BALL SO HARD!!! That sh*t cra...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Busy week at work as usual… and occasionally I’ve been able to find a little levity. Oh, there was one little incident I should probably share that was quite awkward. I was at work & looking for something when a manager motioned to me to go into my office to chat. Instantly I thought “Uh oh, did I do something wrong?” She looked at me straight forward and said… and I quote… “You have a gaping hole in the back of your pants.” I kinda laughed a second… and then noticed that she wasn’t laughing. “What?” I start looking & feeling around, probably looking like a ferret was in my pants. “Where?” “It’s right along the… hem of your pants.” I swear she wanted to say “crack of you’re a$$” but she’s far too lady like in that setting. Yeah, apparently there was about a 4-6 inch “gaping hole” in the hem of my crotch… at work… with no change of clothing. Luckily I knew of a seamstress in the office… but basically had to hang out in the men’s room for about 10-15 minutes while they were fixed. Good times, right? Better a boss to find out than a client, right?

So I’ve gotten around to playing “Assassin's Creed II” which my brother bought me for Xmas… and it’s pretty sweet. I REALLY like maps that you get to navigate through. For those who have never played, it’s basically the tale of somebody basically reliving ancestral memories during Renaissance Italy using a super computer or something. (Not sure on the details, but just go with it). So you’re an Italian noble… and there’s revolution… and betrayal… and you’re on a path of vengeance to avenge the murder of your father & brothers… and it’s beautiful set in the cities of Florence, Rome and some Tuscan villas. It’s a pretty cool game with a lot of variety & smooth mapping. I highly recommend it… and I think I’m only like a third of the way through it… maybe, I have no idea… but it rocks.

Thursday night, I went to Yoshi's with Dizzy to enjoy some fine Japanese cuisine (and bacon wrapped lobster tail) as well as the musical stylings of The Motet... who specialize in funky covers of Grateful Dead & Pink Floyd songs... but tonight it was just the Dead... and it rocked. I highly recommend taking advantage of any opportunity to hear them live... as well as purchase their CDs for $1. That's right... an entire CD... for ONE DOLLAR!!! I've got mine. Here's some news...

Carla Bruni Update - Just in time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, a French mayor's plan to erect a statue of President Nicolas Sarkozy's former supermodel wife Carla Bruni in worker's attire has angered the opposition and embarrassed the first lady. Jacques Martin, the mayor of Nogent-sur-Marne to the east of Paris and member of Sarkozy's UMP party, commissioned the statue to honor the mostly Italian immigrant women who used to work at a feather factory in the town (why am I thinking about French maids chasing each other all of a sudden?). But when French daily Le Parisien on Sunday revealed the plan for the statue more than two metres (six-and-a-half feet) tall, at a cost of over 80,000 Euros, the opposition and even the first lady's friends were up in arms. A source close to Bruni-Sarkozy said she agreed to model for sculptor Elisabeth Cibot as she admires her work, but that "it was never suggested that her name would appear." Modelling "is her former job, she no longer does it commercially, but she's often asked to do it, and she often agrees, and always without being paid," the source said… possibly chuckling a little bit. But the swiftly gathering scandal "is using something that has nothing to do with politics to political ends," one of her friends said, requesting anonymity & another glass of champagne. William Geib of the Socialist opposition said the idea of dressing up a likeness of the Italian heiress and pop singer as a worker was "grotesque." "It's an insult to the Italian feather workers, to give them the face of an extremely rich person. I have nothing against Carla Bruni-Sarkozy but she does not represent the workers' world." Michel Gilles, a local member of the right-wing opposition, slammed what he said was a "political coup" ahead of the April-May two-round presidential election, which opinion polls say right-wing leader Sarkozy is likely to lose (but may make a comeback in the second round?). Martin said he voted in favor of the statue at a council meeting last year. "But it was never mentioned that it would have Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's features," Gilles said. The statue is reportedly costing 82,000 Euros (about $108,000), of which the town hall is paying half, and exactly what it will look like is being kept top secret. Look, I don’t get it… I feel like it’s all political BS as usual. Why? Let’s say you want to make a statue about… a cowboy, to commemorate the old west in some sh*t town in Wyoming. The artist is looking for a model… and in lieu of paying someone, they get an offer to model for free from someone who’s exactly what they’re looking for… like Brad Pitt in his Thelma & Louise attire. It’s exactly what they’re looking for & pro bono. Done. No controversy. Wanna know why everybody is in financial crisis & angry? Because politicians focus on stupid sh*t like this instead of getting to solutions for the world’s problems. Besides, she’s no Julie Newmar… but Carla Bruni is still, in a word, statuesque! (That’s right, it’s a “To Wong Foo” reference, deal with it)

Napoleon's 'Gac - A Dutch antique trader is selling his collection of over 5,000 unopened bottles of Cognac and other liquors, which he claims is the biggest of its kind. The most precious bottle in Bay van der Bunt's collection (which is valued at 6 million Euros or about $8 million) dates back to 1795 and was a Cognac taken by Napoleon's army on campaign for the officers. Van der Bunt estimates that bottle is worth between 100,000 and 150,000 Euros. However, anyone interested in that particular bottle may be disappointed: he does not want to sell his bottles one by one, but would prefer to sell the entire collection, which was started by his great grandfather in 1880, to a single buyer by the end of this year (Everything must go! It’s a full literal liquidation sale!). "We are aiming at a wealthy Russian or Chinese buyer, because we think people from these countries are willing to spend their money on this," said Bart Laming, who is handling the publicity for the sale. Van der Bunt wants to sell his collection to someone with a passion for liquor, but also wants a buyer who is prepared to keep the bottles unopened rather than savoring their contents. "In this respect we certainly are afraid that a potential buyer would empty some of them. We will screen potential buyers to minimize that risk". So to make sure I got this straight… he wants somebody to pay several million dollars for a bunch of booze… but not distribute them or get high on their own supply? Basically he wants to be paid ludicrous amounts of money for somebody else to hold onto his booze instead of paying for storage? Good luck with that homey. And I raise my glass! (sip of Courvoisier)

Tongan Branding - A luger from the south Pacific island of Tonga caused a stir at the world championships in Altenberg last week. No, not for his unusual choice of sport or the surprising fact that there are actually lugers in the south Pacific… but for his name, which he had changed to that of his sponsor. Bruno Banani was born Fuahea Semi but changed his name to that of a German underwear maker as he seeks to become his nation's first winter Olympian at the 2014 Games in Sochi, Russia. His move angered International Olympic Committee Vice President Thomas Bach, who called it a "perverse marketing idea." Really? THAT is perverse marketing… and you’re VP for the Olympic committee? I suggest you move out of your glass house into an apartment made out of straw before you start throwing comments like that out. "It is of bad taste to change your name to that of a sponsor. That is too much for me. This has nothing to do with proper marketing," Bach said. However, Bach did go on to say that should the Tongan qualify for the Sochi Games there would be nothing the IOC could do to stop him from competing under that name. "I do not think that we can react to this if that is the name in his passport," Bach said. The IOC is extremely sensitive to ambush marketing tactics during Olympic Games as it seeks to protect its sponsors who have paid hundreds of millions for the rights to advertise (BINGO!!!). Earlier a Tonga official told reporters the move was to raise money as the country seeks to send their first athlete to the Winter Games. As a marketing degree holder, I like it. Why not? If Chad Johnson can change his name to Ochocinco & be as stupid as he wants to be... for free… than I think that Michael Phelps can change his name to Subway Torpedo if the price is right. If boxers can wear advertisements for casino while they bludgeon a man to death in the ring, then who can stop the ring announcer from proclaiming the new WBC welterweight champion Taco Bell-Grande? (Surprise twist: The new champion is Welsh. Now who’s being racist?) If in a joint venture with several companies I want to change my name to $5 Footlong Banana Republic, then
that’s between me & my sponsors. By the way, not sure why I’ve got Subway on the brain… but it’s probably due to a marketing ploy. Play on Bruno! Good luck against Calvin Klein!

Rapunzel Number - Scientists said on Friday that a "Rapunzel Number" may have helped them to crack a problem that has perplexed humanity since Leonardo da Vinci pondered it 500 years ago. Scientists from the University of Cambridge and the University of Warwick said they had devised a "Ponytail Shape Equation", which when calculated using the Rapunzel Number and a measure of the curliness of hair can be used to predict the shape of any ponytail. Cambridge's Professor Raymond Goldstein told Reuters that he and his colleagues took account of the stiffness of individual hairs, the effects of gravity and the average waviness of human hair to come up with their formula. The Rapunzel Number provides a key ratio needed to calculate the effects of gravity on hair relative to its length. "That determines whether the ponytail looks like a fan or whether it arcs over and becomes nearly vertical at the bottom," Goldstein said in a telephone interview. The research also took into account how a bundle of hair is swelled by the outward pressure which arises from collisions between the component hairs. That’s right. Scientists studied the hell out of this… and even da Vinci wondered about it (probably during his ancient years). Why? Scientists said the work has implications for understanding the structure of materials made up of random fibers, such as wool and fur and will have resonance with the computer graphics and animation industry, where the representation of hair has been a challenging problem. So yes, to make your favorite Pixar flicks all the more believable. "Our findings extend some central paradigms in statistical physics and show how they can be used to solve a problem that has puzzled scientists and artists ever since Leonardo da Vinci remarked on the fluid-like streamlines of hair in his notebooks 500 years ago," Goldstein said. The research was conducted by Goldstein, Professor Robin Ball from the University of Warwick and their colleagues. It will be presented to the American Physical Society in Boston on February 28. So… yeah… nothing really to say about this. Just thought it was… interesting. Scientists are studying your ponytails ladies (and hippies).

Well, that'll do it for today. So little time to do these things... and I'm still figuring out my new laptop. So much faster but... trust me 'puter, I know what I'm doing. Just let me do it. I don't need your help. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

I'm A Peacock... and I Need to Fly

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty fun. So… I did go to Reno on Saturday, with every intention of getting in a HUGE tomato fight. However, despite information sent to me saying that this event was on Saturday, the event was actually to take place on Sunday around 3 PM. I found this out while wandering about downtown Reno at the street festival, and in all honesty, not a bad place to wander around at daytime. Here are some pictures of the “River District” during the day… and here’s a link to some night pictures from before…

So instead of a food fight, I went to see “The Other Guys” starring Marky Mark & Will Ferrell. For those who haven’t seen the preview, this movie is from the guys who brought you classics like “Old School” and it’s about being New York City cops. Some guys get all the glory, while other guys do the paperwork & investigation behind the scenes. Well, when two of the NYPD’s best suffer fairly hilarious deaths (Samuel L Jackson & the Rock… and yes I still call him the Rock for the same reason that I call Mark Wahlberg Marky Mark or Calvin Broadus Snoop D-O-double gizzle, if I meet the gentlemen & they wish it so, I’ll change my ways) then it’s up to two other cops to take over (Wahlberg & Ferrell). Now, this movie was hilarious throughout as you might expect. Marky Mark is his usual hilarious bad boy, Will Ferrell is comic genius (as he often is), Eva Mendes is too hot for TV, even Steve Coogan (“Hamlet 2”) does a pretty good job as the straight-faced sarcastic British swindler. I don’t want to give anything away… but Dr Love & Gator think you should go check this movie out.

Sunday, I went to a birthday / going away party for a few coworkers… and was basically there from 11 AM to about 10:30 PM drinking beer, eating burgers & deviled eggs, jamming with musicians, and having a fantastic time. My roommate went with me… and he even stayed longer than I did (had work in the morning & it was stumbling distance back to the apartment). The weekend was kinda cold & gloomy, which was bound to happen because it’s been pretty much perfect since Memorial Day Weekend but yeah, yesterday was coat weather… and we got some snow in the mountains… and yes, it’s late August and there was healthy amounts of frost on Gretchen this morning. It should warm up later into the week, which is awesome… because Bubbles is going to come visit this next weekend for a night while she picks up her car & Brutis in SLC and drives them to her new home in San Fran. It’s about time that she comes to check this place out… but yeah, really looking forward to showing this place off again. Anyway, here’s the news…

Hottest First Lady Update – You know, I like to give people the benefit of a doubt from time to time. I’m a pretty easy going guy. I hear about places like Iran and how they treat people and say it’s how their god tells them to live… and I think, “Okay, you’ve got your ways, we have ours and we’ll just agree to disagree” or something like that. You make threats against other nations during your political speeches, and I kinda see that like Obama saying something during his political speech. I don’t expect it to ever come true… because you’re playing to your crowd. I get it. However, when you start talking about world leader’s wives and/or mamas, that’s where I draw the line. On that note, Iranian state media called France’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, a "prostitute" on Monday in an unusual attack on the wife of a world leader that shows deep anger over her support for an Iranian woman who faced death by stoning on an adultery conviction (seen here). The wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy has condemned the stoning sentence against Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, which Iran temporarily suspended but did not throw out after an international outcry. Ashtiani, a 43-year-old mother of two, could still face execution by stoning or hanging after a final review of her case, her lawyer, Javid Houtan Kian, told The Associated Press Monday. The Kayhan newspaper, whose editor is a representative of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, described Bruni-Sarkozy as a "prostitute" on Saturday in an article headlined "French prostitutes enter the human rights uproar." Oh yes, he did. The state-owned news website inn.ir carried similar remarks on Monday. "Although Bruni, the morally corrupt singer and actress of Italian (origin), was able to break the Sarkozy family and marry the French president, lately new reports have emerged about her affair with a singer," said the weekend report in Kayhan. That appeared to be a reference to rumors of infidelity in her marriage that Bruni-Sarkozy dismissed in April as "insignificant." The rumors have since died down. The French president's office declined Monday to comment on the remarks in Iranian media. The media attack was in response to an open letter Bruni-Sarkozy wrote to Ashtiani that was printed in several French news outlets last week. "How to remain silent after learning of the sentence against you?" Bruni-Sarkozy wrote, adding that the stoning would "deeply wound all women, all children, all those who have feelings of humanity." "Deep within your jail cell, know that my husband will plead your cause tirelessly and that France will not abandon you," she wrote. Ashtiani was convicted in May 2006 of having an "illicit relationship" with two men after the murder of her husband and was sentenced to 99 lashes. Later that year, she was convicted of adultery and sentenced to be stoned, even though she retracted a confession she claims was made under duress. Iran last month stayed her stoning, but authorities now say she has also been convicted of being an accomplice in her husband's murder. In a purported confession aired on state TV early this month, Ashtiani admits to unwittingly playing a role in the 2005 killing. She could also face a separate death sentence in that case. Her lawyer denies Ashtiani was ever charged with murder or brought to trial in her husband's killing. Protesters in cities across the globe have denounced the stoning sentence. About 300 people from rights organizations demonstrated in Paris Saturday to urge Iran to lift her death sentence. "The stoning verdict has only been delayed, not halted," Kian, Ashtiani's lawyer, said in a telephone interview Monday. The woman's previous lawyer, who brought the case to the world's attention in his blog, fled the country and received asylum in Norway after Iranian authorities began to pressure him and his family. Kian said he, too, was coming under pressure. He said authorities broke into his home Sunday. "Intelligence agents beat the guard of the residential complex where I live and broke into my home in my absence. They took my computer, which contained the files of my clients, including Ashtiani." Kian said authorities have stopped him and Ashtiani's two children from meeting her ever since her purported confession. "Authorities say I'm banned from meeting my client. And they have told Ashtiani's two children that their mother didn't want to see them.” That’s it. Call the world’s hottest first lady a “prostitute” and then keep a mama from her babies? NUKE EM!!! Too bold? Maybe a bit of an overreaction? Again, you’re entitled to your opinion… and I respect that. Perhaps turning the Kingdom of Iran into a giant piece of glass may not be the most diplomatic solution… but at the very least we can turn this into a game of “Yo Mama” or something. “Yo mama’s so stupid that when she heard a woman was getting stoned to death for allegedly getting her freak on, she brought her hookah.” Okay, it’s not the best… but that’s why we have speech writers for Obama. “Your mother… is so old… that her birth certificate… says that she was born… in Mesopotamia.” Come on, that’s historically hysterical, you gotta give me that… and I love the image of Obama resorting to childish name-calling like everybody else in politics. It’d be sweet… and sad at the same time.

Bellucci Update – Speaking of French superhotties, husband-and-wife acting team Vincent Cassel (“Brotherhood of the Wolf”) and Monica Bellucci (“Shoot Em Up”) are teaming up for a ninth film together according to Cassel. In an interview with USA Today via The Playlist, the actor revealed that he would produce and star alongside his wife in a romantic comedy set during Carnival Rio de Janeiro (how can we make this sexier? Hmm…). The last time pair acted with each other onscreen was "Secret Agents" in 2004. Shooting is scheduled to take place sometime in 2012. Yeah, that’s all. It gives me an excuse to put up a picture of Monica Bellucci’s gorgeous Fritalian figure. Don’t judge me. I’m just spreading the knowledge.

German Hangover – Most people feel pretty tough when they’ve had a few to drink. Hell, the Irish base their whole culture upon it. I’m pretty sure they elect officials by rounds of shots until a winner is crowned. However, you may have to rethink how amazingly awesomely bad-ass you are while under the influence from now on. Why? A Polish man living in Germany (a little ballsy right there, he’s probably Jewish too) went about his business for about five years without noticing he had been shot in the head… because like all good stories, he was drunk when it happened. Police in the western city of Bochum said on Tuesday doctors found a .22 caliber bullet in the back of his head after the 35-year-old went to have what he thought was a cyst removed. Presented with the 5.6mm projectile, the man recalled he had received a blow to the head around midnight at a New Year's party "in 2004 or 2005," but had forgotten about it because he had been "very drunk," a police spokesman said. "He told us he remembered having a sore head, but that he wasn't really one for going to the doctor," the spokesman said. Repeat: The man was shot in the head… but didn’t think he should go to a doctor… because hospitals are apparently for Nancies. The wound later healed around the bullet and it was not until the man decided to have the lump examined due to recurring pains that the discovery was made. Police said they were not treating the incident as suspicious as the bullet might have got lodged in the man's head when a reveler fired a gun in celebration (“NEW YEAR’S POP!!!”). "It may have been a shot fired up in the air which entered his head on the way down," the spokesman said. The resident of Herne, who has lived in Germany for several years, was expected to be released from hospital later this week after the bullet was removed on Friday, police said. Still think you’re hot sh*t in a champagne glass? I thought so…

Do Not Read Hungry - In the remote Serbian mountain village of Ozrem, they're cooking up delicacies to make your mouth water… or your stomach churn. At the seventh annual World Testicle Cooking Championship, visitors watch (and sometimes taste) as teams of chefs cook up bull, boar, camel, ostrich and even kangaroo testicles. "This festival is all about fun, food and bravery," said Ljubomir Erovic, the Serbian chef and testicles gourmand specialist (not the greatest title ever) who organizes the bizarre cooking festival and has published a testicle cookery book (entitled “Hors d’ouevres for Your Balls”?). The food — politely called "white kidneys" in Serbian — is believed to be rich in testosterone. In the Balkans, it is considered to help men's libido (probably because the secret ingredient… is a man’s libido). "The bulls' testicles are the best, goulash style," said last year's winner Zoltan Levai, stirring a metal pot heated by a wood fire and filled with vegetables and large testicles that he said were provided from a state-run slaughter house (I’m guessing without consent from the owners). The festival included dishes like testicle pizza and testicles in béchamel sauce flavored with a variety of herbs found in the region. Visitors eat the dishes with plenty of wine or beer (of course), and cool themselves in a small mountain river that flows beside the makeshift cooking stands blasting folk music. The stalls also sell roasted pig or lamb, "as a side dish". "I came here last year, and decided to come back," said Anna Wexler, an Israeli citizen originally from New York who's now a member of the festival's jury & obviously loves the taste of testicles in her mouth. "It was delicious. There was testicle moussaka, goulash, stallion, boar, bull and many other things." The festival also gives prizes to those who have made the news for being "ballsy". This year one of the unsuspecting winners is U.S. President Barack Obama (without even having to talk about Iranian mothers yet). "He's the bravest man in the world," said Erovic. "Obama took over the world at the most difficult economic and political times. He showed he has balls." The other prize went to American pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger who last year glided a passenger jet into the Hudson River in New York rather than risk crashing in a densely populated area trying to reach an airport. I really like this festival. I’m an adventurous eater (as you may have heard me talk about China before). Would I try some of the delicacies at this festival? Exactly how much beer & wine is readily available? Besides, it’s all about the sauces and how it’s prepared. Escargots is f**king snails in garlic sauce… and that’s delicious. For some reason I don’t see this being featured on the Food Network… but I could definitely see it as an episode of Man vs. Food. “Today’s challenge is what the locals call ‘white kidney beans’ and all I have to do is eat a dozen of these things in 30 minutes or less. I’m a little skeptical though… because these things don’t look like beans… more like matzaballs or something… but I’m told they’re this town’s specialty.” Fast forward a few minutes later, “Hmm, these have an interesting texture and flavor to them. What kind of sauce are these marinated in? It’s like a… salty cream sauce.” “Is called… man-aisse.” “I’m thinking the meat is some kind of beef but… wait, did you say… HOOOOAH!!!” And this is where the show turns into Jackass 3D… coming this fall.

This Week in Yayo – Speak of white substance found in meaty packages, a Massachusetts man was arrested after a kilogram of cocaine hidden inside a hollowed-out chunk of bologna was delivered to his home. Holyoke police said they were tipped off by postal inspectors in Puerto Rico who had been investigating similar shipments (“This bologne’s f**king AWESOME!!!”). A dog confirmed the presence of drugs and the bologna was cut open. The meat was then repackaged and an undercover postal inspector delivered it to a Holyoke address at about 4:45 p.m. Thursday. A woman sitting on the front steps signed for it. Police then executed a search warrant and arrested a 30-year-old man on a cocaine trafficking charge. Police said the cocaine had a street value of $100,000. The investigation is ongoing. I can kind of see the logic in shipping cocaine in meat… because the dogs will allegedly bark at it anyway… but that’s not true. The dogs are trained to bark at the presence of drugs only. How do I know this? My dad was a K-9 cop when I was growing up. Just FYI. Those drug smugglers aren’t dummies though. They’re getting craftier everyday.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you got that awful taste out of your mouth from earlier. This week should be pretty laid back, though I may be going to the Great Western Rib Cook-Off Thursday night, and Bubbles is visiting this weekend, so that should be awesome… and then the following weekend, I make my triumphant return to the homeland of Slick City to be amongst my kin and recharge my batteries a bit. Watched “Forrest Gump” this past weekend… and it’s truly one of my favorite movies ever. I can’t tell you how many times I think I’m just an extremely slow-witted man just kind of drifting through what the world throws at me… but I’m lucky enough to be around people that I love and meet new interesting characters along the way. Thank you all so much for being awesome!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

Watch Out Pujols!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First things first (chronologically), I had the game of my life in softball Tuesday night. As usual, we spotted the other team a 15-0 lead after two innings (have no idea why that always happens) but then I stepped up to the plate (my usual position of 10th in the rotation) and brought in our first run…and after that it wasn’t too bad of a game. Basically, I went 4-for-4 including a double, 3 RBI, and 3 runs. On defense, as the catcher, I caught two pop flies (one off the backstop) and caught one runner at home. Basically, it was the softball game of my life, which isn’t saying much… but still. Not bad for a guy who hasn’t really played since 5th grade. I must be a natural athlete.

Well, about to head out for a date. We'll see how it goes. My mom & aunt arrive tomorrow… so it may be a few days until you hear from me. Don’t fret. I’ll have plenty of stories and pictures when I come back to the blogosphere. In the meantime, please enjoy these newsy nuggets…

Fox Update – Sorry, but you’re not the only one that’s a little disappointed that this isn’t about Megan Fox. Authorities in China's far west have bred and trained "an army" of silver foxes bought from a fur farm to fight a plague of rats threatening a huge expanse of grasslands, state media said on Wednesday. The Xinjiang government bought 20 foxes in 2004 and they have since increased to 284 (they must be clones…) and been released into the wild, the official Xinhua news agency said. "Foxes are excellent natural predators of the rodent. One fox can catch about 20 rats per day. There has been a decline in the rat population in several counties where the measure has been adopted," it quoted official Ni Yifei as saying. Rat numbers have exploded due to unusually dry conditions and threaten more than 5.5 million hectares of grasslands, the report said. In one of the areas where the foxes have been released, rat numbers have dropped 70%, it added. "The silver fox was chosen to be the rat fighter for its distinctive ability to run, hunt and live under the harsh living conditions on the prairie," Ni said. Silver foxes are more normally bred in Xinjiang for their rich fur, used to make clothing. Other parts of Xinjiang are using wolves, eagles and even chickens and ducks to control rat numbers, Xinhua said. "It is a green way to tackle the rat problem," added another official, Lin Jun. I just thought it was kind of cool that instead of being skinned for yet another fur for $teve’s night on the town (ladies love it), that they can clear out rat populations…and then be skinned. I’m sure the rats combined with sunshine give their coats a marvelous sheen. Also, reminds me of the time I told the dean of Shanghai Normal University that I planned on taking over the country with an army of pandas, tigers & monkeys. He didn't think it was funny. Guess you'd have to have been there. Sigh… at least this took my mind off Megan Fox getting married to Brian Austin Green…

Tombstone 85628 – Speaking of 90’s teenage drama stars whose appeal I just don’t understand, fellow "Beverly Hills 90210" stars Luke Perry and Jason Priestley are reuniting for the Hallmark TV movie western titled "Goodnight For Justice" reports Deadline. Perry (“8 Seconds” & “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) came up with the idea, will executive produce and will star in the project as a circuit judge on a quest to catch the outlaw who killed his family. Neal and Tippi Dobrofsky penned the script while Priestley (acted in “Tombstone” & “Calendar Girl”) will direct the project which begins shooting August 4th in Vancouver for airing sometime next year. I just mention it because it’s funny. I don’t anticipate that anybody will watch it.

Shue Update - My first crush Elisabeth Shue ("Karate Kid" & "Leaving Las Vegas") has joined the cast of the "Psycho"-esque thriller "House at the End of the Street" for FilmNation and A Bigger Boat says The Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a teenage girl (Jennifer Lawrence, "Winter's Bone" & Mystique in the upcoming "X-Men: First Class" movie) who moves to a new town and learns that a double murder took place in the house across the street. Things get complicated when she befriends the massacre's sole surviving son (Max Thieriot of "Kit Kittredge"). Shue will play the girl's mother (MILF!!!). David Loucka wrote the script from a story by Jonathan Mostow while Mark Tonderai ("Hush") is directing. Aaron Ryder, Peter Block, Tim Williams, Hal Lieberman and Jonathan Mostow will produce. Filming kicks off next month in Ottawa. Sigh... to be an actress over 40. You know I'm still going to watch this movie, right? It has Shue AND Jennifer Lawrence. Too bad it's probably a year or so down the line. Plenty of time to forget about it... but hey, we'll see. Glad to see Elisabeth can still get work though. I'm sure it'll be great.

Hottest First Lady Update - France's first lady, a former supermodel turned singer, is making her debut as an actress, filming Wednesday in the shadow of Notre Dame cathedral for Woody Allen's "Midnight in Paris." Carla Bruni-Sarkozy jotted in a notebook while seated next to actor Owen Wilson on a park bench. Allen gave instructions, while dozens of onlookers tried to get a glimpse of the action on the cordoned-off Jean XXIII Square. The French president showed up on a nearby set Tuesday, in dark suit but no tie, to watch his spouse in her latest creative venture. Allen, beloved by the French, recruited Bruni-Sarkozy last fall for a role in the romantic comedy which follows a family traveling in Paris for business. France's first lady reportedly plays a museum director. This week's scenes were shot in the heart of Paris, near the Pantheon, the resting place of many of France's luminaries, and on the Ile de la Cite, the island that hosts Notre Dame. In November, when she announced her plans to accept Allen's offer of a role, the 42-year-old Bruni-Sarkozy had said she was unsure of her acting skills. "I'm not at all an actress. Maybe I'll be absolutely terrible," she said in an interview with Canal Plus TV station. However, she said she couldn't pass up the chance to play in a Woody Allen film. "I'd like to — you know — when I'm a grandmother, to have done a Woody Allen film," said Bruni-Sarkozy, who has a son from a relationship before Sarkozy. "I cannot in my life miss an opportunity like this." Bruni-Sarkozy had a small role in the 1994 Robert Altman film "Pret-a-Porter" (Ready to Wear) and the 1998 move "Paparazzi," by Alain Berberian, each time playing herself. Her sister Valeria Bruni-Tedeschi is an actress and director. When Allen was once asked what famous person he would like to see act, the Dalai Lama or the queen of England, he replied: "Carla Bruni", according to the first lady's Web site. "She has charisma and she's used to appearing on stage. I could give her any role at all," the site quotes the director as saying. Bruni released a new album two years ago but refused to tour and gives royalties to the Foundation of France. It was not clear whether she was being paid for her Allen film role. The film also features Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard along with Rachel McAdams and Kathy Bates. Hmm, would I watch a Woody Allen movie that features the reuniting of "Wedding Crashers" stars McAdams & Wilson? Probably not... but hey, good for her. I hope that she is getting paid... and giving the proceeds to a worthy cause. That seems to be her way... and makes her even hotter. Rrrrrrrrrr...

Romantic Comedies & Fairy Tales - Romantic comedies might provide 90 minutes of light-hearted fun but the happy-ever-after movies are also impacting people's real love lives, according to an Australian survey. A poll of 1,000 Australians found almost half said rom-coms with their inevitable happy endings have ruined their view of an ideal relationship (and the other half are probably lying or in denial). One in four Australians said they were now expected to know what their partner was thinking (ESP? Really? Do you even WANT to know what I'm thinking?) while one in five respondents said it made their partners expect gifts and flowers 'just because'. "It seems our love of rom-coms is turning us into a nation of "happy-ever-after addicts." Yet the warm and fuzzy feeling they provide can adversely influence our view of real relationships," said Australian relationship counselor, Gabrielle Morrissey. "Real relationships take work and true love requires more than fireworks." The survey was released by Warner Home Video to mark the movie "Valentine's Day" going to DVD (shameless promotion). Personally, I have no problems with gifts & flowers "just because" but... I can't afford flowers everyday. Also, don't give me sh*t if I get caught picking the neighbors' flowers and wrapping it in a newspaper for you. "What the f**k is this?" "I got you flowers. Happy Wednesday!!!" "Miss Williams called and told me that she chased you out of her rose bushes. Why would you steal roses from her?" "Because they're your favorite." "WHAT? I won't be a part of this." "FINE!!! Then I guess you don't want any of the strawberries that Mister Jackson donated to our Love either?" Oh yes ladies... This guy would steal for you if he had to... at the very least. Not all of us get free stuff just for showing a little cleavage & a few bats of the eyelashes. What was my point? Oh yeah, romantic comedies are destroying the world. Don't you dare blame me as a movie goer either. I don't even go to romantic comedies on dates unless there's an OBSCENE amount of profanity, sex jokes and full frontal nudity. Go ahead. Look it up. Even though it's always ladies choice... I can usually influence the decision a wee bit. I've never really liked the messages in fairy tales. Even when I was a kid. The vast majority of them tell women to just sit there and do nothing... and everything will be taken care of for you. Some Prince Charming will wisk you away & live happily ever after "just because". Maybe. I wouldn't plan on it... but anything's possible. And you know why I love the Little Mermaid. Anyway, just a little food for thought... but wait, there's more when it comes to dating and your mind...

Sex & Brains - Sex apparently can help the brain grow (ladies...), according to new findings in rats. Sexually active rodents also seemed less anxious than virgins, Princeton scientists discovered (oh yes, Princeton scientists discovered that getting laid makes you less anxious. That's your government grant dollars at work, ladies & gentlemen). Past findings had shown that stressful, unpleasant events could stifle brain cell growth in adults. To see if pleasant albeit stressful experiences could have the opposite effect, researchers studied the effects of sex in rats. Scientists played matchmaker by giving adult male rats access to sexually receptive females (mmm... dirty girls) either once daily for two weeks or just once in two weeks. They also measured blood levels of stress hormones known as glucocorticoids, which researchers suspected might lie behind the detrimental effects that unpleasant experiences have on the brain. When compared with male virgins, both groups of sexually active rats had cell proliferation, or an increase in the number of neurons, in the hippocampus, a part of the brain linked with memory whose cells are especially sensitive to unpleasant experiences. The rats that had more sex also had adult brain cells grow, as well as a rise in the number of connections between brain cells. However, the rodents that only saw females once in two weeks had elevated levels of stress hormones, while the rats that had regular access showed no increase in the hormones. Sexually experienced rodents also proved less anxious than virgins, in that they were quicker to chomp down on food in unfamiliar environs (but... that's kind of like, not thinking things through first, right? It could be a trap?). These findings suggest that while stress hormones can be detrimental to the brain, these effects can be overridden if whatever experiences triggered them were pleasant (and boom goes the dynamite). The scientists detailed their findings online July 14 in the journal PLoS ONE. So there you go. Incredible sex can positively influence your memory. I know some of my greatest memories are directly linked to it... but can it help me learn Mandarin? Hmm... I wonder if I can get a government grant to study that... and I'm sure I can find a few willing interns to be test rats. Heck, I may have to just to make sure the study is effective. Hmm... I may find my way into the science books yet. I've always wanted to be an answer in a multiple choice question on an AP test.

24. Which legendary scientist is credited with linking sexual activity to brain cell growth & telekinetic pleasure powers, as well as regarded as "The Father of Panda Porn"?

A. Albert Einstein
B. Stephen Hawking
C. George Washington Carver
D. Dr. Mookie Love

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. I'll let you know how the date goes and when/if I ever get into the history books. Hopefully it's not posthumous or something. Though I'd like for my legacy to live in, I'd like to take advantage of the financial rewards during my own lifetime. Seriously, if the guy who did "Girls Gone Wild" can be a f**king self-made millionaire, why not me? And you know that I'm willing to share the wealth. In the meantime, have a great day everybody!!!

Sitting or Lying Prohibited

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Wow, it’s been a busy busy week catching up and hanging out with JL Clyde and then with B-Dub & J-Dub. There was even a nice snowstorm last Monday just to throw everybody off. My mom’s back on U.S. soil (granted it’s Alaska for a few days, then back to Utah). I’m officially on a softball team. Our first practice was this past weekend…and I need some work. Oh, and speaking of work, I just had my 10 Year Anniversary with the company. I know, I know. You’re impressed and they’re f**king lucky to have me. You’re absolutely right. Thank you very much. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. The Tahoe area is gorgeous…and Friday night in Reno was pretty awesome too…as I will show you with some pictures…

My new favorite sushi place - Hiro's

Though that guy at the end of the bar looks like trouble...

This is in the bathroom. AWESOME!!!

Why is this Reno motel out of business?

My guess - Lawsuit from In-n-Out Burger

Everybody hates clowns

My kind of art...

Wedding Chapel with 3 options - Western...

Swan Lake...

and Traditional (sorta)

B-Dub's face in a bush

I'm skeptical of a sushi place owned by a fertility god

What does this look like to you? Me too.

First Hottie Update - A French documentary film on the first lady of France Carla Bruni-Sarkozy that is still in the final stages of production has been sold for release in a dozen countries, the distributor said Wednesday. Filmed over 18 months, "The Birth of a First Lady" is a close-up look at President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife as she learns the ropes, mastering protocol at the Elysee and abroad. The 90-minute documentary, pared down to 52 minutes for international audiences (with short attention spans for boring, pretentious French films), is one of the most talked-about items up for sale at the MIPDOC industry show held in Cannes. Distributors in Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Germany, Sweden and Switzerland have already bought the rights to the documentary, said Isabelle Graziadey of the Terranoa company in charge of overall distribution. Deals are under negotiation with Italy and Spain while Australia, Britain, Greece, Portugal and the United States have also expressed an interest, she said. "This is really unusual," said Graziadey. The documentary, which will soon be aired in France, shows "how becoming a first lady can change a woman's life," she said. The Italian-born 42-year-old former supermodel is shown chatting with other first ladies and also sits down for interviews at the Elysee to talk to the documentary producers about her new life. The former supermodel-turned-singer married Sarkozy in February 2008 and has accompanied him on state visits and taken on philanthropic work dealing with AIDS in Africa. She released her third album soon after her marriage to the president and has kept up her singing career, appearing in New York last year for a concert in honor of Nelson Mandela's 91st birthday. So why hasn’t the United States picked this up? “Is she naked? No? Excuse me. I have to take this call. Have your people call my people.” Wow, who knew that becoming the President’s wife could change your life? Supermodel to singer to princess, it’s like a Disney flick…but in French…and Italian. Mmm… Fritalian…

Spartan Panty Raider - Police say a 19-year-old Michigan State University student who pilfered 79 pairs of women's panties faces possible charges. East Lansing Police Sgt. Florene McGlothian-Taylor tells The Detroit News all 79 items were thongs (that thong tho-thong-thong-thong. Admit it, you miss Sisqo). McGlothian-Taylor says the suspect, who has not been named, was arrested April 7 after another student saw him taking underwear from a dryer in a dorm basement laundry room. Police have been investigating since March 22, when someone reported the theft of 15 pairs of panties from the same laundry. The man told police it was a prank and denied having a sex addiction (and that he was just going to sell them off on eBay for tuition and Top Ramen noodles). Police released the student. McGlothian-Taylor says one victim wants to file charges (love stains?) but that Ingham County prosecutors must decide if he will be charged. I can just see the guy in the interrogation room about this. “I’m telling you, I don’t have a sex addiction…well, at least more than any other man. It was just a prank.” “Why? And on that note, why were they all stuffed into a pillow case on your bed?” “It’s the last place anybody would’ve looked for them. It’s not like I would plunge face-first into bed every night and motorboat the sh*t out of the case. That would be weird and freaky and develop some sort of rash on my face for about a week.” Good luck with the authorities…and my shipment still hasn’t arrived.

Wonder Pants - Businessmen who vowed to hit the gym daily in 2010 but are yet to leave the desk are the target of a new, fast-growing line of high-tech underwear which boasts to trim the torso while also benefiting your health. Just ask Gavin Jones, co-founder of Australia-based company Equmen which has pioneered "fitwear" for men who spend the week hunched over desks in high-stress jobs and weekends chasing their children. Jones said compression wear was well researched and accepted among elite athletes as was shapewear for women that trims and smoothes those stubborn bulges (mmm…), but when he stood in front of the mirror he had one question -- what about me? "I was just beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. I had a pretty active 20s and 30s and maintained a great social life and played sport but I was just starting to turn the corner into middle age," Jones, 43, a former journalist, told Reuters. While women have quickly snapped into the increasing lines of shapewear, trebling sales in the past decade according to the market research NPD Group, Jones realized men wanted more than a male girdle or "mirdle" (fun word to say) to trim the beer gut if they were to upgrade from their boxers or cotton briefs with fancy waistband. In partnership with an American friend and former investment banker Corie Chung, Jones spent about a year and about $1.4 million of his own money researching and developing a new product line that was more mainstream than the compression wear around and came with health benefits. They found a manufacturer in Israel who could produce a high-elasticity blend of fabrics which was seamless and flexible. This led to Equmen's range of undershirts and underpants hitting the market a year ago, boasting to help back support, better posture, and improved blood circulation as well as a better shape -- and maybe even a lower golf score. The line is sold in Australia, Britain, the United States, Canada, Spain, South Africa, and Taiwan with plans to move this year into Scandinavia, South Korea, Japan and New Zealand. The company is introducing socks to its collection (to tone your feet?). "Sales have outstripped our expectations and we are in very good shape," said Jones, forecasting sales for 2010/11 rising to about $12 million and turnover of 200,000 units from about $7 million and 95,000 units in 2009/10. Chung, 30, said they were even working on a range of women's fit wear, Equfem, which they hoped to hit the market early 2012. Other companies are now also starting to produce fashionable, shapewear for men such as Calvin Klein's X line and Marks & Spencer's Bodymax range but Chung said men will remain Equmen's key focus, with professional men the main target. "Our primary consumer is between 30 and 55. It is the slightly middle to older demographic because those health benefits become more powerful the older you get," said Chung, whose experience also includes working as a product and marketing manager at Revlon and L'Oreal. "We are focusing mainly on metropolitan and urban areas where people are under the most pressure and stress." So…from what I gather, this is basically the equivalent of wearing a wetsuit to the office…under your suit? And this tones you…or at least just helps you suck in your gut? Sigh… Okay. Well, at least one good thing came out of this article. Mirdle. Say it with me everybody. Mirdle!!! Mirdle!!! Mirdlemirdlemirdle…

Hooters Update - An under-16 Australian Rules football team has come under fire for entering a sponsorship deal with a local Hooters franchise, with critics saying the move could give adolescent boys the wrong message (and frequent erections diverting blood away from their precious brains). The Broadbeach Cats team in Australia's Gold Coast were cheered on by two skimpily-dressed staff from the Mermaid Beach franchise of the American restaurant chain during their home game against local side Labrador on the weekend (Are you f**king kidding me? Maybe I should take to a local franchise about our softball team). "The message these boys are getting -- and bear in mind we're talking 15 and 16-year-old boys -- is that ... as a young footballer you have an entitlement to large-breasted women in skimpy outfits bouncing around at your games," women's advocate Melinda Tankard Reist said on an Australian morning television show…and she’s absolutely correct. Restaurant owner Morney Schledusch described the criticism as "ridiculous." "Our waitresses represent the all-American cheerleader. And no, they don't all have big boobs. We are all about sport. We had a great opportunity here to show Australia what we are really about." The staff members would not be back to cheer on more matches and their presence had not affected the Broadbeach players, who romped to a big win over Labrador, the team's coach Neil Boston said. "They are here to play football -- that's all." Apparently some bloke’s wife had an opinion and put a padlock on her poke. Look, you have to know that I’m all for this, right? Not just because of the obvious eye candy when I’m watching something that resembles a bunch of teenage boys playing grab-ass…but because I’m a proud athletic supporter. There’s a major difference between playing a game in front of a crowd that’s only your parents (half of which don’t even want to be there) and a crowd of hundreds that want to watch a competitive match…and then be entertained during the timeouts. It’s something that everybody should experience…and for that, I fully support this decision…even though the coach has already backed out of it. I think there should be more sponsorships like this. I think Roger Goddell, the commissioner of the NFL, needs to seize this opportunity to promote America’s perfection of the sport of football in places like Australia…and I think there’s some great cheerleading talent down under. I’m certain that it would make my Dijareedoo.

Marilyn Biopic - After giving Chopper Reid in “Chopper” and Jesse James the part biographical/part-dramatized treatment in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”, Australian filmmaker Andrew Dominik is looking to do the same to THE Marilyn Monroe. The Playlist reports that last year Dominik penned a script on spec based on Joyce Carol Oates' imaginary Monroe memoirs "Blonde". At the time it looked unlikely to happen as he didn't have the life rights to Monroe from her estate. Now, Naomi Watts is attached to star, a $20 million budget has been set and Wild Bunch is currently selling the proposed film at Cannes. Dominik says “I want to tell the story of Norma Jean as a central figure in a fairytale; an orphan child lost in the woods of Hollywood, being consumed by that great icon of the twentieth century.” Production kicks off next January for a likely late 2011 release. Though my guess is that the working title will be something like “The Accidental Death of Marilyn Monroe by Painkillers or JFK or RFK or a Pre-Existing Genetic Heart Condition or Perhaps Alien Visitors of Some Sort” instead of “Blonde.” It’s gonna be hard to top “Norma Jean & Marilyn” starring Ashley Judd & Mira Sorvino as an HBO movie bipolar-schizo Marilyn…but hey, I’ll watch it. You know this. The last one started with Ashley Judd naked in a church…and there’s really only one way to go from there. And I er ugh…do a pretty good JFK impersonation if you’re looking to cast a squinty-eyed stud in the role, Mr. Dominik.

Paris: City of Lights, Love & Littering Locks - Lovers in Paris were left feeling a little less welcome this week after the tokens of their ardor mysteriously disappeared from one of the city's most romantic spots. For years love-struck couples have been fastening padlocks to the railings of the Pont des Arts, engraving them with their initials, adding a few sentimental words and then tossing the keys into the Seine River below to symbolize their eternal love. The hundreds of "love locks" (like the city in Nevada) adorning the Napoleonic passarelle under the watchful eye of Notre Dame Cathedral came in all shapes, sizes and styles from sparkling colors to rusting clunkers all bearing witness to love. They vanished overnight sometime before Wednesday morning. In a bid to preserve the 19th century bridge's structure, the town hall had said it planned to dispense with romance and had ordered the locks to be removed at an unspecified time. Officials in the "City of Love" appeared reluctant to take credit for sullying this new tradition now that it has happened. The various municipal authorities in charge of the bridge said they had not taken the final decision for the overnight raid to remove the detritus of love when asked by Le Parisien newspaper. Parisian authorities and town cleaning services contacted by Reuters declined to comment. Tourists and locals were baffled as to why the authorities would want to ruin romance in a city whose reputation as a haven for lovers is a huge draw for visitors from around the world. Passing strollers told Reuters that the locks of love may not have all have been beautiful works of art, but they had become an accepted Parisian tradition. "There were small ones, big ones, pretty ones, ugly ones ... it's clear that it didn't obey the rules of art (much like the rules of Love)," said Jean-Baptiste Guilbert from Rennes in northern France. "There needs to be the same padlocks on the left and the right and that's not the case, so maybe that's why they took them off." Another couple ambling along expressed disappointment. "It was a bit romantic and all that. It was nice and it's a shame really," said Felix Pinquier, whose partner Alix Camus said they gave the footbridge an "artistic aspect" fitting for its name. A few lucky locks have survived the cull. The thought of removing a distinctly antique-looking padlock bearing the inscription "Love Never Ends" next to the word "Paris" may have just been too much for the person lumbered with the task (or he just said f**k it and got some breakfast). And in a testament to love's indomitable spirit, a few shiny new locks have already started to re-appear. "We got married a week ago," said Brazilian newlywed Mariana, fixing her padlock to the now-bare railings. "We want to put it there to symbolize our love." But if this week's cull is an indication of the local authority's intentions and the bridge is to face a bare future, then lovers may still have another way to show their affection (PDA’s?). Just a few steps from the passarelle lies a tree with the first initials of a few romantic souls carved into it. It just goes to show…vandalism is perfectly acceptable…as long as it’s in the name of Love. So when you see “$teve + Megan Fox Forever” carved into Napoleon’s Tomb…then you’ll know why. Then again, if you want to show your True Eternal Love for somebody…there’s a much more effective, dangerous, and therefore romantic way…

Tattoos are for Pansies – Branding is the way to show your love. Tattoos are great and many a failed relationship have involved them. Seriously? Have you ever seen a couple that’s been together for 20+ years that had the other’s name tattooed on them? I’m just saying. Anyway, that’s why I suggest Branding. Yes, I know this isn’t the first time that I’ve suggested Branding over Tattoos…but this one has a story attached to it. Also, having worked on a dairy for two years, I can tell you that NOTHING says “Til Death Do Us Part” like a Brand. Mmm mmm steaks. Anyway, a man in Washington state who branded his children like cattle has been acquitted of second-degree assault charges. A jury in Port Angeles deadlocked Thursday on two lesser charges of fourth-degree assault, and a judge declared a mistrial on those counts. The two teenage sons of 39-year-old Mark J. Seamands testified that they had wanted to be branded (See? To show their Love). The Sequim (pronounced ‘SKWIM’) man was branded himself (By the way, apparently Sequim is the name of the town). He testified he wanted to bring the family closer together while he was going through a divorce. Seamands' ex-wife said she was horrified when she saw the scars (honestly just jealous that he didn’t do the same for her). Seamands' 18-year-old daughter also was branded, but the dad wasn't charged with assaulting her because she was old enough to give consent. The children were branded with the letters "SK," which stands for "Seamands' kids." So you see? If you want to show your eternal bonds of Love, don’t settle for some cheesy padlock on a chain link fence thousands of miles away in some frog-eating part of the world. You can Brand each other in the privacy of your own home. On a few minutes notice if you so decided. Hell, even if you have an electric stove, the spiral pattern will symbolize the endlessly expanding circle of your Love for one another. Tattoos can be removed with hours of painful laser procedures…and will still leave behind a few scars. But Branding, ladies & gentlemen, you can go through all the procedures you want…and that ain’t going anywhere. Seriously, I don’t even want to get a tattoo anymore. I want to find a woman that’s going to convince me to Brand myself. Hell, I may open up a Branding Parlor here in Truckee. I’ve even got my first pattern ready to go in the shape of Lake Tahoe for all the locals who want to show their eternal love for where they live. I’m a f**king genius.

Power of the Female Touch – Have you noticed that I often like to talk about these scientific studies…that really aren’t scientific studies? More like facts that have already been known for generations…but they now have some scientific data? Well, here’s another one. Just a pat on the back or a reassuring touch on the arm can be a powerful tool to influence behavior, according to new research. And it could determine whether someone invests in a risky financial venture or decides to play it safe. "It's a very effective way of suddenly influencing people's behavior without them realizing they are being influenced," said Jonathan Levav, a professor of business and marketing at Columbia University in New York. "If you're a doctor, or are in sales, this is a form of communication you might want to keep in mind," he added in an interview. Levav 's findings, which are reported in the journal Psychological Science, are based on a series of experiments involving touch. In one study 67 men and women were asked to choose between a cash payoff and a risky gamble and then touched on the shoulder and back by male and female researchers. Levav and his co-author Jennifer Argo, of the University of Alberta in Canada, found was that both sexes were more likely to select gambles with no guarantees of a payoff if they had been made to feel more comfortable, especially if touched by a woman. In another experiment, 105 people were asked to allocate their money between two investments -- a bond that delivered a 4% yearly return or a risky deal with no guaranteed return. Again, people who were lightly touched on the shoulder by a woman were more likely to select the option with the most risk. Levav and Argo suggested that the connection between comfort and risk goes back to our earliest recollections of human bonding. "A simple pat on the back of the shoulder by a female in a way that connotes support may evoke feelings that are similar to the sense of security afforded by a mother's comforting touch in infancy," they wrote in the study. Apparently these researchers have never heard of Sigmund Freud. Everything’s about your mother. So this is basically a generally accepted fact, right? Doesn’t like…everybody know this? Why do you think gentlemen’s clubs are still in business? By the watered-down booze & singles? NO!!! Because some attractive woman wearing little more than enough to keep her taint from freezing will walk up to you…touch you on the shoulder (or wherever) in a sensual manner and ask you if you would like a lap dance. You may say no with that scenario…but then again, she may just try to start a conversation with you first…and you don’t want to be rude. That’s not the way of the gentleman. Anyway, she’ll be sitting in your lap already (not exactly sure how she ended up there) and then she might ask if you would like a lap dance…probably while running her fingers through your hair or something (if she’s smart enough to really be going to college and this is how she pays tuition). Then you might be more inclined to think that $20 is well worth three minutes of intense sexual frustration where you can’t even so much as touch the sultry sweaty voluptuous woman gyrating and rubbing up against all of your most sensitive parts while you listen to some f**king Lady Gaga songs that you can’t stand, thereby causing your penis to be extremely confused. “I hate Lady Gaga…so why do I want to come out and play? Sigh…this is just like the Elton John thing (which is another story all together).” Anyway, ladies, you already know this…but you have an incredible gift. You can merely touch just about anybody…and with your magical witchcraft, they’ll yield to your every command. However, if I were to touch somebody, I’d be in front of a judge by the end of the month. Use your powers for good, ladies. Use them for good. As a whiny superhero once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

On that superhero note, I think I’ll call it a day. I hope that you all enjoy the pictures and stories from my three-week road trip. With spring and summer coming into swing, there should be plenty more adventures in the near future. Involving new trails here in Tahoe, the Redwoods, Yosemite, the Pacific Coast, maybe even north to Portland or Seattle, and you never know when I may get a wild bug and go out to New Orleans or something (that may be a Halloween trip though). It should be a fantastic time in the Life of $teve. I can’t wait to share it with all of you. Have a great night everybody!!!