The End Shall Come With A Hiss

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm in a pretty damn good mood right now. I hate to jinx it...but I just wanted to share it with you all...because I know I've been a little less perky than you're probably accustomed to being religious readers of my blog for the past two years or so. It's just been an odd little situation the past few months were I haven't really known what my future holds more than...a few days in advance...and it's somewhat unsettling. Plus you through in the Jerry Springer drama (minus the midgets) that is my brother's life...and living solo in my apartment...sometimes it just wears on me a bit. Luckily, I have a lot of great friends all over the nation that like to keep tabs on me via text & phone calls...and a wonderful family that I live within an hour's drive if I need to chill with someone...and my job is actually a lot of fun & a great place to grow...and then start over...and grow again. Who knows? Maybe I just need a good make out session & I'll be back on my peak game but in the meantime, I'm doing pretty damn good today. I even had my latest managerial training class and it was pretty awesome. It was about relationships & the way that others see you. Yeah, nothing major...but I may have a budding work relationship with one of the ladies in the class...but I don't wanna get my hopes up...and let's face it, I'm pretty good eye candy. Who wouldn't want to talk to me? Especially if I'm in a suit looking all GQ cover? Anyway, here's the news...

American Wife-Carrying - This honestly should be an Olympic sport by 2020 but I'll leave that up to the politicians at the IOC. A Maine couple has taken the crown in the North American Wife Carrying Championship over a course that featured a muddy water hole and two log obstacles. Dave and Lacey Castro of Lewiston came in first among 41 teams to win Saturday's competition at Sunday River ski resort in Newry. They covered the 278-yard course in 54.45 seconds. For their effort, besides being known as the greatest wife-carrier duo in North America, what else do they win? The couple won 97-pound Lacey Castro's weight in beer and five times her weight in cash or $485. How's that for a prize? Teams from 11 states competed in the 10th annual race in which a man has to carry a woman (or vice versa) over an obstacle course. As the North American champs, the Castros are eligible to compete in the world championships in Finland next July (and this year's were documented on my blog...because I think this is a great competition). Tell me that you wouldn't watch this. Okay, then imagine a Celebrity Wife-Carrying competition. You'd watch that wouldn't ya? Forget that whole dancing with the D-list or whatever, you want to see The Rock see if he can carry his wife through an obstacle course faster than Shawne Merriman can carry Tila Tequila (granted I know they're not married...but I'm just hoping that he drops her along the way. Anybody with me on that?) It'd work. If not on one of the real networks, I'm sure that somebody that works for Fox has been stealing my ideas for years. Make it happen. Today, the Friday night death slot on Fox. Tomorrow, Sweden vs. Estonia in the Olympic relay. Holy crap, that's an even better idea. Wives being passed like batons between burly Eastern Europeans...and maybe a Samoan underdog. This could revolutionize co-ed sports. Patent pending.

Ninja Update - Police in Vernon, Connecticut said they arrested a man who was dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks while yelling about wanting to beat up U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman (we've all been there). The man, 30, was charged Sunday with breach of peace. Police said he was brought to Rockville General Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and later released. Authorities said they received several emergency calls about the man, who witnesses say was standing at the corner of Route 83 and Regan Road at about 11 a.m. Officers said they pulled out bean bag and taser guns, and the man became polite and cooperative. The man couldn't be reached Monday. He has no public phone listing, and it's not clear whether he has a lawyer...or a master of some sort. Obviously nothing major about this story. It just mentioned ninjas and it's a little too early to be Halloween related...so I shared. Ninja vanish!!! (Poof of smoke)

Apocalypse Update - Leave it to the United States government to be about a year behind in their research & still not really doing anything about it other than a general warning. According to recent reports, there are five species of foreign snakes just waiting to eat you. More troublingly, according to a U.S. Geological Survey report released Tuesday, nonnative snakes like the Burmese python could slither their way north from the warm, humid conditions of South Florida. The big snakes threaten native species and ecosystems because they mature and reproduce quickly, travel long distances and can eat almost anything in fur, feathers or scales, experts say. The 302-page report could be a step toward a ban on importing constrictor-like snakes into the U.S., said Ken Warren, spokesman for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's South Florida office. The FWC will now evaluate the report and seek public comment before recommending such a ban. "In many aspects, the report confirms what we already knew: that these snakes are a problem and that they do pose some risk," Warren said. The report analyzed nine kinds of snakes. Five — Burmese pythons, northern and southern African pythons, boa constrictors and yellow anacondas — are of "high risk" to the ecosystems of the U.S., especially in Florida. That's right, I said ANACONDAS!!! Four others — the reticulated python, Deschauensee's anaconda, green anaconda and Beni anaconda — are considered medium risk to ecosystems. That's right, MORE ANACONDAS!!! Scientists are already studying where Burmese pythons can survive in the U.S. Seven are being studied in a natural enclosure in South Carolina to see if the tropical natives can live through colder winters. The number of invasive pythons in South Florida and throughout Everglades National Park has exploded in the past decade to potentially tens of thousands, though wildlife officials aren't sure exactly how many are out there. Scientists believe pet owners have freed their snakes into the wild once they became too big to keep. They also think some Burmese pythons may have escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing ever since. Officials say the constrictors can produce up to 100 eggs at a time. Dr. Robert Reed, a research biologist with the U.S. geological survey, said everything from small wood storks, alligators and bobcats have been found in the stomachs of dead pythons. Reed said the native animals of Florida aren't used to living near super-predatory snakes, and in time, entire wildlife populations could be wiped out. "The fear is that something will happen akin to the situation with brown tree snakes on Guam. There, within 40 years of arrival, the snakes wiped out 10 of 12 bird species on island." Reed was quick to point out that these free-range snakes pose a "minuscule" threat to people. "All of the known fatalities involving giant snakes are from pet snakes, and usually to the owners," he said. In July, an 8-foot pet python strangled a toddler in Central Florida. Officials have tried to crack down on the invasive species; this summer, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission announced that the state would allow a few permitted snake experts to begin hunting, trapping and killing the nonnative pythons in an effort to eradicate them. Hunting the snakes is not allowed in Everglades National Park. Between January 1st and October 5th, some 270 Burmese pythons have been removed from the park. "It's just very difficult to eradicate them," said Linda Friar, a park spokeswoman. "The snakes are very difficult to locate." Ugh...and they survived what the dinosaurs couldn't. Thank you scientists. Okay...so now that the government is telling us that there may be a problem...and not to panic...so this is usually the time that we need to panic. Now, it's been a while since I've read Revelations...but I'm pretty sure there there were earthquakes, tidal waves, chaos...and GIANT SNAKES EVERYWHERE!!! Maybe there is something to this 2012 thing. Maybe that's when the ANACONDAS will outnumber the humans in the world. The signs are there, the data is there, we need to fight back...and I hear that snake is quite delicious. You could probably eat an anaconda for a month...and that's not including the alligator or bobcat or deer or whatever might be within it. Perhaps they will be like...a post-apocalyptic Kinderegg, with a special surprise inside. All I know is...we need to fight back...before it's too late. There's too many mother f**kin' snakes in this mother f**kin' glade...and we need to send Samuel L. in there to get it taken care of...and a bunch of his buddies for backup...because you never know when he's going to get snatched up by a supersmart great white shark in some illogical manner while giving a speech. It's happened before. Sigh...enough of this. I'm tired of spilling my case to a government who will sit back and bureaucratize when things need to be done. I'm changing the subject for a moment.

Megan Fox Update - American actress & now officially GLOBAL superhottie Megan Fox will strip down to her underwear for Giorgio Armani's Emporio Armani fashion brand, the Italian design house said on Wednesday. Fox, who starred in the "Transformers" films, follows in the footsteps of "Posh Spice" Victoria Beckham who along with her soccer-playing husband David heads the Emporio Armani autumn/winter underwear campaign. The actress will also be the new official worldwide face for Armani Jeans for next year (mmm...face, jeans, I like where this is going...) Armani said in a statement the soon-to-be unveiled adverts were shot by photographers Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott at the weekend in Lost Angeles. The duo also took the Beckhams' underwear ad pictures. Last week, the Milan-based fashion house said Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo would replace David Beckham as the new sports model for Emporio Armani's men's underwear. So now you all have something to look forward to. Instead of Posh, you get the Fox...in her underwear. Here's a sneak preview...

Oh wait, it's Armani...

so it'll probably be more like this

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Not much else to blab on about. Even if so, it wouldn't be that entertaining. I'm just glad that my family's back together with Kairi and they're happen. What more could a man ask for? Hmm, maybe a trip to Vegas soon. I need to be rejuvenated. "But $teve, you just went to Lake Tahoe. WTF?" You're right...but mind your own business. I guess I'll more than likely be going to LA next month...so maybe that'll work too. Lilie has promised to hook me up with an Adriana Lima look-alike that she met at a bar...since the real one is allegedly married to the man that I've proven is less compatible than me...but whatever, that'll be nice. I probably won't even have to learn Portuguese. Have a great day everybody!!!

Double Tap

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to first & foremost thank those of you who have offered me Halloween costume suggestions (Jlee & JL Clyde specifically) and they are being taken into account. So far the suggestions consist of Hef, Chewie and a Clown Zombie...but there's still plenty of great ideas out there, I just know it. Let's see, what else has gone on since Saturday. Well, super great news is that last night I was told by my brother that C-Word finally called him back...and she's willing to talk about Adoption & Joint Custody...and basically rewind to what we've been doing since January and waste time & tax payer money yet again. Therefore, I want to thank all of you out there who prayed for my little niece because that may have played a small yet significant factor...along with the fact that C-Word may have just realized that the plan before was exactly what she wanted (and I hate to say it...but it was the first weekend after she took her...as predicted). The important thing is...that she's come to her senses...and my brother & mom are overjoyed...as am I...but I'll wait until everything's in writing before I get my hopes up. I mean...it's not like we're not exactly where we were this time last week except she's got my little niece probably being watched by a friend of hers that I don't know but based on past interactions with her friends, I probably wouldn't want within 100 yards of THEIR OWN child...but we shall see. Still great news that she at least called back & didn't run off to Mexico or some stupid sh*t like that. Again, thank you all for praying. It's greatly appreciated.

Saturday night, JL Clyde, the Wingman & I went to go see "Zombieland" starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone & Abigail Breslin. Upon the end credits, I basically leaned over to my friends and said, "This may very well be...the greatest movie ever made." As I've mentioned before, I'm not a huge fan of zombie movies...at least from a movie perspective. Sure, the gore & horror sequences can be entertaining...and who doesn't like to see a corpse get blasted with the biggest gun that you can find? However, usually the director either takes the movie too seriously (and let's face it, I'm more concerned with live psychos and shark attacks than the walking dead hungering for my brains) or too ridiculously (I love Shaun of the Dead because it's hilarious...but yeah, it's poking fun at the genre) and that's why I have yet to do a Zombie Movie List (though you know the Resident Evil ones would probably be at the top, just because of my baby's mama Milla). However, that was before this movie. Though it was obviously a comedy, they still took it fairly seriously...or at least as one really can in the situation. There's human elements that come into play without being overly dramatic and/or cheesy. For those who don't know, it's about a virus that's spread across the globe...and turned the vast majority of people into brain-hungry animals with no frontal lobe capacity (or something like that) but yeah, basically zombies. We pick up about two months into the epidemic...and meet up with a young nerdy man (Eisenberg) named Columbus (PS Columbus Day SUCKS!!!) who has developed a set of rules to survive this event. Along the way, he meets up with Tallahassee (Harrelson) who's basically Ted Nugent and a pair of sisters (Stone & Breslin). It goes from there...but just trust me, it's a great flick with plenty of jokes, slow motion destruction and just a great time. I would highly recommend it.

Sunday, the Wingman & I spent the day running errands mostly...but did get to have some wonderful meals at Yanni's Greek food (their special, gyros & dolmathes) and the Texas Roadhouse (pulled pork, ribs, sirloin steaks and a sweet potato with caramel sauce that tastes like pumpkin pie). One thing about hanging with the Wingman...is he knows how to eat. We always go to the great restaurants...or he'll whip up a meal of his own...or he knows how to find the good fruits to snack on. The man knows his grub. Anyway, fairly uneventful night...but we had a good time. He's also looking into the possibility of packing up Mrs Wingman and going to LA with me in November to go visit Lilie and see the sights...but we shall see. It's around Thanksgiving...and he does have a gaggle of kids & responsibilities. Man, what would that be like? Anyway, good times were had...and he really needed it...because today he was in court yet again for similar reasons that my brother has been in a horrible mood the past week...but this has been going on for YEARS as most custody battles do. Gotta love it when family meets the judicial system. Anyway, here's some news...

2012: More Like Y2K? - One of the previews that I saw Saturday night was for the action flick "2012" starring John Cusack and a bunch of special effects. Now, the movie itself looks like it's going to be really bad...but that's not the point...because there was a lot of money put into it...and Hollywood doesn't want you to know what I'm about to tell you. The whole December 21, 2012 being the beginning of the end...isn't exactly what the Mayan calendar is saying...and if any of you are having flashbacks to Y2K (can't believe it's been almost ten years since then) it's perfectly normal...but here's the clarification. Apolinario Chile Pixtun is tired of being bombarded with frantic questions about the Mayan calendar supposedly "running out" on Dec. 21, 2012. After all, it's not the end of the world. Or is it? Definitely not, the Mayan Indian elder insists. "I came back from England last year and, man, they had me fed up with this stuff." It can only get worse for him. Next month Hollywood's "2012" opens in cinemas, featuring earthquakes, meteor showers and a tsunami dumping an aircraft carrier on the White House (really?). At Cornell University, Ann Martin, who runs the "Curious? Ask an Astronomer" Web site, says people are scared. "It's too bad that we're getting e-mails from fourth-graders who are saying that they're too young to die. We had a mother of two young children who was afraid she wouldn't live to see them grow up." Chile Pixtun, a Guatemalan, says the doomsday theories spring from Western, not Mayan ideas. A significant time period for the Mayas does end on the date, and enthusiasts have found a series of astronomical alignments they say coincide in 2012, including one that happens roughly only once every 25,800 years. But most archaeologists, astronomers and Maya say the only thing likely to hit Earth is a meteor shower of New Age philosophy, pop astronomy, Internet doomsday rumors and TV specials such as one on the History Channel which mixes "predictions" from Nostradamus and the Mayas and asks: "Is 2012 the year the cosmic clock finally winds down to zero days, zero hope?" (By the way, saw it...and wasn't impressed) It may sound all too much like other doomsday scenarios of recent decades — the 1987 Harmonic Convergence, the Jupiter Effect or "Planet X." But this one has some grains of archaeological basis. One of them is Monument Six. Found at an obscure ruin in southern Mexico during highway construction in the 1960s, the stone tablet almost didn't survive; the site was largely paved over and parts of the tablet were looted. It's unique in that the remaining parts contain the equivalent of the date 2012. The inscription describes something that is supposed to occur in 2012 involving Bolon Yokte, a mysterious Mayan god associated with both war and creation. However erosion and a crack in the stone make the end of the passage almost illegible. Archaeologist Guillermo Bernal of Mexico's National Autonomous University interprets the last eroded glyphs as maybe saying, "He will descend from the sky." Spooky, perhaps, but Bernal notes there are other inscriptions at Mayan sites for dates far beyond 2012, including one that roughly translates into the year 4772. And anyway, Mayas in the drought-stricken Yucatan peninsula have bigger worries than 2012. "If I went to some Mayan-speaking communities and asked people what is going to happen in 2012, they wouldn't have any idea," said Jose Huchim, a Yucatan Mayan archaeologist. "That the world is going to end? They wouldn't believe you. We have real concerns these days, like rain." So you see? Nothing to worry about...and I sincerely doubt that John Cusack, as awesome as he might be, probably wouldn't save us all from...what I can only tell from the preview...is the world crumbling...even if he's on an airplane. I dare say, even Gary Oldman AND Bruce Willis couldn't save us from that. So no worries. Then again, what if it is true? What if we only have three years left? My God!!! We should get to a motel as quickly as possible and enjoy what little time we have left. You're right, that's ridiculous. Let's just go to my apartment. It'll save money AND I know where those sheets have been. Besides, I'm a firm believer that the real apocalypse won't come from the sky...but rather it will slither along the ground.

Donkey Dye-Job - Two white (Caucasian) donkeys dyed with black stripes delighted Palestinian kids at a small Gaza zoo on Thursday who had never seen a zebra in the flesh (and technically, still haven't). With their long ears, drooping heads and sleepy eyes, the impostors probably would not have fooled the zoo's only lioness...but the effect achieved by the zoo owners' dye job looks not so bad -- to the unpracticed eye, and from a distance. On closer inspection it resembles the classic striped convict suit of cartoon strips. Nidal Barghouthi, whose father owns the Marah Land zoo, said the two female donkeys were striped using masking tape and women's hair dye, applied with a paint-brush (so professionally then?). "The first time we used paint but it didn't look good. The children don't know so they call them zebras and they are happy to see something new." A genuine zebra would have been too expensive to bring into Israel-blockaded Gaza via smuggling tunnels under the border with Egypt (Operation: Zebra Moles), said owner Mohammed Bargouthi. "It would have cost me $40,000 to get a real one." Gaza's Palestinians are impoverished by their isolation under an Israeli embargo against its Islamist Hamas rulers, who refuse to give up armed resistance against the Jewish state. Bargouthi's zoo charged an entrance fee of just $15 for a full busload of children. Not a bad price...and it involves tricking children, which I'm always down for. Just thought I'd share this with you. I really don't have any other opinion about it...other then I get to have you look at the picture of a painted ass. It's probably the closest to a bleached a-hole that you'll find on this blog.

Moonlight Express - Speaking of buttocks-based humor, a German man (of course it's a German man) mooning at railway staff in a departing train got his trousers caught in a carriage door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks. The 22-year-old journalism student shoved his backside against the window (aka a pressed ham) of a low-slung double-decker train when staff forced him off in Lauenbrueck for traveling without a ticket, a spokesman for police in the northern city of Bremen said. "It's a miracle he wasn't badly hurt. This sort of thing can end up killing you." Instead, dangling by his trousers, the man got pulled along for about 200 meters, all the while managing to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train. The ordeal ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake. Rescue services were called in, causing rail services between Bremen and Hamburg to be suspended for over an hour, delaying 23 trains...and all because a college kid wanted to be funny. The man (unharmed except for cuts and bruises) now faces charges of dangerous interference in rail transport, insulting the train staff, and may face a sizeable compensation claim for the delays he caused, police said. "He was full of remorse when I talked to him and he advised others not to try the same thing." I'll bet. Don't you hate it when a practical joke becomes a felony? You surprisingly pick up a frat brother in your van and test his loyalty, creating an eternal bond of brotherhood...and then a month later, you're being investigated for kidnapping. You take one FANTASTIC picture of you taking a dump next to the Lincoln Memorial...because let's face it, he looks like he's taking a dump & poop is funny...and then before your mom can even take the picture, the cops are tackling you with your pants down & taking about desecration of a national monument. I didn't even prairie dog, it was just for the picture. Don't talk to me about intent. You have no idea what was going through my mind. Anyway, some people just don't get it.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Glad to be able to share the good news about Kairi with you...and I'll keep you all posted...because I know how much you enjoy the pictures and stories of that beautiful little princess...and I'm more than happy to share as the greatest uncle on the planet. Have a great day everybody!!!

P.S. Speaking of Mayan stuff, check out the sweet fertility idol that the Wingmans got me!!! I'm trying to find out her proper name...but in the meantime, I'm going to call her Hipnotiti.

Don't Take A Whole Day To Recognize Sunshine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the morning cleaning up my apartment a bit, then went to see my mom, brother & nephew up at the Fortress of Solitude. They'd had a rough week...and Vinny was super excited to see me. We talked...and mostly used our imaginations of how to overcome the odds with regards to the Kairi situation...but yeah, not the most fun time ever...but we were family...and we were there for each other. Also, I had dinner at a very nice restaurant in Eden called Harley & Buck's. Now, the location was at a condominium complex & being told that it was a steakhouse, I was expecting some astronomical prices...but that was not the case. Sure, there were a few menu items in the $20 range like ahi tuna, a full rack of ribs, prime rib steaks, etc...but here's the thing. For about twenty bucks, I got crab cakes for an appetizer, a beef brisket sandwich with all the fixin's, onion rings and gratuity. The proportions were good too. Not bad for a great atmosphere with a beautiful view of Ogden Valley at sunset either. Furthermore, we got Vinny a burger from the children's menu...and I think they actually gave that guy more food than they gave me. He had a man-sized 1/3 pound burger, full plate of fries and a (root) beer...but luckily he had his Uncle $teve to help him with some of those. Good eats. Then we went to a party that my aunt was throwing...and had a good time with my drunken redneck family. The only lame part was when somebody would ask about Kairi...and my mom would instantly start crying. So yeah, other than that, good times. I got a call from Bubbles too, which really brightened up my evening. She asked me what I was going to be for Halloween...and I didn't really have a response other than, "I don't know, maybe Chewbacca again...or I have some dollar store things from a few years ago where I could be a pirate without eyeshadow or something." Apparently she doesn't think those are good ideas...but she also knows that Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays (though tomorrow is definitely my least favorite). So I throw the question upon you. What should Dr Love be for Halloween? Suggestions? In the meantime, here's the news...

Vick Update - Believe me, I've already thought about being Michael Vick...or more appropriately to my skin color, the Ghost of Michael Vick and walk around in an Eagles jersey & a Scooby Doo on a leash...but I thought that it might be a little too soon...and I've already had run-ins with animal rights activists in the past...and that was just for having a leather jacket. They didn't even know that I worked at a dairy for two years. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah. The aforementioned Vick will be giving the public an inside look at his life during an eight-part television series scheduled to debut on BET (yes, THE Black Entertainment Television) next year. Tentatively titled “The Michael Vick Project,” the cable show will follow the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback as he tries to redeem himself after going to prison for 18 months for his role in operating a dogfighting ring. DuBose Entertainment, which is co-producing the series (also produce "Hell Date"), and BET officially announced the show Friday. “I think its important to show our youth and our kids that you face adversity but you’re not responsible for falling, you’re responsible for getting up,” Vick said earlier this week. “I’m very remorseful about what happened and what I did. I just don’t want other people to go down that path. I’m trying to make it right and repair past damages. That’s all I want to show.” The show is part reality TV, part documentary, chronicling Vick’s rise from a difficult childhood to becoming a star at Virginia Tech, the No. 1 overall draft pick of the Atlanta Falcons in 2001, and at the time of his arrest the highest paid player in the NFL. Its producers also are promising a stark, candid look at Vick’s precipitous fall, which culminated in his prison term and bankruptcy, and his return to the NFL this season. Vick signed a $1.6 million deal with the Eagles on August 13th, with a team option for next year worth $5.2 million. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave Vick his full reinstatement September 3rd and allowed him to return to the field in Week 3. Vick has played sparingly his first two games, completing 11 of 15 passes for 45 yards with one interception, and running eight times for 36 yards and a score. “Michael Vick’s story is about second chances, and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell his complete story,” BET president Loretha Jones said in a statement. Vick said he began filming the show with his own crew when he was sent to prison, long before BET got involved. He said he wanted the cameras to see “the ugly results of my decisions” so that other people won’t make the same mistakes. “We started filming that a long time ago, not with BET but just on my own. My own film crew. We haven’t been shooting lately, but it’s something we’ve been doing since I was in prison and through the bankruptcy. It was all out then and I was doing it. I think as the season goes on, I won’t have time for it. Maybe some time in 2010 we can pick up where we left off.” Now, I know what you're thinking...and just because it's on BET doesn't mean that it's going to be completely biased (allegedly). I am a huge fan of BET. As I mentioned back when I first started this thing over two years ago, I've watched a lot of programming...and some of it is pretty insightful stuff...and I hope that this is too. I really do hope that Michael Vick becomes a legendary tale of redemption and learning from your mistakes.

On another note, who else besides me thinks that it's weird that there's a BET (Black Entertainment Television), a WE TV (Women's Entertainment Television) and such...but there's not a crazy horny redneck television station? Oh wait, they call it Spike TV. That's right. Never mind. I think "MANswers" is coming on...or a show about things blowing up or hot chicks. Excuse me.

Simpsons Update - Aye Carumba! Marge Simpson has done something that Homer might not like but will make Bart the proudest kid in his school: She's posed for Playboy magazine. After more than a half century featuring women like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford (WHAT??? REALLY???) and the Girls of Hooters on its cover, Playboy has for the first time given the spot to a cartoon character (Take THAT Wonder Woman!!!). And the magazine is giving the star of "The Simpsons" the star treatment, complete with a data sheet, an interview and a 2-page centerfold (wow, really?). The magazine's editorial director, James Jellinek, won't say exactly how much of Marge will show in the November edition that hits newsstands on October 16th or whether she lets that big pile of blue hair down...but, he did say, "It's very, very racy." But he stressed that the mother of three (the youngest a baby for the past two decades, by the way) has a lot to be proud of. "She is a stunning example of the cartoon form," he said on Friday at the magazine's headquarters in Chicago, appearing both pleased and surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. For Playboy, which has seen its circulation slip from 3.15 million to 2.6 million since 2006, putting Marge on the cover was designed to attract younger readers (just remember, the show's been on for twenty years) to a magazine where the median age of readers is 35, while not alienating older readers. "We knew that this would really appeal to the 20-something crowd," said Playboy spokeswoman Theresa Hennessey (who has NOT appeared on a cover...yet). The magazine also hopes to turn the November issue into a collectors' item by featuring Marge, sitting on a chair in the shape of the iconic Playboy bunny, on the cover of only the magazines sold in newsstands. Subscribers get a more traditional model on the cover. "It's so rare in today's digital age where you have the opportunity to send people to the newsstand to pick something up," Jellinek said. Playboy even convinced 7-Eleven to carry the magazine in its 1,200 corporate-owned stores, something the company has only done once before in more than 20 years. "We love Marge," said 7-Eleven spokesman Margaret Chabris. For those who do collect the magazine — and they're out there — the cover will bring to mind another first for the magazine that occurred in 1971 when a black woman appeared on the cover in exactly the same pose and, like Marge, smiling under an impressive head of hair. "We knew it was something all of our readers would get a kick out of," said Hennessey. Jellinek said putting Marge on the cover, while unusual, made perfect sense. For one thing, the cover celebrates the 20th anniversary of the TV show. Further, he said there was an episode in which "Marge bears all," which suggested that she, or at least the people who drew her, would be comfortable with the Playboy treatment. Perhaps most important, the idea seemed like a good one to the magazine's founder, His Majesty Hugh Hefner. "He's a huge 'Simpsons' fan,' said Jellinek. "He's been on 'The Simpsons.'" What HASN'T Hef done? Seriously? This is...ugh, an interesting turn of events...but it is combining a few of my favorite things - The Simpsons, female nudity, beautiful photography & drawing, hard-hitting journalism, female nudity, expanding target demographics, slurpees and female nudity. Hmm, I may have to stop by and pickup a Coke Slurpee and a magazine on Friday. The most intriguing question that I'm sure is on everybody's mind: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Well done Hef. You've tapped into a potentially viable market here with the television crowd...and I have a few suggestions for you (and all I ask is that you invite me to the Mansion a.k.a. Pay it forward). You may want to consider expanding in it a bit...but don't dilute it too much. Maybe a little down the road, a 10th anniversary of Family Guy with a Lois Griffin centerfold...or next year could be the 50 year reunion with Wilma Flintstone & Betty Rubble (tell me you haven't thought about it, I dare you). I mean...the Flintstones was the first TV show to show a couple in the same bed. Think about it. Furthermore, don't forget about the incredibly exploitable...er, profitable comic book crowd. I mentioned Wonder Woman earlier...but there's also the X-Women, Aeon Flux (not really much to the imagination there), Tomb Raider, Cheetara, the Disney Princesses (good luck with getting the rights to that one), Jessica Rabbit, just lots of possibilities...and to prove my point...please enjoy the following PG-13 examples...

I'm just saying, they all have intriguing life stories, incredible personalities, curvy figures...and most importantly to your business, loyal fan bases. Like I said, no need to thank me...but I have always wondered if the legends are true. Besides Hef, I know that you're a religious reader of my blog...and you know that I could use this. Not just a weekend checking out the Holy Land that is the Playboy Mansion...but if you're looking for a young go-getter with great ideas, a spectacular work ethic, an eye for talent, a triple dose of charm and a marketing management degree...then I think when I'm in the LA area next month, you may want to drop me a line. I'll even bring Lilie around so that you can meet her. No, no, she probably wouldn't pose (though there's good money in it) but she's new in town and great at meeting people from around the world who might be good talent. Just throwing it out there. You know how to reach me. We can even shoot the sh*t about Marilyn & the late great Bettie Page.

That'll probably do it for today. The Wingman's coming to hang out for a few days (court stuff with his kids too...weird) but I have tomorrow off work, so we may be able to have a fun day. If only the gentlemen's clubs in Utah weren't absolutely horrible by industry standards. Oh well, we'll make due somehow. And Mrs Wingman, if you're reading this, don't worry. I'll keep him safe & happy...and we're both bummed that you're not up here enjoying downtown Slick City with us. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

P.S. Again, what should I be for Halloween? Discuss.

It's a Crazy World We Live In

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So...some mildly disheartening news on the Kairi situation...but nothing that wasn't as expected thanks to the clusterf**k that is the Utah Legal System...but there's another thing that I didn't really think of until last night. I talked with my brother...and he told me about my nephew Vinny. He said that he's been looking all around for his big sister and asking about her...and then I was thinking about it...and who is the one person that he's been around every single day since birth? His dad? Not quite. His grandma? Close. His bad-ass uncle? Not at all. His crack whore birth giver? F**k no. Who then? His big sister. No matter where he has been, she has been right there with him...and now, she's off with that C-word somewhere. Apparently Vinny's been really sad and kinda lazy these past few days...and my brother's been trying to cheer him up...but obviously he hasn't been in the best of moods. I may not have helped things either last night.

For the first few minutes, I was my usual sympathetic self...because I know that it's just an overall sh*tty situation (like since he got back with her over three years ago) but after a few, he made a comment like, "I just never thought that she would do something like this to me." I probably should've thrown on the frontal lobe brakes and quoted some cheesy line from a chick flick or something to ease his broken heart...but instead, in typical big brother fashion, my response was "REALLY? Really Kiel? You never thought that? Not once? Never ever? Really? Come on man, you can be honest with me. I'm your brother." Silence. "Not once? In all the times that you talked to me... Mom... Dad... Isaiah... The minister... Your doctor... That guy in the mirror... You never ONCE thought that she would do something like this? Leave you? Go back to being just like her mother when things got tough? Break your heart? Not once? Ever?" Silence. "Well, try not to worry about it dude. We've got your back...and we're going to get her back somehow. You just know with this legal bullsh*t that it's never easy, just or right. Especially if you have a penis...and we have a lot of that, right?" We'll see if that really cheered him up or not...but yeah, it's been a rough few days. I'm just hoping that any minute Karma will shove a pineapple up someone's ass. Luckily, I have the news to cheer me up...with stories of absolute craziness...

Saudis are Crazy - Speaking of horrible legal systems in questionable holy lands that don't understand the concept of separation of church & state, a Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail AND 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television (Charlie Sheen?), in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom. Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program. His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia (so...not even Lebanon?), where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public. King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms. Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each. LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows (but apparently without the sexual references or adult situations). Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls ("Look, is like phone but there's no cord. Want make beast with two backs?). A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term. "Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday. Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty (REALLY?). Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion. Abdul-Jawad's brother (who didn't even want to be named & therefore associated with him) said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society. "Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency." Yeah. Bat crackers crazy, right? And this is the stuff that they let leak out into the public eye. F**king crazy. Note to self: Do not go within three countries of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia...because apparently their cleric judges have jurisdiction over ALL that Islam touches. Also, key to picking up overly conservative women is through my cell phone, not my temple recommend as previously theorized. Hmm, maybe it was the being on TV that did it. The best part about this whole thing...is what was going on simultaneously in Bangkok of all places...

Saudi Financial Aid? - There are plenty of needy countries at the U.N. climate talks in Bangkok that make the case they need financial assistance to adapt to the impacts of global warming...and then there are the Saudis. Saudi Arabia has led a quiet campaign during these and other negotiations, demanding behind closed doors that oil-producing nations get special financial assistance if a new climate pact calls for substantial reductions in the use of fossil fuels. That campaign comes despite an International Energy Agency report released this week showing that OPEC revenues would still increase $23 trillion between 2008 and 2030 (a fourfold increase compared to the period from 1985 to 2007) if countries agree to significantly slash emissions and thereby cut their use of oil. That is the limit most countries agree is needed to avoid the worst impacts of climate change. The head of the Saudi delegation Mohammad S. Al Sabban dismissed the IEA figures as "biased" and said OPEC's own calculations (using an abacus?) showed that Saudi Arabia would lose $19 billion a year starting in 2012 under a new climate pact (and that doesn't include the lashes). The region would lose much more, he said. "We are among the economically vulnerable countries," Al Sabban told The Associated Press on the sidelines of the talks ahead of negotiations in Copenhagen in December for a treaty to replace the Kyoto Protocol, which expires in 2012. "This is very serious for us. We are in the process of diversifying our economy but this will take a long time. We don't have too many resources." Saudi Arabia, which sits atop the world's largest proven oil reserves, is seeing economic growth slide because of fallout from the global meltdown (ugh...I'm sorry economic GROWTH slide? So they're still growing...and we're supposed to feel sorry?) but experts still expect the country, flush with cash from oil's earlier price spike last year, to be better able than other nations to cope with the current crisis. Al Sabban accused Western nations of pursuing an agenda against oil producers, under the guise of protecting the planet (actually, it's both). "Many politicians in the Western world think these climate change negotiations and the new agreement will provide them with a golden opportunity to reduce their dependence on imported oil. That means you will transfer the burden to developing countries, especially to those highly dependent on the exploitation of oil." Al Sabban said his country wanted a new deal and was not impeding progress in talks as some activists have claimed. An Arab environmental group IndyACT and the environmental group Germanwatch released a report Thursday accusing Saudi Arabia of blocking key elements of the negotiations. Among their tactics, the groups said, was slowing negotiations by insisting that the economic woes of oil producers be included in the text. "Despite the variability in the region, the current Arab position is mainly focused around protecting the oil trade rather than saving the planet form the adverse impacts of climate change," said Wael Hmaidan, the executive director of IndyACT. Most countries have agreed that any new pact should include provisions to avoid temperature increases of more than 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit (2 degrees Celsius) above preindustrial levels — the threshold at which most scientists say serious climate change will ensue. So there you go. Sure, I may seem a little biased in the situation...but I think that it's just crazy. However, I'm not one to just point out the faults of other nations. We have a bit of an identity crisis too.

Obama Wins Noble Peace Prize - I repeat, United States President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday in a stunning decision designed to build momentum behind his initiatives to reduce nuclear arms, ease tensions with the Muslim world and stress diplomacy and cooperation rather than unilateralism. Obama said he was surprised and deeply humbled by the honor, and planned to travel to Oslo to accept the prize. "I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize. I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the challenges of the 21st century." Many observers were shocked by the unexpected choice so early in the Obama presidency, which began less than two weeks before the February 1st nomination deadline and has yet to yield concrete achievements in peacemaking. Some around the world objected to the choice of Obama, who still oversees wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and has launched deadly counter-terror strikes in Pakistan and Somalia (don't forget about Iran, North Korea, Martians and whatever else we get asked to take care of or they don't let us know about). Obama said he was working to end the war in Iraq and "to confront a ruthless adversary that directly threatens the American people and our allies" in Afghanistan. Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee said their choice could be seen as an early vote of confidence in Obama intended to build global support for his policies. They lauded the change in global mood wrought by Obama's calls for peace and cooperation, and praised his pledges to reduce the world stock of nuclear arms, ease American conflicts with Muslim nations and strengthen the U.S. role in combating climate change. "Obama has as President created a new climate in international politics," the citation read, in part. "Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play. Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts." God, I hope so. Wouldn't world peace across the entire planet Earth be sweet? Yeah, I think so too. Oh and in other news...

We Bombed the MOON!!! - On the same day that an American President won the Nobel Peace Prize, NASA blasted the surface of the moon with two spacecraft on Friday in a dramatic bid to find water on the lunar surface, an experiment that could be a stepping stone to a permanent moon base. At 1131 GMT the agency hurtled a rocket into the moon's Cabeus crater, near the southern pole, at around 5,600 miles (9,000 kilometers) per hour, followed four minutes later by a shepherding spacecraft equipped with cameras to record the impact (why have a crash landing if you can't videotape it?). The space agency said the blasts successfully kicked up a plume of lunar dirt (no sh*t) that was captured by sensitive devices on board the trailing LCROSS craft. "Everything really worked very well, the spacecraft flew perfect, the instruments performed better than expected in some cases, We got interesting results," a NASA statement said. The agency will now set about the tricky task on sifting and analyzing the 350 tons of dirt thrown up by the impact. Cameras mounted on the one ton shepherding spacecraft failed to beam live footage of the initial impact as the craft flew through the debris plume (aaaaah...) but NASA said the experiment went well despite the hitch. During the experiment, grainy thermal images carried on the US space agency's television station showed colder blue sites and warmer red sites on the moon's surface. The mission's website reads, "The LCROSS science team is making their preliminary assessment of approximately four minutes of data collected from the LCROSS Spacecraft. Observatories involved in the LCROSS Observation Campaign are reporting in. We don't anticipate anything about presence or absence of water immediately. It's going to take us some time," cautioned Anthony Colaprete, project scientist and principal investigator for the $79 MILLION LCROSS mission, which is also a preparatory mission for the Constellation program, which aims to send Americans back to the moon by 2020 (so fifty years after we already did that? Has anybody seen Moonraker, by the way?). Colaprete said it would take several days for analysts to evaluate the data and several weeks to determine whether and how much hydrogen-bearing compounds were found...but the important thing is...that we blew up the moon to see if water would come out because other experiments & analysis just weren't getting the job done. God bless America!!! Land of the Free...and Home of the Ballsy!!! "Thank you all for this incredible honor. Oh, and by the way, you should all check out the moon tonight. It's gonna look...a little different. Peace, I'm Audi." That'll probably never happen until I'm elected as a public official...but still, I like to think about it once in a while.

That'll do it for today. The world is a crazy place...but that's why there's people like me around to try to keep it all in perspective. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Please pray for my little niece.

Don't let her turn into her mother...

The really sad thing is...this is, honest to God,

the best picture that I have of the bitch.

Have a great weekend everybody!!! We love you, Kairi.

Worst First Date Ever?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

In a much better mood than I have been the past few days. Why? Because I've been able to make my family mildly happier these past few days with the whole Kairi situation. I don't want to give any details, in case a specific crack whore sister-in-law maybe reading this for some reason (and if so, please re-read this entry) but if there's any merit in the Justice system at all, my niece should be back in the loving arms of her REAL family shortly. Other than that, haven't had a whole lot of time to do much of anything else the past few days. Watched a little "Supernatural" and I just finished up season 3. The formula still stands true for the most part...and Filly described it as a "a modern day Western...with monsters...and classic rock" and that pretty much sums it up. So yeah, nothing else other than that...but there's always the news...

Alabama Mama - I read stories like this...and I have to check to make sure I'm not related to anybody in the article. Have I mentioned my proud redneck genes? An Alabama woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after police say she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van. Albertville Police spokesman Sgt. Jamie Smith said the 37-year-old woman was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top. Smith said the woman told police the box was too big to go inside the van, and that her daughter was inside the box to hold it down (oh yeah, she said it). Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger (oh my God, it just gets better). The 13-year-old daughter (that's right, 13-year-old daughter) wasn't harmed and was turned over to a relative. A jail worker said the mother was out on bond Monday. Just wanted to let you all know that...we all make mistakes, and nobody's a perfect parent...but it's okay, because there's always somebody stupider out there...and they're probably in Alabama. Another thing that kind of gets me is...okay, the box was too big for their van...but apparently so light that it required a teenage girl AND a coat hanger to hold it down? Was it a box of those little Styrofoam peanuts? If not, was it empty? Just dismantle the box. Also, how is this stupid b**ch out on bond? Does Alabama have similar maternal omnipotence like the state of Utah? So many questions...but I'm going to change the subject before I get angered...

Finger Kickin' Good Chicken - Authorities in Massachusetts say a couple, upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order, assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of children in line. The couple was arrested Thursday after witnesses told police the couple beat the man as he was leaving the restaurant. Police say 31-year-old Jared Garfagna of Marshfield punched the man in the head, and then Garfagna's girlfriend, 24-year-old Sara Mohn, kicked the man. The victim had cuts on his eyelid and wrists. Mohn has been charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (possibly a Red Sox cap). Garfagna has been ordered to appear in court on assault and battery charges. It's unclear whether either has hired an attorney. Yeah, that sounds like Boston. I don't know what it is about the Bostonian or New Jersey accent...but it makes me want to cause violence...so I can only assume that's why so many are loud and angry (at least by Utah standards). I mean...it's well known that I like chicken (in fact, some have caught my special dance about how much I like chicken) but am I going to beat somebody up in a parking lot over chicken? Perhaps...but not in this situation where I was making an ass of myself at somebody else's workplace. Sir, best of luck to you in court. Damn, now I want popcorn chicken...

Kung Fu Brothel - The New Zealand Olympic Committee (NZOC) has threatened to sue a local taekwondo athlete who plans to finance his 2012 London Games bid...with the proceeds from a brothel. Logan Campbell, whose participation in the Beijing Olympics last year cost him NZ$150,000 ($110,600) -- most of which came from his parents -- opened a brothel with a friend in Auckland earlier this year. Campbell went public with the scheme in July and the 23-year-old said he hoped to raise NZ$300,000 to alleviate any financial burden on his parents (ah, nice guy) and to have more time to concentrate on training. After remaining silent on the issue for three months, the NZOC had written a letter to Campbell demanding he cease linking the Olympics to his business or face legal action, the athlete told New Zealand television Wednesday. "Based on the Olympic values of excellence, friendship and respect, we would place your actions as totally inconsistent with these values," TV3 network quoted an excerpt of the letter, signed by NZOC secretary-general Barry Maister, as saying. "Your open solicitation of 'clients' for your 'business' while using the Olympic or Olympian connection must cease immediately, or the NZOC will be forced to consider taking legal action against you." Campbell, who finished outside the medals in the featherweight division at Beijing, defended his business and fundraising efforts. Owning and running brothels is legal in New Zealand, where laws governing prostitution are relatively liberal by world standards (Go Kiwis!!!). "At the end of the day, I feel like I'm not exploiting anyone because no one has to be here, we are not forcing anyone to be here. They are here of their own free will," he told the network. Campbell is now threatening legal action of his own. How about that? You can partake of the wonderful service of an exotic location like New Zealand AND help a young man achieve his dream of participating in the Olympic Games. As you might have guessed, I have absolutely no problem with this scenario at all. In fact, NZOC, if you don't like it, then pay his way. Oh, you can't? Then allow him to get his own damn sponsorship deal. Don't discredit him because he's not getting caught up in your bureaucratic horsewaggle and has decided to take matter into his own hands and find legal alternative means of financing his dreams. Shame on you, New Zealand. Your prime minister Gary would be appalled...as would your fourth most popular folk band, The Flight of the Conchords. Mister Campbell, I would be more than happy to help support your business and your dream. However, flights down there are pretty f**king expensive. Once I get over that hurdle though, you're definitely on my city tour of Auckland. Good luck. Hopefully I'll see you in London in 2012.

Naturale Nature Hike - German naturists will soon have their own 18-km (11-mile) long trail for hiking...in the nude. Oddly enough, some enthusiasts have been trying it out before the official opening next May. Heinz Ludwig, who runs a nearby campsite, has led the project to create the nudist trail that meanders up and down the Harz mountain range in central Germany, overcoming some local protests by pointing out its potential boost for tourism (really? That's your angle?). "I think it's a great way to promote tourism here," Ludwig told Reuters on Tuesday after Bild newspaper published a picture of two women wearing nothing but rucksacks on the trail (okay, you've won me over). "There's already been a lot of interest in it." The trail runs between the village of Dankerode and the Wippertal dam. Naturism fans have been monitoring progress of the trail in Internet chatrooms for months and a band of naked hikers (sounds like the beginning of a really bad horror flick) took a test walk on the not-quite-finished trail in May. The trail is being marked with special signs warning the uninitiated that they could encounter nude hikers. One sign reads, "If you don't want to see people with nothing on, then you should refrain from moving on!" I'm going to help my German friends by suggesting another sign that seems to work pretty well over here in the States, "LIVE NUDES XXX" and I'm sure that you can get the red & purple neon to work off solar power or something. You Germans are always on the cutting edge of technology. Just look at the Sham-Wow! Not a must-see on my backpacking trip through Europe though. Sure it'd be nice to see some nice uninhibited Lola running through the forest...but it's more than likely going to be Gunther the Metzger wanting to chat it up. "Cold out huh?" "Ja, es ist kalt. Funf Celsius." "Sigh..." "It looks like you are smoking...but you are not." "Sigh...I sure ain't." "Oooh, look at mine goose pimples." "Sigh...no thanks, Gunther. I'm ugh...gonna go...somewhere else. Hey, is Katarina Witt still around somewhere?"

There May Be A Cure - Scientists and government leaders have already started mapping out how to try to improve the world's first successful AIDS vaccine, which protected one in three people from getting HIV in a large study in Thailand. That's not good enough for immediate use, researchers say. Yet it is a watershed event in the 26 years since the AIDS virus was discovered. Recent setbacks led many scientists to think a successful vaccine would never be possible. The World Health Organization and the U.N. agency UNAIDS said the results "instilled new hope" in the field, even though it likely will be years before a vaccine might be widely available. "This is truly a great moment for world medicine," said Lt. Gen. Eric Schoomaker, the U.S. Army Surgeon General. The Army helped sponsor the study, the world's largest of an AIDS vaccine. It was the first time scientists tried preventing HIV the same way they treat it — with a combination approach. The study used two vaccines that work in different ways, and that may be one reason the strategy worked, even though neither vaccine did when tested individually in earlier trials, scientists say. The combo cut the risk of becoming infected with HIV by more than 31% in the study of more than 16,000 volunteers in Thailand, researchers announced Thursday in Bangkok. That benefit is modest, yet "it's the first evidence that we could have a safe and effective preventive vaccine," said Col. Jerome Kim, an Army doctor who helped lead the study. The outcome "gives me cautious optimism about the possibility of improving this result" and developing a more effective AIDS vaccine, said Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, which co-sponsored the study. "It's an opening of a new gateway to a road that has brighter lights in it now and maybe some directions. We need to bring the best minds together and map the way forward." That has already started. Dozens of researchers, vaccine makers and deep-pocket donors will meet next week in New York "to talk about where we go from here," said Dr. Alan Bernstein, executive director of the Global HIV Vaccine Enterprise, an alliance of government officials, AIDS scientists, funders such as the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, and the WHO. At the meeting will be researchers from the Thai trial, the Army and independent scientists. Scientists around the world cheered the first taste of victory...and who ever thought that the cure for an STD would be found in Thailand? This is pretty good news...and I hope it continues.

Worst First Date? - A Detroit man has been sentenced to at least two years in prison for stealing a woman's car AFTER skipping out on the check during their first date. Twenty-four-year-old Terrance McCoy was sentenced Friday in Oakland County Circuit Court to two to 10 years in prison. McCoy pleaded no contest September 18th to unlawfully driving away a vehicle (I guess that's how they word grand theft auto in Detroit). A no-contest plea is not an admission of guilt but is treated as a conviction at sentencing. Police say McCoy dined with the 27-year-old Southfield woman on April 24 at a restaurant in Ferndale. The woman told investigators McCoy said he forgot his wallet in her car and asked for the keys (Really? REALLY?). Police say McCoy then took off in the car. Defense attorney Terri Antisdale says McCoy is a "very nice man who made a bad decision." How do you think SHE feels about the decision? Wow. Now, I've had some pretty good experiences with first dates (knock on wood). I have yet to have a first date where I feared for my life, involved the police in any way, received some sort of scar or really anything out of the ordinary...other than a few memories & awkward social advances. However, I am not everybody. So I throw it out there, anybody want to share their worst first date experiences? Anybody? It'd be awesome if you did. You know I'd be more than willing to share a really good story...but you know the best that I've got is that girl who looked like she was 14 and wouldn't stop talking about American Idol. I kept expecting Chris Hanson to come walking around the corner. "I swear to God, she told me she was 24." "And you believed her?" "Dude, I asked for ID." That's about it. So please...feel free to share...and use fake names. I don't want anybody's feelings to be hurt.

(Please enter story in comments)

Have a great day everybody!!!

Football 101

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So Sunday night, I was watching a football game with my brother, my buddy Isaiah and a few others...and I heard broadcaster Cris Collinsworth use a word that I had never heard before in the English language - "Favre-ish" or perhaps spelled "Favrish" though inexplicably pronounced "Far-vish". Granted football is full of words and terms that may or may not make any lick of sense...as anybody who doesn't follow football (Lilie, Mad Scientist, JL Clyde, Fidel Castro, etc) may know...but I thought that I would take it upon myself to try to explain a few of them. Also, if you require more one-on-one tutorage (ladies...) then I'm more than happy to offer my encyclopedic knowledge of football, basketball, and just about any sport you'll typically see on Sportscenter to help you understand...or at least have some fun being slightly confused. On the flip side, if ANYBODY out there knows anything about Cricket, I'm all ears. Anyway, here are some terms that might be confusing...and then we'll get to this new word "Favrish"

Note: I'm assuming that you at least know what a quarterback is and have at least seen a game so that you know it's played on a field instead of on top of a tabletop or on a golf course or something. Please let me know if you need further clarification though. I'm all about spreading the knowledge.

End Zone - Nothing like the Twilight Zone, rather this is the goal line. If the team is able to advance the ball in an appropriate manner past this line, then they are awarded with six points.

Audible - Yes, you can hear it. An "audible" is called when the quarterback sees that the play called in the huddle may not work (perhaps the defense is anticipating a similar play or he sees an open opportunity in their defensive positioning), so he'll call a different play while everybody's lined up. This can be extremely difficult in a loud arena.

Blitz - German for "Lightning" this is when the defense sends a few more people than normal after the quarterback...or try to shock & awe the offense by sending in quick, little guys after the quarterback while the bigger guys drop back to defend the pass.

Bomb - Oh yeah, there's a lot of dramatic metaphors in this game. Not to be confused with Da Bomb, a "bomb" is when the quarterback throws the ball faaaaaaar downfield (at least 40 yards or so) towards an intended receiver. If there's only time for one last play and there's a long way to go to the end zone, a "Hail Mary" is an overly dramatic metaphor for when a "bomb" of a pass is thrown into the end zone and a largely manner with which anybody can catch it...but hopefully somebody on their team, thus ending in a touchdown. (See Doug Flutie)

Shotgun - I'm slightly unnerved that this is referring to a formation where the quarterback is standing about 5-7 yards behind the snapper, who is bent over in front of him. Not sure where the shotgun comes into play with that scenario...but perhaps the sport originated in the backwoods of Appalachia.

Pigskin - Further evidence about the backwoods of Appalachia theory ("SQUEEEEEAL!!!") but this is referring to the football. Apparently they were once made out of pig skin before the

Play Action Pass - Basically it's when you fake handing the ball to the running back to fool the defense...and then throw a pass instead.

Bootleg - Nothing to do with fashion...but after a play action pass, then the quarterback runs to the opposite side of the fake hand-off to either run...or more realistically pass. It really makes a lot more sense if I have the little Starting Lineup guys or plastic soldiers or game footage to show you.

Safety - And you thought there was no such thing on a football field...but rather, there are TWO meanings on this term. On defense, there's typically two guys standing about 20 yards back from the line of scrimmage as kind of a last resort defense or like a safety valve to stop a long pass or something. Those two guys are called the safeties. The other meaning is on the rare occasion when a team is tackled inside of the opposite end zone of where they're trying to go...a hundred yards from their goal. If that happens, that is called a safety (and the referee makes a motion like an A in YMCA) and the defense is awarded two points...and they get the ball punted to them.

Punt - The offense has four chances to go ten yards (seems easy enough, right?) but if they get stopped on the fourth down, then the defensive team gets the ball at that spot. However, on the fourth down, the offense can decide to kick the ball away...pushing the defensive team back about 40 yards more on average. The defensive team can catch the ball and try to run it back too. It's actually quite an exciting situation.

Sack - This is when the defense tackles the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. I have no idea why it's called a sack. Perhaps back in the day of leather helmets, they used to tie them up in a sack and toss them into the river or something...or maybe that just signaled a time-out and then the other players could eat their sack lunch.

Fumble - When that odd-shaped pigskin ball is dropped, it bounces around in quite the odd patterns. In fact, if it's raining or something, you'll see a bunch of 300-pound men trying to jump on top of what appears to be a greased pigskin. It's quite entertaining sometimes. Oh, so yeah, when the ball is dropped, it's called a fumble.

Lateral - In between a backwards pitch & a forward pass...is a lateral pass. This is typically used on an Option Play, where the previously mentioned Bootleg has the quarterback running to one side...and the running back nearby. The reason it's called an Option play is because the quarterback has the option to A) Run the ball himself, B) Throw a lateral pass, basically a pitch to his side to the running back and let him run it, or C) Maybe throw it to a receiver with a forward pass down the field.

PAT - Stands for Point After Touchdown. When you cross the goal line (get into the end zone), you are awarded with six points...but then you also get to kick a 20-yard field goal for an extra point. It may not seem like much...but it has been the deciding factor in quite a few games.

Pooch Kick - See? Michael Vick's kicked out of the league for two years for what he did to dogs...and they have a term like "pooch kick", it just sickens me. On the real though, it's basically the term used for a short punt where they try to get the offensive team as far back as possible...without going into the end zone (because if that happens, then they start at the 20 yard line).

Pump Fake - This is not a celebratory pelvic thrust into the air (though they are pretty fun) but rather when a quarterback fakes the motion of a pass to fool the defense...and then will usually run with it or throw it elsewhere.

Nickel Package - Not an amount of marijuana or a roll of coins...but this is referred to a defense that has five defensive backs instead of the usual four. This is primarily for when the defense anticipates a pass play.

Dime Package - Again, not paraphernalia or coinage, but when the defense has six defensive backs...but I prefer to think of it as what the cheerleader's working with...a total dime package.

Nose Tackle - Yes, this would be painful...and that's why they were the facemasks. However, this term refers to the defensive guy who usually stand in the middle, right in front of the snapper. These men are usually AT LEAST 300 pounds...and usually more like 350. They are big, slow & bulky...but they are essential to a good run defense up the middle. That's why they get paid the big bucks.

Tight End - I have no idea why they're called this...but as you might expect, some of these guys have pretty tight ends. These are offensive linemen who line up on the front line...but can go downfield to catch a pass if needed. They're usually about 6'6" 280 pounds so pretty big targets downfield...or pretty good blockers, depending on the play called.

Special Teams - Similar to the 4 x 100 m relay at the Special Olympics, these are athletes who wear helmets...but that's wear the similarities stop. This is the term for the kicking teams that come out for punts, kickoffs, PATs, and field goals. If balls are getting kicked, these are the guys on the grass. Wait, that might've came out wrong. Yeah, kicking teams. Very important part of the game.

My new favorite word: "Favrish" - Adjective - Apparently this is when something is in a fashion similar to that of Brett Favre, the face of the NFL...who is turning 40 this saturday and still one of the best out there. Hell, I even went into Cowboys Stadium two years back just to see him from several hundred yards away. Honestly, I'm a little worried. These Vikings that he's playing for look really good...and may be real contenders if they stay healthy. However, the definition of this word is as diverse & complex as the man himself. I mean...he owns just about every passing record out there...yet his first NFL completion was to himself for -7 yards. After his rookie year (in which he didn't throw a single pass) with the Atlanta Falcons, he was traded to the Green Bay Packers...for his college teammate Tony Smith (who? exactly?). Then he subbed in for the injured first string quaterback in 1992...and hasn't missed a game since...which is absolutely astonishing for a guy who touches the ball on every single play...and is therefore a target of very large men. Anyway, here are some possible definitions that could be used in passing conversation...and you'll be awesome for using this word.

1. Sturdy, dependable, consistent, strong, possibly eternal - The man has started every week in the NFL since I was in elementary school. Simply amazing longevity. Second place in the record books for consecutive starts at quarterback is Peyton Manning...and even he is about six years behind...and third place is about three years behind that. Use in a sentence: "You have a Favrish work ethic. Come rain, sleet or snow, I know that I can depend on you." or "The Great Wall of China is a Favrish example of architecture."

2. Ballsy, confident, leadership qualities in spades - Do you know of any other forty-year old man who lines up every Sunday to play against the best & strongest athletes in the world? Who knows that on any given play, he could suffer a hit that would turn his brittle bones into a fine powder? Yet he steps out there...and the entire team knows...that they can come back from any deficit with a leader like him at the helm...because he's done it time and time again...for about 20 years now...and he's still one of the best. He still throws bullet-speed passes with the best of them. Use in a sentence: "Major Tom is a Favrish leader. He has the experience & expertise necessary for this mission."

3. Undecided, flip-floppy, unpredictable - The man also can't seem to decide whether he wants to stay retired or not...and it's been highly publicized the past few years...but he's been on the borderline of retirement for about a decade now. He really just uses it to get out of training camp & unnecessary drills, which I can understand...but yeah, it's comical at times. He also has this magical ability to pull amazing plays out of his ass sometimes. You never know what you're going to get from this guy...who owns all the passing records...for yards & touchdowns...as well as interceptions by the other team. Use in a sentence: "I'm not liking your Favrish attitude. Do you want to go on this road trip or not?" or "The economy is completely Favrish. My investments fluctuate from day to day."

These are just a few examples...so you can see why my new favorite word might be confusing. Depending on the context, you could twist it to mean just about anything. It's like the new F-Word. Anyway, that's all I've got for today. I told you it would be a little more light-hearted than yesterday's rant. If you have any further questions, I'm more than happy to explain...or join me on any Saturday, Sunday, Monday and sometimes Thursday & I can do a private tutoring session with visual aids on the television. Or heck, I could just pull out Madden and show you on there if you prefer. Not as many beer commercials though. Now go out there & get your football on. Have a great day everybody!!!