A Hundred Grand per Second

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the game was great…and the final score that I was telling everybody in the week leading up was off by three points. If only Stover had hit that 51-yarder for the Colts. Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning the game…and the city of New Orleans for going completely crazy…and just in time to start Mardi Gras. There will probably be a lot of people that won’t go into work until March. However, you all know that the real reason to watch the Super Bowl…is for the commercials…and this year didn’t disappoint. So here’s a quick rundown of a few of my favorites…

#1 – Motorola – You knew this one was going to get the top spot as soon as it showed up on TV. By halftime, I had a very good buzz going. Made myself a cocktail with vodka & cran-grape juice (quite tasty), and chased buffalo chicken strips with few shots of Jaeger and three high point Heinekens…so when this commercial started, there was a literal spit take. “PFFFFFT!!! Oh my, Megan Fox, a bubble bath & a cell phone, I know where this is going…and I like it.”



It also brought back memories of another Super Bowl commercial that forever shaped my life. It was the winter of my 10th year, a boy who was watching possibly the greatest Super Bowl ever up until that point between the Giants of New York City and the Williams of Buffalo. This was also my first Super Bowl viewed from a projector screen (party hosted by a bunch of cops at a rec center) and the food was fantastic. I was a kid; I remember that kind of stuff. There was a jukebox too…playing a lot of hair bands. Anyway, then this commercial came on…and from that point on, my childhood was over. I was a Man.



#2 – Bud Light – Beer companies are the steady performers of the Super Bowl. Humor, sex appeal, stereotypes of oafish men, you almost forget that it’s about alcohol. Great little collection from Bud Light & Budweiser this year.

#3 – Leno, Oprah, & Letterman – I don’t watch any of the three…but I know the story…and I’m glad that they didn’t have to resort to CGI to get them in the same room at the same time. Who knew Letterman did such a great Leno? “Is it because I’m here?”



Flush It – Taco Bell – This one from one of my favorite fast food places…did not rock. And not just because I heard it from Charles Barkley. Also, I like Tim Tebow…but was thrown off by him tackling his mom. Save it for the field, Wildcat. Also, I love the Who…but you could tell that they hadn’t toured since I was an itch in my daddy’s pants. That’s why these three get the Flush It…because I like them all…and they disappointed me.

Overall: The game was great & I thought the commercials were okay. Who doesn’t love watching Betty White, Abe Vagoda & Tebow’s mom getting knocked on their ass during a timeout? (Still miss Terrible Terry Tate) But the one negative thing overall, was that there really wasn’t anything that was for a noble cause. Nothing really for Haiti relief, nothing for Afrika, and for all the talk about New Orleans rebuilding and how the Saints were playing for them, nothing really saying how you could help other than by yelling “WHO DAT???” with every first down. So much potential to reach so many people…and it was lost. Then again, they did have Megan Fox taking a bubble bath so…who am I to complain? However, aside from the Super Bowl, plenty of people are out there trying to do some good…

Raising Funds – I have never been so proud to be an American, as I was when I read this story. A strip club in Ohio has raised $1,000 for Haitian earthquake relief during what was billed as "Lap dances for Haiti." (It’s okay, I just…have something in my eye) Marilyn's on Monroe in Toledo donated the $10 cover charges collected Saturday to ISOH/IMPACT, an organization based in suburban Perrysburg that provides food and clothing for Haiti. Marilyn's general manager Kenny Soprano says his establishment had been looking for a reason to hold a charity fundraiser even before the quake, as a way to improve its image. He says you don't hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community. ISOH/IMPACT CEO Linda Greene doesn't have a problem with where the money came from. She says her group appreciates any donations to help Haiti. Why can’t there be more fund raisers like this? Casinos donating like 2% of what they would’ve wasted on another tower for the hotel that they’re not gonna fill. I want to help start an organization that has special nights to help raise funds all over the globe, SHARE (Strippers for Help, Aid & Relief Everywhere) – “Changing the World, One Grind at a Time” I know the Wingman would help me in this endeavor. Anybody else want in on the ground floor of this venture? Or more appropriately, the Champagne Room?

You may be thinking, “$teve, I’m not a stripper. I work in an office. How can I help?” Well, once again, the brilliant minds of advertisers & marketers have a great idea, whether they realize it…or not…



Good Deeds Gone Bad – Sometimes trying to help others blows back in your face (see: Crack Whore ex-sister-in-law) and even before you start helping, you KNOW that it’s going to…but you do it anyway. Why? Because you think you’re a decent person…and this time, it’s going to be different. Slovenian police said Wednesday that a man who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. "Three dogs bit their 52-year-old owner to death in Ljubljana yesterday," police spokeswoman Maja Adlesic said. Four years ago, the three bullmastiffs attacked and seriously injured a passer-by outside their owner's house. They spent years in custody pending legal hearings, but when one of them attacked a dog handler, authorities ordered them to be put down. Their owner, a doctor, succeeded last June in his legal appeals to get the dogs back, sparking a national controversy. After his death, an opposition party said the agriculture minister should resign for failing to stop the dogs from being released. The dogs attacked the man in his garden Tuesday, killing him before the police arrived. All three dogs were put down following the attack. It really is a sad story. As you know, I’m a huge fan of big dogs. Then again, I’m reminded of one of my favorite stories of good deeds gone bad. Take me in oh tender woman…

That’ll do it for today. I know I’m ending on kind of a sad note…which I hate to do…but I just want you all to look out for one another…and be there for each other in times of need. There’s just too much potential Love in the world for anybody out there for feel alone & disconnected. However, you also have to be careful because there are some real douches and horrible people in the world too…but maybe all they need is a little Love…but they have to earn it. As any woman walking the street can tell you, Love ain’t free…except maybe from Jesus. If any of you are ever feeling down and need someone to talk to, you know how to reach me. Any time of day or night (as some of you are WELL aware) I’ll answer the call. Have a great night everybody!!! Oh…and before I go…

Other Bowls That Were Yesterday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Did any of you happen to catch the game last night? Pretty good one, huh? Lots of exciting stuff throughout. Good close game. That's really about all I have to say about it…because either you all saw it…or you all missed it on purpose. I just think it's hilarious how the Super Bowl is pretty much the only television event where you go to the bathroom DURING the presentation, not during the commercials. Now, last year, I did a whole review of the Super Bowl Commercials…but this year's weren't worthy in my opinion. I liked the concept of the Miller High Life one-second commercials (it's the wave of the future, quick flashes aimed to burn directly into your brain, just get used to it) and I like the whole Jason Statham Transporter-esque Audi commercial…and all the previews for "G.I. Joe", "Year One" and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and those…but John Elway is not a Hero. I realize that if anybody hear in Denver reads that last part, I may have a fight on my hands...but I guess Joe Montana or Barry Sanders must've had other plans. Oh…and just so you're aware, even I find the GoDaddy.com commercials a little offensive. Moreso than PETA's…but apparently Phoenix got the best commercials in their area. I was kinda hoping for a PETA / Michael Vick collaboration…but maybe they're saving that for next year. Anyway, after them it's "Oh good, the game's back on. I gotta piss like a Clydesdale." Then if absolutely necessary, you can watch the game through strategically arranged mirrors from your bathroom to your living room with an open door and fan blowing. No, I don't have that setup…but only because it doesn't really work with my projector TV. You get like a square yard of the field…but luckily I'm still pretty quick with the bodily functions…so I don't miss much of the action. That's right, I'm talking about toilet humor the day after the Super Bowl. I'm not the only one though. Here's some news…

The Great Gold Runs - A possible precursor to the next great gold rush. Resource-poor Japan just discovered a new source of mineral wealth - Sewage. A sewage treatment facility in central Japan has recorded a higher gold yield from sludge than can be found at some of the world's best gold mines. An official in Nagano prefecture, northwest of Tokyo, said the high percentage of gold found at the Suwa facility was probably due to the large number of precision equipment manufacturers in the vicinity that use the yellow metal. The facility recently recorded finding 1,890 grams of gold per ton of ash from incinerated sludge. That is a far higher gold content than Japan's Hishikari Mine, one of the world's top gold mines, which contains 20-40 grams of the precious metal per ton of ore. The prefecture is so far due to receive 5 million yen ($55,810) for the gold, minus expenses. It expects to earn about 15 million yen for the fiscal year to the end of March from the gold it has retrieved from the ashes of incinerated sludge. "How much we actually receive will depend on gold prices at the time," the official said. Some gold industry officials expect prices this year to top the all-time high above $1,030 per ounce set in 2008, on buying by investors worried about the deepening economic downturn. So…if you're looking to score a few bucks…apparently you may want to go diving around your septic tank. Or just know where to find the right industrial waste and have an incinerator handy. My guess though, it'd cost a LOT more to run the incinerator than any gold that you would find. Still…it's now been proven, Japanese people literally crap gold. They're like mythical geese. I have a theory why…and it's the same reason that Godzilla walks the streets - Fallout.

Define Irony - Also in Japan, a blaze broke out at a fire station this week after a firefighter left a cooking stove burning as crew members left the station to respond to emergency calls. Most of the duty staffers were out on a call when their colleague, alone at the station and cooking dinner for the crew, was himself called out. In his haste to respond to the call, he forgot to turn the stove off, said Seiji Hori, a Nagoya City Fire Department official. Ten fire trucks from other stations put out the fire, Hori added. "We are an institute that should be in a position to educate people about fire, so we are extremely sorry that such an incident happened," Hori said, adding that they would consider ordering-in for dinner from now on. This may not have a lot to do with toilet humor…but it's still funny…and sh*tty all at the same time.

Venice Update - Venice is quite possibly the most beautiful city in the world. I have been there. Everything that you've ever imagined about it…is absolutely true. I have fond memories of taking that first water taxi up to San Marco and seeing the majestic buildings & towers and the sun glistening off the waves, standing in the square surrounded by pigeons cooing and flapping about, riding a gondola down the canals at sunset as our gondoliers Antonio & Francisco sing "Amore" and other Italian ballads, playing hide & seek through the numerous narrow streets and passage ways in the evening, and enjoying gelato passing over the numerous bridges. It's absolutely an incredible destination that I wish you all to experience one day. That being said…they have a bit of a problem…and it involves crappers. Now though, instead of paying the current 1 euro fee to get into a public bathroom, tourists who think ahead can get one week or day passes to the bathrooms online. Visitors can pay 7 Euros online for 10 toilet visits over 5 days in high season, and 5 Euros in the low tourist season. For a regular toilet card, bought at a bathroom or other site, the corresponding costs are 9 Euros and 7 Euros. The online day rate for 2 visits is 1 euro in low season, 2 Euros in the high season. Otherwise, the card costs 1.50 Euros and 3 Euros respectively. Complicated enough? "For people who want some security, who don't want to go into a bar to buy a coffee or a roll, so they can go to the bathroom, this is a solution," a Venice city spokesman said. City residents pay 25 euro cents per visit to the public bathrooms. The pass is another attempt by Venice, which hosts about 20 million visitors a year, to deal with tourists who use the streets as urinals (you have no proof). Tourists, who face "no toilet" signs at many restaurants and cafes, were in favor of the move. "I'm not used to paying to go to the toilet anyway, but if you haven't got a coin on you, but you need to go to the toilet, you have the card ready to go," said Zoe Dawson, a 20-year old bar waitress from Surrey in England. So yeah, when you do get the chance to check out Venice, you may want to plan ahead…because the city is already threatened by global warming and the rising sea levels. It doesn't need to become the next Bourbon Street too…covered in human filth. By the way, just over two weeks until Mardi Gras. So excited…

Bank Robbery Down the Tube - A hapless thief drilled his way into a French bank at the weekend, but missed the safe and instead found himself in a lavatory where he was promptly arrested, a French newspaper reported Sunday. The 21-year-old broke into a building adjoining a branch of Banque Populaire in the Mediterranean port city of Marseille in the early hours of Saturday morning, La Provence newspaper said. The paper said the man, who came from Belgium and was not named, thought that he was going to end up in a room housing safe deposit boxes but instead drilled into the lavatories. Alarms were triggered when he broke through the wall and police caught the man when they arrived on the scene. I can only imagine the surprise of anybody in one of the stalls when the would-be thief came through the wall. "Sacre bleu, iz Le Mole!!!" That's right ladies & gentlemen. I don't know French…but I do know Pepe Le Peu…and we have a lot in common (not just the smell). I can see the thief and an accomplice going over the blueprints before the break-in. "What is this here in the vault?" "That is…the safety deposit boxes. See? They're all in these file cabinets here…and here." "Ugh…that looks like a toilet in the middle of your file cabinet, bud." "No no no, that's just the symbol for a lock…so they know it's for the boxes." "Then why are there sinks over here on the other side?" "What are you, an amateur? That's so they can wash their hands after using the urinals. You don't want to touch your priceless artifacts with wee wee on your hands. Dumbass." "Oh, I see. What's the escape plan?" "We walk right out the front door." "(A few moments of silence) I like it. It's ballsy."

Philly Wing Bowl - Though the city of Philadelphia and their NFL team the Eagles were ROBBED of attendance at this year's Super Bowl, all was not lost for the city of Brotherly Love. Though not to be confused with any incestful or San Francisco type of brotherly Love…but rather the pinnacles of everybody's favorite sins, Gluttony & Lust. In a gut-busting display of championship eating, a man nicknamed Super Squibb won Philadelphia's Wing Bowl by downing 203 chicken wings in about 20 minutes. For his efforts, 23-year-old John Squibb of Berlin, N.J., gets a car, a $7,500 diamond ring and a crown of miniature chickens…and hopefully a case of delicious Pepto Bismol. Thousands attend the early morning gorge-fest held every year on the Friday before the Super Bowl. The contest is sponsored by sports-talk station WIP-AM. It also features scantily clad "Wingettes" and a cast of sickened contestants. Professional eaters (do they put that on their taxes?) were not allowed in this year's Wing Bowl, but organizers say they'll be back next year. Richard "Not Rich" Razzi came in second by eating 180 wings…which is in itself a little scary. I mean…you eat the wings of 90 chickens…that's nine-zero…at two wings a pop (unless they've taken on my mutant 8-winged chicken idea) and you come in second place. We've already taken the wings of the buffalo so they can no longer fly over the prairies of the West. Let's be careful not to destroy our chickens the same way. Besides, their coats aren't as warm.

Anyway, that'll do it for today for my post of bowel movements and indigestion. Join us tomorrow when I get back to my usual stuff…of movies, sexbots, bacon and warm fuzzy thoughts. Have a happy Groundhog Day everybody!!! Six more weeks of winter apparently. Find your favorite way to keep warm and someone to do it with. Peace.

Marketer's Christmas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just thought I'd stop by and drop a little something while my clothes were drying in the laundry room. Well, it's about seven hours or so before kickoff of the Big Game...and it's like a Marketer's Christmas because of all the funny & always poignant commercials that are on during the Super Bowl. As a degree holder in Marketing, I always like to break down the commercials and see if it was $3 million per 30 second ad well spent or not. Usually they do pretty good...but ask yourself this, at the end of the commercial, are you going to buy something that company? Do you even recall by the time that the game comes back on, which company it was for? Just something to think about. I'm hoping for a good game...and a lot of Victoria's Secret ads...so we'll see how that goes. By the way, did any of you check out the PETA ad that was BANNED from the Super Bowl. F**king awesome!!! I had to look at it three times before I realized it said "Go Veg!" because...well, I was thinking it was more...fish taco-ey!!! Yeah, taco-ey's a word. I just made it up. What? Anyway, here it is...

Other than that, I think it should be a good game...but then again, you never really know what you're going to get with the Arizona Cardinals. If they somehow beat the Eagles, then they can beat anybody. Oh yeah, JL Clyde's going to be visiting me & the great state of Colorado next weekend. She got a good deal on a flight and wants to check out Mile High Country. She's already got ideas for her trip planned out like to go see Boulder, a krishna temple (and free meal), a burlesque show, stargazing at an observatory, something called "Dead of Winter: Victorian Mourning", roller derby, the art museum, plus whatever else she's going to do while I'm working during the days. Should be a fun trip.

Well, just a quickie today. I'm going to hit the gym for a few hours to get pumped up for game time...and then probably watch about three hours or pregame to catch the commercials...and then the Big Show. Enjoy the game everybody!!!