FLASH!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend was awesome...and full of visual goodness...so I'll give you a quick rundown. First off, I drove to my mom's in Eden (remember the Fortress of Solitude?) but it's not winter there, so it's not covered in snow...and surprisingly green. Usually this time of year, the trees are already charred a golden brown by the summer heat...but not this year. My brother, the kids, even his (sigh) not yet officially ex-wife was there doing lawn work. Yay, I showed up just in time to do some physical labor for the holidays. You don't want to hear about that...so I'll fast forward a few hours in the heat...and get to the Eccles Dinosaur Park in Ogden. What? That's right. I said the DINOSAUR PARK. I haven't been here since it first opened back in the mid-90's and it's changed quite a bit. Please enjoy the following pictures...

Just a cool sunset from last week

Ah, there we go...EDEN!!!

Kairi & Vinny show me their crib

...and my loyal assistant, Haji

The world just needs to get used to this view of Vinny

This...just...sounds...delicious

Animatronic MAYHEM!!!

Pop Quiz: What's this dinosaur?

Ah yes, the "giant four-footed, bird-like god of the western desert"

Now, for the safari, don't believe me?

How else would we get this trophy case?

"It's not what it looks like..."

Probably the nastiest looking dinosaur in the whole park

Glamosaurus - Really big in the 70's

Camousaurus...oh wait, I mean Camarosaurus

This dinosaur looks...special

"Oh my gosh, look at this one's balls!!!"

Brazilian Dinosaurs - They just have longer legs

"Trainwreck!!!"

That night, my brother got back from work late...and we drank a little bit. Just a little bit though, because we had a parade in the morning...and I was sleeping on a couch. Alas, we arose to a surprisingly early morn (okay so it was nine-ish) and went to the City of Huntsville's 4th of July Parade. Again, enjoy the visual stimulation...

My Baby...

...with Pooh & Roo still on the dash

Vinny & Ash - Yes, the sunburn hurts as bad as it looks

Kiel & Kairi

The best part of this float is when Brazil popped out of the cake

Before you get too excited, they're wet JUNIOR high school cheerleaders

"OH MY GOD!!! JACKO'S ALIVE & AFTER YOUR CHILDREN!!!"

Yes, that is a baby on top of the truck

The afternoon was spend watching G4 and watched "Flash Gordon" (which is absolutely ridiculously bad...yet I can't turn away...and Timothy Dalton was in it) and some viral videos on their shows entitled stuff like "World's Craziest Videos" and my personal favorite, "The International Sexy Lady Show" (Google it) in which they show hot chicks doing weird stuff across the globe...from television shows. We're such prudes here in the states. Oh...and then there was barbecue...and fireworks.

Cute story of the trip: So Saturday, I was entertaining the kids while my mom was cooking up some grub...and my niece Kairi asked me, "$teve, what color is yo eyes?" "They're blue, sweetie." "Blue? They're not green?" "No, they're not green like yours, Precious. Yours are special like that." "Like mommy's." "(Sigh) Yeah, like mommy's." "Yours are blue like daddy's." "Yup." "Can I see?" "Absolutely." So I lean in and open my eyes as wide as I can...and she's looks down into my right eye like she's looking into a microscope. Head cocked to one side, really looking into that thing...and I'm looking right back at hers. "You got pretty eyes, $teve." "Ah, thank you sweetie. Yours are pretty too." We stare harder at each other's eyeball.

Well, as I'm saying my good-byes, of course Kairi doesn't want me to go...and she's a little bummed. "You got go to work in the mornin'?" "Yeah, afraid so." "I wanna go see your window again." "My window? (Then it dawns on me that she's referring to seeing the view from my apartment in Denver) Oh sweetie, I live a lot closer now...but you can visit my apartment anytime...and we can go out on the balcony...and ride the alligator (what she calls an elevator) and it'll be fun." "Okay $tevie, I'll ask daddy when we can go visit." "Okay." "Hugs?" "Of course." We hug and she gives me a kiss...and then she gets real close and starts staring into my eyeball again like its a microscope...so I stare back...and she just starts laughing. "Okay sweetie, I've gotta go. (Set her down) Bye everybody!!! See ya in a few weeks!!!" Then I hear Kairi as I'm walking out the doors, "Bye $tevie, I love you" and my heart just melts again. "I love you too sweetie." Then I hear Vinny screech in laughter as I'm leaving too. Those kids are just too damn cute for words. That's probably why I post so many pictures of them. Anyway, hope you enjoy them too.

That'll do it for today...since I bored you with pictures of dinosaurs and young'uns. Tune in tomorrow when we talk about the mysterious death of a fellow $teve (anyone who watches Sportscenter already knows who) and other tales of intrigue from the headlines. Hope you're all having a great weekend!!!

Brit Free Since 1776

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well that time of year is upon us. A time to celebrate our nation's Independence from the British...like just about every other country of the former British empire thanks to guys like Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Gandhi, and various warlords in Afrika. Yes, it is the 4th of July weekend, which is supposed to be filled with fireworks, parades, kids waving flags, playing in sprinklers, women in swimsuits slowly bronzing by the pool, awkward advances by horny men in their twenties, potato salad, hot dogs, barbecue sauce, fireworks at the grill, the yearly corn dog, too much beer for grandpa, sun sickness, sunburn, too much candy for li'l Joey, wedding anniversaries, the fun never ends. Personally, I will be heading up to my mom's tomorrow...hanging with her for the day, then Saturday we'll be going to a morning parade with the niece & nephew, maybe get a hot dog for them at the Eden City Fair that they have, spend the day just chillaxing, then when the sun sets over the beautiful Wasatch Front, gaze over the valley to enjoy the fireworks show...then set off a few of our own. It should be a grand time. Oh...and then I'll be working "bright" and early Sunday morning. It's gonna be an awesome weekend.

Air Kiwi - Have you ever been bored out of your mind while waiting for your flight to take off? Of course you have...or I envy you. Well, Air New Zealand has hit on a novel way to make sure even the most jaded flyers keep their eyes glued on its flight safety briefing. The national carrier's safety video for domestic services on its Boeing Co 737 planes show pilot and cabin crew dressed only in body paint...but the safety message is kept seemly by carefully chosen camera angles. Of course, a copy of the briefing has been posted on the YouTube. The safety video follows the same tactic as the airline's recent marketing campaign for its low-priced fares, which featured staff, including chief executive Rob Fyfe, adorned in only body paint. Why? Sex sells. If you don't believe it, you're simply in denial...and its not the big river in Afrika. Go ahead and check out the link. You know you want to. Go ahead. Press play.

AHA!!! See? You clicked on it. You've proven my point. Thank you.

May God Strike Me Down - Police used a Taser on a pastor and pepper spray to disperse his congregants Wednesday after the pastor allegedly interfered with a traffic stop in the church parking lot. Congregants say they were in the Iglesia Profetica Peniel church for an early morning prayer when pastor Jose Elias Moran went to assist the stopped driver, a church member, by asking the police what had happened. An incident report on the Webster police department's Web site said Officer Raymond Berryman tried to calm Moran and arrest him...but police say he pushed the officer, went inside the church and returned with 40 other congregants. The congregants say Moran fled into the church when the officer grew angry and began to yell, and Moran's family disputes that the pastor touched the officer. Moran's son Miguel said 30 witnesses saw the officer turn aggressive and repeatedly kick the church door. Several members were hit with pepper spray and children were present, Miguel Moran said. "They treated him as if he were a drug dealer or murderer, but he is a pastor that tries to help the community. The police always want to be right but they are not." Moran's wife, Maria, said she tried to help her husband after he was hit with the Taser but police threatened to arrest her. "My husband has a heart condition and with electrocution who knows what could've happened. A pastor has to tend to his flock. That is all he was doing." Speaking from a hospital bed Wednesday night, Moran told The Associated Press he planned to hire an attorney to file charges against the officer. He was being held at the hospital overnight for additional tests. Police did not immediately return calls seeking comment and more details of the incident (no kidding). Police Sgt. James Lovel did not specify Moran's status, except to say he was in custody and negotiations for bail were taking place Wednesday night. Okay, so this got a little (lot) out of hand...but really, no matter what religion or nationality you are, or what position you hold in the church, you CAN'T TOUCH A COP...and then try to run inside of a church for sanctuary. That doesn't work anymore. However, there is one important question that I have for everybody involved: WHERE IS THE VIDEO FOOTAGE??? Did nobody have a cell phone with video capabilities? Security camera? I mean...it's not every Sunday where a pastor gets tasered in church. If it were, I'd probably still go weekly instead of...well, is decadely a word? Deca-annually or something like that? Weddings & tourism. That's my usual reason for going to churches...and it's rare. Anyway, show me to the video. Keep an eye out on YouTube everybody.

No More Russian Roulette? - Russia closed down its casinos overnight as gambling was banned nationwide, a move the industry says could throw a third of a million people out of work. The July 1st ban shut gaming halls, from gaudy casinos crowned by extravagant neon structures to dingy dwellings containing a handful of slot machines (and seedy basements for additional gaming purposes). "I feel terrible. We just let 1,000 people go," said Yuri Boyev, general director at Metelitsa, an upmarket casino where billionaires rolled the dice and Russia's gas giant Gazprom held a lavish Christmas party. Vladimir Putin, now prime minister, came up with the idea in 2006 when he was president after the Interior Ministry linked several gaming operations in Moscow to Georgian organized crime (the country, not the state). The Kremlin plans to restrict gambling to Las Vegas-style gaming zones in four rarely visited regions deemed to need investment, including one near the North Korea border, but nothing has been built and critics say the zones will fail. Though gaming establishments knew the shutdown date for at least a year, few thought the government would go through with it (much like the Cold War) but officials moved in overnight to close them down. The industry says the ban will axe at least 300,000 jobs but officials in Moscow put the national figure at only 11,500. Rows of slot machines, usually blinking around the clock in smoky, crowded halls, lay dormant and wrapped in cellophane. Moscow deputy mayor Sergei Baidakov, watching men dismantle poker tables and lay roulette wheels on the floor, said the state was ready to thwart any bid to move gambling underground. "We are confident we will control the situation," he said (probably while riding a tank and aiming an AK-47). He said the ban was to protect the health of society. Many critics in the gambling industry say it has more to do with Russia's poor ties with Georgia (apparently they're Gator fans). Georgians are thought to run many Russian gaming halls. City police stood on guard in case of protests by disgruntled former workers in the popular gaming halls that have sprouted since the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 and now pepper Russia's cities. A hotline was even been set up Wednesday to report on those suspected of operating illegal gambling. Moscow had around 550 gambling places, including 30 casinos in prime spots, symbolizing the capital's love of excess. Midnight on Novy Arbat street, the heart of the gambling scene, was muted as its flashing lights and loud music were turned off for the first time in over a decade. "I'm upset but I guess I'll have a little rest and re-visit my job situation in August," said Elena, a slot machine operator who has worked in the gaming business for five years...and now must resort to becoming a mail order bride (hey there, Mad Scientist). Each year gaming brought in up to $7 billion and paid $1 billion in tax, a gap the industry says will cause the state a budget headache (softened slightly by even MORE sales in vodka for unemployed workers). The development replacement zones -- in southern Krasnodar, the Baltic enclave of Kaliningrad, east Siberia's Altai region and the Far East -- require investment of up to $40 billion and have not been built...but now there are plenty of unemployed Ruskies to man those sites, I guess. Truly a sad day to see gambling end. What of gambling staples...like the free White and/or African-American Russians handed out by scantily-clad waitresses? Or everybody's favorite game of chance, Russian Roulette? Are you telling me that I have to go to seedy establishments in Southeast Asia after watching a Muay Thai kickboxing match to get my fix of a one-in-six chance of somebody blowing their brains out? Well, it's probably cheaper to fly to Bangkok anyway...so yeah, I guess so.



Well, that'll do it for today. I guess I'll see y'all shortly. Probably after the weekend...but we'll see. I'm easily bored...and I always have crazy sh*t on my mind. Maybe I'll share some of it with you. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Johnny 5 Is Alive

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I went for a walk with JL Clyde in the Avenues and ate at Pagoda, a wonderful restaurant with Americanized Chinese food made by Japanese people. It was really really good and I would recommend it to anybody in the area...and not terribly expensive either. I had the family dinner combo (because I was hungry) but I hear the Chicken Taatsuaage is supposed to be the best. The sweet & sour short ribs are breathtaking, I can confirm that. Also, I went to a Chinese Restaurant...so you know what that means...and it's a good one...

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You will soon bring joy to someone dear to you...in bed." - Tell me that fortune doesn't rock. I dare you. I'm all about bringing the Joy along with the Love...and especially to someone dear to me...and particularly in bed. The fortunes at Pagoda seem to be a lot more aggressive and awesome than the casual ones from Panda Express. "Something unexpected will happen" Really? That was...kind of expected. So yeah, really liked that fortune...and as you know, I like to share my fortunes...and mention anything involving pandas.

In far more tragic news, I got a call from Bubbles last night...and her boss HT (remember her from past trips to Vegas) had her "position eliminated" in a similar fashion to mine a few months ago. Damn economy. The really sad thing is that she's got a family to worry about...but I'm sure that she'll be okay. I've also decided to I'm going to go to Vegas in a few weeks for Bubbles' birthday. Apparently she would otherwise be alone...and we just can't have that...and it's been about six months since I went anyway. I need my fix. I'm sure that we'll have a lot of fun in celebration...and maybe a drink or two. Anything's possible.

Last night, I also watched another movie (GASP!!!) and this time it was "Valkyrie" starring Tom Cruise, Terence Stamp, Bill Nighy, Eddie Izzard, and a lot of other English actors playing Nazis. Bryan Singer ("Usual Suspects" & the "X-Men" movies) directed it...and it was very well done...even though, you kind of knew how it ended...or as I like to call it, "The Titanic Syndrome." The story is set during 1944 in Germany and about German officials plotting to kill Hitler, arrest the SS and take over control of the German government to form a truce with the Allied Forces in order to save Germany from total destruction. Oh...and because of the checks & balances of command and fear of the absolute power of a seemingly omnipotent dictator like Hitler, it all has to be done in a matter of about...three hours or everybody involved (and their families) face the firing squad or a noose for treason. It's actually a gripping story and great the way that it's told...but again, you've all read your history books...so you know how it ends...or do you? I say give it a gander if you're into WWII movies. Here's some news that you may not already know...

Short Circuit Update - Dan Milano ("Greg the Bunny" & "Robot Chicken") is set to script a remake of the 1986 family classic "Short Circuit" for Dimension Films says Variety. The original followed an armed robot that acquired a personality after a lightning strike, and sought the help of humans to prevent its destruction by its makers in the military. Milano plans to contemporize the story and bring a subversive edge to the original film scripted by S.S. Wilson and Brent Maddock. David Foster, Ryan E. Heppe and John Hyde will produce. Short Circuit was one of those dozen videos that I had growing up, so yeah...I can't wait to see even a remake of that show. Also, it has robots...and you know how I feel about robots when it comes to movies. Also with somebody from Robot Chicken writing it, that might actually make it pretty funny...and at least PG-13. Oh...and anyone who says that's a picture of Wall*E, you're mistaken. That's Johnny 5. Please recognize.

Nicolas Cage Update - This one's for Bubbles...because I know she's a fan. Monica Bellucci has joined the cast of "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" for Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Productions reports Variety. The story revolves around a sorcerer who recruits and trains a young protégé to help him fight the forces of darkness in modern-day Manhattan. Bellucci will play Veronica, a sorceress and the long-lost love of Nicolas Cage's character, Balthazar Blake. Jay Baruchel ("Tropic Thunder" & "Knocked Up"), Alfred Molina ("Boogie Nights" & "Spiderman 2"), Teresa Palmer and Toby Kebbell ("Rocknrolla") also star. Filming is underway in New York City with Jon Turteltaub ("Cool Runnings" & "National Treasure") directing. So yeah, remember Mickey and the broomsticks thing in Fantasia? This is the movie based off that clip. Disney & Bruckheimer are looking to do another multi-billion dollar trilogy like how "Pirates of the Caribbean" was based off an amusement park ride. The really funny thing is...it'll probably work. Why? Nicolas Cage...and Monica Bellucci sure doesn't hurt either. So yeah, keep an eye out for when this movie drops next summer...or probably more towards the holidays since it'll probably be targeted...er, marketed towards kids.

Mind the Gap - Many women taking the crowded train in Tokyo opt for women-only carriages during the rush hour to avoid gropers. Now, for fear of being accused of groping, some are asking for carriages reserved for men as well. Ten shareholders of Seibu Holdings, which runs trains in the Tokyo area, have petitioned for carriages reserved for men. "There have been many cases of groping, as well as false charges of groping, on Seibu Railway," the shareholders said in a notice seeking a vote at the company's annual meeting next Wednesday. "While measures against groping, such as setting women-only carriages, have been effective to a certain extent, no measures have been taken against false charges of groping... In the spirit of gender-equality, a male-only carriage must be introduced." Makes sense. False accusations of groping were highlighted when Japan's Supreme Court overturned in April the conviction of a professor for groping a girl on a Tokyo train. Judges pointed out a need to be careful in such cases when the accuser was the only source of evidence, media said. But the shareholder request for men's carriages may not be implemented, as Seibu's board of directors opposes the idea. "The reality is that we have few requests from Seibu Railway users for setting up male-only carriages," the board said in its reply to the shareholder request. In Tokyo, around 2,000 people were arrested for groping in 2007. Many crowded train lines, including Seibu lines, designate a carriage just for women during the rush hour. As awesome as a hot subway carriage full of sweaty Japanese schoolgirls sounds, I don't know if this is really the right thing to do in either way. Obviously we can't have groping and unwarranted sexual advances by creepy businessmen...but I'd hate for somebody to be falsely accused or imprisoned because some chick thought it'd be funny or fulfilling to get back at her daddy by ruining somebody else's life (oh it happens). I hate the concept of segregation...but I've also been in the subways in China...and there's really no way to avoid groping (though I didn't usually mind, I just didn't turn around & assumed it was a lovely young lady slowly navigating my waist in search of my wallet...which was in a VERY safe place). However, maybe it's the only solution...and now it turns to a hot subway carriage full of sweaty Japanese schoolgirls forced to grope each other...or at least that's what the men in the men-only carriages will think as they grope each other. Or perhaps they could have a co-ed carriage where groping is encouraged. You know, turn the lights down a bit, maybe play some dance music, get some of that good club stank in there, hell you could even have a cover charge for a premium if you wanted. Ladies half off. I'm just throwing ideas out there. Do with them what you will, Japan.

Hate to Say I Told You So - So remember when I told everybody that the Apocalypse was going to be brought upon by swarms of serpents, particularly venomous snakes in Asia and Burmese pythons in Florida...and you guys thought that I was joking? It's okay. I expected that kind of response. It's my defense mechanism too. Well, a Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom Wednesday at a central Florida home (yeah, really). Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived at about 10 AM, Lt. Bobby Caruthers of the Sumter County Sheriff's Office said. Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head. Darnell, 32, stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away. "The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby. She got out of the cage last night and got into the baby's crib and strangled her to death," the caller said. Authorities removed the snake from the home Wednesday afternoon after obtaining a search warrant. Once outside the small, tan home, bordered by cow pastures, the snake was placed in a bag then inside a dog crate. The snake was still alive (for the moment). Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor. He has not been charged, but investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken. Hill said the snake will be placed with someone who has a permit, pending an investigation into the girl's death. The Humane Society of the United States said including Wednesday's death, at least 12 people have been killed in the U.S. by pet pythons since 1980, including five children. Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, but they easily survive in the state and can reach a length of 26 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds...and as I mentioned over the past few months, they're FLOURISHING and there's reportedly over a quarter million of them running around the Everglades and under homes. Now, this is a really sad story, there is no doubt about that. I hear something like this...and I remember that my niece is two years old...and if somebody's pet snake or dog or f**king elephant did anything to her, that animal & its owner had best protect themselves for a six-pack of ass whooping before being buried alive in the salty deserts of Utah...but I digress. My main point is...be careful with your pets...and always keep an eye on your children...and watch out for those mutha f**king snakes...especially on a mutha f**king plane. I still think government funded exterminators for these Burmese Pythons isn't a bad idea...but whatever. My condolences to Miss Hare for her tragic loss.

I guess that'll do it for today. Sorry to end it on kind of a sour note. I just noticed that story as I was typing this up...and thought, "Damn it. I hate when I'm right." Don't worry. Luckily it doesn't happen too often...but when it does, I'll be sure to let you know about it. Hope you all have great plans for the 4th of July coming up. I know I'll be spending it with my family...including my niece now that I've got myself thinking about her being strangled by a snake...and she did like the zoo. Anyway, better keep an eye on her around fireworks too. Those kids get quicker on their feet every day. Have a great night everybody!!!