Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
It’s that time of year again. Well yeah, it’s St. Patrick’s Day where he postponed the Apocalypse from starting by killing snakes on the Emerald Isle centuries ago or chased dragons off or whatever it was exactly (still want to make a kick-ass movie with a drinking game where you take a shot every time a redhead tries to seduce St. Patrick…which will be plentiful) but that’s not what I’m talking about. This time, I’m referring to March Madness, which officially started yesterday…and so far, my bracket is sitting at 100% with a mere 63 games to go. Arkansas-Pine Bluff started the season 0-11 and now has the pleasure of losing to Duke in the first round of the tournament. Why did I pick them to beat Winthrop (based in Rock Hill, SC)? Well, they started 0-11 and have now gone 18-4 since then. They’re on a roll. I have a few surprises coming up in my bracket…like Cornell & Utah State making it to the Sweet 16 but honestly, I have all four number one seeds making up the Final Four. They’re just honestly the best four teams out there by far. Rather than bore you with all my picks, I’d rather get you better acquainted with some of the colleges represented in the tournament. I did this a few years ago, so it might be a little review…but here you go. Oh…and UConn women’s team is going to embarrass the rest of the field. That’s how it is when you basically sign the All-American team every year. Anyway, here you go…
Men’s Bracket Awareness
UTAH STATE – Ah yes, the Aggies are based in the beautiful campus of Logan, Utah. I’ve made a few trips up there in my high school days (engineering & academic nerd competitions). I think the spirit of Merlin Olsen may be watching over them this weekend.
Lehigh – Representing the college in both the men’s & women’s brackets, they are based in the little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Where I believe Football Jesus was born before he set roots in South Bend, Indiana. Tehehe, this university was founded in 1865 by a man named Asa Packer. I’m not joking. He went into politics too. He was a congressman. It’s okay though…because Lee Iacocca attended here…and he did alright.
Northern Iowa – Again in both brackets, they are in Cedar Falls, Iowa. That’s it. Like their state motto says, “Hope you brought something to do” Interestingly enough, Kurt Warner played football here, then bagged groceries for a few years, then rewrote the Super Bowl record books. True story.
New Mexico State – Las Cruces, NM – Most interesting thing I could find was their fight song, which is fitting for today because it states “And when we win this game, we’ll buy a keg of booze / and drink it to the Aggies / till we wobble in our shoes A-G-G-I-E-S!!!” What better college fight song?
Vermont – They’ve made it to both tournament…and in basketball this time, not hockey. Oh…and they’re in lovely Burlington, VT. You know, where they have coat factories, I think. Besides hockey players like John LeClair & Martin St Louis, apparently Ben Affleck spent a semester here…before going to Harvard to hang out with Matt Damon while he was a janitor solving math problems.
Vanderbilt – Located in Nashville, Tennessee and named after Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt. As you might expect, there are a lot of notable alumni here like Al Gore.
Murray State – No, Murray isn’t a new state in the Union, they’re just based in Murray, Kentucky. Any basketball fans out there? Well, the pioneer of the jump shot & hall of famer Joe Fulks went here and then joined the marines during WWII. Now you know.
Oakland – Yes, there are colleges in Oakland, California…but not this one. “Wait, what do you mean it’s actually in Auburn Hills, Michigan? That’s ridiculous.” Indeed it’s true. It’s located in Oakland County. That’s where the name comes from. Oh it’s even better. Have you ever wondered where “Booger” from “Revenge of the Nerds” went to college? No, not Adams College. Here. Along with David Hasselhoff & Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund).
North Texas – Located in Denton, TX and the alumni include musicians Roy Orbison, Meat Loaf, Don Henley, Norah Jones, & Pat Boone. As well as behemoths among men like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, “Mean” Joe Greene & Dr. Phil.
East Tennessee State – These Buccaneers are in Johnson City, TN. Hmm, since they’re in both tourneys, I wonder what the Lady Bucs wear… Hmm… Kenny Chesney got a degree in Advertising from here.
Cornell – My sleeper Sweet 16 pick hails from Ithaca, New York and was founded in 1865 by Ezra Cornell. The champion of the Ivy League (at least in basketball) has learned 28 Rhodes Scholars & 41 Nobel laureates and some Cornellians include Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Janet Reno, Adolph Coors, C. Everett Koop, Dr. Atkins (from that f**king diet), Henry Heimlich (“It’s not dry humping, I’m saving this woman’s life”), Joyce Brothers, E.B. White, Dick Schaap, Keith Olberman, Bill Maher, Jimmy Smits, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (no kidding), Huey Lewis, Pop Warner & Christopher Reeve.
Wofford – Established as an independent liberal arts college in Spartanburg, SC in 1854 by Methodist Reverend Benjamin Wofford with a bequest of $100,000. Now you know.
Morgan State – Founded in Baltimore, MD in 1867 as Centenary Biblical Institute, renamed after Rev. Lyttleton Morgan in 1890. Most famous alumni, probably Academy Award winning actress & comedian Mo’Nique.
Siena – I have this Loudonville, NY school upsetting Purdue…and then losing to Utah State. You heard it here first.
Sam Houston State – Hey kids, Dan Rather went here. The Bearkats (not misspelled) are oddly enough in Huntsville, TX which is about a 45 minute drive from Houston. Oh well, that’s not too bad. Stephen F. Austin University is in Nacogdoches, which is about five hours from Austin (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaaart of Texas.
Old Dominion – Named after the nickname for Virginia given by an English king…but not founded until 1930, it’s located in the city of Norfolk, VA and is basically produced two of women’s basketball’s greatest & most influential players, Anne Donovan & Nancy Lieberman.
Robert Morris – Again, located in Pittsburgh, PA and named after “the other guy” that helped finance the Revolutionary War (along with Alexander Hamilton). He signed the Declaration of Independence.
Women’s Bracket
Southern – Black college in Baton Rouge, LA that I’m familiar with thanks to the most misunderstood commentator in sports & former Spurs great Avery Johnson but it also boasts alumni like baseball legend Lou Brock, jazz musician Branford Marsalis, THE Randy Jackson (“Yo dawg”) and David Banner (and yes, I’ll be singing “Cum” while typing the rest of this entry)
James Madison – Founded in 1908 as the State Normal & Industrial School for women in Harrisonburg, VA in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley, it has changed names a few times before settling on our shortest Commander-in-Chief. However, probably it’s most famous & infamous graduate…is Scott Norwood (a.k.a. Ray Finkle?) who went into hiding shortly after Super Bowl XXV.
Middle Tennessee State – Former VP Al Gore may have gone to Vanderbilt in Nashville…but his daddy went to MTSU in Murfreesboro, TN.
Austin Peay – Located in Clarksville, TN and renamed after the Governor who died in 1927.
Marist – Adjective meaning having to do with the Holy Mother…and a college in Poughkeepsie, NY. Also were “The Flying Dutchman” NBA center Rik Smits & hate monger Bill O’Reilly went to school.
Lamar – Located in Beaumont, TX and originally named…wait for it… South Park Junior College when founded in 1923. Then in 1932, it renamed itself after Mirabeau B. Lamar, the 2nd President of the Republic of Texas (after Sam Houston). Janis Joplin & the Big Bopper skipped classes there for different reasons.
DePaul – The largest Catholic university in America and located in Chicago, IL. Named after St. Vincent de Paul who promoted philanthropy, that I did not know. Alumni include Scully (Gillian Anderson), Tom Bosley, Joe “Fat Tony” Mantegna, John C. Reilly, & NBA legend George Mikan,
Liberty – Founded in 1971 by Jerry Falwell (oh yes, THAT Jerry Falwell) and is among my favorites because it’s a fundamentalist Baptist / Evangelical Christian university…and it’s located in Lynchburg, Virginia. What else is located there? That’s right. The Jack Daniels distillery. Mmm mmm… Just kidding. That's in Lynchburg, TN. Everybody (with a drinking problem) knows that.
Anyway, that’ll about do it for my educational trip today. Maybe I’ll have to see who makes it to the Women’s Sweet 16 in Sacramento next weekend. May be worth a few bucks. Back to St. Patrick’s Day…
Be Careful at the Bar – Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a night of levity for Irish of any nationality…but please be careful, use a designated driver, and if something’s too good to be true, it just might be. For example, a middle school teacher was accused of biting off part of a man's ear during a confrontation at a St. Paul, Minnesota diner. Prosecutors said the 30-year-old woman was drunk when she attacked the man at the Uptowner about 4 a.m. Sunday (Really? Drunk at 4 AM on a Sunday? What evidence do you have?). Here’s where it gets good though. A criminal complaint said the 33-year-old man was eating with friends when one made a comment about one of the women with the suspect (“Oh no he didn’t!”). The complaint says the suspect approached the group of men, licked the victim's ear, then bit off part of it. So step by step, let me break this down for you. A friend of the victim…made a comment about a friend of the suspect. Not the victim referred to the suspect in a negative manner…but a friend of to a friend of. Then the suspect approached the group of men (probably stumbling along the way). This is where it gets REALLY interesting. My guess…is that the suspect approached the victim in a seductive manner…probably having no idea whether he was the one who made the comment or not…but figured it was a good guess. She said a few cute things in an awkward, slurred manner as she sat on his lap (What’s he supposed to do? Throw her off?), leans in to whisper something, gives a little lick on the lobe, his friends react with cheers at this free amateur lap dance…and then she bites down, rips off a piece of ear, spits it to the side (not a swallower) and walks back to her friends, laughing like a hyena & saying “Don’t be talkin’ bout my girl like that!!!” It’s one of those situations that seem like a movie scene, where your wettest fantasy turns into a horror flick with the flip of a switch (like Jennifer’s Body…only in real life). So yeah, be careful out there everybody…and play safe.
That’ll do it for today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been crock potting a corned beef with potatoes, carrots, pearl onions, and a few shots of Crown Royal (it’s not Irish…but it’s what I had for whiskey) all day…and I’m ready to try it out before hitting the bars for some Irish Carbombs & Guinness. Let’s toast to your health & pray we all don’t get “strep throat” again. Have a great night everybody!!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Billy, Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Yet another busy day at work…but I got through it without a scratch. Well, other than that, not a whole lot going on except tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day (big ups to the Mad Scientist for last year’s adventures that I vaguely remember) and I’m sure that I’ll find something around here to do. There’s always the Bar of America, the Tourist Club, a microbrewery and more all within a mile of my house. Pair that with the beautiful weather that we’ve been having…and that could be a little dangerous. You’re all free to join me, of course. You may want to hurry though. I plan on being faded in less than 24 hours. Hmm, I wonder if the office will come down with a case of “strep throat” like last year. Anyway, here’s the news…
Peter Graves - Peter Graves, whose calm and intelligent demeanor was a good fit to the intrigue of "Mission Impossible" as well as the satire of the "Airplane" films, died over the weekend. Graves passed away Sunday just a few days before his 84th birthday outside his home in Los Angeles, publicist Sandy Brokaw said. Graves was returning from brunch with his wife of nearly 60 years (wow…) and his family when he had what Graves' doctor believed was a heart attack, Brokaw said. Graves first gained attention of many baby boomers with the 1950s TV series "Fury," but remained best known for the role of Jim Phelps, leader of a gang of special agents who battled evil conspirators in TV's "Mission: Impossible" and as the pilot of the “Airplane!” movies. He noted during an interview in 2000 that he made his foray into comedy somewhat reluctantly. Filmmakers Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker had written a satire on the airplane-in-trouble movies, and they wanted Graves and fellow handsome actors Lloyd Bridges, Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack to spoof their serious images. On the one hand, he said, he considered the role a challenge, "but it also scared me." "I thought I could lose a whole long acting career," he recalled. Graves was also a champion hurdler in high school in Minnesota, as well as a clarinet player in dance bands and a radio announcer (no doubt where he honed that smooth delivery). After two years in the Air Force, he enrolled at the University of Minnesota as a drama major and worked in summer stock before following his brother west to Hollywood. Whenever I think of Peter Graves, I think of the timeless question, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?” We will miss you, Mr. Graves. Always cool, classy and dignified…even when you’re outside your comfort zone. My condolences to his family.
Shortest Man Dies - The world's shortest man has died in Italy, where he was to take part in a TV show, the program's production company said Tuesday. He Pingping, of China, who was 2 feet, 5.37 inches (74.6 centimeters) tall, had become a recognized figure across the world, often taking part in shows, photo shoots and other events, Guinness World Records said. Craig Glenday, the Guinness World Records editor-in-chief, said He (the name, not the capitalized pronoun referring to God) was "an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual" and "showed us that, despite the challenges we face, we can still make the most out of life." He died Saturday in Rome, according to the TV production company Europroduzione. Guinness World Records said in a press release He was born in 1988 with a form of primordial dwarfism. He was officially measured in March 2008. He was taken to a hospital March 3 after he fell ill while rehearsing the Italian program "The Record Show," Marco Fernandez de Araoz of Europroduzione said. After two days, He was transferred to intensive care, where he was found to have a heart condition and high cholesterol. He said the hospital, where he died, has so far given as his cause of death the heart condition (okay, so the name He & pronoun he in the last sentence was a little confusing). The man's body will be flown to China soon once the paperwork is ready. It’s truly unfortunate. And you can be sure that I’m going to try to Google what TV show he was on in Italy. Dare I imagine… an Italian version of Austin Powers? “Si baby, si.”
Booby Bank – Enough talk about death, let’s get back to what this blog is about, which today, like most days, includes breasts. A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies said a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft. Lukeisha A. Harris was one of three Seattle-area residents arrested Friday as part of an alleged fraud ring. Deputies said they used phony Oregon driver's licenses and counterfeit credit cards to obtain cash advances from Spokane banks. Sheriff's spokesman Dave Reagan said the three were arrested after a worker at one bank reported that they tried to obtain money using a stolen credit card. The investigators followed the ring to two other banks before making the bust. Reagan said that during a search at the Spokane County Jail, guards found that the 24-year-old Harris (who is 6 feet tall and 400 pounds, so not shown in the picture) had the cash hidden in her bra, along with bank receipts. It was not immediately known Saturday if Harris or the other suspects had lawyers. It’s a pretty straight forward story…until I mention that the safety deposit box has yet to be found…and I don’t know about you…but I’m not looking for it.
Mugshot of the Week - Iowa City police arrested a woman who allegedly attacked her sister with the lid of a toilet tank. Nitasha Johnson, of Iowa City, was arrested early Sunday and was charged with domestic abuse assault causing injury and interference with official acts (taking a dump?). According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger (that’s it?). Johnson was taken to the Johnson County jail. She remained in jail on Monday on a $1,500 bond. Jail officials did not know if she had hired an attorney. I just kinda liked the smugness of the mugshot…and the fact that there’s a toilet lid involved in a domestic dispute. Notice they didn’t say what the fight was about. “Nitasha!!! Get outta the f**king bathroom, I’m prairie dogging.” “I’ll get out when I’m damn good & ready.” Oh…and you would be seriously mistaken if you think this is the only toilet humor in this post.
Swiss Crapsmanship – Oh it’s not a typo. A Swiss watchmaker is hoping to raise a stink with an expensive timepiece that eschews the trade's standard gold, diamond or titanium fittings for a more earthy substance — dinosaur dung. Vesenaz, Switzerland-based company Artya says the watch set in fossilized feces will sell for about $12,000 and comes with a strap made with skin from an American cane toad. Designer Yvan Arpa said Monday the coprolite (fancy word for crap) came from a plant-eater that died about 100 million years ago in what is now the U.S. That’s right. There is now a device that you can wear on your wrist wherever you go…that will tell you the exact time with Swiss precision…that is made out of something that a corn-eating sauropod shat out more than 100 million years ago (that’s 8 zeroes) and the only thing separating this prehistoric bowel movement and you…is a strap made of frog skin…and it will cost you about $12,000. Just send me a picture when you buy yours, okay?
Hamburglar - A German woman called the police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight Thursday. She was fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment. Police surrounded the house, drew weapons, the man jumped down from the balcony and tried to escape but was quickly tackled by the police…and then they discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend. The best part is…they arrested him anyway because of an outstanding warrant. "He was trying to surprise her with the flowers and a bottle of wine but it all went wrong," said Korbach police spokesman Volker Koenig. "He nevertheless gave the police who were taking him to jail the bottle of wine as a gesture of thanks for the friendly treatment after the arrest." I could see that. “Danke schoen for not ass-raping me or making me an unwilling costar in a scheisse film.” See ladies…and you wonder why chivalry is dead. Because most of us nice guys still have outstanding warrants for other stuff (in my case it’s mostly indecent exposure, public urination & trying to pick fights with the Governor of California). On another note, did you guys know that I speak German? Or at least did pretty fluently a decade ago? My boss was sent a German travel magazine earlier today and gave it to me. Should be good practice. Ah, now the children’s book from yesterday makes sense, right? That and the link to Ruben auf Deutsch’s blog. Now you know.
Amsterdam Update – You know what? If my company opens up a branch in Amsterdam, I’m just moving there. Get used to the idea. Hell, if the right job comes around (manager of a chocolate factory in the Red Light District?) then I may just move there anyway. A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. I’m going to repeat that just so that it sinks in…so please read every word carefully. A union representing Dutch nurses…will launch a national campaign Friday AGAINST demands for sexual services by patients…who claim it should be part of their STANDARD care. The union, NU'91, is calling the campaign "I Draw The Line Here" (of which I’m curious EXACTLY where that line may be) with an advert that features a young woman covering her face with crossed hands (“No blow with your HMO”?). The union said in a statement Thursday that the campaign follows a complaint it had received in the last week from a 24-year-old woman who said a 42-year-old disabled man asked her to provide sexual services as part of his care at home (it’s worth a shot, right?). According to the union, the young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification (get the f**k out, really?). When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care. "This type of action is not part of the job responsibilities of carers and nurses," NU'91 said. The case has been reported to police, the union added. That’s it. F**k health care reform, I’m moving to Amsterdam where there’s a 50/50 chance that if I ask for an oral exam, it’ll be covered by plan. It boggled the mind to think how happy a nation would be with a plan like that (of course using proper protection). Hell, I wouldn’t mind paying the prison ass-raping price of health insurance if there was a little incentive for staying healthy. “Well Dr. Love, it appears that everything is in order. Your heart rate seems fine, blood pressure’s normal, cholesterol’s a little high but better than your last visit. You’re the image of health. Great job.” “Thanks doc.” “Only one test left…and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave the room while my nurse Camille checks thoroughly for a hernia, any unusual growths and then to make sure all the pipes are working properly.” “Really? Wow, thanks doc.” “Not a problem. Just wait until you reach forty and we have to check your colon too. Which reminds me, I’d better make my appointment. Excuse me.” Do you think people would eat vegetables, work out, get standard checkups, floss, whatever they’ve got to do to be healthy if they’re rewarded like THAT? You betcha. Hell, I do those things based on the thought that I might possibly have the opportunity at some point in the future for consensual sensual activity. At least I would know that my massive deduction from my paycheck was going towards something. Hey Obama, see if you can work this into the plan somehow. By the way, wanna know who told me about this story? My mom. Love ya moms.
Okay, I think that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with that thought…of what could be. Be sure to check out Lilie’s blog as she’ll have some sweet pictures of her visit to New Orleans and be safe out there on St. Patty’s Day. Have a great day everybody!!!
Yet another busy day at work…but I got through it without a scratch. Well, other than that, not a whole lot going on except tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day (big ups to the Mad Scientist for last year’s adventures that I vaguely remember) and I’m sure that I’ll find something around here to do. There’s always the Bar of America, the Tourist Club, a microbrewery and more all within a mile of my house. Pair that with the beautiful weather that we’ve been having…and that could be a little dangerous. You’re all free to join me, of course. You may want to hurry though. I plan on being faded in less than 24 hours. Hmm, I wonder if the office will come down with a case of “strep throat” like last year. Anyway, here’s the news…
Peter Graves - Peter Graves, whose calm and intelligent demeanor was a good fit to the intrigue of "Mission Impossible" as well as the satire of the "Airplane" films, died over the weekend. Graves passed away Sunday just a few days before his 84th birthday outside his home in Los Angeles, publicist Sandy Brokaw said. Graves was returning from brunch with his wife of nearly 60 years (wow…) and his family when he had what Graves' doctor believed was a heart attack, Brokaw said. Graves first gained attention of many baby boomers with the 1950s TV series "Fury," but remained best known for the role of Jim Phelps, leader of a gang of special agents who battled evil conspirators in TV's "Mission: Impossible" and as the pilot of the “Airplane!” movies. He noted during an interview in 2000 that he made his foray into comedy somewhat reluctantly. Filmmakers Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker had written a satire on the airplane-in-trouble movies, and they wanted Graves and fellow handsome actors Lloyd Bridges, Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack to spoof their serious images. On the one hand, he said, he considered the role a challenge, "but it also scared me." "I thought I could lose a whole long acting career," he recalled. Graves was also a champion hurdler in high school in Minnesota, as well as a clarinet player in dance bands and a radio announcer (no doubt where he honed that smooth delivery). After two years in the Air Force, he enrolled at the University of Minnesota as a drama major and worked in summer stock before following his brother west to Hollywood. Whenever I think of Peter Graves, I think of the timeless question, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?” We will miss you, Mr. Graves. Always cool, classy and dignified…even when you’re outside your comfort zone. My condolences to his family.
Shortest Man Dies - The world's shortest man has died in Italy, where he was to take part in a TV show, the program's production company said Tuesday. He Pingping, of China, who was 2 feet, 5.37 inches (74.6 centimeters) tall, had become a recognized figure across the world, often taking part in shows, photo shoots and other events, Guinness World Records said. Craig Glenday, the Guinness World Records editor-in-chief, said He (the name, not the capitalized pronoun referring to God) was "an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual" and "showed us that, despite the challenges we face, we can still make the most out of life." He died Saturday in Rome, according to the TV production company Europroduzione. Guinness World Records said in a press release He was born in 1988 with a form of primordial dwarfism. He was officially measured in March 2008. He was taken to a hospital March 3 after he fell ill while rehearsing the Italian program "The Record Show," Marco Fernandez de Araoz of Europroduzione said. After two days, He was transferred to intensive care, where he was found to have a heart condition and high cholesterol. He said the hospital, where he died, has so far given as his cause of death the heart condition (okay, so the name He & pronoun he in the last sentence was a little confusing). The man's body will be flown to China soon once the paperwork is ready. It’s truly unfortunate. And you can be sure that I’m going to try to Google what TV show he was on in Italy. Dare I imagine… an Italian version of Austin Powers? “Si baby, si.”
Booby Bank – Enough talk about death, let’s get back to what this blog is about, which today, like most days, includes breasts. A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies said a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft. Lukeisha A. Harris was one of three Seattle-area residents arrested Friday as part of an alleged fraud ring. Deputies said they used phony Oregon driver's licenses and counterfeit credit cards to obtain cash advances from Spokane banks. Sheriff's spokesman Dave Reagan said the three were arrested after a worker at one bank reported that they tried to obtain money using a stolen credit card. The investigators followed the ring to two other banks before making the bust. Reagan said that during a search at the Spokane County Jail, guards found that the 24-year-old Harris (who is 6 feet tall and 400 pounds, so not shown in the picture) had the cash hidden in her bra, along with bank receipts. It was not immediately known Saturday if Harris or the other suspects had lawyers. It’s a pretty straight forward story…until I mention that the safety deposit box has yet to be found…and I don’t know about you…but I’m not looking for it.
Mugshot of the Week - Iowa City police arrested a woman who allegedly attacked her sister with the lid of a toilet tank. Nitasha Johnson, of Iowa City, was arrested early Sunday and was charged with domestic abuse assault causing injury and interference with official acts (taking a dump?). According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger (that’s it?). Johnson was taken to the Johnson County jail. She remained in jail on Monday on a $1,500 bond. Jail officials did not know if she had hired an attorney. I just kinda liked the smugness of the mugshot…and the fact that there’s a toilet lid involved in a domestic dispute. Notice they didn’t say what the fight was about. “Nitasha!!! Get outta the f**king bathroom, I’m prairie dogging.” “I’ll get out when I’m damn good & ready.” Oh…and you would be seriously mistaken if you think this is the only toilet humor in this post.
Swiss Crapsmanship – Oh it’s not a typo. A Swiss watchmaker is hoping to raise a stink with an expensive timepiece that eschews the trade's standard gold, diamond or titanium fittings for a more earthy substance — dinosaur dung. Vesenaz, Switzerland-based company Artya says the watch set in fossilized feces will sell for about $12,000 and comes with a strap made with skin from an American cane toad. Designer Yvan Arpa said Monday the coprolite (fancy word for crap) came from a plant-eater that died about 100 million years ago in what is now the U.S. That’s right. There is now a device that you can wear on your wrist wherever you go…that will tell you the exact time with Swiss precision…that is made out of something that a corn-eating sauropod shat out more than 100 million years ago (that’s 8 zeroes) and the only thing separating this prehistoric bowel movement and you…is a strap made of frog skin…and it will cost you about $12,000. Just send me a picture when you buy yours, okay?
Hamburglar - A German woman called the police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight Thursday. She was fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment. Police surrounded the house, drew weapons, the man jumped down from the balcony and tried to escape but was quickly tackled by the police…and then they discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend. The best part is…they arrested him anyway because of an outstanding warrant. "He was trying to surprise her with the flowers and a bottle of wine but it all went wrong," said Korbach police spokesman Volker Koenig. "He nevertheless gave the police who were taking him to jail the bottle of wine as a gesture of thanks for the friendly treatment after the arrest." I could see that. “Danke schoen for not ass-raping me or making me an unwilling costar in a scheisse film.” See ladies…and you wonder why chivalry is dead. Because most of us nice guys still have outstanding warrants for other stuff (in my case it’s mostly indecent exposure, public urination & trying to pick fights with the Governor of California). On another note, did you guys know that I speak German? Or at least did pretty fluently a decade ago? My boss was sent a German travel magazine earlier today and gave it to me. Should be good practice. Ah, now the children’s book from yesterday makes sense, right? That and the link to Ruben auf Deutsch’s blog. Now you know.
Amsterdam Update – You know what? If my company opens up a branch in Amsterdam, I’m just moving there. Get used to the idea. Hell, if the right job comes around (manager of a chocolate factory in the Red Light District?) then I may just move there anyway. A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. I’m going to repeat that just so that it sinks in…so please read every word carefully. A union representing Dutch nurses…will launch a national campaign Friday AGAINST demands for sexual services by patients…who claim it should be part of their STANDARD care. The union, NU'91, is calling the campaign "I Draw The Line Here" (of which I’m curious EXACTLY where that line may be) with an advert that features a young woman covering her face with crossed hands (“No blow with your HMO”?). The union said in a statement Thursday that the campaign follows a complaint it had received in the last week from a 24-year-old woman who said a 42-year-old disabled man asked her to provide sexual services as part of his care at home (it’s worth a shot, right?). According to the union, the young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification (get the f**k out, really?). When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care. "This type of action is not part of the job responsibilities of carers and nurses," NU'91 said. The case has been reported to police, the union added. That’s it. F**k health care reform, I’m moving to Amsterdam where there’s a 50/50 chance that if I ask for an oral exam, it’ll be covered by plan. It boggled the mind to think how happy a nation would be with a plan like that (of course using proper protection). Hell, I wouldn’t mind paying the prison ass-raping price of health insurance if there was a little incentive for staying healthy. “Well Dr. Love, it appears that everything is in order. Your heart rate seems fine, blood pressure’s normal, cholesterol’s a little high but better than your last visit. You’re the image of health. Great job.” “Thanks doc.” “Only one test left…and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave the room while my nurse Camille checks thoroughly for a hernia, any unusual growths and then to make sure all the pipes are working properly.” “Really? Wow, thanks doc.” “Not a problem. Just wait until you reach forty and we have to check your colon too. Which reminds me, I’d better make my appointment. Excuse me.” Do you think people would eat vegetables, work out, get standard checkups, floss, whatever they’ve got to do to be healthy if they’re rewarded like THAT? You betcha. Hell, I do those things based on the thought that I might possibly have the opportunity at some point in the future for consensual sensual activity. At least I would know that my massive deduction from my paycheck was going towards something. Hey Obama, see if you can work this into the plan somehow. By the way, wanna know who told me about this story? My mom. Love ya moms.Okay, I think that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with that thought…of what could be. Be sure to check out Lilie’s blog as she’ll have some sweet pictures of her visit to New Orleans and be safe out there on St. Patty’s Day. Have a great day everybody!!!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tahoe Weekend With Mama
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
As you might have suspected, the weekend with my mother was splendid. She told me it was the first time in over a year that she was able to relax so I’m glad that she was able to visit. Friday morning, I went to Reno airport, picked her up, and we enjoyed the ultimate American breakfast of In-n-Out Burger (they even opened early, just for us). After that, it was kind of gloomy so we headed back to Truckee. I took her to see my office & meet my bosses but then it started to snow. That’s right, the evening of the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl…and it’s snowing. Not just snowing either, but snowing about 6-8 inches…and windy. So we decided to just have our own little pub crawl in my apartment. Well, first we walked to the Fifty Fifty Brewery two blocks from my apartment and had some wonderful food & okay Hot Toddies (it was snowing outside…and we walked). Then we went home and she wanted to see a movie. When the sun went down, we saw a few movies this weekend…and she picked…but not your typical movies that you’d watch with your mom. What movies? How about Step Brothers, Inglorious Basterds & Knocked Up? Oh yeah…and she loved them all. That’s my mama. Anyway, here are some pictures…
As you might have suspected, the weekend with my mother was splendid. She told me it was the first time in over a year that she was able to relax so I’m glad that she was able to visit. Friday morning, I went to Reno airport, picked her up, and we enjoyed the ultimate American breakfast of In-n-Out Burger (they even opened early, just for us). After that, it was kind of gloomy so we headed back to Truckee. I took her to see my office & meet my bosses but then it started to snow. That’s right, the evening of the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl…and it’s snowing. Not just snowing either, but snowing about 6-8 inches…and windy. So we decided to just have our own little pub crawl in my apartment. Well, first we walked to the Fifty Fifty Brewery two blocks from my apartment and had some wonderful food & okay Hot Toddies (it was snowing outside…and we walked). Then we went home and she wanted to see a movie. When the sun went down, we saw a few movies this weekend…and she picked…but not your typical movies that you’d watch with your mom. What movies? How about Step Brothers, Inglorious Basterds & Knocked Up? Oh yeah…and she loved them all. That’s my mama. Anyway, here are some pictures…
Saturday was a beautiful sunny day…and the snow quickly melted off the roads (and the plows helped) so we drove around to Squaw Valley & Tahoe City. We checked out a few shops and…I don’t want to alarm you…but I bought some books. (GASP!!!) Yes…and not just books with pictures of naked ladies either. In fact, these books…were mostly words…and had nothing to do with zombies or dinosaurs or anything that would make Penthouse Forum. I know. It’s weird to me too. So what did I get? Well, one is a graduation present for JL Clyde when I visit in May, so I can’t tell you…but it is awesome. Another was a Lonely Planet guide to Barcelona…and as expected, I hit most of the cool spots, but in case I make it over there again, now I can hit the rest. There was also a children’s book (so yeah, some pictures) but it has twice the words of a standard children’s book. Why? Because it’s in English…and German. So I can teach Kairi & Vinny some German when they come to visit and they’ll be calling Grandma “Prinzessin” in no time.
The last one was a book of excerpts from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 1983 & 1984. For those who are not aware of this contest, it’s where thousands (possibly millions now) of aspiring authors attempt to write the worst opening sentence to a novel (that may or may not exist). It’s named after the Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton was is famous for starting his 1830 novel “Paul Clifford“ with “It was a Dark & Stormy Night…” (and you thought it was just Snoopy) but oddly enough, he was the 2nd most popular novelist of his time (behind Charles Dickens). Go ahead and Google him, you may know some of his stories…or at least some excerpts like “The Pen is mightier than the sword” and “the almighty dollar” and he even wrote “The Last Days of Pompeii” among others. As for the book, it’s quite ridiculous…and I enjoy it.
Where was I? Oh yes, Tahoe City. We also ate at Blue Agave and wandered about aimlessly. Here are some pictures…
Saturday night, we went to downtown Truckee to find a bar to get our drink on. The Bar of America was completely packed…so we wandered down the street to Pianeta and had some patron margaritas and warm bread…and we were good. Sunday was another beautiful day, so I drove her over to Donner Lake and we walked around downtown Truckee so that she could do some window shopping. We also ate at Coffee And which is a great little place with reasonable prices (and a great bleu bacon burger) so we were entertained until sundown…and then she wanted to relax by the fireplace and watch movies. More pictures…
In case you don't know...my mom LOVES cocks
"See mom? I told you..."
Drain Stopper + Rooster = Cock Blocker!!!
Monday, I went to work for a half-day then we spent the afternoon in Reno. We started with lunch (again at In-n-Out, probably a good thing there’s not one in Truckee and/or SLC) then gambled a bit at the Nugget in Victorian Square. After that, we had a few hours to burn…so my mom wanted to get her eyebrows waxed at a place by the casino. Then she started trying to convince me that I should too…and get some highlights. At first, I was quite resistant. I have never really given a damn about my hair. I mean… I wash it daily and all that… but I’ve never dyed, fried, curled, permed, or really anything to my hair other than comb it. I don’t even use hairspray or that gel stuff or anything. I just let it grow…and cut it once in a while…like it’s a lawn or something. After a few minutes of nagging, I decided that we’d give it a shot…and worst-case, it would grow out in a month and we would never speak of it again. End result: I really can’t tell much. The eyebrows are still big, powerful & thick…and the hair is obviously lighter but not a whole lot. It just looks like I’ve seen some sun in the past six months. Of course I still look sexy…like a mix of Brad Pitt & Will Smith (squinty eyes, great smile, facial features chiseled by the Gods themselves, big ears) so yeah, we’ll see how it goes. Oh, you want pictures of that? Well, maybe someday…but until then, here’s some of Reno…
She absolutely LOVES 'em
After that, I dropped her off at the airport, headed home & tried to catch up on some emails since I had basically taken four days off…which apparently I can never do again because it’s so busy without me there to do all the work. Okay, not that bad…but I was told that it was quite hectic and had plenty of work waiting for me. So yeah, that was the weekend. Fun, huh? I thought so. Hope you enjoyed it too. Have a great day everybody!!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
By Merlin's Beard
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
So…apparently I was given some incorrect information about Weber State winning last night…and the Grizzlies of Montana came from 20 points down at the half to win in the final seconds. Oh well, that’s okay. Why? Because my mom’s going to be visiting in a matter of hours. Sure we’ve got some plans for gambling, In-n-Out Burger, pub crawl, snowmen, downtown Truckee, all that stuff…but honestly, it’s her vacation…so if she just wants to relax by the fireplace and watch HGTV, then she can do that too. I know she needs a vacation. It’s gonna be epic. In the meantime, here’s the news…
Merlin Olsen - Pro Football Hall of Famer, former television actor, & Utah legend Merlin Olsen has died. He was 69. Utah State, Olsen's alma mater, said he died outside of Los Angeles early Thursday after battling cancer. He was diagnosed with mesothelioma, a cancer of the lung lining, last year. "This was the voice of a man who not only became one of our country's most decorated athletes, but also one of the most accomplished and respected people ever to hail from the state of Utah," said Stan Albrecht, president of Utah State. Olsen was an All-American at Utah State and a first-round draft pick of the Los Angles Rams in 1962. The burley giant from northern Utah joined Deacon Jones, Lamar Lundy and Rosey Grier on the Rams' storied "Fearsome Foursome" defensive line known for either stopping or knocking backward whatever offenses it faced. The Rams set an NFL record for the fewest yards allowed during a 14-game season in 1968. Olsen was rookie of the year for the Rams in 1962 and is still the Rams' all-time leader in career tackles with 915. He was named to 14 consecutive Pro Bowls, a string that started his rookie year. Olsen was also an established television actor with a role on "Little House on the Prairie," then starring in his own series, "Father Murphy," from 1981 to 1983 and the short-lived "Aaron's Way" in 1988. Olsen was a consensus All-American at Utah State and won the 1961 Outland Trophy as the nation's best interior lineman. The Rams drafted Olsen third overall in 1962 and he spent the next 15 years with the team before retiring in 1976. Utah State honored Olsen in December by naming the football field at Romney Stadium "Merlin Olsen Field." Because of his illness, Olsen's alma mater didn't want to wait until football season and made the announcement during halftime of a basketball game. Olsen was well enough to attend, but did not speak at the event. He stood and smiled as he waved to fans during a standing ovation and chants of "Merlin Olsen!" and "Aggie Legend!" Utah State is also planning a statue of Olsen at the southeast corner of the stadium. The Rams also honored Olsen during a game Dec. 20, with a video tribute narrated by Dick Enberg, Olsen's longtime broadcast partner. Olsen did not attend because of his health. His name was already part of the Ring of Fame inside the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis along with other franchise standouts. He was voted NFC defensive lineman of the year in 1973 and the NFL MVP in 1974, and was voted to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1982. So it is a sad day for those of us who grew up hearing the legends of Merlin…but at least he’s not in pain anymore. My condolences to the Olsen Family, the Aggie Nation and all the lives that he’s magically touched over the years.
My Big Fat Greek Recession – Anybody watching the world news anymore? I typically don’t but once in a while I watch the stuff on the market once in a while…and the Daily Show fills in the rest. Seriously, they’re probably the best news network out there…and they don’t even know it. Anyway, Greece is having problems. Serious street clashes erupted between rioting youths and police in central Athens Thursday as some 30,000 people demonstrated during a nationwide strike against the cash-strapped government's austerity measures. Hundreds of masked and hooded youths punched and kicked motorcycle police, knocking several off their bikes, as riot police responded with volleys of tear gas and stun grenades. The violence spread after the end of the march to a nearby square, where police faced off with stone-throwing anarchists and suffocating clouds of tear gas sent patrons scurrying from open-air cafes. Police say 12 suspected rioters were detained and two officers were injured. Rioters used sledge hammers to smash the glass fronts of more than a dozen shops, banks, jewelers and a cinema. Youths also set fire to rubbish bins and a car, smashed bus stops, and chopped blocks off marble balustrades and building facades to use as projectiles. Thursday's strike (the second in a week) brought the country to a virtual standstill, grounding all flights and bringing public transport to a halt. State hospitals were left with emergency staff only and all news broadcasts were suspended as workers walked off the job for 24 hours to protest spending cuts and tax hikes designed to tackle the country's debt crisis. Riot police made heavy use of tear gas during the start-and-stop clashes throughout the demonstration, including outside Parliament. Strikers and protesters banged drums and chanted slogans such as "no sacrifice for plutocracy" (wow, that’s a chant) and "real jobs, higher pay." People draped banners from apartment buildings reading: "No more sacrifices, war against war" (Seems like an odd idea to me) The demonstrators included hundreds of black-clad anarchists in crash helmets and ski masks, who repeatedly taunted and attacked riot police with stones and petrol bombs, at one point spraying officers with brown paint. Shopkeepers along the demonstration route hastily rolled down their shutters, while a few blocks away, people sat at outdoor restaurants, nonchalantly continuing their meals. Tear gas gently wafted through the city center's streets, sending businessmen in suits scurrying for cover, their eyes streaming. Minor clashes also broke out in the northern city of Thessaloniki, where about 14,000 people marched through the center. Fears of a Greek default have undermined the Euro for all 16 countries that share it, putting the Greek government under intense European Union pressure to quickly show fiscal improvement. It has announced an additional 48 billion Euro ($65.33 billion) in savings through public sector salary cuts, hiring and pension freezes and consumer tax hikes to deal with its ballooning deficit, but the measures have led to a new wave of labor discontent. The cutbacks, added to a previous 11.2 billion Euro ($15.24 billion) austerity plan, seek to reduce the country's budget deficit from 12.7% of annual output to 8.7% this year. The long-term target is to bring overspending below the EU ceiling of 3% of GDP in 2012. The new plan sparked a wave of strikes and protests from labor unions whose reaction to the initial austerity measures had been muted. Thursday's strike shut down all public services and schools, leaving ferries tied up at port and suspending all news broadcasts for the day. However, some private bank branches were open despite calls from the bank employees' union to participate in the strike (ugh…that’s when I would rob it too). While their colleagues clashed with groups of protesters, some police joined the demonstration. About 200 uniformed police, coast guard and fire brigade officers, who cannot go on strike but can hold protests, gathered at a square in the center of the city shortly before the marches got under way. "The police and other security forces have been particularly hard hit by the new measures because our salaries are very low," said Yiannis Fanariotis, general secretary of one police association. He said the average policeman made about 1,000-1,200 Euro ($1,360-$1,635) a month if weekend and night shifts were included. Joining the protest "doesn't feel strange, because we are working people like everybody else and we are all shouting out for our rights," he said. The government says the tough cuts are its only way to dig Greece out of a crisis that has hammered the common European currency and alarmed international markets — inflating the loan-dependent country's borrowing costs. But unions say ordinary Greeks are being called to pay a disproportionate price for past fiscal mismanagement. "They are trying to make workers pay the price for this crisis," said Yiannis Panagopoulos, leader of Greece's largest union, the GSEE. "These measures will not be effective and will throw the economy into deep freeze." A general strike last Friday was marred by violence during a large protest march. Riot police used tear gas and baton charges against rock-throwing protesters, who smashed banks and storefronts, while left-wing protesters roughed up Panagopoulos as he was addressing a rally. The labor unrest could spark fears that the government will have trouble in implementing its new measures. Greece insists it doesn't need a bailout (at least by that name apparently), and its European partners are reluctant to fund one (having their own problems). But it has called for European and international support for its program, saying that unless it receives that support and the cost for it to borrow on the market falls, it might have to appeal to the International Monetary Fund for help (you know, the group of nations that funds Africa). So basically, they’re getting desperate.
Here’s what I never understood about rioting, especially in this case. Your country is in financial torment, so what’s the solution? Stop working and go destroy the city of Athens. What is that going to solve? Granted, it’s great to get all the anger out (which I assume is that liquid rage coming out of your eyes as the tear gas is fired) but destroying the center of your country’s political & financial sector…as well as one of the most historically significant cities of all time…and vandalizing shops that somebody has to try to run a business at later in the week…and utilizing police resources that are leaving other facilities unprotected from other vandals, it just doesn’t seem like a brilliant plan. You’re angry…and I respect that. You want change, we all do. The world is pretty much in crisis…but destroying it isn’t the answer. What’s the solution? I’m not sure…but what I do know is that rioting and destroying the Parliament buildings is only going to make things worse. Think about it. That’s like saying Hurricane Katrina revolutionized downtown New Orleans by whipping it clean. Anyway, glad you could get your anger out…and now let’s discuss alternatives and solutions in a respectable manner…as opposed to having “No more sacrifices, war against war” on a poster board. What does that even mean? How can you have a war without sacrifices? Thumb war? A group of wise men once said, “War (huuh, yeah) what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” Let’s talk about this rationally before we go “300” on each other’s asses again, okay? I don’t care how loud you say it, this isn’t Sparta. That is…until rioting starts in Sparta. Then my argument is screwed. Anyway, enough of this depressing stuff…
Separation of Church & Bate - Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames, Iowa man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night. Police summoned to the church Friday by staff, found the man trying to haul away a garbage can filled with food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronic equipment and a 26-inch flat-screen television. Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested. The man was being held at the Story County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. The real question is…why is the church the only place in town with a working VCR? And why is it hooked up to a 26-inch flat-screen? Sigh… I can’t say much. My VCR is currently connected to a 27-inch TV in my bedroom (stop it, I don’t have any porn…except the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs my brother bought me but they suck…and frankly, I don’t have anywhere else to put the TV, it’s not being used much). And I’ve also hooked it up to the projector TV before to watch “Romancing the Stone” (I didn’t have the DVD at the time). Anyway, that’s not important. I’m told there’s a special hell for people who masturbate in a church (but then again, I’m also told it makes you go blind) and I’m sorry unidentified man seeking spanktuary. Tehehe, that reminds me of this club I went to in Scotland…that was basically a church transformed into a club… and I was there with this 16-year-old hottie from work… and after a few drinks there were these other girls that sat at the table…ah, you don’t wanna hear this story. Hope I don’t meet you in that special spanktuary hell, sir. Speaking of joysticks…
Take That Wii - Sony has a new message for Nintendo Wii gamers: Come join us. The Japanese maker of the PlayStation 3 unveiled Thursday its highly anticipated motion controlling system, as it takes aim at Nintendo's dominance in the gaming sector. With the "PlayStation Move," Sony hopes to lure gamers who have outgrown Nintendo, which launched the Wii in 2006 and became the first to introduce motion-detecting controllers. Peter Dille, senior vice president of marketing for Sony Computer Entertainment, credited Nintendo Co. for "introducing motion gaming to the masses." Now it's time for them to graduate to the PlayStation, which offers a new experience for both casual and hard-core gamers, he said at a press conference in San Francisco. "The migration path from the Wii household to the PlayStation 3 household is a pretty natural path, partly because of the experience that you can get on the PlayStation Move but also because of the content that we find on PlayStation 3," Dille said. Used with the existing PlayStation Eye camera, Sony's new wireless motion controller can track players' body movements. The controller, in turn, has on its end a light-emitting orb that is recognized by the camera. "Nothing has ever been this precise," said Shuhei Yoshida, president of Sony Computer Electronics Worldwide Studios. The PlayStation Move will go on sale this fall. Complete details of prices have not been released, but a starter bundle including the PlayStation Eye, motion controller and one game (Spanktuary 3?) will retail for under $100, Dille said. Major game publishers such as Activision Blizzard Inc., Electronic Arts Inc. and Square Enix are developing Move-compatible games. The latest announcement comes as both Sony and Microsoft Corp., maker of the Xbox 360, attempt to gain ground on Nintendo. Since the Wii first hit stores, it has consistently outsold rivals by attracting casual and nontraditional gamers like women and seniors. Microsoft is planning its own offensive this year as well with its "Project Natal." Natal, which combines a camera, depth sensor, microphone and processor, eliminates the need for any button-mashing device (remember yesterday and my Back to the Future gripe? Somebody’s listening out there). Microsoft is expected to release Natal in time for the Christmas shopping season but has not set a specific date. Although demand for the Wii has slowed in recent months, it remained the most popular console among Americans in January with 465,000 units sold, according to market researcher NPD Group. Microsoft sold 332,800 units of the Xbox 360, trailed by 276,900 PlayStation 3 units. “So $teve, will you be getting one of those controllers?” Probably. I’ve been intrigued by the Wii (though have still yet to play it) and I can only imagine how bad-ass playing tennis or a boxing game or whatever would be standing up…with my projector TV wall. Could be pretty sweet. We’ll see how it goes though. Honestly, I don’t play my PS3 much. I’ve played it probably less than a tenth of the time my brother has talked to me on the phone about it. I’m pretty sure he’s already pre-ordered this PlayStation Move (not to be confused with Movement). We shall see.
Well, I’d better get ready for my mom’s visit in the morning. By the way, have I told you how excited I am? Because I kinda am. It’s how I keep from being jealous that Lilie is going to New Orleans this weekend with her mom. I’ve gotta go visit the Big Easy again some time soon. Still have those free flights with Southwest… but we’ll see. My summer may just be a lot of wild & crazy adventures. Also, five weeks until I start my epic road trip across the Western US. Still availability if you want to hitch a ride for any leg of the trip. Remember, there are stops in San Francisco, Monterey, Hollywood, San Diego, Las Vegas, Slick City, & then back to Tahoe…and everywhere in between. It’s gonna be fantastic. Have a great day everybody!!!
So…apparently I was given some incorrect information about Weber State winning last night…and the Grizzlies of Montana came from 20 points down at the half to win in the final seconds. Oh well, that’s okay. Why? Because my mom’s going to be visiting in a matter of hours. Sure we’ve got some plans for gambling, In-n-Out Burger, pub crawl, snowmen, downtown Truckee, all that stuff…but honestly, it’s her vacation…so if she just wants to relax by the fireplace and watch HGTV, then she can do that too. I know she needs a vacation. It’s gonna be epic. In the meantime, here’s the news…
Merlin Olsen - Pro Football Hall of Famer, former television actor, & Utah legend Merlin Olsen has died. He was 69. Utah State, Olsen's alma mater, said he died outside of Los Angeles early Thursday after battling cancer. He was diagnosed with mesothelioma, a cancer of the lung lining, last year. "This was the voice of a man who not only became one of our country's most decorated athletes, but also one of the most accomplished and respected people ever to hail from the state of Utah," said Stan Albrecht, president of Utah State. Olsen was an All-American at Utah State and a first-round draft pick of the Los Angles Rams in 1962. The burley giant from northern Utah joined Deacon Jones, Lamar Lundy and Rosey Grier on the Rams' storied "Fearsome Foursome" defensive line known for either stopping or knocking backward whatever offenses it faced. The Rams set an NFL record for the fewest yards allowed during a 14-game season in 1968. Olsen was rookie of the year for the Rams in 1962 and is still the Rams' all-time leader in career tackles with 915. He was named to 14 consecutive Pro Bowls, a string that started his rookie year. Olsen was also an established television actor with a role on "Little House on the Prairie," then starring in his own series, "Father Murphy," from 1981 to 1983 and the short-lived "Aaron's Way" in 1988. Olsen was a consensus All-American at Utah State and won the 1961 Outland Trophy as the nation's best interior lineman. The Rams drafted Olsen third overall in 1962 and he spent the next 15 years with the team before retiring in 1976. Utah State honored Olsen in December by naming the football field at Romney Stadium "Merlin Olsen Field." Because of his illness, Olsen's alma mater didn't want to wait until football season and made the announcement during halftime of a basketball game. Olsen was well enough to attend, but did not speak at the event. He stood and smiled as he waved to fans during a standing ovation and chants of "Merlin Olsen!" and "Aggie Legend!" Utah State is also planning a statue of Olsen at the southeast corner of the stadium. The Rams also honored Olsen during a game Dec. 20, with a video tribute narrated by Dick Enberg, Olsen's longtime broadcast partner. Olsen did not attend because of his health. His name was already part of the Ring of Fame inside the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis along with other franchise standouts. He was voted NFC defensive lineman of the year in 1973 and the NFL MVP in 1974, and was voted to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1982. So it is a sad day for those of us who grew up hearing the legends of Merlin…but at least he’s not in pain anymore. My condolences to the Olsen Family, the Aggie Nation and all the lives that he’s magically touched over the years.
My Big Fat Greek Recession – Anybody watching the world news anymore? I typically don’t but once in a while I watch the stuff on the market once in a while…and the Daily Show fills in the rest. Seriously, they’re probably the best news network out there…and they don’t even know it. Anyway, Greece is having problems. Serious street clashes erupted between rioting youths and police in central Athens Thursday as some 30,000 people demonstrated during a nationwide strike against the cash-strapped government's austerity measures. Hundreds of masked and hooded youths punched and kicked motorcycle police, knocking several off their bikes, as riot police responded with volleys of tear gas and stun grenades. The violence spread after the end of the march to a nearby square, where police faced off with stone-throwing anarchists and suffocating clouds of tear gas sent patrons scurrying from open-air cafes. Police say 12 suspected rioters were detained and two officers were injured. Rioters used sledge hammers to smash the glass fronts of more than a dozen shops, banks, jewelers and a cinema. Youths also set fire to rubbish bins and a car, smashed bus stops, and chopped blocks off marble balustrades and building facades to use as projectiles. Thursday's strike (the second in a week) brought the country to a virtual standstill, grounding all flights and bringing public transport to a halt. State hospitals were left with emergency staff only and all news broadcasts were suspended as workers walked off the job for 24 hours to protest spending cuts and tax hikes designed to tackle the country's debt crisis. Riot police made heavy use of tear gas during the start-and-stop clashes throughout the demonstration, including outside Parliament. Strikers and protesters banged drums and chanted slogans such as "no sacrifice for plutocracy" (wow, that’s a chant) and "real jobs, higher pay." People draped banners from apartment buildings reading: "No more sacrifices, war against war" (Seems like an odd idea to me) The demonstrators included hundreds of black-clad anarchists in crash helmets and ski masks, who repeatedly taunted and attacked riot police with stones and petrol bombs, at one point spraying officers with brown paint. Shopkeepers along the demonstration route hastily rolled down their shutters, while a few blocks away, people sat at outdoor restaurants, nonchalantly continuing their meals. Tear gas gently wafted through the city center's streets, sending businessmen in suits scurrying for cover, their eyes streaming. Minor clashes also broke out in the northern city of Thessaloniki, where about 14,000 people marched through the center. Fears of a Greek default have undermined the Euro for all 16 countries that share it, putting the Greek government under intense European Union pressure to quickly show fiscal improvement. It has announced an additional 48 billion Euro ($65.33 billion) in savings through public sector salary cuts, hiring and pension freezes and consumer tax hikes to deal with its ballooning deficit, but the measures have led to a new wave of labor discontent. The cutbacks, added to a previous 11.2 billion Euro ($15.24 billion) austerity plan, seek to reduce the country's budget deficit from 12.7% of annual output to 8.7% this year. The long-term target is to bring overspending below the EU ceiling of 3% of GDP in 2012. The new plan sparked a wave of strikes and protests from labor unions whose reaction to the initial austerity measures had been muted. Thursday's strike shut down all public services and schools, leaving ferries tied up at port and suspending all news broadcasts for the day. However, some private bank branches were open despite calls from the bank employees' union to participate in the strike (ugh…that’s when I would rob it too). While their colleagues clashed with groups of protesters, some police joined the demonstration. About 200 uniformed police, coast guard and fire brigade officers, who cannot go on strike but can hold protests, gathered at a square in the center of the city shortly before the marches got under way. "The police and other security forces have been particularly hard hit by the new measures because our salaries are very low," said Yiannis Fanariotis, general secretary of one police association. He said the average policeman made about 1,000-1,200 Euro ($1,360-$1,635) a month if weekend and night shifts were included. Joining the protest "doesn't feel strange, because we are working people like everybody else and we are all shouting out for our rights," he said. The government says the tough cuts are its only way to dig Greece out of a crisis that has hammered the common European currency and alarmed international markets — inflating the loan-dependent country's borrowing costs. But unions say ordinary Greeks are being called to pay a disproportionate price for past fiscal mismanagement. "They are trying to make workers pay the price for this crisis," said Yiannis Panagopoulos, leader of Greece's largest union, the GSEE. "These measures will not be effective and will throw the economy into deep freeze." A general strike last Friday was marred by violence during a large protest march. Riot police used tear gas and baton charges against rock-throwing protesters, who smashed banks and storefronts, while left-wing protesters roughed up Panagopoulos as he was addressing a rally. The labor unrest could spark fears that the government will have trouble in implementing its new measures. Greece insists it doesn't need a bailout (at least by that name apparently), and its European partners are reluctant to fund one (having their own problems). But it has called for European and international support for its program, saying that unless it receives that support and the cost for it to borrow on the market falls, it might have to appeal to the International Monetary Fund for help (you know, the group of nations that funds Africa). So basically, they’re getting desperate.
Here’s what I never understood about rioting, especially in this case. Your country is in financial torment, so what’s the solution? Stop working and go destroy the city of Athens. What is that going to solve? Granted, it’s great to get all the anger out (which I assume is that liquid rage coming out of your eyes as the tear gas is fired) but destroying the center of your country’s political & financial sector…as well as one of the most historically significant cities of all time…and vandalizing shops that somebody has to try to run a business at later in the week…and utilizing police resources that are leaving other facilities unprotected from other vandals, it just doesn’t seem like a brilliant plan. You’re angry…and I respect that. You want change, we all do. The world is pretty much in crisis…but destroying it isn’t the answer. What’s the solution? I’m not sure…but what I do know is that rioting and destroying the Parliament buildings is only going to make things worse. Think about it. That’s like saying Hurricane Katrina revolutionized downtown New Orleans by whipping it clean. Anyway, glad you could get your anger out…and now let’s discuss alternatives and solutions in a respectable manner…as opposed to having “No more sacrifices, war against war” on a poster board. What does that even mean? How can you have a war without sacrifices? Thumb war? A group of wise men once said, “War (huuh, yeah) what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” Let’s talk about this rationally before we go “300” on each other’s asses again, okay? I don’t care how loud you say it, this isn’t Sparta. That is…until rioting starts in Sparta. Then my argument is screwed. Anyway, enough of this depressing stuff…
Separation of Church & Bate - Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames, Iowa man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night. Police summoned to the church Friday by staff, found the man trying to haul away a garbage can filled with food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronic equipment and a 26-inch flat-screen television. Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested. The man was being held at the Story County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. The real question is…why is the church the only place in town with a working VCR? And why is it hooked up to a 26-inch flat-screen? Sigh… I can’t say much. My VCR is currently connected to a 27-inch TV in my bedroom (stop it, I don’t have any porn…except the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs my brother bought me but they suck…and frankly, I don’t have anywhere else to put the TV, it’s not being used much). And I’ve also hooked it up to the projector TV before to watch “Romancing the Stone” (I didn’t have the DVD at the time). Anyway, that’s not important. I’m told there’s a special hell for people who masturbate in a church (but then again, I’m also told it makes you go blind) and I’m sorry unidentified man seeking spanktuary. Tehehe, that reminds me of this club I went to in Scotland…that was basically a church transformed into a club… and I was there with this 16-year-old hottie from work… and after a few drinks there were these other girls that sat at the table…ah, you don’t wanna hear this story. Hope I don’t meet you in that special spanktuary hell, sir. Speaking of joysticks…
Take That Wii - Sony has a new message for Nintendo Wii gamers: Come join us. The Japanese maker of the PlayStation 3 unveiled Thursday its highly anticipated motion controlling system, as it takes aim at Nintendo's dominance in the gaming sector. With the "PlayStation Move," Sony hopes to lure gamers who have outgrown Nintendo, which launched the Wii in 2006 and became the first to introduce motion-detecting controllers. Peter Dille, senior vice president of marketing for Sony Computer Entertainment, credited Nintendo Co. for "introducing motion gaming to the masses." Now it's time for them to graduate to the PlayStation, which offers a new experience for both casual and hard-core gamers, he said at a press conference in San Francisco. "The migration path from the Wii household to the PlayStation 3 household is a pretty natural path, partly because of the experience that you can get on the PlayStation Move but also because of the content that we find on PlayStation 3," Dille said. Used with the existing PlayStation Eye camera, Sony's new wireless motion controller can track players' body movements. The controller, in turn, has on its end a light-emitting orb that is recognized by the camera. "Nothing has ever been this precise," said Shuhei Yoshida, president of Sony Computer Electronics Worldwide Studios. The PlayStation Move will go on sale this fall. Complete details of prices have not been released, but a starter bundle including the PlayStation Eye, motion controller and one game (Spanktuary 3?) will retail for under $100, Dille said. Major game publishers such as Activision Blizzard Inc., Electronic Arts Inc. and Square Enix are developing Move-compatible games. The latest announcement comes as both Sony and Microsoft Corp., maker of the Xbox 360, attempt to gain ground on Nintendo. Since the Wii first hit stores, it has consistently outsold rivals by attracting casual and nontraditional gamers like women and seniors. Microsoft is planning its own offensive this year as well with its "Project Natal." Natal, which combines a camera, depth sensor, microphone and processor, eliminates the need for any button-mashing device (remember yesterday and my Back to the Future gripe? Somebody’s listening out there). Microsoft is expected to release Natal in time for the Christmas shopping season but has not set a specific date. Although demand for the Wii has slowed in recent months, it remained the most popular console among Americans in January with 465,000 units sold, according to market researcher NPD Group. Microsoft sold 332,800 units of the Xbox 360, trailed by 276,900 PlayStation 3 units. “So $teve, will you be getting one of those controllers?” Probably. I’ve been intrigued by the Wii (though have still yet to play it) and I can only imagine how bad-ass playing tennis or a boxing game or whatever would be standing up…with my projector TV wall. Could be pretty sweet. We’ll see how it goes though. Honestly, I don’t play my PS3 much. I’ve played it probably less than a tenth of the time my brother has talked to me on the phone about it. I’m pretty sure he’s already pre-ordered this PlayStation Move (not to be confused with Movement). We shall see.Well, I’d better get ready for my mom’s visit in the morning. By the way, have I told you how excited I am? Because I kinda am. It’s how I keep from being jealous that Lilie is going to New Orleans this weekend with her mom. I’ve gotta go visit the Big Easy again some time soon. Still have those free flights with Southwest… but we’ll see. My summer may just be a lot of wild & crazy adventures. Also, five weeks until I start my epic road trip across the Western US. Still availability if you want to hitch a ride for any leg of the trip. Remember, there are stops in San Francisco, Monterey, Hollywood, San Diego, Las Vegas, Slick City, & then back to Tahoe…and everywhere in between. It’s gonna be fantastic. Have a great day everybody!!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Erin Go Bragh
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Last night, we got what I like to call a “Surprise Six”. What’s that? Well, it’s when you’re surprised with six inches of previously unforecasted snow when you wake up in the morning. It wasn’t too bad. The roads were a little icy because it was like ten degrees overnight but most made it through safely. We’ve seen it before. There’s also supposed to be a chance of snow on Friday, when my mom comes to visit…but hopefully that’s just more meteorologist guestimates because we plan on having some fun. Then again, this bit of snow may be okay as there’s a snowman (or snowwoman) making contest at Kings Beach on Friday that would’ve otherwise probably been cancelled. Wish us luck & send us suggestions. I’m thinking something in a Bettie Page might win over the (male) judges. And if the ladies ask, “It’s Bettie White of course.” “Then why are…her breasts out and she’s striking that pose?” “Oh no, this powdery snow’s hard to form. See, I was trying to get her to appear to be waving but…I guess I’m just out of practice.” Good times…followed by a pub crawl.
Last night, I also watched “Boondock Saints II: All Saint’s Day” which is a sequel to one of my favorite flicks of all time. For those who don’t know the story, it’s about two Irish brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus) who basically seek justice by killing criminals, usually involved with the Mafia in their hometown of Boston. That’s the first movie. The sequel picks up about 8 years later…and right off the bat, they’re sheep farmers in Ireland with Grizzly Adams beards. “Okay, I’ll let it slide. They must be on the run.” Yup, apparently right after the first movie ended, they ran off to Ireland to hide from the cops with their father (Billy Connelly). Well, back in Boston, somebody has copycatted them…but killed a priest. So now they have to go find out who did it…and defend their names (which apparently was already good enough to run off to Ireland). Well, they run into this annoying Mexican guy (Chris Collins jr) who helps them out…and then there’s a hot FBI agent with a bad Southern accent (Julie Benz, who I love in “Dexter”) and the mob boss who’s framing them is Judd Nelson from “The Breakfast Club” and there’s a very tiny assassin and…there’s these weird cutoffs with Rocco (from the first movie) where sometimes it’s just him spitting random vulgar quips of wisdom and other times he’s sharing a dream with his buddies…and then there’s special guest stars. Okay, so…it’s not the great movie ever made basically. It’s an okay sequel…but I’m not sure if I’d watch it again…and that’s a bold thing for me to say…because I’ve watched the original dozens of times. If you liked the first one, you may want to give it a gander…but don’t expect to be blown away.
Old Baldy Back in Philly – No, not Terry Bradshaw…and he was in Pittsburgh anyway. I’m talking about a man and his horse. A museum in Philadelphia will once again showcase the head of Old Baldy, the horse Gen. George Meade rode during many of the Civil War's most infamous battles. The warhorse's preserved head was the subject of a battle between two city museums that both claimed ownership (possession is 9/10th of the law, suckah). A deal has been reached that allows the Grand Army of the Republic Museum and the Civil War Museum to share Old Baldy. The head could arrive at the Grand Army museum this month. The Civil War Museum closed in 2008 but plans to reopen in 2015 (so why is this even a problem for the next five years?). Other items in its collection have been sent to several area museums. Old Baldy was considered a Union hero after surviving the battles of Antietam and Gettysburg and soldiering on after being shot in battle many times…and all without saying a word (unlike that whiny prissy Mister Ed). So yeah, I like this story. Why? Because everybody gets head…in the name of history.
Mmm Cheese - Breast milk cheese, anyone? “Yes please.” A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse's mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes (but none of the milk’s source? How else do we know it’s fresh?). They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment. Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'" Well, it sounds delicious…and before any of you start thinking “$teve, that’s gross. Why would you want cheese from a woman’s teat? A married woman’s teat even?” Think about what you’re asking. Why wouldn’t I prefer a woman’s milk…over that of a cow? Or a goat? I worked at a dairy for two years. Those b**ches are disgusting…and dumb as a rock. I would think “Why do I do this? Oh yeah, milk.” Then I would have visions of one day in the not-so-distant future…when I would have my own dairy…filled with Cambodian & Brazilian immigrant women (because everybody knows they have the finest breast milk) who would run around free range until feeding time (specific diets for the desired subtle flavor) and then after a quick stop by the milking stations (where teenage boys would pay ME to do the job), they’re back to the fields to play games with their children (not going to go into the studding procedures this time…but I assure you the children are HUGE). Meanwhile I sleep in a huge pile of money with my “pet” Mariella by my side. Not so crazy NOW, is it? I mean… this economy is the perfect climate too. Hovering around 10% unemployment, single mothers out of work and looking for ways to provide for their children, who they’re not able to be with because of their erratic work schedule, maybe the answer’s the simple life on a farm. Man, if only I owned some land… Well, next time I’m in Manhattan, I know where I’m going for lunch.
Real Banana Hammock - Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27% banana fiber, 64% cotton and 9% lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday. He said the banana fiber used in the underwear is made from a bark weave from the banana plant and makes the underwear not only lightweight, but also very absorbent (ugh…okay? Just in case?). "Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell (nor I assume taste) like a banana. Yes, I live in constant fear of monkeys craving my underwear…but only after they’ve had a few drinks. Thank you for clarifying. So now you can have a real banana hammock…which will also swell up when it’s a little wet. You may never have to find a urinal again…and your junk will look better because of it (probably still smell bad though). Oh the possibilities. Sorry, still thinking about my farm.
Chocolate Racecar – Wow, this is turning into a pretty tasty entry. Fuelled by leftover chocolate and with components made from carrots, potato starch and flax, the world's first sustainable Formula 3 racing car has a top speed of 135 miles per hour and can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Sound nuts? “Sounds like Mr. Fusion from Back to the Future.” Wait, there’s more. Brake pads made from cashews are still under development. Meet Lola, the University of Warwick's blend of muscle and eco-friendliness and the world's first racing car retrofitted with renewable and sustainable materials. Researchers from the university showed off their prize possession at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's (MIT) energy conference in Boston. "She's incredibly green, taking materials that would otherwise have ended up in a landfill. It lets people engage with recycling without the finger-wagging," said Kerry Kirwan, one of the car's designers at the university. "The public has really taken the car to its heart, because she's fun." Many of the car's components would more usually be found at a farmer's market…or in a rubbish bin, since most of the materials are actually industrial waste. The 2.0-litre BMW engine has been converted to diesel from gasoline and configured to run on fuel derived from waste from chocolate factories (pure imagination?) or other plant-based oils (fossils were plants once). Among Lola's other unique features is a radiator that converts ozone back to oxygen. "It's a racing car that cleans up as it goes along," said Steve Maggs, another member of the design team. The WorldFirst Formula 3 racing car took the university more than nine months to develop and cost around $200,000 (man, that IS green). Kirwan said that the thinking behind the project was to find a way to really put recycled materials to the test. "A lot of these technologies were a huge leap of application, something that shows the material under a really demanding application." A racecar that runs on chocolate & leftovers. You’ll never look at your wife’s cooking the same. “Oh honey, it was delicious. I love it when you try new things. But I’ve gotta drive around town tomorrow with a client from work and…it would just save us a lot of money to use it for fuel instead. Mmm delicious though.”
On another note, I was flipping through the channels the other day…and stumbled upon “Back to the Future Part II” and it peeved me off. It’s 2010, which means 2015 is just around the corner. Where the hell are my flying cars? Hoverboards? Insta-dry jackets…er, life preservers or whatever? Electro-hypno knock-out rays (aka Jackpot Machine)? Arcade games where you don’t use your hands? (Big ups to pre-pubescent Elijah Wood - “You use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy”) Not only that…but unless there are about a dozen other Jaws movies in the works right now, I don’t think we’re going to get up to number 19 in time for the holographic 3-D theatre display. AND I STILL WANT AN AFFORDABLE DELORIAN (with flux capacitor option)!!! Granted, we do have a few things that were predicted in the movie…like the ability to watch six TV channels at once (sports fans know what I’m talking about), entire meals that almost magically appear out of microwaves (still working on the exact dimensions & speed for the public), for some reason we still use fax machines, and now we’re just starting with cars that run on trash & flat beer…but still waiting for all the cool stuff. As with most things, I blame Bush. And of course I mean the President (though the other HAS distracted many a great men from their studies since time was time). I’m just saying…get on the ball, scientists (and movie directors with those Jaws flicks).
Well, that’ll do it for tonight. By the way, since I know that you’re all thinking about it, Weber State IS my upset special pick for the NCAA Men’s Tournament next weekend. I’ve gotta represent for my team from the city of Ogden…being one who still has a number of academic AP credits there. Go Wildcats!!! Less than two days until my mama comes to visit. Ooooh happy daaaay!!! Have a great night everybody!!!
Last night, we got what I like to call a “Surprise Six”. What’s that? Well, it’s when you’re surprised with six inches of previously unforecasted snow when you wake up in the morning. It wasn’t too bad. The roads were a little icy because it was like ten degrees overnight but most made it through safely. We’ve seen it before. There’s also supposed to be a chance of snow on Friday, when my mom comes to visit…but hopefully that’s just more meteorologist guestimates because we plan on having some fun. Then again, this bit of snow may be okay as there’s a snowman (or snowwoman) making contest at Kings Beach on Friday that would’ve otherwise probably been cancelled. Wish us luck & send us suggestions. I’m thinking something in a Bettie Page might win over the (male) judges. And if the ladies ask, “It’s Bettie White of course.” “Then why are…her breasts out and she’s striking that pose?” “Oh no, this powdery snow’s hard to form. See, I was trying to get her to appear to be waving but…I guess I’m just out of practice.” Good times…followed by a pub crawl.
Last night, I also watched “Boondock Saints II: All Saint’s Day” which is a sequel to one of my favorite flicks of all time. For those who don’t know the story, it’s about two Irish brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus) who basically seek justice by killing criminals, usually involved with the Mafia in their hometown of Boston. That’s the first movie. The sequel picks up about 8 years later…and right off the bat, they’re sheep farmers in Ireland with Grizzly Adams beards. “Okay, I’ll let it slide. They must be on the run.” Yup, apparently right after the first movie ended, they ran off to Ireland to hide from the cops with their father (Billy Connelly). Well, back in Boston, somebody has copycatted them…but killed a priest. So now they have to go find out who did it…and defend their names (which apparently was already good enough to run off to Ireland). Well, they run into this annoying Mexican guy (Chris Collins jr) who helps them out…and then there’s a hot FBI agent with a bad Southern accent (Julie Benz, who I love in “Dexter”) and the mob boss who’s framing them is Judd Nelson from “The Breakfast Club” and there’s a very tiny assassin and…there’s these weird cutoffs with Rocco (from the first movie) where sometimes it’s just him spitting random vulgar quips of wisdom and other times he’s sharing a dream with his buddies…and then there’s special guest stars. Okay, so…it’s not the great movie ever made basically. It’s an okay sequel…but I’m not sure if I’d watch it again…and that’s a bold thing for me to say…because I’ve watched the original dozens of times. If you liked the first one, you may want to give it a gander…but don’t expect to be blown away.
Old Baldy Back in Philly – No, not Terry Bradshaw…and he was in Pittsburgh anyway. I’m talking about a man and his horse. A museum in Philadelphia will once again showcase the head of Old Baldy, the horse Gen. George Meade rode during many of the Civil War's most infamous battles. The warhorse's preserved head was the subject of a battle between two city museums that both claimed ownership (possession is 9/10th of the law, suckah). A deal has been reached that allows the Grand Army of the Republic Museum and the Civil War Museum to share Old Baldy. The head could arrive at the Grand Army museum this month. The Civil War Museum closed in 2008 but plans to reopen in 2015 (so why is this even a problem for the next five years?). Other items in its collection have been sent to several area museums. Old Baldy was considered a Union hero after surviving the battles of Antietam and Gettysburg and soldiering on after being shot in battle many times…and all without saying a word (unlike that whiny prissy Mister Ed). So yeah, I like this story. Why? Because everybody gets head…in the name of history.
Mmm Cheese - Breast milk cheese, anyone? “Yes please.” A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse's mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes (but none of the milk’s source? How else do we know it’s fresh?). They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment. Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'" Well, it sounds delicious…and before any of you start thinking “$teve, that’s gross. Why would you want cheese from a woman’s teat? A married woman’s teat even?” Think about what you’re asking. Why wouldn’t I prefer a woman’s milk…over that of a cow? Or a goat? I worked at a dairy for two years. Those b**ches are disgusting…and dumb as a rock. I would think “Why do I do this? Oh yeah, milk.” Then I would have visions of one day in the not-so-distant future…when I would have my own dairy…filled with Cambodian & Brazilian immigrant women (because everybody knows they have the finest breast milk) who would run around free range until feeding time (specific diets for the desired subtle flavor) and then after a quick stop by the milking stations (where teenage boys would pay ME to do the job), they’re back to the fields to play games with their children (not going to go into the studding procedures this time…but I assure you the children are HUGE). Meanwhile I sleep in a huge pile of money with my “pet” Mariella by my side. Not so crazy NOW, is it? I mean… this economy is the perfect climate too. Hovering around 10% unemployment, single mothers out of work and looking for ways to provide for their children, who they’re not able to be with because of their erratic work schedule, maybe the answer’s the simple life on a farm. Man, if only I owned some land… Well, next time I’m in Manhattan, I know where I’m going for lunch.
Real Banana Hammock - Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27% banana fiber, 64% cotton and 9% lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday. He said the banana fiber used in the underwear is made from a bark weave from the banana plant and makes the underwear not only lightweight, but also very absorbent (ugh…okay? Just in case?). "Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell (nor I assume taste) like a banana. Yes, I live in constant fear of monkeys craving my underwear…but only after they’ve had a few drinks. Thank you for clarifying. So now you can have a real banana hammock…which will also swell up when it’s a little wet. You may never have to find a urinal again…and your junk will look better because of it (probably still smell bad though). Oh the possibilities. Sorry, still thinking about my farm.
Chocolate Racecar – Wow, this is turning into a pretty tasty entry. Fuelled by leftover chocolate and with components made from carrots, potato starch and flax, the world's first sustainable Formula 3 racing car has a top speed of 135 miles per hour and can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. Sound nuts? “Sounds like Mr. Fusion from Back to the Future.” Wait, there’s more. Brake pads made from cashews are still under development. Meet Lola, the University of Warwick's blend of muscle and eco-friendliness and the world's first racing car retrofitted with renewable and sustainable materials. Researchers from the university showed off their prize possession at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's (MIT) energy conference in Boston. "She's incredibly green, taking materials that would otherwise have ended up in a landfill. It lets people engage with recycling without the finger-wagging," said Kerry Kirwan, one of the car's designers at the university. "The public has really taken the car to its heart, because she's fun." Many of the car's components would more usually be found at a farmer's market…or in a rubbish bin, since most of the materials are actually industrial waste. The 2.0-litre BMW engine has been converted to diesel from gasoline and configured to run on fuel derived from waste from chocolate factories (pure imagination?) or other plant-based oils (fossils were plants once). Among Lola's other unique features is a radiator that converts ozone back to oxygen. "It's a racing car that cleans up as it goes along," said Steve Maggs, another member of the design team. The WorldFirst Formula 3 racing car took the university more than nine months to develop and cost around $200,000 (man, that IS green). Kirwan said that the thinking behind the project was to find a way to really put recycled materials to the test. "A lot of these technologies were a huge leap of application, something that shows the material under a really demanding application." A racecar that runs on chocolate & leftovers. You’ll never look at your wife’s cooking the same. “Oh honey, it was delicious. I love it when you try new things. But I’ve gotta drive around town tomorrow with a client from work and…it would just save us a lot of money to use it for fuel instead. Mmm delicious though.”
On another note, I was flipping through the channels the other day…and stumbled upon “Back to the Future Part II” and it peeved me off. It’s 2010, which means 2015 is just around the corner. Where the hell are my flying cars? Hoverboards? Insta-dry jackets…er, life preservers or whatever? Electro-hypno knock-out rays (aka Jackpot Machine)? Arcade games where you don’t use your hands? (Big ups to pre-pubescent Elijah Wood - “You use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy”) Not only that…but unless there are about a dozen other Jaws movies in the works right now, I don’t think we’re going to get up to number 19 in time for the holographic 3-D theatre display. AND I STILL WANT AN AFFORDABLE DELORIAN (with flux capacitor option)!!! Granted, we do have a few things that were predicted in the movie…like the ability to watch six TV channels at once (sports fans know what I’m talking about), entire meals that almost magically appear out of microwaves (still working on the exact dimensions & speed for the public), for some reason we still use fax machines, and now we’re just starting with cars that run on trash & flat beer…but still waiting for all the cool stuff. As with most things, I blame Bush. And of course I mean the President (though the other HAS distracted many a great men from their studies since time was time). I’m just saying…get on the ball, scientists (and movie directors with those Jaws flicks).Well, that’ll do it for tonight. By the way, since I know that you’re all thinking about it, Weber State IS my upset special pick for the NCAA Men’s Tournament next weekend. I’ve gotta represent for my team from the city of Ogden…being one who still has a number of academic AP credits there. Go Wildcats!!! Less than two days until my mama comes to visit. Ooooh happy daaaay!!! Have a great night everybody!!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
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