I Got A Sweet Tooth

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… my brother left. Here’s the deal, I was talking to him last night… and basically what turned into a little smoking out on the deck conversation turned into my brother being in tears wondering what the point of his life was besides being a father to his two kids (since their mother is a useless crack whore). He didn’t want to work at a gas station anymore… and he wants a good job… but doesn’t know if he can (want to) go to school for a job that still won’t be there. See, this was different then I usually see my brother. He doesn’t cry much around me. Usually he’s just angry… and a little violent… but we were actually talking about it. I offered my place for as long as he needed, said we could chat about options over the weekend and all the stuff that a good brother should. Then he received a call from my mom’s house. It was my stepdad… and my niece Kairi wasn’t sleeping & she wanted to talk to her daddy. I’ll admit, I was kind of eavesdropping, but with passing traffic outside on my deck it was hard to make out. All of a sudden, my brother hangs up the phone and puts his face in his hand. “What’s up? Bad connection?” “My daughter just told me that she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. She wants to live with grandma.” I was a little stunned. “Just like that? What did she say?” “Just like that.” “She’s a f**king four year old girl. Not even four yet. She’ll say stupid sh*t from time to time. She just likes being spoiled is all.” The phone rings again & I hear my stepdad on the line but can’t quite make it out… something in a “sorry your daughter said that” tone. I just heard my brother say "I will be there tomorrow. You will get me an apartment for a month for me & my kids to stay at." Sometimes said back on the other line. "I WILL BE THERE TOMORROW. YOU WILL GET ME AN APARTMENT!!!" Hangs up. So, to sum up, right in the middle of a conversation with an end goal of setting his life up with a point besides just being a father to his kids, he gets a call from his daughter saying that she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. Needless to say, this was the excuse he needed (had been looking for) to go back to Utah and throw a tissy fit at my mom. Oh… and why did Kairi say that? Because my mom got a puppy… that my brother had already told the kids no on. Isn’t family fantastic? It could be worse, no doubt… but yeah, I did my part.

Other than that, I had no idea what to do this weekend but I figured I’d best catch up on my laundry & cleaning up after my brother (f**king pig sty everywhere he goes), get a haircut & watch my first professional football of the season (been busy the past few weekends as you know). Who knows what else may happen, right? Well, Friday night I started by going to a coworker’s going away party (off to LA to be an actor, I’ll let you know if he’s in anything I like… I mean, Lindsay was once a friend of the blog) and it was a lot of fun. There was Beer Pong, great peeps, hot girls (though every single one of them was spoken for, I checked), great tunes, even a little freestyling. While having a conversation about sexy Halloween costumes and how unnecessary they really are when you have a sense of humor, it somehow got to age… and I mentioned my 30th birthday coming up… and how I wanted to go to Amsterdam, but nobody could afford to go with me (nor will I be able to at this rate). “Why don’t you just have an Amsterdam themed party?” “Holy sh*t!!! That’s BRILLIANT!!! I’ve already got the red light bulbs (bow chicka bow wow), just get a few dozen tulips, some brownies, maybe talk to a buddy that lives on the river to replace the canals, maybe have a Jewish family in the crawl space, a few Rembrandts on the wall, girls dancing in windows, Heineken EVERYWHERE. Oh it’ll work…” So if it comes to be, you’re all invited to my 30th birthday Amsterdamian extravaganza. I’ll keep you posted.

Saturday, didn’t do much expect clean, laundry & college football… though some great games, but you don’t care. Sunday, I went on a date. Oh yeah, $teve still dates when he feels the urge… and this one was a coffee date with, we’ll say Candy, in Reno right after I got my oil changed & my hair did. We met up at Java Jungle down in the River District (my favorite area of Reno thus far) and we just chatted. Candy is funny, intelligent, just got back from a 3 week vacation in Peru, backpacked through Europe, Peace Corps in Guinea (west Africa, not New Guinea), has a marketing job, great sense of humor very similar to mine, oh… and she’s gorgeous. I know what you’re thinking “$teve, she way out of your league.” You may be right… but she seemed to be digging me (as they all usually do before I never hear from them again) so we’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck & I’ll invite you to the wedding. HA!!! Anyway, in the meantime, here’s some news since you’ve been deprived the past week or so…

Back in Black… Rubber – In an effort to keep vampire movies from going completely cheesy & ridiculously bad, Kate Beckinsale has officially closed her deal to reprise her role as vampire heroine Selene in a fourth "Underworld" film at Screen Gems and Lakeshore Entertainment says the trades. Story details are unknown beyond the usual vampire vs. werewolves tale, but it seems likely events will pick up from the end of 2006's "Underworld: Evolution" with all the vampire elders now slain and Selene having obtained special powers including the ability to safely tolerate daylight (apparently it was sexually transmitted by a hybrid vampire/werewolf making sweet love to her knee if I remember correctly). John Hlavin wrote the script which J. Michael Straczynski ("Changeling," "Babylon 5") is polishing. Both a director and an actress to play Selene's daughter are currently being sought. Tom Rosenberg, Gary Lucchesi and Len Wiseman are producing. Filming kicks off in March in Vancouver. So gentlemen, prepare thyselves.

Jolie Update – Speaking of hot ladies with questionably sexy accents, Angelina Jolie has chosen young Bosnian actress Zana Marjanovic for the lead role in her directorial debut — a wartime love story between a Bosnian woman and a Serbian man (though nothing like Romeo & Juliet set in modern times, I’m sure). Marjanovic told the Associated Press on Thursday that the screenplay was "fabulous" and she could not wait to start shooting with such a "great actress and humanist" like Jolie. The 27-year-old actress said she was on her way to Hungary to prepare for the film shoot beginning later this year and take place both in Hungary and Bosnia. Jolie has visited Bosnia twice this year — as UNHCR good will ambassador and to scout for her movie — and had promised she would cast only actors from the region. Marjanovic became known after her prominent role in award winning "Snow" by Bosnian director Aida Begic. So yeah… keep an eye out for this movie, I guess.

Commies & Puppies – It’s pretty much a universal trait among all cultures… that you just don’t mess with another human’s spouse, children, car or dog (though cats are okay because… well, they’re just cats & have no souls). However, sometimes they have to send in the loan sharks to bust a few heads. For example, Russian bailiffs have threatened to take what is most precious from a Russian pensioner who has failed to pay a debt -- her three Shar Pei pedigree puppies, they said Friday. Though Shar Peis are technically not dogs, being of the small hairy annoying rat family of the animal kingdom (feel free to Google it), apparently this still involves the aforementioned values. The pensioner, who bailiffs did not name, owes 350,000 rubles ($11,330) to an individual in her home town in Russia's volcanic Kamchatka region in the Far East. "If she does not fulfill her obligations (to pay back the debt) within 10 days, the puppies will be sold by the Federal Agency for State Property Management," bailiffs said in a statement on their site fssprus.ru. In Kamchatka, Shar Pei puppies fetch 15,000 rubles ($482.60) each, media reported. But bailiffs said they will try to sell them for 5,000 rubles to attract more potential buyers (so if you’re interested in that market, great deals to be had). They added that the famously wrinkled Shar Pei puppies have been allowed for the time being to remain with the pensioner, who breeds them as her sole source of income as she has no property (so… she breeds them out of her apartment or something?). By the way, who the hell gave this woman 350,000 rubles when they know all she does is breed ugly dogs? I mean… we’re talking giving back every last dime from the first 25 puppies sold at peak price with minimum interest on the loan. That’s also assuming the food is free (eating pigeons or rats or something), no checkups for the dogs, nothing of the sort, every last dime… for probably five generations of dogs. I’m sorry pensioner… but if you knew that was the deal, then you pretty much deserve to lose that money… but at least you’ll probably get a few dogs out of the deal (at $4000 a pop). Yet another sign of the Apocalypse, I guess when Shar Peis are valued that much. Oh speaking of which…

Apocalypse Update - At least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a Mexican refuge (not refugee) near the Gulf of Mexico after heavy flooding caused by Hurricane Karl, Mexican media said Tuesday. The endangered Morelet crocodiles were on the roam in six coastal areas in the Mexican state of Veracruz and residents were told not to try to capture or kill them, El Economista reported. The governor of Veracruz told reporters about 280 crocodiles were missing from the reserve in La Antigua, although some media put the number of reptiles at closer to 400. Morelet crocodiles can grow to nearly 10 feet and are found in freshwater swamps, lakes and rivers, and the brackish coastal waters of eastern Mexico, Belize and Guatemala. Federal authorities from the agency charged with environmental protection said crocodile experts (like Steve Irwin? Sorry, too soon?) would be sent to the region to try to recapture the animals. At least 15 people were killed and thousands displaced by the hurricane, which ripped through the Yucatan peninsula and slammed into Mexico's Gulf coast this past weekend. So to recap, a few hundred endangered crocodile prisoners have escaped from their cells to join the army of pythons in Florida and bring out the end of days. All that gibberish in the Bible about the Serpent, the Anti-Christ, Rapture and all that doesn’t seem so crazy & mythological now, does it? And all this time you thought it would be the Environment or Robots that would destroy us all. By the way, has anybody else noticed that it’s been a while since I reported a sexy dream or had a Sexbot Update? Didn’t think so… but I have…

Robopocalypse Update – Legendary filmmaker & iconic $teve, Steven Spielberg himself is said to be considering the film "Robopocalypse" as one of his next projects for Dreamworks Pictures says Vulture. Based on Daniel H. Wilson's unpublished manuscript, the cautionary tale explores the fate of the human race after a robot uprising. Wilson, who has a Ph.D. in robotics, has grounded his tale in a heavy degree of authenticity derived from real robot technology. Drew Goddard ("Cloverfield") has just handed in a new draft of the script which the studio is keen to check out. Spielberg still hasn't made up his mind about which project he'll next helm after "The War Horse" but he may want to decide quickly as there are a multitude of Apocalypses converging to destroy us all… so unless he wants to do this tale years down the road as a historical interpretation like “Schindler’s List” then he’d better get on that pestilence horse immediately after his war horse before the other two show up… like they did for the dinosaurs. Hmm… just had a thought about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding around on Raptors. That’d be sweet…

Dino Update - Scientists said Wednesday they've discovered fossils in the southern Utah desert of two new dinosaur species closely related to the Triceratops, including one with 15 horns on its large head. The discovery of the new plant-eating species — including Kosmoceratops richardsoni, considered the most ornate-headed dinosaur known to man — was reported Wednesday in the online scientific journal PLoS ONE, produced by the Public Library of Science. The other dinosaur, which has five horns and is the larger of the two, was dubbed Utahceratops gettyi. "It's not every day that you find two rhino-sized dinosaurs that are different from all the other dinosaurs found in North America," said Mark Loewen, a Utah Museum of Natural History paleontologist and an author of the paper published in PLoS ONE. "You would think that we know everything there is to know about the dinosaurs of western North America, but every year we're finding new things, especially here in Utah," he said. The Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument has been a hotbed for dinosaur species discoveries in the past decade, with more than a dozen new species discovered. While it is a rocky, arid place now, millions of years ago it was similar to a swamp. The Utahceratops has a large horn over the nose and short eye horns that project to the side rather than upward, similar to a bison (or the MONARCH!!!). Its skull is about 7 feet long, it stood about 6 feet high and was 18 to 22 feet long. It is believed to have weighed about 3 to 4 tons. The Kosmoceratops has similar facial features to the Utahceratops, but has 10 horns across the rear margin of its bony frill that point downward and outward. It weighed about 2.5 tons and was about 15 feet long. The horns on both animals range in length from about 6 inches to 1 foot. Paleontologists say the discovery shows that horned dinosaurs living on the same continent 76 million years ago evolved differently. Scientists say that other horned dinosaurs lived on the same ancient continent known as Laramidia in what is now Alberta, Canada. The numerous horns are believed to have been used to attract mates and intimidate sexual competitors, similar to horns on deer. "The horns really are probably developed at puberty, because most likely these are signals for mate recognition, competition between males, things like that," Loewen said. "They're sexual signals and really that's how we think this group of dinosaurs divided." Again though, that’s all speculation… but hey, what else are you going to do when you find something that died millions of years ago?

Well, that’ll do it for today. Enough talk about family drama, hot girls & the Apocalypse… and the correlation between all three. Also, less than two weeks until my dad comes to visit for the football game and five weeks until New Orleans Halloween, which is even better than a North Pole Christmas or a Dublin St. Patty’s Day. Good times y’all. Filly’s really excited for it too, as she should be. I’m kind of a big deal… so watch out when Tropical Storm $teve hits the Crescent City. Have a great day everybody!!!

Weekend in San Jose

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… my brother came and visited this last weekend. Rather than ramble on with my personal opinions on him or anything of that sort, I think I’m just going to talk about what we did and keep it to the pictures for the most part. Why? Because I’m trying to stay positive… and I just don’t want to get into another rant about all that stuff. Friday night, he & he buddy J-Ron showed up… and so after a long 9 hour drive in the car, I drove them down to the lake for some Taco Bell for dinner (it’s what they wanted). We had a nice little dinner on the beach around sunset. Good times. Then we went straight from the beach to Reno to get a few drinks and wander along Virginia Street to show off the neon lights and get our gamble on. The drink of the evenings was Jack & Coke… and there was plenty of it… but of course, I was able to drive home safely because I’m responsible like that. Great time though.

Saturday, we decided to drive down to Silicon Valley to finally check out the Winchester Mystery House. Okay, so why would my brother & I want to check this out? First, we’re nerds… and this stuff intrigues us. Secondly, we both have memories of his crack whore ex-whore going on and on about how it was one of her dreams to go check out the Winchester House… so we took pictures of us smiling in front of it and sent her a few copies. “B**ch!” Also, we just wanted to check it out. See, the story goes… this is from memory, so don’t quote me, but back in the late 1880’s or so, Sarah Pardee Winchester & her husband (of Winchester Rifle fame) bought this small farm house to live in with their son. Well, in a very short time afterwards, her husband & son died in separate health related events. Over the next 38 years, she conducted séances and said that she was told by the spirits of those killed by Winchester rifles to continuously build, non-stop, and because she was a billionaire heiress, she could afford to have about two dozen architects living at the property and building constantly… and she didn’t know anything of carpentry or construction, just what the spirits told her… so it made for some interesting designs… like balconies with no doorway to go on them… and windows in the floor… and doors to nowhere. The architects tried to tell her it was crazy… but allegedly she had her orders from on high. The thing is… some people might just think she was crazy… but I (and shockingly enough, my bro felt the same way) felt sorry for her. She was just a woman in severe mourning for nearly four decades and just trying anything she could to bring back her husband & child. Why do we say that? See, my brother & I kind of dabble in the study of the occult, and there were signs everywhere. The wallpaper, window designs, stained glass, doorways, fixtures, lamps, all this stuff had lots of symbols meant for bringing back the dead. We were kinda talking to each other about it… and then the tour guide mentioned something about them finding an old obituary in the newspaper along with a lock of hair from each of them… and we just kinda looked at each other like “Jackpot!” Poor Mrs. Winchester. She was just trying to appease the spirits… and spared no expense in doing it either… and it still couldn’t bring them back. Anyway, enough of that depressing stuff, here are some pictures that I wasn’t allowed to take… but still did with my ninja skills… so please enjoy even more because they are forbidden images…

All the glass in the house, courtesy of Tiffany & Co.

These are just the spares left over...

Window in the floor...

Hookah on the bannister...

After that, I took my brother to his first In-N-Out Burger and even though it was a little cold by the time we got back to the hotel, he still enjoyed it enough to have it the next day as well. He really digs the animal style… but not nearly as much as the doggy style. Maybe we are related. Anyway, Sunday the two of us (J-Ron was broke & has a heart condition) went to Great America Theme Park because we were in need of some big kid ride excitement. Now, we are both tall strapping men, and we’ve decided that theme parks rides simply aren’t made for us… and if we were dicks, we would sue them for not building the rides to our incredible superhuman dimensions… but alas, at least half of us aren’t dicks. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get the pleasure of hearing about it a lot… but that being said, the rides there at Great America are pretty f**king awesome. I highly recommend. Here are some pictures…

A preview of New Orleans in a few weeks?

After the park, we headed back to the hotel for a dip in the hot tub to relieve our aching shoulders & backs (like I said, shoulder restraints suck balls when you have to slouch, especially on REALLY fast herky jerky rides) and then watched a few episodes of “Man Woman Wild” with everybody’s favorite special forces host Myke Hawke… and his hot reporter wife with a British accent Ruth… but her name’s not nearly as fun to narrate with as Myke Hawke. “Myke Hawke needs to stay warm.” “Ruth is in need of protein… and there’s only one source readily available – Myke Hawke.” Yeah, okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea. Just watch a few episodes and you’ll notice a few things… like you can survive on very little food & sustenance, but shelter & sleep are pretty much essential. You can survive just about anywhere… as long as you’re willing to eat questionable things and drink your own urine. His wife Ruth is a fantastic compliment to Myke… because I’m fairly certain that she wouldn’t last an hour in a parking lot without him… but she’s great eye candy and a sometimes refreshing dose of sanity. “You want me… to drink your pee… to wash down the tree bark & grubs that you just had me eat?” I almost expected a few times for her to turn to the camera crew and say “Dude, give me a trail bar & I’ll whisper naughties in your ear.” But the number one thing that I pulled away from this show… is that Myke Hawke is a great name to use in every day conversation. “$teve, I was just trying to tie down my boat, can you help me.” “Absolutely. You know, Myke Hawke says that square knots are the best to use because they are simple, strong & effective.” “That’s… great.” “Yeah, Myke Hawke knows a lot about this kind of thing. He’s been in some PRETTY sketchy situations in his day… and he’s got the scars to prove it.” “Thanks for your help $teve but please… stop talking now.”

The next morning, my brother wanted to go see Alcatraz… but I had already seen it & didn’t want to spend an extra $50 to see it again, so I thought that I’d arrange a lunch rendezvous with Bubbles to check out her new crib since she was home with her sick puppy Brutis, while my brother & his J-Ron went to see the Rock. Well, my brother didn’t take to that very well… kinda threw a tantrum… and said that he just wanted to see Alcatraz because he thought I wanted to. Sigh… so anyway, I didn’t meet up with Bubbles… and we did a quick drive through San Francisco, stopping at the Golden Gate Bridge… and then heading back to Truckee. Here are some pictures…

When we got back, we watched “Fanboys” starring Jay Baruchel, Kristen Bell & a bunch of cameos. The story is about a group of friends in 1998 who are Star Wars… we’ll say fans… to the tenth power. They REALLY like their Star Wars. I would say they were geeks… but then that would be admitting that I’m a Star Wars geek because I knew all of the answers to the quiz questions and own a Chewbacca outfit. Anyway, one of the friends is diagnosed with cancer… and they decide to go on a dream road trip to basically steal the soon-to-be released “Episode One: The Phantom Menace” from the Skywalker Ranch before it’s publicly released so that their friend can see it. Feel free to re-read that last sentence again to wrap your head around the premise. This is why it took so long to release and wasn’t a huge hit. Apparently cancer isn’t as funny as originally thought in that first pitch. So they set out on this cross-country mission… and shenanigans ensue along the way as you might expect. All in all, it was pretty funny at some points… especially if you’re a Star Wars fan. However, the thing that really threw us for a loop in this movie… was that apparently, we drove right by the Skywalker Ranch a few hours earlier… and had no idea. Yeah. Instead of being in SoCal, the Skywalker Ranch is just north of San Francisco… and we literally took the exit AFTER Lucas Valley Road (yes, THAT Lucas) to take CA-37 back to Truckee. Had we known this mere hours earlier, we would’ve investigated the Ranch… but alas, we did not. Next time, I guess. Anyway, yeah, watch the movie if you like Star Wars. If not, you’ll probably just be bored and think the guys are nerds.

Tuesday was back to work… and boy was there plenty for me to do. No worries, I’m used to it. Not sure what’s going to happen when I actually take a full week off… but we’ll see when I get back from New Orleans. When I got back home though, my brother had bought some groceries and things… so we just kinda chilled and watched some movies. First up was “The Losers” starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Evans, Thandie Newton & Jason Patric. Based on a comic about a team of elite soldiers who are thought to be killed by a mysterious supervillian named Max (Patric) and are now trying to find a way to clear their names and reenter the United States. Think of the A-Team… but without B.A. It’s an okay movie… but you can tell why it wasn’t highly received by critics. There are a few funny moments, some big explosions, and Thandie Newton’s easy on the eyes… but yeah, pretty predictable.

Next up was “Cop Out” starring Bruce Willis & Tracy Morgan from director Kevin Smith (“Clerks”). The main thing that I remember about this movie from before… was that the original name & working title was “A Couple of Dicks” but for some reason, the studio or MPAA or somebody didn’t think that would work well… so they changed it to “Cop Out” because… well, it was a cop-out move. The story is your usual buddy cop comedy like “48 Hours” or “The Other Guys” where you have two complete opposite personalities paired up (apparently for nine years in this story) and they get involved in some international drug cartel or something. This time around… it’s involving a kidnapped mistress and a baseball card. No joke. It has a few funny moments… but honestly, if I were Bruce Willis’ character, I would’ve probably shot my partner (Morgan) on multiple occasions. Don’t look at me like that. Same rules apply to you. If I’m ever in a situation where I get shot, stabbed, beaten up, kidnapped, tased, robbed, ran over, tortured or anything of that sort… because you are on your f**king cell phone just talking about nothing… when you should be watching my back when I’m in a potentially dangerous situation, I will harm you in accordance with the degree to which I have been hurt. Let’s say I’m just tased and robbed, that cell phone will be found in your large intestine by way of the back door… and I won’t be gentle. Anyway, back to the movie, it’s okay. The plot and situations are not really of the most realistic nature… but hey, they hired Kevin Smith for his dialogue… and even then it’s really just having to listen to Tracy Morgan talk nonsense most of the time. Didn’t really care for it. Sorry Silent Bob. The good news is that I’ve almost completely forgotten about “Jersey Girl”.

Wednesday, after work, I brought them a map of the area… because for some reason, they hadn’t left the house all day because “there’s nothing to do” but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because J-Ron’s a killbuzz and my brother just wants someone cool to hang out with. Plans were to go to Reno to maybe check out Zepparella at Harrah’s… but thanks to an incredible stop in traffic on I-80, we decided to just go to Crystal Bay and check out the casinos there. I made a few bucks… but yeah, pretty uneventful. Then when we went back, my brother played “Dante’s Inferno” for a while before I went to bed. Like I said, pretty uneventful day overall.

Anyway, on that note, I’m going to stop rambling about my wonderful time with my brother. Hopefully my mom is enjoying her vacation at home with the grandkids & she isn’t purposely delaying the renovation of my brother’s condo so as to get more time away from him… because that would be uncool… and as you know, my mom is not uncool. Have a great day everybody!!!