Bros Before Hoes

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So in a matter of moments, my brother & his friend J-Ron will be joining me in Tahoe for… God knows how long. Hopefully just a week or so… but yeah, we’ll see. Other than that, not a whole lot going on as far as plans… but hey, you know me. Spurt of the moment kind of guy… so we’ll probably have some fun this weekend as I show off my little spot in the Sierras. Anyway, here’s some news…

Alien Prequel - Did I mention that I rewatched "Alien 3" the other day? Far and away my least favorite of the Alien Quadrilogy, but I figured that I would give it another chance. It's still my least favorite. However, Ridley Scott is now firmly looking at his 3D "Alien" two-part prequel as his next project, the "Robin Hood" director telling UK paper The Independent that he expects the venture to take no prisoners. "The film will be really tough, really nasty. It's the dark side of the moon. We are talking about gods and engineers. Engineers of space. And were the aliens designed as a form of biological warfare? Or biology that would go in and clean up a planet?" says Scott. "Lost" co-creator Damon Lindoff is polishing the first prequel's script set three decades before the events in the 1979 original film. Scott takes a friendly jab at "Aliens" director James Cameron, seeing the success he had with the first sequel as a challenge he has to at least match with these films - "Jim's raised the bar and I've got to jump to it." Meanwhile, Digital Spy reports that actress Gemma Arterton ("Clash of the Titans") has indicated she'll meet with Scott about possibly starring in the planned prequels. Scott was apparently so impressed with her work in recent British thriller "The Disappearance of Alice Creed" that he wants to meet with her for the main female role. Arterton however has a busy schedule including Richard E. Grant's cowboy comedy "In With the Outlaws", and the Ruth Rendell novel adaptation "The Keys To The Street". Take no prisoners? Gods & engineers? A bar raised above the classic "Aliens"? Wow, best of luck, Mr. Scott. As a huge fan of the series, I truly hope that you achieve it.

Borat is The Queen – In possibly the most perfect casting call ever, "Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been signed up to star in a movie about flamboyant rock star Freddie Mercury, producers said Friday. Peter Morgan, who wrote "The Queen," is working on a screenplay about the frontman of the band Queen, who died of AIDS-related causes in 1991. The as-yet-untitled film will climax with Queen's barnstorming appearance at the 1985 Live Aid concert in London (spoiler alert?). The announcement was made by GK Films, which is producing with Robert De Niro's Tribeca Productions and Queen Films. Production is due to begin next year, and a director has yet to be chosen. Founded in 1971 by Mercury, guitarist Brian May, bassist John Deacon and drummer Roger Taylor, Queen scored hits with songs including "We Are the Champions," "We Will Rock You" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." May told the BBC that the band supports the project, and May and Taylor will oversee the music for the film. There was no word on whether Baron Cohen will try to imitate Mercury's grandiose singing style, but the comedian has appeared in several musicals, including Tim Burton's film version of "Sweeney Todd." He said the choice of Baron Cohen, creator of wannabe rapper Ali G, Kazakh journalist Borat and Austrian fashionista Bruno, "will probably be a shock to a lot of people, but he's been talking with us for a long time." "He's been in on this project since we started talking about it seriously with Peter Morgan a couple of years ago." May said. Baron Cohen's latest film is Martin Scorsese's "Hugo Cabret." Should make for a great biopic. If anybody can pull off Freddy Mercury, it’s Sacha. Anyway, now for something a little more manly…

Wu Tang Meets Maximus - There's this rumor going around that Russell Crowe ("Gladiator" & "American Gangster") has apparently joined the martial arts movie "The Man with the Iron Fist" for Universal Pictures reports E! Online. Speaking at the MTV Video Music Awards over the weekend, RZA says "I won't spoil it for you, but Russell's gonna be the baddest man alive. That man is in fighting shape. That man will knock you out." Wu Tang Clan's RZA makes his directorial debut on the $20 million project which he co-wrote with Eli Roth. Roth and Quentin Tarantino are producing. Shooting is rumored to be kicking off in December on location in Shanghai. Earlier this week though, Crowe posted a tweet saying "I'm not officially on RZA's gig. He's a good friend, inspirational guy, we will see what happens." Personally, I think that Maximus just needs to sign on the dotted line and be a badass before Ghostface, Raekwon the Chef, U-God and the ghost of ODB make a surprise visit and hold him over a balcony. Does he know that Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to f**k with? Maybe word hasn't spread down under just yet... but it will. Konichiwa, b**ches!!! (Yes, I know that's Japanese, not Chinese... and I don't care)

Trejo Update – Fresh off his recent starring role success, Danny Trejo ("Machete") and Erin Cummings ("Bitch Slap") are in negotiations to star in the $2.5 million indie biker thriller “Tarantula" for Two of a Kind Productions says Heat Vision. Cummings would play a woman who breaks away from a tight-knit biker gang to start a new life but finds that escape is not so easy. Trejo would play the self-styled leader of the gang looking for the woman as well as revenge for his brother's death (b**ch better run, cuz Machete Kills). John Kersey penned the script and is producing alongside his wife Jennifer and John Bailey. Oley Sassone (TV's “Xena: Warrior Princess," "She Spies") directs and shooting kicks off late November in Detroit. Eh, we’ll see if it’s any good. Low-budget indie biker thriller doesn’t have the same appeal unless Robert Rodriguez is attached to it or something instead of somebody who directed Xena.

Johnny English Sequel - So, remember when I first told you about the highly anticipated (at least to me) sequel to "Johnny English"? Well, the stakes have just been raised, because THE Gillian Anderson (Scully from "X-Files"), Dominic West ("300" & "The Wire"), Rosamund Pike ("Surrogates") and Daniel Kaluuya have all joined the cast of the upcoming comedy sequel "Johnny English Reborn" for Universal Pictures and Working Title Films says The Hollywood Reporter. Rowan Atkinson returns as bumbling secret agent Johnny English who tries to stop a plot by a group of international assassins hunting down the Chinese premier. Oliver Parker ("St Trinian's" & "Dorian Gray") directs from a script by Hamish McColl and William Davies. Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner produce and a three-month shoot kicks off this week in the U.K. and Hong Kong. Scully & Bean together, what could be more awesome?

The Ultimate Mob Flick? - Al Pacino ("Scarface" & "The Godfather") and Joe Pesci ("Casino" & "Goodfellas") are said to be circling the mob drama "I Heard You Paint Houses" which Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro have been working on together for Paramount Pictures reports Deadline. Scorsese is attached to direct and De Niro will play Frank "the Irishman" Sheeran, a mob assassin reputed to have carried out more than 25 murders. The title refers to mob slang for contract killings. Steve Zaillian will adapt author Charles Brandt's 2004 novel. The author befriended Sheeran shortly before the latter's death in 2003 and among the crimes Sheeran confessed to Brandt was the killing and dismemberment of Jimmy Hoffa (role reprised by Jack Nicholson?) on the orders of mob boss Russell Bufalino. Scorsese, De Niro and Jane Rosenthal will produce though this is one of several project he's linked to, the other most notable being an adaptation of Shusako Endo's novel "Silence". So there's potential that this could be a pretty intriguing project for the aging filmmakers (and honestly, what has Joe Pesci been up to since "8 Heads in a Duffel Bag"?) but of course, it's all speculation and conjecture right now. I'll tell you what isn't, that new series on HBO directed by Scorsese and having the fellow great Steve by the last name of Buscemi as a booze-peddling Atlantic City tycoon on "Boardwalk Empire". Too bad I don't get HBO... but hey, I'm sure I'll check it out here and there. If you watch it, let me know if it's worth it. Anyway, hitmen, Hoffa, all of the legends in one project. Keep an eye out on this one.

8 Heads in a Duffel Bag? – Don’t worry, it’s not a sequel, but something fairly more creepy. Greek police charged two U.S. tourists with desecrating the dead on Thursday after they found six human skulls in their hand luggage at Athens international airport, a police official said. Wait, there’s more. "The skulls were found in a scanner check during a stop-over in Athens on their way back to the United States," said a police official who requested anonymity. "The coroner confirmed they were human skulls." The two young tourists said they had bought the skulls in a souvenir shop on the island of Mykonos and believed they were fake, the official said, adding they had been released pending trial. Yup, apparently not every tourist trap thing you buy overseas is fake. Occasionally they like to throw in a curveball with skulls that were just lying around in a cemetery somewhere. Now these American tourists face Greek court… which if my memory of college classes is correct, will involve several of the Gods converging on Mount Olympus, then Zeus will hear their arguments, then their pleas for mercy, and probably sentence them to some kind of cruel, ironic & possibly torturous punishment. You know, something like… push a giant skull up a hill while regular skulls nip at their feet… or challenge Cyclops to a staring contest while sirens dance in the nude five feet to their right… or in a surprise twist, they realize that one of the souvenirs is their father’s skull & that hot chick they hooked up with at the hostel was actually their mom. GASP!!! Hey, don’t judge me. I’m just going off what I’ve read of Greek history.

Well, on that note, I think I’ll leave you be for another day. Getting extremely excited for events coming up in the next few weeks… but first things first, what to do while my brother’s in town. I think the air races are in Reno this weekend… so we’ll have to see what that entails. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Baby Got Back

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you can probably tell from yesterday, I had a great weekend back in Utah. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would've liked with everybody, but hey, that's how it goes. You just have to treasure every moment you're with them. My dad felt a little gypped, but he was the one working when I was in town... so we'll just have to make up for it when he flies down for the weekend for the 49ers game. GO EAGLES!!! By the way, saw something on ESPN this morning, and did you know that Michael Vick is the most disliked sports figure in the world? WHY? Did he diss his hometown in the worst way possible? No, LeBron was number 6 on the list. Did he f**k half of the porn industry while his hot Swedish wife raised his kids? No, Tiger was number two. Hell, TO & Ochocinco were #3 & #4 and they're just about as irritating as Jersey Shore. Did he drive drunk and kill a man? No, Dante Stallworth & Leonard Little weren't even mentioned on the list. Did he rape anybody? I don't know what happened when he was in prison for two years... but he's pretty quick, but that's not why he was there. Did he lie, cheat, steal, stab or even so much as get into a bar fight as it seems about once a week somebody in the NFL is doing? Nope. Did he so much as gamble? Well, okay he did kind of finance a dogfighting ring. What was his cardinal sin? He allegedly hurt a few puppies. Will Smith did that on "I Am Legend" and he's making $20 million a flick. So what's my point? No matter what you do in the public limelight... you can rape, murder, manslaughter, steal, whatever... but God help you if you are involved in anything to do with puppies in a negative manner. You will NEVER recover from that. Why? Because they're cute (or at least were before a few matches in the ring). Michael Vick could throw for 5000 yards and run for 2000 more, lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl, save four children and a nun from a burning orphanage, discover the cure to multiple sclerosis, settle the differences between Israel & Palestine, find Bin Ladin & strangle him like the runt of the pack... and he STILL would never be forgiven. He would still be known as that dude. It's kinda f**ked up if you ask me. Then again, you didn't... and you probably don't agree with me. That's cool. To each our own. I'm not saying that he should be the most liked athlete in all of sports, not by any means. What he did is still despicable...but he's served his time, so I've forgiven him. He may not even break the top ten least liked (and that was before he became an Eagle). I don't know, I'm rambling again. Moving on...

My brother is allegedly arriving tomorrow... and he's bringing his friend (who will pay for my food for the month and sleep on the floor and enjoy the favor). They want to go to amusement parks... and luckily, so do I. So one of these weekends, we may be doing a road trip down to San Jose for Great America and the Winchester House. Or there's Six Flag in Vallejo. Or there's Magic Island water park in Sparks. Then again, he has no money, so we may not be doing any of them, because I'm not paying. Period. Anyway, I'm trying to remain optimistic. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. There.

Splurging on a Dime – Nowadays, we’re having to get by with less income… but hey, we can learn from others on how to maximize happiness without reaching into our life savings. For example, a homeless man called 911 from the hot tub of a suburban Portland home and asked for three things – clean towels, hot chocolate and a hug. Instead, he was arrested for trespassing. Beaverton police say Mark Eskelsen called 911 from his cell phone (yes, he has a cell phone), identified himself as "the sheriff of Washington County," and asked for medical help. He later admitted he wasn't the sheriff but informed the dispatcher he'd been "yelling for about an hour and a half." The man said in his Sunday morning call that he'd been in the water about 10 hours and his towels had gotten wet (somehow). As he put it, "I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it." The Oregonian newspaper says arriving officers arrested Eskelsen for investigation of second-degree criminal trespass and improper use of 911. Best part of the story – A homeless man was in the hot tub ALL night with not so much as a wink in his direction, yet somebody who pays four digits in rent every month can’t be in a hot tub after 10 PM in Utah (and even then, it’s more of a lukewarm tub). Sorry, Mr. Eskelsen, times are tough… but there is hope. Hugs are just around the corner for you.

Lustful Court - Some residents of Lustful Court in a central Georgia community say they're tired of being kidded and want the street's sin-friendly name changed. Yes, seriously. Bibb County Commissioner Lonzy Edwards brought up a possible name change Tuesday after receiving complaints. Lustful Court resident Michelle Washington says the name sparks laughter and confusion when she tells people where she lives (really?). Yoshonda Patterson says she thinks the name gives people the wrong idea about the neighborhood on the east side of Macon (or does it? Bow chicka bow wow…). After listening to residents, commissioners decided they'll consider the change if neighbors start a petition. The street is in a subdivision and no one could recall where the name originated. My guess (and therefore truth in the folklore of $teve) is that some brilliant subdivision designer or civil engineer who didn’t graduate from the University of South Carolina (GO GAMECOCKS!!!) thought it’d be pretty sweet if at least one street in the great state of Georgia wasn’t named after a peach. However, being an engineer myself, I can see how he would think “If not a peach, then what? Mmm… I could eat a peach for hours… That sweet nectar dripping all over my hands and face as that fuzz tickles my nose and cheek, tongue maneuvering all around the pit, slurping up the juice, moaning in unbound pleasure…” anyway, long story short, after a heated court case eventually it becomes Lustful Court. Frankly, Yoshonda offends me more than Lustful Court… but I guess you can name your baby whatever you want. Freedom of speech and all that. When it comes to street names though, God help you if the street you live on contains the same letters as one of the seven deadly sins. By the way, please don’t tell anybody in Georgia about Cincinnati. “It’s an abomination! It has “sin” TWICE in the name. The Cincinnati Bengals? More like the Sin-Sin-atti DEVILS!!!” And this fantasy concludes with T.O. being crucified… so on second thought, please tell Lonzy and the others in Macon about Cincinnati. My suggestion for the new street name though – Bacon Lane. Why? Who wouldn’t want to tell people they live at 878 Bacon Lane, Macon Georgia? “If not bacon, then what? Mmm… I could eat strips of bacon for hours…”

Low Pants, No Chance - A Baton Rouge Metro Council member wants the parish to support a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show (that rhymed unintentionally). Councilwoman C. Denise Marcelle has a slogan for the campaign: "Low pants, no chance." "I hate to see it and I see so much of it in my district," Marcelle said. "It's disrespectful to the elderly, to young kids and to women." Her resolution, on the agenda for discussion Wednesday, says wearing saggy pants creates negative stereotypes and that "those who wear saggy pants are hurting their chances of becoming employable, educated and productive citizens." Marcelle said she'd like to pass a law allowing police to cite and fine people for wearing saggy pants that expose their underwear, but recognizes that constitutional issues prevent such a law (but that hasn’t stopped lawmakers recently). A public-awareness campaign is the next-best thing to try to get these young men to hitch up their pants, she said. Councilman Rodney "Smokie" Bourgeois and Councilwomen Donna Collins-Lewis and Ronnie Edwards say they support Mercelle's proposal. Then again, one of them answers to “Smokie”. What did “Smokie” have to say? "How are you going to get a job with your pants down around your knees?" Bourgeois asked (possibly adding later that they were looking like a fool with their pants on the ground). However, Councilman Scott Wilson questioned whether young people would pay any attention to the campaign, and said proper dress is something that should be dealt with at home, rather than by the council. The trend may be on its way out anyway, said Doze Y. Butler, professor of apparel, merchandising and textiles at Southern University. Fewer men wore saggy pants last semester on the Baton Rouge campus, she said. And, she noted, she saw a variant — "MC Hammer-type pants — on a study tour to Europe. They're baggy and have low crotches, but the waistlines are high enough to cover underwear, Butler said. "I think it's a trend that's finally moving on," she said. So we’ve heard from Doze, Smokie and a few other of the new generation of dwarves… but what do you think? Do we really need a Fashion Police? Or do the ladies need to just show off a little more cleavage to distract everybody away from some kids’ skid marks? I think you know where I stand.

Big Easy Update – New Orleans is about six weeks away for me… and I can’t wait. Especially after reading stories like this. Police in Louisiana say a woman stripped in the back seat of a cab, demanded the driver take her to her home state of Michigan and when he refused, stole his cab. Sounds intriguing, right? Well, let’s get the details. Covington Police Capt. Jack West told The Times-Picayune that the driver picked up 29-year-old Jennifer Gille of St. Clair Shores, Mich., about 1 a.m. Sunday (so drunk, right?). West says Gille refused to get out when they reached their destination, stripped and demanded the cabbie take her home (I probably would’ve heard that comment differently & would’ve “taken her home”). West said the driver went to a police station for help and when inside, Gille drove off. Police found the cab parked about a block away… and Gille was still naked (“Dear diary, jackpot!!!”). Police booked her on charges of unauthorized use of a movable vehicle and obscenity. She was released from jail late Tuesday on a $75 signature bond. No phone listing for her could be found in either state. What do I know about this story that the article won’t disclose? Jennifer Gille is hot. Probably SMOKIN’ hot. How do I know this? She stole a f**king cab… and was released on a $75 bond. Why? Because she was naked. No charges for grand theft auto, DUI, public indecency, etc. Only unauthorized use of a vehicle (the cabbie didn’t say she could drive… because she was drunk) and obscenity (probably said “F**k yeah” as drove off or something). Now… when I visit New Orleans in six weeks… and I steal a cab… while naked. I will bet you every penny that I will ever see in my lifetime, that I won’t be able to get out of it by pulling $75 out of nature’s pocket and saying “Thanks for getting me home safe & not driving me back to Utah. Go buy yourself something nice. Have you seen my pants?”

Dancing – By the way, not entirely sure why, but the role of the girl in that last story was played by Belle from my Mardi Gras trip last year, basically because I could see her doing something like that. Then I started thinking about us dancing during my visit and blowing her mind with my dance moves (by the way, I was totally drunk) and then I stumbled upon this article. Men hoping to impress women on the dance floor now have science to help them (finally, science can get me laid). A European study has found that men who move their necks and trunks (like my elephant trunk?) more to the beat are most likely to attract women. British and German researchers filmed 19 men, aged 18-35, with a 3-D camera system as they danced to a basic rhythm, and then mapped their movements onto featureless, white (racist?), gender-neutral humanoid characters, or avatars (no, not the blue cat-people things from that one movie). A group of 37 heterosexual women was asked to rate the dance moves of the avatars, which gave no indication of the men's attractiveness, to help identify the key movement areas of the bodies that decided if their dancing was "good" or "bad." "This is the first study to show objectively what differentiates a good dancer from a bad one. Men all over the world will be interested to know what moves they can throw to attract women," said psychologist Dr Nick Neave of Britain's Northumbria University in a statement. The study, which also involved German's University of Gottingen, found that eight movement variables made the difference between a "good" and a "bad" dancer. These were the size of movement of the neck, trunk, left shoulder and wrist, the variability of movement size of the neck, trunk and left wrist, and the speed of movement of the right knee (by the way, I just pictured Michael Jackson displaying all of these for your observation, then grabbing his crotch & squealing). The analysis was concentrated on three body regions: legs including the ankle, hip and knee, the arms with shoulder, elbow and wrist, and the central body with neck and trunk. The study found that female perceptions of good dance quality were influenced most greatly by large and varied movements involving the neck and trunk (of course, only a small percentage of us are blessed with an amazing trunk). The speed of the right knee movements were also important in signaling dance quality. A "good" dancer thus displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee," the researchers said in a report published in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters. Neave and fellow researcher Kristofor McCarty from Northumbria's School of Life Sciences said the study was the first to identify potential biomechanical differences between "good" and "bad" male dancers. Neave said he believed such dance movements may form honest signals of a man's reproductive quality, in terms of health, vigor or strength. He intends to continue research to grasp the implications, but studying dancing in a natural setting is hard as it then also brings in facial attractiveness, height, clothing and socio-economic status. "We now know which area of the body females are looking at when they are making a judgment about male dance attractiveness," he said. "If a man knows what the key moves are, he can get some training and improve his chances of attracting a female through his dance style." McCarty said it did seem that women appear to like and look for the same sort of moves. "From this, we predict that those observations have underlying traits associated with them but further research must be conducted to support such claims," he said. So… okay, is the scientific term for a torso what they’re calling the trunk? Okay, that’s what I thought. So… the key to wooing a woman with dance… is that they’re checking out my torso and my right knee? Thanks scientist. That’s the equivalent of saying that they’re checking out my abs and that veiny protrusion that I call a “trunk” going along my inner thigh to my right knee. Is that really a surprise? Guys do the same thing. We’re checking out the torso, starting with the breasts, down the backside, and a check along the inner thigh to the right knee, just in case we find a trunk. This is where short skirts are appreciated. What was my point? Oh I don’t think I had one again. Just dance, guys. Even if you suck, just have a little confidence in yourself. That’s what girls are gonna be more impressed with anyway… and don’t be afraid to shake your trunk… and do the Humpty Hump…

Humpty Hump Dino Update – Oh yes, my scientific article transitions are flawless. The weird world of dinosaurs has just gotten a tad more bizarre. Scientists found a nearly complete fossil of a new dinosaur that sports a noticeable hump, maybe as possible advertising. The hump on the dinosaur's back, which was at least 16 inches tall, may have been used to help this meat-eating theropod communicate among its own species, scientists theorize (aka pulled out of their ass). Discoverer Francisco Ortega of Spain named it Concavenator corcovatus which means "the hunchback hunter from Cuenca (Soon to be an erotic novel from Dr Love).” Ortega said the hump could have been used to store fat or regulate body temperature, but there is also the distinct possibility that it was used by concavenators to somehow differentiate themselves or communicate with each other. But with only one of these dinos, it's only speculation and is hard to figure out what the humps were meant to convey if they were tools of communication, he said. Paleontologist Paul Sereno at the University of Chicago, who wasn't part of the study, thinks the only conceivable explanation is "an advertising role" because it follows similar pointy fins on other dinosaurs. "It is an ornamental crest that helps to distinguish the individual," Sereno said in an e-mail. "Perhaps it was brightly colored, perhaps it would have been well maintained and large in strong, healthy individuals." If that's the case, the hump could easily have been spotted from afar, Ortega said. "It's really big," Ortega said Wednesday, while possibly rubbing his nipples. "It's very, very impressive." The 20-foot-long, two-footed dinosaur was from about 125 million years ago and was found in Spain, The discovery is reported in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature. It is the most complete skeleton of a meat-eater yet, scientists say. Sereno called it "a spectacular specimen, a very great discovery." This is the only fossil of its type, but Ortega said it's unlikely to be an individual deformity and more likely to be a new type of dinosaur. And the hump is not the only strange feature of concavenator. On its arms it has knobs that seem like proto-feathers, giving more evidence of the connection between early theropods and birds, Ortega said. Because of the lack of scales and likelihood of feathers, Sereno said he would put this creature "at the base of the theropod (meat-eating) branch of the dinosaur family tree." This story goes on to support my claim that… scientists really are just guessing when it comes to dinosaurs. Maybe the hump was used to regulate body temperature (like Dimitrodon). Maybe it was like a crest, used to show ones prowess and for mating selection. Maybe it was brightly colored. Maybe it was used to communicate between others in the species. Maybe it was used to store water for a long trek across the desert. Maybe it was the reptilian equivalent of a badonkadonk & they just unearthed the J-Lo of the Mesozoic Era. Maybe it would inflate and combined with the feathers allowed them to fly. Maybe it was used to tenderize their meat before they ate. Maybe it housed a second brain… and this one picked up radio signals from Pterodactyl satellites. Maybe the bones you found just didn’t fit together and instead of admitting it, you found a new species. Maybe this Quasimodo Rex doesn’t like you singling him (or her) out as a new species, just because he had horrible posture. The possibilities are endless. But hey, I wanted to show you an artist rendering of the new Beyonce-saurus.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Enough of my rambling for one evening. Tomorrow starts the visitation with my brother, so if you don't hear from me in a while... it's probably because we're either having LOTS of fun... or I'm in jail for his mysterious disappearance. Either way, have a great night everybody!!!

Machete Kills Again

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I’m back. Have actually been back since Monday night… but have been scrambling to catch up at work & home alike. My brother may be coming to start his loitering tomorrow… and with a new added twist, he’s invited his “friend” J-Ron. Wonder where he’s going to stay… because it’s not going to be at my apartment. I’ve already got a roommate… and one thing he’s got on both of them, he pays rent. At least it’s the off-season here now so they can get a good deal at a motel. Anyway, enough of that, FOOTBALL HAS BEGUN!!! But the Eagles lost and the quarterback & middle linebacker have concussions already… but watch out for Michael Vick to complete his comeback story with an MVP trophy this year. Sound crazy? Crazier than Arian Foster running for 250 and 3 TDs against the Colts? Yeah, you just watch.

Thursday morning, I awoke to snow on the ground. No joke. Just a little dusting… but being early September, it was enough for me to realize that winter is coming up quick. Don’t worry, by the time I got to Reno 45 minutes later, it was well into the sixties. Read an article on the airplane that made me want to learn Origami and Magic again… but by the time I finished turning a dollar bill into a bear, I landed back in Slick City. My dad picked me up at the airport, then I went to my old job to see how everybody was doing (and gloat about how awesome Tahoe is). The Mad Scientist even showed up to turn in his badge & gun (as so many of us have done after years of service) and he will be moving to Twin Falls, Idaho. Don’t cry for him though. He’ll be financially compensated & surrounded by college girls. He’ll be fine. The former Boss Ladies & I chatted for a while (poor creatures) and then I hung out with JL Clyde, Captain Monty & others for a bit. Then I returned to my dad’s so that we could watch a little football before I met up with JL Clyde for Simply Sushi… making her laugh the entire time… except for when I would make fun of H.P. Lovecraft or H.R. Huffenstuff or whatever that author’s name was. What did she expect? I can barely read & she told me about a story of a man who burned himself alive because his grandpa (played by Sean Connery in my mind) banged a gorilla. Oh sorry, spoiler alert.

Hmm, this place looks familiar...

Friday, I spent the morning (and early afternoon) watching TV & college football with my dad before my mom picked me up and we went to the family reunion in Delta. Mid-story twist that was thrown at me… the niece & nephew wouldn’t make it to the reunion because they were sick. Lame, right? Well, I went… and basically got good and drunk with my redneck family around the fireplace, froze my sack off in the camper trying to sleep & then left the next day with the Wingmans. Kind of a quick summation… so here are some pictures, which are allegedly worth approximately 1000 words each…

Yes, that's our firewood...and yes, it's toxic

How many kids can YOU fit on a golf cart?

A Redneck Choo-choo... and that IS me in the back

A smoke angel...

Saturday, I spent the morning hanging with the family, then while we were cooking breakfast, a silence fell over the family (which is an occasion when we’re together). I was in the camper when I heard a commotion outside the windows. “Who is that? Did somebody call the cops? Get the booze away from the kids! Hide the brownies!” and the like. That’s when I knew… the Wingmans had arrived in their Crown Victoria. “Love? I’m looking for a Doctor Love?” So I went out to greet them and their two oldest and we chit chatted for a while before heading to Slick City. Now, you may remember that we were going to attend the 1st Annual SLC Beer Festival. We got the tickets beforehand at a discounted rate of $25, but then found… that like EVERYTHING potentially good & fun in Utah, it’s horribly managed. By which I mean, it was from 1 PM to 6 PM. Period. Yes, a beer festival… that’s over before dinner. Take into account that we were driving across the state to attend, we got there around 5:15 PM… and it goes without saying… but we were basically beer bonging for a half hour on an empty stomach before they start closing up shop EARLY. That being said, some great beer on display… and more time would’ve been nice… but good times.

Number one sign you're back in Utah...

Two things I love - Graffiti & Boobs

After getting a good buzz on in record time, we strolled around downtown on our way to Buca di Beppo for dinner (we needed some good greasy food to help out Mrs Wingman… because she was keeping pace with the big boys). Our waiter was amazing… and pretty much because he was quitting in a few days (and we saw him at the festival minutes earlier), so we got a LOT of free food. Oh… and I finally met my twin brother Danny DeVito…

That's a lot of cinnamon... and tiramisu

"OMG!!! It's Danny Devito!!!"

After dinner, we hit up the hot tub at the Residence Inn, which shares a parking lot with my old apartment, so it was just like old times… with the hot tub closing at 10 PM for some reason… but it’s okay, because we had things to do at 10:15 and that was watch “Machete” starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey and Robert DeNiro. For those of you who haven’t seen the preview (multiple times on my blog), it’s about a former federale (Trejo) whose family was killed while trying to take down a Mexican druglord (Seagal, of course). He’s passing time in Texas as a day laborer, when a man (Fahey) gives him $150,000 to assassinate a Texas senator (DeNiro). He’s double crossed… and they soon realize, as the tagline indicates, they f**ked with the wrong Mexican. Along the way he meets up with (and f**ks) an INS agent (Alba), a revolution leader (Rodriguez) and an over privileged drug addict (former friend of the blog, Lindsay Lohan, in the role she was born to play). Oh… and her mom. “Where’s my wife & daughter? (Bow chicka bow wow…)” So yeah, basically it was a fantastic movie for what you expect. You’re not expecting DeNiro to win an Academy Award. You’re not expecting a provocative look on racism in America that will get this flick nominated for Best Picture (like “Crash”). You want to see supreme female nudity, decapitations, badassery, big guns, cheesy one liners, explosions, more nudity, and you most certainly get it. I highly recommend this movie. I will be purchasing it the DAY it comes out.

Side note: So… I’m thinking at least one of you out there have seen this movie already… and I just had a quick question. You know when you first see Machete as a day laborer… and he’s checking out Luz (Rodriguez). In the previous scene when his wife is killed in front of him… and Torrez (Seagal) asks him about his daughter being at school… but then it’s roll intro credits. Was I the only one that thought Luz was going to be Machete’s daughter (granted it was only 3 years later & Luz was in her twenties)? Yeah, I thought that up until the moment they f**ked. Don’t know why. Maybe I’m just crazy.

Sunday, we woke up, had some fantastic breakfast at the Residence Inn (seriously, biscuits & gravy with waffles, mmm…) and then headed across the street to the Greek Festival. There, we walked through the Orthodox Church & Museum (seriously had never checked it out though I lived across the street for 6 months) then enjoyed dancing & Greek food. Here are some pictures…

That is one pimpin' chalice...

Can you find the one that hasn't hit puberty yet?

"JESUS ANGRY!!!"

They wouldn't let me do this with the other chalice

After the festival, I borrowed my dad’s spare car and drove up to my mom’s house to spend some time with my brother, niece, nephew & my buddy Chris. For those of you who don’t remember, I have a restored 1969 Pontiac LeMans named Baby that I gave to my mom to store while my living situation was in flux (past two years). Well, instead of putting it in a garage like she said she would do, it’s been sitting outside… at the base of a ski resort for those two years. Nice, right? Well, Chris was determined to get her running, so we cleaned out the wasp nests (oh yes, this is no joke) and got her running (all she needed was a battery) and we drove it down the road and back… but no further because the tires are weather-rotted to all hell. Thanks mom. Love you. At least Baby has a place to stay until I get my life in order (or whatever). Anyway, here are some pictures…

I also got to spend some time hanging out with my niece & nephew… who missed me something terrible. We played outside while getting Baby running, I read them my favorite book as a kid (“Land of Sniggl-de-Bloop”) and gave them big hugs before they went to bed. The next morning, me, my mom & the kids went to have breakfast at Jutta’s German restaurant, which I guess opened up about 6 months ago there in Eden. Great food… and they speak German… and have a German Shepherd, which is all awesome. Afterwards we went to the park and rode the swings. My mom is also teaching my niece to call me “Stever Beaver” for some reason… but at least it’s cute when she says it. Good times. More pictures…

After that, I went back to Slick City to spend a few hours with my dad watching highlights from all the football that I missed before going to the airport and flying home. So yeah, that was the weekend in a nutshell. Pretty sweet… and everybody got a few hours of $teve time. Here’s the thing, if you want your uninterrupted $teve Time, you gotta come here to Tahoe. That’s just how it is. Back home, you and everybody else wants to hang with me… but if you visit me, then my boss is the only other one who wants anything to do with me… but I’ve got vacation saved up & I’m not afraid to use it. So keep that in mind when you’re planning your next vacation or need your $teve fix. So yeah, hundreds of work emails waiting for me when I got back… and already longing for my next vacation in four weeks when I got to San Fran for the Eagles game with my dad… and New Orleans a few weeks after. In the meantime though, at least my brother will be nearby to take up all my time in the most annoying fashion. Already miss all of you back in Utah. Have a great night everybody!!!