Now UC Keanu

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Tuesday night, Izzy & I were invited to a special screening of the new comedy “Keanu” starring Keegan-Michael Key & Jordan Peele… and they even came out to say hi & run a few minutes of stand-up showing their appreciation. It was pretty sweet! The movie is basically about a pair of cousins where one is a stereotypical suburban dad (Key) and the other is a bit of a stoner who just broke up with his girlfriend (Peele), but during the stoner’s sorrow he’s greeted at his front door by… Keanu! Keanu is an adorable kitten… and he falls instantly in love him. But then… somebody breaks into his apartment and steals Keanu… and now the two of them have to go into the seedy underworld of Los Angeles in order to get him back. That’s about all that I’ll reveal other than you’re going to see Will Forte, Anna Faris, Rob Huebel, Method Man, Nia Long, and a bunch of other actors in roles that you wouldn’t really expect… and it’s hilarious!!! This was kind of sold as a “John Wick” parody… and there are some great little slow motion action scenes (featuring an adorable cat in most) but yeah, just an overall great movie that I highly recommend that you check out… and we’ll be talking a little more about it on our next podcast, so tune in for details.

The other night, Izzy & I also watched a movie that neither of us had really heard of… and then we caught a preview for the sequel on another movie… and it’s 2013’s “Now You See Me” starring Jesse Eisenberg, Isla Fisher, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Morgan Freeman, Common, Melanie Laurent, Michael Caine & Mark Ruffalo. Quite the cast, right? HOW had we never heard of this? Let’s see… synopsis… the FBI tracks a team of magicians who rob banks during their performances & rewards their audiences with the money. That’s it. That’s the story. Bank robbing magicians. Anything else would be giving away spoilers I think but… no, honestly that’s really about it. I could specify that Woody’s character is a mentalist, Eisenberg’s is your standard narcissistic douche, Isla is the former assistant turned illusionist & the other Franco is basically a pick-pocket with some Krav Maga training… Morgan Freeman is a man who specializes in exposing magicians as frauds… but yeah, that’s really about it. Rings absolutely no bells… and I’d like to think that it would. Anyway, apparently it did pretty well in theatres so there’s a sequel (starring Harry Potter himself even!) but this movie was actually pretty good. Now… when I say good… I mean that it was entertaining. There’s a LOT of green screen & special effects… but it’s used pretty effectively to create a sense of movement & energy that this movie needed. There’s comedy… there’s some action… there’s all sorts of trick & double crosses & back-turns & plot holes and all that stuff… basically it’s this generation’s “Ocean’s 11” movie. It’s entertaining as all hell… just not going to win any awards. I’d definitely recommend checking it out. We’ll probably check out the sequel too when that comes out later this year (or next year when it’s on DVD).

 

Sunday night was the annual Meals on Wheels Gala at Fort Mason where Izzy & I volunteered to help with registration. Last year, the event raised over $2.6 million dollars for a great cause… and brings together hundreds of the wealthiest philanthropists from the Bay Area to enjoy some of the best food & greatest charity auctions out there. It was truly amazing… and an especially big thank you to Ivan & Gavin with Barrel Head Brewhouse for hooking us up with some pints of their Kellerbier Amber Lager & a delicious IPA with Nelson & Mosaic hops. Great people, great cause, and I think we may have broken the $3 million barrier this year so that those in need can have hot, fresh meals delivered over the next year.

 

The latest episode of the Everything I Learned From Movies Podcast is up & running featuring the spy romaction thriller “The Saint” starring Val Kilmer & Elisabeth Shue. Be sure to check it out at eilfm.podbean.com and next week… a very special treat… our first guest host superstar!!! What’s the movie? Subscribe to the podcast to find out… Who’s the guest? You’ll just have to follow us on the Social Mediums like Facebook, Twitter & the EILFM website. Until then, have a great day everybody!!!

In A World...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

So a week or so ago, I watched a movie & completely forgot to tell you about it… because I feel like I already did. The movie is called “Brick Mansions” and is probably most famous for being the final film of actor Paul Walker (“Fast & Furious” franchise, “Into The Blue” & a bunch of other stuff you forgot he was in like “Timeline”, “Eight Below”, “The Skulls”, “Joy Ride” & even the timeless classic “She’s All That”). The reason that I felt like I already reviewed this movie… was because I did. The movie is an almost exact remake of the “French” action movie from the mind of director Luc Besson “District B13”. Basically that movie that was a reason for parkour with explosions? You remember, right? There was even the sequel “B13: Ultimatum” that I think I was the only one in America that watched. The story is set in the not-too-distant future Detroit where due to… I guess Detroit being Detroit, they separate a really rough part of the city off behind giant containment walls… but somehow, a crime lord (THE RZA!!!) gets a hold of a few nuclear weapons… and it’s up to an undercover cop (Walker) & some random decent dude who happens to be a be a badass parkour enthusiast (David Belle from the original movies) to save the city… and of course the eye candy girlfriend Lola (Catalina Denis). Look… if you’re looking for plot… look elsewhere, but there’s plenty of jumping from roof-to-roof, using the existing environment to make getaways, implausibly bad shooters, explosions, all that jazz that you look for in an action movie when you just want to shut it off. The acting… eh… the important thing is that they’re pretty… and not completely horrible (well, some of them). All the staple characters are there… nothing really that interesting or distinctive… but kudos to the fight / stunt coordinator for putting it all together. You can also watch the two original movies… but then again, they don’t have Paul Walker. RIP homey…

 

Sunday night, Izzy & I watched a comedy on Netflix called “In A World…” written by, directed & starring Lake Bell (“Children’s Hospital”). It’s about a voice coach (Bell) who is the daughter of one of the most prolific movie trailer narrators in cinema history (Fred Melamed) but when he’s thinking about retiring the Golden Pipes… she wants to step into the limelight… but there’s some stiff competition from her father& his arrogant protégé (Ken Marino). Basically it’s a bit of a “coming of age” movie for a young lady who hadn’t done much… but now wants to be a pioneer for women in an industry that has never really had them. Is it “Norma Rae” with baritones? Not at all… but it’s pretty damn funny and there’s a great cast of comedians like Nick Offerman, Rob Corddry, Demetri Martin, Tig Notaro, even cameos from “real actors” like Jason O’Mara, Geena Davis, Cameron Diaz & Jeff Garlin. I’d say check it out… but you’ll see why it didn’t get a big release in theatres. It has that in-betweener tone of “Is it a rockus comedy? A statement against sexism in any industry? A stirring family emotional relationship pic?” but overall it’s a good 90 minutes with some great jokes… and you’ll be trying out your own movie announcer voice. Guaranteed.

  

Wednesday night, Izzy & I watched a flick that… oddly enough, was the last movie that my dad saw in movie theatres a few months back & he raved about… and of course I’m talking about “John Wick” starring Keanu Reeves and a pretty decent cast including Willem Dafoe, Ian McShane, Michael Nyqvist, Alfie Allen, Adrianne Palicki, Lance Reddick and a few cameos from John Leguizamo & Bridget Moynahan… and the director is primarily a stunt coordinator for movies like “The Matrix”, “300” and such making his debut (Chad Stahelski). The plot is about an ex-hitman John (Keanu) who has recently lost his wife (to Disney disease?) and is grieving… when he receives an odd package a few days later… apparently his wife sent a puppy-gram with a note saying that he would need somebody to love… and so she left him a beagle. Side note: If this is a real thing… then you should all of my enemies must fear getting animals if I pass in an untimely manner. It sounds horrible to me. Arrangements are being made. Anyway, after… maybe a day of having this puppy, he’s out filling up his ’69 Mustang at the gas station… when that prick from “Game of Thrones” (Alfie Allen) as a Russian stooge comes up and ask him how much for the car. It’s not for sale. Well, later that night, he breaks into John’s house… jumps him with the help of a few other goons… and basically steals the car & kills his puppy. There’s only one problem though… he’s John f**king Wick!!! The Ultimate Hitman (which apparently this son of a Russian arms dealer/druglord doesn’t know for some reason) and so then… (quick, deep breaths) RAMPAAAAAAGE!!! For the record, this is a total guy movie… and I f**king loved it simply on the premise when my dad told me about it. That being said… here’s the breakdown:

 

What I Liked:

·         The Premise – It’s awesome in its simplicity. This guy got out of the Hitman game, had a normal happy life… and then somebody took it from him (may be some transpositioning involved with the wife’s death & the puppy being so close, but the puppy was his wife’s last wish/gift for him), now it turns into a simple revenge film. He has nothing to live for… but to kill those you wronged him. I’m also totally down with the antihero with really no backstory other than “He’s John Wick!!! You don’t know? He’s like… the perfect killing machine. You’re all dead!” Just this legendary, seemingly impossibly proficient hitman… and you’re like “There’s no way anybody’s THAT good in real life… but then again… this is an action movie. Let’s watch!” I think I mentioned my infatuation with vague characters in the Buddy Revell issue last time… but yeah, Man wants Vengeance. Done.

 

·         Perfect Role for Keanu – Look, it has been said over & over again… if you need an emotionless character that’s decent looking & athletic, the role has to go to Keanu. Whether it’s the Matrix, Day the Earth Stood Still, whatever else… his best roles are when he’s basically a cold, calculating, systematic, robotic shell of a human being… and that’s basically this role. Yes, there are a few scenes where he kind of breaks down a little & gets furious… but for the most part, with this being a rampage/vengeance movie, 95% of his screen time is just him speaking monotonically & every movement is precise & exact.

 

·         The Continental – While he prepares for his vengeance, John Wick checks into a hotel called The Continental… which basically is like a Sanctuary for Hitmen. All of the biggest badasses stay there in an environment where the Code says that they can’t be attacked by others & their wishes and needs are met by an eager & understanding hotel staff. Need help cleaning up a dead body? “We’ll send housekeeping.” Grotto filled with hot chicks? “Any preferred ethnicity?” Somebody broke the rules? “We’ll take care of it sir.” Medical attention for a few bullet holes in your abdomen? “I’ll send the doctor to your room. Might I also recommend something for the pain? Whiskey perhaps?” Basically, I just LOVE the idea of this hotel… and frankly I almost thought this movie was based on a graphic novel or something a la Sin City since there’s SO much potential for other stories involving the other characters & hitmen in this one location. Sh*t, I’m curious how the guy at the front desk (Reddick) got to that position. I’m sure it wasn’t your typical interview process. He’s seen some sh*t before that gig.

 

·         The Action – Your attention is kept throughout the movie… between all of the fight scenes, even the stuff in between is to the point and keep you watching the screen. There’s no real lulls, which is always good. The fight scenes though… basically they’re greatly choreographed & it’s basically like watching a kung fu movie… but with guns instead of punches most of the time. By the way, the movie is rated R… so leave the kiddies away from this one.

 

What I Didn’t Like:

·         The Music – Now, one thing my dad loved about this movie was the music… and I didn’t particularly care for it. Some of it is really fitting and nice… but there was one song in particular that pops up a few times… great baseline & instrumental in general… but then there’s this super loud, repetitive droning called singing by Marilyn Manson (and I’m actually a bit of a fan) for lyrics like “We got guns (repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat) you better run (repeat, repeat, repeat) We’re killing strangers (repeat, repeat) so we don’t kill the ones that we love” and repeat that sequences a few more times. The lyrics have some meaning and all… and I get that… but it’s just very abrasive to the ears. Whatever, I’m sure the soundtrack sold millions and I’m just an old man…

 

·         Lack of Establishing Character Traits – “$teve, this is bullsh*t. You JUST SAID that you’re okay with characters without a real backstory or that are shown in the film!” Yes, I did. I’m going to sum up the first few minutes of this movie… well, the flashback portion, since the whole movie is basically a flashback, but that’s its own thing… you see John and he has sudden quick flashbacks (yes, within the flashback) of him & his wife… and you can tell that she’s dead because it’s dark & grim but the flashbacks are super bright & sunny for the most part. Anyway, it’s very quick… and basically you’re sitting there thinking like “…wait… was she shot in the head by a sniper? No? She just fell? Okay… oh… she’s dead… okay… wait… that’s it? We didn’t even get to see them share a real moment? Conversation? How do I know that John Wick is even a decent guy that I should be rooting for later on? He may be the world’s most cold-hearted killer & his basement may be full of teenage girls in chains. I don’t know… all I do know from the previews is that he’ll kill anybody for money. Period. Oh… and he’s facial hair Keanu.” Then there’s the puppy sent by courier… “Okay… weird film wish from… what I assume was a mentally unstable dead wife?” and then after… I think like 18 hours with this puppy… maybe a full day… regardless I don’t even think the puppy had its own bowl yet… how are we supposed to know that he developed any kind of real bond with the puppy? Because he let it sleep in the bed with him for about an hour before it was killed? Okay… it’s the wife’s present to him… I get that… but still, should I be rooting for this guy? Or is it just him grieving by deciding “Well… guess I’m going to take down the entire Russian Mafia by myself now. Best case I win… worst-case, I’m killed & don’t have to grieve anymore, reunited with my wife & all that jazz.” That angle of the movie really caught me weird… and I’m just NOW realizing the weird parable between that angle & my dad’s love for it shortly before his own death. I don’t know… it’s weird… and a little quirky… but maybe I’m just overthinking that part & should just keep it to “They stole his car… they killed his puppy… John Wick is Vengeance! Up’ns will come!!!” So yeah, not a huge thing… but just a little thing…

 

Overall: If you like action movies, go see it! It’s better than you probably think!

 

Thursday, I had the day off… you know, because reasons… so Izzy & I decided to FINALLY start up brewing another quick gallon batch of Cider using some fresh-squeezed apple juice that we got during our adventure to the Redlands when we visited her mom… and then of course added the other ingredients (about a third of a cup of brown sugar and a cinnamon stick) heated up to kill any possible contaminants… and then added the yeast once they were in two separate jugs. The reason for splitting them is because if we put the full gallon in ONE gallon jug… then there’s no room for yeast bubbling action to occur… and that’d be unfortunate. Besides… we now have FIVE single gallon jugs for our experiments with this recent Redlands jug purchase… so more experiments are surely on the way. Here are some pictures…

 

Speaking of pictures, some of Izzy’s Art is up for sale on her Etsy site (Untidy Venus)… they’re individually drawn originals, about two inches by three inches I think… and only five bucks a pop… and as you can see, they’re super f**king cute!!!

 

Starting tonight… SF BEEEEER WEEEEEEEEEK!!! That special week every year when the whole Bay Area gets Drunky McDrunkerton all over the place on special release craft beers & the like at nearly every single bar, every single day of the week (and another weekend). Izzy & I have a pretty full schedule too… but it’s on a fairly frugal dime… but more on that later. In the meantime, have a great weekend everybody & I’ll update you when I can!!! Please drink responsibly…

Make It Happen, Hollywood!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

This last week, Izzy & I watched “Manhunter” starring William Peterson (“CSI”), Brian Cox & Joan Allen among others. For those who aren’t familiar with this movie… it’s from 1986 and was basically the first “Hannibal Lechter” movie. Basically, this movie directed by Michael Mann (“Heat” & “Collateral”) came out… and basically bombed at the box office despite decent reviews. Then it wasn’t until 1991 when Joe Dante’s “Silence of the Lambs” came out & awards followed that Anthony Hopkin’s character Hannibal Lechter became a household name. Then, ten years later, Ridley Scott directed “Hannibal” which was basically the sequel… and then the next year Brett Ratner directed “Red Dragon” which is basically an almost word-for-word reboot of this movie “Manhunter.” Does everybody got that? Good… okay, so in this original telling… an FBI Specialist (Peterson) is called “out of retirement” to help find a serial killer known as “The Tooth Fairy” who is kidnapping & killing women seemingly at random. The killer is incredibly meticulous though… so in order to do find him… the specialist must ask a brilliant & legendary criminal that he put away for assistance… that man of course is Dr. Hannibal Lechter (Cox). From there, the search goes on… now, I’ve seen all four of these movies based on Thomas Harris’ characters… and I REALLY liked this movie. Especially given that it was in the mid-80’s before hard-hitting, suspenseful & intelligent cop dramas weren’t really all the rage (more blast & shoot-up kind of cop flicks) this movie really did a great job. Sure the lead character seemed a little… too lacking in emotion at times… but when it seems more to emphasize when he does show emotion. By the way, Brian Cox as Lechter… though only for like three scenes the whole movie… kinda remarkable. I just love Brian Cox in movies. Period. He’s really good… but will probably never win anything except a paycheck. Now, the movie is not without its flaws (like most movies involving blind people unfortunately) but overall, it’s a great, gritty little flick that if you enjoyed the three newer Hannibal movies, I’d definitely recommend that you check this out. You’ll see that despite the dialogue being almost word-for-word with “Red Dragon” at some spots… it’s a different interpretation. Check it out.

 

Another reboot from the 80’s is the new “Robocop” movie starring Gary Oldman & Samuel L. Jackson. Now… as you know… I’m a HUGE fan of the original Robocop (and to a lesser extent the ridiculous sequels) and director Paul Verhoeven in general. When I heard that they were doing a reboot… I was instantly excited… and then reality set in that it could very well suck. As the little tidbits like the costume design came out… that feeling only got worse. Gary Oldman’s going to be in it? Cool! Samuel L. Jackson? Michael Keaton? F**king BATMAN is going to be in this? ALRIGHT!!! Who the f**k is Joel Kinnaman? Answer: Still pending. Director is Jose Padilha? Never heard of him… what has he done? Oh he’s Brazilian… sigh… okay. Maybe he’s one of these Alfonso Cuaron or Guillermo del Toro guys who knows what he’s doing… I’m optimistic. Who’s playing Robocop’s partner Officer Lewis? Michael K. Williams? That’s a funny name for a chick. Anyway, that was before the movie was released… and then it came out… and then it went away… and then nobody ever spoke of it again. Not a good sign. Okay, now for the movie, it’s set like 10-15 years in the future I think… and basically robotic drones are policing areas in the Middle East… and there’s both a push & a pull to doing the same in the United States… replacing police officers with drones. However, the concerned half feel that drones lack the human emotion & decency required to be a police force (having never met most of those a-holes first-hand I assume). So to find a solution, the creator of the drones (Keaton) works with a renowned physician (Oldman) to create a hybrid cyborg. As luck would have it, a young policeman (Kinnaman) is recently blown the f**k up… so they have a fresh corpse to work with… and viola, you have RoboCop. The original from the 80’s was basically a Jesus-resurrection story ripe with subtle political commentary set to somewhat campy action & one-liners… and this remake was basically a full-fledged piece about using drones overseas. Plain & simple. There were a few lines from the original that carried over (though most were obviously forced in & out of place… and the best one was left out “Bitches leave…”) and the action scenes were kind of cool if not a little on the ridiculous side… I especially liked the training scene with legendary rock track “Hocus Pocus” by Focus playing in the background… but aside from that, the story just really wasn’t that good. The villain was… not very villainy. Red a.k.a. Kurtwood Smith in the original… was a villain. He had presence. I feel like too much was played on the human side of RoboCop and the whole “something else” that was interfering & overriding the controls over RoboCop… which I guess is supposed to be a soul or free will or something… but really it just ended up being a big confusing & unnecessary mess to the story. There were just a LOT of points where I had to stop thinking for the movie… so that the plot could move along… and that was frustrating. Also, I think Sam Jackson showed up for a day or two to yell out a few monologues in front of a green screen the same day he was doing some Capital One commercials… and that was another seven digits in the bank. Good for him… but as the legendary line from The Great Muppet Caper goes “It’s plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.” Anyway, check it out if you want… but I’d rather watch the original for the thousandth time…

 

 

So… a few months ago, I was primed & ready to see two movies on opening day - “The Protector 2” & “The Raid 2”. Both didn’t show here in the entire bay area except I think Raid 2 had one showing during a weekday in San Jose or some ridiculous stuff like that. Regardless, they were still on my Netflix queue… and the first to arrive was “The Raid 2” last week, written & directed by Gareth Evans… and starring a bunch of Indonesian martial artists that you’ve never heard of unless you know the Jakarta movie business pretty damn well. Now, the original “Raid: Redemption” follows an Indonesian cop named Rama with an elite SWAT team as they attempt to take down a drug lord in this heavily fortified 30-story building… and basically the entire movie is a video game with intense fighting & craziness for a little over two hours & there’s really no backstory or plot necessary. Did you see the “Dredd” remake earlier this year? It’s basically that but more exciting & a LOT better for a multitude of reasons. The sequel picks up after the original… sorta. Spoiler alert: They took out the drug lord in the original… but he was small fries… and now the big boys are after him. To protect his family, Rama has to go undercover & infiltrate the criminal underworld himself (don’t ask why?) to bring down the big boys. So that’s that… and the next 2.5 hours is a lot of gritty fight scenes with massive amounts of violence, gunplay, ligament tearing, betrayal, backstabbing, LITERAL backstabbing, facial reconstruction, and basically… they take this “video game” kind of movie out of the building and all over the rest of the city, complete with distinctive boss characters who… frankly probably have a more interesting backstory than any other character in this movie… but they don’t even scratch the surface on them. Probably makes them more menacing… but just an observation. Of course, I enjoyed this movie for the martial arts aspects… and seriously questioned a lot of the plot devices& elements… and I feel like it was at least 30 minutes too long… but hey, if you liked the first one, check out the second one. For a martial arts movie, it’s pretty good & interesting… but obviously if it’s not your thing then you’re probably not going to care for it. I heart Martial Arts movies.

 

How much do I heart them? I watched the directorial debut of Keanu Reeves “Man of Tai Chi” last week as well. That’s right. He directs now too. You know… it’s weird to think that Keanu’s career has gone from the laughable buffoon of “Babes in Toyland” & Ted “Theodore” Logan… to ridiculously quotable action star in “Point Break” & “Speed”… and then has made a career in being absolutely expressionless in ridiculously crazy circumstances for the past 20 years in movies like the “Matrix” trilogy, “Constantine”, “The Day The Earth Stood Still” remake and even really in “Sweet November”, “The Lake House” & “Hard Ball” if you wanna get technical. “Devil’s Advocate” was… sigh… and I even really liked “The Replacements” but… yeah, typically about the most acting you’ll really get out of him was when the three vampire chicks are sucking him dry in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” as he’s trying to scream at Gary Oldman’s hair before passing out / blood cumming. You all know the scene, don’t lie. Anyway, now he’s directing… and even plays the villain role in this movie about underground fighting rings… but it’s the usual Keanu performance of the past two decades. Cold. Emotionless. That intense look on his face… like he’s a robot trying to compute emotion. Seriously, if it came out next week that Keanu Reeves decided to retire in 1997 and since then the studios have been using a fairly advanced robot in his place, would anybody really be THAT surprised? It’d be like finding out Rihanna was a robot… or Drake likes LeBron… like… more than a friend. Anyway, back to this movie, Keanu is not the focus, it’s this guy named Tiger who has mastered the martial art of Tai Chi (wait, what?) and wants to unleash his power upon the world in the ring… but his master says it’s not a good idea. Well, evil mastermind Keanu steps in, forecloses on the temple, and now Tiger has to make some money, Keanu offers him money to fight in his worldwide semi-illegal online pay-per-view gambling conglomerate tournament or something… and Tiger is good… but he fears that there are ulterior motives… and his life may be in danger. If you like martial arts movies & making fun of Keanu, check it out. Otherwise, you’re not going to like it. It’s not particularly well crafted or anything.

 

In this Hollywood realm of reboots, prequels, sequels twenty years late, blatant rip-offs & such… I thought I’d share a few that I’d like to see in the near future…

 

Reboots/Prequels/Sequels that Need to Happen

 

·     Ghostbusters III – This may drop into the sequels 20 years late thing like “Dumb & Dumber To” and with the passing of Harold Ramis, there’s a real odd twist to it all but… then again, in walks Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the son of Egon (or maybe Louis & Janine… with a twist that they used Egon’s sperm?) and a few others with tutelage from the original cast… and boom, you’ve got a good start to a movie. “The script is tricky… and timing for all the actors… and blah blah blah…” please, you mean to tell me if there was a lot of money on the table it couldn’t happen? What has Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Rick Moranis… or even Annie Potts or Peter MacNicol really been up to the past few years? Of all those Bill Murray has been the busiest and… aside from a few Wes Anderson movies, the greatest cameo in history in “Zombieland”, “Monuments Men” and whatever “Passion Play” was… he’s probably got some free time if only for a small role. It can happen… and it should happen. Make it happen, Hollywood!

 

·     Escape From Cleveland – John Carpenter’s classic “Escape from New York” and even the sequel set in L.A. (a few years late?) were all well & good… but both movies referenced events that happened years earlier in Cleveland… and that’s basically the best way to start a Snake Pliskin reboot. Kurt Russell is not necessarily needed (though he has to be involved, right?) but you get a young Snake in there… boom, you have a new badass franchise you can then lead on to New York, L.A., Vegas, Paris, Mars, wherever. You’re welcome!!!

 

·     Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future – If you don’t know about this show (or the comics it’s based), then find out about it and you’ll join me. Okay, so 30 years ago, there was this obscure Canadian TV show that $teve fell in love with… and was immediately followed by his favorite game show at the time, Animal Crack-Ups. It’s a show set in the future… an evil overlord named Lord Dread (“I AM THE LAW!”), no not that one… but… hmm… Stallone could play the part… anyway, he controls everybody with a robot army… and there’s a human resistance led by Captain Jonathan Power and a collection of others with “super suits” that always seem to not work properly at the most inopportune times. 22 episodes of amazingness… and ends on a cliffhanger… and then never heard from again. The effects were state-of-the-art CGI by 1987 standards (so not really that good & they repeated a LOT) but overall, decent show… and can easily be rebooted nowadays since better graphics can be done on your average smartphone.

 

·     Masters of the Universe – From the same director as Captain Power, this little nugget of 80’s is the movie version of the He-Man cartoons… and it was okay. I rewatched it recently… and it still holds up as kitschy… but since the Conan reboot didn’t really work out as well, maybe we could get one of the Hemsworths in here as Dolph Lundgren 2.0 to play He-Man. Skeletor will be played by… THE ROCK!!! Okay, Dwayne Johnson’s probably busy… but it was played by Frank Langella in the 80’s so it could be played by a hologram & voiced by Vincent Price with today’s technology so we should make this happen. Just leave Gwildor out of this one… and maybe Courtney Cox too…

 

·     Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – I already have the opening few minutes courtesy of a dream…

 

·     The Last Boy Scout – Down-on-his-luck former secret service agent turned private investigator… down-on-his-luck football has-been with a girlfriend’s corpse shaped like early 20’s Halle Berry… criminal conspiracies that seem to go all the way to the top… of the owner’s box. BIG shootout of a finale during Monday Night Football (or whatever it was) that ends in a Irish jig… and then NOTHING??? I don’t know about you… but I’d kinda like to see Bruce Willis & Damon Wayans team up again for another bout of badassery & one-liners.

 

·     Serenity – Everybody’s not going to be young & amazing forever… since nobody is apparently going to commit to an entire TV series… you can at least have a few kick-ass movies following the adventures of the “Firefly” crew (by the way, not a rip-off of Outlaw Star at all) on fantastic voyages across the galaxies. Sure, Joss is out being Joss with Marvel right now but… it can still happen & I think it should. You can only watch the episodes & one movie so many times before you start watching the actors in other shows & thinking “When is Inara going to tell her terrorist husband that she’s been cheating on him with Mal?” or “When is Mal going to tell that detective chick about Inara?” or “Why the f**k can’t I see Kaylee in anything ever?”

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. I’m sure I’ve bored you enough… have a great day everybody!!! MAKE THIS HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD!!!