Prick Love For Pricking

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not a whole helluva lot to talk about personally. Probably gonna go see Game 4 of the Finals with my dad tonight. My mom's in Cali on business. My brother got a raise at his job, so now he's making more than minimum wage...and raising two kids...with a little help from my mom...but he's working hard and that's what counts. I may have to go see him this weekend...if he's not working...but he probably is. So yeah, rather than bore you with more stuff like that, here's the news...

Like Romeo & Juliet - A modern-day Romeo finally got his girl Monday when the northern Italian city of Verona opened up the balcony where Juliet pined for her lover as a venue for weddings. The 13th century mansion of the Cappello family -- believed to be the Capulets of William Shakespeare's tragic play "Romeo and Juliet" -- has for years been a place of pilgrimage for lovers worldwide, who have scrawled love messages on its walls. Now, Verona's town council is offering couples the chance to follow in the footsteps of Shakespeare's "star-crossed lovers" and see for themselves "what light from yonder window breaks." The first Romeo to take advantage of the offer was soccer player star Luca Ceccarelli, who plays for local team Verona. "I feel very emotional. You know, marriage always gives strong emotions especially in a situation like this," said a beaming Ceccarelli, before exchanging rings with his Juliet, Irene Lamforti. "We hope that this bring us a lot of luck." But it does not come cheaply. A normal civil wedding license in Italy costs about 45 Euros ($64): for non-European citizens the Verona license will cost nearly 900 Euros, with EU non-Verona couples paying approximately 700 Euros. At that price, lovers will hope for a happy ending. I am aware there are a few Shakespeare fans out there reading this, so you're welcome for spreading this knowledge. So when you find your one true love, now you can tie the knot on the same window as the mythical star-crossed lovers. It'll just cost you about $1300 just for the license. Forget about the ceremony, rings, flights, hotel stays...and it's just the two of you (like a secret ceremony...where it's just you two, the priest, and a witness you met at a gelato stand an hour earlier) so yeah, go for it. Live the dream. Still waiting for a space station so that I can have a Star Wars wedding complete with wookies & ewoks...but that may be another decade or so ahead of its time.

Vegas Update - Perhaps a new job opportunity for me down in Vegas just came up. The owner of a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks she has been ignoring about half the market — the half that prefers men. Bobbi Davis is looking for male prostitutes to help expand the clientele at the Shady Lady Ranch (remember them?), her small roadside brothel about 150 miles north of Las Vegas. "We've had requests for men in the past, and there's nothing else like this out there," she said. Indeed, the 25 legal brothels scattered throughout 10 rural Nevada counties are staffed by women and cater to men. The Shady Lady, however, isn't the only one thinking about hiring male prostitutes. Nevada Brothel Association lobbyist George Flint says other brothels have approached him with the idea lately to drum up business. Like Nevada's gambling, hotel and convention industries, the prostitution business has hit hard times. Flint estimates that bordellos have seen a roughly 50% drop in revenue since the economy turned sour. "Business is so bad right now, I think brothels would do anything to survive. Disposable income is just in short supply at the moment," he said. Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss recently planned to open "Heidi's Stud Farm" near Pahrump, but gave up the effort this year after being arrested on felony drug charges. Flint says other brothels have offered male prostitutes over the years, with little success. He argues that the business model for a brothel that caters to women just doesn't pencil out. "Seducing a woman and seducing a man in a brothel environment are different things completely. One can take a few minutes, the other can take hours. It wouldn't make money," he said (Apparently he HAS dated before). Davis agrees that women customers could differ significantly from men, though she plans at least initially to keep her current prices for services — $500 for two hours, $800 for three. "That may change. We're figuring that women may want a longer period of time, maybe a little more romance. They're not quite like men in that respect," she said. Davis said the requests she has received for male prostitutes have come mostly from women, but that she also would welcome business from men seeking men. "I can't discriminate, nor would I want to," she said, adding that it would be up to prostitutes to decide whether they entertain any particular guest. Licensing male prostitutes might be a problem. State law allows for legal prostitutes of both genders, but the health codes that regulate the business largely are written to apply to female prostitutes. That includes a requirement that the working girls have mandatory cervical exams. "It's kind of hard to do that with a man," Davis said to the nervous laughter of reporters. Nye County Sheriff Tony DeMeo, whose office administers work cards for prostitutes (other benefits include free drinks at local bars after hours), said he's aware of Davis' plan and has sought legal advice from the district attorney. Meanwhile, Davis is drawing up her help wanted ad. She said she'll be looking for one or two men "in good shape, in their mid-30s to 50s." (DAMNIT!!! Just a few more years!!!) Asked about the age range, she notes that's another way women differ from men. "Look at George Clooney, he's 50 and he's still considered a very sexy man. Women don't consider a man washed up by the time he's 50," she said. Prostitution is outlawed in five Nevada counties, including in the Reno and Las Vegas metropolitan areas, but brothels have operated legally elsewhere in the state since 1971. So gentlemen, if you're looking for a way to make a few bucks in this economy...and are middle aged, then there may be an opportunity for you.

Colorado Update - Remember what seems like years ago when I lived in Denver? Well, sometimes I wonder what's going on there since I've left. I've already had a few people call my cell phone to open the front door. "I don't live there anymore, buddy. I'm not gonna buzz you in." I haven't heard much about my old job...and frankly I don't care much unless they offer me a better job than I had...which probably isn't going to happen. Then I stumble upon nuggets like this from one of my favorite hippie communities, Boulder Colorado. A couple of nudists claim their landlord is wrongly discriminating by trying to get them to cover up while gardening. Robert (58) and Catharine (51) Pierce have been accused by their landlord of being a nuisance by gardening wearing only thong underwear, plus pasties for Catharine Pierce. Neighbors complained to police about the Pierces' scanty clothing...but police say the Pierces are not violating the law as long as their genitals are covered...but their landlord, Boulder Housing Partners (did their parents name them that), has sent the Pierces a letter saying they could face eviction if they don't cover up. The Pierces say the threat of eviction amounts to discrimination. Robert Pierce said, "We want our freedom. We want exactly what the law gives you, and we don't want to be harassed about it." Betsy Martens, executive director of the Boulder Housing Partners, which administers Boulder's affordable housing program, told the Daily Camera newspaper that defining the word nuisance is difficult. "This is not a legal issue, it's a community issue. We try and balance the needs of the whole community." Neighbor Emily Hink said she spied Catharine Pierce gardening as she was driving home with her daughter, whose "jaw dropped." (I'm assuming not the good way) Hink said she's not opposed to people being nude in their houses or even in a fenced-off back yard...but the Pierces' home is on a corner just a couple of blocks from a school. "There are so many parks around here, and there are lots of kids around. They're on the corner lot right across the street from the community gardens and the Waldorf school. The whole street is lined with kids." Ultimately, if the Pierces continue their near-naked gardening, Boulder Housing Partners can choose to evict them. If the couple fought the eviction, the municipal court would be left to decide whether their behavior constitutes a nuisance. Thirty years ago, this wouldn't have been a problem...because Robert would've been a studdly 28 not unlike myself...and Catharine would've had her first taste of legal alcohol at 21...and let's face it, people like free twenty-something nudity...but when you get into your fifties, it's apparently a nuisance. Even in Boulder which is like the Vermont of the Mountain West. I think there should be a million man (and mostly woman) march on the Capitol...in the nude. Can you imagine the sight? Blinding farmer's tan ass with occasional speckles of melanin flooding the streets of Denver? Genitals swaying in the brisk mountain breeze? My God, it would be a beautiful testimony to Freedom. I'd love to help out with this cause...but unfortunately I'm back in Utah...and I don't think there'd be the same volume of nudist members here. I went to Pride this past weekend and there was probably a few dozen that would march with me. Then again, the nudists here do like to come out at night and walk their little dogs through the Avenues, conveniently located next to the Utah State Capitol. Hmm, maybe this isn't as far fetched as I thought. We'd just have to do it at night. I'm sure the news would still cover it...just that nobody would be at the Capitol listening besides security. Okay, now I have a project to look into in my spare time. Let me know if you're interested in marching.

So we've had fun today with plenty of sex & nudity...so maybe I'll have to balance it out tomorrow with some assassination, a pandemic, or other signs of the Apocalypse...but until then, have a great day everybody!!! Love y'all madly!!!

Why I Hate Black History Month

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Please read on before you judge my title. Anyway, it's official now. My mom's officially in Denver, along with my aunt Pat…and I officially have a phone again. Yippee!!! At first glance, it's not as grand as my original phone…but I'm a simple man with simple needs…and I'll just have to mess around with the settings to get it the way I like it. Big ups to my mom for bringing it to me. How am I going to repay her? She wants to go to the Grizzly Rose tonight, which is apparently the biggest Country-Western bar in Denver…and yes, they have a mechanical bull. Since I'm the DD though, there may not be pictures…but there's only one way to find out. Stay tuned...

The other night, I watched Nic Cage's latest movie "Bangkok Dangerous" and it was…difficult to watch. Now, I'm a big fan of shoot-em-up movies, anything Thai and Nicolas Cage is quickly going up my list of favorite actors…but this movie was just really, really slow…really brutal…and there's really no point to it. That being said, it's about a hitman (Cage) who goes to Thailand for "the last job" before retiring…and of course, it doesn't go exactly as planned…and he has to shoot his way out. Directed by the Pang Brothers ("The Messengers" which was also a very very slow pointless movie…but it was horror) and not really having anything else worth mentioning. Nice action scene with those motorized gondolas in the canals of Thailand…but you've seen it all before…and better. I wouldn't personally recommend it. Wanna see a good hitman movie that you probably haven't seen? Watch "Assassins" with Sly & Antonio Benderas…or even a comedy like "The Big Hit" with Marky Mark & Lou Diamond Phillips. Wanna see a shoot-em-up? Watch "Shoot 'Em Up" with Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci. Pass on Bangkok. Still wanna go to Thailand to see an underground Muay Thai kickboxing match…but not on business.

Last night, I watched the 1985 Japanese film "Ran" directed by Akira Kurosawa, which is based on Shakespeare's play "King Lear" (oh yeah, I took AP Literature) but set in Sengoku-period Japan (Samurai) and has three sons instead of three daughters as the children of King Lear (Todehari in this film). Now, I'm a big fan of Shakespeare…and I think it's incredible that in the centuries since he wrote his plays, that nobody has really been able to top them…and King Lear is one of my favorites, not just because it deals with tradition, madness, treachery, manipulation, betrayal, flattery, the brutality of war and has the words of the Bard to spice it…but anything good enough to be tattooed on the piece of art that is Megan Fox is surely a masterpiece in itself…except maybe the name "Brian" but that's different. Anyway, it's a pretty long film, about 160 minutes…and some parts do seem to drag…but it's pretty true to the material…and though they may have wanted to proofread some of the subtitles, it was a pretty good movie and great cinematography and even acting…though a little odd at times. Must be a cultural thing. If you're a fan of Shakespeare but are tired of English accents, I say give it a watch…but be prepared to read.

Know Your Audience - With Martin Luther King Day on Monday…and the Inauguration of the first African-American President on Tuesday…and Black History Month coming up in a few days, how do you let something like this slide by? In St Louis, a flier headlined "Why I Hate Black History Month" that was sent home with schoolchildren has been tweaked after a handful of complaints (Really?). Organizers say they were trying to emphasize the importance of learning about black history all year long, not just in February. The revised flier is titled, "Why I LOVE Black History Month." The fliers were sent home last week with students at Jackson Park Elementary School. They were meant to publicize a planned Parent Teacher Organization meeting on the subject (Of why you hate Black History Month?). Organizers say they didn't mean to offend anyone, but some recipients "felt it could be racist." Others simply didn't like the word "hate." About three-quarters of the school's 350 students are black. Not well thought out at all. Catchy title though…but I'll bet you that more than half of those complaining didn't bother to read flier. It's a method that I use when titling my blog. You've seen it before. "Nelly Climbs Into Diddy's Underpants", "Hippoes, Dragonflies & Boobies", and "Churchill Was A Myth!!!" or great movie lines like "Sabrina, don't just stare at it. Eat it.", "Only Good Bug is a Dead Bug" and "You Never Go Ass to Mouth!" This one though…was sent home with schoolchildren…and even the Churchill one's questionable for titling something of that nature. I guess the point is, know your audience. If you ever wanted to offend or piss somebody off, the easiest way is to talk to a parent of an elementary student. They're pretty touchy…and rightfully so. Bush has made them all paranoid. No more tying kids to trees and leaving them a bowl of food while you go on vacation to Puerto Vallarta (MOM!!! DAD!!!). No more "Go cut daddy a switch" or "Go get mommy's headache Kool-Aid" because that's a bad impression. Not even spanking…at least until they get that first boyfriend…and then she's calling somebody else daddy. I don't know. They just don't make kids like they used to. Easy for me to say, not having any…but I'll let you know how my new children's books are received. Some are sequels to previous benchmarks…and I have two so far, entitled "The Adventures of Dick & Gina" and "Everybody Poops…but you done completely crapped your pants!!!" I can see some of the complaints now. "Dick & Gina? That sounds awfully close to reproductive organs. It's especially awkward when there are lines in the text such as 'Gina likes Dick, Dick likes Gina, Gina wraps herself around Dick, It's hot outside.' Gina feels warm and moist. I think it's just sending the wrong message to kids." "What? That hugging is bad? How about the part where Gina spills her ice cream on Dick? Are you telling me that when 'Gina licks Dick' that it's bad because it's unsanitary?" My God, what started this conversation? Oh yeah, the flier in St Louis. Anyway, new topic. I'm scaring myself a bit.

Me & My Monkey - Another children's book idea that I've had for years is a new age Curious George called "Me & My Monkey" inspired by the Robbie Williams song…about a weekend in Vegas with his bandito monkey…but there are so many possibilities with this format. Anyway, I may have found a costar. Wildlife officials said a rhesus macaque monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart (Only one? Might I suggest…at least two darts?). Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source (Hopefully a zoo of some sorts). It was last seen in Clearwater. The monkey is not considered dangerous…but armed…with extremely stinky projectiles. All he needs is a catchy name now. How about…Fred? Fred the Feces-Flinging Monkey? I can even do the illustrations. It'll be classic. I know what you're all thinking…and I'll let you know when the books are on Amazon so you can get a few for your kids. All proceeds to go to Breast Cancer Research.

Dinosaurs Wore Coats - The evolution of the flashy down feather coat has been traced back to 125 million-year-old dinosaur fossils. The feathers were worn by Beipiaosaurus, which is a therizinosaur, small-headed theropods with long necks and giant claws. Most of the dinosaurs' bodies were covered with short and slender feathers that, based on the fossil evidence, appeared similar to those found in specimens of other non-avian theropods. These feathers had a central shaft with veins branching out from either side, paleontologists said. Other feathers on the head, neck and trunk were long and broad, with no branching. They were not for flight, but might have kept the dinosaurs warm and looking good, said Xing Xu at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing. "Both are definitely not for flight. Inferring the function of some structures of extinct animals would be very difficult, and in this case, we are not quite sure whether these feathers are for display or some other functions." He speculated that the short, branched feathers were probably used as insulation, while the more primitive feathers likely served as a visual display to woo mates or as a visual cue in other social interactions. Paleontologists think birds derived from maniraptors (a group of theropods) some 150 million years ago during the Jurassic Period….so the finding sheds light on the evolution of birds and bird-like features. The newly analyzed fossilized feathers came from two specimens unearthed years ago in China's Liaoning Province. There's another children's book in there. "Pretty, Pretty Predators" starring flamboyant dinosaurs. It's just kind of creepy to think about a ten-foot tall, blood-thirsty peacock with claws…but that's a problem for an illustrator…or maybe the storyteller. "Why are his lips red, Uncle $teve?" "Well ugh…that's lipstick, so that he…I mean, she can be a pretty pretty predator." "But the lipstick came from inside that other dinosaur…" "Okay fine, you wanna know why that dinosaur has red lips and that other one is torn inside-out? Because the organs are the tastiest and most nutrient-rich parts….and a predator means a meat-eater…that hunts and kills its own dinner every single day. Any other questions you've got for me, sweetie?" "Where do babies come from?" "The hospital. Okay, time for bed."

Another Reason to Move to Peru - Besides the beautiful women, colorful culture dating back thousands of years, ancient ruins of Machu Picchu and just natural beauty everywhere you look, now there's another reason to move to Peru - Job Security for Alcoholics. Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent. The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work. The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, according to Fernando Calle, one of the justices on Wednesday. Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government. "It's not a good idea to relax rules at workplaces," said Labour Minister Jorge Villasante. Celso Becerra, the administrative chief of Chorrillos, a suburb of Lima, denounced the ruling. "We've fired four workers for showing up drunk, and two of them were drivers. How can we allow a drunk to work who might run somebody over?" So there you go. Need to hold a steady job…but don't want to give up your steady regimen of cough syrup, then Peru may be the place for you. Still, don't drink & drive. It may not be against the law (while you're on the job) but it's still not a good idea. Not really a kids book directly from this story…but it does infringe on one of my other titles, "Pablo the Peruvian Pornographer" about a man named Pablo who is fired from his job as a janitor, then finds another way to make money. Hey, wait a minute, now that I think about it, there are a few similarities.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Can't wait to hang with my mom this long weekend. I hope that all have a wonderful weekend as well (in case I don't see ya before MLK Day). Join us next time when we'll discuss…I don't know. I'm sure we'll come up with something. I mean…I spent most of this entry talking about books ranging from King Lear to Pablo the Peruvian Pornographer. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Just have fun and enjoy the moment. Wait, I need to quote some Shakespeare with that, don't I? How about this?

Come, let's away to prison;
We two alone will sing like birds i' the cage:
When thou dost ask me blessing, I'll kneel down,
And ask of thee forgiveness: so we'll live,
And pray, and sing, and tell old tales, and laugh
At gilded butterflies, and hear poor rogues
Talk of court news; and we'll talk with them too,
Who loses and who wins; who's in, who's out;
And take upon's the mystery of things,
As if we were God's spies: and we'll wear out,
In a wall'd prison, packs and sects of great ones
That ebb and flow by the moon.

End scene...