Don't Take A Whole Day To Recognize Sunshine

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the morning cleaning up my apartment a bit, then went to see my mom, brother & nephew up at the Fortress of Solitude. They'd had a rough week...and Vinny was super excited to see me. We talked...and mostly used our imaginations of how to overcome the odds with regards to the Kairi situation...but yeah, not the most fun time ever...but we were family...and we were there for each other. Also, I had dinner at a very nice restaurant in Eden called Harley & Buck's. Now, the location was at a condominium complex & being told that it was a steakhouse, I was expecting some astronomical prices...but that was not the case. Sure, there were a few menu items in the $20 range like ahi tuna, a full rack of ribs, prime rib steaks, etc...but here's the thing. For about twenty bucks, I got crab cakes for an appetizer, a beef brisket sandwich with all the fixin's, onion rings and gratuity. The proportions were good too. Not bad for a great atmosphere with a beautiful view of Ogden Valley at sunset either. Furthermore, we got Vinny a burger from the children's menu...and I think they actually gave that guy more food than they gave me. He had a man-sized 1/3 pound burger, full plate of fries and a (root) beer...but luckily he had his Uncle $teve to help him with some of those. Good eats. Then we went to a party that my aunt was throwing...and had a good time with my drunken redneck family. The only lame part was when somebody would ask about Kairi...and my mom would instantly start crying. So yeah, other than that, good times. I got a call from Bubbles too, which really brightened up my evening. She asked me what I was going to be for Halloween...and I didn't really have a response other than, "I don't know, maybe Chewbacca again...or I have some dollar store things from a few years ago where I could be a pirate without eyeshadow or something." Apparently she doesn't think those are good ideas...but she also knows that Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays (though tomorrow is definitely my least favorite). So I throw the question upon you. What should Dr Love be for Halloween? Suggestions? In the meantime, here's the news...

Vick Update - Believe me, I've already thought about being Michael Vick...or more appropriately to my skin color, the Ghost of Michael Vick and walk around in an Eagles jersey & a Scooby Doo on a leash...but I thought that it might be a little too soon...and I've already had run-ins with animal rights activists in the past...and that was just for having a leather jacket. They didn't even know that I worked at a dairy for two years. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah. The aforementioned Vick will be giving the public an inside look at his life during an eight-part television series scheduled to debut on BET (yes, THE Black Entertainment Television) next year. Tentatively titled “The Michael Vick Project,” the cable show will follow the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback as he tries to redeem himself after going to prison for 18 months for his role in operating a dogfighting ring. DuBose Entertainment, which is co-producing the series (also produce "Hell Date"), and BET officially announced the show Friday. “I think its important to show our youth and our kids that you face adversity but you’re not responsible for falling, you’re responsible for getting up,” Vick said earlier this week. “I’m very remorseful about what happened and what I did. I just don’t want other people to go down that path. I’m trying to make it right and repair past damages. That’s all I want to show.” The show is part reality TV, part documentary, chronicling Vick’s rise from a difficult childhood to becoming a star at Virginia Tech, the No. 1 overall draft pick of the Atlanta Falcons in 2001, and at the time of his arrest the highest paid player in the NFL. Its producers also are promising a stark, candid look at Vick’s precipitous fall, which culminated in his prison term and bankruptcy, and his return to the NFL this season. Vick signed a $1.6 million deal with the Eagles on August 13th, with a team option for next year worth $5.2 million. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell gave Vick his full reinstatement September 3rd and allowed him to return to the field in Week 3. Vick has played sparingly his first two games, completing 11 of 15 passes for 45 yards with one interception, and running eight times for 36 yards and a score. “Michael Vick’s story is about second chances, and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell his complete story,” BET president Loretha Jones said in a statement. Vick said he began filming the show with his own crew when he was sent to prison, long before BET got involved. He said he wanted the cameras to see “the ugly results of my decisions” so that other people won’t make the same mistakes. “We started filming that a long time ago, not with BET but just on my own. My own film crew. We haven’t been shooting lately, but it’s something we’ve been doing since I was in prison and through the bankruptcy. It was all out then and I was doing it. I think as the season goes on, I won’t have time for it. Maybe some time in 2010 we can pick up where we left off.” Now, I know what you're thinking...and just because it's on BET doesn't mean that it's going to be completely biased (allegedly). I am a huge fan of BET. As I mentioned back when I first started this thing over two years ago, I've watched a lot of programming...and some of it is pretty insightful stuff...and I hope that this is too. I really do hope that Michael Vick becomes a legendary tale of redemption and learning from your mistakes.

On another note, who else besides me thinks that it's weird that there's a BET (Black Entertainment Television), a WE TV (Women's Entertainment Television) and such...but there's not a crazy horny redneck television station? Oh wait, they call it Spike TV. That's right. Never mind. I think "MANswers" is coming on...or a show about things blowing up or hot chicks. Excuse me.

Simpsons Update - Aye Carumba! Marge Simpson has done something that Homer might not like but will make Bart the proudest kid in his school: She's posed for Playboy magazine. After more than a half century featuring women like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford (WHAT??? REALLY???) and the Girls of Hooters on its cover, Playboy has for the first time given the spot to a cartoon character (Take THAT Wonder Woman!!!). And the magazine is giving the star of "The Simpsons" the star treatment, complete with a data sheet, an interview and a 2-page centerfold (wow, really?). The magazine's editorial director, James Jellinek, won't say exactly how much of Marge will show in the November edition that hits newsstands on October 16th or whether she lets that big pile of blue hair down...but, he did say, "It's very, very racy." But he stressed that the mother of three (the youngest a baby for the past two decades, by the way) has a lot to be proud of. "She is a stunning example of the cartoon form," he said on Friday at the magazine's headquarters in Chicago, appearing both pleased and surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. For Playboy, which has seen its circulation slip from 3.15 million to 2.6 million since 2006, putting Marge on the cover was designed to attract younger readers (just remember, the show's been on for twenty years) to a magazine where the median age of readers is 35, while not alienating older readers. "We knew that this would really appeal to the 20-something crowd," said Playboy spokeswoman Theresa Hennessey (who has NOT appeared on a cover...yet). The magazine also hopes to turn the November issue into a collectors' item by featuring Marge, sitting on a chair in the shape of the iconic Playboy bunny, on the cover of only the magazines sold in newsstands. Subscribers get a more traditional model on the cover. "It's so rare in today's digital age where you have the opportunity to send people to the newsstand to pick something up," Jellinek said. Playboy even convinced 7-Eleven to carry the magazine in its 1,200 corporate-owned stores, something the company has only done once before in more than 20 years. "We love Marge," said 7-Eleven spokesman Margaret Chabris. For those who do collect the magazine — and they're out there — the cover will bring to mind another first for the magazine that occurred in 1971 when a black woman appeared on the cover in exactly the same pose and, like Marge, smiling under an impressive head of hair. "We knew it was something all of our readers would get a kick out of," said Hennessey. Jellinek said putting Marge on the cover, while unusual, made perfect sense. For one thing, the cover celebrates the 20th anniversary of the TV show. Further, he said there was an episode in which "Marge bears all," which suggested that she, or at least the people who drew her, would be comfortable with the Playboy treatment. Perhaps most important, the idea seemed like a good one to the magazine's founder, His Majesty Hugh Hefner. "He's a huge 'Simpsons' fan,' said Jellinek. "He's been on 'The Simpsons.'" What HASN'T Hef done? Seriously? This is...ugh, an interesting turn of events...but it is combining a few of my favorite things - The Simpsons, female nudity, beautiful photography & drawing, hard-hitting journalism, female nudity, expanding target demographics, slurpees and female nudity. Hmm, I may have to stop by and pickup a Coke Slurpee and a magazine on Friday. The most intriguing question that I'm sure is on everybody's mind: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Well done Hef. You've tapped into a potentially viable market here with the television crowd...and I have a few suggestions for you (and all I ask is that you invite me to the Mansion a.k.a. Pay it forward). You may want to consider expanding in it a bit...but don't dilute it too much. Maybe a little down the road, a 10th anniversary of Family Guy with a Lois Griffin centerfold...or next year could be the 50 year reunion with Wilma Flintstone & Betty Rubble (tell me you haven't thought about it, I dare you). I mean...the Flintstones was the first TV show to show a couple in the same bed. Think about it. Furthermore, don't forget about the incredibly exploitable...er, profitable comic book crowd. I mentioned Wonder Woman earlier...but there's also the X-Women, Aeon Flux (not really much to the imagination there), Tomb Raider, Cheetara, the Disney Princesses (good luck with getting the rights to that one), Jessica Rabbit, just lots of possibilities...and to prove my point...please enjoy the following PG-13 examples...

I'm just saying, they all have intriguing life stories, incredible personalities, curvy figures...and most importantly to your business, loyal fan bases. Like I said, no need to thank me...but I have always wondered if the legends are true. Besides Hef, I know that you're a religious reader of my blog...and you know that I could use this. Not just a weekend checking out the Holy Land that is the Playboy Mansion...but if you're looking for a young go-getter with great ideas, a spectacular work ethic, an eye for talent, a triple dose of charm and a marketing management degree...then I think when I'm in the LA area next month, you may want to drop me a line. I'll even bring Lilie around so that you can meet her. No, no, she probably wouldn't pose (though there's good money in it) but she's new in town and great at meeting people from around the world who might be good talent. Just throwing it out there. You know how to reach me. We can even shoot the sh*t about Marilyn & the late great Bettie Page.

That'll probably do it for today. The Wingman's coming to hang out for a few days (court stuff with his kids too...weird) but I have tomorrow off work, so we may be able to have a fun day. If only the gentlemen's clubs in Utah weren't absolutely horrible by industry standards. Oh well, we'll make due somehow. And Mrs Wingman, if you're reading this, don't worry. I'll keep him safe & happy...and we're both bummed that you're not up here enjoying downtown Slick City with us. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

P.S. Again, what should I be for Halloween? Discuss.

It's a Crazy World We Live In

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So...some mildly disheartening news on the Kairi situation...but nothing that wasn't as expected thanks to the clusterf**k that is the Utah Legal System...but there's another thing that I didn't really think of until last night. I talked with my brother...and he told me about my nephew Vinny. He said that he's been looking all around for his big sister and asking about her...and then I was thinking about it...and who is the one person that he's been around every single day since birth? His dad? Not quite. His grandma? Close. His bad-ass uncle? Not at all. His crack whore birth giver? F**k no. Who then? His big sister. No matter where he has been, she has been right there with him...and now, she's off with that C-word somewhere. Apparently Vinny's been really sad and kinda lazy these past few days...and my brother's been trying to cheer him up...but obviously he hasn't been in the best of moods. I may not have helped things either last night.

For the first few minutes, I was my usual sympathetic self...because I know that it's just an overall sh*tty situation (like since he got back with her over three years ago) but after a few, he made a comment like, "I just never thought that she would do something like this to me." I probably should've thrown on the frontal lobe brakes and quoted some cheesy line from a chick flick or something to ease his broken heart...but instead, in typical big brother fashion, my response was "REALLY? Really Kiel? You never thought that? Not once? Never ever? Really? Come on man, you can be honest with me. I'm your brother." Silence. "Not once? In all the times that you talked to me... Mom... Dad... Isaiah... The minister... Your doctor... That guy in the mirror... You never ONCE thought that she would do something like this? Leave you? Go back to being just like her mother when things got tough? Break your heart? Not once? Ever?" Silence. "Well, try not to worry about it dude. We've got your back...and we're going to get her back somehow. You just know with this legal bullsh*t that it's never easy, just or right. Especially if you have a penis...and we have a lot of that, right?" We'll see if that really cheered him up or not...but yeah, it's been a rough few days. I'm just hoping that any minute Karma will shove a pineapple up someone's ass. Luckily, I have the news to cheer me up...with stories of absolute craziness...

Saudis are Crazy - Speaking of horrible legal systems in questionable holy lands that don't understand the concept of separation of church & state, a Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail AND 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television (Charlie Sheen?), in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom. Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program. His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia (so...not even Lebanon?), where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public. King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms. Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each. LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows (but apparently without the sexual references or adult situations). Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls ("Look, is like phone but there's no cord. Want make beast with two backs?). A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term. "Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday. Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty (REALLY?). Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion. Abdul-Jawad's brother (who didn't even want to be named & therefore associated with him) said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society. "Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency." Yeah. Bat crackers crazy, right? And this is the stuff that they let leak out into the public eye. F**king crazy. Note to self: Do not go within three countries of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia...because apparently their cleric judges have jurisdiction over ALL that Islam touches. Also, key to picking up overly conservative women is through my cell phone, not my temple recommend as previously theorized. Hmm, maybe it was the being on TV that did it. The best part about this whole thing...is what was going on simultaneously in Bangkok of all places...

Saudi Financial Aid? - There are plenty of needy countries at the U.N. climate talks in Bangkok that make the case they need financial assistance to adapt to the impacts of global warming...and then there are the Saudis. Saudi Arabia has led a quiet campaign during these and other negotiations, demanding behind closed doors that oil-producing nations get special financial assistance if a new climate pact calls for substantial reductions in the use of fossil fuels. That campaign comes despite an International Energy Agency report released this week showing that OPEC revenues would still increase $23 trillion between 2008 and 2030 (a fourfold increase compared to the period from 1985 to 2007) if countries agree to significantly slash emissions and thereby cut their use of oil. That is the limit most countries agree is needed to avoid the worst impacts of climate change. The head of the Saudi delegation Mohammad S. Al Sabban dismissed the IEA figures as "biased" and said OPEC's own calculations (using an abacus?) showed that Saudi Arabia would lose $19 billion a year starting in 2012 under a new climate pact (and that doesn't include the lashes). The region would lose much more, he said. "We are among the economically vulnerable countries," Al Sabban told The Associated Press on the sidelines of the talks ahead of negotiations in Copenhagen in December for a treaty to replace the Kyoto Protocol, which expires in 2012. "This is very serious for us. We are in the process of diversifying our economy but this will take a long time. We don't have too many resources." Saudi Arabia, which sits atop the world's largest proven oil reserves, is seeing economic growth slide because of fallout from the global meltdown (ugh...I'm sorry economic GROWTH slide? So they're still growing...and we're supposed to feel sorry?) but experts still expect the country, flush with cash from oil's earlier price spike last year, to be better able than other nations to cope with the current crisis. Al Sabban accused Western nations of pursuing an agenda against oil producers, under the guise of protecting the planet (actually, it's both). "Many politicians in the Western world think these climate change negotiations and the new agreement will provide them with a golden opportunity to reduce their dependence on imported oil. That means you will transfer the burden to developing countries, especially to those highly dependent on the exploitation of oil." Al Sabban said his country wanted a new deal and was not impeding progress in talks as some activists have claimed. An Arab environmental group IndyACT and the environmental group Germanwatch released a report Thursday accusing Saudi Arabia of blocking key elements of the negotiations. Among their tactics, the groups said, was slowing negotiations by insisting that the economic woes of oil producers be included in the text. "Despite the variability in the region, the current Arab position is mainly focused around protecting the oil trade rather than saving the planet form the adverse impacts of climate change," said Wael Hmaidan, the executive director of IndyACT. Most countries have agreed that any new pact should include provisions to avoid temperature increases of more than 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit (2 degrees Celsius) above preindustrial levels — the threshold at which most scientists say serious climate change will ensue. So there you go. Sure, I may seem a little biased in the situation...but I think that it's just crazy. However, I'm not one to just point out the faults of other nations. We have a bit of an identity crisis too.

Obama Wins Noble Peace Prize - I repeat, United States President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday in a stunning decision designed to build momentum behind his initiatives to reduce nuclear arms, ease tensions with the Muslim world and stress diplomacy and cooperation rather than unilateralism. Obama said he was surprised and deeply humbled by the honor, and planned to travel to Oslo to accept the prize. "I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize. I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the challenges of the 21st century." Many observers were shocked by the unexpected choice so early in the Obama presidency, which began less than two weeks before the February 1st nomination deadline and has yet to yield concrete achievements in peacemaking. Some around the world objected to the choice of Obama, who still oversees wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and has launched deadly counter-terror strikes in Pakistan and Somalia (don't forget about Iran, North Korea, Martians and whatever else we get asked to take care of or they don't let us know about). Obama said he was working to end the war in Iraq and "to confront a ruthless adversary that directly threatens the American people and our allies" in Afghanistan. Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee said their choice could be seen as an early vote of confidence in Obama intended to build global support for his policies. They lauded the change in global mood wrought by Obama's calls for peace and cooperation, and praised his pledges to reduce the world stock of nuclear arms, ease American conflicts with Muslim nations and strengthen the U.S. role in combating climate change. "Obama has as President created a new climate in international politics," the citation read, in part. "Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play. Dialogue and negotiations are preferred as instruments for resolving even the most difficult international conflicts." God, I hope so. Wouldn't world peace across the entire planet Earth be sweet? Yeah, I think so too. Oh and in other news...

We Bombed the MOON!!! - On the same day that an American President won the Nobel Peace Prize, NASA blasted the surface of the moon with two spacecraft on Friday in a dramatic bid to find water on the lunar surface, an experiment that could be a stepping stone to a permanent moon base. At 1131 GMT the agency hurtled a rocket into the moon's Cabeus crater, near the southern pole, at around 5,600 miles (9,000 kilometers) per hour, followed four minutes later by a shepherding spacecraft equipped with cameras to record the impact (why have a crash landing if you can't videotape it?). The space agency said the blasts successfully kicked up a plume of lunar dirt (no sh*t) that was captured by sensitive devices on board the trailing LCROSS craft. "Everything really worked very well, the spacecraft flew perfect, the instruments performed better than expected in some cases, We got interesting results," a NASA statement said. The agency will now set about the tricky task on sifting and analyzing the 350 tons of dirt thrown up by the impact. Cameras mounted on the one ton shepherding spacecraft failed to beam live footage of the initial impact as the craft flew through the debris plume (aaaaah...) but NASA said the experiment went well despite the hitch. During the experiment, grainy thermal images carried on the US space agency's television station showed colder blue sites and warmer red sites on the moon's surface. The mission's website reads, "The LCROSS science team is making their preliminary assessment of approximately four minutes of data collected from the LCROSS Spacecraft. Observatories involved in the LCROSS Observation Campaign are reporting in. We don't anticipate anything about presence or absence of water immediately. It's going to take us some time," cautioned Anthony Colaprete, project scientist and principal investigator for the $79 MILLION LCROSS mission, which is also a preparatory mission for the Constellation program, which aims to send Americans back to the moon by 2020 (so fifty years after we already did that? Has anybody seen Moonraker, by the way?). Colaprete said it would take several days for analysts to evaluate the data and several weeks to determine whether and how much hydrogen-bearing compounds were found...but the important thing is...that we blew up the moon to see if water would come out because other experiments & analysis just weren't getting the job done. God bless America!!! Land of the Free...and Home of the Ballsy!!! "Thank you all for this incredible honor. Oh, and by the way, you should all check out the moon tonight. It's gonna look...a little different. Peace, I'm Audi." That'll probably never happen until I'm elected as a public official...but still, I like to think about it once in a while.

That'll do it for today. The world is a crazy place...but that's why there's people like me around to try to keep it all in perspective. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Please pray for my little niece.

Don't let her turn into her mother...

The really sad thing is...this is, honest to God,

the best picture that I have of the bitch.

Have a great weekend everybody!!! We love you, Kairi.

Worst First Date Ever?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

In a much better mood than I have been the past few days. Why? Because I've been able to make my family mildly happier these past few days with the whole Kairi situation. I don't want to give any details, in case a specific crack whore sister-in-law maybe reading this for some reason (and if so, please re-read this entry) but if there's any merit in the Justice system at all, my niece should be back in the loving arms of her REAL family shortly. Other than that, haven't had a whole lot of time to do much of anything else the past few days. Watched a little "Supernatural" and I just finished up season 3. The formula still stands true for the most part...and Filly described it as a "a modern day Western...with monsters...and classic rock" and that pretty much sums it up. So yeah, nothing else other than that...but there's always the news...

Alabama Mama - I read stories like this...and I have to check to make sure I'm not related to anybody in the article. Have I mentioned my proud redneck genes? An Alabama woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after police say she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van. Albertville Police spokesman Sgt. Jamie Smith said the 37-year-old woman was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top. Smith said the woman told police the box was too big to go inside the van, and that her daughter was inside the box to hold it down (oh yeah, she said it). Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger (oh my God, it just gets better). The 13-year-old daughter (that's right, 13-year-old daughter) wasn't harmed and was turned over to a relative. A jail worker said the mother was out on bond Monday. Just wanted to let you all know that...we all make mistakes, and nobody's a perfect parent...but it's okay, because there's always somebody stupider out there...and they're probably in Alabama. Another thing that kind of gets me is...okay, the box was too big for their van...but apparently so light that it required a teenage girl AND a coat hanger to hold it down? Was it a box of those little Styrofoam peanuts? If not, was it empty? Just dismantle the box. Also, how is this stupid b**ch out on bond? Does Alabama have similar maternal omnipotence like the state of Utah? So many questions...but I'm going to change the subject before I get angered...

Finger Kickin' Good Chicken - Authorities in Massachusetts say a couple, upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order, assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of children in line. The couple was arrested Thursday after witnesses told police the couple beat the man as he was leaving the restaurant. Police say 31-year-old Jared Garfagna of Marshfield punched the man in the head, and then Garfagna's girlfriend, 24-year-old Sara Mohn, kicked the man. The victim had cuts on his eyelid and wrists. Mohn has been charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (possibly a Red Sox cap). Garfagna has been ordered to appear in court on assault and battery charges. It's unclear whether either has hired an attorney. Yeah, that sounds like Boston. I don't know what it is about the Bostonian or New Jersey accent...but it makes me want to cause violence...so I can only assume that's why so many are loud and angry (at least by Utah standards). I mean...it's well known that I like chicken (in fact, some have caught my special dance about how much I like chicken) but am I going to beat somebody up in a parking lot over chicken? Perhaps...but not in this situation where I was making an ass of myself at somebody else's workplace. Sir, best of luck to you in court. Damn, now I want popcorn chicken...

Kung Fu Brothel - The New Zealand Olympic Committee (NZOC) has threatened to sue a local taekwondo athlete who plans to finance his 2012 London Games bid...with the proceeds from a brothel. Logan Campbell, whose participation in the Beijing Olympics last year cost him NZ$150,000 ($110,600) -- most of which came from his parents -- opened a brothel with a friend in Auckland earlier this year. Campbell went public with the scheme in July and the 23-year-old said he hoped to raise NZ$300,000 to alleviate any financial burden on his parents (ah, nice guy) and to have more time to concentrate on training. After remaining silent on the issue for three months, the NZOC had written a letter to Campbell demanding he cease linking the Olympics to his business or face legal action, the athlete told New Zealand television Wednesday. "Based on the Olympic values of excellence, friendship and respect, we would place your actions as totally inconsistent with these values," TV3 network quoted an excerpt of the letter, signed by NZOC secretary-general Barry Maister, as saying. "Your open solicitation of 'clients' for your 'business' while using the Olympic or Olympian connection must cease immediately, or the NZOC will be forced to consider taking legal action against you." Campbell, who finished outside the medals in the featherweight division at Beijing, defended his business and fundraising efforts. Owning and running brothels is legal in New Zealand, where laws governing prostitution are relatively liberal by world standards (Go Kiwis!!!). "At the end of the day, I feel like I'm not exploiting anyone because no one has to be here, we are not forcing anyone to be here. They are here of their own free will," he told the network. Campbell is now threatening legal action of his own. How about that? You can partake of the wonderful service of an exotic location like New Zealand AND help a young man achieve his dream of participating in the Olympic Games. As you might have guessed, I have absolutely no problem with this scenario at all. In fact, NZOC, if you don't like it, then pay his way. Oh, you can't? Then allow him to get his own damn sponsorship deal. Don't discredit him because he's not getting caught up in your bureaucratic horsewaggle and has decided to take matter into his own hands and find legal alternative means of financing his dreams. Shame on you, New Zealand. Your prime minister Gary would be appalled...as would your fourth most popular folk band, The Flight of the Conchords. Mister Campbell, I would be more than happy to help support your business and your dream. However, flights down there are pretty f**king expensive. Once I get over that hurdle though, you're definitely on my city tour of Auckland. Good luck. Hopefully I'll see you in London in 2012.

Naturale Nature Hike - German naturists will soon have their own 18-km (11-mile) long trail for hiking...in the nude. Oddly enough, some enthusiasts have been trying it out before the official opening next May. Heinz Ludwig, who runs a nearby campsite, has led the project to create the nudist trail that meanders up and down the Harz mountain range in central Germany, overcoming some local protests by pointing out its potential boost for tourism (really? That's your angle?). "I think it's a great way to promote tourism here," Ludwig told Reuters on Tuesday after Bild newspaper published a picture of two women wearing nothing but rucksacks on the trail (okay, you've won me over). "There's already been a lot of interest in it." The trail runs between the village of Dankerode and the Wippertal dam. Naturism fans have been monitoring progress of the trail in Internet chatrooms for months and a band of naked hikers (sounds like the beginning of a really bad horror flick) took a test walk on the not-quite-finished trail in May. The trail is being marked with special signs warning the uninitiated that they could encounter nude hikers. One sign reads, "If you don't want to see people with nothing on, then you should refrain from moving on!" I'm going to help my German friends by suggesting another sign that seems to work pretty well over here in the States, "LIVE NUDES XXX" and I'm sure that you can get the red & purple neon to work off solar power or something. You Germans are always on the cutting edge of technology. Just look at the Sham-Wow! Not a must-see on my backpacking trip through Europe though. Sure it'd be nice to see some nice uninhibited Lola running through the forest...but it's more than likely going to be Gunther the Metzger wanting to chat it up. "Cold out huh?" "Ja, es ist kalt. Funf Celsius." "Sigh..." "It looks like you are smoking...but you are not." "Sigh...I sure ain't." "Oooh, look at mine goose pimples." "Sigh...no thanks, Gunther. I'm ugh...gonna go...somewhere else. Hey, is Katarina Witt still around somewhere?"

There May Be A Cure - Scientists and government leaders have already started mapping out how to try to improve the world's first successful AIDS vaccine, which protected one in three people from getting HIV in a large study in Thailand. That's not good enough for immediate use, researchers say. Yet it is a watershed event in the 26 years since the AIDS virus was discovered. Recent setbacks led many scientists to think a successful vaccine would never be possible. The World Health Organization and the U.N. agency UNAIDS said the results "instilled new hope" in the field, even though it likely will be years before a vaccine might be widely available. "This is truly a great moment for world medicine," said Lt. Gen. Eric Schoomaker, the U.S. Army Surgeon General. The Army helped sponsor the study, the world's largest of an AIDS vaccine. It was the first time scientists tried preventing HIV the same way they treat it — with a combination approach. The study used two vaccines that work in different ways, and that may be one reason the strategy worked, even though neither vaccine did when tested individually in earlier trials, scientists say. The combo cut the risk of becoming infected with HIV by more than 31% in the study of more than 16,000 volunteers in Thailand, researchers announced Thursday in Bangkok. That benefit is modest, yet "it's the first evidence that we could have a safe and effective preventive vaccine," said Col. Jerome Kim, an Army doctor who helped lead the study. The outcome "gives me cautious optimism about the possibility of improving this result" and developing a more effective AIDS vaccine, said Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, which co-sponsored the study. "It's an opening of a new gateway to a road that has brighter lights in it now and maybe some directions. We need to bring the best minds together and map the way forward." That has already started. Dozens of researchers, vaccine makers and deep-pocket donors will meet next week in New York "to talk about where we go from here," said Dr. Alan Bernstein, executive director of the Global HIV Vaccine Enterprise, an alliance of government officials, AIDS scientists, funders such as the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, and the WHO. At the meeting will be researchers from the Thai trial, the Army and independent scientists. Scientists around the world cheered the first taste of victory...and who ever thought that the cure for an STD would be found in Thailand? This is pretty good news...and I hope it continues.

Worst First Date? - A Detroit man has been sentenced to at least two years in prison for stealing a woman's car AFTER skipping out on the check during their first date. Twenty-four-year-old Terrance McCoy was sentenced Friday in Oakland County Circuit Court to two to 10 years in prison. McCoy pleaded no contest September 18th to unlawfully driving away a vehicle (I guess that's how they word grand theft auto in Detroit). A no-contest plea is not an admission of guilt but is treated as a conviction at sentencing. Police say McCoy dined with the 27-year-old Southfield woman on April 24 at a restaurant in Ferndale. The woman told investigators McCoy said he forgot his wallet in her car and asked for the keys (Really? REALLY?). Police say McCoy then took off in the car. Defense attorney Terri Antisdale says McCoy is a "very nice man who made a bad decision." How do you think SHE feels about the decision? Wow. Now, I've had some pretty good experiences with first dates (knock on wood). I have yet to have a first date where I feared for my life, involved the police in any way, received some sort of scar or really anything out of the ordinary...other than a few memories & awkward social advances. However, I am not everybody. So I throw it out there, anybody want to share their worst first date experiences? Anybody? It'd be awesome if you did. You know I'd be more than willing to share a really good story...but you know the best that I've got is that girl who looked like she was 14 and wouldn't stop talking about American Idol. I kept expecting Chris Hanson to come walking around the corner. "I swear to God, she told me she was 24." "And you believed her?" "Dude, I asked for ID." That's about it. So please...feel free to share...and use fake names. I don't want anybody's feelings to be hurt.

(Please enter story in comments)

Have a great day everybody!!!

Football 101

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So Sunday night, I was watching a football game with my brother, my buddy Isaiah and a few others...and I heard broadcaster Cris Collinsworth use a word that I had never heard before in the English language - "Favre-ish" or perhaps spelled "Favrish" though inexplicably pronounced "Far-vish". Granted football is full of words and terms that may or may not make any lick of sense...as anybody who doesn't follow football (Lilie, Mad Scientist, JL Clyde, Fidel Castro, etc) may know...but I thought that I would take it upon myself to try to explain a few of them. Also, if you require more one-on-one tutorage (ladies...) then I'm more than happy to offer my encyclopedic knowledge of football, basketball, and just about any sport you'll typically see on Sportscenter to help you understand...or at least have some fun being slightly confused. On the flip side, if ANYBODY out there knows anything about Cricket, I'm all ears. Anyway, here are some terms that might be confusing...and then we'll get to this new word "Favrish"

Note: I'm assuming that you at least know what a quarterback is and have at least seen a game so that you know it's played on a field instead of on top of a tabletop or on a golf course or something. Please let me know if you need further clarification though. I'm all about spreading the knowledge.

End Zone - Nothing like the Twilight Zone, rather this is the goal line. If the team is able to advance the ball in an appropriate manner past this line, then they are awarded with six points.

Audible - Yes, you can hear it. An "audible" is called when the quarterback sees that the play called in the huddle may not work (perhaps the defense is anticipating a similar play or he sees an open opportunity in their defensive positioning), so he'll call a different play while everybody's lined up. This can be extremely difficult in a loud arena.

Blitz - German for "Lightning" this is when the defense sends a few more people than normal after the quarterback...or try to shock & awe the offense by sending in quick, little guys after the quarterback while the bigger guys drop back to defend the pass.

Bomb - Oh yeah, there's a lot of dramatic metaphors in this game. Not to be confused with Da Bomb, a "bomb" is when the quarterback throws the ball faaaaaaar downfield (at least 40 yards or so) towards an intended receiver. If there's only time for one last play and there's a long way to go to the end zone, a "Hail Mary" is an overly dramatic metaphor for when a "bomb" of a pass is thrown into the end zone and a largely manner with which anybody can catch it...but hopefully somebody on their team, thus ending in a touchdown. (See Doug Flutie)

Shotgun - I'm slightly unnerved that this is referring to a formation where the quarterback is standing about 5-7 yards behind the snapper, who is bent over in front of him. Not sure where the shotgun comes into play with that scenario...but perhaps the sport originated in the backwoods of Appalachia.

Pigskin - Further evidence about the backwoods of Appalachia theory ("SQUEEEEEAL!!!") but this is referring to the football. Apparently they were once made out of pig skin before the

Play Action Pass - Basically it's when you fake handing the ball to the running back to fool the defense...and then throw a pass instead.

Bootleg - Nothing to do with fashion...but after a play action pass, then the quarterback runs to the opposite side of the fake hand-off to either run...or more realistically pass. It really makes a lot more sense if I have the little Starting Lineup guys or plastic soldiers or game footage to show you.

Safety - And you thought there was no such thing on a football field...but rather, there are TWO meanings on this term. On defense, there's typically two guys standing about 20 yards back from the line of scrimmage as kind of a last resort defense or like a safety valve to stop a long pass or something. Those two guys are called the safeties. The other meaning is on the rare occasion when a team is tackled inside of the opposite end zone of where they're trying to go...a hundred yards from their goal. If that happens, that is called a safety (and the referee makes a motion like an A in YMCA) and the defense is awarded two points...and they get the ball punted to them.

Punt - The offense has four chances to go ten yards (seems easy enough, right?) but if they get stopped on the fourth down, then the defensive team gets the ball at that spot. However, on the fourth down, the offense can decide to kick the ball away...pushing the defensive team back about 40 yards more on average. The defensive team can catch the ball and try to run it back too. It's actually quite an exciting situation.

Sack - This is when the defense tackles the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. I have no idea why it's called a sack. Perhaps back in the day of leather helmets, they used to tie them up in a sack and toss them into the river or something...or maybe that just signaled a time-out and then the other players could eat their sack lunch.

Fumble - When that odd-shaped pigskin ball is dropped, it bounces around in quite the odd patterns. In fact, if it's raining or something, you'll see a bunch of 300-pound men trying to jump on top of what appears to be a greased pigskin. It's quite entertaining sometimes. Oh, so yeah, when the ball is dropped, it's called a fumble.

Lateral - In between a backwards pitch & a forward pass...is a lateral pass. This is typically used on an Option Play, where the previously mentioned Bootleg has the quarterback running to one side...and the running back nearby. The reason it's called an Option play is because the quarterback has the option to A) Run the ball himself, B) Throw a lateral pass, basically a pitch to his side to the running back and let him run it, or C) Maybe throw it to a receiver with a forward pass down the field.

PAT - Stands for Point After Touchdown. When you cross the goal line (get into the end zone), you are awarded with six points...but then you also get to kick a 20-yard field goal for an extra point. It may not seem like much...but it has been the deciding factor in quite a few games.

Pooch Kick - See? Michael Vick's kicked out of the league for two years for what he did to dogs...and they have a term like "pooch kick", it just sickens me. On the real though, it's basically the term used for a short punt where they try to get the offensive team as far back as possible...without going into the end zone (because if that happens, then they start at the 20 yard line).

Pump Fake - This is not a celebratory pelvic thrust into the air (though they are pretty fun) but rather when a quarterback fakes the motion of a pass to fool the defense...and then will usually run with it or throw it elsewhere.

Nickel Package - Not an amount of marijuana or a roll of coins...but this is referred to a defense that has five defensive backs instead of the usual four. This is primarily for when the defense anticipates a pass play.

Dime Package - Again, not paraphernalia or coinage, but when the defense has six defensive backs...but I prefer to think of it as what the cheerleader's working with...a total dime package.

Nose Tackle - Yes, this would be painful...and that's why they were the facemasks. However, this term refers to the defensive guy who usually stand in the middle, right in front of the snapper. These men are usually AT LEAST 300 pounds...and usually more like 350. They are big, slow & bulky...but they are essential to a good run defense up the middle. That's why they get paid the big bucks.

Tight End - I have no idea why they're called this...but as you might expect, some of these guys have pretty tight ends. These are offensive linemen who line up on the front line...but can go downfield to catch a pass if needed. They're usually about 6'6" 280 pounds so pretty big targets downfield...or pretty good blockers, depending on the play called.

Special Teams - Similar to the 4 x 100 m relay at the Special Olympics, these are athletes who wear helmets...but that's wear the similarities stop. This is the term for the kicking teams that come out for punts, kickoffs, PATs, and field goals. If balls are getting kicked, these are the guys on the grass. Wait, that might've came out wrong. Yeah, kicking teams. Very important part of the game.

My new favorite word: "Favrish" - Adjective - Apparently this is when something is in a fashion similar to that of Brett Favre, the face of the NFL...who is turning 40 this saturday and still one of the best out there. Hell, I even went into Cowboys Stadium two years back just to see him from several hundred yards away. Honestly, I'm a little worried. These Vikings that he's playing for look really good...and may be real contenders if they stay healthy. However, the definition of this word is as diverse & complex as the man himself. I mean...he owns just about every passing record out there...yet his first NFL completion was to himself for -7 yards. After his rookie year (in which he didn't throw a single pass) with the Atlanta Falcons, he was traded to the Green Bay Packers...for his college teammate Tony Smith (who? exactly?). Then he subbed in for the injured first string quaterback in 1992...and hasn't missed a game since...which is absolutely astonishing for a guy who touches the ball on every single play...and is therefore a target of very large men. Anyway, here are some possible definitions that could be used in passing conversation...and you'll be awesome for using this word.

1. Sturdy, dependable, consistent, strong, possibly eternal - The man has started every week in the NFL since I was in elementary school. Simply amazing longevity. Second place in the record books for consecutive starts at quarterback is Peyton Manning...and even he is about six years behind...and third place is about three years behind that. Use in a sentence: "You have a Favrish work ethic. Come rain, sleet or snow, I know that I can depend on you." or "The Great Wall of China is a Favrish example of architecture."

2. Ballsy, confident, leadership qualities in spades - Do you know of any other forty-year old man who lines up every Sunday to play against the best & strongest athletes in the world? Who knows that on any given play, he could suffer a hit that would turn his brittle bones into a fine powder? Yet he steps out there...and the entire team knows...that they can come back from any deficit with a leader like him at the helm...because he's done it time and time again...for about 20 years now...and he's still one of the best. He still throws bullet-speed passes with the best of them. Use in a sentence: "Major Tom is a Favrish leader. He has the experience & expertise necessary for this mission."

3. Undecided, flip-floppy, unpredictable - The man also can't seem to decide whether he wants to stay retired or not...and it's been highly publicized the past few years...but he's been on the borderline of retirement for about a decade now. He really just uses it to get out of training camp & unnecessary drills, which I can understand...but yeah, it's comical at times. He also has this magical ability to pull amazing plays out of his ass sometimes. You never know what you're going to get from this guy...who owns all the passing records...for yards & touchdowns...as well as interceptions by the other team. Use in a sentence: "I'm not liking your Favrish attitude. Do you want to go on this road trip or not?" or "The economy is completely Favrish. My investments fluctuate from day to day."

These are just a few examples...so you can see why my new favorite word might be confusing. Depending on the context, you could twist it to mean just about anything. It's like the new F-Word. Anyway, that's all I've got for today. I told you it would be a little more light-hearted than yesterday's rant. If you have any further questions, I'm more than happy to explain...or join me on any Saturday, Sunday, Monday and sometimes Thursday & I can do a private tutoring session with visual aids on the television. Or heck, I could just pull out Madden and show you on there if you prefer. Not as many beer commercials though. Now go out there & get your football on. Have a great day everybody!!!

Warning: I Use the C-Word a Few Times

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today started out pretty good. I was going to do a nice, merry little ditty about football...and try to explain some of the terminology...and my new favorite word...on top of all my usual ramblings...but apparently that wasn't to be. You see, I'm a pretty easy going guy. I typically don't wish harm on others...and on the rare occasion that I do, most would agree that it's warranted. Well, today I felt...I guess extreme anger wouldn't quite do it. More of like, a vengeance. I really want something bad to happen to somebody.

As you may have heard over the past...few years, my brother & his now ex-wife (horrible fucking CUNT that she is) have been "together" as a family. Basically what that means...is they've been living together...except for when she wants to randomly disappear for weeks at a time until she wants to play with her kids again, while my brother & mom take care of everything. That worked well for...about the first year of their marriage. Then apparently that wasn't dysfunctional enough...because my family's pretty easy going...and didn't kick her out on her ass like she would expect from her crack whore mother (rest her soul). Anyway, basically for the last year or so, my ex-sister-in-law has just done everything in her power to A) Leave my brother to raise her kids, which he willingly does; B) F**k with his heart strings in every possible way; C) Live off my mother or the United States government by lying to various welfare departments; D) Shed anything baring a resemblance to responsibility; and E) F**king with the heart strings of her children by disappearing for weeks on end, showing up about 20% of the time that she's arranged for visitation & IF she shows up...after AT MOST 1o hours, she'll call my brother (usually at work trying to support his children) and tell him that she can't handle being with them and that he or my mom needs to come and pick them up NOW. Which they are more than willing to do.

Earlier today, this whole clusterf**k was scheduled to be resolved. Over the last ten months, she has continued leeching off my family & my government under the guise that she was going to sign adoption papers so that my niece Kairi (of which my brother is not the biological father...but he has raised her since before she was born, which is more than that CUNT and her f**king meth dealer who impregnated her can say) would have a family that loves her & will be there for her, a stable & safe home, the greatest uncle on planet Earth and every advantage that a beautiful child like her should have...while allowing my sister-in-law to continue doing whatever the f**k she wants and visit the kids as she pleases (whenever the hell that is, usually around the holidays for a few hours) and we could all move on with our separate lives. However, that was not to be.

In the State of Utah, the mother has ABSOLUTE POWER, no matter how irresponsible & ill-fit a parent they might be, no matter the constant history of child neglect, substance abuse, past child abandonment or questionable character. It may not be written in such a manner...but I have yet to be proven wrong from that statement...and believe me, this is pretty much the extreme case. So everybody shows up to the courtroom today, including my niece Kairi. My brother didn't want to bring her...because honestly, she's not even three years old...and why should she or any other child should ever see the inside of a courtroom is beyond me. However, she was obviously the one who was to be adopted, so she came along.

Long story short, CUNT & her lawyer basically said, "Nevermind, I want her now" and got her they did. The police literally took my niece crying from my brother (who I'm sure was contemplating grabbing the pistol from his belt...but thankfully didn't act on impulse). So instead of being a glorious day in which everybody got what they wanted, that bitch broke my brother's heart again, has made my mother cry all f**king day, has wasted everybody's tax dollars & has caused me to question the entire f**king legal system...and wonder if we shouldn't all just be vigilantes & take whatever we want. I would love to say that I'm surprised at the outcome...but I've seen this too many times before in my life, so it was expected. My only hope was that maybe she'd do what she did with her first daughter Kelaudri...and basically say to the judge, "I'm a strung-out crack whore with no ambition, skills or sanity who shouldn't be allowed within 100 miles of any child. Her father is a great guy with a great family and I hereby give unto them full custody" and that would turn to the standard custody once she realized that she can get support checks though probably only seeing the kids for a few hours a month. That obviously didn't happen.

What now? Well, I hope & I pray that she has just decided to turn a new leaf...and will FINALLY be a decent mother to her kids. I hope that the possibility of being alone has changed her point of view and shown her that sacrifice & determination are essential parts of being a parent...and not just passing a baby through your abysmal vagina & leaving it for other to take care of while you play with your friends. GOD I pray that she wants to be a great parent & do something with her life other than flush it down the toilet...and raise her daughter to be just like her...as what happened with her mother. If that's the case, then maybe today is not a tragic day. Maybe this is the start of a new life for her...and everybody else...and I shouldn't worry that my amazing niece is under the supervision of somebody that I wouldn't entrust with my pet rock Sammie. I want her to be a decent parent so much now that it physically hurts me inside to think of her not being one.

Then again, I also really want Megan Fox...and gasoline to be under a buck a gallon...and sewer rat to taste like pumpkin pie...and Pandas to run free in herds...and world peace. However, in any of those cases, there are a LOT of steps from Point A to Point B...and a lot of unlikely things have to happen for that to come to fruition. In the meantime, my family is going to keep fighting...and despite their overwhelming evidence that supports their cause, they are at a SEVERE disadvantage because A) My brother is not the biological father; B) They were not married at the time that Kairi was born; and C) They live in the great state of Utah were the mother has absolute power. I'll be sure to keep you all posted...and I apologize for the dreary email full of colorful metaphors and adult language. I just...I'm the kind of guy where you can f**k with me all you want...but if you f**k with my family, I will end you. You made my mama cry...and my brother cry...and my dad & I never liked you anyway...but we put up with you for their sake. All I'm saying is that you'd better keep a straight & narrow path.

Again, I apologize everybody. I'm sure that tomorrow's entry will be a little more light-hearted. Why? Because I know that there's a special place in Hell for my ex-sister-in-law involving pineapples and power drills if she does any harm to my niece. Have a great night everybody!!!

Death by Snoo Snoo

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Great weekend. Lots of rain, lots of family time, good stuff. Saturday, I woke up in a pretty good mood...because it was raining heavily...and you know how I feel about that. No rain lightly drumming the roof to help ease me to sleep...but luckily there was a little wind too so that brushed a tree against my bedroom wall and I could still hear it a bit...and the car tires sloshing through it on their way home. So I awoke refreshed & renewed...and headed out to hang with my brother. He has been VERY lonely the past few weeks but I spent a few hours with him before he had to go to work, which was him playing video games mostly...but we also checked out a Halloween store for outfits for the kids. Nothing definite for them...but something great did come out of this trip.

We decided that if we ever decide to really rob a bank (I've told you that it's been a dream of ours for a while...but we're too easily identifiable in a lineup due to our height) that we would do it dressed as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Why? Why not? Think about it. Sure, the drive to the bank may be less than conspicuous...but think about it. Running up in there with green face paint (or a form-fitted mask), Kevlar vest shell, semi-automatic weapon in one hand...and a ninja weapon in the other, and you've already got the nicknames burned into your psyche. "Raph, get the cash. Mikey, you're on crowd control. Sixty seconds." Some of you may be saying, "$teve, why have the guns? You already have the superior ninja skills. Why cheapen the experience?" It's not my choice, believe me. However, people have been watching too many movies nowadays and want to be a hero...and there's more of a chance that somebody will want to be one if they only have a kitana blade or nunchakus to worry about...and it'll just save time...and I don't want to have to make an example out of anybody, I just want to get the money and ninja vanish with a smoke bomb. The banks are insured. I know I sound like an incredible humanitarian when I talk about robbing a bank...but hey, like I said, it's a big IF. Now that I've posted my plan on the internet, I'm sure that somebody else will think that's a swell idea, have the balls & weaponry to use it, and I'll be the first one that the FBI talks to. Oh well, thus is the life of a criminal mastermind. Just thought that I'd share that with you. "Where's Splinter with the f**king van?"

The rest of the day was spent with my mom, niece & nephew watching "Jungle Book" and it amazes me that they were both singing along (how's that for a segway? Bank robbery to Disney flicks). My niece Kairi was singing "Bear Necessities" & "Til I'm Grown" and even little Vinny (not even two) was singing "Military Style" which just blew my mind. My mom was telling me that I used to do the same thing as a kid with everything from the "Muppets Take Manhattan" to "Revenge of the Nerds" so...at least they're watching movies more appropriate for children then I was. That night, after the kids went to bed, I walked out of the house...in the rain and apparently a full moon with a few stars peeking through the clouds and nearly blinding moonlight. That's why I like to go to the Fortress of Solitude. Sure, talking to my mom is great...and the kids are usually up there...but sometimes I just need to get away from everything too. Stand out in an open area, listen to the wind & rain blow through the trees, glance over a valley completely lit by the soft glow of the moon, take in all the free beautiful things that the world has to offer...and just think my situation over. There are a LOT worse situations that I could be in.

The next day, I gave those kids a bath...and we had hella fun. Vinny kept standing up and jumping around...which I'm told is unsafe in a bathtub, so rather than let him find out the hard way, I just kept telling him to sit down. I wasn't going to let his first permanent scar be on my watch. "Dude, you watch my kids for fifteen minutes...and my son has a concussion & my daughter is traumatized from it?" "That's the thing with childcare, you get what you pay for, man." Those kids are hella cute...but I'm sure they'll outgrow it too soon. After that, I went to hang out with my brother again (because he had called me twice & left me three text messages in an hour wondering when I was coming down) and met up with him and went to watch some football at my buddy Isaiha's house. Good times. Then I drove home and slept like a baby. Like I said, not a bad weekend at all. Sure there wasn't any hot and heavy tales of lust involved (I decided to leave those dreams out of this episode) but hey, I got to sing Disney songs with two of the greatest little kids in the wide world. Now here's the news...

Best Place to Live - If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? French Riviera? New York City? Bora Bora? Rio de Janeiro? Well, that'll obviously depend on your personal situation...but luckily we also have a board at the United Nations that will help us decide the best places to live. And this year...Norway takes the number one spot in the annual United Nations human development index released Monday...but the People's Republic of China made the biggest strides in improving the well-being of its citizens. The index compiled by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) ranks 182 countries based on such criteria as life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product (GDP) per capita. Norway, Australia and Iceland took the first three spots while Niger (what did you just call me?) ranks at the very bottom, just below Afghanistan. China moved up seven places on the list to rank as the 92nd most developed country due to improvements in education as well as income levels and life expectancy. Colombia and Peru rose five spaces to rank 77th and 78th while France -- which was not part of the top 10 last year -- returns to the upper echelons by moving up three places to number 8. The UNDP said the index highlights the grave disparities between rich and poor countries. A child born in Niger can expect to live to just over 50, which is 30 years less than a child born in Norway. For every dollar a person earns in Niger, 85 dollars are earned in Norway. This year's index was based on data from 2007 and does not take into account the impact of the global economic crisis (yeah...because didn't Iceland go bankrupt?). "Many countries have experienced setbacks over recent decades, in the face of economic downturns, conflict-related crises and the HIV and AIDS epidemic," said the UN development report's author Jeni Klugman. "And this was even before the impact of the current global financial crisis was felt." Afghanistan, which returns to the list for the first time since 1996, is the only Asian country among the bottom ten which also include Sierra Leone in the 180th spot, just below the Central African Republic. The top ten countries listed on the index are: Norway, Australia, Iceland, Canada, Ireland, the Netherlands (AMSTERDAM!!!), Sweden, France, Switzerland and Japan. The United States ranks 13th, down one spot from last year.

Well, I'm proud to be the 13th greatest country to live in on Earth. The land of Elvis, Hollywood, bacon, Jack Daniels, all-you-can-eat buffets, Benjamin Franklin, grizzly bears, Starbucks, Hugh Hefner, credit cards, Rock & Roll, Batman, Twitter, Nat King Cole, crack, Chuck Norris, baseball, Bettie Page, Las Vegas, Levi jeans, Marilyn Monroe, Harley Davidson, pet rocks, professional wrestling, Rocky, Girls Gone Wild, monster trucks, Biggie Smalls, slap bracelets, Wal-Mart, FOOTBALL, Obama, Oprah, and ugh...Wonder Woman!!! (P.S. For some reason I wanted to sing "America, f**k yeah!!!" anybody else with me on that one?)

Anyway, that'll do it for today...but before I go, I want to hear your feedback. Best Country in the World...and the top three reasons why? Discuss.

My Country: United States of America
Reasons

• Diversity of Land - What do you want? Snow? Desert? Mountains? Skyscrapers? Wetlands? Corn as far as the eye can see? Pineapples? Pine trees? White sand beaches? Vineyards? We've got it...or your money back.


• Diversity of People - The Great Melting Pot of the World...and it's heated up by the ladies...


• Viewers Like You - Since the majority of my viewers are Americans...and I'm all about pandering...and that's why I may be President one day. ROCK, FLAG & EEEEAGLLLLLE!!!
  
  Have a great day everybody!!!

Nobody Pouts Into a Jiggy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've been chilly for the first time in six months...and I love it. Left the windows open all night...and apparently it dropped into the 30's. Glorious under the covers though. Does that make me a freak because I like the cool crisp smell & feel on my face...yet snug as a bug in a rug (as your mom might say) under the covers? I didn't think so. Yeah, not much to talk about with me about yesterday. Passport renewed, tuning up the car in the rain (just fluids & stuff), a few loads of laundry, making some wonderful grilled chicken nachos for lunch and chicken parmesan for dinner, watching some more "Dexter" & "Supernatural" and just relaxing. Not a bad way to spend a day off...but yeah, boring to you guys. My apologies. I'll try to work on that. My life seems to have its peaks & valleys when it comes to exciting adventures...but I think I'm about due for another one...which may be great...or frustrating (fingers crossed on another Day of Infamy). In the meantime, here's the news...

Olympics Go Full Brazilian - Well, Rio de Janeiro is going to host the 2016 Summer Olympic Games...and I think it's awesome. I love to root root root for the home team...but I hadn't been to any of the four cities in the final bid for the Olympics...so I based my views purely on speculation of what could be. I was pretty sure that Chicago wasn't going to get it because...well, I'm sure it's a great town and I can't wait to visit it...but the world pretty much hates the United States...and Kanye West...so that's two strikes going against the Windy City from the get-go. That's why I think they were axed in the first round. Next city to be kicked off the island was Tokyo...and I was really excited about the possibility of Tokyo hosting the Olympics. I mean...think about the opening ceremonies being FULLY ROBOTIC!!! It would've been a technological marvel of the world...but then again, you'd have people stacked on people & a bunch of crazy sh*t like square watermelons and it would distract from the sports, I would think. I think the only reason that Madrid lasted to first runner-up was because a former IOC chairman basically begged for them to be considered...and because all of this is political anyway (there I said it) then arguably the second coolest city in Spain (behind Barcelona, who hosted 1992 of course) was rated the second coolest in the world. So then that leaves us with Rio de Janeiro, the crown jewel of South America...and I'm really excited because it's the first time the games have gone to South America...and it's a beautiful city...full of beautiful people (perhaps the Victoria's Secret supermodels were involved to sway their decisions) and there's a rich sports history in the country. The world LOVES soccer...and this is the land of Pele...and Ronaldo...and Ronaldhino...and Nene (basketball) and a bunch of other one-named athletes. The only downside that I can see...is that this was a once-affordable dream destination...and now the Olympics might destroy that and make everything incredibly expensive...so hurry and book your fairly-inexpensive vacations while you still can. Or perhaps after the Olympics you may be able to afford to visit for Carnivale (opening ceremonies should be amazing) since some host cities of the Olympics seem to have a MAJOR drop-off in tourism revenue...like maybe that own city that hosted the 2002 Winter Olympics...so I've heard. Anyway, congratulations Rio!!! Continue dancing in the sand & I hope to meet you very soon.

Dinosaur Updates - About 125 million years ago a tiny version of Tyrannosaurus rex roamed what is now northeastern China. Tiny, that is, by T-Rex standards. You still wouldn't want to meet it face to face. Described by paleontologist Paul Sereno as "punk size," this early predator would have weighed about 150 pounds. It just seems small compared to the giant T. rex that evolved millions of years later and was as much as 100 times more massive. "It really is the blueprint for the later (T-Rex) dinosaurs," Sereno said, "it was a blueprint that was scalable." Described for the first time in Thursday's ScienceExpress, the online edition of the journal Science, the new dinosaur has been named Raptorex kriegsteini ("King War Stone Bird"? I'm not joking either, that's really what it mean I think...but there's more on that). Sereno reports that Raptorex has all the hallmarks of T-Rex, including a large head, tiny arms and lanky feet — just in a smaller size. "What we're looking at is a blueprint for a fast-running set of jaws," Sereno said at a briefing arranged by the American Association for the Advancement of Science. The giant T-Rex dominated much of the planet from about 90 million years ago until the great extinction 65 million years ago. Raptorex would have stood a lanky 9 feet tall, said Sereno, of the University of Chicago and also a National Geographic explorer in residence. The newly described remains were found by fossil hunters in northern China, smuggled out of that country and offered for sale to collector Henry Kriegstein of Higham, Mass., Sereno said. Kriegstein, for whom the animal is now named (makes some sense now), donated the materials to science and they will be returned to China. The fossil was encased in a single block of stone (hmm, the name really does fit a bit). That stone allowed the researchers to trace the find to its original location. So there were mini-me's of T-Rexes in China back in the day. Mildly interesting...but then it gets really interesting with regards to T-Rexes and the mass extinction...

Dinosaur Bird Flu? - The famous dinosaur known as Sue - the largest, most complete and best preserved T-Rex specimen ever found - might have been killed by a disease that afflicts birds even today, scientists now suggest. The remains of Sue, a star attraction of the Field Museum in Chicago, possess holes in her jaw that some believed were battle scars, the result of bloody combat with another dinosaur, possibly another T-Rex. Now researchers suggest these scars did not result from a clash of titans, but rather from a lowly parasite. The infection in Sue's throat and mouth may have been so severe that the 42-foot-long, 7-ton dinosaur starved to death. The ailment the scientists propose felled Sue and other T-Rexes is trichomonosis. In birds, the disease is caused by Trichomonas gallinae, a single-celled protozoan. Although some birds, such as pigeons, commonly host the parasite but suffer few ill effects, in birds of prey (meat eaters? coincidence?) such as falcons and hawks, the germ causes a pattern of serious lesions in the lower beak that closely matches the holes in the jaws of Sue and occurs in the same anatomical location. "It's ironic to think that an animal as mighty as 'Sue' probably died as a result of a parasitic infection. I'll never look at a feral pigeon the same way again," said researcher Steven Salisbury at the University of Queensland in Australia. The researchers investigated the jaws of Sue and 60 other tyrannosaur specimens. Nearly 15% of them possessed lesions that had previously been attributed to bite wounds or, possibly, a bacterial infection. These holes were roughly 0.2 to more than 1 inch wide (0.5 to more than 2.5 cm), extending through roughly a half-inch (1 cm) of bone. As a former teacher of mine would have said, "What does a bird disease have to do with dinosaurs? They're reptiles, right?" Well...yeah that's kind of up for debate too...

Four-winged Dinosaurs Now? - Chinese researchers have unearthed the fossil of a bird-like dinosaur with four wings in northeastern China, which they suggest is a missing link in dinosaurs' evolution into birds. In a paper in the journal Nature, they said they found the well-preserved fossil of the "Anchiornis huxleyi," which roamed the earth some 160 million years ago, in a geological formation in China's northeastern Liaoning province. About the size of a chicken, the fossil has a total body length of less than 50cm (20 inches) and a skull about 6cm long, lead researcher Xing Xu at the Chinese Academy of Science in Beijing told Reuters in an email. "This finding suggests that birds are likely to be descended from a kind of small-sized four-winged dinosaur about 160 million years ago. It is a link between more typical theropods (dinosaurs which moved around with two rear limbs) and birds. It lived around a time period ... that we expected for birds' ancestor." In a statement, the researchers said: "Long feathers cover the arms and tail, but also the feet, suggesting that a four-winged stage may have existed in the transition to birds." The transition from dinosaurs to birds is still poorly understood because of the lack of well-preserved fossils, and many scientists say bird-like dinosaurs appear too late in the fossil record to be the true ancestors of birds. The Chinese researchers believe the fossil is the oldest bird-like dinosaur reported so far, and older than Archaeopteryx, the earliest known bird. "The presence of such a species at this time in the fossil record effectively disputes the argument that bird-like dinosaurs appeared too late to be the ancestors of birds," they wrote. I'll take it one step further. I don't know of any birds with four wings...so I'm gonna say that it's a step between dinosaurs...and birds...and dragonflies. There you go scientists. Work with that. A lot of crazy stuff is being found in China with regards to dinosaurs and missing links...and me being a bit of a dino geek, I love it. Evolution is an amazing thing (sorry Kansas Board of Education...but it is) and it's incredible to think of how over the course of say 100 million years that species can evolve. I mean...humans have evolved tremendous amounts in less than a million or whatever the going theory is. Perhaps in a few million more, we'll be the size of T-Rexes...with wings...and fish gills...like some kind of dragon drawn by Tim Burton or something. Only (lots of) time will tell. Anyway, that's your Dino Update for the next little while.

Cannonball!!! - Yes, this story was cleverly positioned within seconds of reading about human evolution. A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report shows 21-year-old Robert Stark Higgins was charged with burglary to an occupied dwelling, disorderly conduct and misdemeanor theft. The resident told deputies he heard Higgins crash through the screen of his pool and take a splash Saturday night. Authorities said Higgins took a towel and fled. Deputies used a K-9 to track Higgins to a home (they apparently couldn't pick up the smell on their own when mixed with the chlorine). Higgins told deputies he had been drinking (Nooooooo, really?). He was being held at the Martin County Jail on $10,500 bail. Jail officials said he did not immediately have an attorney. Human evolution at its best...but perhaps there's more to the story than we know. Sure, he was drinking...but where did all the feces come from? Perhaps we need to analyze the fecal remnants from the pool (trust me, there'll be at least a ring around the tub) to find out the source...and then...oh my gosh. Why must I turn everything involving poop into a damn mystery? Okay, so I do it with just about everything...but specifically with pooh. Why? Am I that hard up for a good caper? Maybe a septic tank overflowed and he stumbled into it on his way home and that was the closest pool that he knew of. Maybe an airplane accidentally released its cargo over a residential area. Maybe his pig waste silo malfunctioned in a Homer Simpson style blunder. Who knows? More importantly, who besides me really cares? "Excuse me miss, I just need to ask you a few questions about the break-in the other night." "Who are you?" "$teve Love, PPI. Now from what the police report says, the suspect Mister Higgins, around 12:15 AM..." "Wait, PPI? Like a private investigator?" "Private Poopy Investigator. Now the report says that he entered through the gate on the north side of...if you don't mind my asking, what's so goddamn funny? A man's life may be at stake." "It's just...poop? Really? Is this some kind of joke?" "A joke? Do you think Justice is a joke ma'am? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING? JUST PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!!! Now...what kind of lock was on the north entrance?"

Britain Calls on the Governator For Help - You thought I was mad when I told you that Arnie would be President by 2012. Well perhaps my prediction wasn't even close...as now it seems that the World is calling on his help...in what may be a precursor to a future bid for President of the Earth. A British government minister asked California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Wednesday to shut down a U.S. website that allows men to rate prostitutes, including many working in London. Harriet Harman, minister for women and equality, told the ruling Labour Party's annual conference that "Punternet" (yes Lilie, PUNTernet) fuels the demand for prostitution -- a vice she said degrades women and puts them at risk. She said the website was a "very sinister development" in the trade and exploitation of women and allows guests to compare and rate services in the same way as they would a restaurant, a hotel or a holiday (now what I'm checking out when I get home). Pimps put women on sale for sex on the site then clients offered their comments on line, she said. "Punternet has pages and pages of women for sale in London," said Harman, who is deputy leader of Prime Minister Gordon Brown's Labour Party. She said she had raised the issue with the U.S. ambassador to Britain and asked California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to close it down as it is based in that state. "Surely it can't be too difficult for 'The Terminator' to terminate Punternet and that's what I am demanding that he does." Hmm, that's ballsy to be demanding of Arnold...but hey. The Punternet site describes itself as "The Online Community for Patrons and Providers of Adult Personal Services in the UK" and says it was "created to facilitate the exchange of information on prostitution in the UK." A U.S. Embassy spokesman could not immediately be reached for comment. Prostitution is not illegal in Britain...but associated activities, including soliciting, advertising using cards in telephone boxes and curb crawling, are criminal offenses. The minister also used the speech to say the government would make it a criminal offence to have sex with a prostitute who is being controlled by a pimp (So freelance only? That could be dangerous.). The government was also stepping up action to tackle human trafficking in the run up to the 2012 Olympic Games, most of which will be hosted in London. "We're determined to ensure that, especially in the run-up to the Olympics, international criminal gangs don't trick and abduct women from abroad and sell them for sex in London." Okay, the cause is noble. Sure, prostitution is the oldest profession and in these economic times who am I to try and deprive these women of a source of income...but human trafficking & forced prostitution, not cool at all. Chemical castration comes to mind when I think of that. However, if I'm looking to make a purchase of...well, anything. I'd like to have a few commentaries of satisfied customers & those who felt they were ripped off. Whether it's for a television set, a hotel stay or temporary companionship. What am I gonna do? Ask her pimp? "Best f**k in town." "Really? Can I see some kind of certificate or money back guarantee?" "How about this? If you ask for your money-back, I guarantee I'll f**k you up." "Hmm, I think I'm going to shop around, Pepper Jack. Thank you for your time." It's not like you can ask for the Carfax or anything...so they provide a service...and for a legal operation. I fail to see the problem with that. However, there is one problem in all this. Why are they asking the Governator to do it for them? And honestly, I don't care if he does it to me even...but I want to see him snap on somebody who brings up his acting career in a political format. "Leesen you moron. It was a falking moovie. I am a MAN. I have my own mind. I am not some robot sent from da foooture. In fact, it's quite rideeculous that I haave to tell you that. IT'S A MOOVIE!!! AAAAaaarrraaagh..." and that would be awesome. Alas, we'll just have to wait until he starts campaigning in about a year on the Republican ticket. Let's face it. He's pretty much the most respectable candidate in the party...and that's saying a lot for a womanizing, Hitler-admiring bodybuilder-turned-action movie star who married into the Kennedys and hasn't looked back. That being said, I'd REALLY like to see him & Obama get into a debate. And my imagination wanders...

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Tomorrow I'm heading to the Fortress of Solitude to hang with my mom & my niece & nephew so that should be fun & relaxing, right? We shall see. Also, being my brother's only friend, he's been bugging me to "hang out" which basically means watching him play video games while I'm bored out of my f**king mind. Have a great weekend everybody!!!