Schittzengiggles

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty good. I worked out a bit, went on a few adventures like up to Sierraville (population 130) which was fairly pedestrian…but I did also get these pictures around Donner Lake…

Also got to hang out with my roommate for a bit. We watched a classic movie from now-Academy Award winning director Kathryn Bigelow. He had no idea that she was the director of this timeless classic, nor James Cameron an executive producer until we saw the opening title sequence. What marvel of modern filmmaking are we referring to? Why “Point Break” of course. Oh yeah. Now you know why it’s so damn good. I wonder if “Hurt Locker” has bank robbing surfers & FBI agent quarterbacks. No? Then how could it possibly be her best work? Oh well, I’m sure I’ll find out when I watch it someday.

I also watched “Soul Men” starring Samuel L. Jackson, the late Bernie Mac & the late Isaac Hayes (“I tell you it’s CURSED!!!”). The story is about two former R&B singers who go back on the road when the third member of their trio, The Real Deal, dies…and is going to be honored at the Apollo Theatre. Now, they haven’t been stars in 30 years…and apparently it ended when one ran off with the other’s wife…so obviously there’s a little tension…but hey, there’s money to be made. Honestly, I’m a huge fan of R&B and some of the musical numbers…but even I thought they said “mother lover” and “negro” a lot…even for a movie where the stars are Samuel L. Jackson & Bernie Mac. I mean…it’s not like there were any snakes in their Cadillac. That language is uncalled for. Still, it had its moments…and you know what you’re getting into when you watch a movie like this. We also watched a few movies that he’d never seen & I hadn’t in a while like “Beerfest”, “Wedding Crashers” and caught up on “Spartacus: Blood & Sand” while enjoying Thai food. Good times.

Other than that, just been chatting with friends & family online & excited for my mom coming to visit on Friday. It’s gonna be awesome. So without further ado, here’s some news…

Sandra Bullock – Anybody catch the Oscars last night? Neither did I…but I caught up with them this morning. I personally liked that Sandra Bullock won both an Academy Award & a Razzie in the same year. Granted, I think that she only won the Razzie because she said that she’d accept it in person (because seriously, “All About Steve” is the greatest title for a movie EVER, it can’t be that bad). Regardless, good for her in taking it all in stride & with a sense of humor. Bullock became one of the few Razzie winners ever to collect her trophy in person, showing up at the ceremony Saturday pulling a little red wagon filled with DVDs of "All About Steve" for the audience there. Where will she keep her Oscar and Razzie? "They'll sit side by side on a nice little shelf somewhere. The Razzie maybe on a different shelf. Lower," said Bullock, who was a great sport throughout awards season, joking about her worst-actress Razzie nomination. "You take the good with the not-so-good." Also, big ups to the Dude for finally winning Best Actor. The Oscar marks a career peak for Bridges, a beloved Hollywood veteran who had been nominated four times in the previous 38 years without winning. Describing his long career, he borrowed some lines from one of his most endearing and enduring characters, the laid-back bowler the Dude from "The Big Lebowski." "Ups and downs. What does the Dude say? Strikes and gutters, man," Bridges said backstage. "I'm big on the Dude. I love him." We all do. Oh…and Christopher Waltz, big ups for winning something for “Inglorious Basterds.” I was sure they were going to get completely hosed (as usual with Tarantino films) but congratulations to all the winners…and even some of the losers.

The Whites of Their Eyes – In Owensboro, Kentucky, a woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her. The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer (really?). Her bond was set at $10,000. That’s right. Ten grand for a little spilled milk (ba-da-tsssh). So yeah, apparently if you spit at an officer, you can be charged with third degree assault. What if I give him or her “The Sh*t Eye”? Would they consider that assault with a deadly weapon & then beat me? I wonder if they’ve had to enforce this with projectile vomit. I mean…she was intoxicated. However, I’m hoping that there’s a YouTube video out there or something for it. I can imagine somebody being checked into their new uniform, “Okay, turn around, arms up.” “Watchoutnow!!!” SQUIRT!!! “What the (gurgling)?” That’s when a hot, fierce, slippery, milky struggle breaks out between a voluptuous naked woman and a soaking wet blinded Officer Nasty, who must feel her way to restrain the prisoner’s wrists once she tackles her to the ground, rolling around in their bodily fluids. Sigh… Okay, I realize that I’m picturing it a LOT hotter than it actually was…but dammit, this imagination keeps me warm at night. And I’m not the only one with an overly active imagination involving the police…

Strange Noises - A woman in Germany phoned police after hearing "suspicious noises" in her apartment. The noise was so loud and strange, even over the telephone, that police in Bochum in western Germany decided to send a patrol car around to the "scene of the crime", a statement said. They looked around the premises…and then "Daringly, and with the occupier's permission, one of the officers opened the drawer of a wardrobe where the noise was coming from. Underneath some clothes he found a very personal, battery-operated object which had obviously switched itself on... The tenant's face abruptly changed color." Police then "wished her a nice evening and left". That’s right. The police were called to investigate a strange noise…that ended up being a vibrator. That’s like the power going out…and as you try to find matches or candles, you hear “It’s okay honey, I think I found something. Do we have any batteries? I don’t think they’re working in this” and then the power kicks back on…and your girlfriend is holding your Fleshlight. Then again, nobody’s going to file a report about that on the way back to the station. Then again, this may just be a rouse. Seriously, who is going to call the cops with “There’s a strange humming noise coming from my underwear drawer. I think something exciting may be in there. Bring your handcuffs…and backup.” At least this story from Germany doesn’t involve feces. Those are rare nowadays.

Happiness Update - If you're trying to buy happiness, you'd be better off putting your money toward a tropical island get-away than a new computer, a new study suggests. The results show that people's satisfaction with their life-experience purchases - anything from seeing a movie to going on a vacation - tends to start out high and go up over time. On the other hand, although they might be initially happy with that shiny new iPhone or the latest in fashion, their satisfaction with these items wanes with time. The findings, based on eight separate studies, agree with previous research showing that experience-related buys lead to more happiness for the consumer. But the current work provides some insight into why. Among the reasons:

• People are more likely to mull over their material purchases than they are experiential ones, second-guessing themselves about whether they really made the best choice.



• We tend to think of experiences more on their own terms, rather than in comparison with other things.



• It's easier for us to decide on an experiential purchase than a material one.



• We're more upset if we learn that someone else got a better deal, or that a better option exists, for a material purchase than for an experience-related one.
  

Satisfaction with a purchase could also come down to mindset. When participants in one study thought of material purchases, such as a music CD, as an experience (many hours of enjoyable listening), they were more satisfied than those who viewed the purchase as just a material item. In another study, 142 participants were asked to think about either a material or experience-related purchase they had made that cost at least $50. Then, they answered questions about: how difficult the decision was to make; how concerned they were that they made the right choice; and how satisfied they were with the purchase initially and at present. The people who thought of a material purchase were significantly more likely to report feeling concerned about the buy and less satisfied with their choice at present than those who had recalled an experiential purchase. A third study involved 164 participants who were asked how they felt about a hypothetical situation in which they had made a purchase, but later found out that other, superior choices existed. They imagined either buying a material good, such as a wristwatch, laptop, MP3 player or a pair of jeans, or an experience, including a meal at a restaurant, a movie viewing, a New York City show, or an island vacation. Subjects who imagined a material purchase were more likely to be disturbed by the availability of better options, and in turn, reported diminished satisfaction with the buy, than those who imagined an experiential purchase. And participants were more likely to be jealous of a rival's superior purchase if the item in question was a possession rather than an experience. Since materials are more easily compared with other things than experiences are, material buys bring more concern and less happiness than experiential ones, the researchers from Cornell University say. The point? Life & happiness is all about experiences. So get out there & have some fun, see the world, and spend it with those that you Love.

On that note, I’ll call it a day. Hope you all enjoyed it…at least for the pretty pictures. Have a great day everybody!!!

I've Got The Goods

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A week from now, I’ll be hanging with my mama…and probably getting ready for the 1st Annual Prohibition Pub Crawl in Tahoe City, which should be epic. The weather should be cooperating for maximum fun-having and I just can’t wait to show off my new home to my mom (who of course is worried about me & misses me…but she’s happy that I’m happy). This weekend, I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to spend it. Probably wander around town & try some new things, maybe check out some online dating service (yet stay as far away from Chat Roulette as possible), work out now that my back’s feeling great. Who knows? Stay tuned for details.

Last night, I watched a few movies. First up was “The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard” starring Jeremy Piven, Ving Rhames & David Koechner. It’s about a struggling car dealership in Temecula, California who has fallen on some hard times and may have to file for bankruptcy. So they call in the big guns, namely the legendary salesman Don “The Goods” Ready (Piven) who can sell anything to anyone (much like myself) and his team to help over a 4th of July weekend sale extravaganza. I liked this movie. Basically, anything where Piven is fast-talking & hilarious, I’m okay with. At heart, I consider myself a salesman…and a master of BS (I mean…I have a degree in it) so watching this movie, I wondered why I wasn’t a car salesman. Oh yeah…because commission-based job are pretty much sh*t in this economy. Anyway, great little film, lots of one-liners, special guest stars, angels, lap dances, Smokey, and DJ Request who will not take your request. If you like to laugh, give it a try. You may just enjoy it. There’s even a scene in the beginning on an airplane…that pretty much brought a tear to my eye, because it’s so true & something that I would do.

After that, I decided to watch “Halloween II” which is the sequel to the Rob Zombie Halloween, not the original Halloween II. Make sense? Okay. Anyway, the story is that Michael Myers is still on the loose. That’s really all you need to know. His sister (Taylor Scout-Compton) is still alive, as is Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) but…yeah, everybody’s getting brutally killed. It’s a sequel to a slasher flick. I mean… what else is going to happen? Now, I like Rob Zombie flicks because they’re pretty over-the-top and I like his fairly unique use of light & different camera resolutions and all that other stuff that keeps the viewer disoriented…so he makes some pretty good slasher flicks. This one wasn’t particularly amazing in any way…but hey, if you liked the first one, it’s more of the same. Here’s some news…

Facebook F**kup – Have you ever posted something on somebody’s wall in Facebook that you regretted later? That’s a mistake. How about poor spelling, grammar, syntax or use of emoticons during a chat? Those are errors. Ever put your life & hundreds of others in danger because of letting everybody know “What’s on your mind” on a status update? That’s a f**kup. The Israeli military called off a raid in Palestinian territory after a soldier posted details, including the time and place, on social networking website Facebook, Israel's Army Radio reported Wednesday. The soldier (since relieved of combat duty) described in a status update how his unit planned a "clean-up" arrest raid in a West Bank area. Facebook friends then reported him to military authorities. The Israeli military spokesman's office had no immediate comment. Israel says raids in the West Bank are aimed at detaining militants suspected of planning attacks on Israelis. Palestinian officials say the incursions undermine efforts by the Western-backed Palestinian Authority to enforce law and order in the territory. Just watch what you put on your status updates. Leave it to stuff that either informative like “$teve needs a drink, today sucked” or humorous like “$teve consists of one part Jaegermeister, one part Peach Schnapps, and two parts cranberry juice” rather than “$teve’s social security number is 529-69-6969” or “$teve will be sleeping alone tonight with the doors unlocked and three Lunesta in his system. Ladies are more than welcome to join him. Please no dudes with knives and/or blunt objects. He is also deathly allergic to peanuts, so please don’t grind them into a fine powder and mix them into his pumpkin pie.” It’s just being smart.

Canadian Anthem Change? - "O Canada," the country's national anthem, has included the line, "True patriot love in all thy sons' command," for nearly 100 years. Ottawa now wants to start a public discussion on whether Canada should adopt a gender-neutral version of the song. As part of a policy speech unveiled on Wednesday, the minority Conservative government said it would ask Parliament to look at the original lyrics to the anthem. Those lyrics, penned in 1908 by Canadian poet Robert Stanley Weir, read "True patriot love thou dost in us command." The version in current use was adopted in 1914. Industry Minister Tony Clement said the government had not taken any firm decisions yet. "I think the appropriate way to deal with this is through some sort of process where we have historical research and learned discussion," he told reporters. Michael Ignatieff, leader of the opposition Liberal party, said if the government was serious about boosting women's rights it could have done something more substantive. One of the first things the Conservatives did after winning power in January 2006 was to cancel a deal the Liberals had struck to provide a national child-care system. I love how in politics something like changing a lyric on the national anthem can be as big a deal & mentioned in the same breath as national child-care system. “I’m sorry that my tie is not to your liking…but you know what I don’t like? Terrorists.” Anyway, wanna change the lyrics to “O Canada”? Go for it. While we’re at it, I want the Declaration of Independence to be changed to “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all OF US are created equal, that WE are WELL endowed by our Creator” and so forth. Why? Why not? Is the Declaration of Independence sexist because it only says men are created equal? It’s kinda the same thing, right? You know what? I don’t care. I just thought it was odd. Geez, universal child-care. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Snowwoman – Speaking of sexism, why aren’t there more snowwomen made after winter storms? I think we can all agree that the female form is far superior to that of the male. Besides, the popular three-sphered standard makes a lot of sense to the head-torso-badonkadonk figure. So why aren’t there more? I’ll tell you why – Nosy New Jersey Neighbors. Police in New Jersey ordered a snow sculpture modeled on the famous nude Venus de Milo to be covered up after a neighbor complained, the artist said Thursday. Elisa Gonzalez, 44, carved the ancient Greek-style torso from snow on her front lawn in Rahway and says her work was initially a hit. "It looked very beautiful. We got a lot of attention from people in the neighborhood. Some of them got out and took pictures and spoke to us." Not just the perverted teenagers either…but alas, it was not to be. One neighbor clearly felt the snow nude (despite being headless, armless, and cut off above the knees) was too hot. "We had a visit from the local police who told us that a neighbor had complained about the statue and we needed to cover it up or knock it down. We didn't want to have any problem with the police so we covered it up." The original Venus de Milo, which is housed in Paris' Louvre museum, depicts a nude woman. She also is without arms, although her head is intact. I’m thinking if we get another big snow storm here this season, and I have a weekend to play around, I may just make me a nice little snow & ice sculpture. Of what? Whatever the hell I want…and I’ll get some kids to help me make it too. It could be a big-tittied mermaid next to my parking spot, maybe a big Buddha that the neighbor kids can slide down, maybe a naked woman tied to a nearby tree, maybe it’s a scene from Wild Things, maybe badass blaxploitation detective Jackie Frost, maybe Aphrodite coming out of a clam with a mug of beer in each hand, it’s my art. Don’t judge me, I’m not charging admission…and it’ll be gone in a few weeks anyway. Good luck collecting that evidence. “Your honor, as you can plainly see in the photos, that snow was manipulated to represent what appears to be the defendant going down on the figure of an unidentified voluptuous prostitute.” “Your honor, I don’t think I need to tell you that those photographs could be easily manipulated using Photoshop…and even if that were the case, what I see in those photographs…is just a pile of snow. If I look into the sky and see clouds that look like my neighbor slaughtering a horse, do I call the cops & report them? I would think not. Am I to be blamed for what she thinks she saw in a pile of snow next to my apartment? No crime is committed here. Oh…and ma’am, her name is Ginger and I’ll be DAMNED if I allow you to call her a prostitute, you…” This is where I charge at her with my lawyer holding me back. So yeah, I’ll let you know when my snow sculpture comes to be…but it may be next winter. I’m not too worried about my neighbors causing a fuss either. I’m more worried about passerbys getting into accidents or some douche ravishing her in the night…but I suppose the frostbitten junk will be justice.

More Smurfs Update - Jonathan Winters, George Lopez, Katy Perry and Alan Cumming have all joined the cast of "The Smurfs" film for Sony Pictures says Variety. As reported yesterday Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character. The four additions today will voice various members of the miniature blue-skinned race. Specifically Katy Perry as Smurfette, Alan Cumming as Gutsy Smurf and George Lopez as Grouchy Smurf. Winters, who voiced multiple characters on the original cartoon, will play Papa Smurf. Still no word on who will play Gargomel or what the plot will be. Honestly, I don’t even recall the premise of the cartoon other than Gargomel wanted to eat them or something. Anyway, time will tell.

That’ll pretty much do it for today. Again, no real plans for this weekend…but I’m sure that I’ll find something to do. Even if it’s work out at the rec center and let all the elderly ladies ogle at my sweaty, chiseled form. That’s right, tell your granddaughters, ladies. Anyway, have a great weekend everybody!!!

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, honestly there’s not a whole lot going on with me. Work has been extremely busy…and I’ve found enough time for subtle flirtations and conversations during lunchtime to keep from being bogged down. I found out today that Truckee is basically the coldest place in America during the summer thanks to elevation and a slew of natural wonders…so if any of you are looking to escape the heat this summer, come on up to Truckee…and bring a long sleeved shirt, just in case. Average highs in the 70’s and overnight lows in the 50’s, pretty much perfect right? Anyway, here’s some news…

Dear Diary: Jackpot!!! - Several police officers responded to a 911 report of a naked woman tied to a tree in Point Defiance Park in Tacoma, Washington (God I miss having a girlfriend). Spokesman Mark Fulghum told The News Tribune officers talked with the woman and a man Tuesday in the Owen Beach area and determined it was a "consensual rendezvous" (Or as I prefer to call it, a “Tryst”). No one was arrested…but somebody definitely got laid. Stories like this motivate me to go hiking or jogging. You always see on TV the jogger in the morning stumbling upon yet another dead body in Central Park (thanks Law & Order) but it’s like winning the lottery when you stumble upon a beautiful naked woman tied to a tree. “Excuse me Miss, are you okay?” “Oh! Hey, hi there. Funny story. Ugh…could you help me out?” “Absolutely.” “What are you doing? Put your shorts back on.” I’ll just assume it was some kind of Christian movie Adam & Eve reenactment that was once again interrupted by the boys in blue. Why do they always have to cockblock based on religious beliefs? Also, I just thought of something. Was this done this last week? It gets damn chilly up there in Tacoma this time of year. Thank God there was somebody there to keep her warm. Anyway, I just… come on now. You know why I mentioned this story. Naked girl tied to a tree…and I got to use the word tryst in the proper context.

Doogie & the Smurfs – Speaking of forest people, Neil Patrick Harris will play the lead live-action character in the Raja Gosnell-directed film adaptation of "The Smurfs" at Sony Pictures says Deadline Hollywood. Originally created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre 'Peyo' Culliford, the blue skinned miniature villagers started life as a comic book, but eventually became most famous for a hit TV cartoon TV series which ran throughout the 1980's (and eventually the inspiration for the Na’vi of “Avatar”). Jordan Kerner ("Charlotte's Web") is producing. Shooting kicks off in April while Harris is on hiatus from CBS' "How I Met Your Mother". So if you love the 80’s, you love this update. That is all.

Perky Cups – Back to the wholesome female form in all its glory. Officials said a bikini and the First Amendment provide enough coverage for a model advertising a suburban Denver coffee shop called Perky Cups. Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women" but she says it's legal. Markert said she had city employees measure the banner, and it conforms with city size restrictions (C-cups?). Robert Rogers, a city attorney, said the content is protected by the First Amendment (isn’t everything? I could’ve told you that for half the price). Perky Cups owner Jason Bernal said people have come into the shop to complain, but one stayed to buy a burrito and coffee (“I’m sorry ma’am but if you’re going to b**ch me out for no good reason, you’ll have to buy a coffee”). He said the sign has been great for business but he's not sure how long he'll leave it because of the complaints. Mr. Bernal, keep it up forever. Hell, turn it into a permanent fixture if at all possible. If it’s good for business, you’ve found your niche. You’ll be the favorite coffee shop of the young male demographic at University of Denver…and maybe even UC-Boulder though that’s a bit of a drive. In a flooded marketplace like that of coffee shops (there’s seriously four Starbucks on the 16th Street Mall and another four within a block or so) you need to find a niche…and you sir have perked my interest with your full perky cups. Now, let me tell you my ideas about the baristas…

Shaky Update – Yet another edition of hotties to the rescue. Shakira has received a medal from the U.N. labor agency for her work to help impoverished children. The 33-year-old Colombian pop star has worked as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. Her Barefoot foundation provides nutrition to more than 6,000 children in Colombia, and she is member of the ALAS foundation that advocates for children across Latin America. At a small ceremony Wednesday in Geneva, U.N. labor chief Juan Somavia called Shakira a "true ambassador for children and young people, for quality education and social justice." Shakira said in a statement Thursday that social, economic and environmental policies must focus on children and their education. Shakira also spoke last month with President Barack Obama about U.S. policy on children (whether we should let them work in factories or not? Kids are spoiled). Congratulations on your award, Shaky. Let me know when you want to hang out in Miami. I’ll let you ride piggy back again.

PETA Update – Some activism, I like. Shakira speaking for the impoverished children, I can stand behind (all f**king day & night). And then there’s PETA, who is looking towards castration. PETA Germany came under fire on Wednesday for saying that Berlin's celebrity polar bear Knut should be castrated because he is related to his love interest Giovanna. That’s right, the bear’s name is Knut…and they’re talking about castration. The PETA animal rights group warned that breeding between Knut and Giovanna, who was moved to Berlin from Munich last year, would carry the risk of depression amongst offspring because both bears have the same grandfather (depression? That’s the best you can come up with? It’s not like they’re their own grandpa). Frank Albrecht, zoo expert for PETA Germany, said the organization wanted to provoke Knut fans that have pressured Berlin Zoo officials to keep the couple together by saying Knut should be castrated. "Fans have to accept the fact that Knut just has to be castrated and then there's nothing wrong with the couple staying together." (Why do I want to cut off this guy’s balls and tell him there’s nothing wrong with it?) The suggestion to castrate Knut, who became famous around the world in 2006 when he was raised by a trainer after being rejected by his mother, angered fans of the three-year-old polar bear. Albrecht said he received many calls, including one man saying he should castrate himself first (I swear it wasn’t me). He added that once he explained the reasoning behind his suggestion, most people calmed down (“Oh, it’s so you can hook up with hippie chicks. I understand”). Zoo officials have repeatedly said that Giovanna's stay in Berlin is only temporary, and that she will return to Munich this summer…so I guess it’s only to keep each other warm during the winter. Sigh… why do I hate PETA so much? Why does this stuff irk me so? Does anybody else feel this? I mean… I love animals. Huge fan. Not just pandas either. Then again, I also feel that they can be delicious and fit well. So when some “zoo expert” for PETA says, “Hey, we should castrate an endangered polar bear because he’s bangin’ his hot Italian sister” then I get a little unnerved. “Why should we do that?” “Because the cubs would be depressed.” “Why is that?” “They’d only have one grandpa.” “….and?” “And what? Don’t you see?” “You’re more concerned about the cubs being depressed because they only have one grandpa than the threat of inbreeding or the small step in repopulating this nearly extinct species?” “They’re not nearly extinct, I see them on Discovery Channel all the time.” “Where did you get your degree in zoology again?” “My what?” Herr Albrecht, I think your random ill-based logic could help in another way. Call for the castration of an animal that if given the chance would kill you and everyone that you hold dear.

Apocalypse Update – Oh yes, I’m talking about snakes. A serpent originally included in a 16th century portrait of Queen Elizabeth I but painted over shortly afterwards has "reappeared," the National Portrait Gallery in London said on Thursday. Degradation over time has revealed that the monarch was originally painted holding a serpent, the outline of which is now visible again in the work by an unknown artist dating from the 1580s or early 1590s. But at the last minute the emblem was covered, and the queen was depicted holding a small bunch of roses instead (not the first time that a snake was hidden in the queen’s rose, I’m sure). The gallery said it was not sure why the change was made, but suggested that it may have been to do with the ambiguity of meaning the symbol carried (“She’s in alliance with the Dark Lord Satan!!! BURN HER!!!”). While a serpent was sometimes used to represent wisdom, prudence and reasoned judgment -- all fitting attributes for a queen -- snakes also symbolized Satan and original sin in the Christian tradition. The portrait, which has not been on display in the gallery for nearly 80 years, is part of a new exhibition titled "Concealed and Revealed: The Changing Faces of Elizabeth I," which runs from March 13 until September 26. It features four portraits which date from the 1560s until just after the queen's death in 1603, all of which have changed in appearance in some way since they were created (thanks to vandals and the use of disappearing reappearing inks). Advanced scientific techniques have helped unlock clues as to how they would have looked originally (in 3-D HD?). The portrait of Elizabeth holding a serpent, for example, was painted over the unfinished picture of an unknown woman, showing how 16th century panels were sometimes re-used and recycled by artists. So why is this an Apocalypse Update? Snakes are popping up EVERYWHERE!!! Even in paintings that have been around for centuries…and they almost magically appear in the hands of quite possibly the greatest matriarch in history. Still think this is just the paranoid ramblings of a Mad Man? (By the way, great show on AMC)

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. We’ve talked about castrating bears, cups of both coffee & breasts, fond childhood television memories and even a little history. I think it was a pretty good day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go for a little jog to make sure that there’s not some poor girl defenseless against the elements and longing for nothing more than the warm, gentle touch of a mighty lumberjack. “I’ve traveled 500 miles to give you my seed!!!” It’s really just a local service that I provide for my community. There’s really no official funding…but Planned Parenthood provides me with what I really need. Have a great night everybody!!!

Take Me to Your Yeast Mine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

March Madness is about to begin. It doesn’t seem like the University of Utah is going to be in the tournament this year (and I refuse to root for BYU & they play tonight in Slick City). So maybe I’ll just have to root for the U in the MWC tournament because that’s really their only shot. Let’s see, what else? Oh, I had a fantastic time helping my mom set up her Facebook account over the phone last night. See, she’s not the most technologically advanced person in the world (did I mention her day job is working with intercontinental ballistic missiles?) but we got the basics down for her…eventually. For example, it took us about ten minutes…for her to remember her email address and password…that she put in a few minutes earlier. “How do I find you?” “I have a better idea. I’m going to find you. (Search her name) Ugh…which one are you? Did you put your hometown in or anything?” “My what?” “What information did you put in? There’s a lot of people with your name.” “Oh, I don’t know.” “(Sigh) Okay, gimme a minute. I’ll have to check each one to see if you’re here.” After checking the 6th one, “Okay I think I found you here. I’ve sent you a friend request.” “A what?” “A message is going to pop up that says you have a Friend Request from Dr. $teve Love. When that happens, you click on it…and hit Accept if you want to be my friend.” “And if not?” “Then you can just go f**k yourself (love ya mama)” Eventually, she was able to figure out how to accept it…and then there was “Okay, no how do I find Mrs Wingman?” “You know what, I’m just going to send you something here that’ll suggest you friend everybody that I know…that you know. Just gimme a minute.” It was at this time…that I realized how few of my friends know my mom…and even fewer she would remember. Luckily there were a few relatives so she’d have at least a dozen friends. Then she asked me, “Do I want to be a friend with (Crack Whore)?” “Why would you want to do that?” “Because I can.” “Do you think she would accept you as a friend?” “Probably not.” “I wouldn’t…but that’s primarily because I’m scared she’d give my computer some kind of a virus.” Anyway, the joys of Facebook. So if you get a friend request from some lady who you’ve never heard of…but has me as a friend in common, just accept it. You’ll make her day.

Last night, I watched a movie that probably none of you have seen. Why? Well, because I think it came out on DVD yesterday…and I’m pretty sure that it didn’t make it to too many theatres. It’s called “Gentlemen Broncos” and is from the director of “Napoleon Dynamite” & “Nacho Libre” which…I didn’t particularly care for either. I mean…aside from the occasional half-chuckle that if I were to translate into English would have said, “I admire you trying to be funny in the most boring way possible” then I spent my time trying to fight off sleep and wondering why the movie was ever made. I understand the whole distinctive form of filmmaking that Jared Hess does where the backdrop is fairly basic, rural locals like Idaho…and the plots are kind of hum-drum everyday occurrences for the most part…and the actors are purposely awkward in appearance and mannerisms to get a certain appeal…but it’s just not my bag. Anyway, I thought I’d give this one a chance regardless. It’s the story of a young home-schooled man who spends his time reading & writing sci-fi novellas. His mom (Jennifer Coolidge a.k.a. Stifler’s Mom) makes the worst dresses on planet Earth. Anyway, one day he goes to a seminar where he meets his favorite writer, Dr. Ronald Chevalier (Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords”) and he enters a contest where he might win a thousand copy publishing deal (oooh). Dr. Chevalier is falling on hard times or a creative slump or something…and then he stumbles upon this kid’s story called “Yeast Lords: The Bronco Years” and decides to plagiarize it. Long story short, the kid finds out…and then the movie goes on. It has its moments…but honestly, my favorite part is the cheesy fantasy sequences while they read the story & the plagiarized version where Sam Rockwell (“Choke”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”) plays Bronco / Brutus in just some of the most ridiculous ways. “Take me to your yeast mine. I am your soldier.” Hot, right? I’m totally going to use that line someday. Anyway, if you liked Napoleon Dynamite, then check it out. If not, pass. Here’s some more news…and again, like yesterday, they concern the Future…

Spider-Man Fired – Everybody’s affected by the economic situation. Even imaginary superheroes. Time to update that resume, Spider-Man. You're fired! Don't fret though, the web-slinger will still be keeping New York City safe from Venom and Carnage and any number of other dastardly villains he's tangled with over the years. But beginning Wednesday, he's going to have to do it between trips to the unemployment line (unless Jim Bunning f**ks that up). That's the day Peter Parker, Spider-Man's nice guy alter-ego, hears the words, "You're fired" from his cranky, long-suffering boss, Mayor J. Jonah Jameson. (Seriously? He’s Mayor of New York now? Oh yeah, this is the universe where Colbert is President) Worse still, Jameson not only sacks Parker, who makes his living as a photojournalist, he blacklists him with every news organization in town (dick!!!). This of course raises all kinds of interesting questions:

• How will Parker maintain his Spider-Man costumes? Dry-cleaning bills alone must run to several hundred dollars a year.
• How will he keep buying the stuff he uses to spin those industrial-strength webs needed to hop from building to building? Surely he doesn't pick that up at the 99 Cents Store.
• Where is his next meal coming from? Would he be reduced to spinning webs outside supermarkets and trapping shopping carts in them?

Worst of all, it just gives him something else to b**ch and cry about. “Waaah, I can’t tell Mary Jane that I love her. Too much responsibility. I don’t wanna be Spider-Man. I’m tired of Top Ramen. Why did I think that freelance photographer for a newspaper was a good career choice in New York City? Everybody’s a photographer & nobody reads the newspaper.” Could this be when Spiderman loses it and mugs Wall Street fat cats? Only time will tell. "Because we still want to sell comic books, I can't answer those questions," laughs Joe Quesada, editor-in-chief of Marvel Comics, which reveals the web spinner's latest crisis in Issue No. 623. But while hard times may lie ahead, Spider-Man has gotten through hard times before. Just two years ago his marriage to beautiful Mary Jane came to an end when the villain Mephisto erased everyone's memory of it (I’m sure with booze & ruffies like in the Hangover). He landed on the unemployment line this time not because of the recession or even a downsizing news industry. You probably guessed it already, but it was because of an evil villain. Spider-Man got wind of a plot to frame Jameson and exposed it by digitally manipulating photos he'd taken as Peter Parker (GASP!!!). Of course to do that he had to violate journalism ethics (What are those?) by misrepresenting the images. Jameson, longtime publisher of the Daily Bugle, could never tolerate that. And just why would Peter Parker / Spider-Man do such a thing anyway? "Just because he has super powers doesn't mean he's perfect," says Quesada. Sigh… silly, stupid superheroes. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. What’s the moral of the story? Have a backup plan? If your “day job” is to be a non-essential part of a failing industry, then you might want to also dabble in saving the day. The only problem is…make sure that whatever the second job is pays. Justice & saving mankind don’t put food on the table.

Worst Wedding Ever? – Yesterday was talking about a wedding where the bride went into labor. Today involves jealousy, possible adultery, assault, battery & probably future prison rape. A newlywed Massachusetts couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. Police say 22-year-old Hyannis resident Marissa Ann Putignano-Keene tried Monday to run over the other woman and the woman's son in a parking lot. The intended victim later told police that she had previously been in an intimate relationship with the groom. Police say the couple got married at Barnstable Town Hall and split a bottle of Champagne afterward (gasp, alcohol was involved?). The bride was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Her husband, 37-year-old Timothy Keene, was riding in the car with her and was charged with disorderly conduct. Both were released Tuesday. It was unclear if either had hired an attorney…but I would think highly recommended. As bad as this story sounds, I feel a little ray of hope. Why? The groom is 37…and the bride is 22. There may still be hope for me yet…and who cares if she’s a little psychotic, most women are after a half bottle of champagne and I’m not giving her the keys anyway. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that reception. A line of people congratulating and hugging the newlyweds, then up walks a mysterious woman to the bride, “Hey Tim, great to see you again. Congratulations.” “Thanks Amy, great to see you again too. This is my wife Marissa.” “Pleasure to meet you, Amy. Where do you know Tim from?” “Oh, well ugh…we were ugh…a-hem, friends from a few years back. We ugh… got reunited on Facebook about a year ago & he invited my son & I to the wedding.” A cold stare goes across the bride’s face. “Friends huh? Son eh?” She looks at the son…and sees a resemblance to her new husband’s elementary pictures. The night continues, drinks are had, the chicken dance is performed, yet the bride seems distant. “What’s wrong sweetie?” “You f**ked her, didn’t you?” “What? Who?” “Amy. You f**ked her.” “Well, yeah…but it was…gosh, ten years ago.” “I KNEW IT!!!” “Honey, you’re overreacting…and frankly, you’re scaring me.” “Oh, I’m scaring you? I’m scaring YOU? You cheated one me.” “What? No, never. I love you. Jesus, that was years ago. I was single & you were in the 6th grade.” Reason & logic has no place in the realm of the drunken bride. She grabs her keys and heads for the car. “Honey, come back. This is stupid.” He follows her out the door and into the car. “Look, we talked about this. We had both been with others before we met each other.” “I can’t even look at you right now.” Just then, Amy & her son are walking out to her car as its past his bedtime, directly in front of the couple. The engine is revved. “Honey, what are you doing?” Rev. “Oh f**k!!! Honey don’t!!!” Yeah, sometimes ridiculous drama is worth it…but only if you’re a spectator.

Marriage or Just Live Together? - U.S. marriages last longer than unions where couples live together outside matrimony, the Centers for Disease Control reported on Tuesday. Hmm, funny that the CDC would be studying marriage…but perhaps it was to find a cure for The Love Bug. About 78% of marriages lasted five years or more, compared with less than 30% of what the CDC called cohabiting unions, or couples living together outside marriage. One reason cohabitations were shorter-lived than marriages is that 51% of couples who lived together made the transition to marriage within three years, CDC said in a statement. Over 40% of men and women aged 15-44 were married in 2002 when the interviews were conducted, compared with 9% who were living together. The report was based on a nationally representative sample of 12,571 men and women. Other findings:

• The odds of staying together 10 years or longer in a first marriage are better for couples of the same racial origin, the report found. (Is it racist if it’s still true?)


• Nearly 80% of couples who have their first child at least eight months after their first marriage are likely to celebrate their 10th anniversary; those who don't have children are more than twice as likely not to last 10 years.


• About 75% of marriages between men and women 26 years old or older last at least 10 years, compared with only about half of teen marriages.
  

So what does this all mean? Well, for one, the CDC has no idea how to conduct a survey. Okay, 78% of marriages lasted five years, while only 30% of cohabiting unions did. Why? Because half of them got married. Ugh…so basically something like 65% of cohabiting unions last five years or got married? Compare that to 78% of just plain marriages and its not a huge difference. Also, is it really surprising that 80% of married couples with children lasted ten years. Let’s face it, unless you’re a dead beat bastard, you’re stuck with each other for AT LEAST 20 years whether you’re married or not. Besides, divorce is expensive, more so than a loveless marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a study where divorce rates dropped suddenly over the past two years or so. Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s whether it’s better to live together before getting married…or just to take the plunge. What do you think? Personally, I feel that I would have to live with somebody for a while before getting married. Why? Consider it a test drive. I’m not perfect…and I’m going to guess that she isn’t either. Does she mind that I don’t do the dishes every single night? Is she going to freak out because I used a towel to wash my hands…but it was allegedly a hideous decorative towel? Does she snore? Do I snore? Is her constant nagging about allegedly needing new furniture going to wear us down? Is she a blanket hog? Am I a blanket hog? Am I going to miss Monday Night Football because she wants to see Dancing with the Stars? She may enjoy the benefits of me working out…but will she enjoy the smell immediately afterwards? Or will she join me in the shower? Will she get insanely jealous and run over an ex-girlfriend and her son? Granted, these little things aren’t usually deal breakers but it’s good to know exactly what you’re getting into before (what I still consider) a major commitment. So yeah, I’m a big fan of the moving in together…but then again, I’ve never even been close to either situation before. Oh sweet naïve $teve… Someday, when your life has passed you by, you’ll look around and wonder why you were always there for me. Wait, that’s Sugar Ray. Anyway, what do you think? I wanna hear some personal examples. Did you go straight to marriage? Did moving in beforehand completely ruin the romance? Did it teach you things about your partner that were deal breakers? Well, I can always look forward to the Future to find my own references…

Apocalypse Update – Or can I? The fossilized remains of a 67 million-year-old snake found coiled around a dinosaur egg offer rare insight into the ancient reptile's dining habits and evolution, scientists said Tuesday. The findings, which appeared in Tuesday's issue of the PLoS Biology journal, provide the first evidence that the 11.5-foot-long snake fed on eggs and hatchlings of saurapod dinosaurs, meaning it was one of the few predators to prey on the long-necked herbivores. They also suggest that, as early as 100 million years ago, snakes were developing mobile jaws similar to those of today's large-mouthed snakes, including vipers and boas. "This is an early, well preserved snake, and it is doing something. We are capturing its behavior," said University of Michigan paleontologist Jeff Wilson, who is credited with recognizing the snake bones amid the crushed dinosaur eggs and bones of hatchlings. "We have information about what this early snake did for living. It also helps us understand the early evolution of snakes both anatomically and ecologically." Dhananjay Mohabey of India's Geological Survey discovered the fossilized remains in 1987, but he was only able to make out the dinosaur eggshells and limb bones. Wilson examined the fossils in 2001 and was "astonished" to find a predator in the midst of the sauropod's nest. "I saw the characteristic vertebral locking mechanism of snakes alongside dinosaur eggshell and larger bones, and I knew it was an extraordinary specimen," Wilson said. Mohabey theorized that the snake — dubbed Sanajeh indicus, which means "ancient gaped one" in Sanskrit — had just arrived at the nest and was in the process of gobbling a hatchling emerging from its egg. But the entire scene was "frozen in time" when it was hit by a storm or some other disaster and buried under layers of sediment. "We think the hatchlings had just exited its egg, and the activity attracted the snake," Mohabey said, adding that the site in Western state of Gujarat has revealed about 30 sauropod nests and at least two other snake specimens. Michael Benton of the University of Bristol, also writing in the PLoS Biology, said it can be difficult to determine the behavior of ancient organisms. But he said that it was "most likely, as the authors argue, that this snake was waiting and snatching juveniles as they hatched." "Of course, we cannot be entirely sure unless further specimens come to light showing the bones of juvenile dinosaurs in the stomach region of the snake," Benton said. Ashok Sahni, a senior scientist at the Indian National Science Academy who was also not involved in the dig, described the find as "truly remarkable" because it is rare for fossil bones to be preserved at the site of fossilized eggs. In an email he said, "The scientific significance of the find is that it actually demonstrates behavior in early evolved snakes and the size of chosen prey." So $teve, why is this an Apocalypse Update? Think about it. Around 67 million years ago, the dinosaurs suddenly & mysteriously died out…about the same time that snakes started to develop detachable jawbones so as to swallow eggs (the future generations) & other objects larger than their head. Do you not see the correlation here? In modern times, snakes are overrunning our national parks & civil servant offices…but how long will it take until they swallow our future generations? When will it reach the tipping point where they will outnumber us? If the dinosaurs didn’t make it, what chance do we have? I’ll tell you what chance we have, we must unite & use our superior minds to save us. I say that we make snake meat into the next big thing. Have you ever had a tasty snaky McNugget? They’re f**king delicious. It’s all 100% lean meat. Think about it. The whole animal is basically a big muscle but spends most of the time just relaxed and coiled in a ball. That’s gotta be some good tender meat. If there’s a market demand for it, then they will find a way to produce it. Then again, I must emphasize that it be wild game snake meat. We don’t want to be breeding them in farms or anything…and pumping them full of hormones to make them larger and give them more muscle. Yes, our science can save us…but it can also destroy us. Anyway, you fast food joints out there, let me know when you get those Snaky McNuggets and Grilled Snakehouse Burgers on the menu…and I’ll be sure to give you a shout-out. I’m sure it’ll even be a tax write-off because you’ll be saving the world. Don’t let snakes eat your children!!!

Anyway, on that note, I think I’ll call it a day. We’ve talked about the unemployment of heroes, loveless marriage, divorce, assault, inevitable serpentine doom and a Jared Hess movie. Hopefully tomorrow it’ll be a little more upbeat…but hey, I just go with what the news gives me…and occasionally a story about helping my mom use a computer. Happy March everybody!!! Two weeks until St. Patrick’s Day!!! Have a great day!!!

Let's Call It Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

By the way, has anybody noticed that I usually start off by saying “Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen” and then follow it up with a lot of sex & fart jokes? Classy, I know…but that’s what you’ve all come to expect…and as always, I try to keep it PG-13 (or Mature or Teen or whatever the equivalent is for online rating, NP for Non-Porn maybe). Let’s talk about the Future. Now, I’m going to take a step aside from my usual look to the Future…which usually involves Sexbots, reviews for movies that haven’t even been made yet, or the Apocalypse foretold in the Book of $teve brought upon by the rise of the Serpents. Instead, it’s going to be a little more… family-oriented. (Gasp!!! $teve talking about a future family? I believe this was in the Book of Revelations) Enough. As many of you know, family’s pretty damn important to me. So much so that instead of just saying “pretty important”, I decided to insert the “damn” at the last minute. Oh yes, it was cleverly thought out ahead of time. Now you know how I work. You know that I always talk about my mom, dad, even stepparents in the highest regard…and that’s because they’re basically the best parents a guy could ask for. I give my brother a hard time with some of the choices that he’s made (crack whore ex-wife) but hey, we all f**k up…and he’s done a great job of raising his two kids by himself (well, my mom helps). You all know that I have the cutest niece & nephew in the world…and I’m amazed with how quickly they’re growing up. “But $teve, what about you?” What about me indeed. Sure, I think about my future family from time to time…but as you know, I haven’t exactly been waist-deep in the ladies for a while (in this case, While is to Time as Nile is to River). Regardless, I’m looking to change that a bit. The past year or so has been a wee bit hectic…but I want to set up some roots. I plan on being here for a while…so we’ll see what’s out there for me around these parts…but until then, here are a few stories about the future that you might want to take note of.

Double Whammy – Fathers, husbands, have you been asked in the presence of both your wife & your children, “What’s the happiest day of your life?” Depending on who’s asking the question, it could just be a trap to either make your kids lose respect for you…or make your balls blue for the next few weeks. However, once in a great while, it’s pretty easy to please both parties. For example, an Ohio woman taken to a maternity ward in her wedding dress became a newlywed and a new mom on the same day. Jamie Phillips says she felt contractions while her father walked her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony Saturday in Toledo in northwest Ohio, but she thought it was a false alarm (“Oooh, too much hot sauce…”). It wasn't until after her water broke at the reception (“Don’t worry sweetie, we’ll get the waiter to bring you a new glass”) that she was rushed to a hospital in Sylvania. The baby boy, named Tova (sigh… more on this later), wasn't due until March 7th. His mother and her new husband, Mark Phillips, didn't think the baby would come quite so soon when they planned the wedding two weeks earlier. The parents say they wanted to "do the right thing" and get married before the baby's arrival, which is why they cut things so close. So from now on, whenever somebody asks Mark Phillips when the happiest day of his life is…he can reply Saturday, February 27th, 2010 and not be taking sides. “I married the love of my life, the same day that she gave birth to my glorious son…and the bachelor party the night before was pretty f**king awesome too. I had a good buzz going throughout the entire day.” “That’s great daddy. What was the 2nd happiest day?” “It was the day I divorced your mother & changed your name to Mark Junior. Seriously? Tova? What does that even mean? That’s like a test for alertness for ADD & concussions…or a company in Louisville that distributes baby formula. I even googled it…and it’s a girl’s name in Norway. Son, please don’t do drugs.” Come on now, you knew I was going to take it there. Everybody’s got to get that first marriage out of the way, right? I wish the Phillips a long & happy marriage until death do they part. I just think Tova’s an unusual name…especially for a boy.

Don’t Let Bills Get Out of Hand – In these rough financial times, you really have to stay on top of your bills. Keep track of all income and outgoing expenses…and maybe see where you can save a few bucks here and there. Why? Because otherwise this could happen. A Utah woman who lost title to her house over an unpaid $68 dental bill has been given a reprieve. The Utah Court of Appeals ruled Capri Ramos is entitled to another opportunity to void the sale of her house at a county auction for $1,550 (I wonder if it had the distinct smell of cat urine). The collection agency North American Recovery sued Ramos in 1995 over the dental bill. She didn't contest the lawsuit, not realizing the consequences. Her house in the Salt Lake City suburb of Glendale was sold the next year to a group of investors (again…for $1,550). On Thursday, the Utah Court of Appeals sent the case to 3rd District Court for a hearing on whether Ramos had proper notice of the sheriff's sale and whether the sale price was "grossly inadequate." Having lived near Glendale for a few years, that may be difficult to prove…but then again, not really. Hell, buying a house for what I usually have to pay for a month of rent, utilities & food? Maybe I need to learn Spanish and go to the county auction to see what’s out there. I’ve often thought about settling down and buying a home…but you know how my nomadic situation has been. It’s not bad…but I do sometimes feel like I’m wasting money by renting. So yeah, keep track of your bills. You don’t want to lose your house over a $68 dental bill. Even if she gets to keep it, it’ll cost her thousands in court costs at least.

Baby Name Update – Ah yes, the children. We already talked earlier about Tova…but here’s a study to follow that up. Celebrities aren't the only ones giving their babies unusual names. Compared with decades ago, parents are choosing less common names for kids, which could suggest an emphasis on uniqueness and individualism, according to new research. Essentially, today's kids (and later adults) will stand out from classmates. For instance, in the 1950s, the average first-grade class of 30 children would have had at least one boy named James (top name in 1950), while in 2013, six classes will be necessary to find only one Jacob, even though that was the most common boys' name in 2007. The researchers suspect the uptick of unusual baby names could be a sign of a change in culture from one that applauded fitting in to today's emphasis on being unique and standing out. When taken too far, however, this individualism could also lead to narcissism, according to study researcher Jean Twenge, of San Diego State University. The results come from an analysis of 325 million baby names recorded by the Social Security Administration from 1880 to 2007. The research team figured out the percentage of babies given the most popular name or a name among the 10, 20, or 50 most popular for that year and sex. Since it wasn't required that people get a social security card until 1937, names before that time may not be random samples of the population, the researchers note. Results showed parents were less likely to choose those popular names as time went on. For instance, in the late 1800s and early 1900s, about 5% of babies were named the top common name, while more recently that dropped to 1%.

• About 40% of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10% do.



• For girls, the percentage with a top-10 name dropped from 25% in about 1945 to 8% in 2007.



• Similar results were seen for the top-50 names. About half of girls received one of the 50 most popular names until the mid-20th century. Now, just one in four have these names.
  

(A list of top-10 baby names by year, and their popularity, can be found here.) This trend in baby-naming didn't show a constant decrease. Between 1880 and 1919, fewer parents were giving their children common names, though from 1920 to the 1940s common names were used more often than before. Then, when baby boomers came on the scene, so did more unusual names (I blame hippies). The biggest decrease in usage of common names came in the 1990s, said Twenge, who is also an author of "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" (Free Press, 2009) and "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever Before" (Free Press, 2007). The results held even when the researchers accounted for immigration rates and increasing Latino populations, which could bring relatively less common names into the mix. "The most compelling explanation left is this idea that parents are much more focused on their children standing out," Twenge told LiveScience. "There's been this cultural shift toward focusing on the individual, toward standing out and being unique as opposed to fitting in with the group and following the rules." The positive side of individualism, Twenge said, is that there is less prejudice and more tolerance for minority groups. But she warns that when individualism is taken too far, the result is narcissism. "I think it is an indication of our culture becoming more narcissistic," Twenge said. Past research has shown that back in the 1950s parents placed a lot of importance on a child being obedient, which has gone way down. "Parenting has become more permissive and more child-focused and [parents] are much more reluctant to be authority figures." As for whether these unusually named kids will have personalities to match is not known. "It remains to be seen whether having a unique name necessarily leads to narcissism later in life. If that unique name is part of a parent's overall philosophy that their child is special and needs to stand out and that fitting in is a bad thing, then that could lead to those personality traits." The research is detailed in the January issue of the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, since I know you’re interested.

Now, I’ve talked about naming my future children before… and with the proper warning that it will never truly be considered in real life…because I give that duty to the future mother. I mean…let’s face it. If she passed the child through her Holiest of Holies, then I think she gets to name it. Think about it. That’s like her claiming to name one of your deuces (and yes, I just compared a child to a log of feces…but it’s to prove a point). That being said, I think that a man is entitled to a veto vote. “There’s no way you’re naming my son Jasmine.” “But we’ll call him Jazz around the house.” “In honor of the racist Transformer? That’s ridiculous…and even if I like it, why not just let it be Jazz?” “Because he’s Mine too. Jazz-Mine, Jasmine.” “Jasmine is a scent of shampoo and the b**chy princess from Aladdin. Not a man’s name.” Trust me, I’ve witnessed worse conversations than that when discussing baby names with friends & family. Ladies, here me out on this. It’s called Compromise. Google that sh*t.

I’m gonna take you back almost 30 years into the past to a young married couple in Utah. They were expecting their first child…and at the time, didn’t know if it was going to be a boy or a girl. If it was a girl, the wife had always wanted to name her daughter Amber Dawn (lovely ring to it, right?) and the father was cool with that as well. Then there was the situation of a son. The mother had always liked the name Todd…because let’s face it, girls love gay men. That’s the only reasoning I could find for that name. The father did not agree. He was named after his father…and thought maybe his son should be the same. Surely not Todd. (By the way, if there are any Todds out there reading this, please don’t be offended, I’m sure you’re still cool) Well, it was almost game time…and the doctor informed them that their first child would be a masculine child. Now it was time for The Talk. They had to get a divorce. (Ha!!! Gotcha) No, not really…they just had to talk about what they were going to name this supreme being that will one day rule the cosmos with an iron fist & a golden rod…er, scepter. Jesus? No, it’s been done…and too much pressure to go to church, whereas the father was raised Catholic & the mother Mormon. Cobra? It is kinda cool to name a child after the place of conception…but that’s more of a codename for a secret mission into Nicaragua or something. How about a traditional Ottawa name like Comes with a Thunder? That would be difficult to fill out forms. First name Comeswitha, last name Thunder? Is that how it would work? So the discussion raged on (okay, probably not but just go with it) and then they stumbled upon a name…perhaps The Perfect Name – Steven. (Didn’t they say something about narcissism the last paragraph?) It was perfect. It was the father’s Christening name. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers, deacons & Hungary. Oddly enough, he too was a man filled with grace & power…and when it came to debate, there was no match for his wisdom & spirit. However, he died in 76 AD much like Jesus did – falsely accused & brought to unjust condemnation because he spoke the truth…and was stoned for it. Hey, I just googled all of that. I had no idea either. Weird, right? Not only that…but Steve McQueen was the King of Cool. But then another important decision had to be made – The Spelling. Do they go with Steven? Or Stephen? Or Stefan? Or some other unholy combination of letters? “Why don’t we go with the P-H spelling?” “Honey, he’s a man. To an illiterate person that might look like Stephanie. I think we should go with the V…and a dollar sign $ instead of an S.” So when it was all said & done, they compromised…and went with Steven with a V...and the middle name was that of the mother’s father…and the Love family lived happily ever after (until the divorce about 13 years later). So there you go, the story of my name. I’d bore you with the tale of my brother’s name…but I think they screwed up the spelling on that one. The point is to just communicate…express your Top 5 names or something…and who knows, you may stumble upon a similarity. If not, basically the final vote goes to the woman…but ladies, be considerate of your child. Sure, it may sound cute when they’re a baby…but they’re going to grow up and go to school one day & rue you for naming them Enis or Apple or Gilligan or whatever. It’s like the Knight in Last Crusade said, “Choose wisely.” And if you ever need ideas, I’m your guy. I’ll make it a process that you’ll agree with. I’m a great Delegator.

So there is hope for the Future…and it’s rooted in Love & Communication. Being honest now saves so much time & frustration later on. If you don’t like the name, let them know now…and more importantly, why. “Why don’t you like the name Troy?” “Because Troy Aikman’s a (bleeping bleep)” “Who’s Troy Aikman?” “The reason no self-respecting man would ever name their son Troy.” Just remember, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet…and I’m a huge fan of the traditional Chinese way of waiting 100 days before naming a child…but then what would you call it the first three months? The baby? “Aaaaw, what a cute baby. What’s her name?” “We’re waiting 100 days before we decide on one. It’s the traditional Chinese way.” “Oh. Any top contenders?” “I’m thinking Sh*t Machine but my wife’s been calling him Shudafukup…and he seems to be responding to that.” Gosh, I keep getting off point. Anyway, the Future is bright. Love. Communication. Hopefully one day I can share the story of my own children’s names and how they’ll forever hate me for naming them after a character in a Luc Besson movie or sold his naming rights on eBay…but hey, time will tell. Until then, have a great day everybody!!! Say it with me, “$TEEEEEEEVE!!!”

Batman or Superman?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday was a fun day…what with going to the gym for a few hours, playing basketball, going on a little hike to overlook a foggy Donner Lake, etc. So after that wonderful day of activity, I go home and decide to cook me up some dinner. I’m gathering up the ingredients, no big deal, then all of a sudden, I feel like I get tasered in the lower back. “What the f**k?” It was just a quick jolt…but the damage was done. Apparently I had done something to my back. There was no awkward twisting of the spine, no lifting of furniture, no passionate and torrential thrusting motion like I have in the past, not even as much as a slouch in posture. I was grabbing a nearly-empty box of Uncle Ben’s rice off the countertop, directly in front of me, with a measuring cup in my other hand. GINK!!! Now, it’s not that bad. Nothing a good rub down with the hands of a loved one wouldn’t cure…but since there’s nobody like that within 500 miles, I’ve just been gently massaging it myself (yes, I’m aware that it looks like I’m doing something with my bunghole…but I don’t care) and it’s doing okay. It’s just weird that it happened at that moment…as opposed to say, going for a two-handed tomahawk dunk or doing a 300-pound squat or something like earlier in the day. Weird.

While chillaxing, I watched a movie called simply “9” from director Shane Acker. It’s a CGI flick about a post-Apocalyptic world where basically the only things left…are these nine robot sock puppets. (Just go with it) Basically, it’s the whole Terminator thing where technology is built, becomes intelligent, then self-aware, then kills all the humans…but a scientist makes these sock puppet robots to carry on the human spirit. They reactivate “The Machine” and it goes from there as they try to save what’s left of the world. Now, I don’t do a great job of selling the story…but the movie really isn’t that bad. It’s kind of a standard story…but told in a different and visually stunning way. So yeah, if you’re looking for something like that, then I’d say check it out. I think it was only like 75 minutes anyway.

Hey, quick question. Do you like violence? Like, lots of gore and blood splattering all over the place? How about nudity? Lots of nudity, both male & female? How about orgies? Composed of guys on steroids & girls with artificial enhancements? How about cursing? Like…lots of cursing? Like every character has the vocabulary of Jay in the Kevin Smith movies? How about ancient Rome? Really? All of the above? Well then, there’s a show for you called “Spartacus: Blood & Sand” on Starz. It’s a series based on the tales of Spartacus (like the Stanley Kubrick movie) but it’s really just a whole lot of dirty, sweaty, oiled-up guys & women walking around in loose-fitting bedsheets having carnal relations and then stabbing one another…and killing whole families…and there’s gladiator fights thrown in…and slow-motion CGI stuff with crimson blood going everywhere and just…it’s a lot of stuff that you thought wouldn’t be allowed on TV. That’s why it’s on Starz. Anyway, it’s okay so far…but yeah, it’s R-rated. And Xena (Lucy Lawless) is in it. Now for the news…

This Week in Nudity – Speaking of orgies, about 5,200 naked people embraced each other on the steps of Sydney's iconic Opera House on Monday for a photo shoot by Spencer Tunick. Tunick, who is known for his nude group photos in public spaces, posed participants for more than an hour in a variety of positions. "It was difficult to get the straight participants to embrace the gay participants and vice versa. So I was very happy that that last set up finally got done and everyone came together (in a) united, friendly kiss, a loving kiss in front of this great structure." Tehehe, ‘came together’ nice. Nineteen-year-old student Art Rush said he was thrilled to participate. "I'll never get a chance to do this again; it's not worth being inhibited. It doesn't feel sexual, it just feels tribal, a gathering of humanity," he said with a raging totem pole. Tunick has made a name for himself with his works featuring hundreds of naked people at unusual venues. Tunick, who is shy and adheres to mostly black dress, prefers to be called an artist, not a photographer and refers to his work as installations. That’s great. I wonder if I refer to my blog as non-profit organization (which it most certainly is non-profit) if I can get some kind of tax cut. Anyway, congratulations Mr. Tunick on turning the Opera House into something exciting and new. That would’ve been an interesting event to be a part of. Then again, in my current situation, it may not be the safest to be standing near me. “Oh, sorry mate. Thought it was a marble banister. Glad you’re finally able to get some sun on that thing. Sorry for leaning on it the past while.” “Not a problem at all, ma’am. Would you mind taking your beer mug off though? It’s terribly chilly.”

Batman / Superman Update – Okay, so remember last week when the Action Comic with the first appearance of Superman sold for a cool million bucks? And that smashed the old record for most money paid for a comic book? Well, somebody like Batman more. A 1939 comic book in which Batman makes his debut sold at auction Thursday for more than $1 million, breaking a record set just three days earlier by a Superman comic, Heritage Auction Galleries said. The Dallas-based auction house said the rare copy of Detective Comics No. 27 sold for a total of $1,075,500, which includes the buyer's premium, to a buyer who wished to remain anonymous. The consigner wanted to remain anonymous as well. "It pretty much blew away all of our expectations and now it's the highest price ever raised for a comic book," said Barry Sandoval, director of operations of Heritage's comics division. A copy of the first comic book featuring Superman, a 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, sold Monday for $1 million in a sale between a private seller and a private buyer, with the transaction conducted by the New York City auction site ComicConnect.com. "We can really say that Batman has nosed out Superman, at least for now," Sandoval said. He said the consigner had bought the Batman comic in the late 1960s for $100. With a bright yellow background, the comic features Batman swinging on a rope above city rooftops. "That cover is just one of the most famous of all comic book covers," Sandoval said. J.C. Vaughn, associate publisher of The Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide, said most people had predicted it would be the comics with the first appearance of Superman and Batman that broke the $1 million barrier. Both comics that sold this week were in great condition — scoring an 8.0 on a scale that goes up to 10, he said. "I think that you can greenly ascribe this to a real comfort with the liquidity of rare, high grade vintage collectibles," Vaughn said. George Pantela, owner of Melbourne, Australia-based GP Analysis, which tracks sales of certified comics from more than 20 auction houses and dealers, said the previous record was about $317,000 paid a year ago for a lesser grade Action Comics No. 1 than the one sold this week. So apparently somebody’s making good in this market. And the eternal question continues? Are you a Batman…or a Superman? It’s up there with Elvis or the Beatles? Magic or Bird? Sex or Violence? I’m assuming that if you’re reading this blog, I know the answer to the last one…but still, Batman or Superman? Are you the ultimate human using all your extensive resources to be stronger, smarter, faster, better equipped, all in the name of justice (and maybe vengeance)? Or are you a super-powerful alien raised on a primitive planet that you must constantly save from its own destruction? Are you the billionaire playboy who doesn’t have time for a relationship due to your secret identity? Or are you an inexplicable pansy who can’t even hook up with a coworker for your secret identity? (Seriously, I never understood that part of Superman. “Oh I can’t let people know who I am…because it might put them in danger.” You always end up having to save them anyway. You might as well just let it out of the bag…literally. Same with the Spiderman movies) So there you go. Batman beats out Superman…but for how long? Might Wonder Woman #1 beat out both gentlemen this month? Only time will tell…

Angelina Update – Speaking of the super-powered super-hotties, there’s yet another Angelina update. Apparently the reports last week that she dropped the “Wanted” sequel for the sexy space thriller “Gravity” were only half right…because she passed on BOTH projects. So what is she doing then? Looking to adopt another baby? Looking to make another baby? Save the world? Chat with me on Facebook for hours every weekend? (Brad thinks I’m hilarious too) Who knows? But the latest reports say that she and director Darren Aronofsky ("The Wrestler," "The Fountain") are in discussions to team for a film adaptation of Ron Rash's 2008 novel "Serena: A Novel" says The Hollywood Reporter. The "There Will Be Blood"-esque story is set in 1929 North Carolina where a man and his new bride Serena (Jolie) build a timber empire and she pushes him into increasingly ruthless acts to maintain. Upon learning she's unable to conceive, she sets out to murder her husband's illegitimate child. Sounds heavy, right? Chris Kyle ("The Weight of Water," "K-19: The Widowmaker") is adapting the script while Nick Wechsler will produce. The project is still seeking financing so it may not be Jolie's first post-"Tourist" project which is looking more and more likely to be the Kay Scarpetta film (apparently a thriller about a medical examiner). So why would I shovel more hearsay through the Hollywood grapevine? Well, for one, I’m kind of enjoying the image of Angelina going cheek-to-cheek in an Aronofsky flick…but most just because it gives me an excuse to post pictures. You know me.

Panda Update – And if there’s one more thing that you should know about me…it’s that if something goes on in the world of the Panda, I’m on it like Blue Bonnet. Hunger drove a wild panda to break into a Chinese farmer's pig pen and eat their food, which was meat and bone, rather than bamboo. (I told you they were vicious animals) State-run China Central Television said the giant panda had apparently descended from the mountains in a region of southwest China's Sichuan province and was spotted in a field before the animal was found inside the pig pen, chewing on bones and spitting out the meat. After eating its fill, the panda quietly left. Although classified as carnivores, the giant pandas' diet is mainly bamboo, but it also eats other foods including honey, eggs, fish, oranges and bananas when available. Or I’m sure small children if they’re hungry enough. Scientists believe there are around 1,600 giant pandas living in the wild in China, mostly in the mountains of the southwest. The endangered species are considered a national icon and its existence is threatened by logging, agriculture and China's increasing human population. I’m just saying…they’re bears…that spend their whole lives doing three things…and that’s eating, pooping & sleeping (apparently f**king isn’t part of their daily routine though). If there’s not enough bamboo in the immediate area, then I’m surprised that they didn’t come out to see a panda taking a few strips of bacon off Gordy. Some may say that the bear was only eating the bone because they thought it was bamboo, what with the tough enamel and softer marrow within…but I think it’s much worse than that. This panda…has tasted manflesh. Sweet & spicy Sichuan manflesh. And once you’ve had a piece of that manflesh, you get the craving. It’s been proven. Whether you’re a tiger, an orca, a cannibal or a great white, you get the Hunger…and there’s just no going back. Sure, pandas are kinda lazy now and only trying to eat the bones that are left in troughs…but one day, they’ll realize the abundant supply of meat in the villages…and then we’ll see how cute & cuddly they are when they’re tearing down your walls and coming after your children like giant hairy zombies.

Hmm, I think I have me an idea for a movie so bad that the People’s Republic of China would call for me to be tarred & feathered. I’m thinking Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role. “Endangered species, my ass.” KERPLOW!!! Shotgun blasts and gory panda special effects by Tom Savini. It’ll do for pandas what Jaws did for sharks. Make them badass. Sorry, drifted off point for a second. So yeah, pandas are looking for bigger game than fish…and as I’ve mentioned before, they’re carnivorous bears. Be careful when you wander the lovely Sichuan hills with your loved one, maybe have a little picnic under a tree, maybe share a joint or two, start fooling around, “Oh come on, baby”, “Wait Li Quan, did you hear something?”, “It’s the wind blowing through the trees. Come on, me love you long time”, “That’s just racist…hmm, okay.” After several seconds of foreplay, there’s a crackle in the nearby bamboo stalks. “What’s that?” “I think it’s…a panda?” “Aaaah, he’s so cute.” “It’s just a little baby pandaaaah…” Four razor sharp claws burst out of his chest…and the daddy bear digs in. “AAAAGH!!!” A blood-curdling scream is the same in any language. She braces herself against the tree, too petrified to do anything else as the bear continues. The baby is now nudging her feet, maybe looking for a little pet or sign of affection. “Go away.” The baby walks away with a pouty expression…and it gets quiet. No more screams, roars, crunching of bone, tearing of flesh & cartilage, just the wind in the trees. She turns her attention back to the daddy bear, now with more red fur than white…and he’s staring her down. She still can’t move. “Please don’t hurt me.” The bear’s eyes soften as the baby goes to his feet, letting out a cute little whiny roar. The daddy then looks at the baby, then back to her, then back to the baby…and they walk off. “Whew… Oh no, Li Quan.” She tears up…but tries to be quiet so as not to rouse the pandas again. She closes her eyes for a moment, opens them…and they’re still walking away. That’s when the other two pandas attack from the sides like raptors as the title sequences starts amid her screams & flailing body parts. Oh yes, they’re pack hunters in my movie…and manflesh is an aphrodisiac to pandas…but that’ll all be explained later in the movie & in the subsequent sequels. Sounds like something you would watch? You bet your ass you would. I’ve seen the opening weekend box office numbers for some real crap horror movies out there. I’m thinking I could turn a profit with this one.

So that’s going to do it for today. I’ve got to start with the script & see if I can get Samuel away from the Marvel contract of his for a few days. Another one to add to my pile of blockbusters that’ll probably never get made…at least with my name on the credits. Have a great day everybody!!!