Captain EO Returns for Your Children

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you know, the weekend was a lot of fun…and then Sunday was basically just relaxing and watching movies and stuff. I’m about half way through Season 3 of “Dexter” and watched the remake of “The Taking of Pelham 123” with John Travolta & Denzel Washington. The story is about a NYC subway train getting hijacked and held for a $10 million ransom by Travolta and his band of merry men…and Denzel is the controller who gets the call. You’ve seen the previews, I’m sure. It was pretty good. What you would expect from a Tony Scott directed movie like “The Last Boy Scout” & “Déjà vu” but it was no “True Romance”. It was better than the original (where Walter Matthau was the star) especially from an action standpoint but…yeah, give it a glance if you like that kind of stuff. If not, you’re not missing a whole lot. Anyway, that was my boring weekend. It was two degrees when I drove to work this morning so there was a little ice from the light snow yesterday but nothing too bad. Honestly, I’ve been here the worst three months of winter thus far…and there’s really only been like four storms that have come through where I even needed to shovel and the sun the next day didn’t melt away the snow. I’m sure it isn’t typical of this area…and I know there’s still like two months left…but I’m glad that Gretchen’s been able to get me through the bad times with relative ease. Anyway, here’s the news…

It’s A Small World Record - A man who is only 22 inches tall left his home country of Nepal on Sunday in a quest to be recognized as the world's shortest man. Khagendra Thapa Magar is traveling to Europe to campaign for the Guinness World Record title. He applied to London-based group for a place in the record book in October, soon after turning 18, but said he has not received any response (does FedEx go to Nepal?). Magar's family initially filed a claim when he was 14, but it was rejected because he was not an adult and there was a chance he might grow. They say doctors in Nepal have not been able to explain why Magar is so small (my guess, drinking coffee & smoking four packs a day since he was able to grip). "We are going to Italy to try to record his name in the Guinness Book of World Records," his father, Rup Bahadur Thapa Magar, told reporters in Katmandu (yes, it’s a real city…and the capital of Nepal). They plan to appear on an Italian television show to talk about his bid for the title (hopefully with a translator). Once in Italy, Magar, his father and a supporter will decide on their next destination (after stops in Venice, Rome & Florence, might I suggest Cannes?). His supporters saw him off from the Nepalese capital on Sunday, offering flower bouquets and garlands. The current record is held by He Pingping of China, who is 29 inches tall. Wow. So not only is this probably the smallest man in the world…but by a full seven inches. Pretty impressive. Good luck with your journey, Mr. Magar.

It’s A Tall World Record - A 250-pound blue Great Dane from Arizona gives new meaning to the term "big dog." Guinness World Records says Giant George from Tucson is the tallest dog ever on record. Guinness said Monday that he stands 3 feet, 7 inches tall from paw to shoulder, which is three-quarters of an inch taller than his closest rival — Titan, a white Great Dane from San Diego. The 4-year-old Titan took the title of world's tallest dog in 2009 after Gibson, a Great Dane from Grass Valley, California, died of bone cancer. Guinness officials say there were conflicting reports about Giant George's height, so they sent a judge to verify it. The 4-year-old is owned by David Nasser. So now we at least know that there’s a dog that Mr. Magar can ride around on if he so pleased to. That’s really all I’ve got on this story other than to say “That’s a HUGE b**ch!!!”

Elvis / Vegas Update – As if any of us needed another reason to visit Vegas, here’s one more. Three decades after Elvis Presley took his last bow on the Las Vegas Strip, where he once reigned as king, the magicians of Cirque du Soleil have tried to summon back the power of this supreme entertainer in a show titled, "Viva Elvis." They have mixed a dizzying array of dance, acrobatics, live musicians, over-the-top stage sets, and glitzy costumes with gigantic videos of Elvis in his most legendary performances and memorable life events. The 45 candy-colored, whimsically designed jumpsuits worn by a dance troupe are fun to watch. And the show has 120 costume changes, including a Follies-like Las Vegas number. So yeah, if you’re into Cirque du Soleil…or Elvis, there you go. I’m still thinking that Zumanity will be my first intro to Cirque du Soleil when/if I give it a shot…but hey, Elvis or the Beatles couldn’t be too bad. It’d be like Zepparella…if they were contortionists. Hmm… I think I’ve got a few calls to make on that idea. Speaking of the dead rising from the grave…

Captain EO Returns for Your Children - "Captain EO" and Michael Jackson are returning to Disneyland. The park says it will show the 1986 Jackson musical film beginning Tuesday and running indefinitely. On the Disney Parks blog, Disney executive Heather Hust Rivera says the park will show a 70mm print of the 17-minute movie in the Tomorrowland theater, with enhanced sound. However, Rivera says the showing won't feature some special effects from the original presentation. She would not elaborate (leaving me to speculate there will be less pelvic thrusting in 3D). The original presentation included lasers and smoke. Jackson, who died last year, plays the role of a spaceship captain who uses love and music (as opposed to lasers & smoke bombs) to fight a wicked witch queen played by Anjelica Huston (“Addams Family”). The original ran at Disneyland from 1986-1997. The new showing replaces the 3-D show "Honey, I Shrunk the Audience." It was only a matter of time really. Now, I remember Captain EO vaguely from my first trip to Disneyland when I was six…but I don’t plan on watching it when/if I go back to Disneyland on my road trip this April (currently not on the list). I’m curious how this will be received by parents in the next little while…but hey, it should be fun. I can’t wait for the first group of kids to watch it and go, “Michael Jackson was BLACK?!?” Ah, Disneyland. Where a kid can be a kid (or is that Chuck E. Cheese?). To be a kid again and blissfully ignorant & happy to all around you. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Well, that may never be again for most of us (at least until Alzheimer’s set in) but…there’s no need to fret.

How to Be Happy - The pursuit of happiness is sometimes easier said than done. God knows (as well as some of my friends) that I’ve had my moments of loneliness and Gloomy Gus Days. Luckily not that often but still, it creeps up on ya when you’re 500 miles from your closest friend and/or relative (well, I do have my stepsister in Carson City but…) Some scientists have argued that happiness is largely determined by genetics, health and other factors mostly outside of our control…but recent research suggests people actually can take charge of their own happiness and boost it through certain practices. "The billion-dollar question is - Is it possible to become happier?" said psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside. "Despite the finding that happiness is partially genetically determined, and despite the finding that life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do, we argue that still a large portion of happiness is in our power to change." Lyubomirsky spoke in San Diego Saturday at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS?). She and colleagues last year reviewed 51 studies that tested attempts to increase happiness through different types of positive thinking, and found that these practices can significantly enhance well-being. The results were published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology. Here are five things that research has shown can improve happiness:

1. Be Grateful - Some study participants were asked to write letters of gratitude to people who had helped them in some way. The study found that these people reported a lasting increase in happiness - over weeks and even months - after implementing the habit. What's even more surprising: Sending the letter is not necessary. Even when people wrote letters but never delivered them to the addressee, they still reported feeling better afterwards. You know, similar to when you write an angry letter to somebody…and don’t send it…but they tell you that part too late…and then the real fun begins and you’re grateful that you still have your health because your ass just got fired. Only vice versa. Being grateful for what you have and what others have done for you will help you through some rough times. Just remember to pay it forward.

2. Be Optimistic - Another practice that seems to help is optimistic thinking. Study participants were asked to visualize an ideal future - for example, living with a loving and supportive partner, or finding a job that was fulfilling - and describe the image in a journal entry. After doing this for a few weeks, these people too reported increased feelings of well-being. Yeah, I know. It sounds like “The Secret” but again, it’s visualizing the positive outcome. You know me, normally I’m Optimist Prime but we all have our moments. The key is to focus on the good and just know that you can do it. You’re awesome. And if you ever need anybody to help you know it, you know where to find me.

3. Count Your Blessings - People who practice writing down three good things that have happened to them every week show significant boosts in happiness, studies have found. It seems the act of focusing on the positive helps people remember reasons to be glad. For example, Lilie & JL Clyde have gotten me in the habit of asking people for their “Best Thing Today?” It’s simple, sweet & shows interest in another person. Whether it’s big news like a new job or finally paying off a bill…or something like, a stranger was giving you the eye or a compliment that somebody paid you that day, reliving those great moments again really helps you to realize how lucky you are. Also, I’ve found that every once in a while, just cataloging your numerous blessing really helps to overcome & outweigh the problems that you might have at that time. You know me, the logical approach…but it really does help. When you go over stuff like your family, friends, where you live, your health, the smell of rain, you make the world’s best sandwiches, how people can’t help but smile when they see you smile, all the wonderful gifts that you have…and then compare it with something like, your job is unfulfilling or your car broke down. Even if it’s something huge like…a loved one passing. Keeping it all in perspective will help you realize that you should focus on the good times during the time that you had with them…and maybe reconnect with others that you haven’t been around in a while. I know that’s a horrible example…but I’m just saying, even if you don’t realize it, you truly are blessed. Sometimes it’s just hard to remember when your mind’s going 100 MPH. Believe me, my mind’s ALWAYS doing Indy Car speeds. Do I have ADHD? Probably…but I call it Imagination.

4. Use Your Strengths - Another study asked people to identify their greatest strengths, and then to try to use these strengths in new ways. For example, someone who says they have a good sense of humor could try telling jokes to lighten up business meetings or cheer up sad friends. This habit, too, seems to heighten happiness (and I can personally attest to that example). Why do you think I do this blog? Boredom? A little bit. Mostly it’s because I like to make people happy…and even think a little bit…but not too much. I know there’s a few of you out there that enjoy my little rants (and the price is right…for now). My strengths, as I see them, are numerous…and this blog helps me to use some of them like my sense of humor, my ability to open up to people…and therefore help them to open up (not over the internet obviously), find the positive (or perverted) in just about anything, offer sincerity & sweetness not often found in most people, and most of all, help people to get a good hearty workout by literally laughing their asses off. Seriously. I’m expecting a call from that Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser to call me up as a special guest trainer or something. You think your sides hurt from stomach crunches? Just wait until I’m through help you bust your gut all over the room. Oh…and I can turn just about anything into a sexual innuendo (in your end-oh).

5. Commit Acts Of Kindness - It turns out helping others also helps ourselves. People who donate time or money to charity, or who altruistically assist people in need, report improvements in their own happiness. Yeah, donating money, time, blood, semen, hair, all that stuff can be very rewarding to your soul (I think you can guess which one’s the most fun). Those sayings where “you get what you give” and “better to give than receive” all come from somewhere…and not just Christmas commercials. Heck, even just little things like holding the door for somebody, or asking them how their day is…and really wanting to know, or helping somebody with their groceries, or giving away your 2nd Twix bar, or thanking somebody at work for doing their job, or saying “Your hair looks great today”, or some other thing that, I know for me, can seem like it would come across as a little weird and possibly disastrous if they take it the wrong way (“Quit looking at my hair, stalker!!!”) can really make somebody’s day. Later on, they may just have a little story that they share with their friends…and get to relive it again. “So I was having a horrible day…and basically preparing my speech for quitting that f**king job today…but then, Cindy came up to me and told me I’ve been doing a great job…and offered me a Twix bar. Then we chatted for like twenty minutes about my streaks. I was surprised that anybody even noticed. Hell, my husband hasn’t yet. I don’t know, maybe I’ve got that place all wrong. There really are some nice people there, it just seems so busy all the time that I miss the little things.” It’s like CRACK (Commit Random Acts of Contagious Kindness) to some of us. Sure payment is usually in smiles & thank you’s…and that sure don’t pay the bills…but it’ll help you keep your mind fresh & ready and full of that lovin’ feeling. Whoaoo, that lovin’ feeling. Anyway, Lyubomirsky has also created a free iPhone application, called Live Happy, to help people boost their well-being. So if you’re tech savvy, give it a shot too.

Also, a big happy birthday to the Great Emancipator himself, Abraham Tiberius Lincoln. Okay, I don’t think he had a middle name…so I went with one that sounded good. It seemed like just over a year ago when I rambled a bit about him & how I hoped Obama would be the next great President. I still have hope…but it seems politics are just too damn ridiculous to get anything done without just saying “F**k the rules” and doing whatever you want. Still Obama, I respect what you’re trying to do…and do things the right way. Keep your head up…and if I might make a suggestion, try rocking a hat. No, not one of those top hats…but you know, maybe a Kangol cap or a nice pompadour or something. Give it a shot. They’re not going to impeach you for a fashion statement. Fine, just keep it classy. And don’t be afraid to throw in a “B**ch please” every once in a while when somebody says something idiotic in one of your meetings. “President Obama, why do you think there has been so much resistance by the Republicans for your health care plan?” “B**ch please, you know why. Because it’s not their idea & it takes money out of their pockets. Just another case of Whitey holdin’ us back when they should be holdin’ us down like WHOA!!!” Sorry to turn Obama into Black Rob like that…but hey, it’d be refreshing. What was my point? Oh yeah, happy birthday Mister former President. May Marilyn give you a lap dance in heaven. Still can’t wait for your movie to come out.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully this little rambling brightened up your day a bit. I’m glad to report that Bubbles’ mom is out of surgery and doing just fine. May she have a speedy & complete recovery. Other than that, I shall bid you adieu…and remember to count your blessings. Have a great day everybody!!!

Big Legged Woman Ain't Got No Soul

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was pretty awesome. But I'm gonna make you read to get to the best part, the Zepparella concert. I slept in (which I really enjoyed) and then decided to go take a walk, since it was a beautiful morning. About ten minutes into my walk, the clouds rolled in and the temperature dropped quickly. I kept going though...and had a nice hour walk to get the blood flowing.

When I got back home, I was flipping though the channels and decided to watch "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist" starring Michael Cera and...the teenage girl from 40 Year Old Virgin (I think her name was Kat). Basically, as you could tell from the previews, it's about a guy (Cera) who is still hung up on his now ex-girlfriend and makes her a bunch of mix CDs, that she basically passes on to her friend (Kat) who really likes them. Anyway, there's this band playing in the big city...and they both go separately to try to find them (because apparently it's a secret concert) and they meet up...and yeah, I'm already bored too. It's one of those teenage drama romantic comedy things...and it's okay but...not my cup of tea. It's kinda cute at points...but mostly it just makes me bitter that people have so much drama for no reason sometimes. It's like "Really? Suck it up. Move on."

Shortly after that, I made my way to the North Shore area and stopped by my favorite spot so far, the beach. I took a few shots. Hope you enjoy...

After that, I went to get the ticket to Zepparella at the Cal Neva Resort & Spa in Incline Village (like two miles from the beach). Here are some photos of the North Lake Tahoe equivalent of the Las Vegas Strip...

Chief Joseph

I don't think that's a heated pool...

Yes, it may look like it's the size of a Starbucks...

but it's a casino

Oh yeah, eat your heart out, Las Vegas Boulevard!!!

For dinner though, I decided to go preview the Tahoe City area, where they will be hosting the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl in less than three weeks when my mom comes to visit. I had fish tacos at the Blue Agave, a pretty nice Mexican bar & grill. Here are some pictures of the area...

Congrats to some local Olympians!!!

Then I made my way back to Cal Neva so that I could have me a few pre-show drinks, throw some money away at the roulette wheel, and meet a few neat people. Drinks & losing a lot of money for nothing will do that (experience at casinos & gentlemen's clubs). Regardless, I made a few concert buddies, including a guy from Reno who was there with his friend & their wives, we were fascinated by the Frank Sinatra Showroom (oh yeah, Sinatra was big there) and how music is so completely different now than in the 70's when Led Zeppelin was around. For example, one of the songs while we were waiting was "I'm Getting Closer to My Hooooooome..." which I'm sure every single one of you know...but can you tell me who sings it? Also, did you realize that's the only lyric, over & over again, for the entire song? I had never realized it before (and I had to Google it to tell you that it's Grand Funk Railroad that sings it). Would that be a hit today? Would Led Zeppelin be the greatest rock band of all time if they were around these days...or would they be just another band struggling for gigs due to their controversial lyrics & unhealthy lifestyle? Well, thank God we have ZEPPARELLA!!!!

Again, Zepparella is an all-female Led Zeppelin cover band...and they can f**king ROCK!!! The drummer Clementine must've signed a contract with the devil to play the drums just like Bonham, the lead singer Anna is apparently also a popular Bay Area stage performer...but really belts out the Robert Plant passion-filled lyrics with her own twist on them (you know, being a woman as opposed to a horny man in tight leather pants), and the bass player Nila makes you feel it in your bones. However, throughout the show, I was drawn to the lead guitarist...both for the eye candy...and her undeniable skills on the git box. Please enjoy the pictures...

Starts with pics of Marilyn & the Rat Pack? Good sign.

ZEPPARELLA!!!

Oh yeah, she's even pulling out the cello bow

Oh...and I almost forgot to mention, the lead guitarist's name was announced at the end of the show...and it's Gretchen. Yeah. Gretchen, the name that I've always mysteriously been captivated by...yet had no idea why. Awesome, right? So I had to meet them after the show...if not just for that. Thanks to the Roulette Wheel, I was all out of cash so I didn't buy T-shirts & CDs and what-not (sorry ladies, I'll get some next time you come to town or if you're back home in San Fran soon or something, pinky swear) but I basically said something along the lines of "You ladies were amazing tonight. TRULY amazing!!! And by the way, Gretchen is quite possibly my favorite name of all time." "Well, I'm pretty partial to it myself. Hahahaha!!!" "You ladies want a drink or anything?" "No thanks, we've got to get things packed up & get to bed." "Well, if you need help getting tucked in..." "Hahaha, thanks, but I've got it covered." "Alright, well it was nice to meet you ladies. Hope to see you again here soon." Great night...and I may have been a little buzzed still...but was quickly sobered by the snowy drive home around midnight. Please go check these ladies out when/if they come to your deck of the woods. If you love Zeppelin, you'll LOVE Zepparella.

Anyway, that was yesterday...and today will probably be a bunch of laundry and cleaning and stuff. P.S. I've been watching a lot of these "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" shows on the Travel Channel...and it's oddly making me want to travel internationally again very soon. I've had my new passport for almost a year now...and there's no stamps on it. That has to change soon. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on that. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Good Reasons to Get Drunk

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My mom has sent me her itinerary and she’ll be here three weeks from this morning. I can’t wait. Not only do I get to see my mama for the first time since Christmas…and we get to spend a four-day weekend together…and we always seem to have fun no matter what the circumstances…but we have a great chance to get sh*t faced too. “What? But $teve, she’s not going to be there for St. Patrick’s Day like you & the Mad Scientist spent in Denver last year and you & several of your coworkers developed “strep throat” that next workday.” That is absolutely true…but there’s the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl the previous Friday night down in North Lake Tahoe as part of Snowfest! So that should be a fun time. I’ve been on Wine Walks with my mother before down at Lake Las Vegas…and it’s always epic when my mom & I are mildly intoxicated. So if anybody would care to join us (and maybe be a designated driver) I promise there’d be a great show. Anyway, that’s about it. Here’s the news…

Chicago Opportunity – The recession has left a LOT of people out of work…and scrambling about the country in search for jobs (as has been well documented on this blog). However, now there’s an opportunity for somebody in the Chicago area that’s rather unique. Help wanted: registered voter with a conscience for position on the Chicago City Council. Salary $110,556 a year (get the f**k out, really?). Ex-felons need not apply (no convictions on my resume). Chicago Mayor Richard Daley decided to take a different approach to fill two vacancies on the city's 50-member city council, posting a notice on the city's website listing qualifications for the job. Candidates should be registered voters, have lived in the ward for a least a year and provide three letters of recommendation attesting to their community involvement. No current politicians, tax delinquents or anyone convicted of any "infamous crime, bribery, perjury or other felony" need apply. One vacancy was created when the previous office-holder pleaded guilty to illegally accepting favors from a developer. The aldermanic appointments will be the mayor's 34th and 35th, and he has indicated he is fed up with the high rate of malfeasance in the council (then again, that’s like being upset about all the allergies when you’re a zookeeper). "You've got to start somewhere," Daley spokesman Lance Lewis said. "We want to encourage residents who are interested to apply." The six-digit civil servant salary is a great start. I wouldn’t think there was a need for a bribe with a paycheck like that (only about four times what I made last year before taxes…and I worked in three f**king states). I wonder if there’s any jobs like that here in Truckee. You know, part time alderman or weekend baby kisser or something. Hell, I’d be Arnie’s court jester if it paid that well. “Bring in da funny man.” “Hey hey hey! How’s it going, Dutch? Long time no understand.” “Enough of de maacking of my ass-ent. Dance for me, monkey!” “Not until you say get down.” “GIT DAOOOWN!!!” “Wit cho bad self, say it loud!!!” “I’M BAACK & I’M PROUD!!!” “SAY IT LOUD!!!” “I’M BAACK & I’M PROUD!!!” I’d be the hardest working man in politics, which isn’t saying much…but it’s saying something.

Livin’ Like Eskimos - It's quite the man cave. Jimmy Grey says he's been out of work for almost a year and needed a project to stay busy. So with the heavy snowfall this winter, the 25-year-old laborer got to work on an extreme igloo in his family's yard in Aquilla, Ohio, about 30 miles east of Cleveland. His four-room creation has 6-foot ceilings (must be an average-sized gentleman) and an entertainment room. He powers the TV with an extension cord plugged into an outlet in the garage. He also ran wires for cable television with surround-sound stereo. Grey says candles help add ambiance for nighttime get-togethers with friends, and the freezing temperatures mean that the beer never goes warm. Not bad. Yet another example of what happens when creative people get bored when they’re unemployed…and this one didn’t involve porn on a billboard (just in the sanctity of his own Fortress of Solitude). Very nice, Mr. Grey.

Bacon Update – Yes, another update on everybody’s 2nd favorite kind of bacon, the Kevin variety. Apparently, he and Djimon Hounsou (“Gladiator”, “Push”, “Blood Diamond”) will team on the action thriller "Elephant White" for Millennium Films says Reuters. Hounsou will play a mercenary and Bacon is an old acquaintance of his with shifting allegiances (“WILD CARD, B**CHES!!! WOOOHOOOOO!!!”). And of course, since there’s an elephant in the title of the movie, Thai director Prachya Pinkaew ("Chocolate" and the "Ong-Bak" movies) will make his English-language directorial debut on the film which Kevin Bernhardt penned. Shooting kicks off March 8th in Thailand. It will probably be a pretty good movie…more along the lines of “Blood Diamond” than “Ong-Bak.” Then again, if Kevin Bacon can turn his footloose moves into half of what Tony Jaa can do…then we may have a real kick-ass movie on our hands. We all know that he can dance fight…







Rappers & Romney Rumble – This story was just too good to pass up. A rap singer says former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney (“Who let the dogs out?”) first touched him (and not the other way around) during a confrontation aboard an Air Canada flight that was preparing to take off from Vancouver, British Columbia. Sky Blu, whose given name is Skyler Gordy, says in a video posted Friday on TMZ.com (so it must be true) that he was trying to go to sleep when he leaned his seat back in the coach section of a the Vancouver-to-Los Angeles flight Monday. He says Romney loudly told him several times to straighten it (and fly right?), as is required until takeoff under commercial flight regulations. Then, he says, Romney reached forward and grabbed his shoulder (oh it’s ON now). "I just react — boom — get off me, you know," Gordy says in the video, taking a swing through the air as he speaks. "And I didn't take it any further than that. I just wanted the man not to touch me; that's it." Gordy says that Romney's wife, Ann, screamed and that the plane returned to the gate before two police officers escorted him off. After being detained briefly, he was allowed to buy a ticket for another flight. Romney spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom had no comment Friday about whether Gordy was the man with whom Romney had the confrontation, but aides said this week that Romney told them he thought the other person was in a band. Christine Wolff at Interscope Records confirmed that Gordy made the video, which also was posted on the group's Web site. Air Canada referred calls to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Sgt. Rob Vermeulen confirmed there was an incident on the flight, but he refused to release the names of those involved because no one was arrested (and it’s none of your damn business). Shortly after the confrontation, Fehrnstrom said the passenger became "physically violent" with Romney, but the former Massachusetts governor did not retaliate and instead let the authorities deal with it. Gordy says in the video that Romney grabbed him with a "condor grip," as a sidekick play-acts the scene and adds: "Vulcan grip." (So which was it? Condor or Vulcan?) Gordy then outlines his objection, saying, "I'm not your prey. I'm not a salmon going upstream. You're not going to rip me up." The rapper says he was on the flight because he and his group, LMFAO, had been performing in Vancouver, where the Olympic Winter Games are being held. The Romneys were also there as special guests after Mitt Romney's (alleged) work heading the 2002 Games in Salt Lake City. Gordy says that after the plane pulled away from the gate, he put a jacket over his head and was trying to go to sleep when he felt "too upright." After he reclined his seat, he says, he heard Romney say repeatedly and loudly, "Sir, sir, put your seat up." Gordy says in the video that he pulled off his jacket, wondered whether Romney was being serious and then thought to himself, "If you ask nicely, I'll put it up." But then things got physical, he says. LMFAO, composed of Stefan Gordy and nephew Skyler, made their debut last year and are known for party music. They are best known for their club hit "I'm In Miami, B**ch" (which I assume is inspired by a true story) They were recently nominated for a Grammy for their debut CD, "Party Rock." Stefan Gordy is the son of Motown founder Berry Gordy…and Skyler is Berry Gordy's grandson. I’m sorry, I just…could you imagine being on a flight, waiting for take off, then all of a sudden you hear “Back up off me, son” and see Lil Jon square up against Al Gore or something. “Now look sir, according to federal regulation…” “HWHAAAT???” “I was saying, according to federal regul…” “HWHAAAT???” “According to federal…” “HWHAAAT???” “Sir, are you aware that you’re frustrating me?” “YEAAAAH!!! Whatchu gon’ do?” “Excuse me, stewardess. This man is not cooperating with…” “GET LOW!!!” “Excuse me?” KA-POW!!! Lil Jon sends Al back into his seat with an overhand right. “I warned ya playa!!! YEAH, YEAH…” Gore gets back up as everybody on the plane now has their video cameras out from under their seat & overhead compartments and cell phones set to YouTube download. “Sir, I am not a man of violence. Perhaps if we discuss this over a glass of Crunk Juice…” “WATCHOUTNOW!!!” Another punch is caught mid-route by the former Vice President, who with a mere flick of the wrist sends the flamboyant writer / producer into his seat in the full, upright position. Security approaches the two men, now seated comfortably, “Excuse me sir. Do we have a problem here?” “I don’t know, Mister Jon. DO we have a problem?” “YE… No sir. I believe we have settled our differences sufficiently. I was out of line. Please forgive me.” “Absolutely. Would you care for another drink?” “No, thank you.” Anyway, just a thought…and I’m waiting for the rematch of Motown versus Beantown (sorry Boston, but Mitt’s allegedly from Massachusetts so I’m pinning him on you) on UFC 112 or something.

Supposedly to snow a bit this weekend so we’ll see if I can find a way to entertain myself. I trust in my abilities though. Really excited about the pub crawl in a few weeks. I may have to start practicing in the evenings…you know, after the workout, do a few 12 ounce curls until I hurl. I’m starting to really plan things out for my road trip in April too so…yeah, getting excited about that too. SO many things that I want to see all along the Pacific Coast…and in Vegas & Utah…and only a few weeks to check them out. Also, if the weather cooperates, I'm going to an all-female Led Zeppelin cover band - Zepperella. Until then though, I’ve just gotta save up the fun fund so that I can afford all of it. Hopefully my tax refund comes in soon. That’d be sweet. Have a great day everybody!!!

When Geniuses Get Bored

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well it’s official. My mama’s coming to visit in a few weeks…only she hasn’t sent me the specific dates…and of course she can’t remember…so yeah, to be continued. We’re also supposed to get just a few inches over the weekend…but that’s probably good since most of the economy out here relies on snowfall this time of year. Speaking of snow, congratulations to all the big winners at the Olympics in Vancouver. Way to bring home the gold, silver & bronze for the red, white & blue!!! Here’s the news…

Utah Highway Story – My dad was a cop for a large part of my childhood…and these kind of bedtime stories always entertained me. Definitely more so than tales of Dragons & Princesses and all that. A Utah Highway Patrol trooper found much more than he was looking for when he responded to a report of a car broken down on the side of the freeway. Not only did the trooper find a marijuana pipe in the car, it turns out the car was stolen (uh-oh). And worst of all, the trooper had interrupted a 17-year-old boy and a 34-year-old woman, who were trying to put their clothes back on. (Really? A stolen car…and “worst of all” was a little roadside ass-istance? F**king Utah…) Cameron Roden of the Utah Highway Patrol said, "[The trooper] walked up, he noticed the windows were a little fogged up and as he looked in the vehicle, he noticed there was a male and female in different stages of dress. He made contact with them and found there was something more going on in the vehicle." The car was along the shoulder of I-15 in Orem when the trooper responded. He found the driver, 34-year-old Suzanna McGraw, was adjusting her clothing and a 17-year-old boy in the car was only in his underwear (and proud of it, I’m sure). The boy told the officer the car had run out of gas (and she was teaching her how to cipher gas?), but the only thing the trooper found wrong with the car was that it was stolen. In the end, McGraw was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual activity with a minor, possession of a stolen vehicle and possession of drug paraphernalia. "You don't expect to run into that right in the middle of the city area with something like that going on on the side of the freeway. But we do run into it from time to time, and so we have to be prepared for some of the things we come upon," Roden said. McGraw does have a criminal history of several arrests and was arrested just last month in Orem for possessing a stolen car (ugh…so that’s not a bad thing then?). Troopers say they released the teenager to a responsible adult, and he could also face charges. Some stolen stereo equipment was also found inside the car. McGraw is still being held in the Utah County jail. Her bail has been set at $5,000. Glad to see that Utah hasn’t changed since I left. Sure, steal a car or two, do a little puff-puff-pass…but may God have mercy on your soul if you have sex on the side of the road. Yes, I did read the part where the kid was seventeen…but he didn’t seem to mind. Hell, he’s probably the one who brought the weed & the tunes. We’ve all had our roadside tomfoolery before (at least us exhibitionists) and it’s always a bummer when you get caught…but that’s also half the fun, right? Hell, that kid’s probably going to be king of the school when he goes back…well, until they see the mugshot. Anyway, what’s my point? Oh yeah, worst of all…shame on the UHP for cockblocking. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

Billboard Guy Busted – Speaking of roadside shenanigans, remember a few weeks ago when a two-minute porn clip was played on a billboard next to the Kremlin in Moscow? Well, the Russian authorities got their man. Russian police said on Tuesday they had arrested a prankster who hacked into a computer system to show a pornographic movie on a giant advertising screen, causing havoc on a busy Moscow thoroughfare. The two-minute clip, displayed on a video screen above a main road south of the Kremlin, caused midnight traffic jams and a frenzy of excitement across the Russian blogosphere. Police said the hacker gained control of the screen by breaking into an online company's server in the volatile southern region of Chechnya as "he didn't think the police would go looking for him there." (True…but the Mafia will hunt you down anywhere) Police said, "(The hacker) is a highly-educated, temporarily unemployed and extremely advanced Internet user. The scandalous film was the talk of the town." The 40-year-old man said he wanted to "give people a laugh," the popular daily Kommersant reported. Rossiya-24 television said an elderly motorist suffered a heart attack at the wheel after seeing the scenes (Really? If so, it was from a lifetime of eating sausage & drinking vodka, not a horrible camera angle of balls slapping thigh on a big screen). Why do I bring up this story? No, not to give you the image of that horrible camera angle. Because I just wanted to let you know what happens when a bored man who is “highly educated” and “unemployed” does with his free time in this economy. He just wanted to make people laugh…and he caused a man to have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack (you oughta know by now). Well, I got a laugh out of it half the world away…and hopefully you did too. Kudos Kommerade.

Batman Update – There has been another (alleged) Batman sighting…and of course, it was where the real Batman wishes he could’ve been…but dad had to work all week. Brazil's Carnival revelry drew to a close on Wednesday with the anxiously awaited award for the best parade in Rio de Janeiro going to a show featuring skiers dressed like Batman and a pregnant drum queen. The Unidos da Tijuca samba group won the battle for Rio bragging rights for the first time in 74 years for their parade entitled "It's a Secret!" (shhh, don’t tell) that also featured rapid-fire costume changes and a dancing impersonator of the late pop singer Michael Jackson. Its drum section was led by a four-month pregnant television presenter, Adriane Galisteu. The Viradouro group, which whipped up controversy by selecting a seven-year-old as its drum queen, finished last and was relegated to the second division. Rio's samba schools are organized into two separate divisions. Each year 12 samba "schools" of samba parade elaborate sparkling costumes, props and extravagant floats. Judges' marks for the parades are painstakingly read out for over an hour on national television on Ash Wednesday. The schools, which provide an annual coming-out for many of Rio's most impoverished slum areas, often have skit-like elements, making the overall experience a cross between Disney World and an Italian opera (sounds lame…but the Brazilian hotties help). "It's a spectacle that has a lot of culture, a lot of history and a bit of theatre. I get goose bumps, it's a very strong, very nice feeling," said Amanda Souza, 24, as she waited for a parade at Rio's Sambadrome stadium Sunday night. Rio street parties, or "blocos," as they are known in the city, continued on Wednesday as revellers partied up until the vote. With names like "Christ's Arm Pits" and "Don't Move Because It Stinks," they have increased in popularity in recent years as an alternative to the scripted parades. Although near-naked women in tiny bikinis have become the iconic image of Rio's Carnival (ah yeah), exposed flesh is a small aspect of the elaborate displays that provide thousands of people with work and happiness each year. "Without Carnival, I don't think I could live." said Luiz Paulo, 22, as he waited to parade. The samba songs that accompany each parade speak of social issues, national heroes and important moments in Brazilian or world history. A school this year honored the 50th anniversary of the founding of Brasilia, the nation's capital. The blue-and-white Beija Flor school launched the parade with a float of Brasilia's iconic cathedral and sang "Brasilia: the capital of hope." Another group opened its pink-and-green parade with a mock confrontation between police and prisoners to show how music was a liberating force for the country during its 1964-1985 military dictatorship. See? My blog can be educational. You didn’t know about a Brazilian dictatorship. Admit it. A spectator said the Carnival helps her to overcome some fears in a city that suffers from frequent violence and confrontations between the police and drug-traffickers. "We forget our problems. We get courage to walk on the streets," said Inaura dos Santos Martins, 58, who attends the annual event at the Sambadrome. I want to make it to Rio before I die. Luckily with today’s modern medicine that gives me about a century to do so…but I also realize that it’s right in the heart of the Apocalypse where there are already thirty foot anacondas nearby…but I’m willing to risk it (as long as I’m strapped). Carnival is alleged like Mardi Gras…but in Brazil. Having done Mardi Gras, now I think I need to take the next step…and I haven’t been to South America yet…so it makes sense. Who wants to go with me? Maybe we can hitch a ride with the Batman.

Walk on Walls – Want to be a superhero? Or the world’s most technologically advanced peeping Tom? Well, a new high-tech suction device could allow humans to walk on walls like Spider-Man or create adhesive devices that could be turned on and off with the flick of a switch. The contraption, inspired by a beetle (insect, not vehicle) that can hold on to a leaf with a force 100 times its weight, uses the surface tension of water to make an adhesive bond, but it does so with a creative twist. It could be used to create sticky shoes or gloves (we’ve all been there…and Spiderman’s not the only superhero that can shoot a sticky web). The device consists of a flat top plate riddled with tiny holes, each just a few hundred microns (a millionth of a meter) wide. A bottom plate holds water. In between is a porous layer. A 9-volt battery powers an electric field that forces water to squeeze through the tiny holes in the top layer. The surface tension of the exposed droplets makes the device grip another surface - much the way two pieces of wet glass stick together (gotta try that). Turn the electricity off, and the bond breaks. "In our everyday experience, these forces are relatively weak," explained Paul Steen, professor of chemical and biomolecular engineering at Cornell University. "But if you make a lot of them and can control them, like the beetle does, you can get strong adhesion forces." More work is needed to create a version of the device that would hold a human to the side of a building, however. One prototype has 1,000 holes and can hold about 30 grams, or roughly 70 paperclips. But tests showed that with more and smaller holes, a 1-inch square device could hold 15 pounds (so a 4-inch square device could hold a man my size). Another possible use would be covering the droplets with thin membranes, making the device exert outward pressure. "You can think about making a credit card-sized device that you can put in a rock fissure or a door, and break it open with very little voltage. It's a fun thing to think about." F**k yeah it is. I’m already planning my superhero crime-fighting tactics.

Damsel is in distress atop the highest tower in the city. All the entrances are heavily guarded. Looks like I’ll have to enter from the rooftop…again. I scale the walls using my super sticky gloves (is it science or chemistry? It’s a secret) get to the roof access and use my nearly perfect Tiger style fighting techniques to stealthily subdue any would-be troublemakers. Using my spidey sense (I have many powers, just deal with it) I’m able to find the door to the room where the damsel is surrounded. How do I get in without getting shot up? Luckily I hacked into the billboard database before arriving and put a little two-minute distraction displaying my unquestionable prowess back at the Bat-chalet. I place one of my new gadgets next to the lock…and as the device splinters the door into toothpicks, I come bursting through with a mighty Muay Thai knee & eliminate all threats before they can take their eyes off the billboard & let blood flow back to their brains. The dust settles…and I stand their in my Adonis pose showing off the goods in the anatomically correct suit, “Are you okay?” “I am now. Who are you?” This is where my romantic side kicks in, “B**ch don’t you read the papers? I’m Batman!!! Hold on.” I pull out my grappling gun, fire it to a nearby building, grab a firm hold on her behind with my super glove, pull her towards me & we swing off to safety. Isn’t technology great?

Top 10 Remakes – I know what you’re thinking…and yeah, I should be making movies…or at least erotic novels starring superheroes & lumberjacks or something…but I’m no Scorsese. Is anybody else excited to go see “Shutter Island” this weekend? It’s a Scorsese horror thriller. Damn it, that’s like Tarantino having a movie out this weekend (but that won’t happen for like five more years probably…and even then he’s talking about a Southern Western on the Underground Railroad). So a few days ago, rumors surfaced at the Berlin Film Festival that Lars von Trier had challenged Martin Scorsese to remake his 1976 film "Taxi Driver," that Scorsese was up to it, and that Robert De Niro would reprise the role of the troubled cabbie Travis Bickle. The rumors have since been denied (thankfully…because I wouldn’t want to see Jodie Foster as a 14-year old prostitute again), but the prospect of 66-year-old De Niro donning a Mohawk required revisiting the best remakes of all time by ArtInfo.com. Though I may not agree with the order, there are a lot of great remakes on this list that I would recommend (as well as the originals). In reverse order, the top 10:

10. "The Departed" (2006): For his remake of the fantastic 2002 film "Infernal Affairs," Martin Scorsese moved the cops and moles from Hong Kong to South Boston, clarified "Infernal's" script, and added Nicholson, Damon, and DiCaprio (who, impressively, out-acted Jack). If you haven’t seen “The Departed” then watch FX, it’s on there like twice a day now…or do yourself one better, go rent it & f**king love it. It would've won a $tevie…and it’s awesome. I would have it higher on the list…but it’s not my list.

9. "Twelve Monkeys" (1995): Terry Gilliam's apocalyptic time-travel head trip is based on the 1962 28-minute French film "La Jetée," whose manic message is conveyed completely by stills. Gilliam set his story to moving pictures, and cast Bruce Willis as the lead and Brad Pitt as the loony leader of an underground insurgency. I had no idea this was based on a 1960’s PowerPoint presentation…but yeah, great flick as well. Suggestion: Don’t try to understand the whole time traveling by being put inside of a giant condom and ejaculated into the past or whatever, it’ll just make your head hurt.

8. "Ocean's Eleven" (2001): If you ever wonder how Steven Soderbergh is able to spend so much time making cerebral independent films that no one will pay to see (like “The Girlfriend Experience”), look no further than this ultra-sweet piece of celluloid in which he replaced Sinatra, Martin, and Davis with Clooney, Pitt, and Damon. Soderbergh aligned the stars, improved the script, then cashed in his chips. Even the sequels were pretty good…for sequels. I’m still waiting for my call from a fellow great Steve to be the 14th member of the group. I think I would fit right in with George, Brad, Matt and the rest.

7. "The Fly" (1986): David Cronenberg applied his signature meticulous attention to the gory details in this teleportation-gone-wrong remake of a 1958 film about a mad scientist/fly…and this is probably the only reason that Jeff Goldblum can still find work nearly a quarter-century later. He spends his off time watching you poop.

6. "Cape Fear" (1991): In this creepy remake of the 1962 original starring the great Robert Mitchum, Martin Scorsese boosted the suspense and sexual tension, while Robert De Niro put more than a little Travis Bickle into his turn as sinister and vengeful ex-con Max Cody (he also put more than a little awesome ink on his back). Yet another great Scorsese flick.

5. "Scarface" (1983): This is how you produce a classic 1932 gangster flick: First you get Stone to write, then you get De Palma to direct, and then you get Pacino to act as a crazy Cuban drug lord named Tony Montana (for good measure, throw in a gruesome sequence involving a chainsaw). Don’t forget about Michael Pfeiffer…and Manolo (Steven Bauer). You all know how I feel about this movie. Top of the list in my book…but again, it’s not my list.

4. "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1978): Consider yourself warned: Do not watch Philip Kaufman's remake of the 1956 sci-fi horror flick alone, at night, or with Donald Sutherland. Time to come clean. I’ve never seen ANY version of this movie, even the one a few years ago with Nicole Kidman & Daniel Craig. I may have to check out the 70’s one though if it’s so high on this list.

3. "Dangerous Liaisons" (1988): Stephen Frears received miraculous performances from Glenn Close, Michelle Pfieffer, and John Malkovich, who get down and dirty but mind their manners in 18th-century France in this much-improved, award-winning remake of the 1959 French film of the same name. Oh…and it was also remade into “Cruel Intentions” with Ryan Philippe, Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair and I’m sure there’s not one of you out there who hasn’t seen that. Go on, admit it.

2. "The Thing" (1982): The dialogue pops, the blood spurts, and John Carpenter expertly directs an all-male cast starring Kurt Russell in this alien horror classic adapted from the 1951 picture "The Thing from Another World." There’s really not more to say about it. Pretty good flick, especially for a horror flick.

1. "The Magnificent Seven" (1960): John Sturges boldly remade Akira Kurosawa's 1954 brilliant "Seven Samurai," enlisting Steve McQueen, Charlie Bronson, James Coburn, and Yul Brenner to back him up. The result was so strong that when Sturges met Kurosawa, the legendary Japanese filmmaker told him he loved the film and presented him with a samurai sword. That’s the kind of respect you get when you cast Steve McQueen (my namesake) in the lead role…and back him up with Death Wish, Maverick & the King of Siam. I haven’t seen this movie in a while…and I think I may just have to Netflix it now.

Anyway, I think that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed it. Happy birthday to John Travolta (56), Molly Ringwald (42), Vanna White (53? Really?), Jack Palance (would-be 90) and Dr. Dre (45). Can’t wait for that new album to drop. It’s been a decade, right? Let’s break out the new Chronic. Doctor’s Orders. “Hey hey hey heeeey, smoke weed everyday!!!” And have a great day!!!

Mmm Chile Mac

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today was a fairly uneventful day at work...but busy as usual. I like busy. It means I might have a job for a while...and I sure don't want to move again. Anyway, on that note, here's the news...

We’ve All Misspelled Chili – What do you expect from a country whose name is misspelled to begin with? I mean…it’s not like they were named after the explorer America Vespucci. What? His name was Amerigo? Oh. Does the President know about this typo? It’s okay, I’ll send him a text. He’s probably in a meeting or something. Anyway, Chile's mint has sacked its managing director after he sent into circulation thousands of coins bearing an incorrect spelling of the country's name (Chili? Chilly? Chillee? So many possibilities). The 50-peso coins, worth around 10 U.S. cents each, were issued in 2008 with Chile spelled "Chiie" -- an error that was only noticed late last year. "Director Gregorio Iniguez has been fired over a series of issues, including the misspelled coins, which have brought the institution into disrepute," a mint official told Reuters on Friday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Some of the coins are still in circulation. They still carry their value. Some collectors are buying them up because they feel they are rare." We all make mistakes…and this one isn’t really that big of one. The director of a mint is a busy man…and IF he signed off on the proofs, maybe he didn’t have his reading glasses on or something and he didn’t notice the little dash that differs an i from an l. See? Even you had to check twice. Oh yeah, I caught you. Don’t deny it. Anyway, if there were other issues (like I’d probably get fired for fornicating with female coworkers on the paper press and counting “One million two hundred and twenty thousand, one million two hundred and thirty thousand, one million two hundred and forty thousand…”) then I guess the firing was warranted. If not, then shame on the Chilean Mint. Mmm… Andes mints…

Robin Hood – Don’t worry, it’s not an update of the Ridley Scott / Russell Crowe movie coming out soon. Instead this Robin Hood is accused of stealing…and NOT to give to the poor. Also, there’s no need for horrible fake British accents from Nottinghamshire…as this story comes from my home this time last year, Denver of the Colorado region. Authorities said a 34-year-old named Robin Joshua Hood found someone's wallet in downtown Denver and apparently began using the man's name in a ploy to avoid being caught on a warrant (ah yes, apparently the Sheriff is not pleased with his antics either). Hood told investigators he was being investigated for drug charges. Hood was charged Friday with identity theft and impersonation (“Unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent”). Authorities said Hood's true identity was uncovered after an employee at a record store stopped him as he allegedly was leaving without paying for three baseball caps on January 6th (I’m sure to give to homeless children on the 16th Street Pedestrian Mall…I mean, who needs three caps? Really?). He was issued a court summons in that case. That reminds me of the time that I decided to have a fake ID, a kind of hiding in plain sight as it were. “Okay sir, your total is $118.30. How would you like to pay for this?” “Credit.” “Okay…and may I see your ID Mister…Batman?” “DOCTOR Batman…and yes, here you go.” Then a quick smoke bomb later & I was off to rooftops. Take that, McLovin.

Online Dating: Not Just for Nerds? - If you spent Valentine's Day looking for love online then you are among the one in three Internet users who regard the web as a good place to find a relationship, according to a new study. The BBC World Service global poll showed that 30% of web users regard the Internet as a good place to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. The poll, conducted among nearly 11,000 Internet users across 19 countries, revealed that India and Pakistan are among the countries with the greatest numbers of enthusiasts for Internet introductions. 59% of Indians and 60% of Pakistanis who use the Internet regard it as a good place to find a partner. "This shows what a major role the Internet now plays in the lives of millions of people around the world," GlobeScan Research Director Sam Mountford said in a statement. "For many, and particularly in the developing world, it's not just somewhere to work, shop, or communicate with friends, but a credible way of finding a partner in life." Other countries where high proportions of Internet users feel the same way include Ghana (47% and yes, they have the internet there) and the Philippines (42%). By contrast, fewer Americans (21%), South Koreans (16%), British (28%), and French (27%) think the idea of finding a partner online a good one. However, the results also suggest that those with a higher level of education are less likely to regard the Internet as a good place for romance (28% of those with a university education felt it was, compared to 36% of those who had not completed high school). The results are drawn from a larger survey of public attitudes toward the Internet, to be released on March 8th. So what do you think? What’s that? Oh you wanna know what I think first? Okay then.

As I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before, I’ve tried the online dating thing before with eHarmony. It didn’t turn out well. What happened is I would be matched up with a lot of single moms, and we’d chat & do answer the questions about each other that the other person wanted to know (you know I love answering questions about my favorite subject) and everything would go smoothly…until my picture was released. Then it would cool off completely. Yeah, great for the self-esteem, let me tell ya. It wasn’t my best picture…but it was a few years ago & I wasn’t blogging or anything, so I was even less web-savvy than I am now. I knew I should’ve just put a picture of Ryan Reynolds or something. However, I’ve been thinking recently…and maybe I should give it another chance. I don’t know. Obviously my method of meeting women currently is working with them or helping them play Bingo on a Saturday night…but either way, it’s been unsuccessful for the most part. Also, I live in a pretty small town of about 10,000 or so…and I guess I could meet ladies on the slopes…but nobody goes to the slopes alone to pick up chicks and/or get picked up on by dudes. That’s just creepy. So I’m to the point where it’s…how else am I going to meet these single women? Maybe one of these next free weekends with eHarmony or match.com or whatever, I’ll see what’s out there. Then again, if any of you out there have any suggestions, I’m all ears. And yes, Mad Scientist, I’ve tried the coffee shop thing here too. Twas a sausage fest except for the baristas who were both happily married. Anyway, it could be a good idea…and some of these websites are reputable…but I’ve learned early on to never trust anything on the internet at face value. That sum’bich from the Ivory Coast taught me that one. Prince with a liquidity problem, my left nut. I think it could be a good place though. I mean…that’s where people are communicating most of the time. Whether it’s Facebook, email, twitter, instant messaging, dating sites, chatrooms, blogs, all that and more, people are on the web…and some of them are pretty lonely when they’re offline…and it really shouldn’t be that way. We all have so much Love to give…but we don’t want to get burned…and who’s to say that the sassy 23-year old that likes the same nerdy things you do isn’t just a 45-year old sexual predator who found the picture in a high school yearbook? There are creeps out there…but there are some great people out there too. It’s all a risk…but then again, nothing risked, nothing gained. Anyway, what do you think about the possibility of meeting your future Love online? I’ll keep you posted on my future “dating” life but until then…

Sexbot Update - A new remote-controlled robot (not pictured) available this fall will likely be the first of many programmable toys aimed at children. Called the Spy Video TRAKR (pronounced "Tracker" & not a child of Sarah Palin), the camera-equipped robot can digitally transmit color, video, audio and data to a hand-held controller. A USB connection will also let kids hook up their bot to a computer and create, download and share custom software applications, or "apps." "They'll come up with things that toy companies would never think of," said Daniel Grossman, CEO of Wild Planet Entertainment, the toy's developer. "We believe that the most-downloaded apps will be the ones created by kids. App-sharing in toys will be fueled by kids. It's empowering when other people are interested in something you create. Kids will take pride when programs they designed are downloaded by other kids." All TRAKR apps will be free, Grossman added. The TRAKR will cost $120 and is aimed at kids ages 8 and up. It will come with three apps pre-installed, including a night-vision app that lets kids see everything in the bot's path even in complete darkness (now you see where this is starting to be a sexbot update). A collection of free apps will also be available for download when the toy hits retail shelves in October. Kids can maneuver the bot using a hand-held controller, viewing its progress and navigating through a 1.8-inch screen. Because TRAKR is a treaded vehicle, users steer it like a bulldozer, pressing the right controller to turn left and vice versa. The toy has an operating range of between 100 and 150 feet, depending on conditions, 8 megabytes of RAM, 2 megabytes of flash memory for apps, and an SD card slot for storing audio and video clips. For anyone remotely in touch with their inner child, it won't take much imagination to see how Spy Video TRAKR's ability to run custom apps, travel in the dark, transmit and store still and video images and record and play sounds gives it enormous potential for kid-pleasing mischief (or as we call it, adult perversion). An online application modulator will enable beginners to tweak existing apps as they start learning how to write code for the TRAKR in the C++ programming language. Free software that will give kids all the tools they need to begin writing and sharing their own programs will be available at SpyTRAKR.com. "We're teaching kids how to write their own applications and program their toys to do exactly what they want them to do," told TechNewsDaily. Toymakers have a long history of incorporating new technologies into their products, said Jon-Paul Dyson, director of the National Center for the History of Electronic Games at Strong National Museum of Play in Rochester, N.Y (how’s that for a title?). "Thomas Edison created a talking doll more than a hundred years ago. What has changed is the pace with which technologies are being incorporated into toys." Ever since the 1970s, toy manufacturers have increasingly included digital components in their products, Dyson said. Milton Bradley became one of the companies to computerize toys when it introduced a programmable electric tank called Big Trak over 30 years ago. As computer chips have become faster, more powerful, and cheaper, toy makers have continued to find new and creative ways to include digital components in their products, Dyson said. "Toys always reflect the culture that creates them. So it's not surprising that toys have more and more high-tech features. We're also seeing an increasing integration of toys with online experiences as kids spend more and more time in virtual spaces." Hmm, kinda leads back into the last story a bit…you know when they turn eighteen, of course. So there you go, kids will be able to program robots to do their bidding…and basically they’re mini spies…with night vision…and audio/visual recording capabilities. So the new sexbot sextape industry will go through the roof but more importantly, it’s a great way to test the whole downloadable program capabilities for their other “toys” that were on display at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Vegas last month. And don’t think for a minute that every time you download a new application that it won’t check that RAM for any “interesting” footage. Parents, keep an eye out. You never know when TRAKR may be standing in the doorway watching you guys hug like crazy rabbits.

Anyway, with that image of your parents in Paris Hilton night vision, I’m going to stop talking. I hope that you’re all having a wonderful day and workweek. Oh guess what, my mom may be coming to visit in a few weeks. Why? Because she loves me…and wants to see me some time in the next six months. See, during my soon-to-be legendary road trip in two months, we won’t be meeting up because…as luck would have it, she’ll be in Asia on a cruise (without me) so we won’t see each other then…and it’ll probably be after the 4th of July when she can get vacation again with her job because of the cruise. So yeah, my mama may be coming to check out her boy’s new life…and I think she’ll be impressed with the decision. She usually is. I just hope it’s not a time when there’s a blizzard so I can show her how awesome this place is. We’ll see. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!! One Love.

Big Boned Tuesday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

And a Merry Fat Tuesday to all of you!!! Seems like just last year I was right in the thick of Mardi Gras…and my friend Filly called me this morning so that I could enjoy it briefly (or at least the sounds of it). So probably the busiest weekend in a long time (Chinese New Year, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, Olympics, etc.) is capped off with Fat Tuesday, one last celebration before the time of Lent, when you’re supposed to make a solemn pact with the Big Guy to give something up in exchange for spiritual creaminess or something. Like a New Year’s Resolution – Take Two. Then Easter / Zombie Jesus Day comes around and you binge on chocolates, deviled eggs and candies that any other time of year would be called chalk or packaging.

Are you swearing off anything for Lent? Perhaps rather than denying yourself, you’re taking a vow to be less so. Maybe rather than swearing off alcohol, chocolate, cigarettes, fast food, television, or something of that nature, you’re swearing off self-loathing, fear, hesitation, procrastination, or just being more outgoing. I’ve thought briefly about what I could swear off…but I don’t have a whole lot of vices left since I moved here. I don’t drink much, I’ve never smoked, I’m learning to cook at home anyway, I don’t eat a lot of chocolate, and I guess I could give up television like I did for the previous year but DirecTV’s would screw me out of my contract so there’s no point to that. Besides, what else would I do to entertain myself? Write? Knit? Read? (Shiver…) On that note, shiver? Exercise I guess but I’m already doing that more. Besides, exercising eight hours a day would get real old real quick…especially when I have nobody to show it off to. I mean…it has thus far. I don’t know. Any suggestions? Because right now I’m leaning towards, over the course of forty days, turning a Fat Tuesday into a Ripped Like Jesus Sunday when Easter comes around…and if the weather stays in the sixties until then, that’d really help me…but it’d probably signal the end of life as we know it & admitting that Al Gore was right. Still can’t believe it’s been snowing in Dallas but late spring here in Tahoe.

Givin’ It Up for Lent – Here’s another idea from across the pond. Church leaders are encouraging people to give up their iPods for Lent, instead of more traditional vices such as chocolate, to help save the planet. The Bishop of London, Richard Chartres, and the Bishop of Liverpool, James Jones, are among those calling for a carbon fast for Lent which begins on Wednesday. As well as spending a day without using technology such as mobile phones or iPods, the 46 daily suggestions also include eating by candlelight, cutting meat (as opposed to cheese?) and vegetables thinner so they cook faster and flushing the toilet less often (like #2 only?). "Instead of giving up chocolate for Lent, why not fast for justice...to help those suffering from the effects of climate change," said Jones. Interesting ideas all…and I’m down with the dinner of thinly sliced, delicious meats & veggies by candlelight anytime. You may be onto something there, gentlemen…and good luck with getting kids away from their iPods. You’d have a better shot getting them away from oral sex cold turkey starting today. Oh, and speaking of Fat Tuesday…

Kevin Smith Kicked Off A Plane – Do you know who Kevin Smith is? If so, then you’re in my cool book. If not, I’m gonna pencil your name in here in a moment. He’s the director behind such stories as “Clerks”, “Mallrats”, “Chasing Amy”, “Dogma”, “Zach & Miri Make A Porno” and “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” in which he also plays Silent Bob in all those movies. Yeah, the fat guy in the black trench coat who speaks very rarely. That’s him. Well, he was a Hollywood sensation, then he made “Jersey Girl” and it all went to hell, but he’s really a funny & brilliant filmmaker…and if you ever get the chance, watch the “Evening with Kevin Smith” collection to here some great anecdotes. To be perfectly honest, I see Kevin Smith as how I would be if I got into filmmaking (except a little taller & thinner). His movies are funny yet heartfelt, he always has a role for buddies he grew up with (hell, even starring roles in some flicks), he’s got my kind of eye candy in all of his movies (Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth, Rosario Dawson, Ali Larter, Elizabeth Banks, even his wife, etc.) and he just seems to have a sense of perspective to all of it from been raising in New Jersey. Well, apparently he’s in the news…but not for his newest movie “Cop Out” starring Bruce Willis (which by the way, the working title was “A Pair of Dicks” but when the studio told him to change it, he decided on the cop-out method and named it, “Cop Out” I love it) but because of his girth. Kevin Smith says he's "way fat," but that shouldn't stop him from flying. The director and actor says a pilot ejected him from a Southwest Airlines flight from Oakland to Burbank, California, saying he didn't fit properly in a single seat. Smith raised a stink about the incident on his Twitter page Sunday, saying "I'm way fat, but I'm not there just yet," and "If you look like me, you may be ejected from Southwest Air." He posted a picture of himself sitting on the plane with his cheeks puffed out. Southwest says it "Customer of Size" policy require travelers must be able to fit safely and comfortably in one seat or make other arrangements. After a storm of angry online comments from Smith and his fans, the airline issued an apology first from its own Twitter account and later in a statement on its Web site titled "Not So Silent Bob," a jovial jab at the Silent Bob character Smith plays in many of his films. "We would like to echo our tweets and again offer our heartfelt apologies to you," the statement said. The airline said it also accommodated Smith on a later flight, gave him a $100 voucher and apologized by phone. Both Smith and the airline acknowledged that he had bought two seats for his original flight from Oakland, where he had spoken at the Macworld Expo conference. But he was flying standby in order to catch an earlier flight, and only one was available. Smith insisted that he was still able to put both armrests down and buckle his seat belt, which is Southwest's standard. Personally, I wouldn’t mind sitting next to a rotund Kevin Smith. I’ve been on a regional flight from LA to Palm Springs before where I had a window seat & the guy next to me was a 400-pound Samoan and because it was a very small plane, I basically had to rest my head on his shoulder because I couldn’t sit straight up (remember, I’m 6’8”) and he couldn’t go…well, anywhere. It was awkward…but he was a nice guy…and we chatted a bit…and it was like being squished between an airplane door & a LoveSac but we made it. That being said, since when did airlines start doing this? Really? I’ve seen many a plump lady & gentleman on flights…like their hips hit both aisle seats as they walk to the back…and never a problem that I’ve seen. I don’t know. To be perfectly honest, I’m not surprised that it happened…but in reality, I’m just really optimistic now that perhaps the next time I board a Southwest flight, I may get to sit next to a director that I respect like Kevin Smith. That could be an interesting meeting of the minds…at least until he asks the stewardess to “Get this f**king a**hole away from me. He claims to have invented Panda Porn and won’t stop talking about a sequel to Zach & Miri starring him & the chick from Transformers.” Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time that a celebrity called me an a**hole…and probably won’t be the last. Sorry Mr. Smith. I hope that your new movie has great financial success.

Fox Update – Speaking of my future costar, Megan Fox is allegedly desperate to have children. The actress (who still has an on/off relationship with actor Brian Austin Green) said she is a very maternal person but suffers a deep fear that she won’t be able to have kids biologically. “No-one believes me when I talk about this, but I’m really maternal. I worry that because I’ve always wanted kids so much, as the world goes sometimes, I won’t be able to have them – even though I would be able to provide them with such an amazing environment.” Megan, 23, also admitted that, despite her movie successes (maybe not the best word), she isn’t confident about her acting abilities (hmm, realistic modesty) and hates having her picture taken. “With acting, my main weakness is nerves. I have no confidence, and because of that I’m always second-guessing myself. I feel intimidated by fashion. I hate doing photo shoots. But there are some women you could put in underwear and photograph them, and it looks really classy and it doesn’t necessarily provoke a pin-up image. But with me it does, immediately, as soon as I’m in underwear.” It sure does. However, if you don’t like your picture taken, or are intimidated by fashion, or don’t wanna be a pin-up girl, then maybe you shouldn’t be a poster model for Emporio Armani underwear…or an actress…because it’s basically 24 pictures per second that are taken of you on film. Just a thought. Anyway, that’s not the main point of this update, it’s that she wants to have children…and I wish her the best of luck. However, I don’t want you to have children just for the sake of having children. It’s a HUGE step. Your life will change. In fact, I can’t imagine anything more dramatic & magical than the change that happens to you when you become a parent. I’ve seen it with family & friends, my brother probably being the most incredible example. I’m sure that Brian has told you the same thing about when he became a parent. I just hope you find the right guy to help you along the way…or you can always decide to do it yourself. The important thing is that you do what’s right for you and the baby. And of course, if you’re looking for some Grade AAA genetic material, then I know a great guy who lives in Tahoe who would be more than happy to assist you in any way…and thinks he would be a great parent too. Anyway, just throwing that out there.

Happiest Place in the US – Where would you think would be the happiest state in America? Of course it’s Hawaii, right? Well, if you needed an extra twist of the arm to set off on a Hawaii vacation, here it is: The big-wave state was (of course) the happiest place to live in 2009, according to a newly released national survey. Topping the well-being list among all 50 states, Hawaii pulled ahead of the 2008 leader Utah (yeah, I was surprised too). But Utah and its neighbors still have plenty to smile about. Nine of the top 10 well-being states reside in the Midwest and the West. The South didn't fare so well, taking seven of the 11 lowest well-being spots on the list. The results come from interviews with more than 350,000 American adults who took part in the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index in 2009. This is the second year of the survey. The well-being score for each state is an average of six sub-categories, including: life evaluation (self-evaluation about your present life situation and anticipated one in five years); emotional health; work environment (such as job satisfaction); physical health; healthy behavior; basic access (access to healthcare, a doctor, a safe place to exercise and walk, as well as community satisfaction). The top 10 states and their average well-being scores (out of a possible 100 points):

• Hawaii: 70.2
• Utah: 68.3
• Montana: 68.3
• Minnesota: 67.8
• Iowa: 67.6
• Vermont: 67.4
• Colorado: 67.3
• Alaska: 67.3
• North Dakota: 67.3
• Kansas: 67.2
  

A complete list of the 2009 happiest states is here. Hawaii also topped the charts for life evaluation, emotional health and physical health, while West Virginia scored the worst on those indexes. Utah was number-one for work environment, scoring 10 points more than the worst state, Delaware. Bad news for Mississippi, which scored lowest on the basic access index. For healthy behavior, Vermont topped the list while Kentucky scored the worst. Overall, state well-being stayed pretty stable from 2008 to 2009. Only four states - South Dakota, Mississippi, Hawaii, and Iowa - upped their scores by two or more points compared with 2008. Wyoming had the greatest drop of 1.3 points since 2008. Compared with 2008, 18 states moved in a negative direction, 27 in a positive direction, and five stayed the same. As for why one state tops the list while another fails miserably, in the past researchers have looked at the relationship between 2008 well-being scores and various factors, including economic indicators, education levels, personality traits and levels of inclusiveness. They found the states with higher gross regional product (GRP) per capita (level of productivity and standard of living), higher income levels and higher median housing value, were significantly happier than poorer areas. (Take THAT “Money won’t buy you happiness” cliché!!!) In addition, the happiest states in 2008 tended to have more residents with advanced educations and jobs that were considered "super-creative," such as architecture, engineering, computer and math occupations, library positions, arts and design work, as well as entertainment, sports and media occupations. Level of inclusiveness was also important, according to the research on the 2008 scores, with some of the states scoring best for well-being also being the most tolerant (or in Utah’s case, most homogenous?). If you're wondering if people in a particular state are happy, you might just want to ask them. Another team of researchers reported results last year in the journal Science showing that a person's self-reported happiness matches up with objective measures of well-being. A separate happiest states list, generated from the individual surveys of this study, differed from the 2008 and 2009 lists that relied on the Gallup-Healthways data. Essentially, the team publishing their work in Science used their data to statistically create a representative American. That way they could take, for example, a 38-year-old woman with a high-school diploma and making medium-wage who is living anywhere and transplant her to another state and get a rough estimate of her happiness level. Fun, right? Also, FYI, California is ranked 19th (though I’ve yet to find anybody that lives here in Tahoe that dreams of going elsewhere) & Nevada is 46th, so maybe Las Vegas wasn’t the happiest place for me to go. Anyway, just thought I’d let you know. By the way, I live in two of the top 7 happiest states last year. YAY!!! Coincidence? Let’s see if Cali moves up the list significantly next year…and Utah falters. Then again, I have my own theory as to why Hawaii’s number one…

Global Warming Report - Forget red and blue — color America white. There was snow on the ground in 49 states Friday. Who was the lone holdout? The happiest state, Hawaii. Coincidence? It was the United States of Snow, thanks to an unusual combination of weather patterns that dusted the U.S., including the skyscrapers of Dallas, the peach trees of Atlanta and the Florida Panhandle, where hurricanes are more common than snowflakes. More than two-thirds of the nation's land mass had snow on the ground when the day dawned yesterday, and then it snowed ever so slightly in Florida to make it 49 states out of 50. At the same time, those weird weather forces are turning Canada's Winter Olympics into the bring-your-own-snow games (and Tahoe’s been in the 50’s & 60’s for a week now but luckily we had plenty of snow to begin with). Who's the Great White North now? "I'm calling it the upside-down winter," said David Robinson, horrible comedian & head of the Global Snow Lab at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Snow paralyzed and fascinated the Deep South on Friday. Snowball fights broke out at Southern Mississippi University, snow delayed flights at the busy Atlanta airport, and Louisiana hardware stores ran out of snow supplies (“What the f**k is a Sno-Hoe?”). Andalusia, Alabama, shut down its streets because of snow. And yet, Portland, Maine, where snow is usually a given, had to cancel its winter festival for lack of the stuff. Weather geeks turned their eyes to Hawaii (not just for the Hawaiian Tropic Swim Team this time). In that tropical paradise, where a ski club strangely exists, observers were looking closely at the islands' mountain peaks to see if they could find a trace of white to make it a rare 50-for-50 states with snow. But there was no snow in sight. Hawaii's 13,800-foot Mauna Kea volcano, which often gets snow much of the year at its higher elevations, is the most likely place in the 50th state to have snow, but there "is nothing right now," said research meteorologist Tiziana Cherubini at the Mauna Kea Weather Center. It has been a few weeks since there has been snow in the mountains, and none is in the forecast, ruining a perfect 50-for-50, she said. The idea of 50 states with snow is so strange that the federal office that collects weather statistics doesn't keep track of that number and can't say whether it has ever happened. The office can't even say whether 49 out of 50 has ever taken place before. Snow experts at the Global Snow Lab were combing their records but said it may be days before they find out if there has ever been a 50-for-50 snow day. Their best suspect is January 19th, 1977, which had snow in Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia, but then Robinson looked for snow in South Carolina and couldn't find any. As of early Friday morning, 67.1% of the U.S. had snow on the ground, with the average depth a healthy 8 inches. Normally, about 40 or 50% of the U.S. has snow cover this time of year, Robinson said. It snowed for only 10 minutes in Century, Florida, just north of Pensacola, barely enough to scrape a few snowballs from the hood of a truck. But that was enough for 6-year-old Kaleb Pace. "I've only ever seen snow on TV till now," Kaleb said, smiling. This is after a month that saw the most snow cover for any December in North America in the 43 years that records have been kept. And then came January 2010, which ranked No. 8 among all months for North American snow cover, with more than 7.03 million square miles of white. The all-time record is February 1978, with 7.31 million square miles. There is a chance this February could break that. There is also a chance that this could go down as the week with the most snow cover on record, Robinson said. So there you go. The apocalypse is upon us…or maybe, this is the way to avert the apocalypse? How so? As you know, the end of the human race is quickly coming thanks to giant snakes taking over strategic positions around the globe & populating at an incredible rate. Well, where is this happening? Florida? Where temperatures are extremely low? Hmm, snakes are cold blooded…and would perish in near freezing temperatures. Maybe somebody is looking out for us…and that makes me happy. Enjoy your snakes & volcano hellfire, Hawaii!!!

Anyway, enough about that. We covered a lot today – Lent, sacrifice, great chubby filmmakers, baby makin’ with superhotties, happiness, the apocalypse, and so much more. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta make a call to a fantastic filmmaking Rapid Rewards member about meeting up in Hollywood to discuss a few ideas and have a showmance baby with my costar before the Apocalypse comes when the snow is lifted. Maybe we’ll hit up Hawaii for the Babymoon but what I’ve found is happiness isn’t where you are, it’s who you’re with. I hope that you all have a wonderful evening!!!