Boobies Must Be Warm At All Times

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I HAVE A PLACE TO STAY IN LAKE TAHOE!!! Long story short, after checking out over a dozen places, and finding out a few others were for ski leases only, and after finding out others were already rented out, and calling on a bunch of roommates opportunities, and finding out that some apartment places have waiting lists more than a year in advance, the place that I ended up going for was found just driving around a neighborhood that I was interested in that was convenient to my new job. Basically, it's as close as I can get to my new job without being independently wealthy. First though, do you want me to go over some of the other options? Maybe teach ya a little bit about the area that I'll be living? No? Well, I'm gonna show you a few pictures anyway, just because I'm really excited about this...and I feel like I should share the majesty of the North Lake Tahoe, Truckee, King's Beach, Northstar area with you...so that maybe you'll come visit...especially you ladies during those long, cold winter nights. By the way, did I mention that I have a fireplace? And the starlight is almost blinding there?

Saturday, I flew into Reno (biggest little city in the world), picked up my G6 rental car and made way to hotel where I would spend the first night, the Hampton Inn Truckee. Nice place...and the staff was more than accommodating (and I'm pretty sure that the cutie at the front desk was checking me out a few times...and that may have played into it). When their business center computer was on the fritz, they let me use there's in the back-of-house office area to check on locations in the area. Also, the breakfast was pretty good too. I highly recommend them...especially since they don't have a whole lot of competition right there in the immediate Truckee area. Now, for a little background on the city of Truckee, California, located just off I-80 about thirty minutes west of Reno, directly north of Lake Tahoe. It's basically a small quiet mountain town with a Historic Downtown with a few restaurants, bars, art galleries located along the Truckee River...and train tracks run right along the main street, Donner Pass Road. There are also neighborhoods that range from trailer parks to low income housing to condos to luxurious log cabins to million dollar homes. The best part is though, you can hardly tell from how beautiful the surroundings are. I think there's only like 15,000 people in the city. Pretty small town feel and everything. This is my new home, or rather center of operations. I spent the day driving around town to get familiar with the streets (before the walls of snow come into play) and setting up appointments to check out places. Even saw one later in the day...but it would require me to have roommates...and was a bit out of the way. Here are some pictures...

First place, not bad...but needed roommates to afford

Oh yeah, that's diamond plated cabinets

The hot tub would've been nice...

Outhouses? Nope. Storage.

Sunday, I woke up nice & early, had a hearty breakfast and set out to find a home. My first few stops were in the King's Beach area. Now, King's Beach...is pretty cool. It's located on the northern shore of Lake Tahoe with, as the name would imply, plenty of beached recreation areas. The housing is...a little lower scale. It's not horrible by any means...but it's the more affordable area of town. It kind of looks like where there was once a campground with little individual cabins...that were converted into homes. A lot of small motels, A-frame homes, pretty basic homes...but like I said, it's affordable and located right on the northern shore. The one drawback really...was the steep drive up Northstar Mountain that I would have to do everyday (ala Parley's Canyon to get to Park City) whereas Truckee has a more horizontal approach. Here are some pictures...

Best thing about this area

The Beach is a few blocks away

This was a close one, favorite in King's Beach

Met neighbor Patty & her dog too

Then I was shown a few VERY small places

Later in the day, I met up with new Boss Lady B for the first time...and she's just AWESOME!!! She's a spunky, funny Kiwi who was really excited to get to know me, help me find a place, cooked me dinner TWICE, made sure that I had a clean bed to sleep in and...just AWESOME!!! She also had a black lab mix named Sadie...and she really liked me too. What can I say? B**ches love me. After meeting her & Sadie for the first time, I looked at a few more properties...and here are those pictures...

Saw two of the exact same layout but different prices

This one was on Northstar Mountain but

was furnished...apparently for an elderly couple

Monday, I woke up with a good feeling. I hadn't really found anything that was a sureshot for a new home...but I had more to see...and I just had a good feeling. You know how it is, right? Anyway, I continued my search...and stumbled upon a For Rent sign by a place on the list...and it proved to be intriguing. Anyway, here are the pictures...

Love that this sign was up at my new job

Now you know about the entry title

Sawmill Heights - Very small accommodations

Typically for temporary workers in the area

Affordable though...so it was high on the list

These next two pictures...are the entire studio

This one had an open layout...but a major 70's feel to it

Also, I'm not sure if this was supposed to be

storage or a loft for a twin bed...but it's the only window

Ready to see my new apartment?

Pretty standard kitchen

Nice, big living room...with a fireplace...

...and a BIG DECK!!!

The bedrooms aren't big...but big enough...and deck access

So basically, after all that research & investigation, I ended up going with a place that I just kind of stumbled upon driving around the neighborhood I was interested in. It just goes to show, it all happens for a reason. So I'm really excited to get over there and get started with my new job and my new surroundings. I'm absolutely going to miss Slick City...and my current job...and my family & friends who all live here...but I'll be visiting when I get the chance. I want to see my niece & nephew grow up. I want to see my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, all of them...but I'm just needing to progress in this career of mine and, times being what they are, apparently I have to move to ski resort towns and hang out with snow bunnies. It's a rough life but somebody has to live it. Besides, now you all have a hookup in Lake Tahoe. Have a great day everybody!!!

Roaming Gnome Looks For Home

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well...holy crap, I've been busy since this whole Lake Tahoe thing came to happen. Let's see, ugh...there was telling everybody about it on Wednesday. Yesterday, I walked about five miles for the kids with the CMN Torch Relay, which was a lot of fun...and for a good cause...but yeah, it was a lot of walking...but we got a hot dog for lunch so it wasn't bad. Big thanks to all who donated (and the rest of you are just evil). After that, I worked...by which I mean I multitasked trying to get things squared away for my impending move while still telling everybody about it and doing the job that I was being paid for splendidly. It's what I do so well. After work, I went to my dad's to talk about the move (of course) and arrange a pseudo-schedule. Then we were flipping through the channels and saw that the hometown Jazz were playing my favorite team, the San Antonio Spurs not two miles away. "Gee, wouldn't that be cool to go watch?" Well, after the first quarter, I decided that I had some work to do with packing, so I went back to my apartment. Upon walking in the door, I get a call from my Wingman...and apparently Wingman Jr was at the game with his high school checking out colleges in the area...and they had an extra ticket. Weird, right? So I walk over there (just two blocks from my apartment) and enjoy the rest of the game from the absolute top row behind Pistol Pete's number...but hey, a free seat is a free seat.

Today was even better. I've decided that this weekend, I needed to go see Lake Tahoe and find out where I'm going to live, otherwise whatever I do the next few days with packing may be meaningless. Luckily, Delta was having a last minute deal from SLC to Reno (45 minutes from Tahoe) so I booked that, scheduled a rental car, arranged to stay in my new boss' spare bedroom for a few nights and another at a motel in Truckee, made a list of places to check out in the area, mapped it out to a certain extent, oh...and all while I picked up my mom from the airport because she showed up three hours earlier than she told us she was, got my shifts covered on a moment's notice, informed more people about the plans and STILL did my job splendidly. I think I even worked meals into that. Pretty good day...and now I get to have a four-day "vacation" in my new home, meet my new boss & maybe a few other coworkers, find a wonderful apartment or townhouse, and enjoy the beautiful scenery that I will soon grow accustomed to. It should be fairly relaxing...but we shall see...and I'll be sure to keep you posted. I'd love to post pictures of the apartments for you to lend your advice ahead of time...but yeah, we'll see if that gets done before I sign something. It's kind of a short turnover...and if I know, I'll know.

So there's a quick wrap-up of the past few days. Now I'm off to Tahoe in the morning, find a place to live, back to Slick City on Tuesday, work & pack a few days, off to Vegas for next weekend (trip planned about a month ago when I pretty much brushed Tahoe off my shoulder), then back for more work & packing, maybe fit a Going Away Again Party in there, load up the moving van, drive across Northern Nevada, unload the moving fan into my new accommodations, start my new job, probably unpack during Thanksgiving Break...and all while hoping that there isn't a major snowstorm along the way. By the way, did you know that there are a lot of things in the Truckee / Lake Tahoe area named Donner. Wanna know why? Because that's where the Donner Party was on their magical journey west. THAT'S another reason I don't want it to snow horribly before I get assituated. Wish me luck!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

On To The Next One...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, a very happy birthday to Lilie as she joins the prestigous Quarter Century Club. Congratulations!!! Secondly, well...yesterday was the big 700th post...and this one is even bigger. Why? Because I WAS OFFERED THE JOB IN LAKE TAHOE!!! Now, it's not official until the paperwork is signed (fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I ain't gonna get fooled again) and I haven't decided on a start date yet...but probably around Thanksgiving at the latest, I'll be a resident of Lake Tahoe in a new position (though eerily similar to my position in Denver). It's opening a new office for the company...and it's just going to be awesome. Obviously I aced the 2nd interview, new Boss Lady B checked three of my references including my current manager who all had nothing but flowery things to say...and do you remember A-Beer? From the Nuggets game & former coworker in Denver? Well, she used to work with my new Boss Lady B...and apparently she had great things to say about me...and allegedly A-Beer's not one to freely hand out praise, so that's really cool. Anyway, long story short, after the calls to my referrals, Boss Lady B called, offered me the job, we chatted a bit about the moving process & any suggestions...and basically we look forward to working together. Awesome, right? So yeah, the next few weeks are gonna be a little hectic trying to get everything squared away. Luckily I'm kinda prepared because I've been working at this for almost four months...but it's still just a bit of a surprise how fast it happened after the lengthy wait of nothingness. Also, can't wait until tax time. Three states of residence in the last calendar year. Awesome. So Dr Love is going to Cali...but just not Hollywood...yet. Any starlets interested need only take a vacation to Lake Tahoe and ask around. I'll be there. Anyway, here's some news...I'll talk to you when I know a little more...and I'm a little more clearheaded. I typed this stuff up first.

Robo Roadtripper - MIT researchers and designers are developing the Affective Intelligent Driving Agent (AIDA) - a new in-car personal robot that aims to change the way we interact with our car. AIDA communicates with the driver through a small robot embedded in the dashboard. "AIDA builds on our long experience in building sociable robots,” explains professor Cynthia Breazeal, director of the Personal Robots Group at the MIT Media Lab. “We are developing AIDA to read the driver's mood from facial expression and other cues and respond in a socially appropriate and informative way." AIDA communicates in a very immediate way: with the seamlessness of a smile or the blink of an eye. Over time, the project envisions that a kind of symbiotic relationship develops between the driver and AIDA, whereby both parties learn from each other and establish an affective bond. To identify the set of goals the driver would like to achieve, AIDA analyses the driver’s mobility patterns, keeping track of common routes and destinations. AIDA draws on an understanding of the city beyond what can be seen through the windshield, incorporating real-time event information and knowledge of environmental conditions, as well as commercial activity, tourist attractions, and residential areas. “When it merges knowledge about the city with an understanding of the driver’s priorities and needs, AIDA can make important inferences,” explains Assaf Biderman, associate director of the SENSEable City Lab. “Within a week AIDA will have figured out your home and work location. Soon afterwards the system will be able to direct you to your preferred grocery store, suggesting a route that avoids a street fair-induced traffic jam. On the way AIDA might recommend a stop to fill up your tank, upon noticing that you are getting low on gas. AIDA can also give you feedback on your driving, helping you achieve more energy efficiency and safer behavior.” So now you have a robot that can accompany you on road trips...or be a nagging pain in the arse. There had better be a few voice functions though. I get irritated with my GPS voice on my cell phone rather quickly...especially when she has no idea where I am. "I'm not in Sunnyvale, California. Why do you insist on giving me directions as such? I'm in Park City, b**ch!!!" Maybe it would help if it wasn't such a shrill monotonic voice. I'm thinking a sultry sexy female voice might work...especially if I'm an enterprising entrepreneur trying to sell something through directions (patent pending). "Turn left at the next light. I feel like Tex-Mex, let's go to Chili's." "What? You're a robot. You don't eat." "But aren't you hungry?" "No, not really." "Are you sure? Pleeeease, $teve. I'm soooo hoooooongry." "What are you doing to my zipper?" "Mmm, I want a beefy chimichanga." "STOP THAT! I'm trying to drive here. FINE!!! I'm pulling over into Chili's. I like their fajitas anyway. Damn you're persuasive." Maybe you could switch it up to a Johnny 5 voice...or you could be going on a road trip with Elvis. Who wouldn't want that? Anyway, great potential here for lonely individuals and people that get lost easily...but I wouldn't be surprised if a few of the early models got thrown out of moving cars. CRUNCH!!! "I TOLD YOU!!! I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING!!!" A mute button would be nice too.

Space Hotel - Where would be better to travel to with your robot navigator buddy than outer space? Please forget that it's like combining two of Kubrick's creepiest movies, "The Shining" & "2001:Space Odyssey" into one...but a company behind plans to open the first hotel in space says it is on target to accept its first paying guests in 2012 despite critics questioning the investment and time frame for the multi-billion dollar project. The Barcelona-based architects of The Galactic Suite Space Resort say it will cost 3 million euro ($4.4 million) for a three-night stay at the hotel, with this price including an eight-week training course on a tropical island (Haiti?). During their stay, guests would see the sun rise 15 times a day and travel around the world every 80 minutes (sounds awesome to me). They would wear Velcro suits so they can crawl around their pod rooms by sticking themselves to the walls like Spiderman (mmm, I'm thinking of an oddly stimulating honeymoon in space). Galactic Suite Ltd's CEO Xavier Claramunt, a former aerospace engineer, said the project will put his company Galactic Suite at the forefront of an infant industry with a huge future ahead of it, and forecast space travel will become common in the future. "It's very normal to think that your children, possibly within 15 years, could spend a weekend in space," he told Reuters Television. A nascent space tourism industry is beginning to take shape with construction underway in New Mexico of Spaceport America, the world's first facility built specifically for space-bound commercial customers and fee-paying passengers. British tycoon Richard Branson's space tours firm, Virgin Galactic, will use the facility to propel tourists into suborbital space at a cost of $200,000 a ride. Galactic Suite Ltd, set up in 2007, hopes to start its project with a single pod in orbit 450 km (280 miles) above the earth, traveling at 30,000 km per hour, with the capacity to hold four guests and two astronaut-pilots. It will take a day and a half to reach the pod - which Claramunt compared to a mountain retreat, with no staff to greet the traveler. "When the passengers arrive in the rocket, they will join it for 3 days, rocket and capsule. With this we create in the tourist a confidence that he hasn't been abandoned. After 3 days the passenger returns to the transport rocket and returns to earth." What could possibly go wrong? More than 200 people have expressed an interest in traveling to the space hotel and at least 43 people have already reserved. The numbers are similar for Virgin Galactic with 300 people already paid or signed up for the trip but unlike Branson, Galactic Suite say they will use Russian rockets to transport their guests into space from a spaceport to be built on an island in the Caribbean. But critics have questioned the project, saying the time frame is unreasonable and also where the money is coming from to finance the project. Claramunt said an anonymous billionaire space enthusiast (Darth Vader?) has granted $3 billion to finance the project. That sounds awesome. Not a million dollars a day awesome (hmm, maybe with the eight weeks on an island) but still, pretty damn cool. Just something to keep an eye on in the future. Also, are you afraid of flights into outer space? Well, there may be a more traditional alternative to get to your space hotel room in the near future as well.

Space Elevator - A laser-powered robot failed to complete its climb up a long cable dangling from a helicopter Wednesday in a $2 million competition to test the potential reality of the science fiction concept of space elevators. The highly technical contest brought teams from Missouri, Alaska and Seattle to Rogers Dry Lake in the Mojave Desert, most familiar to the public as a space shuttle landing site. The contest requires their machines to climb 2,953 feet (nearly 1 kilometer) up a cable slung beneath a helicopter hovering nearly a mile high. The Kansas City, Mo., Space Pirates team was first off the ground after hours of testing the cable system, refueling the helicopter and waiting to fire up the laser so it doesn't interfere with satellites. Its climber, a flat machine several feet square, initially failed to respond to laser power and was lowered, examined and sent back up. On the second try it began moving and then stopped. On the third try it began moving steadily, but then trouble developed as the laser could not stay locked on the machine. It failed to climb all the way up before the laser had to be shut off to protect satellites, said Ted Semons of the sponsoring Spaceward Foundation. The team was expected to try again Friday. Funded by a NASA program to explore bold technology, the contest is intended to encourage development of a theory that originated in the 1960s and was popularized by Arthur C. Clarke's 1979 novel "The Fountains of Paradise." Space elevators are envisioned as a way to reach space without the risk and expense of rockets. Instead, electrically powered vehicles would run up and down a cable anchored to a ground structure and extending thousands of miles up to a mass in geosynchronous orbit — the kind of orbit communications satellites are placed in to stay over a fixed spot on the Earth. Electricity would be supplied through a concept known as "power beaming," ground-based lasers pointing up to photo voltaic cells on the bottom of the climbing vehicle — something like an upside-down solar power system. The space elevator competition has not produced a winner in its previous three years, but has become increasingly difficult. Semons said the competing machines all use wheels to grip the cable. Two use modified inline-skate wheels and one uses steel wheels. The vehicles must climb at an average speed of 16.4 feet (5 meters) per second, or about 11 miles (18 kilometers) per hour, to qualify for the top prize. A lesser prize is available for vehicles that climb at 2 meters per second. The rules allow one team to collect all $2 million or for sums to be shared among all three teams depending on their achievements. Pretty cool huh? I know you like it when I talk nerdy to you.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'm super stoked about my new adventure...but I'll post with more information when more is known. Right now, I'm just trying to keep everything in perspective with my excitement. Thanks again to all of you for reading...and supporting me over the years. You guys rock!!! If you ever need a place to stay in Lake Tahoe, just let me know. Have a great day everybody!!!

700 Rants & Still Going Strong

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As predicted, this 700th post is going to be a big one. Why? Well, because I've officially applied for the position in Lake Tahoe that...basically I already have correspondence going with the hiring Boss Lady B who wanted me to notify her the moment I applied, already had the first interview with her a few hours later (nailed it) and have the next one scheduled for tomorrow. So yeah...now I should start packing or something, right? No? Maybe wait a few days until something official is offered...since I'll have at least 30 days to evacuate this apartment thanks to management? You're probably right. Just thought I'd share that with you before I go into the news for the day...of which is also pretty good stuff involving three major guilty pleasures of mine - Action movies, Megan Fox, and fellatio. Enjoy.

True Grit Remake - Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are in talks to star in the Coen Brothers remake of the classic western "True Grit" according to the trades. A closer adaptation of the original Charles Portis novel, Damon would star as a lawman who teams up with U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn and a fourteen-year-old girl to help find her father's killer in Indian territory. Brolin would play the killer. Then who's set to reprise the role of Rooster made famous by THE John Wayne? The Dude himself, Jeff Bridges is already cast to play Cogburn, the role that won John Wayne an Oscar in the 1969 original. Filming begins next March for a late 2010 release. Is anybody else excited for this movie? Coen Brothers? The Dude? True Grit? Yeah, it should be pretty good...but then again, there's another action movie around the corner that just makes nipples inflate with anticipation.

Expendables Update - Writer / director / star Sylvester Stallone has spoken a lot more to Entertainment Weekly about a pivotal five-minute scene in "The Expendables" featuring him, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right, they're going to be in this movie too...that already stars Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren and just about anybody else who has ever starred in an action movie. Anyway, the church-set scene has Willis’ nasty antagonist summoning Stallone’s macho mercenary to finally meet him face-to-face, take measure of him, and possibly hire him for a death-defying mission of taking out a South American dictator. But just as the meeting gets under way and smartass smalltalk is made, in walks another killer-for-hire, Stallone’s longtime rival, who Willis has also invited to this job interview - Arnie (Dutch from "Predator" maybe?). Stallone says "We [him and Schwarzenegger's characters] have a history together. And we go back and forth and I tell him that I should have shot him a long time ago when I had the chance. Then it goes on from there. And here we are, the three of us trying to man up to one another, playing off of who we are, using our baggage in this one scene." So the Planet Hollywood trio come together for a scene in this movie. Awesome. I ugh...just can't wait. Yes, I'm aware that these guys are in their late-50's, early 60's...and quite frankly I don't care. Seriously, how old was John Wayne when he won his Academy Award in True Grit? Anybody? 62 years old!!! And let's face it, Marion Robert Morrison was a badass...but he wasn't packing guns like Arnie, Sly & Bruno. He was wearing a handkerchief most of the time. I swear I had a point that I was trying to get at here. Oh yeah, something like it doesn't matter how old you are, what size you are, how funny you talk, or anything like that. If you've got the balls & ambition & Passion to achieve your dreams...then you can do it. And I seriously can not wait to see this movie. Will it be violent? Absolutely. Will it be cheesy? You bet your ass. I look forward to the one-liners exchanged between all of these leading men. It'll be like the Dirty Dozen of the new millennium. Y'all enjoy your New Moon...and it's back-story of the girl being caught in a love triangle with two dangerous men just because they're cute, not based on the content of their character (which I truly believe is detrimental to young ladies out there...and a supremely stupid story). Me: I'm going to watch a bunch of men from all nationalities join forces to protect innocent people and stand for Truth, Justice & the American Way...which may or may not involve some female nudity.

Megan Fox Update - Megan Fox has been robbed!!! No, not by another awards show for her portrayal of Who-Gives-A-Sh*t-She's-Hot in that one movie about the thing. Rather Megan Fox, her sometime boyfriend Brian Austin Green and former “High School Musical” star Ashley Tisdale were among the celebrity “victims” of a gang of mostly teenage girls who allegedly burglarized a host of star residences, Los Angeles police said on Wednesday. A few days ago, the District Attorney’s Office filed residential burglary charges against four of the suspects named so far in the case. Courtney Ames, 18; Alexis Neiers, 18; Roy Lopez, 27; and Diana Tamayo, 19; were all arrested last week and remain free on bail with the exception of Tamayo who is still in custody. Rachel Lee, 19, who was also arrested last week, has not been charged, pending further investigation, the DA’s Office confirmed to Access Hollywood. Authorities said they have issued a warrant for the arrest of a man named Jonathan Ajar on firearm and drug possession charges. Ajar, authorities said, has been identified as an alleged participant in some aspects of the case. An LAPD Captain at the press conference held on Wednesday said the suspects “utilized technology and various Internet resources to track the calendars of high profile celebrities” in order to commit the crimes. The LAPD said there are a total of seven suspects. As for the victims, the celebrities targeted include Audrina Patridge, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson, Ashley Tisdale, Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox and Orlando Bloom. (So...basically all girls? Oh and Brian was incidental) In addition, two are non-celebrities (more if it's up to debate, who the hell is Audrina Patridge?). Authorities also said they have not connected the suspects to the recent Kourtney Kardashian burglary incident earlier this month. Authorities said the value of property stolen is “in the millions of dollars,” with the lead detective estimating the amount at over $2 million. The LAPD detective said they first became aware of a ring of residential burglaries with celebrities as victims in late 2008. However, my question is...what was stolen? Electronics? Teen Choice Awards (obviously not Oscars)? Or maybe something with a little more...umph? Sex tape collections? Undergarments? Mmm...well, I'm just gonna dwell on that one for a second...but the important lesson here is that crime doesn't pay. The market after the fact is where the pay comes from...unless they stole cash...then that's cutting out the middleman. Congratulations to the LAPD for making the news in a good way...and catching a bunch of teenage girls. I'm sure the TV movie is already in the works...hmm, possibly starring some of the victims. I could see Rachel Bilson as a scrappy leader. I mean...what else is she going to do? Jumper sucked. Anyway, I hope these thieves are brought to justice. Perhaps we should start taking donations on behalf of these celebrities...because most of their careers are pretty much over anyway...

And we can't just let Miss Fox go naked all the time...

I'm sure there's a good reason why, I just can't think of it

Ladies... - When they do their thing, female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex to get the males to prolong the act, scientists now find, suggesting the behavior confers evolutionary benefits (besides the obvious). Oral sex, or fellatio, is often used in human foreplay, the researchers noted (having read about it in books), but rarely seen in other animals. As such, there have been few evolutionary reasons given for oral sex to date, and fellatio is largely thought confined to humans, although juvenile members of the chimpanzee-like bonobo do it for play (I just remembered a great name for a band). Now scientists find the short-nosed fruit bat (Cynopterus sphinx) routinely engages in oral sex, the first time fellatio has been seen in adult animals other than humans. The researchers argue the act likely has evolutionary benefits ("It couldn't hurt"). Scientists at the Guangdong Entomological Institute in Guangzhou, China, and their colleagues investigated bats they captured at a nearby park. Although bats comprise the second largest order of mammals at more than 1,100 species, little is known about their mating habits because of their nocturnal lifestyle and their often-inaccessible roosts. The researchers were originally expecting to watch behaviors such as grooming or the construction of tents from Chinese fan-palm leaves...but that sh*t gets boring after a while. "We did not expect fellatio in fruit bats at the beginning," said researcher Libiao Zhang, a biologist at the Guangdong Entomological Institute in Guangzhou, China. "We were also surprised at how often it occurred." (Aren't we all?) The investigators took digital videos at night of the bats having sex, (think a cross of the Dark Knight & A Night in Paris) with males keeping a tight grip on the females' firm behind...er, sorry FROM behind by holding thumbs on the females' wings clamping down with their mouths on the females' necks (See? My way was sexier). Naturally, the bats copulated hanging upside-down (oh yes, naturally). Intriguingly, the female lowered her head to lick the male penis during 14 of 20 copulations recorded on video (those are pretty good odds). The licking typically went on for some 19 seconds, or roughly one-twelfth the average time of copulation. The male never withdrew from the female when she performed fellatio (duuuuuh). An explicit video of the act, produced by the researchers, is here (Go ahead, you know you wanna look). The researchers found the longer the fellatio went on, the longer the bats often had sex, with each second of licking adding roughly six extra seconds of copulation (not a bad ratio). The bats spent almost twice as long copulating when oral sex was involved than when not. "It was difficult to provide some hypotheses for the function of the fellatio behavior," Zhang said. "We held many meetings to discuss the functions." (I'll bet you did) Prolonging sex might increase the chances of getting pregnant by aiding transport of sperm and stimulating female glandular secretions, they suggested. It might even help prevent sexually transmitted diseases from the male to the female by killing germs with saliva, so while the male may enjoy the act, the female ultimately benefits. Just something to think about ladies...but honestly, I think it works the other way around with humans...based on my experience anyway. I guess it's just...you get what you give...and if not, then come see Doctor Love.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You Will Find Comfort in a New Relationship...in Bed" - That's right ladies. The Cookie may be talking about you too. You have the number.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my future in Lake Tahoe...or wherever else the Fates will take me. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to continue this research into the mating rituals of Chinese fruit bats and see if I can find some of Megan Fox's panties on eBay. Have a great day everybody!!! Happy 700th Post!!!

May not be a bad thing to move in the winter...

Lacy, Gently Wafting Curtains

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Halloween was pretty cool. I spent the day with my dad, helping him pick up a Bio Force weight machine that he bought through the Classifieds in Orem...and then watched some college football. After that, I went to a Halloween Party with a "Second String" theme, which basically means you don't dress as the star...but as the supporting character. There was Luigi from Super Mario Brothers, Rhoda from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Steve Wozniak, the dead Golden Girls, and of course...Captain Hammer (who is a superhero...but not the titular character of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog...so it works). Oh...and there was a LOT of booze, which makes any Halloween party great. Also, on the long walk home (like 2-3 miles with a good buzz going), I was asked for a cigarette thrice, saw a taxi getting towed in a left turn lane (has to be a good story there) and a curvaceous drunken woman dressed as a Hooters girl did a wonderful little dance for me...while her boyfriend (or whatever) watched. I resisted the urge to throw dollars at her feet...but merely thanked her for the private dance and kept walking to my apartment. Very nice. Other than that though, not much to report. Had to work early this morning so...that sucked. Yeah. Here's the news...

Mugshot of the Week - Had to throw this in before the new crop of hilarious mugshots comes in from the holiday. Police had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll, Iowa apartment. Police were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker (yes, really). Police said the caller described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment Friday night before driving off. Matthew McNelly, 23, and Joey Miller, 20, were arrested at gunpoint after officers were told they might be armed. Neither man had a weapon. McNelly and Miller were each charged with attempted second-degree burglary. Both men were released after posting bond. Attorneys for the men declined comment Tuesday. As if the mugshot wasn't hilarious enough, I can just imagine the call going out to all cars in the area. "Be on the lookout for two young males wanted for questioning with regards to an attempted robbery, early twenties, average height & build, painted faces, more than likely armed & dangerous." "Attention dispatch, Car 28 here. Did you say painted faces?" "Roger that, Car 28." "In what way is that NOT racist?" "Excuse me, Car 28." "Oh, I'm sorry. Are we back in 1920's Alabama? Should I check the local minstrel show?" "Car 28, the victim described the perps as having their faces painted. Possibly with magic marker." "(Silence) That's it, I'm calling Jesse Jackson."

Russian Road Roulette - Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to 5,000 Euros ($7,400), the chief prosecutor's office said Thursday. Known as 'Russian road roulette', the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians, according to local media reports. Onlookers also gamble on the result (though I'm assuming keep a safe distance with that whole no hitting pedestrians thing). Prosecutors launched their investigation after media reported the new game had been held at night at busy crossroads in Sofia since the summer. In June, two people died after a motorcyclist crashed into an onlooker (oooh, guess not) at a similar rally on Sofia's ring road. "Every time we receive a signal for such an unregulated race, we send patrols," Commissioner Vanio Stoevski, head of the Sofia Road Police, told Reuters. Since the deaths in June, police have monitored roads where such races are typically held. Local media report that participants in the 'Russian road roulette' are informed via text messages of the venue for that particular night -- depending on the presence of police. Now THAT should be the next Fast & Furious sequel. On second thought, they'd find a way to ruin that too. Now, you may think that I'm a huge fan of this given my record of being in favor of everything from mixed martial arts to Extreme Golf to professional Rochambeau to the ultimate showdown between Grizzlies & Panda Bears for bear supremacy (and genetically engineering miniature dinosaurs just to have them fight for my amusement) but I'm not a huge fan of this...and the reason is fairly obvious. I do not like the danger to spectators, less innocent bystanders just trying to get home to their families. However, I'm totally down with the Death Race scenario...or maybe a bunch of obstacles and what have you. I don't want people to die during a competition or anything like that...but I do enjoy the element of danger...and at least the competitors know what's at stake. Innocent bystanders & stuff though, not cool. Yet another reason I have no desire to go to Bulgaria. "Here is your map of the city of Sofia with directions to some of the attractions. Also, would you like the Russian Road Roulette Insurance Plan with your rental car this trip?" "Do I want what now?" Keep an eye out for the movie based on these events. I'm pretty sure Jason Statham will star in it...or Vin Diesel...or some other bald guy. Patrick Stewart?

Governator Update - Speaking of Running Man, I thought this article was a little funny. From "I'll be Back" to "Hasta La Vista, Baby", Arnold Schwarzenegger has always had a way with words...but the charismatic California governor raised more than a few eyebrows with the wording of a recent letter to a political opponent announcing his intention to veto financing for a San Francisco waterfront project. Viewed as a letter, Republican Schwarzenegger's missive to San Francisco assemblyman Tom Ammiano, a Democrat, appeared to convey a not-so-hidden message. Read vertically, the first letter of each line spelt an obscene two-word insult, the first word beginning with "F" and the second word being "You." Coincidence? Local media reports speculated that the message was the result of Ammiano's recent heckling of Schwarzenegger at a Democratic gala event. Ammiano, who is gay, was reportedly angry at Schwarzenegger over state budget cuts which slashed funding to AIDS programs. However Schwarzenegger's spokesman Aaron McClear said Wednesday that the odd wording was nothing more than a quirk of coincidence. "It was a strange coincidence. We draft hundreds of letters each year and it was just a coincidence, nothing more to it than that." Really? What a crazy random happenstance! Some of you may think that Arnie is not nearly clever enough to do something like that...but let me tell you something, he very well may be the smartest man in the entire world. Seriously. Think about it. This man is RICH!!! He's an Austrian immigrant who came here thirty years ago with a twenty dollar bill in his pocket...and became the biggest actor EVER, married into American Royalty, and is the governor of California...and he's not done yet (stay tuned). Also, he's surrounded with clever out-of-work movie & TV series writers to draft letters for him...so that he can do subtle jabs at his opponents...when his dominating presence isn't enough. So maybe it's coincidence. Maybe he got caught trying to be a little clever. Regardless, who cares? If I end up moving to Lake Tahoe...then I'd be proud to have Arnold as my elected representative. He doesn't take crap from anybody...nor should he have to. Oh...and if you're ever looking for some kind of clever jab or anything in my blog, you'll be sorely disappointed. First off, I'm not that clever. Secondly, I'm usually pretty blunt & straight-forward about it...because I feel that if I try to hide it in a clever manner, then the stupid sh*t I'm trying to insult won't catch it. I'm an excellent communicator that way. Hmm, I haven't mentioned Terrell Owens for a while. Oh yeah, that's because he hasn't been relevant for a few years now. I wonder how cold it is in Buffalo this week. See? Boom. Done. Jab delivered.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. The Eagles just destroyed the Giants so I'm going to catch some of the highlights now that I'm off work. Perhaps this week will bear more fruit on the whole Lake Tahoe situation...but I'm not holding my breathe or anything right now. I'm sure it's still a few weeks away if at all. However, join me tomorrow for a special occasion...my 700th posting on web-based journal. I know, right? 700 rants and counting...and I promise that this entry...will be quite fantastic. I already happen to know a few stories that'll be in it...and it just gives me good feelings thinking about it...but then again, anything involving Megan Fox & fellatio will do that to just about anybody. Have a great day everybody!!!

P.S. I'm sorry to tease like that and put you in a hot & bothered state...but just wait until tomorrow.