The Best That Never Was

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I went home… and basically after making dinner, watched a bunch of WWII videos that my roommate had DVR’d. It was that Apocalypse series that you see the commercials for… but it was on the Smithsonian Channel… and it was pretty damn good. I’m always amazed by how much video there is of all these massive, horrible scrimmages… and of the executions. I know I’ve heard that Hitler was big on documenting his history and using the medium of film and all… but still, really? My roommate and I are grown ass men and we were just shocked at some of the things they had video off. It’s pretty impressive if you get the chance to check them out… but yeah, mature audiences only. Especially when they start talking about Eastern Europe and the assault on Russia and this “Final Solution” and all that. It’s not exactly an HBO miniseries at that point.

Also, I watched yet another installment of ESPN’s 30 for 30 series… and this one was about Marcus DuPree. Who the f**k is Marcus DuPree? That’s exactly what I said… and I’ve followed football for a while… but apparently it all happened about 30 years ago when I was a youngster. Basically, Marcus was a poor kid from Philadelphia, Mississippi who was basically unstoppable in high school football & the most sought after recruit… probably EVER when it came to college. Long story short, he was getting input from a lot of people (mama, Uncle Curlee, recruiters, the Reverend recruiter who eventually became his agent, etc) and ended up going to the University of Oklahoma for a year (after originally committing to Texas) then after a year or so there… he decided that he didn’t want to do it anymore… so he transferred to Southern Mississippi back home. When they were talking about making him ineligible for over a year, he wanted to go pro… but the kid was 19 at this time. The NFL would have NOTHING to do with him… so his reverend agent convinced him that the USFL was the way to go (remember them?). He played a few games for them with an epic 5 year / $6 million contract (big money back in 1984 sports) but then had a bad knee injury after a few games, went back home… and basically didn’t do much for the next five years. Oh, did I mention that he was 20 years old? When he played, he was unstoppable. Seriously, check the film… but he just seemed to be a poor kid who got taken advantage of here and there… and one knee injury and not wanting to play anymore is all it takes. Well, after that five years, he decided to try again… and in 1990, he played a few years with the L.A. Rams after a MAJOR comeback (he was over 300 pounds at 25 years old, then down to 210 or so when he made his comeback. Seriously though, it was an interesting story… and I thoroughly enjoyed it. There was even the little brother with cerebral palsy who inspired Marcus to play better. This 30 for 30 stuff is pretty good… and diverse too. There was the Ricky Williams one, Tupac meets Mike Tyson, the Once Brothers, the L.A. Raiders, Reggie Miller, the guy who ran across America a few times, Navratilova – Evert, pretty good stuff. I say check it out. In the meantime, here’s the news…

Obama Book – Apparently the former president George W. Bush (the W stands for Wetarded) has a new book that dropped yesterday… and apparently it’s juicy… but not really. I find it hilarious though that the thing that he was most concerned about & bothered him the most about his presidency… was when Kanye West said that he didn’t like black people after Katrina. Really? That was the low point? Not the actual clusterf**k that was the relief effort… but when ‘Ye called you out? You must REALLY like his music, W. Anyway, not to be outdone, somebody’s releasing a new book about current President Barack Obama… and if Bush can ramble on for a few hundred pages about what he did that was worthy of print, then you can bet this books is EPIC in scale… and it is. At a thumb-numbing 5,472 pages, a book devoted to the life of Barack Obama is probably not going to be on the President's list of beach reads, but its Indonesian author is hoping for interest from the White House. Hailed by Indonesian record keepers as the world's thickest book, "The Collection, Obama and Pluralism," was unveiled by local author, director and artist, Damien Dematra to coincide with a visit by the U.S. president which ended on Wednesday. At 34 cm (about 1 ft) thick, the hardbound tome chronicles snippets of Obama's life in Jakarta. The U.S. president spent about four years in Indonesia as a child with his anthropologist mother from 1967 and during his visit spoke fondly of those days. Jaya Suprana, curator of Indonesia's records museum in a nation obsessed with record breaking, said the size of the book beats the previous international title holder -- Agatha Christie's "The Complete Miss Marple," a relatively slender 4,032 pages. Author Dematra, who credits the start of his "Obamamania" to a dinner he attended at the U.S. embassy, has already completed seven books and a movie about the U.S. president in less than a year. Dematra good-naturedly shrugs off suggestions he is obsessed. "I don't mind; for me, the crazier, the better. He is someone I've been inspired by, giving me more understanding on the potential of dreams and pluralism." Dematra's book includes letters to Obama from students at his former school. One child with leukemia wrote to Obama asking for help with medical treatment in the United States. Other letters expressed admiration -- and sympathy for the job. "I think it's not exciting to become a president. Just look at President SBY," said one, a reference to Indonesian leader Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. "Every day he looks as if he has a headache. It must be even harder to lead the American people." Obama spent less than 24 hours in Jakarta on the second stop of his 10-day four-nation Asian tour. He flew on Wednesday to South Korea, where he attends a G20 summit. Sound like a gripping story? Yeah, I’ll probably pass on that one too. Besides, rambling about the same subject for over 5000 pages? That sounds like a dare to me… and have you seen my blog? No problem.

Most Influential Man – So who would you think would be the Most Influential Man? President Obama? Nope. Maybe the President of China? He’s beaten out Obama on a few lists with regards to the subject. How about a former MTV show host? Well… okay, how about if I told you the survey was taken by Askmen.com. Angelina Jolie? Megan Fox? Sorry ladies, it’s most influential MAN… and though you’re the total package… you just don’t have the right package. Nope. Talk show host Jon Stewart was crowned the most influential man of 2010, heading a list of 49 men who all swayed public opinion and were described as rule-breakers to some degree in a time of recession. Stewart, who hosted President Barack Obama on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" last week and held a "Rally to Restore Sanity" over Halloween weekend, claimed the No. 1 spot in an annual survey of about 500,000 readers of AskMen, a men's lifestyle website. He was followed by Microsoft's Bill Gates while Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of social networking site Facebook, came in third place. Apple co-founder and chief executive officer Steve Jobs came fourth. "We noticed the rule-breaking trend because it spans a lot of industries," James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen, told Reuters. He said this extended to people like musician Kanye West who ranked fifth, and actor James Franco at seventh, who proved he was more than just a movie star by enrolling in graduate programs and writing a book. Number 48 on the list was Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who stormed off his job with some profanities and a dramatic exit down an inflated emergency chute, winning widespread admiration. This month Slater, 38, pleaded guilty to two counts of criminal mischief and was ordered to undergo a year-long mental health program and receive alcohol and substance abuse counseling. "In the list last year we were looking more at guys who were players in the industry or were perceived as players, like (U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman) Ben Bernanke," said Bassil. "Guys are open to the idea of rejecting the status quo in some ways. They've kind of come to more admire these dudes who took it upon themselves to break out on their own and discover success on their own terms." Last year's list was headed by the character Don Draper from the Emmy-winning drama "Mad Men" who is played by actor Jon Hamm, followed by track star Usain Bolt. This attitude in 2010 could well be due to the recession and lagging recovery, Bassil added. "The terms that were dictated to us previously were terms such as 'work hard' and 'show up on time' and everything will be okay. That's all been kind of proven to be a failure," he said. One notable absence this year was professional golfer Tiger Woods, whose private life unraveled after allegations of infidelity late last year set off a months-long sex scandal. He eventually confessed to infidelity and was divorced from his wife, Elin Nordgren, in August. By contrast, talk show host David Letterman came in at 39 despite his on-air revelations about his affairs followed by an apology to his wife. "Guys obviously preferred David Letterman's response which was to be frank and sincere and 'fess up in the most public form possible rather than the route that Tiger Woods took, which was to try to hide it until it blew up in his face," Bassil said. Oh… and U.S. President Barack Obama fell to 21st place from the top five last year… but then again, it’s a website survey. It’s not exactly a sign that the world is coming to an end.

The End of the World – For years, I’ve been updating you on Sexbots (though the stories aren’t quite as plentiful as they used to be). All this time, I was sure (even before the revelation about snakes destroying us) that technology would be our downfall. We would marry our sexbots and never reproduce… because humans are just too damn crazy & dramatic… and gorillas just don’t work out (I don’t care what H.P. Lovecraft says). But now, some people are finding a loophole in bypassing the whole damn thing. You don’t want to have sex until you’re married? Okay, the answer: marry yourself. Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends… but there is no groom. Chen will marry herself. Uninspired by the men she's met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honor of just one person. "Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven't found a partner, so what can I do?" Chen said. "It's not that I'm anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition." Her T$50,000 ($5,675) wedding comes after online publicity that has netted 1,800 largely sympathetic comments. "I think there will be more and more girls like this," said "divagirl," who did not elaborate. Taiwanese women are marrying later and less often as their economic status advances, fuelling government concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on productivity (of all kinds). Only 40% of women surveyed earlier this year by the education ministry said they imagined married people could live better than singles, local media said. "I was just hoping that more people would love themselves," said Chen, who will go on a solo honeymoon to Australia. Chen said her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan. But as Chen cannot officially register a marriage to herself, if she finds a man later she will wed again. "If I had a steady boyfriend, I wouldn't do this. It would be offensive to him, anyway." I would assume the vacation to Australia by yourself would do it too… but hey, it’s all good Chen. Believe me, I’ve thought about marrying myself… oh yes… and not just the drive-thru version either. I’m talking minister, suit, even a little dress for my right hand (who spent the whole day at the spa & with a makeup artist), reception in Reno, a few family & friends in attendance, nothing too fancy or expensive, then a weekend getaway to Monterey… and by the time I’m done with the bride, I won’t be able to write right for a month. “Oh, you invited your sister Lucy? What a surprise! I hope you two have been doing your ergonomic exercises… cuz it’s ON!!!” God help us all if this idea spreads…

Porn Star Hunt - Sri Lankan newspapers on Tuesday published pictures of mainly women that police said had acted in locally produced pornographic films, part of a court-ordered crackdown and the latest sign of growing social conservatism. Police have identified 83 people they say have acted in the films found on websites, and got a court order to have media outlets publish their pictures to help locate the suspects. "This is illegal and we need them to be identified for investigations," police spokesman Priyashanth Jayakody said. The move is part of a crackdown on pornography in the Indian Ocean nation of 21 million. Yes, you read right. A crackdown on pornography! The Telecommunication Regulatory Commission has already blocked around 100 porn sites and police have been arresting people with porn in their mobile phones (apparently they don’t believe in privacy there either). Sri Lanka is a Buddhist majority nation, which also has Hindus, Muslims and Christians, and traditional values and more liberal social norms have generally co-existed well during its modern history. But there have been growing signs of conservatism. There is a movement within a faction of President Mahinda Rajapaksa's government to ban alcohol (GASP!!!), which has been resisted by the tourist industry which stands to lose revenue as it is rebuilding after the end of a three-decade civil war in May 2009. In March, Sri Lanka refused a visa to the Senegalese-American R&B singer and rapper Akon to perform in Colombo after Buddhists protested over a video in which he appeared briefly showed scantily clad women dancing in front of a Buddha statue. Hundreds of people stormed the head office of Sri Lanka's largest private broadcaster, which was the media sponsor for the Akon concert, in the ensuing uproar. Now, even their smut is at stake. Everybody knows that the best way to crack down on “perverted & illegal sexual behavior” is to send them to prison… where there is absolutely none of that going on. So keep your eyes out for Sri Lankan porn stars on the lam. By the way, is it wrong that I’ll see a perfectly average name like… Katie Morgan while doing my job… and then wonder if it’s THAT Katie Morgan? I didn’t think so.

Emergency! - Sony Pictures has optioned the film rights to Neil Strauss' non-fiction book "Emergency!: This Book Will Save Your Life" and are planning a feature which could well be a star vehicle for Robert Downey Jr. reports Variety. Strauss' book follows his three year trip traveling through the United States and his encounters with a population that has lost its sense of invulnerability and safety thanks to ethnic and religious hatred, and global disasters both environmental and financial. The official book description reads: "'Emergency' traces Neil's white-knuckled journey through today's heart of darkness, as he sets out to move his life offshore, test his skills in the wild, and remake himself as a gun-toting, plane-flying, government-defying survivor. It's a tale of paranoid fantasies and crippling doubts, of shady lawyers and dangerous cult leaders, of billionaire gun nuts and survivalist superheroes, of weirdos, heroes, and ordinary citizens going off the grid." Sounds like a great flick, right? Especially for Robert Downey Jr.? Kind of a “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” meets "Zombieland" meets “Into the Wild” or something. Allan Loeb ("Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps") is adapting the screenplay while Downey Jr., Susan Downey, and Michael DeLuca will produce. So there you go… nothing to fear. Iron Man is out there trying to restore your sense of safety & invulnerability. It’s going to be okay.

Anyway, JL Clyde will be coming to visit this weekend allegedly… so I’m looking forward to that. I’m sure there will be sushi & whimsical adventures involved… and plenty of pictures since it’s going to be beautiful sunshine the entire weekend (and just bitterly cold). Just a few more weeks until everything’s encased in snow again. Oh well, it’s still gorgeous… and I really like it out here. Miss all y’all reading this though, madly. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Mostly Sunny & Snowing

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's actually completely sunny outside right now...yet snowing. It's quite funny. You see the snow hit the ground...and then immediately disappear, like not even a little water residue. I've been trying to take a decent picture of it but to no avail. Anyway, hella busy day at work today…but hey, that’s what happens when you spend half of your day in managerial training and then the other half catching up on a full day of work…plus learning new duties to help out the team. That’s what I like about the job though, it allows me to grow & learn new things and have new opportunities (except my paycheck stays the same…for now). Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My first softball game is on Wednesday. There’s a chance of yet more snow over the next week. I’ve been a little ill the past few days, basically just a runny nose…but I’m over it now. I think my mom’s on her way back from Alaska…but because she has no idea what a cell phone is for, there’s really no way to find out. K-Fish may be visiting this week…but same thing with the cell phones. I hope she’s not expecting a timely ride from the airport if she’s not going to tell me when it is. Sigh… women. Am I right? No? Okay, maybe not. So yeah, since there’s really not a lot of news concerning me…here’s some about the rest of the world…

Laser Reaper - Death need not be a grim affair, especially for the living, and at a new columbarium in Singapore, the deceased can depart, rock concert style (No, not drug overdose, stage dive malfunction, or being burned alive at a Great White concert...and RIP Dio). Unlike most traditional Buddhist funeral ceremonies that follow cremation, there is no incense and no monks offering prayers at the Nirvana Memorial Garden columbarium, where the urns holding the remains of the dead are stored. You read right. The Nirvana…Memorial Garden. That’s just coincidence though. Instead, curtains draw automatically to reveal the deceased's urn which is placed atop a pedestal, machine-generated smoke fills the prayer hall and a booming recorded voice, accompanied by chants, speaks words of comfort and talks about death. (I was hoping for “Are you READY TO ROOOOOCK???”) The columbarium boasts a $2 million sound and light system. Its resident Buddha statue pulsate gently with LED lights and, as a final touch, a ray of bright white light shines on the urn of the deceased symbolizing the ascent to heaven. "This is just 60 percent of what we can offer," said Jessie Ong, who works for Nirvana Memorial, the company that runs the columbarium. "We are still fine tuning the laser lights." Most columbariums are dark, eerie places, with floors littered with incense ash and urns piled high to the ceiling in tiny pigeonholes, each adorned with a picture of the deceased. But in Nirvana Memorial, luxury and space are aplenty. "This is not a place for people to come only once a year to visit their parents or relatives, we want to create an environment to encourage them to come as often as possible," Jeff Kong, director of Nirvana Memorial Singapore, told Reuters. The so-called "six star" columbarium is Singapore's first luxury final resting place and the brainchild of Malaysian-based NV Multi Corp which has other similar projects in Southeast Asia. Buddhism is the most followed religion in Singapore, with over 40% of the population declaring themselves believers, according to the latest census. Most of these practice a form of the religion that incorporates elements of Taoism and traditional Chinese faiths. The 11,200 square meter (120,600 sq ft) columbarium is fully air-conditioned and carpeted, with a skylit lobby and an indoor car park. After it is fully opened in 2011, the $22 million facility will host up to 50,000 niches for urns spread across 11 suites designed with feng shui elements in mind. Each of the suites also feature lounges furnished with sofas and rosewood furniture for families to rest when they visit. To access the niches, families are given electronic keycards. The company plans to open a restaurant in the columbarium as well as set up a system to send electronic reminders to families to pay their respects to their relatives on death anniversaries and birthdays (Grieve-mail?). The price of such luxury, however, does not come cheap. Compared to a state-run facility which costs close to $360 for a single niche, prices here start at $22,000 for a double niche in the Royal Suite and $93,000 for a cubicle that stores up to 32 urns in the Family Suite. There are also "economy" class niches that range from $2,200, and the facility accepts payment in installments. Madam Goh, a woman in her 60s who only gave her family name, bought a niche for herself at the facility and said the investment was worth it. "This place is clean, comfortable and much less eerie than the traditional columbariums," she said. Yes, because the last thing you want in a place where the charred remains of your ancestors are…is an eerie feeling. Wow, $22,000 for a niche. Oh…and a b**chin’ stage show complete with fog lights, lasers & a eulogy from the Buddhist equivalent of Alice Cooper. I assume that’s included too. I like the thought. You know, basically being a fancy hotel for ashes and all…complete with restaurant, lounge area…and probably a full-service spa since it is Singapore…but it’s just a little out of my price range. The Family Suite seems like it would be a great bargain though.

Panda Update – Speaking of things dying in Asia, China plans to build a center where giant pandas born in captivity will be trained to survive in the wild, state media reported Thursday. The $8.8 million (60 million yuan) center will be located in Sichuan province's Dujiangyan city, according to Zhang Zhihe, the head of the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. The facility is expected to house three to five giant pandas when it is completed within five years. The center will include 21.5 acres of an experimental zone, along with 2,800 acres of woodlands, Zhang said. Groundbreaking for the new center starts at the end of the month, Xinhua said. Giant pandas are among the world's most endangered species (because they apparently won’t have sex). Some 1,600 pandas live in the wild, while more than 300 pandas are raised in captivity in China. Zookeepers hope to slowly train pandas to reduce their dependency on humans. In the initial five to 10 years, they will still live in cages in the experimental zone. After that, pandas that adapt well will switch over to living in caves and be trained to forage for food, but they will still receive frequent checkups and participate in artificial breeding (bow chicka bow wow). From there, they will transition to living in a largely "natural" zone with little human contact, before being released into the nearby large natural reserve, Zhang said. The entire process would require a minimum of 15 years, he said. China had started a giant panda training project in 2003 to teach the animals to live in the wild, but that project suffered a big setback. Xiang Xiang, a male panda who had been trained for three years, was found dead in a remote part of the Wolong Nature Reserve in 2007, a year after he had been released into the wild. Why? He was never taught Wuxia, the martial arts!!! Seriously, do I have to do everything myself when it comes to saving pandas? I already gave the world Panda Porn five years ago. I taught them how to f**k, now I have to teach them to fight too. I’m guessing Judo would probably be the best technique given their short legs and…we’ll say “dense” figures. Get the opponent to the ground, then go for the jugular. No mercy. Apparently it’s up to me to turn these super-sized plush toys into rockin’, sockin’, f**kin’ animals that are going to last into the 22nd century. Well China, I need moving expenses, a steady paycheck, a place to live & a few lovely assistants. Send me an email when you’re ready to receive me.

Green Card 2 - Prosecutors say the marriage of a couple at Fairy Tale Weddings in North Dakota was a fairy tale fraud. Federal court documents released Wednesday say 23-year-old Jeffrey Goble agreed to marry 28-year-old Alma Numic for $15,000 so the Bosnian woman could obtain U.S. citizenship in 2008. Goble is now charged with marriage fraud (that’s seriously a charge?). He could face up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted (I guess so). A message left for his public defender wasn't returned. Numic has since moved to Bosnia (that b**ch!). Court documents say the pair met through Goble's co-worker but parted ways after the wedding. Fairy Tale Weddings didn't return messages. The Grand Forks wedding business’ website encourages couples to "Let your imagination create your wedding day." Okay, so…why am I mentioning this? Sheer surprise. I had no idea that there was such a thing as Marriage Fraud. Seriously. I know there’s the whole movie comedy thing like “Green Card” and “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” where there’s apparently some government body that checks to make sure you guys are really in love or whatever…but seriously, I’ve known many a marriage that could be considered fraud & there’s no jail sentence (unless you count spousal support…which I do). Look, a respect the sanctity of marriage. I really do. I may sound cynical about it…but hey, I’m single. Always have been. That being said, there was one time that I briefly considered doing something like this. It’s true. $teve almost got married to help out a friend who faced deportation when her student visa expired. Then again, it was an extremely cute Italian girl so…win-win, baby. Anyway, she chickened out (and I think her boyfriend wasn’t fond of the idea) so it never happened…and I think they’re in Ireland now. Now, if a cute 28-year-old Bosnian girl was facing deportation…and needed a superhero to step in and save the day…and grant her the American Dream, would I do it? Reno’s only 30 minutes away and there’s a variety of chapels for me to choose from. Of course for legal purposes as well as protecting the sanctity of marriage, I have to say that you should only marry for Love and you should have a strong, healthy relationship with your partner before getting married…but I’m also a huge fan of legal loopholes, speed dating & drive-thru weddings ministered by the King. Besides, my brother’s marriage was a f**king joke from the beginning…and there was no investigation into whether it was so that some heartless c**t could sap my brother & mother dry. I guess the main thing was that they agreed on the money exchange beforehand or something…as opposed to in a court of law at the divorce. Love the legal system. So if any of you Brazilian girls out there are looking for a free pass to dual citizenship… call me.

Milla Update - British actress Juno Temple (“Year One”) is in negotiations to play the royal highness in Paul W.S. Anderson's upcoming 3D version of "The Three Musketeers" for Summit Entertainment says The Hollywood Reporter. Yes, another 3 Musketeers reboot. There’s only been like a thousand of those. The actress joins Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson (“Beowulf”), Luke Evans, Matthew Macfayden, Christoph Waltz (“Inglorious Basterds”), Mads Mikkelsen and last but certainly not least, my baby mama Milla Jovovich who also star in the film. Shooting kicks off in August. It could be a pretty good movie. The cast seems solid…and it’s the timeless tale of Alexander Dumas (IN F**KING 3D!!!). Best of luck to you Paul W.S. Anderson (who is…in actuality, Milla’s baby daddy).

Dangers of Viagra - Tokio Hotel guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper on Friday he fell ill after taking too many Viagra tablets and could not see straight for days (and walked with a limp). Kaulitz, 20, told Bild newspaper that someone offered him a Viagra tablet during a concert tour of Asia. After first turning down the offer, Kaulitz said he decided to try one. He said a little later he took a second one and fell ill. "I first asked the seller 'Do I look like someone who needs help with that?'" said Kaulitz, whose brother Bill is the group's lead singer. "He said 'no' -- but that I should nevertheless try it out. I popped one in." Kaulitz, a member of the German rock band that has sold millions of albums around the world, said he took a few more tablets used to treat impotence when he got back to his hotel. "I popped a few more pills, probably too many. The next morning my head was pounding and everything in front of my eyes was blurry. It wasn't fun anymore. It was pretty bad." Kaulitz said it took two days for the effects to wear off. "Unfortunately there were situations where it just wasn't appropriate." Is this what rock has been reduced to? Guitarists OD’ing on impotency pills? Also, of all the pills to be handed out on an Asian rock tour – Viagra? Not some mystical sh*t from Bangladesh or some glowing orange pills out of the Golden Triangle…but a tiny blue diamond that some kid probably stole from his dad? However, there are other side effects to Viagra other than blurred vision, raging erections & public ridicule.

Viagra & Hearing Loss - Men who take Viagra could be at an increased risk for long-term hearing loss, a new study suggests. The results show that, among 11,525 men over age 40, those who took Viagra or other drugs that act in a similar manner, called phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors (PDE-5i), were twice as likely to also report hearing loss as were men who had not used the drugs. The findings suggest that the current government warning regarding hearing loss and the use of PDE-5i medications, which include Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, is warranted, said study researcher Gerald McGwin, a professor of epidemiology in the University of Alabama at Birmingham School of Public Health. In 2007, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced labeling changes for PDE-5i medications so that the risk of hearing problems was more prominently displayed. This action was taken after several case studies that linked PDE-5i use and sudden hearing loss were reported. The current work is the first epidemiologic study to evaluate the relationship between PDE-5i drugs and long-term hearing loss. Epidemiology is the study of the distributions of diseases or health problems in populations along with the factors that might affect those problems. However, the study only shows an association, and not a direct cause-effect link, and more research is needed to back up the findings. The work also has several shortcomings, including the fact that those who took these drugs could have pre-existing conditions that might also contribute to hearing loss. Also, older individuals, whom the study is based on, are already at risk for hearing loss. "Though there are limitations to this study, it is prudent that patients using these medications be warned about the signs and symptoms of hearing impairment and be encouraged to seek immediate medical attention to potentially forestall permanent damage," McGwin said. The results are published in the May 18 issue of the journal Archives of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery. The relationship was strongest for men reporting use of sildenafil (generic form of Viagra) over those who used tadalafil (Cialis) or vardenafil (Levitra), a finding McGwin attributes in part to a small sample size for both of the latter drugs. McGwin said the findings indicated an elevated but not statistically significant increase in hearing loss for users of tadalafil and vardenafil. PDE-5i drugs were originally designed to treat pulmonary hypertension and are now used extensively in the treatment of erectile dysfunction (ED). McGwin said it is important to consider whether there really could be a plausible biological mechanisms for how these drugs might cause hearing loss. "PDE-5i medications work in ED patients by their ability to increase blood flow to certain tissues in the body. It has been hypothesized that they may have a similar effect on similar tissues in the ear, where an increase of blood flow could potentially cause damage leading to hearing loss." The FDA originally decided to feature warnings about hearing loss on labels for PDE-5i drugs after 29 cases of the problem were reported between 1996 and 2007. The hearing loss was reported to occur within hours to days of taking the drugs. The FDA urges those who experience hearing problems while on the drugs to stop taking the medications and call their doctor. See, I knew about this years ago…because that’s exactly right. The increase in blood flow can cause damage to the fragile ear tissues. Also, another reason for the hearing loss could be that they’re just old dudes…who like rock music at high volumes…but my favorite explanation – The joyous screams of their boisterous lovers. Having never taken or studied Viagra, I can’t begin to make a scientific correlation…but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to my hearing.

Fox Update – Speaking of hotties & screaming, in a surprisingly sudden axing, Megan Fox will not return to star in "Transformers 3," which began shooting this week in Los Angeles. The actress last year likened franchise director Michael Bay to Hitler and Napoleon, and said he was "a nightmare to work for." (Yeah, my boss would've fired my ass too) Still, it is unusual to eliminate an actor or actress so closely associated with the movie, not to mention a key character in the movie, just as it begins production. The move is also unusual since word around Hollywood talent agencies was that Bay and writer Ehren Kruger were planning on creating a female nemesis for Fox (mmm... catfight). Bay and company now plan to take the story "in another direction," according to insiders, and will cast a new love interest. The third installment of the popcorn blockbuster had been amassing a higher level of actors, with John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and Patrick Dempsey being new additions. Fox returns to theaters next month in "Jonah Hex." Her non-involvement in "Transformers 3" was first reported by Deadline.com. There were rumors of her being sacked, but Fox's publicist released a statement saying "Megan Fox will not be starring in 'Transformers 3'. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best." Deadline added to the story saying the decision was ultimately up to director Michael Bay and that Ehren Kruger's script gives Shia's character "a new love interest [which] makes more sense for the story." Really? That's what you were worried about? Making a movie that made sense? Did you see the 2nd one? Seriously, they teleported all over the world. In fact, I remember one scene in particular where they were in the Air & Space Museum in Washington DC, walked through a hole in the wall, and were magically teleported to a field of abandoned aircraft that, I believe, is located in the Arizona desert. In the few hours since then however several potential replacement names have already emerged with actress Gemma Arterton ("Prince of Persia", "Clash of the Titans" & "Quantum of Solace") said to be the leading candidate according to The Wrap. Also in the running are Brooklyn Decker (Andy Roddick's girlfriend), Bar Rafaeli (DiCaprio's girlfriend) and Aussie supermodel Miranda Kerr (Orlando Bloom's partner) with the latter two having apparently already read for the role. Filming kicks off this month. Sigh... good. Now I don't have to give a sh*t about Transformers movies anymore. Seriously, I don't even think Dinobots could peak my interest now. After how horrible the sequel was...and now not even a few obviously constructed scenes to show off Megan Fox in jean undies, spray-on tans and/or running around with her mouth open and chesticles flailing? Yup, done. Best of luck, Michael Bay. I hope Megan wins an Academy Award now. Then again... I do fancy Gemma Arterton... Damn it, I'm so torn. Oh wait, no I'm not. The Fox always wins.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'm gonna go stand in the solar snow outside for a bit...then maybe cook up some delicious dinner. I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend full of magnificent adventures. Keep me posted on them okay? Have a great weekend!!!

Take Me to Your Yeast Mine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

March Madness is about to begin. It doesn’t seem like the University of Utah is going to be in the tournament this year (and I refuse to root for BYU & they play tonight in Slick City). So maybe I’ll just have to root for the U in the MWC tournament because that’s really their only shot. Let’s see, what else? Oh, I had a fantastic time helping my mom set up her Facebook account over the phone last night. See, she’s not the most technologically advanced person in the world (did I mention her day job is working with intercontinental ballistic missiles?) but we got the basics down for her…eventually. For example, it took us about ten minutes…for her to remember her email address and password…that she put in a few minutes earlier. “How do I find you?” “I have a better idea. I’m going to find you. (Search her name) Ugh…which one are you? Did you put your hometown in or anything?” “My what?” “What information did you put in? There’s a lot of people with your name.” “Oh, I don’t know.” “(Sigh) Okay, gimme a minute. I’ll have to check each one to see if you’re here.” After checking the 6th one, “Okay I think I found you here. I’ve sent you a friend request.” “A what?” “A message is going to pop up that says you have a Friend Request from Dr. $teve Love. When that happens, you click on it…and hit Accept if you want to be my friend.” “And if not?” “Then you can just go f**k yourself (love ya mama)” Eventually, she was able to figure out how to accept it…and then there was “Okay, no how do I find Mrs Wingman?” “You know what, I’m just going to send you something here that’ll suggest you friend everybody that I know…that you know. Just gimme a minute.” It was at this time…that I realized how few of my friends know my mom…and even fewer she would remember. Luckily there were a few relatives so she’d have at least a dozen friends. Then she asked me, “Do I want to be a friend with (Crack Whore)?” “Why would you want to do that?” “Because I can.” “Do you think she would accept you as a friend?” “Probably not.” “I wouldn’t…but that’s primarily because I’m scared she’d give my computer some kind of a virus.” Anyway, the joys of Facebook. So if you get a friend request from some lady who you’ve never heard of…but has me as a friend in common, just accept it. You’ll make her day.

Last night, I watched a movie that probably none of you have seen. Why? Well, because I think it came out on DVD yesterday…and I’m pretty sure that it didn’t make it to too many theatres. It’s called “Gentlemen Broncos” and is from the director of “Napoleon Dynamite” & “Nacho Libre” which…I didn’t particularly care for either. I mean…aside from the occasional half-chuckle that if I were to translate into English would have said, “I admire you trying to be funny in the most boring way possible” then I spent my time trying to fight off sleep and wondering why the movie was ever made. I understand the whole distinctive form of filmmaking that Jared Hess does where the backdrop is fairly basic, rural locals like Idaho…and the plots are kind of hum-drum everyday occurrences for the most part…and the actors are purposely awkward in appearance and mannerisms to get a certain appeal…but it’s just not my bag. Anyway, I thought I’d give this one a chance regardless. It’s the story of a young home-schooled man who spends his time reading & writing sci-fi novellas. His mom (Jennifer Coolidge a.k.a. Stifler’s Mom) makes the worst dresses on planet Earth. Anyway, one day he goes to a seminar where he meets his favorite writer, Dr. Ronald Chevalier (Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords”) and he enters a contest where he might win a thousand copy publishing deal (oooh). Dr. Chevalier is falling on hard times or a creative slump or something…and then he stumbles upon this kid’s story called “Yeast Lords: The Bronco Years” and decides to plagiarize it. Long story short, the kid finds out…and then the movie goes on. It has its moments…but honestly, my favorite part is the cheesy fantasy sequences while they read the story & the plagiarized version where Sam Rockwell (“Choke”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”) plays Bronco / Brutus in just some of the most ridiculous ways. “Take me to your yeast mine. I am your soldier.” Hot, right? I’m totally going to use that line someday. Anyway, if you liked Napoleon Dynamite, then check it out. If not, pass. Here’s some more news…and again, like yesterday, they concern the Future…

Spider-Man Fired – Everybody’s affected by the economic situation. Even imaginary superheroes. Time to update that resume, Spider-Man. You're fired! Don't fret though, the web-slinger will still be keeping New York City safe from Venom and Carnage and any number of other dastardly villains he's tangled with over the years. But beginning Wednesday, he's going to have to do it between trips to the unemployment line (unless Jim Bunning f**ks that up). That's the day Peter Parker, Spider-Man's nice guy alter-ego, hears the words, "You're fired" from his cranky, long-suffering boss, Mayor J. Jonah Jameson. (Seriously? He’s Mayor of New York now? Oh yeah, this is the universe where Colbert is President) Worse still, Jameson not only sacks Parker, who makes his living as a photojournalist, he blacklists him with every news organization in town (dick!!!). This of course raises all kinds of interesting questions:

• How will Parker maintain his Spider-Man costumes? Dry-cleaning bills alone must run to several hundred dollars a year.
• How will he keep buying the stuff he uses to spin those industrial-strength webs needed to hop from building to building? Surely he doesn't pick that up at the 99 Cents Store.
• Where is his next meal coming from? Would he be reduced to spinning webs outside supermarkets and trapping shopping carts in them?

Worst of all, it just gives him something else to b**ch and cry about. “Waaah, I can’t tell Mary Jane that I love her. Too much responsibility. I don’t wanna be Spider-Man. I’m tired of Top Ramen. Why did I think that freelance photographer for a newspaper was a good career choice in New York City? Everybody’s a photographer & nobody reads the newspaper.” Could this be when Spiderman loses it and mugs Wall Street fat cats? Only time will tell. "Because we still want to sell comic books, I can't answer those questions," laughs Joe Quesada, editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics, which reveals the web spinner's latest crisis in Issue No. 623. But while hard times may lie ahead, Spider-Man has gotten through hard times before. Just two years ago his marriage to beautiful Mary Jane came to an end when the villain Mephisto erased everyone's memory of it (I’m sure with booze & ruffies like in the Hangover). He landed on the unemployment line this time not because of the recession or even a downsizing news industry. You probably guessed it already, but it was because of an evil villain. Spider-Man got wind of a plot to frame Jameson and exposed it by digitally manipulating photos he'd taken as Peter Parker (GASP!!!). Of course to do that he had to violate journalism ethics (What are those?) by misrepresenting the images. Jameson, longtime publisher of the Daily Bugle, could never tolerate that. And just why would Peter Parker / Spider-Man do such a thing anyway? "Just because he has super powers doesn't mean he's perfect," says Quesada. Sigh… silly, stupid superheroes. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. What’s the moral of the story? Have a backup plan? If your “day job” is to be a non-essential part of a failing industry, then you might want to also dabble in saving the day. The only problem is…make sure that whatever the second job is pays. Justice & saving mankind don’t put food on the table.

Worst Wedding Ever? – Yesterday was talking about a wedding where the bride went into labor. Today involves jealousy, possible adultery, assault, battery & probably future prison rape. A newlywed Massachusetts couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. Police say 22-year-old Hyannis resident Marissa Ann Putignano-Keene tried Monday to run over the other woman and the woman's son in a parking lot. The intended victim later told police that she had previously been in an intimate relationship with the groom. Police say the couple got married at Barnstable Town Hall and split a bottle of Champagne afterward (gasp, alcohol was involved?). The bride was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Her husband, 37-year-old Timothy Keene, was riding in the car with her and was charged with disorderly conduct. Both were released Tuesday. It was unclear if either had hired an attorney…but I would think highly recommended. As bad as this story sounds, I feel a little ray of hope. Why? The groom is 37…and the bride is 22. There may still be hope for me yet…and who cares if she’s a little psychotic, most women are after a half bottle of champagne and I’m not giving her the keys anyway. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that reception. A line of people congratulating and hugging the newlyweds, then up walks a mysterious woman to the bride, “Hey Tim, great to see you again. Congratulations.” “Thanks Amy, great to see you again too. This is my wife Marissa.” “Pleasure to meet you, Amy. Where do you know Tim from?” “Oh, well ugh…we were ugh…a-hem, friends from a few years back. We ugh… got reunited on Facebook about a year ago & he invited my son & I to the wedding.” A cold stare goes across the bride’s face. “Friends huh? Son eh?” She looks at the son…and sees a resemblance to her new husband’s elementary pictures. The night continues, drinks are had, the chicken dance is performed, yet the bride seems distant. “What’s wrong sweetie?” “You f**ked her, didn’t you?” “What? Who?” “Amy. You f**ked her.” “Well, yeah…but it was…gosh, ten years ago.” “I KNEW IT!!!” “Honey, you’re overreacting…and frankly, you’re scaring me.” “Oh, I’m scaring you? I’m scaring YOU? You cheated one me.” “What? No, never. I love you. Jesus, that was years ago. I was single & you were in the 6th grade.” Reason & logic has no place in the realm of the drunken bride. She grabs her keys and heads for the car. “Honey, come back. This is stupid.” He follows her out the door and into the car. “Look, we talked about this. We had both been with others before we met each other.” “I can’t even look at you right now.” Just then, Amy & her son are walking out to her car as its past his bedtime, directly in front of the couple. The engine is revved. “Honey, what are you doing?” Rev. “Oh f**k!!! Honey don’t!!!” Yeah, sometimes ridiculous drama is worth it…but only if you’re a spectator.

Marriage or Just Live Together? - U.S. marriages last longer than unions where couples live together outside matrimony, the Centers for Disease Control reported on Tuesday. Hmm, funny that the CDC would be studying marriage…but perhaps it was to find a cure for The Love Bug. About 78% of marriages lasted five years or more, compared with less than 30% of what the CDC called cohabiting unions, or couples living together outside marriage. One reason cohabitations were shorter-lived than marriages is that 51% of couples who lived together made the transition to marriage within three years, CDC said in a statement. Over 40% of men and women aged 15-44 were married in 2002 when the interviews were conducted, compared with 9% who were living together. The report was based on a nationally representative sample of 12,571 men and women. Other findings:

• The odds of staying together 10 years or longer in a first marriage are better for couples of the same racial origin, the report found. (Is it racist if it’s still true?)


• Nearly 80% of couples who have their first child at least eight months after their first marriage are likely to celebrate their 10th anniversary; those who don't have children are more than twice as likely not to last 10 years.


• About 75% of marriages between men and women 26 years old or older last at least 10 years, compared with only about half of teen marriages.
  

So what does this all mean? Well, for one, the CDC has no idea how to conduct a survey. Okay, 78% of marriages lasted five years, while only 30% of cohabiting unions did. Why? Because half of them got married. Ugh…so basically something like 65% of cohabiting unions last five years or got married? Compare that to 78% of just plain marriages and its not a huge difference. Also, is it really surprising that 80% of married couples with children lasted ten years. Let’s face it, unless you’re a dead beat bastard, you’re stuck with each other for AT LEAST 20 years whether you’re married or not. Besides, divorce is expensive, more so than a loveless marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a study where divorce rates dropped suddenly over the past two years or so. Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s whether it’s better to live together before getting married…or just to take the plunge. What do you think? Personally, I feel that I would have to live with somebody for a while before getting married. Why? Consider it a test drive. I’m not perfect…and I’m going to guess that she isn’t either. Does she mind that I don’t do the dishes every single night? Is she going to freak out because I used a towel to wash my hands…but it was allegedly a hideous decorative towel? Does she snore? Do I snore? Is her constant nagging about allegedly needing new furniture going to wear us down? Is she a blanket hog? Am I a blanket hog? Am I going to miss Monday Night Football because she wants to see Dancing with the Stars? She may enjoy the benefits of me working out…but will she enjoy the smell immediately afterwards? Or will she join me in the shower? Will she get insanely jealous and run over an ex-girlfriend and her son? Granted, these little things aren’t usually deal breakers but it’s good to know exactly what you’re getting into before (what I still consider) a major commitment. So yeah, I’m a big fan of the moving in together…but then again, I’ve never even been close to either situation before. Oh sweet naïve $teve… Someday, when your life has passed you by, you’ll look around and wonder why you were always there for me. Wait, that’s Sugar Ray. Anyway, what do you think? I wanna hear some personal examples. Did you go straight to marriage? Did moving in beforehand completely ruin the romance? Did it teach you things about your partner that were deal breakers? Well, I can always look forward to the Future to find my own references…

Apocalypse Update – Or can I? The fossilized remains of a 67 million-year-old snake found coiled around a dinosaur egg offer rare insight into the ancient reptile's dining habits and evolution, scientists said Tuesday. The findings, which appeared in Tuesday's issue of the PLoS Biology journal, provide the first evidence that the 11.5-foot-long snake fed on eggs and hatchlings of saurapod dinosaurs, meaning it was one of the few predators to prey on the long-necked herbivores. They also suggest that, as early as 100 million years ago, snakes were developing mobile jaws similar to those of today's large-mouthed snakes, including vipers and boas. "This is an early, well preserved snake, and it is doing something. We are capturing its behavior," said University of Michigan paleontologist Jeff Wilson, who is credited with recognizing the snake bones amid the crushed dinosaur eggs and bones of hatchlings. "We have information about what this early snake did for living. It also helps us understand the early evolution of snakes both anatomically and ecologically." Dhananjay Mohabey of India's Geological Survey discovered the fossilized remains in 1987, but he was only able to make out the dinosaur eggshells and limb bones. Wilson examined the fossils in 2001 and was "astonished" to find a predator in the midst of the sauropod's nest. "I saw the characteristic vertebral locking mechanism of snakes alongside dinosaur eggshell and larger bones, and I knew it was an extraordinary specimen," Wilson said. Mohabey theorized that the snake — dubbed Sanajeh indicus, which means "ancient gaped one" in Sanskrit — had just arrived at the nest and was in the process of gobbling a hatchling emerging from its egg. But the entire scene was "frozen in time" when it was hit by a storm or some other disaster and buried under layers of sediment. "We think the hatchlings had just exited its egg, and the activity attracted the snake," Mohabey said, adding that the site in Western state of Gujarat has revealed about 30 sauropod nests and at least two other snake specimens. Michael Benton of the University of Bristol, also writing in the PLoS Biology, said it can be difficult to determine the behavior of ancient organisms. But he said that it was "most likely, as the authors argue, that this snake was waiting and snatching juveniles as they hatched." "Of course, we cannot be entirely sure unless further specimens come to light showing the bones of juvenile dinosaurs in the stomach region of the snake," Benton said. Ashok Sahni, a senior scientist at the Indian National Science Academy who was also not involved in the dig, described the find as "truly remarkable" because it is rare for fossil bones to be preserved at the site of fossilized eggs. In an email he said, "The scientific significance of the find is that it actually demonstrates behavior in early evolved snakes and the size of chosen prey." So $teve, why is this an Apocalypse Update? Think about it. Around 67 million years ago, the dinosaurs suddenly & mysteriously died out…about the same time that snakes started to develop detachable jawbones so as to swallow eggs (the future generations) & other objects larger than their head. Do you not see the correlation here? In modern times, snakes are overrunning our national parks & civil servant offices…but how long will it take until they swallow our future generations? When will it reach the tipping point where they will outnumber us? If the dinosaurs didn’t make it, what chance do we have? I’ll tell you what chance we have, we must unite & use our superior minds to save us. I say that we make snake meat into the next big thing. Have you ever had a tasty snaky McNugget? They’re f**king delicious. It’s all 100% lean meat. Think about it. The whole animal is basically a big muscle but spends most of the time just relaxed and coiled in a ball. That’s gotta be some good tender meat. If there’s a market demand for it, then they will find a way to produce it. Then again, I must emphasize that it be wild game snake meat. We don’t want to be breeding them in farms or anything…and pumping them full of hormones to make them larger and give them more muscle. Yes, our science can save us…but it can also destroy us. Anyway, you fast food joints out there, let me know when you get those Snaky McNuggets and Grilled Snakehouse Burgers on the menu…and I’ll be sure to give you a shout-out. I’m sure it’ll even be a tax write-off because you’ll be saving the world. Don’t let snakes eat your children!!!

Anyway, on that note, I think I’ll call it a day. We’ve talked about the unemployment of heroes, loveless marriage, divorce, assault, inevitable serpentine doom and a Jared Hess movie. Hopefully tomorrow it’ll be a little more upbeat…but hey, I just go with what the news gives me…and occasionally a story about helping my mom use a computer. Happy March everybody!!! Two weeks until St. Patrick’s Day!!! Have a great day!!!

Let's Call It Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

By the way, has anybody noticed that I usually start off by saying “Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen” and then follow it up with a lot of sex & fart jokes? Classy, I know…but that’s what you’ve all come to expect…and as always, I try to keep it PG-13 (or Mature or Teen or whatever the equivalent is for online rating, NP for Non-Porn maybe). Let’s talk about the Future. Now, I’m going to take a step aside from my usual look to the Future…which usually involves Sexbots, reviews for movies that haven’t even been made yet, or the Apocalypse foretold in the Book of $teve brought upon by the rise of the Serpents. Instead, it’s going to be a little more… family-oriented. (Gasp!!! $teve talking about a future family? I believe this was in the Book of Revelations) Enough. As many of you know, family’s pretty damn important to me. So much so that instead of just saying “pretty important”, I decided to insert the “damn” at the last minute. Oh yes, it was cleverly thought out ahead of time. Now you know how I work. You know that I always talk about my mom, dad, even stepparents in the highest regard…and that’s because they’re basically the best parents a guy could ask for. I give my brother a hard time with some of the choices that he’s made (crack whore ex-wife) but hey, we all f**k up…and he’s done a great job of raising his two kids by himself (well, my mom helps). You all know that I have the cutest niece & nephew in the world…and I’m amazed with how quickly they’re growing up. “But $teve, what about you?” What about me indeed. Sure, I think about my future family from time to time…but as you know, I haven’t exactly been waist-deep in the ladies for a while (in this case, While is to Time as Nile is to River). Regardless, I’m looking to change that a bit. The past year or so has been a wee bit hectic…but I want to set up some roots. I plan on being here for a while…so we’ll see what’s out there for me around these parts…but until then, here are a few stories about the future that you might want to take note of.

Double Whammy – Fathers, husbands, have you been asked in the presence of both your wife & your children, “What’s the happiest day of your life?” Depending on who’s asking the question, it could just be a trap to either make your kids lose respect for you…or make your balls blue for the next few weeks. However, once in a great while, it’s pretty easy to please both parties. For example, an Ohio woman taken to a maternity ward in her wedding dress became a newlywed and a new mom on the same day. Jamie Phillips says she felt contractions while her father walked her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony Saturday in Toledo in northwest Ohio, but she thought it was a false alarm (“Oooh, too much hot sauce…”). It wasn't until after her water broke at the reception (“Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll get the waiter to bring you a new glass”) that she was rushed to a hospital in Sylvania. The baby boy, named Tova (sigh… more on this later), wasn't due until March 7th. His mother and her new husband, Mark Phillips, didn't think the baby would come quite so soon when they planned the wedding two weeks earlier. The parents say they wanted to "do the right thing" and get married before the baby's arrival, which is why they cut things so close. So from now on, whenever somebody asks Mark Phillips when the happiest day of his life is…he can reply Saturday, February 27th, 2010 and not be taking sides. “I married the love of my life, the same day that she gave birth to my glorious son…and the bachelor party the night before was pretty f**king awesome too. I had a good buzz going throughout the entire day.” “That’s great daddy. What was the 2nd happiest day?” “It was the day I divorced your mother & changed your name to Mark Junior. Seriously? Tova? What does that even mean? That’s like a test for alertness for ADD & concussions…or a company in Louisville that distributes baby formula. I even googled it…and it’s a girl’s name in Norway. Son, please don’t do drugs.” Come on now, you knew I was going to take it there. Everybody’s got to get that first marriage out of the way, right? I wish the Phillips a long & happy marriage until death do they part. I just think Tova’s an unusual name…especially for a boy.

Don’t Let Bills Get Out of Hand – In these rough financial times, you really have to stay on top of your bills. Keep track of all income and outgoing expenses…and maybe see where you can save a few bucks here and there. Why? Because otherwise this could happen. A Utah woman who lost title to her house over an unpaid $68 dental bill has been given a reprieve. The Utah Court of Appeals ruled Capri Ramos is entitled to another opportunity to void the sale of her house at a county auction for $1,550 (I wonder if it had the distinct smell of cat urine). The collection agency North American Recovery sued Ramos in 1995 over the dental bill. She didn't contest the lawsuit, not realizing the consequences. Her house in the Salt Lake City suburb of Glendale was sold the next year to a group of investors (again…for $1,550). On Thursday, the Utah Court of Appeals sent the case to 3rd District Court for a hearing on whether Ramos had proper notice of the sheriff's sale and whether the sale price was "grossly inadequate." Having lived near Glendale for a few years, that may be difficult to prove…but then again, not really. Hell, buying a house for what I usually have to pay for a month of rent, utilities & food? Maybe I need to learn Spanish and go to the county auction to see what’s out there. I’ve often thought about settling down and buying a home…but you know how my nomadic situation has been. It’s not bad…but I do sometimes feel like I’m wasting money by renting. So yeah, keep track of your bills. You don’t want to lose your house over a $68 dental bill. Even if she gets to keep it, it’ll cost her thousands in court costs at least.

Baby Name Update – Ah yes, the children. We already talked earlier about Tova…but here’s a study to follow that up. Celebrities aren't the only ones giving their babies unusual names. Compared with decades ago, parents are choosing less common names for kids, which could suggest an emphasis on uniqueness and individualism, according to new research. Essentially, today's kids (and later adults) will stand out from classmates. For instance, in the 1950s, the average first-grade class of 30 children would have had at least one boy named James (top name in 1950), while in 2013, six classes will be necessary to find only one Jacob, even though that was the most common boys' name in 2007. The researchers suspect the uptick of unusual baby names could be a sign of a change in culture from one that applauded fitting in to today's emphasis on being unique and standing out. When taken too far, however, this individualism could also lead to narcissism, according to study researcher Jean Twenge, of San Diego State University. The results come from an analysis of 325 million baby names recorded by the Social Security Administration from 1880 to 2007. The research team figured out the percentage of babies given the most popular name or a name among the 10, 20, or 50 most popular for that year and sex. Since it wasn't required that people get a social security card until 1937, names before that time may not be random samples of the population, the researchers note. Results showed parents were less likely to choose those popular names as time went on. For instance, in the late 1800s and early 1900s, about 5% of babies were named the top common name, while more recently that dropped to 1%.

• About 40% of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10% do.



• For girls, the percentage with a top-10 name dropped from 25% in about 1945 to 8% in 2007.



• Similar results were seen for the top-50 names. About half of girls received one of the 50 most popular names until the mid-20th century. Now, just one in four have these names.
  

(A list of top-10 baby names by year, and their popularity, can be found here.) This trend in baby-naming didn't show a constant decrease. Between 1880 and 1919, fewer parents were giving their children common names, though from 1920 to the 1940s common names were used more often than before. Then, when baby boomers came on the scene, so did more unusual names (I blame hippies). The biggest decrease in usage of common names came in the 1990s, said Twenge, who is also an author of "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" (Free Press, 2009) and "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever Before" (Free Press, 2007). The results held even when the researchers accounted for immigration rates and increasing Latino populations, which could bring relatively less common names into the mix. "The most compelling explanation left is this idea that parents are much more focused on their children standing out," Twenge told LiveScience. "There's been this cultural shift toward focusing on the individual, toward standing out and being unique as opposed to fitting in with the group and following the rules." The positive side of individualism, Twenge said, is that there is less prejudice and more tolerance for minority groups. But she warns that when individualism is taken too far, the result is narcissism. "I think it is an indication of our culture becoming more narcissistic," Twenge said. Past research has shown that back in the 1950s parents placed a lot of importance on a child being obedient, which has gone way down. "Parenting has become more permissive and more child-focused and [parents] are much more reluctant to be authority figures." As for whether these unusually named kids will have personalities to match is not known. "It remains to be seen whether having a unique name necessarily leads to narcissism later in life. If that unique name is part of a parent's overall philosophy that their child is special and needs to stand out and that fitting in is a bad thing, then that could lead to those personality traits." The research is detailed in the January issue of the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, since I know you’re interested.

Now, I’ve talked about naming my future children before… and with the proper warning that it will never truly be considered in real life…because I give that duty to the future mother. I mean…let’s face it. If she passed the child through her Holiest of Holies, then I think she gets to name it. Think about it. That’s like her claiming to name one of your deuces (and yes, I just compared a child to a log of feces…but it’s to prove a point). That being said, I think that a man is entitled to a veto vote. “There’s no way you’re naming my son Jasmine.” “But we’ll call him Jazz around the house.” “In honor of the racist Transformer? That’s ridiculous…and even if I like it, why not just let it be Jazz?” “Because he’s Mine too. Jazz-Mine, Jasmine.” “Jasmine is a scent of shampoo and the b**chy princess from Aladdin. Not a man’s name.” Trust me, I’ve witnessed worse conversations than that when discussing baby names with friends & family. Ladies, here me out on this. It’s called Compromise. Google that sh*t.

I’m gonna take you back almost 30 years into the past to a young married couple in Utah. They were expecting their first child…and at the time, didn’t know if it was going to be a boy or a girl. If it was a girl, the wife had always wanted to name her daughter Amber Dawn (lovely ring to it, right?) and the father was cool with that as well. Then there was the situation of a son. The mother had always liked the name Todd…because let’s face it, girls love gay men. That’s the only reasoning I could find for that name. The father did not agree. He was named after his father…and thought maybe his son should be the same. Surely not Todd. (By the way, if there are any Todds out there reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure you’re still cool) Well, it was almost game time…and the doctor informed them that their first child would be a masculine child. Now it was time for The Talk. They had to get a divorce. (Ha!!! Gotcha) No, not really…they just had to talk about what they were going to name this supreme being that will one day rule the cosmos with an iron fist & a golden rod…er, scepter. Jesus? No, it’s been done…and too much pressure to go to church, whereas the father was raised Catholic & the mother Mormon. Cobra? It is kinda cool to name a child after the place of conception…but that’s more of a codename for a secret mission into Nicaragua or something. How about a traditional Ottawa name like Comes with a Thunder? That would be difficult to fill out forms. First name Comeswitha, last name Thunder? Is that how it would work? So the discussion raged on (okay, probably not but just go with it) and then they stumbled upon a name…perhaps The Perfect Name – Steven. (Didn’t they say something about narcissism the last paragraph?) It was perfect. It was the father’s Christening name. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers, deacons & Hungary. Oddly enough, he too was a man filled with grace & power…and when it came to debate, there was no match for his wisdom & spirit. However, he died in 76 AD much like Jesus did – falsely accused & brought to unjust condemnation because he spoke the truth…and was stoned for it. Hey, I just googled all of that. I had no idea either. Weird, right? Not only that…but Steve McQueen was the King of Cool. But then another important decision had to be made – The Spelling. Do they go with Steven? Or Stephen? Or Stefan? Or some other unholy combination of letters? “Why don’t we go with the P-H spelling?” “Honey, he’s a man. To an illiterate person that might look like Stephanie. I think we should go with the V…and a dollar sign $ instead of an S.” So when it was all said & done, they compromised…and went with Steven with a V...and the middle name was that of the mother’s father…and the Love family lived happily ever after (until the divorce about 13 years later). So there you go, the story of my name. I’d bore you with the tale of my brother’s name…but I think they screwed up the spelling on that one. The point is to just communicate…express your Top 5 names or something…and who knows, you may stumble upon a similarity. If not, basically the final vote goes to the woman…but ladies, be considerate of your child. Sure, it may sound cute when they’re a baby…but they’re going to grow up and go to school one day & rue you for naming them Enis or Apple or Gilligan or whatever. It’s like the Knight in Last Crusade said, “Choose wisely.” And if you ever need ideas, I’m your guy. I’ll make it a process that you’ll agree with. I’m a great Delegator.

So there is hope for the Future…and it’s rooted in Love & Communication. Being honest now saves so much time & frustration later on. If you don’t like the name, let them know now…and more importantly, why. “Why don’t you like the name Troy?” “Because Troy Aikman’s a (bleeping bleep)” “Who’s Troy Aikman?” “The reason no self-respecting man would ever name their son Troy.” Just remember, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet…and I’m a huge fan of the traditional Chinese way of waiting 100 days before naming a child…but then what would you call it the first three months? The baby? “Aaaaw, what a cute baby. What’s her name?” “We’re waiting 100 days before we decide on one. It’s the traditional Chinese way.” “Oh. Any top contenders?” “I’m thinking Sh*t Machine but my wife’s been calling him Shudafukup…and he seems to be responding to that.” Gosh, I keep getting off point. Anyway, the Future is bright. Love. Communication. Hopefully one day I can share the story of my own children’s names and how they’ll forever hate me for naming them after a character in a Luc Besson movie or sold his naming rights on eBay…but hey, time will tell. Until then, have a great day everybody!!! Say it with me, “$TEEEEEEEVE!!!”

So You're Saying There's a Chance

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been snowing the past few days and a few feet of mostly powdery snow has fallen. It’s quite lovely when you’re not driving in it. Actually during lunch the other day, the Weather Channel was on the TV at work & they were talking about the Lake Tahoe area and the great snow that we get out here and the scenic beauty. I had to let out a “Wow, that place looks awesome. I may have to take a trip out there.” In typical fashion, after the snowstorm comes in & drops a foot or two, the next day is beautiful clear & sunny. Then it repeats over the course of about six months from what I’m told. Not a bad setup out here. You should all come enjoy it at least once. I warn you though. A lot of the locals that I meet came out here for a vacation…and have yet to go back to work a decade later.

Also, this morning I was brushing & scraping the two feet of snow & ice off my Jeep, Gretchen, while she was warming up. A little back-story, being a Richard Cheese Superfan, I was sent an advance copy of his latest album “OK Bartender” and it was in the CD player. Well, I’m finishing up brushing the Jeep off…neighbors nearby doing the same…and I open the door to get in just as Richard Cheese is belting out, “My neck, my back, lick my p***y AND my crack” (admit it, you all know the Khia song) and the neighbor closest to me gives me a weird look as I turn it down. “Ugh…is that…you singing?” “No. It’s a lounge singer named Richard Cheese.” “Oh okay, I’ve just noticed you singing songs like that before…and he kinda sounds like you.” “Oh…well thanks…I think.” Make awkward social advances, not war. P.S. Check out that new album…and help keep Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine in business. Maybe I can convince them to come to Truckee or South Tahoe or Reno or something.

While snowed in, I watched yet another Hitchcock classic for the first time, “North by Northwest” starring Cary Grant & Eva Marie Saint. It’s the story of an advertising man (Grant) and a case of mistaken identity with a spy. No matter what the story, everybody’s convinced that he’s a spy…and it forces him to go on the run. Along the way, in true Hitchcockian fashion, he meets a mysterious beautiful big breasted blonde (Saint) and get caught up in a web of lies, deceit, danger, suspense, double crosses, plot twists & occasional nookie. You know the oft-copied/parodied scenes of the biplane trying to run down somebody…or the foot chase on Mount Rushmore? It’s from this movie. I highly recommend checking it out. In vivid Technicolor. Now, the news…with a bit of a Chinese twist to it…

Starbury Goes Global – Remember Stephon Marbury? The ultra-talented point guard out of Coney Island (inspiration for Spike Lee’s “He Got Game”) with the Minnesota Timberwolves in the late 90’s/early 00’s that teamed with Kevin Garnett? Then wanted to be the big shot & pouted a lot…so he got traded around to a bunch of different teams? Then got traded to his hometown Knicks…and still pouted? Then just wouldn’t play or got benched or whatever the story is? Then left? Then signed with the Celtics last year…and played horribly? No? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Anyway, he plays basketball…and now he’s signed with a team in the CBA. No, not that CBA…but the Chinese Basketball Association (where the 6’3” guard will probably play center). The 32-year-old has agreed to a deal with the northern club and would arrive in Shanxi next week, the team announced on its official Web site. Shanxi boss Wang Xingjiang said, "The aim of signing Marbury is to pay back our fans and try to win more games in the rest of the season." The 2001 and 2003 NBA All-Star was expected to help boost Shanxi's ticket sales as well as their chances of making the playoffs. Shanxi is currently 15th in the 17-team league. In an interview posted on Shanxi's Web site, Marbury said he wasn't daunted by the language barrier. "I'll communicate with the fans through my basketball. I think this will be a unique experience. To go overseas to play ball, to live, for me it's a challenge." (God knows I’ve thought about it) Wang added that Marbury's salary would not be too high (still $25,000 a month) because he wants to promote his personal brand of shoes in China. Celtics coach Doc Rivers said he isn't surprised Marbury is back on the court. "I did not think he was done. I thought someone would actually pick him up this summer. I think he's going over there probably to prove that he can play." He isn’t the first to do this. Last season, Shanxi hired former NBA player Bonzi Wells, who scored as many as 50 points a game. The contract ended after less than two months though when Wells went on vacation but failed to return on time. So we’ll see how this goes for the troubled former superstar. I hope it turns his image around a bit. I still see him playing center in that league though. I remember when I went over there & saw the Shanghai Normal University basketball team, their center was under six foot. I wonder if their offer to play for them still stands…

Chinese Matchmakers - China's central government has set up a match-making website to help thousands of busy but lonely government workers find love at work (a.k.a. sh*t where you eat). "Are you still single and bitter?" asks the pink-themed website (https://owa.marriott.com/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/nm/od_uk_nm/storytext/oukoe_uk_china_love/34813947/SIG=10o4kvdd2/*http:/www.ywqq.gov.cn). Look no further. The official government website for the "Central Government Unions Magpie Bridge" featuring a young man and woman peering at each other around the corner of a log cabin calls itself "the most trustworthy matchmaking platform." "Members have high caliber, are well-educated and have stable jobs. All information has been confirmed by the labour union at their respective employer, and registered with the Ministry of Public Security, to assure accuracy and reliability." Magpie Bridge has so far attracted more than 5,000 civil servants from the central government and the Beijing municipal government since it was established in 2005. It is named after the bridge of birds that once a year connects mythical Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu (not to be confused with the mythical evil interstellar warlord of Scientology, Xenu). The website aims at providing a "pure and safe environment," different from commercial matchmaking sites which are notorious in China for being filled with fake personal information. It doesn't list a success rate but, at 100 Yuan ($13) for a year's subscription for a civil servant, it seems a bargain. Hmm, would that include maybe…a professional basketball player in a state-ran economy? Hmm, maybe I can find me some Love in China…and at a fraction of eHarmony’s rates…but then again, I’d be a sports star, getting mobbed in the subway all the time. “Thank you, thank you, I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re saying. Do you want me to sign your baby? Sign your baby? Is that why you’re holding it up to me? Do you have a Sharpie?” Ah memories…

Great Wall of Chaka - The Great Wall never looked so tasty. A team of Chinese confectioners have built a 10 meter (33 ft) long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese to eat more of the sweet stuff. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate and is one of the attractions at the World Chocolate Wonderland exhibition and trade show which will open to the public later this month. Chocolatier Wang Qilu said his version of the ancient wall was a feat of engineering in itself, with a carefully constructed crumbling section at one end to resemble the real thing (nice cover for a mishap). He also had to make sure his materials did not melt (bring it to Truckee). "You have higher and lower levels and you have to fit each brick into place, one by one, to build it up, it's difficult," he said. Up to 80 tons of chocolate (approximately 328 million calories by the way) were used in making the displays, which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the famous Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. The show's general manager, Tina Zheng, said she hoped the displays would give chocolate a boost in the Chinese market and its billion-plus consumers. "Chocolate has not been around in China that long, it doesn't have that several-thousand-year history that it does in the West which has made chocolate as common as milk or fruit. While in China, chocolate is a specialty or something given to children, in general, it is not widely known." Local and foreign chocolate manufacturers will take part in the show, she added. Mmm, sounds delicious. At least I know there’d be a pot of chocolate at the end of the bridge of magpies if I were to join Stephon over there. By the way, the original terracotta warriors were just made out of a flatbread that has been sitting for over 2000 years. It’s on the internet now. It has to be true. Okay, maybe not…but this is…

Marriage Finally Pays Off - Historically, marriage was the surest route to financial security for women. Nowadays it's men who are increasingly getting the biggest economic boost from tying the knot, according to a new analysis of census data. The changes, summarized in a Pew Research Center report being released Tuesday, reflect the proliferation of working wives over the past 40 years, a period in which American women outpaced men in both education and earnings growth. A larger share of today's men, compared with their 1970 counterparts, are married to women whose education and income exceed their own, and a larger share of women are married to men with less education and income (that’s basically the same statistic twice, right?). "From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage," wrote the report's authors, Richard Fry and D'Vera Cohn. "In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men." One barometer is median household income, which rose 60% between 1970 and 2007 for married men, married women and unmarried women, but only 16% for unmarried men, according to the Pew data. The report focused on U.S.-born men and women aged 30-44 — a stage when typical adults have finished their education, married and launched careers. The Pew report noted that today's Americans in this age group are the first such cohort in U.S. history to include more women than men with college degrees. In 1970, according to the report, 28% of wives in this age range had husbands who were better educated than they were, outnumbering the 20% whose husbands had less education. By 2007, these patterns had reversed with 19% of wives had husbands with more education, compared with 28% whose husbands had less education. Only 4% of husbands had wives who earned more than they did in 1970, compared with 22% in 2007. During that span, women's earnings grew 44%, compared with 6% growth for men, although a gender gap remains (is that anything like Baby Gap?). According to 2009 Census Bureau figures, women with full-time jobs earned salaries equal to 77.9% of what men earned, compared with 52% in 1970. The Pew researchers noted that the economic downturn is reinforcing the gender reversal trends, with men losing jobs more often than women. So gentlemen, if you just got laid off, maybe you should go bag yourself a wealthy wife. Get yourself a nice hot sugar mama, retire to the hills and raise a few beautiful children together. Then when your wife’s working long hours to get that promotion, and she shows up late for dinner AGAIN, and she’s too tired to be intimate after you’ve waited for her all day, and the kids would rather hang with their friends than you, and it seems the only person that acknowledges your existence is the poolgirl giving you the eye…or your wife’s best friend who lives down the street. OH YEAH!!! Not quite the same when the roles are reversed now is it? Sorry. I come from divorced parents. And I watch too much TV. I still think Marriage can be a great thing…despite what statistics show. It’s kinda like…there’s a lot of sh*tty art out there in the world…but every once in a while, you get the Sistine Chapel. It ain’t easy…but it’s worth it. Does that sound like a guy who’s never been married or what?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. OH!!! Big news – My brother may actually have a chance of keeping my niece. The judge ACTUALLY looked at the mountain of evidence against CW in the hearing the other day…and the worst fear was that they wouldn’t. (Even one of her other baby daddies is testifying…on my brother’s behalf) Tomorrow should be a big day, one way or another. Pray for my niece. I just hope that whatever happens she’ll be looked over by a responsible adult. That’s really what’s important…is that she’s safe. Have a great day everybody!!!