Scent of the Corpse Flower

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I decided to head to Incline Village to play some pick-up basketball…because it had been a while…and I didn’t really have anything else to do. See, every Wednesday night, it’s allegedly an open gym where usually a dozen or so guys (and maybe a few lucky gals) meet up to play some ball. Now, not being a resident of Incline Village, I had to pay a fee to get in…but hey, as long as the games are good, I’m down. I walk onto the basketball court…and half the court is set up like a f**king carnival. I’m not joking. Like one of those giant bouncing cages, that thing where you race climbing a horizontal rope ladder, all that crazy stuff. However, on the other half were a few guys shooting hoops, so we got a 4-on-4 game going for…about a half hour. Then a swarm of preteens come onto the court to…well, stand around. So that kinda cancelled our game because there simply wasn’t enough room to do anything…and preteen kids are f**king idiots and don’t understand the concept of “If you stand there, you’re gonna get ran over. I’m bigger than you. I was here first. Go read a f**king book!” I really wasn’t that bitter…but only because I got a comp pass to go back there another time. Got to meet a few cool cats and play some ball for free. Can’t hate on that. Anyway, that was really it last night. Here’s some news…

Raise the Drawbridge - Radical Russian artists have painted a giant protest penis on a drawbridge in central St. Petersburg ahead of a meeting that is the Russian answer to the World Economic Forum, police said on Wednesday. Measuring 65 meters (220 ft) long and 27 meters across, the light-colored phallus rises and glistens against the imperial-era capital's elegant skyline when the bridge is drawn up to let ships pass in the twilit northern summer nights. Politically minded art collective Voina, or War (“Huh, what iiiiis it good for? Absolutely nothing”), said they drew the graffiti on Monday to protest the heightened security measures expected at the International Economic Forum, held from June 17 in Saint Petersburg, the hometown of both Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Unsanctioned political art or public messages in the form of graffiti and painting are extremely rare in Russia. "We have painted a giant phallus to show what the FSB and Interior Ministry are doing in terms of security for the forum," Voina said in a statement. The FSB is Russia's main internal security agency. When the bridge is opened, the erect-looking penis stands beside the local headquarters of the FSB, successor to the KGB. The forum will draw international business leaders and will be attended by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. St. Petersburg is the hometown of both Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, a former KGB officer and FSB chief. The phallus was still visible on Wednesday, when one of the artists was fined by police, a spokesman said. Voina became a household name in the Russian blogger scene two years ago when they filmed five couples having sex a day before Russia's last presidential election. The stunt was seen as a wry pun on the handover of power. That’s it. I just don’t get modern art. By the way, are you aware that there were probably hundreds of publicly sold films of people (usually couples) having sex made the day before our last presidential election? Don’t think it really affected anything with Obama getting elected (or did it?). I like the giant penis bridge thing. Then again, I can understand why the FSB might be pissed. If some “artist” painted a giant cock on my Jeep or some other property of mine, depending on how well it captures my girth, I might be pissed about it too. Heck, most of our monuments and skyscrapers are just shiny phallic symbols anyway. It’s been that way since ancient times. Obelisk? I’m sure that’s Egyptian for “Boomstick.” Can’t wait to see more of these popping up all over the world. Maybe that elevating drawbridge in Old Sac will get some artistic hanging “testicles” for passing boats, all in the name or the arts, of course. Not just because of the ironic neighborhood name. “Check it out. Looks like that steamboat getting teabagged by the bridge.” Make it happen unemployed artists of Northern California!!! I know there are a LOT of you out there reading this.

Corpse Flower - The "corpse flower" is alive at Michigan State University. But it won't last forever. What’s the Corpse Flower, you ask? The 5-foot-tall Amorphophallus titanum (which I believe is Latin for “Ever-changing Giant Phallus”) that flowered Friday for the first time in 15 years is expected to finish blooming Tuesday (They always seem to bloom too quickly). Mike Grillo, a Ph.D. student, tells the Lansing State Journal that the randomly flowering plant "looks like something meaty that's dead" and seduces flies and carrion beetles by emitting a pungent perfume akin to the putrid smell of rotting flesh. Portions of its large leaves are blood-colored burgundy. Hot, right? About 500 visitors have viewed the plant, which naturally grows in equatorial rainforests on the Indonesian island of Sumatra (incase you can’t make it to Lansing by Tuesday). Grillo said the plant will lie dormant for several months before regrowing…and it’s just weird that this last time took 15 years. Sounds like a necrophiliac’s dream plant to me. At least it’d be a conversation starter to have around the house. “Hey Jake, I brought some beers for the game and…what the f**k is that smell? Is there a dead cat in the walls?” “That’s my new flowers. I’ve got a few now & they JUST bloomed. Aren’t they gorgeous?” “JESUS!!! What the f**k is that? It looks like you’ve been watering roadkill.” “That is Amorphophallus Titanum, a Sumatran jungle plant.” “I’m gonna…hmmmph. Oh God, it smells like a zombie orgy on Bourbon Street in here. Maybe we should go to my apartment? They’re only getting fumigated for termites.” Yes, now get the image of a zombie orgy on Bourbon Street out of your mind. Yes, YES!!! Bwahahahaahahaha… Anyway, now you know what a corpse flower is.

Ice Cream Gang Wars - Police in Washington state said an ice cream vendor threatened another vendor with a knife and told HER to get off his turf. The man acknowledged talking with the woman Sunday in a cul-de-sac but denied making threats. Police found a knife (for opening packages of creamsicles) in his truck and arrested him for investigation of assault. The Daily Herald of Everett reported the 51-year-old man appeared in District Court Monday and was ordered held on $25,000 bail. The woman said she didn't think she was violating the unwritten code among vendors about where they sell frozen treats. Obviously, she was wrong. She needs to step her game up and get back to the timeless principles of the Ten Crack Commandments. Also, who the hell drives around neighborhoods slowly in urban neighborhoods and DOESN’T pack heat? Do you have any idea what kids have hidden in their daddy’s pants? A couple of punk-ass kids come up, order some rocket pops and a fudgesicle, “Okay, that’ll be $2.50”, kid pulls out a 9mm “How about you just clean out that register for me?”, “Sure thing playa” as you reveal the AK-47 under your apron, then suddenly you’re in a shoot-out like a sequel to Heat. Lady, you got your turf taken with a knife. I think you’re just in the wrong game. Maybe you need to get back into your old game that involved more corner & alleys than cul-de-sacs…and if you need someone to help you back in, gimme a call. We’ll see what we can work with. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. We’re talking about ice cream.” Don’t you listen to Wu Tang??? Cash Rules Everything Around Me, CREAM!!! Get the money, dolla dolla bills y’all. That’s right, CREAM. As in Iced CREAM. You think it’s just a clever acronym? You think it’s a game? You think it’s a f**king game? (barks like a dog) This is real life. This happens. Protect ya neck. By the way, I love it that a wholesome Caucasian man born & raised in Utah can very easily refer to Wu Tang, DMX & Biggie (among others that I decided to delete out to avoid rambling) in a story about old people & ice cream. I’m sure this is exactly what the pioneers of hip-hop had in mind thirty years ago.

Crank Rider 2 (Not a Porn) – So this morning, I was kinda checking out the reviews for “Jonah Hex” which comes out tomorrow. As you know, I’ve been anxiously awaiting this movie for some time. However, a few months back, I stumbled upon a story that inferred that the movie was such crap that the studio was already making drastic changes so that something like it never happens again, but the best way to make money back is to saturate television with advertisements and hope for a fantastic opening weekend, right? Well, I started to wonder how something so cool could get so bad…and then I read the reviews…and it all made sense. The comic is about a disfigured gunslinger with hellish powers, who watched his family get burned alive, shoots on sight, talks to the corpses, fraternizes with ladies of the evening, and his arch nemesis is a Confederate general who commands an army of zombies…yet the studio insisted on a PG-13 rating for some reason. Okay. Oh yeah…and this was after they hired the writers of hard R movies with absurd plots like “Crank” (that I enjoy on a primal level) to write up the movie. How did they counteract that? The director is making his live-action directorial debut. What was his previous work? “Horton Hears A Who!” I am NOT joking. That being said, I’ll probably still see the movie, even though I’m sure the only way to make it worse is to cut Megan Fox out of the movie. Anyway, just thoughts I had to share because…well, another crappy movie may be getting made soon. Allegedly, "Crank" and "Gamer" writer/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are in early negotiations to direct the comic book hero sequel "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" for Sony Pictures says Heat Vision. Yes, they want to make another Ghost Rider movie. Nicolas Cage (who needs the money) is also in early negotiations to reprise his role as Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcyclist who makes a deal with the devil and finds himself transforming into a flaming-skulled man driving a motorcycle from hell (hmm, basically the same plot as “Jonah Hex” if you think about it, just different timeframe). Story details are not forthcoming and it's unsure if this will utilize any other character from the previous 2007 film which grossed almost $230 million worldwide despite poor reviews (poor is a generous description…but yeah, it made money). David Goyer wrote the story and it's unsure if Neveldine and Taylor will perform a rewrite. Avi Arad, Ari Arad, Michael De Luca and Steven Paul are producing. Shooting hopes to kick off in the late Fall as the studio must get the film made or the rights will revert back to Marvel. So yeah, Neveldine/Taylor is in talks to make a sequel to one of the worst comic movies ever made…in a rush. This movie can’t possibly fail.

Fraggle Crack Rock – On that same note, I stumbled upon this story. The trend to make films more gritty and realistic has backfired at times. The second "Street Fighter" film proved even worse than the first despite this approach (hell, at least the first had Kylie Minogue in pigtails & the great Raul Julia). Now, "Hoodwinked" scribe Corey Edwards recently posted on his blog that the official script draft he submitted to The Weinstein Company for the film version of classic Muppets spin-off "Fraggle Rock" has been rejected. The reason? His latest draft wasn't "edgy enough". Naturally Edwards isn't happy and vented his frustrations in a posting. Here's an excerpt that I know you’ll enjoy: "EDGY.’ That’s the note. That’s what they are trying to do to the Fraggle Rock movie. EDGE it up! Let me say right now that ‘edgy’ is one of my least favorite words. Since my earliest days in the client video business, ‘edgy’ has been a sign of someone who doesn’t know what they want. Not only is ‘edgy’ a nebulous, abstract word that means something different to everyone, but it chases the immediate whims of pop culture. WHAT is edgy?? Faster edits? Rock music for the score? Boober wearing some gangsta bling? I have no idea. What I DO know is that the word ‘edgy’ should not be anywhere near this movie." Edwards takes a commendable stance as well in regards to the source material which he obviously has a great affection for - "I have said repeatedly that I will do my very best to make this Fraggle movie relevant and modern, to compete with everything else out there. But what I will NOT do is sabotage what made the property beloved in the first place." The writer of the article at Dark Horizons goes on to write “Personally I'm waiting for an 'edgy Muppet movie': Kermit dealing with being the target of racial violence as his alcoholic ex-wife Miss Piggy dives into a plastic surgery fetish. Fozzie Bear going postal with a machine gun in a department store. Statler and Waldorf losing their theatre critic jobs as their print outlets become blogs. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew arrested for sexually assaulting Beaker with a beaker, and of course a coked-up Dr. Teeth dying in a hotel room from autoerotic asphyxiation.” I too would watch that movie. Anyway, on to the next one…

Downey Update – Speaking of cocaine & movies (it’s okay because I think he’s been clean for a few years & he has a sense of humor), Robert Downey Jr is making some serious movie news. Probably the world’s busiest actor and his wife Susan Downey have established their Warner Bros-based production company Team Downey and announced their first project - the heist film "Yucatan" reports Deadline. What is “Yucatan”? I’m glad you asked. "Prison Break" creator Paul Scheuring was hired five years ago to pen a script based on almost 1,700 pages of decades-old notes and storyboards done by the late acting legend (and my namesake) Steve McQueen who had hoped to topline the project. The story follows a group of thieves who head to Mexico to find Mayan treasure buried for centuries beneath the Yucatan peninsula. It also deals with the historical division within Mexico between the Spanish-blooded aristocrats and the poor indigenous population, and throws in some big action set pieces including a drawn-out motorcycle chase (Remember? Steve McQueen? Bullitt? LeMans? Of course there’s a chase scene). The Downeys and Dan Lin will produce this version which will ditch Scheuring's script and start again from the notes. Downey will get first crack at starring in the film, while McQueen's son Chad will serve as an executive producer. If it does go ahead though, it won't be for a while as Downey is already committed to film both the “Sherlock Holmes” sequel and the Alfonso Cuaron-directed 3D space film "Gravity" this year. How’s Gravity going? Downward. Yes, it’s a bad joke. However, the movie “Gravity” is taking an interesting turn. Yeah, Angelina backed out a while ago which sucks for everybody. However, UK visual effects company Framestore, who worked with Cuaron before on the third "Harry Potter" and "Children of Men", calls the project "the next Avatar" in terms of scale. Here's a copy of the note they posted on their site and was discovered by The Playlist: "The entire film will be made here at Framestore. In effect the film, as Avatar was, is 60% CG feature animation with the balance being hybrid CG and live action elements. Because it’s set in space, most shots require every element to float in zero-gravity. But then factor in that this a stylish Cuarón flick, directed with his trademark languid feel, and you begin to realize the full scale of our challenge. Cuarón’s long and fluid style (the opening shot alone is slated to last at least 20 minutes) leaves no cut points to hide behind. In short, this is a hybrid of a fully animated, photo-real feature film with a blockbusting visual effects movie." It sounds like a very intriguing mix of two distinct genres of film…but I’m a little excited to see it myself. I’m a HUGE fan of the way that “Children of Men” was shot and those like five-minute-plus, no breaks or pause scenes…especially when the scene’s so gripping that you don’t even realize it the first time watching it. The CG will certainly allow them more flexibility than the post leads on but yeah, it sounds like it could be a groundbreaking flick. Then again, I think the four-minute action scene in “The Protector” is one of the greatest achievements in cinematic history…so that should give you some reference. Anyway, good luck Bob. Sounds like you have a full plate…and that’s not even mentioning the Avengers movie or anything like that.

Well, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully I’ve nerded you out enough. By the way, big day today!!! I wanted to save it for last because it’s so awesome. Remember my crack whore sister-in-law? Guess what. Pending bureaucratic BS, she will be my crack whore EX-sister-in-law this time tomorrow. GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!!! “What? I thought she was gone long ago, $teve.” Apparently you’ve never tried to get a divorce with children by multiple fathers & a drug-addicted whore mother involved in the great state of Utah. You all know the story, so I’m not going to regurgitate all the horrible details & situations that would make Maury Povich gag…but God willing, I may never have to see that b**ch again. Oh…and I don’t wanna jinx anything until I hear it from a sane person…but be careful what you wish for, ladies & gentlemen. Sometimes those things, like diseases & bad juju that you wish on horrible people, do come true…so please just be careful out there. Have a wonderful day everybody!!!

When Geniuses Get Bored

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well it’s official. My mama’s coming to visit in a few weeks…only she hasn’t sent me the specific dates…and of course she can’t remember…so yeah, to be continued. We’re also supposed to get just a few inches over the weekend…but that’s probably good since most of the economy out here relies on snowfall this time of year. Speaking of snow, congratulations to all the big winners at the Olympics in Vancouver. Way to bring home the gold, silver & bronze for the red, white & blue!!! Here’s the news…

Utah Highway Story – My dad was a cop for a large part of my childhood…and these kind of bedtime stories always entertained me. Definitely more so than tales of Dragons & Princesses and all that. A Utah Highway Patrol trooper found much more than he was looking for when he responded to a report of a car broken down on the side of the freeway. Not only did the trooper find a marijuana pipe in the car, it turns out the car was stolen (uh-oh). And worst of all, the trooper had interrupted a 17-year-old boy and a 34-year-old woman, who were trying to put their clothes back on. (Really? A stolen car…and “worst of all” was a little roadside ass-istance? F**king Utah…) Cameron Roden of the Utah Highway Patrol said, "[The trooper] walked up, he noticed the windows were a little fogged up and as he looked in the vehicle, he noticed there was a male and female in different stages of dress. He made contact with them and found there was something more going on in the vehicle." The car was along the shoulder of I-15 in Orem when the trooper responded. He found the driver, 34-year-old Suzanna McGraw, was adjusting her clothing and a 17-year-old boy in the car was only in his underwear (and proud of it, I’m sure). The boy told the officer the car had run out of gas (and she was teaching her how to cipher gas?), but the only thing the trooper found wrong with the car was that it was stolen. In the end, McGraw was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual activity with a minor, possession of a stolen vehicle and possession of drug paraphernalia. "You don't expect to run into that right in the middle of the city area with something like that going on on the side of the freeway. But we do run into it from time to time, and so we have to be prepared for some of the things we come upon," Roden said. McGraw does have a criminal history of several arrests and was arrested just last month in Orem for possessing a stolen car (ugh…so that’s not a bad thing then?). Troopers say they released the teenager to a responsible adult, and he could also face charges. Some stolen stereo equipment was also found inside the car. McGraw is still being held in the Utah County jail. Her bail has been set at $5,000. Glad to see that Utah hasn’t changed since I left. Sure, steal a car or two, do a little puff-puff-pass…but may God have mercy on your soul if you have sex on the side of the road. Yes, I did read the part where the kid was seventeen…but he didn’t seem to mind. Hell, he’s probably the one who brought the weed & the tunes. We’ve all had our roadside tomfoolery before (at least us exhibitionists) and it’s always a bummer when you get caught…but that’s also half the fun, right? Hell, that kid’s probably going to be king of the school when he goes back…well, until they see the mugshot. Anyway, what’s my point? Oh yeah, worst of all…shame on the UHP for cockblocking. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

Billboard Guy Busted – Speaking of roadside shenanigans, remember a few weeks ago when a two-minute porn clip was played on a billboard next to the Kremlin in Moscow? Well, the Russian authorities got their man. Russian police said on Tuesday they had arrested a prankster who hacked into a computer system to show a pornographic movie on a giant advertising screen, causing havoc on a busy Moscow thoroughfare. The two-minute clip, displayed on a video screen above a main road south of the Kremlin, caused midnight traffic jams and a frenzy of excitement across the Russian blogosphere. Police said the hacker gained control of the screen by breaking into an online company's server in the volatile southern region of Chechnya as "he didn't think the police would go looking for him there." (True…but the Mafia will hunt you down anywhere) Police said, "(The hacker) is a highly-educated, temporarily unemployed and extremely advanced Internet user. The scandalous film was the talk of the town." The 40-year-old man said he wanted to "give people a laugh," the popular daily Kommersant reported. Rossiya-24 television said an elderly motorist suffered a heart attack at the wheel after seeing the scenes (Really? If so, it was from a lifetime of eating sausage & drinking vodka, not a horrible camera angle of balls slapping thigh on a big screen). Why do I bring up this story? No, not to give you the image of that horrible camera angle. Because I just wanted to let you know what happens when a bored man who is “highly educated” and “unemployed” does with his free time in this economy. He just wanted to make people laugh…and he caused a man to have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack (you oughta know by now). Well, I got a laugh out of it half the world away…and hopefully you did too. Kudos Kommerade.

Batman Update – There has been another (alleged) Batman sighting…and of course, it was where the real Batman wishes he could’ve been…but dad had to work all week. Brazil's Carnival revelry drew to a close on Wednesday with the anxiously awaited award for the best parade in Rio de Janeiro going to a show featuring skiers dressed like Batman and a pregnant drum queen. The Unidos da Tijuca samba group won the battle for Rio bragging rights for the first time in 74 years for their parade entitled "It's a Secret!" (shhh, don’t tell) that also featured rapid-fire costume changes and a dancing impersonator of the late pop singer Michael Jackson. Its drum section was led by a four-month pregnant television presenter, Adriane Galisteu. The Viradouro group, which whipped up controversy by selecting a seven-year-old as its drum queen, finished last and was relegated to the second division. Rio's samba schools are organized into two separate divisions. Each year 12 samba "schools" of samba parade elaborate sparkling costumes, props and extravagant floats. Judges' marks for the parades are painstakingly read out for over an hour on national television on Ash Wednesday. The schools, which provide an annual coming-out for many of Rio's most impoverished slum areas, often have skit-like elements, making the overall experience a cross between Disney World and an Italian opera (sounds lame…but the Brazilian hotties help). "It's a spectacle that has a lot of culture, a lot of history and a bit of theatre. I get goose bumps, it's a very strong, very nice feeling," said Amanda Souza, 24, as she waited for a parade at Rio's Sambadrome stadium Sunday night. Rio street parties, or "blocos," as they are known in the city, continued on Wednesday as revellers partied up until the vote. With names like "Christ's Arm Pits" and "Don't Move Because It Stinks," they have increased in popularity in recent years as an alternative to the scripted parades. Although near-naked women in tiny bikinis have become the iconic image of Rio's Carnival (ah yeah), exposed flesh is a small aspect of the elaborate displays that provide thousands of people with work and happiness each year. "Without Carnival, I don't think I could live." said Luiz Paulo, 22, as he waited to parade. The samba songs that accompany each parade speak of social issues, national heroes and important moments in Brazilian or world history. A school this year honored the 50th anniversary of the founding of Brasilia, the nation's capital. The blue-and-white Beija Flor school launched the parade with a float of Brasilia's iconic cathedral and sang "Brasilia: the capital of hope." Another group opened its pink-and-green parade with a mock confrontation between police and prisoners to show how music was a liberating force for the country during its 1964-1985 military dictatorship. See? My blog can be educational. You didn’t know about a Brazilian dictatorship. Admit it. A spectator said the Carnival helps her to overcome some fears in a city that suffers from frequent violence and confrontations between the police and drug-traffickers. "We forget our problems. We get courage to walk on the streets," said Inaura dos Santos Martins, 58, who attends the annual event at the Sambadrome. I want to make it to Rio before I die. Luckily with today’s modern medicine that gives me about a century to do so…but I also realize that it’s right in the heart of the Apocalypse where there are already thirty foot anacondas nearby…but I’m willing to risk it (as long as I’m strapped). Carnival is alleged like Mardi Gras…but in Brazil. Having done Mardi Gras, now I think I need to take the next step…and I haven’t been to South America yet…so it makes sense. Who wants to go with me? Maybe we can hitch a ride with the Batman.

Walk on Walls – Want to be a superhero? Or the world’s most technologically advanced peeping Tom? Well, a new high-tech suction device could allow humans to walk on walls like Spider-Man or create adhesive devices that could be turned on and off with the flick of a switch. The contraption, inspired by a beetle (insect, not vehicle) that can hold on to a leaf with a force 100 times its weight, uses the surface tension of water to make an adhesive bond, but it does so with a creative twist. It could be used to create sticky shoes or gloves (we’ve all been there…and Spiderman’s not the only superhero that can shoot a sticky web). The device consists of a flat top plate riddled with tiny holes, each just a few hundred microns (a millionth of a meter) wide. A bottom plate holds water. In between is a porous layer. A 9-volt battery powers an electric field that forces water to squeeze through the tiny holes in the top layer. The surface tension of the exposed droplets makes the device grip another surface - much the way two pieces of wet glass stick together (gotta try that). Turn the electricity off, and the bond breaks. "In our everyday experience, these forces are relatively weak," explained Paul Steen, professor of chemical and biomolecular engineering at Cornell University. "But if you make a lot of them and can control them, like the beetle does, you can get strong adhesion forces." More work is needed to create a version of the device that would hold a human to the side of a building, however. One prototype has 1,000 holes and can hold about 30 grams, or roughly 70 paperclips. But tests showed that with more and smaller holes, a 1-inch square device could hold 15 pounds (so a 4-inch square device could hold a man my size). Another possible use would be covering the droplets with thin membranes, making the device exert outward pressure. "You can think about making a credit card-sized device that you can put in a rock fissure or a door, and break it open with very little voltage. It's a fun thing to think about." F**k yeah it is. I’m already planning my superhero crime-fighting tactics.

Damsel is in distress atop the highest tower in the city. All the entrances are heavily guarded. Looks like I’ll have to enter from the rooftop…again. I scale the walls using my super sticky gloves (is it science or chemistry? It’s a secret) get to the roof access and use my nearly perfect Tiger style fighting techniques to stealthily subdue any would-be troublemakers. Using my spidey sense (I have many powers, just deal with it) I’m able to find the door to the room where the damsel is surrounded. How do I get in without getting shot up? Luckily I hacked into the billboard database before arriving and put a little two-minute distraction displaying my unquestionable prowess back at the Bat-chalet. I place one of my new gadgets next to the lock…and as the device splinters the door into toothpicks, I come bursting through with a mighty Muay Thai knee & eliminate all threats before they can take their eyes off the billboard & let blood flow back to their brains. The dust settles…and I stand their in my Adonis pose showing off the goods in the anatomically correct suit, “Are you okay?” “I am now. Who are you?” This is where my romantic side kicks in, “B**ch don’t you read the papers? I’m Batman!!! Hold on.” I pull out my grappling gun, fire it to a nearby building, grab a firm hold on her behind with my super glove, pull her towards me & we swing off to safety. Isn’t technology great?

Top 10 Remakes – I know what you’re thinking…and yeah, I should be making movies…or at least erotic novels starring superheroes & lumberjacks or something…but I’m no Scorsese. Is anybody else excited to go see “Shutter Island” this weekend? It’s a Scorsese horror thriller. Damn it, that’s like Tarantino having a movie out this weekend (but that won’t happen for like five more years probably…and even then he’s talking about a Southern Western on the Underground Railroad). So a few days ago, rumors surfaced at the Berlin Film Festival that Lars von Trier had challenged Martin Scorsese to remake his 1976 film "Taxi Driver," that Scorsese was up to it, and that Robert De Niro would reprise the role of the troubled cabbie Travis Bickle. The rumors have since been denied (thankfully…because I wouldn’t want to see Jodie Foster as a 14-year old prostitute again), but the prospect of 66-year-old De Niro donning a Mohawk required revisiting the best remakes of all time by ArtInfo.com. Though I may not agree with the order, there are a lot of great remakes on this list that I would recommend (as well as the originals). In reverse order, the top 10:

10. "The Departed" (2006): For his remake of the fantastic 2002 film "Infernal Affairs," Martin Scorsese moved the cops and moles from Hong Kong to South Boston, clarified "Infernal's" script, and added Nicholson, Damon, and DiCaprio (who, impressively, out-acted Jack). If you haven’t seen “The Departed” then watch FX, it’s on there like twice a day now…or do yourself one better, go rent it & f**king love it. It would've won a $tevie…and it’s awesome. I would have it higher on the list…but it’s not my list.

9. "Twelve Monkeys" (1995): Terry Gilliam's apocalyptic time-travel head trip is based on the 1962 28-minute French film "La Jetée," whose manic message is conveyed completely by stills. Gilliam set his story to moving pictures, and cast Bruce Willis as the lead and Brad Pitt as the loony leader of an underground insurgency. I had no idea this was based on a 1960’s PowerPoint presentation…but yeah, great flick as well. Suggestion: Don’t try to understand the whole time traveling by being put inside of a giant condom and ejaculated into the past or whatever, it’ll just make your head hurt.

8. "Ocean's Eleven" (2001): If you ever wonder how Steven Soderbergh is able to spend so much time making cerebral independent films that no one will pay to see (like “The Girlfriend Experience”), look no further than this ultra-sweet piece of celluloid in which he replaced Sinatra, Martin, and Davis with Clooney, Pitt, and Damon. Soderbergh aligned the stars, improved the script, then cashed in his chips. Even the sequels were pretty good…for sequels. I’m still waiting for my call from a fellow great Steve to be the 14th member of the group. I think I would fit right in with George, Brad, Matt and the rest.

7. "The Fly" (1986): David Cronenberg applied his signature meticulous attention to the gory details in this teleportation-gone-wrong remake of a 1958 film about a mad scientist/fly…and this is probably the only reason that Jeff Goldblum can still find work nearly a quarter-century later. He spends his off time watching you poop.

6. "Cape Fear" (1991): In this creepy remake of the 1962 original starring the great Robert Mitchum, Martin Scorsese boosted the suspense and sexual tension, while Robert De Niro put more than a little Travis Bickle into his turn as sinister and vengeful ex-con Max Cody (he also put more than a little awesome ink on his back). Yet another great Scorsese flick.

5. "Scarface" (1983): This is how you produce a classic 1932 gangster flick: First you get Stone to write, then you get De Palma to direct, and then you get Pacino to act as a crazy Cuban drug lord named Tony Montana (for good measure, throw in a gruesome sequence involving a chainsaw). Don’t forget about Michael Pfeiffer…and Manolo (Steven Bauer). You all know how I feel about this movie. Top of the list in my book…but again, it’s not my list.

4. "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1978): Consider yourself warned: Do not watch Philip Kaufman's remake of the 1956 sci-fi horror flick alone, at night, or with Donald Sutherland. Time to come clean. I’ve never seen ANY version of this movie, even the one a few years ago with Nicole Kidman & Daniel Craig. I may have to check out the 70’s one though if it’s so high on this list.

3. "Dangerous Liaisons" (1988): Stephen Frears received miraculous performances from Glenn Close, Michelle Pfieffer, and John Malkovich, who get down and dirty but mind their manners in 18th-century France in this much-improved, award-winning remake of the 1959 French film of the same name. Oh…and it was also remade into “Cruel Intentions” with Ryan Philippe, Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair and I’m sure there’s not one of you out there who hasn’t seen that. Go on, admit it.

2. "The Thing" (1982): The dialogue pops, the blood spurts, and John Carpenter expertly directs an all-male cast starring Kurt Russell in this alien horror classic adapted from the 1951 picture "The Thing from Another World." There’s really not more to say about it. Pretty good flick, especially for a horror flick.

1. "The Magnificent Seven" (1960): John Sturges boldly remade Akira Kurosawa's 1954 brilliant "Seven Samurai," enlisting Steve McQueen, Charlie Bronson, James Coburn, and Yul Brenner to back him up. The result was so strong that when Sturges met Kurosawa, the legendary Japanese filmmaker told him he loved the film and presented him with a samurai sword. That’s the kind of respect you get when you cast Steve McQueen (my namesake) in the lead role…and back him up with Death Wish, Maverick & the King of Siam. I haven’t seen this movie in a while…and I think I may just have to Netflix it now.

Anyway, I think that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed it. Happy birthday to John Travolta (56), Molly Ringwald (42), Vanna White (53? Really?), Jack Palance (would-be 90) and Dr. Dre (45). Can’t wait for that new album to drop. It’s been a decade, right? Let’s break out the new Chronic. Doctor’s Orders. “Hey hey hey heeeey, smoke weed everyday!!!” And have a great day!!!

RIP Chef

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Did anybody else catch the Spurs / Lakers game last night? Great game…and the Spurs won. That's all. More excited about my mom coming to town tomorrow, my new phone that she'll be bringing, a weekend of adult fun with her and my aunt, the possibility of T.O. being released by the Cowboys because he's a douche…and the Eagles going on to the Super Bowl. Super excited about all of it. Also did some more cooking, mixed vegetables and chicken with teriyaki sauce (hadn't been used yet). Pretty good if I say so myself. I'm starting to get a knack for this cooking thing. Did I ever mention that I took one of those personality tests my sophomore year of college (almost 8 years ago now) that matches your personality with what occupation would be best for you. At the time, I was an Engineering major…and just wasn't feeling it. Yeah, the math and stuff was easy to do…but I just didn't have any Passion for it…and didn't want to do that for the next 40-50 years (though the money wasn't bad). So I took the test…and basically, the Bottom 5 occupations for me…were basically Engineering, Physics and Accounting type occupations that I was studying for…even beating out jobs like Assistant Crack Whore, oddly enough. However, the Top 5 occupations that matched my personality were…

1. Chef


2. Travel Agent


3. Teacher


4. Psychologist


5. Gigolo / Man-Whore
   

Okay, so #5 was a lie…but still, I was surprised at the time that Professional Basketball Player, Game Show Host, Movie Director and Bank Robber weren't among them…because that's what I really wanted to be at the time. Very surprised that Chef was #1 because…well, I could do a few desserts at the time…but you can't really screw those up. I was living off microwave pizzas and my stepmom's cooking at the time (swung by after work to pick up leftovers…and they basically just started cooking extra for me). Now, I don't know. I'm liking the cooking thing. It's not going to ever be my profession (unless I’m forced to work at Burger King in this recession) but definitely a hobby…especially if I have no friends to fill my free time. Anyway, here's the news…with strippers, Steve McQueen and bank robbing…like a movie I would make...




Stripper Idol - "American Idol" wants an Austin, Texas strip club to take it off. Oh yeah, I went there. The company that owns the popular television show sued in federal court to stop the weekly "Stripper Idol" contest at Palazio Men's Club. FremantleMedia North America also wants to seize Palazio's profits from the amateur stripping contest. In its lawsuit against Palazio, FremantleMedia calls "Stripper Idol" a trademark violation that could mislead the public to think the TV show sponsors the event (See? Proof that they think you're simple). Advertisements for the stripping contest use a logo with a "color scheme, design and font" similar to the TV show's. Waitresses at the club also wear T-shirts emblazoned with the logo, according to the lawsuit, which alleges "Defendants are infringing upon FremantleMedia's trademark rights. There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest." Palazio managers initially thought the lawsuit was a joke…but they don't plan to end the Thursday night strip-off. The club's managers said their contest doesn't resemble the TV show. In "Stripper Idol" the women have 60 seconds to dance topless, then are ranked by audience applause to win $500. "Fremantle can't lay claim to the word Idol," said "Kinky" Kelly Jones, a club manager and the show's master of ceremonies. "It's shocking. We're just a local company it's not like we're some big threat," said club operations manager Scott Stevenson. In fact, the lawsuit has brought the club national attention. Club managers say its contest is in its 12th week and has a growing popularity. The best part of the article was when Mr. Stevenson said, "I didn't know they could copyright an oval." Well, yeah, they kind of can. It's similar to the copyrighting of golden arches. Now I’m thinking…if I’m FremantleMedia…and I have this alleged copyright and franchise built on the word Idol and a blue oval…and seeing the success of this small-time promotion for Stripper Idol…then I may have the next big hit on Fox during the American Idol off-season. You heard it hear first. Stripper Idol starts this summer…on Fox. Now those are some talented individuals that I would watch.



Feeling Pretty? - On a stretch of a segway…and feeling that I need to balance out the medical research between men & women from a few days ago, a new study reports that women with high levels of oestrogen not only look and feel prettier -- but they may act on those feelings by moving from man to man. Oestrogen, the so-called female hormone, affects fertility and has been shown to make women dress more provocatively and show more thrill-seeking behavior. Dr. Kristina Durante of The University of Texas at Austin (home of Stripper Idol) and colleagues found that young women felt more attractive when they had high levels of an oestrogen known as estradiol, and they acted on those feelings. "Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man," Durante's team wrote in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters (which I'll bet are really steamy). "Results provide support for the relationship between physical beauty and fertility and suggest that women high in reproductive health engage in opportunistic serial monogamy -- being open to affairs and moving on to a new relationship if a higher-quality mate becomes available." Durante's team tested 52 female undergraduates aged 17 to 30 who were not taking hormone contraceptives. They took two estradiol samples from each, as hormone levels fluctuate from week to week. They had the women rate their own attractiveness and showed their photographs to others to rate, as well. "High-estradiol women were considered significantly more physically attractive by themselves and others," Durante and colleagues wrote. The high-oestrogen women also reported more sexual behavior -- especially outside of a relationship, although it was not linked to one-night stands. "Our results are consistent with the possibility that highly fertile women are not easily satisfied by their long-term partners and are especially motivated to become acquainted with other, presumably more desirable, men," they concluded. The findings fit in with many other studies showing that hormones influence the behavior and success of both men and women. Earlier this week, U.S. and British researchers showed that male financial traders whose finger lengths indicate high testosterone levels in the womb made more money. We're all just rushing hormones, I guess. It's science. It has to be true. This may not be breaking news to many people out there though. Like I said, I just had to balance it out.


Bank Error In Your Favor - A Pennsylvania couple is behind bars after police say they failed to call the bank when a glitch put an extra $175,000 in their account. Authorities say 50-year-old Randy Pratt and 36-year-old Melissa Pratt instead withdrew the money, quit their jobs and moved to Florida. They were buying a house in the Orlando area when the mistake was traced. The two were arraigned Tuesday on theft and other charges and jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail. A public defender was being assigned. A $1,772.50 deposit showed up in their FNB Bank account last summer as $177,250. Police say Melissa Pratt said her husband, a roofing installer, often got large checks and she wasn't aware of any error. Nice try. Oh yeah, I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware. It was all his idea. That's the kind of wife I want right there. Still, I'm a big fan of Monopoly…and if there's a bank error in your favor, I seem to recall that you get $200. Due to inflation from when that game was made, I think that'd work out to about $175,000 today. I mean…where else can you buy the entire Boardwalk of Atlantic City for $400? You guys don't need a public defender, you need a doctor…who is just looking to use the Monopoly Defense in a court case that has absolutely nothing to do with anti-trust laws. Gimme a call. You know the number…and I'll work for a plane ticket out to Philly for the weekend. Think of it this way, you have nothing to lose…because you're going to jail anyway. I may be able to at least confuse them for a second…or there's always the Peter Griffin Defense, "I thought I was like their millionth customer or something."



Steve McQueen Update - Producers Michael Cerenzie and Christine Peters are working on a biopic for my namesake Steve McQueen according to Variety. The project will primarily chronicle McQueen's Hollywood career, which began in 1956 when the Indiana native got his break in the film "Somebody Up There Likes Me". The pair will produce, along with Brian Oliver and Chuck Rock, based on the Marshall Terrill-penned biography "Portrait of an American Rebel". It also examines his three marriages, including his stormy relationship with Ali McGraw, as well as his battle against lung cancer and off-screen penchant for motorcycles, fast cars, fast women and drugs. "The King of Cool" led a pretty exciting life…including convincing THE Chuck Norris to act, training with Bruce Lee, Sarah Tate & Jay Sebring of the Manson Murders were friends of his, and even though he starred in a bunch of blockbusters, he turned down roles in movies ranging from Breakfast at Tiffany's to Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid to Apocalypse Now to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Anyway, it could be pretty good…but I don't anticipate a summer blockbuster.



Karate Kid Update - In the most predictable casting call possible, martial arts legend Jackie Chan is in negotiations to star in Sony Pictures and Overbrook Entertainment's remake of "The Karate Kid" says the trades. Chan would take on the mentor role of Mr. Miyagi, made famous by Pat Morita in the original. Jaden Smith (son of the Fresh Prince) is set to star as the boy that Chan trains, and the movie will examine the relationship between a martial arts expert and a boy who is picked on by bullies. Harald Zwart ("One Night at McCool's" and the new "Pink Panther 2") has been signed on to helm the feature which will begin shooting this year in Beijing, Chris Murphy (originals) has been attached to pen the screenplay. I hate to say it…but I predicted it two months ago when it was first announced. Still think Sonny Chiba would've been better. More of a straight-face comedy like Pat Morita. Next prediction - Jackie Chan will act like a drunken monkey at least once during the movie. Maybe they'll have bring back a star from the original, like Ralph Macchio as the school janitor…or Elisabeth Shue as Jaden's mom. Oh yeah, the skin tone might not work…or at least need some extra explanation. Fine, a caring school teacher then. There you go Chris Murphy. I'm already helping you out. Any chance I could get a role as one of the bully's friends…who was held back a few years. "Put him in a body bag!!! Yeaaaah!!!"



Anyway, that'll do it for today. Super excited about my mom coming to town tomorrow. I don't know if you realize this…but I really love my mama. Not quite to the point of those guys on that "Momma's Boys" show, which I'm a little ashamed to say, I've seen a few episodes of…and yeah, I want that racist bitch mom to get attacked by sharks in the pool or something…but we'll see how it goes. Hopefully her son JoJo or whatever can find a good girl. By the way, is it just me…or are 90% of the girls on that show centerfolds? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, mama's coming to town. Gonna be a fun weekend…and I even get Martin Luther King Day off from work so I can spend the day with her. Yippee!!! Have a great day everybody!!!