Showing posts with label snakes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snakes. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

GO SEE "ROPE"!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
 
It’s been a busy few days with SF Beer Week activities and some minor household issues (leakage in rental apartment) but aside from that… pretty nice. Here’s just the rundown on a few movies that we saw over the week… and a special trip into the jungle… sorta.
 
First up is Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “Rope” starring Jimmy Stewart. Two college chums kill a former classmate in their apartment in the first few seconds… place his body in a trunk… and then immediately hold a dinner party with his family & friends… placing some of the food & decorations right on the trunk in the middle of the room… to pull off the “perfect crime”. I’m still not quite sure how that part was going to work out… but this was made in 1948. Maybe it was a LOT easier to get away with murder back then. Anyway, one of the friends invited though… is their former college instructor (Stewart) who starts to suspect a few things as the evening progresses… and the guest of honor doesn’t show. Now, it’s a fairly simple premise & obviously adapted from a play (since it takes place all in one room over the course of about 80 minutes). However, as you may have heard, Hitchcock knows how to properly build suspense… and is a master of the craft of moviemaking. The entire movie is maybe a dozen (or less) continuous shots of dialogue, following them across the room, other actors entering & exiting, while maintaining the focus of the audience’s attention exactly where it needs to be. One of my favorite scenes in particular, is one towards the end when the party is wrapping up… and the camera basically focuses with the trunk on the left, the hallway to the dining room, and off camera to the right is the actors that you’re hearing. The maid is cleaning up the presentation on top of the trunk… and over the course of about three minutes, the camera doesn’t move… she’s cleaned off the trunk… and now is heading back with some books to place in the trunk… GASP!!! Okay, so to stop right there, go check this movie out. Like right now! If you haven’t seen it & you like suspense movies, rent this & see how it’s done. Great flick! I’d happily watch it again. Besides… it’s Jimmy Stewart in his prime…
 

Next up was “30 for 30: The Price of Gold” which is ESPN’s sponsored documentary about the 1994 attack on figure skater Nancy Kerrigan that was later found to be linked to rival skater Tonya Harding and her husband Jeff Gilluli among others. This film focuses on Tonya Harding from growing up in Portland, Oregon… being raised as a bit of a blonde lower-middle-class tom boy… rising the ranks of the figure skating world… and after just missing out on the 1992 Winter Olympics… now she had another chance in 1994… but it wasn’t going to be easy. You’ve all heard the story I’m sure. During trials, Nancy Kerrigan is whacked in the knees by an unknown attacker… then within days, it’s found that the whole thing was orchestrated by Tonya’s husband Jeff Gilluli… but then it’s a question of “Was Tonya behind it?” There’s a lot of hearsay & circumstantial evidence… so Tonya is allowed to go to the Olympics… with Nancy who trained ferociously to go (in place of Michelle Kwan). However, this movie goes into a little more detail than even I knew… so yeah, definitely give it a gander. It’s worth it. It’s quite the interesting character study if you want to put it that way.
 
Last up is “Harlem Nights” starring Eddie Murphy & Richard Pryor. Murphy also wrote, produced & directed the movie… so you know it’s good, right? Sugary Ray (Pryor) owns an illegal casino in 1930’s Harlem and along with his trusted right-hand man Quick (Murphy), they struggle against a lot of organized crime, corrupt cops & other factors trying to force them out of business. It was recommended by Max on Netflix as an action-comedy… and with a cast featuring these two comedy legends as well as Redd Foxx, Arsenio Hall, Miguel Nunez, Della Reese and yes… even Charlie Murphy, it did have its funny moments. However, it was not exactly rip-roaring fun by any means. Mostly it was just a lot of curse words… some somewhat funny scenarios, but poorly executed… and a few parts were just plain bad. And no, I didn’t go into this movie expecting it to be a true-to-history piece about 1930’s Harlem or anything like that… but yeah, it just wasn’t that thrilling. The most disturbing part I think was watching the Madame played by Della Reese (“Touched by an Angel”) and just… well, she’s horribly foul-mouthed… gets in a street fight with Quick… just not exactly what you’d expect from Della. I’d say pass on this one… but thought that I’d share it with you.
 
Saturday, while running around during SF Beer Week, we stopped by Easy Bay Vivarium (reptile habitat) because… you may not know this… but Dizzy loves animals. Basically anything with four legs or less, she considers absolutely adorable… even reptiles. Don’t worry, I took a few pictures of some of the selections readily available at this establishment for you… and we'll call it an APOCALYPSE UPDATE on the size of some of these bastards...
 








"THAT'S A HUUUGE B**CH!!!"



We also stopped by an aquarium where...
they were obviously slashing prices by...
about .04%

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. GO SEE ROPE!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

More Signs of the Apocalypse

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I hung out with Pork Chop at his new place in Tahoe Donner… and it’s pretty nice. A little far away from work in stuff which would be a pain in the winter… but yeah, very nice. We had a few beers, talked about this and that, being a fellow Eagles fan he was a little pissed that I’m going to the Eagles-49ers game… but even more pissed that it was on his birthday, 10/10/10. That was going to be his birthday / housewarming party for the place & he wanted me to be there… but oh well, next time I’m sure. We’re actually gonna head over to Reno for the Great Western Rib Cook-Off next week, followed by some bowling, so that should be fun. Oh, also, Pork Chop’s roommate made us some WONDERFUL salmon with ginger slivers, grilled squash & zucchini, and some potatoes for dinner. That’s living.

The other night, I watched “Youth in Revolt” starring Michael Cena, Ray Liotta, Fred Willard and… Michael Cena again. Now, I don’t understand the appeal of Michael Cena (or his doppelganger Jesse Eisenberg) but hey, he’s only mildly amusing to me at best, usually irritating. Yeah, I’m rooting for The World in that Scott Pilgrim movie that just came out. Anyway, this movie is about a teenager (Cena) who meets a lovely interesting girl, falls in love (in his eyes), and then has to move back to Oakland. Now he wants to move back to be with her… utilizing various schemes created by his evil & suave alternate persona Francois (also Cena), which includes everything from lying to vandalizing to manipulation to spreading unfounded rumors to burning down half of Berkeley. Spoiler alert: It is kinda funny at some points… but in the end, I was just kind of sitting there like “So… wait, what? If I’m a persistent felon offender, then I get the girl in the end? That’s what I’m doing wrong?” So… yeah, check it out if you like Michael Cena. You see plenty of his awkwardness. Then again, maybe my final thought on the movie wasn’t completely unfounded…

Do-Gooders Shunned like Moochers - The fact that groups of people typically choose to expel selfish individuals is no surprise. But new research suggests such troops often want to kick out generous members as well. This counterintuitive behavior could be rooted in how such giving people make others feel bad, or simply in how they stand out from the crowd, researchers suggest. Initially, psychologists were investigating if groups would tolerate individuals who contributed little toward group endeavors but also mooched little of the subsequent payoffs. The researchers told 104 college students they were each in groups of five, in which each member interacted via computer. In reality the other four members were played by the computer -- three of the programmed members made consistently moderate choices, while the fourth typically made more extreme decisions. Each group member was given 10 points. The students were told they could invest as many of the points as they wanted into a bank, and were told how much the other members invested. The number of points in the bank was then doubled, and each member could then choose to harvest up to a fourth of the points in the bank. Any leftover points were then doubled, and the process started over again for several rounds. The students were told that at the end, the points would be converted to tickets in a lottery for coupons to campus eateries. At the end of this experiment, four students were selected at random to get food coupons. When asked whether they would like members to stay or leave the group, as expected the volunteers wanted to expel selfish moochers who invested little but harvested much, while they were indifferent to those who invested as much as they harvested. Surprisingly, however, generous members proved as unpopular as the bad apples. Puzzled, the scientists ran the experiment twice more, asking volunteers if they thought generous members were either confused or simply behaving randomly. In general, people don't like dealing with either incompetent or unpredictable individuals, and thus might want such members to leave the group, the psychologists reasoned. However, these studies not only replicated the initial findings, but also ruled out incompetence and unpredictability as reasons for the volunteers' common desire to kick out selfless members. Now fascinated, the researchers conducted the experiment once more, this time asking volunteers why they wanted to kick out members who gave to the public good while asking little in return. Nearly two-thirds of the time, the students essentially said such generosity made them feel as if they fell short by comparison. They said, "He makes us all look bad," for instance, or "People would ask why we can't be like him." About one-third of the time, the volunteers wanted to kick selfless members out apparently because they just deviated from the norm. They said, "This would be OK if someone else in the group was being like this, but no one is so it's wrong," for instance, or "I probably would have been OK with him if I hadn't seen everyone else's choices and saw that he was so different. He's too different from the rest of us." A few of the remaining miscellaneous reasons students gave suggested suspicion of some ulterior motive. They said, "I'll bet later on she or he would stop giving so much and would start taking more," for instance, or "This person probably wants us all to start taking less so they can come in and take a lot more and get more than us." These new findings fit in with past studies revealing that people often dislike exceptional competence or offers of help. This might stem from a competitive desire to do at least as well as whoever is setting the standard, leading to a drive to iron out differences between members of a group, even at the group's overall expense. In other words, although generous members might objectively benefit the group, subjectively others may see them as a problem. The selfless people in question likely find this lack of appreciation rather surprising, the researchers added. An interesting next step is to look at the reactions of generous people toward such rejection. They may spurn these groups and dubbing them ingrates, reduce their selflessness to fit the norms, or perhaps even increase their generosity if they see their efforts as important, the researchers noted. Study researcher Craig Parks, a social psychologist at Washington State University, and his colleagues now want to see what conditions might help keep such generous members in the group. "If we accept that chasing such generous people away is objectively not a good idea, are there things we can try and do to encourage others to not worry so much about whether this person seems to be behaving fairly or unfairly, or violating social norms," Parks said. "How can we build tolerance of people who behave like this?" When asked, Parks noted this "biting the hand that feeds them" behavior could represent a kind of problem that people have trouble reasoning their way through, much as they do at times with logical fallacies or statistical puzzles such as the Monty Hall problem. "It could have to do with some kind of flawed reasoning about the world," Parks said. Parks and his colleague Asako Stone detailed their findings online Aug. 5 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, since I know you want to read more on this. Anyway, just an interesting little study that I found kind of perplexing… you know, kind of seeing myself as a shunned do-gooder in some ways. Some people just don’t trust you… no matter how much you do for them or how worthy of their trust you are. Just part of the human condition, I guess. Oh well… we’ll see how that all plays out once the Apocalypse comes…

Apocalypse Update - A 79-year-old Sheboygan, Wisconsin woman who couldn't find any help when a rattlesnake showed up on her patio said it was no big deal taking matters into her own hands. Margaret Street said she used an ice chopper to kill the snake with three cuts behind the head. She made some calls hoping to find someone who could help her. She said when that failed she killed the snake because she was afraid it could hurt someone at a nearby elementary school. Dale Katsma, with the state Department of Natural Resources, said the massasauga rattlesnake is endangered in Wisconsin, but photos suggest this was a prairie rattlesnake, which isn't endangered or native to the area. He told The Sheboygan Press the snake may have been aboard a train bringing materials to a local salvage yard. Regardless of what you believe, the snakes are commuting now. Hitching rides on trains, going to places they shouldn’t logically be, for God’s sake, we’re talking about rattlesnakes in Wisconsin. That’s like finding an alligator in… well, Wisconsin. You may be saying, “$teve, you’re crazy. Why would a rattlesnake travel hundreds of miles just to take out an elderly lady in America’s Dairyland?” Because she knew how to fight back. Maybe that’s part of their master plan, to take out those who know how & aren’t afraid to fight back. Think about it. With them gone, what would the rest of mankind do? Piddle in their pants and just wait to be devoured. Not on my watch, b**ch! “$teve, you’re nuckin’ futz! Not only is the idea of snakes, bears & other woodland creatures trying to overthrow the human race a completely idiotic idea… but there is certainly no way that they are communicating and formulating some kind of master plan in doing so. Your logic is flawed. Good day sir.”

Snake Takes Out Hospital – I’m sorry, you were saying something derogatory about my warning? Oh, you’re done now? Great! A snake slithered into a switch box outside a New York hospital, where it met its maker… but also caused a 10-hour power outage. Officials at Vassar Brothers Hospital in Poughkeepsie, New York say backup generators kicked on Tuesday afternoon when a common-variety snake got into the switch box and disrupted the hospital's main power supply. Workers found the dead snake inside the box. Hospital officials say there were no patient care disruptions caused by the outage, which lasted from 3 p.m. Tuesday to 1 a.m. Wednesday. Some emergency room cases had to be diverted to other hospitals. While squirrels and other small animals have been known to get into electrical equipment and cause outages, a utility spokesman says it's the first time he's heard of a snake doing it. So to recap, one single solitary snake… took out an entire New York hospital… for ten full hours. Scared yet? Perhaps not this time. They were able to divert the sick & wounded to another nearby hospital temporarily… but what if when IT goes down, and their coordinated attack leaves our hospital powerless, and there’s no other hospital to go to… then what? I wouldn’t be surprised if they found remnants of explosives when this happens again. Oh yes, I’m talking about serpentine suicide bombers. Traveling underground, taking out power lines, phone lines, gas lines, fence lines, hisssssssssssss-BOOM!!! Who’s crazy now? What’s your “logical” explanation? The snake was cold, or attracted to the vibrations from the circuit breaker’s electric current, found it’s way in there & completed a circuit setting itself ablaze and causing the outage? Yeah, because the logical thing to do when you’re cold is stick your finger in the power socket. Yeah, that’s less crazy than my idea. It’s okay, I forgive you for criticizing me. You’re still not scared?

Throw In Some Dragons – For centuries, the largest lizards in the world, the Komodo Dragons, have been completely isolated on the islands of the South Pacific so that they won’t rip humans limb from limb in ravenous hordes with their diseased jaws. These things are HUGE!!! Like alligators that can run 20 MPH plus in packs… like four-legged raptors. Luckily though, they’ve been contained to these islands… until I read this article. Twenty-two Komodo dragons have hatched at the Los Angeles Zoo this month, giving a modest boost to the world's endangered population. The zoo's adult female Komodo, Lima, laid the eggs back on January 22nd. The first one popped through its soft-sided egg shell on August 8th and hatchlings kept coming for two weeks. Komodos are the world's largest lizards and are popular attractions at zoos from the United States to Europe. All 2,500 left in the wild can be found at the 700-square-mile Komodo National Park in Indonesia (allegedly). Komodos are cannibalistic and usually eat their young and eggs of their own species, so zoo officials say staying alive is tricky for a hatchling (or maybe it’s the dragons way of weeding out the week so that they will grow to be mighty generals of the Apocalypse). This is the first time the Los Angeles Zoo has succeeded at a breeding attempt. It joins fewer than 10 other zoos in North America that have made it work. Eleven babies will eventually go to the Columbus Zoo in Ohio and the others will go to zoos assigned by the Species Survival Program, curator Ian Recchio said Thursday. Los Angeles will just keep Lima and the adult male, Buru. It is exciting to know "the hatchlings from this clutch will go on to help ensure the survival of the species," Recchio said. Hatchlings are 14 to 20 inches long and weigh around 3 ounces, but they will grow to about 9 feet and can weigh 200 pounds or more. Males tend to be slightly larger than females and sometimes have yellow spots on their snouts but are otherwise gray. They have about 60 needle-like teeth that will grow back quickly if one falls out. They will cut their prey into sections and then swallow without chewing. They drink rarely, getting their fluids from the blood of their victims. There are no Komodos on display at the zoo now, but before the offspring all leave Los Angeles, some of them will be shown at the Winnick Family Children's Zoo. Yes, I just said that they will be on display… at the CHILDREN’S ZOO. In the wild, a young Komodo will sprint up the nearest tree to avoid being eaten by adults. They will stay in the trees and eat insects and other lizards until they get too heavy for the tree. By then, they will have developed enough to protect themselves from adult Komodos on the ground. Komodo dragons in the wild eat 80% of their weight and then go without food for several weeks. They will eat snakes, other lizards, reptile and bird eggs, carrion, deer, pigs, goats and dogs... but luckily have not developed a taste for manflesh (yet). They will even try to eat larger animals, like horses and water buffalo. The dragons are probably best known for their venomous saliva. It is naturally harmless, but picks up deadly pathogens because of the food they eat, Recchio said. The Komodos are immune to the bacteria, but the animals or humans in their path can be in nearly instant trouble. The animals are believed to have descended from a larger lizard on Indonesia's main island Java or Australia around 30,000 years ago. So now there are at least two dozen of these monsters in America’s most populous city, with others strategically positioned throughout the United States (including San Diego if you remember). Snakes, dragons, bears, what’s the next animal to join this coalition?

Tiger Update - Authorities at Bangkok's international airport found a baby tiger cub that had been drugged and hidden alongside a stuffed toy tiger in the suitcase of a woman flying from Thailand to Iran (for some reason), an official and a wildlife protection group said Friday. The woman, a Thai national, had checked in for her flight and her overweight bag was sent for an X-ray which showed what appeared to be a live animal inside, according to TRAFFIC, a wildlife trade monitoring group. The woman was arrested at Suvarnabhumi Airport before boarding her Sunday flight. The cub, estimated to be about 3 months old, was sent to a wildlife conservation center in Bangkok. "The cub arrived at our unit Monday," said Chaiyaporn Chareesaeng, head of the Wildlife Health Unit at the Department of National Parks' Wildlife and Plant Conservation Center, where the animal was put under close supervision. "He appeared exhausted, dehydrated and couldn't walk, so we had to give him oxygen, water and lactation (yummy)," said Chaiyaporn. "We have monitored him closely. As of today, he looks better and can walk a little now." A DNA test was expected to provide details about its origin (Hellspawn?), said Chaiyaporn. "I was a bit shocked because an animal isn't supposed to be treated like this," said Nirath Nipanant, chief of the airport's wildlife checkpoint. "Had the animal passed the oversize baggage check and gone through four to five hours of travel, its chances of survival would have been slim." The woman, identified as Piyawan Palasarn, 31, faces up to four years in prison and a 40,000 baht ($1,300) fine for two wildlife smuggling-related charges, police said. She denied the luggage with the cub belonged to her and said another passenger had asked her to carry it for them, said Adisorn Noochdumrong of the Thai Wildlife Protection Department. The cub could have fetched about 100,000 baht ($3,200) on the black market in Iran, where it is popular to have exotic pets (not just their wives either), Adisorn said. He said he did not know what the woman allegedly intended to do with this particular cub. He said his office wants the law amended so the maximum prison term is increased to 10 years. Wildlife experts say the number of tigers in Asia have plummeted over the years due mainly to habitat loss and poachers who sell their skins and body parts to booming medicinal and souvenir markets, mostly in China. Conservationists say the government needs to do more to eliminate trafficking networks that operate out of the country. "We applaud all agencies that came together to uncover this brazen smuggling attempt," Chris R. Shepherd, TRAFFIC's deputy regional director for Southeast Asia, said in a statement. Perhaps… or perhaps that’s what the adorable vicious cub wants you to think. Perhaps that woman’s family is now in danger because that cub’s parents were holding them hostage in exchange for transportation to the latest nuclear power where he already has a scheduled meeting with their ruler… we’ll just say “long funny name” to discuss a few things. Perhaps I’m just crazy… but on another note, seriously? Only $3200 for a tiger? Hmm… imagine walking that thing down the street. Can you imagine? “Oh my $teve, is that your new cat?” “Yup, rescued her from an Iranian shelter just last week during one of my many trips over there to help at women’s shelters in Tehran. Her name is Shibamba Makayla… which is Hindu for “Precious Flower that emits sunshine” (or whatever BS I come up with on the spot).” “Wow, that’s amazing. Is she safe? Can I pet her?” “I wouldn’t be walking down the street with her if she wasn’t safe… but don’t you find a little bit of danger quite erotic?” “Tehehe, sometimes.” “Tell you what, you can pet mine if you let me pet yours…” How did this go from an Apocalypse update to some really bad setup for an adult film? Sigh… such is my world. Well, at least there is some indication that we are able to fight back…

Bear Baying - A declawed, defanged bear is chained to a stake as hunting dogs bark and snap, trying to force the bear to stand on its hind legs. The training exercise called bear baying is intended to make the bears easier to shoot in the wild and it's only allowed in one state… the one state in the union that we KNOW we can always trust to be on the forefront of issues… and make the other states feel better about themselves… and that’s the great state of South Carolina. GO GAMECOCKS!!! Armed with new undercover video of four such events, the Humane Society of the United States is pressuring state officials to explicitly outlaw the practice, which the organization says is effectively banned in every other state (much like the confederate flag). Animal rights advocates say it's cruel to the nearly defenseless bears and harms them psychologically (Really? Defenseless bears? Let your kids play with ‘em). Hunters say the exercise popular in the state's hilly northwestern corner helps them train their dogs on what to do when they come across a bear during a hunt. But John Goodwin, the Humane Society's chief animal fighting expert (I want a job title like that), calls it "bear baiting" — a centuries-old bloodsport that is more for spectators' entertainment than instruction for dogs on what to do when they encounter wild bears. "This isn't about training dogs. This is a competition," Goodwin said a news conference in Columbia on Monday in conjunction with the public release of the videos. "If this is their idea of training a dog for hunting, then they're sending that dog on a suicide mission." State law on the issue is murky (much like the rivers). Statutes banning animal fighting have a specific exemption for dog training. And while South Carolina Attorney General Henry McMaster (great name, Hank McMaster) says animal cruelty laws prohibit bear baying, he hasn't prosecuted any cases. On Monday, a spokesman for McMaster's office said prosecutors were reviewing the videos. The videos, which were filmed with hidden cameras by activists posing as spectators, show an adult black bear standing on all fours, its back to a 4-foot high wooden fence, tethered to the ground by several feet of chain. Crowds of a few dozen line the dirt pen around it. The bear rises onto its hind legs as three hounds sprint toward it, which is precisely the point: Hunters have a better chance of killing a bear swiftly with a shot to its exposed underbelly. The unleashed dogs bark, show their teeth and swat at the bear, which lunges to the end of the chain, then backs up against the fence. Moments later, handlers pull off the dogs. A new team of dogs (most of them Plott hounds weighing about 50 pounds) soon takes on the roughly 150-pound bear. Dozens more will follow. "We really view this as a throwback to the days of the Roman Colosseum, when people filled an arena as spectators to watch animals pitted against each other," said Michael Markarian, the Humane Society's chief operating officer. Animals regularly died bloody deaths during the ancient battles Markarian references. But the Humane Society's videos show no bloodshed. Handlers need their dogs healthy for hunting, and the bear is needed for more exercise sessions. Along with staging activities such as dog races and field trials, hunting groups hold competitions in South Carolina to see whose dog team can most quickly get the bear to rise up on its hind legs, or "bay." "It's just training," says Brian Kelly, a hunting enthusiast who organized a bear baying in Greenville County in February. "There's no dogs that get in any conflict with the bear, and the dog does not get hurt." Kelly said the bear is kept in a cage while dogs on 3-foot leashes bark at it, with judges rating the dogs on how well they pay attention to and become accustomed to being close to the much bigger animal. That description isn't backed up by the Humane Society's videos, which clearly show the dogs and bear swatting each other. The dogs aren't on leashes, and one of them was injured after the bear slapped it, Markarian said. The only time the bear is shown in a cage on-screen is in the bed of a pickup truck, either before or after the baying. Markarian said bear baying is illegal in all states but South Carolina, though a review of some of those laws shows the ban is by default. North Carolina, for instance, has a law against keeping black bears in captivity except for zoos or for scientific research, but have no explicit ban on baying. South Carolina's ban on animal fighting has an exemption that allows bear baying, as long as there is no "repeated contact" between the animals. When the attorney general was asked to weigh in on the issue in 2008, McMaster issued an opinion saying he views the practice as illegal under the state's animal cruelty law. Bear hunting is permitted for two weeks each October in only three counties in northwestern South Carolina. Last year, hunters bagged 92 bears — the most ever recorded in a season. For a limited time in 2005, the state Department of Natural Resources issued 38 permits to keep bears for baying, all for bears that were already in captivity as pets or in small zoos. Fourteen of those bears have either died or been let go (recession has hit everything apparently), leaving 24 permitted captive bears, according to regional wildlife coordinator Tom Swayngham. At least eight of those animals are used for baying in the three counties where bear hunting is permitted, Markarian said. But the same bear showed up in all the events taped by the group's investigators, he said. The man identified by the Humane Society as the owner of that bear did not return repeated messages left by the AP. State records show he has permits for five black bears. Animal fighting has history in South Carolina, where the mascot of the state's flagship university is a "Fighting Gamecock" with metal spurs. See? I’m not crazy. The state's agriculture commissioner pleaded guilty in 2005 to extortion after admitting he took a bribe to protect a cockfighting ring. That led to a heated legislative debate about cockfighting, deadly contests between two roosters that have been illegal since 1917 but remain fairly commonplace. In 2006, Gov. Mark Sanford signed legislation raising penalties for cockfighting and outlawing hog-dog rodeos — events where dogs maul and maim hogs to subdue them — and other animal blood sports (a.k.a. Nature). State Rep. David Hiott of Pickens County, one of the counties that allow bear hunting, said it's unlikely the Legislature will revisit a ban on bear baying. If the Humane Society strikes out with lawmakers, it will ask wildlife managers to effectively halt bear baying by revoking the remaining captive bear permits, Markarian said. "They can put a stop to this cruelty immediately," he said. Thoughts? Here’s mine. I think those good ol’ boys in South Carolina are just preparing for the Apocalypse. You don’t hear much about black bears breaking into homes and such down there… unless you want to hear about how Junior got that stuffed bear right thurr. Besides, 92 bears? I think it’s a good idea to make sure that the dogs are still on our side. I’d hate to see the forthcoming war turn into another Civil War, where man is pitted against his brother… or rather, man pitted against his best friend. “Jasper, I thought we was friends.” “Haha, I’ve been affiliated with the Animal Resistance Movement (ARM) for years. I’ve been playing you like a Steinway, my friend.” “Wait, when did you learn to talk?” “All dogs can talk. We just choose to communicate using our complex array of barks that don’t translate to mere human ears. Don’t worry, I could never harm you, Cletus. That’s why that bear standing behind you is going to dispose of you.” Oh it’s too gruesome to imagine. Let us hope that it never comes to pass. Stay true, South Carolina. You’re a beacon of logic & understanding… by the way, sarcasm doesn’t translate when you type it out.

Anyway, I think that crazy talk will be enough for one day. No real idea what I’m going to do this weekend… but there is La Tomatina en Reno, which is that festival in Spain where they throw tomatoes at each other… and allegedly, Reno’s is the largest such celebration (?) in the United States, so that might be fun. Also, there’s their monthly Pub Crawl. Should be good sloppy fun. There’s also a wine walk or two here in town… and Burning Man starts on Monday but I more than likely won’t be attending that. Good times. Still no idea when my brother’s coming out here… but I honestly don’t care. I’m being incredibly too nice even considering it in the first place. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

You're Just What I Needed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, my mom’s off to Asia. She called me this morning as she was boarding the plane…and apparently she’s going to miss me. I’m sure she’ll get over that when she sees the Forbidden City, Okinawa, and everything else over the next month. Oh well, I’ll just have to do with the metropolis of San Francisco, the majesty of the Pacific Coast, an entire city populated by Angels, another city ripe with sin & decadence, then a week back home…all while spending time with those that I love. I’m sure I’ll get over it too. Anyway, that’s really about it for me so…back to you, $teve.

Johnny English Sequel – Have you seen “Johnny English” yet? Well you should. Also, Universal Pictures and Working Title are assembling a sequel to the spy comedy "Johnny English" says Variety. The 2003 James Bond satire had Rowan Atkinson starring as an inept British Intelligence worker called into service after every secret agent in the country is wiped out in an explosion at a funeral. He soon uncovers a plot by French prison entrepreneur Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) to steal the British Crown Jewels. The original cost a modest $40 million and even though it flopped in the U.S. ($28 million), it did very well overseas with a global $161 million haul. Oliver Parker ("St. Trinian's") is onboard to direct with the budget expected to be around the same. The move is seen as an example of the struggling studio's new plans to avoid high-cost, high-risk fare. Hamish McColl ("Mr. Bean's Holiday") penned the screenplay and Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are producing. Filming kicks off in August. So there you go. Also, I think I know of the perfect big name American actor who could fill the shoes of Malkovich in the sequel…and may be looking for a good paying gig…

Nicolas Cage Update – Ladies, Nicolas Cage may be looking for a home. Okay, probably not, but now that I have your attention, a Bel-Air mansion owned by Nicolas Cage has found no takers in a foreclosure auction. The opening bid for the actor's 12,000-square-foot home was $10.4 million, but there are $18 million worth of loans on the property (that’s $1500 per square foot or over $10 per square inch). The Tudor mansion boasts six bedrooms, a central tower, home theater and an Olympic-sized pool. The house reverted to the foreclosing lender at Wednesday's auction in Pomona. Even though he's one of Hollywood's highest-paid stars, Cage has money troubles. He owes millions in unpaid taxes and in January his foreclosed home in Las Vegas sold for nearly $5 million. Cage sued his former business manager in October for $20 million, claiming the man's advice led him toward financial ruin (never should’ve invest in our children’s future). The ex-manager says Cage is a spendthrift. It’s amazing how this happens to some stars & big wigs…but it’s really hard to feel sorry for them at the same time. How much was he asking for his house? Oh about a thousand times what I made last year after taxes? Sounds a little rich for my blood. Maybe if I get a good rate on a loan… nah, Bel Air’s not my cup o’ tea. Best of luck to you sir. I hope that you get a fair price for your property and are able to get out of financial debt…because I don’t want you to have to do another Ghost Rider. No one should be subjected to that.

Beer Strike - Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites (GASP!!!), a company spokesman said. The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites (f**k your water coolers, America!!!). The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said. Carlsberg had mulled a stricter drinking policy for years and finally decided to impose the new rules on April 1st (seriously, April Fool’s Day? Is this a joke?), prompting protests from the staff. Bekke said around 800 workers went on strike Wednesday and around 250 walked (or rather stumbled) off their jobs Thursday, resulting in interruptions to beer transports in and around Copenhagen. Carlsberg's truck drivers joined the strike in sympathy — even though they are exempt from the new rules, Bekke said. Oh…and yeah, you read that correctly. The truck drivers…are exempt from the rules involving not being drunk while working. Specifically, the truck drivers are permitted to bring three beers from the canteen because they often don't have time to have lunch there. You know, it’s like the Danish equivalent of ADA but for the drunk driver that’s always on the go. Sigh… don’t worry, the trucks have alcohol ignition locks preventing the drivers from driving drunk…or at least over the legal limit. So in case you’re wondering why your local grocery store doesn’t have Carlsberg brand on the shelf right now…well, there’s a lot of reasons why…but this is just the newest. I’ve toured a few breweries where the employees get to test their draft…and it was like walking through a screening of Billy Bonka & the Beer Factory. There was a guide in a crazy get-up, answering questions in little quips before breaking into song, a river of lager with a boat made of pretzeled bread, short migrant workers speaking what must’ve been Elfish, twinkling neon shimmering off massive vats of barley-based ecstasy. During our testing after the tour, a few samples in, I swear I could hear the tour guide singing, “Take one drink, then you’ll sink, into a wooooorld of pure inebriation…” but then again, I’m pretty sure that was a Family Guy episode. Damn alcohol (and head injuries) has rotted my memory. My God! Do you think other beer companies would go on strike? Will this disease spread south into the Netherlands, Bavaria, the Czech Republic, maybe even…cross oceans? No, no I refuse to even think about it. I refuse to even imagine a world that’s as dry in every way as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That would truly be the end of the world. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. There’s no way that would happen. Besides, haven’t you been saying for years now that snakes will destroy us all before striking brewery workers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or a Miley Cyrus Oscar?” First off, thank you for heading my warnings…and secondly, when you’re right, you’re right…but I had already thought of that…

Apocalypse Update – We’ll never make it to a world without beer? Well, the evil snake forces of the Apocalypse have already infiltrated Germany. Authorities in the German city of Muelheim spent over 100,000 Euros on a three week mission to recover ONE missing snake -- only to discover it had died (or sacrificed for the good of the snake forces). "We had to do everything in our power to find this cobra," said Volker Wiebels, spokesman for the city council. After the highly poisonous monocled cobra (yes, cobra…apparently wearing a lensed eyepiece) escaped from its container in March, fire services cleared the entire apartment block, removed all the furniture and gutted the owner's flat (before stuffing it into intestinal lining & marinating it in beer). They then sealed all the doors and windows of the building, so the 30 cm (1 foot) long reptile couldn't get out, and set large sticky traps to catch it, Wiebels said. Officials finally found the snake lying dead in the rooftop apartment of its 19-year-old owner on Thursday. By that time the cost of the operation had ballooned to about 100,000 Euros (about $135,000). Taxpayers are likely on the hook for 40,000 Euros, because an escaped snake is considered public hazard, Wiebels said. The rest falls on the owner, who paid 70 Euros for the snake at a local reptile trade fair. It was unclear if the city would get its money back, because the man is currently unemployed. "The snake may have been cheap, but unfortunately what happened next wasn't," Wiebels said. To summarized, one foot-long cobra…brought an entire city of 170,000 people to its knees…and cost six digits to find…and when found, it was conveniently dead & gutted in the apartment where he first went missing. The snakes are using our own policies against us. They know that if there’s a venomous snake entered into an environment of a worldwide financial leader like Germany…and in an area where it could survive…then they could bring down their enemy from the top-down. New children’s tales about evil one-eyed snakes (remember, he was monocled) that spit poison into your eyes, both killing Germans & stopping them from reproducing (“Ew, get that one-eyed snake away from me!”). Also, costing obscene amounts of money searching for them…when they’d obviously have to retreat to the ground to survive the bitter cold. Alas, the people of Muelheim wouldn’t stop searching until they found it…so the slithery council decided to sacrifice Raput, the assassin from India for the greater good…and placed his body in an area that was easy for the authorities to find, unable to be tortured for their plans of poisoning the water supply (why I only drink beer & whiskey). Still think I’m crazy? Well then, you explain it Detective. In the meantime…just stay outta my way…and when the Apocalypse comes…I’ll try not to say I told you so…

Mind Reading Machines – Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What the f**k is he thinking?” Probably a few times reading this blog…but help is on the way to answering that somewhat rhetorical question. Mind reading may no longer be the domain of psychics and fortune tellers — now some computers can do it, too. Software that uses brain scans to determine what items people are thinking about was among the technological innovations showcased Wednesday by Intel Corp., which drew back the curtain on a number of projects that are still under development (yet still kept the curtains over the Weather Dominator). The software analyzes functional MRI scans to determine what parts of a person's brain is being activated as he or she thinks. In tests, it guessed with 90% accuracy which of two words a person was thinking about, said Intel Labs researcher Dean Pomerleau (Boobs or Booty?). Eventually, the technology could help the severely physically disabled to communicate. And Pomerleau sees it as an early step toward one day being able to control technology with our minds (and probably the other way around too…but shhhh…it’s a secret). "The vision is being able to interface to information, to your devices and to other people without having an intermediary device," he said. For now, the project's accomplishments are far more modest — it can only be used with prohibitively expensive and bulky fMRI equipment and hasn't yet been adapted to analyze abstract thoughts. The system works best when a person is first scanned while thinking of dozens of different concrete nouns — words like "bear" or "hammer." When test subjects are then asked to pick one of two new terms and think about it, the software uses the earlier results as a baseline to determine what the person is thinking. The software works by analyzing the shared attributes of different words. For example, a person who is thinking of a bear uses the same parts of the brain that light up when he or she thinks of a puppy or something else furry. A person thinking of a bear also shows activity in the amygdala — home of the fight-or-flight response. While Intel primarily makes computer processors and other hardware, it often works to develop and demonstrate new technologies in an effort to stimulate the market and advance its reputation. Other innovations on display at Wednesday's Intel event in Manhattan included:



  • Cell phone technology that would use motion, GPS and audio data gathered through users' cell phones to track what they're doing and who they're with (and who they’re doing and what with). The technology can distinguish activities such as walking, giving a business presentation and driving. It also compares audio readings from different cell phones to determine who is in the same room (remember Dark Knight?). This would allow users to share their activity information with their close friends and watch avatar versions of their friends throughout the day. It would also let users track and analyze data about how they spend their time. Yeah, that’s the application they’re selling you on…but we all know what it’ll really be used for. Big Brother stuff.


  • "Dispute Finder" technology that monitors users' conversations and Internet browsing to warn them when they encounter contested or inaccurate information. The software mines the Internet to find instances in which writers have claimed something is untrue. It then uses speech recognition technology to monitor conversations. So…like a bullsh*t finder? Uh oh. The days of my blog may be limited…but this’ll eventually become a lie detector or something.


  • A transparent holographic shopping display that could be used in department stores to point consumers to featured items. Shoppers could also use the giant screen to search the store's inventory, call up maps, and send item information to their cell phones. Oh yeah, holographic employees to help you. “Excuse me, I’m sorry… could you make this a redhead with a higher skirt & a low cut? Thank you. Hello Miss, I’m looking for a new camera.”


  • A TV set-top box that connects wirelessly to your laptop and monitors your Internet search history, as well as your TV viewing, to offer relevant video. Why? So the wife can know that I’m watching porn on my laptop while she’s taking the kids to soccer practice? “Roger, why does it keep telling us that ‘The Lord of the G-Strings’ just started on another channel?” “I don’t know. Oh, maybe it’s because I was watching Lord of the Rings the other night. That’s it.” “Now it’s recording ‘Miss Wu and her Amazing Panda Show’ what the hell?” “Oh really? Miss Wu is on? Holy crap honey, you’ve got to see this. Kids!!! Bedtime!!!”


So in other words, combined with Sexbots, iPads, and all that other technological crap, we may very well be on our way to living in a Philip K. Dick story. Then again, that may be the least of our worries if the snakes have anything to do with it. Man, this entry started out with a Johnny English sequel and then just kinda went downhill after that. Sorry about that. If only there was a story around that had something good to end on…like a message of hope…or a tale of my native state of Utah…or just a cute picture of a puppy…or even a funny pun…

In Deep Shih Tzu – How about all of the above, b**ches??? A stray dog is recovering after getting run over by a freight train — TWICE. Fred Krause of Utah Railway Company says he spotted the cream-colored Shih Tzu on the tracks Sunday near a high school in a Salt Lake City suburb. Krause, who was operating a train, says there was no way to stop before it ran over the dog, which was small enough to avoid actually being hit. Krause says he spotted the same dog on the return trip and this time the pup wasn't so lucky. The dog was running on the tracks and got whacked by the train's snowplow. Krause drove back to the site later and found the dog, which was still dazed and lying on the tracks (ugh…it got hit by a train). Krause and his family in Clinton are nursing the dog back to health and are calling him "The Little Guy." Why? Because everybody roots for the little guy…and had he not been so lucky, he’s be called “Shih Tzu Stain” or something. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Yeah, that’ll do it for today. Sorry for my message of impending doom before the weekend…but hey, the weather’s lovely so go check it out. Do something with someone that you Love. Hell, do something with everybody that you Love. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, honestly there’s not a whole lot going on with me. Work has been extremely busy…and I’ve found enough time for subtle flirtations and conversations during lunchtime to keep from being bogged down. I found out today that Truckee is basically the coldest place in America during the summer thanks to elevation and a slew of natural wonders…so if any of you are looking to escape the heat this summer, come on up to Truckee…and bring a long sleeved shirt, just in case. Average highs in the 70’s and overnight lows in the 50’s, pretty much perfect right? Anyway, here’s some news…

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!! - Several police officers responded to a 911 report of a naked woman tied to a tree in Point Defiance Park in Tacoma, Washington (God I miss having a girlfriend). Spokesman Mark Fulghum told The News Tribune officers talked with the woman and a man Tuesday in the Owen Beach area and determined it was a "consensual rendezvous" (Or as I prefer to call it, a “Tryst”). No one was arrested…but somebody definitely got laid. Stories like this motivate me to go hiking or jogging. You always see on TV the jogger in the morning stumbling upon yet another dead body in Central Park (thanks Law & Order) but it’s like winning the lottery when you stumble upon a beautiful naked woman tied to a tree. “Excuse me Miss, are you okay?” “Oh! Hey, hi there. Funny story. Ugh…could you help me out?” “Absolutely.” “What are you doing? Put your shorts back on.” I’ll just assume it was some kind of Christian movie Adam & Eve reenactment that was once again interrupted by the boys in blue. Why do they always have to cockblock based on religious beliefs? Also, I just thought of something. Was this done this last week? It gets damn chilly up there in Tacoma this time of year. Thank God there was somebody there to keep her warm. Anyway, I just… come on now. You know why I mentioned this story. Naked girl tied to a tree…and I got to use the word tryst in the proper context.

Doogie & the Smurfs – Speaking of forest people, Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character in the Raja Gosnell-directed film adaptation of "The Smurfs" at Sony Pictures says Deadline Hollywood. Originally created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre 'Peyo' Culliford, the blue skinned miniature villagers started life as a comic book, but eventually became most famous for a hit TV cartoon TV series which ran throughout the 1980's (and eventually the inspiration for the Na’vi of “Avatar”). Jordan Kerner ("Charlotte's Web") is producing. Shooting kicks off in April while Harris is on hiatus from CBS' "How I Met Your Mother". So if you love the 80’s, you love this update. That is all.

Perky Cups – Back to the wholesome female form in all its glory. Officials said a bikini and the First Amendment provide enough coverage for a model advertising a suburban Denver coffee shop called Perky Cups. Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women" but she says it's legal. Markert said she had city employees measure the banner, and it conforms with city size restrictions (C-cups?). Robert Rogers, a city attorney, said the content is protected by the First Amendment (isn’t everything? I could’ve told you that for half the price). Perky Cups owner Jason Bernal said people have come into the shop to complain, but one stayed to buy a burrito and coffee (“I’m sorry ma’am but if you’re going to b**ch me out for no good reason, you’ll have to buy a coffee”). He said the sign has been great for business but he's not sure how long he'll leave it because of the complaints. Mr. Bernal, keep it up forever. Hell, turn it into a permanent fixture if at all possible. If it’s good for business, you’ve found your niche. You’ll be the favorite coffee shop of the young male demographic at University of Denver…and maybe even UC-Boulder though that’s a bit of a drive. In a flooded marketplace like that of coffee shops (there’s seriously four Starbucks on the 16th Street Mall and another four within a block or so) you need to find a niche…and you sir have perked my interest with your full perky cups. Now, let me tell you my ideas about the baristas

Shaky Update – Yet another edition of hotties to the rescue. Shakira has received a medal from the U.N. labor agency for her work to help impoverished children. The 33-year-old Colombian pop star has worked as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. Her Barefoot foundation provides nutrition to more than 6,000 children in Colombia, and she is member of the ALAS foundation that advocates for children across Latin America. At a small ceremony Wednesday in Geneva, U.N. labor chief Juan Somavia called Shakira a "true ambassador for children and young people, for quality education and social justice." Shakira said in a statement Thursday that social, economic and environmental policies must focus on children and their education. Shakira also spoke last month with President Barack Obama about U.S. policy on children (whether we should let them work in factories or not? Kids are spoiled). Congratulations on your award, Shaky. Let me know when you want to hang out in Miami. I’ll let you ride piggy back again.

PETA Update – Some activism, I like. Shakira speaking for the impoverished children, I can stand behind (all f**king day & night). And then there’s PETA, who is looking towards castration. PETA Germany came under fire on Wednesday for saying that Berlin's celebrity polar bear Knut should be castrated because he is related to his love interest Giovanna. That’s right, the bear’s name is Knut…and they’re talking about castration. The PETA animal rights group warned that breeding between Knut and Giovanna, who was moved to Berlin from Munich last year, would carry the risk of depression amongst offspring because both bears have the same grandfather (depression? That’s the best you can come up with? It’s not like they’re their own grandpa). Frank Albrecht, zoo expert for PETA Germany, said the organization wanted to provoke Knut fans that have pressured Berlin Zoo officials to keep the couple together by saying Knut should be castrated. "Fans have to accept the fact that Knut just has to be castrated and then there's nothing wrong with the couple staying together." (Why do I want to cut off this guy’s balls and tell him there’s nothing wrong with it?) The suggestion to castrate Knut, who became famous around the world in 2006 when he was raised by a trainer after being rejected by his mother, angered fans of the three-year-old polar bear. Albrecht said he received many calls, including one man saying he should castrate himself first (I swear it wasn’t me). He added that once he explained the reasoning behind his suggestion, most people calmed down (“Oh, it’s so you can hook up with hippie chicks. I understand”). Zoo officials have repeatedly said that Giovanna's stay in Berlin is only temporary, and that she will return to Munich this summer…so I guess it’s only to keep each other warm during the winter. Sigh… why do I hate PETA so much? Why does this stuff irk me so? Does anybody else feel this? I mean… I love animals. Huge fan. Not just pandas either. Then again, I also feel that they can be delicious and fit well. So when some “zoo expert” for PETA says, “Hey, we should castrate an endangered polar bear because he’s bangin’ his hot Italian sister” then I get a little unnerved. “Why should we do that?” “Because the cubs would be depressed.” “Why is that?” “They’d only have one grandpa.” “….and?” “And what? Don’t you see?” “You’re more concerned about the cubs being depressed because they only have one grandpa than the threat of inbreeding or the small step in repopulating this nearly extinct species?” “They’re not nearly extinct, I see them on Discovery Channel all the time.” “Where did you get your degree in zoology again?” “My what?” Herr Albrecht, I think your random ill-based logic could help in another way. Call for the castration of an animal that if given the chance would kill you and everyone that you hold dear.

Apocalypse Update – Oh yes, I’m talking about snakes. A serpent originally included in a 16th century portrait of Queen Elizabeth I but painted over shortly afterwards has "reappeared," the National Portrait Gallery in London said on Thursday. Degradation over time has revealed that the monarch was originally painted holding a serpent, the outline of which is now visible again in the work by an unknown artist dating from the 1580s or early 1590s. But at the last minute the emblem was covered, and the queen was depicted holding a small bunch of roses instead (not the first time that a snake was hidden in the queen’s rose, I’m sure). The gallery said it was not sure why the change was made, but suggested that it may have been to do with the ambiguity of meaning the symbol carried (“She’s in alliance with the Dark Lord Satan!!! BURN HER!!!”). While a serpent was sometimes used to represent wisdom, prudence and reasoned judgment -- all fitting attributes for a queen -- snakes also symbolized Satan and original sin in the Christian tradition. The portrait, which has not been on display in the gallery for nearly 80 years, is part of a new exhibition titled "Concealed and Revealed: The Changing Faces of Elizabeth I," which runs from March 13 until September 26. It features four portraits which date from the 1560s until just after the queen's death in 1603, all of which have changed in appearance in some way since they were created (thanks to vandals and the use of disappearing reappearing inks). Advanced scientific techniques have helped unlock clues as to how they would have looked originally (in 3-D HD?). The portrait of Elizabeth holding a serpent, for example, was painted over the unfinished picture of an unknown woman, showing how 16th century panels were sometimes re-used and recycled by artists. So why is this an Apocalypse Update? Snakes are popping up EVERYWHERE!!! Even in paintings that have been around for centuries…and they almost magically appear in the hands of quite possibly the greatest matriarch in history. Still think this is just the paranoid ramblings of a Mad Man? (By the way, great show on AMC)

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. We’ve talked about castrating bears, cups of both coffee & breasts, fond childhood television memories and even a little history. I think it was a pretty good day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go for a little jog to make sure that there’s not some poor girl defenseless against the elements and longing for nothing more than the warm, gentle touch of a mighty lumberjack. “I’ve traveled 500 miles to give you my seed!!!” It’s really just a local service that I provide for my community. There’s really no official funding…but Planned Parenthood provides me with what I really need. Have a great night everybody!!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Take Me to Your Yeast Mine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

March Madness is about to begin. It doesn’t seem like the University of Utah is going to be in the tournament this year (and I refuse to root for BYU & they play tonight in Slick City). So maybe I’ll just have to root for the U in the MWC tournament because that’s really their only shot. Let’s see, what else? Oh, I had a fantastic time helping my mom set up her Facebook account over the phone last night. See, she’s not the most technologically advanced person in the world (did I mention her day job is working with intercontinental ballistic missiles?) but we got the basics down for her…eventually. For example, it took us about ten minutes…for her to remember her email address and password…that she put in a few minutes earlier. “How do I find you?” “I have a better idea. I’m going to find you. (Search her name) Ugh…which one are you? Did you put your hometown in or anything?” “My what?” “What information did you put in? There’s a lot of people with your name.” “Oh, I don’t know.” “(Sigh) Okay, gimme a minute. I’ll have to check each one to see if you’re here.” After checking the 6th one, “Okay I think I found you here. I’ve sent you a friend request.” “A what?” “A message is going to pop up that says you have a Friend Request from Dr. $teve Love. When that happens, you click on it…and hit Accept if you want to be my friend.” “And if not?” “Then you can just go f**k yourself (love ya mama)” Eventually, she was able to figure out how to accept it…and then there was “Okay, no how do I find Mrs Wingman?” “You know what, I’m just going to send you something here that’ll suggest you friend everybody that I know…that you know. Just gimme a minute.” It was at this time…that I realized how few of my friends know my mom…and even fewer she would remember. Luckily there were a few relatives so she’d have at least a dozen friends. Then she asked me, “Do I want to be a friend with (Crack Whore)?” “Why would you want to do that?” “Because I can.” “Do you think she would accept you as a friend?” “Probably not.” “I wouldn’t…but that’s primarily because I’m scared she’d give my computer some kind of a virus.” Anyway, the joys of Facebook. So if you get a friend request from some lady who you’ve never heard of…but has me as a friend in common, just accept it. You’ll make her day.

Last night, I watched a movie that probably none of you have seen. Why? Well, because I think it came out on DVD yesterday…and I’m pretty sure that it didn’t make it to too many theatres. It’s called “Gentlemen Broncos” and is from the director of “Napoleon Dynamite” & “Nacho Libre” which…I didn’t particularly care for either. I mean…aside from the occasional half-chuckle that if I were to translate into English would have said, “I admire you trying to be funny in the most boring way possible” then I spent my time trying to fight off sleep and wondering why the movie was ever made. I understand the whole distinctive form of filmmaking that Jared Hess does where the backdrop is fairly basic, rural locals like Idaho…and the plots are kind of hum-drum everyday occurrences for the most part…and the actors are purposely awkward in appearance and mannerisms to get a certain appeal…but it’s just not my bag. Anyway, I thought I’d give this one a chance regardless. It’s the story of a young home-schooled man who spends his time reading & writing sci-fi novellas. His mom (Jennifer Coolidge a.k.a. Stifler’s Mom) makes the worst dresses on planet Earth. Anyway, one day he goes to a seminar where he meets his favorite writer, Dr. Ronald Chevalier (Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords”) and he enters a contest where he might win a thousand copy publishing deal (oooh). Dr. Chevalier is falling on hard times or a creative slump or something…and then he stumbles upon this kid’s story called “Yeast Lords: The Bronco Years” and decides to plagiarize it. Long story short, the kid finds out…and then the movie goes on. It has its moments…but honestly, my favorite part is the cheesy fantasy sequences while they read the story & the plagiarized version where Sam Rockwell (“Choke”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”) plays Bronco / Brutus in just some of the most ridiculous ways. “Take me to your yeast mine. I am your soldier.” Hot, right? I’m totally going to use that line someday. Anyway, if you liked Napoleon Dynamite, then check it out. If not, pass. Here’s some more news…and again, like yesterday, they concern the Future…

Spider-Man Fired – Everybody’s affected by the economic situation. Even imaginary superheroes. Time to update that resume, Spider-Man. You're fired! Don't fret though, the web-slinger will still be keeping New York City safe from Venom and Carnage and any number of other dastardly villains he's tangled with over the years. But beginning Wednesday, he's going to have to do it between trips to the unemployment line (unless Jim Bunning f**ks that up). That's the day Peter Parker, Spider-Man's nice guy alter-ego, hears the words, "You're fired" from his cranky, long-suffering boss, Mayor J. Jonah Jameson. (Seriously? He’s Mayor of New York now? Oh yeah, this is the universe where Colbert is President) Worse still, Jameson not only sacks Parker, who makes his living as a photojournalist, he blacklists him with every news organization in town (dick!!!). This of course raises all kinds of interesting questions:

• How will Parker maintain his Spider-Man costumes? Dry-cleaning bills alone must run to several hundred dollars a year.
• How will he keep buying the stuff he uses to spin those industrial-strength webs needed to hop from building to building? Surely he doesn't pick that up at the 99 Cents Store.
• Where is his next meal coming from? Would he be reduced to spinning webs outside supermarkets and trapping shopping carts in them?

Worst of all, it just gives him something else to b**ch and cry about. “Waaah, I can’t tell Mary Jane that I love her. Too much responsibility. I don’t wanna be Spider-Man. I’m tired of Top Ramen. Why did I think that freelance photographer for a newspaper was a good career choice in New York City? Everybody’s a photographer & nobody reads the newspaper.” Could this be when Spiderman loses it and mugs Wall Street fat cats? Only time will tell. "Because we still want to sell comic books, I can't answer those questions," laughs Joe Quesada, editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics, which reveals the web spinner's latest crisis in Issue No. 623. But while hard times may lie ahead, Spider-Man has gotten through hard times before. Just two years ago his marriage to beautiful Mary Jane came to an end when the villain Mephisto erased everyone's memory of it (I’m sure with booze & ruffies like in the Hangover). He landed on the unemployment line this time not because of the recession or even a downsizing news industry. You probably guessed it already, but it was because of an evil villain. Spider-Man got wind of a plot to frame Jameson and exposed it by digitally manipulating photos he'd taken as Peter Parker (GASP!!!). Of course to do that he had to violate journalism ethics (What are those?) by misrepresenting the images. Jameson, longtime publisher of the Daily Bugle, could never tolerate that. And just why would Peter Parker / Spider-Man do such a thing anyway? "Just because he has super powers doesn't mean he's perfect," says Quesada. Sigh… silly, stupid superheroes. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. What’s the moral of the story? Have a backup plan? If your “day job” is to be a non-essential part of a failing industry, then you might want to also dabble in saving the day. The only problem is…make sure that whatever the second job is pays. Justice & saving mankind don’t put food on the table.

Worst Wedding Ever? – Yesterday was talking about a wedding where the bride went into labor. Today involves jealousy, possible adultery, assault, battery & probably future prison rape. A newlywed Massachusetts couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. Police say 22-year-old Hyannis resident Marissa Ann Putignano-Keene tried Monday to run over the other woman and the woman's son in a parking lot. The intended victim later told police that she had previously been in an intimate relationship with the groom. Police say the couple got married at Barnstable Town Hall and split a bottle of Champagne afterward (gasp, alcohol was involved?). The bride was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Her husband, 37-year-old Timothy Keene, was riding in the car with her and was charged with disorderly conduct. Both were released Tuesday. It was unclear if either had hired an attorney…but I would think highly recommended. As bad as this story sounds, I feel a little ray of hope. Why? The groom is 37…and the bride is 22. There may still be hope for me yet…and who cares if she’s a little psychotic, most women are after a half bottle of champagne and I’m not giving her the keys anyway. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that reception. A line of people congratulating and hugging the newlyweds, then up walks a mysterious woman to the bride, “Hey Tim, great to see you again. Congratulations.” “Thanks Amy, great to see you again too. This is my wife Marissa.” “Pleasure to meet you, Amy. Where do you know Tim from?” “Oh, well ugh…we were ugh…a-hem, friends from a few years back. We ugh… got reunited on Facebook about a year ago & he invited my son & I to the wedding.” A cold stare goes across the bride’s face. “Friends huh? Son eh?” She looks at the son…and sees a resemblance to her new husband’s elementary pictures. The night continues, drinks are had, the chicken dance is performed, yet the bride seems distant. “What’s wrong sweetie?” “You f**ked her, didn’t you?” “What? Who?” “Amy. You f**ked her.” “Well, yeah…but it was…gosh, ten years ago.” “I KNEW IT!!!” “Honey, you’re overreacting…and frankly, you’re scaring me.” “Oh, I’m scaring you? I’m scaring YOU? You cheated one me.” “What? No, never. I love you. Jesus, that was years ago. I was single & you were in the 6th grade.” Reason & logic has no place in the realm of the drunken bride. She grabs her keys and heads for the car. “Honey, come back. This is stupid.” He follows her out the door and into the car. “Look, we talked about this. We had both been with others before we met each other.” “I can’t even look at you right now.” Just then, Amy & her son are walking out to her car as its past his bedtime, directly in front of the couple. The engine is revved. “Honey, what are you doing?” Rev. “Oh f**k!!! Honey don’t!!!” Yeah, sometimes ridiculous drama is worth it…but only if you’re a spectator.

Marriage or Just Live Together? - U.S. marriages last longer than unions where couples live together outside matrimony, the Centers for Disease Control reported on Tuesday. Hmm, funny that the CDC would be studying marriage…but perhaps it was to find a cure for The Love Bug. About 78% of marriages lasted five years or more, compared with less than 30% of what the CDC called cohabiting unions, or couples living together outside marriage. One reason cohabitations were shorter-lived than marriages is that 51% of couples who lived together made the transition to marriage within three years, CDC said in a statement. Over 40% of men and women aged 15-44 were married in 2002 when the interviews were conducted, compared with 9% who were living together. The report was based on a nationally representative sample of 12,571 men and women. Other findings:



  • The odds of staying together 10 years or longer in a first marriage are better for couples of the same racial origin, the report found. (Is it racist if it’s still true?)

  • Nearly 80% of couples who have their first child at least eight months after their first marriage are likely to celebrate their 10th anniversary; those who don't have children are more than twice as likely not to last 10 years.

  • About 75% of marriages between men and women 26 years old or older last at least 10 years, compared with only about half of teen marriages.


So what does this all mean? Well, for one, the CDC has no idea how to conduct a survey. Okay, 78% of marriages lasted five years, while only 30% of cohabiting unions did. Why? Because half of them got married. Ugh…so basically something like 65% of cohabiting unions last five years or got married? Compare that to 78% of just plain marriages and its not a huge difference. Also, is it really surprising that 80% of married couples with children lasted ten years. Let’s face it, unless you’re a dead beat bastard, you’re stuck with each other for AT LEAST 20 years whether you’re married or not. Besides, divorce is expensive, more so than a loveless marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a study where divorce rates dropped suddenly over the past two years or so. Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s whether it’s better to live together before getting married…or just to take the plunge. What do you think? Personally, I feel that I would have to live with somebody for a while before getting married. Why? Consider it a test drive. I’m not perfect…and I’m going to guess that she isn’t either. Does she mind that I don’t do the dishes every single night? Is she going to freak out because I used a towel to wash my hands…but it was allegedly a hideous decorative towel? Does she snore? Do I snore? Is her constant nagging about allegedly needing new furniture going to wear us down? Is she a blanket hog? Am I a blanket hog? Am I going to miss Monday Night Football because she wants to see Dancing with the Stars? She may enjoy the benefits of me working out…but will she enjoy the smell immediately afterwards? Or will she join me in the shower? Will she get insanely jealous and run over an ex-girlfriend and her son? Granted, these little things aren’t usually deal breakers but it’s good to know exactly what you’re getting into before (what I still consider) a major commitment. So yeah, I’m a big fan of the moving in together…but then again, I’ve never even been close to either situation before. Oh sweet naïve $teve… Someday, when your life has passed you by, you’ll look around and wonder why you were always there for me. Wait, that’s Sugar Ray. Anyway, what do you think? I wanna hear some personal examples. Did you go straight to marriage? Did moving in beforehand completely ruin the romance? Did it teach you things about your partner that were deal breakers? Well, I can always look forward to the Future to find my own references…

Apocalypse Update – Or can I? The fossilized remains of a 67 million-year-old snake found coiled around a dinosaur egg offer rare insight into the ancient reptile's dining habits and evolution, scientists said Tuesday. The findings, which appeared in Tuesday's issue of the PLoS Biology journal, provide the first evidence that the 11.5-foot-long snake fed on eggs and hatchlings of saurapod dinosaurs, meaning it was one of the few predators to prey on the long-necked herbivores. They also suggest that, as early as 100 million years ago, snakes were developing mobile jaws similar to those of today's large-mouthed snakes, including vipers and boas. "This is an early, well preserved snake, and it is doing something. We are capturing its behavior," said University of Michigan paleontologist Jeff Wilson, who is credited with recognizing the snake bones amid the crushed dinosaur eggs and bones of hatchlings. "We have information about what this early snake did for living. It also helps us understand the early evolution of snakes both anatomically and ecologically." Dhananjay Mohabey of India's Geological Survey discovered the fossilized remains in 1987, but he was only able to make out the dinosaur eggshells and limb bones. Wilson examined the fossils in 2001 and was "astonished" to find a predator in the midst of the sauropod's nest. "I saw the characteristic vertebral locking mechanism of snakes alongside dinosaur eggshell and larger bones, and I knew it was an extraordinary specimen," Wilson said. Mohabey theorized that the snake — dubbed Sanajeh indicus, which means "ancient gaped one" in Sanskrit — had just arrived at the nest and was in the process of gobbling a hatchling emerging from its egg. But the entire scene was "frozen in time" when it was hit by a storm or some other disaster and buried under layers of sediment. "We think the hatchlings had just exited its egg, and the activity attracted the snake," Mohabey said, adding that the site in Western state of Gujarat has revealed about 30 sauropod nests and at least two other snake specimens. Michael Benton of the University of Bristol, also writing in the PLoS Biology, said it can be difficult to determine the behavior of ancient organisms. But he said that it was "most likely, as the authors argue, that this snake was waiting and snatching juveniles as they hatched." "Of course, we cannot be entirely sure unless further specimens come to light showing the bones of juvenile dinosaurs in the stomach region of the snake," Benton said. Ashok Sahni, a senior scientist at the Indian National Science Academy who was also not involved in the dig, described the find as "truly remarkable" because it is rare for fossil bones to be preserved at the site of fossilized eggs. In an email he said, "The scientific significance of the find is that it actually demonstrates behavior in early evolved snakes and the size of chosen prey." So $teve, why is this an Apocalypse Update? Think about it. Around 67 million years ago, the dinosaurs suddenly & mysteriously died out…about the same time that snakes started to develop detachable jawbones so as to swallow eggs (the future generations) & other objects larger than their head. Do you not see the correlation here? In modern times, snakes are overrunning our national parks & civil servant offices…but how long will it take until they swallow our future generations? When will it reach the tipping point where they will outnumber us? If the dinosaurs didn’t make it, what chance do we have? I’ll tell you what chance we have, we must unite & use our superior minds to save us. I say that we make snake meat into the next big thing. Have you ever had a tasty snaky McNugget? They’re f**king delicious. It’s all 100% lean meat. Think about it. The whole animal is basically a big muscle but spends most of the time just relaxed and coiled in a ball. That’s gotta be some good tender meat. If there’s a market demand for it, then they will find a way to produce it. Then again, I must emphasize that it be wild game snake meat. We don’t want to be breeding them in farms or anything…and pumping them full of hormones to make them larger and give them more muscle. Yes, our science can save us…but it can also destroy us. Anyway, you fast food joints out there, let me know when you get those Snaky McNuggets and Grilled Snakehouse Burgers on the menu…and I’ll be sure to give you a shout-out. I’m sure it’ll even be a tax write-off because you’ll be saving the world. Don’t let snakes eat your children!!!

Anyway, on that note, I think I’ll call it a day. We’ve talked about the unemployment of heroes, loveless marriage, divorce, assault, inevitable serpentine doom and a Jared Hess movie. Hopefully tomorrow it’ll be a little more upbeat…but hey, I just go with what the news gives me…and occasionally a story about helping my mom use a computer. Happy March everybody!!! Two weeks until St. Patrick’s Day!!! Have a great day!!!

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