One Big Bowl of Super

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

IT'S SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!! MARKETER'S CHRISTMAS (all those wonderful...and horrible commercials)!!! A day to pig out and watch grown men beat the crap out of each other from a safe distance...and watch it again in instant replay...and at least a week of post-game analysis. Oh yeah, it's gonna be great. The game is evenly matched...and the teams are exciting...but I think the Saints are going to pull it off. Okay, on paper the Colts look like they'll win...but I hope the Saints do. They're my sentimental pick. I love New Orleans. You all know this. Anyway, should be a good game...and I'm sure that tomorrow I'll have a bunch of critiques of all the commercials or something. I've done it before. We'll see if they're worth mentioning. Also, glad that I was able to catch up with Lis and Amelia last night. Thanks ladies. You really made my Saturday night.

The other day, I finally got to see a movie that I've been waiting YEARS for. When the original came out, my first thought was "Who is this guy? And why isn't he an international phenomenon?" Then his next movie came out...and it was one of those "Quentin Tarantino presents..." things that usually leads to that...yet I still feel like I'm the only person that has seen the movie. Now, the sequel to the original...which has been out in Thailand for over a year...has finally hit American shores...and of course, I was first in line on Netflix to get it. So I was finally able to watch... "Ong Bak 2" starring the future of martial arts movies, Tony Jaa. So to test my theory, have ANY of you seen "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior" or "The Protector"? Anyone? Exactly. Well then, I'll focus on this one. The sequel...is COMPLETELY different from the original. Why? They got money to make it...so they turned it into an epic. Set in 1481 in Thailand, it's the story of a young man lost in the wilderness, raised by revolutionaries to become a warrior, and lead them to peace through battle. Okay, we've all heard the story before...and the movie was a fairly good mix of what I like...but also what I despise. On the good side, it's a beautifully shot movie with a certain richness and beauty of the land of Thailand, yet still keeping that it's a murky time in history and really just that there's a lot of money in the production. Also, Tony Jaa kicks ass...but I primarily like the hand-to-hand combat stuff about a thousand times more than the gory swordplay & weapon fights, which this movie was heavy on. The hand-to-hand Muay Thai asskickin' & unbelievable athleticism is what separates Tony Jaa movies from all the others...and they kinda took away from that. The worst part...was the dubbing. Absolutely horrible. I mean...even for a martial arts movie, it was horrible. I checked to see if there was a way to just switch it to subtitles...but not on the Netflix version. Overall, it was okay...and basically set it up for Ong Bak 3 (which is already almost completed) but unless you're a fan of martial arts movies, you're probably not going to give a crap to watch this one.

Last night, I watched another fairly horrible movie that I should get out of the way. It's "Gamer" starring Gerard Butler, Luda & Michael C. Hall. Set in 2034, there's a video game where gamers control death row inmates in a first-person shooter and if they die, they die. If they survive 30 rounds, they get to go free (not sure if that would be a good idea anyway). Anyway, there's a former soldier (Butler) who has become the LeBron James of this game...and the billionairre inventor (Hall) of the system has his reservations about letting him go free...and blah blah blah. Basically, it's a really bad premise, predictable (except for Terry Crews singing a Pinocchio song & Michael C. Hall going all Sammy Davis) and just gory & nonsensical really. I didn't care for it at all.

However, there was a great movie that I would highly recommend that I saw this week too. It's "(500) Days of Summer" starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Zooey Deschanel. It's the story of a young man (Levitt) who writes greeting cards...and believes in Love like in the movies. Well, he meets a coworkers named Summer (Deschanel) who is beautiful, funny, sweet...and completely cynical & unattached with the concept of Love. Well, they hang out as friends...and as it progresses, he wonders if it's something more than friends...but then they break up...and he looks back and tries to find out where it went wrong. I really liked this movie...because I saw a LOT of myself in this character. He's funny, a gentleman, a hopeless romantic, has a job that specializes in warm fuzzy feelings but has a background in analytical thought & a poetic heart, has a tendency to focus on the good & forget about the bad, especially when it comes to relationships, except I like to think I have more balls. Anyway, the movie is clever, touching, funny, and don't be swayed by the fact that it's starring Cobra Commander and the chick from "The Happening", two of the worst movies of the past few years. This is a good one...and you get to look at Zooey Deschanel for a few hours. You can't not like that. Adorable. The soundtrack's pretty amazing too. Now for the news...

The Alba Makeover - A Chinese woman is seeking extensive plastic surgery to look like actress Jessica Alba, mainly because she hopes to win back her boyfriend who she said always wished she looked more like the Hollywood star (sounds like a douche). The 21-year-old, who would only give her name as Xiaoqing (pronounced...forget it), said she was devastated after she broke up with her lover Douche, an ardent fan of the actress who has starred in hit movies such as "Fantastic Four" and "Into the Blue." Xiaoqing, who works at an Internet firm in Shanghai, said that during their 18-month-long relationship, her 28-year-old boyfriend had been obsessed with Alba, adorning their apartment with her photographs and talking about her constantly (obsessive douche). She said that while her boyfriend had not forced her to look like Alba, he always hinted that the wanted her to resemble his favorite star and even bought her a blonde wig to wear (creepy obsessive douche). A month ago, Xiaoqing left her boyfriend, whom she did not name (it's okay, I did), because his Alba obsession became too much for her. But now she says she can't get over the break-up and wants him back. "When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was very sad," she told Reuters at the Shanghai Time Plastic Surgery Hospital which has agreed to help her fulfill her wish. "My friends... kept consoling me but it did not work, so they suggested I do plastic surgery to look like her (Jessica Alba)." The hospital said Xiaoqing would need multiple surgeries to alter her eyes and nose so that they would resemble Alba's. They also agreed to do it for free to showcase their surgery skills (wow, usually only the first one's free). Hospital director Jiang Shan said he had personally spoken to Xiaoqing and advised her to think seriously about the procedure. "If she wants to look much better than she does now, for example if she wants her skin to look smoother and her overall facial facade to look more beautiful, I think we are able to help her fulfill her wishes. But if she wants to totally look like Jessica Alba, I would think she is still not confident of herself and that she needs to solve this problem psychologically." (I'm gonna call this guy, Doctor Douche, no relation) Shortly after the break-up, Xiaoqing posted a comment on a local web forum asking for help to win her boyfriend back. She said that despite the many bloggers who advised her against having cosmetic surgery, she was keen on it.(Seriously, even bloggers were telling you not to do it...and they say some stupid sh*t) "As a member of the younger generation in this country, I have a choice to decide what I want in life. I have never been able to let him go. If in the end he still does not accept me after I undergo the plastic surgeries, I will give up. I will then choose to let go, start afresh and live life by myself," she added. Xiaoqing said she would speak to her mother, who lives in Hubei province, while visiting home during the annual lunar new year holiday before making a final decision. The hospital said it was not unusual for young women such as Xiaoqing to undergo cosmetic surgery to look like celebrities. The government estimates billions of yuan are spent each year by Chinese on plastic surgery, which is seen by many as a way to boost job or marriage prospects in a highly competitive society. Sigh... I just don't get it. A beautiful girl who wants to f**k that all up for some douche who doesn't deserve her? Why am I single? If I'm going out with a girl...and she wants me to look like Brad Pitt or something (moreso than I already do), am I going to go through an expensive procedure to chisel up my face, shorten my stature & slim up my penis? No. If she don't want me, she don't want me. I'm healthy, I'm a catch-and-a-half, and there's plenty more girls out there who aren't bat crackers crazy (allegedly). If your lover wants you to do something dangerous, then it's probably in your best interest to drop it like it's hot. Also, that advice has nothing to do with this situation, the guy's a douche, the chick's crazy, hell they're pretty much perfect for each other but yeah, that's the world we live in these days, I guess.

Anyway, there's a few more hours of pregame before the official pregame, then the real game, followed by the post game, so I should make sure everything's ready. Honey barbecue chicken strips, pack of Heinekens, bag of doritos with questionable cheese sauce, bottles of liquor for experimentation if the game gets boring, checkity check check. "I call this concoction Nyquil, because it goes down smooth and you'll sleep like a baby until after noon. It's a mixture of Jaeger, Midori, Peppermint Schnapps...ugh, what else do I have in the fridge here? Oh vodka. What's that? Oh vanilla extract. Why not?" Have a great day everybody!!! Enjoy the game!!!

Back Up Off My Boy!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I ranted a bit yesterday. I apologize for that…unless you found it hilarious or thought-provoking…and then I meant every word of it. Today I pinky swear that it’s going to be sexier…and more of what you’re used to. Why? Because it’s Friday night, the fireplace is crackling, the wine is chilled, the music’s rumbling low, your lips taste like strawberries & you like the feel of tiger fur on your bare thighs. So come have a picnic with me & we’ll read the newspaper before our torrid love affair kicks off…

Vegas Update – Ah, my sweet mistress is going through some rough times, both financially & personally. Not only are people not giving her the attention that she needs to sustain her lavish and fancy-free lifestyle…but now, politicians are talkin’ smack on her…and not just any politicians, but one I actually respect a little bit. President Barack Obama is known for having a way with words, but some lawmakers from Nevada wish he would pipe down about trips to Sin City. After sparking a firestorm of criticism from Nevada's elected officials for suggesting that people saving money for college shouldn't blow it in Las Vegas, Obama told U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in a letter that he wasn't saying anything negative about Las Vegas. It was the second time since taking office that Obama singled out Las Vegas as a potential example of spending excessively. "I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country's great destinations." Obama said he always enjoys his visits to Las Vegas (yeah baby). Perception and reputation are sensitive issues for Sin City as it struggles to find footing amid a two-year meltdown of foreclosures, bankruptcies and unemployment. Tourism is the Silver State's backbone, and several lawmakers said they were shocked that Obama singled out Las Vegas again after commenting last February that bailed-out banks shouldn't go to Las Vegas using taxpayer money (honestly they shouldn’t be going to Detroit either, they should be focusing on not running us into a depression but hey, tourism needs a financial boost too). "When times are tough, you tighten your belts," Obama said, according to a White House transcript of his appearance Tuesday at a high school in Nashua, N.H. "You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices." The comments quickly sparked a flurry of reaction in the Silver State, which supported Obama in the 2008 election. Nevada had an unemployment rate of 13% in December. Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman said during a hastily called news conference that Obama is no friend to Las Vegas and would not be welcomed here if he visits. "I'll do everything I can to give him the boot. This president is a real slow learner." Goodman and others are worried that Obama's words will discourage visitors from coming to Las Vegas and depress the industry further. "Enough is enough!" Democratic Congresswoman Shelley Berkley said in a statement. "President Obama needs to stop picking on Las Vegas and he needs to let Americans decide for themselves how and where to spend their hard-earned vacation dollars." Reid, one of Obama's closest allies, issued a statement headlined "Reid to Obama: 'Lay off Las Vegas'" and was unusually blunt in his reaction. "The President needs to lay off Las Vegas and stop making it the poster child for where people shouldn't be spending their money. I would much rather tourists and business travelers spend their money in Las Vegas than spend it overseas." One year ago, Obama commented during a town hall meeting in Elkhart, Indiana, that corporations shouldn't use federal bailout money for trips to Las Vegas, the Super Bowl or corporate jets. Tourism and casino officials said the comment hurt the city as companies canceled meetings in Las Vegas and rescheduled them elsewhere (like Orlando. That’s right, Disney. I’m coming after your dime now!!!). Obama later said during a May 2009 trip to Nellis Air Force Base outside of Las Vegas that it was nice to get out of Washington and "there's nothing like a quick trip to Vegas in the middle of the week." (Hahahahaha yeah, I remember those…back when I could afford gas & not work during the week just to get by) Mayor Goodman said he thought Obama had a "psychological hang-up" of using Las Vegas as an example of excessive spending, and that this time, an apology wouldn't be enough. "He has to step up right away and say, you know, he wasn't thinking. Sometimes when he's not using his monitors and reading what he says, he doesn't think. And this is one of those times he didn't think, and he should straighten out the record because he's been here, he knows Las Vegas is a great place."

Look Goodman, I like you...but you need to back up off my boy Barack. We all make mistakes. Sure it might be a little better if he had mixed up the central cities where business meetings are popular like Orlando, St. Louis, Denver, Dallas and others…and we all know that he’s never going to single out Chicago or Hawaii (that’d be like me going against Utah). Why does he bring up Vegas then? Because Vegas is constantly on his mind. It’s more than a city. It’s a state of mind. Granted that state is about excess, entertainment, gambling, glitz, glamour, makin’ it rain, shopping both name brand & outlet store variety, all-you-can-eat buffets, hooking up with drunk chicks, dancing fountains, volcanoes, giant black pyramids, like eight Cirque de Soleil shows now and Wayne Newton…but it’s not based on financial responsibility by any means. Mayor Goodman, you and your friends with the Mafia can agree with me on that. We all love Vegas. We all love lobster tails. However, both are usually obtained through discretionary income, which many of us no longer have enough. I loved being able to just fly down for the weekend and live it up Rat Pack style every few months. Now I’m down to about twice a year…and Barack’s hard at work trying to get things squared away so that the middle class, businessmen, even those c**ksuckers on Wall Street can return to those times when they can visit your lovely city & hand you their money by the fistful at the craps tables. We’ve all been hit by this recession. The city of Las Vegas just grew too big for its own damn good (hence why it’s hardest hit by the recession) but we’ve got your back. God knows I want to visit you every weekend. F**k, I even tried to move there for about six months last year. You know I love Las Vegas…and the President does too. He’s just trying to help the country prioritize…and not waste money (like a $10 billion “city within a city” or a few more towers to the Wynn when you’re already struggling to fill rooms?). So should the President apologize? Hell no. If anything, you should apologize for making him release a statement. He’s got more important things to do. You need to focus on getting Pacquaio & Mayweather in the ring…or bringing other industries into the area to keep people employed and help out your economy. We all need to adjust our habits. The only constant is change. Barack & I hope to see you again soon in the High Roller Suite under my nom de plume, Dr. Mookie Love…and we’re bringing our constituents with us…and the first round’s on this guy. One Love. Sorry, was that a rant again? I just want what’s best for my boy & my lucky lady…and for them to get along. Sometimes words can mean different things to different people…and there’s no reason to hold a grudge because of it. Especially when you’re both great, progressive, funny & charismatic people who would normally get along & have fun over a few drinks. Anyway, this next story is pretty good.

Justice for Strippers? – A Jefferson County jury has awarded a former stripper $100,000 in a lawsuit in which she claimed the club that employed her failed to stop her from driving home after her on-the-job drinking (wow, as if being a stripper didn’t have enough job perks). Patsy Hamaker of Bessemer, Alabama was injured in a wreck after leaving work at The Furnace on October 17th, 2007. She said she can no longer dance because of her injuries. Hamaker said the club disregarded its own safety rules when it let her drive home that night. Attorneys for the club argued that employees tried to keep Hamaker from driving away. The Birmingham News reported that the jury award made Tuesday is for compensatory damages. No punitive damages were awarded. Is that justice? Could you have gotten her more? The real question that I have is…do they have to pay her in singles? That might fill a suitcase. Anyway, just needed a reason to post a picture of a stripper wearing a confederate or daisy dukes or something…and you know why.

“Not the Doll, She’s My Friend!!!” – One of the greatest lines from one of the greatest shows in television history, Duckman. Sigh… I miss that ring tone. Anyway, a New Yorker faces a $135 traffic fine for using a mannequin as her "plus one" in the high-occupancy vehicle lane of the Long Island Expressway. An alert sheriff's deputy on Long Island became suspicious this week when he saw the "passenger" wearing sunglasses and using the visor. The problem: The sky was overcast. When he stopped the vehicle, he found the mannequin, fully dressed with a long dark wig, blazer, shirt and scarf. The 61-year-old driver left with a summons…and maybe a stern talkin’ to. I was actually kind of half hoping to hear that the driver of the car was Andrew McCartney. “You don’t understand, officer. I wasn’t trying to break the rules. You see, when nobody else is around, the mannequin is alive…and she wanted to go really fast…and there was traffic in the other lanes…and as long as nobody was looking, I was technically carpooling. Oh, why won’t anybody believe me? Wait, maybe if you turn off the camera in your car…and turn around, I could have her tap you on the shoulder or something. Would that prove it?” “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Would you rather I had her drive? The instance somebody looks in our direction, boom, she goes stiff and we wrap around a tree.” I smell another sequel. Anybody else?

Supermodel to the Rescue - A red-faced banker has been caught looking at racy near-nude photographs on his computer, with his actions broadcast live on Australian television. The Macquarie Private Wealth employee clicked up the images of Australian model Miranda Kerr, unaware a colleague nearby was doing a live television interview about the Australian economy. Australia's Seven Network broadcast the news item on Tuesday, with the photographs clearly showing on a computer screen in the background. At one stage, the man turns and looks directly at the television camera and realizes his actions have been caught on camera. The incident has become a global internet hit with over 200,000 views and a 5-star rating on YouTube. It was reported widely in Australia's newspapers Wednesday. Macquarie Bank, known locally as the "millionaire's factory', said it was taking the matter seriously. "Macquarie has strict policies in place surrounding the use of technology and the issue arising from today's live cross on Seven News is being dealt with internally," the bank told local media. So he’s probably going to get fired then, right? Well, not if one Wonder Woman has anything to say about. Miranda Kerr herself says the banker shouldn't be fired. Again, Macquarie Bank said it was investigating…and Kiely is expected to meet with his bosses soon to learn his fate…but Kerr, a 26-year-old Australian-born model engaged to "Pirates of the Caribbean" star Orlando Bloom (Really? Wow), said she hoped the banker would not lose his job. "I am told there is a petition to save his job, and of course I would sign it," news.com.au quoted her as saying. London-based financial news-based Web site Here is the City set up an e-mail campaign to help Kiely, saying he should not get fired because he has suffered enough and the pictures weren't hardcore porn. Well, I hope so mate. I’m gonna go to the site and sign the petition myself. Just save that stuff until you get home. Maybe check the news or something if you’ve got a moment to take a deep breath but, come on man. There are ladies around. Show some respect. Focus on your work. And if you feel the urge to check out pictures, just remember…there are ladies around…and an imagination is a terrible thing to waste. Glad that Miss Kerr is sticking up for you too. Good show. Now, if we could just discuss the kind of pirate that you’re engaged to…

That’s a discussion for another time. I hope you enjoyed our ever so brief time together. Did you enjoy the wine? I picked it up in Sonoma. Too much? We split a bottle. Well, I guess you did have a little more than I did. You don’t have a headache, do you? That’s good. What’s that? Dennis Quaid? Really? Wow, you must be a little tipsy. Just lie back and I’ll get you some water or something. Ice? Sure thing. Oh, separate? Why would you want that? Oooh… Well, if that would make you feel more comfortable. Of course I have whipped cream. Yea, chocolate syrup too. Why yes, I would love that. Just one moment. Have a great night everybody!!! Enjoy the Big Game!!!

Catcher in the Pie

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So many things going on around me…and yet FAR around me. Vinny’s starting with Pull Ups this week, Kairi’s asking about the differences between alligators & crocodiles, friends & family all over the states are in personal & financial woe, and I want nothing more than to be there for them…and yet I’m here in a winter wonderland able to only offer my moral support and a kind ear to cry on. I want to do so much more…and be there for them in person on every whim…but I don’t have an airlines hookup (yet). Sigh… I just hope you all know how much I care about all of you. Before it gets too sappy up in here, here’s some more news bits…

Salinger’s Lost Novels? – As many of you have I’m sure heard, J.D. Salinger, the author of perhaps the latest great American novel “Catcher in the Rye” passed away last week at the age of 91. He supposedly spent the latter half of his life writing for his own pleasure, composing each day in a pine house in the hills that overlooked towering maple trees, plowed hay fields and the neighboring mountains of Vermont. Apparently we’re both mountain men. He lived here for more than 50 years and continued to publish throughout his first decade in Cornish, releasing such fiction as "Franny and Zooey" and "Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction." But while he surely appreciated a setting that was "nice and peaceful," a wish Holden Caulfield expressed in "Catcher," Salinger was essentially a cosmopolitan author who set much of his fiction on campuses and in his native New York City and the surrounding area.
The book world knows no greater mystery than what Salinger might have written since he stopped sharing his work with the public in the 1960s. Former neighbor Jerry Burt has said, and continues to say, that Salinger told him he was keeping a stack of manuscripts in a safe. Salinger's daughter, Margaret, and a former Salinger lover, Joyce Maynard, have also claimed he had a secret stash at home. With his longtime literary agency, Harold Ober Associates, Inc., declining comment on any possible unreleased work, rumors of what Salinger wrote in his later New Hampshire life range from meditations on nutrition to continued adventures of the Glass family featured in much of his published work. But had he chosen to take on his immediate world, in Cornish, there would have been much — in the present and in the past — to inspire him. He might have responded to the books about him, to the memoirs by his daughter and by Maynard that cast him as a crank and recluse in his Cornish years, an image foreign to the amiable and unassuming townsman fellow residents had encountered. He might have chronicled his public life: the roast beef dinners at a church in nearby Windsor, Vermont; the Sunday trips (a little past 9 a.m., like clockwork, recalled neighbor Elizabeth Church) into town to buy The New York Times; visits to the auto shop and general store; the restoration overseen by Salinger's wife, Colleen, of an old barn down the road. "We kept hearing all the garbage about how weird he was," says Salinger neighbor and former state senator Peter Burling. "But he was a good neighbor completely integrated into the town, with a real appreciation for young people. When we were kids, we used to have picnics out on his fields and he never seemed to mind." Salinger might have looked to the past. Cornish once was an artist colony that included founder Augustus Saint-Gaudens, the Beaux-Arts sculptor known for his Civil War generals and a bronze statue of Diana in New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, and a novelist-painter named Winston Churchill who was later confused with the statesman of the same name, a standoff settled when the British Churchill agreed to use his middle initial "S." Salinger might have tried to capture in words Cornish painter Maxfield Parrish's winterish-blue landscapes, or been intrigued by painter George de Forest Brush's decision to live in a teepee on the grounds of Saint-Gaudens' home. Or he might have embellished on recent headlines. In the Cornish hills was a true-to-life "phony" worthy of Caulfield's scorn, a German immigrant born Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter who called himself Clark Rockefeller and pretended to be part of the billionaire clan. In neighboring Plainfield lived Ed and Elaine Brown, who saw no good reason to pay federal taxes, a belief they acted upon by secluding themselves and building a defense of booby traps and .50-caliber sniper rifles. "It's funny that so many people were focused on Salinger when you had these other incredible events going on," says Elizabeth Church, Salinger's neighbor.

Here’s the thing: Why are we speculating? The way I see it, if he wanted us to know what he was writing about (if anything) then we would’ve let us know long ago. He may have believed like some other writers out there that the written word can move nations and inspire others for generations and live on long after our mortal bodies have failed us…but then again, maybe he just wanted to keep to himself. He may have written incredible novels that transcend time and the human condition…or he might’ve kept a journal that sounded more like bullet points and gibberish that only makes sense to him (see my blog and/or journal). Look, he wrote one of the great literary works of all time…and then decided that he didn’t want to join the literary machine or something…so he went off to his dream home in the woods to do as he pleased. He could’ve written erotica about his neighbor Elizabeth or a children’s book about a retarded raccoon or a cookbook where the secret ingredient is soylent green or the tales of a man who’s sent back through time to defend the mother of the future leader of the human resistance from a half-man half-robot named Weapon Kickass. You never know…and perhaps we never will. What right do we have to know what his hopes & dreams were unless he allowed us access to them? Get a search warrant for that if you can, officer. I don’t know. Yeah, it would be cool to know what a great mind like that was thinking as he progressed through age & experience. I mean…Catcher in the Rye is the quintessential coming-of-age novel (from what I’m told cuz I’m illiterate) so what if he’s written similar theses about adulthood, parenthood, the golden years, the platinum years, seeing the written word go from something of great respect & integrity like it was in the 50’s to the explosion of irresponsible social media that it is today. Oh yeah, I’m talking about me too. I can put whatever I want on this blog…and the entire world has the ability to read it (well, not those billions without internet access…but you get the point). Then again, maybe in the last few years he wrote down what seems like gibberish to us or how the damn neighbor kids keep trying to steal his pine cones. The point is (and yes I have a point) is it’s fun to speculate…but honestly, can it really be better than what we imagine for ourselves? Go forth and write your own “Catcher in the Rye” or whatever. That’s the way to keep his words alive forever. Just please don’t expect me to read it. I have a short attention span and probably not your demographic anyway.

Just Make It Illegal Already – I’m not a smoker. Never have been, probably never will be. Not that I judge people who do at all…but it’s just not my thing. Like reading or playing the lotto, hey, whatever works for you. However, sometimes I think that restrictions on cigarette smoking is just ridiculous. I’m not talking about things like banning in bars…or any building…or within 50 yards of any building…or within the peripheral vision of a minor anywhere…or whatever it is now. I’m talking about stuff they do in the UK like make the entire box something that says in giant font “CIGARETTES GIVE YOU CANCER” or whatever. No surgeon general’s warning or whatever the British equivalent is…just straight “this will kill you” on the package. Not only that…but it’s like ten bucks a pack (or 4 bits a fag or whatever the jargon is) to buy them. I don’t even think crack is that expensive…er ugh, so I’ve been told. Anyway, this next step is just too much. The UK government launched plans on Monday to halve the number of smokers by the end of the decade and said it would consider removing branding from cigarette packets and banning cigarette vending machines. At the moment, 21% of the population smoke and ministers want to reduce that figure to 10% by 2020 (so the end of NEXT decade then), with a particular focus on young people. "We've come so far and now we'll go even further -- to push forward and save even more lives," said Health Secretary Andy Burnham (who I’m picturing as 20 kilos overweight). "One day, in the not too distant future, we'll look back and find it hard to remember why anyone ever smoked in the first place." (To keep the snakes away?) The number of people lighting up in Britain has fallen by a quarter (25%, not American currency) in the past decade as a result of various policies including a ban on advertising, putting grisly pictures on packets and raising the age of sale for tobacco to 18 (from what? 12?). In 2007, the government joined several others throughout the world in introducing a ban on smoking in virtually all enclosed public places and workplaces. But despite falling smoking rates, the number of deaths attributed to smoking is still 80,000 a year. (Hmm, maybe it's something else in the air...like gas emissions...or your mom's cooking) Now restrictions will be reviewed to see if they should be extended to include entrances to buildings so non-smokers do not have to run a gauntlet of smokers. The government is looking at protecting children from second-hand smoke by promoting smoke-free homes and cars. Ministers are also to consider the case for plain packaging, and banning the sale of tobacco from vending machines as part of the moves to deter young people (and use that money on books? Didn’t think so). "Now that we've banned advertising and will soon see an end to attractive displays in shops, the only remaining method of advertising tobacco is the packaging. So we will carefully consider whether there is evidence for making tobacco companies use plain packets."

I want to punch this guy. I’m not even a smoker…but he’s f**king up my mood. I know what he’s trying to do really…and it’s quite brilliant and douchey at the same time. He wants there to be no packaging…so that people purchase their cigarettes (wherever the hell that may be in the near future) based solely on price. About that time, a particular brand comes along for only 3 Euros a pack where everything else is 6-7 Euros. Of course those are going to be bought by people who want a relaxing smoke, especially after an hour drive out of town to the nearest authorized tobacco dealer in their shire. Little do they know, that this particular brand is merely a mix of some horrible English tobacco and goat fodder wrapped in a Kleenex or something…and the smoker is quickly disgusted at the horrible experience. They become violently ill…and have that stigma every time they light up from then on. Or maybe I’m completely wrong, they say f**k it…and go straight to marijuana, cocaine, crack, meth, oxycotin, loritabs, or whatever else they can get their hands on that are much cheaper and much more dangerous. People who smoke are just going to want to smoke. Why? Maybe it relaxes them, maybe they want to be a rebel, maybe they like the idea of a slow agonizing death, maybe they savor the flavor, maybe the cartoon camel told them to do it, maybe they want to look cool like James Bond (oh yeah, I said it). What I seriously doubt is that is was because somebody smoked a cigarette in the same building as them, or twenty meters away out on a street corner, or even because their parents did. Hell, one of the main reasons that I don’t smoke is because I’ve seen what it does to family & friends, just with shortness of breath. Now, I’m not Nick Naylor (though I hope to one day be as cool as him) but basically my opinion is this. If you’re wanting to regulate every single thing about something perfectly legal that could potentially kill someone (whether it’s cigarettes, alcohol, guns, knives, pornography…though I’m not sure how it could kill you, cheddar cheese, cellular phones, professional wrestling, standing on your head, hugs, kisses, dreams, unicorn horns or whatever else) then just make it illegal…and expect people to find other ways to relax or get the fix that they need. Here’s an idea for everybody with authority. Focus on education and raising your own f**king kids than pushing your values on me. AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, UTAH!!!

Wow, sorry. I ugh…just got back from the DMV for (God willing) the fourth time...and I'm due at least once more. Yeah, the BS cycle continued…and my loan was in jeopardy because of it…so yeah, f**k regulation. Do the paperwork right the first time so I don’t have to spend the next two months making up for your mistakes…and work different hours than I do…and be open on Fridays. See, if I were a smoker, and I had to go to the DMV between 9 AM & 4 PM Monday through Thursday to get a cigarette, I probably would’ve quit by now instead of just let out a tremendously rank flatulence that I’ve been holding inside all day at the desk when they said I had to come back earlier next time. “No, thank you. Enjoy the country air, b**ch.” Okay, I’m off my soap box for today. This is why I don't bother a lot of you with my troubles...but I like to help with yours. It distracts me. Have a great day everybody!!!

Sex Lives of the Potato Men

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I’m feeling MUCH better today. I think the nine hours or Nyquil induced sleep had something to do with it (started to wear off about 4 AM but Gatorade helped with the headache after that). Basically I just woke up this morning feeling a little hung over or something…but after a shower & a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, I was good to go. Not a whole lot going on with me in the meantime. My dad went to see “The Pink Floyd Experience” at Kingsbury Hall yesterday (told you that was probably what was playing when I was conceived) and said it was pretty good. My brother was fired because…well, they didn’t have to give a real reason really…but I’m sure that gas station is gonna go downhill without him…and he needed a push to get a better job anyway. So no worries there. I’ve just been sick. I guess I’ll just get on with the news or something.

Worst Movies Ever - Hollywood star George Clooney's latest movie "Up In The Air" garnered five Oscar nominations on Tuesday but there is one film about which he may not be so proud -- "Batman and Robin." The 1997 movie starring Clooney as the caped crusader with Chris O'Donnell as Robin and Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl came top in an online survey by film magazine Empire to find the most disastrous film ever made. Clooney has not been shy about belittling the film and his role in it. The magazine said it did not just come top in voters' rankings but got almost three times as many votes as the next entry -- John Travolta's science-fiction "Battlefield Earth" which was a film adaptation of a novel by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Here is a list of the top 10 of Empire's list of the 50 most disastrous movies ever made with the rest available on Empire's website (http://www.empireonline.com/):

1. "Batman and Robin" (1997) – I agree, this was REALLY bad. I saw it once in theatres when it came out…and never again. Joel Schumacher f**ked up Batman…and that’s hard to do. Even the Adam West classic “Batman: The Movie” had more story integrity…and it had Bat Shark Repellant & a Foam Rubber Wholesale Convention in it. Glad that George Clooney was able to turn his career around. Arnold Schwarzenegger made a career change. Alicia Silverstone & Chris O’Donnell had to go to TV after this. I would agree.


2. "Battlefield Earth" (2000) starring John Travolta – Have never seen it, don’t intend to.


3. "The Love Guru" (2008) with Mike Myers – Never seen it, don’t intend to. However, I do have to give credit to a movie that got away with saying “C**tface” on all the previews.


4. "Raise the Titanic" (1980) with Jason Robards & Alec Guinness – Never even heard of this one…but it’s about a covert operation to salvage the Titanic for a US military defense system.


5. "Epic Movie" (2007) – Really all of these (blank) Movies that aren’t Scary Movie should never be made.


6. "Heaven's Gate" (1980) – A western starring Kris Kristofferson & Christopher Walken. Never seen it.


7. "Sex Lives of the Potato Men" (2004) – Ever just know a movie’s going to suck by the title? It’s an English movie about potato delivery men and their active fantasy sex lives. See? Exactly what you thought it would be.


8. "The Happening" (2008) – A lot of you got conned into seeing this in theatres…and for that, I apologize. Mark Wahlberg is a pretty good actor. Zooey Deschanel isn’t even that bad. Poor M. Night Shamalayan started with “The Sixth Sense” and has gone downhill ever since. The same thing happened with Orson Welles. It’s not his fault, right?


9. "Highlander 2: The Quickening" (1991) – Actually, I think this one should be much higher on the list. I love the Highlander movies…and the TV spin-offs. Yet when this movie came out after the first movie was so badass…and basically said, “By the way, the Highlanders are aliens from the planet Ziest…and the ozone is gone…and the One is old now because there is only One…but when other Ziestians show up, he’s the Highlander again…and Sean Connery’s back too…but in flashbacks.” I know…and how could a movie starring Michael Ironsides suck? But it did.


10. "The Room" (2003) – Never heard of it. Black comedy about love, passion & betrayal apparently…but who cares?
    
    

However, I want to hear YOUR suggestions…for the worst movies ever. Was there a movie that made your blood boil it was so bad? A movie that made your heart ache in all the wrong ways? Made you violently ill with all the inexplicable violence or plot twists? I’m expecting a lot of Arnie movies to be mentioned…but hey, let me know what you think.

Birthday = Sports Success? - Could you be the next David Beckham or Michael Jordan? Or for you ladies out there, ugh…Serena Williams or ugh…Venus Williams? An Australian researcher has found your chances of becoming a professional sportsperson could depend on your birthday. Senior research fellow Adrian Barnett from Queensland University of Technology's Institute of Health and Biomedical Innovation found that a person's birth month could determine their health and fitness. The results of the study are published in a book, "Analyzing Seasonal Health Data," which Barnett co-authored with researcher Annette Dobson from the University of Queensland. Barnett analyzed the birthdays of professional Australian Football League (the AFL that hasn’t folded) players and found a disproportionate number had their birthdays in the early months of the year, while a fewer number were born in the later months, especially December. The Australian school year begins in January. "Children who are taller have an obvious advantage when playing the football code of AFL," Barnett said in a statement issued by the book's publishers, Springer. "If you were born in January, you have almost 12 months' growth ahead of your classmates born late in the year, so whether you were born on December 31st or January 1st could have a huge effect on your life." Barnett found there were 33% more professional AFL players than expected with birthdays in January and 25% fewer in December. He said the results mirrored other international studies which found a link between being born near the start of school year and the chances of becoming a professional player in the sports of ice hockey, football, volleyball and basketball. "Research in the UK shows those born at the start of the school year also do better academically and have more confidence. And with physical activity being so important, it could also mean smaller children get disheartened and play less sport. If smaller children are missing out on sporting activity then this has potentially serious consequences for their health in adulthood." Barnett said this seasonal pattern could also result in wasted talent, with potential sports stars not being identified because they were competing against children who were much more physically advanced than them. He said a possible solution was for one of the sporting codes in Australia to change the team entry date from January 1 to July 1. Okay, so that study really didn’t prove anything except children that have had more time to mature compared to their classmates are usually more confident and have better coordination and whatnot. Big surprise. Sorry to put you through all that. I thought it was gonna be something like Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Hank Aaron & Babe Ruth are all Aquarius…but Harry S. Truman, Saddam Hussein, Karl Marx & Hitler are all Taurus…so that’s why you’re an evil dictator instead of competing in the NBA All-Star game next week, $teve!!! Anyway, maybe they should focus on that with their studies.

Tastes Like Kiwi - A New Zealand teenager who says she auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise tuition money did not break any laws but it might be risky for her to follow through on the deal, police warned Wednesday. The anonymous 19-year-old student offered her virginity to the highest bidder on the Web site www.ineed.co.nz under the name "Unigirl," saying she would use the money to pay for her tuition. She said in a post that more than 30,000 people had viewed her ad and more than 1,200 had made bids before she accepted an offer of more than New Zealand dollars 45,000 ($32,000). Unlike similar New Zealand Web sites, bidding and correspondence between buyers and sellers on the ineed site is private so it is not known what bids Unigirl's offer received. Web site owner Ross McKenzie said the site's policy was that as long as an ad was legal and did not offend the general standards of society, "it was OK." He confirmed Unigirl was a member on the site. Prostitution is legal in New Zealand under laws considered more liberal than many countries. Prostitution among consenting adults is allowed in brothels and on the streets, and offering sexual services in print ads and online is also legal. (Who wants to go to New Zealand?) National police spokesman Jon Neilson said no law appeared to have been breached. But "we would suggest it's not a safe practice," Neilson told The Associated Press. "There are definitely issues of personal safety" in using chat rooms, social dating networks and other Internet sites that can be used to arrange meetings between strangers. Really? Unigirl, in her initial post, described herself as attractive, fit and healthy. She did not post a photograph of herself, and bidders did not appear to have a way of confirming any of the details of her posts. Unigirl said she was desperate for money to pay university fees. "I am offering my virginity by tender to the highest bidder as long as all personal safety aspects are observed. This is my decision made with full awareness of the circumstances and possible consequences." The internet has increasingly been used for offering and arranging sex services, and security concerns have quickly followed. In the United States, 23-year-old former medical student Philip Markoff has pleaded not guilty to killing a masseuse he met on the Craigslist classified advertising site, and raping a stripper and robbing another woman he met in the same way. Virginity has also been offered for sale online. British newspapers reported last week that a 16-year-old girl in Ireland had offered to sell her virginity on an online classified advertising site but recanted after a reporter posing as a bidder identified himself as from the media. A 22-year-old student in San Diego says she has received bids of up to $3.7 million for her virginity, which is being offered for sale through a brothel in Nevada, CNN reported. Last year, a Philadelphia woman was charged with promoting prostitution after posting an ad online offering sex for tickets to a World Series baseball game (now that’s a Phillies fan). Catherine Healy of the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective, a group that represents sex workers on health and rights issues, said the New Zealand teenager had entered into sex work by offering herself online. "The amount of money is absolutely huge — and that puts her under enormous pressure to perform all sorts of acts," she said. But Healy said it was also possible that the successful bidder wanted to "save" the teenager and would not ask her to have sex (hey anything’s possible…and I’m sure Peter Jackson’s a nice guy. Oops, sorry to give away his identity). She said the teenager would still have the right to refuse to have sex with the bidder if she changed her mind, and that the bidder could claim his money back. You know, I hope this works out for this sweet Kiwi. Why? Because I want her to have an education. I want you ALL to have an education. Unfortunately, it seems that sometimes to get what you want (or need) you have to literally sell yourself for it. However, if you can get a four-year scholarship to a fine university for a few minutes of awkward discomfort (and probably a little pain) then maybe it’s worth it. It’s definitely easier than getting anything done in Congress apparently.

Panda Update - Chinese zookeepers are advertising for a tutor to teach Chinese to an American-born giant panda arriving this week in her parents' homeland. The language lessons, a special diet and even blind dates are also part of the red-carpet welcome being rolled out for 3-year-old Mei Lan (“Beautiful Orchid”) by Chinese caretakers ahead of her arrival Friday on a special FedEx flight from the U.S. Under a deal between China and the U.S., all giant pandas originally from China are only lent out to foreign zoos for scientific study for several years. They and any cubs they produce must all return to China eventually. Determined to help Mei Lan adapt more quickly to her new life, the caretakers at her new home, the Chengdu Panda Breeding Research Center in the southwestern province of Sichuan, are recruiting a language teacher via the Internet. Mei Lan has lived at a zoo in Atlanta, Georgia, since her birth in 2006. "Mei Lan has been living in the United States since she was born, and she must be unfamiliar with Chinese," Huang Xiangming, director of the center's animal management department, told the official Xinhua News Agency. The center has set up a Web site on the popular Internet portal Sina.com for Mei Lan, detailing the qualifications for a volunteer teacher: a bachelor's degree or higher, no history of infectious disease and good command of both English and Chinese. "She will be taught Chinese with a Sichuan dialect, because people here all speak Sichuan dialect. She will become familiar with some simple phrases," Cui Kai, a staffer at the panda research center, told The Associated Press. "For example, she will be taught the phrases for going back to the cage or coming out from the dormitory." (She needs an interpreter for that? How about a whip or a carrot?) Mei Lan will also have to gradually get used to her new Chinese diet. "We have asked the American zookeepers to bring Mei Lan's favorite biscuits (mmm biscuits & gravy), but we will gradually use Chinese 'wotou' (steamed bread made of corn and sorghum) and fresh bamboo to replace biscuits," Huang said. Mei Lan will be housed in a special suite during an initial quarantine period, which all pandas from overseas undergo. Then, her caretakers hope to introduce her to a potential mate. Panda fans are being asked to help choose a "boyfriend" for Mei Lan. The Web page set up for her introduces eight prospective candidates, including pandas named Superman Kobe and Yong Yong, or Doubly Brave. It includes short videos of the potential suitors in action (WHAT?), usually munching on bamboo (oh…), and asks voters to choose the most compatible based on their appearance and behavior. The public's votes notwithstanding, panda experts will have the final say on which one is the best match for Mei Lan. Giant pandas are known for being sexually inactive, and they are among the world's most endangered animals. It is unclear if similar plans are under way for Tai Shan, a 4-year-old male panda who arrives on the same flight as Mei Lan. Tai Shan was born in Washington D.C.'s National Zoo, and he will be moving to the Bifengxia Breeding Base in Ya'an, another panda breeding center in Sichuan. So yeah, go on that website and vote for Mei Lan’s mate. Or not. Seriously, an interpreter for a panda? Even I think that’s a little kooky…and I first learned German as a kid by commanding a German Shepherd. (RIP Sam, X & Zurich) It’s not the gorilla from “Congo” is it? Then we don’t need to know what it thinks. “Why won’t you tax that panda ass, Superman Kobe?” “Kobe. Want. Raindrop. Drink.” “No more sake for you until we get twins.” “Beauty-full. Orchid. No. Tickle. Egg roll.” “Sigh… Sometimes I think they want to be extinct.”

Apocalypse Prequel – As you know, I’m keeping a close eye on the number one threat to our very existence – Snakes. However, a pretty smart person once said that those who don’t study the past are doomed to repeat it…and with that in mind, this story peaked my keen intellectual interest. The largest snake the world has ever known likely had a diet that included crocodile, or at least an ancient relative of the reptile. Scientists have discovered a 60-million-year-old ancient crocodile fossil, which has been named a new species, in northern Columbia, South America. The site, which is also one of the world's largest open-pit coal mines, also yielded skeletons of the giant boa constrictor-like Titanoboa, which measured up to 45 feet long (14 m). Crocodyliforms are extinct reptiles that are distant relatives of modern crocodiles and alligators. "We're starting to flesh out the fauna that we have from there," said study author Alex Hastings, a graduate student at the Florida Museum of Natural History. The skull and other specimens used in the study show the newly discovered species, named Cerrejonisuchus improcerus, grew only 6 to 7 feet long (about 2 m), making it easy prey for Titanoboa. Clearly this new fossil would have been part of the food-chain, both as predator and prey," said Jonathan Bloch, a Florida Museum vertebrate paleontologist and associate curator. "Giant snakes today are known to eat crocodylians, and it is not much of a reach to say Cerrejonisuchus would have been a frequent meal for Titanoboa. Fossils of the two are often found side-by-side," added Bloch, who was part of the fossil-hunting expeditions. Indeed, anacondas have been documented consuming caimans (reptiles in the same family as crocodiles) in the Amazon. The new croc species is the smallest member of Dyrosauridae, a family of now-extinct crocodyliforms. Dyrosaurids typically grew to about 18 feet and had long tweezer-like snouts for eating fish. By contrast, the newly discovered species had a much shorter snout, indicating a more generalized diet that likely included frogs, lizards, small snakes and possibly mammals. Scientists previously believed dyrosaurids diversified in the Paleogene, the period of time following the mass extinction of dinosaurs. But this study reinforces the view that much of their diversity was in place before the mass extinction event, Brochu said. Somehow dyrosaurids survived the mass extinction intact while other marine reptile groups, such as mosasaurs and plesiosaurs, died out completely.

So what does this all have to do with the Apocalypse? Well, let’s see. Titanoboas used to eat crocodiles as tasty treats…but who’s to say that they didn’t crush, eat, digest & expunge basically any dinosaur smaller than a bus? You’ve all seen the shows. When a paleontologist digs up a dinosaur, they’re lucky that it’s intact. Most of the bones are broken…and some experts say it’s because of erosion & pressure over millions of years…but I say it’s because it was crushed, consumed and passed through the anus of a Titanoboa. “But $teve, what about the dinosaurs bigger than a bus?” With their food source depleted by these insatiable slithery serpents, they died off from starvation…or turned to cannibalism…or maybe when they tried to take out the Titanoboas they were merely strangled and left to rot, being too large to swallow whole. “Then why haven’t we seen too many bones of these Titanoboas?” Because they’re in the ocean now. I’ve got an answer for everything. Don’t even try to question my logic. What does this mean about the future? Watch out for those giant pythons growing in the Everglades. Today, they’re already eating deer, crocodiles and small children…but it’s only a matter of time before they move on to adults, bears & cows…and grow even larger than their current 20-25 foot length. How? Boa constrictors are born and reproducing in about the time it takes humans to learn to crap in a porcelain tank and not directly into their diapers. Anyway, just a theory completely backed by fact. Do with it what you will.

Fortune Cookie of the Day – “Before an Evening of Romance, Turn Off the Cell Phone…in bed” – Hmm, I figured that she would’ve enjoyed the vibrating sensation. Seriously, is this what fortunes have come to? I don’t consult fortune cookies for everyday tips. I consult them for the sage-like wisdom & timeless perspectives. There were no cell phones in ancient China. There was no, “Confucius say…to find out whose call you missed, just press *69” or anything like that. Don’t give me that. I know to turn the cell phone off when I want to focus my attention of my damie. Hell, even gimme something like “When she asks if it makes her look fat, it’s a trap. Tell her she has beautiful eyes.” I don’t need helpful hints for around the house like “Change your oil every 3000 miles.” Thanks but no thanks.

So on that high note, I guess I’ll leave you all be for the evening. Hopefully this cold will stay away & I can just rest easy tonight without the aid of Nyquil. Hopefully you find your sage-like wisdom from this blog rather than bits of paper found in your favorite Asian dessert (though seriously, Asians have no idea what fortune cookies are, they originated in San Francisco). I hope you all have a wonderful evening…and if it’s an evening of romance, turn off the cell phone…but not before they show up at your doorstep. Communication is the key. Have a great night everybody!!!

Six More Weeks

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O-69, O-69 - BINGO!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend was pretty good. Beautiful days with clear sunny skies, I got my taxes taken care of (though paid a LOT more than I wanted to have them done thanks to three W-2’s from three different states), made some crab cakes, laundry, helped out at the rec center with the Senior Night Bingo Fundraiser, met some wonderfully sweet elderly ladies (who thought I was 16), saw one of the most beautiful full moons ever with stars all over the sky too, just a pretty good weekend overall, even though I’m a little under the weather since yesterday morning. I’m sure it’s just a 24 hour bug or something. Other than that, not a whole lot to talk about on my behalf…so I guess I’ll just go to the news…

Cash Back Bonus!!! - A Georgia man got more than he bargained for when he bought a car from a towing company late last year. Officials with the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office said Thursday that Tye Kuykendall found $200,000 in counterfeit money inside a hidden compartment behind the back seat of the car. Authorities said Kuykendall bought the car after it sat for more than three years in an impound yard after being towed by Fulton County police in 2006. Authorities said he was fixing a gas leak when he discovered the secret compartment. Cherokee officials have called the U.S. Secret Service to help with the case. You gotta love those drug-runner cars with the secret compartments. I bought a Chevy Beretta when I was a young man (her name was Glory because she was a composite of three Berettas that were red, white & blue) and there were about five different compartments in her from the previous owner. Very handy for additional storage space though, you know like…emergency kits & tools. No, I didn’t stumble upon a few kilos of anything. Apparently the used car lot had cleaned it out…but it’s always a heart-racing surprise. Anyway, just thought I’d share that with you…and reminisce about Glory for a few minutes. Lots of zany little stories of roadtrips in that ride.

Pastor Packs Pistol - The son of a well-known Alcoa, Tennessee pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument at a church over his lack of church attendance (I’m sure brandishing a firearm will help). The order of protection was filed by 32-year-old Michael Louis Colquitt against 60-year-old Joe Colquitt, pastor of St. John Missionary Baptist Church. The younger man told police his father pulled out a handgun when they met at the church to discuss church attendance. He told officers his father pointed the gun at him and threatened to kill him, his wife and family…unless he shows up to church. Joe Colquitt declined to comment when contacted by The Daily Times of Maryville. A February 4th hearing was set in Blount County General Sessions Court. You know, this just sounds so bizarre. Threatening someone to go to church? Now, I’m sure it works with threatening to ground a kid or take away their X-Box or something…but pulling a gun on somebody and referring to scriptures? If it didn’t work for Jules Winfield, it’s not going to work for Joe Colquitt. Maybe there’s another angle to this story that the press isn’t releasing. Having watched five seasons of “Supernatural” I know that a few situations can be taken out of context. Maybe the younger Colquitt was possessed by a demon…and the elder had a special gun with silver bullets that can kill anything. Luckily, Sam & Dean stormed in, laid down a Latin ditty & saved them just in the nick of time…and the younger Colquitt’s superhot wife (probably played by Jewel Straite) was grateful…and they sped off in their muscle car to “Heat of the Moment” just before the cops showed up. I know what you’re thinking…and no, I don’t write for that show.

GOOOOOOL!!! – So…some people like soccer…and some people REALLY like soccer. The week when Barcelona thrashed Real Madrid and sealed their place in the Champions League final has prompted a surge in births in the Catalan capital of almost 50%, according to a survey by a local radio station (so it has to be true). Nine months since Barca's 6-2 home win over their arch- rivals and Andres Iniesta's stunning late strike which took them through to the final at the expense of the Chelsea team, maternity hospitals are struggling to cope with demand for beds. A survey by COMRadio showed that births this week and those expected next week are 45% higher than the average. "When we notice some sort of surge we look for the reason and it's evident that the cause of the increase this week is the euphoria of Barca fans thanks to the huge win and Iniesta's goal," El Mundo newspaper quoted Mercedes Rodriguez of the city's Quiron Clinic as saying. The babies are popularly known in Barcelona as "the Iniesta generation." So have you had the awkward conversation with your parents about your conception yet? I know I asked ya a few weeks ago to ask. Don’t worry, I know it’ll be weird…and that’s the point. If you can talk about that, then you can talk about anything. I know certain aspects of mine that I’ve discussed before, like in the backseat of a Ford Mustang Cobra (brown & yellow by the way), and that it was after a long hot exhausting day of Pioneer Day parades & barbecues (hence why my parents were too tired to protect) and nobody seems to recall if there was music…but knowing my dad, it was probably a Pink Floyd tape…or heck, it was probably an 8-track. Maybe it was his Boston 8-track that I still have. Oh man, could I have been conceived to “Foreplay / Long Time” or “More Than A Feeling” or “Amanda”? Yeah, I’m gonna stick with that…and not others in his former collection like Queen, Alice Cooper or BTO. What’s my point? I forget. Oh yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if your story was something like, “Well sweetie, the Raiders had just won the Super Bowl…and I thought I’d do a little raiding of my own. Your mom was a little hesitant at first…but I promised to clean out the garage the following weekend, so she conceded. Nine months later, we had a beautiful baby girl…who we named Marcie…after Marcus Allen.” Okay, that’s a horrible example…but hey, you don’t pay me to make sense. Just trust me, ask your parents about it. It’ll help to prepare when your kids ask you someday…and you know they will, because they’ll probably read my blog.

Fox Update – So, remember those Razzies that I talk about every once in a while? Like the Oscars…but for futility instead of greatness? Well, the latest list of candidates came out…and sadly, Miss Fox made the list TWICE for her acting in “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and “Jennifer’s Body” this past year. The Transformers sequel was nominated for Worst Picture along with Will Ferrell’s “Land of the Lost”, Sandra Bullock's romance "All About Steve" (which I’m sure it wasn’t nearly as great as the name would indicate), the action tale "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" and the Robin Williams-John Travolta comedy "Old Dogs." Bullock earned a worst-actress nomination for "All About Steve" but she's expected to score an Academy Award nomination Tuesday for her hit drama "The Blind Side." "She could be the first person ever to win a Razzie and an Oscar in the same weekend," said John Wilson, founder of the Golden Raspberry Awards, now in their 30th year of singling out Hollywood's low points. Winners will be announced March 6, the night before the Oscars. Razzie voters also are making worst-of-the-decade picks. The worst-picture nominees are Travolta's "Battlefield Earth," Tom Green's "Freddy Got Fingered," Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's "Gigli," Lindsay Lohan's "I Know Who Killed Me" and Madonna's "Swept Away." Affleck and Travolta are up for worst actor of the decade, along with Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers and Rob Schneider. Lohan, Lopez and Madonna are nominated for the decade's worst actress, along with Mariah Carey and Paris Hilton (oddly enough, Lohan’s the only one that would have actress listed first on her resume). Wilson said the worst-actress category probably would come down to Hilton and Lohan, while "Eddie Murphy I would guess would be pretty hard to beat as worst actor of the decade." Razzie 2009 nominees also include Miley Cyrus, her dad Billy Ray, the Jonas Brothers, the cast of “Twilight: New Moon”, Beyonce for “Obsessed” and of course Eddie Murphy for “Imagine That” among others. Even Steve Martin was nominated for “Pink Panther 2.” I think they just have a grudge against Eddie Murphy…but I can’t say much. I haven’t watched a movie of his since “Norbit” and I actually liked it a little. Anyway, you can check out the website to see other nominees for screenwriting and whatever…but it’s mostly the same movies. I don’t think Miss Fox has to worry about winning any Razzies though. She’s not horrible. It’s not her fault that the movies she’s in are…well, usually pretty bad. I’m hoping this next year will bring great fortune for her with “Jonah Hex”, “Passion Play”, “The Crossing” (mmm…smuggling) and “Fathom” but…I think that it’ll all come full circle when she finally gets the opportunity to play Mother Teresa. Oh yeah… It’ll happen.

Anyway, enough of my dream works, still a little under the weather so I’ll call it a day and rest & relax with my Barry White voice. So if any of you ladies want a sexy baritone treat, feel free to gimme a call. Have a great night everybody!!!