The Legend of Sierra Cement

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A beautiful blizzard blasted the area…but only for about the twenty minute drive to work this morning. I mean it dropped about 3-5 inches in that time with gale force winds...and then as I stopped into my office, the snow stopped, the wind died down, the sky cleared up for a bit...and then it kind of rained off & on throughout the day. Not bad. It could've been a lot worse...and I would be dreading the 6 AM hour tomorrow when I would be shoveling snow off my Jeep. No, not brushing snow off, shoveling. By the way, the first big snow storm here about a month ago was the light powdery stuff that I was used to in Utah. Not too bad when there’s a few feet of that. However, this is the wonderful wet mixture of snow that the locals affectionately call “Sierra Cement” and I kid you not, having worked with cement in the past, the consistency is very similar. Even a few inches will really work out those shoveling muscles…which is a good thing. By the way, I’ve started going to a new recreation center about two miles from my apartment to get back into shape (since it’s been about 9 months since I’ve done physical activity that didn’t involve lifting of furniture or running around like a decapitated chicken). It’s a beautiful facility…but obviously kid oriented. They have special times where you can use the basketball court (usually during nap time) but they also have a track & some weight machines…and it’s only $20 a month, which isn’t that bad. So yeah, your boy $teve’s gonna get ripped like Jesus again…ladies…

Other than that, really not a whole lot to say…so I thought I’d catch you up on the past month of movie watching that I’ve done with fairly brief blurbs about most of them. So just sit back, relax, probably want to do a couple stretches to get comfortable, because it’s gonna be a lot to take in…but you may just learn a little something. (Not the first time I’ve said that…)

Notorious (1946) – NOT to be confused with the Biggie Smalls biopic last year. This is the spy classic directed by Alfred Hitchcock about a government agent (Cary Grant) who recruits an American beauty (the captivating Ingrid Bergman) to spy on her deceased father’s influential Nazi friends in Rio de Janeiro. Of course, the agent & the beauty fall in love…but in order to bring down the Socialist movement, she must get “close” to one of the targets. Like really close. Like marriage. Will this put a strain on their relationship? Will they be able to do the mission? Will the Nazis find out that she’s a spy? Great flick. I highly recommend it.

Fear (1995) – I just watched this one last night for the first time…though I’ve loved the soundtrack for years (remember Bush’s “Sixteen Stone” was the first album that I bought). It’s the story of a 16-year old (Reese Witherspoon) who goes to a party with her friend (Alyssa Milano…rrrrrrrr) and meets a nice boy from the shady side of town (Marky Mark). They fall for one another, he giggidies her geschmougiddy and things are going good…until he decides to flip out and beat the crap out of one of her friends. Then she finds out that he’s a f**king psycho…and the movie goes from there. I actually really liked this movie…and I think it’s because you’ve seen this story a million times before on those sh*tty Lifetime movies and other flicks…but this one’s actually told in a kind of a slow subtle way…and then quickly turns to crazy…and Marky Mark does a good crazy. Check it out if you want.

Avatar (2009) – GO SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D!!! Period. I don’t know how much I can stress that. According to box office numbers, you all already have…but if you haven’t, then do yourself a favor. Now, I’m going to be honest, the story is basically the same as “Dances with Wolves” and others where a military guy (Sam Worthington) goes into a strange new world full of “savage creatures” and learns their way of life, falls in love with one of them & conflict ensues. However, this is in a gorgeous and incredibly interesting world of neon plants & these ten-foot tall blue cat monkey natives & Sigourney Weaver’s in it. You can’t go wrong there. The entire movie is specifically made for 3D. Every single scene is an absolute treat for the eyes. Mister James Cameron, I would like to apologize for all the bad things that I said about “Titanic” over the years (probably before this blog because I think I shut it out of my mind around the turn of the millennium). Kudos, sir. Kudos. You are WELL on your way to winning a $tevie for Movie of the Year…but the year is young.

Public Enemies (2009) – Do you love “Heat”? Have you ever wondered what it would’ve been like if the movie were set during the Great Depression? And you replaced Al Pacino with Christian Bale? And Robert DeNiro with Johnny Depp? That would be this movie. Seriously. I’m trying to think of ways that it’s different…and it’s really just the wardrobe and the guns used (good ol’ Tommy guns). I’m not saying that it isn’t a great movie…because I love my “Heat” and really just about every Michael Mann movie out there (except “Miami Vice”). I’m just saying, you’ve seen it before…but this time with younger great actors.

Jennifer’s Body (2009) – “$teve, why didn’t you go see this in theatres?” Because I was busy that weekend…and it only lasted one weekend. As my loyal readers would know, I’ve been following this movie for a while. The story of a high school cheerleader (Megan Fox) who is possessed by a demon and devours young men (not metaphorically like other succubi, succubuses, whatever the plural would be) and her best friends (Amanda Seyfried) is the only one that can save the town, told through the quirky dialogue of Diablo Cody (“Juno”). Really though, there’s only one thing that stands out about this movie…and it’s my zipper. By which I say, Megan Fox is really hot…even at creepily inappropriate times it seems. The dialogue is actually quite horrible. The story is…well, it’s what you expect. All in all, looking back on it, there really is only one good thing about it. Scratch that, AMAZING thing about it. Still, give it a shot if you’d like. Probably an okay movie to watch with friends…and I loved the part where I was singing along with Adam Brody to Tommy Tutone’s greatest hit.

District 9 (2009) – Aliens travel millions of light years…and basically their ship breaks down on Earth…and they build a shanty town in Johannesburg, South Africa where they’re treated as second-class citizens. After about twenty years (yes, TWENTY years) the government decides that they’re going to move the shanty town away from the city to the middle of BFE…or I guess BFSA since they aren’t in Egypt. The eviction manager get some black liquid on him and starts to mutate into one of the aliens…so he’s on the run, befriends the one alien who can fly the ship…but only if he gets more of that black liquid and it goes from there. I honestly didn’t care for this movie at all. It seemed…like an incredibly obvious and specific allegory to Apartheid…that then wanted to throw in space travel & aliens somehow to make it interesting. That’s kind of like taking the Diary of Anne Frank…and throwing in vampires. Hmm… It’s okay. I wrote that one down. Patent pending!!!

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – So the first couple of weeks I was here in Truckee, I decided to see a bunch of slasher classics because…I hadn’t seen them. I told you about how the original “Friday the 13th” is about 13 times better than the sh*tty remake that made last year. So before they remake “Elm Street”, I wanted to check out the original. Teenagers are dying in their sleep…and not like mixing prescriptions…but like slashed by a ghost or something…and nobody knows why. So what to do? Just don’t go to sleep. Well, that’s all well and good for about a week. Then what? This is actually a pretty good slasher film from Wes Craven, who makes some pretty good ones (more on that later). Oh yeah…and Johnny Depp gets killed in this one. Check it out.

The Prowler (1981) – Don’t pay attention to the back-story on this one. You’ll just have too many questions. Basically, I’m gonna spill it out like this. There’s a college graduation dance full of sexually active coeds who know how to party…and some guy (or gal…dun duh duuuuuh…) is killing them. Why? That’s the question. How do they stop them? The police keep dropping like flies too. Anyway, it’s a quintessential slasher film starring…ugh, I think John Saxon was in it. You know, the American guy from “Enter the Dragon”? The real star of the movie though is legendary gory special effects master Tom Savini and his work on this film. Definitely worth a rent on Netflix if you’ve got the chance.

Scream Trilogy (1996-2000) – Classics, all of them, though progressively worse as with most trilogies that aren’t originally built as trilogies. It also amazed me how many notable actors starred in these movies in rather small parts at the time. Seriously. If you haven’t seen these movies, I’m not even going to go over the story, just watch them. It’s basically a slasher movie parodying slasher movies…but still a great slasher movie. I love these flicks…and Neve Campbell still does it for me.

Drag Me to Hell (2009) – Quite possibly the most appropriate title for this movie as I’m sure that many people felt this way after paying $10 to see it in theatres after their friend talked them into seeing it. I don’t even want to talk about it. Sam Raimi, I’m sorry but you should stick to f**king Spiderman movies & Bruce Campbell flicks.

World’s Greatest Dad (2009) – I think Robin Williams is a legendary comedian and an incredibly underrated actor. So when I see he’s doing an independent comedy directed by Bob(cat) Goldthwait (remember him?) then you bet your ass I’m going to watch it. It’s the story of a poetry teacher / frustrated writer / single father (Williams) who is just trying to raise his teenage son, who’s basically a prick. Well, the son dies in a freak accident (autoerotic asphicsiation gone wrong) and to save the family embarrassment, the dad ghostwrites a suicide note. However, the note gets spread throughout the school…and the father sees it as a way to resurrect his writing career. It sounds horrible I know (then again, if you break down the premise of just about every Disney movie, you can make anything sound bad) and that’s why it’s an independent film…but hey, if you’re into indie movies, check it out. You’ll get a few laughs…and maybe a tear or two.

The Girlfriend Experience (2009) – I have no idea what the f**k fellow $teve, director Steven Soderbergh (“Ocean’s 11” movies), was thinking when he decided to do this flick. Granted, it was shot in two weeks on a budget of less than $2 million and the star is porn superstar Sasha Grey but still…come on. Basically it’s like they wrote this story of a high priced call girl and her trainer boyfriend…dropped the script when somebody bumped into them in the hall…and he said, “F**k it, we don’t have time to put them in order, let’s just shoot it all in the order you pick them up. What’s the first scene?” There’s really no point to this movie. Oh, the life of a call girl is complex? Dangerous? Hard on your personal relationships? No sh*t!!! Get a pimp, b**ch. Let us do what we do. Sorry, I ugh…I mean yeah, it is. It’s not for the squares. Anyway, didn’t care for this movie. That’s right, I got to look at a sexy porn star for 80 minutes…and I STILL didn’t care for it. Maybe it’s modern art or something, because I just didn’t get it.

Zombie Strippers (2008) – On the same note, how could a movie TITLED “Zombie Strippers” (two good things) and starring Jenna Jameson & Freddy Kruger, set in a Nebraska gentlemen’s club not be incredibly awesome? Well, it was what you’d expect…and so much worse.

Anyway, hate to end it on a couple sour notes with the movie reviews…but hey, that’s how it works out. I’m here to help. On that note, join me tomorrow when I have a bunch more news ready to share with you…and as always, I like to mix sexy into every soup I make for you. What’s on tap? Mmm, how about my baby mama Milla & Malkovich eating pie on the subway while looking for “artificial stimulation”? Oh yeah. It’s that good…but don’t worry, I’ll make it last. Have a great day everybody…especially the ladies.

Everybody Loves Macaque

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

It finally happened. I didn't have a beautiful woman next to me in my Spinning class last night at the gym…but as always, there's a story involved. I show up a few minutes early as I usually do, already in a bit of a sweat because I usually work out for about 45 minutes before class (basketball, weights, treadmill, whatever) and the class starts to fill in. In walks this tall, cute brunette…and of course, I'm already thinking "Oh yeah, she's the one that's going to sit on this bike in front of me." I continue to pedal nonchalantly, playing it cool…and as luck would have it, she did start to adjust the bike in front of me. $teve wins again!!! Then about three seconds later, this guy in his fifties comes in the door and creeps to the bike next to her. She sees this, see that basically the only people in the class are all bunched right there in front of me, and then goes to one of the other bikes on the other side of the room. I was just Gawk Blocked. Anyway, it was still a pretty good workout…and Hot Yoga is tonight…so there's going to be some hot, sweaty eye candy and a bunch of Thai words I don't know, so I have permission to look around. You know, to see what everybody's doing. Don't judge me.

Have you ever been watching something and thought "What if my parents could see me now?" It happened to me last night…as I was watching…and I kid you not…the COMMENTARY of the MTV series the Wildboyz…for what ended up being about four hours. How cool am I? Say what you will though, it was hilarious. I was never a big fan of Jackass…but I really enjoy the Wildboyz. It's a natural show / anthropological study / frat party / variety show / the most disgusting thing you can show on television. Again, don't judge me.

We had a competition at work yesterday…and it was basically a game show about how to do our job…and we were primed to win and our department knew all the answers…but ultimately lost by a point because I guess our buzzer person wasn't fast enough…but that's not the point of this story. This is what we call the back-story. So Boss Lady S was kind of stunned that we lost…because we're the best. We all know it. They all know it. They just got lucky, thus the magic of March Madness. However, one of the ladies in our department told her as an excuse, "If it were a written test and we could write in the answers with our number twos, then we would've won." I laughed out loud…because I instantly pictured writing down answers…with a number two…like a monkey using brown finger paint. After a few seconds, some of the others started laughing…and then explaining it to the rest. Anyway, that's my story. Just thought I'd share it with ya. Oh…and we definitely would've won with our number twos…but lucky for janitorial, that wasn't the case. We would've surely resorted to flinging.

Pet Monkey Update - Even after that lovely image, everybody wants a monkey for a pet, right? They're so damn cute in those movies…and at the zoo…and even when barreled up or stuffed with plush…and you can teach them to grab you a beer, mow the lawn and everything else children are used for...but there's a downside, a very serious downside…and that is why, there shall be no monkey in my pet owning future. The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee in Connecticut filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million in damages against the primate's owner, saying she was negligent and reckless for lacking the ability to control "a wild animal with violent propensities." Attorneys for Charla Nash, who remains in critical condition, filed the lawsuit against Sandra Herold late Monday in Superior Court in Stamford. The suit also alleges that Herold had given the chimp medication that further upset the animal. Herold has made conflicting public statements about whether she gave Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, to Travis (the chimp) on the day of the attack. The drug had not been prescribed for the animal, police said. Herold knew the 200-pound chimp, Travis, was agitated when she asked Nash to come to her house on February 16th, the lawsuit said. The suit accuses Herold of negligence and recklessness for owning "a wild animal with violent propensities, even though she lacked sufficient skill, strength and/or experience to subdue the chimpanzee when necessary." Their attorney Charles Willinger said, "Our client, Charla Nash, has suffered and will continue to suffer agony and pain beyond our comprehension. This is a tragedy ... that should not have happened." Nash, 55, lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the 12-minute mauling. Many bones in her face were crushed, and the attack may also have left her blind and brain damaged. She is in critical condition at the Cleveland Clinic, which in December performed the first face transplant in the United States. Doctors haven't said if Nash will be a candidate for such a procedure. So yeah…no monkeys. Not so cute now, are they? The only question I really have is…why the hell did this lady have a full-grown chimpanzee if she wasn't trained? Is there some kind of loophole in the pet laws of Connecticut? A big dog is one thing…but big dogs don't use tools and climb trees with the greatest of ease. Truly a tragic story…but $50 million? Really? This Sandra Herold must be LOADED!!!

Pet Parrot Update - I mentioned the other day that I was considering getting a pet…and one of the most intriguing was a parrot that I could teach to make ladies swoon. Well, here in Denver, a parrot whose cries of alarm alerted his owner when a little girl choked on her breakfast has been honored as a hero. Willie, a Quaker parrot (not Quacker), has been given the local Red Cross chapter's Animal Lifesaver Award. In November, Willie's owner, Megan Howard, was baby-sitting for a toddler. Howard left the room and the little girl, Hannah, started to choke on her breakfast (Fruit Loops?). Willie repeatedly yelled "Mama, baby" and flapped his wings, and Howard returned in time to find the girl already turning blue. Howard saved Hannah by performing the Heimlich maneuver but said Willie "is the real hero." Hannah's mother Samantha Kuusk said, "The part where she turned blue is always when my heart drops no matter how many times I've heard it. My heart drops in my stomach and I get all teary eyed." Willie got his award during a "Breakfast of Champions" event Friday attended by Governor Bill Ritter and Mayor John Hickenlooper (yes, that's his real name). So now, I'm thinking of another possibility for a pet parrot. Not just as a smooth-talking, multi-colored bird to impress the ladies…but also as a crime-fighting superhero…and in either case, his name would be…Wingman!!!

Just picture it, a dark moonless night…and a waitress is walking home through the mean streets of Denver. Suddenly, there's the cling of a bottle being kicked against asphalt. "Who's there? I've got mace." She reaches into her purse…but before she can reveal her weapon, SNAG, she's in the grasp of some unsavory character with her mouth covered. "Ah-ah. Calm down, sweetie. Just gimme the purse." She struggles helplessly as this guy is double her size and thrice her smell (it was a double shift). Suddenly, out of the night, they hear a shrill voice ringing in the brisk night air, like a megaphone, "Let her go. You're completely surrounded." The mugger glances around and sees no one, "Who's there? I ugh…I've got mace." Still nothing in sight. "(Whistle) Over here, jackass!" Still nothing can be seen. "There ain't no cops." Trash cans tip over down the alley. "Show yourself!!!" Still nothing. "Agh, reach for the sky…or I'll open fire. (Whistle)" "Is that a f**king parrot?" WHAM!!! He's judo chopped from behind by a tall, dashing gentleman with a nine o'clock shadow wearing a Mardi Gras mask. "Nah, mother lover. That's my Wingman." With a gesture of his hand, a green & blue parrot lands on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" The lady is stunned at what just happened, "Yeah, I think so…just a little woozy. Who are you?" "Just a man who doesn't want to see anybody hurt, ma'am." "You have a beautiful bird." "Raagh, your smile is like sunshine." She giggles at the unexpected squawk, "What's his name?" "Mookie." "Mookie?" "Don't look at me, his parents are the one that picked it…and he's absolutely right about your smile." From there, I offer to walk her back to her place a few blocks away, she invites us up for coffee and birdseed, "time passes", and she wakes up the next morning with a story to tell and a lovely letter from her mysterious superhero superlover…and I have to listen to the damn bird say "Oh God, that's the spot! Keep the mask on. (Whistle)" for the next few weeks. Somehow it never gets old though. So that's one possibility for a pet. Oh…and as for my superhero outfit, it's much easier to be inconspicuous in a Mardi Gras mask…than in an all neon green spandex suit like the other possible outfit…so there you go. No Green Man on this adventure…or Chewbacca.

Everybody Gets One - Speaking of superheroes, a Thai fireman turned superhero when he dressed up as comic-book character Spider-Man to coax a frightened eight-year-old from a balcony. Teachers at a special needs school in Bangkok alerted authorities on Monday when an autistic pupil, scared of attending his first day at school, sat out on the third-floor ledge and refused to come inside, a police sergeant told AFP. Despite teachers' efforts to beckon the boy inside, he refused to budge until his mother mentioned her son's love of superheroes, prompting fireman Sonchai Yoosabai to take a novel approach to the problem. The rescuer dashed back to his fire station and made a quick change into a Spider-Man costume (that he conveniently had in his locker at work?) before returning to the boy. "I told him Spider-Man is here to rescue you, no monsters are going to attack you and I told him to walk slowly towards me as running could be dangerous," Somchai told local television. The young boy immediately stood up and walked into his rescuer's arms, police said. Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills. What kind of luck is that? He just happened to have a Spider-Man outfit and helped save an autistic child. Again, stem cells. Let's find a way to help these autistic kids so we don't have to rely on luck like this. Super cool story from the land of Muay Thai, Curry and Tony Jaa.

$teve in Space - Well, it's official. NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Fellow $teve, former Presidential candidate and comedian Stephen Colbert won. The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year. NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report," to write in his name…and they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday. NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration." We shall see if NASA has the balls to go through with it…but I think they will. Why? Because it's great publicity for them…and there's the segment on his show "Who's Honoring Me Now?" where he'll plug those who are stroking his ego…and there's constant updates on things named after him…even what may turn out to be the room used for the crapper in a space station. Congratulations Mr. Colbert!!! You're going to space.

Crazy Pastor of the Week - A Wisconsin pastor and parishioner have been cited by police for shooting an arrow during a church service. The pastor asked to have the arrow shot across the front of the church during a recent service at Pentecostals of Sheboygan County as a 'teaching tool' (Damn, I thought discipline at Catholic schools was harsh). As the parishioner prepared to shoot the arrow with his bow, one man (we'll call him…Killjoy) stood up and objected, telling the pastor it was unsafe and illegal. Parishioners said the pastor told the man to be quiet and sit down…and offered him a cup of shut the f**k up (not true…because the church frowns upon such language). When Killjoy objected a second time, the pastor asked him to leave. He did and called police. The parishioner was cited for using a missile indoors and the pastor was cited for aiding and abetting. Both were fined $109. Now, that's great and all…but I'm just curious what the lesson was that required a teaching tool like an arrow being shot in a church…possibly in the general direction of a statue of the Virgin Mary? "You must follow the path, straight and narrow…like the path of an arrow. Brother Johnson, will you kindly show them the way?" A man in the front row stands up with a bow and quiver. "Ugh…excuse me, Pastor? What's going on here?" "Brother Johnson and I are gonna teach y'all a lesson…by firing this arrow, straight & narrow, towards the center of the crucifix?" There's a rustle amongst the crowd as wagers are already being made with regards to the accuracy. "What does that have to do with anything? Shouldn't we focus more on how to live on the righteous path rather than some silly metaphor?" Someone in the crowd yells back, "Shut up Rogers, I've got ten bucks saying he pulls it right and the arrow hits the painting behind it." "Brother Rogers, please leave." "Sure thing. I'm not gonna be here for this." Sometimes metaphors can be dangerous…especially in church…with projectile weaponry.

Well, that'll do it for this evening. As mentioned before, Hot Yoga tonight, probably followed by some more Wildboyz (I do have all four seasons mind you). Tomorrow is when there's supposed to be "the storm of the year" bringing something like 7-8 inches of snow to the Denver Metro area…and allegedly 8-20 feet in the mountains or something like that…but we'll see. I have yet to see more than an inch or so in one dusting of the area…and that's just enough to make everything slick. Be careful out there, ladies & gentlemen. Have a great day everybody!!!

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has gone on personally. I went to the gym, played some ball, lifted some weights, did a Spinning class, lifted more weights, went home, watched Family Guy Volume 6, cooked up a turkey burger, pretty average stuff. There is one thing that I'm starting to like about the gym. In most of the classes, I tend to notice being surrounded by lovely ladies. Sure the odds are pretty good in a place like that…but for example last night, I usually pick a bike in a back corner somewhere because I'm a tall gentleman…and I don't want to block anybody's view of the instructor...and I don't think that anybody wants to see or smell me sweat. Besides, if I say, accidentally sit on a testicle or something, then I don't want anybody to see me cry. Anyway, I set up and the class is starting…and there's like three people in it for twenty or so bikes (the official term may be spin machines or something…but they're bikes). So then in walks this gorgeous blonde ("Dear Penthouse Forum,") and she glances around…and takes the bike directly in front of me…and does the whole stretching, setup of the bike, etc, occasionally glancing back at me…and I'm just kind of staring off into space using the peripherals…and practicing my breathing, you know, all the stuff I should be doing…not staring her down or anything…because there's the whole hour-long class to do that. Anyway, if it were a one-time thing, I'd pass it off as much…but it's every time that I'm in the Spinning class…or a Yoga class…or a Pilates class…and it's different ladies each time too (Believe me, if there was some consistency or conversation to it, I might make a move). Just a passing thought that I had the past few times. What of it, ladies? In a co-ed workout environment, do you scope out the joint and if you don't know anybody do you set up next to the hottest guy in the place? Or is it the least threatening? The guy you just want to torture with your perfectly-chiseled hindquarters? Or is it just my random good luck? Maybe some Karma coming back around? What's you input into the matter? Now for some news...

Barbie's Malibu Dream House - On the eve of Barbie's 50th birthday, interior decorator Jonathan Adler has decked out a real-life 3,500-square-foot pad overlooking the Pacific Ocean to look like the blonde doll's outrageous home. Adler, who was commissioned by toy maker Mattel Inc. to decorate the house for Monday's party, said outfitting the sleek mansion (a property that's frequently rented for film and photography shoots) took six months of planning and a few weeks to install. "Barbie was a dream client because she doesn't exist as a person. She exists as fantasy and is the perfect client because she's always happy and fun and loves everything. I thought to myself, 'How would Barbie live?' What I thought was Barbie would have a house that is glamorous, kittenish, chic, colorful and happy — as well as functional." Adler lined Barbie's bedroom with wall-to-wall pink carpeting emblazoned with her initial. The closet is filled with 50 pairs of pink peep-toe heels while her kitchen is stocked with cupcake-making ingredients. An in-house museum features 25 vintage Barbie dolls on display. In the garage? A pink Volkswagen New Beetle with a motorized pop-up vanity in the trunk. (Hold on, it's gets creepier) "I think this really is Barbie's Malibu Dream House because the setting is so incredibly dreamy and ethereal. We're perched on a cliff in Malibu overlooking the ocean. It's a fantasyland for anyone. It was difficult to find the house to celebrate Barbie's 50th birthday because it had to be the ultimate Malibu house, and I think we found it." Decorating Barbie's real-world dream home, which will be the site Monday of a star-studded soiree celebrating the doll's birthday, was a dream for Adler, the potter and decorator who has served as head judge on Bravo's "Top Design." He said Mattel gave him access to the company's archives, including a look at all of Barbie's various dream homes over the years. (Okay, here's where it got creepy for me) Following the festivities, most of Barbie's custom decor will be shipped to the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas to furnish a special pink-tinted Barbie Suite that will be available for bachelorette parties, birthdays or anyone who wants to live like Barbie. Other items will be available from the "Jonathan Adler Loves Barbie" collection launching in September. Adler's favorite furnishings are hanging in the living room: an original Andy Warhol portrait of Barbie valued at over $200,000 and a chandelier that's made up of over 30 blonde wigs and took more than 60 hours to craft. Adler also admires a one-of-a-kind black-and-white wall mirror created with 64 dolls. Yeah, not just a remodeled home on the beach in Malibu…but a Bachelorette Suite in Vegas…and a collection being launched in September…and most disturbingly to me, a chandelier made of wigs. I don't care if it's made out of Elvis pompadour wigs, that's just f**king creepy. I can imagine a setup at the Palms though, where they'd even have little blonde Barbies walking around from the Playboy Club…and they may even be included with Bachelor Parties packages. No need to thank me for the idea, just invite me down for a weekend and I'll be happy to share some of my other ideas with ya. I mean…just pay it forward…preferably in plane tickets, stays and lap dances and I'll be happy to blog about it for you. Damn, that's such a good idea I think I've found a way to spend my tax refund…like I was planning on doing anyway…in Vegas.

Martha Stewart Update - Martha Stewart's chow puppy was one of 17 dogs killed in an accidental propane explosion at an eastern Pennsylvania kennel. The domestic maven wrote on her blog that she was "deeply saddened" by the death of her dog, Ghengis Khan, in Friday's blast at Pazzazz Pet Boarding, a kennel in the Pocono Mountains that breeds and trains show dogs. Fifteen dogs were killed in the explosion, and two more died over the weekend (chocolate bar left in the open). The kennel was getting a propane delivery when the tank ignited, setting the pens on fire and injuring the driver, Timothy Kleinhagen. Though badly burned, Kleinhagen managed to toss a cairn terrier over the kennel fence to safety. He was listed in critical condition Monday at Lehigh Valley Hospital. "That man is a hero," said the kennel's co-owner, Karen Tracy. "My heart goes out to his family." Genghis Khan was a grandson of Stewart's previous chow, Paw Paw, which died last April at age 12. Stewart announced on her blog in December that she was adopting Genghis Khan, then 7 weeks old, calling him "very cute and square." She said she expected him to be "conquering his new territory in my home soon, with great charm and prowess. I'm also confident that Sharkey and Francesca (Stewart's French bulldogs) will be enamored with him." Stewart also sent condolences to Tracy. Many of the dead dogs belonged to Tracy and her mother. Officials have said a spark or static electricity may have started the blaze…but as usual, I have my suspicions. This may go back to Martha's prison days…and this may be some kind of retribution for an offense. I have a cousin who was in the pen with her (I have a LOT of cousins) and apparently there was some really shady stuff going down. All I'm saying is…a massive explosion…at a kennel…in the Poconos…sounds a little suspicious to me. Even the name, Timothy Kleinhagen ("Timmy Little Hedge") sounds made up…but I digress. The more important thing is a speed recovery for all those injured…and my condolences to all those who lost puppies in the blast. By the way, did you know that Martha Stewart had a dog named Genghis Khan? That's gangsta!!! I just picture her in the kitchen making some little mini-quisches…and noticing a little freshly baked brownie on the floor…and then after realizing that it's a gift from Genghis, yelling out "KAAAAAAAAAHN!!!" Shatner would be proud.

Washing Machine: Appliance & Liberator - Feminists of the world, please sit down before you read this. The Vatican newspaper says that perhaps the washing machine did more to liberate women in the 20th century than the pill or the right to work. The submission was made in a lengthy article titled "The Washing Machine and the Liberation of Women - Put in the Detergent, Close the Lid and Relax." (They should really trim that down to my title for this news clip) The article was printed over the weekend in l'Osservatore Romano, the semi-official (for obvious legal reasons) Vatican newspaper, to mark international Women's Day this Sunday. Oh, you forgot? Don't worry, you've got a few days to get her a present. "What in the 20th century did more to liberate Western women?," asks the article, which was oddly enough written by a woman. "The debate is heated. Some say the pill, some say abortion rights and some the right to work outside the home. Some, however, dare to go further: the washing machine." It then goes on to talk about the history of washing machines, starting with a rudimentary model in 1767 in Germany and ending up with today's trendy launderettes (sounds sexy if you say it like "lingerie") where a woman can have a cappuccino with friends while the tumbler turns. What do you ladies think? What was more liberating in your lifetime? The Pill? The Right to Vote (for you more experienced ladies out there)? Women's Rights? The Washing Machine? The Dishwasher? The Daytime Soap Opera? Oprah? Divorce? I'm actually just kind of flabbergasted that this was in a Vatican newspaper (semi-official) but it's a fresh perspective, I guess. Though it's kind of like the church saying what's been most liberating for men…and answering TV dinners…or maybe zippers. "AH, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!!!"

Honoring the Ladies - Speaking of women's rights, a well-known prostitute who campaigned for the rights and dignity of sex workers was given an honored place of rest on Monday, in the same cemetery where Protestantism's John Calvin is buried, and some women activists criticized the decision. Griselidis Real, who died in 2005, was buried in the presence of 200 people at the Cemetery of the Kings, which is reserved for individuals that have profoundly marked Swiss or international history. Argentinian writer Jose Luis Borges and child psychologist Jean Piaget are among the luminaries interred there. The body of Real, who was 76 when she died only 10 years after she is said to have given up prostitution (just don't think too much about it) was exhumed from another cemetery in Geneva for the ceremony that some (particularly women) have called offensive. "If every woman that had children to raise alone turned to prostitution, the city of Geneva would be a bordello," said Amelia Christinat, a feminist and former member of the Swiss parliament who opposed Real's reburial. (Sounds like there's a lot of deadbeat dads in that neutral country) Jacqueline Berenstein-Wavre, the first woman to head Geneva's parliament, also objected. "No woman should rejoice at this transfer, which is nothing but the elevation of a prostitute and of prostitution in general by its male protectors," she told the daily Tribune de Geneve, which noted the scarcity of women buried in the honored ground, less than a quarter of the 350 graves. Prostitution is generally legal in Switzerland, with red light districts in some cities…but Real worked for years to improve working conditions. She helped found Aspasie, an association which describes itself as promoting solidarity with sex workers (funny, I describe myself the same way). Aspasie says she compiled a massive collection of newspaper clippings, films and other documentation about prostitution over 30 years and that her four children donated the database to the association on her death. Geneva's Protestant Church has been reserved in its criticism about the reburial, even though the former fighter for prostitutes' rights now rests near one of the central figures in the history of Christianity. The city once known as the "Protestant Rome" is honoring Calvin's 500th birthday this year with publications, exhibitions and performances. The celebrations, however, have been somewhat muted, perhaps in deference to the 16th-century theologian's stern views on life and excess. Real was born in 1929 in Lausanne. A divorced mother of four children, she began working as a prostitute in Germany in the 1960s and later moved to Geneva, becoming a leading campaigner for prostitutes' rights. In her autobiographical books "Black is a color" and "Dance card of a courtesan" she denounced the hypocrisy of a society that condemns prostitutes while using their services. Patrice Mugny, a local politician who championed the transfer, said the city was "in no case apologizing for prostitution, but honoring an individual who distinguished herself by battling for human dignity. This shows that human dignity is not a question of social status, that it is not limited by moral prescriptions," he said at the ceremony. Ruth Morgan Thomas, a leading European campaigner for prostitutes, said the burial was an important recognition for sex workers "who demand simply to be treated without discrimination and valued as an integral part of society." THAT'S RIGHT!!! These prostitutes have been getting screwed for years…and though that may be the point in some instances, they deserve their dignity. I say let her lie with John Calvin. I'm sure that he wouldn't mind. Sure, she was allegedly offering her services at the age of 66…but he's turning 500 this year. He probably looks like Yoda…and could use a good halb-und-halb from a sexy Fraulein.

Klondike Bars - What would you do for a Klondike Bar? I know that some of you (including me) are actually a bit ashamed what you would do for one. Would you do some embarrassing trick like…act like a seal? (Honestly, I would anyway…and the Wingmans can confirm) Would you lie? Would you cheat? Would you steal? Well, at least one person would do that last one. Authorities in Fort Pierce, Florida said a man shoved an ice cream bar down his pants and then offered a Texaco station store owner $69 not to turn him in for shoplifting. The owner told police that a 65-year-old man tried to sneak the Klondike bar, along with packages of Ramen noodles and Famous Amos cookies, out of the store without paying Tuesday night. When the store owner confronted the man as he tried the leave the store, the owner reported that the man pulled the flattened ice cream snack out of his back pocket and offered the owner $69 for it (I ugh…would consider his offer). The owner called police, and the man was charged with retail theft and violation of probation charges. He was being held on $500 bail. I had no idea there was such a heat wave in Florida that the elderly were sticking ice cream bars down their pants. It's only March. I mean…was he really planning on eating it later? After being down his pants for a few minutes? Now, I have an immaculate groin…and I wouldn't eat an ice cream bar that came from there (ten second rule still applies though). Besides, it'd be all melty. Mmm, but now that I think about it, I can imagine eating a Klondike bar from somebody else's pants…somebody sexy. After being warmed by those steamin' hot thighs…getting her all messy with milky, chocolaty goodness. Yeah, a little Klondike foreplay. "What would you do for a Klondike bar, $teve?" "Whatchu want me to do, girl? Oh, it looks like you spilled a little, let me clean that up for ya." Yeah, this is my mind. Twenty-four hours a day. You know it's true. You've read some of my dreams. Damn it! Now I want a Klondike bar. Luckily, I always have a few in the freezer…usually the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup variety…ladies.

Double damn it!!! Now I've got myself all hot and bothered…and it started with a story about a 66-year old man shoving a dessert down his pants. Oh well, bowling tonight so I'm super excited about that. Should be a swanky fun time…and a benefit for the kids too. Have a great day everybody!!!

Ripped Like Jesus

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

A record heat wave has hit Denver…making it quite pleasant with temperatures in the mid-70's when normally this is the snowiest month of the year (knock on wood). SO TAKE THAT, LILIE!!! We don't need your stinkin' beaches. Okay, that's a lie. I still plan on visiting in a month…and going to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm and everywhere else. Let's see, what else? Taking care of my taxes later today. I may have spoken a little too early on the whole brother's divorce thing, apparently it's not official…and there was been some interest expressed in working it out by both parties involved. I'm telling you, these two are just insanely hormonal or something. I swear I could track major events & breakups in their relationship for the last…God, over three-and-a-half years now…and I'm pretty sure that I'd find patterns of four weeks for mild eruptions and six months for cataclysmic meltdowns. Maybe it has something to do with the lunar pull…and with the Equinox coming in a few weeks, it's starting to mellow out…but watch out for the Solstice in June. I don't know. I wish them the best in whatever they decide. Obviously I care for both of them…but I understand that some people just don't click together. I really think they do…but what do I know about this stuff? I mean…how long has it been? AH! Change the subject.

Ugh…yesterday, I played some two-on-two basketball for about an hour and then followed it up with an hour-long Spinning class and then some weights. I'm really starting to get my athletic form back when combined with a healthier diet (not Taco Bell & Carl's Jr every other day). I'm not exactly eating raw veggies & tofu or anything…but more homemade stuff and leaner food…and cutting out soda entirely for the past week or so…and who knows, maybe for good. Okay, probably not that…but definitely cutting down on it even more than I have. Luckily, I'm a big fan of juice. If I were really ambitious, I'd say that I'm cutting out alcohol…but that's not going to happen. I just drink for social occasions (P.S. Less than two weeks until St Patty's Day) and even then, moderation. It's just been a long time since I've felt really healthy & was playing basketball every day…and I'm starting to get there again. It's pretty cool. Anyway, here's some news...

No Texting for Lent - Still no soda thus far…but I'm not sure if I could do this one. The bishop of Modena in northern Italy told Catholic youth to give up a popular practice during the holy season of Lent: no text messaging on their mobile phones on Fridays. (Well, maybe if it's just Fridays) No texting will allow young people to "detox from the virtual world and get back in touch with themselves," Monsignor Benito Cocchi was quoted as saying by La Repubblica on Tuesday. Italy ranks second in Europe after Britain for the number of text messages (50 per month on average) by users of the "telefonino" -- Italian for mobile phone. Other bishops picked up Cocchi's message and urged youth in their dioceses of Bari in the south and Pesaro in central Italy to also stop texting on Fridays. More advice on curbing overconsumption during Lent came from Trentino in the northeast where the Catholic faithful were asked to give up driving their cars on Sundays and in Venice to drink water from the tap, instead of from bottles, to help the environment. April 12th is Easter, marking the end of Lent. Oddly enough, the day I'll be getting back from California. Should be a fairly easy task…but don't worry everybody. I'll still be texting…even on Fridays. For example, yesterday, between text conversations with JL Clyde, Filly & Lilie, I texted approximately 60 messages and received just as many. And no, I don't twitter. I only update my status on Facebook every week or so. By the way, is anybody else all of a sudden craving gelato after reading this story?

Kitty Bong - An Omaha man who tried to cool out his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong faces cruelty charges...and catcalls from animal lovers. Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed. Sgt. Andy Stebbing said, "This cat was just dazed. She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society." Schomaker told deputies 6-month-old Shadow was hyper and he was trying to calm her down. The contraption she had been stuffed inside was 12 inches by 6 inches (yes, that's an actual picture of it). Shadow was timid but in good condition Monday at the Capital Humane Society, executive director Bob Downey (not Robert Downey) said. Schomaker, who was released from jail after paying a $400 fine on the arrest warrant, faces drug and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. Having worked with people from Omaha for many years, this doesn't surprise me (glad you escaped Jewels) but still, this is just a messed-up story. Then again, I'm sure that somebody out there read this story and said, "So wait, if we make the hot box smaller…then we'll be super chill. Smokey, get me some duct tape, a fish tank, some funjuns and a snorkel. I've got an idea." That's what we call a MacGyver smoker. Oh yeah…and Mr. Schomaker should be neutered so that he can't reproduce. It's justice in my opinion.

Panda Update - A Thai zoo has again resorted to artificial insemination of its giant pandas after pornography, low-carb diets and even a spell out in the cold failed to inspire the celibate pair. Chiang Mai zoo's star residents, nine-year-old Chuang Chuang and his eight-year-old partner Lin Hui, have showed no interest in reproducing the traditional way since they arrived on a 10-year loan from China in 2003. But determined zoo officials, despite failing in a previous attempt at sperm donation two years ago, said they were hopeful a second try could finally produce a cub. "The artificial insemination was successfully conducted on February 18 at 1:30 pm, which was the most suitable time for successful reproduction," Sophon Dumnui, the head of the team behind the attempt, said in a statement. The zoo must now wait up to three months to find out if the method has worked. Hopes were first raised among zoo officials this year when cold weather in the northern city in January prompted an unusually frisky response from Lin Hui. Authorities took the pair out of their usual climate-controlled environment in the hope that the chilly climes would provoke a steamy response during the pandas' mating season. Lin Hui was first artificially inseminated with semen from her companion in April 2007, but it didn't take. The previous year Chuang Chuang, who had been deemed too heavy to mate with Lin Hui, lost seven kilograms (15 pounds) on a low-carbohydrate diet, and was then shown 15-minute video clips of successful panda couplings…but the panda porn (which I still firmly believe I am responsible for) did little to inspire. Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals. Maybe Chuang Chuang's having a problem with the pressure of an entire species resting on his…shoulders? Hmm, maybe they should change their names…like we talked about yesterday with the vegetables and lazy eyes. Maybe if they were named Schwing Schwing & Lin Ho or something drastic like Lo Dong & Mei So Ho Ni or something, it's just crazy enough to work. No need to thank me (like you forgot to do with the panda porn thing), just pay it forward…and make some panda babies. Have you tried playing some Barry White or Marvin Gaye? I've heard that Asian stuff with sitars and whatever…and it's not quite the same ambience. All I'm saying is…offer me a job in China (or even the San Diego Zoo or any with pandas occupying them) and I will at LEAST double your panda population within five years. If there's one thing I can do…it's set the mood for babymaking of any species. I'm on Monster.com so let me know when I can start. I'm not cheap…but I'm effective.

That concludes today's episode. Join us next time when I ramble on about this & that, throw in a poop joke or two and entertain myself…and hopefully others. Fingers crossed for a big tax return. I could sure use that cash right about now…especially with the trip to Cali in (drum roll) four weeks. Can't wait to get some of that Cali sun. Oh wait, I've got the sun right here…because it's 70 right now. Maybe I just need to get out of work before sunset. Hopefully this'll carry over into the weekend so I can have some fun running around the park or flying a kite or something. Don't judge me. Flying a kite is fun…and I know you're super jealous…because there's ALWAYS a steady wind here in the Mile High City. Have a great day everybody!!! Go fly a kite if you can!!!

Don't Lose Your Dinosaur

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Movie Night involved the bloody, fictitiously action-packed "Wanted" followed by the latest from Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly "Step Brothers" which was a lot of fun. That Step Brothers movie you really have to watch a few times to get all of the funny lines because while you're laughing hysterically from one, they'll hit you subtly with another…and the T-shirts are awesome. Boss Lady K & I had a great time. Also, a bunch of the ladies in the office are going to Forza now. They signed up yesterday after asking me how I liked it and stuff…and then forming some kind of alliance to motivate each other to go. I should probably get commission from the gym…but it's okay. The eye candy is all the reward that I need. Tomorrow morning I'll be picking up JL Clyde from the airport and we have a weekend full of activities planned so it may be a few days before I got back with pictures and rambles. I know you're heartbroken…but just have patience. In the meantime, here's some more news...

Pythons in the Lam - It's pretty difficult for a 23-foot, 130-pound python to hide. The orange reticulated python, the world's longest snake species, as well as a second python, measuring 13 feet, escaped from a terrarium in their owner's home in San Luis Obispo on Sunday night. Police warned residents that the snakes were large enough to make meals of young children or pets (and I'm sure a few parents said "Okay kids, no more video games. Time to play outside.") but both had been captured by Monday afternoon. The 23-footer was found basking in the sun in a backyard several blocks away. The smaller python was spotted under the owner's porch. No injuries were reported…and as of yet, no children or pets have been found in their bowel movements. Police said the snakes' owner will not be cited. "There is no leash law for snakes," said police Sgt. Kurt Hixenbaugh. Yeah, those snakes always find their way out of those leashes anyway. I have fond memories of going to Hogle Zoo (quite possibly the worst zoo ever) as a kid (and teenager and adult and for business meetings) and seeing the reticulated python that they have there. The only thing is…it never seemed to move. Each and every time that I visited…it was in the same position…at the corner of the exhibit…and even as a kid, I thought "Wow, that thing could swallow me whole…if it ever decided to wake up." Now, an orange one…that would be something to see. Think that a 23-foot orange snake sounds scary (or like a pair of flashy boots)? It could be worse (or better)...

Anaconda Prequel - Never mind the 40-foot snake that menaced J-Lo, Ice Cube & Angelina's dad in the 1997 movie "Anaconda." Not even Hollywood could match a new discovery from the ancient world. Fossils from northeastern Colombia reveal the biggest snake ever discovered: a behemoth that stretched 42 to 45 feet long, reaching more than 2,500 pounds. "This thing weighs more than a bison and is longer than a city bus," enthused snake expert Jack Conrad of the American Museum of Natural History in New York, who was familiar with the find. "It could easily eat something the size of a cow. A human would just be toast immediately. If it tried to enter my office to eat me, it would have a hard time squeezing through the door." Actually, the beast probably munched on ancient relatives of crocodiles in its rainforest home some 58 million to 60 million years ago, he said. The discoverers of the snake named it Titanoboa cerrejonensis ("ty-TAN-o-BO-ah sare-ah-HONE-en-siss"). That means "Titanic boa from Cerrejon," the region where it was found. While related to modern boa constrictors, it behaved more like an anaconda and spent almost all its time in the water, Head said. It could slither on land as well as swim. Conrad, who wasn't involved in the discovery, called the find "just unbelievable.... It mocks your preconceptions about how big a snake can get." Titanoboa breaks the record for snake length by about 11 feet, surpassing a creature that lived about 40 million years ago in Egypt. Among living snake species, the record holder is an individual python measured at about 30 feet long, which is some 12 to 15 feet shorter than typical Titanoboas, said study co-author Jonathan Bloch. Bones collected at a huge open-pit coal mine in Colombia were being unpacked at the University of Florida (GO GATORS!!!) and graduate students unwrapping the fossils "realized they were looking at the bones of a snake. Not only a snake, but a really big snake." So they quickly consulted the skeleton of a 17-foot anaconda for comparison. A backbone from that creature is about the size of a silver dollar...while Bloch said a backbone from Titanoboa is "the size of a large Florida grapefruit." So far the scientists have found about 180 fossils of backbone and ribs that came from about two dozen individual snakes, and now they hope to go back to Colombia to find parts of the skull, Bloch said. Titanoboa's size gives clues about its environment. A snake's size is related to how warm its environment is. The fossils suggest equatorial temperatures in its day were significantly warmer than they are now, during a time when the world as a whole was warmer. So equatorial temperatures apparently rose along with the global levels, in contrast to the competing hypothesis that they would not go up much, Head noted. "It's a leap" to apply the conditions of the past to modern climate change. But given that, the finding still has "some potentially scary implications for what we're doing to the climate today," he said. The finding suggest the equatorial regions will warm up along with the planet, he said. "We won't have giant snakes, however, because we are removing most of their habitats by development and deforestation" in equatorial regions. Thank God!!! Let's be sure to keep it that way. Then again, I think Barry White may have said it best, "There's nothing like the sexy slither of a lady snake. Ooooh baby..."

Angelina Update - Speaking of Jon Voight's daughter (HOW???) and tropical climates, Angelina Jolie has called on Thailand's government to give more freedom to tens of thousands of Burmese refugees it has kept locked inside camps for up to 20 years. The Academy Award-winning actress and goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Refugee Agency visited Thailand's Ban Mai Nai Soi refugee center Wednesday. "I was saddened to meet a 21-year-old woman who was born in a refugee camp, who has never even been out of the camp and is now raising her own child in a camp." She asked Thai authorities to give around 110,000 refugees in northern Thailand greater freedom to move around and seek higher education, because they are unlikely to be welcomed back anytime soon to Myanmar, also known as Burma. Myanmar's military junta has been accused of gross atrocities against ethnic minorities, forcing thousands to flee to neighboring countries. Jolie sat down in a two-room house on stilts and talked with a female refugee. She then met orphans at a boarding school and heard from teenage girls worried that they might be sent back to Myanmar. "I hope we can work with the Thai authorities to speed up the government admissions process and that you will not be forced to go back to Burma if danger remains," Jolie said. UNHCR says Thailand has yet to give refugee status to 5,000 Burmese that fled to Thailand in 2006-2007, when there was significant fighting across the border in Myanmar's Kayah state. Her visit comes amid an uptick in the arrival of migrants from Myanmar, who often travel on rickety vessels to escape violence or harm. You've all seen the documentaries, right? Maybe the new Rambo? That whole region of Myanmar, Cambodia, Thailand is in political turmoil…and it seems it's only going to get worse. Kudos to stars like Angelina (and to a lesser extent Stallone) who go over there and try to make a difference. It's very admirable…and really really hot. I mean...if anybody can motivate them, it's this goddess. To further my point…

Ashley Judd Update - An animal rights group is getting help from superhot actress Ashley Judd in its campaign to try to stop Alaska's practice of killing wolves and bears from airplanes. Judd appears in a new Internet video for Defenders of Wildlife, and targets not only the state's predator control program but also one of the program's chief supporters, Governor Sarah Palin. "It's time to stop Sarah Palin (ugh…done?) and stop this senseless savagery," Judd says in the video posted on a Web site operated by the political arm of the group (the other arm is for actually doing stuff), the Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund. Palin, the former Republican vice presidential candidate, countered that the program is scientifically based and an important tool to sustain moose and caribou populations for Alaska subsistence hunters. In Alaska, private citizens are permitted to shoot wolves from the air or conduct land-and-shoot hunting of wolves in rural areas. Defenders of Wildlife says more than 800 wolves have been killed since the program began almost five years ago. Along with Judd's videotaped segment, the animal rights group asks for donations to help end the predator control program, possibly through federal legislation. Palin said it was "reprehensible and hypocritical" that the group would use the state and her administration as a fundraising tool. It's not the first time Defenders of Wildlife has targeted Palin. Last fall, when Palin was John McCain's running mate, it ran ads in several states denouncing Palin and the predator control program, and raised more than $1 million. Judd had obviously campaigned for President Barack Obama. Now, I'm not an activist for animals by any means (I think they're delicious and fashionable) but I'm also not a big fan of hunting from airplanes or helicopters or hovercraft or like that. (Don't worry fishermen, boats are okay) I have to side with the actress hottie & the hippie chicks on this one. Here's my solution. I think that if you're going to hunt wolves or bears or caribou or whatever…that you should have to do it the old fashioned way. On the ground level (trees are allowed…while they're still around) and using weapons that YOU made yourself. I'm not talking about a rifle that you bought either. I'm talking about a bow & arrow made from a branch and horse hair, an axe made with a good piece of birch and a sharpened rock, or the ultimate test of manhood…your bare hands. That's my proposal…and the punishment, anybody found hunting from a plane or using automatic weapons or anything like that will be HUNTED themselves. Keep up the good work, Ms Judd. Oh wait, you're still married, aren't you?

Candy Land Movie - Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder," "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa") will write and Kevin Lima ("Enchanted") will direct a live-action feature based on the Hasbro board game "Candy Land" for Universal Pictures reports Variety. The racing game is among the first board games played by children because it requires no ability to read and only minimal counting skills. This marks the first film to emerge from the deal the studio made last February with Hasbro whose properties include Transformers and G.I. Joe. Remember the ridiculous list of movies that I thought would be made with this deal? Well, apparently this is step one…and it's only a matter of time before my epic masterpiece of "Jenga" hits the screen…starring Sylvester Stallone & Gary Oldman. I still think the last one-liner in my finale is just about the greatest ever…but I'm biased. It never ceases to bring a smile to my face when I say it out loud. Anyway, I'll ugh…keep you posted on who they cast for this Candy Land movie in the meantime with such key roles as King Kandy (the role that the late great John Candy was BORN to play…but will probably be John Goodman), Queen Frostine, Princess Lolly, the villain Lord Licorice (Tim Curry), the Candy Cane guy (I forget his name), Gramma Nutt (tehehehe) and my personal favorite, Gloppy the Molasses Monster.

Well, I'll leave you all on that sweet note before the weekend. Tonight the only class at the gym is another Yoga class…but I'll still go to it. No idea if I'll get around to it while I have a visitor. I'm so easily distracted when that's the case. "I probably should go to the gym and jog for a half-hour at least." "Wanna go get a Coke slurpee and walk around town in the snow?" "You betcha!!!" Also, less than two weeks until Mardi Gras weekend in New Orleans, my fifth time going to that wonderful city on the bayou. Should be a fun, debaucherous time. Also, really considering going to Cali with my mom and aunt and whoever else I can convince to go that first week of April…but it's still in the air. It'd be nice to go to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, the beaches of Orange County and San Diego again…but not sure if I can really afford a week in the sun. It'd also be nice to go check out Lilie's new and now fully-furnished apartment and check out this white sand beach that she keeps yammering on about on her blog…but again, we'll have to see. Oh my, fun times are on their way. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Curry, Klingons & King Lear

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,


Last night, I went to the gym and decided to warm up by lifting a few weights, shooting a few hoops and then decided on Hot Yoga, which is a typical yoga class…but in a room at about 105 degrees. Probably not the best idea to run around and work up a sweat shooting hoops before a class like that…but it was good, sweaty fun…and the eye candy was plentiful. Now, I'm not a veteran of yoga classes so when the instructor says something like "Surya namaskara" or some other Sanskrit name for a pose, I just kind of look around and see what everybody else is doing…and then try to do it myself. It was a good work out…and luckily I'm still at that cute, awkward phase where I imagine the ladies around me are thinking "Oh, look at the cute giraffe trying to do yoga. That happy child pose is just adorable…but he'd better pull his shorts down." Yeah, I was liking it though. The only semi-weird part was towards the end when we were in the cool-down phase…and just relaxing on our backs and told to drain our mind…and I was doing surprisingly well (I think the few gallons of sweat lost might have helped) then I felt somebody's fingers running through my hair…and ladies, if you ever want your guys to be putty in your hands, run your fingers through his hair (it works with most ladies too…but only if they didn't spend an hour getting it to sit right). It ugh…took me back to other times when fingers were ringing through my hair for a few moments…so I had to snap back quick into "Your in the middle of yoga class" mode before problems arose (rim shot). Oh…and the fingers were the instructor's. Apparently she goes around the room and gives little head & neck massages while we're meditating or whatever. Nice class though. I enjoyed it.



After that, I finished reading that book I got for Christmas "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success" by Leil Lowndes. It was a pretty good book. Some of the stuff I already knew…and some of the stuff is a little questionable…but it's helpful in business relationships mostly. A few tips for personal relationships…but nothing that I didn't already know and practice (and still prove ineffective). I would definitely recommend it though. If you (or someone you know) are looking to score a big promotion or build business relationships then this is definitely a good read for you. You can get it on Amazon for like ten bucks too. Just let Amazon know that Dr Love sent you so that I can get some kickback Love. Oh…and my brother still thinks it's a good idea to call me after 1 AM to chit-chat. "Oh, you're sleeping. It's only one." "Yeah, on a Wednesday night. I've got work in the morning." "Wednesday? Oh yeah. My bad. Well, I just wanted to say (twenty minute one-sided conversation about video games ensues as I drift in and out of consciousness)" I love the kid…but yeah. Don't call me for chit-chat that late. I have no problem with you calling and really needing somebody to talk to…or I'm dreaming about you and happen to be expecting your call (it happens a surprising amount) or if it's a straight-up booty call…but if it's just to talk about the Playstation Home and people that you've "met" on there and you know that I'm going to be sleeping, you may just want to wait until the next day. I think that was mentioned as one of the little tricks for big success - Don't f**king call them while they're sleeping. They may have phrased it differently like "Make sure it's convenient for them" or something like that…but the principle's the same. Anyway, here's some more interesting news...



Klingons Attack - Police say a man wielding a "Star Trek Klingon type sword" robbed two Colorado Springs convenience stores early Wednesday morning. The first armed robbery happened at about 1:55 AM at a 7-11 in Colorado Springs. The second robbery happened at about 2:20 AM at yet another 7-11. Witnesses told police a man wearing a black mask, black jacket and blue jeans entered the stores carrying a sword. The armed robber took an undisclosed amount of cash and fled on foot from both stores. Officers searched the area but didn't find the robber or the weapon, which was described as a "Batleth." The Klingons are finally attacking. The end is nigh. Set your phasers to Kill and blast anybody with a butt crack on their forehead and sounds like a garbage disposal when they talk. You have been warned. I guess the financial woes have spread outside of Earth as well.



Even Superheroes Turning to Larceny - Authorities said a man wearing a sleeping bag as a cape and carrying a screwdriver as a weapon tried to rob someone in the parking lot of a Gainesville, Florida business. Police said a 46-year-old man approached the intended victim early Sunday morning and asked for money. When the man refused, police said the man threw off the cape and pulled the screwdriver from his waistband. The other man quickly ran into a store and called 911. The suspect was arrested a few blocks away and charged with attempted armed robbery. He was being held on $20,000 bail. At least the guy had clothes on under the sleeping bag. He may need to work on the superhero identity though. You don't wanna throw back the cape, pull out your weapon of choice and scream "Prepare to be Screwed!!!" That's more of a fiery bedroom thing than a crime fighting thing.



Teacher Donates $2 Million - A penny pinching math teacher who never earned more than $40,000 per year in salary has left $2 million to her Ohio alma mater. Laura Bickimer died in April at age 93 after making plans to leave the bulk of her estate to Baldwin-Wallace College near Cleveland. She graduated from the school in 1936 with a 4.0 average. Bickimer, who never married, retired from teaching in 1972 and lived out her life in a nursing home. Years ago, she wrote in an alumni questionnaire that she preferred washing her clothes in an old-fashioned wringer and tried each day to perform some act of kindness. Bickimer never earned more than $40,000 in annual salary, but inherited wealth from family. The school will name a $50,000 scholarship after her. Okay, when I first read that a teacher donated $2 million, I thought she was dealing on the side…but apparently she's just a nice lady who never married and inherited wealth. What's the moral of the story? Apparently to be wealthy, you either have to inherit it…or keep all the money to yourself. Or maybe she was just a wonderful old-fashioned sweet lady that was kind to everybody she met and Karma came back around a little bit. One of those has to be it. You be the judge.



Pacino as King Lear? - Al Pacino and Michael Radford, who previously teamed on the film adaptation of Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" in 2004, are reteaming for another of the Bard's plays - "King Lear" reports Variety. Pacino, who will play the title role, has played many Shakespearean characters but never Lear - the aging monarch who selects his successor by parsing his kingdom in three parts, ruled by his trio of daughters. Two of them are scheming connivers who flatter their father, while the one loving daughter, Cordelia, refuses to play that game and is exiled. The king ultimately loses everything…and goes crazy (and nobody does crazy quite like Pacino). Radford wrote the script (ugh…really?) while Barry Navidi will produce the film which aims to be very true to the film's original time period (try not to think of Pacino with an English period piece). The likes of Laurence Olivier, Orson Welles and Paul Scofield ("Man for All Seasons" & "Quiz Show") have played the monarch in previous film adaptations. Pic will be produced by Barry Navidi, who teamed with Pacino on "Merchant" as well as the upcoming "Salomaybe?," which Pacino directed and stars in. That film, based on the Oscar Wilde play, is in post-production. Filming will kick off later this year in Europe. So yeah, one of my favorite actors is playing in one of my favorite Shakespearean plays…in a movie. My guess…is that Megan Fox may be able to squeeze a deal in as one of the daughters…even if she can't do a British accent. "Exactly what makes you think that you can even play the part of Regan?" "Well, I'm amazing eye candy…and have you seen my tattoo?"




On that note, I think I'm going to call it a day. Probably no gym tonight because of the Movie Night but it'll be tons of fun. Also, JL Clyde will be here in two days…so that'll be fun too. Then I get to suffer through Single Awareness Week…yet again. Oh well, positive attitude. Who knows? Anything can happen, right? And it all happens for a reason. Have a great day everybody!!!