eventually, the technology could help the severely physically disabled to communicate. And Pomerleau sees it as an early step toward one day being able to control technology with our minds (and probably the other way around too…but shhhh…it’s a secret). "The vision is being able to interface to information, to your devices and to other people without having an intermediary device," he said. For now, the project's accomplishments are far more modest — it can only be used with prohibitively expensive and bulky fMRI equipment and hasn't yet been adapted to analyze abstract thoughts. The system works best when a person is first scanned while thinking of dozens of different concrete nouns — words like "bear" or "hammer." When test subjects are then asked to pick one of two new terms and think about it, the software uses the earlier results as a baseline to determine what the person is thinking. The software works by analyzing the shared attributes of different words. For example, a person who is thinking of a bear uses the same parts of the brain that light up when he or she thinks of a puppy or something else furry. A person thinking of a bear also shows activity in the amygdala — home of the fight-or-flight response. While Intel primarily makes computer processors and other hardware, it often works to develop and demonstrate new technologies in an effort to stimulate the market and advance its reputation. Other innovations on display at Wednesday's Intel event in Manhattan included:



  • Cell phone technology that would use motion, GPS and audio data gathered through users' cell phones to track what they're doing and who they're with (and who they’re doing and what with). The technology can distinguish activities such as walking, giving a business presentation and driving. It also compares audio readings from different cell phones to determine who is in the same room (remember Dark Knight?). This would allow users to share their activity information with their close friends and watch avatar versions of their friends throughout the day. It would also let users track and analyze data about how they spend their time. Yeah, that’s the application they’re selling you on…but we all know what it’ll really be used for. Big Brother stuff.


  • "Dispute Finder" technology that monitors users' conversations and Internet browsing to warn them when they encounter contested or inaccurate information. The software mines the Internet to find instances in which writers have claimed something is untrue. It then uses speech recognition technology to monitor conversations. So…like a bullsh*t finder? Uh oh. The days of my blog may be limited…but this’ll eventually become a lie detector or something.


  • A transparent holographic shopping display that could be used in department stores to point consumers to featured items. Shoppers could also use the giant screen to search the store's inventory, call up maps, and send item information to their cell phones. Oh yeah, holographic employees to help you. “Excuse me, I’m sorry… could you make this a redhead with a higher skirt & a low cut? Thank you. Hello Miss, I’m looking for a new camera.”


  • A TV set-top box that connects wirelessly to your laptop and monitors your Internet search history, as well as your TV viewing, to offer relevant video. Why? So the wife can know that I’m watching porn on my laptop while she’s taking the kids to soccer practice? “Roger, why does it keep telling us that ‘The Lord of the G-Strings’ just started on another channel?” “I don’t know. Oh, maybe it’s because I was watching Lord of the Rings the other night. That’s it.” “Now it’s recording ‘Miss Wu and her Amazing Panda Show’ what the hell?” “Oh really? Miss Wu is on? Holy crap honey, you’ve got to see this. Kids!!! Bedtime!!!”


So in other words, combined with Sexbots, iPads, and all that other technological crap, we may very well be on our way to living in a Philip K. Dick story. Then again, that may be the least of our worries if the snakes have anything to do with it. Man, this entry started out with a Johnny English sequel and then just kinda went downhill after that. Sorry about that. If only there was a story around that had something good to end on…like a message of hope…or a tale of my native state of Utah…or just a cute picture of a puppy…or even a funny pun…

In Deep Shih Tzu – How about all of the above, b**ches??? A stray dog is recovering after getting run over by a freight train — TWICE. Fred Krause of Utah Railway Company says he spotted the cream-colored Shih Tzu on the tracks Sunday near a high school in a Salt Lake City suburb. Krause, who was operating a train, says there was no way to stop before it ran over the dog, which was small enough to avoid actually being hit. Krause says he spotted the same dog on the return trip and this time the pup wasn't so lucky. The dog was running on the tracks and got whacked by the train's snowplow. Krause drove back to the site later and found the dog, which was still dazed and lying on the tracks (ugh…it got hit by a train). Krause and his family in Clinton are nursing the dog back to health and are calling him "The Little Guy." Why? Because everybody roots for the little guy…and had he not been so lucky, he’s be called “Shih Tzu Stain” or something. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Yeah, that’ll do it for today. Sorry for my message of impending doom before the weekend…but hey, the weather’s lovely so go check it out. Do something with someone that you Love. Hell, do something with everybody that you Love. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Mmm Chile Mac

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Today was a fairly uneventful day at work...but busy as usual. I like busy. It means I might have a job for a while...and I sure don't want to move again. Anyway, on that note, here's the news...


We’ve All Misspelled Chili – What do you expect from a country whose name is misspelled to begin with? I mean…it’s not like they were named after the explorer America Vespucci. What? His name was Amerigo? Oh. Does the President know about this typo? It’s okay, I’ll send him a text. He’s probably in a meeting or something. Anyway, Chile's mint has sacked its managing director after he sent into circulation thousands of coins bearing an incorrect spelling of the country's name (Chili? Chilly? Chillee? So many possibilities). The 50-peso coins, worth around 10 U.S. cents each, were issued in 2008 with Chile spelled "Chiie" -- an error that was only noticed late last year. "Director Gregorio Iniguez has been fired over a series of issues, including the misspelled coins, which have brought the institution into disrepute," a mint official told Reuters on Friday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Some of the coins are still in circulation. They still carry their value. Some collectors are buying them up because they feel they are rare." We all make mistakes…and this one isn’t really that big of one. The director of a mint is a busy man…and IF he signed off on the proofs, maybe he didn’t have his reading glasses on or something and he didn’t notice the little dash that differs an i from an l. See? Even you had to check twice. Oh yeah, I caught you. Don’t deny it. Anyway, if there were other issues (like I’d probably get fired for fornicating with female coworkers on the paper press and counting “One million two hundred and twenty thousand, one million two hundred and thirty thousand, one million two hundred and forty thousand…”) then I guess the firing was warranted. If not, then shame on the Chilean Mint. Mmm… Andes mints…

Robin Hood – Don’t worry, it’s not an update of the Ridley Scott / Russell Crowe movie coming out soon. Instead this Robin Hood is accused of stealing…and NOT to give to the poor. Also, there’s no need for horrible fake British accents from Nottinghamshire…as this story comes from my home this time last year, Denver of the Colorado region. Authorities said a 34-year-old named Robin Joshua Hood found someone's wallet in downtown Denver and apparently began using the man's name in a ploy to avoid being caught on a warrant (ah yes, apparently the Sheriff is not pleased with his antics either). Hood told investigators he was being investigated for drug charges. Hood was charged Friday with identity theft and impersonation (“Unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent”). Authorities said Hood's true identity was uncovered after an employee at a record store stopped him as he allegedly was leaving without paying for three baseball caps on January 6th (I’m sure to give to homeless children on the 16th Street Pedestrian Mall…I mean, who needs three caps? Really?). He was issued a court summons in that case. That reminds me of the time that I decided to have a fake ID, a kind of hiding in plain sight as it were. “Okay sir, your total is $118.30. How would you like to pay for this?” “Credit.” “Okay…and may I see your ID Mister…Batman?” “DOCTOR Batman…and yes, here you go.” Then a quick smoke bomb later & I was off to rooftops. Take that, McLovin.

Online Dating: Not Just for Nerds? - If you spent Valentine's Day looking for love online then you are among the one in three Internet users who regard the web as a good place to find a relationship, according to a new study. The BBC World Service global poll showed that 30% of web users regard the Internet as a good place to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. The poll, conducted among nearly 11,000 Internet users across 19 countries, revealed that India and Pakistan are among the countries with the greatest numbers of enthusiasts for Internet introductions. 59% of Indians and 60% of Pakistanis who use the Internet regard it as a good place to find a partner. "This shows what a major role the Internet now plays in the lives of millions of people around the world," GlobeScan Research Director Sam Mountford said in a statement. "For many, and particularly in the developing world, it's not just somewhere to work, shop, or communicate with friends, but a credible way of finding a partner in life." Other countries where high proportions of Internet users feel the same way include Ghana (47% and yes, they have the internet there) and the Philippines (42%). By contrast, fewer Americans (21%), South Koreans (16%), British (28%), and French (27%) think the idea of finding a partner online a good one. However, the results also suggest that those with a higher level of education are less likely to regard the Internet as a good place for romance (28% of those with a university education felt it was, compared to 36% of those who had not completed high school). The results are drawn from a larger survey of public attitudes toward the Internet, to be released on March 8th. So what do you think? What’s that? Oh you wanna know what I think first? Okay then.

As I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before, I’ve tried the online dating thing before with eHarmony. It didn’t turn out well. What happened is I would be matched up with a lot of single moms, and we’d chat & do answer the questions about each other that the other person wanted to know (you know I love answering questions about my favorite subject) and everything would go smoothly…until my picture was released. Then it would cool off completely. Yeah, great for the self-esteem, let me tell ya. It wasn’t my best picture…but it was a few years ago & I wasn’t blogging or anything, so I was even less web-savvy than I am now. I knew I should’ve just put a picture of Ryan Reynolds or something. However, I’ve been thinking recently…and maybe I should give it another chance. I don’t know. Obviously my method of meeting women currently is working with them or helping them play Bingo on a Saturday night…but either way, it’s been unsuccessful for the most part. Also, I live in a pretty small town of about 10,000 or so…and I guess I could meet ladies on the slopes…but nobody goes to the slopes alone to pick up chicks and/or get picked up on by dudes. That’s just creepy. So I’m to the point where it’s…how else am I going to meet these single women? Maybe one of these next free weekends with eHarmony or match.com or whatever, I’ll see what’s out there. Then again, if any of you out there have any suggestions, I’m all ears. And yes, Mad Scientist, I’ve tried the coffee shop thing here too. Twas a sausage fest except for the baristas who were both happily married. Anyway, it could be a good idea…and some of these websites are reputable…but I’ve learned early on to never trust anything on the internet at face value. That sum’bich from the Ivory Coast taught me that one. Prince with a liquidity problem, my left nut. I think it could be a good place though. I mean…that’s where people are communicating most of the time. Whether it’s Facebook, email, twitter, instant messaging, dating sites, chatrooms, blogs, all that and more, people are on the web…and some of them are pretty lonely when they’re offline…and it really shouldn’t be that way. We all have so much Love to give…but we don’t want to get burned…and who’s to say that the sassy 23-year old that likes the same nerdy things you do isn’t just a 45-year old sexual predator who found the picture in a high school yearbook? There are creeps out there…but there are some great people out there too. It’s all a risk…but then again, nothing risked, nothing gained. Anyway, what do you think about the possibility of meeting your future Love online? I’ll keep you posted on my future “dating” life but until then…

Sexbot Update - A new remote-controlled robot (not pictured) available this fall will likely be the first of many programmable toys aimed at children. Called the Spy Video TRAKR (pronounced "Tracker" & not a child of Sarah Palin), the camera-equipped robot can digitally transmit color, video, audio and data to a hand-held controller. A USB connection will also let kids hook up their bot to a computer and create, download and share custom software applications, or "apps." "They'll come up with things that toy companies would never think of," said Daniel Grossman, CEO of Wild Planet Entertainment, the toy's developer. "We believe that the most-downloaded apps will be the ones created by kids. App-sharing in toys will be fueled by kids. It's empowering when other people are interested in something you create. Kids will take pride when programs they designed are downloaded by other kids." All TRAKR apps will be free, Grossman added. The TRAKR will cost $120 and is aimed at kids ages 8 and up. It will come with three apps pre-installed, including a night-vision app that lets kids see everything in the bot's path even in complete darkness (now you see where this is starting to be a sexbot update). A collection of free apps will also be available for download when the toy hits retail shelves in October. Kids can maneuver the bot using a hand-held controller, viewing its progress and navigating through a 1.8-inch screen. Because TRAKR is a treaded vehicle, users steer it like a bulldozer, pressing the right controller to turn left and vice versa. The toy has an operating range of between 100 and 150 feet, depending on conditions, 8 megabytes of RAM, 2 megabytes of flash memory for apps, and an SD card slot for storing audio and video clips. For anyone remotely in touch with their inner child, it won't take much imagination to see how Spy Video TRAKR's ability to run custom apps, travel in the dark, transmit and store still and video images and record and play sounds gives it enormous potential for kid-pleasing mischief (or as we call it, adult perversion). An online application modulator will enable beginners to tweak existing apps as they start learning how to write code for the TRAKR in the C++ programming language. Free software that will give kids all the tools they need to begin writing and sharing their own programs will be available at SpyTRAKR.com. "We're teaching kids how to write their own applications and program their toys to do exactly what they want them to do," told TechNewsDaily. Toymakers have a long history of incorporating new technologies into their products, said Jon-Paul Dyson, director of the National Center for the History of Electronic Games at Strong National Museum of Play in Rochester, N.Y (how’s that for a title?). "Thomas Edison created a talking doll more than a hundred years ago. What has changed is the pace with which technologies are being incorporated into toys." Ever since the 1970s, toy manufacturers have increasingly included digital components in their products, Dyson said. Milton Bradley became one of the companies to computerize toys when it introduced a programmable electric tank called Big Trak over 30 years ago. As computer chips have become faster, more powerful, and cheaper, toy makers have continued to find new and creative ways to include digital components in their products, Dyson said. "Toys always reflect the culture that creates them. So it's not surprising that toys have more and more high-tech features. We're also seeing an increasing integration of toys with online experiences as kids spend more and more time in virtual spaces." Hmm, kinda leads back into the last story a bit…you know when they turn eighteen, of course. So there you go, kids will be able to program robots to do their bidding…and basically they’re mini spies…with night vision…and audio/visual recording capabilities. So the new sexbot sextape industry will go through the roof but more importantly, it’s a great way to test the whole downloadable program capabilities for their other “toys” that were on display at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Vegas last month. And don’t think for a minute that every time you download a new application that it won’t check that RAM for any “interesting” footage. Parents, keep an eye out. You never know when TRAKR may be standing in the doorway watching you guys hug like crazy rabbits.

Anyway, with that image of your parents in Paris Hilton night vision, I’m going to stop talking. I hope that you’re all having a wonderful day and workweek. Oh guess what, my mom may be coming to visit in a few weeks. Why? Because she loves me…and wants to see me some time in the next six months. See, during my soon-to-be legendary road trip in two months, we won’t be meeting up because…as luck would have it, she’ll be in Asia on a cruise (without me) so we won’t see each other then…and it’ll probably be after the 4th of July when she can get vacation again with her job because of the cruise. So yeah, my mama may be coming to check out her boy’s new life…and I think she’ll be impressed with the decision. She usually is. I just hope it’s not a time when there’s a blizzard so I can show her how awesome this place is. We’ll see. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!! One Love.

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