Adventures in Babysitting: Vegas

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's been a few days since my last report...but I've been in Las Vegas...and though I'm gonna warn you ahead of time that there's no tales of debauchery or wild parties or drunken adventures, so if you're looking for that, I'm afraid that I'll have to disappoint you. There's actually not even any accompanying pictures to go along with it. Sadly I have to start off by saying that two legends passed away over the weekend with comedian Bernie Mac and the great musician Isaac Hayes moving on to the next gig in the sky. Odd thing is that both men star in the upcoming movie "Soul Men" with Samuel L. Jackson and directed by Malcolm D. Lee ("Undercover Brother"). In the November flick, Mac and Jackson star as soul singers who agree to reunite and perform at a tribute for their recently deceased band leader after being estranged for a couple of decades...with Hayes playing himself, of course. Life is an amazing and mysterious thing. Be sure to treasure every moment with those that you care about.

Let's see, Wednesday was good news because my manager certification has finally been given a date. After that, nothing much really happened other than housesitting for my dad while he was in Sturgis (probably having the time of his life). After that, I went to the airport. While waiting for my plane, there was a few dozen Chinese students in a tour group chatting away. Some of the girls were glancing at me and giggling from afar. Not sure what that means...but it was probably my Dee's Nuts shirt...or not. It might have been lost in translation. I did try to start a conversation with a guy, maybe seventeen or so, that sat next to me...with my one semester of Mandarin that I took almost three years ago. It didn't last very long...actually like two exchanges. "Ni hao." "Ni hao. Ni hao ma?" "Wo hen hao xie xie. Ni na?" "Wo hen hao. (Mandarin I don't know)" "Sorry, that's all I've got for Mandarin." "(Blank stare)" So I felt a little better knowing that I knew a little more Mandarin than he knew English. Oh...and in case you were wondering that exchange means, "Hello." "Hello, how are you?" "I am good, thank you. And yourself?" "I am good, purple monkey dishwasher..."

The flight arrived a little late...but it didn't matter...because we had to sit on the tarmac for about an hour too because, get this, they told us over the intercom that they were having trouble starting one of the engines. Why would you tell us that? I'm not afraid of flying or anything...but there was a 7-year old brat in the seat behind me who wouldn't shut up about it. "Did you hear that? We're going to get up in the air and crash? The plane's gonna go woo, woo, kerplooosh, AAAAAH!!!" By the way, he wasn't being a dick and trying to scare people. He was really scared about it...and had to make sure that everybody knew about it. The lady next to me was a little freaked out...or just fidgety or something. His mom said, "It's okay. They're going to fix it before we take off." "No, they're not. They're just going to put some gum on it or something and it's going to explode on reentry (are we in a rocket ship now?)" So that's when I turn around and say, "Hey buddy, no need to worry. I'm an airplane engineer...and it's actually surprisingly difficult to crash an airplane. You're much safer here than riding your bike...and they won't let us leave until the plane is fixed." "I don't have a bike." "Me neither. High five!" Hand was raised...but he looked at it like it was an uncooked Pop Tart. I was left hanging...by a spectacled 7-year old brat. "Don't worry playa. We're perfectly safe." Moments later, we crashed into the Great Salt Lake. Okay, we really didn't. You would've seen it on the news. I basically just left it at that...and the kid just talked quieter. I then asked the lady next to me if she wanted some water or something...and got it for her...since we weren't going anywhere.

Then he had our one-hour and two-minute flight...followed by an HOUR wait for my luggage (had to check because I had a Mach 3 Razor and a tube of toothpaste). After about twenty minutes, I started talking to the guy next to me at Baggage Claim about how this was ridiculous and blah blah blah...but worst of all, my ride was waiting in the parking garage for me...since I first got there...and I made her wait...because it took them an hour to unload my bag. Anyway, that was really lame...but we got home and to bed by midnight-ish. Which sucked because Bubbles had work the next morning, so I felt bad for that. I made it up to her with a neck massage...because that's what I do.

Thursday

I woke up a little earlier than I wanted to...but because I was babysitting Keanna, Bubbles' 6-year old roommate. Now, she has been through a lot of drama over her life, especially over the last few months, but she's honestly one of the sweetest kids that you could ever imagine. She really liked to play with Cookie (me) too. Every few seconds it was "Hey, wanna play (game)?" "Sure, why not?" We played Perfection, Connect Four, drawing, paper airplanes, basketball with crumpled paper, and a bunch of other games over the course of about eight hours (Bubbles was at work & her mom Barbie was running errands).

That night, Bubbles and I were going to meet up with Hedelia and her kids and little sister at La Salsa so that the kids could play (and hopefully run themselves ragged) and the adults could sip on some margaritas. It worked out splendidly. During that time, Hedelia suggested that I speak with HR director again to see when they'll start hiring again...because allegedly it may be next month or sooner. So I will certainly do that this week. Other than that, we watched some TV while it allegedly rained (and flooded) in Henderson...but we didn't see a drop on our block. Slept like babes.

Friday

Again, it was my day to watch Keanna and we played more games. She kept saying stuff like "You're fun...because you're like a kid." It may be true. I have some youthful enthusiasm when it comes to playing with kids. Also, she had Guitar Hero...so we played that for a bit too. I had never played Guitar Hero before...but it's exactly like Rock Band when it comes to the guitars. I mentioned to Keanna that I had Rock Band at home...and now she can't wait for me to move down there too. Also this day, Barbie had a bit of drama with her ex and had a yelling conversation over the phone (as I tried to distract Keanna in her bedroom and outside so that she didn't have to hear) and when they went to run some errands later on, the ex stopped by, so Bubbles & I were there to mediate. Good times. Not really though.

That night, we had Fatburger for dinner at Sunset Station (good eats) then Bubbles & I met up with Hedelia and her husband to go see "Step Brothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. For those who haven't seen the previews, it's about two bratty forty-year old men who become stepbrothers when their overprotective parents marry. It's a pretty crude and ultimately stupid comedy...but it does have its moments. If you were expecting more than you haven't seen the last half dozen Ferrell flicks or something. During the movie, Bubbles started having a migraine again so we headed back home after that (around midnight anyway) and I did my usual nurse routine to help her out...and it was greatly appreciated.

Saturday

Saturday was housesitting day for one of Bubbles' friends...but it was okay because we got to see their pets (two cute bulldogs named Tilly & Willy and three chubby cats, one named Mr. Beefcake) and get to use their pool and have some fun. Now, I'm a fair-skinned guy. I lathered on the sunscreen...but I knew that it wouldn't do much in the long run...especially when it's around 110. We had a great time though. We played variations of volleyball (variations because Keanna can't swim and didn't want to learn, though I'm a pretty good teacher), Red Light-Green Light, Marco Polo, and even a little adventurer game that she & I played while Bubbles made PB&J sam'iches. In that game, we went through waterfalls, fought off monsters (like a mermaid beach ball & a snake-like vacuum pump) and raced around the edge of the pool. We all had a great time...and I have the splotches of red upon my shoulders and chest to prove it...but at least I have some color now.

When we got home, we were all pretty tired, so we decided to watch some movies. Bubbles took a nap (other headache coming on) so Keanna & I watched a movie that was actually one of my favorites as a kid, "The Care Bears II the Movie." Here's the really scary thing though...about thirty seconds into the movie, I realized that I was singing along with the movie that I hadn't seen in probably twenty years. Basically, the plot of the movie (for those who care) is about the Care Bears & Care Bear Cousins starting out as babies and get babysat by John & Dawn...while their friend Christy makes a pact with the evil Darkheart, who's after the Care Bears to destroy all the caring and kindness in the world...starting with a summer camp that the three real kids are going to (in the ultimate "Red Dawn" strategy of taking over from the inside-out, I guess). Anyway, I don't want to give away the ending...but it's definitely worth a watch...if you have kids that like it. FYI - It was one of Bubbles favorites growing up too...but she'll never admit to knowing all the songs. Allegedly, she's too cool for all that. Here are some other things that I noticed about the show that intrigued me...

• I believe that all the Care Bears have regrets...namely the matching heart tattoos on their right butt cheeks


• The voice of Christy was done by Cree Summers, who voices Foxxy Love on the "Drawn Together" series


• Why is that when the Care Bears do the Care Bear Stare, they close their eyes and laser beams show out of their chests like Iron Man?


• If True Heart (bear) & Noble Heart (horse) were the only Care Bears...then they had a bunch of Care Bears...and Care Bear Cousins (lions, raccoons, elephants, monkeys, penguins, etc) were are the Care Bear Daddies?


• Also, were both True Heart & Noble Heart girls? They both sounded like it...and in that case, were they like...a couple...or just friends?


• Why do I still have the songs stuck in my head?

After that, we had a dragon trifecta starting with "Dragonheart" starring Dennis Quaid, Dina Meyer, David Thewlis (simply an unattractive man), and the voice of Bond, Sean Connery. I believe I already talked about this one last time I went down to Vegas for the weekend...but I actually got to see it this time instead of leaving about ten minutes into it. Then we watched the sequel "Dragonheart: A New Beginning" starring...well the Masterson kid from the Pirates movies. That's about it. It was pretty dumb...but what do you expect from a straight-to-DVD sequel? The third leg was "Eragon" with Jeremy Irons and the evil John Malkovich (for about thirty seconds...but even that's enough). We all really liked "Eragon" and Bubbles is really looking forward to the sequels (told her that it was based on a series of books). Oh...and my ability to pay attention to movies came in handy because both Keanna & Bubbles have a tendency to ask questions throughout the movie like "Is that the bad guy?" "What just happened?" "Who's that guy?" "What?" "What's the blue thing? Why is it so important?" "What's that smell?" and I was there to catch them up on the story...and leave them wanting when it was supposed to be a surprise...unless they gave me that pouty faced look, then I'd tell them anyway.

After Keanna, went to bed, Bubbles & I watched "Red Eye" a thriller starring superhot Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy. This story is about a young woman who boards an airplane to find out that the person sitting next to her has her father being watched by an assassin and simply wants her to change a high-profile senator into a different room at the hotel that she runs...or her father dies. It's actually really creepy...and I had seen it before but it was good to see it with Bubbles because she really likes scary movies that aren't gory and this fits the bill (rated PG-13 though directed by Wes Craven). I would recommend it to anybody out there that likes a good scary flick...and without the superbloody stuff that plagues the industry these days. Bubbles & I realized how much that we miss our Movie Nights that we used to have. She's a lot of fun.

Sunday / Monday

We slept in this day because we were pretty much planning on doing an all-nighter since I had to be at the airport around 5 AM Monday morning. Anyway, we woke up, watched Keanna, did some grocery shopping, went to McDonald's so that Keanna could play in the area...but she was being bossy to some older kids (like 11 or 12-years old) who were climbing where they shouldn't have been...so after a few warnings and her still doing it, we left. Barbie got home, we watched "The Bee Movie" which was surprisingly good. I say surprising...because I'm not a huge fan of the Seinfeld...and I know that you'll judge me for saying that...but it's the truth. It's okay...but I can't understand why people say it's the greatest comedy in TV history. That's all. However, I would recommend this movie to anybody with children...or without. It's about a bee who decides to finally break the code of silence with the human race...and basically ends up suing them for all the Honey in the world. That's a poor summary...but the movie's much better & funnier than it sounds. Check it out. "We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. Black & Yellow!!!"

After that, Bubbles & I watched a bunch of episodes of "The L Word" series starring Jennifer Beals, Mia Kirschner, and a lot of steamy scenes with beautiful young ladies...so I was interested. Oh...and lesbian drama, so Bubbles was interested in that too. It's a pretty good show. Thanks for introducing me, Bubbles. After that, we basically just talked as best friends do, dozing off a few times for quick naps until she took me to the airport at 5 AM.

I made my 6:20 AM flight...but it didn't matter because we were delayed an hour again for...inability to start one of the engines. Was this the same plane? This time, the people next to me were a guy and his little two-year old son Isaihia (same name as one of my best & oldest friends). The guy kept apologizing when he would scream or something when sitting on the tarmac for an hour. "I'm sorry." "That's okay. He's what? About two?" "Yeah, just had his second birthday." "It's all good. I have a niece about his age and I spent all weekend with a six-year old myself (showed off my gangsta Care Bears tattoo on my arm)" "Nice. That probably costs a pretty penny." "Nyeh, she just had to ask nicely and bat her eyelashes a bit. I'm a sucker...all the way to the soggy white stick." "I hear ya, man." Eventually I got home and took a nap and showered up and all that stuff...then I started typing this up. Now, I may go find something to do...or just stay home and relax. All in all, it was a great trip.

You may be asking, "So...you did NOTHING in Vegas?" If you mean like no Blue Man Group, concert, VIP party at the Forty 40 club hanging with my boy Jigga, or anything like that...then you're absolutely correct. However, I did exactly what I planned on doing. I hung out with my friends who I care about...and had a great time. I'm a sucker for making people smile...and I did plenty of that this weekend.

Oh, speaking of which, almost as soon as I landed, my sister-in-law gave me a number for a friend of hers named Porsia, who's "sweet and absolutely gorgeous, 23 years old, and has a two year old son. Text her please." So eventually I did...and she seems like a nice girl and wants to meet me next time I go up to Ogden to see the family. Then again, they all start out sounding nice before you get to know them and they destroy your soul from the inside. Just based on my experience. Anyway, I'll keep you posted when/if that happens.

Have a great night everybody!!! RIP Mac & Ike the Ripper!!! I hope that Brett Favre enjoys playing for the Jets. Check out the Olympics...and best of luck to Michael Phelps in his pursuit of swimming gold. Again, big thanks to Bubbles, Barbie, and Keanna for a wonderful weekend!!! Love you all madly!!!

Big M, Little organ

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Got a nice little surprise this morning. I am now scheduled to get officially manager certified (again) in a few weeks...so that's a fantastic step in my future employment in the city of Las Vegas...of which I will be visiting in a matter of hours to possibly interview down there & have a fun weekend. Oh happy day!!!


I'd also like to wish a happy birthday to my favorite basketball player of all time...and an outstanding American gentlemen, Mr. David Maurice Robinson, formerly of the San Antonio Spurs & the REAL Dream Team back in 1992. Happy birthday sir!!!

I'd also like to send out a little prayer, and ask that you do the same, for the great American actor Sir Morgan Freeman who is recovering from serious injuries from a car accident the other day. We wish you a full & complete recovery...and not just so that you can play God in the highly anticipated (by me) "$teve Almighty" or the next Batman flick. Favorite line in any Freeman movie is still "Shoot THIS mother (lover)!!!" from Wanted. Only Morgan Freeman can pull it off classy. Get well soon!!!

Other than that, I don't really have much else to say other than I'm excited to go see Vegas (as always) and I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend. See ya on Monday!!! Skadoosh!!!

Prepare for Ludicrous Speed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The party last night was a complete success!!! I'd like to thank Lilie (because she showed up first), the Mad Scientist, JL Clyde, Cat, and Casanova for stopping by and rocking my apartment complex (cops were walking around after everybody left…but they didn't even knock…so it was probably another building that called). You're welcome over any time!!! After our party was winding down (because some had to work in the morning), we watched…basically one of the worst movies ever made. Now, as you know, I'll give a movie the benefit of a doubt…and base its merit on the genre of which it is produced. Being a zombie movie, that is an extremely WIDE spectrum of what makes it good. It can just be gory and action packed...or full of cheesy one-liners and a sense of humor about itself…or investigate the moral dilemmas or a zombie invasion and what you are willing to do to survive…or even use of the Force ("Resident Evil Extinction") but as long as its zombies and done even half-ass, it is what it is. However, this movie "Dead Clowns" that we saw last night…was just ridiculously horrible. Now, when the plot summary of the cover reads " " then you expect…that a movie about zombie clowns would take itself humorously. It did not. It tried to take a serious approach…and be INCREDIBLY dramatic and just draw it out…and draw it out…and draw it out…and then I would fast forward…and still nothing would happen…and it just didn't work…because the sound work was horrible. You couldn't hear the dialogue (which I assume was a blessing in disguise anyway). When the zombies showed up, nobody screams. They just kind of look at them, turn around slowly, and walk up the stairs…or into the other room. It's just…a horrible movie…even for a student film…and even though it was only like 80 minutes long…and about twenty minutes in fast forward…it felt like it took HOURS to watch it. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody…other than maybe to see what happens when you have horrible sound editing and try to make a movie just to do gory special effects (poorly). My apologies if anybody involved in the making of this film is reading this…but it's just my opinion.


To follow it up this morning, I watched the other movie bought by the Mad Scientist at the two-dollar value bin at his local Hollywood Video called "Dead & Deader" (I'm not joking). Not the long-awaited sequel starring Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels…but another zombie flick starring Dean Cain (Superman on "Lois & Clark" series), Guy Torre ("American History X"), Susan Ward ("Wild Things 2") and Peter Greene (Redfoot on "Usual Suspects"). Basically, an attack force is sent into Cambodia to see why they lost contact with humanitarian services…only to find out that glowing scorpions are turning people into zombies craving human flesh. A grenade goes off…and all the corpses are returned home to the United States…but then they come back to life just before they're buried…and only Superman, er Dean Cain has the zombie power…but isn't a zombie. So he, an army cook (Torre) and a sexy film geek waitress (Ward) can save the world from a zombie infestation. Yeah, this one was pretty bad too…but it was purposely bad…and had a few one-liners…and even semi-witty references to how bad of a movie it is (Remember the sexy film geek? They talk about George Romero & other zombie movies). Maybe it was only tolerable in comparison to "Dead Clowns" but it was a TV movie on Starz, so they at least had a few bucks to spend on making it.


What? I'm Dead? - Since I'm apparently on a zombie kick anyway, a man believed to have died in a Colorado flood in 1976 has been found living in Oklahoma. 63-year-old Darrell Johnson told the Fort Collins Coloradoan for a story Friday that he didn't know he had been counted among the 144 victims of the Big Thompson Canyon flood until a resident called him last year. Barb Anderson said residents didn't want his name on a memorial plaque without proof he was dead. Johnson and his family had decided to leave their shabby cabin the morning of the flood after just one night. A few hours later, the resort was washed away. How Johnson ended up on the victims list remains a mystery. Here's the best part of the whole story to me…Mr. Johnson directs funerals in Oklahoma City. Does anybody else think that's kind of funny? The dead guy directing funerals? Huh? Nobody? Okay, at least it makes me happy. Glad that you're okay, Mr. Johnson.


Another thought that I had the other day…was me wondering if I'd be able to rob a bank. Now, not that I would actually do it or anything (too easily identified in a lineup…oh, and the whole being illegal thing of course) but I was just wondering…if I had the ability to. Could I come up with a plan that'd work? Could I form a team of individuals that I could trust AND would be able to get the job done? Would I be able to see the plan through? If something goes wrong, would I be able to adapt…or would I freeze? Would I bail? Would I see betrayal coming? Would I betray to get another couple bucks? Could I get away with it? Where would I go with my newfound fortune? Where could I go with the cops chasing me? What would I do with the money? Would I be able to trust anybody again? Could I afford a Panda with that kind of cash? Would I do it again if I got away with it? One last big score. It'd be interesting if there was a way that people could…I don't know rob a bank…but not really. Like do it…using laser tag or something (so nobody gets hurt…unless they get pistol whipped for actin' up) and in the end, you'd have to give the money back…just to see if they could do it. It'd be interesting…at least to me.


Shortly after this thought, it brought up another experience that I've always wanted to do…but have yet to do…and that is to roll around in money. Oh…for those of you who don't know, there are a few things that I've wanted to do for a long time…like pay for an expensive car or a house with a suitcase full of cash, chase down somebody in a car (think Nic Cage in a Lamborghini chasing Sean Connery in a Hummer through the streets of San Francisco in "The Rock"), fly an old bi-plane (or fire off a few rounds from the gun in the back), sky dive, and roll around in a big pile of money…bucky naked. Now, conceivably this could be done. I've approached a point in my life, where if I wanted to cash out my savings, 401k, cash advance on a few credit cards, etc. that I could get a fairly good pile of single dollar bills…and instead of living at a gentleman's club, could roll around in this pile for a while…toss it up into the air & let it rain down upon me...until my heart is content…then stack 'em up, refill the suitcase, and pay off the debt (pending any mishaps). "But $teve, would you really roll around in money? It's dirty…and been handled by so many people." This is where what I assume money laundering skills would come into play. Probably only make up two loads or so, add a little fabric softener, you've got a fun time. Honestly though, I probably wouldn't even wait that long. I'd strip down and just roll in it. I would dive in like Scrooge McDuck in his Money Bin, backstroking, giggling like a schoolgirl, if some of the bills are sticky, I'd probably hop up and do a Money Dance do try to shake them off…and then dive right back in. Here's another reason that washing it might be a bad idea. Then again, I'm a bit of a weirdo. Anyway, that's my thought on the matter…and now I have shared that with you…though you probably don't care. Anybody else have something similar? Jell-O bath? Vaseline in your boots? Wrapped in leather?


That'll do it for today. I'll be out for a few days in Vegas, hopefully trying to figure out exactly what's going on down there and do what I need to do to relocate. I'm not expecting to find out a whole lot in the immediate future…but at least I'll have a fun weekend in Vegas. Funny thing though, I was going to try to surprise the Wingmans this weekend…and they called me last night to inform me that they were coming into town this weekend. Ain't that the way? Well, the flight was already paid for…so I guess I'll meet up with them another time. They're as excited about me moving down there as I am. Ah well, good things come to those who wait, everything happens for a reason, third cliché. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Now, if you'll excuse me...

Freedom Fried Potaters

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Tonight is going to be an impromptu Zombie Clown Rock Band Party Night!!! So come one, come all. Starts at 9 PM (when I get off work) and we'll be playing Rock Band, drinking a variety of beverages, and watching movies provided by the Mad Scientist called "Dead Clowns" and "Dead & Deader" which are allegedly about zombies…and based on the ridiculous titles, may prove to be a good time for all. So BYOB and I'll provide the cowbell.

Yesterday was a pretty standard, dare I say, boring day. A few of us order Sam Pan Chinese food at work…so I had the Ying Yang Chicken (because it sounded gangsta…and the description was basically Chicken Cordon Bleu without the cheese) and some cream cheese wontons and rice. It was delicious of course…but the most important part is always the cookie at the end…and the Fortune Cookie of the Day read "A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship…in bed." Hot, right? Luckily, I only have a few fond memories that would constitute a renewed friendship in bed…so we'll see if this happens. Wish me luck, eh?

Want to wish Happy Presidential Birthdays to possible future President, Senator Barack Obama & former pretend-President, Billy Bob Thornton ("Love Actually")!!! Happy birthday gentlemen. That'd be an interesting choice for the vice presidency. "Obama / Billy Bob in '08 - Freedom Fried Potaters..." I can see him fielding the tough questions now. "Vice President Thornton, what is your plan for the economy?" "Make it better!!! Next question. You...with the bad toupee." "What is your strategy to do that, sir?" "That's on a need to know basis...and frankly, your ass doesn't need to know. Next question. You...in the skirt. Nice, by the way."

Preview of the Olympics? - Two-time Olympic discus champion Virgilijus Alekna encountered an unusual problem at a final pre-Beijing training session in Lithuania at the weekend -- his practice venue was covered in dog poo. Apparently, the stadium was used for a dog show earlier in the day. "Dogs were doing what animals usually do (oh yeah!), defecating and peeing (oh, not what I was thinking)" the professional bodyguard told Lithuanian daily Lietuvos Zinios. "There were lots of dogs and they have left lots of things behind ... and nobody even tried to collect them. I have no idea how can I train in such conditions ... and who would clean the discus after every throw." Imagine if it were the shot put...and he had to put it to his cheek before every throw. The discus doesn't seem that bad now, does it? Anyway, please clean up after your pets...or Virgilijus Alekna is going to hunt you down and beat you down...right after a stop in Beijing to get a whiff of the sweet smell of victory. Four days until the opening ceremony on 8/8/08. USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

Not Just for Limp Noodle - Impotence drugs may help carry cancer-fighting drugs through the brain to treat malignant tumors. Tests in rats showed two erectile dysfunction drugs -- Schering-Plough's Levitra and Pfizer's Viagra -- helped carry a chemotherapy drug past the blood-brain barrier, the team at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles said. Rats with brain tumors lived 42 days when injected with the cancer drug adriamycin. But when they also got Levitra, known generically as vardenafil, the rats survived an average of 53 days. Levitra appeared to be more effective. So it doesn't extend...well THAT...but it can also extend your life. Is there anything they can't do? I'm a little concerned though. We spend so much time researching erectile drugs, bigger breasts, smaller backsides and hair restoration...that I'm concerned that we'll forget about things like diseases and viruses.

Well, that'll do it for today. I'm busy busy today at work. Stop on by for the party tonight. I'm gonna need a few beers after today. Have a great day everybody!!! Vote Obama / Billy Bob in '08!!!

Wai Khru - Respect to Teachers

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So yesterday before work, I was watching the new Contender Asia show...and this one is better because it's Muay Thai Kickboxing...and Sly was nowhere to be found. Not that I don't like Sylvester Stallone...but because he needs subtitles...and apparently they refused to do that for him during the first season when it was just boxing. Anyway, this one does have subtitles...because it's bringing kickboxers from all over the world together and being mentored by Stephen Fox, a legend in the sport and former champion (not the poet). It was just the first episode that I saw...but it introduced the guys and split them up into teams...and even had the first fight. The matchup - Well, one team got to pick the guy from their team fighting...and the guy from the other team that would fight. The team leader asked if anybody WANTED to fight first before they could view the other team for weaknesses and what have you. Of course, the Thai guy that speaks three words of English said, "I want fight." Australian team leader John Wayne Parr, "Are you sure, mate?" "I want fight." If there's one thing that I know about Muay Thai kickboxing, it's never bet against the Thai guy. In the interview (with subtitles) he was saying how he fights for his mother and to provide for her...and that if he somehow lost this fight, he wouldn't be able to show his face in Thailand. His opponent - An unexperienced Canadian boxer turned kickboxer with a new wife and daughter back home. I felt sorry for the guy...and yeah, I'm pretty sure that he lost (had to go to work before the last ten minutes of the show...and the Thai guy was handling him pretty well in the first two rounds). Love kickboxing. I was waiting for Jean Claude to be in this show...but oh well, maybe in the finale...oooh, or Tony Jaa. That'd be even better.

Also, I'd like to wish Happy Birthdays to Lost hottie Evangeline Lilly (29), Patriots quarterback Tom Brady who turns 31, Metallica frontman James Hetfield turns 45-ugh (he ends all his sentences with an ugh, listen to an album or two), character actor John C. McGinley turns 49, former convict Martha Stewart turns 67, father of Chuck & Emilio actor Martin Sheen turns 68 (real name is Ramon Gerardo Antonio Estevez...in case you were wondering too), and lounge singer Tony Bennett turns 82.

Dog Adopts Tiger Cubs - A golden retriever at the Safari Zoological Park in Caney, Kansas has adopted three tiger cubs that were abandoned by its deadbeat mother. They were born Sunday a week ago, but the next day, the mother stopped caring for them. Park owner Tom Harvey said the cubs were wandering around, trying to find their birth mother, who wouldn't pay attention to them. That's when the cubs were put in the care of a golden retriever. He said he has seen reports of pigs nursing cubs in China, and he actually got the golden retriever after his wife saw television accounts of dogs caring for tiger cubs. Puppies take about the same amount of time as tiger cubs to develop, and Harvey said the adoptive mother just recently weaned her own puppies. "The timing couldn't have been any better," he said. The most surprising thing about this story though…isn't the dog stepping up to care for the tiger cubs…but that there's a safari park with tigers…in Kansas. So many surprising things that I don't know about our great nation. Anyway, enjoy the picture of the white tiger cubs.

Ten Buck Laptops? - India is developing a laptop to be sold at US$10, that will target higher education applications. Research on the new low-cost laptop is being carried out at the Indian Institute of Science in Bangalore and the Indian Institute of Technology in Chennai. This measure will help raise the quality of higher education in India. As part of this new "National Mission in Education through ICT", the government is also working on developing a very low-cost and low-power-consuming access device. The government also plans to make available free bandwidth for education purposes to every Indian (not Native American). It plans to use this bandwidth to build a "knowledge network" between and within institutions of higher learning in the country. India's Internet penetration is currently very low. The country had 4.38 million broadband subscribers at the end of June for a population of over 1.13 billion…or roughly 0.4% of the population. Sure, this doesn't mean much to most of us here in the United States…but I just wanted to show what countries can do when they're not involved in a lot of expensive wars with their tax funds. Soon we will be able to decide whether we want two gallons of gas...or a laptop. Technology's amazing.

Depp as the Mad Hatter? - So Tim Burton is allegedly slated to direct a remake of "Alice in Wonderland" some time in the next few years. He's already named his Alice (Mia Wasikowska from HBO's "In Treatment") and now...in the most unsurprising casting call ever, Johnny Depp has been offered the role of the Mad Hatter. This would be the 7th time that Burton & Depp have worked together...and they're usually pretty good. The only problem apparently is that Depp is said to be teaming up with director Terry Gilliam to finally make "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote" - the troubled project the pair previously tried to work on in 2001 but it fell apart due to a variety of issues. My Prediction: Helena Bonham Carter will be the Queen of Hearts. Write it down...and wait for the news flash.

That'll do it for today. Still no word on Vegas...or finding that China journal. That's actually irking me more at this very moment...because I had control over it. You know how that is? Yeah, I'm sure ya do. Checked all the place where my other journals and travel stuff is...but damn my memory if I remember seeing it in the past three years. Anyway, have a great day!!! Remember to tell everybody out there how much you Love them.

Giving Blood - Part 6

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I simply can't believe that I forgot to mention something yesterday that is INSANELY awesome. I blame the Guinness. Regardless, I will be seeing THE Reverend Al Green's concert at Red Butte Gardens next month. I am so excited about it...and that's why I spent the money that I did...because the man is an American Legend...and one of the few artists I listen to that are still alive (as creepy as that sounds). That's why I spent...we'll just say more than $30 to see him. I've also never been to Red Butte Gardens (though lived next door to it for over a year) but I hear good things. SO excited about it. JL Clyde & I are going to have some fun there.

Yesterday, I watched one of my favorite movies as a kid, the "Rocketeer" with Bill Campbell, Alan Arkin, Timothy Dalton (worst Bond ever), and quite possibly the most perfect actress in the world, Jennifer Connelly. I mean...think about it. How can you improve on her? Everybody says that she's one of those classic Hollywood beauties...but she's also a great actress, humanitarian, philanthropist, picks incredible movie roles and always performs at her best, and never has a bad thing to say about ANYBODY. You never hear about her in any of the gossip magazines because she's always talking about boring stuff like recycling and global warming and stuff. Oh...and if you haven't seen this movie, it's about a test pilot (Campbell) who stumbles upon a jet pack and uses it to save the world from Nazis aided by an actor/spy (Dalton). The pilot also has a quirky engineer friend (Arkin) and a superhot actress girlfriend (Connelly) who goes out with the Nazi spy to create some jealousy or something. Anyway, it's Disney.

After the movie, I was thumbing through the On-Demand features and found some things about Comic Con (B wetted my appetite on his blog) and found an interview with Jennifer Connelly and Keanu about the upcoming "The Day the Earth Stood Still" remake. I loved how the director was asked if they were the first choices...and he was like "Oh yeah, Jennifer was #1 from the beginning. No doubt. Then...as we got to looking at things and the process of making the movie, we (the studio) decided that Keanu was the only choice to play Klaatu." Also, if you check out the interview, tell me if you think that A) Jennifer hasn't aged a day since "Rocketeer" in 1991; and B) Keanu's beard looks like pubes glued onto his face in hastily thrown patches. Can't wait for that movie to come out. Love the original.

For the afternoon, my brother & his family stopped by for a few hours. Though my niece Kelaudri & nephew Vinny slept most of the time, I still got to have some fun with Kairi...who was so excited to see me (and my pandas, Scooby Doos, and other simple delights) that she didn't nap the whole time...so got a little grouchy towards the end of the visit. She'll be the Terrible Two in October. She's so damn cute though...and likes her Uncle $teve. Oh, also...Vinny got to sleep in my bed...and he loved it. When he woke up, he was giggling and smiling like I had never seen him before. He's had such problems with his acid reflux and stuff like that since he was born...but it was so awesome to see him smiling...and laughing loudly...and just looking at me like "Thanks playa, this bed was awesome! I gotta get me one of these." The Magic of a Good Nap, ladies & gentlemen. I highly recommend that you experience it. I don't have any pictures of this visit unfortunately...but yeah, good times were had...and that's what's important. After they left, I watched "Bulletproof" with Damon Wayans & Adam Sandler, laughed a whole lot (though I've seen it a few dozen times), and slept like a baby.

This morning, I donated blood yet again. I woke up, had a good breakfast & a bottle of water, then went to the Red Cross. After I checked in, they gave me the materials to read (giving you the many reasons you shouldn't donate) and the lady who checked me in, I didn't hear the whole conversation, but once she started yelling stuff like, "She called me lazy. I can't believe that. I'm so outta here. Screw this place." then I just started to think, "I hope she's not the one sticking me." When I finished reading the stuff (for like the 6th time), she came over and apologized, "Sorry you had to hear that." "Oh, it's all good. It happens. No worries." and she walked out the doors.

Then I saw a familiar face, a former coworker from about two years ago was the lady verifying my information. "You look familiar?" "(Employer)?" "That's right. You're $teve." "Yup, Iliana, right?" While she went through the questions and pricked my finger and took my blood pressure, we caught up a little bit...and I told her about how work has changed in the past two years (she was glad she left) and how I'm trying to go to Vegas (unsuccessfully so far) and how she's liking her new job (not very much). Good times. I think we cheered eachother up though...and that's good. Still think the little quiz that they make you take...makes you realize how lame you are...but safe, I guess. "Have you injected yourself with anything not prescribed by your doctor?" "What? No!" "Have you ever been to Africa?" "Not yet." "Have you had sexual contact with anybody who has been to Africa?" "Mmm...brown sugar. (Sigh) No." "Have you had sexual contact within the last 12 months?" "That's none of your Goddamn business, computer. Are you trying to make me inject something into my arm? Do you want me to exchange money, goods, or services for sex? I would LOVE to spend a few months in countries outside the United States or Canada. Are you gonna pay for it? This interview is over." Word to the wise, don't argue with the computer out loud when there are nurses five feet away. They wonder about you.

For the actual sticking, it was a lady named Shawnee (like the tribe) who luckily knew a little something about needles...because she had some interesting piercings on her face. She didn't seem to be having a cheerful day...but it's really hard to tell early in the morning. Also, what is it with the eyebrow piercings? Are they really cool and I just think they're funny? Maybe I'm just not hip or something...but I keep wanting to say something like "Oh my God, is that staple holding your face on?" Out of concern of course, because I've been there...but then I realize it's those little ball things at the ends and it assume it's some fashion thing. Anyway, she was very efficient...and despite seeming a little disconnected, we made some small talk. "Seen any good movies lately?" "Just the Dark Knight...like everybody else." "Oh yeah, I haven't seen it yet...but everybody talks about it. I'm just not into comic book movies." "Well, as far as comic book movies go, this is one of the better ones...but yeah, if you don't like them and don't want to be a sheep, you may wanna check out something else. You could be original and watch something that nobody saw...like that Eddie Murphy movie, Meet Dave. Or Space Chimps. Monkeys on rocket ships are always interesting." I got a laugh out of her. Mission accomplished. So I gave my blood in five minutes and twelve seconds, had a few cans of Welch's White Grape Peach juice (so good...and sounds so sexy) and drove home without event. Didn't even get lightheaded this time. That's two in a row. Yay me!!! Did you know that every time you give blood, you can help MULTIPLE people?

Also, while drinking plenty of fluids and avoiding heavy lifting, I watched a nice little marathon on the Travel Channel about Asia...and China in particular...and it basically just makes me want to go back and experience it again...preferably with family & friends this time. There was a special about a Royal Carribean tour that I've been looking into (Vietnam, Hong Kong, Thailand, China, Japan, etc.) then Samantha Brown had hour-long special about Chengdu, Xian, Beijing, all of which I have been to...but would love to go back and experience again. It's an incredible experience. One of these days, I'll go through the five hours of video, thousands of pictures, and continue to search for my Lost Journal of China and try my best to convey all the stories, sights, wonders, legends, and just as much of the voyage as I can...but it may take a long while. I wish that I could just take you all with me next week (while the exchange rate's still pretty good) but until I get some job that pays me eight-digits a year, that's probably not going to happen...but you know me, I'm optimistic. I'll certainly keep you posted. Maybe tomorrow I can find some time between chores & work to get some stuff done with that. Anyway, let me know if you're interested in something like that.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Yeah, I know today was kind of boring...but maybe I'll find something more interesting to do...besides work...and long to go back to China. Maybe I'll just babble stories from memory...and in no particular order...like a Tarantino movie. You can piece them together when you read it for the fourth or fifth time. No? Not cool? Okay, well someday I may stumble upon my journal. Should've kept it in the same book as my real journal. Oh well, you live you learn. Have a great day everybody!!!

Research FINALLY Backs Me Up

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I went to the Huka Lounge to have a few drinks, hang out with Alisa and her brothers, and see her husband's band Slow Ride. Good times. I showed up a little earlier than they did...because it gets busy and I live a few blocks away so I had to snag a table before they were all gone. I was there for half an hour sipping on Guinness by myself...and let me tell ya, bars are boring and slightly uncomfortable by yourself. Moreso than a coffee shop. Anyway, after they showed up, it got much better and the music was great. A first happened to me yesterday. As I said, I was sipping pints on Guinness...and the other five at the table were having root beer. I believe it was the first time that I have ever been the Lush of the group...and I only had a few beers. Okay, so it wasn't bad...but it was a little different. We had some fun though...and that's what counts, right? Thanks for inviting me, Alisa!!!



When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong - A South Korean man won his appeal against a one-year jail term for assisting in a suicide by throwing a lighter to his gasoline-soaked rival in love. Okay, here's the story…because I know you're intrigued now. Last September, the former boyfriend had stopped the couple in their car after dousing himself in gasoline and threatened to kill himself is she did not get out. The new boyfriend then threw him a lighter (in an act of keepin' it real…and calling his bluff) saying, "Go ahead and kill yourself." He did it…and died from his burns. A Seoul appeal court reversed a lower court ruling, saying that the 30-year-old man had not believed the ex-lover of his girlfriend would actually set light to himself…because the original ruling said the ex-lover had given his own cigarettes and lighter to a friend so they would not get damaged by the petrol and had not left a will showed he had not planned to commit suicide. I guess the ex-lover that burned himself was either bat crackers crazy…or overly logical. "Well, this gasoline costs 10,000 Won per Liter. I'd hate to see it go to waste…and I don't want to be a liar…" See the kind of stuff that Buddhist monks are teaching our kids? Peace? Love? Contentment? Self-Combustion? They must be stopped…peacefully. (China, I'm lookin' at you…)



Oldest Jokes in History - No, we're not talking about John McCain jokes on the Daily Show or Bob Hope's standup material, we're talking about jokes that the ancient civilizations told one another. The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today. It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday. Here are some other treats...

• A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru (bless you), comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."



• The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."



• Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his mento attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: 'Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer, The Odyssey in 800 BC)



• Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him (First written in Egyptian hieroglyphics during the Ptolemaic Period of 304 BC - 30 BC)



• Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.' (Features in Saturnalia, by Ambrosius Theodosius Macrobius around 63 BC)



• Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: 'In silence.' (Collected in Philogelos, 4th-5th century AD)

See, through the millennia jokes have remained surprisingly the same...so why fight over who came up with the "Foodist Colony" joke first? The key is consistency. Nobody remembers you just because you say "You Might be a Redneck" or talking about dirty words on television over thirty years ago. They remember you because you're smarter than a 5th grader and a comic genius. Okay, maybe that's not exactly true...but they had great publicists too. The key is to make people laugh and feel good in the now...or if you chisel the joke onto a cave wall or side of a building, then you can claim to have invented it first (Gatsby, Anonymous, hint hint, first one to chisel it wins). Anyway, the study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed here.

Research FINALLY Backs Me Up - This was in an English magazine…so it has to be true. Ladies, you know that I've been saying for a long, long time that you think entirely too much about your figure and are overly critical on your appearance. Now, I have studies (or rather surveys) to back me up. According to a survey, men & women have very different ideas about the perfect female figure…and you may be surprised. While women yearn for the waspish waist of a size 8 model, men hanker for a curvy size 12 with hips. Oh yeah! That’s not all. It seems all that time spent staring at the mirror making mental checklists of everything you’d change is a waste of time. When they asked men what they would alter about their partner’s appearance, the majority said they were perfectly happy…and they wish their ladies loved their bodies as much as the men do. Besides, everybody knows that the muffin tops are delicious…and fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round. Click here or here for the results if you don't believe me…but just because I can, I'm going to salute some of the curvy vixens out there…and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me…because it's my blog. Love yourself ladies…because we already do.

You know, that's going to stop it...because I know a lot of you are reading this at work. So no Gemma Atkinson or anything like that. You're all beautiful, ladies. We just wish that you knew that. Anyway, have a great day!!! See ya tomorrow or something...