Hot Tubbin' With Dr Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

As a last minute surprise, the Wingmans were in town last night...and we had a pretty spectacular night of last minute fun & games. First off, I got off work...and as I'm driving home, they call to say there's an opportunity to tour the new Oquirrh Mountain Mormon Temple...which is really the only time that I'm going to get to see certain rooms where millions of dollars of tithing are being put to work before it's official and all us blasphemous heathens can never set foot on it again. The catch was that I had to make it to the other side of the county during rush hour in less than an hour. I made it in 45 minutes. It was pretty cool. It's very...white, by which I mean several connotations but mostly the bright colors. Lots of chandeliers, giant mirrors & doorways (apparently God's a tall man), lots of paintings that I had questions about but didn't dare ask them because I feared they might stop by my apartment to answer them some morning when I'm in my robe...again, and in the reception hall they gave out cookies & water...and I laughed out loud when I saw a painting with a sign over it that said "Come Unto Christ." My thought was "That's it. That's the first erotic novel. The REAL Passion of the Christ." It was actually quite magnificent and if you get the chance, go check it out before it's too late. If not, don't worry, I'm sure they'll open another temple in a few years...probably two miles from this one. Did you know that South Jordan is the only city in the world with TWO Mormon Temples? Me neither. Apparently this one's the 130th in the world...and 13th in Utah. The only problem I had with the temple...was I don't think their hot tub was working. It was pretty cool looking and it looked like it was riding the backs of a dozen oxen...but the jets weren't turned on and it looked like it could only hold about three to four people anyway. Anyway, here are some pictures...not taken by me...

After that, we needed some real food. The cookie just wasn't doing it. So we went to Pat's BBQ which is actually a stone's throw from my job...that I've been at off & on for the past (sigh...) twelve years yet have never stopped at Pat's for some barbecue. Apparently I was missing out. The food was great & we listened to the Jim Bone Band. The service was lacking...but then again, we were sitting at picnic tables and they had plastic silverware and paper towels set up there. Just a suggestion though, most of the money in places like that are off the beverages...and our waiter didn't even ask if we wanted another beer...and when we asked for a to-go box, "They're over there. You can grab one on your way out." Nice. So...no tip then? Good. The cashier said they'd be getting a talking to...so that's not standard service there, I don't think...but the food was great anyway...and I'll gladly get my own to-go box if it's by some other swag that I can take home with me.

Then it was time for the hot tub back at my apartment. So the Wingmans & I changed into our suits, went to the hot tub and...remember last time when they locked it up at 10 PM after I was told at the lease signing it was 24 hours. Well, apparently they also forgot to mention that the hot tub is solar-powered, or rather it must be because that f**ker was cold. Not a hot tub...not even a lukewarm or tepid tub...but like rain water. I was PISSED, yet there was nobody to vent my frustrations upon until morning...so we did the next best thing...and went over to a neighboring hot tub...which was a hot tub, probably coal powered for all I care. It was magnificent...and we just kicked back with a beverage, gazed at the full moon & talked about whatever. By the way, the Wingmans closed on their new house this week, so I may have to do a road trip down to Cedar City to check it out. Anybody else interested? You know that if I make it to Cedar City, I'm checking out the house and then going straight to Vegas.

Last night was also the Rock Band Party...but the only people that showed up were Lilie, her fiance & his brother...and the guitar that I borrowed from my brother quit working after three songs. Nice. It was after midnight anyway so we parted ways since everybody had an early morning waiting for them. Big ups to the Wingmans & Lilie for a fun-filled night complete with barbecue, Jesus, and Pootie Tang. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Sah-da-tay!

Thursday night, I watched Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Lakers & Magic...and I really don't care who wins...as long as the Lakers lose...but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. The Magic may prove me wrong though. They run hot & cold. Live by the three-pointer, die by the three-pointer. I hate to say it...but the Lakers seem to be the more complete team. You have no idea how it irks me to say that. It's almost as bad as giving the Dallas Cowboys a compliment...but luckily I haven't had to do that for a long, long, long time. Anyway, you don't care about sports. I doubt that you check this blog out just to hear my ramble on about sports...so here some news clippings. That's right, news clippings. It's been a while since I've done some of these...but they're back by popular demand (and a little free time).

Hot Tub Time Machine - Because I can't talk enough about hot tubs apparently, here's the first news clip. Have you ever wondered what happened to Chevy Chase? Anyone? Well, I have a few times...and the comedy veteran has joined the time-travel comedy "Hot Tub Time Machine" according to the Hollywood Reporter. The story follows a bunch of unsatisfied guys (we've all been there), including John Cusack and Rob Corddry, who get thrown back to their younger days in 1987 via their Jacuzzi. Chase plays a mysterious repairman who dispenses pearls of wisdom and may or may not be behind the metaphysical road trip. Steve Pink directs and Josh Heald pens the script. Filming is underway in Vancouver for a February release. So apparently a bunch of guys traveling through time in a phone booth with Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure wasn't gay enough...so it's in a hot tub now...and instead of George Carlin guiding them, it's Fletch. Awesome. Throw in a little topless eye candy & you've got yourself a movie. What? Don't look at me like that. I'm not making the movie titled "Hot Tub Time Machine" and don't even try to tell me that a movie with a title like that isn't going to have some frontal nudity and adult language. I'm gonna say drug use as well. Honestly, it's directed by a guy named Steve Pink. It could just end up being a porno...starring John Cusack & Chevy Chase. I'm sure they'd like to go back to 1987 via Jacuzzi when they were both giant stars again. Who wouldn't? Anyway, keep an eye out.

Love Land - You know, maybe communism isn't that bad. A sex theme park in southwest China that exhibits naked human sculptures, giant genitals and boasts a sex technique workshop (orgy rooms?) is stirring up howls of protest, according to state press. "Love Land", billed as China's first-ever sex theme park, is slated to open in Chongqing municipality in October, but detractors hope the project will never see the light of day. "We are building the park for the good of the public... to help adults enjoy a harmonious sex life," the paper quoted park manager Lu Xiaoqing as saying. "Sex is a taboo subject in China but people really need to have more access to information about it." Besides displays on sex history and techniques, the park boasts a giant rotating statue of the lower portion of a nearly naked woman bent over at the waist (I must visit this place). The announcement of the opening of the park elicited numerous comments from Internet users, with the majority of postings voicing opposition to the park. Officials also registered their disquiet (that's a new word to me) with the explicit images on offer. "These things are too exposed," the China Daily quoted Chongqing policewoman Liu Daiwei as saying. "I will feel uncomfortable to look at them when other people are around." Does anybody else think it's kind of odd that a nation thinks sex is so taboo...yet there's over a BILLION people in China. "I don't know how it happened." I personally think we need one of these in America...and not just in America...but specifically in Utah (so I don't have to fly Southwest to get there). Why? Think about it. Utah's boring. Now now, it's true...primarily in the northern part like Salt Lake City. Also, Utahns have a reputation of being frumpy & conservative...despite having a bunch of kids. What better way to break that stereotype than by having a Love Land USA minutes away from downtown (like maybe near Hogle Zoo). I can see it now. The entrance draped in pink curtains with a misting fountain for those hot summer days, a lookout tower stretching into the heavens like a mushroom growing towards the sun where you can see the entire Wasatch valley, with two domes located on opposite sides, one a planetarium with shows like Laser Barry White and Laser Rick James & the other showing educational footage during the day (for the kids) and the heyday of high quality porn (the 70's) at night. Think of Mr Sperm's Wild Ride, a rollercoaster ride where you just don't know where that wiggly thing's gonna go...but it's gonna get there fast. It'd be like the Museum d'Erotica in Barcelona that I visited meets Six Flags...but closer...and with corporate sponsorship (brought to you by Trojan & KY). A man can dream. Maybe I'll just have to take my tourist dollars back to China and the city of Chongqing. Ponder that one, Obama. With some government funding, we could stimulate the economy AND the people. Let's make this dream come true. You have the power, President Obama...and I'd be honored to have you & the First Lady as our first guests (though Clinton may be a little more ironically suited).

Ribs & Thighs - A curvaceous, scantily clad mannequin can keep her spot outside a Cincinnati area barbecue joint, but local officials want her to cover up a bit. The life-size figure stands as a busty beacon outside a restaurant in suburban Reading (REH'-ding), Ohio owned by Kenny Tessel. He told zoning officials at a hearing Wednesday night that the advertising gimmick has boosted business 40%. The 5-foot-10 mannequin is on the street wearing a bikini top and tight short-shorts, though Tessel brought her to the hearing draped in a long, sleeveless gray T-shirt. The board said Tessel may continue to use the figure only if it's dressed more modestly in front of the restaurant, too. He plans to appeal. Maybe if he just put up some corporate sponsored posters courtesy of Budweiser, like those cardboard cutouts with Miss Hawaiian Tropic that I've seen at the grocery stores, then he wouldn't need the mannequin...but alas, that is not the case. I'll tell you what though...forty percent more business just for buying a mannequin, I think that'll work for any industry...and that's not including the free publicity (limited as it might be) by kooks on the Internet posting pictures of that mannequin on the Internet. One problem - What's the name of this barbecue joint in Cincinnati? Didn't find it mentioned in the article. So people reading this (not reh'-ding this) don't know where to go to show their support and bring their money in exchange for some barbecued goodness. The ball has been dropped. Oh well, I don't plan on going to Cincinnati anyway...since President Obama's gonna fund Love Land USA here in Slick City. Right?

X-Men Origins: Dog Girl - Russian police have taken into care a 5-year-old girl who has been shut up in a flat in the company of cats and dogs for her entire life, police said on Wednesday. The girl, who lived in the Eastern Siberian city of Chita, could not speak Russian and acted like a dog when police took her into care. "For five years, the girl was 'brought up' by several dogs and cats and had never been outside. The unwashed girl was dressed in filthy clothes, had the clear attributes of an animal and jumped at people," according to a police report. The flat had no heat, water or sewage system. A police spokeswoman said the girl, known as Natasha, is being monitored by psychologists in an orphanage. Her mother was being questioned but her father has not been found yet. She appears to be about 2-years-old, though her real age is five, refuses to eat with a spoon and has taken on many of the gestures of the animals with which she lived, police said. "When carers leave the room, the girl jumps at the door and barks," the police said. Feral children, the stuff of folklore all over the world, usually exhibit the behavior of the animals with whom they have had closest contact, a condition known as the Mowgli Syndrome after the fictional child from Rudyard Kipling's "The Jungle Book" who was raised by wolves in the jungle. Such children have usually built strong ties with the animals with whom they lived and find the transition to normal human contact extremely traumatic. Yeah, sorry to disappoint with the lack of superpowers or anything like that...but yeah, this stuff is real. I remember watching a show about a boy raised by wolves in 19th century France until he was found and...he didn't last long in the human world, if I remember right. Then again, when this little girl turns 18, I've got $100 that says I know what her favorite sexual position will be. Huh? Any guesses? Anyone? Ah, too easy. That'd probably be the safest position for the other person too...given the potential for bite marks & scratches. Ferocious. "God damn it, $teve. She's five years old now. Get your mind out of the gutter. You'd be over forty at that point anyway." Shut up, self. I was just saying hypothetically. Oh crap, did I type all this out? Quick, say something about movies!

Pootie Tang!!! Anyway, that'll do it for today. This entry may be long, full of knowledge and cover a lot of ground...but would you expect anything else from a guy like me? You'll get used to it, just give it a few run-throughs. Your body will adjust. Have a great weekend everybody!!! If you'll excuse me, I have some people to talk to about a falsely-named hot tub.

All Kneel Before THOR!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Bowling last night…really didn't involve bowling at all. Unfortunately, a few people from work were sick, so it ended up being just me, Nikki, her boyfriend Q and my cousin Ranae for the party at Lucky Strike. We met up after work and walked down 16th Street to the Pavilion…and when we got there, it was pretty busy…but the greeters, coat check, bartenders, waitresses, even the lady walking around taking pictures with Mr Pin (their mascot) were all very nice and helpful. One even walked me to the restroom. Such service. On top of that, there were buffets, charity auctions, people walking around with food and drinks, and the atmosphere was very swanky. I could easily see a place like that being overpriced…but I may have to go back there for their St. Patty's Day event too. That one will cost a few bucks though. Anyway, we got there…and all the lanes were reserved by teams from local companies…so we just sat down at an open booth…and they basically brought us these whole gourmet pizzas (like shrimp & bleu cheese, caprese, marguerite and other pretentious varieties), baked potato chips, and our glasses were never empty. It was awesome. The four of us basically just got to know each other a little bit, since it was the first meetings between a few of us…and it was just a great time. Maybe when the Mad Scientist visits next week, I'll have to show him it. Great place. If you're a local, I suggest checking it out.

After a few drinks, we walked back to my place and watched "Role Models" starring Paul Rudd & Seann William Scott. I'm sure you've seen the commercials, but it's about two guys who do community service hours with Sturdy Wings, which is like a Big Brother program…and the kids are a little difficult. One's a foul-mouthed little black kid (Bobb'e Thompson) and the other's a live action role playing McLovin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse from "Superbad") but it was actually really funny at points. Not a classic or anything…but pretty entertaining. I say give it a shot if you like sophomoric humor…which I absolutely do. Here's the news...

It's Always Funny in Philadelphia - Employees of a Pennsylvania pet store expecting a shipment of tropical fish and salt water…instead got a man's dead body. Mark Arabia owns the Pets Plus store in northeast Philadelphia, where the mix-up was discovered Tuesday. He says he learned the body was that of a 65-year-old San Diego-area man who died of early onset Alzheimer's disease. The body was supposed to go to a research laboratory in Allentown, a 70-mile drive away (but well worth it). US Airways released a statement saying the air cargo problem was caused by a "verbal miscommunication between a delivery driver and the cargo representative (possibly also suffering from Alzheimer's)." The Tempe, Arizona-based airline said it's deeply sorry. The fish were shipped in three boxes. The corpse was shipped in a wooden coffin wrapped in cardboard. Arabia said the fish were left at the airport...and probably died. Shipping mistakes happen…but this would've been weird. You would think that it'd be weird for somebody putting tags on this large cargo though. "Okay, we've got this coffin going to a Pet Store in Philly…and these fish tanks going to a mortuary in Allentown. Hmm, maybe they want to brighten the mortuary up a bit. Good for them." Thank goodness that Obama's lifting the ban on stem cell research so that we can find a cure for Alzheimer's among other ailments. I have a hard time getting behind the protesters that say stem cell research kills babies for no good reason and stuff like that…because then I think, "You know, the same could be said about masturbation. Think about the MILLIONS of children that you kill every single time that rub one out. You'd be the Mussolini of Masturbation. The Stalin of Stroking. Attila the Fun. Erik the Red Palms. The Caesar of Salami Slapping. The Hitler of Hand Love." Okay, I think that's enough for today…and I'm not even gonna utter what I thought from Milosevic. Truly disturbing. Anyway, yeah. Go Stem Cells!!!

Colbert Update - Last week, the great Stephen Colbert convinced the Colbert Nation to go out and vote for his surname to be the official name of a space station being launched into orbit later this year. When we last reported, he was behind the name Serenity…and ahead of Xenu (scientology overlord). Well, the count by mid-Tuesday had votes for the fellow great $teve in the lead, just shy of 115,000 votes and Serenity trailing at 98,641. More than 451,000 people have voted. The to-be-named space station room, currently called Node 3, is scheduled to be delivered to the space station near the end of this year. It will have lots of big windows and a machine that will turn astronauts' urine into drinking water (tasty). The name Colbert doesn't quite fit with NASA's theme, said agency spokesman John Yembrick. Other U.S. rooms in the international orbiting outpost are named Unity, Harmony and Destiny. However, the space agency hasn't made any decision and voting continues until March 20th. NASA has a legalistic out. Its contest rules say voting results "are not binding on NASA and NASA reserves the right to ultimately select a name" in keeping with its best interests. The idea behind the contest was to get people excited about space and we can all hope that NASA won't be stuck or have to ignore the vote…but don't cry for Colbert if NASA uses its regulations to thwart him. He's already managed to get his name attached to an ice cream flavor, a junior league hockey team, a Hungarian bridge and an eagle, to name a few…along with running for President, getting his portrait in the Smithsonian, winning a Peabody, singing with some of music's greatest, and getting an on-air lap dance from Jane Fonda to name a few other things. It's good to be $teve.

Thor Update - Have I mentioned they're making a Thor movie on this blog yet? Probably not…or maybe just in passing with other Marvel superhero movies…but here's what's going on with it…and it's kind of intriguing. First off, the director is Kenneth Branagh. You may remember him from a bunch of 90's Shakespearean movies like Hamlet, Much Ado About Nothing, Othello, Love's Labour's Lost, Henry V, then directing & starring in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (great flick with DeNiro as the Monster) and then somehow getting conned into playing Dr. Loveless on "Wild Wild West". Well, he's directing this flick…and as of this week, there's apparently a short list of actors set to play the main characters. Alexander Skarsgard ("True Blood") is rumored to play the title character Thor, Norse God of Thunder while the main villain, his brother Loki, the God of Evil is rumored to be played by Josh Hartnett ("Sin City", "Pearl Harbor", & "30 Days of Night"). So it could be a pretty good flick. I don't know the Skarsgard guy…but I don't have HBO…and that Sawyer guy from Lost is already playing Gambit…so there's no way he can get two roles in the Marvel Universe. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. Just wanted to give you all the skinny.

Big Love vs. Mormons - Is there anybody out there that has seen the HBO series "Big Love" and doesn't love it? Anyone? It's addicting…and being from Utah, of course I want to know how Mormons (even the small percentage of fundamentalist polygamists) are portrayed. However, now there's a controversy. In the episode this Sunday (plug), Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn) is in a Mormon temple endowment ceremony to avoid losing her membership in the church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints took offense to it. "Certainly church members are offended when their most sacred practices are misrepresented or presented without context or understanding," a church statement said. Only church members in good standing can enter temples to perform or witness sacred ceremonies. The ceremonies are centered on religious teachings and re-enactments of Bible stories to help Mormons prepare an eternal place for themselves and others by proxy in Heaven. Members take a vow not to discuss the rituals outside temple walls, although details of the ceremonies are widely available on the Internet (what isn't really?). The dramatization of the ceremony was vetted for accuracy by an adviser familiar with temple ceremonies who was on set during filming, said series creators and executives producers Mark V. Olsen and Will Scheffer. "In approaching the dramatization of the endowment ceremony, we knew we had a responsibility to be completely accurate and to show the ceremony in the proper context and with respect. We therefore took great pains to depict the ceremony with the dignity and reverence it is due." HBO has apologized…but is still going to air it this Sunday (plug). Frankly, I like it. It's good exposure for the church…and it appears to be done accurately, though to be honest, I have no idea what goes on in the temple. My mom was Mormon, my dad was Catholic, so I went to both (mostly Mormon) up until I was about 12, then was given a choice…and I chose to watch football. Then I went to church in high school to play basketball and hit on girls. Technically, not the most holy of reasons…but I couldn't think of any better. That being said, I suggest the church to just take it as good publicity (like the entire series kind of is) and accept your role as a major religion across the world. You've seen how other religions are depicted in movies and shows. This is NOTHING!!! Let it go. Let it go. Take a deep breath, sing a verse of "I Am A Child of God", drink some diet root beer, go home and have a talk with your wives. They'll be able to help you keep it all in perspective. It's about Love. Big Love. From up above. My guess as to why they're offended by it...and that maybe somebody on the board saw "Basic Instinct" and realized that Jeanne Tripplehorn was in it...but that would require somebody on the board admitting to seeing "Basic Instinct" and it's Rated R. You see the problem this presents.

New Football League - Did you know that there's a new professional (American) football league starting in October? Me neither. It's called the United Football League…and it just had some big news with regards to its legitimacy. Former NFL coaches Dennis Green, Jim Fassel and Jim Haslett will lead teams in the new United Football League. The league plans to debut with four teams in San Francisco, Orlando, New York and…wait for it…LAS VEGAS!!! It announced the coaches Wednesday. Ex-NFL defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell will coach the New York franchise. Green, the former Vikings and Cardinals coach, will be in San Francisco. Fassel, who led the Giants to the Super Bowl, will coach Las Vegas. Haslett, the ex-Saints coach, will be in Orlando. The UFL is an outdoor professional football league. Teams are scheduled to play games in Hartford, Sacramento and Los Angeles along with the home markets. The league also announced that the San Francisco franchise will play games at AT&T Park…where the NFL's 49ers play. Furthermore, guess where a potential market for next year is. That's right, SALT LAKE CITY. Pretty sweet, right? It gets better. They're now taking suggestions for the team names…and I have a few doozies (patent pending) for them…being a professional marketer and all. Maybe the Vegas franchise will give me a job if they like it. Anyway, here are my suggestions…in order of coolness…

• San Francisco Quake - Also works for the LA franchise when they roll around. I kid you not, the LA Quake was a team that my buddy & I made up for a Sports Marketing class a decade ago…and we've got all the logo and everything ready to go. Let me know what you think UFL.


• Las Vegas Knights - You can go with Aces, Elvi, Rattlers, anything like that…but you and I both know…that nothing beats Knights in Las Vegas. Days aren't bad either.


• Orlando & New York - I went with Tornadoes & Thunder…just because I didn't want to go with Otters or Manatees (you know, for Sea World) and Dawgz for NYC. Something about promoting illiteracy just doesn't sit well with me.


• Slick City - Though I know there's absolutely no way that they'll EVER let this fly…as shown with the Big Love story mentioned earlier, I still think that the best name for a Utah football Franchise, is the Salt Lake Stormin' Mormons. Who's with me? (Already have a logo for that one too)
  

Anyway, just starting out a possible 15-hour day today. I offered to do some overtime by helping out another department again…and it has the potential of going to around midnight. Fingers crossed that it's not quite that long…but either way, I'm getting paid…and I could use some rent money since I'll be going to Cali three weeks from today. Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get the money, dolla dolla bills y'all. Have a great day everybody!!!