The Eclectic Eccentric 2: The Kwyjibo Chronicles

Happy Apartmentversary

2012-01-27T19:52:00.004-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend is shaping up to be pretty fun. Tomorrow morning, I’m heading to Vacaville with Nurse & some of her friends for some good ol’ fashioned paintball action. Bubbles & I are having brunch on Sunday, then I’ve got a basketball game in the early evening. In between, there’s always different activities that will pop up & I may even start prepping for the big Super Bowl party next weekend. Good times indeed. Oh also, my mom got her PSeye, so she, my brother & I had a nice little family chat over our PS3’s… and even the kids got to see us on the TV. This however caused a problem as it was right after they had been put to bed… but they heard their dad talking to somebody… found out it was us… and then they wanted to stay up, even after a few minutes. Kairi basically had a hissy fit screaming “I WANT TO GIVE THEM HUGS & KISSES, DADDY!” “Baby girl, they’re on the TV, you can’t give them hugs. For the last time, go to bed!” So after we blew her a few kisses, she basically ran up the stairs crying. I think she just hadn’t had a nap or something. She does that. Oh well, they do get to go to grandma’s this weekend too… so I may get to see them again when they’re not so cranky. Ah technology… if only we could hug & kiss it… and not make it feel creepy. Don’t worry, we’re working on it.

Also, today is my 1 year Apartmentversary!!! One year ago today I moved into this happenin’ four-bedroom unit… and I’m the only roommate from that day still here. Not sure what that means… but I’ll take it as they’ve moved on… and three lovely ladies moved in. HOLLA!!! Yet another reason for the big Super Bowl party next weekend!!!

Last night, Nurse & I watched “50/50” starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Seth Rogen. The story is about a man in his twenties (Gordon-Levitt) who is diagnosed with cancer and given a 50/50 chance of survival by his doctors… and of course, how he & his family and friends react to news of that magnitude. From what I understand, it’s based on one of Seth Rogen’s best friends who had a similar situation… and of course, making a comedy out of cancer is always tricky… but this movie actually does it pretty good. Seth Rogen plays the best friend who tries to help… while also occasionally using it to his advantage to hook up with chicks at bars as the compassionate caregiver. Angelica Huston plays the mother who is a bit over the top & smothering… but you realize that it’s her baby that has cancer. How would any mother react to that? It’s one of those movies that has it hilarious moments… but it also has points where I actually teared up quite a bit because it reminded me of my Wingman & when he had to go through chemo… and I wasn’t even around for most of the rough stuff. It was a few years back when I had just moved out to Denver & just had to hear about it from afar… and even that sucked balls. Oh well, I highly recommend this movie if you get the chance, just be prepared for a swinging of emotions.

After that, we watched “Real Steel” starring Hugh Jackman. Set in the near future (like 5-6 years from now), Charlie Kenton (Jackman) is a former boxer / deadbeat dad who fights Rock Em Sock Em Robots for a living… sorry, in the near future, instead of men boxing… they have robots do it because they can go all out… and somebody wins as opposed to all the rigged decisions, overly hyped BS (I’m looking at you Mayweather-Pacquaio) & lingering brain injuries that happen in today’s boxing. Okay, so he’s the… I guess trainer / mechanic for these robot boxers… but he’s lost a few fights & generally sucks at life. One day, he gets a call & his ex-girlfriend died… and kazaam, he still has an 11 year old son that he’s never seen cuz he ran away. The kid’s aunt wants to adopt him but the uncle wants to go to Tuscany for a month or so… and Charlie basically sells that month or so for $100,000 saying that he’ll babysit the kid while they go & he can reinvest that money into his robots. Well, the kid’s pretty cool & wants to build that father-son relationship… and the story goes from there. Basically it’s Rock Em Sock Em Robots… meets Rocky, the ultimate underdog boxing movie… with a whole father-son relationship thing that always gets me… sprinkle in the hot chick from “Lost” (Evangaline Lilly) and you’ve got a pretty decent movie. I recommend it. A LOT better than I expected… and here’s some news…

Presidential Grandkids… from JOHN TYLER!!! - This story sounds too impossible to be true… but allegedly, it is. Former U.S. President John Tyler was born in 1790, and he was the 10th president of the United States in 1841. Of course we all know that… and if not, how dare you call yourself an American? Anyway, believe it or not, he actually has TWO LIVING GRANDCHILDREN!!! For a little perspective consider this: When Tyler was born, George Washington was giving his State of the Union address. When Tyler became president, the civil war was still a good 20 years away! But how is this possible? Here's some math for you: Tyler had 15 children, and in 1853 he was 63 when his son Lyon Gardiner Tyler was born. Lyon had six children, with two of them, Harrison Ruffin Tyler and Lyon Gardiner Tyler Jr., born when he was in his 70s in 1924 and 1928 respectively. Both men, now in their 80s, still live in Virginia. If you think this is unlikely, you are not alone. On Twitter, people are calling this unbelievable and saying it boggles the mind. What’s most remarkable about this… is that not only there being fathers having children in their 70’s… but during times when the average expected life was in the low to mid 40’s… back to back generations… and if Harrison and Lyon jr (I’ll call him LJ) had children in their 70’s, it would be back to back to back (a veritable three-peat of golden year reproduction). Also… the odds that a situation like that involved a former U.S. President, where the chances of that are like one-in-a-billion to begin with. That’s the real math involved with this occurrence. We’re talking basically a one-in-a-trillion shot, maybe more. Those are some tight odds. I wouldn’t place a bet on it. Then again, I’ve got better ways to spend my money…

New Way to Make It Rain - By now, you're probably familiar with the term "flash mob"--strangers simultaneously performing choreographed routines in public places from out of nowhere. I personally did a Where’s Waldo Flashmob Bar Crawl this last Halloween, if you’ll remember. Well, now there's a new trend sweeping the nation - Cash Mob. Similar to flash mobs, cash mobs are organized online through social media, and happen in the same sudden, simultaneous fashion. However, cash mobs are designed to boost local business and they're popping up everywhere from Los Angeles to Norman, Oklahoma. Cleveland attorney Andrew Samtoy created the first cash mob in November, and there are now 36 around the country, with more expected to grow. Here's how it works: A bunch of customers flood a store at one time, grab a bunch of items, pay for them, and leave. Except for those last two steps, we used to call that a snatch & run in high school… er, people I heard about did that… in place near where I lived… by hearsay. Anyway, the cash mobs are not protesting big business chains such as Wal-Mart and Target. Instead their goal is to add a financial boost to the local economy. There's already a cash mob being planned in Brooklyn, N.Y., in a few weeks. Want to start your own cash mob? There are some rules to follow: The event must be announced one week in advance on Facebook or Twitter, the business has to be locally owned, and everyone has to spend at least $20. To find out if there's a cash mob near you, go to cashmob.wordpress.com. Sound like a good idea? I think so. Besides, if you have to get useless stuff, you might as well do it with friends… even if you may have to wait in line for a bit because there are a few dozen people rushing a ma & pa establishment… but you’ll get to meet people while waiting. Not horrible at all. Then people will be passing by & say, “What? What’s in that place that so damn amazing?” Boom! New potential customers. I like it.

Scooby Snacks – Okay, so picture this if you will… a four-year-old U.S. boy who announced to his teacher at school snack time that he wanted to share pulled nine bags of marijuana out of his jacket pocket, police said on Wednesday. Police in Meriden, Connecticut were called to Hanover Elementary School Tuesday afternoon after the young special needs student displayed the drugs, authorities said. Meriden police said the nine individually wrapped bags of marijuana appeared prepared for sale. Hanover Elementary School principal Miguel Cardona called it an "extremely unfortunate" and "isolated" incident that was not witnessed by any other students. "What's so disheartening is this is really an adult issue and problem and adult behavior put a student at risk," Meriden schools superintendent Mark Benigni told Reuters. "This student had no idea what he brought to school or what the substance was," he added. Hmm… the perfect cover… Authorities are not releasing the names of the student or parents and police said there is a possibility for arrests pending the outcome of the investigation. The Department of Children and Families is also looking into the incident. So what do you think? Did the kid get into the parents’ stash? Or did some guy on street hand him the packets and say “Be sure to share with all your friends at school” laughing as he walked away? Seriously… four years old. That’s like my nephew Vinny pulling a dime bag out of his pocket & saying “Wanna get high?” As my boy Kanye would say, “That sh*t cra…”

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hope you’re all having a great weekend by the time you read this stuff. First month of 2012 is almost gone already… do you still have your resolutions in place? Still no soda for me… and I’m working out occasionally… and as you heard from last entry, I’m kind of dating… sorta… maybe… at least getting out there & meeting people. So far so good. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Is Wayne Brody Gonna Have to Djokovic?

2012-01-25T22:55:00.007-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Funny how the other night I was talking about seeing all those memories in my photo collection… and then later on that night, I find out that my grandma was in the hospital having surgery. She’s okay now but yeah… my mom took it really hard & I didn’t even know until she called me sobbing a bit. Good times there, right? Important thing is that she’s alright & my mom is going to see her today. She may also get a PSeye too, but we shall see. No, literally, we will see… or not.

Last night, I met up with my roommate’s friend Dizzy. See, when I bought myself the Xmas present of a new TV last month, I put my old TV on craigslist to little to no fanfare. Well, she stopped by to say howdy, commented on the TV, and I basically just offered it to her on the spot. The thing was… I was going to be out of town the next week (Christmas in Utah) and then she was going back home to Sacramento for a bit (still haven’t seen my roommate since then but she’s having fun there) so this is when we finally met up for me to allegedly help her with the TV. Turns out she took care of the TV earlier in the day once she figured out how to get it out of the backseat (kind of a big honkin’ TV) and so she was repaying me with dinner. Nice, right? Yeah, pretty good ploy I thought too. So she took me to an East Bay classic called Nations, a pretty good burger joint. I highly recommend it. The bacon was excellently crispy.

So we started chatting and long story short, she ACTUALLY convinced me that visiting Detroit may be kind of cool. How you ask? Well, apparently the whole city isn’t as bad as people think (murder stats will do that) and most of the people even in the bad neighborhoods aren’t in gangs, they’re on welfare & too lazy to really do anything dangerous since everybody else that’s still left is their friend. Of course, cars get stolen & tires get robbed all the time, that’s just a given in former auto capital of the world… but she says basically everybody’s kind of laid back (when not on meth or crack) and downtown has a population of less than a thousand people right now… so you have these giant skyscrapers, opera houses, museum, all that kind of stuff just abandoned. So there’s opportunities to go exploring these massive structures… or possible urban spelunking… but with the vibe of a post-apocalyptic zombie movie come to life. She also confirmed that the RoboCop statue IS also in downtown though there was a lot of debate about whether it should still be there when she moved back to the Bay last year. There are also apparently some great museums with some of the best artwork in the world… because you know, it used to be a thriving metropolis with LOTS of money… and the museums are still owned by the Henry Ford family & used as more like storage facilities that make a few bucks than anything else. Do I plan on going immediately? Of course not… but I may have to do a Midwest Metropolis road trip sometime with Chicago, Cleveland & Detroit as the jewels. We shall see.

Anyway, after burgers we went to Elevation 66 Brewery across the street again and had a pint of vanilla stout while still chatting. We mentioned crazy stories & adventures that we had been on in the city, and some adventures that we have yet to do, and of course she’s already invited to the Super Bowl Party (my roommate & her are best friends from childhood), a horse racing track in Albany, museums that we haven’t checked yet, and oddly enough some crazy thing I found out about earlier that day they’re doing at the San Francisco Zoo during Valentine’s weekend called Woo at the Zoo. Get this. Basically an animal sex expert talks to couples about breeding habits while they have brunch or dinner… sounds like an experience. The list of amenities include: Yin Yang Yippee presentation (intriguing), brunch or dinner buffet for two, two free drinks (more at cost), zoo admission for the day… and a live animal encounter. My God, if there’s interspecies erotica, it’s going to be the shizznit. Oh yeah, 21 years of age & older only… they may say it’s because of the booze… but I’m thinking it’s more beastial than that. Anyway, we talked about stuff like that… so yeah, we’ll probably be hanging out a bit. She lives in El Cerrito across the bay which is about a 45-60 minute drive or about 90 minutes with bus & Bart (probably better during traffic) so we’ll see how it goes. Right now it’s friends… but yeah… you never know. Here’s some news…

National Tragedy in Beer – The King of Beers is making a few changes in the United Kingdom. The company that makes Budweiser, Beck's and Stella Artois brands of beer is lowering its alcohol content in order to save millions in taxes. AB InBev is lowering the alcohol content levels from 5% down to 4.8%. In a report by The Grocer, they say the reduction will only affect sales in the UK. AB InBev says they are making the change to save millions on production costs, which will allow them to avoid a 7.8% price increase that is being imposed by some other beer makers. "Our decision to bring Stella Artois, Budweiser and Beck's to the UK market at 4.8% abv during 2012 is in line with evolving UK category trends," an AB InBev spokeswoman told The Grocer. More from the Grocer: “Industry insiders said some retailers had rejected demands for price increases and producers were cutting abv to offset costs, retain price points and shore up profitability. Some of the major mults have denied price increases for three years, and the brewers' answer is to shift into smaller bottles and move from 5% to 4.8%," said one industry source. It has been estimated that cutting Stella Artois' abv by 0.2% would save AB InBev about £8.6 million (aka a sh*t ton) a year in duty, based on its off-trade sales alone [Nielsen 1 October 2011].” However, it would need to persuade big customers there was something in it for them too, said Tim Wilson, MD of market analysts Wilson Drinks Report, with money being invested back into the brand. The change in alcohol content comes after AB InBev raised prices last year. It was announced today that the company's president, Dave Peacock, would be resigning. Take it how you will… but it’s still better than Utah beer.

Greek Shame Game – Y’all keep up on the economic downfall of Greece, right? Well, here’s the next step in their craziness. A famous singer and a retired basketball star were on a list of 4,000 top tax dodgers released by the Greek government as part of a name-and-shame policy to get evaders to pay up. Tax evasion is endemic in Greece and its international lenders, the EU and the IMF, have insisted Athens improve tax collection if they are to continue bankrolling the debt-laden country. The list released late Sunday includes a host of convicted tax frauds and failed businessmen, a prominent singer, the husband of a former government minister as well as a retired basketball star who was recently released from a two-year jail term for illegally owning an arms cache (hey, kids gotta eat!). Athens has been threatening to publish the list for months and had to change privacy laws to follow through on the threat. It had been kept in a safe in parliament, where lawmakers were allowed to read it without taking notes (what?). Greek authorities have stepped up the prosecution of tax sinners since Lucas Papademos, a technocrat banker, was named prime minister in November with a mandate to push through budget cuts and economic reforms demanded by the country's lenders. Police have already detained a string of businessmen for tax arrears and most of them will face trial over the coming months. Lifting the veil of secrecy that has so far protected tax dodgers will convey a sense of justice to honest taxpayers squeezed by an unprecedented tax onslaught as part of EU/IMF-imposed austerity policies, analysts said. "It will also protect honest people from doing business with unreliable partners," said Dimitris Mardas, an economics professor at the University of Thessaloniki, Greece's second-biggest city, which was rocked by revelations last week that a top local tax official was part of an extortion racket (dun dun duuuuuh…). The 4,000 people featured in the list owed Greece about 15 billion Euros in total (reality check: that’s about four million Euros EACH), but publishing it may be largely symbolic. Much of that money cannot be recovered, Mardas said. "Many just can't pay -- some are even owed money by the government itself," he said. Topping the list with arrears of 952 million Euros is a convicted tax fraud who is already serving a 504-year prison sentence for issuing fake receipts to companies that wanted to lower their tax bill (oddly enough). Greece has about 60 billion Euros ($77.52 billion) in unpaid taxes, a figure equivalent to about a quarter of its economy, according to an EU report published in November. Just 8 billion Euros of that amount can be quickly recovered, the EU said, though even that is a sum big enough to cut the country's budget deficit by half. Well, that’s one way to do it. Put a little public pressure on people to pay their taxes… even if it’s the Top 1%. See? Greece has no problem with class warfare. What’s the big deal? This can ONLY have positive results, right? Ha! Good luck with collecting taxes… maybe you need to consult Sicily with how they settle debts. Coming soon… the Greeks start breaking thumbs.

South African Meteorologist – Ah to be a meteorologist. No, not somebody who studies meteors as the name would obviously imply… but a fancy term for weatherman (or woman). Seriously, if you were a meteorologist in San Diego, it’d have to be the easiest job EVER. “Today, sunny… high in the 80’s… wear sunblock… stay classy!” Done. You could have a stage name like Breezy Jones or Gale Weathers or Sam Maelstrom or something that sounds like some kind of nature-inspired stripper… but when your job is basically guessing what the weather’s going to be… it’s not that way everywhere. Weather forecasts are often unreliable but would you send your local weather forecaster to jail for 10 years? A newly proposed law in South Africa would punish unauthorized weather forecasts with jail time and fines, according to the Mother Nature Network. The law would require state-sanctioning for any weather forecasts issues outside of the government's South African Weather Service (SAWS). More from MNN: As written, the South African Weather Service Amendment Bill would affect not just TV weathermen and online weather sites but also community-based weather services. First offenses would be punished with a fine or up to 5 million rand (about $630,000) or five years in jail. The fines and jail time would be doubled for subsequent offenses. Previously, it was inaccurately reported by several news outlets that meteorologists would be punished for issuing inaccurate forecasts. The proposed law, if put into effect, would affect weather outlets including the SA Weather and Disaster Observation Service (SAWDOS), which relies on weather reports submitted by the public. SAWDOS was recently credited with issuing timely warnings for three storms that may have helped to mitigate property losses and damage. "As the amendment bill now reads, nobody will be able to issue any warning of approaching severe weather," SAWDOS founder Johan said in an interview with the Daily News. "Experience has taught us that to get permission from any institution takes time — that is if you can get hold of the designated person." Yes, bureaucracy may affect your guesstimation of weather patterns in South Africa now. I’m curious how news station will do it on state-sanctioned holidays like Martin Luther King day. WHAT? THEY DON’T HAVE MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY IN SOUTH AFRICA??? APARTHEID IS ALIVE!!! FREE SOUTH AFRICA, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!!! On that note… I present to you… the latest movie list to grace us here between MLK Day & Black History Month…

Denzel Washington Movie List

Medal Winners

Gold – Training Day (2001) – Come on now, it won him the Academy Award! The “true” story about an LAPD detective (Washington) breaking in his new partner (Ethan Hawke) and finding out there’s a lot more going on here than meets the eye. A lot of grey area to say the least. Throw in some cameos by Dr Dre, Scott Glenn, Tom Berenger, Snoop Dogg, Macy Gray, and (mmm…) introducing Ms. Eva Mendes’ fine ass to the world… yeah, this movie deserves gold for that beautifully bronzed backside. You’ve all seen it, right? Director Antoine Fuqua is still looking to top it too… but next year he’s allegedly doing the Pablo Escobar flick… so keep your eyes & ears open. It could be the sh*t.

Silver – Malcolm X (1992) – The teaming of director Spike Lee & Denzel have brought about some great movies, but probably none better than this biopic of the Black Nationalists leader Malcolm X (not Roman numeral 10). From his beginnings as your average black man in the 50’s, then prison where he converted to Islam & helped lead a revolution, it’s gritty & powerful… as most Spike Lee Movies are. I will warn you… I remember it being a little over three hours… but what can I say? When you’ve lived a life with meaning, you’re biopic is going to run a little long whether you’re Malcolm X, Gandhi, Ben Hur or whoever. We should all hope to have a three hour-plus movie made about us… or better yet, a mini-series.

Bronze – He Got Game (1998) – I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t put this Spike Lee joint higher… as it’s basically the story of my LIFE!!! Okay, maybe not so much… but still, the movie was basically made for me. There’s a Coney Island high school basketball playing phenom Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen) who is weighing his decisions on where to go to college… or to just go pro. Well, the governor has released his father Jake (Denzel) from prison on a parole of sorts… to convince his son to go to his alum, Big State. If he succeeds, then maybe the governor pardons him a little early for the convicted murder or his wife (Jesus’ mom). If not, then he might spend the rest of his life in prison. Throw in some cameos from Rosario Dawson, Ned Beatty, Jim Brown, John Turturro, a slough of basketball stars & my baby mama Milla Jovovich as a prostitute… and you’ve got a classic. Some other great movies that didn’t make my top 3 are “American Gangster” (2007) with him & Russell Crowe in another biopic, a surprisingly good Spike Lee bank robbing joint “Inside Man” (2006) & even the New Orleans-based Tony Scott action flick “Déjà Vu” (2006) gets a shout-out. Watch ‘em all.

Suggestion – Virtuosity (1995) – I’m surprised with how many people know about this movie, but it’s a mid-90’s futuristic movie bringing together two guys who five years later would be consecutive Best Actor award winners (Denzel & Russell Crowe). A former cop-turned-convicted murderer (Denzel) is brought back onto the force to save the city & perhaps the world from the ultimate serial killer / mass murderer program… downloaded into a self-regenerating body named Sid 6.7 (Crowe). Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that it sounds REAL cheesy… but it’s actually a pretty good flick. Check it out… then judge me. I’m also a big fan of “The Bone Collector” (1997) but that’s mostly because of the interesting premise of a bedridden detective… and I get to look at Angelina Jolie for most of the movie. NOW judge me.

Flush It – The Hurricane (1999) – Okay, I have to explain this Flush It. Denzel has just been in so many good movies that really none of them have sucked. I’ll throw that out right now. This one gets the flush more for the experience when I watched it. I was in high school & we went to the “dollar theatre” (back when it was really only $2.50) and the movies there always were what you paid for. I remember watching “Sleepy Hollow” there & they didn’t realize that the movie was upside down & out of focus for about ten minutes. This one… I don’t know if they forgot to put the letterbox borders on or something… but you could see the microphones throughout most of the movie. Every time that Denzel would be giving a moving monologue about his character’s past (another biopic) I would be more concerned for him standing up too quickly and hitting his head on the mic. So with that, it was hard to concentrate… but hey, it was still a pretty good drama.

Future Watch – Safe House (2012) – I’m a huge fan of Denzel being a badass… so with him being a criminal mastermind or whatever, going against Ryan Reynolds… I’m all for it. I don’t even care what the premise is… kind of like when I was excited for “Book of Eli” because I knew it was post-Apocalyptic Denzel with a machete going against Gary Oldman… and then they threw in the religion thing. My bad, it was kind of in the name… but still. This too could be a pretty good flick… but we will see. As for future fantasy projects… what I’d really like to see… is Denzel doing a comedy. Is it just me? He obviously doesn’t have to lead it or anything… but something like how Robert DeNiro does comedies like “Analyse This” & “Meet the Parents.” He can let his intensity & deadpan delivery be his angle. I’m just saying… make it happen, Hollywood!

Well, that will do it for tonight. Good times in the life of $teve… only five weeks until Disneyland with the family so I’m really excited about that. Again, you say the pictures last time (if not, pan down) so I’m looking forward to dressing those kids in ridiculous stuff and having blackmail material for decades to come. Have a great day everybody!!!

Nobody Pays Me in Gum

2012-01-23T21:38:00.007-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was a’ight. First & foremost, Bubbles had a great weekend in Tahoe & she and Gretchen are back home safe & sound. It was basically a blizzard but still a great time. It rained here in San Francisco for the majority of the weekend with only a few glimpses of sunshine to remind you what you were missing. Football games were pretty damn good. Unfortunately, Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff & 49ers punt returner Kyle Williams can probably never show their faces in public again… but hey, sh*t happens. By the way, they’ll probably soon be FORMER Ravens kicker & 49ers punt returner before the end of the week. So yeah, four years later, it’s Patriots & Giants in the Super Bowl again. I’m sure it’ll be a great game… and the roommates & I are going to host a nice little party for the Game… so yeah, we’ll make the most of it.

Also this weekend, I got my new laptop and transferred over most of my pictures & music to it… as well as my PS3. The best thing about doing that… is it gave me an excuse to go through the pictures a little bit. A lot of them you’ve probably seen on this blog over the past almost five years now that I’ve been doing this. However, some of them I hadn’t even seen in a long time. I went through some of the pictures of me & my brother as a kid… and saw a few with my grandparents & great-grandparents that passed away. Pictures of my mom & dad in their 20’s with two kids. Also, I’m just going to say it… I don’t know if it was the fashion back in the day… but I was in some pretty ridiculous clothes as a kid. Mom, I blame you. Also, ever wonder what I might look like with a creepy ass moustache & aviator sunglasses? Well, all you have to do is look at old pictures of my dad. I think I found my Halloween outfit next year. Here are a few treats on that front…

Me & my baby bro

The family...

I wasn't joking about my dad, right?

Uncle Chuck, Grandma Love, my bro & me

Rockin' the powder blue suit & Dorothy Hamill hair

This one I... I just don't know what to say...

Only five weeks to Disneyland...

and note that I'm 6 & already as tall as Donald Duck

Then there were the awkward teen years… so gangly… total Coke bottle bottom glasses… we’ll just skip over those. Then the early traveling years of my early 20’s… so gangly… total Coke bottle bottom glasses… but I was seeing the world, so hella happy in all the pictures… and yeah, I was for the most part outside of the photo frames too. After that was my trip to China & Lasik surgery, so then the pictures become a LOT more of my friends & I hanging out… and a lot better quality thanks to my new camera back when I started this thing… and then a lot of Kairi & Vinny as little babies & watching how they’ve grown over the past few years (and a little sad that I haven’t seen Kelaudri in a few years, but I’m sure she’s doing good). A few of the past apartments like my sh*t shack in Murray, the 34th floor penthouse in Denver, downtown in SLC, the Tahoe habitat, etc. Just kind of going through the memories. Yeah, pretty cool. I enjoyed it. I suggest you guys do the same… but beware, your heart strings might be tugged at a little bit. Anyway, enough of that… here’s some news…

PIS3 – I’ve been saying it for years that the best way to make a guy improve his aim in the bathroom is to give him an incentive. A few years ago, I got some viral email where they put a fake fly sticker on a porcelain urinal & it apparently helped guys to focus their effort… as opposed to just letting it fly or something, like I guess some guys do. Now, the next step. Three years ago the "Toylet" was just a pipe-dream for developers at Japanese video game maker Sega, but now the urinal video game has been rolled out at pubs across the nation. Users target their urine at a sensor inside the toilet which measures volume and speed, with software then matching that to progress in a selection of five video games in a console mounted at the top of the urinal. "At first, we thought it would really be only young people who would like this kind of game. But ... we're seeing this phenomenon where people are enjoying playing with it, regardless of age," said Hirotaka Machida, the console's lead producer. At 150,000 yen (about $1600) for a single unit, Machida said the original plan had been to avoid the mass market, but tests in pubs and restaurants showed it had broad appeal. An infra-red device cuts off play if gamers stray too far from the urinal, reducing the amount of mess, according to Sega, making it a hit with pub managers as well. Toilet humor and raunchy gags are a staple of far from high-brow variety shows in Japan where Toylets were rolled out on general release. Sega now has its sights on a global expansion plan later in the year. So speak to your local bartender… and get them on this tip. Sega is making a comeback yall… and it’s in the bathroom. Sonic the Hedgehog won’t know what hit him…

Apocalypse Update – An Australian family's dog is being called a hero after it rescued two young girls from a snake attack. 18-month-old River spotted a two-foot-long brown snake hiding under a children's swing just as 7-year-old Michelle Lynch and 2-year-old Kaylee were headed its way. The brown snake is considered the second-most deadly land snake, whose venom is strong enough to easily kill an adult human. "Michelle loves River, and River loves Michelle. Kaylee thinks that River is a fantastic toy," said Ben Lynch. The snake reared its head at the two girls, ready to attack, when River jumped to their defense. "River came bursting out and jumped on the snake," Michelle Lynch said of her rescuer. Unfortunately, River was bitten in the attack and began to suffer from paralysis a few hours later. The Lynch family took River to the vet, where he is receiving anti-venom and is expected to make a full recovery. "They're a pack animal and we're their pack so it's definitely their instinct to get in there, especially when kids are involved," said Catherine Lynch. "She's a very sweet, friendly dog. She's very much part of our family." Good boy, River! Good boy! May you have a speedy recovery. I know you are all skeptical out there of my serpent apocalypse… but now you’re starting to see that it makes sense, right? They’re attacking our youth! “Oh $teve, it’s just an isolated incident. They’re not trying to take out our offspring. I don’t care how many times you’ve mentioned these isolated incidences.” Oh really? This time the dog came to the rescue… let’s look at another isolated incident where they don’t have domesticated canines to protect them…

A-Crocalypse Update: Sh*t is Real!!! - A wild crocodile swallowed a 10-year-old girl while she played in a river (hmm, wasn’t that the dog’s name from the last story?) with her father in eastern Indonesia, the second death in the same place in two months, a local official said Friday. The girl was swimming in Wailolong river on Thursday when the large crocodile suddenly appeared, swallowed her instantly and disappeared into the water, said Viktor Mado Waton, Lembata district head in East Nusa Tenggara province. "They only found the girl's clothes three hours after the incident, some 200 meters away from the attack site," he said, adding that her family members were still trying to find the body. "Her father saw this shocking scene as he was only five meters away in the water." He said the father and the girl's teenage brother were hunting turtles in the river while she was playing. A 12-year-old boy was killed and eaten by a crocodile in the same river in early December when he was playing with his friends. The district head said he has warned locals of the danger and he will work with police to shut the area off to prevent another incident. A truly tragic story… but in an environment where numbers are high & food supply is scarce, animals will get VERY aggressive in order to survive. That’s scientific fact. Say what you will about my conspiracy theories of reptiles forming an evil legion of Doom or something… but I’m just saying that it’s a real issue. My condolences to the little girl’s family. Be safe out there!

Anyway, how’s that for some uplifting news? Tune in next time when I talk about crazy things going on in other countries… and perhaps even a brand new movie list. What? Can it be so? Absolutely! Courtesy of C-Real who started up the idea… thanks for joining the ever expanding universe of the Eclectic Eccentric. Have a great day everybody!!!

I Can See It In Your Eyes

2012-01-20T20:00:00.008-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it has started raining… and apparently won’t stop through the weekend so that’s cool. We need the water & the mountains need the snow. Freaky stuff up in Washington state apparently with snow double what their previous record was. That’s crazy! Still nothing compared to the other places I’ve lived but they’re not prepared for it… so be safe out there Washingtonians. Aside from that, I’ll enjoy the rainy weather by watching some football divisional championships on Sunday, maybe do some cleaning & cooking, and on Saturday I may be delivering my old TV to my roommate’s friend in El Cerrito. She’s promised me food for my troubles… so how can I say no to that? Also, I convinced my mom to get a PSeye so that we can chat over the PS3… which means that I’ll get to see my niece & nephew (or rather a grainy representation of them) and that’s pretty cool. Technology nowadays is pretty amazing… and only getting more so every day.

Gretchen is going on a trip to Tahoe this weekend. No, I won’t be going with her. Allow me to explain. Y’all know Bubbles, right? One of my best friends for many years now? Well, this time of year is a rough patch for her… as well as she’s had a rough few months recently… and she has a surgery coming up pretty quick… so she could use a vacation. Her family’s in town (brother’s birthday) and they were looking to go to Lake Tahoe for a little ski & spa weekend… but since the NFC Championship is going to be here, rental cars are RIDICULOUSLY priced. She’s a little strapped for cash… so she was going to call the whole thing off… and she really needs it. So… being the ultimate badass that I am… I offered Gretchen’s services… for several reasons:

1) She really needed this vacation & I didn’t want her to have to give up a spa weekend in Tahoe
2) I’d rather have her in a safe Jeep fully loaded, prepared & experienced for Tahoe weather since it’ll probably be snowing all weekend, than in a broken down rental car anyway
3) It saves her enough money to really enjoy herself & I know she’ll be paying for her family too
4) I wasn’t planning on going anywhere this weekend anyway except maybe to El Cerrito to help with the TV, but I can take a bus there & it only takes an extra 15 minutes or so each way & I don’t have to drive
5) I can trust her & I know she’s good for it
6) Karma comes back around
7) Did I mention that I’m the ultimate badass? Cuz I feel like that’s pretty important when I’m entrusting my most financially valuable possession to a friend.

I’m sure she’ll have a great time up in Tahoe & say hello to some of my peeps who may remember her from the Anniversary Party last December. Meanwhile I’ll be chillaxing, resting up my knee that’s still a little sore from basketball last weekend (and walking 2-3 miles a day on slick uneven terrain doesn’t help much), do another good deed by donating my old TV to someone in need across the bay, maybe enjoy a museum or something along the way back through downtown, watching some great football games & hopefully play a basketball game Sunday night. Also, maybe get to see my mom, niece & nephew via PS3. Sounds like a pretty great weekend to me… though I’ll admit, Tahoe may be more fun. Oh well… next time.

Also, pretty big news on the engagement front. No, not for me… at least directly. Remember in November when we went to Vegas for Jackie D’s 25th birthday extravaganza? Well, the couple that we went with… are now engaged. Congratulations to them first & foremost… but there’s more. They live in Philadelphia… but want to get married… in Vegas. Not only that… but they want to get married in Vegas… in the Cosmopolitan hotel that we were staying at… in one of the bars… on Doomsday, December 21st, 2012. Granted this is if the snakes haven’t completely taken over by then (more on that later) but… I can’t help but feel pretty much responsible for this. Like… a LOT. According to Jackie D, I was even mentioned by name ($tev-OOOOH!!!) when she was told about it. So what does that mean? Well, I’m more than likely going to be invited to the wedding… and I may even have to make a speech (excuse me, SPREECH!!!) during the ceremony at some point. The only concern… is that Friday, December 21st date means that I might have to make a combination Las Vegas / Christmas in Utah trip. That may require some of the family parties to tone it down as Uncle $teve tries to recuperate. Anyway, that’s a long ways down the line… so again, congratulations to them, and here’s the news…

Tebow IS Mortal – After being shellacked by the Patriots on Sunday, it appears Tim Tebow actually needed more R&R than anyone thought. The Broncos quarterback played through rib, lung and chest injuries he sustained in Denver’s 45-10 loss at New England in the AFC divisional playoffs last weekend. He won’t need surgery, is expected to make a full recovery with some down time and his offseason training program shouldn’t be affected in any way. ESPN first reported Wednesday that Tebow got hurt on a third-quarter tackle, then had trouble sleeping because of the pain and underwent an MRI on his chest Monday. Team spokesman Patrick Smyth said that while he couldn’t confirm the exact extent or nature of the injuries due to team policy, he acknowledged that Tebow finished the game in considerable pain. Backup Brady Quinn quickly got ready to go into the game after Tebow was hit by Vince Wilfork and Rob Ninkovich, but Tebow stayed in and finished up. “It’s just the physicality of playing football. Sometimes you get hit and it can hurt a little bit. But, I wanted to play a lot of the game,” Tebow said after the game. The outcome had long been decided by the time Tebow got hurt. “I just wanted to show character. You just continue to fight and it doesn’t change who you are, how you play, how you go out there, you should be the same at all times. That’s what I wanted to show, it didn’t matter if it was the first play or the last play or you were down by 42. I was going to be the same player and I was still going to give everything I have. Because that’s all I have to give.” Tebow wasn’t in the locker room during a one-hour media window on Sunday, emerging with a smile from the trainer’s room as reporters were filing out as the players streamed to their end-of-season meeting with coach John Fox. On Monday, Broncos boss John Elway declared Tebow the incumbent starting QB entering training camp next summer and reiterated his plan to work with him during the offseason to help polish his passing game. Tebow went 8-5 as the Broncos starter after supplanting Kyle Orton following a 1-4 start. He engineered a six-game winning streak that included four straight fourth-quarter comebacks that sent Tebowmania into full pitch. He faded at the end, losing his last three starts, including one to the Kansas City Chiefs and Orton, but the Broncos backed into the playoffs nevertheless at 8-8 as champions of the middling AFC West. Tebow had the best game of his pro career in the wild card round, when he averaged 31.6 yards per completion, the best in the NFL in 40 years, and threw an 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime for a 29-23 win over heavily favored Pittsburgh and the league’s No. 1 defense. That was Denver’s first playoff game in six seasons. Tebow, who didn’t get the first-team snaps during training camp or for the first month of the season, realizes he has a long way to go himself. “Just work and improve, fundamentals, understanding defenses, footwork, everything,” he said. Some say the injury was only a matter of time as Tebow’s style of play this year with the read option is very rare because the NFL usually protects their quarterbacks like China dolls 100% of the time… but Tebow noted that he actually takes glancing blows, if any, from smaller defenders while on the run, making him less vulnerable than when he stays in the pocket and might get sandwiched by 300-pound linemen… but for any team to win, you need balance in your running & passing offense. “We’re always looking for balance,” Elway said. “Balance is what we won Super Bowls with.” Elway and Tebow are eager to see what a difference an offseason can make— they didn’t have that luxury last year during the NFL lockout. As Tebow put it, “I feel like I’ve improved a lot in a lot of different forms of my game. And I continue to improve and continue to get a lot better, and I believe I can, and I’m looking forward to putting in work.” Best of luck, Mr. Tebow… and I hope that you feel better soon too. It’s gonna be a lot of work… especially since the team kind of sabotaged your chances by trading away your best receiver the week you became starter & didn’t really have a lot of weapons on offense to begin with. Oh well… still, best of luck in getting the tools you need to succeed. You’ve got the right attitude.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar Update – Okay, since I was a little boy about 7-8 years old, there were two players that I really respected both as players & men. I know that most of you probably think it’s a tandem like Michael Jordan & Magic Johnson or something like that… and they get mad respect… but not them. First & foremost was David Robinson, a Hall of Fame center who had just started with the San Antonio Spurs after being drafted two years earlier… but fulfilling his commitment to the Navy. He also played piano, saxophone & had several charitable organizations that he worked with… and could also play some serious ball. Did you know he scored over 70 points in a game once? MJ didn’t do that. Anyway, he was one… and the other was a man whom I had just read an autobiography about in my spare time at school (while I was waiting for others to learn math that I had been doing for years). It was about a kid named Lewis Ferdinand Alcindor, jr growing up in Brooklyn. He was pretty gangly & incredibly tall… and pretty much made to play basketball as he was nearly seven feet tall by the time he got to high school in the early 60’s during the Civil Rights Movement. He not only became a great athlete but also focused on expanding his mind & abilities beyond basketball, learned from the legendary coach John Wooden at UCLA (while losing like twice in his four years there), was the #1 pick of the 1969 NBA Draft, in a career spanning twenty years, he’s won six championships, six MVP awards, is the league’s all-time leading scorer, rebounder & probably shot blocker except they didn’t keep the stats until he was well into his career… and beyond that he’s written several books, helped countless young stars balance their careers & personal lives as an assistant coach, starred in a movies with the likes of Bruce Lee, Leslie Nielsen & the creators of South Park… oh and somewhere in there he changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Well now, another giant milestone…

The NBA's all-time scoring leader is now a global cultural ambassador. The State Department announced Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's appointment Wednesday. Ann Stock, assistant secretary of state for education and cultural affairs, says Abdul-Jabbar will travel the world to engage a generation of young people to help promote diplomacy. Stock says the appointment is part of Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's vision of "Smart Power" that combines diplomacy, defense and development to "bridge the gap in a tense world through young people." Abdul-Jabbar will travel to Brazil on January 22nd for a number of events centering on education, using his own experiences to help connect with young people. Not bad for a lanky kid from Brooklyn, huh? Yet another example of how education, hard work & a little bit of God-given ability can go a long way. Congratulations Kareem!

Apocalypse Update – It has finally happened… Big Brother has found my blog & the US Government is actually heading my advice. God help us all. Tuesday, the United States announced a ban on Burmese pythons, after years of unsuccessful efforts to eradicate the giant snakes from the Everglades National Park in Florida. U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, who has championed the ban, said it would take effect within about 60 days and make it illegal to import the snakes or transport them across state lines. A bit extreme you may be saying? Keep reading. Salazar announced the measure at a news conference at a flood control pumping station in a corner of the Everglades just outside Miami, where he was joined by Florida Senator Ben Nelson and two senior park and Florida Wildlife Commission officials as they held aloft a recently captured 13-foot python. Too extreme now? "The action we’re taking today is a milestone in the protection of the Everglades," Salazar said. Biologists say most pythons in the Everglades are thought to have been released there by their owners once they realized that the "pets" can grow from just a foot to 12 feet long within their first two years of life. So instead of stray domesticated cats & dogs… you’ve got giant irate constrictors prowling your neighborhood. In addition to the Burmese python, which has become one of the most notorious invasive species in U.S. history, the ban affects the yellow anaconda and northern and southern African pythons.

That’s not all you have to worry about as other invasive species in subtropical parts of Florida include dragon-like Nile Monitor lizards and raccoon-sized African rats. That’s right… rodents of an unusual size… combined with apparently fire-breathing, dragon-like lizards have turned the Everglades into a veritable Fire Swamp not unlike “The Princess Bride.” However of all of these invaders, Burmese pythons, which are native to southeast Asia, have become the stuff of legend in the Everglades since they were first sighted in the wildlife haven in the mid-1970s. With their razor-sharp teeth, they have been known to eat practically anything that moves in the park, from small mammals to large wading birds. Last year, a 15.7-foot Burmese was found with a huge bulge from a recently consumed 76-pound deer. Compounding eradication problems, however, the bone-crushing snakes have also bred in the wild in the savanna and steamy swamps of the Everglades. One of the creatures was aggressive enough to try devouring a 6-foot alligator in the park in 2005. The alligator was believed to have been dead already and the snake also died trying to digest it… but that’s not the point. I think the next stop is military action. Sure, they’re using our precious national parks as a hostage in this case so that we can’t completely eradicate the whole area… but I’m sure the military is already coordinating a major tactical movement against this invaders… you know, once they settle all that stuff in other countries. We may just have to grab our machetes & go into the glades ourselves to settle this once & for all. Sure, they have the home field advantage… and their ability to reproduce their numbers gives them an advantage… but I’m sure once they see our camouflage becomes the skins of their fallen comrades, we will strike fear deep into their bile-pumping black hearts & other species will think twice before forming an allegiance with these Burmese bastards. Who will lead us into this battle? I can think of only one man who’s perfectly equipped for the job…

MACHETE KILLS AGAIN!!!
(You’re welcome for the premise of your next movie, Robert Rodriguez…)

G Spot Update – That’s right ladies… read carefully. We about to talk about… the G Spot… and no, not the club on Columbus. Many women swear they have one, but a new review of 60 years of sex research shows science still can't definitively find the G-spot (though they’ve tried many black holes). Researchers have used surveys, imaging scans and biopsies of women, all trying to locate and define the presumably orgasmic area on the vaginal wall known as the G-spot. Based on a review of 96 published studies, an Israeli and American research team came to one conclusion. "Without a doubt, a discreet anatomic entity called the G-spot does not exist," said Dr. Amichai Kilchevsky, a urology resident at Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut, and lead author of the review, published Jan. 12 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (call now for subscriptions). Kilchevsky conceded the work is not "1,000 percent conclusive," allowing that other scientists could one day find something his team missed. But they would need new technology to do it, he said. Fun fact: The G-spot was named in honor of the late Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg, who in 1950 described a particularly sensitive 1- to 2-centimeter wide area on the vaginal wall. How’s that for a legacy? Having the G-spot named after you? Gräfenberg's description put Western medicine on a quest to define and learn more about the spot, purported to be a few centimeters in from the vaginal opening, on the vaginal wall toward the front of a woman's body. But Gräfenberg wasn't the first to write about such an erogenous zone. The Kamasastra and Jayamangala scripts dating back to 11th century India describe a similar sensitive area, according to the new study. Modern surveys of women on the subject only confounded the search. From a review of 29 surveys and observational studies, Kilchevsky concluded that a majority of women believe a G-spot actually exists, although some of those women also say they can't locate it. Other researchers have looked for physical evidence. Biopsies of tissue taken from the vaginal wall often find more nerve endings in the area of the purported G-spot than in other regions of the vaginal wall. But Kilchevsky and his colleagues also found biopsy studies with inconclusive results, and the authors point out that sensitivity in the human body isn't determined by the number of nerve endings alone. One 2008 study used ultrasound imaging to explore the vaginal wall of women, and found evidence of thicker tissue in the area of the G-spot among women who reported having vaginal orgasms. Women who said they had never had vaginal orgasms had thinner tissue in that area. However, other imaging studies included in Kilchevsky's review couldn't find a conclusive G-spot. Ultimately, Kilchevsky said he hopes his conclusions support women who worry they can't find the G-spot at home. "Women who can't achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration don't have anything wrong with them," he said. Kilchevsky doesn't think women who claim to have a G-spot are crazy either. "What they're likely experiencing is a continuation of the clitoris," he said. G-spot skeptics often point out that the tissue of the clitoris extends into the body, behind it where the G-spot would be located. One study in the review kept "the possibility of a discrete G-spot viable," according to Kilchevsky. A Rutgers University research team recently asked several women to stimulate themselves in a functional magnetic resonance (fMRI) machine (you know, I need to be a researcher in these f**king experiments). Brain scans showed stimulating the clitoris, vagina and cervix lit up distinct areas of the women's sensory cortex. This means the brain registered distinct feelings between stimulating the clitoris, the cervix and the vaginal wall – where the G-spot is famed to be. Barry Komisaruk, the lead author of the fMRI study and professor of psychology at Rutgers University, advocates calling it the G-area, or G-region, instead. Why not G-zone? G-plaza? G-park? G-district? Or G-G-G-G UNIT? I’ve got more… "I think that the bulk of the evidence shows that the G-spot is not a particular thing. It's not like saying, 'What is the thyroid gland?'" Komisaruk said. "The G-spot is more of a thing like New York City is a thing. It's a region, it's a convergence of many different structures." Komisaruk said that pressing on the area proclaimed to be the G-spot also presses the urethra and a structure called Skene's gland, which is analogous to the male prostate. "Each of those areas have different nerve sites," said Komisaruk. "I think there's good enough data that a lot of women feel that that is a particularly sensitive region." Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of "Great in Bed" (DK Publishing, 2011), pointed out that ambiguity is nothing new in sexual research. "I'm not sure why some people get caught up in this desire to find this anatomic thing that is the end all be all," Herbenick said. I agree… trying to find it in different ways is half the fun anyway… the other half is finding it. Findings from the well-known Australian researcher Dr. Helen O'Connell show the vagina, clitoris and urethra may act as "clitoral complex," during sex, Herbenick said. Any time one of these parts is moved or stimulated, it moves and stimulates the others. "We don't even have orgasm all figured out yet, I don't why we would expect to have the G-spot figured out," Herbenick said. Here here!!! So ladies… now is the time for us to stand united. I know that together we can find out the mysteries of your last frontier & show the world that your G-spot does in fact exist. I’m accepting applications for a study at no cost to you and the benefits… let’s just say they’re priceless. You’re welcome.

Lionel Richie “Hello” Remix – Since I’ve been talking about the end of the world & the extinction of the G-spot, I just thought I’d end this entry with a little bit of bright side before we prepare for battle. Please enjoy this video combining the legendary love ballad “Hello” with a dozen or so movies… Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Sexy Sexy Science

2012-01-17T21:00:00.005-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Great football this weekend!!! Seriously, the Saints – 49ers game was definitely one for the ages. The home team is now one win away from the Super Bowl… with the bastard NY Giants standing in the way. GO NINERS!!! The Tebow magic has died down momentarily with a humbling loss to the Patriots… but they’ve already announced that he’s pegged as the starter for next year so that’s a good start. Hopefully over the offseason he can become a more pure quarterback… but with undeniable heart & athleticism. Remember, Tom Brady wasn’t always Tom Brady… but he worked hard and it came to be. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past few years… it’s to never doubt Tebow!!! Thank you & God bless…

Saturday, I searched for a suitable laptop as my current laptop is about a decade old & on its last leg… or whatever the equivalent would be for a laptop. It’s been frustrating me… and so I ordered a new one (costs $200 less online as opposed to directly with my local Best Buy so… yeah, I can wait a week). While I was at Best Buy though, they had a special on pre-owned PS3 games… so basically I walked out of there with four “old” games (Duke Nukkem Forever, Infamous, Dead Rising 2 & NHL 2011) for about $30, which is awesome. I’ll let you know if they’re any good. Oh, I also upgraded my PS3 from a 60GB hard drive to a 500GB drive, so I can start using its full capabilities (music, video, etc) instead of just a few demos downloaded of the Playstation Store. So yeah, Saturday was upgrading my technology… until football started.

Sunday was the start of another basketball season & we played a pretty good game. I wasn’t my best at all… missed a lot of easy shots & free throws… but that kind of happens when I’m matched up against a guy better suited for left tackle & loved taking good, firm cheap shots whenever he could. Seriously, guy had a hundred pounds on me… but I still destroyed him game-wise. I can’t guard everybody though… and like I said I was missing shots when/if they were getting me the ball, but I still had about a dozen points which wasn’t too bad considering the rib shots, getting my knee whacked good & a chop to the throat that all still kind of ache a day or so later. We ended up losing by four points… but we really should’ve dominated. I’m a little disappointed in myself… but hey, next game. Can’t change the last one. We’re still not really playing as a team much… but the only time we see each other is at the games so, no real plan of attack other than whatever comes to mind during the game… and everybody wants to take shots but not do the dirty work.

Monday, I found out that I could do a chat with my brother on his PS3… using my webcam for my laptop & a Bluetooth from a game that he bought me last year called “Warhawk” so that’s okay. Got to see him & C-Rock in a grainy ass way. Why do I mention this? Because my mom has a PS3 as well… and so now once in a while, she can probably do the same thing… and when the niece & nephew visit on weekends, they get to see their Uncle $teve on the TV when they talk to him (and the connection will actually be quite a bit better than my cell phone). That’s awesome to me, so I thought I’d share it with you. You’re welcome! Anybody else who wants to get in on this PS3 chat tip, drop me a friend request at SJK69. That’s right, that’s my ID, deal with it. You know you love it.

Tuesday morning, I did my taxes bright & early because… well, they’re really simple… you know, finally having one job in one state for an entire year will do that… and basically, my return was nearly double what it was last year living in Tahoe. Why? Well obviously I was getting paid a lot more as well as I didn’t go on unemployment for 3 weeks. There were also a few moving expenses deductions in there so yeah, good times. Moving out here to San Francisco has been a fairly good financial situation for me thus far. On top of the taxes, I’ve been ballin’ out of control with several vacations & road trips, but with all the money I’m saving on stuff like gas, I’m able to save a few hundred bucks a month. It would be even better if I could avoid parking tickets, ordering $30 pizzas, extravagant mixology experiments when I’m already buzzed, and other stuff like that… but it’s all part of the experience. I’m really happy here… but yeah, it does get a little lonely… but hey, only one way to change that… and I’m working on it. I’m a charming & good looking guy, I just need to get out there & do something with it. That’s all. Anyway, enough about that, here’s the news…

Jay-Z / Beyonce Update - A newly discovered horse fly in Australia was so "bootylicious" with its golden-haired bum, there was only one name worthy of its beauty: Beyonce. Previously published results from Bryan Lessard, a 24-year-old researcher at Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, were recently announced on the species that had been sitting in a fly collection since it was captured in 1981 — the same year pop diva Beyonce was born (and yours truly). He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect's beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae. Lessard said Beyonce would be "in the nature history books forever" and that the fly now bearing her name is "pretty bootylicious" with its golden backside. "Bootylicious" was the title of a song by Beyonce's previous group, Destiny's Child. It's unknown if the rare species is a bloodsucker like many female horse flies (and other species, I said it!!!). Lessard says he was unable to find any live specimens when he went looking in 2010 in northeast Queensland's Atherton Tablelands, where it was captured three decades ago. However, at least one member of the public has alerted him that he was recently bitten by what's locally called the "gold bum fly." The description of the fly was earlier published in the Australian Journal of Entomology, but the results were announced last week. Lessard says he hasn't heard from Beyonce, who recently gave birth to her first child, but he is a fan and hopes she will take his scientific gesture as a compliment… and maybe say heeeeey? He also said the name was picked to help draw attention to the importance of his field and the need for more researchers to catalog and study insects. Horse flies are "vital pollinators of native plants, not just in Australia, but all over the world. It's extremely important to name all the undescribed species so we can measure our human impact on the environment and hopefully protect it for future generations to enjoy." See? Some nice marketing for scientists out there… even the ones that study bugs, which granted isn’t even the sexiest job in the scientist community (been a while since a sexbot update). However, it is vital important as they say. I know here in California its of major importance with regards to bee populations helping all our fruits, vegetables & nuts to grow so that we can feed the world. Keep up the good work… and I hope Beyonce hollas back… otherwise, I’d rename it to “Bug-a-boo”!!! (PS Also a Destiny’s Child song, just so you catch the joke)

Barbie Update - Iran's morality police are cracking down on the sale of Barbie dolls to protect the public from what they see as pernicious western culture eroding Islamic values, shopkeepers said on Monday. As the West imposes the toughest ever sanctions on Iran and tensions rise over its nuclear program, inside the country the Barbie ban is part of what the government calls a "soft war" against decadent cultural influences. "About three weeks ago they (the morality police) came to our shop, asking us to remove all the Barbies," said a shopkeeper in a toy shop in northern Tehran. Iran's religious rulers first declared Barbie, made by U.S. company Mattel Inc, un-Islamic in 1996, citing its "destructive cultural and social consequences." Despite the ban, the doll has until recently been openly on sale in Tehran shops. The new order, issued around three weeks ago, forced shopkeepers to hide the leggy, busty blonde behind other toys as a way of meeting popular demand for the dolls while avoiding being closed down by the police. Yes, this is the same Iran that’s trying to be a nuclear power. I’m thinking that it’ll eventually work itself into black market Barbie sells. A range of officially approved dolls launched in 2002 to counter demand for Barbie have not proven successful, merchants told Reuters. The dolls named Sara, a female, and Dara, a male (really?) arrived in shops wearing a variety of traditional dress, with Sara fully respecting the rule that all women in Iran must obey in public, of covering their hair and wearing loose-fitting clothes. How have the consumers spoken? "My daughter prefers Barbies. She says Sara and Dara are ugly and fat," said Farnaz, a 38-year-old mother, adding that she could not find Barbie cartoon DVDs as she was told they were also banned from public sale. Pointing to a doll covered in black long veil, a 40-year-old Tehran toy shop manager said: "We still sell Barbies but secretly and put these in the window to make the police think we are just selling these kinds of dolls." See? You have to go to bodegas to get your blonde fix… and sex sells, baby! Yes, even in the doll game. Iran has fought a running battle to purge pervasive western culture from the country since its Islamic revolution overthrew a western-backed king in 1979, enforcing Islamic dress codes, banning Western music and foreign satellite television. As another swipe at the West, Iranians will soon be able to buy toy versions of the U.S. spy drone that it captured in December, Iranian media reported. Models of the bat-wing RQ-170 Sentinel - which Iran's military displayed on TV after it was downed near the Afghan border - will be mass produced in a variety of colors, reports said. Eh… we’ve got plenty of the real thing & are always improving on them. Enjoy your toys… and our Barbies.

Laser Clark Gable – Well, it’s been a while since THE Clark Gable has made some news… so now it’s up to his progeny… even if it’s a little on the crazy side. Clark Gable's 23-year-old grandson has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for pointing a green laser at a Los Angeles police helicopter as it flew 800 feet over Hollywood. City News Service says the judge, who gave Clark James Gable credit for one day already served in jail, also placed him on three years' probation. He was sentenced Thursday. Gable pleaded guilty last month to felony discharge of a laser. He flashed the laser three times at the helicopter while riding as a passenger in a car on July 28. Officers aboard the helicopter pinpointed the source of the 52-milliwatt laser and directed officers on the ground to make an arrest. That’s right. You can go to jail for some childish sh*t. Keep that in mind next time you play with those little lasers. I know they’re fun… but if Clark Gable can go to jail for it… you don’t stand a f**king chance.

Most Beautiful Scientific Theories – Okay, this is a warning… but I’m about to nerd up on ya… so prepare yourself. From Darwinian evolution to the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance, the favorite theories of the world's most eminent thinkers are as eclectic as science itself. Every January, John Brockman, the impresario and literary agent who presides over the online salon Edge.org, asks his circle of scientists, digerati and humanities scholars to tackle one question. In previous years, they have included "how is the Internet changing the way you think?" and "what is the most important invention in the last 2,000 years?" This year, he posed the open-ended question "what is your favorite deep, elegant or beautiful explanation?" The responses, released at midnight on Sunday, provide a crash course in science both well known and far out-of-the-box, as admired by the likes of Astronomer Royal Martin Rees, physicist Freeman Dyson and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Several of the nearly 200 scholars nominated what are arguably the two most powerful scientific theories ever developed. "Darwin's natural selection wins hands down," argues Dawkins, emeritus professor at Oxford University. "Never in the field of human comprehension were so many facts explained by assuming so few," he says of the theory that encompasses everything about life, based on the idea of natural selection operating on random genetic mutations (aka the Platypus). Einstein's theory of relativity, which explains gravity as the curvature of space, also gets a few nods. As theoretical physicist Steve Giddings of the University of California, Santa Barbara, writes, "This central idea has shaped our ideas of modern cosmology (and) given us the image of the expanding universe." General relativity explains black holes, the bending of light and "even offers a possible explanation of the origin of our Universe - as quantum tunneling from 'nothing,'" he writes.

Many of the nominated ideas, however, won't be found in science courses taught in high school or even college. Terrence Sejnowski, a computational neuroscientist at the Salk Institute, extols the discovery that the conscious, deliberative mind is not the author of important decisions such as what work people do and who they marry. Instead, he writes, "an ancient brain system called the basal ganglia, brain circuits that consciousness cannot access," pull the strings. Running on the neurochemical dopamine, they predict how rewarding a choice will be - if I pick this apartment, how happy will I be? - "evaluate the current state of the entire cortex and inform the brain about the best course of action," explains Sejnowski. Only later do people construct an explanation of their choices, he said in an interview, convincing themselves incorrectly that volition and logic were responsible. That’s a pretty interesting theory, in my humble opinion. A kind of scientific explanation for “going with your gut” even if it’s against logic… and then later basically convincing yourself that it seemed like the best decision at the time. Hmm… I don’t see how that could apply to my life at all (please disregard the last 3+ years of this blog). To neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky of Stanford University, the most beautiful idea is emergence, in which complex phenomena almost magically come into being from extremely simple components. For instance, a human being arises from a few thousand genes. The intelligence of an ant colony - labor specialization, intricate underground nests - emerges from the seemingly senseless behavior of thousands of individual ants. "Critically, there's no blueprint or central source of command," says Sapolsky. Each individual ant has a simple algorithm for interacting with the environment, "and out of this emerges a highly efficient colony." Among other tricks, the colony has solved the notorious Traveling Salesman problem, or the challenge of stopping at a long list of destinations by the shortest route possible. Also very interesting… here are a few others mentioned in the article…

Stephen Kosslyn, director of the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences at Stanford, is most impressed by Pavlovian conditioning, in which a neutral stimulus such as a sound comes to be associated with a reward, such as food, producing a response, such as salivation. That much is familiar. Less well known is that Pavlovian conditioning might account for placebo effects. After people have used analgesics such as ibuprofen or aspirin many times, the drugs begin to have effects before their active ingredients kick in. From previous experience, the mere act of taking the pill has become like Pavlov's bell was for his dogs, causing them to salivate: the "conditioned stimulus" of merely seeing the pill "triggers the pain-relieving processes invoked by the medicine itself," explains Kosslyn. Science theories that explain puzzling human behavior or the inner workings of the universe were also particular favorites of the Edge contributors:

* Psychologist Alison Gopnik of the University of California, Berkeley, is partial to one that accounts for why teenagers are so restless, reckless and emotional. Two brain systems, an emotional motivational system and a cognitive control system, have fallen out of sync, she explains. The control system that inhibits impulses and allows you to delay gratification kicks in later than it did in past generations, but the motivational system is kicking in earlier and earlier. The result: "A striking number of young adults who are enormously smart and knowledgeable but directionless, who are enthusiastic and exuberant but unable to commit to a particular work or a particular love until well into their twenties or thirties." Wait… they KNEW about this & did nothing to help my enormously smart ass? DAMN YOU SCIENTISTS!!!

* Neurobiologist Sam Barondes of the University of California, San Francisco, nominates the idea that personality is largely shaped by chance. One serendipitous force is which parental genes happen to be in the egg and sperm that produced the child. "But there is also chance in how neurodevelopmental processes unfold - a little virus here, an intrauterine event there, and you have chance all over the place," he said in an interview. Another toss of the dice: how a parent will respond to a child's genetic disposition to be outgoing, neurotic, open to new experience and the like, either reinforcing the innate tendencies or countering them. The role of chance in creating differences between people has moral consequences, says Barondes, "promoting understanding and compassion for the wide range of people with whom we share our lives."

* Timothy Wilson nominates the idea that "people become what they do." While people's behavior arises from their character - someone returns a lost wallet because she is honest - "the reverse also holds," says the University of Virginia psychologist. If we return a lost wallet, our assessment of how honest we are rises through what he calls "self-inference." One implication of this phenomenon: "We should all heed Kurt Vonnegut's advice," Wilson says: "'We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.'" True dat…

* Psychologist David Myers of Hope College finds "group polarization" a beautiful idea, since it explains how interacting with others tends to amplify people's initial views. In particular, discussing issues with like-minded peers -increasingly the norm in the United States, where red states attract conservatives and blue states attract liberals - push people toward extremes. "The surprising thing is that the group as a whole becomes more extreme than its pre-discussion average," he said in an interview. So in other words, putting crazy people in the same room make them crazier than the sum of their parts? Don’t worry, the opposite works too like Tony Robbins said, where if you surround yourself with people that you want to be like, then you’re more likely to become like those people.

* Martin Rees, professor of cosmology and astrophysics at the University of Cambridge, nominates the "astonishing concept" that what we consider the universe "could be hugely more extensive" than what astronomers observe. If true, the known cosmos may instead "be a tiny part of the aftermath of 'our' big bang, which is itself just one bang among a perhaps-infinite ensemble," Rees writes. Even more intriguing is that different physics might prevail in these different universes, so that "some of what we call 'laws of nature' may ... be local bylaws." I assume that whoever came up with that idea was probably smoking a joint with some buddies, as I’ve heard stuff like that growing up all the time. Good work, scientists! I dig your ways of thinking.

Anyway, that should do it for today. Gonna be a busy couple of weeks coming up but hey, that’s why I get paid the big bucks… and leads to big tax returns. BOO-YAH!!! Maybe I’ll finally get that chalice to complete my ensemble. It’s been so long since this pimp has had a proper drinking receptacle. This weekend should also be some good times with the 49ers playing in the NFC Championship for the first time since I could drive a car legally. GO NINERS!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Up Close & Personal in 3D

2012-01-13T20:32:00.005-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Starting off with a funny story… I was sitting with my roommate Pixie and one of her friends watching TV last night… and we saw a commercial for the soon-to-be released “Beauty & the Beast” in 3D, which obviously everybody is going to line up around the block of the movie theatres to see. Well, her friend mentioned that Titanic is apparently being released later this year… also in 3D. So Pixie said, “Are they just going to release every movie with a soundtrack by Celine Dion in 3D now?” Which immediately led to one of the most awkward movie titles ever… starring Robert Redford & Michelle Pfeiffer… yes, it’s “Up Close & Personal… in 3D”. Come on now, you all remember the song. “You were my strength when I was weak… You were my voice when I couldn’t speak…” Seriously though, the title is just awkward… and that got me thinking of a few other movie titles that wouldn’t really work with the 3D addition… such as the new depressing as hell Tom Hanks one coming out “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close… in 3D” doesn’t sound appealing at all. Or “Definitely, Maybe… in 3D” well, is it going to be in 3D or not? Or among one of the lamer movie titles to begin with… but I remember it because it was released on my 21st birthday & stars Angelina Jolie and an oft-accused doppelganger of mine, Ed Burns (I blame the nose) but that movie… “Life or Something Like It… in 3D” just seems pretty vague & pointless to watch. I don’t know… any others out there that come to mind that wouldn’t work with “in 3D” added?

Jay-Z Update – First & foremost, congratulations to Shawn Carter (aka Jay-Z) and his lovely wife Beyonce Knowles on the birth of their first child, daughter Blue Ivy Carter. By the way, I was so sure that she was going to be named Brooklyn… but that’s a side note now. This is also a baby name update, just so you know… because I always thought that Blue was a boy’s name AND color… but still, congratulations to both of you & I understand the need to have distinctive names that nobody else has in the entertainment industry. I’m sure that’s a great significant meaning behind it… or something. Like the initials B.I.C. as a tribute to Biggie. Or maybe it’s just because it’s the colors of the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets, which Jigga partly owns. In further news, Blue Ivy is not even a week old, but she is already making music history. Billboard says that thanks to her dad, Jay-Z, featuring her on his new song, "Glory," Blue becomes the youngest person to ever appear on its chart. Jay-Z released the song about his first-born child with wife Beyonce on Monday, and it immediately became a viral sensation. The song, which credits B.I.C., features the sound of Blue's cries at the end. The song's refrain is "The most amazing feeling I feel/Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real/ Maybe I paint the sky blue/My greatest creation was you. You. Glory." Now, the song will enter Billboard's chart next week at No. 74. Blue was born Saturday, and her parents confirmed her birth Monday... so less than a week old and she’s already rockin’ the charts. It must run in the family…

Beethoven’s Bummer – Speaking of musical genius, a rare handwritten letter by legendary German composer Ludwig van Beethoven complaining about illness and a lack of money has turned up at a northern German institute as part of a bequest, causing excitement among lovers of the composer. The Brahms Institute in the northern city of Luebeck said the six-page letter bearing the composer's signature and original seal was, in essence, an attempt to sell his well-known "Missa solemnis" mass which he completed in 1823. In the letter, Beethoven asks harpist and composer Franz Anton Stockhausen to help find advance buyers for the mass. But most striking are details about his personal circumstances, such as his financial concerns, an eye disorder and an attempt to track down a music-loving dentist who wrote to him, said Stefan Weymar, music researcher at the institute. "My low salary and my illness demand efforts to make a better fortune," said Beethoven in the letter, which has turned yellow with age and needs to be stored in special conditions and handled with gloves. Beethoven, 53 at the time of writing, went on to say that the education of his nephew was costly and that the boy would need support after his death. The black writing, which slopes to the right, looks messy and is marred by corrections and crossings out. "Beethoven was not a composer with beautiful handwriting. It is spontaneous and he wrote things, then crossed them out, his thoughts changed as he went on and that is the impression the letter gives," Weymar told Reuters. At the end, he wrote "all letters to me need nothing more than "To L. v. Beethoven in Vienna," where I receive everything." The missive ended up in the hands of music teacher Renate Wirth, a descendant of the recipient. "The bequest is of extraordinary historic value -- a piece of luck for the Brahms Institute. The value of the Beethoven letter is valued at over 100,000 Euros (about $120,000)," said Institute head Wolfgang Sandberger. Born in the western German city of Bonn in 1770, Beethoven moved to Vienna as a young musician and become one of the most celebrated composers of all time, straddling the classical and romantic eras. His deafness in later life makes his musical accomplishments all the more astonishing. Beethoven died in 1827, four years after the letter was written, and is buried in Vienna. His Moonlight Sonata for the piano and dramatic four-note opening to his Fifth Symphony are among the best known pieces of classical music ever written. His Ode to Joy, part of the Ninth Symphony, has been adopted as the EU's Anthem of Europe. "The appeal of a letter handwritten by Beethoven is certainly very great," Michael Ladenburger, head of the Beethoven House museum in Bonn, told Reuters. That appeal is reflected at auctions -- a shopping list with just six words on it was auctioned for 60,000 Euros last year. His letters are rare and the length of this one, with the insight it gives into his personal life, make it very interesting indeed." The Brahms Institute will put the letter on show from next week. Wow… just think about it. During his life, he was struggling to get by financially (at least by his standards) and stricken with deafness, an eye ailment, so much hardship. Yet now, his music is regarded as some of the best ever composed & little checklists to himself made for groceries are being auctioned off for nearly six digits. By the way, if you haven’t seen Gary Oldman rock his Beethoven in “Immortal Beloved” you seriously need to go rent that tonight. Great flick. Anyway, just a little tidbit about how sometimes greatness goes unappreciated in your lifetime… but if you’re truly great… sometimes you get recognition down the road. Sad but true. Be strong, brothers & sisters.

Greatest Wish Ever!!! – Okay, I’ve worked quite a bit with the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in the college days… and it’s truly a great organization. Life is about experiences and there’s really nothing better than the smile on a terminally ill child’s face when you can make their dreams come true. Most wishes are cute things like going to Disneyland (like I am in March with the niece & nephew), play catch with an NFL quarterback, see the Grand Canyon, stuff like that… but there was one that I read about that I REALLY liked. Why? Because it’s now on my bucket list. A 7-year-old boy with cancer was granted his wish… to blow up a building… more specifically, to push the detonator and implode a massive grain silo in Ohio. WUPW reports that Maxwell Hinton, who is suffering from Neuroblastoma, was granted the request by the Make-a-Wish Foundation. "I got cancer, Neuroblastoma, and I went through treatment and they made a wish for me," Hinton said. "I watch MythBusters and they inspired me to blow a building up." That’s right, even more destruction involving educational programming… and by the way, side note: Where’s Kari Byron at? Doesn’t anybody know she was the real reason people watched that show? Back to point, the ConAgra grain mill was already scheduled to be demolished, making way for the sale of 11 acres of property as part of a four-year renovation project. An estimated 30,000 local residents turned out to watch Hinton help blow up the building. "It's been a great experience for him, but it's a great experience for this whole area," said Doug Studer, who helped to organize the fulfillment of Hinton's wish. Warms the cockles of your heart, doesn’t it?

Well, this weekend is more football as we come down the stretch of the NFL season. The Saints are in town, Tebow goes to New England to work miracles, the Texas go to Baltimore & the Giants will hopefully be dismantled by the Packers. Also, I think this weekend is when I’ll look for that new laptop so I can more readily bring you my updates. Seriously, my current laptop is about to get shanked… but then again, it’s about 10 years old & just pathetic by today’s standards. Also, I’m thinking about hitting up the Contemporary Jewish Museum as it’s the last week of an exhibit about Harry Houdini that I have yet to experience entitled “Houdini: Art & Magic” which just sounds like fun. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Behold the Brady Six

2012-01-11T20:35:00.005-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There was some great football the past few days, wasn’t there? The Texans won their first playoff game in franchise history against the Bengals. The Saints & Lions had a bit of a shootout at the Superdome… and I was kinda hoping the Lions might get their 2nd playoff win since 1954, but now the Saints are coming here to San Francisco for what should be a GREAT game. Tebow worked his magic against the Steelers… and now I kinda want him to pull out the upset of the Patriots next week. I can see it now… Broncos & 49ers in the Super Bowl. I think the odds for that going into the seasons would’ve been about 1600 to one if both were about 40-1 shots. Anyway, still a lot of steps to go before that happens.

Last night, I watched some special by ESPN about “The Tom Brady 6” which basically talked about Tom Brady’s unlikely rise to superstardom. It starts out about how he wasn’t even the starting quarterback on his high school team here in the Bay Area, so he wasn’t highly touted. He went to Michigan where he started out at the 4th or 5th quarterback on the depth chart… and the best that he could plan to do was backup to Drew Henson, probably the biggest recruit in YEARS for the Wolverines. Well, Drew went pro in baseball after getting a little outshined by Tom, so he got the starting job. Then after college, he was really only even mildly sought after by two teams after his pre-draft workouts… so there were SIX quarterbacks drafted ahead of him. He fell to the sixth round, to the New England Patriots, and he was their 4th stringer. There was even a story about how he grew up idolizing Joe Montana… and wanted nothing more than to be a 49er… and they were looking for a quarterback… and they were one of the two teams interested… and in the third round, they picked… Giovanni Carmazzi out of Hofstra. Now, you may be asking yourself WHO??? Yeah, he didn’t last… but having six QBs drafted ahead of him, and a little bitterness towards the 49ers, only fueled Tom to be better & work harder… so he did. Then he worked his way to backup to Pro Bowler Drew Bledsoe, as happens in football, Drew got hurt, Tom stepped in… and 3 Super Bowl rings later he hasn’t looked back & hasn’t continued to strive to be better… and he has a baby mama actress to go with the supermodel wife. Play on playa!

The moral of the story: Sometimes things don’t go as planned… like most of the time. You can only control what you can control. There will be plenty of adversity in your life… and you may not feel that you get the recognition that you deserve… but the only way to change that is to step up & do better, be better, live better. Who knows? Do you think if Tom Brady was picked by the 49ers instead of what’s-his-name (who by the way is a farmer with goats now apparently) that he would have been motivated to do what he’s done? Would he have stepped in for Jeff Garcia one day, led the 49ers to a few Super Bowls and never looked back? Perhaps. Do you think if the Cleveland Browns would’ve picked him instead of Spergon Wynn that they would be the dynasty of the last decade? Then again, maybe he would’ve came in to relieve Tim Couch after yet another horrible performance… and subsequently broke his leg or blew out his ACL in practice or something, gets cut & goes on to sell insurance. You just never know what’s going to happen… but you prepare for the worst and be your best, never stopping, always growing. Go ahead & take a few minutes to look at your own situation. What can you be doing right now that would be better for your life than reading this sentence on my blog? The answer: Absolutely nothing. However, I highly recommend that while you’re waiting for my next post that you get up, get out & get something. You have my support!

Next up… well, funny story. A few weeks ago, I caught a special on TV about “The Real Rocky” or rather the real life boxer nicknamed “The Bayonne Bleeder” that was the inspiration for the character Rocky Balboa. My roommate Pixie & one of her friends watched a few minutes of it with me before heading out for the evening. Then with the holidays, we haven’t seen much of each other. Well, last night… I watched a documentary that I DVR’d about the making of the Rocky movies… all six of them. So about half way through it… Pixie comes home and sees me watching a Rocky documentary, so she jokingly said, “I kinda feel you’re always watching this Rocky documentary… and have been for weeks.” Sigh… yes, I may have a problem… but if it were Batman or something more artsy, she’d be right there with me. Anyway, yeah… it was a pretty good little documentary. Did you know that Dolph Lundgren was a Swedish model turned martial arts master turned MIT graduate in Chemical Engineering turned actor? How about that Mr. T was valedictorian of his high school class? Or that Adrian wasn’t cast until about a week before filming started… and Carrie Snodgress was going to play her until her agent wanted more money that they didn’t have? Well, now you know. Also, Rocky is really an inspirational tale along the lines of Tom Brady earlier in this rant… but yeah, you already knew that.

Modern Art: Still Don’t Get It – I am not a professional artist. My artistic skills are lacking with the exception of occasional wordsmithing. Ask me to draw a picture, you’ll probably be disappointed. “Why is my portrait just a stick figure with boobs & squiggly hair?” “It’s an ugh… expressionist piece? That’s a thing, right?” Most of the time when I’m in an art museum, I can respect various mediums… and then others just confound me. Then again, I wouldn’t have imagined doing some of this crazy sh*t. In good old Denver, a 36-year-old woman was accused of causing $10,000 worth of damage to a painting by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still, a work valued at more than $30 million, authorities said on Wednesday. A police report said Carmen Tisch punched and scratched the painting, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", at the recently opened Clyfford Still museum in Denver and pulled her pants down to slide her buttocks against it. By the way, this is in the statement, I’m sure. Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office. Kimbrough said Tisch also urinated after she rubbed up against the canvas, but whether urine got on the painting was still under investigation (really?). Born in North Dakota in 1904, Still was considered one of the most influential of the American post-World War Two abstract expressionist artists, although he was not as well known as others such as Jackson Pollock. Still died in 1980, and the city of Denver worked for years with his widow, Patricia, to secure the single-artist museum. She died in 2005, and her husband's collection was bequeathed to the city. Four of Still's works were auctioned by Sotheby's last year for $114 million to endow the Denver museum, which opened with much fanfare in November. Because Still closely guarded his works, most of the pieces at his namesake museum had not previously been displayed. Tisch will be formally advised of the charges on Friday, Kimbrough said. So… okay a few things. First, $30 million for a painting? The one pictured above? Really? Not only that… but there are several in that price range from this guy? F**k me, I’m in the wrong career. Sad thing though… is that you have to die to collect. Good for your offspring though, I guess. Secondly, and this is where I further call into question the $30 million value, is that she did $10,000 worth of damage? Okay, reality check. If I take my Scarface poster… and punch it, scratch it a bit, then wipe my ass upon it… and probably being a little in the process (natural response) to what percentage would you think I ruined that poster? My guess is that I couldn’t give that sh*t away to a blind man. “What’s the smell?” However, we’re talking about $10,000 being 0.03% of the $30 million “value” on the painting. I’m not sure how this girl swings, scratches or scats… but I know my poster would be south of 99.97% of mint condition. I get it though. Art is a subjective market. Let them pay their huge price tags for one-of-a-kind oil paintings.

Identity Theft: Make It Somebody You Want to Be - A Dallas teen missing for more than a year has been found living in Colombia. Lorene Turner tells WFAA that her granddaughter Jakadrien Turner ran away from home in the fall of 2010 when she was just 14. Typical tragic story of a teenage runaway, right? Wait for the twist. Jakadrien made her way to Houston, where she was arrested by police. That's when things took a turn toward the Kafka-esque. Jakadrien gave the police a false name… and of all the luck, her new alias just happened to match up with the name of a 22-year-old Colombian citizen who had been in the United States illegally. That’s not all… to compound Turner's plight further, the Colombian national had a warrant out for her arrest. The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) then deported Jakadrien in April 2011. "They didn't do their work," Lorene Turner said. "How do you deport a teenager and send her to Colombia without a passport, without anything?" Also, side note… she must be a fairly mature looking 14 year old too. Turner said she'd been looking on her computer every night for clues to her granddaughter's location, and has been cooperating with Dallas police as she carries out her search. It turns out that after Jakadrien was deported, she was given a work card in Colombia and released onto the streets. "She talked about how they had her working in this big house cleaning all day, and how tired she was," Turner said. Jakadrien is now being held in a Colombia detention facility while awaiting more information on her case. "ICE takes these allegations very seriously," said ICE Director of Public Affairs Brian Hale. " At the direction of [the Department of Homeland Security], ICE is fully and immediately investigating this matter in order to expeditiously determine the facts of this case." Yeah, I’ll bet. That’s a pretty major f**kup… but hey, that’s what a bratty ass teenager gets for being a smartass in my book. “What’s your name, miss?” “Haywood!” “Interesting name for a girl. What’s your last name?” “Jablomy!” “Let me just run this in the computer and… JACKPOT!!! Here comes my accommandations…” I really am curious what name she gave though? Jennifer Lopez? Shakira Valenzuela? Who knows?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Been a very busy week at work… but hey, busy means good money, right? That’s the rumor. I’ll be sure to keep you posted on any big happenings… but pretty laid back once I get home to recuperate from the workday. Wish I had more interesting stories… but hey, you don’t wanna hear about all the crazy sh*t that I think about. I just don’t have time to type it all up either. Have a great night everybody!!!

Year of the Reaganing

2012-01-06T21:01:00.007-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… New Year’s happened… and it’s officially 2012. How did I celebrate? Well, apparently I got ill from hanging out at the airport or something… so I spent my half-day off Friday, all day Saturday (NYE) and first half of Sunday at home recuperating in blankies, watching movies and playing video games. That’s gangsta, right? Worst part: I didn’t get to utilize my tickets to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl… so that’s $100 down the drain… just like last year. I did get to see it on TV though… as well as Utah come from behind to womp on Georgia Tech in overtime in the Sun Bowl.

Another good thing came out of it. I finally played “Batman: Arkham Asylum” that I’ve had since… I think last Christmas. Over the weekend, I loved it, beat it & am now trying to do all the challenges & doing pretty good at that. Fun game… possibly could’ve been a $tevie winner… but it also puts the sequel “Batman: Arkham City” within reach of THIS year’s $tevie if/when I get to play that. Don’t worry, I’ll be playing this year’s present from my brother “Assassin’s Creed II” soon.

Saturday night, I watched “Warrior” starring Joel Edgerton, Tom Hardy & Nick Nolte. It’s the true story of a high school physics teacher named Brendan Conlon (Edgerton) who was moonlighting as an MMA fighter, got suspended when the school found out… and then decided to join the Sparta tournament in Atlantic City to make ends meet after vigorous training during his off-time. There he faces the legendary fighters such as Koba… and an upstart who came from out of nowhere, Iraqi war vet Tommy Riordan (Hardy) who was a YouTube sensation. Now for the twist… Brendan & Tommy are BROTHERS!!! Throw in family drama, they haven’t spoken in years, an alcoholic trainer / father (Nolte) and you’ve got a pretty fantastic movie. Basically it’s a lot like “The Fighter” but with a different cast… and not nearly as much crack. I highly recommend it… and Tom Hardy looks pretty ripped & ready to be Bane in the next Batman flick.

After that, I watched an ESPN movie called “The Marinovich Project” about the story of Todd Marinovich. Basically for those who don’t know, Todd was raised by his father former NFL player Marv Marinovich to BE an NFL quarterback. Since birth (I kid you not) he was trained to be nothing else. He was fed whole natural foods, worked out constantly, studied film, basically that was IT. Now as a kid & teenager, he enjoyed it because he spent time with his dad & it was giving some incredible results. He made a few ESPN stories in his early teens… and was touted as “Robo QB” back in the late 80’s. He set the high school passing record… then he went to USC. College introduced him to a new level of drugs, fame, competition, all that horrible stuff. Basically he started doing drugs, but still was a pretty amazing player, got in a few fights with his coach, ended up being the first sophomore to declare for the NFL Draft in 1992 after he failed a few drug tests. Who drafted him? The Raiders, of course. Then still in LA.

Fun fact: He was the 2nd quarterback selected that draft. The first was a guy I remember named Dan McGwire because he was 6-10 (didn’t last long) by the Seahawks and the 3rd picked… was Brett Favre by the Atlanta Falcons. Yes, Todd was picked ahead of Brett Favre. Now imagine Brett as a Raider.

Anyway, after getting drafted, he got hooked on heroin… and played two years for the Raiders before it caught up with him… and he was out of football. A few years later, he was in the Arena league… and then the drugs took over again. Then he decided to really go to rehab, met his wife & they have a beautiful child. That’s the summation of it… but I highly recommend that you check it out. He has a few interesting stories & analogies about why he made certain decisions… and you feel for the guy at times… and then you think he’s a prick at others… or maybe you’re just looking at it from a different angle or spectrum. When he was with the Raiders, he was basically 22 and decided that he didn’t want to play football anymore. It was his choice to make, right? Sure he can piss off the Raider nation… but they knew they were drafting a drug addict. They drafted them all the time. And felons. It’s what they do. Anyway, check it out if you get the chance. Now for some news…

Great Mystery of the Universe? – What are the great mysteries of the world? What is Life? Is there Life after death? What is the meaning of it all? Why is a drive way where you park and a parkway where you drive? What REALLY is in secret sauce? Do I REALLY want to know? What’s a platypus? Interspecies erotica gone awry? Well, for answers to most of these, we might seek the scientific council of guys like half-cyborg half-amazing all-man Stephen Hawking. However, the biggest mystery in the universe perplexing one of the world's best known scientists is -- women. When New Scientist magazine asked "Brief History of Time" author Stephen Hawking what he thinks about most, the Cambridge University professor renowned for unraveling some of the most complex questions in modern physics answered in his badass robot voice: "Women. They are a complete mystery." The wheelchair-bound Hawking, who only recently retired from a post once held by Isaac Newton, talked to the magazine in the run-up to celebrations for his 70th birthday about his biggest scientific blunder and his hopes for modern science. Hawking is due to celebrate his 70th birthday on Sunday with a public symposium entitled "The State of the Universe" at the University of Cambridge's Centre for Theoretical Cosmology, where the beats are off the hizzie & ladies always drink free. Hawking heads a list of speakers including British Astronomer Royal Martin Rees, Nobel Prize-winning physicist Saul Perlmutter and Kip Thorne, one of the world's leading theoretical physicists… so be sure to bring your bid’niss card to this playas only event this weekend. Woop WOOP!!! Woop WOOP!!!

So ladies… are you happy? Even fellow great $teve Stephen Hawking is entering his seventies… and has WASTED all that incredible knowledge on attempting to “solve” your ways. Cold fusion? Superconductors? The limits, if any, of space & time? VCR remotes? The man has mastered 3D Blu Ray remotes & would probably have down time traveling DeLorians and hover-boards if not for trying to figure you out. You may have very well doomed mankind… if not for that whole power of reproduction that you possess. Big thanks for that by the way. It brings up something that I’ve felt for a long ass time though. Have you ever wondered what separates self-made billionaires from the rest of us? Why Bill Gates has his own island & Oprah has her other other G6? Meanwhile you’re walking to the grocery store “for your health” and trying to decide whether you want to go that extra quarter for name brand pharmaceuticals? That’s that bullsh*t and you know it!!! You can’t afford a car!!! Anyway, one of my theories… is that those guys don’t focus 99% of their lives on getting laid. They didn’t waste their f**king time trying to figure y’all out. They put their gifts to goals with finite answers and endless benefit to mankind like the personal computer and whatever the hell Oprah does… advice I guess? Hypnotizing housewives? Anyway, they didn’t focus on the end goal. They focused on the steps to the end goal. First you get the idea, then you make it happen, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get respect with a side of sweet sweet poon tang filthying up your Maybach’s backseat. It’s okay, you’ve got another while that one’s having Love stains removed. Just a thought… roll with it.

Apocalypse Update: Hybrid Sharks – So I’ve been documenting how Snakes may be the actual riders of the stallions of the Apocalypse for years… but recently, there have been a few twists that may point towards a more unified Kingdom that will bring about the end of the world. No, not Saudi Arabia. I’m talking about the Animal Kingdom. Scientists said on Tuesday that they had discovered the world's first hybrid sharks in Australian waters, a potential sign the predators were adapting to cope with climate change. Feel that shiver down your spine? The mating of the local Australian black-tip shark with its global counterpart, the common black-tip, was an unprecedented discovery with implications for the entire shark world, said lead researcher Jess Morgan. "It's very surprising because no one's ever seen shark hybrids before, this is not a common occurrence by any stretch of the imagination," Morgan, from the University of Queensland, told AFP. "This is evolution in action." Colin Simpfendorfer (poor guy with that last name), a partner in Morgan's research from James Cook University, said initial studies suggested the hybrid species was relatively robust, with a number of generations discovered across 57 specimens. The find was made during cataloguing work off Australia's east coast when Morgan said genetic testing showed certain sharks to be one species when physically they looked to be another. The Australian black-tip is slightly smaller than its common cousin and can only live in tropical waters, but its hybrid offspring have been found 2,000 kilometers down the coast, in cooler seas. It means the Australian black-tip could be adapting to ensure its survival as sea temperatures change because of global warming. "If it hybridizes with the common species it can effectively shift its range further south into cooler waters, so the effect of this hybridizing is a range expansion. It's enabled a species restricted to the tropics to move into temperate waters." Climate change and human fishing are some of the potential triggers being investigated by the team, with further genetic mapping also planned to examine whether it was an ancient process just discovered or a more recent phenomenon. If the hybrid was found to be stronger than its parent species -- a literal survival of the fittest -- Simpfendorfer said it may eventually outlast its so-called pure-bred predecessors. "We don't know whether that's the case here, but certainly we know that they are viable, they reproduce and that there are multiple generations of hybrids now that we can see from the genetic roadmap that we've generated from these animals. Certainly it appears that they are fairly fit individuals." The hybrids were extraordinarily abundant, accounting for up to 20% of black-tip populations in some areas, but Morgan said that didn't appear to be at the expense of their single-breed parents, adding to the mystery. Simpfendorfer said the study, published late last month in Conservation Genetics, could challenge traditional ideas of how sharks had and were continuing to evolve. "We thought we understood how species of sharks have separated, but what this is telling us is that in reality we probably don't fully understand the mechanisms that keep species of shark separate," he said. "And in fact, this may be happening in more species than these two."

Okay, so what does this mean to you & me? Sure, this example is just two slightly different species of black-tip sharks reproducing… but then those black-tip sharks start mingling with the Great White Sharks to make… I don’t know, zebra sharks… or is that what tiger sharks all already? Nurse sharks mingle with hammerhead sharks to form some sort of hybrid that can not only tend to wounded sharks, but also build structures? How about a vicious mako shark… with a THRESHER??? Oh yes… and with this genetic mixing, the offspring are stronger & more amiable and adaptable then before thanks to evolution (deal with it, Kansas!). It’s only a matter of time before they start mingling with dolphins or whales (seriously, what’s a blue whale going to do when a shark is getting its freak on? Look at it funny?). Perhaps then some hybrid that can break on land AND sea… perhaps with the dolphin intelligence they’ll figure out some sort of suit or apparatus… and I think you know where it goes from there. That’s right, while you sleep! I know what you’re thinking. “$teve, that sh*t’s stupid. Fish & mammals don’t breed with one another. It just doesn’t make sense from a genetic or logical standpoint.” Really? Like a bird, an amphibious rodent & a venomous snake having a big orgy with some kind of bastardized offspring? BEHOLD THE PLATYPUS, B**CHES!!! (Drops the mic & walks off the stage)

… and then he walks back onto the stage, picks up the mic & dusts it off realizing that he’s not done blowing your mind…

Apocalypse Update: Zom-Bees!!! – Sudden decreases in the bee population have been greatly affecting the world. I’m not joking. That sh*t is real. Just ask any farmer. No big deal. We’re only talking about crops & the very food that we eat. However, scientists have made some odd discoveries in researching this phenomenon. A fly parasite is being blamed for an epidemic that has struck the honey bee population around the world. The parasite nests in the stomach of the bees and causes them to walk in circles, sometimes pursuing bright lights, before eventually dying. The Parasitic Phorid Fly Apocephalus borealis is responsible for the “zombie” transformation, laying its eggs inside the abdomen of the honey bee. "When we observed the bees for some time, the ones that were alive, we found that they walked around in circles, often with no sense of direction," said San Francisco State University's Andrew Core lead author on the bee parasite study in the journal Plos One. Bees usually just sit in one place, sometimes curling up before they die, said Core. But the parasitized bees were still alive, unable to stand up on their legs. "They kept stretching them out and then falling over. It really painted a picture of something like a zombie." And while the parasite may be causing immense damage to the honey bees population, there is an upside to their discovery, according to the Mirror, "Scientists discovered the parasite by accident but they believe it may help them discover what is causing colony collapse disorder which is devastating honey bees in Europe and America cutting some populations in half." The parasite is believed to be new and similar to one currently affecting the bumblebee population. Scientists are still figuring out exactly how the parasite works, but an early theory by San Francisco State Professor John Hafernik holds that the parasite changes the bees' "body clocks," which causes their erratic behavior and deaths. Not exactly what I was expecting from this story… but hey, you never know when something like this could mutate… and then bees don’t die after the first sting… that’s just when they start going for your sweet brain honey. Then what if it goes to other animals? Don’t make me drop the mic again…

Anyway, that should do it. I probably should’ve walked away on the platypus thing… but I just don’t know when to quit. No real plans this weekend but I’m sure there’ll be something to do with watching football & exploring the city now that I’m feeling better than last weekend. Less than 60 days until the Disneyland trip with the family!!! It should be fantastic. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

2011 $tevie Awards

2011-12-30T17:20:00.010-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2011 $tevies

So as you know, about five years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2011. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host for the evening… Mr. Adam West…

“Good evening. I’m… not exactly sure why I’m here. (laughter from the crowd) No, I’m serious. I have no idea who this $teve guy is. We met at a convention a few months back allegedly, he gave me a call & asked me to host an awards show. He went on & on about how he loved my work with the old Batman TV series & Family Guy… but is this a TV awards show or something? And why am I dressed up in this outfit? Doesn’t he realize that was nearly a half century ago? Get with the times, man. Anyway, apparently all of the presenters know why they’re here… and apparently I almost lost this gig to Robocop… so without further ado, ladies & gentlemen, allow to introduce our first presenter… Miss Megan Fox… grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “I know that you’re probably expecting Lindsay Lohan to present this award… but she’s no longer on speaking terms with $teve. So instead, I will be stepping in to present… as whenever Brian & I need suggestions on how to keep the spice alive in our relationship, Dr Love is always willing to prescribe. This year’s award offers some stiff competition. I mean stiffer than I made most of the planet when I checked under the hood in Transformers but completely misdiagnose the type of engine that I was looking at. Seriously, if you weren’t staring at my tits & waist, you would’ve caught that… but our script supervisor didn’t. Did we even have one of those on that movie? Anyway, this year’s nominees for drinking buddy of the year are… the 4-time reigning champion & Vegas odds favorite Bubbles for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Brunches, & Random Rendezvouses (hold for applause during scenes of bottomless mimosas); Jackie D for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Six Weeks of Cohabitation, LA Road Trip, Shots Across America & Vegas Birthday Bash (role scenes of Jackie D beating the beat up to roaring ovations); and The Wingman of his roles in Vegas Winter Getaway & Mayan Riviera Cruise (clanks clamor from the audience as wrist bling strikes raised chalices to a flurry of “Woot WOOT!!!”). All worthy nominees indeed… but as the Scottish poet Duncan McLeod once said, ‘There can only be one’ and that one is… (turns around to shake her bottom with the accompanying drum roll, continuing as she slowly turns around to read the card) come on, you knew as soon as I stepped out here that it was going to be Bubbles! Congratulations!”

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Now for our next presenter… Mr. Timothy Tebow. “Good evening ladies & gentlemen, thank you for having me here. It is such a great honor to be here presenting awards for my good friend $teve. I know our own friendship has been tested over the years when I decided to play for the Florida Gators & then drafted by the Denver Donkeys, but it’s not about where you are, but who you are… and $teve & I have always believed that, though our travels have taken us all over the world & back again. The Lifetime Service Award is a particularly distinct honor to present because of those principles… and my own lifetime service to my best friend, my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. We all may take ridicule for the friends that we keep, whether it’s from parents, other friends, TV critics, bosses, and maybe even your own self-doubts. What’s important is that there’s the underlying Love that helps you through the tough times… and keeps your bond strong… and that as you walk through life, you know that they will be there for you in your time of need… as you will do whatever it takes for them. It is with that in mind that I present to this award to Isaiah, $teve’s friend since the 2nd grade… and 49ers fan who is pleased as punch that his friend lives in San Francisco so that he can get some good tickets for when the Broncos come into town to come from behind in the 4th quarter & eek out a victory in overtime as is God’s will. Congratulations Isaiah! Thank you and praise Christ!” SPREECH!!! (Fun fact: “Spreech” is a word popularized during the Vegas trip last month that is a combination of “Speak!” and “Preach!” with a dose of “Amen!” to form into a super exclamatory “SPREECH!!!”)

NEWCOMER AWARD: To present this award, please welcome Mr. Don Knotts. “Why hello there everybody! It’s been a long time since I was in front of a crowd like this. Some say it’s because I haven’t had a hit show since I was Mr Furley on Three’s Company. Others say it’s because my expert comic timing is lost on today’s youth & all they want are dick & fart jokes. Still others say its because I’ve been literally dead for over five years now. Regardless, this next award isn’t about me… or $teve’s love for my whackadoo films… but rather who has recently come into his life for the prestigious Newcomer Award. Why would he ask me to do this? Probably because a lot of the nominees are ladies that he’s lived with over the past year… and it’s apparently too soon to have John Ritter’s ghost out here. Without further ado, the nominees are… his stunning current & former roommates Jackie D, Carmen, Nurse, Pixie & Batgirl (her name changed cuz I forgot what it was before)… and just to include a gentleman… his neighbor J-Mo. And the award goes to… Jackie D!!! What’s that? She’s joining us via satellite? What does that even MEAN? Whooooa… this new technology is crazy. I’m going back to Heaven with Suzanne Sommers’ career…”

“WHAAT??? DUDE! I was gonna be all hurt that you didn’t give me that drinking buddy award… because seriously? Come on. But that was before I knew this one was coming up! Thanks homey! MAKEIT MAKEIT RAIN RAIN… it was great being your roommate & I’m glad we can still chat and whatever even though I’m living in Philly… having to go to the Jersey Shore to have fun. WHAT? That sh*t cra… but I’m looking forward to future adventures & road trips & the like. I gotta get my passport so that we can hit up Amsterdam! Also, I’ve apparently gotta step my Game up so that I can get the drinking buddy thing next year. Make it LE-GIT!!! And if I don’t get it… then you can kiss my a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ STOP!!! Now make that mutha f**ka Hammertime!!! OOH OOOOOH OOH OOOOOH!!!”

SONG FOR 2011: Thank you for those stirring words, Miss D… and now, ladies & gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the true king of hip hop, Mr. Jay-Z. “Big ups to Brooklyn, what? Haha! You crazy for this one, $teve. Asking me to come on up here & present because you’re tired of giving me all these awards. Every time I drop an album it always makes its way here… but you’re trying to show some Love for other artists out there… and I feel that. WATCH THE THRONE!!! That’s why I put my hand to my heart… it means that I feel ya… cuz Game recognize Game & you lookin’ familiar. This year’s award goes to Foster the People for their song “Pumped Up Kicks” which talks about serious issues of teenage angst in such a way that you can’t even understand the verse because it’s so scratchy & sang into a coffee can… but then the hook comes around & you don’t even realize what you’re singing until it’s too late. You gotta love it. It’s a thuggish ride-or-die song hidden behind a catchy cheery backdrop. I been singing about these foolish children out in the streets needing to recognize my heat for years… but you don’t see politicians trying to bring down these popsters, now do ya? That sh*t cra… Congratulations to all of our winners, afterparty at 40-40 the Sinner’s Dinner, and to all you haters out there trying to play with Jigga, you only get half a bar – F**k yall n**gas!!!” (drops mic & walks away)

MOVIE FOR 2011: H’whoa! That sh*t was tight, Jigga man! Haha! That reminds me of when I was answering the Riddler to help save Gotham from a giant question mark falling from space. I’m still not sure how he was able to do that but… there’s a lot I don’t understand about movies… but to help us is our next presenter, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. “Ok’y ok’y ok’y, so my buddy $teve & I are hanging out watching movies one day… and he asks me to do this presenting thing about what HE thought… was the best movie of 2011. True true, I didn’t have anything to throw into the mix this year because… well, you know how us geniuses are, he said with all humility. Next year though, I’m gonna rob these f**king awards shows BLIND with Django… but I digress, I’m switching to the next reel when I haven’t even start this one. Frankly I just going to say it. I didn’t care for this year’s batch as much as years past… but there’s an added element because I’m basically going off what my man $teve has seen. See, he waits for the Netflix unless it’s an absolute must see for him or usually somebody else who wants to go with somebody. He hasn’t seen these highly toughted movies like Drive or Hugo or a lot of these f**king sequels like Harry Potter or X-Men because… well, he just hasn’t. He hasn’t even seen the Muppets and he LOVES those guys. He was really excited for the Planet of the Apes one too… but yeah, hasn’t seen a lot of them… but Drive sounded like his kinda sh*t being named after Steve McQueen & all... but it ended up being pretty slow. However, this year’s winner… is ‘The Fighter’ starring Marky Mark & Christian Bale about the true life story of Micky Ward & his brother… as well as the bond of family, and an underdog story in every sense of the term. I know he couldn’t stand those Boston accents though. Probably drove him up the wall. Next year’s gonna be tough though, $teve! You’re going to have to pick between my movie… and Batman. There can only be one of us… and we usually sweep these things… I hope you’re up to making a tough choice. I mean hell… this year’s winner had Batman in it. You may have a problem… but I understand since you haven’t seen a lot of ‘em yet. Just remember, I have Sam Jackson on speed dial.”

VIDEO GAME FOR 2011: Thank you Quentin, but Mr. Jackson is actually our next presenter. Welcome to the show! “(struts to the stage) Good evening ladies & gentlemen. This evening we have heard from distinguished members of society, stars & stage & screen… and the ghost of Barney Fife. So it is with great honor that I present the winner for… seriously, what the f**k is this? Does anybody really give a damn what you thought was the best video game of the last 12 months? Or EVER? F**K YO MUTHA F**KIN’ VIDEO GAMES!!! You think Life is a game? Tell ‘em Earl Simmons…”

“It is NOT a F**KING GAME!!! ARR ARR!!!”

TV SHOW FOR 2011: I honestly couldn’t have said it better myself. Ladies & gentlemen, television star Peter Dinklage. “Good evening again, ladies & gentlemen. I’m here on behalf of the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to take this award back to the studios. Not because we’ve necessarily won it… but because I’m just going to f**king take it… and there’s not a damn thing that any of the other shows can do to stop me. I don’t see the gang from Sunny in Philadelphia coming to take it from me! Nor the cowardly serial killers from Showtime or any of those comedians with their own shows. I WISH that Whitney would show her face around here. I would smack the smug right off her face. Nobody watches your show. No matter how much they try to jam it into our eyeballs. The mere glimpse of you makes my bowels wretch with disgust. So I am taking this trophy back to my estate… and yes, on my little horse… and if you have any problem with that, then you can take it up with my friend Khal Drogo, whose basically what Conan the Barbarian should have been. Ta-ta…”

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Oh-ho! Well, there you have it! Now to present our next award, movie star Mike Myers. “(Silence, with the exception of a faint background chiming of infamous horror music)” Well, it seems that Mr. Myers has a little bit of stage fright. I thought that we were getting the guy from Austin Powers but… oh well, would you mind if I were to present this award? “(Silence)” Thank you! This year’s costume goes to… Waldo!!! Thankfully also a man of few words...

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Next, please welcome to the stage, Ms. Jenna Jameson. “Hi everybody, I have no idea why I’m up here to present the award for Restaurant of the Year… but I’ll bet it’s because I have a buffet of goodies… and this year’s winner is… Wicked Spoon Buffet at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. I’ve eaten there during the Adult Expo. Great selection… and the food isn’t bad either. Two cocks up! WAY up! And besides… who doesn’t like a little naughty spoon action when they’ve been a bad girl?”

BOOK OF THE YEAR: Giggidy! (clear throat) Thank you Ms. Jameson. Next up, we have the actual author of Pimpology: The 48 Laws of the Game, Mr. Pimpin’ Ken!!! “Good even’n pimps & b**ches. I’m glad that my words could reach such a rising young playa like Dr Love. You see… the Game is to be sold, not told… and I wanna give a special shout-out to The Wingman for purchasing these nuggets of knowledge for my man to not only read, but take to heart. Now, some y’all haters out there talkin’ sh*t like… Why come I can’t write a book? That n**ga Ken don’t know what he rappin’ about. That boy soft on his b**ches. Well let me tell you somethin’ mutha f**ka! This is how Pimpin’ Ken roll… mo’ b**ches than a train & I makeit makeit rain rain… (throws handfuls of Benjamins into the crowd) Skee skee skee mutha f**kas!!! Buy the book!!!”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: Thank you… and now our last presenters, the former star of Crossing Over / alleged psychic John Edwards & star of Ghost Adventures, paranormal investigator Zach Bagans. “Good evening!” “Good evening!” “Zach, I saw this coming… you know, that we’d be on stage tonight… but I was hoping that you could fill the rest of us in on what award we were presenting.” “Well John, I’m not sure why… but luckily I have my buddies here with cameras to find out… oh and there’s a letter here on the podium. Let’s see. T-t-t t-heee… t-heee… what’s this word?” “The.” “Really? Weird.” “Here, I’ve got it… the award for biggest do… douchebag? For the last time, I’m not a douche!!! I can talk to dead people, okay? F**k you guys!” “Ah, that sucks! You got the douchebag award?” “Hahaha, you got it too!” “What? Why?” “I don’t know… let’s read the teleprompter. You wanna take this one?” “Yeah but… you go first. I gotta… check my batteries in my digital recorder.” “Alright then, John Edwards is just a douche because he uses the methods of hot & cold reading to convince people that he can talk to dead people & makes money from it. Though you can’t hate him for trying to make a dollar, he’s still a douche to the nth degree. Oh come on!” “What does it say about me?” “Zach Bagans hosts a decent show with a decent idea of searching for scientific evidence of spirits & contact with the ‘other side’ but unfortunately… the host is a total douche & its difficult to watch the show and listen to him speak… constantly & stupidly… and still thinks he’s hot sh*t in a champagne glass when he’s cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. Yeesh!” “Oh man, that’s cold. I’m getting hairs standing on the back of my neck.” “Wait, there’s more… Great show though sometimes you have to REALLY try to fill the full hour… all I’m saying is let somebody else talk who knows what they’re talking about or at least kind of funny. Congratulations, Zach!” “Congratulations, John.”

Congratulations, douches! Now we’ve reached the point of the show where we welcome out to the stage, the guest of honor… for a little reflection on this past year… and looking forward to 2012. Ladies & gentlemen, please welcome… the Man… the Myth… the Manotaur… Dr Mookie Love… aka $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I paid them… which is in the mail. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2011 was a monumental year, I think for all of us. We saw major changes & power shifts in the Middle East, the passings of some of international douches from Bin Ladin to Gadhafi… and everybody’s favorite little dictator Kim Jong Il. We’ve lost good friends, made new ones, highs & lows all around, new experiences, both good & bad, and so I figured that I would just take over a few of these awards because… seriously, who else is going to answer some of these? For example…”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Hmm… let’s see, who was my best romantic relationship with this year? Yeah… obviously not a whole lot to talk and/or brag about on this one… so your mom works. It was definitely the best for her.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Well, on official Valentine’s Day, I watched “Mortal Kombat” with Jackie D & had a few beers… but the weekend before was EPIC Jew Night with Jackie D, Carmen & Bubbles as well as a bunch of drinks at the Tipsy Pig & the Cellar. Not a bad time at all… a lot better than the previous year when I almost had to beat down some disrespectful teenagers in Old Sac. I’d much rather be getting crunk with a bunch of sexy ladies.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Moving to San Francisco! You may have noticed… but I really like it here. Granted, I liked it in Tahoe too… except for maybe the abundance of snow (which I apparently wouldn’t be burdened with right now) but there’s just so much to see & do here… and so many fantastic people that I meet… and I’m actually able to make a little money to save or use on vacations… and I still have the perks of living in a national park… with great roommates… and a great job… and I’m close to one of my best friends Bubbles… and honestly I could probably do without Gretchen… but I’m glad that she’s around… and there’s so many festivals, concerts, museums, sporting events, basketball leagues, softball leagues, different neighborhoods to explore, great restaurants, the ocean, and places like Tahoe, Monterey, Yosemite, Big Sur, Reno, Half Moon Bay, San Jose, even Oakland… they’re all nearby to be explored still too.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: For 2012, I’m planning on getting out there more & meeting new people… and for God’s sake maybe go on a date or two. Seriously, it dawned on me just now… that I haven’t really been on a date since Tahoe. Well… you can kind of count my roommate Nurse going to dinner with me on my 30th birthday… or her date that I was on when we went to Sharktoberfest… but yeah, nothing really of an even semi-romantic intent in nature for quite some time. Why? Ladies love me… and I love the ladies. So that’s at the top of the list. I’ll elaborate a little more on this with the Resolutions…

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Okay, so upon further review… on St Patrick’s Day, I apparently DID spill a pint of ale all over Bubbles. This was confirmed by J-Mo… and that guy was dead sober the whole time. What was the idea associated with it? Well, apparently A) it was my idea to have one more round before we left the Final Final, and then B) it was my idea to hand my beverage to Bubbles… or set it down next to her or something… I don’t know, apparently I was already halfway to the bar to get the round… and that’s when we all left. Yeah… blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol, baby.

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Well once again, I guess it would have to be the zip code. What is this the 3rd or 4th year in a row? First Denver, then back to SLC, then Tahoe, then to here… but hopefully I can stick around here in the Bay for a while. Like I said before, I like it here. Let’s see, what else has changed… the altitude, the humidity, the roommates, the weather, the smell of eucalyptus as opposed to pine, the lack of parking, all relatively small but make up for this new land of adventure.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: I’d have to say that the high point of the year was my 30th birthday getaway last April / May. Two weeks away from work (that I’m still feeling the unworthy brunt of from fellow coworkers, but f**k ‘em in the ear) and spending it with loved ones like my mom, grandmama, stepdad, the Wingmans & Filly… in some of my most loved places like New Orleans and… a boat that takes me around the world. Beautiful sights, fantastic beverages (seriously, cashew wine, where do I get this stuff?), amazing adventures, good times all around. There’s a rumor going around that the next trip may be either a South American cruise down towards the Panama Canal… or jetsetting over to Amsterdam… but we shall see. Easily the high point of 2011!!!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Coming back to work / reality afterwards? Ha-ha! Thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot of low points this past year. My great-step-grandma passed recently… and that sucked… but she was well into her 90’s and had been suffering from Alzheimer’s & other ailments for years… so the real sad part was that my great-step-grandpa was a widower & I’m sure it’s been rough on him. Family & friends have had their health scares… let go from their jobs & finding employment elsewhere… and the worst I can think of off-hand is the thing on my cheek, which was nothing. All-in-all, not a bad year if that’s the worst of it.

BEST HOLIDAY: What can I say? This man loves Christmas. A month of Mariah Carey & Bing Crosby on the radio, Jimmy Stewart & Bill Murray on the TV, people smiling everywhere you go, shimmering lights, parties for really no reason other than to party, a week away from work to go home & see the family, a bunch of free sh*t that you’ll rarely use, what more could you ask for? The details of this year’s adventures are broken down here… but yeah, I heart Xmas.

REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS:

Date Dammit! – I’ve got all this good lovin’ to give & nobody seems to want it… how could this be? My guess: Poor marketing on my part

Learn Another Language – Spanish or Mandarin? Maybe both, but I’ve almost got enough saved up to finally get a laptop that’ll actually work so that I can do Rosetta Stone

Up Mountain Dew – I’ve tried regulating it… but the answer may just be cold turkey, old friend. Gonna give up soda all together but obviously Dew & grape soda are the biggest culprits.

Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve been doing a lot better since getting the gym membership & joining the basketball and softball leagues, now if I could just eat better…

Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though you’ve probably forgotten about me

Use My Passport – Sorta used it on the cruise… but this b**ch needs stamps

Write a Children’s Book – I think it’s time that I took a weekend, sat down, & really focused my efforts on making that children’s book with my brother that I’ve been thinking about for years. Also, maybe a few writing exercises so hopefully I can get some of that JK Rowlings / Stephanie Meyers money. Fellow great $teve, Stephen King would approve!

Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – Work bugs me from time to time, parking tickets ruin my weekend, sport league lockouts make my blood boil… but you know what, I’m gonna be alright. Just live well & do your thing, dawg.

Look for the Next Step – I like to think that I’ve been doing that… but in all honesty, it seems like I’ve just been going day by day… especially this last year. Too busy to look ahead most of the time. However, I’m 30 now. I need to really think about the future & making that next step into an actual career instead of hourly daily labor. Or find ways to get that mutha f**kin’ money… can you dig it?

Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I plan on surviving Mad Max style. Be prepared!

Anyway, it’s been another great year… thank you all for joining today’s ceremonies… and I wish you a happy & healthy 2012 and beyond. Have a great year everybody!!!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-30T17:03:00.014-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Here’s a brief summary of my Christmas vacation back to Utah… please enjoy…

Tuesday

Work was the usual… but afterwards, I met up with Carmen & her roommate for a party celebrating the first night of Hannukah complete with plenty of their friends, great food & spinning the dreidel. I don’t mean to brag… but I kinda walked away with the most kisses that night… Hershey’s Kisses of course, as was the currency of dreidel… but still. I may have also met a very nice future prospect for my new year’s dating resolution. HOLLA!!! After that, I packed for my trip to Utah…

Wednesday

Went to work again, full day… then Super Shuttle to Oakland airport and just before midnight made it into SLC basically go to sleep. Nothing really to tell about this day other than big ups to my stepmom for picking me up at the airport… and damn Utah is much colder than San Francisco. I had to pull out the old Tahoe gear… and there really wasn’t much snow at all, just cold. Apparently it’s been a problem with the ski resorts here in the West.

Thursday

Met up with my mama for lunch at Garcia’s restaurant in Layton near her work. Fun fact: When I was a young’un we would go to Garcia’s all the time for great Mexican food at a great price… but it wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized that it was Garcia’s as opposed to “Gracias!” Why? Well, I was told as a kid that’s how you say thank you in Spanish when they bring you your dinner… so I would say it to them… and it’s just two letters switched. You know how kids are. Anyway, we had a good lunch. Also, if you’re wondering what I got my mom for Xmas… I got her exactly what she wanted… Peanut M&Ms and ammo for her gun. You’ll notice that the guns are a running theme for this Christmas for some reason. I have a redneck family.

After lunch, I met up with my brother at his house (where else?) and played with the niece & nephew for a bit as he tried to show me all the new games & gadgets that he had… and stuff on the internet. We also watched “Cowboys & Aliens” starring Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford & Olivia Wilde. For those of you who don’t know, it’s basically just what it sounds like… cowboys fighting aliens back in the Old West. However, if you attempt to watch it with my brother, which I did, he will tell you throughout the entire movie while you’re trying to watch it, that it’s based on true events… and there is evidence that even the outlaw Jesse James wrote in his journal that he shot at a flying demon bird and it made a “ping” sound when he did… and then he’ll go on to tell you that he believes we’re all experiments of aliens and such for several hours… even after you’ve asked him to stop talking a few times so that you can watch the movie. He means well… but has absolutely no social skills whatsoever. Oh… and the movie was actually better than I expected too… from what I could tell. I’d say check it out if you’re interested. It’s not award winning but… Bond & Indy are in it with a dash of Olivia Wilde.

Later that night was a movie that I was really excited about called “Drive” starring Ryan Gosling. From what I was told, it was a movie about a guy simply known as Driver (Gosling) going around on a vengeance-fueled killing spree, which sounded right up my alley for a guilty pleasure. However, it was nominated for awards… so I figured that was BS. Well, it’s about a stunt driver / mechanic / wheelman who gets involved in a robbery, the bad guys threaten a girl & her son who he met a few weeks earlier, and so then he goes around killing them. However, it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. There are very long-paused awkward conversations… the soundtrack is something out of Grand Theft Auto 80’s techno… but all in all, I enjoyed it for the most part. Not sure about a few things in the movie… and it’s VERY violent so make sure the kiddies are put to bed… and I have NO IDEA why the director is being tabbed to do “Wonder Woman” as his next project… but yeah, still a pretty good movie, though it does tend to drag a bit. I highly recommend it if you think you can stand that.

Friday

My aunt Faye babysat the kids so my brother, dad, stepmom & I went to see “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner & Simon Pegg. This 4th installment find Ethan Hunt (Cruise) and his team in the midst of an international incident where the Kremlin blows up… and they are disavowed. To clear their names, save their backsides, and keep the world from falling into nuclear war, they alone can bring down the bad guys. It’s an action movie… with plenty of intrigue & comic relief from Simon Pegg… so yeah, I’d say give it a shot… but anything else would give away about the movie.

That night was my Mom’s family Xmas party, which always boasts well over a hundred attendees (my mom is one of 17 kids… and they’ve pretty much all got grandkids by now) so it’s quite the spectacle. I met up with a lot of my relatives that I obviously rarely see… and it was good fun. I even got a pretty sweet present… Buck Shot Shotglasses. I told you guns would be a theme of this trip…

Later that night, my brother & I watched “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” starring James Franco & John Lithgow. The story is an extreme prequel to the “Planet of the Apes” series and goes into how apes came to take over Earth (spoiler alert if you’ve never seen any of the movie before). A young scientist (Franco) is trying to find the cure for Alzheimer’s to help his ailing father (Lithgow) and the rest of the world. When a few promising experiments go wrong, the company if forced to terminate the ape subjects… but he sneaks out a baby ape to raise & teach on his own, naming it Caesar. Caesar turns out to be supersmart thanks to the serum he’s been working on… but then the trouble begins. Caesar doesn’t want to be a pet. He also injured a neighbor who was messing with John Lithgow & was put in a horrible ape sanctuary or whatever… and basically, he tries to escape. Honestly, the movie was pretty f**king awesome. I really liked it. The subtle facial features of Caesar (portrayed by Andy Serkis from the LOTR trilogy & King Kong) and just the story in general was done very well. I highly recommend it.

Fun Fact: My brother said something that was basically a new “stupidest thing I’ve ever heard my brother say” award winner. Now, my bro has said some stupid sh*t in his life… and done even worse. Previous winner was a few years ago before he even had kids to watch, but basically just loafed at home all day. He once complained to me “Why doesn’t anybody hang out with me during the week when I have nothing to do?” My response was basically, “Ugh… seriously? Most people work during the week (you dumb bastard).” There have been stupider but that one always stood out to me. However, this one blew it completely out of the water. Okay… so after we watch the Apes movie, he says to me something along the lines of “You know, humans are actually the most like fish of any animal in the animal kingdom.” That statement paused me in my tracks. Read it again if you have to. My interest was peaked. “Wow. Please. Explain that to me.” He went on to tell me how we are like apes (only about 99.99% genetically), our skin is most like pigs, and a few other things having nothing to do with fish… so I asked him, “You realize… that you said that humans… are most like FISH, right? Like… fish… in the ocean? Not apes or pigs?” “Yeah?” “Okay, so how?” He went on to explain that because we swim in the ocean… THAT is why we are most like fish… because apes, pigs, dogs, reptiles, etc won’t go swim in the ocean or traverse somewhere outside of their habitat. “Well… not to burst your bubble, bro… but neither will fish. They just swim in the ocean… as do dolphins, whales… and seals & walruses when they’re not on the beach.” “Well yeah but… still… we’re most like fish because of that.” Sigh… your logic is flawed… and I honestly thinks that of all the animals in the animal kingdom, we are LEAST like fish. I gave you a chance to correct your response… but there you go. I don’t know, what do you think? Are we more like fish because… I don’t know, they’re the only other animal with schools? Even if the meanings are completely different? I worry for those kids sometimes…

Saturday – Christmas Eve

C-Rock came over with his daughter Sara, who I hadn’t seen in a probably four years. She’s nine now & lives in Texas with her mom, but was with her dad for the holidays. She seemed like any other nine-year old… playing with her Nintendo DS and such. It was great to see her though… and hang out with C-Rock for a while.

After they stopped by, my brother took me Xmas shopping for MY gift at Best Buy. He ended up getting me “Assassin’s Creed 2” saying that it’s a good game but he also bought “L.A. Noire” which is a detective game set back in 40’s Hollywood. We ended playing it for a few hours and it seems like a pretty cool game. You investigate crime scenes, get involved in a few shootouts, put puzzles together, drive nice old cars, read peoples faces to determine whether they’re being truthful or not (I’m much better than my brother at that aspect of the game BTW) but yeah, pretty cool for the first few levels that we played.

That night was my stepmom’s family party… and it was a lot like the usual… so I’ll spare talking about it & here are the pictures from the Nativity Story… enjoy…

Kairi as Mother Mary...

Vinny as an angel...

Family photo from a few years ago...

back when I had glasses apparently

Sunday – Christmas

Christmas night, I slept on the couch next to the Christmas tree… so the kids woke me up and I responded with “Oh my gosh! Where did all these presents come from? That Santa must be a ninja wizard of some sorts!” My mom & stepdad came down at 7 AM for Christmas at my brothers…

"Thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS!!! HOOOOOO!!!"

Then we went to my dad’s for Christmas brunch there at 10 AM with my stepsisters…

Then I went to my mom’s to finish up Christmas there with my Aunt Pat & cousin Alicia…

Quick question: Forget all the vanilla with a dash of pine...

but what exactly does Black Ice smell like? Death?

We also had a nice dinner with the family up at my mom’s… and that’s where I spent the night. I also got to read bedtime stories to the kiddies… and Vinny even got to snuggle with Uncle $teve which he was really excited about. I know that may sound weird… but hey, he’s a kid… and he loves his Uncle $teve. Ain’t no NAMBLA / Penn State stuff going on. Just good times with the family…

Monday

Lazy day up until we met up with Aunt Pat to take the kids to see “Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked” starring Jason Lee. The chipmunks are lost on a deserted island, the Chipettes are there too, and a crazy lady on a Cast Away kick… great for kids. Only really redeemable part was David Cross’ character Ian who is actually kind of funny at times. “Look, I once saw Snoop Dogg start a fire by rubbing two carrot sticks together, I think I know what I’m doing.” Yeah… chipmunks.

Later that night, I didn’t have control of the movie selection, so we watched some made for TV thing on Netflix called “Golden Christmas 2” which starred the mom from Wonder Years and a bunch of nobodys, though the main girl was hot (why she’s in the movie). Basically, it’s about some dogs, some people, a past relationship, they bump into eachother, “Is this fate?”, throw in a few teenagers, sage-like advice from old neighbors, “I should just tell him”, new fiance’s a b**ch, blah blah blah. You know how it ends… and I didn’t even tell you the story. What could possibly get this movie out of my head?

Yeah, I next picked the “He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special” which… so horrible… but it has all the usual ridiculousness of Christmas specials combined with the ridiculousness of the He-Man AND She-Ra cartoons… including Skeletor playing a Grinch… and a few Earth kids for good measure… and Santa Claus. Yeah, it’s what you would expect. Merry Christmas, Eternia!

Tuesday

The kids made me breakfast & then we painted...

I met up to have lunch with K-Fish at Taggart’s in Morgan again… great food & we caught up on the past few months. Then hung out with my brother for a few before meeting up for sushi with Lilie, the Mad Scientist & JL Clyde… again catching up on going-ons & enjoying some finely prepared culinary treats. I was even around for an electronic cigarette break that apparently lasts over an hour, unlike standard cigarette breaks… but simply a great day to catch up with friends before the new year. I really miss those guys & gals… but hey, it just means that we can visit each other when we get a chance.

Wednesday

We woke up & drove out to the desert for some shootin’ with my dad, bro & C-Rock. There were a plethora of weapons to choose from… and I honestly hadn’t fired anything in a decade… so yeah, good times… and apparently I’m a pretty good shot for a first time. Here are some pictures…

After that, it was basically the flight home through a disease ridden airport & being a little under the weather the past few days because of it. Yay! Anyway, that was Christmas. Big thanks to all of my wonderful family & friends out there for making this yet another exhausting & exciting trip!!! I miss & love y’all madly!!! See ya next year if not sooner…

Spongebob Squarepants: A Tale of Terror

2011-12-18T10:29:00.005-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

SUPER excited about my upcoming trip to Utah. I can’t wait to hand out presents & hugs like they’re going out of style. Don’t worry, I’ll take a few pictures here & there too so that you can enjoy the cuteness of my crazy family. Until then, just been finalizing everything for year end here in San Francisco… making sure my accounts are in order… you know, just doing my thing. Hasn’t been the best week at work… but hey, that’s what the weekend’s for. The worst part is… most of the drama associated with it… isn’t my fault. I’d feel differently if it were, like that I just need to do better & be better at my job. However, it’s not just me. Anyway, it’ll get settled. It’s just ridiculousness… and I need to cover my backside as always. F**king ridiculous… but speaking of which…

The other night, I watched a much anticipated addition to Netflix, “Snow White: A Tale of Terror” starring Sigourney Weaver & Sam Neill. There are currently two big budget Snow White remakes out there being produced as I’ve told you before… but this one was from 1997 and is a much darker & truer to the original Grimm tale retelling. How dark? Well, the opening scene… before the title is even shown… there is a horrible carriage crash, the driver is ripped apart by wolves, a very pregnant passenger is impaled, forcing her husband (Neill) to literally carve the child from her womb to save it… oh by the way, this movie is rated R. Okay, it’s not quite as gruesome as it sounds (more implied brutality off screen with a river of blood going through the snow) but still… it’s no Disney flick. Anyway, you may have guessed that this baby grows up to be Snow White… and the tale kind of follows the usual path from there. The evil stepmother (Weaver) is introduced… and she’s a wicked witch… and tries to kill Snow White… and she goes into the woods, meets up with miners (who only one of them is actually a dwarf), she ends up falling for one of them (as opposed to Prince Charming though he’s in here too), but the differences are a stillborn fetus that stepmother is trying to bring to life (including a scene of stepmother ridding her bedridden father for seed), dwarves… er, her seven companions dropping like flies in magical cave collapses, wind storms, window shoves, just not what you would expect… and I really enjoyed it. It’s a creepy completely different from the original remake & I recommend it for anybody looking for a little anti-wholesomeness kick. Sigourney does a great job… and I kind of see the producers of this movie coming up with this idea in the mid 90’s like “Dude, we should totally make a rated R Snow White!” “What… like a porno?” “No… but that’s not a bad idea either. Have you read the original Grimm children’s tales? Especially those German ones? They’re f**king DARK!!! People chopping off limbs & sh*t in Cinderella.” “F’real?” “Yeah… so we need to bring that to TODAY!!! Picture it… Snow White… but with lots of blood. We could get some badass chick to be the stepmother like ugh… I don’t know… OOH!!! The chick from Aliens!!!” “NICE!!! What about her dad?” “I don’t know… but it’s gotta be somebody who does a good crazy.” “Yeah… OOOH! I was having a crazy movie marathon with my buddies the other day… how about Sam Neill?” “The guy from Jurassic Park Sam Neill?” “No, the guy from Event Horizon & In the Mouth of Madness Sam Neill.” “Heeellll yeah, boy!!! When he freaks out on the bus… we need that guy in this movie…” Sad thing is… I’m probably not too far off. Anyway, check it out.

Thursday night was basketball with the work team, our last regular season game but I think we have playoffs next week. We played a pretty good game but as usual, I was the only big & we didn’t rebound well. I was also getting hacked the entire game and they called about a quarter of them. One guy seriously came down the lane like a f**king running back, I stood there with my hands up, he plowed into me (I may have a broken rib or two by the way) and nothing was called either way. Seriously? We ended up losing by 10 because they were hitting all of their threes with me cleaning up the paint as usual, but yeah… we’re optimistic for next season. Still… what hurts most about the game last night… isn’t that we lost a close game that we should’ve had… or that we have one win this year on a last second tip in… it’s seriously my f**king ribs. He hit right in the big ribs just below the sternum so they’re kind of free floating besides a little cartilage & the organs underneath. Elbowed him pretty good later on in the game grabbing a rebound… but it definitely wasn’t enough. Oh well, I’ll just be sore for a few days hopefully. Like I said, even IF they’re broken, it’s just a little bit at the end, nothing major. It was a good shot if he were a boxer. Anyway, enough of that… to the news…

A Third Crank? Really? – As you may know, some of my favorite guilty pleasure movies… are the two “Crank” movies starring Jason Statham. They’re just so bad that they’re good… and as long as you don’t look for a real plot or logic, they’re quite entertaining on a basic level. Well, even though the main character died at the end of the first one… to come back and wreak havoc yet again on the sequel… to (spoiler alert) literally flip off the audience as he burned alive to say “Yeah, you paid $12 a pop to see this crap in theatres” and now… there may actually be a movie to finish the trilogy. Director Mark Nevedine (who also brought you “Jonah Hex”) tells Empire that not only is a third "Crank" film being planned, they're trying to get "Luther" and "Thor" star Idris Elba in the next one. Nevedine and his cohort Brian Taylor recently shot "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" with Elba. Nevedine says "we joking-but-not-quite-jokingly joked about that with Idris while we were over in Romania and Turkey. Just trying to figure out a way of getting him into Crank 3. There are so many different ways that Crank 3 could go. We’ve been talking about the top 50 ideas we what to do for Crank 3, so we’re just trying to pair them down. By the way, Crank 3 is going to happen, the studios are really excited about it – it’s just all about timing." I don’t know what’s more unnerving honestly… that they’re going to make a third movie… or that they had a “top 50 ideas” of how they could do it. Time travel? Cyborg Chev? Is he a vampire? And yes… despite the last film's ending, Jason Statham WILL be back as Chev Chellios in this outing. How does the director / writer explain it? Simple. "With Crank, basically, you insert another quarter and you play the game again. It’s kind of like what thrills me and Brian, it’s whatever we feel like doing there in the moment, whatever we wanna do, we just do and make it happen. The important thing is what powers Chev. It was adrenaline that kept him alive in the first one, it was electricity in the second one, you know, it’s all about what will keep him alive in the third one. It’s just fun slinging those ideas around." So what powers him in the third? Is it nuclear power? Solar power? Coal? Love? Chicken grease? The Force? Ecstasy? Critical reviews? Tebowmania? Only time will tell. In the meantime, you get to see their latest film for the halls of history… the Ghost Rider sequel. I forget, does this one still have vampires in it? Oh wait, no… they switched it to the Devil instead of Dracula. And I seem to remember hearing that the Highlander is in it too… okay, so just Christopher Lambert but still. Wait, maybe that’s it!!! Chev Chelios… is the Highlander!!! It makes perfect sense now. He’s yet to be decapitated. You’re welcome, Nevedine / Taylor! No go forth & screw up my brilliant idea…

Give Into the Dark Side – Speaking of the Force, police in Portland, Ore, were alerted to a disturbance (in the Force?) Wednesday night after a man allegedly went on a rampage with a plastic light saber at a local Toys R Us store. After fielding a 9-1-1 call, police officers made their way to the scene, only to find that the attacker had left the store and was continuing his assault in the parking lot. And according to the local police report, the situation only became stranger after that: “Officers arrived and attempted to take the suspect into custody but he continued to swing the light saber and was yelling incoherent statements (“Who is Jar Jar? Mos Eisley? Is that in Iran, sir?”). One officer attempted to use a Taser but it was ineffective. A second officer used a Taser which made good contact but the suspect used the light saber to break one of the wires.” Yes, that's right: The attacker used his light saber to deflect two Taser blasts. The police officers were eventually able to subdue the 33-year-old man, who has not yet been named publicly. Portland Police Sgt. Pete Simpson said that none of the victims of the light saber attack needed medical attention. The light saber has carved out quite a place in American popular culture. The infamous "Star Wars kid," was one of the Internet's first memes and even President Obama flashed a toy light saber on the White House lawn… but it’s obviously rare to see a Jedi rampage like this outside of YouTube. By the way, where’s the video? You know there has to be. Everybody has a video phone nowadays. A little something to brighten up your day… the image of police officers taking down a Star Wars nerd gone berserk.

Keanu Update – A few months ago I told you about this… but now it’s official. Keanu Reeves has obtained funding for "Man Of Tai Chi", the bilingual martial arts feature which marks his directorial debut for Universal Pictures, Wanda Media, Village Roadshow and China Film Group reports Reuters. Tiger Chen plays a young martial artist whose fighting skills bring him "to a realm of vast opportunities and painful choices." Reeves will play the villain and says the aim is to do a "good, solid kung fu movie". Filmed in both Mandarin and English, the project contains EIGHTEEN fights which tally up to around forty minutes of combat. Shooting begins in Beijing with additional filming in Hong Kong and Macau. Fun fact: Apparently Keanu knows kung fu too… and I can only dream of a day where he’s matched up against the great Fu Manchu… played by Nicolas Cage. It would truly be epic. Say what you will about Keanu… but he’s a method actor… but he still doesn’t have sh*t on this guy…

Lincoln Update – So apparently there was a photo released the other week of Daniel Day Lewis taking a break from playing the titular role on Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln" biopic. At the time a lot of people were commenting about how well the actor was made up to look like the famed former U.S. President. It turns out… that wasn't make-up. "That's not actually his Lincoln beard, that's just what he looks like right now. He wasn't in hair, makeup, wardrobe, or anything when that picture was taken. He had just gone out that evening, he was just having dinner, and someone snapped a photo of him. But doesn't he look like Lincoln in blue jeans? I had friends who called me going, 'Oh my God, oh my God, it looks like Lincoln!' It's pretty remarkable when you look at that photo, and you say, 'Oh my God, he really embodies Lincoln,' because he does" producer Kathleen Kennedy told The Playlist during promotion for "The Adventures of Tintin" and "War Horse". Kennedy also confirmed that with the film focusing on the last few months of Lincoln's life and the pushing of the 13th Amendment through Congress, there will be "no war scenes, we're not doing the Civil War." Instead they are "primarily basing the story out of Washington" with many scenes being shot in the antechambers of the capitol building in Richmond, Virginia which will double as the White House and Congress. The point of this story… nobody can hold a candle to Daniel Day-Lewis when it comes to method acting. The man goes all in. In fact, I’m pretty sure that in preparation for “There Will Be Blood” that he bludgeoned a guy to death in a bowling alley. His agent refused to comment… but that also means that he didn’t deny the claims. Anyway, super excited about this flick… and have been for several years. I forget, is Harrison Ford still playing Andrew Johnson? I know Sally Field is still in as Mary Todd Lincoln & Tommy Lee Jones is in it somewhere. Good times!

Apocalypse Update: Ocean Farts – For years, I’ve been telling you how the end will come via snakes… but there’s a new twist. Russian scientists have discovered hundreds of plumes of methane gas, some 1,000 meters in diameter, bubbling to the surface of the Arctic Ocean. Scientists are concerned that as the Arctic Shelf recedes, the unprecedented levels of gas released could greatly accelerate global climate change. How does this happen? Igor Semiletov of the Russian Academy of Sciences tells the UK's Independent that the plumes of methane (a gas 20 times as harmful as carbon dioxide) have shocked scientists who have been studying the region for decades. "Earlier we found torch-like structures like this but they were only tens of meters in diameter," he said. "This is the first time that we've found continuous, powerful and impressive seeping structures, more than 1,000 metres in diameter. It's amazing." Semiletov said that while his research team has discovered more than 100 plumes, they estimate there to be "thousands" over the wider area, extending from the Russian mainland to the East Siberian Arctic Shelf. "In a very small area, less than 10,000 square miles, we have counted more than 100 fountains, or torch-like structures, bubbling through the water column and injected directly into the atmosphere from the seabed," Semiletov said. "We carried out checks at about 115 stationary points and discovered methane fields of a fantastic scale — I think on a scale not seen before. Some plumes were a kilometer or more wide and the emissions went directly into the atmosphere — the concentration was a hundred times higher than normal.” What does it mean? Well, Mother Earth has gas. Lots of it… and she’s letting it loose. Now, this may be good in a sense that she’s letting off a little steam the old fashioned way… through her anus (aka Russia). But then again, it may mean that there’s a lot of pressure within Mother Earth her… and that may mean a lot of these gaseous emissions… and possibly volcanic activity & tectonic shifts. Just a theory… but I guess just be careful out there.

On A Lighter Note – Since I can’t leave you on a downer like that, let’s talk about the recombination of two comedic legends. Jim Carrey is set to star with Steve Carell in the comedy "Burt Wonderstone" at New Line reports Deadline. Set in the world of rival Las Vegas magicians, Steve Carell plays half of a once-successful Las Vegas magic duo who reunite to square off against a rising hot-shot street magician (Carrey). Really? Jim Carrey is a younger hotshot in this movie? Interesting. Also, Olivia Wilde (“Tron: Legacy”) and Steve Buscemi (“Reservoir Dogs” & “Boardwalk Empire”) are the latest to join the rival magician comedy. Wilde will play Carell’s love interest, who at first is his assistant but later works for Carrey (the tramp!). Wilde's casting isn't yet locked with several other actresses reportedly on standby in case negotiations fall through. Buscemi will play Carell’s longtime friend and partner who quits the act. Don Scardino directs from a script by Chad Kultgen, John Francis Daley, Jonathan Goldstein and Jason Reitman. Shooting kicks off in January. Think of “The Prestige” meets “Dumb & Dumber” but… in Vegas. Sounds like a perfect storm to me.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Again, really excited about the Christmas vacation back home with the family… so I’d better start thinking about packing. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Eccentric Cat Lady

2011-12-14T19:57:00.008-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty chill. I did a little running around on Saturday and then went into full spring cleaning mode with the house for a bit. It was kind of in need of it… and besides, I’m full of surprises for my roommates. First the backyard, then Tannenbaum 2: Electric Boogaloo, then clean dishes several times a week, and now freshly cleaned & vacuumed floors and some organizing of various stuffs throughout the apartment. With that… and a friendly bonus from work, and some Christmas shopping for others & stumbling upon a good deal… I rewarded myself with a new TV upgrade in my bedroom as well. It worked out REALLY well this Sunday when it was cold & rainy outside and I wanted to watch my NFL with the projector lamp burned out… but my new 32” flat screen works just fine. MUCH better than the previous 27” tube TV that I won at a raffle ten years ago… so I think I’ve gotten my use out of it. Merry Christmas to me!!!

To test out the new TV, I first watched “Source Code” starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan & Vera Farmiga. The story is about a soldier named Colter (Gyllenhaal) who wakes up in the body of an unknown man on a commuter train… talking to a beautiful woman (Monaghan) and has no idea why. The train blows up… and he awakens from it like a dream… but is now in a lab talking to another soldier (Farmiga). The government has technology that can implant a person into somebody’s last eight minutes of memory… and they have used it to place this soldier into a world based on that memory to find the terrorist who blew up the train in order to prevent future attacks. It’s a very interesting concept… but a little far-fetched? Maybe. It’s actually a pretty fantastic flick that I would highly recommend though. Some of the methods used by Colter were questionable in deducing who the bomber was… but hey, it makes for more drama that way. Check it out…

Next up was “The Devil’s Double” starring Dominic Cooper. This was a movie that I heard about a few months ago at its release & was REALLY excited about. It was touted as “this generation’s Scarface” and stuff like that… but that’s just marketing. The plot is the true story (with some touches for the movie) of Latif Yahia, an Iraqi soldier in the late 80’s who was recruited by Uday Hussein, son of the dictator Saddam Hussein, to be his faday or body double… as they famously did to avoid assassination attempts, perform civil duties, etc. When I say recruited, it’s not like he was given a choice either. Basically he was asked, refused, then thrown in prison… then told if he didn’t do it, then his family would be raped & murdered. Basically from there, he becomes the body double… but soon realizes that Uday is basically insane… and he wants to get away from this life… but how? They own him. It’s actually a pretty chilling tale of not only life in a dictatorship, but just the awkward situation of playing decoy to one of the most hated individuals in the world… and the performance by Dominic Cooper as both Uday & Latif is actually quite remarkable. I would highly recommend this flick from director Lee Tamahori (“Die Another Day”, “The Edge” & “Mulholland Falls”).

Sunday night was the 2nd round of the playoffs and we played the #1 team in the tournament. Our gameplan was very similar to last time, a kind of ameobic zone on defense where I took control of the middle and the other four played the three point line because they were full of shooters. Also, get back on defense so there’s no transition points. Rebound everything that you can with both hands & watch for hacks at the arms (they love to do it & rarely get called). On offense, work it into me & I’ll pop out when they crash, attack the basket with the ball if you can. The strategy actually worked pretty well… and if we had hit our shots a little better, it would’ve been a really good game. Alas, we lost by ten or twelve in the end… but it was to a great team. I swear, now that we’re coming together on D & forming some kind of strategy, if we can just run a few plays on offense instead of just one-on-one ball, we may have a pretty good team. Another big might work out well too… but yeah, you can’t teach tall.

Sunday night after ball was “Our Idiot Brother” starring Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Rashida Jones, Adam Scott & Steve Coogan. Yeah, pretty good cast for an independent flick, right? Opening scene: The titular character (Rudd) plays the ultimate nice guy and hooks a guy up with some weed… even though he’s a uniformed police officer. Needless to say, he goes to jail for a quick bit. When he comes out, he’s kicked out of his vegetable farm by his girlfriend and needs a place to stay… so he goes to his mother & three LOVELY sisters who are all involved with their own personal lives of housewife (Mortimer), journalist (Banks) and superhot lesbian comedian (Deschanel… with ladyfriend Jones… rrrrrrr…). Anyway, the story goes from there as he gets involved in a web of lies and is the ultimate nice guy through it all… but still gets into shenanigans. It’s actually a pretty hilarious little flick. I recommend it. Great movie about being there for your family & just taking life as it comes. Kind of like… if the Dude had super hot sisters instead of his bowling buddies.

How to Get Time Off Work – You’ve all thought about it. You don’t want to go into work on a beautiful day. How can you get out of it? Well, you can call in sick… but what if you don’t have sick days? “Boss, I can’t come in today.” “Why not?” “Well… because… my… my mom passed away. I just don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to come in today.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. Don’t worry about work today… or tomorrow for that matter. You just handle her affairs, go through the grieving process, and of course bring in a copy of the obituary for HR on Wednesday.” “Alright thanks… wait, what was that last one?” Well, a 45-year-old Pennsylvania man has been charged with a crime after publishing a fake obituary of his own mother in order to get time off work. It sounds like the sort of unfeeling stunt worthy of "Seinfeld" character George Costanza, but Scott Bennett has been charged with disorderly conduct after sending in the fake obituary to the Jeffersonian Democrat newspaper, which then ran the story. Democrat editor Randy Bartley said the obituary was accepted in good faith, even though his staff had been unable to confirm the funeral arrangement details as of press time. And to paraphrase the famous Mark Twain line, reports of the woman's death were greatly exaggerated. Bennet's mother was, indeed, the whistleblower in the case, placing a series of calls to Bartley and Democrat staffers, insisting she was in fact still alive. But like any good journalism outlet, the Jeffersonian Democrat needed more facts. So Ms. Bennett showed up to the paper in person to prove her existence. Yes… this is how dedicated they are to the facts. Bartley said that, all things considered, she was "very understanding" about her own falsely reported death. Police Chief Ken Dworek says Bennett wrote up the memorial notice because he didn't want to get fired for taking time off… but didn’t consult his mother obviously. Oh what a tangled web we weave…

Downer Alert: Don’t Text & Drive - A 19-year-old pickup truck driver involved in a deadly highway pileup in Missouri last year sent or received 11 texts in the 11 minutes immediately before the accident, federal investigators said Tuesday. The driver sent six texts and received five texts, with the last text just before his pickup traveling at 55 mph crashed into the back of a tractor truck, beginning a chain collision. The pickup was rear-ended by a school bus, which in turn was rammed by a second school bus. The pickup driver and a 15-year-old student on one of the school buses were killed. Thirty-eight other people were injured in the Aug. 5, 2010, accident near Gray Summit, Mo. Nearly 50 students, mostly members of a high school band from St. James, Mo., were on the buses heading to the Six Flags St. Louis amusement park. The accident is a "big red flag for all drivers," NTSB chairman Deborah Hersman said at a meeting to determine the cause of the accident and make safety recommendations. It's not possible to know from cell phone records if the driver was typing, reaching for the phone or reading a text at the exact time of the crash, but it's clear he was manually, cognitively and visually distracted, she said. "Driving was not his only priority," Hersman said. "No call, no text, no update is worth a human life." Amen! The board is expected to recommend new restrictions on driver use of electronic devices behind the wheel. While the NTSB doesn't have the power to impose restrictions, its recommendations carry significant weight with federal regulators and congressional and state lawmakers. Missouri had a law banning drivers under 21 years old from texting while driving at the time of the crash, but wasn't aggressively enforcing the ban, board member Robert Sumwalt said. "Without the enforcement, the laws don't mean a whole lot," he said. Investigators are seeing texting, cell phone calls and other distracting behavior by operators in accidents across all modes of transportation with increasing frequency. It has become routine for investigators to immediately request the preservation of cell phone and texting records when they launch an investigation. In the last few years the board has investigated a commuter rail accident that killed 25 people in California in which the train engineer was texting; a fatal marine accident in Philadelphia in which a tugboat pilot was talking on his cellphone AND using a laptop… while allegedly driving the boat; and a Northwest Airlines flight that flew more than 100 miles past its destination because both pilots were working on their laptops. Seriously? Sh*t is real. The board has previously recommended bans on texting and cell phone use by commercial truck and bus drivers and beginning drivers, but it has stopped short of calling for a ban on the use of the devices by adults behind the wheel of passenger cars. The problem of texting while driving is getting worse despite a rush by states to ban the practice, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said last week. In November, Pennsylvania became the 35th state to forbid texting while driving. About two out of 10 American drivers overall — and half of drivers between 21 and 24 — say they've thumbed messages or emailed from the driver's seat, according to a survey of more than 6,000 drivers by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Does that scare the sh*t out of you too? And what's more, many drivers don't think it's dangerous when they do it — only when others do, the survey found. At any given moment last year on America's streets and highways, nearly 1 in every 100 car drivers was texting, emailing, surfing the Web or otherwise using a handheld electronic device, the safety administration said. And those activities spiked 50% over the previous year. The agency takes an annual snapshot of drivers' behavior behind the wheel by staking out intersections to count people using cellphones and other devices, as well as other distracting behavior. Oh it gets better too. Driver distraction wasn't the only significant safety problem uncovered by NTSB's investigation of the Missouri accident. Investigators said they believe the pickup driver was suffering from fatigue that may have eroded his judgment at the time of the accident. He had an average of about five and a half hours of sleep a night in the days leading up to the accident and had had fewer than five hours of sleep the night before the accident, they said. The pickup driver had no history of accidents or traffic violations, investigators said. Investigators also found significant problems with the brakes of both school buses involved in the accident. A third school bus sent to a hospital after the accident to pick up students crashed in the hospital parking lot when that bus' brakes failed. However, the brake problems didn't cause or contribute to the severity of the accident, investigators said. It apparently was just part of this perfect storm of f**kups. Besides, they’re slashing budgets for schools nationwide so it’s bound to happen with routine maintenance first. Another issue involved the difficulty passengers had exiting the first school bus after the accident. The bus' front and rear bus doors were unusable after the accident — the front door because the front bus was on top of the tractor truck cab and too high off the ground, and the rear door because the front of the bus had intruded five feet into the rear of the first bus. Passengers had to exit through an emergency window, but the raised latch on the window kept catching on clothing as students tried to escape, investigators said. Exiting was further slowed because the window design required one person to hold the window up in order for a second person to crawl through, they said. It was critical for passengers to exit as quickly as possible because a large amount of fuel puddled underneath the bus was a serious fire hazard, investigators said. Painting a picture yet? Please… do NOT text while driving. Holy sh*t, I can’t say it enough. At least when you’re drunk you’re watching the f**king road most of the time instead of concentrating on a 2” screen that you’re probably trying to keep down so that the cops don’t see anyway. Just don’t f**king do it. This concludes our PSA for today… oh wait, one more story about technology f**king things up…

Tweeted Off – TMI can usually be a bad thing. How bad? An Arkansas man who was sentenced to death for the murder of a 17-year-old boy… has had his conviction overturned. Why? A juror tweeted about pending deliberations--and the poor quality of courthouse coffee. In granting a request for the convicted 26-year-old defendant in the case, Erickson Dimas-Martinez, the Arkansas Supreme Court also found the verdict had been compromised when one of the jurors fell asleep in court. The offending tweets by juror Randy Franco did not discuss specific details of the case, but the judge had specifically warned jurors in advance and in writing, "Just remember, never discuss this case over your cell phone. And don't Twitter anybody about this case." Ladies & gentlemen, that’s what our society has been reduced to. When judging one of our peers on the basis of murder, we feel it’s necessary to shoot a text to friends or feel that somebody cares about the coffee… and we have to have responsible people warn us not to do it… in a courtroom… and in writing. Franco had taken to his Twitter account to announce that "the coffee here sucks"--and in another tweet protested by Dias-Martinez's defense team, he quoted a song lyric, evidently from a Christian metalcore band: “Choices to be made. Hearts to be broken . . . We each define the great line.” Franco--whom court documents only discussed as "Juror 2"--was not thrown off the case. But his tweeting did catch the attention of lawyers and the judge. "Juror 2′s tweets about the trial were very much public discussions," Associate Justice Donald Corbin wrote in the decision overturning Dimas-Martinez's conviction. "Even if such discussions were one-sided it is in no way appropriate for a juror to state musings, thoughts or other information about a case in such a public fashion. Most mobile phones now allow instant access to a myriad of information. Not only can jurors access Facebook, Twitter, or other social media sites but they can also access news sites that might have information about a case." In the case's appeal, the state Supreme Court found that Franco had violated instructions to not discuss the case in any manner, including through social media. Janice Vaughn, one of Dimas-Martinez lawyers, said that the ruling was "not about your right to tweet or be on Facebook. It's about protecting the right of the person who may end up behind bars or end up losing a significant amount of money in a civil case." In the opinion summary of the appeal, the Arkansas Supreme Court wrote: "Because we conclude that the one juror sleeping and a second juror tweeting constituted juror misconduct, we reverse and remand for a new trial." In addition to approving the request for a retrial, the Arkansas Supreme Court has indicated it will also review the question of whether jurors should be permitted access to mobile phone devices during trials. Wow… just wow…

Jolie Nerdgasm – Speaking of wowey wow wow… Angelina Jolie is in serious talks to star in an untitled big budget dramatic thriller to be written and directed by Luc Besson ("Leon: The Professional," "The Fifth Element") for his EuropaCorp says Deadline. All that's known about the film is that its rooted in true scientific elements and shooting would kick off next spring. Negotiations are already underway with a studio for domestic distribution. Jolie would shoot the film before she teams with Ridley Scott on his historical biopic about Gertrude Bell (writer & world traveler who helped to bring Iraq into the modern world at the turn of the century). Jeffrey Caine is currently rewriting that script. Jolie also has Disney's "Maleficent" and Fox 2000's film based on Patricia Cornwell's Kay Scarpetta novel series. So in short… we will get to first see Ms. Jolie in a historical biopic… then as a superhot superevil sorceress in a Disney flick… and then we FINALLY get to see her with some guns kicking some ass in a Luc Besson movie… and involving true scientific elements… which I’m not really sure what the context is… whether it’s elements like oxygen, lithium, xenon, etc or if it’s about quarks, time travel, cold fusion, inertia, or something like that… but still Luc Besson makes everybody a super badass. It’s true. Look at what he did with a preteen Natalie Portman… or a wafey supermodel like Milla Jovovich... and Jason Statham’s career. Fun fact: “Taken” super badass Liam Neeson is going to be 60 years old this year… and Luc gave his career a revival in action. Anyway, I’m obviously excited about it… but we’ll see when details are confirmed / released.

Eccentric Cat Lady – Everybody knows that when you’re rrrrrrrrich, you cease to be crazy & become eccentric. Well, a 4-year-old stray cat that was rescued from the streets of Rome has inherited a $13 million fortune from its owner, the wealthy widow of an Italian property tycoon. That’s right. A household pet has a million times more assets than you do. Question: How does that make you feel? Answer: Sh*tty. Maria Assunta left the fortune to her beloved kitty Tommaso when she died two weeks ago at the age of 94. The feline's newfound riches include cash, as well as properties in Rome, Milan and land in Calabria. Repeat: This pussy owns land… and piles of cash… and you have a Playstation 2. As her health began to fail two years ago, Assunta, who had no children, began to seek out a way to see that Tommaso was properly cared for after she died. In November 2009, she bequeathed her entire estate to the alley cat that she'd rescued. Initially, Assunta had instructed her attorneys to "identify an animal welfare association or group to which to leave the estate and the commitment of looking after Tommaso," according to the Daily Telegraph. Unable to find a satisfactory association to see to it that Tommaso was loved and cared for (REALLY? Not even for $13 million?), Assunta decided to leave all her money to the cat via her nurse, Stefania, who cared for her until her dying day. Her last name has not been disclosed (as it would soon become mine if it were). "She had become very fond towards the nurse who assisted her," Anna Orecchioni, one of the lawyers, told Il Messaggero newspaper. "We're convinced that Stefania is the right person to carry out the old lady's wishes. She loves animals just like the woman she devoted herself to right up until the end." Stefania told the Telegraph that she had no idea the woman that she was caring for was so incredibly wealthy. "The old lady suffered from loneliness. She looked after that cat more than you'd look after a son. I promised her that I would look after the cat when she was no longer around. She wanted to be sure that Tommaso would be loved and cuddled. But I never imagined that she had this sort of wealth," she said. "She was very discreet and quite. I knew very little of her private life. She only told me that she had suffered from loneliness a lot." Tommaso and Stefania, along with another cat, are living outside Rome at an address that is undisclosed, so to avoid con artists and potential kidnappers. "We have gotten lots of email messages from candidates who wanted to adopt the little Tommasino," the cat's lawyer told ABC News. The windfall for Tommaso places him No.3 on the list of wealthy pets, behind Kalu the chimp, whose owner left him $80 million, and top dog Gunther IV, a German shepherd who inherited $372 million from his father, Gunther III, the beloved companion of an eccentric German countess. Real estate magnate Leona Helmsley famously left $12 million to her little dog Trouble, although her human descendents contested, and Trouble's pot was cut to $2 million. Obviously this was nothing compared to the fantastic German lawyers who upheld Gunther III’s claim to $372 million. Cheese & rice!!! I love pets… but this is kind of ridiculous. It does however… bring up a pretty good point.

Loneliness makes you do some crazy sh*t. One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling lonely (oh yes, it happens) is to think about what I would do with copious amounts of money. Like… lotto money or signing bonus for a teenager with potential in the NBA type money. Honestly, I don’t need the $15 million villa on the coast or anything like that. I’m a simple man with simple pleasures. I’ll randomly ask people from time to time “What would you do with $10,000?” Obviously it’s not a whole lot of money… but you get some interesting responses… especially if you make them think about it. Pay off student loans, college fund for kids, get out of debt, buy a car that doesn’t break down every month, outstanding medical bills, the answers typically fall under the generalization of “Get out from under the Man a little bit.” Follow that questions up with adding another zero to make it $100,000 and you start getting answers like buying a house, starting a small business that they have a passion for, startup for an invention idea, take some time off to write the next great American novel (or Italian or Chinese because I roll international) and answers more like that to become independent. Add yet another zero to a cool million… and that’s when you start getting answers like buying a Ferrari & traveling the world forever like it’s a permanent vacation. What’s my point? Were I Oprah rich, I would definitely consider giving money to friends, family & loved ones if they could convince me that it was for a good idea or a good cause. Now if my brother comes up and says he wants to use it for a super badass computer… “Why?” “So that I can play games with a great connection and…” “Let me stop you right there. How would this benefit you & yours?” “Oh ugh… I’d also use it to get a degree in computer programming… or something?” “Okay… so what about schooling for that? Have you looked into it?” “Not really.” “Maybe you should & get back to me.” It’s my money… I’ll turn it into an assignment if I want. Sh*t ain’t free. Anyway, why am I getting on this point? Many of us have plans for copious amounts of money… usually involving ourselves and our loved ones.

However, what if we don’t have loved ones? What if its just you… and your money? Sure, people want to hang out with you all the time to get some of that secondhand benefits of money… but you have this sneaking feeling that they only hang out with you because you’re rich. They don’t want to know the real you. Sure, ditzy supermodels chill by your pool after heating it up on the boudoir… but are they really with you… or just doing it for your lifestyle? You travel to your homes in Malibu, Capri, Martinique, Sanya, Sharm El Sheikh, Nice, St Moritz, wherever… but they always seem empty & unfulfilling. You long for a sense of true connection… and come up wanting because you no longer trust people that you didn’t know before the money… as those that you do pass on one-by-one… until you’re completely “alone” with your money. Then one day, you find a stray cat on the Spanish Steps… and you take it home… and you finally feel that sense of connection that you’ve been longing for so long. You feel your own time is drawing near… and you have this vast wealth that you simply can’t take with you (or I guess you could but… that would seem even more ridiculous… and then you have to worry about grave robbers). So you leave it to your loved one… that stray cat Tommaso. Doesn’t sound quite so crazy now… just sad, terribly terribly sad. The point of this rant… is that Life is about Love and building strong relationships with your family & friends and those around you, not about money (though it’s nice to not have to worry about it). Just something to think about during this holiday season when you’re around those important to you. Make sure that they know they’re important to you. You may think it goes without saying… but it’s always nice to hear it every once in a while, right? Have a great day everybody!!!

Tannenbaum II: Electric Boogaloo

2011-12-09T21:32:00.006-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a fairly slow few days. Though I did further establish my place as coolest roommate alive by get a lovely new Christmas tree & set it up the other night. The former fake tree was sacrificed to the plastic Gods when I moved out here. It had been used for 8 Christmases though… including that one year when I decided to leave it up for the entire year because it was great lighting in my Utah apartment… so it was due for retirement. Please observe & behold… Tannenbaum 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

Monday night, I watched “Season of the Witch” starring Nicolas Cage & Ron Perlman. The story is set back in the times of the Crusades & the Black Plague… and the people of Europe are dying all over the world. After losing interest in slaughtering peoples of the Middle East, two deserters of the Crusades (Cage & Perlman) head back to Europe… only to be recognized as deserting soldiers & given an ultimatum – Deliver an alleged witch to a church stronghold… or go to jail. Needless to say, they chose jail & died shortly after of the plague. The end. Of course that’s not the end, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. So they choose to deliver the witch… but they soon find out that this little girl does indeed seem to have supernatural powers. Could she really be a witch? Or possibly something more horrific? (Dun dun duuuuuh…) Anyway, I enjoyed it. The movie was a lot better than I was expecting (horrible reviews & the Nicolas Cage’s recent willingness to do anything for money) but it was pretty good. Best part: If you have Netflix, you can watch it RIGHT NOW on demand. By the way, if you’re not into the movie say… 15-20 minutes in, then you can just turn it off… and you’ve only lost 15-20 minutes of your life. Technology is awesome!

Oh… and funny thing. Remember how I replaced the lamp on my projector a few weeks ago when my dad was visiting? Well, apparently it has burned out again. The previous bulb lasted over 6 years… and this one lasted about 6 weeks. What the f**k? So yeah, another week or so until I get a replacement… and I would say that I may miss my NFL… but then again, I have NFL Sunday Ticket… and a PS3… and a TV upstairs (though it’s a 27” tube TV that was considered old when I got it for free 10 years ago… but it works). I just got everything hooked up last night so I haven’t ventured the Sunday Ticket yet (by the way, the bedroom has a ridiculous amount of cables in the way right now) but I’ll keep you posted… because I know you care, right?

Basketball last night was pretty horrible. We were pretty close the first half… but then we just got blown away in the second half. Why? Well, I only had two points (even went 0-for-4 from the free throw line… when they decided to call fouls which wasn’t long). They also had three bigs in the entire game… and again, it was just me & everybody else was about 5’6” & I can’t guard them all. They were also just simply a pretty good team. I think they finished 2nd last go around… but yeah, it got pretty embarrassing towards the end… because our guards couldn’t hold onto the ball & I don’t even think I touched it more than twice in the second half other than defensive rebounds & blocks. Oh well… next week is another game… and round two of the playoffs on Sunday with my other team.

Ridin’ Dirty - A naked and drunk motorist sped through central Moscow last month, crashing into 17 cars before being stopped by police who chased him across a large part of the capital, state television said. Go ahead & read that last sentence… step by step… to get the full image. "When police made him open his door, it became clear he was completely naked," said state TV, showing lines of cars with shattered windscreens and battered sides. Local media said the man, who appeared to be in his 40s, was from Moldova and showed a picture of him grinning in the back seat of a police car (so he’s a happy drunk). State TV said preliminary tests showed the driver had an "abnormally high" level of alcohol in his system. Please take into account that this is a Russian television station… saying “abnormally high” levels of alcohol in his system. TV pictures showed distressed drivers with bloodied hands and faces sitting in their cars, but police said there were no serious injuries. "The most dangerous part was when he almost hit a bus full of school children," police spokesman Gennady Bogachev told state TV, adding that four of the 17 vehicles were police cars. This is what happens when you let people in their forties play video games for the first time. They don’t know how to react. They have a bit of vodka & then they try to rack up a high score on “Grand Theft Auto: Moscow” but in real life. Thank goodness this drunken idiot didn’t hurt anybody though. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it… literally over a hundred times on this blog over the years… don’t drink & drive. Period. And for God’s sake, put some pants on. Hey ladies, what’s cooler than being cool? Russia in November. Alrightalrightalrightalrightalright…

Robocop Update – Okay, so it’s not exactly an update on the reboot in the works (or the statue in Detroit) but "Robocop" star Peter Weller is joining the cast of JJ Abrams’ "Star Trek" sequel in what is described as a principal (but unspecified) role reports Deadline. Weller joins the returning cast members along with the already set Alice Eve (“She’s Out of My League”) and Benicio Del Toro (“Traffic” & “Snatch”) with production to begin early into the new year. Fun fact: Weller has actually been a part of the 'Star Trek' universe before. The actor played a xenophobic factional leader determine to expel all aliens from our solar system in two episodes of "Star Trek: Enterprise" in 2005. So what does this mean? Well, nothing really other than Peter Weller’s going to be the in movie… and Benecio del Toro is allegedly NOT going to be KAAAAAAAAHN so then really what’s the point of the sequel? I’m sure it’ll still be good… and maybe it’s all Hollywood gossip to throw people off & KAAAAAHN’s wrath will be a part of it. We shall see.

Starship Troopers Reboot? – Say what you will about director Paul Verhoeven, but the man has made some guilty pleasures over the years… and Hollywood recognizes it. They've remade "Total Recall", they're working on a reboot of "Robocop", now a third Paul Verhoeven film is about to get another go around - "Starship Troopers". Yes, yes, I know… please calm down. I know… this is simply the greatest news you’ve heard since the Berlin Wall coming down. Producer Neal Moritz is looking into a reboot of the 1997 sci-fi cult classic and have assigned "Thor," "X-Men: First Class" and frequent "Fringe" writers Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz to do the script according to Vulture. Based on a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, Verhoeven's film followed a futuristic military unit as they progress from recruit to infantry to ranking officers against the backdrop of an interstellar war between mankind and a giant arachnoid species known as "the Bugs". Really no more explanation or elaboration on that is needed… and thank God because I had a lot of questions as a kid. The film boasted impressive Oscar nominated visual effects, gory violence, healthy doses of male and female nudity, a cast of young unknowns with oodles of sex appeal, and a tone that blended war-time action with an often campy skewering of fascism - the latter irony seemingly lost on some critics and viewers at the time. Hmm… speaking of unknowns, I wonder what Casper van Diem does when he’s not starring in sequels of this series. I mean… it can’t pay too well. Does he have a day job? Anyway, point is… “Would you like to know more?” Of course you would. Love that flick… and now it gets a reboot. The question remains though… Can new versions of his three other Hollywood films be far behind? Could the next Sharon Stone be recast for “Basic Instinct: Beginnings”? Could a new group of Hollywood hopefuls careers be shat down the toilet in a “Showgirls” reboot? Mmm… could the timeless beauty of Elisabeth Shue & the most deliciously named man in the industry Kevin Bacon be involved in another “Hollow Man” sequel? Only time will tell… but will there be time?

Apocalypse Update – As you know, the inevitable apocalypse is almost always at the forefront of my mind… with the exceptions being distractions by shiny objects, catchy tunes & the female form. It is also well known that I’ve documented stories supporting my theory that the apocalypse will not come with a horrific explosion… but rather a slither as snakes lead an army of animals against us. Well, here’s yet another story of them possibly coaxing humans to assist them in their world domination. A snake charmer in India released 40 poisonous snakes, including a number of cobras, onto the floor of a Government Land Registry Office to protest the delay of a new land permit. The UK Guardian reports that the man, reportedly named Hakkul (yes, only one name… like Cher or Socrates or Beavis), also accused bureaucrats in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh of demanding bribes for his land application: "I am a conservationist and have been seeking the government's help. Having waited patiently for so long, I had no option but to leave all my snakes in this office," Hakkul told the Telegraph. Clearly he had no other choice. Simple freedoms like this are what we sometimes take for granted in America. Is the DMV taking too damn long with your registration? SURPRISE! Now you’ve got a snake infestation to worry about too. Why don’t you just gimme my sticker please? Anyway, the story goes that he said he received promise of a land permit two years ago so that he would have a place for his snakes to live. Fun fact: Despite their world-famous reputations, snake charmers are actually illegal in India, which is why the government says it has continued to delay Hakkul's request. In fact, the Indian government recently began implanting some snakes with tracking devices in order to protect them from what critics say is a cruel and inhumane practice. It’s a practice similar to when a farmer in Humboldt County asks for a land permit for growing a marijuana field… and so the institution delays the process until they at least pretend that it’s for growing corn or wheat or something. "He had applied for a plot of land to keep his snakes," Subhash Mani Tripathi, the head of land-revenue administration, told the AFP. "But there is no provision for such a business. Instead of seeking a written reply, which we would have issued, Hakkul created panic by letting loose a bunch of snakes all over the office." No one was hurt after Hakkul released the snakes, which were eventually captured by forestry department officials. So what do you think? Was Hakkul just a man at the end of his rope & without the proper BS’ing skills to say that he was going to create a snake sanctuary as opposed to place for his illegal practice (kind of like saying that you need a building permit for a brothel as opposed to women’s shelter)? Or has he formed a traitorous allegiance with the serpents in order to gain favor when they rule? Or did the snakes charm him? Or did the mighty Cobra Commander implement a microchip into his brain, controlling his actions? Whatever the sssssituation may be, sssssh*t issss getting real. So please watch yourselves out there…

Anyway, that’ll do it for this entry. Did a lot of my Christmas shopping online… and I’d love to share what I got people… but I’m sure a few of them actually read this thing… so maybe another day. Damn, can’t believe it’s almost 2012 already. I’d better get thinking about the 2011 $tevie Awards too. Such a busy time of the year, right? Oh… and apparently we have basketball back soon. I’ve actually already bought a few upper bowl tickets for when the Spurs come to play the Warriors on my 31st birthday in April. It should be awesome. However… I’m not sure what the hell is going on with the Chris Paul being traded to the Lakers move getting vetoed by the league. Can they really do that? It seemed to me that all three teams involved were getting a pretty sweet deal… hence why they all agreed to it. The Hornets got a sh*t load of good players & a good draft pick in exchange for a guy who is only going to play (disgruntledly) for one more year anyway. Then the commissioner stepped in & said they couldn’t do it… because he’s going to the Lakers? I think that’s what he’s saying? Regardless, the three teams are now threatening to sue so I hope it’ll be overturned & go as planned as it should be… but whatever. They’re all rich as hell anyway. It’s just a horrible way to start this new era of basketball after the lockout with more chicken sh*t stuff… and you know I don’t care for the Lakers… I’m just want the Hornets to get something for very little… and the integrity of a team managing itself to be upheld… but I digress. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

What Is Good In Life?

2011-12-08T15:56:00.006-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… you may have noticed from the 6-7 entries finally getting posted in the last few days… but my roommates & I are now proud owners of an internet connection again!!! It only took a month after starting the process (must be a California thing). Also, the backyard is has the basic framework established now… and come spring time, I can start with clearing up the patches of unwanted plant life amongst the wood chips and make it look all HGTV. Observe…

Let’s see… what else has been going on lately? Oh, I’ve actually been dominating & therefore winning a few basketball games with my respective rec teams. On Thursday, my work team & I won in the final moments despite a really sloppy game on our part. I played pretty well scoring half of our points… and after a while they tried doing a whole Hack-a-Shaq kind of thing… until I hit 9-out-of-10 from the line… and then the referees just stopped calling fouls. Regardless, we won on a tip-in in the closing seconds followed by a defensive stop that I called. See, they had this guy who all he did was the LeBron James Crab Walk or whatever it’s called, where he basically just barrels into the lane against the guy guarding him & then goes up strong & shoots drawing the foul. He had been doing it the whole game… but because I was help defense, I would block the shot, but the foul would always be called regardless. So I basically told my team with 7 seconds on the clock that’s what he was going to do… and just do a toro kind of thing to let him slide by when he drops his head… and when he comes up, he’ll be disoriented because he won’t hit anything, there will be no foul called, he’s already picked up his dribble… and he had to face me blocking his shot. Needless to say, they listened… and that’s exactly what happened. We won. Celebratory drinks after the game at Final Final.

On Sunday, it was the playoffs with my other team (that we’ve one once since May). We knew that we were going against a team that likes to beat you on the fast break & just ran a little motion offense (played them before a while back). With that in mind, we devised a strategy that everybody liked & could easily execute. We did a zone on defense with me in the middle because there was no way that they were going to bring it within the three point line… and if they did, then all the other guys had quick hands to deflect outlet passes and start the fast break the other way. Also, that meant a lot of three-point attempts… to long rebounds… to fast breaks for us the other way. On offense, we wanted fast break first… but if they scored (rarely did) or we had to slow it down, it was basically agreed that I would post up low right from the start & if I was single covered, then they’d dump it into me for a quick shot (usually a layup or hard foul sending me to the line). When they started doubling me & the passes weren’t coming in, then the plan was that they were just going to pop a three & I should just establish good rebounding position & keep their bigs out. It worked like a charm… and we ended up leading by 25 at the half & winning by about 35 against a team ranked higher than us. Oh… and we only had five guys so we played the whole game. Next week is round two of the playoffs. Good times.

We’re at just about two weeks until my holiday trip back to Utah to see the family & friends. Now is the time to schedule an appointment as I’m quite the popular guy… but I’ll be there the full week, which is great. The parents are excited to see me… as well as my niece & nephew. They chatted with me over the weekend & they were talking about making cookies with me & the like. They’re such sweethearts. Anyway, aside from that, it was a pretty standard week. Got involved in a little fiasco at work but… whatever, apparently I’m not perfect & I didn’t cover my a$$ so… yeah, lesson learned. Here are a few movies that I saw though…

First up was “Unknown” starring Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger & January Jones (“Mad Men”) as well as directed by Jaume Collet-Serra (“Orphan” & “House of Wax” oddly enough). The story is about a man (Neeson) who awakens from a coma after a car accident to find out that some one has taken on his identity & that no one, not even his wife (Jones), believes him. Who else could he be? He has no identification, no cards or other information that would help him. How do you prove who you are when not even your own wife believes you? Why doesn’t she? Are the doctors right? Maybe it’s a side effect from the coma… but then who am I? I can only be this person. The movie does a great job at putting you in the state of mind that… maybe… the guy isn’t who he thinks he is. The evidence is stacked against him… maybe he just hit his head really hard. However, that would make for a pretty boring movie… possibly independent, though a good one. So with the help of the taxi driver from the car crash (Kruger), he sets out to find answers. I would highly recommend this movie… especially if you like mystery thrillers with a healthy dose of action.

Next up was “Super 8” starring… a bunch of kids really. Kyle Chandler (“Friday Night Lights” TV series) was in it but it’s mostly kids… and directed by JJ Abrams (“Cloverfield” & “Star Trek”). Set in the summer of ’79, this group of small town teenage kids are out filming for their own zombie flick… when all of a sudden there’s a horrific train crash that they witness. Searching through the rubble, they run into one of their respected townspeople & he gives them an eerie warning… and then the military comes in to immediately clean up… and basically, there’s a mystery to be solved. That was on the train? What did the guy mean? Why is the military shutting down the city? Of course, only this band of young’uns can help save the day. It’s pretty much “Cloverfield” meets “The Goonies” in a way… and I really liked it, being an aspiring filmmaker myself (but with no initiative… or friends really). The way that it was done too was pretty good so that all ages could watch it… though it does get a little intense so maybe only desensitized children should check it out. Oh… and there’s a teenage love story. Sell that to the ladies in your life…

Saturday, my roommate & I watched “30 Minutes or Less” starring Jesse Eisenberg, Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride & Nick Swardson… and directed by Ruben Fleischer (“Zombieland”). This raunchy comedy is about a pizza delivery guy named Nick (Eisenberg) who has a bomb vest strapped to him by a pair of idiotic criminals (McBride & Swardson) and instructed to get them $100,000 by the end of the day… or explode. How do you get that kind of money in a day? Rob a bank, of course. So he asks his friend Chet (Ansari) to help him out in this crazy quest… and hijinx ensue. Of course, I really liked this movie because it involves bank robbing… and it’s just hilarious… and there are even great cameos by Fred Ward & Michael Pena. I would highly recommend it. Though I kept having trouble figuring out why the guy who made Facebook needed to rob a bank… but once you get past that, it’s pretty good. HAHA!!! “Social Network” reference… and I’m easily amused.

Sunday night was watching the “Conan the Barbarian” reboot starring Jason Momoa (“Game of Thrones”), Stephen Lang “Avatar”), Rose McGowan (“Planet Terror”) & Rachel Nichols (“GI Joe”)… and directed by Marcus Nispel (“Pathfinder” & reboots of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” & “Friday the 13th”). Based on the comics, it chronicles the story of a young barbarian named Conan (Momoa) from a savagely gifted young boy whose father is killed by an evil warrior bent on world domination through a magic crown (Lang) and his sorceress daughter (McGowan). His life from then on is to find his father’s murderer… and of course be the most badass barbarian there is. Twenty years later, he finally finds out where he is & oddly enough it’s about the time he runs into this “pure being” (Nichols) who is the key to his father’s murderer unlocking the power of the crown & controlling the world. Now… I’m pretty sure that I’ve told you this… but I’m a huge fan of the original. Why? It was the real start of the Governator. Also, think about it… barbarian is in the title… so what better way to tell his tale then basically having a narrator (in this case, the one & only Morgan Freeman) setting the stage of this fantasy world for the first 30-45 minutes… and basically all you hear the barbarian say is grunts & shouts during fighting & training sequences and the occasional “CROM!” or other one liners? It was PERFECT in its simplicity. How simple was it? The aforementioned dialogue or rather lack thereof, the main character wanted nothing to do with a love interest, he was there to do one thing & one thing only – To crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and to hear the lamentations of their women. Well… I’m a little old fashioned, so I like stories to be well established and THEN go into the action or conflict… but that doesn’t work for today’s audiences. Start off with blood, guts & nudity… with a healthy dose of CGI & keep it coming. Throw in a tale of vengeance & a love interest with a happy ending… and boom, you’ve got a movie. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just saying it’s the norm… and an effective one. That being said, I enjoyed this movie even though it was pretty predictable. However, I enjoyed the original movies much much more. For the reasons already stated… and honestly, do you remember the scene before Conan’s big battle?

“Crom! I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. That’s what’s important. Valor pleases you, Crom; so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen… then to HELL with you!” Seriously, that gets me more riled up than a Ray Lewis pregame speech. Yes, even better than Tebowing. Anyway… maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s the whole anti-hero aspect of Conan. He’s not doing it for good or justice or all the oppressed people of the world. He’s doing it for himself. He’s doing it for vengeance. He’s just getting his dad’s sword (legacy) back. He’s not a complicated man. Or a simple man. He’s a barbarian. Pure & simple.

Panda Update – Speaking of pure & simple, I thought that I would end this entry with the latest installment of panda cuteness. A pair of pampered giant pandas arrived in Scotland on Sunday to a reception of cheering and flag-waving crowds while British officials said the 10-year loan of the bears by China strengthened ties between the two countries. Tian Tian and Yang Guang (whose names in English are Sweetie and Sunshine) arrived at Edinburgh airport after flying in from Chengdu, Sichuan province, and were later greeted at Edinburgh zoo by around 450 people waving Chinese and Scottish flags. "Scotland's relationship with China is hugely important and the pandas represent a fantastic opportunity to deepen our business, cultural and diplomatic ties," said Scotland's Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. Since the 1950s, China has given away pandas as gestures of goodwill in what has come to be known as "panda diplomacy." Modern China gave its first pair of giant pandas to Britain in 1974. British Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: "I know that a huge amount of work has gone into securing their loan and they will be a great showcase for UK-China links in science and research." Afforded a reception worthy of a state visit, the bears' journey on a private plane was no less extravagant, with four crew members, two attendants, one veterinarian and a cargo handler among the retinue. Ahead of the flight, veterinarian Tang Chunxiang said he was worried about the pandas' nerves and fear of flying. "They might get air sick, they may get a bit dizzy on the plane," he said. "...if there is any problem, we have brought some simple medicine." Glenfiddich, I’m guessing. Visible through clear containers after being unloaded from the plane, the bears appeared nonplussed by the fanfare, one munching on food calmly as a photographer snapped away nearby. The eight-year-old pair, raised at the Giant Panda Conservation and Research Centre in Ya'an, Sichuan, will become Britain's first pair of breeding pandas in 17 years. Iain Valentine, director of conservation and research at the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland, was pleased that five years of negotiation with the Chinese authorities had finally paid off. "This is the exciting bit, this is the bit I have been waiting for a very long time," he said. Tian Tian and Yang Guang will not go on display at Edinburgh Zoo for at least a week, until they have settled into their new surrounds. They will remain there for 10 years, after which they, and any young they have, will be returned to China. Edinburgh Zoo said that, as part of the loan deal, it would pay $1 million (637,105 pounds) a year to China, 90% of which would pay for conservation and genetics research. Yeah, you read that right… a million per year just to lease them. The zoo will also have to find up to $100,000 a year to provide around 18,000 kg (almost 20 tons) of bamboo shoots, most of which will come from a special nursery outside Amsterdam (tehehe, it’s funny cuz it’s true). Considered a national treasure, the giant panda is seen as having come back from the brink of extinction, but remains under threat from logging, agriculture and rapid urbanization. There are an estimated 1,600 living wild in China, almost all in Sichuan. Around 300 are in captivity around the world, the vast majority of them inside China. Pandas are notoriously difficult to breed because females ovulate only once a year and can only become pregnant during a two- or three-day period. Also, most males have little to no idea what they’re doing… which is where my invention of panda porn over six years ago has really helped out… but that’s not the point. The point is… if you’re ever checking out Edinburgh (which you definitely should) then now you can see a panda too. Probably wearing a dress & bagpipes if you play your cards right.

Anyway, that’ll end it for today. Oh… except to mention that the University of Utah will be playing Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl… but in the Kraft Hunger Bowl, which I have tickets for on New Year’s Eve Day, instead we will get UCLA against Illinois. I’m a little disappointed because I would much rather see the U & G-Tech’s triple option… instead of two teams with a combined losing record & no coaches... but whatever. I also don’t have to go to El Paso to see it. I can take a 30 minute bus ride. Have a great day everybody!!!

Watching Football with $teve

2011-12-03T18:30:00.007-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As mentioned in a previous post, I thought I'd share with you a few hours on a typical Sunday afternoon watching football with the great $teve... and from time to time his superhot roommates. Anyway, hope you enjoy...

NFL Football Log - Sunday, November 27, 2011

11:00 AM - I started the NFL Red Zone Channel around 11 AM because I was doing yardwork... but my backyard is now somewhat presentable. Not completely done... but not going to put fine touches on until winter's over. Besides, it's easily to just let the weeds die out from exhaustion than to pull them. Take that you thorny f**kers!!! Anyway, these are just thoughts that I had watching the games for a few hours... a few fun facts from my years of being a nerd... and there are a few topics that I'll throw in for your own reflections or discussions with loved ones. Enjoy!

11:00 AM - Jared Allen is a backup long snapper? Damn! That's a lot of money to pay for a backup special teams guy...

11:04 AM - Houston Texans has the best play action in the league as Leinart throws a TD to Drucker. Why do I mention it? Commentator says that Kurt Warner calls it the "best naked game" in the NFL.

11:04 AM - Broncos QB Tim Tebow is Kurt Warner without the hype? Think about it. They both had unexpected success with their teams & great starts to their careers... with pretty firm Christian values. But Tim Tebow is one of the most heralded college quarterbacks of all time... while a few weeks before Kurt Warner hit the scene, he was bagging f**king groceries in Iowa. Think about it.

11:06 AM - Why do so many cornerbacks have big ass dreadlocks? Is it because they're all under six-foot and going up against guys with 6 inches on them... so they think their hairstyle will help? Or just to cover up their name so that we don't see that they get burned? Discuss.

11:10 AM - Best strategy for Jets to win right now: Get it out of Sanchez's hands? Run, run, run, interception.

11:12 AM - Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick: Does he dress as a Leprauchaun for Halloween every year or just most years? Discuss.

11:12 AM - Colts winning? Or lose on purpose? They already have a two game lead on the Luck Sweepstakes & they're playing the Panthers. They've got a lead right now... but that's why they play the game.

11:12 AM - Fun fact: Two players on the Colts were on the 0-16 Detroit Lions team from a few years ago. Former pro bowl caliber linebacker Ernie Sims... and a record holding for horribleness quarterback by the name of Dan Orlovksy.

11:12 AM - As my roommates have said, Colts quarterback Curtis Painter has the prettiest hair in professional football.

11:12 AM - Fun fact: If Curtis Painter doesn't win today, he's probably going to be bench for the afforementioned Dan Orlovksy... which is unfortunate because he was raised in Indiana, played college ball at Purdue (in Indiana if you don't know) & was Peyton Manning's backup forever... and could be Andrew Luck's backup forever more. Sounds like a dream to me...

11:13 AM - Did Stevie Johnson just shoot himself in the leg for an endzone dance? Sigh... does he really think that's going to bother Plaxico? That guy's been to jail. Though I admire the hilarity of it... you're just being an ass for no reason... and I like you Stevie. Stop it!

11:14 AM - Injured Colts TE Dallas Clark on sidelines talking with NASCAR champion Tony Stewart. Still think NASCAR's a real sport? Just look at Tony lean back when he has to look at Dallas in the eyes... and then remember that Dallas is considered an "undersized" tight end. I rest my case.

11:15 AM - Kicker celebrations... really? Discuss.

11:15 AM - Fun fact: YouTube "Bill Gramatica celebration" after discussing previous point

11:15 AM - Mom called to discuss Christmas... I miss her terribly sometimes

11:31 AM - Cleveland Browns are leading the Cincinnatti Bengals. Will it last? Probably not.

11:31 AM - Fun fact: Injured Browns RB / Madden Curse victim Peyton Hillis was the THIRD string RB in college at Arkansas... behind current Raiders RB Darren McFadden & Cowboys RB Felix Jones.

11:32 AM - Announcers just confirmed that Stevie Johnson was mocking Plaxico... twenty minutes later... as Plaxico scored a go-ahead touchdown on the subsequent drive. Smooth move, ex-lax...

11:37 AM - Everytime that I see Rams QB Sam Bradford this year, I know that something horrible is about to happen for the Rams.

11:42 AM - How did the Arizona Cardinals beat the Eagles? The Rams are just as bad... but one of these teams has to win the game. God forbid it should go to overtime and be settled by a rookie's punt return for a touchdown again. They're both just so horrible.

11:42 AM - Fun fact: As horrible as they are, they could still beat the Eagles. WTF?

11:45 AM - Arizona lineman's last name... Hadnot. Bet that guy has now...

11:45 AM - Who the f**k is TJ Yates? Answer: He's the guy taking over at Texans QB for Matt Leinart. That was a quick comeback...

11:47 AM - GASP! Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick alleged called his 6'5" 330 pound center "fat" in an interview. It must be tough filling an entire football game with meaningless banter...

11:50 AM - Texans RB Chris Johnson finally got a nice fat contract... and has sucked all year. He seems to be doing okay today though. FINALLY!!!

11:51 AM - Pouha is fun to say "Poo-HA!!!"

11:51 AM - Whenever somebody mentioned injured Bills RB Fred Jackson... I feel compelled to sing he & his teammates' names like I'm Jamie Foxx on "Slow Jamz" for some reason... "Freddie Jaack-sonnnn... Stevie John-sonnnn... "

11:53 AM - I've seen three fumbles in the past 35 seconds on the Red Zone Channel... and Vikings RB Adrian Peterson isn't even playing. I'm perplexed.

11:55 AM - Just realized with that thought... that they haven't mentioned the Vikings / Falcons game in over an hour on this channel. It must REALLY be boring...

11:55 AM - YEESH!!! Just say a fat guy roll on a teammate's leg (Browns game)

11:56 AM - HEY!!! Vikings / Falcons are near the red zone...

11:57 AM - Bucs DB Aqib Talib just returned an interception for a TD... and then did this dance that I've seen a LOT over the past few weeks where... I don't know if they're eating a bowl of cereal (Wheaties?) or rolling an old video camera or what. What are they doing?

11:58 AM - We have a Jeremy Shockey sighting! He's now playing for the Carolina Panthers... and he just fumbled.

11:58 AM - While in Vegas last week, Jackie D & I used the term "Garcon!" to a point of severe irritance to people if they would've heard our drunk asses. Why do I mention it... because Colts WR Pierre Garcon just caught a pass.

11:58 AM - Fun fact: Garcon means boy. Discuss.

12:00 PM - The Colts have linemen with the last names of Saturday & Diem (Latin for "Day"). All they need to do is work out some trades to get guys with last names like Geburtstag, Tuesday & Christmas to make the greatest offensive line EVER!!! And yes... Mr. Tuesday's nickname would be "Fat" and he would be celebrated for WEEKS in New Orleans every year... with parades.

12:04 PM - Titans lineman Eugene Amano just caught a deflected pass

12:04 AM - Big guys running with the football & fat guy endzone dances are both rare & awesome. Discuss.

12:06 PM - Browns QB Colt McCoy was a four-year starting QB at the University of Texas... and he also has the most absolutely perfect name for a gunslinging QB from Texas - Colt McCoy. Go ahead & TRY to think of one better. "Tex... Holliday?" That may be the only possible competition.

12:07 PM - So... remember earlier when I said that horrible Rams / Cardinals game might end on a rookie's punt return again is a totally sarcastic manner? Sigh... apparently I'm the Nostradamus of sh*tty football because the same guy (Patrick Peterson) JUST did it again. He has four return TDs on the year now.

12:07 PM - Is Cardinals DB Patrick Peterson the next Devin Hester? Discuss.

12:08 PM - Quarterback slides. Discuss.

12:08 PM - Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just got a touchdown with a deflected pass. Luck of the Irish?

12:09 PM - Bucs RB LaGarrette Blount is a BEAST!!! He's bursting through the line, hurdled a DB earlier in the game... oh... and now he just fumbled. Just when I was about to forget completely about him punching that Boise State player after their game back in college a few years back.

12:12 PM - Speaking of Boise State, rookie WR Austin Pettis just had a nice catch

12:12 PM - Speaking of BEASTS, former U of U / current Panthers WR STEVE SMITH IS (when healthy & motivated)!!!

12:13 PM - Another Jeremy Shockey sighting, he just had a nice catch... and then... did he just go Three Stooges? "Woowowowowwowowo..."

12:14 PM - A few Bengals receivers just made some nice plays and were pointing to the names on the back of their jerseys. Don't they know that it's about the name on the front of the jersey? It's a team sport. Also, don't they know that half of their team has been in a jail cell on more than one occasion? That's not cool.

12:18 PM - Bengals redheaded rookie QB Andy Dalton allegedly doesn't care for the nickname "The Red Rifle". Too f**king bad, because it's probably going to stick whether he likes it or not. I just say embrace it, rookie.

12:22 PM - The Vikings just threw a TD pass to WR Percy Harvin on 4th & 13 - That takes two things to happen: A feeling of nothing to lose... and BALLS!!!

12:24 PM - Are the Colts packing it in for the season? Discuss.

12:25 PM - Right on queue, Colts WR Reggie Wayne makes me look like a foolish a-hole with a great TD play

12:27 PM - The Browns / Bengals game now has NINE turnovers... and it's far from over...

12:28 PM - Every time that I see Titans K Scott Bironas line up for a field goal... my only thought isn't that he holds the NFL record with 8 field goals in a single game... but rather "M-m-m-myyyy Bironas!!!" to the tune of "My Sharona". There may be something wrong with me.

12:30 PM - Is there anything better than a kicker or punter actually making a tackle? Colts P McAfee just did. Discuss.

12:31 PM - Deuce break (meaning I went #2)

12:37 PM - Jackie D just text me about pictures from our Vegas adventure

12:40 PM - Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez is AMAZING!!! I know I've mentioned it before... but seriously...

12:40 PM - OMG!!! Rams QB Sam Bradford just got a TD!!! He did something that wasn't horrible!!!

12:47 PM - Cardinals RB Chris "Beanie" Wells just went over 200 yards? Really? Oh... he is playing the Rams...

12:48 PM - The Colts might actually win? They're down by 4 with 1:12 left

12:48 PM - This channel is chaotic when almost all the games are close with 2-4 minutes remaining...

12:49 PM - Damian Williams just a TD... and is doing that cereal / film rolling dance. What does it mean? Or is he just mocking Aqib Talib?

12:50 PM - Oh... right on queue, the Colts just threw an interception in the end zone (rather nice play by the Panthers though). They're still winless. Now the real question... will Dan Orlovsky come in and finish out the perfectly horrible season?

12:54 PM - Plaxico just made a nice one-handed catch. Oh... and Sanchez just threw his 4th TD pass of the day making my earlier statement look rather foolish. In my defense though, he was f**king up pretty bad earlier.

1:00 PM - Titans RB Chris Johnson just finished with 190 rushing yards. By far his best performance since his big contract signing.

1:01 PM - Bills WR Stevie Johnson just dropped a wide open TD pass. Karma's a f**king b**ch sometimes, ain't she?

1:02 PM - WHOA!!! Ryan Fitzpatrick just PLOWED that guy to get out of bounds to stop the clock. Good for him!

1:03 PM - Bad snap, Browns K Phil Dawson just missed a go-ahead 55 yarder for the Browns. Wah-waaaah...

1:05 PM - That was quick! Bengals WR AJ Green just got them down to the 2 yard line after the missed field goal.

1:07 PM - The Karmic circle is complete! The Bills just lost on an incomplete pass as time expires.

1:09 PM - Benglas K Mike Nugent just kicked the game-winning FG for the Bengals.

1:12 PM - Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski is one of my favorite players. Why? I remember him at Florida State... and he would make some serious tackles. He also has the body of a professional bowler, but can kick the piss out of football. Maybe that's why the late great Raiders owner Al Davis took a kicker in the first round for the first time since... well, ever? He's been in a few barfights... and I'm pretty sure that the other guy looked worse afterwards. However, I also see him as the kind of guy that seems like he's chugging beer on the sidelines and would kick a 50-yarder with a smoke in his mouth. I just like the guy.

1:12 PM - Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski & P Shane Lechler are the best pair of kickers on any team in NFL history. Argue... if you dare get in a discussion about kickers.

1:16 PM - QB Vince Young is starting for the Eagles. Just thought I should mention it...

1:16 PM - The announcer just used the terms "Tebowmania" & "Tebow-tastic" and I'm a huge fan... but it's just not necessary

1:17 PM - Also unnecessary, the San Diego Chargers' baby blue uniforms. Come on now...

1:19 PM - WOOOO!!! Vince Young just threw a bomb to WR Riley Cooper!!!

1:19 PM - Fun fact: WR Riley Cooper was Tim Tebow's college roommate at the University of Florida.

1:20 PM - RB LeSean McCoy just scored a TD! Fun fact: The Eagles have won 5 of their last 7 against the Patriots.

1:21 PM - TE Fred Davis just got a TD... and then did the cereal / film rolling thing. Seriously, what the f**k does it mean? Whatever happened to Tebowing?

1:22 PM - Chargers K Nick Novak just hit a career long 53 yard FG. Yay for kickers!

1:23 PM - F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!! I don't hate the guy... and he hasn't even done anything to me personally yet... I just feel like it has to be said. Why does he get to be so f**king perfect? The only bad thing that I can say is that he left actress Bridget Moynahan ("The Recruit" & "I, Robot") when she was pregnant... but even then, he left for f**king Gisele Bundchen... and they have kids now... and he still seems like a great guy. F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!!

1:24 PM - Patriots RB Benjarvis Green-Ellis - He has four names in my opinion...

1:27 PM - Surprise, surprise! It looks gloomy as hell in Seattle...

1:30 PM - Vince Young is 3-for-4 passing for 124 yards & a TD so far. Note to self: Check back later in the game to see how he's done since this moment.

1:37 PM - Announcer just said that "(Seahawks) have to burn one!" He's talking about a timeout... but you know what I'm saying...

1:42 PM - Patriots WR Wes Welker is so small that he should be an Eagles WR

1:43 PM - "Benjarvis Green-Ellis is a heavy runner" - Explanation given to that statement moments later: Though he's only 215 pounds, he hits with a "thud"... as opposed to a bonk or sparkle?

1:51 PM - Bears QB Caleb Hanie is making his 1st NFL start. So far in 8 pass attempts, he has three completions to the Bears... and two to the Raiders. Not good.

1:54 PM - Why not have out-of-work WR play as DBs? They're about six inches taller, right? Or is that just a though shared by only myself & Patriots coach Bill Belicheck? Discuss.

2:00 PM - WR Deion Branch just embarassed the Eagles secondary

2:06 PM - Why are the Oakland Raiders ALWAYS the most penalized team? Discuss.

2:12 PM - Seattle DB Sherman just did a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag... and for some reason, that irks me a little.

2:14 PM - I just heard that Broncos QB Tim Tebow has yet to complete a pass (0-for-4)

2:14 PM - Laundry break - Public Service Announcement to my roommates (and possibly most women of this generation): Please clean out the lint trap on the dryer. It's not that I don't mind doing it... but it's so that, for example, if I'm gone for a few weeks on vacation, or forget to one time, the motor won't overheat or the lint won't catch on fire & burn the apartment down. I know it's a long shot... but it happens... and I want you to be safe out there. Besides, it's a f**king lint trap. It's not like we're asking you to change the oil in the car or clean the rain gutters or do some landscaping or something.

2:21 PM - I got back just in time to see WR Wes Welker embarass the Eagles secondary

2:22 PM - Injured Bears QB Jay Cutler was just shown on the sidelines as I'm sure he will be throughout the game. He looks even more like a pouty b**ch when he's not wearing his helmet...

2:27 PM - Fun fact: QB Caleb Hanie's wife is hot (trust me, no photo to share but she was on TV)... and so is the redheaded chick next to her... not sure of relation.

2:28 PM - I called the screen pass that the Raiders just picked off.

2:33 PM - Uh-oh! It just showed that Janikowski has made 22 FG's in a row w/in 40 yards. That's usually a jinx. Whew... made it. MVP!!!

2:35 PM - Chargers DB Quentin Jammer may have the perfect name for a DB... except maybe Picky McStuffington or something.

2:36 PM - TEBOW TOUCHDOWN!!! He did a pump fake to a screen pass off the option... and that seems to always leave somebody open for the bomb down the field.

2:36 PM - Announcer: "Just tell him (Tebow) that it's the 4th quarter all the time!" Surprisingly good point...

2:37 PM - Red Zone Channel Halftime Show music - I don't know it... but I know that I don't like it...

2:41 PM - WOO!!! Eagles held Patriots to a FG on their 2 minute drill. Small victories...

2:42 PM - RZC Announcer about Riley Cooper's big catch earlier - "Tim Tebow's roommate... that's his name. Even his parents don't call him Riley Cooper." Nice!

2:45 PM - The boos have started in Philadelphia. Maybe they should just punt on 3rd down?

2:46 PM - RZC Announcer just used the term "BT" meaning Before Tebow. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more crazy for the Tim Tebow - Jesus Christ comparisons... this happens.

2:47 PM - Texans RB Arian Foster's TD dance is always the same... a simple bow with hands together. I like it. It shows respect for the Game.

2:53 PM - HUNGRY? Cereal / film rolling TD dance = Hungry? Really?

2:56 PM - The Washington Redskins now have a turnover in 25 straight games, the longest streak in the NFL. TAKE THAT, RACISTS!!!

3:01 PM - Patriots RB Danny Woodhead is Rudy with skills

3:07 PM - Broncos safety Brian Dawkins sighting! Sigh... I miss him being an Eagle.

3:07 PM - Right on queue, Patriots WR Wes Welker gets a TD against the Eagles

3:11 PM - There's a controversial pass interference call involving Seattle WR Mike Williams & Washington DB Josh Wilson. Announcer Jim Mora jr won't stop saying "awful" and "ridiculous" in regards to it.

3:17 PM - Game Break with commentator James Brown - "Remember when the Eagles had a 10-0 lead?" F**k you, JB!!!

3:20 PM - Patriots WR Julian Edelman is now playing DB. Belichick & I are f**king geniuses.

3:23 PM - The Raiders had 1st & goal at the 9 yard line... now it's 3rd & goal at the 26. Janikowski just made his 6th FG. MVP!!!

3:26 PM - Bad 4th down pass from Vince Young (the boos rain down)

3:31 PM - Seattle Seahawks have won 16 consecutive games with a lead at the end of the 3rd quarter. I think the Eagles have lost 5-6 consecutive games with that same stat...

3:33 PM - Seattle WR Golden Tate's TD celebration - Trust fall? Either that or a snow angel in Seattle... which is just worse.

3:34 PM - Field goal by Bears kicker Robbie GOOOOOOOOOULD!!!

3:40 PM - They just compared Jim Mora jr's college picture to David Cassidy

3:40 PM - "Best movement since the opening drive" Tehehehehe...

3:42 PM - Redskins RB Roy Helu just hurdled a guy & made it a ball game

3:47 PM - Mortal weapons cannot stop Tim Tebow!!! Only holding penalties...

3:49 PM - "FIRE!!! ANDY!!!" - Really, Philly fans? And replace him with who? Mick???

3:50 PM - Patriots TE Ron Gronkowski TD!!! Sigh... F**K YOU, TOM BRADY!!!

3:58 PM - Broncos WR Eric Decker has saved the savior (Tim Tebow) once again

4:01 PM - I just saw Broncos RB Lance Ball & Chargers DB Quentin Jammer on the same replay. The result: Their jerseys read "Ball Jammer"

4:01 PM - Fun fact: I have the same mental synapses as a 13-year old nerd...

4:04 PM - For some reason, we're looking at Redskins QB Rex Grossman's ass... and Nurse just said, "That's an interesting shot!" I believe they're trying to get a shot of his injured thumb as his hand is resting on his hip on the sidelines... but still... it is what it is.

4:10 PM - Tim Tebow just led a drive that ended in a game-tying FG. Womp womp!!!

4:16 PM - ONSIDE KICK!!! - Bears DB Tillman just hit a dude in the face. KAPOW!!!

4:26 PM - Bears QB Caleb Hanie just trying to do a fake snap, pass downfield in the final seconds... but apparently he was the only one that knew about it as the receivers stayed still. So then he spiked the ball to stop the clock... and was called for intentional grounding. OOPS!!!

4:28 PM - Replay of Bears WR #12 Brown "I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN DAMMIT!!!"

4:46 PM - Angelina Jolie is on "60 Minutes"? Hmm... I'm still not watching... though I admire your effort.

4:48 PM - Tebow & Broncos RB Willis McGahee just ran them well within FG range, K Matt Prater lines up... game over... Tebow is 5-1 as a starter. Thank you & God bless...

4:50 PM - Discussion: If a game ends in a tie after overtime. How should the win/loss be settled? Ties are for p**sies!!! I'm thinking arm wrestling... or some kind of full contact battle between one chose warrior from either team. Though my roommates brought up the great idea of... Red Rover. What do you think would work best? Discuss any options that come to mind.

That concludes today's ledger... as I don't care for the night game at all. I hope you enjoyed it... and if not, I'll be back soon with more nonsense that you may enjoy. Have a great night everybody!!!

What Happens In Vegas... Hammertime!!!

2011-12-03T13:55:00.024-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been yet another busy week where I feel like I’ve done so much… but still haven’t done anything (yard work, Jeep registration, career progression, etc). Anyway, when last I left you, I was on my way to Las Vegas to break Jackie D into the Quarter Century Club… Vegas Style!!!

Wednesday – After work, took a shuttle to the airport & flew out to Vegas, met up with Jackie D & her crew at the Cosmopolitan, and this was the official birthday so we headed out for some drinking. First stop was ROK at New York New York, which as you might have guessed… was pretty dead on a Wednesday night, but that basically just meant that we had the dance floor to ourselves & ladies drinks were free while we were there. After a while there, we went to Nine Fine Irishmen for some Guinness and tunes, then to Coyote Ugly… for about five minutes… then back to ROK where it was still dead… then to get some pizza (as we had been drinking steadily aka the Vegas diet, liquids only & lots of walking & dancing), walked back to the room, slept like a baby.

Thursday – May have slept like a baby, but woke up sounding like Barry White & feeling a little like his corpse (RIP homey). Actually wasn’t that bad, just needed some water and Wicked Spoon buffet and I was right on track ready to go. We wandered around the Strip a bit from MGM Grand to the Venetian & back during the day. Best part about hanging out with attractive African-American women all day on the Strip… is they’re so f**king hilarious. For example, there are legions of people trying to sell whatever on the Strip, whether it’s handing out coupons or hyping bars or tickets to shows or whatever. Well, one “gentleman” asked us if we were looking for some Soul Food. Well, they immediately responded with “That’s some racist sh*t right there, homey. What? You think I need some soul food? I’m straight. You know I got fried chicken in my purse. We all do. Where can I get my watermelon on?” Sad thing… I kinda wanted to know where I could get some good soul food… but I wasn’t about to let that conversation flourish. Everybody should speak their mind so freely… and alcohol helps.

"Excuse me miss but I can see your... everything."

That night, we had dinner at Tao, which was pretty good (pictures), then to the club portion with special guest DJ Rev Run of Run DMC. After a while there, we headed over to Tryst who had an unannounced special guest DJ by the name of Jermaine Dupri (So So Def Records). Maybe you’ve heard of him… Good times and the clubs were actually cool too. I liked the waterfalls at Tryst… and the amateur stripper poles.

Happy birthday, Jackie D!!!

DJ Rev Run!!!

Trust me, it's Jermaine Dupri...

Friday – More strip wandering during the day, with Jackie D & I stopping at Diablo for some drinks to get ready for the night at the Palms. First stop was Ghostbar located at the top of the hotel with a beautiful shot of the skyline. Next stop was the VIP lounge at Rain with special guest DJ Jazzy Jeff (the other guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air) and thanks to complimentary drinks (well, tips stacked up as the empty glasses were taken away), good beats & a friendly atmosphere, there was crazy shenanigans going on that night. I’d love to go into details, but you know the rules of Vegas. Pictures…

I'm not sure how they let me

leave the hotel room in that outfit...

Saturday – Now, we weren’t particularly weakened by the activities of the previous nights, but I honestly just blame MTV for making us stay in pretty much all day. First off, we were flipping through the channels… and there was “True Life: I’m a Marijuana Dealer” which obviously peaked our interest (always looking for a new career) and frankly the people on there were so crazy & dramatic (as you might expect from an MTV reality show) so we had to watch it. What followed it up?

A movie that I hadn’t seen but somehow felt a connection to was called “Hustle & Flow” starring Terence Howard & LUDA!!! Sorry, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges. Anyway, it’s about a pimp / hustler from Memphis (Howard) who runs into an old high school friend who is now a music producer (Anthony Anderson). Then, through divine intervention at a gospel recording, he decides that he wants to leave the pimp game to be a rapper. He records a record with the help of his friend and his friend’s friend (DJ Qualls of “The New Guy”, who basically plays me in this movie, crazy white boy who simply irresistible to the ladies) and tries to pitch it to his old buddy Skinny Black (LUDA!!!) who is a bonafide hip-hop superstar. Best part: Watching this movie with the ladies and just commenting on all the crazy stuff in it… and the other movies that followed. I really like this movie, but definitely need to see the unedited version. It’s an Academy Award winning film y’all.

Next up was “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” starring 50 Cent which I’m pretty sure that I’ve already elaborated upon… and still enjoy… but again, watching it with the ladies, you REALLY have to question the love story that they had in there. Joy Bryant’s character must be outside her damn mind. That was followed by “Notorious” about Biggie Smalls while we were getting ready to go out on the town again to Lavo. The club was pretty nice… but we honestly didn’t stay out too long because… well, this was their 5th straight night… and Jackie D’s friend Co-Real is kind of a lightweight, so I ended up playing the role of (and I quote) “Captain Save-a-ho” and getting her home so that Jackie D could continue to dance & party a bit. No worries. I could’ve used the rest anyway… and besides, I had driving to do the next day.

Sunday – I was supposed to meet up with Barbie & Keanna this weekend… but due to work schedules & Keanna getting into trouble at school, that wasn’t meant to be. Too bad because I’m pretty sure that Keanna would’ve loved going to the Grand Canyon with us. As it was, Jackie D, Co-Real & I loaded up and drove about four hours to the south rim. Before getting there, we stopped in the little town of Grand Canyon & had Mexican food at a little place there. We were VERY suspect of the place when we were almost absolutely certain that they didn’t get the order right… but they surprised us & presented us with some amazing food… and the drinks were thorough as well. By the way, did you know that it snows at the Grand Canyon? Me neither… but please enjoy the pictures…

One of us is driving 90 MPH down the freeway...

and therefore looks ridiculous in this picture...

The Earth's coolest hole...

"Snow? Seriously?"

That night after driving back & dropping Co-Real at the airport, Jackie D & I were looking for a dive bar. We had done clubs all the other nights… but we were looking for something with Guinness on tap, games, & where dressing up would be a t-shirt & jeans without holes. Well, there was one place on the Strip that met those requirements & I hadn’t really ventured before - O’Shea’s. You’ve all walked past it on the Strip. Hell, some of you may love it. For those who have yet to venture this little treasure, it’s basically a very small casino with some oddities. Earlier in the week, there was a little person dressed as a leprechaun hollering at people about the upcoming beer pong tournament. If we didn’t have plans, we might’ve stayed for that. However, this evening, we were looking to drink a bit. So we went to the bar… and from the small bar, you could see… in the same sitting… the bar, beer pong tables, a food court AND the table games (roulette, blackjack, etc) at the same time. The clientele - drunk white people from wall to wall. They were dancing to Irish jigs (sort of), showing off their tattoos, playing beer pong, and Jackie D even made a friend at the ATM that was having second thoughts about getting a tattoo. However, after having an allegedly awkward conversation, she did it… having been inspired by Jackie D (somehow) and came back to show us later in the night. Yeah, it was awesome… and then we went to Fatburger for some greasiness to soak up the booze later on. Good times.

Monday – Most of my day was spent at the airport… really doing nothing. I did walk around a bit after checkout but yeah, nothing really to report about this day.

Tuesday – We had our Work Outing so my first day back to work was a half day… followed by a trip to Alcatraz, then a wine tasting at Bulxome Street Winery, ending in various tapas at Epic Steakhouse with white elephant gifts, baby pics, trivia & all the while being driven around town in a luxury motorcoach. Yeah, not a bad way to live, right? Fitting rewards for all of our hard work this year… and plenty more to come in the next.

Wednesday – Another shortened workday but got caught up from the Vegas trip thankfully.

Thursday – Thanksgiving was to be spent in Santa Rosa with my Aunt Faye, Uncle Dennis & Cousin Steph as well as meeting her husband Tom for the first time. There was fried turkey, fantastic stuffing, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & plenty of drinks to wash it all down… and some great football too. Really a great time spending Turkey Day with the family, even if it’s not with the whole family back in Utah.

Friday – Half day at work followed by lounging at home. The roommates were either out of town & most of my local friends had their own plans going on… so I caught up on some TV from Vegas week… and watched “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” from Netflix. This is the fourth installment of the series starring Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow… and is a prequel where he’s in search of Ponce de Leon’s legendary Fountain of Youth… but so is the British navy led by Admiral Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and the dread pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Throw in Penelope Cruz… and you’ve got a pirates tale. I enjoyed it… but it was just like the previous three… though I’d say it was my favorite… because I didn’t have to listen to Orlando Bloom & Keira Knightley. Sorry, it’s just the truth. I’d much rather listen to Penelope Cruz. It’s just how I’m wired, I think… and there was some hot mermaid action. Anyway, if you liked the first ones, check it out.

Saturday – I FINALLY fixed up the backyard by sectioning off the garden & firepit and laying down the redwood chips. It only took a few hours once I got the materials & J-Mo loaned me the tools, but it looks a thousand times better already… and more to come… even if it’s just in time for rain & cold weather. It’ll still be good to get the foundation set and then touch up when spring comes around. Observe…

That night, I watched “Just Go With It” with the roommates and starring Adam Sandler & Jennifer Aniston. It was the first Adam Sandler movie of the year, now on DVD, but the basic synopsis is that a plastic surgeon (Sandler) has been lying about having an abusive wife for 20 years to pick up random strange at bars & other social gatherings. Not a bad system, I’m sure. Well, he meets a super hottie (Brooklyn Decker) who he falls for… but she finds a wedding ring… and now, for some reason, he has to spiral into this web of lies to try to keep her. Eventually it involves his assistant (Aniston) and her kids… and it just goes from there… evolving into a family vacation to Hawaii… and nothing romantic EVER happens in Hawaii. Now, I understand the premise… sort of. You tell one lie… and it grows… and grows… and grows… but come on. Even for an Adam Sandler movie, it’s kind of weak. Regardless, the movie was somewhat funny & even feigned sincerity at some times. I enjoyed it… and let’s face it, Jennifer Aniston’s still pretty amazing in a bathing suit… and Brooklyn Decker as well… and there’s even some hilarious cameos by Nicole Kidman & Dave Matthews.

Well, that’ll do it for the past few weeks really. We’re supposed to get internet by Friday so that’ll help with frequency of these things… but hey, I’m trying. Besides, Christmas & Hanukkah & Kwanza are just around the corner… so be merry, b**ches!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Off to EPIC Vegas Trip

2011-11-16T13:10:00.002-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been a pretty slow week leading up to the Vegas Adventure. Most of the time I’ve been hanging out with the roommates, J-Mo, and event hit the town with Bubbles Friday night after work (for about 8 hours or partying) and then watching the 49ers game at Yancey’s on Sunday. Like I said last time, we’re really looking into doing a weekly meet-up to explore the city & keep in touch. I like it… and she seems to enjoy it. How can I tell? If she didn’t, it wouldn’t happen. She’s pretty easy to read that way. Oh… and speaking of football… what the f**k Eagles? The team would be 8-1 if the games were only 3 quarters long… but instead you’re 3-6. Funny note: I was watching the game yesterday… and when the Eagles kicked the field goal to go ahead 17-14 with five minutes left, I turned off the TV & went to meet up with Bubbles. Why? Because I KNEW they had just lost the f**king game & I wasn’t going to watch it. I KNEW that the Cardinals… with John “Who?” Skelton at quarterback would march right down the field & get a touchdown… and they did. Why? Because it happened four other times in the past two months. AH!!! Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. By the way, I’m thinking that one of these days, I might do one of those minute by minute updates for watching the Red Zone Channel on this blog, especially if my roommates are watching it with me. Why? We’re pretty hilarious… for example, some excerpts from this week’s would’ve included…

11:14 AM – According to Pixie, Curtis Painter has the prettiest hair in the NFL

11:38 AM – The announcer on the Red Zone Channel just said “hand job” and I spent the past minute laughing so hard that if I had any milk in my system, it would be coming out of my nose. In full context, he was recapping a one-handed catch that a receiver made on an earlier play that we didn’t get to see flipping through the channels are this show does… but he said “the previous play he caught a 27 yarder, the one-hand job” but alas, he uttered the term “hand job” on national TV. God bless Direct TV!

12:05 PM – After hearing “hand job” I’m paying more attention to terms that the announcers are using… and if I wasn’t familiar with football, they would sound really bad. Terms like “penetration”, “exploding through the gap”, “tight end”, “motion in the backfield”, and really just about anything said can be mildly twisted into a sexual innuendo. Try it.

12:13 PM – A commercial just told me that “Love is turning your truck… into a pirate ship.” That explains SO much about why I’m single… I was WAY off. Gretchen, prepare ye to become a yacht come springtime… and we shall amass a vast bounty of booty. AAARRRRR!!!

Anyway, that’s just a small dose, but there were MANY more Sunday… and trust me, you would be entertained with the eclectic mix of random sh*t that I think about when I watch TV… and that was just the morning games.

Let’s see… basketball is going… well, the usual. We refuse to learn a system & I’m having to be the only person inside the three-point line most of the time… and play every minute, which isn’t that bad… until they take me out so there are five three-point shooters out there. Look, I can shoot! Better than you guys apparently… no need to take me out, nobody’s going to block me on the arc. Ever. So yeah, still having some fun… but nobody likes losing all the time, especially when it’s because other people can’t hold onto the f**king ball & you go entire halves without touching the ball because… well, see above.

Monday night was the Softball championship… and as expected most of our great players came out so I was designated hitter, which I’m cool with. I do have a really good on base average since I’m not exactly going to crush it over the outfielders, but I’m great directional and can run pretty fast… and I have no quams about running over people… which apparently is frowned upon in San Francisco softball where it was the point of Tahoe softball. So many odd rules in this game. Anyway, back to the game, we were doing great, one or two runs each inning while shutting the other team out. We were well on our way… and then we had one bad defensive inning where they scored 6-7 runs on a few bad plays & errors… and long story short, we lost by a run, 8-7. Still, 2nd place was the best that our company had ever placed so there was a lot to be said for it… and we were still proud… but again, nobody likes losing… and the other team was at least gracious winners. They weren’t cocky pricks like the guys we beat last week. I was NOT going to lose to them. Anyway, it just gives us something to build on for next year. I’m getting my wind back playing basketball twice a week & working out 4-5 times a week. Once there’s a baseball field from the view of my bedroom then it’ll be pretty easy to get some batting practice in once in a while. I can work on my fielding a bit… and worst case, I’d make a great first baseman being a HUGE target whereas our first baseman this year was maybe five foot & no vertical, kinda bad for an amateur softball team. Anyway, that might be my way into the everyday lineup… or right fielder. If I had more practice, I’d be pretty good. Softball’s just not my first sport… or second… or really even third honestly. Maybe cracking the top 5… but, I AM an athlete… so I can do better. Next year, we’re getting that 1st place f**king trophy.

After the game, a few of us went to Goat Hill Pizza in Portrero Hill area & it’s pretty nice. It’s a low key pizza joint where you pay $10 and they bring you out all these different combinations of pizza like it’s a Brazilian steakhouse or something. They’ll bring you a pesto chicken, followed by a “piggy pie” (bacon, sausage, ham & onions), then something like a combination of pineapple, jalapeno, sausage, peppers & goat cheese or something. Usually pretty good stuff too, especially for $10 all-you-can-eat. They also have beer, so I had a Stella to wash it all down while chatting with the teammates, talking about next year, & where we all grew up and stuff too. Again, these are coworkers but not in my department, so I rarely get to see them aside from softball and other social things, but I’m also making it a resolution to get out there more & interact with other coworkers, which may actually work with business slowing in the winter but then again, if business is slow, it means I’m not doing something right… so I should probably be in my office working on that. It’s a kind of double edged sword. Damned if you do & damned if you don’t. Oh well, I still enjoy it.

A movie I saw this past week was “Priest” starring Paul Bettany, Maggie Q, Christopher Plummer & Karl Urban. It’s a comic book adaptation about… I guess an apocalyptic future / alternative universe where vampires are vicious eyeless creatures similar to werewolf bats or something… but there are these superhuman defenders called the Priests with special powers to kill them… and they basically vanquish them… but because this was after a nuclear war, all cities are giant cities surrounded by vast spaces of desert (think Judge Dredd’s Mega Cities) and everything is ran by the church (inexplicably really, but I’m sure it’s a metaphor for having faith in religion instead of faith in government or something). Anyway, there are some mysterious deaths & a kidnapping of a little girl at one of the outposts… and they think it’s vampires, so the missing girl’s uncle (Bettany) is a Priest and he goes after her against the will of the Church. From there, it’s a bunch of fighting, CGI, ridiculous physics & so on… pretty much what you would expect from a bad movie like this… but it wasn’t completely horrible, I guess. I don’t plan on seeing it again. In fact, I wouldn’t really recommend it either. It’s not even good for making fun of other than every time that I see Christopher Plummer in a movie being all old & evil… I think of “Sound of Music” and it blows the whole thing for me.

Next up was “Fast Five” starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne “THE ROCK” Johnson & LUDA!!! Have you seen any of the first four “Fast & Furious” movies? It’s pretty much like those… but with a bigger budget or something. Okay, at the end of number four, the gang (Diesel & Walker along with Jordana Brewster) are on the run from the law… so of course, they go to Rio de Janeiro. Seriously, if you were on the run from the law, where else would you go? Anyway, the DEA is after them (led by THE ROCK with an interesting choice in facial hair, kinda of a Fu Manchu thing) and they don’t f**k around apparently. There are also drug cartels involved, $100 million dollars in a safe, fast cars, bringing all the gang back together from the other movies, you get the idea. It’s what you expect. Again with the unrealistic physics & absurdness of EVERYTHING making it an alleged “guy’s movie” or whatever… but I can deal with a little disbelief. The entire last action scene though… just went from ridiculous… to “are you sh*tting me?” to… is it over yet? However, I was watching it with the roommates (thanks Paul Walker) and I don’t know if there’s… an intentional love story between Vin Diesel & The Rock… but it started out subtly… and then at the end of the final action sequence, there’s an interestingly worded dialogue… and then an awkwardly long stare into each other’s eyes… “I’ll see you around, Toretto” and then another awkwardly long stare… and then a quizzical look by the girl that’s supposed to be the love interest at the two of them… and then from there I just started laughing for a bit so I assume it fade wiped to the next scene. Anyway, mildly entertaining, there’s a nice 1970 Dodge Charger in it, but yeah… didn’t really care for it. Much like the others in the series that I have seen… but for what it’s worth, best of the series. Not saying much… but saying something. Also got a great idea for a movie myself from it… but you’ll just have to wait for the previews on that one.

Also, if you’re wondering why my updates are few & far between, still no internet at home & I’ve just been too busy to go to Starbucks to set up with all of the pictures more than once or twice a month… and I still haven’t even started on my backyard really. How sad is that? Oh well, perhaps my life will get into order one of these days… or maybe it is & I’m just finding less time for blogs & such… but I’ll try, because I like to share my thoughts with the few of you that actually read this.

Well, I’d better head off for Vegas. Jackie D arrived yesterday… a Tuesday… and has already partied with DJ Pauly D of “The Jersey Shore” and Three 6 Mafia. I may be in WAY over my head with the amount of ballin’ that’s about to go on… but hey, I’m a great swimmer. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Man Eating Super Snake

2011-11-10T16:26:00.007-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The past few days haven’t been very eventful per se. I hung out with the roommates and watched TV a few nights, basketball season started for my work team & I’ve already been nicknamed $tevie Franchise because of my play our first game (we lost, but I did pretty damn good), started working on the backyard a bit… but that’s about it. It started getting really cold overnight too… but only by Bay Area standards, not Tahoe. Oh… Thursday night, I was flipping through the channels with the roommates and their friends… and we came across “Man Eating Super Snake” on Animal Planet… about African rock pythons in Florida… and how they may crossbreed with Burmese pythons to form a super snake. The intro stated that… and the roommates were instantly enthralled, so to save time, I brought them up to speed on $teve’s Apocalypse theory and mentioned a few things from my blog… and they seemed skeptical… until the show backed up just about everything I said… and then went a step further to add dramatizations of the stories I told about kids getting snatched up. Oh yeah… they watched the entire show. My message is spreading now… but more updates on that later.

My weekend was a little rainy so we didn’t get to fixing up the backyard… which probably worked out because Nurse’s family was in town. I got to hang with them a bit & they were a lot of fun. We also watched “Crazy Stupid Love” starring Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon, & the ageless Marisa Tomei. It’s a romantic comedy about love & how crazy & stupid it is. More specific? Okay, a man (Carell) & wife (Moore) are getting a divorce, because she’s having an affair with a coworker (Bacon). He goes to a bar & meets this playa (Gosling) who teaches him that he just needs to dress nicer & have confidence to get back on the horse of dating. Meanwhile there’s the subplot with their 13 year old son & his hot 17 year old babysitter. You know what, just go watch the movie. It’s pretty good for a romantic comedy. I’d watch it again… but certainly not alone. That’s just dumb. A man who watches a romantic comedy by himself is a sad creature. By the way, please don’t read back on past entries to see if I’ve watched romantic comedies by myself… because I’m pretty sure I have… but I do it for you guys, so it’s okay, right? Right. Next…

I also had brunch with Bubbles at The Magic Flute, which was rated as the best brunch in San Francisco… and that’s quite a statement. The food was pretty good, we shared the salmon & hunter’s scrambles and crostini for appetizers. I highly recommend the place… but of course the reason for going there was to catch up on going-ons. We’ve basically decided that we’re going to try to set up Wednesday nights as a weekly occurrence when we meet up, go to a restaurant in different neighborhoods each week, catch up on gossip, make each other laugh a bit, have a drink or two, repeat next week. I like the idea. As to whether it’ll happen consistently we shall see… but I’m optimistic. I’m always down for trying new things… and it really helps when you have somebody to adventure with.

Monday night was softball night… and it wasn’t pretty. We were down 5-1 in the 5th and the other team, how do I put this? They weren’t the most sporting of opponents. They certainly weren’t the ladies & gentlemen that we were. There was some real sh*t talking and yes, even profanity from time to time. We won’t stand for that. Long story short, we rallied and won yet again, so next week is the championship. Thankfully I haven’t been playing much (because softball’s not my thang & I don’t want to be the weak link out there) but I’ve been a fantastic cheerleader (especially in the direction of the other team when we were rallying back… nothing bad, just REALLY loud). Afterwards, we went to Park 77 again and had some pizza & beers. This is always a good time for me to get to know my coworkers because frankly, I’m locked in the basement most of the day & don’t get to get out & see everybody… but it’s always good when I do. Let my personality shine, get to know each other… and frankly, most of the ladies that I work with… smokin’ hot. I know the phrase “Don’t sh*t where you eat” comes in to play… and that phrase always confused me because I don’t know what kind of fecophile stuff you’ve got going on in your bedroom… but still, great fun & great eye candy. Now the basketball team just needs more ladies…

Barbie Update – Speaking of things that I’ve predicted years ago coming to fruition, allow me to tell you a story. Back in high school, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas… and being a fairly independent soul, I said nothing but your Love… and maybe some new pants. Being the greatest mother ever, she insisted on more to add to the list… so in a fit of silliness, I said “I want a Gangsta B**ch Barbie” and then went on to describe that it was a very rare item, not unlike Tickle My Pickle Elmo & wished her luck in finding it. Well, a few months later, I opened a package to find… a custom made Gangsta B**ch Barbie… complete with tattoos, mini skirt, high heels, doo rag over blonde cornrows, a joint in her mouth & a gat in her purse. It was basically the greatest gift ever for a 16 year old straight boy, as you might imagine. Thanks mom! Remember this was 1997, so these views of women were very different from what they are today. Well, I guess I’m just ahead of my time… because now, there’s a new Barbie. But with pink hair and tattoos across her shoulders and neck, U.S. toymaker Mattel's latest collector's edition Barbie doll could be compared more to the edgy female heroine of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” than to the more traditional Barbies. Since its release earlier this month online, the $50 (31 pound) limited edition doll designed by Los Angeles-based fashion company tokidoki and aimed at adult collectors, has sold out but not before causing controversy. "Is the New 'Tokidoki' Tattoo Barbie Inappropriate for Children?" the magazine U.S. News & World Report asked in a recent headline. Some parents in the United States also questioned whether the toy company that launched the original Barbie in 1959 should be promoting body art. "It's teaching kids to want tattoos before they are old enough to dress like that," Kevin Buckner, of Virginia, told a local television station. No one was available from Mattel to comment on the issue but not all the feedback has been negative. Some adults said the doll reflected modern fashion and pop culture (and of course $teve IS pop culture). "Have you seen Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, Rihanna?" Candace Caswell, a 30-year-old mother from New York asked in an email interview, adding that the pop stars have tattoos and wear wigs and crazy clothes. "They are capturing a snapshot of pop culture the way it really is. Barbie is not raising my daughter. I am," she added… I’m assuming while giving “the look” to her computer screen while typing. For Heather Gately Stoll, of Colorado, tattoos are not the issue. "What is inappropriate for kids are her measurements," she said about the shapely doll. "If she can change personalities why can't she change her shape and size?" And while New York mother Sue Dennis would not spend $50 on the doll, she is not offended by it. "I have a 16 month-old son and the tokidoki Barbie is more the diverse image of women I would like to present to him versus more traditional ones," she said. The tokidoki Barbie is not the first to sport tattoos. In 2009, some stores pulled Mattel's Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie following complaints, and a year earlier Mattel collaborated with motorcycle manufacturer Harley Davidson to produce a Barbie with wings tattooed on her back. Production of tattooed Butterfly Art Barbie was halted in 1999 after parents voiced their concerns. Gayatri Bhalla, 41, of Washington D.C, who writes a blog about experiences for tween girls, sees it as a marketing issue. "On the one hand, the company likes to hold Barbie up as the iconic American toy for girls and use her to promote things that most parents wouldn't object to, such as Take Your Daughter To Work Day," she said. "But they also create Barbie in images that a lot of parents wouldn't choose to hold up as a role model for their young daughters, and a full-body tattooed doll falls into this camp." Check it out, I’ve got a solution. If you don’t like it, don’t f**king buy it. Go buy some of those stupid Bratz that are obviously teaching great values about shopping & makeup… or buy a baby that wets itself so that you can teach your daughter to be a teenage mother. Seriously, who cares? I do. Why? Because I was right. It’s not quite Gangsta B**ch Barbie… but you’re never going to get a name like that past the board. Perhaps… Fallen on Hard Times Barbie or… Urban Beauty Barbie … or my personal favorite, BWA (Barbie With Attitude). Keep an eye out for that one… crack baby sold separately.

Carmen Sandiego MOVIE? – Fresh off trying to pick up on a beautiful Carmen Sandiego this weekend, I get some pretty good news. Walden Media has picked up the live-action film rights to the classic educational game series turned animated show "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reports Deadline. An official synopsis is already out: "When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?" Sounds kick ass, right? Well, there’s a twist. Walden plans to turn the property into a feature starring Jennifer Lopez as the title character, though at present J-Lo is attached to produce only alongside Benny Medina, Simon Fields, Nick Osbourne, Trevor Engelson and Devin Andre. The tone is said to be akin to "National Treasure" meets "The Thomas Crown Affair". Disney previously optioned the film rights to the property in the late 1990s and developed a version for Sandra Bullock, but that version never took off (thank God). In short, good news that Carmen may be hitting a big screen near you… and probably a few sequels. Bad news that it may be J-Lo playing her.

Now… for how $teve would turn this into a billion dollar grossing movie. I love the premise. Not making it too kiddy even though it’s based on an educational game & I think the National Treasure movies are PG, right? I’d go PG-13 because… is Carmen even on TV anymore? Anyway, solid PG-13. Switch it up so that Angelina Jolie is Carmen Sandiego… or if she won’t do it, go with Eva Mendes… or check this twist, don’t even reveal her face until near the end. How? “These are the last photos we have… but she may have had extensive plastic surgery since these were taken months ago…” Done. You know what, scrap that. Angelina… and her former partner who has to track her down? No, not Brad Pitt, that’s too easy… but there may have to be a romantic past involved… but I’m thinking a younger protégé kind of dynamic… so let’s go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (you’re welcome) or Ryan Gosling or something, I don’t know. Whatever puts asses in seats nowadays. Anyway, story goes on… follow the clues… exotic locations… trivial knowledge… uncover the conspiracy… maybe she’s not a villain… and then the truth is revealed… she was trying to bring down a mysterious & elusive international kingpin of legendary status, with whom she is also romantically linked. How is this kingpin? Code name: Waldo… played of course by the remarkably talented acting debut of yours truly… and yes, I could totally pull off the Waldo as a suave Bond-like villain… even in candy cane striped silk from head to toe. You’re welcome, Hollywood!!! Though you’ll probably make it with J-Lo & Justin Bieber or something. Speaking of which…

Canadian Bieber in Jeopardy? – Teenager pop sensation Justin Bieber has denied allegations he fathered a child in a backstage bathroom and says he has never met the woman who filed the paternity suit against him. "To set the record straight, none of it is true," the teen heartthrob declared Friday during a brief appearance on NBC's "Today" show. As mobs of fans screamed adoringly in Rockefeller Plaza, Bieber called it "crazy" that anyone would make up such a story. "I know I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim," Bieber told "Today" host Matt Lauer. "It's crazy, because every night after the show I've gone right from the stage right to my car. So it's crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations." Okay, I’m stepping in right here… and if this is true… I know there have been other rumors out there that Mr. Bieber prefers the company of… let’s say non-females. If he’s an international superstar… with millions of adoring & willing fans… and all he’s doing is going straight from his show to his car… I’m thinking that he & the Jonas Brothers are either full of sh*t or not living up to their potential. Regardless, I’m getting away from the subject at hand. The paternity suit was filed in San Diego Superior Court by Mariah Yeater earlier this week. She had just turned 19 when she says she and Bieber, then 16, had a brief sexual encounter after one of the singer's concerts last fall at Los Angeles' Staples Center… and for some reason, she alleges that it was in a backstage bathroom as opposed to, I don’t know, a dressing room or limo or hotel suite or anything else. Interesting. She said she gave birth to a boy in July and believes Bieber is the father because there were no other possible men she had sex with at that time. That is… unless she was drunk & just banged a guy who looked like or said that he was Justin Bieber… but who would do such a thing? Answer: Somebody who looks like Justin Bieber to a drunk 19-year old. Asked if he knows Yeater, Bieber told Lauer, "Never met the woman." Yeater is asking a judge for child support and a paternity test. A hearing is scheduled for Dec 15th. Her lawyer has described her as a stay-at-home mother who is looking for adequate child support if a paternity test determines Bieber is the father. Meanwhile, in an obvious twist to this whole situation, Los Angeles police have said Yeater could be investigated for having had sex with a minor. It's illegal in California to have sex with someone under age 18. If the other person is not more than three years older, it is a misdemeanor, which carries up to a one-year jail sentence. Along with knocking down rumors, Bieber's appearance was apparently timed to the release of a Christmas album. "It's hard to record a Christmas album in September," he said. Do I really need to start a conspiracy about the timing of these allegations? No? Good, because that’s not what’s important here. What IS important… you know what, I have no idea what it even is. Is Justin a baby daddy? Unlikely, but possible. Is the baby mama lying? Likely… but short of a spot on Maury Povich, I don’t see this playing out much further. Why does anybody care about Justin Bieber? That’s the real mystery.

Canadian Beaver in Jeopardy? – You have to love politicians. Instead of doing real work, a Canadian senator has launched a campaign to replace the industrious beaver with the indomitable polar bear as Canada's national emblem, saying the incumbent is "a dentally defective rat." Conservative Senator Nicole Eaton delivered her damning criticism in the Senate last week, noting that the beavers wreak havoc on the dock at her waterfront cottage every summer. Now, for the moment, just forget that some spoiled b**ch is complaining about something at her waterfront summer cottage & listen to her argument. "A country's symbols are not constant and can change over time. The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness and dignity is perfect for the part." My counterpoint: If polar bears were so resourceful, don’t you think they’d have built a new place to live since we’ve destroyed their ice caps. Check. And. Mate. The beaver became Canada's only official national animal in 1975. Why? Trade in the beaver pelts, used to make fashionable fur hats, drove European expansion in North America in the 1600s and early 1700s. So it’s only fitting that some 300 years later, the animals are honored for their sacrificed skins for the better benefit of the nation. Much like we would do for the mighty buffalo if eagles weren’t so f**king cool & Americans invented flight (THAT’S WRIGHT, I SAID IT!!!). Eaton said the ever-busy dambuilders are now nuisance, but avoided mentioning another gnawing problem with the emblem: In modern times, its name is slang for female genitals (GASP!!! Since when?). Last year The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines, re-christened itself Canada's History, complaining that its emails and newsletters were being blocked by internet filters. The magazine said market research showed younger Canadians and women were not interested in buying the publication because of its name (“No, seriously. I do read it for the articles… there’s a great one about the founding of Montreal. Will you PLEASE just LOOK AT IT?”). As for Eaton's proposed replacement, Keith Stewart, a climate change campaigner with Greenpeace Canada, was skeptical. "You have a Conservative senator proposing to replace the beaver with the polar bear as the symbol of Canada, yet her government's climate policy would appear to do everything possible to wipe our polar bears by the end of the century," he said. Stewart said the debate was a distraction… but he was too late… because I had already pointed that out earlier this paragraph. So what do you think? Should Canada change its national animal from a hard-working & resilient (as well as tight-fitting) beaver… to a homeless minority of the bear community? That’s what I thought. Now for some real animal news that threatens all of those around you…

Apocalypse Update: Utah – With just over a year until the foretold end of the Mayan calendar, I bring you a trilogy of updates in the Apocalyptic future of the world. For more, feel free to refer to these other entries from years past. You’re welcome. Now, they’re going straight for my hometown. Four young rattlesnakes found in the span of a week in a building at Weber State University have officials scaling back operations until it's deemed safe for workers to return. The Receiving and Distribution Center — in the foothills of the great city of Ogden, birthplace of the awesomeness that is $teve — houses printing operations and mail services and is not frequented by students, said campus spokesman John Kowalewski. A young rattlesnake found at Weber State University's campus is among four found in the span of a week. WSU officials are taking precautions. Still, workers who stumbled upon the young rattlers last week are unnerved and questioning if more of the reptiles may have found their way inside the building. "At first, I thought it was a fake," said mail center employee Brad Colby, describing his Oct. 24 encounter with one. "Then it moved and I was dumbfounded." The foot-long snake was on a landing at the top of the stairs in the building, which had some doors propped open because of the unseasonably warm daytime temperatures last week, he said. By the way, snowing there now. That’s Utah weather for ya. Colby said he thought it may have been a garter snake, but when it coiled up in a corner, a co-worker told him it was a rattler. "I just hate snakes," he said, probably in an effeminate voice. "I didn't care what it was." Colby's discovery was the second of its type, with two more snakes found in the days to follow. Kowalewski said three of the snakes were safely captured and removed, while a fourth was killed… I’m sure it was self defense. A reptile expert was on campus Wednesday afternoon to determine if any more snakes remain and to assist campus officials in preventing a possible return. "What we have discovered quickly is that we are not experts on reptiles or rattlesnakes," Kowalewski said. Mail service employees were sent home early Wednesday and only a few printing press operators remain to finish up a job (aka the MEN!!!). Weber State, he added, will wait for the all-clear before employees return. "First and foremost we are concerned about the safety and health of our employees in that building," he said. Arlo Wing, a wildlife specialist with the state Division of Wildlife Resources, points out that rattlesnakes are a protected and misunderstood species and if all possible, appropriate agencies should be contacted for a safe removal. "They do a lot of good for the environment. We do recognize there can be conflicts with public safety, but their benefits outweigh a lot of the negative connotations that many people have about them." What does that mean? Now the snakes have human conspirators assisting them. Misunderstood? Good for the environment? Who the f**k does this guy think he is fooling? Anyway, back to the story. It's likely that changing temperatures are among the factors contributing to the rattlesnake issue on campus, added another division employee. "It's not surprising to me at all that there would be rattlesnakes there," said Phil Douglass, pointing to the building's location next to the mountains. "You get them even further down in town." Douglass, the state's conservation outreach manager, said they may also be looking for a suitable place to bunk down for the winter. Once snakes pick a place, they can be hard tenants to evict, he said. "Telling a snake where to go is a little bit like sweeping the tide back with a broom. They are going to be where they are going to be." Yup… and they’ve decided that Earth is where they’re going to be… ALL OF IT!!! Sure, now it’s just a few of our homes, maybe the occasional post office or police station is under direst, not a big deal, right? We’re human beings! We have whole armies that we can finance to protect those of us who aren’t willing to fight… even from nature itself. Oh really?

Apocalypse Update: Spain - Most of us dread visiting a cash machine at one time or another. It’s usually a hassle, homeless people & charities camp out there guilting you into donations, maybe you’re just broke & don’t want anybody to know about it, and we’re all just kind of waiting for the day that we can download cash to our phones. But instead of being shocked by the state of his bank balance, one customer in Spain was surprised to be dispensed a vicious snake along with his cash. The middle-aged man had stopped at the ATM to pick up some quick cash… and BAM!!! Snake attack!!! The video on the link shows a police officer taunting the snake with his baton. Eventually the manager was able to free the snake by activating the machine from the inside. It was then put into a box and taken to a shelter… where if they were smart, they tortured it to find out the locations of other insurgent serpents & their BIG plans for world domination. Police have not ruled out the possibility that someone may have put the reptile in the cash machine for a prank. However, as the ATM is in a rural area it is feasible the snake got there on its own accord. Chil’ please! You & I both know this was a blatant attack. Forget Class Warfare! These power-hungry pythons are going straight to Phylum Warfare! (Tehehe, sometimes I think I’m the only one who loves my nerdy science jokes) Anything with arms or legs, attack! They’re also trying to cut off our money supply… so that we can no longer finance our armies. My gods, these bastardly boas are clever! The moral of the story… never leave your house without your machete. Why? I’d rather you had it & not need it… then for you to need it & not have one. Stopping by 7-Eleven after work to grab a steak & pepper jack taquito, grab some cash for the weekend, then SURPRISE!!! African rock python tries to turn you into a Big Gulp. “There’s too many mutha f**kin’ snakes in my mutha f**kin’ convenience store!” A single swing sends the surprising serpent’s scaly skull spiraling skyward. That’s decapitation AND alliteration, Holmes! Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. Added bonus to the machete, you ALWAYS get a seat on the bus. “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?” “F**k no! Take the whole bench, this is my stop.”

That will do it for today. Hopefully we get the internet soon so that I can get these things out more regularly. Lots of pictures with the Vegas trip looming & hopefully by the time you’re reading this, you’ve seen the Halloween pics from the past few years. Have a great night everybody!!!

Halloween 2011 - San Francisco

2011-11-10T16:20:00.008-07:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So… I was wondering the other day what the hell I was going to do for Halloween this year. I had just found out about a nice website where I got $30 lower bowl tickets to the Browns – 49ers game on Sunday the 30th. I had decided that unless there are unforeseen circumstances, I was just going to dress up as Waldo again this year (last year’s New Orleans Halloween post coming soon now that I have pictures) because I’m incredibly lazy. Now I just had to find out where friends & lovely singles were going. In this path, I went online… to one of my favorite sites, SF Funcheap, where you can find lots of fun and/or cheap things to do in the City. Well… that’s when I found… a Where’s Waldo Flashmob Bar Crawl on Saturday night, October 29th not too far from my house. F**king SOLD!!! I’ve already got the outfit. I’ll still stand out because… I’m f**king HUGE!!! It’s a pub crawl. Photo opportunities abound. My fortune cookie the other day told me I would “find somebody special at a social event” so I guess that means that I may find a Wenda or two there. Sounds good to me. Also, I found out that Halloween night (Monday this year) at Yoshi’s is a pretty nice concert / party with a $5 cover charge so I may have to hit that up too. Probably won’t do that one alone though. We’ll see how I feel after work.

Friday night, I went to Café Prague after work for a little happy hour & to celebrate the Independence Day for Czechoslovakia back in 1918. Obviously it’s changed hands a few times since then… but that was the reason for the celebration. Much like St Patrick’s Day is a reason for get drunk for Ireland. Or Halloween is a reason to dress comically or sexy in honor of Lord Satan or tricking ghosts or something. Or Columbus Day is a reason to celebrate the genocide of indigenous peoples by a three-day weekend with wholesale savings on furniture & kitchen appliances. What was my point? Oh yeah, Café Prague was a pretty nice place. Great beer, great food, only stayed for an hour or so but highly recommend it & sure I’ll be back there for a happy hour when it’s not so crazy (on top of celebration, it was Game 7 of the World Series… and the Cardinals won).

After that, I went to the apartment… and my roommates had just started a Terminator marathon… so for the next 5-6 hours we watched the extended versions of the first two movies… and it was pretty awesome. Oh why were we watching them? Well, my roommate Pixie was dressing up as Sexy John Connor (though she really liked Terminator’s first jacket) and her friend was dressing as Sexy John’s Stepmom from T2 with the sword arm. Clever, right? Apparently it wasn’t to be though as after getting dressed up, they decided to hang at the apartment. Good for them. Another roommate dressed as Sexy Batwoman (though I didn’t get to see it yet) & Nurse dressed as Sexy Nurse… but she does that just about every night. She didn’t go out & party this weekend for whatever reason… mostly being on call… but they got the night off last minute. Oh… and how did I dress for Halloween?

But you knew that already… so I went by myself to the steps of City Hall in San Francisco to meet up for the Where’s Waldo Flashmob Pub Crawl. While waiting, I met a bunch of people dressed as Waldo & before the night was through, I pretty much introduced myself to everybody & chatted with them for a bit. We went to several bars on Sutter Street including Fly, R Bar, Ace & Trinity. Each had their own distinct style whether classy lounge, dance club, basic neighborhood bar, etc & we thoroughly enjoyed each as far as I knew. Here are some pictures though…

And yes, I did hit on Carmen Sandiego yet again this year. I don’t understand it. She & Waldo are both seen in some of the most exotic locations in the world (and through time & space as well) yet I don’t think they’ve ever been seen together. Seriously, they should just hook up & have tall, sexy, inconspicuous & devilishly clever children already. If it worked for Batman & Wonder Woman (to produce me) then it could work for them. Then again, Batman & Wonder Woman also gave birth to my brother… who is questionable at best. Anyway, what’s my point? Sigh… oh yeah, I wanna f**k Carmen Sandiego. Something about that Latin-Irish woman in red just… giggidy! Headed back home a little after midnight to catch the bus back & ran into a guy & two lovely ladies from Switzerland at the bus stop, so we spoke a little German, a little surprised they could understand me with how much I had to drink & how long it had been since I spoke German… but hey, they seemed to get the jist. They’re in town on business (probably spy stuff) and weren’t dressed up. Shocker alert! Halloween isn’t a big thing in Switzerland. Oh well, the ladies seemed impressed by my German too (and curious outfit) but they didn’t let me giggidy their geschmoiggities so… I went home & hung out with Nurse for a bit watching Law & Order before heading to bed. (buh buh… that’s a scene transition from Law & Order)

Sunday, I watched a little football then went to the 49ers – Browns game, which was pretty good though really complete domination by 49ers more than the 20-10 final would indicate. The Niners are 6-1 & the second best record in the NFL. Who knew? After that, I went to play a basketball game… and get this, you know how we haven’t won a game like… ever. Well, I asked a buddy of mine from the YMCA to play with us (he also lives two doors down in the same apartment as Joy, remember her?) and we had all of our people show up… and we set a strategy to run & gun since we had 8 people instead of just five… and guess what? We were up 46-4 at the half. Yeah… see what happens when you have a half-ass team with a half-ass strategy… and of course, me at center. WHAT? We ended up winning by over 50 because I sat most of the 2nd half & we were just running out the clock mostly so nobody would get hurt or offended but yeah, good times now that we have a real team.

Monday, Nurse & I went to Home Depot to get some things for the backyard. I guess we’ll be starting that project this weekend. Right now it’s just the redwood bark chips for covering the ground once I level it out and a few brick separators for the garden area. However, it’s a good foundation for the area… and from there, anybody can just get the potted plants or flowers or whatever and add them as desired… or cheap patio furniture… or if we decide to do a firepit, we can add that easily. Once the groundwork is set, the rest is pretty cake. We filled up Gretchen with 20 cubic feet of bark chips on top of all the other stuff. She’s amazing. We celebrated by grabbing In-n-Out Burger on the way home. Good times. In other news…

Detroit Lions are HOT!!! – Everybody in football is surprised at the NFL’s Detroit Lions. The team has won… nothing… ever. Well, okay, I think they might’ve won something back in the 40’s but think they’ve won one playoff game in the Super Bowl Era, nearly half a century… and haven’t made the playoffs since Barry Sanders was playing. Remember him? Well, this year they started 5-0 for the first time since 1980 (before I was born) and there may be a little secret weapon that they have… but as with everything in Detroit, the police are involved. Police may put the brakes on a party bus that was apparently operating as a Sunday strip club for reveling Lions fans at a popular tailgating spot in Detroit. Investigators believe fans tailgating before a recent Lions home game were allowed onboard the "Booty Lounge," a large red and black bus replete with two stages, steel dancing poles, tinted windows and even a smoke machine, after forking over a $10 donation to its operators, Detroit Police spokeswoman Eren Stephens said Thursday. That’s right… TEN BUCKS!!! What a value!!! She said the department's chief, Ralph Godbee, thinks the arrangement is illegal, but that the department won't take action until it completes its investigation. "We know the game is coming up and ... we're looking into this whole operation," Stephens said. Police began investigating after WDIV-TV broadcast a story about the bus this week. The station reported that the bus was parked next to Detroit's Eastern Market, which is a popular tailgating spot that is about a half-mile from Ford Field, where the Lions play. The bus operators, who didn't respond to email and phone requests seeking comment, say on their Facebook page that the bus can be hired for private parties and is available with or without "ladys," adding that "our opinion is that is a lot more fun with em!" They say they take the bus to "numerous events" each year, and they invite the public to "pay a visit." A Facebook posting from this spring suggests they charged $20 for a Detroit Tigers opening-day tailgate that included food and drinks. Again, GREAT value!!! David Draper, an attorney who represents more than a dozen strip clubs in Michigan but who does not represent the bus operators, said such establishments require a special license from the city. Still, bus operators might argue that movable venues are exempt and more akin to a "one-off" event such as a bachelor party at a hotel. "The argument from the city is going to be, 'absolutely not — you're just trying to skirt the issue by going mobile,'" Draper said. Detroit Lions spokesman Bill Keenist said the team won't comment on the bus matter. Photos have emerged that purportedly show two uniformed Detroit police officers posing with a woman believed to be part of the operation. Hell yeah!!! Stephens said those photos are up to four years old, and Godbee told the Detroit Free Press he's not passing judgment until the department completes its investigation. My opinion… other teams need to get on this bus idea.

Rihanna is a Robot – It’s been my belief for years… and still is… that pop star Rihanna is a robot in the same way as SimOne. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Netflix it. An interesting tidbit about the hip-hop cyborg happened last month. Northern Ireland farmer Alan Graham says he doesn't know who Rihanna is but she must keep her top on while performing on his land. Graham says he enforced a dress code as he watched Rihanna shoot a video last month in his wheat field in Bangor, east of Belfast, for her new single, "We Found Love." She also performed three concerts in Northern Ireland while there. The 23-year-old switched from a flannel checked shirt into a stars-and-stripes bikini, a red bra, a mesh black top, and finally went topless before Graham climbed off his tractor to protest. Really? "The state of undress was becoming inappropriate," Graham says. "I had a conversation with Rihanna. I hope she understands where I'm coming from. We shook hands." Mmm… yes… a good firm handshake will certainly do the trick. Anyway, hordes of locals gathered to watch the pop star film the video too. So yeah, it’s interesting that a farmer would have a problem with a wee bit o’ nudity… but it’s his right. That goes to show right there… how do you get to see some pop star neeps & tatties? Own Land.

Lindsay Update – So Lindsay Lohan’s been in trouble… and she got her probation upgraded to community service. Then she had to go & show up late her first day… so her arrival at the morgue for community service on day two became a big media spectacle for some reason. News helicopters hovered over the coroner's facilities and cameras greeted her black sport utility vehicle when Lohan reported for duty, one day after officials turned her away for being 40 minutes late to an orientation session. Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter said Lohan arrived "real early" last Friday, completed her orientation and was put to work before 8 a.m. She had been ordered to report at the coroner's facilities at 7 a.m., but Lohan's publicist, Steve Honig, wrote in an email that the actress had been outside for more than an hour before it opened. Lohan must complete 16 hours of custodial work at the morgue before a November 2nd court hearing (she made it). She will be expected to mop floors, clean and stock bathrooms, and wash dirty sheets, coroner's officials have said. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner revoked Lohan's probation during a contentious court hearing Wednesday after the judge learned the "Mean Girls" star had been fired from doing community service at a women's shelter. Then again, do you REALLY want Lindsay giving help and/or advice to women in need? I’d keep her cleaning up after dead people too… and we used to be tight. Anyway, Sautner ordered Lohan to complete 360 hours at the center and 120 hours at the morgue in April as punishment for taking a $2,500 necklace without permission (it’s called theft where I come from). Lohan later pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge related to the necklace and served 35 days on house arrest. It is Lohan's second time doing service at the morgue — she initially completed a program there after a pair of drunken driving arrests in 2007. She has consistently struggled with completing the terms of her sentence. However, she’s also lined up a new gig - as a Playboy girl. LiLo is posing for Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine, a source told Access Hollywood. The source told Access Lohan is disrobing for the spread, which is being shot this week in LA. When contacted by Access, a rep for the actress said, "I cannot confirm at this time." A spokesperson for Playboy also had no comment on the report. According to TMZ, Playboy reportedly offered the actress $750,000 to strip down. SOLD!!! Oh wait, play it tough. (clear throat) However, she countered, asking for a million dollar payday. While the magazine would not cough up $1 million, they did reportedly come up from their original offer, which was enough to get the deal done ($750,001?). So they can neither confirm nor deny anything… so chances are you’ll be seeing LiLo’s Huhu before too long… and for half of Hollywood, you’ll be seeing it again. I blame her parents… and the Media… and Hollywood… and alcohol… and drugs… and her… and me… and you… and Herbie the love bug… at all had a part to play I’m sure. Then again, as mentioned in my roommates’ Terminator marathon the other night, there’s no fate but what we make for ourselves. Ah to be a soldier from the future sent back through time to save Lindsay’s future… and yeah, I’d probably impregnate her in the Tiki Motel & our son would lead the revolution… but more importantly she wouldn’t be snort coke of a bathroom countertop at Tech Noir on Peco. What? The new Playboy’s out? Excuse me…

Wait, before I do that, thanks for reading… and I guess I’ll see ya soon. We’re getting internet again. YAAAAY!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

New Orleans Halloween 2010 - One Year Late

2011-10-29T11:55:00.011-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, we’ve come to the eve of Halloween Weekend 2011… so I thought it was finally time to share with you my adventures from Halloween Weekend 2010 in New Orleans. Why have I not shared it before? Laziness. Okay, only partially… but I didn’t want to give you only half of the story. You see… up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t have any pictures to pair up with the events… for a series of reasons. First off, I had forgotten my camera before boarding the plane. Second, I took a few pictures with my phone… but only a handful… and they were all wiped out when I took a swim in Lake Tahoe in July with the phone in my pocket. Thirdly, Filly hadn’t sent me a copy of pictures from her camera. Fourthly, as we all know, a story without pictures… is not really a story at all & boring as hell. Therefore, after collecting pictures from Filly during our rendezvous last month… and the timing being proper, I give you… Halloween 2010. By the way, the entry was typed up in November a week after I returned… so a few things have changed since then (number one being my living in Truckee then, but now in San Francisco) but hey, we’ll get to that when the conclusion rolls around… enjoy!!!

Sent: Tuesday, November 09, 2010 2:36 PM
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

And the saga begins…

Day 1 – Thursday, October 28, 2010

As mentioned (previous entry last year), woke up at 4 AM, got ready, met my stepsister at the Reno Airport around 6 AM so that she could watch Gretchen at gratis instead of paying $70 to leave my car in the middle of the desert unattended at the airport. Don’t worry, I got her and the kids some great little things from New Orleans… but more on that later. The flight wasn’t bad at all. I basically slept on the hour long one to Vegas and woke up just in time to see the Strip, Lake Mead, Henderson and all the many spoils of my mistress. On the connector, I even got to see the Grand Canyon (but alas, no camera on hand). I also got to meet a lovely woman by the name of Aubrey… and a gentleman by the name of Mister Higgins. Mister Higgins was quiet… but I got that he was going to Mississippi to see his brother and he seemed like a real nice guy. Aubrey though, was just about the sweetest woman ever. Probably in her sixties, African-American, and was flying from LA to Mississippi for a funeral of her great aunt (she was 92). We got to chatting about family and all that… and it was just a great way to pass the time.

I met up with Filly at the airport… and was hungry… and thirsty… so our first stop was to, I kid you not, a drive-thru daiquiri place… and they were NOT skimpy on the booze either. I still have yet to find a drive-thru liquor establishment here in Truckee… but I know of a few in Reno. Still though, alcoholic slurpees with the convenience of a drive-thru. It could be huge is all I’m saying. After that, we went to the Avenues Bar & Grill near her house and I had my first taste of Ya Ga Mein, which is basically Chinese noodles… but with roast beef, chicken, sausage, peas, chopped green onions, boiled egg, and whatever else they would throw in there… and it was delicious. We also had a beer or two and enjoyed something new for this kid from Utah… being the only white boy in the whole place. Great place though. We went there a few times. I also met Filly’s roommates Vyper & Maximus (would it make you feel better if I told you those weren’t their real names?). We hung out and watched movies… and I met Filly’s coworkers at the stables… and it was just a good day.

Day 2 – Friday, October 29

This was the day that I got to know Maximus & Vyper a bit as Filly had to work… and they’re cool cats. We watched some movies, walked around the neighborhood with Pi (Filly’s pitbull & yes, named after the constant of the circumference of a circle divided by the diameter) and when they had to go to work, I hitched a ride into the French Quarter and wandered around the craziness that was Bourbon Street & Jackson Square. After a few hours of that though, I was a little tired, so I made my way back to Filly’s place by around 2 AM. Let me explain that one a bit. I was tired… because Filly’s typically sleeping schedule is the exact same hours as I usually work (8 AM to 5 PM) and we were basically on her time this week… because it was Halloween in New Orleans… so that’s the proper hours. I wasn’t used to it this first day because I was up for about 24 hours before my 4 hour nap before I was up again this day. Also… to be honest, I was wandering around New Orleans alone on a Friday night, so after a few couple of hours (and a few drinks) I was ready to save up the energy for the next day.

I just liked the design on this knock-off mountain dew...

Day 3 – Saturday, October 30

This was really the big Halloween day, as it was a Saturday… and Filly had work off due to the Krewe of Boo Parade, which is like a Mardi Gras parade… but scary. During the day, we didn’t do much… as we stayed up until about 6 AM. But about the time the sun was going down, we transformed into our costume. I as the great Waldeaux (the Big Easy version of “Where’s Waldo?”) and Filly as Rosie the Riveter. Pi also came along with his wonderful pumpkin sweater… so yes, he was Pumpkin Pi. Delicious. Now, our plans were to go to the Krewe of Boo… and we checked sites all over the worldwide web… and the info ranged from 6 PM to 9 PM for a start time… but the majority said 7 PM, so we went with that. We headed down the street to see the beginning… and we ran into some Vikings aboard their ship, which may have been a float… but they said they were with a different neighborhood one that started in a few hours. After asking around, we had just missed it apparently.

Then… we met two lovely young ladies who appeared to be lost… so I inquired, “Are you ladies looking for something?” Please keep in mind that I’m dressed as the world’s sexiest Waldeaux… and they are in regular clothing revealing a lot of their legs. “We were just trying to find the Halloween Parade.” Filly stepped in, “So are we but I think we may have missed it.” “Dang.” “Well… we were just going to try to catch up on Canal Street if you’d like to ride along with us.” By the way, this was Filly playing the role of Chick-n-Wing to hook a brutha up. “Sure, can we stop to get a drink first? We’ll buy ya one for the gas or something.” SOLD!!! Along the way, we found out they were from Houston and were here with a bunch of friends, the friends slept in while they wanted to see the city… and boy did they stumble upon two of the best tour guides the city has to offer. Long story short, we got to Canal Street… and missed it there too by about 15 minutes (apparently it DID start at 6 PM) but the ladies still wanted to hang out (they had ample opportunity to ditch us) so we gave them a ride back to where they were staying (nice place in the Quarter) and just chatted on the stoop while their friends were getting ready. Filly told me that when I would excuse myself to use the restroom, they were asking a LOT about me… and if we were a couple… and all this stuff. She was nothing but the perfect Chick-n-Wing… even getting the digits in a non-threatening way while I was away. Kudos Filly!

We went to get some pizza because… frankly their friends were taking too damn long & I was losing my buzz. We got to know each other more… and share tales of wonders at our respective homes… and then their friends showed up… and yeah, that was pretty much the end of that. We got separated in Frenchmans Street, they didn’t call the next day to go exploring (probably hung over, which was understandable) and yeah, that was that. Their loss… because we had some fun. Frenchmans Street – CRAZY!!! We did some people watching, some dancing, wandering through the quiet streets in the Quarter between Frenchmans & Bourbon… and with it being Halloween… and a little fog coming into the streetlights later in the evening, it was cool & creepy. The weather honestly couldn’t have been better during the first few days though… and was appreciated since my outfit involved long sleeves & a f**king knit cap. Bourbon Street – F**KING CRAZY!!! We didn’t hang out there much because… after a few hours of drunken idiots saying “HEY WALDO!!! I FOUND YOU!!!” it’s okay… but when it was getting into the 8th or 9th hour, I was about done. We wandered to Jackson Square, ate beignets while people watching with the Mighty Mississippi at our backs, it was really just an amazing night. I had a LOT of fun… and as usual, it didn’t even require me drinking myself into a stupor & banging some random hotties from Houston for my first ménage e trios (Though it would’ve been quite pleasurable for all three of us…)

There's something you don't see everyday...

a guy playing the banjo

"Excuse me miss... get the f**k off my car..."

Carmen Sandiego & Waldo...

seriously, they should just hook up...

...or Jessica Rabbit works too...

Day 4 – Sunday, October 31

The official Halloween and Filly had to work… because you gotta make that mother f**king money. Around nightfall, I was just about ready to head to the Quarter by bike when Vyper said that he was heading into the Quarter to do some drumming with his group, so I hitched a ride… and lo & behold, we were both headed to the same spot anyway – Voodoofest on Rue Dumaine!!! He was a drummer with the group playing the voodoo beats for the ritual dances they were doing. “Voodoo rituals? That ain’t right!” I beg to differ. See, the beats was bangin’, they were passing around bottles of rum to help “enliven the spirits within” and seriously, I was looking for albums to buy. This was held at the Voodoo Cultural Center or something… and it was awesome. People all dressed up for Halloween, people passionately chanting, even a 90+ year old Haitian voodoo priestess giving blessing out like candy… and thanks to the free rum bottles on an empty stomach, I was in the zone. Side note: The ladies seemed to like dancing around me too… maybe coincidence… maybe they just know a good thing when they see one. Stayed there for about three hours until they decided to stop, would’ve stayed longer. I got $30 for the booze and tunes towards the cause (which I think went to Haiti relief & their center).

"F**kin' voodoo magick, mon!"

After that, I decided to jaunt past Bourbon for a few minutes, then just chill at a bar somewhere off Jackson Square. Why? Because the Steelers were playing the Saints just down the street at the Superdome and I wanted to check on that… and get a few drinks as well. While there, I met a few pairs of people in outfits who also stopped in to see the game for a little bit… and then met up with them later on Frenchmans for a quick concert… but I left about 20 minutes into it because Filly had told me that she was off work & not feeling well… so then we met up, watched some X-Files episodes (I had forgotten how good it was), enjoyed some Ya Ga Mein and just had a good time to start November.

Day 5 – Monday, November 1

The next day, we met up with one of Filly’s artist friends (very cute but extremely shy) and we drove her across the river to Jefferson Parish (where Steven Seagal is a sheriff) to do some shopping at Hong Kong Groceries… and again, nothing like this in my deck of the woods… and that’s disappointing… because I could live off that stuff. Dumplings, various exotic meats, even durians (which is probably the worst smelling fruit possible for those who don’t know) and all at discount prices. Even the beverages were odd & intriguing… but just FYI, the white tea soda, not that good. Good times though… and we got back into New Orleans crossing the bridge at sunset so… here are some pictures…

Day 6 – Tuesday, November 2

This day, it basically rained all day… but I did get to meet Filly’s boyfriend Chris. For some reason, she was really worried about it… and I have no idea why… probably because she’s a chick or something. Quick story: They’ve been going out for a while… but Chris is very secretive and not trusting of others (because of his past and where he was raised). Also, he’s probably only heard nothing but amazing things about me… and that I’m technically a giant… and been friends with her for the better part of a decade… and I don’t know, maybe he was just nervous for some reason. Who knows? To help ease his reservations, Filly spent some time with him after work most days I was there… which was fine, because I was out getting drunk in the Quarter anyway. Long story short, we met, hit it off pretty much immediately, he found out all the rumors are true, they seem smitten, we had some Popeye’s chicken, drove around in his new truck, listened to hip-hop (of which we’re both educating Filly about), and just had a good time for a few hours on an otherwise just rainy day in the Big Easy. Oh… and now they have plans to come and visit me here in Tahoe next summer… and Filly’s already saving up for it. Apparently she misses the mountains & he’s never seen them… so I’d be happy to show them off.

Day 7 – November 3

And then I flew back, met up with my stepsister to get my Gretchen back, gave her & the kids some goodies from the Big Easy (little art things from Filly’s cute artist friend & beignet mix) and made it back home just in time for the first dusting of snow. Since then, I’ve just been insanely busy with work and family drama… which believe it or not, I’d rather not talk about because… it’ll just infuriate me and there’s not a whole lot I can do. Basically it just reinstates that sometimes my mom is a foolish woman & my brother is a psychotic douche… and police were involved. Fun, right? Well, on that note, have a great day everybody!!! Hope you all enjoyed this trip to New Orleans. You’ll get to see more of it again in about six months when the snow thaws…

Also... thanks to Filly, you get an added bonus of some pictures from my trip to Mardi Gras 2009... so enjoy...

Remember Sunrise?

Do NOT judge me...

And thus the story ends… and in the year since then, let’s see… Six months later, you did get to see New Orleans again for my 30th birthday cruise & Filly's cute friend is the one who gave me the world's greatest panda $teve painting. Have I not posted that yet? Maybe I will again soon. The family drama has… passed, I guess. In that we don’t really speak of it. Filly’s roommates Vyper & Maximus left shortly after because apparently they weren’t cool guys. I moved from Truckee to San Francisco about two months after this… yet still live in a National Park, just without the snow. Still no word on when Filly & her beau Chris will come out to see the mountains (oh I’ll still show them off) but their relationship is an odd one & the economy is what it is. I’ll be dressing up as Waldeaux yet again this year… since I found out about the “Where’s Waldo Flashmob Pub Crawl” tonight. That’s like the perfect combination of Halloween, booze, nerd, exploration, laziness & social gathering that I was looking for. It’s like the pub crawl was made for me… and I already had the costume. Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the stories AND pictures now. Here are a few addition ones that were on the disc that Filly gave me from Mardi Gras too. Just thought I’d share… Have a great weekend everybody!!!