Happy Independence Day Everybody!!!
Showing posts with label $tevonia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label $tevonia. Show all posts
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
WE WON!!! WE WON!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
The softball season is over now… but we did end off our dreadful year with our first BIG WIN of the year, second overall. How did we do it? It may have had something to do with having a full gamut of players to where I was the extra hitter and not needed in the field. It may have had something to do with us working together as a team and feeling like we had nothing to lose (or gain) and just going out there and having fun (and plenty of drinks during & afterwards). It surely wasn’t my going 0-for-3 including grounding into two double plays (though I did get an RBI off a groundout and a walk which I eventually ran in). So yeah, we won 18-12 or something like that. Not bad. Then a few of us had drinks at the Fifty Fifty Brewery and talked about everything from the Jersey Shore (the real area not that god awful TV show) to work to the possibility of a basketball team. Stay tuned… Other than that, not a whole lot going on as far as I know. I keep hearing rumors that my brother will be coming… but no idea when (it happens when my mom’s in charge). So yeah… I’ll just get to the news…
Sudanese Cities – You know that I’m always on the pulse of events Mother Afrika and want to keep you posted on the rare levity and the seemingly endless plight of the motherland. Well, this… kind of has both. Southern Sudan has unveiled ambitious plans to remake its capital cities in the shapes found on their state flags, and an official says the government is talking with investors to raise the $10 billion the fanciful communities would cost. The plan in the war-torn region comes ahead of a scheduled January referendum on independence, which most people here believe will lead to the creation of the world's newest country ($tevonia?). The south is rich in oil, but poverty and hunger is high throughout the region, which is struggling to recover after a civil war more than two decades long. The $10 billion concept will take decades to carry out, officials concede, though it may never escape the planning stages. The southern government's own 2010 budget was only $1.9 billion, and the U.N. says more than 90% of Southern Sudan's population lives on less than $1 a day. The plans have evoked bemused smiles (or outright laughter) in Juba, a town that until two years ago barely had any paved roads. What are the proposed plans? Well, if you can’t tell from the picture, or remember the Sudanese flag, it is designing cities to be shaped like a giraffe, rhino, even a f**king pineapple. "It doesn't seem like the (Government of Southern Sudan) should be using its resources or staff time when the people of Southern Sudan lack basic services like health care and water," Nora Petty, an aid worker in Juba with the Malaria Consortium. Government officials concede that a lot of money is needed to finance the project, which includes a plan to transform two state capitals into the shapes of a giraffe and a pineapple. Juba — the capital of Southern Sudan — is to be reshaped into a compact rhino with two pointy horns. The new area will be called "Rhino City." I am not joking. This is the proposition… but keep in mind we have states called New Hampshire & New Jersey, that are basically named after farm animals. Officials said the plan would bring order to the city's chaotic layout (and strike fear into alien invaders). "Juba is made up of slums," said Jemma Kumba, the minister of housing and physical planning. Detailed architectural drawings of Rhino City show that Central Equatoria's police headquarters would be situated at the rhino's mouth, an amusement park at the ear (yes, an amusement park), an industrial area along the back and residential housing throughout the four legs. "It's very innovative. That's our thinking. It's unique. It's the Ministry of Housing thinking you have to be unique to attract the people," said Daniel Wani, undersecretary of Southern Sudan's Ministry of Housing and Physical Planning. If the animal-shaped towns come to be, they will join other famously shaped cities around the world. Dubai created several palm-shaped residential islands off its coast. In Argentina, planners shaped the town of Ciudad Evita into the form of Eva Peron, an actress and wife of former President Juan Peron who was known as Evita. Of course, per capita income in the United Arab Emirates, where Dubai is located, is around $42,000 a year. In Sudan, it's just $2,300.And unlike well-developed Dubai, Southern Sudan still lacks basic infrastructure such as roads to connect its state capitals. Outside the southern capital Juba, structures aside from mud huts are rare, and in Juba, services such as electricity and sewage are a luxury. The Minister of Roads and Transport, Anthony Makana, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that he needed up to $6 billion to pave 8,000 miles (13,000 kilometers) of roads in the south. Makana said the project would connect all of the southern state capitals, but he noted that funding is a concern, given that the government has not finished paying the contractors who built 4,350 miles (7,000 kilometers) of red clay and gravel roads since 2005, when the landmark peace accord between the north and south was signed. So we shall see if these animal cities comes to pass… but now I’m curious about that Eva Peron shaped city in Argentina. Brings about ideas for the infrastructure of Dollywood… I’m also pretty sure that’s why, thanks to strip mining, the city of Butte, Montana has a giant hole in the middle of it.
Kids Nowadays – Have you ever looked at school age kids and think “We’re f**ked!!! How did these kids get so stupid?”? Don’t feel bad. I do all the time. Now there’s evidence to support your negative view on children. Most young Americans entering university this year can't write in cursive, think email is too slow, that Beethoven's a dog and Michelangelo is a computer virus, according to an annual list compiled by two academics at a US college. To students who will get their bachelor's degrees in 2014, Czechoslovakia has never existed, Fergie is a pop singer, not a duchess; Clint Eastwood is a sensitive movie director, not Dirty Harry; and John McEnroe stars in TV ads, not on the tennis court, Beloit College's "Mindset" list says. The Mindset list was first compiled in 1998, for the class of 2002, by Beloit humanities professor Tom McBride and former public affairs director Ron Nief. It was intended as a reminder to faculty at the university that references quickly become dated, but quickly evolved to become a hugely popular annual list that gives a snapshot of how things have changed, and chronicles key cultural and political events that have shaped a generation. In the first Mindset list, McBride and Nief found that youngsters born in 1980 had ever known only one pope - Polish-born John Paul II, who was elected to the papacy in 1978 and died in 2008. For the class of 2003 -- born in 1981 (which I am a part of) and featured on the 1999 Mindset list -- Yugoslavia never existed and they were puzzled why Solidarity was sometimes spelled with a capital S. For classmates of mine who don’t know, Solidarity with a capital S was the first and only independent trade union in the Soviet bloc. It was created in 1980 and went on to negotiate in 1989 a peaceful end to communism in Poland, making the country the first to escape Moscow's grip. Nief and McBride take a year to put the list together, gathering outside contributions and poring over journals, literary works, and the popular media from the year of the incoming university students' birth. "Then we present the ideas to every 18-year-old whose attention we can get and we wait for the 'mindset moment' -- the blank stare that comes back at you that makes you realize they have no idea what you're talking about," Nief told AFP. Those moments make it onto the list. The class of 2005 -- born in 1983 -- thought of Sarajevo as a war zone, not an Olympic host, and had no idea what carbon paper was (and probably wonder what cc means on their email). Apartheid never existed in South Africa for the class of 2006 (except in Lethal Weapon 2 – “FREE SOUTH AFRICA YOU DUMB SON OF A B**CH!!!”), and for the class of 2007, "Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America." Okay, I didn’t even know that reference. The list is a mirror of how rapidly perceptions can change: to the class of 2013, boxer Mike Tyson was "always a felon" but to students who graduated five years earlier, Tyson was "always a contender." They’re both right. The list makes some people feel old, like those who remember what Michael Jackson looked like when he was singing in the Jackson Five or recall the days when there were only a handful of channels on television. Few students in the class of 2009 knew how to tie a tie and most thought Iran and Iraq had never been at war with each other (or that they’re a typo away from being the same country). And for US students who got their bachelor's degrees this year, Germany was never divided, professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics, there have always been reality shows on television and smoking has never been allowed on US airlines. So please… read a history book. Okay, so that’s not really the kind of research I was hoping for to support my despise for today’s youth… but here’s something that might cheer you up about them…
ACT Scores Down but… - Average scores on the ACT college entrance exam inched downward this year, yet slightly more students who took the test proved to be prepared for college, according to a report released Wednesday. The findings sound contradictory. But the exam's authors point to a growing and more diverse group of test-takers — many are likely scoring lower overall, but more are also meeting benchmarks used to measure college readiness. Last spring's high-school seniors averaged a composite score of 21.0 on the test's scale of 1 to 36, down slightly from 21.1 last year and the lowest score of the last five years. At the same time, 24% of ACT-tested students met or surpassed all four of the test's benchmarks measuring their preparedness for college English, reading, math and science. That is up from 23% last year and 21% in 2006. Although that still shows three in four test-takers will likely need remedial help in at least one subject to succeed in college, ACT officials are encouraged to see improvement as ever-larger numbers of students take the exam. "It's slow progress," said Cynthia Schmeiser, president and chief operating officer of ACT's education division. "We are headed in the right direction." Schmeiser highlighted slight gains in math and science readiness, traditional weak spots for U.S. students. The number of students prepared for college-level biology, for example, has risen from 21% to 24% in five years. On the not-so-encouraging front, ACT-takers prepared for college English have dropped from 69% to 66% in that span. Still, English remains a strong suit for ACT test-takers compared to other subjects (I’ll bet Spanish has improved over the past few years). To measure whether students are ready for college, the ACT sets minimum scores in a subject area test to indicate a 50% chance of getting a B or higher or about a 75% chance of getting a C or higher in a first-year college credit course. The courses include English composition, algebra, biology and introductory social science courses like Psychology 101. The ACT report found a combined total of 43% of test-takers met either none (28%) or only one (15%) of the four college readiness benchmarks. A record 1.57 million students, or 47% of this year's high school graduates, took the ACT. That's a 30% increase from five years ago. The SAT remains the most common college entrance exam, though the rival ACT has nearly caught up in popularity. Most colleges accept either, and a growing minority no longer requires either one. Now tell me one thing… do these numbers scare you just a little bit too? Just checking… want to know what else scares me?
Mind Controlling Parasites – I know what you’re thinking, “$teve, you’ve been watching too many stupid late night horror flicks again.” Granted, mind control by parasite does sound like the stuff of science fiction, but not only have scientists revealed that IT IS REAL across a range of animals - including perhaps humans - they now even have fossil evidence suggesting it has taken place for millions of years. An unnerving variety of parasites have evolved the ability to control the brains of victims to help the parasites spread. For instance, the protozoan known as Toxoplasma gondii (sounds like a mix of Slimer from Ghostbusters & a famous Pacifist) makes rats love cat urine so that it can spread among its feline hosts - and it may influence human culture as well, making people more prone to certain forms of neuroticism (explains “American Idols” popularity?). Another case of parasite mind control involves the fungus Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, which essentially turns ants into zombies. It maneuvers the insects into biting down on the major veins of the undersides of leaves just before they die - the fungus then rapidly grows a stalk from their victims' heads, releasing spores to infect more ants. Creepy sh*t, right? Now scientists have discovered what might be ancient evidence of such mind-control-induced death grips - scars on a roughly 48-million-year-old leaf. "I thought it was a very, very long shot to find such a fossil, but indeed, as luck would have it, two paleobotanists, Conrad Labandeira at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington and Torsten Wappler at the Steinmann Institute in Bonn, were sitting around wondering how that particular damage type might be explained," said researcher David Hughes, a behavioral ecologist at Harvard University. The leaf fossil came from what once were subtropical forests around a lake in Germany. The leaf bears 29 dumbbell-shaped scars centered around its veins. These differ from the kinds of snips resulting when insects drink plant sap, and match telltale scars made nowadays by the death grips of carpenter ants (Camponotus leonardi) infected with the mind-controlling fungus O. unilateralis. "We are now realizing that half of life on Earth is parasitic -- each free-living organism has at least one parasite (try not to dwell on that too much). But very few manipulate behaviors and there is a reason for that -- it is likely very costly. The fossil now challenges us to think of what past environments acted as selective forces for such cool tricks to evolve." Hughes, Labandeira and Wappler detailed their findings online August 18th in the journal Biology Letters. Pretty weird stuff, right? Just another thing for you to obsess about with the forthcoming Apocalypse. You know me, I only mention things on this blog usually pertaining to snakes… occasionally bears… and then just weird stuff that interests me like mind controlling parasites. I don’t even mention equally disturbing environmental things like the serious depletion of plankton (the ocean’s top food resource) or the fact that coral reefs in Indonesia are being bleached because the temperature of ocean is 93 degrees. Seriously, that’s not even a warm bath, that’s a hot tub… in the ocean. Think about it. Mmm… I sure am… it’s been a long time since I was in a hot tub… and the water here is f**king freezing.
Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Just over three weeks until I’ll be visiting the family in Utah again. Can’t wait to see my niece & nephew… and of course my mom & dad… and maybe my brother if I have to… and all the peeps back in the Beehive State. Let me know if you want to meet up during my stay. Have a great day everybody!!!
The softball season is over now… but we did end off our dreadful year with our first BIG WIN of the year, second overall. How did we do it? It may have had something to do with having a full gamut of players to where I was the extra hitter and not needed in the field. It may have had something to do with us working together as a team and feeling like we had nothing to lose (or gain) and just going out there and having fun (and plenty of drinks during & afterwards). It surely wasn’t my going 0-for-3 including grounding into two double plays (though I did get an RBI off a groundout and a walk which I eventually ran in). So yeah, we won 18-12 or something like that. Not bad. Then a few of us had drinks at the Fifty Fifty Brewery and talked about everything from the Jersey Shore (the real area not that god awful TV show) to work to the possibility of a basketball team. Stay tuned… Other than that, not a whole lot going on as far as I know. I keep hearing rumors that my brother will be coming… but no idea when (it happens when my mom’s in charge). So yeah… I’ll just get to the news…
Sudanese Cities – You know that I’m always on the pulse of events Mother Afrika and want to keep you posted on the rare levity and the seemingly endless plight of the motherland. Well, this… kind of has both. Southern Sudan has unveiled ambitious plans to remake its capital cities in the shapes found on their state flags, and an official says the government is talking with investors to raise the $10 billion the fanciful communities would cost. The plan in the war-torn region comes ahead of a scheduled January referendum on independence, which most people here believe will lead to the creation of the world's newest country ($tevonia?). The south is rich in oil, but poverty and hunger is high throughout the region, which is struggling to recover after a civil war more than two decades long. The $10 billion concept will take decades to carry out, officials concede, though it may never escape the planning stages. The southern government's own 2010 budget was only $1.9 billion, and the U.N. says more than 90% of Southern Sudan's population lives on less than $1 a day. The plans have evoked bemused smiles (or outright laughter) in Juba, a town that until two years ago barely had any paved roads. What are the proposed plans? Well, if you can’t tell from the picture, or remember the Sudanese flag, it is designing cities to be shaped like a giraffe, rhino, even a f**king pineapple. "It doesn't seem like the (Government of Southern Sudan) should be using its resources or staff time when the people of Southern Sudan lack basic services like health care and water," Nora Petty, an aid worker in Juba with the Malaria Consortium. Government officials concede that a lot of money is needed to finance the project, which includes a plan to transform two state capitals into the shapes of a giraffe and a pineapple. Juba — the capital of Southern Sudan — is to be reshaped into a compact rhino with two pointy horns. The new area will be called "Rhino City." I am not joking. This is the proposition… but keep in mind we have states called New Hampshire & New Jersey, that are basically named after farm animals. Officials said the plan would bring order to the city's chaotic layout (and strike fear into alien invaders). "Juba is made up of slums," said Jemma Kumba, the minister of housing and physical planning. Detailed architectural drawings of Rhino City show that Central Equatoria's police headquarters would be situated at the rhino's mouth, an amusement park at the ear (yes, an amusement park), an industrial area along the back and residential housing throughout the four legs. "It's very innovative. That's our thinking. It's unique. It's the Ministry of Housing thinking you have to be unique to attract the people," said Daniel Wani, undersecretary of Southern Sudan's Ministry of Housing and Physical Planning. If the animal-shaped towns come to be, they will join other famously shaped cities around the world. Dubai created several palm-shaped residential islands off its coast. In Argentina, planners shaped the town of Ciudad Evita into the form of Eva Peron, an actress and wife of former President Juan Peron who was known as Evita. Of course, per capita income in the United Arab Emirates, where Dubai is located, is around $42,000 a year. In Sudan, it's just $2,300.And unlike well-developed Dubai, Southern Sudan still lacks basic infrastructure such as roads to connect its state capitals. Outside the southern capital Juba, structures aside from mud huts are rare, and in Juba, services such as electricity and sewage are a luxury. The Minister of Roads and Transport, Anthony Makana, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that he needed up to $6 billion to pave 8,000 miles (13,000 kilometers) of roads in the south. Makana said the project would connect all of the southern state capitals, but he noted that funding is a concern, given that the government has not finished paying the contractors who built 4,350 miles (7,000 kilometers) of red clay and gravel roads since 2005, when the landmark peace accord between the north and south was signed. So we shall see if these animal cities comes to pass… but now I’m curious about that Eva Peron shaped city in Argentina. Brings about ideas for the infrastructure of Dollywood… I’m also pretty sure that’s why, thanks to strip mining, the city of Butte, Montana has a giant hole in the middle of it.
Kids Nowadays – Have you ever looked at school age kids and think “We’re f**ked!!! How did these kids get so stupid?”? Don’t feel bad. I do all the time. Now there’s evidence to support your negative view on children. Most young Americans entering university this year can't write in cursive, think email is too slow, that Beethoven's a dog and Michelangelo is a computer virus, according to an annual list compiled by two academics at a US college. To students who will get their bachelor's degrees in 2014, Czechoslovakia has never existed, Fergie is a pop singer, not a duchess; Clint Eastwood is a sensitive movie director, not Dirty Harry; and John McEnroe stars in TV ads, not on the tennis court, Beloit College's "Mindset" list says. The Mindset list was first compiled in 1998, for the class of 2002, by Beloit humanities professor Tom McBride and former public affairs director Ron Nief. It was intended as a reminder to faculty at the university that references quickly become dated, but quickly evolved to become a hugely popular annual list that gives a snapshot of how things have changed, and chronicles key cultural and political events that have shaped a generation. In the first Mindset list, McBride and Nief found that youngsters born in 1980 had ever known only one pope - Polish-born John Paul II, who was elected to the papacy in 1978 and died in 2008. For the class of 2003 -- born in 1981 (which I am a part of) and featured on the 1999 Mindset list -- Yugoslavia never existed and they were puzzled why Solidarity was sometimes spelled with a capital S. For classmates of mine who don’t know, Solidarity with a capital S was the first and only independent trade union in the Soviet bloc. It was created in 1980 and went on to negotiate in 1989 a peaceful end to communism in Poland, making the country the first to escape Moscow's grip. Nief and McBride take a year to put the list together, gathering outside contributions and poring over journals, literary works, and the popular media from the year of the incoming university students' birth. "Then we present the ideas to every 18-year-old whose attention we can get and we wait for the 'mindset moment' -- the blank stare that comes back at you that makes you realize they have no idea what you're talking about," Nief told AFP. Those moments make it onto the list. The class of 2005 -- born in 1983 -- thought of Sarajevo as a war zone, not an Olympic host, and had no idea what carbon paper was (and probably wonder what cc means on their email). Apartheid never existed in South Africa for the class of 2006 (except in Lethal Weapon 2 – “FREE SOUTH AFRICA YOU DUMB SON OF A B**CH!!!”), and for the class of 2007, "Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America." Okay, I didn’t even know that reference. The list is a mirror of how rapidly perceptions can change: to the class of 2013, boxer Mike Tyson was "always a felon" but to students who graduated five years earlier, Tyson was "always a contender." They’re both right. The list makes some people feel old, like those who remember what Michael Jackson looked like when he was singing in the Jackson Five or recall the days when there were only a handful of channels on television. Few students in the class of 2009 knew how to tie a tie and most thought Iran and Iraq had never been at war with each other (or that they’re a typo away from being the same country). And for US students who got their bachelor's degrees this year, Germany was never divided, professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics, there have always been reality shows on television and smoking has never been allowed on US airlines. So please… read a history book. Okay, so that’s not really the kind of research I was hoping for to support my despise for today’s youth… but here’s something that might cheer you up about them…
ACT Scores Down but… - Average scores on the ACT college entrance exam inched downward this year, yet slightly more students who took the test proved to be prepared for college, according to a report released Wednesday. The findings sound contradictory. But the exam's authors point to a growing and more diverse group of test-takers — many are likely scoring lower overall, but more are also meeting benchmarks used to measure college readiness. Last spring's high-school seniors averaged a composite score of 21.0 on the test's scale of 1 to 36, down slightly from 21.1 last year and the lowest score of the last five years. At the same time, 24% of ACT-tested students met or surpassed all four of the test's benchmarks measuring their preparedness for college English, reading, math and science. That is up from 23% last year and 21% in 2006. Although that still shows three in four test-takers will likely need remedial help in at least one subject to succeed in college, ACT officials are encouraged to see improvement as ever-larger numbers of students take the exam. "It's slow progress," said Cynthia Schmeiser, president and chief operating officer of ACT's education division. "We are headed in the right direction." Schmeiser highlighted slight gains in math and science readiness, traditional weak spots for U.S. students. The number of students prepared for college-level biology, for example, has risen from 21% to 24% in five years. On the not-so-encouraging front, ACT-takers prepared for college English have dropped from 69% to 66% in that span. Still, English remains a strong suit for ACT test-takers compared to other subjects (I’ll bet Spanish has improved over the past few years). To measure whether students are ready for college, the ACT sets minimum scores in a subject area test to indicate a 50% chance of getting a B or higher or about a 75% chance of getting a C or higher in a first-year college credit course. The courses include English composition, algebra, biology and introductory social science courses like Psychology 101. The ACT report found a combined total of 43% of test-takers met either none (28%) or only one (15%) of the four college readiness benchmarks. A record 1.57 million students, or 47% of this year's high school graduates, took the ACT. That's a 30% increase from five years ago. The SAT remains the most common college entrance exam, though the rival ACT has nearly caught up in popularity. Most colleges accept either, and a growing minority no longer requires either one. Now tell me one thing… do these numbers scare you just a little bit too? Just checking… want to know what else scares me?
Mind Controlling Parasites – I know what you’re thinking, “$teve, you’ve been watching too many stupid late night horror flicks again.” Granted, mind control by parasite does sound like the stuff of science fiction, but not only have scientists revealed that IT IS REAL across a range of animals - including perhaps humans - they now even have fossil evidence suggesting it has taken place for millions of years. An unnerving variety of parasites have evolved the ability to control the brains of victims to help the parasites spread. For instance, the protozoan known as Toxoplasma gondii (sounds like a mix of Slimer from Ghostbusters & a famous Pacifist) makes rats love cat urine so that it can spread among its feline hosts - and it may influence human culture as well, making people more prone to certain forms of neuroticism (explains “American Idols” popularity?). Another case of parasite mind control involves the fungus Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, which essentially turns ants into zombies. It maneuvers the insects into biting down on the major veins of the undersides of leaves just before they die - the fungus then rapidly grows a stalk from their victims' heads, releasing spores to infect more ants. Creepy sh*t, right? Now scientists have discovered what might be ancient evidence of such mind-control-induced death grips - scars on a roughly 48-million-year-old leaf. "I thought it was a very, very long shot to find such a fossil, but indeed, as luck would have it, two paleobotanists, Conrad Labandeira at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington and Torsten Wappler at the Steinmann Institute in Bonn, were sitting around wondering how that particular damage type might be explained," said researcher David Hughes, a behavioral ecologist at Harvard University. The leaf fossil came from what once were subtropical forests around a lake in Germany. The leaf bears 29 dumbbell-shaped scars centered around its veins. These differ from the kinds of snips resulting when insects drink plant sap, and match telltale scars made nowadays by the death grips of carpenter ants (Camponotus leonardi) infected with the mind-controlling fungus O. unilateralis. "We are now realizing that half of life on Earth is parasitic -- each free-living organism has at least one parasite (try not to dwell on that too much). But very few manipulate behaviors and there is a reason for that -- it is likely very costly. The fossil now challenges us to think of what past environments acted as selective forces for such cool tricks to evolve." Hughes, Labandeira and Wappler detailed their findings online August 18th in the journal Biology Letters. Pretty weird stuff, right? Just another thing for you to obsess about with the forthcoming Apocalypse. You know me, I only mention things on this blog usually pertaining to snakes… occasionally bears… and then just weird stuff that interests me like mind controlling parasites. I don’t even mention equally disturbing environmental things like the serious depletion of plankton (the ocean’s top food resource) or the fact that coral reefs in Indonesia are being bleached because the temperature of ocean is 93 degrees. Seriously, that’s not even a warm bath, that’s a hot tub… in the ocean. Think about it. Mmm… I sure am… it’s been a long time since I was in a hot tub… and the water here is f**king freezing.Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Just over three weeks until I’ll be visiting the family in Utah again. Can’t wait to see my niece & nephew… and of course my mom & dad… and maybe my brother if I have to… and all the peeps back in the Beehive State. Let me know if you want to meet up during my stay. Have a great day everybody!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Steady Lovin' Woman Gon' Come My Way
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Two days from now, my dad & stepmom are going to be here…so if you don’t hear from me for a few days, please don’t worry. I’ll just be enjoying time with the family including a four-day weekend. Not a whole lot to really say or catch up on. Shot some hoops at the park yesterday…and pretty much had the court to myself which is a rarity in this outstanding weather. No softball leagues on Mondays, just practice for a girl’s team…which I don’t mind one bit. “Whew… it’s gettin’ hot in herre. So take off all your clothes. I am, getting so hot, I’m gon’ take my clothes off.” With a little bitta… Come on. Don’t act like you don’t know Nelly. Anyway, that’s about it. Talked to a coworker who may be a new roommate…but we’ll see. He was looking to move to Truckee by the start of winter. I gave him the number & he knows where to find me if he wants to check the place out. He’s a cool cat. Anyway, I guess here’s some news…
Still Think You’d Be a Bad Parent? – You know, I hear people say stuff all the time like “I’d like to have kids…but I just don’t think that I’d be a great parent. So I’ll wait” or “I can’t afford kids right now.” Now, I don’t have kids…but let me tell ya, there’s no time like as soon as you’d like to have them (and you don’t have pending drug addictions). It’s always a shame when a perfectly good couple let their window pass them by because they’re scared about becoming a parent. It’s a valid fear…but you can do it. Besides, stupid people are having kids at an INCREDIBLE rate…and I see the movie “Idiocracy” as more like “An Inconvenient Truth” than most people…but hey, prove me wrong. For example, this story comes from Michigan. Authorities said a drunken man and woman were arrested after they were found pushing a baby stroller holding two young boys…who were holding open containers of alcohol and a bayonet inside. Police said in a statement that the 30-year-old woman and 52-year-old man (oh yes, 52 & 30) were arrested after police were called about 1:30 a.m. Friday when the woman tried to take a bike off a porch (that apparently didn’t belong to her?). The statement said security guards had been watching the pair and initially detained the woman. Police said officers found the woman's one- and four-year-old sons in the stroller along with alcohol and the "double-edged bayonet." AnnArbor.com reported the children were turned over to a relative. Charges were pending. Still think you’re not fit to raise children? I believe in you. All you need is Love. How do I know this? My grandpa & grandma Jay raised 17 children on a farm…and my grandpa Jay was a garbage man (and my grandma was apparently knocked up for over 20 years) and they were all happy as clams. Will you make mistakes? Of course. Will it be difficult? Anything worth doing or having usually is. Just do me a favor…and don’t give you kids a bottle of Jack and a large stabbing weapon as toys while you go on a drunken bike theft spree.
Schoolyard Brawl – I’d be more forgiving if this happened. Authorities say two women have been arrested following a parents' brawl that interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony. School officials placed Puesta del Sol (“Sunset”) Elementary in the desert town of Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents. The San Bernardino County sheriff's department says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in an argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray, and the incident turned into a brawl. A deputy later arrested two people on suspicion of being a disruptive presence at a school. Witnesses said they were the main instigators. In all, 20 adults were identified in the brawl. A school district official says there could be more arrests. There were no reported injuries. The worst part is…we don’t even know what it was about. You’re at a cheesy kindergarten graduation ceremony… probably in hundred degree heat… I want to know what the spark was to light this powder keg. Was some parent making fun of somebody’s child? Did somebody accidentally step on a foot & tempers went off? Was there an argument about how tax dollars are being spent on public schools in our state? Or was it somebody didn’t “ackrite” and “be dis-respeckin me” and it hit the fan? Who knows? That is the mystery of the minor schoolyard brawl. Heck, it could’ve gone back to when the parents involved were children. “This is for kissing Bobby Higgins under jungle gym.” POP!!! “B**ch, that was back when New Kids on the Block were actually kids. Why are you bringing that up now?” Then it goes from there. Still thinking that raising kids is tough? Would you start a fight at a graduation ceremony for your 5-year old? I didn’t think so. Now let’s travel the world for some news…
Legendary Tennis Match - When umpire Mohamed Lahyani was assigned to officiate a first-round match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, little did he know his years of traveling around the world cramped in economy class would come in handy. While American Isner and Frenchman Mahut were locked in an almighty three-day battle that stretched on for a surreal 11 hours and five minutes (oh yes, the old record was almost half as long), many people were concerned about the plight of Sweden's Lahyani. "Seriously... doesn't anyone have to pee? Umpires included?" Andy Roddick Tweeted Wednesday as he watched the final set drag on for what ended up being eight hours and 11 minutes. Once the match concluded Thursday, with an eye-popping score of 6-4 3-6 6-7 7-6 70-68, Lahyani shed light on his own powers of endurance. "I travel economy so seven hours sitting still on court is nothing," Lahyani, who had the best seat in town for the match of the century which featured an unbelievable 980 points, told reporters. "It has been quite amazing to be involved with such an extraordinary match. I can't imagine seeing another one like it in my lifetime. I didn't get a chance to feel tired, I was gripped by the amazing match and my concentration stayed good -- I owe that to the players. Their stamina was breathtaking and their behavior exceptional." While Isner and Mahut were seen chomping away energy bars and endless bunches of bananas, Lahyani took a few sips of water now and then as he enjoyed his high-rise vantage point. He sent the crowd into fits of laughter at every mention of the score -- it does not get any more surreal than uttering 68-games all -- and sometimes even shook his head and rubbed his eyes at the absurdity of it all. But he would not have swapped his place with anyone. "On Wednesday my voice did get a little dry but I have drunk plenty today and it feels good," said Lahyani, who along with the players was presented with a memento on court to mark the marathon feat. "I think the longest match I've ever chair umpired before was five and a half hours long... that's a lot less than even the third set of this one. When you are so focused and every point feels like a match point you just don't even think about eating or needing the bathroom.” So the next time that you’re stuck on a layover at DIA for a couple hours thinking “How could this possibly get any worse?” Just remember, you could be forced to watch tennis. I kid. It must’ve been an epic match. I caught some of the highlights. Would’ve been better if it were women. You know how I like to just listen…
Beauty Queen Stripped – Sorry, it’s not nearly as sexy as you think. No sex scandal involved. A British beauty queen has been stripped of her title after pageant organizers discovered she lied about her age and place of residence on the application form for the contest. Hopefuls must be between the ages of 15 (really?) and 24 to participate in the Miss Cornwall pageant and 27-year-old English teacher Anness (that’s it? Like Madonna? Only dangerously close to anus?) claimed to be 22 on all the entry forms she submitted between 2006 and 2010, British papers reported. Competition organizer Becky Chapman discovered the old applications while cleaning her office. When she went to confront Anness at her home, she found that the beauty queen lived not in Saltash, Cornwall as she had written on the application form, but in Plymouth, Devon. GASP!!! According to the rules of the contest, entrants must either live, work or study in Cornwall. Anness apologized for the incident, explaining that she had lied about her age to follow her dream. Chapman expressed pity for Anness. "I feel sorry for her, she'd been entering these contests for years and never won, and now she has finally won she gets her title taken from her," Chapman told the Mail. As well as the prized crown and sash, Anness has given up 2,000 pounds ($3,013) worth of prizes, a 12 month modeling contract, and a chance to compete for the Miss England title. Runner-up Samantha Jane Orpe will take her title and place in the Miss England final. Sucks a little bit, right? Just goes to show that women age like fine wine. Oh golly, a woman lied about her age! Stop the presses! Get to the fallout shelter! The Apocalypse is surely upon us as foretold in the Prophecy! The fall of an empire, the passing of a comet, David Spade is a father, and now… a woman has lied about her age. We are surely doomed!!! Cheese & rice, we’re talking about a beauty pageant. Do you think ANY of them actually work with charity organizations? If they had the choice between World Peace & a shopping spree, which do you think they would take? Granted, I know a few former pageant contestants who got out of that crap because they really did like that stuff & didn’t like the BS associated with the pageants…but nine times out of ten, they’re just a beautiful naïve sheltered girl. Definitely not a woman who has any idea what she wants in life, just like any other 15-24 year old out there. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you, Anness. Wow! She’s a superhot school teacher with an English accent…and she has a name like that. Just goes to show, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.
Village Sale - Stressed-out city executives looking to get away from it all have the chance to buy their own rural village in New Zealand, complete with a pub and population of 40. Otira, a hamlet on the rainy west coast of New Zealand's South Island, is on the market for $NZ1 million ($715,000). Current owners Bill and Christine Hennah bought the rundown village in 1998 after passing through and "feeling sorry for it," Christchurch-based newspaper The Press reported on Friday. They paid $NZ80,000 ($56,000) for the hotel or pub, school, railway station, town hall and 18 houses making up the village near the Arthur's Pass National Park that dates back to 1923. The village developed when the Otira railway tunnel was opened, and during its heyday was home to about 600 workers and their families. But the couple, now aged in their 60s, say they no longer have the energy to run the hotel. They are asking $NZ350,000 for the hotel or $NZ1 million for the whole lot. "We need someone to build it up again. There is a lot of potential and opportunity," Christine Hennah told The Press. Hmm, you can buy a quaint Kiwi town for less than a million bucks? Interesting. What’s the catch? Oh yeah, it’s cold & rainy and everything’s about 80 years old and rundown. I wonder if it’s still that whole untapped gorgeous wilderness that you always see in the New Zealand advertisements. I’m sure it’s not horrible, right? “The name Otira has to go. Welcome to…$tevonia!!! The hotel, to meet the changing demographic of our guests, will now be a hotel / pub / spa / brothel. I have also hired the famous Anness to be our greeter / school teacher / eye candy. The railway station will bring in guests from all over the island…and our new policy will be to give everybody a Kiwi as they exit. Since Kiwis won’t readily grow here, we’ll have to import them from more tropical areas. To counter these expenses, we will convert the town hall into a marijuana greenhouse, providing the stickiest of the icky and boosting our modest economy…and maybe see if we can grow a few Kiwis in there too. You aaaaand you now work at the hotel. So let it be written, so let it be done!” Ah yes, loads of potential in the city of Otira. Within a few years, I see it blossoming like Vegas…only in a place that knows what the color non-neon green looks like.
Russian Getaway – “$teve, how would you get the money to afford a small town?” Being in the right place at the right time, that’s how. A Russian fisheries official suspected of accepting bribes tossed 10 million rubles ($322,000) from his car after a police chase and a crash on a busy Moscow highway, investigators said on Monday. Pursued by police, Federal Fisheries Agency official Boris Simonov crashed his Cadillac (what did YOU think he drove?) on Friday and frantically flung 10 million rubles ($322,000) into the wind, local media reported. State-run First Channel television showed scores of large-denomination ruble notes being collected by police and cast into a torn, grimy cardboard box beside a thoroughfare in south-central Moscow. A spokesman for Russia's Investigative Committee said Simonov's boss, Roman Postnikov, who oversaw two Moscow rivers, was arrested on suspicion of forging a contract that allowed a fishing firm operate without the proper documents. Both fishery officials will be jailed for two months pending further investigation, the committee said. President Dmitry Medvedev has vowed to tackle Russia's endemic graft, but analysts say little has changed since he took office in May 2008. Anyway, back to the getaway. Despite the poor exchange rate of rubles to dollars, isn’t that better than a smoke screen for a getaway? “Damn the cops are on our ass. Fan out the money!” “What? Why?” “Don’t worry, we have billions of rubles, just toss out what we have. People will get in the way & the cops will stop…or have some serious explaining to do.” Admit it, if you where walking downtown…and saw a car driving by with a man in the window through bags of singles into the air (like he just robbed a strip club & decided to make it rain), wouldn’t you flood the streets to get a few handfuls? Sure, you may wait until the cop cars pass…then again, you may not. You got first dibs, only suckers will wait until the coast is clear. You’re an entrepreneur. Money goes to the adventurous, right? Anyway, just thought it was an interesting story / image.
Bot Update – “$teve, it’s not a Sexbot Update?” Does everything have to be about sex with you? Can’t I just talk nerdy for a few minutes (and maybe work in some sexual innuendo)? So the theory is, if extraterrestrial life exists on Jupiter's moon Europa, instead of deploying probes to drill past its ice shell to look for aliens in the ocean below, one might just go fossil-hunting on the icy surface, right? "A prospector sent there could possibly find extraterrestrial life within our lifetimes," suggested planetary scientist Richard Greenberg at the University of Arizona's Lunar and Planetary Laboratory at Tucson. Europa, which is roughly the size of Earth's moon, is enveloped by a global ocean that may be about 100 miles deep (Waterworld on acid?). This ocean is overlain by an icy crust of unknown thickness, although some estimates are that it could be only a few miles thick. Since wherever there is water on Earth there is a chance of life, for many years scientists have entertained the notion that this Jovian moon could support extraterrestrials. Recent findings even suggest its ocean could be loaded with oxygen, enough to support millions of tons worth of marine life like the type that exists on Earth. To see if any kind of life actually evolved on Europa, scientists have proposed missions to drill through its outer shell, perhaps using heat to melt through the ice (that couldn’t possibly work), whirring blades to clear away rocks and robot subs to explore the ocean. "With that vision in mind, NASA has a multi-staged plan, first with a Europa orbiter scheduled for 18 years from now, and 10 or 20 years after that, a lander to see what the surface is like, and then maybe a generation later, hopefully we can figure out how to drill all the way down through the ice," Greenberg noted. He recently wrote a book, "Unmasking Europa," which touched upon how one might search for life on the Jovian moon (and then fall in love with the princess of the native underwater people, soon to become a movie titled “Dancing with Snorks”). However, rather than deploying complex equipment to try and penetrate an uncertain distance into the ice, the remains of marine life on Europa could be available right on the outer shell for landers to find. Scientists aren't suggesting that any life from Europa somehow managed to dig its way up through the ice. Instead, the constant upheaval this Jovian moon undergoes could drag unwitting organisms upward (ugh…giggidy?), Greenberg explained. The scarcity of craters seen on Europa suggests the ice shell is no older than 50 million years old, hinting that it underwent complete turnover in that time. The culprit for this extraordinary activity is the gravitational pull Europa experiences from Jupiter. This leads to tidal forces roughly 1,000 times stronger than what Earth feels from our moon, flexing and heating the Jovian moon and constantly stirring its crust (ah, giggidy!). Ice (probably newly frozen ocean water) apparently regularly gets pushed up from below, leading double ridges typically 330 feet high (100 meters) to form and cover at least half of Europa's surface. Parts of the surface also could partially melt from below, creating rafts of ice that break loose and tumble around. This process creates the "chaotic terrain" that comprises roughly 40% of the ice shell, and also sends matter both upward and downward (giggidy). "If there are organisms in Europa's ocean, one could well imagine that all over the surface there might be frozen chunks of that stuff. People are talking about various kinds of drills and melting down through the ice, and I think we can jump past that and sample the ocean from the surface." One of the best places to look for any fossils on Europa would be newly formed double ridges, Greenberg said. "The ridges that crisscross others are going to be the most recent ones. One could then imagine landers scooping up the ice and analyzing it." Chaotic terrain would also be another good area to explore, as would an active crack (giggidy?) in Europa's crust. "If we can land right next to an active crack, there's a good chance we could sample some of the most recent ice. If we could put a penetrator into it, we could even sample water as it comes up." Okay, that’s a definite giggidy…but let’s get it back to science now. No more penetrating cracks and sample the water that comes out of it. If any microbes did manage to make their way to Europa's surface, the constant stream of radiation from Jupiter would likely break their proteins down over time, assuming such life would have proteins at all, said planetary geologist Brad Dalton at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Still, experiments of Dalton's have suggested orbiters could investigate the infrared signature of Europa's icy crust to look for tattered remnants of life. Landers could conduct even more detailed analyses — for instance, using "lab-on-a-chip" devices on melted ice samples to look for biomolecules, he added. Also "there's always the possibility that we could find structures — something analogous to skeletal remains," Greenberg noted. Dalton added that if landers dug "even a meter or so down might also be able to find viable organisms, if there are any there." Of course, if there is life in Europa's ocean, it remains uncertain whether it would indeed get lofted up via geological processes to its surface. Conversely, if no life is seen on Europa's surface, that does not mean there is no life in Europa's ocean. "My point is only why wait to look for life at the hardest place on Europa to get to? Why not go to the easy place first?" Good point. Okay, I think I’ve nerded you out for long enough. This stuff interests me a bit…and it’s my blog, so deal with it. Hmm, what else interests me…
X-Men Update – Ah yes, beautiful women & comic books. Those too interest me. Alice Eve ("She’s Out of My League") has scored the role of Emma Frost in “X-Men: First Class” for 20th Century Fox reports Heat Vision. The fictional telepathic character, also known as the White Queen, started out as one of the X-Men's most dangerous foes…and then became one of its most central members (don’t worry, not necessarily a spoiler alert for the movie). Rosamund Pike was rumored to be up for the role earlier this month…but they decided to go with another hot British chick…and apparently Anness either can’t act or couldn’t get away from school long enough to audition. Matthew Vaughn (“Kick Ass”, “Stardust” & “Layer Cake”) directs the prequel which also stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as a young (bald?) Professor X, and Michael Fassbender (“Inglorious Basterds”) as a young Magneto. There are a lot of other rumors out there…but apparently these three are signed up. More to come I’m sure. Oh, you haven’t seen “She’s Out of My League” yet? Or Maxim’s issue a few months back? Well allow me to introduce you to Miss Alice Eve…
Anyway, I think that’ll do it for tonight. You’re probably fighting off sleep anyway. Thanks for stopping by…and I’ll keep you posted on events coming up this week…and worst-case, you’ll get the pictures next week some time. Have a great day everybody!!!
Two days from now, my dad & stepmom are going to be here…so if you don’t hear from me for a few days, please don’t worry. I’ll just be enjoying time with the family including a four-day weekend. Not a whole lot to really say or catch up on. Shot some hoops at the park yesterday…and pretty much had the court to myself which is a rarity in this outstanding weather. No softball leagues on Mondays, just practice for a girl’s team…which I don’t mind one bit. “Whew… it’s gettin’ hot in herre. So take off all your clothes. I am, getting so hot, I’m gon’ take my clothes off.” With a little bitta… Come on. Don’t act like you don’t know Nelly. Anyway, that’s about it. Talked to a coworker who may be a new roommate…but we’ll see. He was looking to move to Truckee by the start of winter. I gave him the number & he knows where to find me if he wants to check the place out. He’s a cool cat. Anyway, I guess here’s some news…
Still Think You’d Be a Bad Parent? – You know, I hear people say stuff all the time like “I’d like to have kids…but I just don’t think that I’d be a great parent. So I’ll wait” or “I can’t afford kids right now.” Now, I don’t have kids…but let me tell ya, there’s no time like as soon as you’d like to have them (and you don’t have pending drug addictions). It’s always a shame when a perfectly good couple let their window pass them by because they’re scared about becoming a parent. It’s a valid fear…but you can do it. Besides, stupid people are having kids at an INCREDIBLE rate…and I see the movie “Idiocracy” as more like “An Inconvenient Truth” than most people…but hey, prove me wrong. For example, this story comes from Michigan. Authorities said a drunken man and woman were arrested after they were found pushing a baby stroller holding two young boys…who were holding open containers of alcohol and a bayonet inside. Police said in a statement that the 30-year-old woman and 52-year-old man (oh yes, 52 & 30) were arrested after police were called about 1:30 a.m. Friday when the woman tried to take a bike off a porch (that apparently didn’t belong to her?). The statement said security guards had been watching the pair and initially detained the woman. Police said officers found the woman's one- and four-year-old sons in the stroller along with alcohol and the "double-edged bayonet." AnnArbor.com reported the children were turned over to a relative. Charges were pending. Still think you’re not fit to raise children? I believe in you. All you need is Love. How do I know this? My grandpa & grandma Jay raised 17 children on a farm…and my grandpa Jay was a garbage man (and my grandma was apparently knocked up for over 20 years) and they were all happy as clams. Will you make mistakes? Of course. Will it be difficult? Anything worth doing or having usually is. Just do me a favor…and don’t give you kids a bottle of Jack and a large stabbing weapon as toys while you go on a drunken bike theft spree.
Schoolyard Brawl – I’d be more forgiving if this happened. Authorities say two women have been arrested following a parents' brawl that interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony. School officials placed Puesta del Sol (“Sunset”) Elementary in the desert town of Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents. The San Bernardino County sheriff's department says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in an argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray, and the incident turned into a brawl. A deputy later arrested two people on suspicion of being a disruptive presence at a school. Witnesses said they were the main instigators. In all, 20 adults were identified in the brawl. A school district official says there could be more arrests. There were no reported injuries. The worst part is…we don’t even know what it was about. You’re at a cheesy kindergarten graduation ceremony… probably in hundred degree heat… I want to know what the spark was to light this powder keg. Was some parent making fun of somebody’s child? Did somebody accidentally step on a foot & tempers went off? Was there an argument about how tax dollars are being spent on public schools in our state? Or was it somebody didn’t “ackrite” and “be dis-respeckin me” and it hit the fan? Who knows? That is the mystery of the minor schoolyard brawl. Heck, it could’ve gone back to when the parents involved were children. “This is for kissing Bobby Higgins under jungle gym.” POP!!! “B**ch, that was back when New Kids on the Block were actually kids. Why are you bringing that up now?” Then it goes from there. Still thinking that raising kids is tough? Would you start a fight at a graduation ceremony for your 5-year old? I didn’t think so. Now let’s travel the world for some news…
Legendary Tennis Match - When umpire Mohamed Lahyani was assigned to officiate a first-round match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, little did he know his years of traveling around the world cramped in economy class would come in handy. While American Isner and Frenchman Mahut were locked in an almighty three-day battle that stretched on for a surreal 11 hours and five minutes (oh yes, the old record was almost half as long), many people were concerned about the plight of Sweden's Lahyani. "Seriously... doesn't anyone have to pee? Umpires included?" Andy Roddick Tweeted Wednesday as he watched the final set drag on for what ended up being eight hours and 11 minutes. Once the match concluded Thursday, with an eye-popping score of 6-4 3-6 6-7 7-6 70-68, Lahyani shed light on his own powers of endurance. "I travel economy so seven hours sitting still on court is nothing," Lahyani, who had the best seat in town for the match of the century which featured an unbelievable 980 points, told reporters. "It has been quite amazing to be involved with such an extraordinary match. I can't imagine seeing another one like it in my lifetime. I didn't get a chance to feel tired, I was gripped by the amazing match and my concentration stayed good -- I owe that to the players. Their stamina was breathtaking and their behavior exceptional." While Isner and Mahut were seen chomping away energy bars and endless bunches of bananas, Lahyani took a few sips of water now and then as he enjoyed his high-rise vantage point. He sent the crowd into fits of laughter at every mention of the score -- it does not get any more surreal than uttering 68-games all -- and sometimes even shook his head and rubbed his eyes at the absurdity of it all. But he would not have swapped his place with anyone. "On Wednesday my voice did get a little dry but I have drunk plenty today and it feels good," said Lahyani, who along with the players was presented with a memento on court to mark the marathon feat. "I think the longest match I've ever chair umpired before was five and a half hours long... that's a lot less than even the third set of this one. When you are so focused and every point feels like a match point you just don't even think about eating or needing the bathroom.” So the next time that you’re stuck on a layover at DIA for a couple hours thinking “How could this possibly get any worse?” Just remember, you could be forced to watch tennis. I kid. It must’ve been an epic match. I caught some of the highlights. Would’ve been better if it were women. You know how I like to just listen…
Beauty Queen Stripped – Sorry, it’s not nearly as sexy as you think. No sex scandal involved. A British beauty queen has been stripped of her title after pageant organizers discovered she lied about her age and place of residence on the application form for the contest. Hopefuls must be between the ages of 15 (really?) and 24 to participate in the Miss Cornwall pageant and 27-year-old English teacher Anness (that’s it? Like Madonna? Only dangerously close to anus?) claimed to be 22 on all the entry forms she submitted between 2006 and 2010, British papers reported. Competition organizer Becky Chapman discovered the old applications while cleaning her office. When she went to confront Anness at her home, she found that the beauty queen lived not in Saltash, Cornwall as she had written on the application form, but in Plymouth, Devon. GASP!!! According to the rules of the contest, entrants must either live, work or study in Cornwall. Anness apologized for the incident, explaining that she had lied about her age to follow her dream. Chapman expressed pity for Anness. "I feel sorry for her, she'd been entering these contests for years and never won, and now she has finally won she gets her title taken from her," Chapman told the Mail. As well as the prized crown and sash, Anness has given up 2,000 pounds ($3,013) worth of prizes, a 12 month modeling contract, and a chance to compete for the Miss England title. Runner-up Samantha Jane Orpe will take her title and place in the Miss England final. Sucks a little bit, right? Just goes to show that women age like fine wine. Oh golly, a woman lied about her age! Stop the presses! Get to the fallout shelter! The Apocalypse is surely upon us as foretold in the Prophecy! The fall of an empire, the passing of a comet, David Spade is a father, and now… a woman has lied about her age. We are surely doomed!!! Cheese & rice, we’re talking about a beauty pageant. Do you think ANY of them actually work with charity organizations? If they had the choice between World Peace & a shopping spree, which do you think they would take? Granted, I know a few former pageant contestants who got out of that crap because they really did like that stuff & didn’t like the BS associated with the pageants…but nine times out of ten, they’re just a beautiful naïve sheltered girl. Definitely not a woman who has any idea what she wants in life, just like any other 15-24 year old out there. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you, Anness. Wow! She’s a superhot school teacher with an English accent…and she has a name like that. Just goes to show, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.
Village Sale - Stressed-out city executives looking to get away from it all have the chance to buy their own rural village in New Zealand, complete with a pub and population of 40. Otira, a hamlet on the rainy west coast of New Zealand's South Island, is on the market for $NZ1 million ($715,000). Current owners Bill and Christine Hennah bought the rundown village in 1998 after passing through and "feeling sorry for it," Christchurch-based newspaper The Press reported on Friday. They paid $NZ80,000 ($56,000) for the hotel or pub, school, railway station, town hall and 18 houses making up the village near the Arthur's Pass National Park that dates back to 1923. The village developed when the Otira railway tunnel was opened, and during its heyday was home to about 600 workers and their families. But the couple, now aged in their 60s, say they no longer have the energy to run the hotel. They are asking $NZ350,000 for the hotel or $NZ1 million for the whole lot. "We need someone to build it up again. There is a lot of potential and opportunity," Christine Hennah told The Press. Hmm, you can buy a quaint Kiwi town for less than a million bucks? Interesting. What’s the catch? Oh yeah, it’s cold & rainy and everything’s about 80 years old and rundown. I wonder if it’s still that whole untapped gorgeous wilderness that you always see in the New Zealand advertisements. I’m sure it’s not horrible, right? “The name Otira has to go. Welcome to…$tevonia!!! The hotel, to meet the changing demographic of our guests, will now be a hotel / pub / spa / brothel. I have also hired the famous Anness to be our greeter / school teacher / eye candy. The railway station will bring in guests from all over the island…and our new policy will be to give everybody a Kiwi as they exit. Since Kiwis won’t readily grow here, we’ll have to import them from more tropical areas. To counter these expenses, we will convert the town hall into a marijuana greenhouse, providing the stickiest of the icky and boosting our modest economy…and maybe see if we can grow a few Kiwis in there too. You aaaaand you now work at the hotel. So let it be written, so let it be done!” Ah yes, loads of potential in the city of Otira. Within a few years, I see it blossoming like Vegas…only in a place that knows what the color non-neon green looks like.
Russian Getaway – “$teve, how would you get the money to afford a small town?” Being in the right place at the right time, that’s how. A Russian fisheries official suspected of accepting bribes tossed 10 million rubles ($322,000) from his car after a police chase and a crash on a busy Moscow highway, investigators said on Monday. Pursued by police, Federal Fisheries Agency official Boris Simonov crashed his Cadillac (what did YOU think he drove?) on Friday and frantically flung 10 million rubles ($322,000) into the wind, local media reported. State-run First Channel television showed scores of large-denomination ruble notes being collected by police and cast into a torn, grimy cardboard box beside a thoroughfare in south-central Moscow. A spokesman for Russia's Investigative Committee said Simonov's boss, Roman Postnikov, who oversaw two Moscow rivers, was arrested on suspicion of forging a contract that allowed a fishing firm operate without the proper documents. Both fishery officials will be jailed for two months pending further investigation, the committee said. President Dmitry Medvedev has vowed to tackle Russia's endemic graft, but analysts say little has changed since he took office in May 2008. Anyway, back to the getaway. Despite the poor exchange rate of rubles to dollars, isn’t that better than a smoke screen for a getaway? “Damn the cops are on our ass. Fan out the money!” “What? Why?” “Don’t worry, we have billions of rubles, just toss out what we have. People will get in the way & the cops will stop…or have some serious explaining to do.” Admit it, if you where walking downtown…and saw a car driving by with a man in the window through bags of singles into the air (like he just robbed a strip club & decided to make it rain), wouldn’t you flood the streets to get a few handfuls? Sure, you may wait until the cop cars pass…then again, you may not. You got first dibs, only suckers will wait until the coast is clear. You’re an entrepreneur. Money goes to the adventurous, right? Anyway, just thought it was an interesting story / image.
Bot Update – “$teve, it’s not a Sexbot Update?” Does everything have to be about sex with you? Can’t I just talk nerdy for a few minutes (and maybe work in some sexual innuendo)? So the theory is, if extraterrestrial life exists on Jupiter's moon Europa, instead of deploying probes to drill past its ice shell to look for aliens in the ocean below, one might just go fossil-hunting on the icy surface, right? "A prospector sent there could possibly find extraterrestrial life within our lifetimes," suggested planetary scientist Richard Greenberg at the University of Arizona's Lunar and Planetary Laboratory at Tucson. Europa, which is roughly the size of Earth's moon, is enveloped by a global ocean that may be about 100 miles deep (Waterworld on acid?). This ocean is overlain by an icy crust of unknown thickness, although some estimates are that it could be only a few miles thick. Since wherever there is water on Earth there is a chance of life, for many years scientists have entertained the notion that this Jovian moon could support extraterrestrials. Recent findings even suggest its ocean could be loaded with oxygen, enough to support millions of tons worth of marine life like the type that exists on Earth. To see if any kind of life actually evolved on Europa, scientists have proposed missions to drill through its outer shell, perhaps using heat to melt through the ice (that couldn’t possibly work), whirring blades to clear away rocks and robot subs to explore the ocean. "With that vision in mind, NASA has a multi-staged plan, first with a Europa orbiter scheduled for 18 years from now, and 10 or 20 years after that, a lander to see what the surface is like, and then maybe a generation later, hopefully we can figure out how to drill all the way down through the ice," Greenberg noted. He recently wrote a book, "Unmasking Europa," which touched upon how one might search for life on the Jovian moon (and then fall in love with the princess of the native underwater people, soon to become a movie titled “Dancing with Snorks”). However, rather than deploying complex equipment to try and penetrate an uncertain distance into the ice, the remains of marine life on Europa could be available right on the outer shell for landers to find. Scientists aren't suggesting that any life from Europa somehow managed to dig its way up through the ice. Instead, the constant upheaval this Jovian moon undergoes could drag unwitting organisms upward (ugh…giggidy?), Greenberg explained. The scarcity of craters seen on Europa suggests the ice shell is no older than 50 million years old, hinting that it underwent complete turnover in that time. The culprit for this extraordinary activity is the gravitational pull Europa experiences from Jupiter. This leads to tidal forces roughly 1,000 times stronger than what Earth feels from our moon, flexing and heating the Jovian moon and constantly stirring its crust (ah, giggidy!). Ice (probably newly frozen ocean water) apparently regularly gets pushed up from below, leading double ridges typically 330 feet high (100 meters) to form and cover at least half of Europa's surface. Parts of the surface also could partially melt from below, creating rafts of ice that break loose and tumble around. This process creates the "chaotic terrain" that comprises roughly 40% of the ice shell, and also sends matter both upward and downward (giggidy). "If there are organisms in Europa's ocean, one could well imagine that all over the surface there might be frozen chunks of that stuff. People are talking about various kinds of drills and melting down through the ice, and I think we can jump past that and sample the ocean from the surface." One of the best places to look for any fossils on Europa would be newly formed double ridges, Greenberg said. "The ridges that crisscross others are going to be the most recent ones. One could then imagine landers scooping up the ice and analyzing it." Chaotic terrain would also be another good area to explore, as would an active crack (giggidy?) in Europa's crust. "If we can land right next to an active crack, there's a good chance we could sample some of the most recent ice. If we could put a penetrator into it, we could even sample water as it comes up." Okay, that’s a definite giggidy…but let’s get it back to science now. No more penetrating cracks and sample the water that comes out of it. If any microbes did manage to make their way to Europa's surface, the constant stream of radiation from Jupiter would likely break their proteins down over time, assuming such life would have proteins at all, said planetary geologist Brad Dalton at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Still, experiments of Dalton's have suggested orbiters could investigate the infrared signature of Europa's icy crust to look for tattered remnants of life. Landers could conduct even more detailed analyses — for instance, using "lab-on-a-chip" devices on melted ice samples to look for biomolecules, he added. Also "there's always the possibility that we could find structures — something analogous to skeletal remains," Greenberg noted. Dalton added that if landers dug "even a meter or so down might also be able to find viable organisms, if there are any there." Of course, if there is life in Europa's ocean, it remains uncertain whether it would indeed get lofted up via geological processes to its surface. Conversely, if no life is seen on Europa's surface, that does not mean there is no life in Europa's ocean. "My point is only why wait to look for life at the hardest place on Europa to get to? Why not go to the easy place first?" Good point. Okay, I think I’ve nerded you out for long enough. This stuff interests me a bit…and it’s my blog, so deal with it. Hmm, what else interests me…
X-Men Update – Ah yes, beautiful women & comic books. Those too interest me. Alice Eve ("She’s Out of My League") has scored the role of Emma Frost in “X-Men: First Class” for 20th Century Fox reports Heat Vision. The fictional telepathic character, also known as the White Queen, started out as one of the X-Men's most dangerous foes…and then became one of its most central members (don’t worry, not necessarily a spoiler alert for the movie). Rosamund Pike was rumored to be up for the role earlier this month…but they decided to go with another hot British chick…and apparently Anness either can’t act or couldn’t get away from school long enough to audition. Matthew Vaughn (“Kick Ass”, “Stardust” & “Layer Cake”) directs the prequel which also stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as a young (bald?) Professor X, and Michael Fassbender (“Inglorious Basterds”) as a young Magneto. There are a lot of other rumors out there…but apparently these three are signed up. More to come I’m sure. Oh, you haven’t seen “She’s Out of My League” yet? Or Maxim’s issue a few months back? Well allow me to introduce you to Miss Alice Eve…Anyway, I think that’ll do it for tonight. You’re probably fighting off sleep anyway. Thanks for stopping by…and I’ll keep you posted on events coming up this week…and worst-case, you’ll get the pictures next week some time. Have a great day everybody!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Joey, Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
I've finally been able to stop by the DMV and register my car for yet another year this morning (f**king taxes for nothin') and though I was a little irked...I was also in a great mood...and then it happened. The time had come again to pay rent for the upcoming month, so I went to the office to hand in my check. I was greeted by the two blonde girls who show off the rooms. The one who gave me the original tour and says "like" and "totally" all the time...and describes everything as "supercute", we'll call...Ditzy, and the other who seems a lot more intelligent and has an ample bosom, which she likes to display fortunately, we'll call her Mitzy. Well, Mitzy had seen me work out a few times (the bathroom is adjacent to the universal weight machine) so she greeted me by name, "Hey $teve, how can I help you?" "I just needed to pay rent before you ladies kick me out." I pull my check out of my pocket and a few pennies fall out onto the carpet. We both go down to pick up the change...and BOOM! I'm face-first in her love pillows. I'm talking skin on skin contact (and she may had been wearing perfume). Now, my instinct is to do certain things with my mouth...but I resist the urge...and we both kind of shoot back to an upright position, staring at each other stunned for a second...then slowly turns to smiles. "Wow!!! I ugh...I'm sorry, I...I'll get the change." Ditzy says from her desk, "OMG!" (Told you, she's a f**king cliché) and Mitzy is just laughing at my awkwardness, "$teve? How dare you? What kind of girl do you think I am?" I'm blushing (and wearing a sh*t-eating grin at the same time), "I'm sorry, I...honestly couldn't have planned that any better." We had a good laugh...and I got my ass out of there before they could change their minds about the situation (been to a few too many sexual harassment trainings in my life). So yeah, great way to start the day...with accidentally motorboating a beautiful blonde that I pay monthly. I can just see it now. Every time we see each other, we'll just start laughing...and nobody else will know why...except Ditzy but she'll probably forget...by lunch tomorrow.
Last night, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched "Aliens" and "Airplane!" and cooked some burgers. Apparently my step-uncle's getting married on Saturday (yes, the 4th of July). Why? Because when else can you have a parade & fireworks for your anniversary? My dad & stepmom were married on the 4th of July too. Not a bad time for a wedding either. Everybody will be in town for family gatherings and what have you, the weather's usually pretty good (maybe a little on the warm side), it's easy to remember (gentlemen) and most people can get that day off work. What's not to like about celebrating your Dependence on Independence Day? Not one darn thing. Something for all the future Mrs Dr Loves out there to think about...and if you don't like that idea, then you don't like America. Here's some news...
Most Dangerous Sport - What is the most dangerous sport to participate in? Football? Basketball? Wrestling? Rochambeau? Dodgeball? Bullfighting? Sharkwrangling? Cockteasing? You may be surprised...and strangely aroused at the answer. Cheerleading safety efforts have led to modest reductions in the number of serious injuries in recent years, according to a new report about college and high school sports and cheerleading mishaps...but cheerleading continues to cause more serious and deadly injuries by far than other sports. Researchers have long known how dangerous cheerleading is, but records were poorly kept until recently. An update to the record-keeping system last year found that between 1982 and 2007, there were 103 fatal, disabling or serious injuries recorded among female high school athletes, with the vast majority (67) occurring in cheerleading. The next most dangerous sports: gymnastics (nine such injuries) and track (seven). Today, the National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill released its 26th annual report on the topic. The latest figures are from the 2007-2008 academic year for college and high school sports, male and female. The report defines catastrophic injuries as any severe or fatal injury incurred during participation in the sport. The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:
I've finally been able to stop by the DMV and register my car for yet another year this morning (f**king taxes for nothin') and though I was a little irked...I was also in a great mood...and then it happened. The time had come again to pay rent for the upcoming month, so I went to the office to hand in my check. I was greeted by the two blonde girls who show off the rooms. The one who gave me the original tour and says "like" and "totally" all the time...and describes everything as "supercute", we'll call...Ditzy, and the other who seems a lot more intelligent and has an ample bosom, which she likes to display fortunately, we'll call her Mitzy. Well, Mitzy had seen me work out a few times (the bathroom is adjacent to the universal weight machine) so she greeted me by name, "Hey $teve, how can I help you?" "I just needed to pay rent before you ladies kick me out." I pull my check out of my pocket and a few pennies fall out onto the carpet. We both go down to pick up the change...and BOOM! I'm face-first in her love pillows. I'm talking skin on skin contact (and she may had been wearing perfume). Now, my instinct is to do certain things with my mouth...but I resist the urge...and we both kind of shoot back to an upright position, staring at each other stunned for a second...then slowly turns to smiles. "Wow!!! I ugh...I'm sorry, I...I'll get the change." Ditzy says from her desk, "OMG!" (Told you, she's a f**king cliché) and Mitzy is just laughing at my awkwardness, "$teve? How dare you? What kind of girl do you think I am?" I'm blushing (and wearing a sh*t-eating grin at the same time), "I'm sorry, I...honestly couldn't have planned that any better." We had a good laugh...and I got my ass out of there before they could change their minds about the situation (been to a few too many sexual harassment trainings in my life). So yeah, great way to start the day...with accidentally motorboating a beautiful blonde that I pay monthly. I can just see it now. Every time we see each other, we'll just start laughing...and nobody else will know why...except Ditzy but she'll probably forget...by lunch tomorrow.
Last night, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched "Aliens" and "Airplane!" and cooked some burgers. Apparently my step-uncle's getting married on Saturday (yes, the 4th of July). Why? Because when else can you have a parade & fireworks for your anniversary? My dad & stepmom were married on the 4th of July too. Not a bad time for a wedding either. Everybody will be in town for family gatherings and what have you, the weather's usually pretty good (maybe a little on the warm side), it's easy to remember (gentlemen) and most people can get that day off work. What's not to like about celebrating your Dependence on Independence Day? Not one darn thing. Something for all the future Mrs Dr Loves out there to think about...and if you don't like that idea, then you don't like America. Here's some news...
Most Dangerous Sport - What is the most dangerous sport to participate in? Football? Basketball? Wrestling? Rochambeau? Dodgeball? Bullfighting? Sharkwrangling? Cockteasing? You may be surprised...and strangely aroused at the answer. Cheerleading safety efforts have led to modest reductions in the number of serious injuries in recent years, according to a new report about college and high school sports and cheerleading mishaps...but cheerleading continues to cause more serious and deadly injuries by far than other sports. Researchers have long known how dangerous cheerleading is, but records were poorly kept until recently. An update to the record-keeping system last year found that between 1982 and 2007, there were 103 fatal, disabling or serious injuries recorded among female high school athletes, with the vast majority (67) occurring in cheerleading. The next most dangerous sports: gymnastics (nine such injuries) and track (seven). Today, the National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill released its 26th annual report on the topic. The latest figures are from the 2007-2008 academic year for college and high school sports, male and female. The report defines catastrophic injuries as any severe or fatal injury incurred during participation in the sport. The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:- There were 1,116 direct catastrophic injuries in high school (905) and college sports (211).
- High school sports were associated with 152 fatalities, 379 non-fatal injuries and 374 serious injuries.
- College sports accounted for 22 fatalities, 63 non-fatal injuries and 126 serious injuries.
- Cheerleading accounted for 65.2 percent of high school and 70.5 percent of college catastrophic injuries among all female sports.
The number of cheerleading injuries fell slightly in the 2007-08 academic year. "Progress has been slow, but there has been an increased emphasis on cheerleading safety," said the study's author Frederick O. Mueller. "Continued data collection on all types of cheerleading injuries will hopefully show that these safety measures are working to reduce injuries." That's right! Cheerleading is more dangerous than bullfighting. Basically, it's more dangerous than all other sports...COMBINED!!! The statistics don't lie. It can't possibly be that they're just permanently injured more because they're in skimpy outfits being tossed into the air and doing back flips over a parquet floor hundreds of times and it takes just one screw-up by any of the people involved. That is why I propose that we do something to help them out. They put their lives on the line every day (or at least those with pep rallies) and I say that when they go home...they should have somebody there to watch over them...and protect them...at all hours of day & night...even when taking a shower...or in the kitchen fixing a snack...because 73% of all accidents happen in the home...because the last thing anybody wants is for a cheerleader to slip and fall in the shower...and you're not there to catch her, hold her slippery body that's firm in all the right places, and help to stand her up...and comfort her in her state of shock. "It's okay. It's okay." "Wait, where did you come from? Why are you in my shower?" "Sssh, there there. It's okay. Just relax now, the important thing is that I'm here for you." "Who are you?" "Sssh, relax. I'm just a guy who saves cheerleaders from slipping in the shower using my ninja powers. Save the cheerleader. Save the world." "What?" "Don't you watch Heroes?" "What? You're a superhero?" "What? Sure. Look, just...sssh, it's okay. Oh, you're shivering. We have to keep you warm. Let's dry you off and get you in bed. Don't you worry. I'll be in bed next to you the whole time." So yeah, cheerleading's dangerous...and ladies & gentlemen, please don't shower alone. The risks are simply too high. If you find yourself needing a shower companion, just leave me a comment. I'm surprisingly affordable.
Never Wake A Sleepwalker - Since I'm all for giving out advice, here's another tidbit. A sleepwalking episode led to a stabbing. The Kansas City Star reported on its Web site Wednesday that the 24-year-old victim suffered a stab wound to his face and shoulder. Police said the victim's girlfriend awoke around 1:30 a.m. Wednesday to find her boyfriend urinating in the closet (we've all been there). He was intoxicated when he arrived at his apartment several hours earlier (surprise, surprise). Police said the man had a history of sleepwalking and ignored his girlfriend's repeated efforts to wake him up. He pushed her out of the way as he walked toward the kitchen, and she reportedly became scared that he might hit her. Police said she grabbed a knife and held it up as he approached. He sustained injuries that are believed to be non-life threatening. So...allegedly, he was sleepwalking...while intoxicated...and urinating in the closet...and got stabbed by his girlfriend. Sounds like one hell of a night...and a touching story to bring up at their wedding reception. "Honey, remember that time you stabbed me because I was drunk and you feared for your life...and then you found out I was just sleepwalking. Hahahahaha, I love ya sweetie...and that love will last longer than these scars on my face and neck." Aaaaaw...what can I say? I'm a romantic.
Monkey Pees on President - Speaking of Urination (no, not a small country in Eastern Europe), a monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to journalists at a news conference on Wednesday. Banda softly shouted: "You (monkey) have urinated on my jacket," and paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in a tree just above his chair. "Perhaps these are blessings," he said continuing his address amid laughter from the audience of journalists and diplomats at the State House presidential offices. Several monkeys play around the grounds of Banda's residence and his office. There are also many species of antelope and birds in the State House grounds. Very professional attitude and great charisma under attack. Kudos President Banda...but that sh*t wouldn't fly in $tevonia. The news article would read a little something like this."A monkey urinated on our magnificent and omnipotent $tevonian President, His Lord Grace Chancellor $teve Love as He spoke to minions at a news conference on Wednesday explaining why 'everybody needs to chill the f**k out about this whole prostitution ring thing' that the President has been implicated in. The President paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in the tree just about His throne surrounded by His beautiful cabinet of advisors. He then softly shouted (if you can actually do that): "Haha, you cheeky bastard" as He pulled a nickel-plated Desert Eagle out of His baby seal robe and fired, scattering monkey parts all over the minions as He exclaimed "MACAQUE, mother lover!!!" and handed the weapon to a nearby cabinet member, "Now the rest know who is boss. If any of the others start urinating, send out the flying monkey death squad to eliminate his family. Nobody pisses on my parade. NOBODY!!! This news conference is over!!!" Then He and the cabinet members retreated to his private chambers disrobing along the way...and all the minions were gracious for the precious moments where He graced us with His presence. So say we all. Praise $teve."
Anyway, that'll do it for today. If you'll excuse me, I have to tend to the flying monkey death squad and make sure that they are practicing their enhanced interrogation techniques properly. It's very difficult to teach a monkey to speak Russian...in French...but somehow I pull it off. Sorry, my head's still between Mitzy's breasts. Figuratively, of course. Have a great day everybody!!! BOOBS!!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
The New Superhero, Gilgal
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
I wanted to start by wishing a happy birthday over the weekend to Alisa, Filly, Lemons, my buddy Chris' little girl...and today to Mrs Wingman. Just a lot of happy birthdays this week. Today was also Be A Man Day apparently...so yeah, I did what I set out to do the other day. I went to work, changed the oil in my car (needs to be registered again), watched a movie with my dad, clubbed a baby seal, ate some meat (tilapia that my stepmom made, delicious), and then watched Ben Hur. That's about the extent of it. Awesome, right?
While watching TV with my dad, I saw a preview for the scary movie of the week coming out called "Orphan" about a little girl who, I don't know, is either possessed by the devil or just completely psychotic...just evil though...but it's basically a remake of "The Omen" with a little girl instead of a creepy boy. So I got to thinking...and I wonder if the working title of this movie was something like "W-Omen" because it's The Omen...with a girl. I can only imagine the kind of flack the studio gave them if that were the case. "Do you have any idea what the National Organization of Women will do if we release a horror flick about a possessed demon girl called "Women"?" "It's not Women, it's W-Omen. Wo-Omen! Why can't anybody else see the distinction?" "Really? Because I'm looking at one of the preliminary poster designs...and I'm not exactly a Rhodes Scholar or anything...but I'm pretty sure that I'm reading Women...with a big f**king O!!! As in Oh my God, I can't believe you actually think this would work." "Well, what would you suggest? I don't want to call my work something stupid like that...American Haunting in Eastern Vermont or whatever the hell those movies are." "It's okay. We'll come up with something. Let's see, we didn't pay any royalties to the Omen...so we wouldn't want that name anyway...but something similar...something that, I'VE GOT IT!!! ORPHAN!!!" "But she's not an orphan, she's the daughter of Satan." "SO??? He's in Hell with a bunch of other deadbeat fathers. We're going with Orphan." "It's gonna take a few extra scenes to show..." "Blah blah blah, make it happen director boy. You're budgeted for two days of reshoots and don't ever come into my office again trying to pitch a movie like that. If you come in next year with a movie called Dog Fight Club, I'll have you deported." You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person that has these whole nonsensical theoretical discussions that probably never happened...except in my mind. Whether it's the Kiffins Christmas dinner discussions, bits from the Happily Ever After phase of fairy tales, or just random smart ass remarks...but I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Anyway, here's some news...
Biggest Pants - Maybe I need to go back to the homeland of Eastern Europe to find some pants that fit right. A pair of jeans the size of six tennis courts, stitched together from thousands donated for charity, should be recognized by Guinness World Records as the biggest pair anywhere (and could contain the biggest pair anywhere as well...like Guns of Navaronne balls), organizers said on Sunday. "We've made the world's largest pair of jeans!" the Cockta (tehehe) Jeans Fashion project said on its website. "People were bringing in their old jeans... and sponsors were immediately giving money for humanitarian purposes," project head Boris Juric told national television. The denims were put on display in Croatia's capital Zagreb on Saturday after they were assembled from 8,023 unwanted pairs and auctioned off over the last few months. They have a leg length of 45 meters (148 feet) and a total width of 34 meters and were sewn up in a local factory. For each pair of donated jeans, the project paid seven kunas (1.30 dollars or 90 euro cents) to a local association providing therapy to disabled people, so about $10,000 were raised. It's great to see old jeans to go use. This pants would be perfect for me if they were 34 x 45 inches instead of meters...but alas, I'll just have to look for miniature versions.
Rat Island - Alaska's Rat Island is finally rat-free, 229 years after a Japanese shipwreck spilled rampaging rodents onto the remote Aleutian island, decimating the local bird population. How did this happen? How did these rats disappear after over two centuries of dominance? Well, after dropping poison onto the island from helicopter-hoisted buckets for a week and a half last autumn, there are no signs of living rats...and some birds have returned, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Rats have ruled the island since 1780, when they jumped off a sinking Japanese ship and terrorized all but the largest birds on the island. The incident introduced the non-native Norway rat -- also known as the brown rat -- to Alaska. The $2.5 million Rat Island eradication project, a joint effort between the U.S. federal government, the Nature Conservancy and Island Conservation, is one of the world's most ambitious attempts to remove destructive alien species from an island (second only to the continuing eradication of Martians invaders from the island of America). Now there are signs that several species of birds, including Aleutian cackling geese, ptarmigan, peregrine falcons and black oystercatchers, are starting to nest again on the 10-square-mile (26-sq-km) island. It is too soon to say that Rat Island is definitively rat-free, however. That can only be established after at least two years of monitoring, said Bruce Woods, a spokesman for the Fish and Wildlife Service in Anchorage. "We don't know that there's not a couple of happy rats hiding away that are going to spring out and repopulate the island," he said. Well, if I were the only male left to repopulate a species, I suppose I would be a happy rat too. So yeah, while some wildlife societies set out to save animals, others eradicate them. The difference - Cuteness. Nobody likes brown rats. Brown rats date outside of their species because they can't stand them. However, we can at least tolerate cackling geese...and peregrine falcons are badass. I'm not even sure what a ptarmigan is...but I'm sure it has an exhibit at Sea World. Is there a special exhibit for brown Norwegian rats? Nope. Hence why they were poisoned for over a week. Just a thought I like to throw out whenever PETA and other wildlife conservation communities give me flack. Now the new question is...what to rename the island? Might I suggest $tevonia? Yes, my own little ten square mile principality that's still within the borders of the United States...but probably stinking rich with minerals. Not only that...but possibly a superspecies of rodent immune to poison. Yes, this could be interesting. I could rule with an iron fist over the Aleutians...with peregrine falcon on my shoulder and surrounded by an army of mutant rats.
Panda Update - Continuing on with my loyal army of animals, a committee of the Zoological Park Organization of Thailand has picked four names from thousands of entries submitted from all over the country for the new female baby panda at Chiang Mai Zoo (and the first born in Thailand). The four names on the shortlist are Ying Ying, Thai-Jeen, Lin Ping and Khwan Thai (I have no idea what they mean like "Beautiful Forest" or anything). People throughout the country can vote for one of the four names by sending a postcard to the naming committee. The postcards will be on sale in Bangkok and nearby provinces on June 19 and in other provinces on June 22. The baby panda's name will be announced on Aug 12th, Mother's Day (in Thailand...but every day is Mother's Day in $tevonia). So yeah, if you're in Thailand, cast your vote today. I'm glad that my Panda Porn once again is helping to save the species...so that we can one day rule.
Okay, maybe I've had enough of this omnipotent imagination stuff today. Here are some pictures from my adventures with JL Clyde on Sunday including the 337 Project & Gilgal Park. No, Gilgal is an artist not the female equivalent of Aquaman. He made these rock sculptures at a secret location near Trolley Square. I'd be happy to show you where. Enjoy...
I wanted to start by wishing a happy birthday over the weekend to Alisa, Filly, Lemons, my buddy Chris' little girl...and today to Mrs Wingman. Just a lot of happy birthdays this week. Today was also Be A Man Day apparently...so yeah, I did what I set out to do the other day. I went to work, changed the oil in my car (needs to be registered again), watched a movie with my dad, clubbed a baby seal, ate some meat (tilapia that my stepmom made, delicious), and then watched Ben Hur. That's about the extent of it. Awesome, right?
While watching TV with my dad, I saw a preview for the scary movie of the week coming out called "Orphan" about a little girl who, I don't know, is either possessed by the devil or just completely psychotic...just evil though...but it's basically a remake of "The Omen" with a little girl instead of a creepy boy. So I got to thinking...and I wonder if the working title of this movie was something like "W-Omen" because it's The Omen...with a girl. I can only imagine the kind of flack the studio gave them if that were the case. "Do you have any idea what the National Organization of Women will do if we release a horror flick about a possessed demon girl called "Women"?" "It's not Women, it's W-Omen. Wo-Omen! Why can't anybody else see the distinction?" "Really? Because I'm looking at one of the preliminary poster designs...and I'm not exactly a Rhodes Scholar or anything...but I'm pretty sure that I'm reading Women...with a big f**king O!!! As in Oh my God, I can't believe you actually think this would work." "Well, what would you suggest? I don't want to call my work something stupid like that...American Haunting in Eastern Vermont or whatever the hell those movies are." "It's okay. We'll come up with something. Let's see, we didn't pay any royalties to the Omen...so we wouldn't want that name anyway...but something similar...something that, I'VE GOT IT!!! ORPHAN!!!" "But she's not an orphan, she's the daughter of Satan." "SO??? He's in Hell with a bunch of other deadbeat fathers. We're going with Orphan." "It's gonna take a few extra scenes to show..." "Blah blah blah, make it happen director boy. You're budgeted for two days of reshoots and don't ever come into my office again trying to pitch a movie like that. If you come in next year with a movie called Dog Fight Club, I'll have you deported." You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person that has these whole nonsensical theoretical discussions that probably never happened...except in my mind. Whether it's the Kiffins Christmas dinner discussions, bits from the Happily Ever After phase of fairy tales, or just random smart ass remarks...but I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Anyway, here's some news...
Biggest Pants - Maybe I need to go back to the homeland of Eastern Europe to find some pants that fit right. A pair of jeans the size of six tennis courts, stitched together from thousands donated for charity, should be recognized by Guinness World Records as the biggest pair anywhere (and could contain the biggest pair anywhere as well...like Guns of Navaronne balls), organizers said on Sunday. "We've made the world's largest pair of jeans!" the Cockta (tehehe) Jeans Fashion project said on its website. "People were bringing in their old jeans... and sponsors were immediately giving money for humanitarian purposes," project head Boris Juric told national television. The denims were put on display in Croatia's capital Zagreb on Saturday after they were assembled from 8,023 unwanted pairs and auctioned off over the last few months. They have a leg length of 45 meters (148 feet) and a total width of 34 meters and were sewn up in a local factory. For each pair of donated jeans, the project paid seven kunas (1.30 dollars or 90 euro cents) to a local association providing therapy to disabled people, so about $10,000 were raised. It's great to see old jeans to go use. This pants would be perfect for me if they were 34 x 45 inches instead of meters...but alas, I'll just have to look for miniature versions.
Rat Island - Alaska's Rat Island is finally rat-free, 229 years after a Japanese shipwreck spilled rampaging rodents onto the remote Aleutian island, decimating the local bird population. How did this happen? How did these rats disappear after over two centuries of dominance? Well, after dropping poison onto the island from helicopter-hoisted buckets for a week and a half last autumn, there are no signs of living rats...and some birds have returned, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Rats have ruled the island since 1780, when they jumped off a sinking Japanese ship and terrorized all but the largest birds on the island. The incident introduced the non-native Norway rat -- also known as the brown rat -- to Alaska. The $2.5 million Rat Island eradication project, a joint effort between the U.S. federal government, the Nature Conservancy and Island Conservation, is one of the world's most ambitious attempts to remove destructive alien species from an island (second only to the continuing eradication of Martians invaders from the island of America). Now there are signs that several species of birds, including Aleutian cackling geese, ptarmigan, peregrine falcons and black oystercatchers, are starting to nest again on the 10-square-mile (26-sq-km) island. It is too soon to say that Rat Island is definitively rat-free, however. That can only be established after at least two years of monitoring, said Bruce Woods, a spokesman for the Fish and Wildlife Service in Anchorage. "We don't know that there's not a couple of happy rats hiding away that are going to spring out and repopulate the island," he said. Well, if I were the only male left to repopulate a species, I suppose I would be a happy rat too. So yeah, while some wildlife societies set out to save animals, others eradicate them. The difference - Cuteness. Nobody likes brown rats. Brown rats date outside of their species because they can't stand them. However, we can at least tolerate cackling geese...and peregrine falcons are badass. I'm not even sure what a ptarmigan is...but I'm sure it has an exhibit at Sea World. Is there a special exhibit for brown Norwegian rats? Nope. Hence why they were poisoned for over a week. Just a thought I like to throw out whenever PETA and other wildlife conservation communities give me flack. Now the new question is...what to rename the island? Might I suggest $tevonia? Yes, my own little ten square mile principality that's still within the borders of the United States...but probably stinking rich with minerals. Not only that...but possibly a superspecies of rodent immune to poison. Yes, this could be interesting. I could rule with an iron fist over the Aleutians...with peregrine falcon on my shoulder and surrounded by an army of mutant rats.
Panda Update - Continuing on with my loyal army of animals, a committee of the Zoological Park Organization of Thailand has picked four names from thousands of entries submitted from all over the country for the new female baby panda at Chiang Mai Zoo (and the first born in Thailand). The four names on the shortlist are Ying Ying, Thai-Jeen, Lin Ping and Khwan Thai (I have no idea what they mean like "Beautiful Forest" or anything). People throughout the country can vote for one of the four names by sending a postcard to the naming committee. The postcards will be on sale in Bangkok and nearby provinces on June 19 and in other provinces on June 22. The baby panda's name will be announced on Aug 12th, Mother's Day (in Thailand...but every day is Mother's Day in $tevonia). So yeah, if you're in Thailand, cast your vote today. I'm glad that my Panda Porn once again is helping to save the species...so that we can one day rule.Okay, maybe I've had enough of this omnipotent imagination stuff today. Here are some pictures from my adventures with JL Clyde on Sunday including the 337 Project & Gilgal Park. No, Gilgal is an artist not the female equivalent of Aquaman. He made these rock sculptures at a secret location near Trolley Square. I'd be happy to show you where. Enjoy...
337 Project in the heart of Rose Park
I'd pay to see a bear fight a giant rooster
The Blue Plate Diner - Good eats...
...and a velvet Elvis
Gilgal Sculpture Gardens
Meet Joseph Sphinx
The sculptor, Mr Gilgal
A Bird Hotel
Oh...and there's a garden too
Have a great day everybody!!!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Girls Jumping on Trampolines
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well, the Olympics have been a lot of fun to watch. I hung out with my dad last night for a bit, heard stories about storms during the Sturgis Rally, and in the past 24 hours or so, I have seen the USA women's beach volleyball team of May-Treanor/Walsh (107 consecutive wins now) take on the Brazilian beach volleyball team (hotchuma hotchuma), the USA women's indoor volleyball team take on the Italian indoor team (bellisima bellisima), and I be damned if there wasn't an Olympic sport called Women's Trampoline…straight out of a fellow pervert's fantasy. Though it wasn't quite as bouncy as expected, it was still an extremely hot surprise. Can't wait for tonight's Women's Mud Wrestling finals. Still think it's a little weird that Trampoline is a sport…but they're taking baseball and softball off the Olympic events because the USA wins soooooo easily every time. I mean…wasn't basketball pretty much the same thing up until the last decade? Are we just going to eliminate all national sports from the Olympics? Good bye hockey. Good bye soccer (not to be confused with REAL football). Good bye volleyball (Sri Lanka's). Good bye table tennis (host nation China). Even basketball would be gone thanks to Lithuania. By the way, did you know that Buzkashi is the national sport of Afghanistan? All this time I thought it was some kind of Japanese sex act…but apparently it's like polo. Anyway, you'll never know now…because it's a national sport…and therefore not part of the Olympics. Just makes more room for new sporting events like Channel Surfing, Madden 2012, Dance Dance Revolution, Blogging (I think I could medal in that one), Texting, Binge Eating, Binge Drinking, Sleeping, Rochambeau, Purple Nurple, Yo Mama, Quarters, Beer Pong, Head butting, Thunderdome, Ship's Mast (if muscle cars are allowed in), Stripping, Staring (also a possible medaling event for me), and Fornicating, the ultimate spectator sport.
Anyway, glad to be interested in the Olympics for the time being…except I think the events where judges are involved are absolutely rigged. I could say that I don't understand the criteria and all of that…but having watched the events for the better part of my life, I know a little bit…and what I know isn't being adhered to. I'd hate to say Conspiracy of the Day - The Olympics are Rigged…but it's pretty much common knowledge, not really a conspiracy. That's why I prefer to watch the timed events…and see the USA dominating most of those (thanks to Phelps & the 400 meter hurdles sweep). Good times. I even watched Table Tennis…and Fencing. Even that was interesting…because it's the Olympics.
Agony of Defeat - Liu Xiang is a national treasure of the People's Republic of China. In 2004, he became the first Chinese track & field athlete to win a Gold Medal when he won the 110 meter hurdles. He also won that event in the 2007 World Championships. He tried to live up to the expectations of a nation of 1.3 billion proud people...and of sponsors that include Coca-Cola and Visa. He has all the trappings of modern celebrity, rivaled among Chinese athletes only by Houston Rockets center Yao Ming. Liu croons in a music video, appears in TV commercials and looks down on China's streets from billboards bearing his image in a leather jacket for Cadillac and running gear for Nike. This is a man whose legs were insured for about $13 million…or roughly a penny from each Chinese citizen (Take that, Tina Turner). Sunday was the running of his event, the 400 meter hurdles…but he had suffered from a hamstring / Achilles tendon injury for some time. It had forced him to pull out of several meets over the last few months, appear in public rarely, and train in seclusion to try and overcome it. He took the field…but it was obviously that something was very wrong and he was in agonizing pain…but the nation of 1.3 billion was behind him. He had to show up. The 110-meter hurdles final was expected to be one of the highlights of these Olympics: China's Liu vs. Cuba's Dayron Robles, the man who broke Liu's world record in June — with a packed house ready to cheer on their man. Unfortunately, after a false start, it became evident that he couldn't do it…and he walked away in grimacing torture…and countrymen walked out of the stands, disappointed with their fallen hero. Is that some cold stuff or what? My heart goes out to Liu. To train so hard and for so long, be a national icon, be under such extreme pressure, and then…not sure exactly what but probably just roll an ankle or something…and it's all over. Shame to those people who walked out on him in the stands though…unless they were walking down to help him out. That's the only excuse.
Today's Special: Turtle Soup - As many of my fellow nature nerds know, every year when the sea turtles bury their little hatchlings on the sandy shores of the tropical seas, they face many challenges. The little turtle squirtles are alone, surrounded by natural predators, rough seas, tourists, and have really nothing other than an instinctual pull towards the light of a full moon to drive them to the relative safety of the ocean. However, with the development of those white-sandy beaches, light pollution causes problems with their genetic GPS. In the southern Italian region of Calabria, about 60 newly hatched sea turtles lost their way during their ritual passage to the sea and marched into an Italian restaurant instead. The baby turtles, which ended up under the tables of startled diners at the beachside restaurant, were probably thrown off track and lured by the eatery's bright lights. Antonio Colucci of the WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature, not a wrassler) said, "They saw the artificial lights and took the wrong route. The diners were at first quite curious and then someone alerted the coastal authorities." Luckily these little hatchlings were saved and sent back out to sea…instead of becoming part of the menu. I hear they're delicious…and not just the chocolaty ones with caramel in the middle.
More Odd Italian News - Emboldened by a nationwide crackdown on crime and a government decree giving them extra law-and-order powers, Italian mayors have issued a string of often bizarre by-laws to enhance "public decorum." For example, when on the isle of Capri, don't wander off the beach in a bikini. If you go to the sea in Eraclea, near Venice, remember that building sandcastles is forbidden. Don't even think about mowing your lawn on the weekend in Forte dei Marmi (ah schucks…but wait, when can I do it then?). PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) in a car can earn you a fine of up to 500 euros ($745) in Eboli (not to be confused with Ebola). Feeding pigeons is off-limits in the centre of Lucca. In Novara groups of more than two people are forbidden from lounging around in parks at night. Italian newspapers have dubbed this year's holiday season "the summer of bans." This week though, one town hall was forced to acknowledge things may have gone too far. Rodrigo Piccoli, 33, called national radio to protest after he was fined 50 euros for lying down in a park in the northern city of Vicenza to read a book. The mayor has since promised to drop the ban. Which begs the question, if you had absolute power, what kind of laws would you pass in your land? Here are some possible laws for the Land of $tevonia (flag still pending from the Ultimate Challenge):
This is just a small sampling of some of the laws that some would call absurd…but why not? If you have any better ideas, I'd love to hear them. Who knows? You may be bestowed with the title of Lawmaker in the Land of $tevonia.
I guess that'll do it for today. Called the dental hygienist earlier today…but have yet to hear back from her. We shall see how that goes. In the meantime, no real plans for tonight…but I'm sure the Olympics will be involved. Have a great day everybody!!!
Well, the Olympics have been a lot of fun to watch. I hung out with my dad last night for a bit, heard stories about storms during the Sturgis Rally, and in the past 24 hours or so, I have seen the USA women's beach volleyball team of May-Treanor/Walsh (107 consecutive wins now) take on the Brazilian beach volleyball team (hotchuma hotchuma), the USA women's indoor volleyball team take on the Italian indoor team (bellisima bellisima), and I be damned if there wasn't an Olympic sport called Women's Trampoline…straight out of a fellow pervert's fantasy. Though it wasn't quite as bouncy as expected, it was still an extremely hot surprise. Can't wait for tonight's Women's Mud Wrestling finals. Still think it's a little weird that Trampoline is a sport…but they're taking baseball and softball off the Olympic events because the USA wins soooooo easily every time. I mean…wasn't basketball pretty much the same thing up until the last decade? Are we just going to eliminate all national sports from the Olympics? Good bye hockey. Good bye soccer (not to be confused with REAL football). Good bye volleyball (Sri Lanka's). Good bye table tennis (host nation China). Even basketball would be gone thanks to Lithuania. By the way, did you know that Buzkashi is the national sport of Afghanistan? All this time I thought it was some kind of Japanese sex act…but apparently it's like polo. Anyway, you'll never know now…because it's a national sport…and therefore not part of the Olympics. Just makes more room for new sporting events like Channel Surfing, Madden 2012, Dance Dance Revolution, Blogging (I think I could medal in that one), Texting, Binge Eating, Binge Drinking, Sleeping, Rochambeau, Purple Nurple, Yo Mama, Quarters, Beer Pong, Head butting, Thunderdome, Ship's Mast (if muscle cars are allowed in), Stripping, Staring (also a possible medaling event for me), and Fornicating, the ultimate spectator sport.Anyway, glad to be interested in the Olympics for the time being…except I think the events where judges are involved are absolutely rigged. I could say that I don't understand the criteria and all of that…but having watched the events for the better part of my life, I know a little bit…and what I know isn't being adhered to. I'd hate to say Conspiracy of the Day - The Olympics are Rigged…but it's pretty much common knowledge, not really a conspiracy. That's why I prefer to watch the timed events…and see the USA dominating most of those (thanks to Phelps & the 400 meter hurdles sweep). Good times. I even watched Table Tennis…and Fencing. Even that was interesting…because it's the Olympics.
Agony of Defeat - Liu Xiang is a national treasure of the People's Republic of China. In 2004, he became the first Chinese track & field athlete to win a Gold Medal when he won the 110 meter hurdles. He also won that event in the 2007 World Championships. He tried to live up to the expectations of a nation of 1.3 billion proud people...and of sponsors that include Coca-Cola and Visa. He has all the trappings of modern celebrity, rivaled among Chinese athletes only by Houston Rockets center Yao Ming. Liu croons in a music video, appears in TV commercials and looks down on China's streets from billboards bearing his image in a leather jacket for Cadillac and running gear for Nike. This is a man whose legs were insured for about $13 million…or roughly a penny from each Chinese citizen (Take that, Tina Turner). Sunday was the running of his event, the 400 meter hurdles…but he had suffered from a hamstring / Achilles tendon injury for some time. It had forced him to pull out of several meets over the last few months, appear in public rarely, and train in seclusion to try and overcome it. He took the field…but it was obviously that something was very wrong and he was in agonizing pain…but the nation of 1.3 billion was behind him. He had to show up. The 110-meter hurdles final was expected to be one of the highlights of these Olympics: China's Liu vs. Cuba's Dayron Robles, the man who broke Liu's world record in June — with a packed house ready to cheer on their man. Unfortunately, after a false start, it became evident that he couldn't do it…and he walked away in grimacing torture…and countrymen walked out of the stands, disappointed with their fallen hero. Is that some cold stuff or what? My heart goes out to Liu. To train so hard and for so long, be a national icon, be under such extreme pressure, and then…not sure exactly what but probably just roll an ankle or something…and it's all over. Shame to those people who walked out on him in the stands though…unless they were walking down to help him out. That's the only excuse.
Today's Special: Turtle Soup - As many of my fellow nature nerds know, every year when the sea turtles bury their little hatchlings on the sandy shores of the tropical seas, they face many challenges. The little turtle squirtles are alone, surrounded by natural predators, rough seas, tourists, and have really nothing other than an instinctual pull towards the light of a full moon to drive them to the relative safety of the ocean. However, with the development of those white-sandy beaches, light pollution causes problems with their genetic GPS. In the southern Italian region of Calabria, about 60 newly hatched sea turtles lost their way during their ritual passage to the sea and marched into an Italian restaurant instead. The baby turtles, which ended up under the tables of startled diners at the beachside restaurant, were probably thrown off track and lured by the eatery's bright lights. Antonio Colucci of the WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature, not a wrassler) said, "They saw the artificial lights and took the wrong route. The diners were at first quite curious and then someone alerted the coastal authorities." Luckily these little hatchlings were saved and sent back out to sea…instead of becoming part of the menu. I hear they're delicious…and not just the chocolaty ones with caramel in the middle.
More Odd Italian News - Emboldened by a nationwide crackdown on crime and a government decree giving them extra law-and-order powers, Italian mayors have issued a string of often bizarre by-laws to enhance "public decorum." For example, when on the isle of Capri, don't wander off the beach in a bikini. If you go to the sea in Eraclea, near Venice, remember that building sandcastles is forbidden. Don't even think about mowing your lawn on the weekend in Forte dei Marmi (ah schucks…but wait, when can I do it then?). PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) in a car can earn you a fine of up to 500 euros ($745) in Eboli (not to be confused with Ebola). Feeding pigeons is off-limits in the centre of Lucca. In Novara groups of more than two people are forbidden from lounging around in parks at night. Italian newspapers have dubbed this year's holiday season "the summer of bans." This week though, one town hall was forced to acknowledge things may have gone too far. Rodrigo Piccoli, 33, called national radio to protest after he was fined 50 euros for lying down in a park in the northern city of Vicenza to read a book. The mayor has since promised to drop the ban. Which begs the question, if you had absolute power, what kind of laws would you pass in your land? Here are some possible laws for the Land of $tevonia (flag still pending from the Ultimate Challenge):- Conflicts that cannot be resolved by rational communication, for whatever reason, shall be settled by either coin toss or dance off
- The method will be determined…by a coin toss (heads for coin toss, tails for dance off)
- Anybody who questions the method of determining the method will automatically be deemed "wrong"
- Failure to obey the rituals of Mistletoe will result in a $500 fine, so just kiss the ugly bugger
- Mistletoe will be above the doorways of government buildings…so at least you get a little something sweet before getting screwed
- Driving & talking on the phone for anything other than directions will result in a $500 fine
- Repeat offenses will result in Catapult
- If your dog barks in my general direction, I am entitled to $20 per yelp
- Payment can be substituted with the rituals of Mistletoe…but it had better be good at $20 a pop
- Frame of reference: Three-minute lap dances are usually $20…also acceptable bartering currency
- Something for the ladies, any man caught staring at a woman's cleavage must take that woman to a restaurant of their choosing for dinner
- If her dinner plans are full for the next month due to previous penalties or other engagements, she is entitled to a full-body massage…and it had better be good…otherwise, it's the Catapult for you
- Catapult will not be considered "cruel" punishment…just unusual…and therefore legal
- Persons caught vandalizing cars or houses will be prostituted to the fullest extent of the law…and yes, I did say prostituted…and you don't wanna know what I mean by "fullest extent of the law"
- When two people meet & greet each other, hugs shall replace handshakes as the preferred greeting
- If meeting for the first time, you are obligated to break the ice by saying your name, compliment the other person, tell them a lofty dream of a goal that you have, and then saying your name once again…so that they can easily recall it later.
- For example, "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, my name is $teve. You have some of the most amazing blue eyes that I have ever seen. One day, I would like to roll around naked in a pile of money…preferably with a beautiful woman such as yourself. Again, my name is $teve…and you are?" "Tehehe, awesome. Well, my name is Gretchen. (Whiff) Mmm, that was your scent of major histocompatibility complex genes that was driving me wild. I too dream of rolling around naked in money…or feel the sensation of soft panda fur on my body. Ugh…oh yeah, Gretchen was the name." "I'm sorry, I was staring at your breasts. I guess that means that I owe you dinner."
This is just a small sampling of some of the laws that some would call absurd…but why not? If you have any better ideas, I'd love to hear them. Who knows? You may be bestowed with the title of Lawmaker in the Land of $tevonia.
I guess that'll do it for today. Called the dental hygienist earlier today…but have yet to hear back from her. We shall see how that goes. In the meantime, no real plans for tonight…but I'm sure the Olympics will be involved. Have a great day everybody!!!
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