You're Just What I Needed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, my mom’s off to Asia. She called me this morning as she was boarding the plane…and apparently she’s going to miss me. I’m sure she’ll get over that when she sees the Forbidden City, Okinawa, and everything else over the next month. Oh well, I’ll just have to do with the metropolis of San Francisco, the majesty of the Pacific Coast, an entire city populated by Angels, another city ripe with sin & decadence, then a week back home…all while spending time with those that I love. I’m sure I’ll get over it too. Anyway, that’s really about it for me so…back to you, $teve.

Johnny English Sequel – Have you seen “Johnny English” yet? Well you should. Also, Universal Pictures and Working Title are assembling a sequel to the spy comedy "Johnny English" says Variety. The 2003 James Bond satire had Rowan Atkinson starring as an inept British Intelligence worker called into service after every secret agent in the country is wiped out in an explosion at a funeral. He soon uncovers a plot by French prison entrepreneur Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) to steal the British Crown Jewels. The original cost a modest $40 million and even though it flopped in the U.S. ($28 million), it did very well overseas with a global $161 million haul. Oliver Parker ("St. Trinian's") is onboard to direct with the budget expected to be around the same. The move is seen as an example of the struggling studio's new plans to avoid high-cost, high-risk fare. Hamish McColl ("Mr. Bean's Holiday") penned the screenplay and Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are producing. Filming kicks off in August. So there you go. Also, I think I know of the perfect big name American actor who could fill the shoes of Malkovich in the sequel…and may be looking for a good paying gig…

Nicolas Cage Update – Ladies, Nicolas Cage may be looking for a home. Okay, probably not, but now that I have your attention, a Bel-Air mansion owned by Nicolas Cage has found no takers in a foreclosure auction. The opening bid for the actor's 12,000-square-foot home was $10.4 million, but there are $18 million worth of loans on the property (that’s $1500 per square foot or over $10 per square inch). The Tudor mansion boasts six bedrooms, a central tower, home theater and an Olympic-sized pool. The house reverted to the foreclosing lender at Wednesday's auction in Pomona. Even though he's one of Hollywood's highest-paid stars, Cage has money troubles. He owes millions in unpaid taxes and in January his foreclosed home in Las Vegas sold for nearly $5 million. Cage sued his former business manager in October for $20 million, claiming the man's advice led him toward financial ruin (never should’ve invest in our children’s future). The ex-manager says Cage is a spendthrift. It’s amazing how this happens to some stars & big wigs…but it’s really hard to feel sorry for them at the same time. How much was he asking for his house? Oh about a thousand times what I made last year after taxes? Sounds a little rich for my blood. Maybe if I get a good rate on a loan… nah, Bel Air’s not my cup o’ tea. Best of luck to you sir. I hope that you get a fair price for your property and are able to get out of financial debt…because I don’t want you to have to do another Ghost Rider. No one should be subjected to that.

Beer Strike - Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites (GASP!!!), a company spokesman said. The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites (f**k your water coolers, America!!!). The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said. Carlsberg had mulled a stricter drinking policy for years and finally decided to impose the new rules on April 1st (seriously, April Fool’s Day? Is this a joke?), prompting protests from the staff. Bekke said around 800 workers went on strike Wednesday and around 250 walked (or rather stumbled) off their jobs Thursday, resulting in interruptions to beer transports in and around Copenhagen. Carlsberg's truck drivers joined the strike in sympathy — even though they are exempt from the new rules, Bekke said. Oh…and yeah, you read that correctly. The truck drivers…are exempt from the rules involving not being drunk while working. Specifically, the truck drivers are permitted to bring three beers from the canteen because they often don't have time to have lunch there. You know, it’s like the Danish equivalent of ADA but for the drunk driver that’s always on the go. Sigh… don’t worry, the trucks have alcohol ignition locks preventing the drivers from driving drunk…or at least over the legal limit. So in case you’re wondering why your local grocery store doesn’t have Carlsberg brand on the shelf right now…well, there’s a lot of reasons why…but this is just the newest. I’ve toured a few breweries where the employees get to test their draft…and it was like walking through a screening of Billy Bonka & the Beer Factory. There was a guide in a crazy get-up, answering questions in little quips before breaking into song, a river of lager with a boat made of pretzeled bread, short migrant workers speaking what must’ve been Elfish, twinkling neon shimmering off massive vats of barley-based ecstasy. During our testing after the tour, a few samples in, I swear I could hear the tour guide singing, “Take one drink, then you’ll sink, into a wooooorld of pure inebriation…” but then again, I’m pretty sure that was a Family Guy episode. Damn alcohol (and head injuries) has rotted my memory. My God! Do you think other beer companies would go on strike? Will this disease spread south into the Netherlands, Bavaria, the Czech Republic, maybe even…cross oceans? No, no I refuse to even think about it. I refuse to even imagine a world that’s as dry in every way as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That would truly be the end of the world. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. There’s no way that would happen. Besides, haven’t you been saying for years now that snakes will destroy us all before striking brewery workers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or a Miley Cyrus Oscar?” First off, thank you for heading my warnings…and secondly, when you’re right, you’re right…but I had already thought of that…

Apocalypse Update – We’ll never make it to a world without beer? Well, the evil snake forces of the Apocalypse have already infiltrated Germany. Authorities in the German city of Muelheim spent over 100,000 Euros on a three week mission to recover ONE missing snake -- only to discover it had died (or sacrificed for the good of the snake forces). "We had to do everything in our power to find this cobra," said Volker Wiebels, spokesman for the city council. After the highly poisonous monocled cobra (yes, cobra…apparently wearing a lensed eyepiece) escaped from its container in March, fire services cleared the entire apartment block, removed all the furniture and gutted the owner's flat (before stuffing it into intestinal lining & marinating it in beer). They then sealed all the doors and windows of the building, so the 30 cm (1 foot) long reptile couldn't get out, and set large sticky traps to catch it, Wiebels said. Officials finally found the snake lying dead in the rooftop apartment of its 19-year-old owner on Thursday. By that time the cost of the operation had ballooned to about 100,000 Euros (about $135,000). Taxpayers are likely on the hook for 40,000 Euros, because an escaped snake is considered public hazard, Wiebels said. The rest falls on the owner, who paid 70 Euros for the snake at a local reptile trade fair. It was unclear if the city would get its money back, because the man is currently unemployed. "The snake may have been cheap, but unfortunately what happened next wasn't," Wiebels said. To summarized, one foot-long cobra…brought an entire city of 170,000 people to its knees…and cost six digits to find…and when found, it was conveniently dead & gutted in the apartment where he first went missing. The snakes are using our own policies against us. They know that if there’s a venomous snake entered into an environment of a worldwide financial leader like Germany…and in an area where it could survive…then they could bring down their enemy from the top-down. New children’s tales about evil one-eyed snakes (remember, he was monocled) that spit poison into your eyes, both killing Germans & stopping them from reproducing (“Ew, get that one-eyed snake away from me!”). Also, costing obscene amounts of money searching for them…when they’d obviously have to retreat to the ground to survive the bitter cold. Alas, the people of Muelheim wouldn’t stop searching until they found it…so the slithery council decided to sacrifice Raput, the assassin from India for the greater good…and placed his body in an area that was easy for the authorities to find, unable to be tortured for their plans of poisoning the water supply (why I only drink beer & whiskey). Still think I’m crazy? Well then, you explain it Detective. In the meantime…just stay outta my way…and when the Apocalypse comes…I’ll try not to say I told you so…

Mind Reading Machines – Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What the f**k is he thinking?” Probably a few times reading this blog…but help is on the way to answering that somewhat rhetorical question. Mind reading may no longer be the domain of psychics and fortune tellers — now some computers can do it, too. Software that uses brain scans to determine what items people are thinking about was among the technological innovations showcased Wednesday by Intel Corp., which drew back the curtain on a number of projects that are still under development (yet still kept the curtains over the Weather Dominator). The software analyzes functional MRI scans to determine what parts of a person's brain is being activated as he or she thinks. In tests, it guessed with 90% accuracy which of two words a person was thinking about, said Intel Labs researcher Dean Pomerleau (Boobs or Booty?). Eventually, the technology could help the severely physically disabled to communicate. And Pomerleau sees it as an early step toward one day being able to control technology with our minds (and probably the other way around too…but shhhh…it’s a secret). "The vision is being able to interface to information, to your devices and to other people without having an intermediary device," he said. For now, the project's accomplishments are far more modest — it can only be used with prohibitively expensive and bulky fMRI equipment and hasn't yet been adapted to analyze abstract thoughts. The system works best when a person is first scanned while thinking of dozens of different concrete nouns — words like "bear" or "hammer." When test subjects are then asked to pick one of two new terms and think about it, the software uses the earlier results as a baseline to determine what the person is thinking. The software works by analyzing the shared attributes of different words. For example, a person who is thinking of a bear uses the same parts of the brain that light up when he or she thinks of a puppy or something else furry. A person thinking of a bear also shows activity in the amygdala — home of the fight-or-flight response. While Intel primarily makes computer processors and other hardware, it often works to develop and demonstrate new technologies in an effort to stimulate the market and advance its reputation. Other innovations on display at Wednesday's Intel event in Manhattan included:

• Cell phone technology that would use motion, GPS and audio data gathered through users' cell phones to track what they're doing and who they're with (and who they’re doing and what with). The technology can distinguish activities such as walking, giving a business presentation and driving. It also compares audio readings from different cell phones to determine who is in the same room (remember Dark Knight?). This would allow users to share their activity information with their close friends and watch avatar versions of their friends throughout the day. It would also let users track and analyze data about how they spend their time. Yeah, that’s the application they’re selling you on…but we all know what it’ll really be used for. Big Brother stuff.



• "Dispute Finder" technology that monitors users' conversations and Internet browsing to warn them when they encounter contested or inaccurate information. The software mines the Internet to find instances in which writers have claimed something is untrue. It then uses speech recognition technology to monitor conversations. So…like a bullsh*t finder? Uh oh. The days of my blog may be limited…but this’ll eventually become a lie detector or something.



• A transparent holographic shopping display that could be used in department stores to point consumers to featured items. Shoppers could also use the giant screen to search the store's inventory, call up maps, and send item information to their cell phones. Oh yeah, holographic employees to help you. “Excuse me, I’m sorry… could you make this a redhead with a higher skirt & a low cut? Thank you. Hello Miss, I’m looking for a new camera.”



• A TV set-top box that connects wirelessly to your laptop and monitors your Internet search history, as well as your TV viewing, to offer relevant video. Why? So the wife can know that I’m watching porn on my laptop while she’s taking the kids to soccer practice? “Roger, why does it keep telling us that ‘The Lord of the G-Strings’ just started on another channel?” “I don’t know. Oh, maybe it’s because I was watching Lord of the Rings the other night. That’s it.” “Now it’s recording ‘Miss Wu and her Amazing Panda Show’ what the hell?” “Oh really? Miss Wu is on? Holy crap honey, you’ve got to see this. Kids!!! Bedtime!!!”
  
  

So in other words, combined with Sexbots, iPads, and all that other technological crap, we may very well be on our way to living in a Philip K. Dick story. Then again, that may be the least of our worries if the snakes have anything to do with it. Man, this entry started out with a Johnny English sequel and then just kinda went downhill after that. Sorry about that. If only there was a story around that had something good to end on…like a message of hope…or a tale of my native state of Utah…or just a cute picture of a puppy…or even a funny pun…

In Deep Shih Tzu – How about all of the above, b**ches??? A stray dog is recovering after getting run over by a freight train — TWICE. Fred Krause of Utah Railway Company says he spotted the cream-colored Shih Tzu on the tracks Sunday near a high school in a Salt Lake City suburb. Krause, who was operating a train, says there was no way to stop before it ran over the dog, which was small enough to avoid actually being hit. Krause says he spotted the same dog on the return trip and this time the pup wasn't so lucky. The dog was running on the tracks and got whacked by the train's snowplow. Krause drove back to the site later and found the dog, which was still dazed and lying on the tracks (ugh…it got hit by a train). Krause and his family in Clinton are nursing the dog back to health and are calling him "The Little Guy." Why? Because everybody roots for the little guy…and had he not been so lucky, he’s be called “Shih Tzu Stain” or something. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Yeah, that’ll do it for today. Sorry for my message of impending doom before the weekend…but hey, the weather’s lovely so go check it out. Do something with someone that you Love. Hell, do something with everybody that you Love. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Stop Kodokushi

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So how about that game last night? F**king awesome, right? I seriously thought that shot was going in at the end…and I was already picturing the movie based on it to be made in a few years…you know, like the final scene of “The Natural”, all slow motion, Matt Howard puts that enforcer screen on Kyle Singler (favorite part of the whole game), Hayward shoots, the ball flying gently through the air, twinkly orchestrated background music, shots of the kids’ parents, the coach, Coach K, the kid in the hospital bed, the mascot Blue II (tongue wagging of course), the men that “Hoosiers” was based on, announcers, the girl he promised to marry, the bully growing up, Old James, viewers in the hometown bar in Brownsburg Indiana, all staring up at the ball as it gracefully falls to Earth…and through the net as the shot clock and lights explode in a cloud of sparks, Gordon Hayward is tackled by his teammates, the big bad Duke team has been crushed & they have to settle for their millions in the NBA, Butler hoists the championship trophy for one final photo fadeout centered around Blue II, roll credits. Alas, the shot just missed…and it became a heartbreaking tale with a Joss Whedon ending (except nobody dies). It could still make for a pretty good movie…but yeah, Duke won the championship. Congratulations to them…and sorry for calling you the big bad Duke…but that’s movie talk. Everybody likes the Underdog…which kinda made you the real Underdog. Either way, great story. Now we can all get back to talking about Tiger Woods or something better.

Like how about these recent updates to my Road Trip 2010. Last night, Lilie & I arranged a get-together with my former Boss Man B, who now lives in LA. Seriously, we were chatting on Facebook about setting something up with B since we hadn’t seen him since he moved out there…and his ears must’ve been burning because he then popped up on Facebook chat. That’s great and all…but there’s another development that just happened this morning. The few days before I start this EPIC road voyage, I will have some special guests here in Tahoe with me – The Wingmans. They’re coming to Reno to drop off some puppies from their fresh litter…and decided to just stay here for the weekend. What a way to kick off Road Trip 2010!!! That actually cut off a few days to the start of the festivities…so I guess it REALLY starts in a week. What does that mean? Well, for one, you may not hear from me on this blog for about a month…and then there’ll be a lot of pictures of my friends & me in compromising positions, beautiful landscapes, works of art, skyscrapers, funny signs, with complete narrations and additional anecdotes about the journey. All the wonderful things that you’ve come to expect from this blog with your membership fee…which I’m still waiting for my cut of. It’s going to be awesome. Anyway, don’t wanna oversell it just yet, here’s the news…

Saddamland – One place I won’t be visiting on this trip is Iraq (maybe another time). However, it might not be long before there are some intriguing attractions to get some tourism there (okay, probably decades at best). Saddam Hussein made his palaces a desert paradise, but now his hometown is seeking foreign investors to turn the late dictator's playground into a tourist Mecca. Local officials see the 76 abandoned Saddam villas sprawled across hundreds of brown acres as a potential gold mine for Tikrit's cash-strapped Salahuddin province. "These villas only need rehabilitation and a few other things to turn the whole area into a wonderful tourism site," Jewher Hamad al-Fahel, the head of Salahuddin's investment commission, told Reuters Television. Saddam built big at Tikrit, his tribal stronghold about 95 miles north of Baghdad. He put up six villas at his birthplace, the village of al-Awja, alone and made the Tikrit palace complex his largest. Boasting artificial lakes and date orchards, the site totals 136 buildings and covers more than 1,000 acres, according to the U.S. Army. American troops used it as a base until turning it over to Iraqi authorities in November 2005. Now many of the sand-colored structures, often domed and turreted and with marbled interiors, sit decaying near the Tigris River. Some still show heavy damage from the 2003 U.S.-led invasion that overthrew Saddam. Salahuddin Governor Mutasher Hussein Allawi said he was eager to smooth the way for foreign investment in the villas since his budget was too small to rebuild decrepit infrastructure quickly. "Iraq needs huge investment companies, because the devastation that took place after 2003 is something terrible," he said. Foreign tourists to Iraq are overwhelmingly Muslim pilgrims visiting holy sites, with a handful of visitors drawn to ancient ruins. The number of religious visitors hit 1.25 million last year, more than doubling since 2007 as violence has eased, according to a Tourism and Antiquities Ministry spokesman. Iraqis seeking an in-country getaway tend to go to mountain areas in the north. Tikrit's would not be the first Saddam mansion to be turned into a resort. A guesthouse at a hulking palace at Babylon, 60 miles south of Baghdad, has become a popular spot for honeymooners (hmm, Saddam-y). Central and southern Iraq hold about 160 Saddam mansions, 60 in Baghdad alone. Those in the mainly Kurdish north have yet to be tallied. Seriously, how many houses did this guy need? So yeah, they want to turn a few of Saddam’s palaces into the next must see in Tikrit. I don’t see why not. I mean… there are plenty of tourist attractions out there that are very similar. Former royal palaces that have been turned into tourist traps, they’re all over the world. The Forbidden City in Beijing, the castles of Scotland, Versailles, Windsor Castle, Athens, Rome, those are just a few that I’ve actually been to. I say go for it. Anything to turn a buck in this down real estate market. I doubt anybody’s considering purchasing those homes, given how the previous owner was evicted…

Weekend at Bernie’s 3D – No, not a new movie thankfully. Police have arrested two women at a British airport after they reportedly tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight. Police said Tuesday the women were detained at Liverpool's John Lennon airport "on suspicion of failing to give notification of death" of a 91-year-old man. The BBC and other British media reported that the women placed the man, a relative of theirs, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in a bid to get him aboard a flight to Berlin. The women, aged 41 and 66, were detained Saturday and have been released on bail. They have not been charged and police say inquiries are continuing. Was it just cheaper than shipping the deceased? The sad thing is…it probably was. God, imagine the kind of fees and expenses if they tried putting him into several bags. I’m a little interested to know the back-story on this one. Did the two women accidentally kill him? Or did he die of natural causes and they just wanted to take him home to Berlin suburb of Schittzengiggles to be buried? Did they even know? Interesting indeed.

Text Safety – You always have to be careful with whom you text. For example, an errant text message is costing three New York drug-dealing suspects dearly. Police say the suspects made a mistake when trying to text a potential buyer and instead reached a task force agent in Dutchess County, about 50 miles north of New York City. The three were arrested after arranging a meeting with the agent, who pretended to be the buyer. Police say they recovered 60 bags of heroin (yeesh!). Task force Sgt. Brett Orlich says, "Their bad luck is our good luck." The three are due in town court in Pine Plains on Wednesday to face felony charges of criminal possession of a controlled substance. What are the odds? One number off on your text message (why I just do replies usually) and instead of sending a steamy sext to a girl you hooked up with last night whose number you got earlier at the club next to the speakers, you’re sending an in appropriate message to a high school gym teacher that may result in getting your ass kicked. Be careful out there.

Pedal Vision – It’s a shame that they didn’t get arrested in Phoenix. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. The bikes are customized to turn on connected TV sets once inmates at Phoenix's Tent City Jail pedal enough to generate 12 volts of electricity. An hour of pedaling equals an hour of television. Arpaio said inmates only will be able to watch television if they choose to pedal (so no freeloaders). He said he started the program with female inmates because they seemed more receptive (and he just wanted to see them work out…which is understandable). Arpaio said the only exercise female inmates have been getting is speed-walking around the tent yard. He said Pedal Vision gives them a reason to get moving and a way to burn calories. I love this idea. I kinda want a stationary bike in my living room now…but that ain’t gonna happen any time soon. However, I am planning on getting a bike to explore the area during the summer…so we’ll see what I can find for a good deal. Can’t wait for summer to officially start. I’d imagine the bike might be really loud and irritating if it’s anything like those bikes at the gym. I don’t know, maybe they got over that with headphones or something. Still, great idea. TV is a privilege, not a right.

Psychic Update – I may give a lot of crap to our legal system…but I still think it’s a lot better than a lot of places. Particularly better than in the crazy world of the Middle East. For example, Ali Sabat, the Lebanese host of a popular TV show, for years gave his viewers psychic advice and predictions. This may cost him his life. Many people around the world claim to foretell the future, talk to the dead, and do other amazing (if scientifically unproven) feats. So what's the problem? Sabat is a Shiite Muslim, and many Muslims (as well as fundamentalist Christians) consider fortunetelling occult and therefore evil (“It’s the DEVIL!!!”). Making a psychic prediction is seen as invoking diabolical forces, perhaps even entering into a pact with Satan. Fortunetelling, prophecy, and other forms of divination have been condemned by Saudi Arabia's religious leaders (as well as kissing, teaching women to read, showing the neckline, eating pork, etc but spousal abuse & prostitution are a-ok). In 2008, while on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia, Ali Sabat was arrested by that country's religious police, the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. His crime: Sorcery. Yes, people can still be accused of practicing witchcraft and condemned to death for it nowadays. According to the human rights group Amnesty International, a court last month upheld Sabat's death sentence, with the judges deciding "he deserved to be sentenced to death because he had practiced 'sorcery' publicly for several years before millions of viewers." Hopefully Lance Burton isn’t using his free time to make a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia. He was scheduled to be publicly executed last Friday, but his beheading was deferred. Sabat is not out of trouble; he did not receive a reprieve, merely a temporary stay of execution. Here’s the twist, Sabat might save his life if he confessed that his psychic predictions and powers were all a hoax (or an act merely for entertainment) and therefore not a true exhibition of occult powers. Hopefully Sabat's death sentence will be repealed, but it does seem odd that his psychic powers didn't predict this travesty in the first place. F**ked up, right? You know, I’ve often thought that John Edwards & Sylvia Browne and psychics like these are basically full of sh*t…but do I want them to be publicly beheaded for entertainment purposes only? Of course not. Seriously, is Saudi Arabia just behind a few centuries? Yeah, we had the Salem witch trials and it’s basically the same thing…but since then we have things like science and logic. I’m not saying that we’re without flaws. Not by any means. But sorcery? Really? Because he guessed the month you were born in? Because he knew your wife would wear black? Because he knew tonight’s dinner involved some sort of flatbread? Because he knew your brother was named Mahmoud and had a moustache? Because he guessed your number between one and ten? Did he find your card? Seriously? Sorcery? Sigh… some people are just crazy. Then again, maybe he did form a pact with Satan…then I would look quite foolish in hindsight.

Lonely Deaths – Okay, I’m gonna turn it down for a minute here…but please bear with it. It’s important. In the 1990s, Taichi Yoshida, the owner of a small moving company in Osaka, Japan, began noticing that many of his jobs involved people who had just died. Families of the deceased were either too squeamish to pack up for their dead relatives, or there wasn't any family to call on. So Yoshida started a new business cleaning out the homes of the dead. Then he started noticing something else: thick, dark stains shaped like a human body, the residue of liquids excreted by a decomposing corpse. These, he learned, were kodokushi, or 'lonely deaths.' Now he has seen plenty - these deaths make up 300 of the 1,500 cleaning jobs performed by his company each year (that’s 20%, one in five). The people die alone, sprawled on the floor beside crumpled clothing and dirty dishes, tucked beneath flowery bedspreads, slouched against the wall. Months - even years - can pass before somebody notices a body. On occasion, all that's left are bones. "The majority of lonely deaths are people who are kind of messy," says Yoshida. "It's the person who, when they take something out, they don't put it back; when something breaks, they don't fix it; when a relationship falls apart, they don't repair it." In Japan, kodokushi, a phenomenon first described in the 1980s, has become hauntingly common. In 2008 in Tokyo, more than 2,200 people over 65 died lonely deaths, according to statistics from the city's Bureau of Social Welfare and Public Health. Today, 1 in 5 Japanese is over 65; by 2030 it will be 1 in 3. With senior citizens increasingly living away from family and a nationwide shortage of nursing homes, many are now living alone. "There is a kind of myth that older people in Japan are living in three-generational families, but that's not so anymore," says Takako Sodei, a gerontologist with Ochanomizu University in Tokyo. Japan's two-decade economic slump is not helping. The collapse of the bubble economy after 1990 shrunk the size of Japanese firms and led to a restructuring that is still playing out today. The percentage of the workforce employed in part-time, temporary and contract work has tripled since 1990, forcing workaholic Japanese businessmen, many of whom never married, into a lonely early retirement. "Their world has evaporated under their feet," says Scott North, an Osaka University sociologist who studies Japanese work life. "The firm has been everything for these men: their sense of manliness, their social position, their sense of self is all rooted in the corporate structure." Several years ago, Tokyo's bustling Shinjuku ward began a lonely-death awareness campaign. It hosts social events to draw people from their apartments, distributes a newsletter to the elderly and monitors their well-being by, for example, checking to make sure they're taking out their trash. Other wards have followed suit, but as accurate lonely-death statistics are often unavailable, success is difficult to measure. "If you live alone, it's inevitable that you may die alone," says Yoko Yokota, assistant supervisor of the ward's senior-citizen-services division. "What Shinjuku ward wants to do is increase the chance that people will notice." As lonely deaths have continued, Yoshida's work has gained nationwide attention. A recent novel based on his life may be turned into a movie (with ninjas & vampires?) and a television series about his business is also in the works, but not everyone regards his service as a good thing. Several hundred years ago, the Japanese witnessed death regularly, with bodies buried by family members and samurai displaying severed heads in public. These days, such moments are rare. Such ceremonies would give "an opportunity to think about the dead person," says Masaki Ichinose, a University of Tokyo philosopher and head of the university's Institute of Death and Life Studies, founded in 2002 to encourage more national conversation on death. Building a business around the dead, as Yoshida has, is an unglamorous and oft-maligned profession, as depicted in Departures, the Japanese film that won an Oscar last year for Best Foreign Film, which follows an unemployed cellist who takes a job getting corpses ready for funerals. "The film has created interest in this profession," says Ichinose, "but most people still tend to avoid the topic." Ichinose speculates the kodokushi trend might be connected to Japan's contemporary cultural habit of ignoring death, and a possible avenue of research for the Institute of Death and Life Studies. "I don't know why but people don't want to see a dead body and, in general, they don't want to talk about death." Okay, thanks for reading… now it’s my turn.

As a young man quickly approaching thirty, do I think about dying alone? I’m not going to lie. Occasionally I do. Do I sometimes think that I spent too much of my early years focusing on my education or career instead of going out and partying all the time? The thought has obviously crossed my mind. Why am I not too worried about this situation? Because of my wonderful family and friends who I think of just about every moment of every day. I am eternally grateful for all of you (though only a few of you read this gibberish). When a day goes by that I don’t hear from my mom, my dad, my brother, the Wingmans, Bubbles, Filly, JL Clyde, Lilie, and many others, I tend to worry about them…and that’s why you often get those annoying text messages & phone calls from me. Deal with it. Now that I’m reading that some of my worst fears are simply a way of life in Japan, I’m disheartened. Are people so focused on their careers, their lives, their problems, that they don’t think about their family? Their future? Moving out here was a tough move for me. Sure, I made it sound all light hearted & a win-win situation most of the time…but I was really scared (as Bubbles can attest to during my visit in November). Why? I’m not the most outgoing guy in the world. I’ll make awkward social advances from time to time…and I’m not afraid to casually strike up a conversation…but I’m not exactly Captain Icebreaker or anything. “Here, can you hold this? That’s weird. I’m $teve.” Not me. Sure, I’m funny, charming, fairly intelligent & easy on the eyes…but I figure if somebody wanted to talk to me, that’d give me a pretty obvious sign…or, I don’t know, talk to me. That’s just how I roll. Is it the best way? Probably not. However, I still try…because you never know when you’ll find that friend for life. I had no idea when I met my Wingman a few years back that we would even be friends. Classmates & coworkers have come and gone…and some of the best of them have stuck with me even though we live in different parts of the world (thanks Facebook). Believe me, all of my past girlfriends were HUGE surprises. “Really? You had a crush on ME? For how long? Me too. We could’ve been doing this long ago.”

I guess I have a few points to this whole rant. First, thank you to all of my friends & family out there. You have no idea how much you mean to me…and I can only hope that I can pay you back by being your friend, brother, son, mentor, president, whatever. Secondly, don’t be afraid to share the Love. Make sure the people in your life know how much they mean to you. Great friends are hard to come by. So appreciate the ones that you have. I’ve truly been blessed. So why do I worry about dying alone? I think it’s a natural concern…but it shouldn’t be dwelled upon or anything. We all want to live on with those that we care about…and I’m just saying, enjoy it. Job getting you down? Call a friend. Money concerns stressing you out? See if your friend would consider renting out their basement. Just not feeling it today? Call $teve. He’s always good for a laugh. I don’t know, I guess…just thank all of you. From the cockles of my heart, thank you. I can’t wait to see…well, just about all of you during my road trip starting in just over a week. I love you all madly…and if you ever need anything, all you have to do is call me…or answer the phone when I call. Have a great day everybody!!!

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man's Gotta Do

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's Halloween Eve...and the last weekday before Old Hallow's Eve...and so that meant that everybody was dressed up at work...and I was no exception. There were some great costumes including a group deal with the training department as Pac-Man and the Ghouls and Zach Galafinikas in "The Hangover" which was amazingly accurate. We had "The Nightmare Before Christmas" playing on the TVs because...apparently "Halloween" was considered inappropriate. Go figure. So what was I dressed up as, you ask? Was I Chewbacca again? Nope. Couldn't find the costume since I gave it to my mom for storage when I moved to Denver. Was I a King? I have the crown, the regal robe & lion head slippers...but alas I pulled out the robe last night for the first time since I had moved (didn't need it during the summer) and apparently it was used to cushion furniture or something...because it was quite filthy...and too big for my washer. Awesome. So who was I? Well, I love low-maintenance costumes...and JL Clyde had a great idea when we had sushi last night (apparently we're regular customers now). Well, here's some clues. Think of a superhero...who plays second fiddle to the villain. Like me, he's good-looking, strong, arrogant, a little stupid, but has a lovely singing voice and can steal an entire movie with one line. Guesses? Anybody? That's right, CAPTAIN HAMMER!!! "Who?" Captain Hammer...from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. "Really?" Yes really...and the hammer is my penis, so deal with it. I cut out a hammer logo out of construction paper (and quite well I might add), put it over a T-shirt, put on some cargo pants and some black gloves and BOOM!!! It's only fitting being the bastard child of Batman & Wonder Woman, right?

As you might have guessed, this is not me,

this is character actor Nathan Fillion...

but I bear a striking resemblance.

Pictures of me are coming soon to your web...

One of the activities at work was having my tarot cards read. It had been a while since I had my cards read...since my High Priestess Bubbles moved to Vegas about 19 months ago. Well, the results were...interesting. All three cards pulled were Swords...from what I was told stand for Struggle & Animosity. Oddly enough, the first question out of her was "Is there a woman in your life?" "Ugh...no, not really. Why do you ask?" "Well, just this card I drew right here is...usually a pretty bad one for someone in a relationship." "Great, we're starting off with the usual. (Laughter between us)." "Have you felt like you've been struggling a bit or had some kind of struggles over the past few months?" "Yeah, of course. Doesn't everybody?" "But more than usual." "Ugh...I did get laid off after moving to Denver & had to return here...so yeah, maybe." "Let's see, the first card is the Seven of Swords (reading from the book) and it usually means that if you have any future business ventures or adventures...that you may want to wait a while. To do it now would mean a long struggle that would frustrate you." "Hmm, so if I were...hypothetically speaking, thinking about moving to Lake Tahoe for a new job then..." "Then you may want to wait about three months." "Sigh...where were you three months ago when I started this stuff?" "Next is the Knight of Swords. Is there a dark-haired man in your life?" "(Moment of thought) No. I have absolutely no idea who this could be." "Well, basically it's a bit of a warning where this man may try to mislead you and lead you towards future struggles." "Good to know." "Last here is the card that I was asking about earlier, the Queen of Swords. Do you know who this might be? Possibly a dark-haired beautiful woman that you have a friendship with?" "I have a pretty good idea who it might be." "Well, basically this woman is probably not to be trusted. She's prone to gossip & drama...and you shouldn't tell her anything that you don't want everybody to know." "Or conversely, if I wanted everybody to know...then maybe I should tell her...to you know, spread the word, right?" "I guess that's a good way of looking at it...but she's usually prone to trickery...and very calculating & brilliant, yet can be vindictive." "Hmm, I could see that. All good things to know. Thank you priestess lady (who I see in the lunch room once in a while)." So there you go...maybe Lake Tahoe isn't the right move for me...but I still think I'm gonna give it a go. Apparently I also have to watch out for you devilishly hot & clever brunettes...and the man in black. Anyway, here's some more factually based news...

The Apocalypse is Coming...in My Pants - A man was caught by Norwegian customs carrying a tarantula in his bag, fourteen Royal Pythons and ten Albino Leopard Geckos taped to his body, media reported Monday. The 22-year-old Norwegian was stopped in a routine check by Kristiansand customs after arriving on a ferry from Denmark, newspaper Faedrelandsvennen reported. Customs found the tarantula, before deciding to give him a full body search that revealed 14 stockings -- one for each snake -- taped around his torso. Reptile smuggling is not uncommon in Norway, which prohibits people holding many reptile species as pets, but office manager Helge Breilid at Kristiansand customs was quoted by VG as saying customs officers had been "horrified" by Sunday's catch. "Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion," Breilid told VG. When the man dropped his pants (oh yeah), the officers found 10 cans taped to his legs, each containing a lizard, he said. The man was still being held by police Monday, Kristiansand police attorney Johann Martin Kile told VG, adding he would be released upon agreeing to pay a 12,500 Norwegian crowns ($2,256) fine. The reptiles were handed over to a security firm until Norwegian authorities decide what to do with them, Breilid said. You know, if I were caught in that situation, I would try to talk my way out of it somehow. "The snakes made me do it. They took control. FOR GOD'S SAKE THEY WERE IN MY PANTS!!! You've seen the gecko on TV. He's quite persuasive. Now imagine TEN of those little bastards running around...in your pants." I would think that of all places in the world for a reptile to live...that Norway would be the worst. I mean...it's cold there, right? That's why they have to be imported...because otherwise they wouldn't survive. Anyway, odd story...and it involves snakes...traveling to new countries where they can't naturally go. Beware.

The Real La-Z-Boy - A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers. Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured. Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders (nice!). Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment. I guess when you have nothing better to do in northern Minnesota, you'll sit around in your recliner and think "How could this possibly get better?" A few weeks later, you'll get arrested for driving your recliner with a two-cycle engine & a grooler into a parked car. Ingenuity - It's what makes America great!!! Who knows? Maybe he'll come out of jail in six months with a new invention...like a way of making Old Milwaukee Light out of a toilet. Actually, now that I think about it, they probably are already using that technique.

Robot Seed - Have you ever wondered what engineers do when they get bored? Besides design sexbots? Well, now you know. Aerospace engineers have designed a hovering craft that mimics the spiraling pattern made by maple tree seeds. That's right. Maple seeds. Called RoboSeed NAV (nano air vehicle), the craft has a maximum dimension of less than 4 inches (9.5 cm), making it the world's smallest controllable single-winged rotating aircraft. Other flying craft may be smaller, but they have more than one wing and are symmetrical, according to the engineers who built RoboSeed. The team also built scaled-up versions of their one-winged crafts, which have more maneuverability. The crafts' petite size and weight, along with their hovering ability and quietness make them optimal for several applications, the researchers say, ranging from radio-controlled toys to low- and high-altitude satellites and communications transponders. Winged seeds, or samaras, such as that of the maple tree are considered some of the most efficient passive flyers, and hence have been ogled by many engineers looking to build tiny flying devices. Researchers have only recently figured out though just how nature's helicopters spin. Essentially, a swirling maple seed generates a tornado-like vortex above the front leading edge of the "helicopter," which effectively sucks the wing upward to oppose gravity. Since the 1950s, researchers have been trying to create a stable, unmanned aerial vehicle that could mimic a maple seed's flight...but their attempts have been unsuccessful, typically because of instability (I mean, even the seeds fall to the ground each & every time). Until now, the vehicles have been just a single component, and so the entire craft - wing and propeller - had to twist and turn as one unit. The result was an unstable vehicle that would crash with even a slight nudge from the wind. A team from the University of Maryland's Clark School of Engineering got around this problem by separating the wing from the propeller and electronics package into two attached components. That way the wing could tilt up or down without moving the rest of the vehicle. "We found that it behaved a lot more like a helicopter and it was highly stable even in the presence of wind," said graduate student and study team member Evan Ulrich. The team also tweaked the shape of the wing to match that of a maple seed, where the bulk of the surface area sits toward the tip, away from the center of rotation. "For natural maple seeds, it allows them to fall more slowly," Ulrich told LiveScience. "For ours, it allows it to hover for longer and more stably." Depending on which way a maple seed is tilted it will fall in one of two modes: It either carves out a small helix shape as it falls, essentially spiraling straight down, or it carves out a giant helix shape during descent. "The difference between those two flight patterns is the wing pitch. And so by variation of the wing pitch you can control how big the helix is you're descending in," Ulrich said. That's also how Ulrich and his team control the horizontal direction of the vehicle. By carving out a 160-feet-wide (50 meter) helix, say, the craft would travel pretty far in one direction and with the tilt of the wing, the craft could then descend in a tiny helix. So what're the real future applications? The craft's first non-lab setting may be on the shelves of toy stores as a radio-controlled device, according to Ulrich. That could be months away. But he has high hopes for its scientific applications. For instance, the vehicle can stay aloft for long periods of time without power, and so could be used as a low-altitude satellite. "If you can find in the atmosphere a location where there's a thermal that is equal to or greater than your descent velocity, then you can turn off your motor and hover. It's sort of like getting free energy from the atmosphere. You can remain aloft indefinitely as long as you can stay in one of these thermals." The device could also be used as a transponder to send radio signals from the ground. "With one of these things it's simple and robust enough if you were to put a communications beacon on it a soldier could throw it up in the air and it would climb and relay a message. That's just a few months away. The vehicle is capable of doing these things right now; it can carry a payload, and it can be hand launched, and it's extremely easy to control." Further off, he envisions the device being used for higher-altitude mapping of rooms and even caves. So there you go. Next time you're out in the yard spinning maple leaves like a helicopter, just keep in mind that somebody was doing that 20 years ago...and has found a way to make them into a satellite. Pretty cool, huh?

Texting Gone Wrong - Georgia (the state, not the country) police said a misdialed number led two strangers to trade hostile calls and text messages before arranging a meeting where one shot the other. Savannah-Chatham police spokeswoman Veda Lamar Nichols told the Savannah Morning News in a Wednesday story that a 22-year old man faces an aggravated assault charge. The suspect was jailed after a 24-year-old man was shot in a CVS parking lot around 2:30 a.m. Tuesday. Nichols said the victim was taken to Memorial University Medical Center in serious condition. She said the two didn't know each other but began arguing through phone calls and text messages after a misdialed number and arranged to meet in the store's parking lot. The suspect was taken to the Chatham County jail. Nichols said his vehicle was damaged during the incident. We've all received random texts, right? Every last one of us. Even those of us with no friends. I could see how this might happen. Somebody got a fake phone number from a chick that he was hitting on who wasn't interested in him. So he texts her later...only to find some dude responds with "Who is this?" "This is Mike from last night at the bar." "Sorry Mike, you got the wrong number. I don't do dudes." "Oooh, so you like the ladies. That's hot." "Whatever (slur). Quit texting me." "What? Who are you calling a (slur) (colorful metaphor)?" "You (horrible thing to say in front of children)!!!" "Oh yeah, well meet me at the CVS and say it to my face if you have the fortitude." "What? Why CVS?" "Because I don't want you to bleed to death after I f**king beat your (backside) so a pharmacy would be suitable." "See ya there in 15, trick. Make sure your affairs are in order." And I think you know where it goes from here. Just goes to show...if you get a random text, kindly request who it is...and if they won't tell you or it's somebody you don't know, the conversation is over. Don't get shot over trying to be clever. Keep it to the professionals.

Well, that'll do it for tonight. Have a glorious Halloween Weekend everybody!!!