I'm Going To The Country

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, as predicted, it snowed a substantial amount this weekend (though not quite the epic biblical proportions that were forecast… but the night is young & it should continue well into tomorrow), the Eagles dominated the Giants (okay, they won, and that’s what counts), Bone Junior met her first rock crush at the AMA’s (and we both actually bought the same first album when we were teenagers), and my mom will be coming for Thanksgiving… though probably just by herself. Oh well… we shall still have fun. Three day week at work, four day weekend with my mama & some sweet pumpkin pie… oh yeah, winter & the holidays are officially here. Well, my weekend was basically a lot of keeping warm and watching football…

and “Son of the Beach” which if you don’t know, was a series on FX back in 2000… and it was produced by Howard Stern… and it’s basically a spoof of “Baywatch” but it’s entirely double entendres (even character names are Notch Johnson, BJ Cummins, etc.), sex & fart jokes, shameless adult content, and basically everything that you can get away with on a TV-M rating. I like it because… well, it’s purposely sick and wrong… and at least once an episode has a daydream montage where somebody will say something like “dozens of big breasted female prisoners confined to a small area wearing nothing but undergarments? I wonder what that would be like…” and then the daydream begins. Plenty of guest stars are on it too… like David Arquette, Erik Estrada, Alan Thicke, Vincent Pastore (“Big P**sy”), and even the great Neil Patrick Harris. Anyway, it’s a lot like Naked Gun meets Baywatch… so if you like the Naked Guns movies then I suggest you check out “Son of the Beach” because… well, I think you’d appreciate it if you read my blog. Now for some world news…

Sexy Politics - A Polish singer and tabloid celebrity has put up posters of herself stretched out on the sand in a provocative bikini as part of her campaign to win a Warsaw district council seat in municipal elections on November 21. Several of the posters (located here) are to be seen around Warsaw's Bemowo district bearing Sara May's slogan: "Beautiful, independent, competent." "The deeds count, not the words, so I will not promise anything. I live in Bemowo in Warsaw," May, whose real name is Katarzyna Szczolek, wrote on her English language website, adding that she would try to make the city a better place to live in. Internet users who posted their comments below May's poster on various websites were not interested in her political views, instead preferring extensive discussion of the extent to which her photograph had been digitally enhanced. Using sex to sell your political views? Preposterous!!! Effective… but preposterous!!! Though I wish you the best of luck in your campaign, Miss Szczolek, I think that you’re going about this all wrong…

Topless Politics – Instead please take a note from the brazenly provocative, bare-breasted young women of Femen who are becoming an eye-catching -- if unsolicited -- fixture on Ukraine's political scene. Oh yes… this article combines world news, politics, and bare breasted idealistic Ukrainian women… if only more news was like this. Anna Hutsol, Femen's spikey-haired 26-year-old leader, says she commands a small army of 300 mainly student activists ready to peel off in public to support Ukrainian women's rights (PROVE IT!!!). As the group broadens its activities to embrace wider causes, she says Femen is undeterred by increased police action (or frigid temperatures that may make their nipples resemble AK-47 shells). "We plan more protests this year," Hutsol told Reuters. Femen activists caused a minor diplomatic stir last month during a visit by Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin with a topless street protest in which they made raunchy references to his personal life (so… do I have to kill people and become a dictator for girls to threaten me with nudity?). Last week two semi-clad Femen members disrupted an Iranian exhibition with a protest in support of an Iranian woman held in jail for adultery and complicity of murder. The Ukrainian authorities, who once laughed off Femen's activities as cheeky but harmless antics, may now be losing patience after the anti-Putin demonstration which touched a raw nerve in sensitive ties with a powerful neighbor. "The police are becoming more aggressive now. But at least that shows we are being taken seriously," Hutsol told Reuters in an interview in a downtown Kiev cafe. Established in 2008 by a group of Kiev university students, Femen says its main aims are to improve the role of women in Ukraine's male-dominated, post-Soviet society. "We want to show that our women have a demeaning role in our society. Their place is seen as in the kitchen or in bed," said Alexandra Shevchenko, a 22-year-old economics student who regularly plays a leading role in topless protests. Sex tourists and visiting foreign businessmen who feed Ukraine's sex industry are the group's main targets (note to self). It has also campaigned against sexual harassment of students in universities and railed against international beauty contests such as the Miss Universe competition. Even Mykola Azarov -- the country's dour, grey-haired prime minister -- found himself an unlikely target of Femen when he drew fire by naming an all-male government. But this is no classic women's movement. In conversation, Femen activists invoke no role models. Ex-prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko, Ukraine's best known woman, is for them just another actor on a stale political scene. The explicitly sexual nature of Femen's protests -- young women stripping to the waist, cavorting provocatively and chanting near-obscene slogans -- raises the question of whether its activists are not undermining their own movement's values (hey, don’t f**k this up for everybody). But they themselves see no contradiction. "We started out being dressed but we found nobody took any notice. I'm a big fan of taking off our clothes (giggidy!). It's how we get attention for our views," said Shevchenko. "It's all we've got, our bodies. We are not ashamed of this," said 20-year-old Inna, a journalism student. Hutsol says about 300 young women take part in protests, but Internet and email contacts indicate a support base of about 25,000 people. Financing, she says, comes from businessmen and local entrepreneurs who sympathize with their cause (in dollar donations?). Femen's first topless actions in mid-2009 targeted the sex industry, prostitution and the spread of Internet pornography. Early this year the group widened its agenda when Femen activists, protesting about vote-rigging in the presidential election, staged a topless demonstration at a polling booth as President Viktor Yanukovich himself turned up to vote. Since then it has held about 30 protests in the capital Kiev including one outside the government building. Many of them are short-lived: a flash of skin and a hurriedly-squawked slogan before security men move in to hustle the Femen activists off-stage (BOOOO!!!). When Putin visited in late October, six Femen activists stripped to the waist near the statue of Soviet state founder Lenin and chanted sexually-charged slogans, telling the Russian leader to keep his hands off Ukraine. "Ukraine is not Alina," read one -- a reference to Alina Kabayeva, the Olympic gymnast whom media speculation links romantically to Putin. Hutsol said the Putin action clearly ruffled feathers and police had since questioned many of those who took part. Its small support base, meager resources, limited agenda and a "young-centric" membership suggest Femen has little prospect of broadening into a political movement. But in a country deeply cynical about politics, Femen represents -- albeit on a modest scale -- one of the few regular street protest movements. Asked if Femen had a political agenda for the future. Hutsol said: "We do have some ideas, some plans. We are working on them." So ladies & gentlemen, show your support for women’s rights by donating to Femen… and even better, by flashing at the next round of elections to bring notice to the plight of Americans during these times where the middle class is being twiddled away. Mmm… I’ve never wanted to be part of a Russian political demonstration more than I do right now…

Really? This is a Study? – Speaking of girls that can hold their liquor, some women may be able to do so as well as men do, but there's no equality when it comes to whose health suffers more for it. Excessive alcohol use takes a higher toll on women's bodies, with a greater risk of liver, brain or heart damage, among other devastating conditions. "We are very concerned about the fact that more young women are starting to drink in harmful ways, including binge drinking," said Dr. Deidra Roach of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. A decades-long study of data on more than 500,000 people nationwide indicated women ages 21 to 23 were the only group whose binge drinking has increased (college). The research, reported in the July 2009 issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, showed a 30% jump between 1979 and 2006 in women who binge drink (technically, downing at least four alcoholic drinks in rapid succession). The physical differences between the sexes play a significant role in how their bodies metabolize alcohol. Women have more body fat and less water in their systems than men do, as well as lower levels of an enzyme important in the breakdown of alcohol, according to the NIAAA. This means they experience the effects of drinking more quickly and for a longer time than men. Of the estimated 17.6 million Americans who abuse alcohol, 5.3 million of them are female, according to the National Institutes of Health. "Because women are smaller than men . . . the same amount of alcohol will be more concentrated in a woman's body than a man's body," said Roach, a health scientist administrator in the NIAAA's Division of Treatment and Recovery Research. "This means when a man and a woman drink the same amount of alcohol, in general, the woman's internal organs will be exposed to more alcohol than the man's."

For women, the consequences of drinking include damage to organs and increased rates of chronic diseases.
Liver damage: Women develop alcohol-induced liver disease - including hepatitis and cirrhosis - over a shorter period of time and after consuming less alcohol than men, according to the NIAAA. It may be the female hormone estrogen that increases these risks.
Brain damage: MRI scans have shown that certain brain regions are smaller in women alcoholics than in other women and in men who are alcoholics, even after measurements are adjusted for head size, according to the NIAAA.
Heart disease: Many studies have shown a drink or two per day is heart-healthy. However, other research shows similar rates of severe damage to the heart muscle among women and men who are alcoholics, despite the fact that women who are alcoholics consume 60 percent less on average over their lifetimes, according to the NIAAA.
Breast cancer: The risks of developing breast cancer go up dramatically for heavy female drinkers. According to Loyola Marymount University, a large analysis showed the risk of developing the disease jumped 9 percent for each 10-gram increase (0.35 ounces) in daily alcohol consumption, up to 60 grams (2 ounces).
Violent injury: Not only are women put at greater risk of being assaulted, sexually or otherwise physically, by heavy drinking, according to the NIAAA, there has been an increase over the past decade in the proportion of women drivers to men drivers involved in fatal car crashes. So please don’t drink & drive.

Unhealthy drinking habits place women at greater risk for a variety of adverse health and social consequences, including becoming infected with the AIDS virus, Roach said. "We are seeing a growing body of evidence that binge drinking is a major risk factor for acquiring HIV among some groups of women," she said. Even less serious conditions, such as sinus or bladder infections, can be brought on by alcohol abuse. Joyce Rebeta-Burditt of Los Angeles said she had chronic sinus infections when she drank excessively 40 years ago. Rebeta-Burditt has since become a UCLA-certified alcohol recovery expert and the author of two books about recovering alcoholic women. "Alcoholism is very dehydrating," she said. "I didn't appreciate how sick I was physically. I got IBS [irritable bowel syndrome] from alcohol irritation, and I still have bouts." Rebeta-Burditt compared alcoholism to diseases such as diabetes that "sneak up on people," making it difficult to know when the line has been crossed. "The difference is, most people know diabetes is an illness and don't know that alcoholism is, too," she said. Roach said the NIAAA encourages health care professionals to screen women of all ages for problem drinking, because symptoms are so easily overlooked. For example, in older women alcohol may be a "hidden culprit" contributing to depression, frequent falling or heart failure, she said. "Neither health professionals nor patients should ever simply assume that alcohol could not be a problem," Roach said. Sigh… so in short, the study shows that men can handle their booze better than women. Period. Did they really need to study that for a decade to come to that conclusion? Last weekend, I went drinking with Bubbles, a lovely creature who’s maybe pushing a hundred pounds… but she drinks like a fish. She wanted to keep pace with over a hundred kilos of Grade A American beef like myself… but I’m a lightweight when it comes to booze. In the end, I needed a little water in the morning to take care of my headache… and she spent the whole day in bed sleeping it off… and honestly, we’ve drank more together. Case closed. Pocket the rest of the grant towards my own research on how alcohol lowers inhibitions… or at least is a great excuse for being freaky.

Free Breast Exams? – That really works? Again, case closed on the whole inhibitions thanks to alcohol thing. An Idaho judge has set bond at $100,000 for a Boise woman police say posed as a physician and duped at least two other women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs. Hmm… apparently the key is to be a woman. They wouldn’t possibly want to fondle your breasts for the heck of it. Kristina Ross, 37, remains in Ada County Jail in Boise on two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license. Police say Ross introduced herself to victims -- one at a downtown Boise bar and the other at a nightclub in a Boise suburb -- as a plastic surgeon named Berlyn Aussieahshowna, a name that turned out to be bogus (gasp!!!). The two women told Boise officers they believed Ross was a physician because of her apparent medical knowledge (she used big funny sounding words), and they agreed to undergo what they thought were breast exams, which happened at the bars. As part of her ruse, Ross gave the women the telephone number of a real licensed plastic surgeon in Boise, the state capital, authorities said. Staff at that medical office became alarmed at the number of calls they received from women in recent weeks attempting to confirm appointments or surgeries with a Berlyn Aussieahshowna, according to charging documents. Medical workers on Tuesday alerted Boise police about the pattern, and they later arrested Ross. The suspect's gender is unclear (ugh… what?). Idaho court records show that Ross was arrested for petty theft in the spring and that the arrest warrant was issued to a Kristoffer Jon Ross. GASP!!! The Idaho Statesman website reported that Ross has a previous criminal record as a man but identifies herself as a woman and was booked into Ada County Jail as a female. Ugh… I know a way to clear up the misconception… but do I have to have a medical license before examining? Cosmetic surgical procedures Ross discussed with victims after she / he / it touched their breasts under the guise of a medical evaluation included breast augmentation and liposuction. The court on Wednesday found Ross was eligible for a public defender and set a preliminary hearing on the two felony charges for December 1. If convicted, Ross could face a maximum of five years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000 for each count. So ladies… the next time that you are at a bar… or a nightclub… and a person, male or female or all of the above, offers you a complimentary breast examination… BEWARE… because they may not be a professional. I know, I know, it’s quite unbelievable… as that’s pretty much the perfect place to locate a prospective client, perhaps buy her an adult beverage, gently break her down by pointing out what she may consider physical flaws (emotional erosion), offer her your expertise, give the business card… with cell phone number for “emergency” calls & then a few weeks later she’s upgrading from C to DD. See ladies? Just because I know the game, doesn’t mean I’m going to manipulate you. I tend to rely on my gentlemanly ways… and that may be why I’m spending my nights alone. Oh well, at least now I know that even if I have absolute consent to handle your chesticles, but it’s under slightly false pretenses, I face five years in prison. Do you at least see how it can be frustrating & confusing? Maybe this is why I’m in so many sexual harassment classes at work…

Even Their K-9s are Smaller - Meet Japan's newest police dog -- all 3 kilos (6.6 lb) of her. In what is a first for Japan and perhaps the world, a long-haired Chihuahua named "Momo" (Japanese for Peach) passed exams to become a police dog in the western Japanese prefecture of Nara. The brown-and-white, perky Momo was one of 32 successful candidates out of 70 dogs, passing a search and rescue test by finding a person in five minutes after merely sniffing their cap. "Any breed of dog can be entered to become a police dog in the search and rescue division," said a Nara police spokesman. But he admitted that news a Chihuahua had been entered may still come as a surprise to many. "It's quite unusual," he said. Television footage showed the 7-year-old Momo bounding across grass or sitting proudly, long hair blowing in the breeze. Momo will be used for rescue operations in case of disasters such as earthquakes, in the hope that she may be able to squeeze her tiny frame into places too narrow for more usual rescue dogs, which tend to be German Shepherds (aka REAL dogs). The public response to the news of Momo's selection took police by surprise, the spokesman said, adding: "The phone's been ringing all afternoon." Probably from somebody looking to do a Taco Bell commercial. I just… don’t see this little peach striking fear into the heart of ninjas or anything… but hey, congratulations on being a pocket-sized rescue dog nonetheless. And yes, I could certainly make some kind of stereotypical joke about a dog in Asia… and some timeless Face/Off reference about how “I could eat a Peach for hours” but I think I’m going to take the high road. Wait, if I explain the joke & why I’m not going to make it… does that still count as taking the high road? Eh, ask the referee for a ruling.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Two more days until my mom comes to visit for Thanksgiving!!! Seriously can’t wait… I’ve missed her. Also, to celebrate Black Friday, we may do some Christmas shopping… and then take in the casinos, while Boise State comes to town to play the Nevada Wolfpack. It should make for a great game… and would be two undefeated teams if Nevada hadn’t had to travel to Hawaii to lose there… but oh well, it’s just one less team in the ultra-controversial BCS BS. Also, there’s a weekend coming up where there’s a Cash’d Out concert & Santa Beer Crawl in Reno… and then my work is having an anniversary gala… and I say gala instead of party… because the dress code is “elegant evening attire” so… I may be able to get my ballroom dancing on… ladies? It should make for a great start to the winter season… and I definitely want to get out there and do more and have more fun than last year when I knew nobody and didn’t know where everything was. I’ll make it an early resolution or something. Now that I have a little spending cash (very little) that’s my goal… because honestly, other than my roommates (current & former) I don’t really have anybody else that I can “hang out” with per se. Everybody else has a family or we’re just not that close or anything… but hey, I figure if I get out there, meet people at “things” and just let it be known that I’m not a hermit & am looking for peeps, then that’s a great start. Have a great day everybody!!!

Dark Knight Falls

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As promised yesterday, here’s a quick story about the dream that I had Wednesday night… enjoy…

So it starts out with a newsflash about the escalation of crime in the city, showing some bad footage of bank vault rubble, outlined silhouettes of chalk, interviews with the police commissioner, etc. and then the reporter is talking to Batman. Yes… BATMAN!!! He’s different though, obviously making daytime news interviews. “The mysterious Bat-Man now joins me, Mr. Bat-Man, who is behind this string of robberies and violent attacks?” (bad Christian Bale intimidation voice) “Well Gina, it appears that we have a new supervillain in town… and he goes by the name of… Wolf-Man. I’ve been working with the police department tirelessly to find out who this vigilante is & bring him to justice.” Then it goes to a little back-story, “Yes, it has been a few years of relative peace here in Gotham, thanks to the works of the Bat-Man. Over the years, with the imprisonment and controversial deaths of previous ‘supervillains’, there has only been a few isolated incidences… until the last year when bank robberies, murders, drug trafficking, explosions, all reached nearly epic proportions with no suspect… that is until this footage was discovered of the Bat-Man fighting the newly named Wolf-Man at the scene of a robbery attempt at a chemical goods warehouse last week. If you have any information regarding the true identity of the Wolf-Man, please contact…” “IT’S ALL BULLSH*T!!!”

Cuts to me sitting at a deli, having a sandwich with none other than Bubbles (yeah, calm down just a second, she’s made appearances in my dreams before, don’t be surprised). “Quiet down, $teve! What do you mean it’s bullsh*t?” “Sorry… (whispering now) but Batman’s playing the whole city for fools. He’s the one that’s behind all the crime the past year… and he’s making a f**king killing off it too… and because he weeded out all the competition behind his truth, justice & the American way stuff, he turn a blind eye to him as a suspect.” “What? Batman? Maybe we should cut the mimosas for today…” “Look, I’m… I can’t tell you why or how I know what I know… but please, just believe me. Have I ever lied to you before? Ever? About anything?” “Well… when you do, it’s always to make me feeling better… and you’re HORRIBLE at it so I can tell… but yeah, you’re not lying now. Why would he do it though?” “Because he could. Spoiled rich orphan with the only parental figure is an elderly butler who bends to his every whim, limitless resources, evil mean streak fueled by vengeance, physical prowess, political stature where he can be involved in every level of society, sure he may have started a few years back with the purest of intentions… wanting to avenge his parents death, which I’d like to mention, to this day has not been solved with any suspects, not saying he did it… but I keep an open mind.” “Wait, what are you talking about? Nobody knows who Batman is...” “Please… he’s Bruce f**king Wayne, the paper trail is there, I looked into it… and it’s fairly obvious. Who else can have vehicles like that that isn't military? There's only a few bazillionaires out there. Look, even if that were the case, pure intentions of cleaning the streets, after a while, maybe the anger & vengeance started to take over… or was satisfied and then his intentions turned into greed… or even pride… maybe he realized that he was better than all of these guys that he was putting away. Maybe he saw an easy way to get even richer, by eliminating the competition, and using them as scapegoats for his crimes. See? I first thought of it about four years back… remember when the Riddler was arrested?” “Yeah…”

Cut back to footage of the Riddler (Jim Carrey version) being arrested in handcuffs in the green leotards with question marks on them, and as he’s being carried out to the police van, he’s screaming “I GAVE UP MY LIFE OF CRIME!!! I’M A BUSINESS MAN!!! BATMAN SET ME UP!!! IT’S NOT A (bleep) RIDDLE, JUST SEE WHO STANDS TO GAIN FROM MY DISAPPEARANCE!!!” Reporter: “Convicted felon and billionaire software mogul Edward Nygma a.k.a. the Riddler was arrested today under suspicion of returning to his life of crime that he was acquitted of several years ago, when footage showed a man in the outfit fitting his description robbing the Gotham First Bank (grainy surveillance camera footage).” Back to my voice, “I was curious with how quickly he was convicted after that, declared dangerously insane, and sentenced to serve out his term in solitary confinement at Arkham Asylum, and it got me thinking about it… so I requested to speak with him…” Flash to me walking down a hallway ala Silence of the Lambs… with the Riddler (Frank Gorshin now) doing an uncanny Hannibal Lechter, “Good evening, $teven. How are we this evening?” “Dr. Nygma, thank you for your time. I just wanted to talk with you if I may, about the comments you made while you were being arrested.” “My young lad, don’t you know that I’ve been certified as insane? Anything I say is not to be taken into account by anybody, no matter how based in logic & fact. Besides (he motions me to come closer and whispers) bats may be blind… but they have ears everywhere.” “I see.” “So riddle me this…” “No, please… Doctor, I’m a simple man. Please no riddles. I’m trying to help you clean your good name.” “Good sir, my name is far too soiled for even the kindest of hearts to wash my sins away. I truly was an evil man obsessed with… the mere idea of showing that I was smarter than everybody out there… and could get away with anything, no matter who I hurt along the way. Then… the Bat came along… and I saw the err of my ways. So I focused on my company… and we made BILLIONS!!! I was the toast of the town… but I was cutting into Bruce’s… oops… I meant the Bat’s business. I’m sorry, did I give that away?” “Oh no, I’ve known that Bruce Wayne is Batman for a while now. I’m surprised it’s not common knowledge honestly.” “Oh… well, anyway, he was no longer the prodigal son of Gotham. Even after the ‘mysterious’ deaths of the other villains in this very same prison… or them just moving on to other cities… even though he was the only player left in the crime world, I was still beating the Bat in the business world… and he wasn’t about to lose that game… and so he framed me, using my past and his resources for swift brutal ‘justice’ and I’ve been here ever since. You are the first person to see me since my trial that wasn’t ordered by the court system… and even then, only twice. I’m completely shut off from the society that I can only assume he still is a major figure. Good riddance to the sheeple”

“Doctor, I guess my question now is… what do we do? How do we stop him?” “Heroes have little place in this world… and much more to lose. Not just your money, your possessions, your LIFE… but your conscience, your values, your very soul (sniff through the holes in the Plexiglas) and the people that you love. I can smell it on you. He will use her against you, you know. As well as everybody else. I only tell you this because I can sense you’re a good man and people love you in return. I have nobody… nothing… but because I warned you of this, he may take the only thing that I have left. I can only assume since you’ve made it this far that he doesn’t see you as a threat. Just a young man with a curiosity. If people never learn of his misdeeds, then I fear of a future where he has the public completely fooled… and everybody will be bending to his whim, not just under brute strength & political power, but worse yet… they will believe him & the image that he stands for. Good people will be doing unspeakable evils… and not even knowing it. As you know, it wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened. I warn you though… he is an abominable foe. He’s absolutely brilliant, infinitely resourceful, well-connected, charismatic, devious, almost superhuman in every way… but he is not perfect. Sure, he prides himself on witling away any weakness… but he is not a God. At least… not yet perhaps. Go! I’ve already said too much. Please just consider this the rambling of a lunatic. GUARDS!!! Take this moron from my sight. Come back when you’re a broad and want a conjugal visit!”

Back to Bubbles & I at the deli, “He said that?” “Yeah, I thought it was hilarious once I got out to the parking lot… but at the time, I was really creeped out.” “But $teve, don’t you think that somebody else would’ve found out about this if that were the case? You know… the police… the news…” Banging on the table, “F**k the police and F**K THE MEDIA!!! (Look around the deli) Sorry everybody! (back to whispering to her) See, even the good cops are all about protecting justice & safety… and that’s what the Bat-Man stands for. They’re not going to turn on him. He owns the media… and it’s all about public perception anyway… and nobody’s going to go against him now that they have this Wolf-Man scapegoat that he can blame everything on. I’ll bet you that this Wolf-Dude or whatever is just some guy who was trying to get some evidence against him… or catch the Bat-Man redhanded… and then accidentally bumped a light while hanging in the rafters of a ‘chemical warehouse’ where a drug deal was going down and then quickly found himself dodging bullets from drug lords before getting his ass kicked by a spoiled douche in a robotic soldier suit. It could happen to anybody.” “That reminds me, how are your ribs? What did you say it was? A bike accident?” “YEAH! Yeah, I wanted to see the… coastline and… you know, I’ve been trying to stay fit the past few years so… yeah, then that car hit me.” She touches them and I wince at the touch, “Oh sorry, they must still be pretty tender.” She brushes her fingers through my hair and… that always has a positive effect on my whole body. “You’ve got to be more careful out there… and get more sleep. No more late nights out doing your gigolo thing or whatever. I worry about you. What the… is that a bullet hole?” “No, I think that was from… the pedal. Yeah. Sigh… okay, I’ll try… but you know you’re the only girl for me… all these other girls are just for the dough.” “You’re so full of it. I like that I can tell when you’re lying though. You may not want to tell me about how you really hurt yourself… but I love it when you talk about me, because it’s always true. Anyway, okay, I’ve gotta get back to work.” Hug, “Have a great day!” “You too. Call me tonight, alright?” “Always. (to myself) I’d better get a nap in before work too.”

Then all of a sudden, I’m standing on the roof of a twenty-story building in probably the most ridiculous superhero outfit EVER. I’m talking a cap that’s like a plush wolf that’s tore up and has like blood stains or something on it on the head and over the ears, Kato mask, knee & elbow pads, black long sleeve shirt with pads or something under it, grappling hook, some kind of Craftsman utility belt, and my super high tech equipment… are some power tools, a Billy club, tasers, a few knives, a pistol (because I ain’t Batman) and of course… a few grenades… just in case sh*t gets real. And please don’t ask me why I’m dressed like a wolf… because I honestly have no idea… but I assume it was thought out ahead of time as a way to both intimidate… and use as a possible insanity plea at a trial if I were to be arrested. Oh… and of course the key feature of my array of weaponry, my cell phone, which I’m apparently using trying to find where my destination is. “F**king GPS, I’m not on Lincoln, I’m on a rooftop over MLK. That’s it, I’m using Mapquest. Oh good, that’s it right over there.” By the way, I don’t know if you picked up on this a while back… but apparently… I am Wolf-Man. I know, not exactly a huge secret or anything… but that’s why the hesitation and the lying to Bubbles and all that… just in case you were a little lost, there you have it. Also, try to forget the whole metaphor about rich people using fear, manipulation & scapegoats to get people to do ridiculous things and all that… it’s just a dream, not a political statement.

Anyway, moments later (don’t ask me how), I’m hiding on a rooftop across the street from a diamond storage facility. Apparently I’m staking it out… keeping an eye on activity in the area… and then the phone vibrates (cuz I’m a stealthy ninja in wolf’s clothing). “Not now.” It’s Bubbles. I send her a text saying I’m at work, she needs a ride home from the bar and wants her white knight (not Dark Knight), so I give her the number for a cabbie, all via text, so I’m not paying attention for a few moments. I look back to the diamond place, something isn’t right, then I’m picked up by the back of my neck and raised into the air. I hear that horrible Christian Bale voice, now digitized like it’s in auto-tune, behind me, “I never understood texting. Far more distracting than just talking on the cell phone. Nice to meet you again. How are the ribs?” He kidney punches me and the pads do very little in regards to protection. “Still a little tender I see.” He twists me around and now I’m looking at what I can only describe as… picture Batman & Predator’s bastard robot offspring. Like a Predator helmet with red eyes & the Batman ears, black titanium anatomically correct robo-suit, yeah… pretty intimidating and just holding me by the neck with one hand. My right hand’s reaching for my gat, but the holster’s empty. “Don’t worry, that already went over the edge. We weren’t properly introduced the last time we met and you startled my business partners. I’m Batman… and I run this city. And you are?” “The guy who’s going to put you away forever.” “Good luck with that. This is going to sting a little.” There’s a quick pinch in my neck like a needle through his hand. “Hmm… $teven Love… it’s funny how much you can figure out by a quick blood sample when you have the right technology. Let’s see, college graduate, one brother, stepsisters, FOUR parents… aaaaaw… I’m jealous… brings a tear to my eye. A few speeding tickets, blah blah blah… ooh… what’s this? Just became a suspect in the murder of two police officers? Transferred his life savings to the Wayne Orphanage? That’s very noble of you, $teve. Too bad the kids won’t see a nickel of it. Wasn’t that much anyway though.” I can barely breathe but that doesn’t mean I can’t retort, “That’s okay. Money isn’t everything. Besides… I owe you for the damages.” “What damages? You barely winded me the last time we fought.” “Yeah, well, this can’t be good for your suit…” I jam a taser into a gap in the armor in his neck, pull the trigger, sparks fly, he drops me, I gasp for air, as he stumbles I grab a large knife and stab him in the right armpit but it doesn’t go in too far, there’s still some blood though. So I take it out… and basically run like a b**ch swinging down the alley way with my grappling hook… but I left him a little something too. BOOM!!! A grenade goes off on the rooftop where I just was. I get about a block away and look back, can’t really make much out other than there’s a lot of smoke… and then I see a shadowy figure step out of it. “Sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit…” and I’m off like a prom dress. Not sure exactly how (it was a dream) but I’m kinda glide swinging above the street like Spiderman or something with a pair of grappling hooks.

I look behind me… and of course Robo-Bat can apparently fly with a jet pack or something, though obviously damaged because he’s all over the place. His mask is off though, which I guess is a start. He’s catching up fast. I’m trying to think of what I’m going to do when he gets close… and nothing’s coming to mind. I mean… the grenade didn’t do much, right? Okay, head is exposed, that’s going to be the focus, oh sh*t!!! He just caught up and slammed into me. I squirm about a bit and he’s flying on his back with me on top as I try to punch him with the grappling hook in my hand. He’s blocking with his forearm. We struggle for a bit… and then I realize the streets getting close, so I try to jump away but he’s got a hold of my shirt or something. SLAM!!! He hit into a cab driving down the road, taking the roof off, he keeps flying down the road a bit and I fall into the back seat of the recent drop-top. There’s screaming and the cab is swerving and horns are blaring. “AGH!!! F**K!!! These pads do nothing (holding my ribs)…” “$teve?” What the hell? I glance over… and there’s Bubbles in the back seat. “How are you… look, ma’am… please remain calm and stay down.” “You’re the Wolf-Man?” “There’s a perfectly good explanation for all of this at the appropriate time… but I’ve gotta get out of here. Don’t call me, I’ll call…” THUNK!!! Robo-Bat lands on the trunk, wraps both arms around me, and then we fly off upwards (apparently I didn’t hurt his arm enough to render it useless). As we fly off I hear a scream from the cab, “$TEEEVE!!!”

I hear him laughing as we fly off, “Sounds like somebody recognized you… don’t worry, I’ll deal with her after I’m finished with you.” I’m trying to get an arm loose or something but he’s really crushing on the ribs at this point… and we’re halfway to the moon from what I can tell. “Gorgeous girl… too bad she hangs out with the wrong crowd.” I’m trying to tell him to stay the f**k away from her… but I can’t really breathe (pillow maybe). I’m searching my pockets for anything that I could use… and then I find it… a grenade. Okay, one thing’s in my favor, just don’t drop it. I’m trying to say something, “Pl… plee… please…” “What’s that? Are you begging already?” He loosens his grip a bit. “Please… please shut the f**k up!” I reach my arm up throw the grenade down his collar, poke him in the eyes, and he let’s go of me as he’s trying to reach down into his suit to get the grenade… and now I’m free falling. BOOM!!! Okay, at least he’s gone now… but I’m looking down at a city a few miles below me and approaching fast. Why didn’t I pack a parachute? Oh yeah… I needed space for the baseball bat & didn’t think I was going to be at a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Well… needless to say… the dream ends about half way through the free fall… ta-da!!!

So what do you think? Does it have the makings of a Hollywood movie or what? Yeah, there are a few inexplicable things… but what do you expect? Feel free to analyze all you want… but while you do that, have a great weekend!!! I’ll be in a blizzard for the next few days. Winter is officially here.

Sexiest Man Alive Snub

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… this weekend is the one year anniversary of my moving out here to Lake Tahoe… and man, did it fly by? I’ve been kind of looking back and seeing how things have changed since then… as I often do. I love it out here. But is it home? Not yet. Obviously I miss all my family & friends… and I haven’t met a whole lot of people here… but hey, these things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so why should Home be any different. I’ve seen many beautiful things and have had wonderful experiences in the past year… and luckily I’ve been able to share them with a lot of the people that I care about, even if just for little spurts. Anyway, maybe more on this a little later… but then again, maybe it’ll pass once my mom comes to visit for Thanksgiving next week. Who knows? My mind is kind of that way. Easily distracted at times, yet always going a hundred miles an hour at least.

Last night, I finally watched “Predators” starring Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne and Danny Trejo. It starts off with people literally falling from the sky… reaching terminal velocity… and they have no idea where they are. They just wake up and their free falling with a parachute on them. They wake up and just before impact, the chute opens and they land. Where are they? A jungle somewhere… maybe the Amazon… or Afrika. They meet each other… and try to find out what’s going on. Last they remembered, they were in jail, in a war, operating, drinking at the bar, whatever… then there was a flash of light… and they woke up free falling. Well, as the previews kind of gave away, they were dropped into basically what is a gaming reserve for a race of aliens who pride themselves on their hunting skills… and they aren’t the only prey either. Oh… and the gaming reserve is on an alien planet… so now they have to find a way to get off the planet… and not be turned into a trophies by these supreme hunter aliens. Now, you know that I’m a big fan of the previous Predator movies… and this one is actually pretty damn good. Sure, there are a few cheesy lines, plot holes, predictable twists, etc. but for the most part, it’s great action, pretty good suspense, and I really enjoyed this movie. I highly recommend it to anybody who can stand giant blood splatters and the sight of a spinal cord and skull being ripped completely off a human in one swift motion… and don’t worry, it’s in the dark, so not as gory as you might think. It’s also from director Nimrod Antal (“Pathfinder”) so it’s pretty good for that genre.

Also, my roommate got home about half way through the movie, so I offered to fill him in on what was going on… and I basically gave him a spiel like I just gave you with the basic plot… and of course, trying to keep the mystery & mystique that the movie was going for. He basically looked at me and said, “Dude, you should make movies?” Now, I have never really told him about the past scripts and ideas that I’ve written down here and there or anything like that. “Why do you say that?” “Well, I know that you like movies… and you always tell me these stories about your past or just random stories about whatever when we’re watching TV and… I don’t know, you seem to really like them… and so I figured that you might like the idea of making them, you know?” He was a little drunk, I’m not going to lie… but still. “Well, maybe you’re right man. I had thought about it before… even wrote a few quick stories down.” “Yeah, I figured you might have. That’s cool man. Well hey, let’s watch this one and we’ll talk about this another time. I’m kinda tired right now.” So yeah… maybe that’s my calling or something… and I just haven’t done it. I have an odd interpretation of the world… a view askew if you will (shout out to Kevin Smith) but it’s not exactly easy to get into the movie business… and even then, it’s basically a circle jerk of ideas and your idea for a great film may get studio-ized into something that makes “Speed 2” look like “Citizen Kane”. So yeah… we’ll see how that all works out. The funny thing is… when I went to bed… I had another dream… that played out like a pretty interesting movie. Do you want to hear about it? No? Well, I’m gonna tell it anyway… but because it was a bit of a story, and it’s taking a while to type up, I’ll have to feature it tomorrow. I thought it was pretty interesting… so feel free to analyze my many issues… tomorrow…

Sexiest Man Alive - Can life get much better for Ryan Reynolds? After all, he's married to Scarlett Johansson (featured last week). Oh, apparently it can. People magazine has bestowed its "sexiest man alive" title on the 34-year-old actor. Reynolds is about to star on-screen as the Green Lantern. The Canadian native told People: "The sexiest thing about Canadians is that there's an inherent ability to be self-deprecating. That has served me well in my career and personal life." It's the 25th anniversary of People's first sexiest man — Mel Gibson (oh how times have changed). Others given the title include John F. Kennedy Jr., Harrison Ford and Richard Gere. George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp have won it twice. People announced its 2010 list on Wednesday… and in case you were wondering why I was yet again left off the list… it’s because I don’t have a good publicist. I am accepting applications for the position though. Seriously, Ryan Reynolds got a part for a character in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” who doesn’t even speak… but they adapted it so that he (and Hugh Jackman) could spit out a couple bad one-liners. That’s what a good publicist can do for your career. Like a good Wingman… or a Chick-n-Wing. Anyway, congratulations Ryan… and I still remember “Two Guys, a Girl & a Pizza Place” glad that you could overcome it.

Flirting Study - There is a lot more to flirting than fun, according to a new research study that says finding success in romance depends in part on understanding your own personal "flirting style." Whether or not you prefer sidling up to a stranger in a bar or you'd rather sit back and wait for an object of attraction to approach are distinctions that once recognized can help people navigate the rocky seas of relationships, according to Jeffrey Hall, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. Hall recently completed a study into styles of flirting among dating adults, surveying more than 5,100 people regarding their methods of communicating romantic interest. "Knowing something about the way you communicate attraction says something about challenges you might have had in your past dating life," Hall said. "Hopefully, this awareness can help people avoid those mistakes and succeed in courtship." Hall said there are essentially five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. In physical flirting, people express their sexual interest in a potential partner and, he says, often quickly can develop the relationships, have more sexual chemistry and have a greater emotional connection to their partners. Traditional flirts tend to believe that men should make the first moves, with women assuming more passive roles. Both sexes comfortable with this style seem to prefer more "intimate" dating scenes, he said. There are many people whose flirting styles fall into the category of "playful" and are aimed largely at enhancing their own self-esteem, Hall said. These people are less likely to have lasting and meaningful relationships, he added. "In some ways, the very early part of developing relationships is important to the success of long-term relationships, including marriages," he said. Hall co-authored the article with Steve Carter, senior director of research and product development at online dating site eHarmony.com; and other researchers. Interesting, right? Know what I found interesting? Did you notice that polite & sincere weren’t even mentioned or elaborated upon? Now… many of you who have witnessed me at work know that I’m all about the playful flirting with ladies… who let’s say are a little out of my age demographic… and that’s more for their self-esteem than mine (though it doesn’t hurt). Yet I wonder… does that seem to carry over into my sincere or traditional flirtation when I’m really looking to build a relationship? God knows I’ve steered away from Physical (except maybe dancing on the rare occasion while intoxicated) thanks to what seems like constant sexual harassment training… and I’m always polite… but yeah, I wonder if it’s my flirtation style that has led to my “cold streak” rather than geographical movement and… just plain sh*tty luck with dating… or partner selection. Who knows? I sure the f**k don’t… but gotta keep out there and trying, right? Maybe there’s more to this study… I’ll have to investigate and let you know. Who knows? Down the road… maybe I’ll pull one of these out on somebody…

Expensive Rock - A rare pink diamond fetched 45.44 million Swiss francs on Tuesday. Don’t worry, you know how conversion is… and it sounds like a lot of money, but that’s only about $45.75 million, which virtually doubled the previous record to become the most expensive stone ever sold at auction and underline the strength of the international jewelry market. The rectangular step-cut pink diamond, which weighs 24.78 carats and is about the size of a pinball (bling BLAUW!!!), was the star lot among nearly 500 on the block at Sotheby's semi-annual jewelry sales in Geneva. Top diamond dealer Laurence Graff, bidding by telephone, was the buyer of the diamond which is mounted in a platinum ring, the auction house said in a statement. "It is the most fabulous diamond I've seen in the history of my career and I'm delighted to have bought it," said Graff, a Briton who began his career as a teenager in London's East End and now resides in the Swiss resort of Gstaad. "It is a world record price for a jewel at auction," said David Bennett, chairman of Sotheby's jewelry department in Europe and the Middle East, as he brought down the hammer to applause in the packed sales room. "It's like pink champagne," he told Reuters before the sale. The stone, purchased from American jeweler Harry Winston 60 years ago by the anonymous owner who consigned it for auction in the Swiss city, had a pre-sale estimate of $27-38 million. Previously, the world's most expensive jewel sold at auction was the historic "Wittelsbach" blue diamond, a 17th century stone of 35.56 carats that fetched $24.3 million in December 2008 at rival Christie's. That was also purchased by Graff of Graff Diamonds, who later had it repolished, making it smaller at 31.06 carats, and renaming it the Wittelsbach-Graff Diamond. He is the controlling shareholder in the South African Diamond Corporation, a diamond wholesaler and manufacturer based in Johannesburg and a major shareholder in Gem Diamonds Ltd, according to his website. Gem Diamonds earlier this month said it had found a 185-carat rough white diamond at its Letseng mine in Lesotho. "Laurence Graff is a great connoisseur of gem stones. He certainly now owns two of the greatest stones in the world," Bennett told reporters on Tuesday night. "There were four active bidders for the diamond, which at that level is quite extraordinary," he added. "It tells you a lot about the health of the market." Bennett, noting that pure diamonds and vintage pieces by French jeweler Van Cleef & Arpels commanded high prices, said: "The market for fine gemstones and fine jewelry is as good as it has ever been, it is very, very strong." A pair of fancy blue diamond and diamond pendant ear clips by French jeweler Alexandre Reza soared to $1.79 million, tripling the low end of its pre-sale estimate. It went to a New York-based dealer, according to the auction house. The sale netted $105.05 million, a world record for a jewelry sale, exceeding the previous record of $68.5 million also set by Sotheby's in Geneva in 1993, its statement said. In all, 397 of the 487 lots on offer found new owners, for a sell through rate of nearly 82 percent by lot. Christie's holds its Geneva jewelry sale on Wednesday. Eric Valdieu, a former Christie's jewel expert in Geneva now of Valdieu Fine Arts, told Reuters as he left the Sotheby's sale: "The prices were stronger than in 2007-2008, that's why everyone has a smile on his face." "The reason is the bad performance of the stock market in the last year or two. Nobody knows what they are buying with stocks, but here they are buying something solid and tangible. The top quality jewels are even more expensive than they should be," the Frenchman added. So there’s some financial advice for you straight from Dr. Love. Don’t invest in stocks (fool me once, shame on you…) but rather, invest more than a hundred times what you’ll ever see in your lifetime even if you visit the U.S. mint in a rock about the size of a Cheerio. It makes perfect sense… because it’s hard and tangible. Look, the best investment you can make with regards to a diamond… is to give it to somebody that you love and want to spend the rest of your miserable life with. That’s the best advice that I can give you. Invest in who wears the diamond.

Priceless Rubble – As you know, I really like Pompeii. I’ve been there twice… and it was a dream of mine to write a movie about in high school with a buddy of mine in AP Literature (think “Last Days of Pompeii” meets “Gladiator” with “Avatar” style CGI for volcanoes). Unfortunately, the incredibly preserved ruins of Pompeii are falling to the elements now that they are exposed for the world to see. More buildings inside the ancient Roman city of Pompeii could collapse, Italy's culture minister said last week, a day after a 2,000-year-old house once used by gladiators disintegrated into rubble. The collapse at one of Italy's main tourist attractions was a source of embarrassment for the government and the country. President Giorgio Napolitano (you HAVE to say it with the accent) said it was a "disgrace for Italy" and demanded an explanation. Culture Minister Sandro Bondi, who went to Pompeii to survey the damage on Sunday, warned that other buildings could also fall, according to Italian news agencies. Given the number of buildings that need restoration, further damage is virtually "inevitable," said Daniela Leone, a spokeswoman for Pompeii's archaeological superintendence. "This is a vast area that requires maintenance, resources," she said. The house that collapsed on Saturday was used by gladiators to train before going to fight in a nearby amphitheater, as well as by other athletes. It was also a storehouse for weapons and armor. It was believed to have been built not long before Pompeii was destroyed in A.D. 79 by an eruption of Mount Vesuvius, which killed thousands of people and buried the city in 20 feet (six meters) of volcanic ash. The house was also partially destroyed during World War II, and the roof and some of the walls had been rebuilt. Bondi suggested that water infiltration following heavy rains and the heavy roof added during the postwar restoration were to blame. However, he said some frescoes on the lower parts of the walls may be saved, and urged more government funds for Pompeii. My solution – Make my movie with 10% of gross (not net) income going to the preservation of the city of Pompeii. What’s that Hollywood? Too much? Consider it this guy’s tithing towards a worthy cause. Oh, you need a script? Gimme the word and I’ll have a blockbuster storyboard by the end of the week… and don’t worry, I’ll explain the stick figures. I’m not that kind of an artist… besides you’ll just cast whoever you want in there anyway.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll have that dream typed up for ya… because I thought it was kind of cool… and patent pending as I see a pretty good SyFy TV movie out of it at least… which is ironic given my roommates comments last night. Have a great night everybody!!!

Legend of the Fall

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been almost a week… and what a busy week it has been. Let’s see, when last I left you, I was expecting visitors & my prediction of Michael Vick being the MVP of the NFL was a crazy man’s fantasy. Let me catch you up on what has happened since then. First off, unfortunately JL Clyde couldn’t make it out here for the weekend… so Friday I caught up on errands during banker’s hours (vehicle registration, insurance, etc) and then decided that I would spend about an hour at my favorite spot watching the sun set… and catch up with my mom and brother after his stint in jail. Oh… yeah, didn’t give you the details about that one, right? Well, let’s just say that it’s a good thing that I was two states away, they’re not talking to one another (so as usual I’m the mediator), he’s living with my buddy Isaiah for the time being, each time I’ve talked to him since he’s asked me for money (which I don’t have), and he’s pretty much being a douche… but that’s the usual. Anyway, here are some pictures of the sunset during my reflection on my life & current state of things (yes, apparently it’s that time of year again).

That night, I got a text message from Bubbles to go visit in San Francisco… and so the next morning I was there. Why not? I had a feeling it was going to be the last weekend of the fall (and apparently was right because we’re expecting 5-6 FEET of snow this weekend). Besides, I didn’t have any plans really. So we (she, myself & her friend Andy) met up, got some pho (Vietnamese food), a few bottles of wine, watched an episode of “Twin Peaks” which I don’t believe I had ever seen before… but apparently Bubbles said that she thinks of me every time she watches it… probably because she knows how I love cheesy soap opera acting, scene transition & story loopholes. She even tried to convince me that next Halloween we should dress up as Agent Carter (Kyle McLachlan’s character) & Log Lady. After that, we took a walk down to Crissy Fields to watch the sun set… and holy crap, it was just about the most romantic setting ever. Honestly, I couldn’t think of anybody better to share it with either… since you know, I’ve been livin’ la vida solo for a few years now. Anyway, enjoy the pictures…

Here is Andy & Micah

After the sun went down, we all went out to get some sushi in the area known as the Marina (along with a few bottles of warm sake… which is incredibly effective) and then went to a bar called Delaney’s for a few. Needless to say, Bubbles had the guys hanging all over her… but yeah, she was buying ME drinks so… take that bar douches. Witness the Gentleman Doctor. After that, we wanted to dance, dance, dance… and we were wearing all our favorite brands, brands, brands… so we went to Ruby Skye to get our dance on. The thing is… apparently I was the only one that was willing to shake my groove thing… so after about an hour & a few drinks, we headed back kind of early… like midnight, which is odd given some of our epic Vegas nights together.

The next morning, I was up bright & early so I was nominated to walk Brutis & Micah (roommate’s dog) while Bubbles slept in. Apparently she tried to keep up with the big boy drinking wise (since we finally had a DD that wasn’t me) and she forgot that I’m more than twice the body mass that she is. Oh… and I finally got to see her new crib & roommates. Nice place in the Presidio, which is exactly where I would live in San Francisco… because it’s not “city” and the roommates seem cool as hell. After she woke up, we & her roommate Swapna went out to have brunch (of course with mimosas by the pitcher) and had a great time. I had lobster mac & cheese, as well as the world’s driest turkey club sandwich, along with enough champagne with a splash of OJ to… well, apparently put a pair of gorgeous lightweights into a stumbling manner. It’s not every day that a man like myself gets to enjoy a fabulous meal with two beautiful women… and then carry their drunk asses home for nap time. Sigh… don’t judge. I like the fantasy world that I live in.

After that, I took a power nap while the ladies passed the f**k out and then said my goodbyes around sundown (5:30 PM) or rather “when the lights… go doooown… in the city.” I drove back taking the scenic route through the Golden Gate Bridge and was home just before 9 PM. Great weekend. Then again, I always seem to enjoy my time playing with Bubbles (save the day in the ER last July). She knows that I miss hanging out with her… but yeah, we get to meet up every so often and have a lot of fun. She was even going to visit this weekend… except again, we’re expecting 5-6 FEET of precipitation… and I’m pretty sure that Gretchen may have problems, less her Sylvie. Oh well, I’m sure she’ll visit and enjoy this winter wonderland in the near future. Worst-case, we’ll meet up again in Slick City for Christmas drinks.

Let’s see, what happened Monday? Oh yeah, busy busy at work as usual… and the Eagles destroyed the Racists… and Michael Vick is now the leading candidate for MVP (as foretold in the Prophecy) and then I went to bed to try and catch up on sleep missed over the weekend or something.

Tuesday, after work, I was invited on a special tour of the Thunderbird Lodge. Now, I had been so close to the lodge before when I stumbled upon the nude beach one summer stroll… but had I known this place was so amazing, I would’ve visited it much sooner. Basically, it was a lakefront mansion built by a man back in the 1930’s and it is just awesome! There’s a lighthouse, a rustic lodge area, card room overlooking the lake, secret tunnels, a giant fountain (awaiting refurbishment moneys) and is the nation’s only mansion / meeting center preserved on a national park, so any donations are tax deductible (hint hint). There’s also plenty of splendid open areas for receptions, wine socials, dancing, relaxing, and as we did… enjoying a glass of zinfandel at sunset with a wonderful host (the owner) telling us about the colorful history of the Lodge including lions, tigers & ghosts… oh my! Truly an awe-inspiring place. Definitely the kind of place I’m looking to retire to… but yeah, enjoy these pictures of it…

Thunderbird - Powered by two jet engines

After that, I met up with some coworkers for a little team outing at Bowl Incline. I’ve been here almost a full year to the day… and this was the first time that we were able to head out as a team and have a good time because we’ve been so busy (and budget allowed us $10 for two games, shoes & a couple Blue Moon ales). We really needed it too. There was definitely a bit of gruffness coming over the department the past few months with a lot of changes, confusion, challenges, overworked & understaffed… and my guess… probably a little bit to do with the end of summer weather too. Did I mention the 5-6 FEET of snow this weekend? Probably a few times… but it’s kind of important. Anyway, bowling was awesome, we had a great time, I bowled a 153 (followed by 108 when the beers started to kick in & my attention shifted to other things), and it was a great time spent with coworkers. Hopefully the first of many to come!!!

Also, on that note, we took a team photo on Monday… and the first mistake was they wanted me to wear a sweater & a scarf… apparently forgetting that I’m a heterosexual male, so I don’t do scarves. Anyway, I borrowed one… and the pictures turned out pretty well… but apparently I’m not the most photogenic guy in the world… but it REALLY doesn’t help when I apparently work with a bunch of supermodels. Seriously. It’s like an Abercrombie & Fitch ad… where Lurch from the Addams Family kinda stumbled onto the shoot. Oh well, it does make me feel a little sexier knowing that I blended somewhat well in the team photo (just stand out for obvious height reasons).

Anyway, that’s catching you up for the past week or so. Hope you all enjoyed it… and still no New Orleans pictures to share with you… but they’re on their way allegedly. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Best That Never Was

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I went home… and basically after making dinner, watched a bunch of WWII videos that my roommate had DVR’d. It was that Apocalypse series that you see the commercials for… but it was on the Smithsonian Channel… and it was pretty damn good. I’m always amazed by how much video there is of all these massive, horrible scrimmages… and of the executions. I know I’ve heard that Hitler was big on documenting his history and using the medium of film and all… but still, really? My roommate and I are grown ass men and we were just shocked at some of the things they had video off. It’s pretty impressive if you get the chance to check them out… but yeah, mature audiences only. Especially when they start talking about Eastern Europe and the assault on Russia and this “Final Solution” and all that. It’s not exactly an HBO miniseries at that point.

Also, I watched yet another installment of ESPN’s 30 for 30 series… and this one was about Marcus DuPree. Who the f**k is Marcus DuPree? That’s exactly what I said… and I’ve followed football for a while… but apparently it all happened about 30 years ago when I was a youngster. Basically, Marcus was a poor kid from Philadelphia, Mississippi who was basically unstoppable in high school football & the most sought after recruit… probably EVER when it came to college. Long story short, he was getting input from a lot of people (mama, Uncle Curlee, recruiters, the Reverend recruiter who eventually became his agent, etc) and ended up going to the University of Oklahoma for a year (after originally committing to Texas) then after a year or so there… he decided that he didn’t want to do it anymore… so he transferred to Southern Mississippi back home. When they were talking about making him ineligible for over a year, he wanted to go pro… but the kid was 19 at this time. The NFL would have NOTHING to do with him… so his reverend agent convinced him that the USFL was the way to go (remember them?). He played a few games for them with an epic 5 year / $6 million contract (big money back in 1984 sports) but then had a bad knee injury after a few games, went back home… and basically didn’t do much for the next five years. Oh, did I mention that he was 20 years old? When he played, he was unstoppable. Seriously, check the film… but he just seemed to be a poor kid who got taken advantage of here and there… and one knee injury and not wanting to play anymore is all it takes. Well, after that five years, he decided to try again… and in 1990, he played a few years with the L.A. Rams after a MAJOR comeback (he was over 300 pounds at 25 years old, then down to 210 or so when he made his comeback. Seriously though, it was an interesting story… and I thoroughly enjoyed it. There was even the little brother with cerebral palsy who inspired Marcus to play better. This 30 for 30 stuff is pretty good… and diverse too. There was the Ricky Williams one, Tupac meets Mike Tyson, the Once Brothers, the L.A. Raiders, Reggie Miller, the guy who ran across America a few times, Navratilova – Evert, pretty good stuff. I say check it out. In the meantime, here’s the news…

Obama Book – Apparently the former president George W. Bush (the W stands for Wetarded) has a new book that dropped yesterday… and apparently it’s juicy… but not really. I find it hilarious though that the thing that he was most concerned about & bothered him the most about his presidency… was when Kanye West said that he didn’t like black people after Katrina. Really? That was the low point? Not the actual clusterf**k that was the relief effort… but when ‘Ye called you out? You must REALLY like his music, W. Anyway, not to be outdone, somebody’s releasing a new book about current President Barack Obama… and if Bush can ramble on for a few hundred pages about what he did that was worthy of print, then you can bet this books is EPIC in scale… and it is. At a thumb-numbing 5,472 pages, a book devoted to the life of Barack Obama is probably not going to be on the President's list of beach reads, but its Indonesian author is hoping for interest from the White House. Hailed by Indonesian record keepers as the world's thickest book, "The Collection, Obama and Pluralism," was unveiled by local author, director and artist, Damien Dematra to coincide with a visit by the U.S. president which ended on Wednesday. At 34 cm (about 1 ft) thick, the hardbound tome chronicles snippets of Obama's life in Jakarta. The U.S. president spent about four years in Indonesia as a child with his anthropologist mother from 1967 and during his visit spoke fondly of those days. Jaya Suprana, curator of Indonesia's records museum in a nation obsessed with record breaking, said the size of the book beats the previous international title holder -- Agatha Christie's "The Complete Miss Marple," a relatively slender 4,032 pages. Author Dematra, who credits the start of his "Obamamania" to a dinner he attended at the U.S. embassy, has already completed seven books and a movie about the U.S. president in less than a year. Dematra good-naturedly shrugs off suggestions he is obsessed. "I don't mind; for me, the crazier, the better. He is someone I've been inspired by, giving me more understanding on the potential of dreams and pluralism." Dematra's book includes letters to Obama from students at his former school. One child with leukemia wrote to Obama asking for help with medical treatment in the United States. Other letters expressed admiration -- and sympathy for the job. "I think it's not exciting to become a president. Just look at President SBY," said one, a reference to Indonesian leader Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. "Every day he looks as if he has a headache. It must be even harder to lead the American people." Obama spent less than 24 hours in Jakarta on the second stop of his 10-day four-nation Asian tour. He flew on Wednesday to South Korea, where he attends a G20 summit. Sound like a gripping story? Yeah, I’ll probably pass on that one too. Besides, rambling about the same subject for over 5000 pages? That sounds like a dare to me… and have you seen my blog? No problem.

Most Influential Man – So who would you think would be the Most Influential Man? President Obama? Nope. Maybe the President of China? He’s beaten out Obama on a few lists with regards to the subject. How about a former MTV show host? Well… okay, how about if I told you the survey was taken by Askmen.com. Angelina Jolie? Megan Fox? Sorry ladies, it’s most influential MAN… and though you’re the total package… you just don’t have the right package. Nope. Talk show host Jon Stewart was crowned the most influential man of 2010, heading a list of 49 men who all swayed public opinion and were described as rule-breakers to some degree in a time of recession. Stewart, who hosted President Barack Obama on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" last week and held a "Rally to Restore Sanity" over Halloween weekend, claimed the No. 1 spot in an annual survey of about 500,000 readers of AskMen, a men's lifestyle website. He was followed by Microsoft's Bill Gates while Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of social networking site Facebook, came in third place. Apple co-founder and chief executive officer Steve Jobs came fourth. "We noticed the rule-breaking trend because it spans a lot of industries," James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen, told Reuters. He said this extended to people like musician Kanye West who ranked fifth, and actor James Franco at seventh, who proved he was more than just a movie star by enrolling in graduate programs and writing a book. Number 48 on the list was Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who stormed off his job with some profanities and a dramatic exit down an inflated emergency chute, winning widespread admiration. This month Slater, 38, pleaded guilty to two counts of criminal mischief and was ordered to undergo a year-long mental health program and receive alcohol and substance abuse counseling. "In the list last year we were looking more at guys who were players in the industry or were perceived as players, like (U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman) Ben Bernanke," said Bassil. "Guys are open to the idea of rejecting the status quo in some ways. They've kind of come to more admire these dudes who took it upon themselves to break out on their own and discover success on their own terms." Last year's list was headed by the character Don Draper from the Emmy-winning drama "Mad Men" who is played by actor Jon Hamm, followed by track star Usain Bolt. This attitude in 2010 could well be due to the recession and lagging recovery, Bassil added. "The terms that were dictated to us previously were terms such as 'work hard' and 'show up on time' and everything will be okay. That's all been kind of proven to be a failure," he said. One notable absence this year was professional golfer Tiger Woods, whose private life unraveled after allegations of infidelity late last year set off a months-long sex scandal. He eventually confessed to infidelity and was divorced from his wife, Elin Nordgren, in August. By contrast, talk show host David Letterman came in at 39 despite his on-air revelations about his affairs followed by an apology to his wife. "Guys obviously preferred David Letterman's response which was to be frank and sincere and 'fess up in the most public form possible rather than the route that Tiger Woods took, which was to try to hide it until it blew up in his face," Bassil said. Oh… and U.S. President Barack Obama fell to 21st place from the top five last year… but then again, it’s a website survey. It’s not exactly a sign that the world is coming to an end.

The End of the World – For years, I’ve been updating you on Sexbots (though the stories aren’t quite as plentiful as they used to be). All this time, I was sure (even before the revelation about snakes destroying us) that technology would be our downfall. We would marry our sexbots and never reproduce… because humans are just too damn crazy & dramatic… and gorillas just don’t work out (I don’t care what H.P. Lovecraft says). But now, some people are finding a loophole in bypassing the whole damn thing. You don’t want to have sex until you’re married? Okay, the answer: marry yourself. Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends… but there is no groom. Chen will marry herself. Uninspired by the men she's met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honor of just one person. "Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven't found a partner, so what can I do?" Chen said. "It's not that I'm anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition." Her T$50,000 ($5,675) wedding comes after online publicity that has netted 1,800 largely sympathetic comments. "I think there will be more and more girls like this," said "divagirl," who did not elaborate. Taiwanese women are marrying later and less often as their economic status advances, fuelling government concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on productivity (of all kinds). Only 40% of women surveyed earlier this year by the education ministry said they imagined married people could live better than singles, local media said. "I was just hoping that more people would love themselves," said Chen, who will go on a solo honeymoon to Australia. Chen said her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan. But as Chen cannot officially register a marriage to herself, if she finds a man later she will wed again. "If I had a steady boyfriend, I wouldn't do this. It would be offensive to him, anyway." I would assume the vacation to Australia by yourself would do it too… but hey, it’s all good Chen. Believe me, I’ve thought about marrying myself… oh yes… and not just the drive-thru version either. I’m talking minister, suit, even a little dress for my right hand (who spent the whole day at the spa & with a makeup artist), reception in Reno, a few family & friends in attendance, nothing too fancy or expensive, then a weekend getaway to Monterey… and by the time I’m done with the bride, I won’t be able to write right for a month. “Oh, you invited your sister Lucy? What a surprise! I hope you two have been doing your ergonomic exercises… cuz it’s ON!!!” God help us all if this idea spreads…

Porn Star Hunt - Sri Lankan newspapers on Tuesday published pictures of mainly women that police said had acted in locally produced pornographic films, part of a court-ordered crackdown and the latest sign of growing social conservatism. Police have identified 83 people they say have acted in the films found on websites, and got a court order to have media outlets publish their pictures to help locate the suspects. "This is illegal and we need them to be identified for investigations," police spokesman Priyashanth Jayakody said. The move is part of a crackdown on pornography in the Indian Ocean nation of 21 million. Yes, you read right. A crackdown on pornography! The Telecommunication Regulatory Commission has already blocked around 100 porn sites and police have been arresting people with porn in their mobile phones (apparently they don’t believe in privacy there either). Sri Lanka is a Buddhist majority nation, which also has Hindus, Muslims and Christians, and traditional values and more liberal social norms have generally co-existed well during its modern history. But there have been growing signs of conservatism. There is a movement within a faction of President Mahinda Rajapaksa's government to ban alcohol (GASP!!!), which has been resisted by the tourist industry which stands to lose revenue as it is rebuilding after the end of a three-decade civil war in May 2009. In March, Sri Lanka refused a visa to the Senegalese-American R&B singer and rapper Akon to perform in Colombo after Buddhists protested over a video in which he appeared briefly showed scantily clad women dancing in front of a Buddha statue. Hundreds of people stormed the head office of Sri Lanka's largest private broadcaster, which was the media sponsor for the Akon concert, in the ensuing uproar. Now, even their smut is at stake. Everybody knows that the best way to crack down on “perverted & illegal sexual behavior” is to send them to prison… where there is absolutely none of that going on. So keep your eyes out for Sri Lankan porn stars on the lam. By the way, is it wrong that I’ll see a perfectly average name like… Katie Morgan while doing my job… and then wonder if it’s THAT Katie Morgan? I didn’t think so.

Emergency! - Sony Pictures has optioned the film rights to Neil Strauss' non-fiction book "Emergency!: This Book Will Save Your Life" and are planning a feature which could well be a star vehicle for Robert Downey Jr. reports Variety. Strauss' book follows his three year trip traveling through the United States and his encounters with a population that has lost its sense of invulnerability and safety thanks to ethnic and religious hatred, and global disasters both environmental and financial. The official book description reads: "'Emergency' traces Neil's white-knuckled journey through today's heart of darkness, as he sets out to move his life offshore, test his skills in the wild, and remake himself as a gun-toting, plane-flying, government-defying survivor. It's a tale of paranoid fantasies and crippling doubts, of shady lawyers and dangerous cult leaders, of billionaire gun nuts and survivalist superheroes, of weirdos, heroes, and ordinary citizens going off the grid." Sounds like a great flick, right? Especially for Robert Downey Jr.? Kind of a “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” meets "Zombieland" meets “Into the Wild” or something. Allan Loeb ("Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps") is adapting the screenplay while Downey Jr., Susan Downey, and Michael DeLuca will produce. So there you go… nothing to fear. Iron Man is out there trying to restore your sense of safety & invulnerability. It’s going to be okay.

Anyway, JL Clyde will be coming to visit this weekend allegedly… so I’m looking forward to that. I’m sure there will be sushi & whimsical adventures involved… and plenty of pictures since it’s going to be beautiful sunshine the entire weekend (and just bitterly cold). Just a few more weeks until everything’s encased in snow again. Oh well, it’s still gorgeous… and I really like it out here. Miss all y’all reading this though, madly. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Scarlett's Body

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Whew… well, it’s been a few weeks since you’ve heard from me… and trust me, I’ve just been hellaciously busy… or drunk… but mostly the former. New Orleans was, of course, EPIC!!! Big shout out to Filly for hosting me during my adventure. One big issue though during this trip… I left my camera at home (probably a side-effect of waking up at 4 AM) but Filly was kind enough to lend me hers… and I had a cell phone… so though this entry won’t have all the pictures, one in the near future will. The copies are on the way. I just figured that I would fill you in on the events while they were still fresh in my mind… and then fill you in with the pictures… but that didn’t make much sense… so I’m just gonna give you some news. Sound like a plan? Alright…

Jolie Update – Since I just came back from New Orleans, just thought I should fill you in on some of their residents, Mr. & Mrs. Angelina Jolie. Oh yeah, they apparently have a place down there… which is awesome. Oh… and no, I didn’t meet up with them down there like I did in Vegas, though they could’ve probably used my help watching all the kids when they were trick-or-treating. Anyway, James Cameron (director of “Aliens”, “T2: Judgment Day”, “True Lies” and some crap that made billions) has confirmed he is in talks to direct a 3D film about Cleopatra for Sony Pictures according to The New York Times. "I’ve been talking to them about it, but no decisions have been made" said the "Avatar" director who also admits the subject matter always fascinated him. Of course, Angelina Jolie is attached to star in the project and Cameron is excited about the possibility - "It sounds hot, doesn’t it? I mean, Angelina Jolie and Cleopatra? To me, that’s like a slam dunk. Whether I wind up doing it or not, I think it’s going to be a great project." Keep your fingers crossed that Cameron gets it instead of Oliver Stone. You all remember “Alexander” right? What? You never saw it? Consider yourself lucky… and I’m a Stone fan. Oh… and of course there’s the obvious rumor of Brad Pitt (her balls & chain) playing Marc Anthony (not married to J-Lo) but yeah… all speculation at this point.

So what IS Brad doing? - Well, apparently he has backed out of saving the human race from zombies in “World War Z” to be a drug dealer. Plan B has acquired film rights to James Keene's "In With the Devil" which Brad Pitt is considering starring in reports The Chicago Sun Times. The project is the true story of Keene, a handsome football player turned big-time drug dealer and sentenced for ten years. The FBI offered him a quick release, in exchange however he had to go undercover as a patient in a sanatorium (fond thoughts of Brad in “Twelve Monkeys”) where he had to befriend a serial killer and get him to admit to his crimes. An Oscar-winning screenwriter is penning the script, but the paper doesn't reveal which one (Diablo Cody?). Sounds like an interesting movie to me. I’d watch it. Anyway, now that you’re caught up…

Total Re-Recall – Speaking of “Alexander”, Colin Farrell has emerged as the top contender for the lead role in the remake of the 1990 sci-fi action classic formerly starring the Governator himself "Total Recall" at Sony Pictures reports Heat Vision. Based on Philip K Dick’s short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale", the new version will be re-conceived as a contemporary take on the story (of colonizing Mars? Or just the whole fabricated memories thing… because that sounds a lot like “Dollhouse”). Farrell sits just ahead of actors Michael Fassbender (“Inglorious Basterds”) and Tom Hardy who're also considered top candidates, but no offers are officially out at present. Len Wiseman ("Underworld," "Live Free or Die Hard") will direct from a script by Kurt Wimmer. Neal H Moritz will produce and filming is aiming to begin around March. Sigh… so apparently it’s going to be a remake of a horrible sci-fi classic (one of those great bad movies) but… without Mars… and mutants… and aliens? There had better at least be a chick with three boobs. “You know one of those was paper mache, right?” Yes… and all I have to say is… start the reactor.

Scarlett’s Body – Speaking of sexy aliens, Scarlett Johansson (“The Prestige” & “Iron Man 2”) will star as an alien in the sci-fi feature "Under the Skin" for FilmNation according to Heat Vision Blog. Based on a novel by Michael Faber, Johansson plays an alien disguised as an aesthetically perfect woman who scours remote highways using her voracious sexuality to snare human prey (yeah, like “Jennifer’s Body” but with aliens, now you get the title). However, she soon begins to develop feelings of humanity which soon puts her in the firing line with her own people. Think "Species" meets "My Stepmother is an Alien". Jonathan Glazer (the horribly named "Sexy Beast") directs from a script he co-wrote with Walter Campbell. Nick Wechsler and James Wilson will produce, and shooting kicks off in the Spring. That’s right gentlemen… this one’s for you. Oh… and my early prediction – Sir Ben Kingsley will play the alien leader. Why? Because like any other movie decision he’s made over the past 25 years, he apparently needs the money. Besides, he has history with the director. Just a guess. Mmm… aesthetically perfect woman…

Careful! She's playing opossum...

Dear God, she can instantly change hair color too...

And she can escape any kind of Houdini-esque restraint...

because she'll convince you to free her with her eyes...

Sorry, I'm just reminiscing on the first time we met...

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Sorry I don’t have the New Orleans pictures yet but… patience. Have a great day everybody!!!